Quacks (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Physicians Hernia - full transcript

Oh, dear.

He's dead.

Sorry.

I don't know why it didn't work.

The dosage is right, I'm sure.

He must have had some internal
complication we didn't know about.

Yes, I kill people occasionally
by mistake, I'm sorry.

But we're learning.

You kill people too.

Except when you do it,
for some reason, it's fine.

They were just lucky that
their last living moments



were spent at your hands.

As they die, they're probably thinking,

"I'm being killed by the great
Robert Lessing, what an honour."

We've used chloroform
seven times this week.

Only one person has died,
this stupid man.

It's not reliable.

Is this one of the bodies
I can turn into candles, sir?

No, he's my accountant.

He's a respectable man with a family.

Specifically,
an adoring wife called Mary,

who I have to now go and tell her,
her husband's died.

I'm sure you can turn him into candles.

Just put something else in the coffin.
Yeah.

I use potatoes.



You asked to see me, doctor.

There you are.

If you hang a dead mole
around the child's neck,

their teething problems will diminish.

Good day.

Lessing.

I have a patient with a large
swelling or bulge in his...

Let us say HER groin area,

which has become very painful.

Does he...

Let us say SHE have pain
when she coughs or lifts objects?

Well, she doesn't lift any objects
as a rule, but, yes,

when he coughs SHE coughs.

Does this lady have blood in her stool?

Oh, yes, he does.

She does? Yes. They do.

How long have they had this swelling?

15 years.
It's only recently become painful.

In which case, it may be that
a hernia operation is required

to prevent strangulation of the bowel

and possible perforation.

Will you tell her that?

Yes, yes, I will.

That's an extremely dangerous operation,
is it not?

Many risks? That's correct.

The hernia must be repressed
and the muscle sewed up.

And the patient could well die.

They could.

The other person he... They...

SHE is considering for the operation
is Patrice Dupont,

who performed a number of
herniotomies last month,

all with great success.

You should check the patients
haven't died subsequently.

Patrice Dupont knows as much
about hernia repair

as I do about hot air ballooning.

Have you seen the man at work?

He is by all accounts extraordinary.

Swift, deft, handsome and precise.

He's due to come perform here this week.

Great honour for the hospital.

Well, then maybe this moronic
patient you're talking about

should go and be treated by the
massively overrated Frenchman,

if that's her inclination.

It's a free country after all.

Stupidity and poor judgment
are not yet illegal.

She will choose as she sees fit.

Good day, Mr Lessing.

My love.

You should not call me that. I know.

What are we doing?

Oh, there can be no more wrist kissing.

Kiss my ankle then.

I cannot. We must not.

Oh!

Ah.

Oh!

Caroline, this cannot go on.
Oh, I want it to go on.

I'm going to divorce him.

Do not do that, not for me.
The shame will be too much.

No, I'm doing it for myself.
Run away with me.

No! Yes!

Where would we go?

Hello, Mr Bryant. Welcome back.

Did you feel any pain during that?

No. And that, gentlemen,
is due to ether.

It requires careful administration,

but with the correct dosage
offers pain-free dental extraction,

better than brandy, mesmerism,
or any other boogie.

Thank you.

If any of you wish to buy a version
of my inhaler from me,

or be taught the process,

I'd be happy to supply you with the
necessaries, for a reasonable fee.

I like you.

I am interested in you.

Hello.

I am... How you say?..impressionne.

Thanks.

With this...

Peut-on regule I'administration
de la drogue, du gas?

Yes. Are you from France?

Bah, oui. Bien sur.

My name is Monsieur Dupont.

Enchante.

I am a very great surgeon.

I can help you.

This... C'est la futur.

You can administer chloroform also?

Yes.

Together, we can do des merveilles,
you and I.

It's very flattering, Mr Dupont.

The problem is, I already have
an established relationship

with a surgeon here called Mr Lessing.

Ah. Hmm.

I think I'm losing my wife.

What makes you think that?

We had another argument last night.

I told her she should not be reading
the British Journal of Homeopathy

and she threatened me with divorce.

I realised that I can't lose her.

I'm no good at expressing it, but...

I need her.

She's infuriating and strong-willed
and neglectful and rude.

But...I love her deeply.

You love her? Of course I do.

What about all those prostitutes
you visit?

I don't.

When I do,
I don't do anything with them.

Besides playing with their boobies.

The truth is that

I'm not very...good at...

that.

At those...things.

I think she's having an affair.

Surely not! No. Do you know who with?

I mean, if she is,
which I'm sure she's not.

Someone gave her a box of cream buttons.

She's always going off for
carriage rides without explanation.

A man can tell.

I have to win her back.

You understand the female mind,
don't you?

HER mind? A little.

Do I buy flowers?

Or biscuits?

Do I...?

What do I do?

You really wish to win her back?

Not for pride,

or to avoid social embarrassment,

but because you love her?

Do you love her, Robert?

Because it must seem to her
that you don't.

I do, sincerely.

I've just forgotten how to express it.

Then you must remind her
why it is she fell in love with you.

Cos I'm brilliant, I suppose.

And good-looking. She's very lucky.

Yes, she is.

But she is also an amazing woman,

do you not think?

She's everything you could want
a woman to be.

She's kind, isn't she?
Not to me, she's not.

She has wonderful ambitions and dreams.

They're mad. They're not.

I deal with madness, they are passions.

Some of them, yes, unusual,

but...you need to confront her less.

Listen to her.

I knew you'd be good at this.
Let me get a pen.

Say more clever things about women.

You should make her feel like

she's the only person
in the world you care about,

or want to talk to.

Even though,
if you think about it for a moment,

that's clearly not true.

You should touch her with affection.

Not a needing, male touch,
but a loving, supportive touch.

Cherish her ankles.

Hmm? You could kiss every part of her.

You need to make her believe in magic.

Show her the stars.

When you're in love, there is beauty
in an onion, is there not?

Stars... Kissing... Onion!

It's like having tea with Byron.

Oh,
what was the one you said before that?

Listen to her.

Good!

I'll give some of that an attempt.

I'm determined to make this work.
Credit to you if I pull it off.

Now...do you want to come with me

to a Patrice Dupont operation
at the hospital?

My treat.

I need to check out the competition.

And start a smear campaign.

Here's my ticket.

Move along. Move along, please.

Wow! Look at this crowd.

People are idiots, aren't they?
Have you got my pie?

Have you seen this chap operate before?

Oh, yes, I saw him last week.

But I'm excited about today's operation.

It's a real first.

It's not.
And it's fairly easy to do, in fact.

Have you heard what Mr Dupont's
been saying about the Queen? No.

That she's a reprobate
and should have her head cut off.

I know, it's appalling, isn't it?

He shouldn't be in the country.
Pass it on.

And when I heard about
his sexual proclivities,

I was nearly ill.

Physically ill.

Oh, what are they? I'd rather not say.

Very well, I don't want to know.

I don't want to tell you. Please don't.

He likes having his balls sucked
by Catholic choir boys, pass it on.

Bonjour, messieurs et mesdames.

Peters?! Today, you lucky few
will be witnesses to a miracle

for there is a genius
at work in this building.

This is unendurable. Get on with it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the mighty, the magnificent,

the baron of the blade,

Monsieur Patrice Dupont.

Gosh, he is dashing, isn't he?

Look at that hair! It's a work of art.

Messieurs-dames, bonjour.

What I will show you today,
c'est tres unique.

Bonjour, madame.

Aujourd'hui, I will be using knives
made specialement pour moi

by the Japanese knife master,
Daichi Sichiru.

CROWD MURMURS

Let us bring forward a patient now.

Monsieur Dillon.

Monsieur, you have lost your nose

due to the ravage of syphilis.

SHOCKED GASPS

Don't worry.

I will build you a new one.

Ladies and gentlemen, today, un miracle.

I will take skin from
the forehead of this man

and I will build him un nouveau nez.

This is a process the Indians do
2,000 years ago.

Today, I reclaim it for humanity.

He's just like you.

I call it the Indian flap.

I simply cut here... Oop.

And here, oop.

And then I flap.

Non, monsieur,
I do questions at the end.

Yes, I have one now.

If you take skin from the forehead
near where the anterior hairline is,

doesn't that mean he'll end up
with a hairy nose? Mais non.

The hair follicles will have died
after the operation.

Much like the patient.

Perhaps be quiet now.

Eat your pie, let's see what happens.

What is more incroyable

is that during this
operation tres difficile,

the patient, he will feel no pain.

I have a new associate.

I'd like to introduce him to you now,
Monsieur John Sutton.

This is a very great man.

What in the name of all that
is holy are you fucking doing?

Shush, please. You shush!

What's he paying you?

More than you do, which wasn't hard.

We are a partnership.
You don't think what I do is reliable.

It isn't reliable, is it?
I still see the value in it.

Have this man removed.

Oliver!

I've paid my ticket. Get off!

Get off me! Potato-faced idiots.

Dear Mina, how lovely to see you again.

Dear William, how are you?

I have bought you some apple snowballs.

That's lovely. Thank you.

I am well, thank you for enquiring.

And may I ask how you are?

Very well.

Well, thank YOU for asking.

We are both well.

It is your father's health
that I'm anxious to hear about.

Have you had any communication
on that matter?

My mother wrote to me today,

to say that he seems to have
settled somewhat.

I am relieved to hear that.

I do hope that he'll be able
to remain in that home.

They clearly care for him so well there.

Yes.

We are all acutely aware
that he stays there

entirely due to your kindness
and generosity.

Thank you so much, Miss Mina.

Well, what is money for,
if not to help others?

It is my earnest hope that
I may be able to continue

to support his treatment there
beyond the end of the month.

Thank you.

What would prevent that?

Oh! My dear William, do not ask that.

It'll force us to discuss our future.

And what I love is being
with you in the present.

Yes.

What would prevent it?

As I'm sure you can imagine,
my finance is not bottomless.

It would be hard for me
to continue to pay indefinitely

for the treatment of someone
who is not family.

But let us not talk of such things.

I do not want to put you
under any pressure.

You must make up your own mind,

as to the strength of your feelings
for me.

I want us to have fun together!

Oh, do you enjoy herring?

I'm sorry? Herring.
The fish, do you like it?

I love it.

What a match we make.

Have you brought me some herring,
as well as the apple snowballs?

No.

You funny man.

I want to go to the Barnstaple
Herring Festival this April.

Would you care to join me?

Yes. I'd love to.

What fun.

Have an apple snowball.

Let me pop one in your mouth.

Wider.

Wider. Wider.

Ah.

There you are, my darling. Here I am.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing at all.

What are you reading?

A chapter on the working
of the intestines.

Good for you. Good.

Is it good? It's...

Are you all right? Yes.

I'm just excited, because I've
bought us something to do together.

I've bought you the stars.

It's a Newtonian reflector,

made by the Gould Brothers in Kingston

with a unique,
highly polished eight-inch speculum.

They assured me it guarantees
deep space penetration.

Come and have the first look, my love.

Oh! Ah! Argh!

I can see Alpha Orionis,

as clearly as a chaffinch
in next door's tree.

There's something I wish to ask you.

I can see the forests on the moon -
quite extraordinary.

I'm listening, my love. I'm listening.

I was wondering whether I could come

and observe you at some
of your operations.

Not as a member of the crowd,
but in a more medical capacity.

Like an assistant.

I think my knowledge is now such
that I could offer occasional help.

I would love for you to do that.

Oh. Right.

You can pass me things when I need them.

Now...come and look at the moon,
my love.

I mean,
I've never known him to be so strange.

I think John must have given him
some of his party mushrooms.

No, it's not that.

He fears he is losing you

and he wishes to win back
your affections.

He...he...

came to me to advise.

Really?

What did you say to him,
buy me a telescope?

I said he should...

show you the stars.

Ah.

Well,
he did say some lovely things to me.

I must credit you with them, I suppose.
No.

No, he loves you.

You cannot divorce him, Caroline.

What we did in that carriage was wrong.

We must stop.

He can be a good husband to you,
if you let him back into your heart.

You misunderstand that.
Ah, Mr Lessing, a word, please.

Mr Lessing,
I have something to reveal to you.

The female patient with the hernia
I mentioned earlier in the week

does not actually exist.

The person with the hernia...

is in fact, myself.

No! You?

The pain is becoming acute,

so I wish for the operation
to be done soon.

May I examine the lump?

Certainly not.

What I've realised
is that it is not necessary for me

to choose between yourself
and Monsieur Dupont as surgeons.

You're both here
at the hospital this week.

I can get you both to do it.

Monsieur Patrice says
he is willing to operate on me,

which is a great honour,

but I am also aware that he is French

and therefore not entirely
to be trusted,

so I'd like you to attend as his second.

You're asking me to perform
the surgery...as his assistant?

No. I am telling you to.

What if I refuse?

If you were to refuse to treat
the royal physician

at the hospital he runs?

No-one would be foolish enough
to do that, would they?

Dear Mina,

I have realised that I love you in ways

that are beyond my ability to express.

Please will you make the happiest man

in the area,

by being my wife?

Dear William, this is so unexpected.

Of course I will marry you.
Yes, yes, yes, I will, I do.

Stand!
You silly, foolish, wonderful man.

I always knew this day would come
if I prayed for it hard enough.

I think I've found the perfect place
for a new venture I have in mind.

Mm-hm?

Are you interested to hear what it is?

Of course, I'm interested, my darling.

I'm listening to you.

I'm keen to support you
in every way a husband can.

You are the only person in the world.

I want to open a women's only clinic.

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

I thought you were going to support me.

At something reasonable,
at watching me work,

not ridiculous ideas.

It's not ridiculous. You're ridiculous.

I am not! How dare you? What's the
matter with you at the moment?

What's the matter with you all the time?

One minute you're spouting
badly rehearsed flattery,

the next you're telling me
to follow my dreams.

I don't know how to say such things,
do you understand? What things?

Get off me, what things?

I don't know how to say I love you!

Get off.

You get off.

Oh!

Messieurs-dames, bonjour.

Oh,
he's brought his little gerbil with him.

Aujourd'hui, une operation tres
difficile et tres importante.

You, my guests from the Westminster
Medical Association,

have come to see a hernia
restoration on a patient.

My patient.

None other than
the royal physician himself.

I'm very excited about this.

Thank you, everyone, for coming.

In addition to radical surgery,

you will also see mon assistant,
John Sutton,

administre le nouveau medicament
miraculeux, chloroform.

Relax, doctor. Just breathe easily.

He is now putting
Monsieur Hendrick to sleep,

employing la pompe de Dupont.

Sorry, what did you call it?

You work for me now.

It took me four years to make this.

Hmm...

You.

You pass me things when I ask for them,
without questions.

If I can understand you.

Alors, let me see the swell.

Couteau.

That's France for knife.

Non, non, non, c'est quoi ca?

Huh? Celui-la! II est fou, quoi?

His hernia has a pulse, which means
it isn't a hernia, it's an aneurysm.

What's an aneurysm?

Dilatation of the main blood vessel.

Which means that
when Dupont cuts into it,

he'll be cutting into one
of the doctor's main arteries.

Couteau?

Patrick, are you certain it's a hernia?

J'ai dit pas de questions!

Of course.

Hm!

Oh!

Oops.

Ah... C'est pas un hernia.

You have about 30 seconds before he
loses five pints of blood and dies.

No, I fix this. I fix this.

Pass the silk. Vite, vite! Silk.

I tie the femoral artery.

You need to open up the abdomen,
tie up the iliac vessel higher up.

Non. I am in charge!

I tie here. Remove this nurse.

You won't be able to tie it there.
The artery is too small.

You need to go higher.
Non. I am Patrice.

Allez-vous-en.

Oh, merde. Oh, non.

John, I need your help.
If we leave the Frenchman in charge,

Hendrick will die in about 15 seconds.

Is that what we want?

Hm... Hm.

Chloroform's widely used
in muggings at the moment.

Monsieur Dupont?

Breathe this, please.

I will now take charge.

Good knife.

I have found the iliac vessel,
behind the doctor's bowels

and am now tying it off
to prevent further blood loss.

The Frenchman failed to diagnose
that this is no hernia,

it's an aneurysm.

Boo to the Frenchman! BOOING

Sadly, since the doctor's leg can
no longer receive a blood supply,

it means the leg will have
to be amputated.

Is it going well?

You're just in time to see
Robert cut off Dr Hendrick's leg.

Oh, good.

Perhaps you don't need to amputate.

I mean,
if the other blood vessels have expanded

and taken on the blood flow,
the leg may yet survive.

I'd quite like to cut it off.

You could always cut it off later,
if necessary.

Yeah? But if the leg recovers,
you'll get huge credit.

If it doesn't recover, I can cut it
off later and get the credit then.

Whether or not...the doctor's leg
survives,

due to collateralization
of the remaining blood vessels,

that remains to be seen.

But one thing is certain -

the doctor's life has been saved
here today

by an Englishman.

Hear, hear!

He's going to be unbearable. Mm.