Queer As Folk (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Babylon - full transcript

- Yes.

- Yeah, you like that?

- Fuck that ass. Yeah.

- Oh.
- Take me.

Oh, oh. Punish my white ass.

Mm, my ass takes
up so much space.

It's so fucking privileged.

Let me pay reparations
with my tight hole.

- Okay, this is entering "Get
Out" levels of fucked up,

so I'm gonna get out.

- Is it the tattoo?

- The tattoo isn't great.

- Wait, I thought you needed
a place to stay tonight.

- I think I'm good.

Want to Venmo me
for hotel, though?


And here I thought
you were an ally.


Hey, you good bro?

Drinking and biking, not good.

- Thanks, bro.

- Fuck.

- Don't you move.

- Mother, Father.

- Honey, what are
you doing here?

- I lost my keys.
- Brodie. Wow.

You love a dramatic
entrance. When'd you get in?

- Now, basically.

- That's literally impossible
because the last direct flight

from Baltimore gets
in at midnight.

So unless you went through
Atlanta or Shreveport...

- Sweetie, sweetie, I love you,
but literally no one cares.

So can we not with the
21 questions or the gun?

I can take it from here, honey.

- But I want to know...
- Go to bed, chop chop now.

Back to bed.

Off you go.

- I'm glad to see you and
Dad are still doing well.

- Brodie, what's going
on? Are you on drugs?

- No, Brenda, are you on drugs?

- Ambien don't count.

And what are you
doing home, huh?

Don't you have tests?

- I just came home
to study. You know,

I thought you'd be
happy to see me.

- Oh, Brodie, you're bleeding.

On my $5,000 Moroccan rug.

Right there.

- I wonder which
one upsets you more.

- Both.

I'm allowed to be
upset with both.

So how's med school, huh?

I'm guessing not
great if you're here.

- No, no, school's great.
Exactly like "Grey's Anatomy."

- Cut the crap, Brodie.

- Look, if I'm that
much of a burden to you

I can just go stay with Ruthie.

Sorry to mess up your house.

- Don't be such a drama queen.

- Says the person
still holding a gun.

- Oh, sorry.

I hate these fucking things.


- Ta-da.

Praying you don't
actually use this.

- Thanks, big bro.


- That's it? He's
just gonna leave?

- I thought you'd be
used to it by now.

- Yo, Ming!

- Oh, my God, thank you.

What the fuck?

Babe, your cousin looks like me
like two gender identities ago.

This shit isn't gonna work.

- You'll be fine.

- But whatever, I
failed my AP Lit exam.

So my mom's not even
gonna let me go tonight.

- Ming, it's Judy we're
talking about here.

Besides, you can always come
with Merk and I instead.

- Mm, no thanks.

I don't really need to see
anyone get teen pregnant

at another shitty bonfire.
Thank you, though.

- That was tenth grade.
But okay, that's fine.

All right.
- Okay, BRB.

Hi. I think you made a mistake.

- Mingus, you called
Holden Caulfield

an incel loser who should
have been canceled at birth.

- Mm-hmm. Where's
the lie, though?

- I mean, you're not wrong,
but it wasn't the assignment.

- Please, Ms. O'Neil,

If I don't get a B or at
least like a cheeky little C+,

then my mom's not gonna

let me audition for
drag school tonight.

If I don't get into drag school,

then I'm gonna be forced to
spend the rest of my life

matriculating with these
basic-ass "yas queens."

And as a fellow member
of the 2SLGBT-cutie club,

I hope I don't
need to gay-splain

the importance of
community to you.

- If I do this will you
stop speaking Twitter at me

and leave me alone?

- Maybe.

Here you go.

A plus? Oh, my
God, Miss O'Neil.

- Hi.
- Hola.

- Hola.

- Oh, my God, baby,
did you get the fake?

- Sure did.
- Let me see.

It kind of looks like you.

Okay, they'll never know.

Also Jake, your cousin is hot.

- Oh, but is he hotter than me?
- Ew. Jake, please.

- The test? How did we do?

Oh, my... thank God,

And you didn't have to
pull the queer card again?

- Not even. Can you believe?

- Wow, a D+ you
earned all on your own

without weaponizing
your marginalization.

It's like we're
back in the '90s.

- Okay, we're gonna go to
Sephora on the way home.

- Oh, I like Sephora.

- Sorry. Sorry, guys.

- Damn, lady!

- How was school, Mama Bear?

So encouraged for today's youth.

Speaking of, how about Francis?

- Ew, for our kid? No.

Ugh, there's this
junior named Francis

who's got this snaggletooth,

and sometimes crackers
will get stuck in her teeth

and it shoots out when
she gets all excited.

It's a no for me, babe.

- Okay, well, what
names do you like?

And don't get
fucking crazy either.

The first names have
to be white kid names

so they can get jobs.

- Brodie? Hi, Daddy.

- Don't call him that.

- Wait, did it
happen? Did I miss it?

- No, they're still cookin'.

Sure looks like they
ate Paula Dean, though.

- Great. So you still
have room on the couch?

- Wait, why? Are you in town?

- Well, I'm here for the weekend

'cause I want to spend
time with you before,

you know, it's too late.

- Cher's shaking their head no,

so I don't think
it's a good idea.

- Don't throw me under the bus.

- Well, now they're saying not
to throw them under the bus.

- Brodie, we love you.

And we love your
hot fucking sperm.

I don't have the energy to
be his therapist tonight.

He can't stay here.

- Daddy's home. Hey!

Eh, eh. Hit it, hit it,
hit it. Get it, get it.

- Cher hates me.

- No, no. Cher loves you.

It's just the hormones.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

It's a lot to have a
house guest right now.

- And you? You
ready, Mommy Dearest?

- Oh, yeah, totally.

I'm excited I get to
finally be responsible

for someone else's
childhood trauma.

Look, I'm... I'm not gonna
pretend I'm not shit-baked.

I mean, you know my parents.

I'm just excited to give my kids

something better
than I had, you know?

- Well, if there was ever
someone unstable enough

to turn my seed into a
fully grown delinquent,

it'd be you.

Okay, so what? Did you
realize Baltimore sucks

so you came crawling back home
to restart your life here?

Oh, hey, shit. I'm kidding.

You're really moving back?

- I don't know.

But I don't want to
talk about it right now.

- Have you seen Noah yet?

- You think I should call him?

- I think you should
clean up your last mess

before you start a new one.

- Damn.

You know, I miss
being dragged by you.

- Mm. Here to drag
you anytime, baby.

But you still can't stay here.

- I take it back.
You're toxic.

- Hey, you can be
trans and toxic.

It's called
intersectionality, bitch.

- Intersectionality this.

- Yeah, fuck you. Bye.

- Bye. I love you.

- Hello?
- Don't stop.

- Hey, Daddy. You busy?

- Never. How's my baby girl?

- Keep fucking me.
- I'm okay.

I'm back in the Marigny

and I'm thinking about
crashing with Noah.

- What?

- Tell me it's a bad idea.

- What... why... why...
Why would you do that?

- Because I don't
have anywhere to go.

- Okay. Stop.

Just turn around.
You can stay with me.

- Who are you talking to?
- My mom.

- Sorry, I'm not in the
mood for an orgy tonight.

- Hey, no, I just...
I don't think

that he wants to
see you right now.

- Did he say that?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Why would he... why
would he say that to me?

I'm just saying...
I'm just assuming

because you dumped him
and then skipped town.

- Anyway, I guess
we'll find out.

I'm almost there.

- You fucking faggot.

- Love you too.

- Your mom?
- I gotta go.

- What? I thought we
were going out tonight.

- Yeah, 11:30.


Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Are you gay?

I'll see you there.

- What'd you forget?

- Hey, Noah. Catch
you at a bad time?

- Place looks great.
- Thanks.

When you moved out I knew

I had to have it
renovated or exorcised.

Get rid of all that
negative energy.

- You look like you've
been exercising too.

So, uh, throw any parties?

- Nope. Parties were
more your thing.

How long are you in town for?

- I'm not sure yet.

I just needed a break
from med school.

- What's that mean?

- I mean, you plan to
go to Tulane for years

and then you switch
and leave the city

literally out of the blue?

Right when my mom dies?

What am I supposed to say?

- I... I'm really sorry.

I sent a card.

- My dentist sent a card.

- But you look like
you're doing fine.

Your new boyfriend forgot
their douche, though.

- It's mine, actually.
- Yeah, right.

What do you mean?

Serious? Wow.

I mean, you know, almost
three years together

and you don't so much as
bend over to tie your shoes.

- I know.

I didn't think I'd
like it so much.

- Uh, you... you know what?

I'm actually happy for you.

Uh, so who's the lucky top?

Nope, never mind.

Is he taller than me?
Don't... don't answer that.

- Someone's been watching HGTV.

- Local fag hangs a few mirrors.

Identifies as masc.

- I'm so proud of
you. Looks so good.

- Look.

There's the Big Dipper.

- I'll show you a big dipper.

- Promise?

- Mm-hmm.

- I have something else
I want to show you.

- Wait. Really?

- Oh, my God. Yes.

- Can't believe you
kept all my stuff.

- What else was I
gonna do with it?

Okay, you can stay
with me for a bit

but we need to lay
some ground rules

so we don't slip back
into our old ways.

- Sure, absolutely.
- Okay.

No kissing, no cuddling, no sex,

no calling me from
the bar at 3:00 a.m.

because you forgot your car.

- Okay, that only
happened like...

We can do this.

- I can do this.

Jury's still out on you.

- I'm not a kid anymore.

Scout's honor.

- Okay.

I'm going to a
drag show tonight.

- Sounds fun.

- Yeah, su... okay.

- Damn it, I just realized

I forgot half a stack
of papers at school.

- Go in the morning.

- Can't go tomorrow.
Carl... Janitor Carl,

he's going out of town on
some, like, swamp tour.

Carl's wife just
died. He needs a win.

I'll just do it now.

- Nice. What are
you really doing?

- You're right. I was lying.

- Mm-hmm.

- I just... I feel
really bad about

the poor Brodie ambush thing

and I wanted to surprise you

with some beignets
for breakfast.

- Mm.

- But Now you've
gone and ruined it.

- Mm. Cool surprise.

Ruthie, get off of me.

You still got toothpaste
crust all over your mouth.

Oh! Mm, okay.

Stop. You look like
you have rabies.

- Let's stick another baby
in there when I get back?

- I hate you so much.

- I'll have my phone. If
you need anything just call.


- You're hot.

- Duh.

- All right girl, you ready?

- Yes.

- Holy shit. Is that
who I think it is?

- "We are the weirdos, mister."

- Is that my good eyeliner?
- No.

- I am so sorry
I can't be there.

Of all the nights
to pull a double,

when my baby's auditioning
for drag school.

Should I call in sick?

- No, someone needs to be able

to afford the eyeliner
in this house.

- Here.

- Ew. What... Mom, Mom, ew.

- You're so perfect.
How are you feeling?

- Yeah. I'm good.

- Mm-hmm.

- Honestly, I'm...
I'm kind of nervous.

I've never performed on, like...
Like, a real stage before.

- That's not true.

- The sixth grade talent
show does not count, Mom.

Yeah, I don't know, whatever.

I just... I really want this.

- Then go get it. Here.

- Oh, my God.

- Right?

May Fairuza be with you.

Okay, grab your shit.

I'm gonna drop you off
on the way to work.

- Okay.

- Hey, you're gonna kill it.

- Okay. Bye.

- Hey, kid.

Follow me, chicky.

- All right, folks,
move it or lose it!

Come on!

- I usually pick
someone stronger, but...

Maybe we can help
each other out.

- What?

- Either that or get back in
line with your fake-ass ID.

If you're 21, I'm a Rockette.

And don't hurt yourself.

- God, I miss this place.

- Oh, before we go in,

I... just so you know,
I'm meeting someone.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's... that's cool.

You know what?

I'll actually meet you in there.

I have to make a phone call.

- You okay?

- Of course.

- Kay.

- Can I bum a cigarette?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- So you just gonna watch?

- Oh, oh. Yeah, sure.

- Sorry.

- It's all right.

- Put your back into it, chicky.

- Do you want to stay down here?

- Okay.

Three, two, one.

- Okay.
- Whew!

- Thanks, chicky.
Have fun in there.

Remember, there's
no one more powerful

than a young gay
person at the club.

So enjoy it while it lasts.

When are y'all
gonna fix that ramp?

- Oh, hey, Marvin.

Missy says it'll be
installed next week.

- My dick. Cheap,
ableist faggots

been saying that for
the past five years.

- Hey... nice boots.

- Ow, my leg. Ow!

- Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

Can I get you a drink?

- Oh, that's so kind
of you to offer.

I'll take five shots of
whiskey and two Jagerbombs.

What are you having?
- Same.

- I'm Brodie, by the way.
- Oh. Marvin.

I haven't seen you
around. You a tourist?

- Nah, I've been in
Baltimore for med school.

- Rude of you to
be hot and smart.

- Oh, actually, I dropped out.

Just had this feeling of "Why?"

Like, why am I here
reading about liver tissues

for the next 10 years?

I fucking hate hospitals.

- Hot, smart, and
afraid of commitment,

every gay man's type.

- Well, not every gay man.

My ex replaced me with a ficus.

- Fuck off with your problems.
I'm not your therapist.

- Wait, what?

- I was flirting
with you, you dick.

- Oh. Yeah, sorry, of course.

- Ew, bro, stop. It's fine.

And yes, I have a huge dick.

And yes, it fucking works.

- Okay, we need to tell him.

- Bitch, are you insane?
- He's...

- That is a terrible idea.

- He's staying with me.

I can't do the
lying thing anymore.

I've spent too much of
my life keeping secrets.

- We are not a secret.

Babe, this isn't a thing.

Ooh, baby, welcome back!

- So when do we get to
meet your new boyfriend?

- Whatever.

- What's up his butt?

- Who cares? You're back.

Ooh, let's go catch up.

Grab me. Grab me.

- Jesus, this tastes like
fentanyl-laced baby laxatives.

What the fuck did
you cut this with?

- "What the fuck
you cut this with?"

Nothing. Jesus Christ.

A little bit of Viagra.

Fuck, I missed you, Daddius.

Being back has been so weird.

Ruthie's about to be a mom.

Noah is douching in front
of those new plants.

- Hey. Forget about Noah.

The best way to get over someone

is by getting
under someone else.

Or on top or behind
or standing up, babe.

The possibilities
really are endless.

- Hey, hey.

We ran out of quarters
in the front bar.

- Ask Rick.

Does it look like
I'm on duty tonight?

- You never look
like you're on duty.

- Fuck you.

Can I help you?

I guess not.

- Hey, chicky.
- Hey.

- When you go on?

- Ah, you know what?

I... I'm actually not,
the lineup's full.

So just gonna go next time.

- Wait, what? But
you're already here.

No, no, that's bullshit.
No... come with me.

- No.
- Excuse me, sorry.

- Excuse you.
- Hey, you.

Where do you get off?

- Can we just go, please?
- No.

This is exactly what's
wrong with the gays.

You sit up there
on your pride float

waving your rainbow flag.

Yet you want to sit here
hiding behind your clipboard,

discriminating against
this poor, young,

beautiful white boy?

How dare you?

- Text me your track.
You're up fourth.

Tell your boyfriend I'll
have another one of these.

- Oh, shit. Stop.

Stop, stop.

- You okay?
- Yeah, no, I'm...

Just... my makeup. I
still have to go on stage.

- Right. We can
work with that.

- Shit, sorry. I'm tucked.

- Not anymore.

- You stupid bitch.

- Have you seen Brodie yet?

- Okay, you judging me is rich.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I rocking the
foundation of your horny

haunted house of cards?

It's not like fucking
your best friend's ex

warrants a conversation.

- You are gonna make
such a great mom.

- I know.

- All right, all right,
all right, y'all.

Show some love

for Miss Virginia Slim Jim.

All right, y'all, keep
that same energy going.

We're welcoming to the stage

for her Babylon debut,
Miss Chicky-Fil-A.

- Oh, shit. That's me.

Fuck. Can you dump my bag?

- Yeah. I got you.
- Put my wig on.

That's the wrong way.
- Mm.

- For the last time
do we have Chicky?

Okay, then, moving right along.

Leda Buffet.
- She's here.

She's here. She's coming.

- Oh, right. Great.

Boys and ghouls, please
give it up for this

poor, young, beautiful
white girl, Chicky-Fil-A.

- Nope.

- You're a witch.

- Nancy, you scared
the shit out of him.

Thank you very much. Let's go.

- No, he's gotta pay.

- You're just jealous.

- Jealous? Jealous?

You don't even exist to me!

You don't even exist.

You are nothing. You are shit.

- I'm sorry.

- He's sorry.

Oh, he's sorry, he's
sorry, he's sorry!

He's sorry! He's
sorry! He's sorry!

Sorry! Sorry... ahh!

- Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.

- Meet me outside.

- I'm standing outside
the Babylon Nightclub

where earlier tonight a gunman

entered the establishment
and opened fire.

Now, we don't yet know the
extent of the casualties,

though they are reported
to be significant.

And though police have
apprehended a suspect,

they're asking people to stay
away from the Frenchmen Street

so that ambulances can better
get in and out of the area.

- What is it?

- I need to get to the hospital.

- Mingus! My son is in there.

Look, I ca... I have
to get in there.

- Ma'am, stay back.
Right. Please.

Stay back.

- It's not him.

- You're okay, you're okay.

Just look at me, you gotta...

You gotta keep your
eyes open. Fuck.

What are you doing?

- Please, I'm a nursing student.

- Please, can you... can you...
Can you call my girlfriend?

I can't get ahold of her.

- I'm sorry, we're
really busy right now.

- Pardon me, ma'am, I'm
pretty fucking busy here too.

- Look, hold on just a moment.

If it's just broken, I
need you to wait out here.

We don't have room
inside, I'm so sorry.

Come on, let's go, guys.

Everyone, stay outside.

Just a moment.

We're going to get you
all some attention.

We understand everyone is hurt.

- That's Kevin. He
drove in from...

From Shreveport.

And this here, this is Kennedy.

Now, she's not out to her family

so you have to be care...
Bitch, get away from me.

- I know you want to help but
you'll be no good to anyone

if you bleed out in the ER.


- This is my family.

- Stupid.

- Cher!

Cher? Fuck.

- Four, five, great.
Great. Breathe.

Keep going. You're
doing so good.

Four, five, keep going.

- You're doing
great. All right.

A few more. All
right, take a...

- I'm sorry. I am so
sorry. I'm so sorry.

- Where were you?
Where were you?

Is that... is that blood?

Where were you?
Where were you?

- Cher, I'm here. It's okay.

- Another one's coming.

All right. Push. Keep
going, keep going.

Keep going.

- Good job, good job.

All right, take a
break, take a break.

- I'm sorry.

Here. Shit.

I don't know what
you like, so...

- Sorry. Who are you?

- I'm Mingus.

You... you saved my life.

You ate my ass in the bathroom.

- How old are you?

- 20.

17, Jesus.

- Where are your parents?

- Sorry, you don't
remember what happened?

- No, and I'd rather not.

- Well, you got that bullet
pulling me off stage.

So I probably wouldn't
be here right now if...

- They didn't have Cool Ranch?

- Brodie!

- I thought it was
music at first.

- Sorry. How you doing?

You look even hotter
with a bullet wound.

- Just waiting for
the Percs to kick in.

- I don't want to
make your night

any more complicated,

but I think it just got a
little more complicated.

- How?

- I think you're a dad.

- Wait, what? How do you...

- I just met your friend Ruthie.

- Is she okay? Are Noah
and Daddius with her?

- Who?
- You have a kid?

- No.
- Can you take me to her.

- Are you sure you're
okay to get up right now?

- I'm fine. The
bullet's just in there

so get me out of here.

- A little light
in here tonight.

Congratulations. A
healthy boy and girl.

- Well, we don't know that yet.

- Hi.

- Oh, my God.
- Hi.

- Miss O'Neil?
- Mingus?

- You two know each other?

- Yeah. She's my
English Lit teacher.

- Brodie, why is he...
- No, mm-mm.

- You know what?
Don't tell me.

- I'm so sorry,
Brodie. You all right?

- I'm fine. Have you
seen Noah or Daddius?

- No. I haven't seen them.

- Well, did they
find who did it?

Was it a hate crime?

Like, are we safe here?

- Yeah, they're not really...

- Oh, God.

- It's fine.

- Can I use your
phone to call Noah?

- Of course.

- Come on, come on.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Hernandez.

We're just talking to some folks

that may have
witnessed the incident.

- I wasn't there.

- Then what are you doing here?

- I'm looking for my
boyf... ex-boyfriend.

- So you weren't at the
club during the shooting?

- I was outside.

- Okay. Why were you outside?

- Meeting a friend.
- What for?

- To suck his dick
in the fucking alley.

Do you need a play-by-play?

- What's your friend's name?

- Daddius.

- Daddius Miller?

- Yeah. Why?

- It's okay.

- No answer.

- I'm sure they're okay.

- What are the babies' names?
- We don't know yet.

- Yeah. Still trying
to land on a pair

of gender neutral names
that aren't boring and shit.

- Flotsam and Jetsam.

- Sorry, I... I didn't
mean to say that out loud.

- Like Ursula's eels?

- I mean, hey, it's unique.

- Stop.

- Okay, shit.

Here, you have to hold Flotsam.

- Do not call our kid that.

- Ruthie, no. Loo...

- Fuck.
- Take it back.

- He stopped crying.

- I have to find Noah.

Take him back.

Can you just leave me alone?

Just go home.

I had two kids tonight.
I don't need a third.

- I'm gonna...

- So no beignets, huh?

- I'm sorry. I'm
so sorry for lying.

I really messed this up.
I should have been there.

- I could have... I
could have lost you.


I know you've been
through a lot tonight,

but we cannot do this
without you, Ruthie.

- You say that now.

Talk to me two days
into diaper duty.

- Oh, God. Noah.


It's okay, it's
okay. I'm right here.

I'm okay.

- Daddius is dead.

- I'm sure he's okay.

- Yeah. I shouldn't
have let him go alone.

What the fuck was I thinking?

- Excuse me. I'm
with "The Telegraph."

Can you tell us about your
experience last night?

I'm sorry to bother you,

but we're trying to
get a little intel.

- Go stick that
thing somewhere else.

They don't want to
talk to you right now.

Go on. Shit.

- It's okay, baby.
Just breathe.

- I... I didn't pay my bar tab.

- It's all right, Chicky.

It's all right.

You were amazing tonight.

Gotta work on your
blending, though.

- No, no, I'm done. I'm done.

- I don't know about that.