Quantum Leap (1989–1993): Season 4, Episode 17 - Roberto! - January 27, 1982 - full transcript

In the role of a "Geraldo" type journalist, Sam and an asthmatic woman try and uncover the truth about what is going on at a local chemical plant.

Theorizing that one could time travel
within his own lifetime,

Dr. Sam Beckett stepped
into the Quantum Leap accelerator...

and vanished.

He awoke to find himself
trapped in the past,

facing mirror images
that were not his own...

and driven by an unknown force
to change history for the better.

His only guide on this journey is Al,
an observer from his own time,

who appears in the form of a hologram
that only Sam can see and hear.

And so, Dr. Beckett finds himself
leaping from life to life,

striving to put right
what once went wrong...

and hoping each time
that his next leap...

will be the leap home.

motorcycle bums.

Thanks. Thanks.
Thank you. Thanks.

Hey, Roberto!
What about the First Amendment?

- Yeah!
- "Congress shall make no act...

"respecting the establishment
of religion...

"and prohibiting
the free exercise thereof."

Hey, that doesn't include animal
sacrifices, and you know it.

Tell him!

Oh, come on.
You know what I'm talking about.

- Tell him!
- Don't you push me now.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Stop it. Stop it.

Oh, boy.

Get off of me!

The little weasel.
What a little weasel.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm just a little...

- I'm just a little dazed, that's all.
- This guy... I'm gonna get him.

I'm gonna get him.
I'm gonna get him now.

- Here. Do your wrap-up.
- Yeah?

- And we'll be out of here.
- Wrap-up? Yeah.

They've had it.
They're messing with the wrong guy.

They're not gonna mess with our
kids like this... Or me or you.

- In five,
- Don't talk back to me.

- Four, three,
- I know what I'm talking about.

That's it. No, I... No, no.

- Two...
- Get out of here.

Tomorrow on, uh,

Roberto, uh,

uh, animals as, uh, friends...

We've got lawyers.
We're gonna sue. Get me?

And lovers, uh,

Sunday school teachers
for marijuana,

- Yeah!
- And, uh, uh,

finally, Dr. Laura Schlessinger
on centerfolds...

We'll be here for that one.

- Uh...
- Let go of me! Let go of me!

"Liberated females
or chauvinist slaves?"

That's tomorrow on...


And we're clear.

Hey, great show.

Thanks. Sign this for me.
It's for my daughter.



Hey, man, the switchboard's
going crazy,

and Earl wants to
see you pronto.


Hey, uh... It's that way.

Yeah, right. I was just...
just testing.

Uh, you sure you don't
want a doctor?

No, no, I'm... I'm fine.
I'm okay, really.

Thanks though.

Here's some ice for your head.

Yeah, thanks.

Good show, everybody.
Let's wrap this up.

Leaping about in time,
I've come to expect a few surprises,

but it's a little hard to prepare
for a head butt from a stranger.

I just hoped the rest of this leap
would go a little smoother.

- Hey, you okay?
- Huh?

- Great show.
- Yeah.

I suppose you'll be asking
for a raise now.

- I'm sorry?
- Or at least hazardous duty pay.

Maybe it'll leave a scar and give
you that rough, manly look...

which you so desperately desire.

Earl will probably ask you
to get hit every show now...

Maybe twice a day,
once for 6:00 and once for 11:00.

- Are-Are you talking about the news?
- News? Did I miss something?

If I had better lungs, I wouldn't have to
deal with you. Go away. You're boring me.

Oh, I think I like
this leap already.

- Al.
- "I'll" what?

I'll... I'll be leaving you
alone now, okay?

"Al be leaving you alone now."

What happened?
What'd you do to your head?

I, uh... I, uh...

What'd you do to your head?

I got head butted by the führer.


What do you mean,
you got head butted by the führer?

It's a long story.
What have you got?


All right.

It's 1982.

Your name is "Ruberto"...
Roberto Gutierrez,

and you're working for KDNM-TV...

in Destiny, New Mexico.

Oh, you must be a local
sort of version of Geraldo.

Good. Great. Just great.

Uh, well, in the last six months,

your ratings have been going up,
but in the past,

your smart mouth has always been
a sort of "career-limiting asset."

What are you telling me?
I get fired a lot? Is that it?

Yeah. Bingo.

But now it's starting to pay off and
you're gonna go up to the big time.

- So all I have to do then is just...
- Is stay a smart mouth, be a wise guy,

be a big, fat pain in the...

- I get it, okay?
- Yeah.

I'm not that kind of person though.
That's not my natural way.

It's okay. You just read my
lips, you'll be fine.

Now there's a man
who can take a shot.


- How's the bean? Still in one piece?
- Okay. Yeah.

Good, huh? Hey... Hey, maybe you could
do it again tomorrow. That'd be killer.

This is Earl Skipper. He's the
station manager and the news director.

We should capitalize
on this thing...

You know,
play it for all it's worth.

Maybe we could even build
a few shows around it, huh?

I'll tell you what.
Why don't you lie down in the parking lot,

and I'll accidentally
back over you with my car?

Probably, we can get a
whole week out of that.

I like it.

Roberto would never let her get
away with that. Try this...

"What's the matter? Did you fall
off your broomstick this morning? '"

What's the matter? Did you fall
off your broomstick this morning?

Kids, kids, kids, behave...
or no dinner. Now, let me see here.

This is Jani Eisenberg.

She's an investigative reporter.
She was a big hotshot in Chicago,

but then she moved out here to
New Mexico because of her health.

- She's got asthma.
- Now what have you got coming up...

that we can shove up
against this head butt thing...

- and really make it roll, huh?
- Uh, coming up?

- Yeah, as in "next."
- Jani, go to your room.

He wants to know if you got
any ideas for upcoming shows.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I got this idea...
- Tell him you got one about Elvis,

- or one about the supernatural...
- for an Elvis show...

- One about sex. That always sells.
- About, uh... Ooh.

Oh, yeah. Women who claim
to have slept with Elvis's ghost.

- Oh! I love it. Save it for sweeps.
- And the Kennedys.

I've got a Kennedy story
about, uh...

Elizabeth Taylor robbing the cradle.
And the mob.

Oh, uh, this guy claims that
he's J.F.K.'s evil twin,


Only he just escaped
from the sanitarium...

- where he's been his whole life.
- Oh, I love it. What else?

- Yeah, I'd like to see that one too.
- Uh...

Women who try too hard?

Maybe you can get one
of them to punch you.

I'm just kiddin'.

No, no. We'll go with what's scheduled,
and we'll do a follow-up next week.

- It'll be great.
- Let's hope the world...

- can hold its breath that long.
- Stay on her, Sam.

And what earthshaking story
are you working on?

Gas stations that promise full service
but don't deliver.

Now there's
a national emergency.

Get me the president!

Fifty bucks says you
couldn't do a serious

and hard-hitting story if
your life depended on it.

Double it.

A hundred says I can
do any story you can.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Jani Eisenberg.

One moment.
Yoo-hoo. Your story's on the phone.

The bet's $100,
and I don't take checks.

I was headin' for Blue Rock,
cuttin' past Whisperin' Pine Lakes...

- when I saw them.
- Uh, "them"?

The aliens.

- Oh, boy.
- I couldn't see the mother ship,

but I figured she was "hoovering"
somewhere nearby.

What, uh, time would you say
that this was, Mr. Norton?

It was about, uh,
20 minutes after I left Mac's Bar...

- uh, around 2:30.
- Oh, brother.

I'm not kiddin;
There were about a dozen of 'em.

They were yellow, one big eye...

and big "blobby" arms and legs.

And what were they doing?

Uh, they were just, uh,
milling around.

I don't know. I didn't stick
around long enough to find out.

I wanna keep my organs.

Serious and hard-hitting,

I know I was drinkin', but...

I know what I saw.

- All right. Uh, thank you.
- Sam?

Sam. It's unbelievable,
but this is it.

- What?
- This is home.

- What?
- Well, see, 30 miles...

over that way... you can't see it
from here... that's where we built...

Project Quantum Leap.

Of course, it won't be there for
another seven years, but it is...

I mean, if I push this, I go...
That's where I go.

It's there now, but it's not
there for another seven years.

So you're there on the other side...

Come on, Roberto.

Let's see. What should I buy
with $100?


No. Something more personal.

How about lingerie? I'll help.

Maybe a nice bottle of wine.

Yeah, a real expensive one.

Perhaps a French Bordeaux.

You can afford that, can't you?

Uh, I was just wondering if
imported French wine goes with crow.

Get in the car.

Who eats crow?
Oh, she's gonna eat crow.

That's a good one, Sam.

Yeah. Wine goes with crow.

I'll catch up with you later.

We have continued support
from our regular customers,

and with the addition
of these government contracts,

we expect income to increase
by over 15% next year.

Ooh. Which is good news
for everyone who owns stock...

- with Saxton Fertilizer and Pesticides.
- Yes, indeed.

And it's good for people here,
because it means more jobs.

Mmm. Something that's
always welcome.

And now, let's take a look
at the rest of the plant.


Can I get you some water
or something?

- Are you all right?
- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, here. I'll get that.
Everything's going.

You wanna get that for her?

Here you go.
Thank you.

- You don't want to lose this.
- Not if I want to keep breathing.

What did you do to your hand?
I, uh...

Oh, we had a little fire last night,

and Rick grabbed a hot fire
extinguisher and put it out.

- I didn't hear anything about a fire.
- Like I said, a little fire.

Now if you'll follow me,
I'll show you the rest of the plant.

Down this way.

Your company does employ a
huge percentage of the community.

I'm wondering if you'll be doing
any more hiring in the near future.

- Well, we certainly plan to.
- I'll be right with you.

- What's the bad news?
- The...

Well, I hope this leap is over quickly.
Her attitude is starting to rub off on you.


- In two days...
- Yeah?

Jani drives her car off a cliff,
and she dies.

What happened, Al?

I mean, was she murdered?
Was somebody charged, or what?

No. Nope. Nope.

- Suicide?
- Uh, no.

She had too much going for her,
at least, from all we know.

Well, what did the police reports say?

Uh, well, they said that she
was tired from working late,

and then apparently she must have
fallen asleep for a moment at the wheel,

and then... zoom.


Does Ziggy know what she was
working on at the time?

Well, let's see. The last things
that she did that were aired...

were a story on where to get summer
vegetables in the wintertime,

and another one about, uh,

gas stations that don't deliver.

- Serious and hard-hitting. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, but now this is weird.
- Hmm?

Apparently, right after
the accident,

Roberto quit the show and he
dropped out of TV completely.

No, no, no.
I know what you're saying.

I don't think that Roberto killed Jani.

Besides, if he did, I won't,

so I'll be out of here in no time.

Yeah, but it's still...
It's a weird coincidence.

It's not a coincidence. It's gotta be
related somehow, but it's not like that.


- What?
- What are you lookin' at?

Huh? Oh, nothin'.

- I don't know.
- Anyway,

in the meantime, the best thing
I can do is just stick tight.

- And don't let her drive.
- That goes without saying.

- Yeah.
- Roberto?

Don't forget your 4:00 show.

Chauvinist slave or liberated woman?

Joining us today we have
noted psychologist...

Dr. Laura Schlessinger,

Dawn Bartlett,

Charlene Lisles, and...


Dawn and Charlene are juniors
at the University of New Mexico.

All right!

And they were recently paid $500...

to pose for the Bohey Tool calendar.


some people would
call this exploitation.

- No!
- Let's ask Dawn what she thinks.

I thought it was fun.


- Yeah.
- Go to the doc. Ask the doc.

Okay. Dr. Schlessinger,

uh, what do you have to say
about this?

Posing for these type of pictures,
in my opinion,

diminishes all women everywhere
by perpetuating the stereotype...

That we are all long-legged bimbos.

But they have the right to make
that idiotic choice if they want to.

- Sam, back to Dawn. Ask her about...
- Uh, so, tell me...

Is it art, or are you really
just a long-legged bimbo...

like Dr. Schlessinger says?

It's definitely art.

Sam, you could be falling
into a trap here.

With these shows you don't want
everyone to be nice to each other,

because these shows
thrive on controversy.

Everybody's gotta be
rotten to each other.

So, Dr. Schlessinger. It seems to
me that Dawn and Charlene here...

are-are-are merely perpetuating...

the image that women have the
freedom to make their own choices...

and are capable of making
their own choices...

regarding their bodies.

Then why don't men do the same thing?

Sometimes policemen
and firemen calendars...

Well, policemen and firemen...
They've all made calendars.

Oh, but in general men don't, because
that's not the image they want to project.

- Well, sure it is.
- Oh, it is?


Well, why don't you try putting
your muscles where your mouth is?

Why don't you try doing the rest
of your show in your boxer shorts?

Uh, boxer shorts? I...

Unless, of course,
that's not the image you want to project.


Hold this.

Stay tuned, everybody.

We'll be back after we go
to this commercial...

with the new... and liberated...

Don't go...


Oh, killer show, man.

And you didn't even
have to get punched.

Yeah. Thanks. Thanks.

Oh, my God, Al.

I just single-handedly
destroyed this guy's career.

Here you go, ace.

What are you talking about?
You were a hit.

I've never been so humiliated
in my life.

Listen to me now.
If I ever do anything like that again,

okay, you've gotta promise
to stop me, okay?

If you see me doing
something like that,

You just say, "Sam, stop it.
Don't do that."

At last, as I've always expected,
you've gone over the edge.

- I was just...
- Talking to thin air.

And having a very
interesting conversation.

I'll bet.

- $100?
- In your dreams.

You know,
I had a dream about her last night.

Jani, line three.

Jani Eisenberg.

Oh, yes. How many are missing?

Okay, where were they last seen?

Blue Rock and Whispering Pine Lake
two nights ago?

Did you see any lights
in the sky?

Did you see any strange people
that night?

Oh, you didn't know
they were missing till dawn.

Uh, Mr. Chee,
we will get right on this.

Thank you.


There is life after exile.
Fifty sheep are missing right...

Right where Red Norton
saw the aliens.

That's a pretty good
little coincidence.

I'm gonna go back and see
if Ziggy can find some more.

Do you smell that?

After five years in East
Nowhere, New Mexico,

I thought I'd forgotten
what it smells like,

but I can smell it... a real story.

...a little, uh, favor,
if you can do it for me.

Your friends came to visit me
this afternoon...

Roberto Gutierrez speaking.

Mr. Gutierrez, this is Rick
Upfield at Saxton Fertilizer.

- Yeah, Rick. How's the hand?
- Uh, fine.

Uh, Mr. Gutierrez, I was wondering if
I could speak to you for a few minutes.

- Sure.
- No, no, I mean, not now.

Could you meet me later? Uh, tonight,
say around 9:00, at the Lost Dolphin?

- Well, uh...
- I really need to speak to you.

Okay. Uh...

9:00 tonight at the Lost Dolphin.

All right, thanks.
I'll see you later.

You wanna go
to the Lost Dolphin tonight?

What happened?

Hit and run. Guy hit him as he
went across the road to the bar.

- Let's go.
- Wait a minute.

- Somebody murdered this guy.
- I know that.

I'm not walking away
from the best thing...

Shh, shh, shh.

that's happened to me
since I left Chicago.

Besides, we gotta tell the
police about the phone call.


- It doesn't matter. Now come on.
- What...

It must have been knocked free
when he got...

We definitely have to give this
to the police.

Now, will you listen to me?

If we give it to 'em,
they will never get anywhere with it.

Believe me, I know.

Now we don't have time.
We gotta solve this ourselves.

What with the new government contracts,
we expect...

to have an increase of income
of over 15% next year.


Why don't you go home?

And let you win 100 bucks? Uh-uh.

Is that why you got on TV?
For the money?

No, hardly.

When I first started,
I had very altruistic motives.

I wanted fame, glory and power.

Unfortunately, uh,

somebody forgot to tell my asthma.

I had really big dreams.

The network, my own show...

I was gonna crack the biggest
stories that have ever been cracked.

But it's... It's kind of hard
to compete with the big boys...

when you can't even live
in their cities.

You got a big story now.

Which is at a complete dead end.

- Well, what about you?
- Hmm?

Why did you get into this business?

Oh, I kind of just leaped into it
by accident.

I sort of like it now.

I never really thought much
about why, you know...

I guess I kind of see myself as...

a champion of underdogs everywhere.

I like that.

We have continued support
from our regular customers...

and, uh, what with the, uh,

new government contracts,
we expect to have an increase...

- Look.
- What?


He's not wearing it,
and neither is...

- Neither is anybody else.
- So either they just got them, or...

This is for another section of the plant,
something we didn't see.

Okay, so,
first thing tomorrow morning...

No, no, no, no. Tonight.
We gotta go tonight. Tonight.

All right, tonight. Tonight.

Yeah, Hank is the foreman.
He's, uh, down there.

Wait a second.
Give me your earring.

Take the other one off.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me. Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi. I'm Roberto Gutierrez.
- Yeah... I've seen you a lot.

- This is Jani Eisenberg.
- Hi there.

Jani Eisenberg, sure.
I know you.

We were in here filming the other
day, and Jani lost an earring.

Can you believe it?

We were in the neighborhood and we
thought, what the heck.

Yeah. It looks like this.

You know, if you lost it
in here, it's gone.

Well, you know, we just thought
we'd just give it a shot.

- Yeah.
- Sure.

But-But-But you can't go
wandering around here.

Oh, well, we won't be wandering. No.

No, we know exactly where to look from
when we got shown around by Mr. Saxton.

- He said it'd be okay.
- Mr. Saxton?

Yeah, call him, if you like.

Nah. Go ahead. Good luck to you.

- Thank you.
- Okay, thanks.

Hey, Roberto.

Why don't you take the cart?
It'll be faster.

- Oh, thank you.
- Great.

"Call him if you like"?

Would you call the
president of the company

at 3:00 in the morning
about an earring?

- Not if I liked my job.
- Thanks.

What, exactly, are we looking for?

- Technically?
- Technically.

- Uh...
- That's a good question.

I don't know.

I-I'm, uh, looking for something that
might conceal a door or something.

You know? I mean...

- Oh.
- If we find a...

that should be easy to find.

You got the key. Don't put it
in your pocket. That's the key.

You look for a door
that's got a slot next to it.

This is a key?

- Yeah.
- That's a key?

Just like the beginning of the
Quantum Leap Project, remember?

This credit card thing...
You stick it in a slot, it opens a door.

Before we had those
electronic implants.

- Remember, Sam?
- It's kind of like a credit card thing.

You stick it in a door and,
you know, you got a slot...

- That's it.
- And it opens.

Does it send you a bill
at the end of the month?

Yeah. Uh, now,
I'm gonna get Ziggy to run...

a spatial-comparison analysis...

of the exterior and the
interior of this place,

At least we got a key.

And if there's anything hidden in here,
we're gonna find it.

A key. Hmm.

You know, if we had those glasses you
can get in the back of comic books,

we could look through these walls
with our X-ray vision.

I could never get mine to work.

That's because all the girls' dresses
were specially treated.

Dead end.

Sam. Jackpot. Jackpot.

- Let's try that room back there, huh?
- Yes, bwana.

Come on.

There it is. There's the lock, right there.
Only, it's not one of these.

It's one of these. You put it in
and you slip it down like that.


Yo, hold up. We got a couple
of unauthorized visitors here.

- We gotta find 'em.
- Let's go.

Mr. Saxton wants 'em picked up
and picked up quick. Let's move.

- They what I think they are?
- Aliens...

Aliens that collect sheep.
Dead sheep.

They're doing germ warfare here,
right under our noses.

- Yeah, it could be chemical warfare.
- Or chemical warfare.

Red Norton didn't see aliens
the other night.

He saw men in protective suits picking
up dead sheep... Harry Chee's sheep.

And they killed them.

They had a serious accident here.

Whatever they were working on,
some of it must've gotten out.

They killed Rick to cover it up.

This place is a perfect
cover for a lab.

You know that a lot of the substances
used to make pharmaceuticals...

and fertilizers and pesticides
can be made into chemical weapons.

Oh, that's like that pharmaceutical
place in 1988 in Libya.

Everybody knew
it was mustard gas.

Yeah, or what about that
sheep kill in Utah in 1968?

- Yeah, let's not forget that one.
- Uh... Uh... Uh...

The army was involved with it.

They found out later on
that they, like, used nerve gas, right?

Forty-five miles away from it,
and-and that they were involved.

Now, they never admitted
any wrongdoing,

but they ended up paying
hundreds of thousands of dollars...

- They had to pay the ranchers off.
- Yeah, to the ranchers.

Good old sneaky Uncle Sam.
- Yeah.

- Ooh!
- What?

Good old sneaky Uncle Sam.

That's what I couldn't
put my finger on before.

It's the eyes.
It's the haircut, the bearing...

A lot of the guys in this
place are "militaryitis."


And someone is following us.

Found it.
Found 'em.

I'm sure Mr. Saxton
will be very pleased.

Yeah, he's gonna be happy
to pick out his own cell too.

Yeah, well, listen.
Thanks a million, okay?

Uh, tell Mr. Saxton hello
when you see him.

- That's okay.
- Thank you.

Thank you. They were a gift, you see,
and I just really wanted to find 'em.

- Thank you very much. Thank you.
- You're army, aren't you?

Sam, you're up against
some serious juice here.

I'm gonna go jump-start Ziggy.

Do you feel like taking on
the government?

I got nothin' better to do
this week.

Oh, Earl's gonna love this.

No, no, no, no.
Nerve gas, secret government labs...

Give me a break.

- Earl, we're not kidding. We saw it.
- Look, just give us a camera, okay?

We'll go down there,
and we can prove it.

I've known Ed Saxton for 10 years.
His company's done a lot for this town.

I just don't believe it.

When he was here the other day,

he asked you to not report
on the fire, didn't he?

Earl, they killed Rick,

and the next time they have a leak, it
might not be sheep they kill, but people.

...Jani Eisenberg and Roberto
Gutierrez for Good Morning, Destiny,

live at the Saxton Fertilizer
and Pesticide plant.

Three nights ago,
over 50 sheep were killed by...

Excuse me.
Can I help you?

Sam, there is something here,
but we don't have the details yet.

Mr. Saxton, it is true, is it not,

that you are conducting secret nerve
gas and chemical warfare research...

in a hidden lab here at the plant?

No, it is not true.

I wish it were.

I understand the government
pays very well for that stuff.

Then how do you explain
this electronic key pass...

that opens a secret door
inside this room?

A door which is in the back of
this innocent-looking storage room.

Sam? Look. They changed
the lock on the damn thing.

I know it's the same door,
but they changed the...

I'm a dead man.

Does that look like
a secret lab to you?

Uh, no. What it looks like...

is that they've constructed
a fake wall,

which conceals the tunnel
which leads to the secret lab.

Oh, really?

Doesn't sound fake to me.

Pull the plug.

Pull the plug! Pull the plug.

Sam, you stall.
I'm gonna check on this wall.

Okay, now, I know that this...

- doesn't sound like a fake wall,
- Sam, it's still here!

They've got this
elaborate fake wall.

But, uh, if you, uh...

There's six feet of dirt back here,

but then you're in.

If you could walk through this wall,
you would see...

- Yeah.
- The tunnel on the other side.

And, well...

Save it, Ernesto.
Earl pulled the plug.

No. All we have to do is dig
through the tunnel and we'll find...

It's too late.

- I think you owe me an apology.
- Oh, you do, do you?

- Oh, yes.
- Well, I'm sorry, but...

But what?

- I'd be happy to make it up to you.
- What?

Look. You were right and I was wrong,

and since I started this whole thing,
I think it would only be fair...

if I were to invite you
onto my show...

tomorrow, if you're free...
and I would apologize publicly.

- No, that won't be necessary.
- No, no, no, but it is necessary.

And besides, it would be
good publicity for you guys...

and-and-and great ratings for me.

In fact, we could call it, uh,

"What happens
when reporters are wrong."

Roberto, have you gone crazy?

We saw the room,

and this was the key
that opened the door.

That's our new I.D. badges.
We just started using them.

And I believe that
belongs to me.

No, actually, it belongs to the police.

We, uh, found this...

where Rick was killed,
and since...

That's evidence in
an ongoing investigation.

It's evidence in an ongoing investigation,

and I think we'll just
turn it in to them.

Good idea.

In fact, I'd like to offer a reward...

for any information leading to the
arrest of the driver that killed Rick.

Well, that's very nice.
You could do it on my show.

Well, I'll have to think about that.

Why don't you call me in the morning?

Oh, and, uh,

please, close the door after you.

You're letting him get away?

I'm just trying to buy us a little time,
and I would appreciate some cooperation.

Why do I suddenly feel like
I'm a step behind you?

I never used to feel that way.

- Well, I don't know. I...
- Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?

That's what you get
working with a genius.


Uh-oh? Is this your "Uh-oh, things are
getting worse," or is this your "Uh-oh,

now I've changed history,
and things are really gonna get horrible"?

Which "Uh-oh" is this?

This is the "Uh-oh" that
she doesn't die anymore...

from driving the car
off a cliff.

She dies from an acute asthma
attack tomorrow morning, uh-oh.

Well, that just about wraps up
our show today...

on friends of fruits and veggies,

So join us tomorrow...

here on Roberto.

Till then, have a nice day.

And we are out.

- Funny show, Sam.
- Ha, ha, ha.

Okay, it isn't funny.
I realize it isn't funny.

Look. I wanna nail these guys
just as bad as you do,

but Ziggy says that it...

It's never gonna happen,
because in the first place,

you're gonna have to have an
iron-clad search warrant...

I am going to lunch.

Iron-clad search warrant
before you can get into that joint again,

and without any
corroborating evidence,

you're never gonna get
the search warrant.

So this investigation
is going nowhere.

Maybe not.

You're trying to get
into a payroll company?

Yeah. We gotta solve this
ourselves, remember?

Besides, they do work
for Saxton.

Yeah, but they're not gonna
lead you to anything.

How do you know?

Because top-secret projects have
their own secure computer networks.

Oh, that's right.
You used to work for a couple of those.

Yeah, I remember now
from your résumé.

Then you won't mind giving me a shot.
Scoot over.

All right, the search
for corroborative evidence begins.

- Hey, I thought you couldn't type.
- It's been a while.

- Sam, Ziggy has tried every conceivable...
- Feed me, Ziggy.


All right. Prime 37, enter.

Uh, V-F 262222, doc.

Five, niner, drive, drive, drive, enter.

"G," enter. "T," back slash.
Second password, "betelgeuse."

I'm gonna go get some coffee.

- "Toaster," enter.
- You want some?

Space., enter.

- Try not to miss me.
- Uh, tilde.

Zero, enter.

Uh, star code, enter.

Uh, Delaware, 77, back slash, 7.

Come on, come on, come on.

Give it up, Roberto.

You've already done it
100 times.

- We'll do it again tomorrow.
- We don't have until tomorrow.

You know, you have
a delightful personality.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I'm just...

I'm tired and frustrated and...

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Sam, you're in.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Whoa, whoa. It's moving too fast.
Stop it.

Mr. Saxton?

- We have a hacker on the computer line.
- Do we know who they are?

It's coming from the TV station.
We're zeroing in now.

It's that girl, Eisenberg,

and Roberto what's-his-name.

They'll have to be taken care of.

- Consider it done.
- Uh, Hank?

Just the girl.

If they both have accidents,

even the dimwitted cops in
this town will get suspicious,

and he's just a two-bit blowhard
in over his head.

After she's gone,
a few words and a few dollars,

and he'll slink away
out of sight forever.

The girl is the real danger.

You can't bargain with that type.

Now, for her, you're gonna have to
do something that's particularly...


"Hydrochloric thiodiglycol.

Methyl isocyanate."

Variations of Methyl isocyanate.

Methyl isocyanate?
Methyl isocyanate.

Oh, God. If I'd stayed in Chicago,
at least I'd have a shot at an Emmy.

God. How do you feel?

Fine. Can't you tell?

Methyl isocyanate is used
to make pesticides.

If you inhale it, it immediately
constricts your nasal...

and bronchial passages
as well as your larynx.

It's like having
a severe asthma attack instantly.

There's no treatment.
There's no antidote.

Too much and it's fatal,

and they're working on a derivative
that's 10 times worse than that.

- Go turn on the printer.
- Oh. Yeah.

Uh-oh. Ball game.

- They know?
- They know?


What do we do now?


we try again.

It's the only way
to force Saxton's hand.

You force his hand,
he's gonna try and kill you.

Look, Jani,

if we keep doing this,
they may try to kill us too.

Let 'em try.

Sam, I'm going back
to check with Ziggy.

Mr. Saxton, it's Roberto
on line three.

Put him through.

- Hello.
- She's dead.

Dead? Who?

You know damn well who.
Jani Eisenberg.

Terrible. That's...
That's tragic.

How did it happen?

A severe asthma attack,
as if you didn't know.

- I-I didn't know people could die...
- How'd you do it?

"Do it"?

How'd you kill her?
How'd you do it?

Is that gonna be
the theme of your show today?

You're damn right it is.

If you go on the air with that
charge, I'll sue you...

the station and everybody
connected with that show.

And I'll win, because there's
no way in hell...

you can prove I induced an asthma
attack, and you know it.

- You're probably right.
- Well.

That's the first reasonable thing
you've said this morning.

Now, I...
I'd like to, uh,

set up a scholarship fund
in Miss Eisenberg's memory.

I'll have a check cut
this morning for, say,


uh, in your name...
as trustee.

I'll accept on one condition.

- I'm listening.
- You agree to do my show.

- No.
- Not even if I apologize?

Not even if I admit that I was
wrong about you and your plant?

Why would you do that?

To make that scholarship $100,000.

I... I knew I had you figured.

Yeah, I guess you were... right.

Welcome today
to our special edition of Roberto.

"What happens when reporters
are wrong?"

This show should be
particularly interesting,

because I'm the reporter.

But before we begin,

I'd like to take a moment to pay
tribute to my colleague Jani Eisenberg,

who passed away suddenly this morning
from a severe asthma attack.

Oh, no.

Jani was a wonderful person...

and a great reporter,
and we will all miss her dearly.

And now, if you'll join me
in welcoming Mr. Ed Saxton,

president of Saxton Fertilizers
and Pesticides.

Just yesterday morning,
I accused Mr. Saxton on live TV...

of running a secret chemical
warfare lab at his plant,

and I would like
to apologize for that.

Don't mention it.

In fact, I said that you'd had a leak
earlier in the week from that same lab,

which had resulted in the death
of several sheep.

- But you were wrong.
- I had no proof.

All I had was a blank wall,
and my word against yours.

That's right.

In fact, even if I had wanted
to obtain a search warrant...

to see what was behind
that wall,

I would have needed more than the
testimony of reliable witnesses...

such as myself or Jani Eisenberg.

I would have needed
some corroborating evidence...

something, say, like this.

Now, Mr. Saxton, hypothetically,
let's just say that you did have...

a secret chemical warfare lab
at your plant.

Wouldn't it be easy for you to put
some secret chemical in this?

And then slip it to someone
who was using this...

As an inhaler for their asthma...

someone who was trying
to expose your secrets,

someone like Jani Eisenberg.

That doesn't prove anything.

She's dead.

Is that her?

Just think...
If there were some...

secret chemical in here,
one squirt,

and, uh, a person could die.

You idiot!

All right, just take it easy.
Take it easy.

There's nothing in this one.
I bought this at the store this morning.

But you deserved it, you weasel.

But the one you did poison...

the one you planted
on Jani Eisenberg last night...

that one is in the hands of the
Destiny County Sheriff s Department.

Yesterday I needed proof.

Today I just got it.

It is my extreme pleasure
to hand you this search warrant.

This is outrageous.
I won't stay here another minute.

Get him!

Sam, that does it.

Saxton is indicted and convicted
for murder and attempted murder,

so get ready to leap.

Hell of a show, Roberto.
Hell of a show. Now do the wrap-up.

The wr... The wrap-up. Okay.

Okay, folks, tomorrow on Roberto,

we've got a man who says
he's lost...

a thousand pounds of fat.

We've got a woman who claims that she
hears old radio stations through her teeth.

And finally, a personal story about
the time I was kidnapped by aliens...

and held in an all-white room.

That's tomorrow on...


And we are O-U-T, out!
All right.

Great show, buddy.
Great show.


- I owe you 100 bucks.
- Nah.

Tell you what.

Why don't I just buy you a
nice bottle of champagne?


Oh, boy.