Queen America (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Texas - full transcript

-Previously on...
-You called me
your client just now.

-I don't even know where
to start with Samantha.

-We need Regina.
-No. I'd never ask
for her help again.

-This is you begging, yes?

-You are a magnificent bitch
from hell.

-Thank you.
- When do I get
to see you again?

- My fake gym offers
fake spin classes every day.

-And my platform is sex slavery.

I mean, putting an end
to sex slavery.

-We need to find you
a new platform.
-What about bullying?

-I don't think anyone would
look at you and believe you know
anything about being bullied.



-I know a lot about
being bullied.
-What's all the noise?

-Just getting etiquette lessons
from Princess Diana here.

- She's not
an obvious winner, but there's
something endearing there.

I'm in.

- Five, six, seven, eight...

-And just to clarify
one last time, this is
your only talent?

-Yes, ma'am.

-Well, this won't do.

The judges can tolerate
mediocrity in just about
any other category,

but the bar for tap dancing
is simply too high.

-I am aware of that, Regina.

-Remember the last girl
who won with tap dancing?
-I think she might have died.

-I'm getting a really bad
migraine.

-Maybe I should pick
a different song,
something more emotional?



-Why don't we move
on to interview?

-Good idea.

Now, the trick is
to make the interviewer feel

like they're having
a conversation with you.

But they're not.
In a conversation you're
both asking questions,

but in an interview,
you're only giving answers.

What the interviewer asks
is out of your control,

so the key is
to guide the interaction

so that you're still
holding the reins.

I'll demonstrate.

Give me something, Regina.

-Victoria.

Uh, abortion is
a controversial topic.

What are your feelings
on the subject?

-Well, to me, the real issue
is that kids

are engaging in sexual activity
too early.

If I was crowned Miss America
Starred and Striped
United States,

I would make sure
that our nation dedicates
more resources

to sexual education
in order to decrease the number
of unplanned pregnancies.

-But you didn't answer
the question.

-I answered the question
I wanted to answer.

And I gave a soundbite
that nobody could disagree with.

Your turn.

Here. I'll start easy.

Samantha. Describe to me
your relationship with God.

Well, more than "God"...

I just really believe
in like... energy.

-I started with religion because
it's a no-brainer, Samantha,

a no-brainer in the sense
that there is only
one correct answer,

and that answer is Jesus.

And please, please
don't put finger quotes
around the word "God."

-I mean, I believe Jesus
existed; I guess I just believe
more in like spirituality.

-I don't care what you
believe in when you're chopping
wood back in Claremore!

When you're wearing that sash,
you believe in a beautiful
cloudy heaven,

with a bearded man who sent you
his one and only son
named Jesus!

- Well, I...

have a lunch to get to,

uh, which I might cancel
and take a nap instead

because this has been
so profoundly depressing.

If you want me to call
sponsors begging for money,

find this girl a new talent.

And for Christ's sake,
get her to a church.

Bye-bye.

-I want you to find
a church service this Sunday.

Not Catholic.

And nothing where they roll
around on the floor.

Those videos go viral
in a heartbeat.

-Maybe I can go with you?
To your church?

-To my church?

Yeah. Sure.

Now, I've gotta hurry
to the board meeting there.

They're announcing the state
pairings today.
-The what?

-It's a tradition, honey.
Every year the crown holders
in every state

are paired with a girl
from another state.

You make appearances together
to promote the pageant.

-Really it's a publicity stunt.
-Like a buddy program?

-No, Samantha.

Like someone who wants
to destroy you in front
of your entire family,

but instead you pose
for photos together.

-Oh.
-The risk is obviously
being paired

with someone who upstages you.

Fortunately, we don't have
to worry about that this year,

because I've pulled some strings
and I think I've secured
a partnership with Nebraska.

-Whoa-ho-ho!
-And that's a good thing?

-That's a great thing.

Nebraska's talent
is free-style rollerblading.

-We've put a lot of thought
into the pairings this year.

And obviously Nebraska is
an exciting choice.

-Very fine state.
-Yes, lots of warm feelings
for the Nebraska team.

But then Rick
made an excellent point.

- Thank you, Nancy.

Look, Oklahoma is a sash state.
We're one of the best.

That means we should be paired
with one of the best.

And Nebraska isn't the best.

-Well, I don't know about that.

-We can do better, Vicki.
I did some maneuvering,

and I've gotten us paired
with Texas.

-Texas?
-Texas.

-Two of the best states,
side by side.

You can't buy that publicity.

-Well... this sounds
like an incredible opportunity

to bring out the absolute best
in both states.

-Texas?

-Sorry to sound clueless,
but, um... what's wrong
with Texas?

-Explain it to her, Nigel.
I can barely see
out of my left eye.

-Texas is always the one
to beat.

They've never not placed
in the top five at Nationals.

It's just something
in the water over there,
they're like a machine.

-A lot of Texas girls
move to different states
to avoid competing there.

-The smart ones.
-This means we'll be
working with Mandy Green.

-Who's Mandy Green?
-She coaches
all the Texas girls.

She's like the Dallas version
of Vicki.

As soon as I heard that sentence
out loud, I realized
what a mistake it was.

-Texas has more backstabbing
ass clowns per capita

than anywhere in the nation,
but Mandy takes the cake.

-Then why do you have a picture
of her in here?

-So that I don't forget
she's out there somewhere...

living.

It's a long story.

-Mmm, oh. Here. Try that.

-Whoa.

Oh, for God's sake, Andy!
Is dairy in that?

-It's coconut milk.
Relax.

See? I listen to all
your silly rules.

-It's not silly.

Dairy is fine for calves,
because they grow up to be cows.

But I'm not a cow, am I?
-You most certainly are not.

-You have
soup on your mouth.

- You know,
when I open my restaurant,

I am gonna make sure
there's a special menu
for people like you.

OK? No dairy, no sugar, no fat.
No fun.

-Sounds like my kind of menu.
-Hmm.

-So what is your plan exactly?

Huh? So you open this
one restaurant and then what?

Are you planning on expanding
to Oklahoma City?
Make it regional?

-I'm not really thinking
that far ahead yet.

-Don't you think you should be?

-I don't know.
I'd just be happy having
one restaurant people like.

I mean, that's not
an easy thing.

-But one restaurant?

You're not going to make
a big name for yourself
off one restaurant.

-I'm not trying to make
a big name for myself.

I am just trying
to make a good living.

-And what exactly is
"a good living" in your opinion?

-All right, what is going on
with you tonight?

-Sorry. It's not you.

It's this news about Texas.

It's just sent me
into a whole mood.

-Well, I don't know anything
about pageants,

but you know
you're good at your job.

So why don't you just
relax about it?

-No. You don't understand.

Putting Samantha up
against Texas

before I've even had
a chance to polish her,

it's a public execution.

-Oh. OK.

OK.

What's this girl's name?
Huh? Miss Texas?

-Oh, no, it's
too depressing, Andy.
-Come on.

She's such a big deal,
I wanna see what we're
dealing with.

Brittany Garrett.

Double T, double R, double T.

-Garrett.

Oh, come on, this girl?
You can beat this girl.

-You don't have to do this.

-I'm serious.
Look at her teeth.

-What's wrong with her teeth?
-They're fake.

They stick out like horse teeth.
-Oh. You might be right.

-And all these photos
of her doing charity work?

She's trying way too hard.

I mean, come on.

-You're pretty cute when you're
trying to cheer me up.

-Well, that is the goal.

-You know, Chef,
I'm not really hungry.

-Oh.

-Why don't we put this
in the fridge

and have it tomorrow instead?

-You know, I can't
stay the night.

I only have the babysitter
till 11:00.

-Oh!

Yeah. I didn't realize
tonight was a child night.

-Wednesdays through Saturdays?

-Hmm. I guess I forgot.

-Well, you can always come back
to mine, if you want.

You know I would... I would
love for you to meet her.

-And you know that that's
not really my thing.

Kids don't like me.

I scare them.

-I know, I know.
Don't worry about it.

-But you're right
about Texas, though.

What I need to do is find
a flaw and exploit it.

-Yeah, I don't think
I said that.

-Well, I'm saying it.

-What are you doing here?

-Just dropping off
some groceries.

-You think we forgot how
to feed ourselves without you?

-Yes. I do.

-She thinks she's
a celebrity now.

Why are you dressed
like Taylor Swift?

-My team got it for me.
-Milk made of almonds.

-Yeah. My coach says
it's better for you.

-How much did you spend
on all this?

-It's fine.
What time does Dad get home?

-Late.

Girls get paid to prance
around in a swimsuit,

meanwhile I can't even
get a restaurant job.

-You can't get a restaurant job

because you got stoned
before your interview
and slept through it.

-You only won anything 'cause
you can wear a dress without
lookin' like a cow.

If I had tits and a twat,
I might be livin'
in Utica Square too.

-Get your shoes.
We're going to Texas.

-Wait.

-Sorry. My alarm went off
but I thought it was a dream,
so I fell back asleep,

and then I dreamt that I had
gotten out of bed and was
getting dressed, but I wasn't.

I was still in bed.

Where is everybody?

-Doing recon
on the Texas team.

-So it's just...
you and me?

-That's right.

- Texas has
a talent rehearsal

at the Mammoth Center at 2:00.

We can sneak in back and watch.

-Mammoth Center.
God, Texas is tacky.

-Oh, my God.
My dream house.

Oh, my God, it's for sale.

Mm! I've been driving past
this house since I was a kid.

-You should go
to the open house.

-It's probably still out
of my price range.

I love that house!

-You definitely deserve it,
honey.

-Bruce?

You waste your time
on those straight men.

-This is Oklahoma.
They all think
they're straight men.

-You can do better than someone
who goes home to his wife
every night.

-This might come
as a surprise to you,

but we're not all blessed
with the same plentitude
of options.

-What does that even mean?

-It means this is
the Bible Belt; you cast
a wider net than I do.

-Well, still, you shouldn't
put so much stock in him.

What does he do?

Puts on his sweatpants
and tells his wife
he's going to the gym?

If you don't set your
standards reasonably high,

people will come in
as low as you let them.

-You know, I'm not sure
when you became such a protector
of the sanctity of marriage.

-Marriage is married people's
responsibility.

Look, I don't care if you sleep
with someone else's husband.

I care if you blush
like an idiot schoolgirl
every time he texts you,

like he's your boyfriend,

instead of someone who washes
you off of his dick and
brings it back to his wife.

I'm saying this as your friend.

-Well, speaking of married men,
I guess it won't bother you

to hear that Robert's
back in town?

-Wait, what are you
talking about?

-I thought you were past caring.

-What did you hear?

-Apparently he moved back
last month.

Alone.

Rumor has it his wife
is staying in Oklahoma City.

I didn't mean to upset you.

- He's so secretive

-You didn't upset me.

-βͺ And I don't know why βͺ

- Mm-hmm.

-So how long have you
worked for Vicki?

-Ever since she stopped
coaching me.
-Oh.

I didn't realize you competed.

What year were you
Miss Oklahoma?

-I wasn't. I was Miss Tulsa.
-Oh.

-I was first runner-up at state,
same as you,

except my year the winner
didn't drive her car
into a Chinese restaurant.

-For what it's worth,
winning Tulsa is a lot harder
than winning Claremore.

-Everywhere in Oklahoma's
different versions
of the same shit.

-What?

-Tulsa has three universities
and like four different museums.

If you think
it's the same everywhere,

you haven't spent a lot of time
in the actual shit.

-Well, whatever. I've got
a whole plan worked out.

I figure I'll be somewhere
on the west coast
in the next couple years.

-My mom was on the west coast
for a while.

She and I are like huge
Beach Boys fans, it's our thing.

-Break's over.
You've had enough protein.

- There's probably gonna
be security at the door.

Who do we say we are?
-Tell them you're
Brittany's stepmother

but you don't want to disturb
her concentration, so she can't
know you're there watching.

-I like that.
And who are you?

-I'm your brother-in-law,
but there's this whole thing

with one side of the family
because of the racial stuff.

-Great. Hi there.
We're here to watch
the rehearsal.

-She's Brittany's
stepmother.

-Brittany gets nervous
when I watch, but I'm
just so proud of her--

-Just slow it down.
You guys are here
to watch the pageant girl?

Yeah, you can just go inside.
I don't need to hear all this.

-Oh. You sure?

-This ain't
a Cowboys game, lady.

-Come on.

- I can barely see.
Is she up there?

-I don't know.

-What's happening?

-Where did that chair
come from?

-Hurry up.

-These pants weren't made
for walking so fast.

- Vicki... Ellis?

Is that you?

- What--

-What are you doing?
She already saw us!

- I panicked!

-I think you're exaggerating.

-I'm telling you, she has
a perfect left leg split.

-Cynthia? Is that you?

-This church is so beautiful.

-Yes. I've been coming here
for years.

Deacon Paul is a close friend.

-Wow.

I didn't know your faith
was so important to you.

-Uh-huh.

Pastor Collin.

Vicki. Vicki Ellis.

-Hello.

-Tell me, is Deacon Paul
here today?

-Deacon Paul?
I'm so sorry, but he died.

-Oh!

When?

Was it sudden?

-It was about two years ago.

It was a pretty slow decline.

-Weeping may endure
for a night,

but joy will come
in the morning.

Amen?
- Amen.

- Now please stand
with your hymnbooks and join me
in singing "Amazing Grace."

-We're going
to the bathroom.

-But I don't have to pee.
-Yes you do.

-Quick, come on.
- It's a miracle.

-Sorry.

-Why the hell didn't you tell me
you could sing?

-Because I can't.

-Don't (bleep) with me.
I just heard you.

-No, I can't sing in public.
-If you can sing, you can sing.

-You don't understand,
I have terrible stage fright.

OK. I don't get it
whenever I dance,

but something about singing
makes me panic.

-Do I have to explain to you

that 70 percent of
Miss America U.S. winners
are vocalists?

The judges love singers.

-I'm not a singer.

OK, I'm fine if nobody's
listening,

but as soon as there's
an audience, my throat just--

-I don't care
about your throat.

If I have to drag you up
to that microphone myself,

you are going to sing
at Nationals.

- Vicki!

-Robert. Hi.

I heard you were back.

-Yeah. About a month.

I was wondering when
I was gonna run into you.

Not gonna lie, I didn't think
it would be at church.

Has there been some sort
of tragedy?

-Don't be ridiculous.
You know I've come here
for years.

-Mm-hmm.
-How long you gonna
be in town for?

-Well, maybe for good.

I've missed Tulsa.

-Well, it's certainly
better than Oklahoma City.

How's your wife?

-Well, I think she finally hates
me as much as she hates you.

She's staying in Oklahoma City.

-I see.

Well, it's been nice seeing you,
but there's somewhere
I have to be.

-You all right?

-Who was that?
-Just someone
I thought was dead.

-Vicki, this feels
like torture porn.

-I don't understand.
You sounded great yesterday.

-That's because I didn't think
anybody could hear me.

-We need to
get you comfortable.

What would make it less
scary for you?

-Well, I guess it would help
if I didn't have to look
at you guys.

No offense.

-OK.

Fine. So, why don't you
turn around,

face the wall?

Let's see if that helps.

-Wait a second.

-Hello.
-Vicki?

It's Mandy. Mandy Green.

-Hey, Mandy. Hi there.

I haven't heard from
or thought about you in ages.

- Well, that's so funny.

I could have sworn that
I saw you in the lobby
of our auditorium

the other day.

-In Texas? No.
That couldn't have been me.

I've been right here in Tulsa.
-How odd.

Guess I'll just have to check
the security cameras.

Anyway, I was
so thrilled to hear
we'd been paired together.

-Me too.
-And it's so good for Oklahoma.

Y'all never get the attention
you deserve.

-Well, we're certainly getting
a lot of attention this year
with our little star.

-Oh, I know.

I heard about Hayley.

What a tragedy.
I know you had
big plans for her.

-No. Our other little star.

Our new Miss Oklahoma, Samantha.

-Aww, Miss Claremore, right?

-Formerly. Yeah.

She's really something.

-Well, good for her.
I can't wait
to meet her tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?

But our first joint event
isn't until next week.

-Oh, did I forget to mention?

Brittany and I are on our way
to Tulsa right now.

About to cross the state line
any minute.

-The Oklahoma state line?
-Yep.

Little nerve wracking,
to be honest, by the border.

We loaded up on pepper spray.

But once we get past Chickasha,
things get a bit more civilized.

We were just so excited
to meet Samantha,

we figured, why wait?

I heard she's got a speaking
engagement tomorrow

so we just thought we'd come
right down and watch her
do her thing.

-That's... wonderful.

-You don't mind, do you?

- Of course not.
I can't wait for you
to meet her.

She's very special.

-Well, great.

Anyway, I better keep
my eyes on the road.

Don't wanna end up like Hayley.

All right.
I will see you tomorrow, Vicki.

-I'm really looking
forward to it.

-Vicki?

Sing!

-This was supposed to be
exclusively Miss Oklahoma.

-We should hang out sometime.
-Yes, definitely.

-So help me God, you do not
hang out with that girl.

-Have you seen Brittany?
-I think she left.

-Brittany did that?
-Maybe I should spend some
weekends with Aunt Vicki.

-I have to do this community
service thing in Tulsa.

I was wondering if I could spend
some weekends at your place.

-You wanna stay with me?
He thinks he can just

come back and immediately
get under my skin.

-You always let him.
-Why are you here?