Queer As Folk (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Problematica - full transcript
- Damn, I've always
wanted to do that.
- What the hell, Marvin?
- Sorry, baby.
Houseguests are like fish.
They go bad after three days.
I don't normally say this,
but you gotta get
your shit together.
- Or don't.
Just get the hell off my couch.
And wash ya ass.
Bitch, I can't believe
you fucked Noah.
My Noah.
You know, I'm tempted
to piss on your grave,
but I know you'd like that.
But you do hate it when
people steal your drugs.
I'll take this as your
apology for fucking my man.
- Morning. Couldn't
sleep again?
- When did Sarah Michelle Gellar
rebrand as a chef?
- I try not
to think about it.
I'm gonna go check the mail
for your acceptance letter.
- Don't.
- But it might have come today.
- I know, but I'm nervous.
Let's just have
our day, all right?
- You are meant to be up in
the sky, serving ginger ale.
- Right, well it does taste
better up there, for the record.
- Yeah. You know what
tastes better up there?
Mwah!
Let's go.
Boom. No cuts, bitch.
- Wow. I'm a real boy.
All right, turn
around. Hole next.
- Really?
- No, you sick fuck.
Plus, we're gonna need
a bigger one of these
if we're doing that.
- Oh. Is this for sex later?
The recipe does not
call for zucchini.
- They're for Eric and Taylor.
I'm making them
zucchini noodles,
because they don't
fuck with carbs.
- Hey, do you think
the whole meeting each
other's friends thing
is a little masochistic?
I'm just saying, we
might get back problems
from carrying the conversation.
- I just... I want to
be like a normal couple
that hangs out with
each other's friends
while eating a pasta dish
from the mind of
Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Which, speaking of...
- Are you kidding?
What can't she do?
- Hello?
- I'll get it.
- Let me in.
Peekaboo!
You took forever!
Shut the heck up.
You live here?
Okay, Mr. Adulting.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I miss this.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God.
- Me and Court were just saying,
is this the first time you've
seen us out of uniform?
- It is.
You've literally only seen
me dressed as a hot dog.
- Speaking of, I
got you a corndog,
'cause I know it's your fave.
- Oh!
- Okay, but seriously,
we miss you at the mall.
- Oh, did you hear Sandra got
fired from the Sweet Factory?
- She threw a Jawbreaker
at a customer.
Full concussion.
- Hi, hi. Nice to meet you.
- Okay, shut the hell
up. You're dating him?
You're such a babe.
We're hooking up.
I'm sucking you
off later.
No, I'm not. I'm not. Sorry.
- Well, don't act so shocked.
- Oh.
- I'm not shocked.
I'm just... okay!
That's what we're doing. Cute.
- Nobody can open any roads!
The helicopter's flying in!
Both: Taking two
people at a time!
Save our souls!
- Mwah, mwah!
- Come here.
Noah, your place looks so sick.
- Oh, Eric, Taylor,
this is Courtney.
- Hello.
- And George. And Julian.
- Hi, dolls, I am...
- Hi.
Where is this
super-secret hot boyfriend
you've been hiding?
- Oh, this is... it's
Julian. He's my boyfriend.
Both: Whoa!
- Boyfriends.
- That's amazing.
- Oh, my God.
- It's his house, too.
- These are delicious
zoodles, Noah.
- Thank you. I know
Sunday's your cheat day.
- Mm-hmm.
- How do you cheat?
Like, on a test?
- No, like, with food.
Literally, we turn
into garbage cans.
We eat pizza, we eat donuts.
- Donuts.
I tell my clients the secret is
no food after 7:00
p.m. or before noon.
- Mm-hmm.
- Huh. Sounds fun.
- Yeah, it is.
- Noah.
Serious question: can I
have my birthday party here?
- Oh, please, please, please.
- Oh, I'm... yeah,
I'm done with hosting.
- What?
- No.
- Oh, my God, come on, you
gotta rent this place out.
- Seriously.
- No, no, no.
We're taking a
break from all that.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Okay. Forget I
said it. It's fine.
- So where did the
two of you meet?
- Oh.
Well, we actually
met through my old...
- Hairdresser. Mm-hmm.
- You go to Amber.
- No.
- So, is it no or yes or...
- No, I mean, I do
go... I do go to Amber,
I just, I haven't gone
to her in a long time.
- Your hair's,
like, really short.
- Who wants seconds?
- I-I'm full.
- Excuse me.
Babe, are you okay?
- Yeah, I just wasn't expecting
the Spanish Inquisition tonight.
- Julian, you have nothing
to be nervous about.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
Okay, settle down.
We've got neighbors.
- That's wonderful.
- Word.
- There's my song.
- Okay.
- I was just telling the boys
about my Disney cruise audition.
- It was a slam dunk.
- It was between me and an
ugly girl, and she got it.
- Amazing.
I can see you doing Elsa
in the middle of the Gulf.
- Right?
- Me too.
- Guys.
- Yeah.
But hasn't the Gulf
suffered enough?
I'm obviously kidding.
Yeah, I'm kidding.
- So, what do you do, Julian?
- Um, I'm a tutor.
Both: Oh!
- Yeah, when he's not busy
being Mayor of the Mall.
- Malls have mayors? What?
- So, is that, like,
an elected position?
- I just mean that he
comes to the mall a lot.
- Well, before he
became too cool for us.
He's a cool guy.
He's a cool guy.
- Babe, tell them about
your airline thing.
- You're a pilot, too?
- No. No, no, no,
I'm not a pilot.
- He wants to be a
flight attendant.
He talks about it all the time.
- Yeah.
- Well, that, and
"Buffy" season six.
- Okay, no, no,
that's... honestly,
that's more of, like, a joke.
- Oh.
- Being a flight
attendant is no joke.
My sister works for WestJet.
She threw out her back pushing
one of those damn meal carts.
- What?
They're like 250 pounds.
- I know, baby, I know.
- They're a lot.
- Big bummer.
- Babe, can you help me with
the flan in the kitchen?
- Yeah, one second.
- Do you need a helping hand?
- I'm fine.
Hey, do you want seconds?
- No, thank you.
All: Oh!
- Whoa.
- He said no.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
- Someone threw a
slushie at our house.
- Oh.
- Dessert, anyone?
- Bye. Text
me when you get home.
Okay.
I didn't know I invited Liz
Taylor to the dinner party.
- I'm sorry.
I don't actually
know what happened.
- I've never seen you that way.
- I mean, did you
see how surprised
Eric and Taylor were
that we were dating?
Everyone was, which feels great.
- Julian, do you know
what attracted me to you?
- My fat ass?
It was your passion for the
things that make you you.
You didn't give a shit about
what other people thought.
I've never met anyone like that.
- Yeah, well, maybe I give
more of a shit than you think.
- Babe, you are in no
one's fucking shadow.
You hear me?
- Yeah.
- And I love that
fat ass. Let's go.
- Okay.
- I caved.
- Oh, my God, that's
such a big envelope!
Size does matter
in this instance.
- Okay, how about you open it?
- So, does this mean
I get to fly for free?
- Shut up.
Holy shit.
I'm gonna be a flight attendant.
- Congratulations, baby.
- What's wrong?
I'll only be gone for
like eight weeks, max.
It won't be that long.
The real issue, though,
is when I get hired,
because I'll be kind of
jet-setting around the world,
or more likely just
dead-heading to Cleveland,
passing out pretzels on
some regional puddle jumper.
What am I doing?
I can't do this.
- Oh, my God, you're
so fucking annoying.
If only you could just
see how fucking capable
and cool and adorable
and lovable you are.
- I'm lovable? Tell me more.
Shut up.
You know I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Okay. Okay.
This is literally
all I could find in your
room, so I hope it works.
- Bring it to me.
- All right.
- So do you thing you can do
pot patrol for a
little bit tonight?
- Uh, yeah, sure.
Are you working?
- No.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. I'm...
I'm... just nothing.
- Okay. Cool.
Changing the subject.
I hate to ask, but what
are we gonna do about this?
It stopped raining
this morning, so.
- Just give it to me.
- Here you go.
- We aren't gonna do
anything about this.
I'm gonna get an estimate
from a contractor tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Don't boundaries go both ways?
I get to be the parent
and pay the bills,
and have a private life,
and you can have yours.
- Yeah, okay. Sure. Sorry.
- Mingus, I don't
know how to do this.
- No, it's fine.
I mean, you have fun
at your whatever.
And I'll come back
here later tonight
and watch over these pots like
they are my very own children.
And by that, I do mean lie
about not having a date,
when I obviously do.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Bye.
- But is this too, like, cute?
Oh, fuck off.
Rude.
Oh, and then there was
the guy I met on Grindr.
The sex was very
tell-me-you're-a-Scorpio-
without-telling-me-
you're-a-Scorpio,
do you know what I mean?
Like, psycho, but hot.
- Are you nervous?
'Cause you've been talking
for like 20 minutes straight.
- What, about STIs?
Babe, it's not the '90s.
Fuck.
- Have you had sex
under the influence of
cocaine, meth, or heroin?
- No.
- Have you had
unprotected oral sex?
- Duh?
I'm sorry, no one's
gonna suck on a condom.
- Have you had
unprotected anal sex?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Would you like to receive
information about PrEP today?
We're gonna draw your
blood and do a rapid test.
Results will come back
in about 20 minutes.
- You good?
- Yeah.
God must be gay,
because She really looked out
for your girl Mingus today.
- Ooh. Okay, congrats. You
want to go grab dinner?
- Can't.
Scorpio texted, so I
gotta go get railed.
Bye.
- Hello? Somebody there?
- You're not alone!
- Whoo!
I'm not stalking you. I swear.
I'm buying Babylon.
You obviously need
to sage the bitch,
but think it's time to breathe
some new life back into it.
Don't you think?
That was good, what
you was doing up there.
Felt like I was watching
an exorcism or something.
What?
You think I'm still mad
about you running away
from my drag school?
You need to get over
yourself, bitch.
No, it's, um...
It's not about that.
I have HIV.
I fucking have HIV.
- Baby, it's gonna be okay.
You know I have HIV too, right?
- Am I gonna die?
I mean, like, I know I'm not.
And, like, I feel guilty for
even being upset about this,
'cause I know that it's, like,
not a death sentence anymore.
But I mean, like, you still
don't want this, right?
Like, I mean, if you can
avoid it, you should?
I just... I really... I don't
know. I don't know how to feel.
Can you just tell me how
to feel about this, Bussey?
- You will live a long
and possibly annoying...
- But healthy life.
I am.
Are guys still gonna
want to fuck me?
I mean, I hate that these are
the first questions I have.
I'm sorry.
- Yes, you will be fucking.
Skinny white boys will
always be out here fucking.
- But you'll fall in love, too.
I did.
- I'm sorry.
Did he pass away?
- No, bitch.
He at home trying to fix
our goddamn internet.
It's Bobby. The puppet guy?
- Oh.
- You met him at drag school.
Been together for 20 years now.
I want you to perform at the
teardown party for Babylon.
- Stop.
- No, I'm serious.
Your first performance
got interrupted by...
this.
You need a redo.
And if it's anything like
you were doing tonight?
Damn.
I can't believe it took
your ass getting diagnosed
with HIV to finally fucking
learn how to perform.
- Oh God, that is
so fucking dark.
It is darker when you don't
know how to laugh about it.
Trust.
- All right, I'm in.
- Yes!
- Oh, my mom's gonna be stoked.
- Mm.
Fuck. My mom.
How the fuck am
I gonna tell her?
- Mine's freaked.
Threw me out as soon
as she found out,
'cause she was afraid
she'd catch it.
- Total monster.
- My mom's not the monster.
I am.
- Where is our bartender?
- Y'all drunk white women
really know how
to take up space.
- Ugh. I know.
Honey, I'm so glad that
you reached out tonight.
We need to find a way
to get Ruthie and
Brodie back together.
- Ruthie has really been going
through it since their fight.
And she wasn't okay before
the fight either, I mean.
- Oh, Jesus.
Just get some balls and
say what you're gonna say.
Oh, shit.
Is referring to your
balls offensive?
- All right, here's the deal.
I'm tired of worrying
about Ruthie.
How is she doing? Is she okay?
Does she like being a mom yet?
I mean, no one
checks in with me,
and I'm the one
holding this shit down.
These past few months
have been hell.
Why am I attracted to
these needy white women?
Oh, fuck. Why'd I
just tell you that?
- Because we're friends.
- No.
Didn't you have lunch
with Ann Coulter once?
- As a joke.
We're friends, Shar.
And you know why?
Because I get you.
I know what it feels like
to raise kids on your own.
- Excuse, you had,
like, five nannies.
And you have no
clue what it's like
to raise kids in this body.
Like, you don't get me, Brenda.
When I was younger, I used
to put weights on my chest,
'cause I for real thought
they would go down,
and now I'm using them
to fucking feed babies?
It's a constant, feeling
like a stranger in this body.
So I'm in a stranger's life,
and I have this girlfriend who
lies to me, and ever since...
I constantly have this
pit in my stomach,
because she could walk out
the door and never come back.
I don't want to raise
these kids alone.
You get that, Brenda?
- No.
I mean, I know
what it feels like
not to get emotional support.
- I bet no one checks
in with you either.
- Oh, I'm fine, honey.
- Bullshit.
- No, I'm always fine.
Even though my children
want nothing to do with me.
They think I'm
radioactive or something.
- Well, I can say, as your
friend, with authority,
that's not true.
I'm here, aren't I?
- Bottoms up.
Can I say "bottom"?
- I have so much to learn.
- You really do.
- All right, Flo.
It's time for bed.
So Mommy can have a drink...
and watch "The L
Word: Generation Q,"
which is actually
better than I thought.
I dare you to do something
interesting before I leave.
Maybe next time. Goodnight.
- We're gonna take a quick
break after this song,
but we've got a few more slots
for the open mic if
you're feeling brave.
- Anyway, what were
we talking about?
- Um, I come from swamp trash.
- Right.
I love you so much more now
that I know you grew up poor.
- I hated it.
Luckily, I met Winston,
and I married him six
months later at 19.
- No offense, but was that
strictly a money thing?
- Oh, no.
I had the self-esteem of a
reduced fat cottage cheese.
I thought marrying him,
that would fix that.
It was gonna give
me all this freedom.
- Don't do the poor, little
rich girl thing, Brenda.
You better than that.
- Oh, I know I'm
problematic and privileged.
But this isn't
Twitter, all right?
This is me. A person in a bar.
And I am just telling
you how it was, okay?
- Fine.
- Yeah.
- Go on, Southern Nancy Meyers.
- Oh, I wish...
I wish I had all these
secret hopes and dreams,
but the truth is...
The truth is that I
met Winston too young
to have any, and then
he became my world.
I'd divorce him. I would.
But for what?
It's not like I have
anything waiting for me
on the other side to
make it all worth it.
- You have Flo and Jet.
- Until their brains
further develop,
and they decide they don't
want to have anything
to do with me, either.
- Eh.
- My life is over, Shar.
And the cruel joke is
is that I have to just
keep living it anyway.
- Your life is not over.
You're a sparkly person, Brenda.
I mean, obviously hot.
- You think I'm hot, huh?
- I have two working
eyes, so yeah, I do.
You got this, baby.
Divorce his ass. Take a risk.
- Excuse me.
You hear that?
You're one hot bitch.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a first-timer here tonight.
Please welcome to the stage,
singing "Maybe This
Time" from "Cabaret."
- Jesus Christ, I can't wait
for someone to fuck this up.
- Miss Brenda!
- Hey.
- Fuck.
- Oh, it's okay.
Oh, it's okay.
It's okay. Shh.
Mama.
- Did you just...?
- I'll take this as your apology
for fucking my man.
- Hey.
You've been in there
for like 30 minutes.
Either buy something or get out.
- I'll take a...
- What? Hawaiian
Punch slushie?
- Exactly. A Hawaiian
Slunch punchie.
- You ever think about
how I might still be alive
if you never came home?
Food for thought.
Ooh, look at you.
You got some tricks.
You have a secret?
Ooh.
- Okay, boo. Let's leave
the nice man alone.
- Have a great day.
Hello?
What the fuck?
- Are you done?
- Ruthie.
What's going on?
- I want your cum.
- What?
Oh, right.
- Thanks, Brodie. Seriously.
- Are we gonna be
friends after this?
- Is that what you really want?
- Ruthie, come back!
Fuck!
Fuck.
- Yes, bitch!
Ugh!
It's like watching a
pimple popping video.
So gross. Ew.
Okay, I sort of
love it. Keep going.
- Go on.
What the fuck?
Stop!
Huh?
- Does he have sausages
stuck to his fingers?
No, seriously.
Someone explain this to me.
- Oh, give it a rest.
He's still learning.
- $200 a lesson.
I could have invested
in cryptocurrency.
- I like it. It
sounds original.
- You're right, Julian.
- You're a genius, son.
In front
of Brodie. Shameless.
- That's my boy.
This one's going on the fridge.
- Do you want to
take one of me, too?
- Oh honey, I would, but
there isn't enough room.
It's a very small fridge.
Are you a little ticklish?
Yes, you are.
I know you are.
I know you are.
- Okay, can y'all be like
10% less psycho right now?
I'm on shrooms.
- Well, if you didn't
want the truth,
maybe you shouldn't
have come back.
That's a dead body.
That's a dead body.
- Did I... do this?
I want to stop now!
- We're gonna get so
shroomy boomy woomy.
We're gonna get
so shroomy woomy.
- Please!
- Okay, calm down.
- Stop doing this to me!
You can't kill me if
you already killed me.
Catch-22, or double jeopardy.
Which one has Ashley Judd?
- Shut up. Shut up!
I didn't fucking kill you!
A crazy asshole killed
you! It wasn't my fault!
- Oh, you don't believe that.
- Yes, I do!
- I'm sorry you're so fucked up.
- Uh, is he all right?
- He's fine.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm gone for just a little bit
and you become a drug dealer?
Um, no, this is... I'm
sending in my deposit.
For flight attendant
school. I got in.
- Julian, what?
Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Do flight attendants
gotta do dishes?
- I don't know.
I'm kind of hopeless
in that department.
- Let me help.
So I did shrooms today.
- Okay.
- And there's something I
want to talk to you about,
but it's kind of hard.
Just know that I'm coming
from a place of love,
and wanting to communicate.
- Are you sure you're
not still on shrooms?
- Honestly, no.
But I was thinking about
when we were kids, you know,
and how Brenda would always
give you special attention.
No, she didn't.
I mean, maybe there was,
like, a little extra,
'cause of my CP, but, you know,
I had all those
surgeries, and the PT.
- Right. That makes sense.
But you have to admit that
there was a baseline difference
in the way they would treat me
versus how they treated you.
- I don't know.
I guess I don't really remember.
I can't
do this right now.
Fuck.
Look, I'm just
trying to tell you
how I felt as a kid
being your brother.
- Which was?
- You were the star.
- No, Brodie. That was you.
- Julian, everyone handled
you with kid gloves.
And even though I was younger,
I had to help you
with everything.
- Do you think I like
having people hover
over me all the time?
- I think part of you does.
Because it lets you be
the center of attention.
- That is not true.
You know what?
Even if it was,
could you blame me?
The second I walk out that
door, I'm fucking invisible.
Meanwhile, you walk around
with a spotlight on you
at all times, that just says,
"Ooh, please come
have sex with me."
- Okay.
- Okay, just... I
need to go to bed.
- Julian, I had to
become Mr. Charming
because I thought it was the
only way someone would love me.
Like, I'm sorry, but
being the only adopted one
and being Black in a
white family, it's fucked.
- You're right.
I don't know what that
feels like, and I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- But how do you think I
feel, as a disabled person,
and when Mom and Dad adopted
a kid right after me?
It's like, was I
not good enough?
Why did we need someone else?
Brodie, I cannot cosign this
epiphany you had while high,
that I'm just, like, the
root of all your trauma.
- That is not what I'm saying.
You're being so
defensive right now.
- I am not being defensive.
You're being a dick!
- I'm being a dick?
You know what? I wasn't
even gonna say it,
but it wasn't enough
that you sucked all the
love from our family,
but you had to go and do
it with Noah too, huh?
- What bothers you more, Brodie?
That Noah fell for someone else,
or that he fell for
someone like me?
We were fucking in front of
your face the entire time,
and you didn't even notice
because you couldn't even
imagine Noah being into me.
I mean, no one can, apparently.
- I didn't notice because I
never thought my own brother
would fuck me over like this.
- That is bullshit.
You don't see me at all, do you?
You literally hired someone
to have sex with me
without my consent.
It's like, how do you think
that was supposed
to make me feel?
- I was trying to help you.
Look, everyone's always
trying to help you, Julian.
By the way, have you got
Noah to shave for you yet,
or you still having
Brenda do that for you?
- Please leave.
- Wow.
First you steal my boyfriend,
then you steal my clothes?
What's next?
You want my
passport, Mr. Ripley?
- Oh, fuck off.
- Everyone just
feels sorry for you.
That's why they still treat
you like a little kid.
When we were younger,
I couldn't even
play fight with you
because you were too fragile.
- Well, I think I can
handle myself now.
I mean, I did fuck
your boyfriend,
who's in love with me.
What's wrong, Brodie?
Do you want to fight me?
Now, I know why you ignored
me so much growing up,
The mystery is finally solved.
You were just so mad that
you couldn't beat me up!
Come on, Brodie! Nothing's
holding you back now!
- Hey!
What the fuck? Brodie,
what did you do?
- What did I do?
He started it!
- What are you, five?
I think you need
to leave. Now!
- No, I got it. I got it.
- Babe, are you okay?
What happened? What?
The babies all right?
- Yeah, they're fine.
Oh fuck, this is so annoying.
I can't stop fucking crying.
- Ruthie, just tell
me what's going on.
- What's going on is that
I am a shitty parent.
- Come on, babe. You're fine.
You learning.
- You know, I really thought
something was wrong with me.
Like, postpartum, except
I didn't even carry them.
But then tonight, Flo
said their first word.
- What?
Really?
W...
w... what was it?
- "Mama."
- Oh.
Flo called me Mama,
and it was like, fuck.
I thought I never
wanted to be a parent.
But now I think I just
never wanted to be a dad.
Fuck, I'm really making
up for lost time tonight.
- Shar, I promise you,
from here on out...
That I am going to
show up for our family.
Okay?
I am going to be the best
goddamn mom to our kids.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Mom.
- What were you playing?
It was gorgeous.
- I should never come back here.
Everything I touch...
turns to shit.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
wanted to do that.
- What the hell, Marvin?
- Sorry, baby.
Houseguests are like fish.
They go bad after three days.
I don't normally say this,
but you gotta get
your shit together.
- Or don't.
Just get the hell off my couch.
And wash ya ass.
Bitch, I can't believe
you fucked Noah.
My Noah.
You know, I'm tempted
to piss on your grave,
but I know you'd like that.
But you do hate it when
people steal your drugs.
I'll take this as your
apology for fucking my man.
- Morning. Couldn't
sleep again?
- When did Sarah Michelle Gellar
rebrand as a chef?
- I try not
to think about it.
I'm gonna go check the mail
for your acceptance letter.
- Don't.
- But it might have come today.
- I know, but I'm nervous.
Let's just have
our day, all right?
- You are meant to be up in
the sky, serving ginger ale.
- Right, well it does taste
better up there, for the record.
- Yeah. You know what
tastes better up there?
Mwah!
Let's go.
Boom. No cuts, bitch.
- Wow. I'm a real boy.
All right, turn
around. Hole next.
- Really?
- No, you sick fuck.
Plus, we're gonna need
a bigger one of these
if we're doing that.
- Oh. Is this for sex later?
The recipe does not
call for zucchini.
- They're for Eric and Taylor.
I'm making them
zucchini noodles,
because they don't
fuck with carbs.
- Hey, do you think
the whole meeting each
other's friends thing
is a little masochistic?
I'm just saying, we
might get back problems
from carrying the conversation.
- I just... I want to
be like a normal couple
that hangs out with
each other's friends
while eating a pasta dish
from the mind of
Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Which, speaking of...
- Are you kidding?
What can't she do?
- Hello?
- I'll get it.
- Let me in.
Peekaboo!
You took forever!
Shut the heck up.
You live here?
Okay, Mr. Adulting.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I miss this.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God.
- Me and Court were just saying,
is this the first time you've
seen us out of uniform?
- It is.
You've literally only seen
me dressed as a hot dog.
- Speaking of, I
got you a corndog,
'cause I know it's your fave.
- Oh!
- Okay, but seriously,
we miss you at the mall.
- Oh, did you hear Sandra got
fired from the Sweet Factory?
- She threw a Jawbreaker
at a customer.
Full concussion.
- Hi, hi. Nice to meet you.
- Okay, shut the hell
up. You're dating him?
You're such a babe.
We're hooking up.
I'm sucking you
off later.
No, I'm not. I'm not. Sorry.
- Well, don't act so shocked.
- Oh.
- I'm not shocked.
I'm just... okay!
That's what we're doing. Cute.
- Nobody can open any roads!
The helicopter's flying in!
Both: Taking two
people at a time!
Save our souls!
- Mwah, mwah!
- Come here.
Noah, your place looks so sick.
- Oh, Eric, Taylor,
this is Courtney.
- Hello.
- And George. And Julian.
- Hi, dolls, I am...
- Hi.
Where is this
super-secret hot boyfriend
you've been hiding?
- Oh, this is... it's
Julian. He's my boyfriend.
Both: Whoa!
- Boyfriends.
- That's amazing.
- Oh, my God.
- It's his house, too.
- These are delicious
zoodles, Noah.
- Thank you. I know
Sunday's your cheat day.
- Mm-hmm.
- How do you cheat?
Like, on a test?
- No, like, with food.
Literally, we turn
into garbage cans.
We eat pizza, we eat donuts.
- Donuts.
I tell my clients the secret is
no food after 7:00
p.m. or before noon.
- Mm-hmm.
- Huh. Sounds fun.
- Yeah, it is.
- Noah.
Serious question: can I
have my birthday party here?
- Oh, please, please, please.
- Oh, I'm... yeah,
I'm done with hosting.
- What?
- No.
- Oh, my God, come on, you
gotta rent this place out.
- Seriously.
- No, no, no.
We're taking a
break from all that.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Okay. Forget I
said it. It's fine.
- So where did the
two of you meet?
- Oh.
Well, we actually
met through my old...
- Hairdresser. Mm-hmm.
- You go to Amber.
- No.
- So, is it no or yes or...
- No, I mean, I do
go... I do go to Amber,
I just, I haven't gone
to her in a long time.
- Your hair's,
like, really short.
- Who wants seconds?
- I-I'm full.
- Excuse me.
Babe, are you okay?
- Yeah, I just wasn't expecting
the Spanish Inquisition tonight.
- Julian, you have nothing
to be nervous about.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
Okay, settle down.
We've got neighbors.
- That's wonderful.
- Word.
- There's my song.
- Okay.
- I was just telling the boys
about my Disney cruise audition.
- It was a slam dunk.
- It was between me and an
ugly girl, and she got it.
- Amazing.
I can see you doing Elsa
in the middle of the Gulf.
- Right?
- Me too.
- Guys.
- Yeah.
But hasn't the Gulf
suffered enough?
I'm obviously kidding.
Yeah, I'm kidding.
- So, what do you do, Julian?
- Um, I'm a tutor.
Both: Oh!
- Yeah, when he's not busy
being Mayor of the Mall.
- Malls have mayors? What?
- So, is that, like,
an elected position?
- I just mean that he
comes to the mall a lot.
- Well, before he
became too cool for us.
He's a cool guy.
He's a cool guy.
- Babe, tell them about
your airline thing.
- You're a pilot, too?
- No. No, no, no,
I'm not a pilot.
- He wants to be a
flight attendant.
He talks about it all the time.
- Yeah.
- Well, that, and
"Buffy" season six.
- Okay, no, no,
that's... honestly,
that's more of, like, a joke.
- Oh.
- Being a flight
attendant is no joke.
My sister works for WestJet.
She threw out her back pushing
one of those damn meal carts.
- What?
They're like 250 pounds.
- I know, baby, I know.
- They're a lot.
- Big bummer.
- Babe, can you help me with
the flan in the kitchen?
- Yeah, one second.
- Do you need a helping hand?
- I'm fine.
Hey, do you want seconds?
- No, thank you.
All: Oh!
- Whoa.
- He said no.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
- Someone threw a
slushie at our house.
- Oh.
- Dessert, anyone?
- Bye. Text
me when you get home.
Okay.
I didn't know I invited Liz
Taylor to the dinner party.
- I'm sorry.
I don't actually
know what happened.
- I've never seen you that way.
- I mean, did you
see how surprised
Eric and Taylor were
that we were dating?
Everyone was, which feels great.
- Julian, do you know
what attracted me to you?
- My fat ass?
It was your passion for the
things that make you you.
You didn't give a shit about
what other people thought.
I've never met anyone like that.
- Yeah, well, maybe I give
more of a shit than you think.
- Babe, you are in no
one's fucking shadow.
You hear me?
- Yeah.
- And I love that
fat ass. Let's go.
- Okay.
- I caved.
- Oh, my God, that's
such a big envelope!
Size does matter
in this instance.
- Okay, how about you open it?
- So, does this mean
I get to fly for free?
- Shut up.
Holy shit.
I'm gonna be a flight attendant.
- Congratulations, baby.
- What's wrong?
I'll only be gone for
like eight weeks, max.
It won't be that long.
The real issue, though,
is when I get hired,
because I'll be kind of
jet-setting around the world,
or more likely just
dead-heading to Cleveland,
passing out pretzels on
some regional puddle jumper.
What am I doing?
I can't do this.
- Oh, my God, you're
so fucking annoying.
If only you could just
see how fucking capable
and cool and adorable
and lovable you are.
- I'm lovable? Tell me more.
Shut up.
You know I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Okay. Okay.
This is literally
all I could find in your
room, so I hope it works.
- Bring it to me.
- All right.
- So do you thing you can do
pot patrol for a
little bit tonight?
- Uh, yeah, sure.
Are you working?
- No.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. I'm...
I'm... just nothing.
- Okay. Cool.
Changing the subject.
I hate to ask, but what
are we gonna do about this?
It stopped raining
this morning, so.
- Just give it to me.
- Here you go.
- We aren't gonna do
anything about this.
I'm gonna get an estimate
from a contractor tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Don't boundaries go both ways?
I get to be the parent
and pay the bills,
and have a private life,
and you can have yours.
- Yeah, okay. Sure. Sorry.
- Mingus, I don't
know how to do this.
- No, it's fine.
I mean, you have fun
at your whatever.
And I'll come back
here later tonight
and watch over these pots like
they are my very own children.
And by that, I do mean lie
about not having a date,
when I obviously do.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Bye.
- But is this too, like, cute?
Oh, fuck off.
Rude.
Oh, and then there was
the guy I met on Grindr.
The sex was very
tell-me-you're-a-Scorpio-
without-telling-me-
you're-a-Scorpio,
do you know what I mean?
Like, psycho, but hot.
- Are you nervous?
'Cause you've been talking
for like 20 minutes straight.
- What, about STIs?
Babe, it's not the '90s.
Fuck.
- Have you had sex
under the influence of
cocaine, meth, or heroin?
- No.
- Have you had
unprotected oral sex?
- Duh?
I'm sorry, no one's
gonna suck on a condom.
- Have you had
unprotected anal sex?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Would you like to receive
information about PrEP today?
We're gonna draw your
blood and do a rapid test.
Results will come back
in about 20 minutes.
- You good?
- Yeah.
God must be gay,
because She really looked out
for your girl Mingus today.
- Ooh. Okay, congrats. You
want to go grab dinner?
- Can't.
Scorpio texted, so I
gotta go get railed.
Bye.
- Hello? Somebody there?
- You're not alone!
- Whoo!
I'm not stalking you. I swear.
I'm buying Babylon.
You obviously need
to sage the bitch,
but think it's time to breathe
some new life back into it.
Don't you think?
That was good, what
you was doing up there.
Felt like I was watching
an exorcism or something.
What?
You think I'm still mad
about you running away
from my drag school?
You need to get over
yourself, bitch.
No, it's, um...
It's not about that.
I have HIV.
I fucking have HIV.
- Baby, it's gonna be okay.
You know I have HIV too, right?
- Am I gonna die?
I mean, like, I know I'm not.
And, like, I feel guilty for
even being upset about this,
'cause I know that it's, like,
not a death sentence anymore.
But I mean, like, you still
don't want this, right?
Like, I mean, if you can
avoid it, you should?
I just... I really... I don't
know. I don't know how to feel.
Can you just tell me how
to feel about this, Bussey?
- You will live a long
and possibly annoying...
- But healthy life.
I am.
Are guys still gonna
want to fuck me?
I mean, I hate that these are
the first questions I have.
I'm sorry.
- Yes, you will be fucking.
Skinny white boys will
always be out here fucking.
- But you'll fall in love, too.
I did.
- I'm sorry.
Did he pass away?
- No, bitch.
He at home trying to fix
our goddamn internet.
It's Bobby. The puppet guy?
- Oh.
- You met him at drag school.
Been together for 20 years now.
I want you to perform at the
teardown party for Babylon.
- Stop.
- No, I'm serious.
Your first performance
got interrupted by...
this.
You need a redo.
And if it's anything like
you were doing tonight?
Damn.
I can't believe it took
your ass getting diagnosed
with HIV to finally fucking
learn how to perform.
- Oh God, that is
so fucking dark.
It is darker when you don't
know how to laugh about it.
Trust.
- All right, I'm in.
- Yes!
- Oh, my mom's gonna be stoked.
- Mm.
Fuck. My mom.
How the fuck am
I gonna tell her?
- Mine's freaked.
Threw me out as soon
as she found out,
'cause she was afraid
she'd catch it.
- Total monster.
- My mom's not the monster.
I am.
- Where is our bartender?
- Y'all drunk white women
really know how
to take up space.
- Ugh. I know.
Honey, I'm so glad that
you reached out tonight.
We need to find a way
to get Ruthie and
Brodie back together.
- Ruthie has really been going
through it since their fight.
And she wasn't okay before
the fight either, I mean.
- Oh, Jesus.
Just get some balls and
say what you're gonna say.
Oh, shit.
Is referring to your
balls offensive?
- All right, here's the deal.
I'm tired of worrying
about Ruthie.
How is she doing? Is she okay?
Does she like being a mom yet?
I mean, no one
checks in with me,
and I'm the one
holding this shit down.
These past few months
have been hell.
Why am I attracted to
these needy white women?
Oh, fuck. Why'd I
just tell you that?
- Because we're friends.
- No.
Didn't you have lunch
with Ann Coulter once?
- As a joke.
We're friends, Shar.
And you know why?
Because I get you.
I know what it feels like
to raise kids on your own.
- Excuse, you had,
like, five nannies.
And you have no
clue what it's like
to raise kids in this body.
Like, you don't get me, Brenda.
When I was younger, I used
to put weights on my chest,
'cause I for real thought
they would go down,
and now I'm using them
to fucking feed babies?
It's a constant, feeling
like a stranger in this body.
So I'm in a stranger's life,
and I have this girlfriend who
lies to me, and ever since...
I constantly have this
pit in my stomach,
because she could walk out
the door and never come back.
I don't want to raise
these kids alone.
You get that, Brenda?
- No.
I mean, I know
what it feels like
not to get emotional support.
- I bet no one checks
in with you either.
- Oh, I'm fine, honey.
- Bullshit.
- No, I'm always fine.
Even though my children
want nothing to do with me.
They think I'm
radioactive or something.
- Well, I can say, as your
friend, with authority,
that's not true.
I'm here, aren't I?
- Bottoms up.
Can I say "bottom"?
- I have so much to learn.
- You really do.
- All right, Flo.
It's time for bed.
So Mommy can have a drink...
and watch "The L
Word: Generation Q,"
which is actually
better than I thought.
I dare you to do something
interesting before I leave.
Maybe next time. Goodnight.
- We're gonna take a quick
break after this song,
but we've got a few more slots
for the open mic if
you're feeling brave.
- Anyway, what were
we talking about?
- Um, I come from swamp trash.
- Right.
I love you so much more now
that I know you grew up poor.
- I hated it.
Luckily, I met Winston,
and I married him six
months later at 19.
- No offense, but was that
strictly a money thing?
- Oh, no.
I had the self-esteem of a
reduced fat cottage cheese.
I thought marrying him,
that would fix that.
It was gonna give
me all this freedom.
- Don't do the poor, little
rich girl thing, Brenda.
You better than that.
- Oh, I know I'm
problematic and privileged.
But this isn't
Twitter, all right?
This is me. A person in a bar.
And I am just telling
you how it was, okay?
- Fine.
- Yeah.
- Go on, Southern Nancy Meyers.
- Oh, I wish...
I wish I had all these
secret hopes and dreams,
but the truth is...
The truth is that I
met Winston too young
to have any, and then
he became my world.
I'd divorce him. I would.
But for what?
It's not like I have
anything waiting for me
on the other side to
make it all worth it.
- You have Flo and Jet.
- Until their brains
further develop,
and they decide they don't
want to have anything
to do with me, either.
- Eh.
- My life is over, Shar.
And the cruel joke is
is that I have to just
keep living it anyway.
- Your life is not over.
You're a sparkly person, Brenda.
I mean, obviously hot.
- You think I'm hot, huh?
- I have two working
eyes, so yeah, I do.
You got this, baby.
Divorce his ass. Take a risk.
- Excuse me.
You hear that?
You're one hot bitch.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a first-timer here tonight.
Please welcome to the stage,
singing "Maybe This
Time" from "Cabaret."
- Jesus Christ, I can't wait
for someone to fuck this up.
- Miss Brenda!
- Hey.
- Fuck.
- Oh, it's okay.
Oh, it's okay.
It's okay. Shh.
Mama.
- Did you just...?
- I'll take this as your apology
for fucking my man.
- Hey.
You've been in there
for like 30 minutes.
Either buy something or get out.
- I'll take a...
- What? Hawaiian
Punch slushie?
- Exactly. A Hawaiian
Slunch punchie.
- You ever think about
how I might still be alive
if you never came home?
Food for thought.
Ooh, look at you.
You got some tricks.
You have a secret?
Ooh.
- Okay, boo. Let's leave
the nice man alone.
- Have a great day.
Hello?
What the fuck?
- Are you done?
- Ruthie.
What's going on?
- I want your cum.
- What?
Oh, right.
- Thanks, Brodie. Seriously.
- Are we gonna be
friends after this?
- Is that what you really want?
- Ruthie, come back!
Fuck!
Fuck.
- Yes, bitch!
Ugh!
It's like watching a
pimple popping video.
So gross. Ew.
Okay, I sort of
love it. Keep going.
- Go on.
What the fuck?
Stop!
Huh?
- Does he have sausages
stuck to his fingers?
No, seriously.
Someone explain this to me.
- Oh, give it a rest.
He's still learning.
- $200 a lesson.
I could have invested
in cryptocurrency.
- I like it. It
sounds original.
- You're right, Julian.
- You're a genius, son.
In front
of Brodie. Shameless.
- That's my boy.
This one's going on the fridge.
- Do you want to
take one of me, too?
- Oh honey, I would, but
there isn't enough room.
It's a very small fridge.
Are you a little ticklish?
Yes, you are.
I know you are.
I know you are.
- Okay, can y'all be like
10% less psycho right now?
I'm on shrooms.
- Well, if you didn't
want the truth,
maybe you shouldn't
have come back.
That's a dead body.
That's a dead body.
- Did I... do this?
I want to stop now!
- We're gonna get so
shroomy boomy woomy.
We're gonna get
so shroomy woomy.
- Please!
- Okay, calm down.
- Stop doing this to me!
You can't kill me if
you already killed me.
Catch-22, or double jeopardy.
Which one has Ashley Judd?
- Shut up. Shut up!
I didn't fucking kill you!
A crazy asshole killed
you! It wasn't my fault!
- Oh, you don't believe that.
- Yes, I do!
- I'm sorry you're so fucked up.
- Uh, is he all right?
- He's fine.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm gone for just a little bit
and you become a drug dealer?
Um, no, this is... I'm
sending in my deposit.
For flight attendant
school. I got in.
- Julian, what?
Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Do flight attendants
gotta do dishes?
- I don't know.
I'm kind of hopeless
in that department.
- Let me help.
So I did shrooms today.
- Okay.
- And there's something I
want to talk to you about,
but it's kind of hard.
Just know that I'm coming
from a place of love,
and wanting to communicate.
- Are you sure you're
not still on shrooms?
- Honestly, no.
But I was thinking about
when we were kids, you know,
and how Brenda would always
give you special attention.
No, she didn't.
I mean, maybe there was,
like, a little extra,
'cause of my CP, but, you know,
I had all those
surgeries, and the PT.
- Right. That makes sense.
But you have to admit that
there was a baseline difference
in the way they would treat me
versus how they treated you.
- I don't know.
I guess I don't really remember.
I can't
do this right now.
Fuck.
Look, I'm just
trying to tell you
how I felt as a kid
being your brother.
- Which was?
- You were the star.
- No, Brodie. That was you.
- Julian, everyone handled
you with kid gloves.
And even though I was younger,
I had to help you
with everything.
- Do you think I like
having people hover
over me all the time?
- I think part of you does.
Because it lets you be
the center of attention.
- That is not true.
You know what?
Even if it was,
could you blame me?
The second I walk out that
door, I'm fucking invisible.
Meanwhile, you walk around
with a spotlight on you
at all times, that just says,
"Ooh, please come
have sex with me."
- Okay.
- Okay, just... I
need to go to bed.
- Julian, I had to
become Mr. Charming
because I thought it was the
only way someone would love me.
Like, I'm sorry, but
being the only adopted one
and being Black in a
white family, it's fucked.
- You're right.
I don't know what that
feels like, and I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- But how do you think I
feel, as a disabled person,
and when Mom and Dad adopted
a kid right after me?
It's like, was I
not good enough?
Why did we need someone else?
Brodie, I cannot cosign this
epiphany you had while high,
that I'm just, like, the
root of all your trauma.
- That is not what I'm saying.
You're being so
defensive right now.
- I am not being defensive.
You're being a dick!
- I'm being a dick?
You know what? I wasn't
even gonna say it,
but it wasn't enough
that you sucked all the
love from our family,
but you had to go and do
it with Noah too, huh?
- What bothers you more, Brodie?
That Noah fell for someone else,
or that he fell for
someone like me?
We were fucking in front of
your face the entire time,
and you didn't even notice
because you couldn't even
imagine Noah being into me.
I mean, no one can, apparently.
- I didn't notice because I
never thought my own brother
would fuck me over like this.
- That is bullshit.
You don't see me at all, do you?
You literally hired someone
to have sex with me
without my consent.
It's like, how do you think
that was supposed
to make me feel?
- I was trying to help you.
Look, everyone's always
trying to help you, Julian.
By the way, have you got
Noah to shave for you yet,
or you still having
Brenda do that for you?
- Please leave.
- Wow.
First you steal my boyfriend,
then you steal my clothes?
What's next?
You want my
passport, Mr. Ripley?
- Oh, fuck off.
- Everyone just
feels sorry for you.
That's why they still treat
you like a little kid.
When we were younger,
I couldn't even
play fight with you
because you were too fragile.
- Well, I think I can
handle myself now.
I mean, I did fuck
your boyfriend,
who's in love with me.
What's wrong, Brodie?
Do you want to fight me?
Now, I know why you ignored
me so much growing up,
The mystery is finally solved.
You were just so mad that
you couldn't beat me up!
Come on, Brodie! Nothing's
holding you back now!
- Hey!
What the fuck? Brodie,
what did you do?
- What did I do?
He started it!
- What are you, five?
I think you need
to leave. Now!
- No, I got it. I got it.
- Babe, are you okay?
What happened? What?
The babies all right?
- Yeah, they're fine.
Oh fuck, this is so annoying.
I can't stop fucking crying.
- Ruthie, just tell
me what's going on.
- What's going on is that
I am a shitty parent.
- Come on, babe. You're fine.
You learning.
- You know, I really thought
something was wrong with me.
Like, postpartum, except
I didn't even carry them.
But then tonight, Flo
said their first word.
- What?
Really?
W...
w... what was it?
- "Mama."
- Oh.
Flo called me Mama,
and it was like, fuck.
I thought I never
wanted to be a parent.
But now I think I just
never wanted to be a dad.
Fuck, I'm really making
up for lost time tonight.
- Shar, I promise you,
from here on out...
That I am going to
show up for our family.
Okay?
I am going to be the best
goddamn mom to our kids.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Mom.
- What were you playing?
It was gorgeous.
- I should never come back here.
Everything I touch...
turns to shit.
- It's okay.
It's okay.