Quantum Leap (1989–1993): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Play's the Thing - September 9, 1969 - full transcript

Sam leaps into the body of Joe Furlow, a stage actor who is living in New York City with the widowed - and somewhat older - Jane Lindhurst. Joe is an actor and a peace activist who encourages Jane to pursue her singing career over the objections of her adult son Neil who wants her to return to Cleveland. Al tells Sam that in two days time, Jane will in fact return home and live out a lonely existence. Sam realizes that Jane's music is the key to her happiness and her eventual success as a singer will determine her future life. Sam's first attempt at getting her to realize her potential ends disastrously but an unexpected opportunity provides both Joe and Jane with a great future.

Theorizing that one could time travel
within his own lifetime,

Dr. Sam Beckett stepped
into the Quantum Leap accelerator...

and vanished.

He awoke to find himself
trapped in the past,

facing mirror images
that were not his own...

and driven by an unknown force
to change history for the better.

His only guide on this journey is Al,
an observer from his own time,

who appears in the form of a hologram
that only Sam can see and hear.

And so, Dr. Beckett finds himself
leaping from life to life,

striving to put right
what once went wrong...

and hoping each time
that his next leap...

will be the leap home.

Quantum leaping through time,
I've leaped into an electric chair,

gunfights, and a variety ofhandcuffs.

It looks like I finally
rated a cushy time.

Thank you.


Thank you.

Good morning, tiger.

Good morning.
No, no, you gotta stop doing that.

- You want me to stop?
- No. Yes, please. Please!


My God, Mom.
What would Dad say?

Oh, boy.

I mean what would he say?

I can well imagine that
this might look a little...

Neil, your father has been
dead for three years,

and not once during that time
has he said a word.

I don't think he's gonna start now.

- Jane.
- Don't...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

We, uh, wanted to surprise you.

- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.

- A day early.
- That's very nice of you.

Uh, Joe, this is, uh,

my son Neil and his wife, Liz.

This is Joe Thurlow.
Joe is an actor.

- Hi.
- Hi.


You know,

maybe we could just meet you in the
other room in just a second or so, huh?

Oh, sure.

Come on. Come on, Neil.

I told you we should've called first.
Oh, I feel so embarrassed.

Don't say it.

Say what?

That Neil looks
a little older than 19.

Actually, no, he looks
a lot more like 30.

That's because he is 30.


Either you're incredibly polite,
or you don't know how to subtract.

I'm not gonna be 40.
I'm gonna be 50...

and a grandmother.

I hate birthdays.

I hate surprises.

Come on.
You don't look a day over...


I don't understand it.

You're a woman.
Why don't you ask her?

I am not going to ask her.
You ask her.

Ask me what?

Uh, how you like New York
compared to Cleveland?

I'm having the time of my life.

I'm singing for the first time
in years and it feels great.

- That's my tape playing.
- That's you?

- Mm-hmm.
- Neil, she's fabulous.

Well, Joe thinks I have
a great career ahead of me.

Yeah. Well, so do I.
I mean, I-I do. I do.

Uh, what's this?

Oh, Joe took me on my first
peace march last week.

Peace march, singing career.

What's next? I mean, am I gonna have to
start calling him "Dad," or something?

Joe is just a friend.

I'm sorry, Mom,
but it all looks so...

- Oh, never mind. Never mind.
- So, you're pregnant.

- Yeah.
- Oh, I got some things for the baby.

Oh, that's so sweet of you.

They're in the other room.
I'll go get them.

Oh, here. No, let me...
let me go get...

Let me.

- Joe, uh,
- Mm-hmm?

Why don't you stay
and chat with Neil?

Yes, let's chat.

These are beautiful.
Thank you so much.

And this is for you.

Oh, goody.


Thank you.

By the way, all the folks back
home said to send you their love.

Everybody misses you,
Jane, and especially us.

I miss you too.

And even though you've made
a lot of new friends here,

there's no friends like...

like old friends at home.

Liz, what are you trying to say?

Well, just that it must be nice to have
someone so young paying attention to you.

Oh, Joe is the best thing that's
happened to me in a long, long time.

Please, be happy for me.
Oh, I want to, Jane.

- I really do, but...
- But what?

Well, it's just that I always pictured you
with someone who's old enough to vote.

What did you do
before you were an actor?

- Uh, this and that.
- Hmm.

- Did you go to school?
- Huh? Oh, yeah. Oh, you bet I did.

- How was your trip out?
- Which school did you go to?

Which school did I go to?
I went to, uh...

I went to a lot of different schools.

First time in New York?

You have graduated from high
school, haven't you?

Yes, he did. And for the record,

he's 25 and has voted in every
presidential election since, uh...

- Uh, Ford and Carter.
- Who are they?

Nixon and McGovern.
I don't know what I was...

- Uh, darling.
- Hmm?

Nixon ran against
Hubert Humphrey last year.

You've been voting since
the Johnson-Goldwater election.

Right. I voted for
Johnson and Goldwater.

You know, I am tired.

Why don't we go back
to the hotel and freshen up?

We're staying at the Hampstead.

And tonight we'd like to
take you someplace special.

- Uh...
- Your choice.

We want your 50th birthday
to be one you won't forget.

- Oh, boy.
- Mm-hmm, you can say that again.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Bye.
- Thanks again.

A singing career.
Of course she fell for him.

Maybe he just likes her voice.
It is possible, you know.

Yes. Yes. So is my dancing Swan Lake
in a tutu, but highly unlikely.

And did you see that
outfit she had on?

She's in love and
you're jealous.

Jealous? Jealous?
Liz, he's five years younger than me.

What could he
possibly see in her?

Neil, your mother is
a wonderful woman.

She lied to me.
They're shacking up.

She's lost it.
I swear, she's lost it.

They think I've lost it.

Oh, I didn't get that really.

I really wasn't much help, was I?

Oh, Joe, I'm sorry I didn't tell them
that you were living here.

I know how bad you want to get married
and get this all out in the open,

but, well, maybe it's
just not the right time.


The kids need more time to get
to know you better, you know?

Well, that's fine. They can get to
know me tonight at your birthday party.

Birthday party, my foot.
They want me to come back to Cleveland.

Is that what Liz told you?

Well, not in so many words,
but I know it's true.

They think I'm too old
to start singing.

And worse, they think
I'm too old to be in love.

Uh-oh. Look at the time.
You better hurry.

- Huh?
- There's your script.


- My Danish prince.
- "H-Hamlet."

I'm so proud of you. The lead
in your first New York production.

In front of people?

Well, okay, so there were only
80 people the opening week,

but even Laurence Olivier
had to start somewhere.

Oh, boy. Yeah. Hmm.

To be or...

not to be...

- that is the question.
- No!

No, no, no.


you're not breathing.

Feeling, smelling.

- Smelling?
- Everybody, listen and learn.

Sensory acting.

This is... Denmark, 1500.

Deception is in the air.

Everything is...
Damp, musty, frigid.

That sounds like my third wife, or was it
my second or fourth... most of my wives.


Can you smell
those Danish fjords, Joe?

To be, or not... to be.
That is the question.

And the answer is this guy
should be in a straightjacket.

What's so funny?

I was just kind of...

Smelling Hamlet's insanity.

I thought so. Yes, that's right.
Do it. Now use the words.

Ah, whether it is nobler in the mind...

To suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune.

- Go with it.
- Or to take arms against a...

Sea of troubles,
and by opposing end them.

To die. To sleep no more.

That was absolutely marvelous!

Oh Joe, if only you'd smelled
like that last week.

But that's the past.
This is the present. We must go on.

And if we all work
very, very, very hard,

tomorrow night
we just might have a chance.

Take five.

- You are so far out.
- Oh, well...

- It's really intense watching you.
- I know just what you mean.

I didn't know your mother was coming.

Mother? Every guy should have
a mother like that.

That is if she's your mother...
I hope she's not your mother.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Neil and Liz want to meet us for dinner
tonight at the Black Light Club, 8:00.

- So, uh, come home early, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

That-That must be Jane,

and that must be Petra.

You know, Sam,
I know Jane is attractive,

but don't you think maybe she's
a little, uh, long in the tooth for you?

- Her teeth look just great to me.
- No, no, no.

I mean, don't you think
she's more right for me?

Oh, no. No, no.

- She's much too sophisticated for you.
- She's too old for you, Sam.

Men marry younger
women all the time.

And I think it's a crummy double
standard that says that women

- can't do the same thing.
- She's too...

Why am I talkin' to you?
What am I here for?

- Jane doesn't die, does she?
- Oh, no.

- It's much worse than death.
- What?

In two days, she goes home.

Home? Do I go...
Does Joe go with her?

No. She spends the
rest of her life alone.


- Without love.
- Without love?

- In Cleveland.
- In Clev...

So I must be here to keep
Jane and Joe together, right?

I don't know. You don't know?
What do you mean?

- September 10, 1969.
- That's tomorrow.

- That's right, it is.
- Yeah.

But Joe, he doesn't go on as Hamlet.
The play gets canceled.

And there's agents in the audience
so he blows his big break.

And his life goes
downhill from there.

He becomes an extra in movies,
and he goes into real estate.

So it has to be that you're here to make
sure he goes on as Hamlet. Gotta be.

Well, what about Jane?
Does she ever sing again?

Let's see. Sing, well,
there's nothing about singing in here.

Uh, she doesn't have a great life.
But at least she's got her family.

You should hear her sing, Al.
I mean, she-she has a terrific voice.

It would be a shame. It would be a
waste if she never did anything with it.


- Oh.
- Hmm? What?

That brings back memories.

- That really brings back...
- Ex-wife?

- Yeah, my fifth. Or was it my fifth?
- Your f...

Yeah, it was the fifth.
It was the fifth.

She always had a dream of skating...


- in the roller derby.
- Roller derby?

Yeah. And it was hard watching her
build her hopes up for those tryouts,

you know, and then fail.

She never got it.
She fell on her tushy all the time.


So she tried a little ice skating,

but it wasn't the same,
it wasn't the same.

Finally we broke up.

Are you telling me that
you broke up with your fifth wife...

because she couldn't get
into the roller derby game?

No. She ran off
with a bricklayer.

I'll tell you though.
Every time I see a roller skate,

- I get all choked up.
- Al.

It just goes to show you that some dreams
are supposed to stay up in the clouds.

What are you talking about?
No, you can never give up on your dreams.

What if you build her up
and she tries and then she fails?

What if she doesn't fall on her tushy?
What if she succeeds?

You can't hit a home run
if you don't come up to the plate.

- Ziggy says there's a 91% probability...
- You told me that once...

that you're here to go on as Hamlet.

There's nothing in here
about a singing career. Nothing!

You're here to go on
as Hamlet. Okay?

- More. More!
- No.

- More!
- Not another one.

- Come on. I could listen to you all night.
- Oh, darling.

You're probably the only
person on earth who could.


Now don't get on me again about making
the rounds of agents and managers.

But your tape.

- It needs work.
- It's perfect.

Look, Jane.

If you don't believe
in your talent, nobody else is.

I mean, what's the worst
thing that anybody could say?

I sound like Tiny Tim?

Never. Now, come on.

Did I...
Did I say something wrong?


Oh, you're the only person I've ever
known who sees me for what I could be.

Nobody's ever
believed in me like you.


Well, what you did.

I mean, moving to New York
and everything. That...

That took a lot of courage.
I admire you for that.

I admire your voice.

I admire your eyes.

I am a very lucky woman.

You are pretty incredible.

So are you.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- Jane.
- Yeah?

- We've got a surprise for you.
- Hey, Janie.

- Ted?
- Jane!

It is so good to see you. Zowie!

You look, uh, different.

- I like it. I like it.
- Well, you haven't changed a bit.

Uh, Ted, I'd like you
to meet my friend, Joe Thurlow.

Joe. You know, when you left,

Cleveland lost its prettiest girl.

When you left,
Cleveland lost its biggest liar.

No, no, no.
I'm telling you the truth.

How could you leave, Jane?

I'm sure you haven't been lonely.

- I've been very lonely.
- So, Ted.

What business are you in?

Uh, oh, I, uh...
I run a little, uh, textiles operation.

Little? Ted's company
employs 2,000 people.

My biggest customer is the U.S. Army.

And, boy, do they run through
uniforms in Vietnam, I can tell you.

You sound like that's a good thing.

Watch out, Ted.
Joe's one of the war protesters.

Ah, so, uh, you're anti-American.

No. Actually,
I'm just the opposite.

I just think that this war is gonna cost
us in more ways than you could imagine.

Now, look, you two, please.

You hippies think you have so
much to say about what's right.

Why can't you just
keep your mouth shut?

Freedom of speech is
my fundamental right.

Yeah. Well, men lost their lives
defending that right.

And a lot more are gonna
lose their lives needlessly.

You know, you're a coward.

- What is your draft status, anyway?
- Oh, what do you know?

Joe, they're playing our song.

Excuse us, Ted.

- My Cherie is our song?
- It is now.

- Punk.
- Our plan's not working.

Uh, just give it some time.

Why do you two have to be so sneaky?
Neil, just ask her to come home.

And, Ted, just ask her to marry you.

What? Tell the truth?

Darling, I know you feel
she'd be safer in Cleveland, but...

maybe she's really found love.

- She thinks she's found love.
- Take it from me.

This relationship is doomed.

A 25-year spread in age
is just too much to overcome.

Joe is bound to get tired of her.

And when he does, I'll be there.

Excuse me.

May I cut in, young man?

Joe. What a coincidence
running into you here.

Yeah. Hi.

Wow, Nehru jackets are so sexy.

Yeah. Well, I'll, uh,
I'll see you tomorrow.

You know, I remember
when you could dance to music.

You still can.

Yeah, well, maybe you can.
And your friend.

Speaking of which, uh,
doesn't he strike you as a little, uh...


Well, uh, now that you mention it.

Don't you think you'd be happier
with somebody a little more, uh, mature,

debonair, charming?

- Oh, you mean like you?
- You flatter me. Thank you.

I'm happy with Joe.

I'm happy that you're happy.

So, I guess we're, uh...
we're all happy.

Neil tells me that you've
got a singing career going.

I know how tough that must be
to get something like that started.

Especially, uh...

You mean, in the over-40 crowd?

A lot of people
get started late in life.

I'm not gonna turn 50
and act like an old grandmother,

even though that is
what I'm about to become.

Old? No, no, no, not you. Come on.

Hey, you know,
I have a brainstorm.

Why don't you come back to Cleveland
and sing? People love you there.

People love me here.

You must think your
mother's lost her mind,

coming to New York to
become a singer, right?

- I wouldn't say that.
- Why would you say that?

Look. Why don't we, uh...

Why don't we all be honest here.

You came to bring your mother
back to Cleveland, right?

Jane is a terrific singer.
She deserves to have a chance at success.

Most women her age
take up watercolors.

Most women don't have her voice.

Look, we just don't want
to see her disappointed.

Or hurt.

You know, at her age,
she might not get over it.

What she might not get over is knowing
whether she could've made it or not,

because you wouldn't
let her try.

Look, I've been listening to her
sing around the house my whole life.

I love her, but she is nothing special.

All right. I'll tell you what.

If I can prove to you
that she has talent,

that she's special,

will you go back
to Cleveland, alone?

- No. I don't know. That's...
- You're on.

- Liz?
- Look, we're not being objective.

I mean, your mother thought you
were too messy to be an accountant.

Didn't even think you'd
pass the C.P.A. exam.

Well, she was wrong.
I showed her.

Yeah. Now it's her turn.
Let her show you.

We accept your challenge.

Right, Neil?

I... All right.

Joe? Where's he going?

Sure, man. Thanks.
I-I really appreciate it.

What's going on?

I just talked to the band leader
and asked him if you could sing.

And he's all for it.

They know The Look
of Love It's all set.

- I can't.
- What?

You just sang for me and you were terrific!
Now, come on.

For me.

- Okay. Let me put on some lipstick.
- Mom, don't do this to yourself.

Look around.
This is not your living room.

It's all right.

The Black Light Club
introduces a fab new singer.

Everybody, let's give it up
for Jane Lindhurst!

Start singing.

Oh, no.

This is even more
embarrassing than I thought.

I-I can't.

What's wrong?
Come on, mellow out.

Gee, she's really upset.

I'm sorry. I, uh...

I feel like such a fool.

It's my fault. I should've
given you more time.

Oh, give me a hundred years.
I still wouldn't have been ready.

Look, I don't believe that. An hour ago
you felt really great about singing.

It's one thing singing for somebody
you know, you, the kids.

But this is New York.

Neil's right.

Why am I putting
myself through this?

Because it's something you want.

It's okay to want something for yourself.
It's okay to want success.

It's even okay for Neil
to be wrong about you.

Neil only wants
what's right for her, Joe.

Neil wants what's best for Neil.

You're saying her son wants to hurt her?

No. I'm just saying he only wants her
to do what makes him comfortable.

Listen to me. Neil has got to let go.

He's gotta let you
live your own life.

And you've gotta help him,
'cause he's never gonna do it by himself.

Boyfriends come and go, Joe.

But her son will
always be there for her.

Ted's right.

I-I can't cut Neil out of my life.

I didn't say that.
I just don't think that he should con...

Sorry, I-I didn't mean
to cause a problem.


Love's a funny thing, huh?

- Makes you do strange things.
- Oh, hell, Al. It's not Neil's fault.

- He thinks he's doing the right thing.
- What do you think?

I... I don't know.

You've known her for one day.
Neil has known her his entire life.

And you push her too hard, and she's
gonna wish she'd never even known you.

Well, I may not have the answer, Al,
but that doesn't mean that Neil does.

- You shouldn't even be here.
- Huh?

- You should be rehearsing Shakespeare.
- Oh, come on.

You're not here to help her.

Where's Mom?

She had to, uh, powder her nose.

Oh, uh, my nose
is a little shiny too. Excuse me.

Don't feel bad.
You meant well.

So, Joe.
I believe you owe me an apology.

What were you afraid of anyway?
That she'd be good?

What I'm afraid of is you.
You live with my mother,

you're younger than me,
and you don't have a job.

Ah, the triple threat.

I'm not sponging off of her.

how much rent are you paying her?

- What does that have to do with...
- I thought so.

- I'm not a gigolo.
- Oh, come on, Joe.

I mean, when are you
gonna get a real job, huh?

I'm an actor.

Okay, I may not be a C.P.A...

or own a huge corporation
and wear three-piece suits,

but acting is legitimate work.

Yeah, I knew a guy once
who called himself an actor.

The only acting he ever did is when
he called home to borrow money.

Died broke. Drained his family.
Broke his poor mother's heart.

I'm doing a play tomorrow night.
It's off-Broadway, and it pays.


It's Hamlet.

Oh, Hamlet. No kidding?
Very impressive.

Why don't you come see it
and judge for yourself?

Well, thanks for the invitation,
old man. Count me in.

How about you, Neil?
Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

Uh, Neil, don't you think
we ought to get going?

Because you have
to be back at work

and we have an early train
to catch tomorrow morning.

No, we don't. We're gonna take the
red-eye tomorrow night, after the show.


Yes. Uh, Joe here has invited
us all to the theater.

Well, Joe, isn't that sweet?

He's persistent.
You gotta give him that.

Yes, I suppose I do.

After the club, I hoped that maybe dinner
would give me a chance to win Neil over.

Unfortunately, it didn't work.

The next day,
I thought it would be a good idea...

to give Jane some time alone with her
family and sent them off shopping.

And as much as I wanted to go along,

I thought the only way
to make a good impression

was to show them that
I was a good actor.

no matter how hard I tried,

only one thought kept
running through my mind:

"Did people throw rotten vegetables
at bad actors in the '60s? '"

- Say, what kind of joint is this?
- It's an art house.

Well, tell Art to get a real theater.

Look, Neil, it doesn't matter
what kind of theater it is.

It just matters
what's up on the stage.

Well, that's very nice
of you to say, Ted.

Oh, Neil, could you get me
a program? I didn't get one.

- Oh, I'll get it.
- I'm gonna help him.

Excuse me.

Say, Ted.
Whose side are you on?

Take a look. I've seen slums
with more class than this place.

I bet this whole thing's a joke.

I have a feeling your mother's
in for a big disappointment.

Two minutes, everybody.

Sam, what are you doing with that script?
You don't need that.

- I know.
- You've got a photographic memory.

I know, I do.
But I'm just a little nervous.

- Give me a break. I mean, this is...
- Okay, everybody. Listen up. On stage.

Now, these are desperate times.
The competition is fierce.

And we're getting lost in the shuffle.

I'm sorry to tell you this,
but tonight will be the last performance.

- What? You're kidding.
- Unless... Unless...

we are willing to make
drastic changes immediately.

Like what?

- Do you trust me?
- Absolutely.

All right. We must be courageous.
We must be innovative.

We must be...

- nude!
- Oh, wow! Dynamite! That's great!

Just wait a second here, uh, I...
This must be why Joe never went on.

Joe, you heard him.
We'll all be out of a job tomorrow!

- I've got two kids to support.
- Count me in.

All right. All right.
Bring the house lights down!

Joe, uh, is it my imagination or do
I detect a trace of hesitation here?

You're not gonna
let us down, are you?

No, I-I just don't think
that nudity is the solution.

No, wait a minute.
I-I just feel we don't...

Why don't you just try it?

- Give me that! Give me that!
- All right. Ready?

- Places.
- Woo-hoo!

And, uh, curtain.

- Al, I can't...
- Huh?

I can't do this.

What do you mean
you can't do this?

You got... This is Joe's big break.
This is everybody's big break.

This is why you're here.
Now, come on, don't blow it.

What about Jane's family?

Hey, your mustache looks
stupid and your beard.

Jane's family, it doesn't matter.
This is 1969.

Everybody was nude on the stage.

Oh! Calcutta! uh, Hair.
All that stuff.

Come on. Don't be a prude.
Now, get out there!

But now, my cousin Hamlet,
and my son.

That's your cue!
Get out there! Hurry up!

Sam, that's your cue. Go!

Well, good night.
If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus,

Come on.

The rivals of my watch,
bid them make haste.

I think I hear them.

A little more than kin
and less than kind.

Oh, boy.

Not so, my lord.
I am too much in the sun.

Oh, I die.


the potent poison
quite o'er-crows my spirit.

I cannot live to hear
the news from England.

But I do prophesy
the election lights on Fortinbras.

He has my dying voice.

The soldiers' music and the rites of war...

speak loudly for him.

Take the bodies.
Such a sight as this becomes the field,

but here shows much amiss.

Go, bid the soldiers shoot.

Wow. What a way to make a living.

Well, I'm proud of Joe.
What he did took courage.

Or drugs. Lots of them.

I found their performances
very... moving.

Well, yeah. They moved, all right,
and jiggled and flapped a bit.

- Neil!
- Sorry, Mom, but it's true.

I'm going backstage
to congratulate Joe.

I have never been
so totally and completely...

humiliated in my life.

What are you complaining about?

- You should be proud.
- What?

- That audience was riveted.
- Oh, please.

It was like they were watching...
a car wreck.

Like it was horrible, but you were
too fascinated to look away.

Thank you.
Thank you for your support.

There were some nice things
on that stage.

As a matter of fact,
there were two nice things.

- Al.
- Yeah.


- Ophelia.
- Petra, hi.

Oh, Joe!

- Joe!
- Jane!


Uh, Jane.

- Ophelia.
- Neil!

Oh, boy.

- Well, that was certainly illuminating.
- Oh, shut up, Ted!

- Petra.
- No, Sam. No.

- See you later. See you later.
- Sam, I don't believe you!

- Oh, my God.
- Al, I think I've lost Jane.

You lost Jane?
You've lost you're mind!

Kicking that beautiful
Ophelia with nothing on.

So what? What does that
have to do with anything?

No! No, I mean it.
Now, go away. I'm not foolin' around!

It's, uh, Rob Jackson
from Rosenfeld and Adams.

- Rosenfeld and Guilden...
- What is that?

Oh, wait. Whoa! Open the door!
That's an agent!

- Oh, man.
- Hurry up!

- Uh, hi.
- Hi.

Mr. Jackson, I'm sorry,
I, uh, I'm just getting dressed here.

Come on... Come on in here. I'll just
be a second. What's goin' on with Jane?

Yeah. I think you, uh, you did a great
job tonight, all things considered.

Oh, well. Thank you.

Uh, Sam, Ziggy says you've
gotta do something drastic.

- Or else it's adios, bye-bye!
- No.

Yes, really. Uh, in fact, I think you'd be
perfect for this job we're about to cast.

Really? You-You really think
that my acting was that good, huh?

Oh, your acting was, uh, was fine.

But what I'm really
interested in is your look.

Uh, you see, we're looking
for the new Boxer Boy.

You know, Boxer Boy Underwear?
"Lasts a lifetime plus 10 years"?

Yeah, hey,
I've still got a pair of those.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I think I am looking at the
new Boxer Boy. What do you say?

Sam, this is great. Ziggy says that this
sets Joe... uh, sets you up for life.

I'm sorry, I don't think I can do it.

- What?
- I'm sorry. Let me ask you though.

- Is there like a jingle?
- Yeah.

- You got a singer for that yet?
- No, not yet.

Okay, well, I can't sign with you
unless you sign a terrific singer too.

Sam, Ziggy said "drastic,"
not "overboard."

You're shooting down
Joe's whole life here.

I get it. You're talkin'
about what's-her-name,

the one who plays
Ophelia, right?

No, no, no.
Her name is Jane Lindhurst.

Sam, you're taking
chivalry a bit too far.

- Well I'd have to hear her sing first.
- Okay. All right.

I can arrange for that.

How you gonna do that?
She's taking the 12:01 to Cleveland.

Tell you what.
You meet me at the Black Light,

the Black Light Club,
in an hour, okay?

And, uh, I'm gonna go find her
and I'll tell her the good news.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

Don't you have any newer pictures of me?
I've changed a little.

Sometimes I wish that you could've
stayed five and I could've stayed 25.

Oh. Not me.

That was the year that I-I broke
Great-grandma's platter. What was it?

Bavarian and priceless.

Bavarian and priceless,
that's right.

I lied. I said Billy broke
it, and you knew better.

Oh, I spent a whole lot of time
in the corner over that one.

That was the first fib
you ever told me.

You know, you used to say that...

the only thing worse than lying to
other people was lying to yourself.

I didn't understand
what you meant then,

but... I do now.

You think I'm not being
honest with myself.

Maybe you're right.

This isn't you, Mom.

You're not some wild, young singer.

Don't you think it's time
that you came home?

Well, here we are
on the street again.

How come there are
eight billion cabs in New York City,

but you can never find one
when you want one?

It's the Bermuda
Triangle, New York.

- Never mind.
- What?

And how come you didn't tell me earlier
that she was gonna take the train?

I told you as soon as I found out.

Now, listen.
What do you think is gonna happen

if Jane starts to sing for
this agent and she can't?

- I say she can.
- Well, you don't know.

She could be blowing
two careers instead of one.

How do you think she's gonna
feel about that afterwards?

How do you think Joe
is gonna feel about that?

J-Joe is gonna feel miserable
if he doesn't help her.

You know, I hate it
when you're right.

- What?
- Uh-oh.

Looks like she's starting to
leave, Sam. Go, go, go.

Come on, shake a leg, Janie.
Shake a leg, come on.

All right, that's it.

Jane! Wait a second! Wait a second!

- Oh, no.
- You can't run out on me like this.

You gotta give me a
chance to explain.

What's to explain? You're 25.

She's 25. It's only natural.

Yeah, but nothing happened!

I didn't invite Petra to my room.
She invited herself.

Come on, Mom.

If it isn't Petra,
it'll be somebody else.

And then one day
you'll stop turning them down.

I can't compete. The only thing
that sags on her are her morals.

You're going downhill, Sam.

Look. Look.
What about your career?

If you're not gonna stay here for
us, at least stay for yourself.

Give your career a chance.

- I did and I failed.
- Look, you only froze once!

Jane! Jane! Excuse me.

Jane, listen to me.

Lots of people fail their first time out.
Don't give up on yourself.

- Joe, we have to make a train.
- Shut up, Ted. I'm not talkin' to you.

- Now you take your hands off her...
- Or what?

- Or this!
- Joe!

- Ted! Ted, no! Stop!
- Get up, you draft-dodging...

Stop! Stop, you two! Stop it!

Just leave us alone a minute.
Get in the cab.

Joe, are you all right? Joe.

You're lucky he didn't give you
a flying noodle kick, you nozzle.

I know you think I'm crazy
for going on tonight, but I had to.

A lot of people were depending upon me.
There was an agent in the audience.

Some guy from Rosenfeld and Adams.

And he thinks that I...

that I could be the next Boxer Boy.

You mean the shorts that last a
lifetime plus 10 years?

Yes. Yeah. That-That's it.
I'll be set.

We'd be set. I know
it's not Shakespeare, but it's a job.

Yes. I'm-I'm real happy
that one of us could make it big.

No, no, no.
You don't understand.

I told him I wouldn't sign with him
unless he signed you too.

He wants to hear you sing.

- Oh, no, Joe. I can't let you do that.
- It's too late. I already did it.

No, I couldn't possibly
jeopardize your...

Jane. Jane.

- We deserve a chance.
- Action speaks louder than words, Sam.

What kind of a life?
I mean, what about kids, or what...


Nobody knows what the future holds.

I could be dead tomorrow,

or we could live together
for the next 50 years.

Take a chance.

- Oh, Joe.
- Now, now, now.

- Joe, no. I can't. I really can't.
- Listen to me. Listen to me.

No matter how you do,
I'll still love you.

Okay. Now, give 'em hell.

All right.

She's good.

Sam, you did it.
You did it.

Jane and Joe sign
with Rosenfeld and Adams.

And then in a week
they get married,

and then Joe goes on to make a
fortune selling underwear on TV.

What about Jane?

Well, she doesn't
have much of a career.

But, you know,
she does a couple of commercials.

Sings with a band
every once in a while.

And she's happy.
That's the thing, she's really happy.

Go! Go!

Oh, boy!