Queer As Folk (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Welcum to the Hellmouth - full transcript

- Nope. It's a lookalike.

See, it's
all about the nipple.

If you don't see a
nipple, don't touch it.

- Okay,
now I'm getting hard.

- Gross.

- Isn't it a bit morbid...

Picking shrooms off
people's graves?

- Bitch, aren't you about
to be in med school?

You better get used to
playing with corpses?

Oh, never mind.

- See, that's different.

Those people donated
their bodies to science.

- Okay, and these
ones graciously chose

to fertilize the Earth

so that you and I could come
face-to-face with Buddha

or gay Jesus or whatever.
- Come on.

Okay, um, so do we,
like, cook them, or...

- Nope, we're just
gonna chomp them down.

They are way more potent raw.

Oh, speaking of, did you
know that a baboon's colon

is five times
bigger than a man's

because he only eats raw food?

- That is not what I
thought you were gonna say.

- I know... You
could probably fit

a basketball player's whole
foot in there if you wanted to.

- You know, I think
I was more turned on

when we were talking
about corpses.

- Gay gasp.

Babe, jackpot.

- "Sweet Keaven in Heaven,

"Nine sweet angels in the sky.

"Too early for you to die.

I hope you're having fun in
your kingdom of the sun."

"Sweet Daddius,
I'm the saddiest.

"Nine sweet angels in the
sky, too early for you to die.

I hope you're having fun in
your kingdom of the sun."

- I got to get some air.

- "Oh, Sheridan, I'll be
wondering where you been."

- I can't wait for these
fucking vigils to be over.

- Are you crazy?

It's like our gay reparations.

We getting paid handsome

just to hug on some
strangers while they cry.

- If I have to hear
one more person

talk about how they
could have been there

and then take a selfie
just to get their money,

I don't know.

I just feel like we're
pimping out our trauma.

- Don't worry... there'll be
another shooting soon enough,

and they'll forget
about little old us.

But if seeing my pretty face
here opens their wallets,

so be it.

- You know what? You're right.

Let's get this money, baby.
- Hey, that's my girl.

So what you spending
your check on?

- Ugh. I don't know.

I'm currently staying
with my ex for free.

We're in this weird
space where we're...

- Damn, I did not ask
for your life story.

You got to cut out
with that drama.

Look, I'm bound to blow mine
on hookers and Xanny bars.

And you know what that's called?


- Marvin, you're an inspiration.

- Brodie...

it's 6:30.

- Yeah, but my forearm
muscles basically atrophied,

so this is kind of like
my physical therapy.

- So jerk yourself off, then.

- Come on. Play with me.

- Oh, shit.

I feel like I've
been hit by a bus

and dragged for three blocks.

- Really? But you
didn't drink last night.

Did you?

Why is Daddius under the bed?

- Because it's creepy and
morbid to have him just out.

- I'm glad we're
scattering his ashes,

but I actually think
Daddius would have loved

to spend eternity watching
us breed each other.

You know he would.

- You know, it's
been shockingly nice

having you and your
brother stay here...

but what's your plan,
like, long-term?

Can we not with the
parental role-play?

Look, I'm about to
get a major payout

from the Survivors' Fund,
and then I will find a place,

pack my shit, and
get out of your hair.

- Hey, I didn't say I
wanted you out of my hair.

I just asked what your plan was.

- Well...

my plan was to jerk you off,

but now I guess I'm gonna have
to go get these trauma dollars.

- Did you just say our
babies are assholes?

- I didn't say it. I sang it.

And you have to admit...

A hunger strike is an
asshole thing to do.

Can we please just
try baby formula?

- Ruthie.

My God, is
this lady stalking us?

I mean, which part of "you
are not their gam-gam"

does she not understand?

- Oh, come on,
Brenda's harmless.

Besides, my mom is a massive C,

and your parents are, like,
a thousand miles away.

It's not like we
couldn't use the help.

- I don't know.

- Oh.

- Ooh, not a chance.

- Okay.

Shut the fuck up.

- Find anything good?

- Bookings have been
pretty slow since...

How you doing?

Question on everyone's lips...

My teachers, my friends, my mom.

- I hear you.

- Here.

- What is this?

- Trash...

so, um, it should suit you.

- Bitch.

This all your drag shit?

- Yeah, I don't need it anymore.

- Sure you do.

My drag school
starts next month.

Pull up.

- Nah, it's gonna
be a hard pass.

- You're right... I haven't
been going to church,

and I probably should.

Yes, I'm sure Mom would be
disappointed, but I think...

Papi, I got to
run. I'm sorry...

No, I'm not being smart.

Love you.

- Want to watch "Buffy" with me?

- I'm sorry.
I-I got to work.

- Okay, well, I'm
gonna go watch a show

that turns any real-life problem

into a monster that
can be defeated,

usually in, like, 45 minutes.

Also, um...

the guys are hot, so...

I do love hot guys.

- Oh, my God, that's
crazy. Me too.

Come on.

- I mean, can you believe him?

Like, I'm sorry I don't
know what I should do

after almost being murdered.

What the fuck is that?

- Do you want me to be honest
with my very bestest friend

or pretend you're someone else?

- Oh, pretend I'm someone else.

- Mm, sorry. Can't.

But you never wanted
to be a doctor.

When you quit, you
dodged a bullet.

So what now? Good question.

- Fuck you.

- Hello, thrivers.

11 weeks ago, I was
getting my damn life, sis.

I was out on the
Babylon dance floor

being a happy little faggot.

I can say it.

I can say it.

And then the shooting happened.

- Do you think he realizes
he looks like a Proud Boy?

- I think he was a Proud Boy

until he realized he could
get more attention this way.

- Please, put your paws up
for Lani Simpson's parents,

Clara and Reed...

Sheridan Segal's
sister, Charity...

- What is this?

- The victims' families.

- And the parents
of Daddius Miller,

Phil and Kim.

- What the actual fuck
are they doing here?

- Be strong.

Slay, mamas...
And papas.

While all of us
survivors struggle

every G-damn day
since the shooting,

these families are still
really, really bummed,

and they will be
pretty much forever.

Oh, sorry. Bringing
the room down.

We're here to provide a light
at the end of the tunnel,

which is why we partnered
with LeBlanc Auto Sales

of New Orleans to provide
each of them a brand-new car.

Let's see it,

- Are you fucking kidding me?

They refuse to claim his body
but show up for a free car?

- Oh, shit, for real?

Oh, that's cold.

- You okay?

- You want to be honest or
pretend you're someone else?

- Okay, two scenes ago,

she is in full-blown denial
about being the slayer,

and now she's all-in, full-on
hunting this vampire lady?

- Give the binge the
respect she deserves,

and she will reward you.
- If you say so.

- Oh, my fucking God.
Where you been, bitch?

- Damn, Bussey.

- Mwah.

This is nice. Who paying
for all this shit?

- Me, baby.

Also, what's wrong with him?

- Girl...

- A cameo from
Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

- Wait, Daddius'
parents were there?

- Mm-hmm.

JCJ gave them a free
car for their loss.

- Oh, fuck that.

- Sorry, what's the problem?

Free car equals good, right?

- The problem is that
Daddius' shit-stained parents

disowned him when he came out.

Oh, no, wait, sorry,
they first sent him

to an ultra-religious
conversion camp,

and then they disowned him.

- Wait, how'd you know Daddius
went to conversion therapy?

- I don't know...
He probably told us

when we were all hanging out.

- Hmm, no place to
hang out anymore.

- God, these fucking vigils
are killing queer nightlife.

- I don't know. Make
me want to drink.

- Yeah, but in that

Heath Ledger smelling the
shirt kind of way. Pass.

- Every gay bar is
either closed or empty.

When did the
faggots get so soft?

- Preach, baby.

I mean, hell, these bars
survived the damn AIDS crisis.

- And we'll survive this, too.

Fuck the bars. Let's
do this ourselves.

We'll throw a party
better than Babylon.

- Okay, Brodie Luther King.

- Like, this is how we
should be honoring Daddius

and all the other victims,

not some shitty vigils
that cater to sad heteros.

- It's a nice idea, Brodie,
but with what money?

- 40K from the Survivors' Fund.
- 40 grand?

Damn, if I would have known
they were giving out that much,

I would have signed up.

- I got 52 Gs

'cause they thought this
chair was from the shooting.

JCJ is
such a dumb bitch.

- I know.

I got a 20K bonus
for getting shot.

Ruthie just said
trans... $10,000.

- It feels like the
trauma Olympics.

- Well, if you got all that
money, I say go for it.

I love this for you.

- Great...

because I know the perfect place

to host the party.

- Where?

Oh. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Brodie, absolutely not.

- Come on.

You were telling me I
needed a plan this morning.

Noah, this is the plan.

- Look, I love this energy,
but times have changed, Brodie.

- Come on.

Daddius would've killed
for one last party.

- I guess you know what's
best for everyone, don't you?

- What? He would have.


So you'll think about it, babe?

He's gonna think
about it.

- Spaghetti à la
carbonara, piping hot,

just like the ancient
Romans used to microwave.


Earth to Ming.

- What?

Oh, um...

yeah, I'm not hungry.

Thank you.

- Hey.

- I know it's been
a rough month,

but I have to go concerned
mom on you for a second.

- Mom, can we please not?

- I found your Survivors'
Fund letter in your trash.

Why didn't you want to sign up?

- Why did you go
through my trash?

- Look...

I can't tell you
how to process...

what happened.

But that money... it sure would
have been helpful around here.

- Or for your college...

for your drag.

- Fuck all that.

I'm done with drag.

Donated all my shit.

- Hey, you... you donated?

Forget it. I know
what we need to do.

- Yeah, I'm not
going to the vigil.

- Oh, this is better than
thoughts and prayers.

See, it helps, right?

- Can we go now?

- And the crazy
thing is, I tried...

Like, really tried to
not be gay for them.

You know, I cried

after watching gay porn for
the first time after that.

- I'm so sorry, babe.

- Wait.

Wait, was this song playing

during this entire
depressing conversation?

- Oh, no, I put my
sex playlist on...

- I am getting emotional

to maybe the gayest piece
of music ever released.

- Okay, I can turn it off.

- No, I think we have
to embrace it now.

We dance away the pain.

- Oh, oh.

It's a fucking bop.
- It is.

- I'm sorry, that's
a fucking bop.

- Watch out, girls.
Here she comes.

- Hey.

You okay?

- Can you do the thing, Brodie?

- Here...

Close your eyes.


Mm, this one's really stuck.

Must be a big one.


no more bad thoughts.

- We can have the party here.

- Really?

What made you change your mind?

- Where you off to, bitch?

- First day back on the job
sculpting NOLA's young minds.

Also, honey, you do not
want to go in there.

Shar is on one,

and Mama B definitely
woke up and chose chaos.

- Why do you think I'm here?

Shar's been blowing up my
phone since last night,

and I figured you'd be pissed
if I blocked them, so...

Oh, B-T-dubs,

I'm throwing a party
tonight at mine and Noah's.

- Oh.
- So you have to come.

- Wow. Okay,
"mine and Noah's."

Brodie, maybe this whole
Noah thing isn't a good idea?

- I don't know.
I'm optimistic.

You'll come to the party?

- Look, I obviously want to go,
but Shar's is losing their mind

with this whole
breastfeeding thing.

Oh, and to cap it
off, the twins, like,

legit don't fuck with me.

And, like, yeah, I know
they're young and whatever,

but the way they look at
me, it's giving spooky.

- See...

these all sound like
reasons you should come.

- Whatever. We'll see.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Am I too late?
Did you kill her?

- Brodie, I can't
get rid of Brenda.

I've tried.

I have said truly
awful things to her,

and I think she just
thinks they're funny.

And she keeps calling

and showing up with these
fucking delicious casseroles.

I can't do it.
- Yeah.

She's never met a boundary she
won't just utterly demolish.

- Now we know where you get it.

- Do something about her...


- Brenda, everything okay?

- You.

You are on my shit
list right now.

Were you ever gonna tell
me you had children?

- Brenda, Flo and Jett
are not my children.

I went into a sad,
sterile little room

filled with crusty, 15-year-old
hetero porno magazines

and rubbed my half chub
until I splooged into a cup.

- Oh, please don't
say "splooge."

"Came" or... or, hell,
even "shot my load,"

but not "splooge."

- I'm just saying... I did
a nice thing for my friends

out of the kindness of
my heart... that's it.

- Honey, I'm gonna
break this down for you.

Mama needs some joy right now.

I am premenopausal,

I am married to your father,
which, well, enough said,

and my favorite barista
has turned against me

for reasons that I am
still trying to figure out.

Why are you hiding these
beautiful babies from me

and poisoning pure, innocent
Julian against his mother?

- Okay.

- I am being
vulnerable with you,

and you are laughing at me.

- 'Cause I didn't poison
Julian against you.

He wanted to move out.

And maybe I didn't tell
you about Flo and Jett

because they don't
need your special brand

of childhood trauma.

- Brodie...

You got to stop blaming other
people for your problems.

You screw up your
life all on your own.

- Brodie.

Brodie, where are you going?

No, please wait. Take her!

- Ha, ha, ha. Aha, ha.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Yo, hey, yo.

- Angel's a vampire?

- This is why you
respect the binge.

- Hugo Gyrl gave me a fag
discount on some of their work

so I can redecorate.

- How much redecorating
do you have in mind?

Brodie. Brodie.

- This is Ali.

I hired him to help
us build the ramps.

This shit gonna be accessible.

- Oh, my God.

It's perfect.

- Yeah?

It's Daddius' last party.

It's got to be as
epic as he was.

- Hey, careful with that.

That shit is the
best on the market...

The Screamer.

- If you don't
stop giving me lip,

I'll have you screaming
in this thing later.

- Oh. What, what?
- Ooh.

- Y'all fucking?

- It's costing me
most of my payout,

but I got the
boyfriend experience.

- Fucking firecrackers.

- You all right, Marvin?
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry. We have to cancel.
- Bitch, we can't cancel.

- Are you kidding me? This
is a death threat, okay?

You might not be
worried, but I live here.

- This is exactly
what they want.

Send us back into the corners
and take away our safe spaces.

- What about this looks safe?

- We supposed to
live in fear forever?

- I don't know, Buss.

I think I'm hate-crimed
out for the week.

- Brodie, we can't
go through with this.

- Do you smell that?

Is that...


Y'all don't smell that?

It's, like...


- Brodie?


Fuck, yeah.

- Brodie, where were you?

- We got to take control
of our lives again.

Those swamp-bred gator-fuckers
didn't scare us off,

but they did give us our name.

- Daddius would've liked it.

- Our patron saint.

Let's go get "shwasted."

What's up, bitches?

- Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

New Orleans is back, baby.

- Hey, come on in.

There's a second
bar in the back.

Three exits are marked.

And if you need
anything, I'm Brodie.

- Thanks. I don't
think we're gonna stay.

We just wanted to pop in.

- Okay, pop in for
as long as you need.

- What's up, Brodie?

- Yeah! Whoo, get it, girl.

- Okay.

Hey, look out, bitch.

- Max would have loved this.
- Nice to see you.

- Girl, I needed this.
- Girl!

You better get
over here. Mwah.

Um, uh, excuse me.

- Yeah, bitch!

- Hey. Hey.

- I can't believe
everyone's here.

- I know, girl.
This is amazing.

- Hey, baby. Tequila.

- $5 hard seltzer.

It's just what I needed to heal.

I feel so much better.
- Mm.

See, I know you're being
sarcastic, but you're welcome.

I'm glad you're here.


- Wow. Brodie's
party looks so fun.

- Get here, bitches!

- Not that I want to go.

We're living the
real dream, babe.

They're all jealous of us.

- You're a dummy.
- Mm.

- Yoo-hoo!

Hello, my loves.

- Oh, my Lord.

Brenda, it's damn near 9:00.
This madness has got to stop.

- Oh, I-I-I don't know, babe.
I mean, it's kind of kismet.

We were just talking
about how fun it would be

to go to Brodie's party.
- Were we?

- And then Brenda shows up
like some fairy gam-gam.

- What are you talking about?

You texted me and asked if I
could come help with the kids

so you could go rage,

which, for the record, I love.

- For real, Ruthie? So
now you trying to play me?

- Oh, okay, it's
not that deep, Shar.

- Oh, I am doing this alone.

- Yeah. Yeah, you
are, by choice.

Our dynamic has always been
about you taking control.

And usually I love
that about you.

Oh, especially that...
Brenda, close your ears...

That fisting thing you do.


But I can't sit here,
not be allowed to help,

and then get in trouble
for not helping.

So, for the next two hours,

you cannot listen to
Brenda instead of me.

I love you.

Thanks, Mama B.
- Mm-hmm.

- So...

what's this fisting
thing you do?

- Mm-mm.
- Hmm?

- Go, Brodie!

- Look what you did.
- It's good, right?

- I don't love that
my student's here,

but otherwise...

- Welcome to Ghost Fag, y'all.

How does it feel being reunited

after three, long horny months?

- Feels good!

- I'm gonna keep this brief

'cause last thing
anyone needs right now

is another sermon, you heard me?

- Amen!
- I don't know about y'all,

but I am tired of going
from vigil to vigil,

getting hugged by
crusty-ass strangers,

praying for our saintly
friends up in Heaven.

I'm like, "Heaven?

We talking about
the same faggots?"

'Cause we all know they
kiki-ing down in hell.


'Cause hell is hot...
- That's right!

- And so were they.

- So tonight they
toast is for us,

to give us a chance to remember
our friends, not as symbols,

but for the messy-ass
sluts we knew and loved.

My sister, Kennedy.
- We love you, Kennedy!

- On three different occasions,

stole my top-shelf wigs.

Human hair,

There's a special place
in hell for that ho.

Who else?


- Uh, Keaven'd never admit
it, but I'm pretty sure

he never washed his sex
toys after he used them.

- Ugh, tea.

- That's so Keaven.
- Who else?

- At his birthday orgy,

Daddius spilled poppers
all over my cat.

And instead of cleaning her,

he passed her around for
everyone to get high.

- Yo, that's my girl!

Never wasteful.

The truth is, I'd be
a messy bitch, too,

if I had parents
who'd claim a free car

but not their own son.

Fuck, uh...

Daddius may have
been a piece of shit,

but he was our piece of shit.

To Daddius.

All: To Daddius.

- All right, all right,
y'all, who's next?

- I mean, is Ruthie right?

Am I just a psychotic
control freak or...

- Yes.

- We've just been on
completely different pages

since Flo and Jett were born.

Maybe it's the shooting,

or maybe it's...
Maybe she's been off

since Brodie got his
hooks in her again.

I don't know. I just... I
just want to get this right.

- Oh, my God.
Please just shut up.

Come with me.

This way.
- Mm.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- It's just ashes, dude.

- Hey, babe. Babe. Babe.

Where have you been?
Look at this place.

It's amazing. We did it.

- What the fuck is
wrong with you, Brodie?

- Wait, what?

- I didn't even want
to have this party,

but you manipulated me

using Daddius' death
to get what you want.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I
didn't manipulate anything.

- Bullshit!

You say and you do whatever
you can to get what you want,

just like you weaseled your
way back into my house,

back into my life just
when I started to move on!

- I thought we were... we were
finding something good, Noah.

I-I don't understand.

- Because you're
selfish, Brodie.

You never think about
anyone but yourself!

This... this... this whole
thing is not about Daddius.

It's not about the
fucking community.

It's about you!

You're a fucking disaster,
and I'm done with this.

Now you're leaving.

Of course!


- Who wants shots?

Then buy some, you
cheap bastards.

- What do you
think you're doing?

- You know, when my
boys were babies,

formula had only been
regulated for a decade.

And guess what.

Julian and Brodie
turned out gay...

I mean, fine.

- Depends on your
definition of "fine."

Is it so bad that I don't
want to fuck up my kids?

- Oh, Shar, sweetie,
baby angel...

they're gonna be fucked up.

I mean, being a parent
is fucking up your kids

and just hoping it's
the right amount

to give them
interesting stories.

- Ew, no.

- Oh, wow, Shar, rejecting
your own breast milk...

Self-loathing much?

Now, first we finish
our night-night juice.

And then we're each
gonna take a twin,

and we're gonna give them
their night-night juice.


- Not bad, actually.
- I know, hmm?

You are not a failure, Shar.

You're a good...


Zaddy, zaddy.
- Okay.

- Come in.

- You okay?

Mostly embarrassed.

Feeling a little guilty.

Took all my shit out on
Brodie, and he can be fragile.

I went in.
- He'll be fine.

I'm more worried about you.

I miss Daddius...

Like, all the time.

Sometimes I miss him so much
that I feel like I'm choking.

It's fucking turning me into...

I'm scared.

- Come here.

- I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

- It's okay. It's fine.

Um, I'm gonna...

- Oh, fuck.

- Don't know what's
going on with the ho.

She was supposed to perform
tonight, but I told her,

"Listen, If you can't get
your shit together, like"...

- What the fuck now?


Those are my clothes.

- Mine now, ho.

I mopped 'em, fair and square.

Made some alterations.

You should watch where
you puking next time.

They look better on me.

- Listen, Chicky, you're in
no shape to pick a fight,

so unless you want to be
cleaning that toilet bowl

with your face,

I suggest you put a lid on it.

- I want my shit back.

- Your little Payless shoes
and cheap Rexall eyeliner

is still sitting in them
garbage bags I found them in.

You want your shit...

You can find me
at my drag school.

- Oh!

- Child!

- Bitch, get your ass home.

- Hey.

- What is happening?
- Oh, we...

We fed the twins formula,

and then we got wasted.

- You are my hero, Madam Brenda.

- It was my pleasure, doll.

You know, I cherish any time
with my little babies...

even if I'm not officially
their grandmother.

- Well, don't tell Shar,

but you're their gam-gam
as far as I'm concerned.

- Shar's a good egg.

Don't forget it.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Hi, Ru.


- Who are you?

- She's a beauty.

How's the new car handle?

- What the hell do you want?

- I have a message from Daddius.

- Excuse me?

- Kaboom.

- Get inside.

- You really did it.

Everyone is asking
about the next party.

- I wouldn't hold your breath.


I just wanted to say...

- Oh, you don't
have to apologize.

I was being truly
psychotic earlier.

- Oh, no. No, not that.

I obviously did nothing wrong...

- But I am sorry

that I didn't realize how close
you and Daddius had become

since I left.

After the ceremony tomorrow,
I'm gonna pack my shit.

- No, I...

I don't want you to go.

- Earlier, you said...
- Look...

I'll always love you,


I'm just not the same
person I was when you left.

- So...

you are breaking up with me?

- Yes, but I want you to stay.

You can move into the
infinity room out back.

Be my family, Brodie.

- Just to be clear,

when you say "family,"

do you mean like
FamilyDick family?

Right, right.

Platonic it is.

Come here.

- I thought we were giving
Daddius a proper internment.

This is a public park.

- We are.

I mean, what better
final resting place

than Daddius' favorite
cruising spot?

Did you hear that
someone blew up

Daddius' parents'
free car last night?

- No, I didn't.

It's a good thing I was
hosting a party last night.

- Hmm, sure is.

- Hey, y'all.

- Why are we dumping him
next to used condoms?

Right, makes sense.

- Okay.

Ready to say goodbye?