QI (2003–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - Invertebrates - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well!
Goooood evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening.
And welcome to QI for a show
that's all about insects
and other invertebrates.
Let me introduce
our completely spineless panel.
Busy as a bee, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Snug as a bug, Sarah Millican.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Knee-high to a grasshopper,
Johnny Vegas.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And banging his head fruitlessly
against a window, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So before we begin, we should hear
your buzzes. Jimmy goes...
FLY BUZZING
Ooh, it's annoying.
- Sarah goes...
CRICKETS CHIRP
- Aw!
Johnny goes...
MOSQUITO BUZZES / LAUGHTER
And Alan goes...
MOSQUITO BUZZES
SPLATTING
Now, don't forget,
there are some questions
to which nobody knows the answer.
FANFARE
'Nobody knows!'
If you play your joker
to a question to which nobody knows
the answer you get extra points.
If you use it at the wrong time,
you look like a bit of a tit.
LAUGHTER
- So, to question one. - Right.
LAUGHTER
What's the point?
LAUGHTER
Aw!
What do bees do better than dogs?
BUZZER
Yes, Jimmy.
Make honey.
LAUGHTER
That's probably true, I have to say.
Probably true! You're giving me
probably on making honey.
OK, if that's the way
you want to play it.
- I'll give you that one. - Thank you
very much. I'm already in the lead.
LAUGHTER
They're better at sneaking up on you
than dogs are. You'd never know
if a bee had sniffed your crotch.
LAUGHTER
Well, you might not.
- There'd be a buzzing noise.
But oddly enough, you used
the word there... - Is it crotch?
LAUGHTER
No.
- Sniffing?
- Sniffing. We use dogs to sniff,
- to sniff in customs
and for security... - Sniffer bees!
..for explosives and drugs.
It takes a dog about three months
at least to be trained
to be a sniffer dog.
It takes a bee ten minutes.
All you have to do
is put it in a box,
add the smell and some sugar
simultaneously, do that a few times,
and it will instantly associate that
smell with sugar and a reward and
next time it comes across the smell,
its proboscis will come out
and if you set it all up right,
it will cause an alarm.
- So why aren't we in airports killing
bees, then? - It's beginning to happen.
Unless drug dealers
have an allergy to stings,
I can't see them being pinned up
against the wall by a policeman...
LAUGHTER
..with a bee on a bit of kite twine.
There's a company called Inscentinel
which has developed this
and it is beginning to be used
by the military and airports
and various others.
You pop a bee in a little box
and you train it.
That's not a little box, that's like
the worst rucksack ever invented.
LAUGHTER
What if they like savoury stuff?
What if they haven't got
much of a sweet tooth?
The great thing about bees
is they only like sugar.
There may be a rogue bee
that likes meat or salami,
and that would be useless.
- Pasties? - Pasties. - He wouldn't be able
to do that as a job. - A Cornish bee.
LAUGHTER
You shove a few in a box
and then waft them near the thing
you want them to check, there it is.
That's not a bad idea cos that's
the old joke about the best way to
smuggle drugs being in a dog's bum.
Because when the sniffer dogs
come through...
LAUGHTER
..as soon as the dog sniffs,
you just go, "Come here, you!
Naughty little thing."
- But with bees, how much could you get
in a bee's bum? Very little.
- Very little.
My dad once punched a bee.
- Punched a bee?
- Yeah, it went for him, and it was
huge, so he just punched it.
He said it was like
a velvet tennis ball.
LAUGHTER
A rather beautiful phrase,
velvet tennis balls of the sky.
I like that he was thinking of
such poetic things
when he was punching a bee.
- Bees are valuable and they are
in trouble. There seems to be...
- That one was.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to offer you a reward.
I've got a plate here
of insect-related foods, Sarah,
and you can choose your reward. This
is a lolly which has got ants in it.
This is a scorpion brittle,
like a peanut brittle,
only with a scorpion in it.
I don't know if you can see it.
Or just some dried bugs here.
Would you like one of those?
And where is the treat part?
LAUGHTER
- Chocolate ant, would you like
a chocolate ant? - I'll suck it.
- Would you? - No.
LAUGHTER
- Are you going to risk any of these?
- Erm, I'll have a look at them.
- If I had a chocolate ant, would you?
- Er, I'll let you go first. - I've eaten
it. There it is. - I'm not really
bothered, to be honest with you. - Ah!
LAUGHTER
You made me eat it!
APPLAUSE
- Well, I want more bravery,
because these are treats.
- I don't even eat brown bread.
Don't give things like that to us.
- You think of brown bread as being
some sort of strange life form
that's... - Well, it's unnecessary.
LAUGHTER
If that's a new range of pick 'n'
mix, no wonder Woolies went under.
LAUGHTER
It may well be the world is going
to turn towards this kind of food
because 2.5 billion
of the world's population
already regularly eat insects.
Is that just by mistake
when you're on a bike?
LAUGHTER
These are treats and it may well be
that it will solve the problem.
By the year 2030,
they reckon there will be
such a shortage
of protein on the planet
that there will be a genuine problem
of starvation. There's already
a problem with starvation
but it will multiply enormously
as the population increases.
And insects and other invertebrates
may be the answer.
- Spider is genius. Like chicken legs
but they have loads of them. - Yes!
What do you think are the advantages
of eating and breeding insects
for food?
You get to pretend to be a giant.
LAUGHTER
A giant of commerce.
And you can train them all to come
and exercise in front of you
and get them to build tiny cars.
LAUGHTER
- Well, there is that. - And I'll say,
"Call me Johnny Nissan!"
LAUGHTER
- In the wild, when they lay eggs,
they lay billions. - That's right.
Only a few of them survive.
But if you've got them,
you can have all billion of them.
Yeah, exactly. And they need
far less feed than cattle.
They produce far less noxious gas
than cattle.
But how would you contain the
insect equivalent of foot-and-mouth?
LAUGHTER
- That would be a problem.
- "Have you been near a fly?" "Yes."
"Leave the airport."
If you're trying to get this as an
idea, this could solve starvation,
could you maybe pick a picture
of a guy that looks less nuts?
LAUGHTER
If you're trying to market it,
if he's meant to be
Captain Birdseye of the insect world,
he couldn't look any creepier.
LAUGHTER
He looks as if he's auditioning
to play the master
in the original Dr Who.
Even the frame in the picture
looks like he's about to black out.
LAUGHTER
- And the spider.
- "They're good for you."
HE MOANS
"My vocal chords are swelling up."
- There is no reason not to eat them.
- "I expect you to die, Mr Bond."
LAUGHTER
- Sorry. - Shrimp is essentially
the same thing. It's just in the sea.
That one is on land. - Exactly.
- They are delicious. - We eat shrimp
if there's a special on at Iceland.
LAUGHTER
STEPHEN COUGHS
- Excuse me. - Take a moment.
- It may be that ant. - It's the ant!
LAUGHTER
Oh, no, they're delicious,
they could solve the problems
of starvation...by killing us all.
LAUGHTER
I have got a problem in my throat.
Look at that man looming over you
going, "At last, I got you, Fry."
- Maybe that was a mistake.
- There's one brave ant. "We're
going to cover you in chocolate,
"we'll put you in front of
Stephen Fry, you're going to
go down there and sort things out."
- "Once you're inside, release it."
- I've eaten those.
They've got a terrible bitter
aftertaste, the smoked insects,
the little ants. I had them
at Bug World in Liverpool.
Were you supposed to eat them?
Cos isn't that like a zoo?
Is it shut now
because you ate everything?
LAUGHTER
- That giant snail was a mistake.
LAUGHTER
- It looked like a burger.
- Oh! - You're offered a bit at the end.
But then you're not meant to go back
on a frenzy and break the others.
Just with a different hat on
every time.
I like a zoo where there's a buffet
on the way out. Panda burger anyone?
LAUGHTER
Go to the Natural History Museum
just lifting the cases.
LAUGHTER
I've also got acid reflux,
I have to say. One little ant.
Here am I supposed to be advertising
it as the future of humanity,
and I have to say,
I feel like shit at the moment.
LAUGHTER
That has not gone down well.
APPLAUSE
The meat marketing board are
watching this at the moment going,
"Die! Die!"
LAUGHTER
Talking of bees and dogs,
do you know the premier site
on the internet for dogs
that are dressed as bees?
LAUGHTER
The best one? My favourite
or the most popular one?
Can you imagine a bee flying back
and going, "I've found the queen!"
LAUGHTER
"I've found the mother
of all queens!"
I've got a little extra question
for you. I was going to offer you
a reward of a chocolate ant,
but I suspect there'd be no takers.
I think I've got a leg
stuck between my teeth.
There are hundreds of ants
coming across the studio floor.
LAUGHTER
How can you tell if your dog
has a guilty conscience?
Is there a particular... Aww.
Look at that boxer.
- Is it that your slippers are full?
- Your slippers are full?
- I was trying to put it in a nice way.
Of shit. - I know what you mean.
LAUGHTER
I know what you're saying.
I think they go
in the opposite direction.
What a dog does
with a guilty conscience
is make a massive fuss of you.
- Ah, very interesting.
- More than usual.
- To try and make you love it
and to make up...
- I thought that was husbands.
LAUGHTER
When you say a guilty conscience,
do they have a...
That's a point. The answer
should've been nobody knows.
The people who own dogs
think they can recognise
a guilty look in their dog,
but they've done a number of tests
in which they have told their owner
their dog has done
this particular thing
and the owner has said, "Oh, yes,
that's its guilty look, I recognise
that" and it hasn't done anything.
It's all in the mind of the owner.
I've still got a little scaly
something in the back of my throat.
- Have a bit of scorpion brittle
to take it away.
- Take the edge off, yeah.
I was so looking forward
to being brave and butch
and taking this insect.
Revolting! There it is. Oh,
a little wing casing or something.
- AUDIENCE: Ohhh! - Very unpleasant.
Dogs can identify guilt in people.
- Yes, can they? They probably can.
- Yeah, they can.
- If you come in... - Certainly in
airports, but bees are better at it.
LAUGHTER
That's very good. Now, why aren't
there any vegan Venus flytraps?
- Yes, Sarah?
- Maybe there are, but people
don't invite them round for dinner
cos it's too complicated.
LAUGHTER
That's a very good answer.
Would you like a reward?
No, thank you.
LAUGHTER
- Ohh. - Vegan? - Yes.
- Are you all right?
- No, I'm not all right.
Suppose a leaf fell in,
why don't they eat the leaf?
Cos hasn't it got...
I had one of these when I was a kid.
- Hasn't it got to hit two of them
within a certain time frame?
- Absolutely right.
They have a sort of time system
on these tiny hairs,
you can see it here.
Poor little thing.
- And then it just does another
movement and bang. - Ooh.
- And it is really... - Do you know what
the coolest thing about them is?
When that closes,
that bit there is the stomach.
It just closes really tight
and then that becomes the stomach.
And all the digestive juices
absorb the little animal.
It has a design fault, then.
If you were one of those plants
and you were starving
- but you had a mouthful of lettuce...
- Yes. - ..it would never know.
- No. - It would starve to death
rather than eat a salad. - Exactly.
LAUGHTER
Because the salad didn't move
- in the right way. - You have
so much in common with these.
LAUGHTER
- If you fell asleep next to one
of them for long enough... - Yes?
..and it closed on your finger,
would it be able to digest
part of your finger?
I'm going to send you one
and you will do the experiment.
LAUGHTER
And let us know. You could try your
knob, as well. It'd be funnier.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- In the cause of science.
- I couldn't...
APPLAUSE
- It would be a penis flytrap then.
- Aww!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Well, we'll see.
- You're considering it. - Yeah.
LAUGHTER
There are other exciting ways
of catching insects.
- You know the South American bolas,
like a sling that you swing round?
- Yeah.
There's a spider that does
the same thing to catch insects.
There, look at that.
It's very clever.
- It swings this...
- That's not real, it's just a drawing.
LAUGHTER
I admit, we don't actually
have a photo of it.
I'll tell you why you don't have
a photo. Because you made it up.
It's not even a good picture.
That isn't even a good spider.
It's a heart-shaped thing.
You started off doing a heart, it was
probably a love letter, then you
went, "I'll put some legs on it".
I'm very sorry. But do look it up
on the net. I'm sure you'll find
a photograph. The bolas spider.
- And he's doing this, is he?
- He makes a sort of lasso.
- He lassos the insect
- and then he does...
- He goes, "Yee-hah!"
LAUGHTER
- It does seem crazy,
but nature is crazy.
- And then he drinks in a saloon. - Yes.
What's the best way to charm a worm?
There's a worm.
How would you charm a worm?
You tap, don't you?
Because when it rains, they come up.
Birds do that when they jump
up and down, they make a noise
like rain and they come up.
Yes, actually, what they think
is that there is a mole nearby.
And the earthworm's way of escaping
is to come to the surface,
because moles don't come up.
- Are they not friends?
I imagine they would be friends.
- No, Moley and Wormy, not friends.
- Moley eaty Wormy. - I'm going to stop
you there, because in my mind,
they are quite good friends. - Aww.
They live underground
and they have a terrific old time.
Could you charm a worm
with a tiny flute?
Well, it's good you should say this
because worm charming is a big,
I won't say industry,
but it is a big pastime, both
in America and in this country.
There is the commercial side of it.
- Erm, because... - Oh, for God's sake!
- I know.
LAUGHTER
I know you've got
your "get a life" look on.
LAUGHTER
- And I do know what you mean, but...
- I really have.
There's nothing that discernable,
is there? When you go,
"Hi, you've got lovely..."
- Oh, you mean charming them in that
sense. - No eyes. - They have a little
saddle, that can be attractive.
- But that's that myth, that that's
where they've been cut in half.
- Oh, I see, and re-grown. Yes.
- Something happened between...
- You can chop them in half. You can do
it with any animal. - Yeah, but they...
LAUGHTER
They don't join back together.
No, they can't. It's a myth.
But in America they call it
grunting, worm charming,
and it's reasonably big business
because Americans love to fish,
and obviously bait shops need worms
as well as maggots as...
- The girl in the foreground is
tapping the ground with flip-flops.
- She is.
She's got flip-flops on
so she's taken extra flip-flops.
LAUGHTER
- She's only done it to annoy you.
- It looks like a car boot sale
where everyone forgot the cars.
LAUGHTER
They've been Photoshopped
out of the picture.
APPLAUSE
It does rather, doesn't it?
- What it is, in Britain, the sport,
if I can call it that...
- You may not!
..involves dozens of competitors.
Oh, my God!
- Is that a worm on her T-shirt?
- She has a worm on her shirt!
- I don't know if that's a worm. I
don't think we should look at that.
- Oh, dear.
- You have to lure as many worms...
- Ken Dodd on the right.
- ..as you can in 30 minutes.
- With a recorder? - Well, with anything
you choose. You can just tap...
And why the time constraint, is that
because you're out on day release?
LAUGHTER
Possibly.
The low point was in Woodhall.
The Woodhall worm charming festival
in Lincolnshire,
none of the entrants in August 2010
- managed to lure a single worm.
- This is the worm-charming festival,
isn't it?
Were those people inside at the time,
were they in a building?
Yeah, it was raining, they had to
do it in the church hall.
LAUGHTER
- That would explain it.
- I'm getting nothing.
LAUGHTER
How do they decide the winner
if nobody actually lured any worms?
Well, a spokesman said
they were all winners
because they raised more than £200
for the Woodhall Spa Twinning
Association. I don't know
who Woodhall is twinned with.
I don't think it's twinned
with anywhere.
I think they had a suicide pact.
LAUGHTER
Why has she got string on her fork?
What's going on with these people?
That's her fork, like when you're
at the airport, with your case
going round, you put a ribbon on.
At least when you go trainspotting,
there are trains.
LAUGHTER
That's the best thing.
The trainspotters are stood
on the hill going, "Losers!"
LAUGHTER
"Get a life!"
APPLAUSE
- Oh, dear. It's true. - "Keep digging,
Cynthia, they're only jealous."
LAUGHTER
Well, the fact is, yes,
you can vibrate worms to the surface
by pretending to be a mole.
Now, when would you go out with
a bucketful of ladybirds?
What about if you had
a bit of spare time and your hobby
was collecting ladybirds?
LAUGHTER
- Yes. - Would that work? - It might.
But why do we like ladybirds?
- Don't they kill, er... - Greenfly.
- Greenfly, yeah. They are very good
pest controller animals.
- Are you sure they're not pests?
I think they might be. - Well,
they're a pest if you're an aphid.
- But... - I thought you said
if you were an atheist.
LAUGHTER
That's a fantastic idea.
Those ladybirds, proving
the existence of God again.
LAUGHTER
There must be a god
because they're so adorable.
Well, they're sold on the internet
to gardeners
- and the idea is that they help you
with your aphid control problem.
- So they're all alive in a bucket?
Yeah. There are all kinds of insects
you can buy. I remember buying
for a conservatory,
you can buy gall wasps,
I think they were,
because there was some sort of pest
I had in the conservatory.
Did they just ring the bell?
Two wasps turned up?
LAUGHTER
"We're here about the aphids."
LAUGHTER
"Where do you want us?"
No, ladybirds are very helpful,
obviously,
but the problem with them is,
if you order them on the internet
and you get a bucketful,
if you release them,
they'll simply fly away.
So there's a secret to it.
You release them at night
cos they don't fly at night.
So you release them into your garden
at night and they go to work.
Then during the day,
they may fly away, but they may
by then have eaten your aphids.
- Why don't they fly at night?
- They prefer not to.
- Can't see where they're going.
- We don't have an answer to that.
- My mum used to be like that driving.
Didn't like it.
Why not just
go through them individually
and break a bit of wing?
LAUGHTER
- And then keep them in your garden?
- You do want them to fly a bit.
Well, that's why I said break a bit.
I didn't say snap both.
LAUGHTER
Break a bit so they can have
a bit of aspirational flight,
but they can't escape.
- That's cruel. - Well, I paid for them
online. It's not like I go out
picking on random ladybirds.
- Slavery is what it is.
- Yes. - No, no, no.
What it is, it's about
getting your money's worth.
LAUGHTER
A bucketful of ladybirds.
Now, how did the thing with the
amazing eyes escape from the tank?
Look at that.
It's known as a mantis shrimp,
although it isn't a true shrimp.
- It's a crustacean.
- It doesn't sound like anything.
- It looks amazing, doesn't it?
Are those the eyes on the top?
The top bits are the eyes,
which are extraordinary because
they're divided into three.
- So they have three types of vision
in each eye. Look at it.
- Like bifocals? - Yes, they are.
They've got two of these eyes, but
even more than that, they have power
that is almost beyond belief.
- They can cut through glass.
- Hang on, this is sounding
like Saturday morning kids' TV.
- Power beyond belief. - They do! It's
extraordinary... - Is it the power
of prayer, Stephen? Do they pray...
LAUGHTER
Do they pray to get out of the tank
to the little baby Jesus?
They're mantis shrimps,
but not praying mantis shrimps.
Nice though, come on!
LAUGHTER
They can accelerate, they can
accelerate through the water at
10,000 times the force of gravity,
which causes the water in front of
them to boil. I know it sounds mad.
- That's how extraordinary they are.
- It seems like a disadvantage cos when
you stop, you're in boiling water.
LAUGHTER
"I seem to have cooked myself."
So they cook themselves?
They have this amazing power.
They have been known
to break out of aquarium glass
with one strike of their claw.
- They can actually break the glass
and get out of their aquariums.
- Have we got footage of this?
- I can show you one punching its
prey. - It had better have a "Kapow!"
That's it on the left there.
And this is obviously
massively slowed down.
- And there it... Bang! - Ooh.
And that was a really...
There you go...
That is insect domestic violence.
LAUGHTER
It really is.
They're very powerful creatures.
They have three sections of each
eye. They can see ultra-violet,
infrared, polarised,
and are the only creature on earth
that can see
circularly-polarised light.
- Does that mean they can watch Avatar
without the glasses? - Yes.
LAUGHTER
That's exactly what it means,
basically.
They're very remarkable creatures.
- Where do they live? - Vietnam,
that's where you find them.
- Would you like to see a shrimp on a
running machine? - More than you know!
LAUGHTER
- Take a look at this.
- It's the Iceland research facility.
LAUGHTER
- Aw! How good's that?
- It's very good, isn't it? - They've
not got it with a stop button.
No, I know, it doesn't have control.
Do you know, they can go three hours
before they get exhausted?
What has he got on the iPod?
- Yeah.
- He does look much slimmer than he did
at the beginning of the footage.
There are various excuses
that scientists have given
for why they're doing that to them.
Was it mainly boredom?
LAUGHTER
I was kicked out of there for just
breaking one wing on a ladybird,
and look what they're doing.
Are they doing any research
into Marie Rose sauce?
LAUGHTER
Because you need the two together,
in a wine glass.
It's like shrimp horse-jumping.
When the white line comes round,
it jumps.
Oh, does it? Oh, yes!
LAUGHTER
- Oh! - Whey!
LAUGHTER
And he's coming up here now
on the third turn.
LAUGHTER
And he's looking strong.
He's not looking bad.
He's lost his jockey
but he's still in the race.
LAUGHTER
The man responsible is called
Professor David Scholnick
of Pacific University in Oregon.
- He gives his name out? - Yes.
LAUGHTER
He said, "These studies will give us
a better idea of how marine animals
can perform in their native habitat
"when faced with increasing
pathogens and immunological
challenges". How I've no idea.
- We have to take his word for it.
- I'm waiting to see a crab
with some dumbbells.
LAUGHTER
It is strange, when you look at that,
because the shrimp is an insect,
but we quite happily eat that.
- Pick the legs off it, take the head
off. - I know. And lobsters and things.
As you say,
we'll happily eat them as a treat.
But these... Oh, God.
LAUGHTER
It's not done me any favours.
And I felt so confident.
I was going to have the scorpion,
as well, but I'm not now.
LAUGHTER
- I'll have the scorpion. - Would you
like the scorpion? - I'll have it.
- Oh, my dear fellow. There you are.
- You mean you're going to take it...
- I've had those. The aftertaste
is just horrendous.
It's there for hours.
But I'll have that.
- Yeah? Are you going to eat it now
in front of us? - If I put it all
in my mouth, it might...
- I'll break it in half. - Good idea.
- Make it manageable. - Yep.
- # Half the poison, half the fun
LAUGHTER
- Ready? - God, it...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's God telling me something,
isn't it?
- Wow, that is one tough... - I think
the scorpion might be alive. I think
it might be like Han Solo. - Hey!
- Not any more, it's not.
- Erm... Tail end or front?
I would go for the front. The tail
end might have a sting in it.
- Always ask a lady. - Hey!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ohh!
James Carr!
Well, you could hardly
break the thing, so...
LAUGHTER
Come back in nine hours.
LAUGHTER
Oh, you're having one, too!
Good for you!
- Excellent. - I've been licking the
brittle and I'll be there all night.
I was eating it like a Club biscuit.
LAUGHTER
- Licking all the chocolate off. - Is it
quite sweet? It's basically sugar.
- It's horrible.
- I can't feel my toes. - Oh, dear.
LAUGHTER
It's like hemlock.
It just works all the way up.
It's like bonfire night with death.
LAUGHTER
Go on, Sarah, you know you want to.
- You've got to be joking.
- Have a lick anyway.
- Is this what you had, the chocolate
ant? - Sarah, just think, what if we
all develop superpowers as a result?
LAUGHTER
Ohh!
LAUGHTER
Ohhh...
- Alan had the ant.
- How could you eat that?
- He has the power!
- You saw what it did to me.
- He has the power of nausea!
LAUGHTER
- Ohh! - That is absolutely repellent.
- As soon as you break the chocolate,
if whiffs. - I know, it's not nice.
Something's happening.
Something's happening!
LAUGHTER
Whey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my word!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Something... - Power of the scorpion!
LAUGHTER
Can I ask, are scorpions known
for forward rolls?
LAUGHTER
- Definitely. - Oh, yes, Sarah,
you're showing your ignorance there.
LAUGHTER
- I've tried a scorpion and I've tried
an ant. - Well done. - And that's it.
- All right. - That's like the start
of a really bad musical.
BOTH: # I tried a scorpion,
I tried an ant
# And that's it
LAUGHTER
# Try a bug, try a bug, no
LAUGHTER
- I mean...
- # Now I'm an insect sycophant
LAUGHTER
- Have you had anything, Sarah?
- No. - You should try an ant.
- I think you should have an ant.
Well, you're not me mam, so...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You might all end up
with superpowers,
but you'll need somebody to save.
- That's true. - No, we'll need somebody
to push us round.
LAUGHTER
- We'll need some home help once we
get our superpowers. We'll all be
delirious. - That'll be champion.
- Oh, good.
- Remember, never put anything in
your mouth that hasn't been boiled.
I thought that was
an old mother's thing.
My mam said
you don't have to put anything
in your mouth you don't want to.
LAUGHTER
That was my sex chat.
- That was your sex chat? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER
She didn't mention your vagina,
then? Just your mouth.
LAUGHTER
Well...
LAUGHTER
Oh, no!
LAUGHTER
I don't know what came over me.
APPLAUSE
- This is my first time on the show!
- I know.
Don't make me put a scorpion
up me nunny.
LAUGHTER
Sarah, if you would just entertain...
I'm not saying now,
I'm not saying now,
but if you did five minutes before
an gynaecological appointment
and you went,
"I've got a bit of an itch..."
LAUGHTER
You would be the subject
of a medical paper
that would be published
around the world!
- Wow. Fame.
- You would be the miracle woman.
- Anyway... - That shrimp is now looking
like it's going, "Hurry up".
LAUGHTER
"Is there another round? Cos I don't
think I've got another jump in me."
LAUGHTER
Apparently it'll take him
three hours to get exhausted.
Anyway, from shrimp mills to ant
mills. What does an ant mill do?
- Is it like ground ants? - Ground ants?
- Delicious. - Would you like some
ground ant? - Do they make bread? - No.
No, what happens is, occasionally
they lose the pheromone trail
that the leaders have and they start
following each other in a circle
and the circle
just goes round and round
and round and round until they die.
- They just get completely stuck.
- What, like an ultimate conga? - Yes.
LAUGHTER
HE SINGS CONGA
I'm knackered!
There was one observed in the 1920s.
It was 1,200 feet in circumference.
It took two and a half hours for
an ant to complete a whole circuit
and they were just going
round and round and they just
follow the one in front.
- Like dads at a wedding. - Yes!
LAUGHTER
If one of them was a bit down
and wanted to take
some others with it...
Yes! It could lead them
on a false trail.
- Absolutely. - Cool.
- Wouldn't that be beastly?
I've got a rule. If it comes in my
house then I'm allowed to kill it.
- Right. - Trespassing.
So how many Jehovah's Witnesses
have you...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Yeah. You're laughing, but...
LAUGHTER
- Yeah. Four. - Under the floorboards.
But if it's outside,
I have to leave it alone,
cos technically I'm in its house.
That's a rather sweet way
of looking at it.
Ants in an ant mill
follow each other round in a circle
until they died.
Why shouldn't you breathe... Excuse
me, what shouldn't you breathe in...
- What shouldn't you breathe in
if you're a stink ant?
- Is it your own...
Your friend's anus.
LAUGHTER
I think that's a general rule.
You don't have to be a stink ant.
LAUGHTER
It's a really weird life cycle,
this.
It's a really creepy
and unpleasant life cycle
that the stink ant is victim of.
It spends its life in the
rainforests of Cameroon
foraging on the ground, eating bits
of leaf mould and generally having
a perfectly reasonable life.
And way up in the canopy somewhere
is this spore.
And occasionally they go "Pssshhh!",
a fungus, and millions
of these things drop down.
And if the ant breathes it in,
it eats the ant from inside
and it starts with the brain
and it sends the ant a bit mad.
And it does something that the ant
would never otherwise do.
It makes the ant climb the tree.
So the ant climbs the tree
and it gets to a certain height
and it's kind of programmed
its brain. It sounds insane.
The ant then puts its mandibles
into the tree and waits to die
and then the spore
keeps growing and growing
and it pushes a shoot out of what
was once the brain of this poor ant,
it's eaten all its other soft parts,
and this great shoot comes out
which produces more spore
that drops down
and drags up more ants.
We've got a picture,
just in case you don't believe me,
of a poor ant...
- You've done a picture of this
happening. - This is a real thing.
This is the ant climbing up,
looking a bit unfortunate. You'll be
able to see, this is it here.
It's been eaten from the inside and
there is the spore growing out of
what was once its brain.
You can see, the rest of its body
has been eaten.
And that is... And there's
that spore growing out
and then it eventually stops
and the whole thing starts again.
- What a weird and cruel thing.
Isn't it? - Aw, that's sad.
It's like when people say,
"There must be a god because
of skylarks and water voles."
You say,
"Yeah, and because of that?"
LAUGHTER
It's called cordyceps,
this particular fungus,
and that's its life cycle,
basically to rain down
onto the forest floor,
get breathed in by an ant, make
the ant go crazy and climb a tree
and complete its cycle.
Or to give it its human name,
Special Brew.
LAUGHTER
That is a good visual representation
of what the hangover's like off it.
LAUGHTER
Ohh, what am I doing up a tree?
LAUGHTER
Agh, my head feels like
I'm growing spores!
LAUGHTER
- Imagine if it happened to people.
- Oh, God. - To see someone, like,
"Oh, no, he's going up a tree".
LAUGHTER
And all the soft tissues get eaten.
You can see, it's not just the
brain, it's all the bits lower down.
- You'd just have to let them go.
- I'd be really gutted
if I breathed it in,
didn't really climb the tree, fell
off and just ended up with a bump.
LAUGHTER
Cos there wasn't enough material
to feed off.
- Aww! - You just wake up
and they go, "What's that?"
and you go, "Oh, nothing".
LAUGHTER
There's plenty in there.
And so to the inevitable backbone
of QI, General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers if you please.
Name a vertebrate with no backbone.
Nick Clegg.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Whey!
A popular answer.
- Er... - A vertebrate without a
backbone? - It seems an impossibility.
- But there is something that
is classified as a vertebrate that
has no backbone. - Worms? - No, a big...
- Like a whale or something?
- Well, it's not a mammal.
It is a fish, though. Big fish.
- Eel. - Dolphin? - Er, a dolphin
isn't really a fish, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
- Well, it looks like one.
- It looks like one, I agree.
- Stingray. - Well, stingrays and mantas
don't have them, but it's the shark.
Sharks are classified
as vertebrates.
They neither have ribcages
nor do they have backbones.
They have things that
look very like a backbone,
but they're half the weight of bone,
they're cartilaginous matter
with connective tissue.
You can see a cross-section.
- He doesn't look very happy.
- No. It's a very cross section.
LAUGHTER
You see the thing behind his eye
going all the way back to his tail,
along his back
that looks like a bone?
LAUGHTER
- Yes. - I'm just saying...
- I know. It's not actual bone,
though. It's cartilaginous matter.
Cartilage,
as we would say in England.
LAUGHTER
- That's all I have to say on that
subject. So, there we are. - Fine.
- Let that be an end to it! - Yes.
LAUGHTER
What's the strongest creature
for its weight in the world?
- Is it Johnny?
LAUGHTER
- Geoff Capes. - Geoff Capes?
There is a stronger man than Geoff
Capes in the world at the moment.
- Zydrunas Savickas, who can... - Can he
pull a lorry along with his teeth?
A 70-tonne plane.
But that's only 411 times his own
weight and it has to have wheels.
This creature can pull a force equal
to 100,000 times its body weight.
When I say creature,
I mean, it is a living thing,
- but it's not even an insect, it's
tinier. - Our old friend bacteria.
It's a bacterium.
It's a bug in that sense.
And it's not one you want to catch.
It's one that would be most
unwelcome in the trouser department.
- Crab. - No, no, no, it's an actual
bacterium, not an insect.
- Gonorrhoea. - Gonorrhoea is the right
answer. - The strongest thing
in the world? - Yep, the gonorrhoea...
It pulls down your pants and...
LAUGHTER
- Oh, that's your excuse
for catching it. - Seriously, love,
I didn't stand a chance.
Stripped me bare!
Do you know how strong they are?
They have these bundles of long,
thin, contractile filaments
called pilis...
- Why is all that toast on screen?
- They use these to crawl
and they can pull along
100,000 times their weight,
which is a very small weight.
Do you know what the cure
for gonorrhoea used to be?
- Er... - Yeah. They'd put
a sort of umbrella up the urethra,
press a button to open the umbrella
inside the shaft
and then pull out...
- We've heard it all.
We don't need to hear it.
- I'd like to hear it. Tell us again.
LAUGHTER
You can only do it
if they're in your house.
If you had a particularly
unsympathetic doctor,
he'd then jump around the room going
# I'm singing in the rain
LAUGHTER
Yes.
And he'd splash in your own tears.
LAUGHTER
They then cover it in chocolate
and sell it as ants.
LAUGHTER
Oh, dear me. Yeah.
That's enough of gonorrhoea, I feel.
What do oystercatchers mainly eat?
BUZZER
- Yes? - Oysters?
Ohh!
ALARM BLARES
- They're just misnamed,
oystercatchers. - What do they catch?
- Is it other shellfish?
- Yes. Cockles and mussels, mostly.
- Are they not very good at catching
oysters? - They just love a cockle.
Who doesn't, pet? Who doesn't?
LAUGHTER
- Are they mainly cockneys?
- A huge percentage of European ones
are in Britain.
And the amount they catch
is astonishing. Each oystercatcher
can get 500 cockles a day
and given that half of the European
population is in Britain,
that's more than 300,000 birds,
that's a potential
seasonal consumption
of 8.9 million tonnes of cockles.
- I love a cockle.
- I love cockle. In vinegar.
- With a stick.
- Yep. That's it. Gorgeous.
- From a man in a little mobile kiosk.
- A little hint of grittiness
sometimes.
- Bit of vinegar. - Yep. Anyway,
which animal has the most genes?
Des Lynam.
LAUGHTER
Jeremy Clarkson.
ALARM BLARES
Ohh!
APPLAUSE
Ohh.
That's unfortunate.
It's to do with the age,
it's not to do with the complexity.
It's Jeremy Clarkson, then.
LAUGHTER
- Isn't it some plant that has
loads more genes than us? - Yes.
There are quite a few things
that have more genes than us.
The fruit fly has many more.
- This is a little water flea.
- Don't they think
that's because of the age?
- It's just been around for so long,
it's mutated all these different
times? - 8,000 more genes than us.
It's quite a lot.
It doesn't do much. It lies around.
It carries its own umbrella.
LAUGHTER
It's a very important part
of the food chain in water.
- It's eaten by fish and...
- You can imagine the fish going,
"Mm, taste those extra genes!" - Yes!
Now, why are moths
attracted to light?
FANFARE
- 'Nobody knows!' - Oh, Alan! Well done!
You're good at this.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Very good!
- Well, I just feel that it would've
come up, someone would've told me.
Yes, you're right.
There are various theories.
One is that they're used to the moon
and that other sources of light
disorient it
- and they use the moon for navigation
and... - It does seem odd that
they only come out at night.
- If they saw the sun, they would love
it. - Yes, you'd think! - It would be...
LAUGHTER
If they got up in the morning,
they'd go, "Look at that!"
- Cos the amount they love
my bedside lamp... - Exactly.
I mean, they love my beside lamp,
but the sun is significantly bigger
than my bedside lamp.
Maybe that's why they don't,
cos if they went for the sun,
they would all just go for the sun
and then fly into the atmosphere
and that would be a disaster.
Some people believe different
sources of light confuse
their navigation system
and others think that the moth
may think the light is the moon,
others think the infrared spectrum
from things like candles
may contain a few of
the same frequencies of light
that are given off by a female
moth's pheromones. But they're all
theories. No-one really knows.
I like their ambition. They think
it's the moon and they go, "I could
make it. Look at these. Come on!"
If you try and catch one,
if you're trying to kill it
like I do, cos it's in the house,
and then you turn the light off,
I always feel really guilty
cos it's as if they go...
SHE SIGHS
LAUGHTER
So, nobody knows.
And that mystery brings us to
the eternal mystery of the scores
and how fascinating they are.
In a resolute last place with
minus-24, it's Mr Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Almost teetering on the brink
of plusness is Alan with minus-1!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Minus-1.
And Sarah Millican's
first performance has been
astonishing with plus-2!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But tonight's winner with plus-4
is Johnny Vegas!
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ohh! That's all from Jimmy,
Johnny, Sarah, Alan and me,
apart from this final word
from Bill Vaughn.
"We hope that when the insects
do take over the world,
"they will remember with gratitude
how we took them along
on our picnics." Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well!
Goooood evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening.
And welcome to QI for a show
that's all about insects
and other invertebrates.
Let me introduce
our completely spineless panel.
Busy as a bee, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Snug as a bug, Sarah Millican.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Knee-high to a grasshopper,
Johnny Vegas.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And banging his head fruitlessly
against a window, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So before we begin, we should hear
your buzzes. Jimmy goes...
FLY BUZZING
Ooh, it's annoying.
- Sarah goes...
CRICKETS CHIRP
- Aw!
Johnny goes...
MOSQUITO BUZZES / LAUGHTER
And Alan goes...
MOSQUITO BUZZES
SPLATTING
Now, don't forget,
there are some questions
to which nobody knows the answer.
FANFARE
'Nobody knows!'
If you play your joker
to a question to which nobody knows
the answer you get extra points.
If you use it at the wrong time,
you look like a bit of a tit.
LAUGHTER
- So, to question one. - Right.
LAUGHTER
What's the point?
LAUGHTER
Aw!
What do bees do better than dogs?
BUZZER
Yes, Jimmy.
Make honey.
LAUGHTER
That's probably true, I have to say.
Probably true! You're giving me
probably on making honey.
OK, if that's the way
you want to play it.
- I'll give you that one. - Thank you
very much. I'm already in the lead.
LAUGHTER
They're better at sneaking up on you
than dogs are. You'd never know
if a bee had sniffed your crotch.
LAUGHTER
Well, you might not.
- There'd be a buzzing noise.
But oddly enough, you used
the word there... - Is it crotch?
LAUGHTER
No.
- Sniffing?
- Sniffing. We use dogs to sniff,
- to sniff in customs
and for security... - Sniffer bees!
..for explosives and drugs.
It takes a dog about three months
at least to be trained
to be a sniffer dog.
It takes a bee ten minutes.
All you have to do
is put it in a box,
add the smell and some sugar
simultaneously, do that a few times,
and it will instantly associate that
smell with sugar and a reward and
next time it comes across the smell,
its proboscis will come out
and if you set it all up right,
it will cause an alarm.
- So why aren't we in airports killing
bees, then? - It's beginning to happen.
Unless drug dealers
have an allergy to stings,
I can't see them being pinned up
against the wall by a policeman...
LAUGHTER
..with a bee on a bit of kite twine.
There's a company called Inscentinel
which has developed this
and it is beginning to be used
by the military and airports
and various others.
You pop a bee in a little box
and you train it.
That's not a little box, that's like
the worst rucksack ever invented.
LAUGHTER
What if they like savoury stuff?
What if they haven't got
much of a sweet tooth?
The great thing about bees
is they only like sugar.
There may be a rogue bee
that likes meat or salami,
and that would be useless.
- Pasties? - Pasties. - He wouldn't be able
to do that as a job. - A Cornish bee.
LAUGHTER
You shove a few in a box
and then waft them near the thing
you want them to check, there it is.
That's not a bad idea cos that's
the old joke about the best way to
smuggle drugs being in a dog's bum.
Because when the sniffer dogs
come through...
LAUGHTER
..as soon as the dog sniffs,
you just go, "Come here, you!
Naughty little thing."
- But with bees, how much could you get
in a bee's bum? Very little.
- Very little.
My dad once punched a bee.
- Punched a bee?
- Yeah, it went for him, and it was
huge, so he just punched it.
He said it was like
a velvet tennis ball.
LAUGHTER
A rather beautiful phrase,
velvet tennis balls of the sky.
I like that he was thinking of
such poetic things
when he was punching a bee.
- Bees are valuable and they are
in trouble. There seems to be...
- That one was.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to offer you a reward.
I've got a plate here
of insect-related foods, Sarah,
and you can choose your reward. This
is a lolly which has got ants in it.
This is a scorpion brittle,
like a peanut brittle,
only with a scorpion in it.
I don't know if you can see it.
Or just some dried bugs here.
Would you like one of those?
And where is the treat part?
LAUGHTER
- Chocolate ant, would you like
a chocolate ant? - I'll suck it.
- Would you? - No.
LAUGHTER
- Are you going to risk any of these?
- Erm, I'll have a look at them.
- If I had a chocolate ant, would you?
- Er, I'll let you go first. - I've eaten
it. There it is. - I'm not really
bothered, to be honest with you. - Ah!
LAUGHTER
You made me eat it!
APPLAUSE
- Well, I want more bravery,
because these are treats.
- I don't even eat brown bread.
Don't give things like that to us.
- You think of brown bread as being
some sort of strange life form
that's... - Well, it's unnecessary.
LAUGHTER
If that's a new range of pick 'n'
mix, no wonder Woolies went under.
LAUGHTER
It may well be the world is going
to turn towards this kind of food
because 2.5 billion
of the world's population
already regularly eat insects.
Is that just by mistake
when you're on a bike?
LAUGHTER
These are treats and it may well be
that it will solve the problem.
By the year 2030,
they reckon there will be
such a shortage
of protein on the planet
that there will be a genuine problem
of starvation. There's already
a problem with starvation
but it will multiply enormously
as the population increases.
And insects and other invertebrates
may be the answer.
- Spider is genius. Like chicken legs
but they have loads of them. - Yes!
What do you think are the advantages
of eating and breeding insects
for food?
You get to pretend to be a giant.
LAUGHTER
A giant of commerce.
And you can train them all to come
and exercise in front of you
and get them to build tiny cars.
LAUGHTER
- Well, there is that. - And I'll say,
"Call me Johnny Nissan!"
LAUGHTER
- In the wild, when they lay eggs,
they lay billions. - That's right.
Only a few of them survive.
But if you've got them,
you can have all billion of them.
Yeah, exactly. And they need
far less feed than cattle.
They produce far less noxious gas
than cattle.
But how would you contain the
insect equivalent of foot-and-mouth?
LAUGHTER
- That would be a problem.
- "Have you been near a fly?" "Yes."
"Leave the airport."
If you're trying to get this as an
idea, this could solve starvation,
could you maybe pick a picture
of a guy that looks less nuts?
LAUGHTER
If you're trying to market it,
if he's meant to be
Captain Birdseye of the insect world,
he couldn't look any creepier.
LAUGHTER
He looks as if he's auditioning
to play the master
in the original Dr Who.
Even the frame in the picture
looks like he's about to black out.
LAUGHTER
- And the spider.
- "They're good for you."
HE MOANS
"My vocal chords are swelling up."
- There is no reason not to eat them.
- "I expect you to die, Mr Bond."
LAUGHTER
- Sorry. - Shrimp is essentially
the same thing. It's just in the sea.
That one is on land. - Exactly.
- They are delicious. - We eat shrimp
if there's a special on at Iceland.
LAUGHTER
STEPHEN COUGHS
- Excuse me. - Take a moment.
- It may be that ant. - It's the ant!
LAUGHTER
Oh, no, they're delicious,
they could solve the problems
of starvation...by killing us all.
LAUGHTER
I have got a problem in my throat.
Look at that man looming over you
going, "At last, I got you, Fry."
- Maybe that was a mistake.
- There's one brave ant. "We're
going to cover you in chocolate,
"we'll put you in front of
Stephen Fry, you're going to
go down there and sort things out."
- "Once you're inside, release it."
- I've eaten those.
They've got a terrible bitter
aftertaste, the smoked insects,
the little ants. I had them
at Bug World in Liverpool.
Were you supposed to eat them?
Cos isn't that like a zoo?
Is it shut now
because you ate everything?
LAUGHTER
- That giant snail was a mistake.
LAUGHTER
- It looked like a burger.
- Oh! - You're offered a bit at the end.
But then you're not meant to go back
on a frenzy and break the others.
Just with a different hat on
every time.
I like a zoo where there's a buffet
on the way out. Panda burger anyone?
LAUGHTER
Go to the Natural History Museum
just lifting the cases.
LAUGHTER
I've also got acid reflux,
I have to say. One little ant.
Here am I supposed to be advertising
it as the future of humanity,
and I have to say,
I feel like shit at the moment.
LAUGHTER
That has not gone down well.
APPLAUSE
The meat marketing board are
watching this at the moment going,
"Die! Die!"
LAUGHTER
Talking of bees and dogs,
do you know the premier site
on the internet for dogs
that are dressed as bees?
LAUGHTER
The best one? My favourite
or the most popular one?
Can you imagine a bee flying back
and going, "I've found the queen!"
LAUGHTER
"I've found the mother
of all queens!"
I've got a little extra question
for you. I was going to offer you
a reward of a chocolate ant,
but I suspect there'd be no takers.
I think I've got a leg
stuck between my teeth.
There are hundreds of ants
coming across the studio floor.
LAUGHTER
How can you tell if your dog
has a guilty conscience?
Is there a particular... Aww.
Look at that boxer.
- Is it that your slippers are full?
- Your slippers are full?
- I was trying to put it in a nice way.
Of shit. - I know what you mean.
LAUGHTER
I know what you're saying.
I think they go
in the opposite direction.
What a dog does
with a guilty conscience
is make a massive fuss of you.
- Ah, very interesting.
- More than usual.
- To try and make you love it
and to make up...
- I thought that was husbands.
LAUGHTER
When you say a guilty conscience,
do they have a...
That's a point. The answer
should've been nobody knows.
The people who own dogs
think they can recognise
a guilty look in their dog,
but they've done a number of tests
in which they have told their owner
their dog has done
this particular thing
and the owner has said, "Oh, yes,
that's its guilty look, I recognise
that" and it hasn't done anything.
It's all in the mind of the owner.
I've still got a little scaly
something in the back of my throat.
- Have a bit of scorpion brittle
to take it away.
- Take the edge off, yeah.
I was so looking forward
to being brave and butch
and taking this insect.
Revolting! There it is. Oh,
a little wing casing or something.
- AUDIENCE: Ohhh! - Very unpleasant.
Dogs can identify guilt in people.
- Yes, can they? They probably can.
- Yeah, they can.
- If you come in... - Certainly in
airports, but bees are better at it.
LAUGHTER
That's very good. Now, why aren't
there any vegan Venus flytraps?
- Yes, Sarah?
- Maybe there are, but people
don't invite them round for dinner
cos it's too complicated.
LAUGHTER
That's a very good answer.
Would you like a reward?
No, thank you.
LAUGHTER
- Ohh. - Vegan? - Yes.
- Are you all right?
- No, I'm not all right.
Suppose a leaf fell in,
why don't they eat the leaf?
Cos hasn't it got...
I had one of these when I was a kid.
- Hasn't it got to hit two of them
within a certain time frame?
- Absolutely right.
They have a sort of time system
on these tiny hairs,
you can see it here.
Poor little thing.
- And then it just does another
movement and bang. - Ooh.
- And it is really... - Do you know what
the coolest thing about them is?
When that closes,
that bit there is the stomach.
It just closes really tight
and then that becomes the stomach.
And all the digestive juices
absorb the little animal.
It has a design fault, then.
If you were one of those plants
and you were starving
- but you had a mouthful of lettuce...
- Yes. - ..it would never know.
- No. - It would starve to death
rather than eat a salad. - Exactly.
LAUGHTER
Because the salad didn't move
- in the right way. - You have
so much in common with these.
LAUGHTER
- If you fell asleep next to one
of them for long enough... - Yes?
..and it closed on your finger,
would it be able to digest
part of your finger?
I'm going to send you one
and you will do the experiment.
LAUGHTER
And let us know. You could try your
knob, as well. It'd be funnier.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- In the cause of science.
- I couldn't...
APPLAUSE
- It would be a penis flytrap then.
- Aww!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Well, we'll see.
- You're considering it. - Yeah.
LAUGHTER
There are other exciting ways
of catching insects.
- You know the South American bolas,
like a sling that you swing round?
- Yeah.
There's a spider that does
the same thing to catch insects.
There, look at that.
It's very clever.
- It swings this...
- That's not real, it's just a drawing.
LAUGHTER
I admit, we don't actually
have a photo of it.
I'll tell you why you don't have
a photo. Because you made it up.
It's not even a good picture.
That isn't even a good spider.
It's a heart-shaped thing.
You started off doing a heart, it was
probably a love letter, then you
went, "I'll put some legs on it".
I'm very sorry. But do look it up
on the net. I'm sure you'll find
a photograph. The bolas spider.
- And he's doing this, is he?
- He makes a sort of lasso.
- He lassos the insect
- and then he does...
- He goes, "Yee-hah!"
LAUGHTER
- It does seem crazy,
but nature is crazy.
- And then he drinks in a saloon. - Yes.
What's the best way to charm a worm?
There's a worm.
How would you charm a worm?
You tap, don't you?
Because when it rains, they come up.
Birds do that when they jump
up and down, they make a noise
like rain and they come up.
Yes, actually, what they think
is that there is a mole nearby.
And the earthworm's way of escaping
is to come to the surface,
because moles don't come up.
- Are they not friends?
I imagine they would be friends.
- No, Moley and Wormy, not friends.
- Moley eaty Wormy. - I'm going to stop
you there, because in my mind,
they are quite good friends. - Aww.
They live underground
and they have a terrific old time.
Could you charm a worm
with a tiny flute?
Well, it's good you should say this
because worm charming is a big,
I won't say industry,
but it is a big pastime, both
in America and in this country.
There is the commercial side of it.
- Erm, because... - Oh, for God's sake!
- I know.
LAUGHTER
I know you've got
your "get a life" look on.
LAUGHTER
- And I do know what you mean, but...
- I really have.
There's nothing that discernable,
is there? When you go,
"Hi, you've got lovely..."
- Oh, you mean charming them in that
sense. - No eyes. - They have a little
saddle, that can be attractive.
- But that's that myth, that that's
where they've been cut in half.
- Oh, I see, and re-grown. Yes.
- Something happened between...
- You can chop them in half. You can do
it with any animal. - Yeah, but they...
LAUGHTER
They don't join back together.
No, they can't. It's a myth.
But in America they call it
grunting, worm charming,
and it's reasonably big business
because Americans love to fish,
and obviously bait shops need worms
as well as maggots as...
- The girl in the foreground is
tapping the ground with flip-flops.
- She is.
She's got flip-flops on
so she's taken extra flip-flops.
LAUGHTER
- She's only done it to annoy you.
- It looks like a car boot sale
where everyone forgot the cars.
LAUGHTER
They've been Photoshopped
out of the picture.
APPLAUSE
It does rather, doesn't it?
- What it is, in Britain, the sport,
if I can call it that...
- You may not!
..involves dozens of competitors.
Oh, my God!
- Is that a worm on her T-shirt?
- She has a worm on her shirt!
- I don't know if that's a worm. I
don't think we should look at that.
- Oh, dear.
- You have to lure as many worms...
- Ken Dodd on the right.
- ..as you can in 30 minutes.
- With a recorder? - Well, with anything
you choose. You can just tap...
And why the time constraint, is that
because you're out on day release?
LAUGHTER
Possibly.
The low point was in Woodhall.
The Woodhall worm charming festival
in Lincolnshire,
none of the entrants in August 2010
- managed to lure a single worm.
- This is the worm-charming festival,
isn't it?
Were those people inside at the time,
were they in a building?
Yeah, it was raining, they had to
do it in the church hall.
LAUGHTER
- That would explain it.
- I'm getting nothing.
LAUGHTER
How do they decide the winner
if nobody actually lured any worms?
Well, a spokesman said
they were all winners
because they raised more than £200
for the Woodhall Spa Twinning
Association. I don't know
who Woodhall is twinned with.
I don't think it's twinned
with anywhere.
I think they had a suicide pact.
LAUGHTER
Why has she got string on her fork?
What's going on with these people?
That's her fork, like when you're
at the airport, with your case
going round, you put a ribbon on.
At least when you go trainspotting,
there are trains.
LAUGHTER
That's the best thing.
The trainspotters are stood
on the hill going, "Losers!"
LAUGHTER
"Get a life!"
APPLAUSE
- Oh, dear. It's true. - "Keep digging,
Cynthia, they're only jealous."
LAUGHTER
Well, the fact is, yes,
you can vibrate worms to the surface
by pretending to be a mole.
Now, when would you go out with
a bucketful of ladybirds?
What about if you had
a bit of spare time and your hobby
was collecting ladybirds?
LAUGHTER
- Yes. - Would that work? - It might.
But why do we like ladybirds?
- Don't they kill, er... - Greenfly.
- Greenfly, yeah. They are very good
pest controller animals.
- Are you sure they're not pests?
I think they might be. - Well,
they're a pest if you're an aphid.
- But... - I thought you said
if you were an atheist.
LAUGHTER
That's a fantastic idea.
Those ladybirds, proving
the existence of God again.
LAUGHTER
There must be a god
because they're so adorable.
Well, they're sold on the internet
to gardeners
- and the idea is that they help you
with your aphid control problem.
- So they're all alive in a bucket?
Yeah. There are all kinds of insects
you can buy. I remember buying
for a conservatory,
you can buy gall wasps,
I think they were,
because there was some sort of pest
I had in the conservatory.
Did they just ring the bell?
Two wasps turned up?
LAUGHTER
"We're here about the aphids."
LAUGHTER
"Where do you want us?"
No, ladybirds are very helpful,
obviously,
but the problem with them is,
if you order them on the internet
and you get a bucketful,
if you release them,
they'll simply fly away.
So there's a secret to it.
You release them at night
cos they don't fly at night.
So you release them into your garden
at night and they go to work.
Then during the day,
they may fly away, but they may
by then have eaten your aphids.
- Why don't they fly at night?
- They prefer not to.
- Can't see where they're going.
- We don't have an answer to that.
- My mum used to be like that driving.
Didn't like it.
Why not just
go through them individually
and break a bit of wing?
LAUGHTER
- And then keep them in your garden?
- You do want them to fly a bit.
Well, that's why I said break a bit.
I didn't say snap both.
LAUGHTER
Break a bit so they can have
a bit of aspirational flight,
but they can't escape.
- That's cruel. - Well, I paid for them
online. It's not like I go out
picking on random ladybirds.
- Slavery is what it is.
- Yes. - No, no, no.
What it is, it's about
getting your money's worth.
LAUGHTER
A bucketful of ladybirds.
Now, how did the thing with the
amazing eyes escape from the tank?
Look at that.
It's known as a mantis shrimp,
although it isn't a true shrimp.
- It's a crustacean.
- It doesn't sound like anything.
- It looks amazing, doesn't it?
Are those the eyes on the top?
The top bits are the eyes,
which are extraordinary because
they're divided into three.
- So they have three types of vision
in each eye. Look at it.
- Like bifocals? - Yes, they are.
They've got two of these eyes, but
even more than that, they have power
that is almost beyond belief.
- They can cut through glass.
- Hang on, this is sounding
like Saturday morning kids' TV.
- Power beyond belief. - They do! It's
extraordinary... - Is it the power
of prayer, Stephen? Do they pray...
LAUGHTER
Do they pray to get out of the tank
to the little baby Jesus?
They're mantis shrimps,
but not praying mantis shrimps.
Nice though, come on!
LAUGHTER
They can accelerate, they can
accelerate through the water at
10,000 times the force of gravity,
which causes the water in front of
them to boil. I know it sounds mad.
- That's how extraordinary they are.
- It seems like a disadvantage cos when
you stop, you're in boiling water.
LAUGHTER
"I seem to have cooked myself."
So they cook themselves?
They have this amazing power.
They have been known
to break out of aquarium glass
with one strike of their claw.
- They can actually break the glass
and get out of their aquariums.
- Have we got footage of this?
- I can show you one punching its
prey. - It had better have a "Kapow!"
That's it on the left there.
And this is obviously
massively slowed down.
- And there it... Bang! - Ooh.
And that was a really...
There you go...
That is insect domestic violence.
LAUGHTER
It really is.
They're very powerful creatures.
They have three sections of each
eye. They can see ultra-violet,
infrared, polarised,
and are the only creature on earth
that can see
circularly-polarised light.
- Does that mean they can watch Avatar
without the glasses? - Yes.
LAUGHTER
That's exactly what it means,
basically.
They're very remarkable creatures.
- Where do they live? - Vietnam,
that's where you find them.
- Would you like to see a shrimp on a
running machine? - More than you know!
LAUGHTER
- Take a look at this.
- It's the Iceland research facility.
LAUGHTER
- Aw! How good's that?
- It's very good, isn't it? - They've
not got it with a stop button.
No, I know, it doesn't have control.
Do you know, they can go three hours
before they get exhausted?
What has he got on the iPod?
- Yeah.
- He does look much slimmer than he did
at the beginning of the footage.
There are various excuses
that scientists have given
for why they're doing that to them.
Was it mainly boredom?
LAUGHTER
I was kicked out of there for just
breaking one wing on a ladybird,
and look what they're doing.
Are they doing any research
into Marie Rose sauce?
LAUGHTER
Because you need the two together,
in a wine glass.
It's like shrimp horse-jumping.
When the white line comes round,
it jumps.
Oh, does it? Oh, yes!
LAUGHTER
- Oh! - Whey!
LAUGHTER
And he's coming up here now
on the third turn.
LAUGHTER
And he's looking strong.
He's not looking bad.
He's lost his jockey
but he's still in the race.
LAUGHTER
The man responsible is called
Professor David Scholnick
of Pacific University in Oregon.
- He gives his name out? - Yes.
LAUGHTER
He said, "These studies will give us
a better idea of how marine animals
can perform in their native habitat
"when faced with increasing
pathogens and immunological
challenges". How I've no idea.
- We have to take his word for it.
- I'm waiting to see a crab
with some dumbbells.
LAUGHTER
It is strange, when you look at that,
because the shrimp is an insect,
but we quite happily eat that.
- Pick the legs off it, take the head
off. - I know. And lobsters and things.
As you say,
we'll happily eat them as a treat.
But these... Oh, God.
LAUGHTER
It's not done me any favours.
And I felt so confident.
I was going to have the scorpion,
as well, but I'm not now.
LAUGHTER
- I'll have the scorpion. - Would you
like the scorpion? - I'll have it.
- Oh, my dear fellow. There you are.
- You mean you're going to take it...
- I've had those. The aftertaste
is just horrendous.
It's there for hours.
But I'll have that.
- Yeah? Are you going to eat it now
in front of us? - If I put it all
in my mouth, it might...
- I'll break it in half. - Good idea.
- Make it manageable. - Yep.
- # Half the poison, half the fun
LAUGHTER
- Ready? - God, it...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's God telling me something,
isn't it?
- Wow, that is one tough... - I think
the scorpion might be alive. I think
it might be like Han Solo. - Hey!
- Not any more, it's not.
- Erm... Tail end or front?
I would go for the front. The tail
end might have a sting in it.
- Always ask a lady. - Hey!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ohh!
James Carr!
Well, you could hardly
break the thing, so...
LAUGHTER
Come back in nine hours.
LAUGHTER
Oh, you're having one, too!
Good for you!
- Excellent. - I've been licking the
brittle and I'll be there all night.
I was eating it like a Club biscuit.
LAUGHTER
- Licking all the chocolate off. - Is it
quite sweet? It's basically sugar.
- It's horrible.
- I can't feel my toes. - Oh, dear.
LAUGHTER
It's like hemlock.
It just works all the way up.
It's like bonfire night with death.
LAUGHTER
Go on, Sarah, you know you want to.
- You've got to be joking.
- Have a lick anyway.
- Is this what you had, the chocolate
ant? - Sarah, just think, what if we
all develop superpowers as a result?
LAUGHTER
Ohh!
LAUGHTER
Ohhh...
- Alan had the ant.
- How could you eat that?
- He has the power!
- You saw what it did to me.
- He has the power of nausea!
LAUGHTER
- Ohh! - That is absolutely repellent.
- As soon as you break the chocolate,
if whiffs. - I know, it's not nice.
Something's happening.
Something's happening!
LAUGHTER
Whey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my word!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Something... - Power of the scorpion!
LAUGHTER
Can I ask, are scorpions known
for forward rolls?
LAUGHTER
- Definitely. - Oh, yes, Sarah,
you're showing your ignorance there.
LAUGHTER
- I've tried a scorpion and I've tried
an ant. - Well done. - And that's it.
- All right. - That's like the start
of a really bad musical.
BOTH: # I tried a scorpion,
I tried an ant
# And that's it
LAUGHTER
# Try a bug, try a bug, no
LAUGHTER
- I mean...
- # Now I'm an insect sycophant
LAUGHTER
- Have you had anything, Sarah?
- No. - You should try an ant.
- I think you should have an ant.
Well, you're not me mam, so...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You might all end up
with superpowers,
but you'll need somebody to save.
- That's true. - No, we'll need somebody
to push us round.
LAUGHTER
- We'll need some home help once we
get our superpowers. We'll all be
delirious. - That'll be champion.
- Oh, good.
- Remember, never put anything in
your mouth that hasn't been boiled.
I thought that was
an old mother's thing.
My mam said
you don't have to put anything
in your mouth you don't want to.
LAUGHTER
That was my sex chat.
- That was your sex chat? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER
She didn't mention your vagina,
then? Just your mouth.
LAUGHTER
Well...
LAUGHTER
Oh, no!
LAUGHTER
I don't know what came over me.
APPLAUSE
- This is my first time on the show!
- I know.
Don't make me put a scorpion
up me nunny.
LAUGHTER
Sarah, if you would just entertain...
I'm not saying now,
I'm not saying now,
but if you did five minutes before
an gynaecological appointment
and you went,
"I've got a bit of an itch..."
LAUGHTER
You would be the subject
of a medical paper
that would be published
around the world!
- Wow. Fame.
- You would be the miracle woman.
- Anyway... - That shrimp is now looking
like it's going, "Hurry up".
LAUGHTER
"Is there another round? Cos I don't
think I've got another jump in me."
LAUGHTER
Apparently it'll take him
three hours to get exhausted.
Anyway, from shrimp mills to ant
mills. What does an ant mill do?
- Is it like ground ants? - Ground ants?
- Delicious. - Would you like some
ground ant? - Do they make bread? - No.
No, what happens is, occasionally
they lose the pheromone trail
that the leaders have and they start
following each other in a circle
and the circle
just goes round and round
and round and round until they die.
- They just get completely stuck.
- What, like an ultimate conga? - Yes.
LAUGHTER
HE SINGS CONGA
I'm knackered!
There was one observed in the 1920s.
It was 1,200 feet in circumference.
It took two and a half hours for
an ant to complete a whole circuit
and they were just going
round and round and they just
follow the one in front.
- Like dads at a wedding. - Yes!
LAUGHTER
If one of them was a bit down
and wanted to take
some others with it...
Yes! It could lead them
on a false trail.
- Absolutely. - Cool.
- Wouldn't that be beastly?
I've got a rule. If it comes in my
house then I'm allowed to kill it.
- Right. - Trespassing.
So how many Jehovah's Witnesses
have you...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Yeah. You're laughing, but...
LAUGHTER
- Yeah. Four. - Under the floorboards.
But if it's outside,
I have to leave it alone,
cos technically I'm in its house.
That's a rather sweet way
of looking at it.
Ants in an ant mill
follow each other round in a circle
until they died.
Why shouldn't you breathe... Excuse
me, what shouldn't you breathe in...
- What shouldn't you breathe in
if you're a stink ant?
- Is it your own...
Your friend's anus.
LAUGHTER
I think that's a general rule.
You don't have to be a stink ant.
LAUGHTER
It's a really weird life cycle,
this.
It's a really creepy
and unpleasant life cycle
that the stink ant is victim of.
It spends its life in the
rainforests of Cameroon
foraging on the ground, eating bits
of leaf mould and generally having
a perfectly reasonable life.
And way up in the canopy somewhere
is this spore.
And occasionally they go "Pssshhh!",
a fungus, and millions
of these things drop down.
And if the ant breathes it in,
it eats the ant from inside
and it starts with the brain
and it sends the ant a bit mad.
And it does something that the ant
would never otherwise do.
It makes the ant climb the tree.
So the ant climbs the tree
and it gets to a certain height
and it's kind of programmed
its brain. It sounds insane.
The ant then puts its mandibles
into the tree and waits to die
and then the spore
keeps growing and growing
and it pushes a shoot out of what
was once the brain of this poor ant,
it's eaten all its other soft parts,
and this great shoot comes out
which produces more spore
that drops down
and drags up more ants.
We've got a picture,
just in case you don't believe me,
of a poor ant...
- You've done a picture of this
happening. - This is a real thing.
This is the ant climbing up,
looking a bit unfortunate. You'll be
able to see, this is it here.
It's been eaten from the inside and
there is the spore growing out of
what was once its brain.
You can see, the rest of its body
has been eaten.
And that is... And there's
that spore growing out
and then it eventually stops
and the whole thing starts again.
- What a weird and cruel thing.
Isn't it? - Aw, that's sad.
It's like when people say,
"There must be a god because
of skylarks and water voles."
You say,
"Yeah, and because of that?"
LAUGHTER
It's called cordyceps,
this particular fungus,
and that's its life cycle,
basically to rain down
onto the forest floor,
get breathed in by an ant, make
the ant go crazy and climb a tree
and complete its cycle.
Or to give it its human name,
Special Brew.
LAUGHTER
That is a good visual representation
of what the hangover's like off it.
LAUGHTER
Ohh, what am I doing up a tree?
LAUGHTER
Agh, my head feels like
I'm growing spores!
LAUGHTER
- Imagine if it happened to people.
- Oh, God. - To see someone, like,
"Oh, no, he's going up a tree".
LAUGHTER
And all the soft tissues get eaten.
You can see, it's not just the
brain, it's all the bits lower down.
- You'd just have to let them go.
- I'd be really gutted
if I breathed it in,
didn't really climb the tree, fell
off and just ended up with a bump.
LAUGHTER
Cos there wasn't enough material
to feed off.
- Aww! - You just wake up
and they go, "What's that?"
and you go, "Oh, nothing".
LAUGHTER
There's plenty in there.
And so to the inevitable backbone
of QI, General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers if you please.
Name a vertebrate with no backbone.
Nick Clegg.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Whey!
A popular answer.
- Er... - A vertebrate without a
backbone? - It seems an impossibility.
- But there is something that
is classified as a vertebrate that
has no backbone. - Worms? - No, a big...
- Like a whale or something?
- Well, it's not a mammal.
It is a fish, though. Big fish.
- Eel. - Dolphin? - Er, a dolphin
isn't really a fish, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
- Well, it looks like one.
- It looks like one, I agree.
- Stingray. - Well, stingrays and mantas
don't have them, but it's the shark.
Sharks are classified
as vertebrates.
They neither have ribcages
nor do they have backbones.
They have things that
look very like a backbone,
but they're half the weight of bone,
they're cartilaginous matter
with connective tissue.
You can see a cross-section.
- He doesn't look very happy.
- No. It's a very cross section.
LAUGHTER
You see the thing behind his eye
going all the way back to his tail,
along his back
that looks like a bone?
LAUGHTER
- Yes. - I'm just saying...
- I know. It's not actual bone,
though. It's cartilaginous matter.
Cartilage,
as we would say in England.
LAUGHTER
- That's all I have to say on that
subject. So, there we are. - Fine.
- Let that be an end to it! - Yes.
LAUGHTER
What's the strongest creature
for its weight in the world?
- Is it Johnny?
LAUGHTER
- Geoff Capes. - Geoff Capes?
There is a stronger man than Geoff
Capes in the world at the moment.
- Zydrunas Savickas, who can... - Can he
pull a lorry along with his teeth?
A 70-tonne plane.
But that's only 411 times his own
weight and it has to have wheels.
This creature can pull a force equal
to 100,000 times its body weight.
When I say creature,
I mean, it is a living thing,
- but it's not even an insect, it's
tinier. - Our old friend bacteria.
It's a bacterium.
It's a bug in that sense.
And it's not one you want to catch.
It's one that would be most
unwelcome in the trouser department.
- Crab. - No, no, no, it's an actual
bacterium, not an insect.
- Gonorrhoea. - Gonorrhoea is the right
answer. - The strongest thing
in the world? - Yep, the gonorrhoea...
It pulls down your pants and...
LAUGHTER
- Oh, that's your excuse
for catching it. - Seriously, love,
I didn't stand a chance.
Stripped me bare!
Do you know how strong they are?
They have these bundles of long,
thin, contractile filaments
called pilis...
- Why is all that toast on screen?
- They use these to crawl
and they can pull along
100,000 times their weight,
which is a very small weight.
Do you know what the cure
for gonorrhoea used to be?
- Er... - Yeah. They'd put
a sort of umbrella up the urethra,
press a button to open the umbrella
inside the shaft
and then pull out...
- We've heard it all.
We don't need to hear it.
- I'd like to hear it. Tell us again.
LAUGHTER
You can only do it
if they're in your house.
If you had a particularly
unsympathetic doctor,
he'd then jump around the room going
# I'm singing in the rain
LAUGHTER
Yes.
And he'd splash in your own tears.
LAUGHTER
They then cover it in chocolate
and sell it as ants.
LAUGHTER
Oh, dear me. Yeah.
That's enough of gonorrhoea, I feel.
What do oystercatchers mainly eat?
BUZZER
- Yes? - Oysters?
Ohh!
ALARM BLARES
- They're just misnamed,
oystercatchers. - What do they catch?
- Is it other shellfish?
- Yes. Cockles and mussels, mostly.
- Are they not very good at catching
oysters? - They just love a cockle.
Who doesn't, pet? Who doesn't?
LAUGHTER
- Are they mainly cockneys?
- A huge percentage of European ones
are in Britain.
And the amount they catch
is astonishing. Each oystercatcher
can get 500 cockles a day
and given that half of the European
population is in Britain,
that's more than 300,000 birds,
that's a potential
seasonal consumption
of 8.9 million tonnes of cockles.
- I love a cockle.
- I love cockle. In vinegar.
- With a stick.
- Yep. That's it. Gorgeous.
- From a man in a little mobile kiosk.
- A little hint of grittiness
sometimes.
- Bit of vinegar. - Yep. Anyway,
which animal has the most genes?
Des Lynam.
LAUGHTER
Jeremy Clarkson.
ALARM BLARES
Ohh!
APPLAUSE
Ohh.
That's unfortunate.
It's to do with the age,
it's not to do with the complexity.
It's Jeremy Clarkson, then.
LAUGHTER
- Isn't it some plant that has
loads more genes than us? - Yes.
There are quite a few things
that have more genes than us.
The fruit fly has many more.
- This is a little water flea.
- Don't they think
that's because of the age?
- It's just been around for so long,
it's mutated all these different
times? - 8,000 more genes than us.
It's quite a lot.
It doesn't do much. It lies around.
It carries its own umbrella.
LAUGHTER
It's a very important part
of the food chain in water.
- It's eaten by fish and...
- You can imagine the fish going,
"Mm, taste those extra genes!" - Yes!
Now, why are moths
attracted to light?
FANFARE
- 'Nobody knows!' - Oh, Alan! Well done!
You're good at this.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Very good!
- Well, I just feel that it would've
come up, someone would've told me.
Yes, you're right.
There are various theories.
One is that they're used to the moon
and that other sources of light
disorient it
- and they use the moon for navigation
and... - It does seem odd that
they only come out at night.
- If they saw the sun, they would love
it. - Yes, you'd think! - It would be...
LAUGHTER
If they got up in the morning,
they'd go, "Look at that!"
- Cos the amount they love
my bedside lamp... - Exactly.
I mean, they love my beside lamp,
but the sun is significantly bigger
than my bedside lamp.
Maybe that's why they don't,
cos if they went for the sun,
they would all just go for the sun
and then fly into the atmosphere
and that would be a disaster.
Some people believe different
sources of light confuse
their navigation system
and others think that the moth
may think the light is the moon,
others think the infrared spectrum
from things like candles
may contain a few of
the same frequencies of light
that are given off by a female
moth's pheromones. But they're all
theories. No-one really knows.
I like their ambition. They think
it's the moon and they go, "I could
make it. Look at these. Come on!"
If you try and catch one,
if you're trying to kill it
like I do, cos it's in the house,
and then you turn the light off,
I always feel really guilty
cos it's as if they go...
SHE SIGHS
LAUGHTER
So, nobody knows.
And that mystery brings us to
the eternal mystery of the scores
and how fascinating they are.
In a resolute last place with
minus-24, it's Mr Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Almost teetering on the brink
of plusness is Alan with minus-1!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Minus-1.
And Sarah Millican's
first performance has been
astonishing with plus-2!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But tonight's winner with plus-4
is Johnny Vegas!
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ohh! That's all from Jimmy,
Johnny, Sarah, Alan and me,
apart from this final word
from Bill Vaughn.
"We hope that when the insects
do take over the world,
"they will remember with gratitude
how we took them along
on our picnics." Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE