QI (2003–…): Season 8, Episode 18 - QI VG: Series H Compilation - Part 2 - full transcript

Well, hello.

Hello, hello, hello,
and welcome to QI

for a bracing dose
of health and safety gone mad.

Speaking of life-saving
devices, I have some here.

And I'd like you to tell me
what you think they're for.

These are the real thing.

And they are there to save lives.

How would that save your life?
Can you see...?

If you look... You've got to look at
your neighbour to see
what you look like

and see if you can work out
how this can be of any use.

JEREMY: Is it for doing complicated
experiments?



Not really a complicated experiment.

It's for dealing with
animals that don't like
being looked at in the eye.

Oh, Alan, you are on sparkling form.
Absolutely right.

What sort of animal might that be?
A bear?

Not a bear, actually,
in this instance.

Some dogs don't like it. Plenty
of animals don't like it. Ants?

Ants? Not so much ants.

It's great that you're trying.

But not ants.

A tiger or a lion?
It's a big primate.

A gorilla? It's a gorilla.

It's a gorilla,

you'll see it has written on the
side of it there, in Dutch,

"De oplossing..."
And then it says, "Bokito kijker",



which means "Bokito viewer".

"Kijken" is to look.

But the trouble with these is it does
look a bit like you're going, "Oh!"

Gorillas like that.

What they don't like
is a long, loving look.

What happened was in Rotterdam Zoo,
this gorilla called Bokito,

and a woman thought
she was bonding with him,

and she would sit and smile,

and gaze lovingly into his big
brown eyes, and that's the worst
thing you can do to a silverback,

to a dominant male.

One day, he just grabbed her.

He leapt over, bit her 100 times
and he broke many of her bones,
shall we say.

She was very nearly killed.
But fortunately, being Dutch...

I'd like to have a pair of these
if I ever get pulled
over for speeding.

"Do you know why you've been pulled
over?" "I've no idea."

We went to the zoo, and my mate Mike,
who's an odd bloke anyway,

we were in the monkey enclosure, and
he was staring at a monkey for ages.

And the monkey stared back at him
and went like this...

Hello!

And what did that mean, do we think?

Well, they're married now, so...

So if you're feeling a bit tired, can
you put them on upside down?
I suppose you could.

So, for weeks and weeks, this woman
had been thinking, "I'm getting on
really well with this gorilla".

And the gorilla's been
thinking, "I hate her."

I'm going to do something,
at some point, I'm going to crack.

But did they check that it wasn't
just an incredibly annoying woman?

Tell me they didn't put
the gorilla down, or anything.
No, he was tranquillised.

After attacking her,
he went into a cafe where
he caused a bit of a sensation.

"Cappuccino. Don't look at me!"

"What would you like, sir?"

"Cappuccino and biscuits?
Certainly, we'll bring it over.

"No, no, it's on us."
"I'm sorry the cappuccino isn't
actually in the cup

"but I'm not really looking
properly." That would be a
nightmare.

Because if you had those on like
that, and the cappuccinos were there,

or the cappuccinos were there,

and the gorilla's going, "Why are you
looking at the cappuccinos there?"

The gorilla would think you were
giving him the shoddy one.

Would dark glasses not do?
They would, they would.

To be honest with you, David,
this was more or less a publicity
gimmick

by a health insurance company.
It was to emphasise the fact, also,

and they gave them out at the zoo,
don't look directly into the eyes
of Bokito the gorilla.

The other option you have is,
you don't have to wear these,

just hide under a picnic table,
and you'll be fine.

I would say so, yes.
Why are they hiding under there?

Because there's a bloody
great gorilla!

Splendid answers,
all round, thank you very much.

Palmistry won't tell you your future
but it can tell you your past in the
form of genetic markers

that were set down while you
were in the womb.

There's somebody
playing with me.

He sort of looks funny
with what you're doing.
There's a piece of wire.

I've been goosed by the palm
of a skeleton. I've been sitting
here for 10 minutes,

thinking, "When shall I do it,
when shall I do it?

"They're talking about palms,
it should be now, it should be now!"

Yay!

You see? It had to end...

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. I just don't know where
this goes.

"Sorry."

"Keith, man,
me head's come off."

Heavens, thank you.
Carry on, carry on.

They actually look a little bit
like the Cheeky Girls.

They do. Yes.

There's some characters behind
me, shifty looking characters.

What were they up to last night?

They were up all night
making a picnic table.

Before you get too insulting,
they're in the studio tonight.

I just thought I would warn you.

They were winning the Mr Handsome
contest. That's more like it.

Were they harming horses?

You know, when people harm
horses, slash horses? No!

It was a night-time covert
activity like slashing horses.

Slashing goats? No, let's assume we
wouldn't invite into the studio
people who maimed animals.

Were they pretending to be gas men?

And thereby sealing
the property of aged people?

No. If I told you this
was in Wiltshire, would that help?

Cathedral stealing!

Grave robbing?
Grave robbing's always...

They drew something rude
on Stonehenge?

They drew something
rude on Stonehenge?

Crop circles! Oh, Alan, well done!
Crop circles, absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

There they are. The equipment needed
for crop circling,

a plank with rope,
but what was the crop circle?

We commissioned them. A QI symbol.

A QI crop circle,
and they did it for us.

It's impressive, we're
rather pleased with it.
Because QI's run by aliens.

Would you like to see it?
I certainly would.
Let's have it,

we went to the expense of having
a travelling aerial shot. Oh!

What do you think of that? Oats!

Extraordinary thing is,
within half-an-hour of its
completion and the dawn rising,

we were contacted.

Someone wanted to know, they said,
"Is it real, or is it man-made?"

You know the Burns address to
the haggis? Yes, it's a poem.

It's a poem which on Burns Night,
at a Burns supper,
somebody would address it.

It comes in...that's obviously
been cut open, as you can see.

Before it's cut, someone addresses
it, and it starts with -

"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

"Great chieftain o' the puddin' race,
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

"Painch, tripe, or thairm.
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm."

Bravo!

APPLAUSE

But...

There it is, being piped in.

But there's somebody I know was
doing a Burns supper abroad

and they had sent
the address over to Germany,
and it was translated into German

but the German translated it back,

and the line instead of, "Great
chieftain o' the puddin' race",

was translated back as, "Mighty
Fuhrer of the sausage people."

Oh, that's fabulous.

You can't fit a square
peg in a round hole,

so how would you make a square
hole with a round drill?

That's the question,
can it be done?

BONG
Yes, Jack Dee?

I would drill four small
holes...don't laugh
before it's happened.

I might surprise you yet.
I'm thinking while I talk.

I would drill four small holes
that would describe a square.
The corners? Corners.

And then with a hacksaw, I would
join them, and knock the square
through, and thus creating a square.

It's a way of punching
a square into the surface.

But there is actually a way of
using a round drill bit.

Well, my way's better.

That would have been brilliant if it
had gone...woo-woo

and every word you said....

One day.

Even the bit where you said...
Don't laugh before you hear it.

There's a particular shape,
a sort of circular triangle,

which, when it revolves,
a part of it makes a square.

A circular triangle!? Well...

Oh, no, no, no,
this is your first time -

this sort of thing happens
all the time on his show.

"It's a sort of circular triangle."

Yeah, and it makes a square.

It's not the fact that I'm
boggled by that, it's the fact that

I now realise there's a possibility
you could have

a Toblerone-Rolo combo. Yes!

Something you've dreamt
about for years.
A Roblerone.

Do you know what will freak you out
completely, Ross Noble?

The name for this
form of triangle is a Reuleaux.

It genuinely is.

LAUGHTER

I'm not joking...

I think you have to have
points for that,

you somehow found a triangle
that was a Rolo.

It's called a Reuleaux triangle,
and it's a very particular shape.

We come on this show
and we discover things,

and tonight I've just discovered
that the best three words to hear

in a Geordie accent are
Toblerone-Rolo combo.

Thanks, now everyone I meet's
going to go,

"Could you say Toblerone, please?

"Go on, Geordie man, dance for us."

You've got to form a band now,
called that.

All right, me and Cheryl Cole?

Her, me and Jimmy Nail as a trio.

"Ladies and gentlemen,
the Toblerone-Rolo combo."

You've got to play the trombone.

The trombone?

My God.

Right, OK, do you want to see
a picture of this Reuleaux triangle?

Is it only available in airports?
Let's roll it.

You see, that's a sort of
round-ended triangle, there it is.

And that is the drill bit,
and it is describing a square,

if you see, exactly.

Isn't that crazy?

How loony is that?

You sicken me.

I use a greasy shampoo.

Do you?
What do you use, Stephen?

I use a sort of normal-
to-intelligent-aristocratic hair...

Did you not find when
they stopped you taking
your shampoo on holiday,

the first three or four
hours of your holiday

you're looking around for a shampoo
in Spain that suits you?

It is a nightmare, isn't it?

And I go, "Bloody Al Qaeda!"

"I don't know what greasy
is in Spanish."

I've got greasy in Spanish
in my dictionary,

but I can't see
it on any of the shampoo bottles,

and I just think,
"I'm on holiday here!

"I'm trying to relax,
and I'm going round finding
a shampoo that works for me!"

And that's Osama Bin Laden's fault!

And when I catch you,
you're going to pay!

Wow.

It really inconvenienced me.

You've got no hair at all.

I've got thick hair!

Where!? What!?

I've got lots of hair!

I've got thick hair, that's thick!
Yeah!

I just don't grow it.

Anyway, you're the last person to
be laughing at my hair!

He's not wandering around Spain for
five days looking for greasy
shampoo, you weirdo!

You can just put your shampoo in your
hold luggage, cut out the problem.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You can't do that.

Yes, you can.

Why have you been...?

Because I cut and run.

When I hit holiday, I don't
stand around like some dummy,

waiting for the carousel to bring
my bag around - I cut and run!

No, I spend five hours
looking for shampoo.

I go out there and get some shampoo.

Why are you sticking up
for Al Qaeda?!

LAUGHTER

What's the matter with you people?!

I'm suffering here,
and you don't care, do you?

You're turning into Michael Caine
more every second.

It's quite disturbing.

I've got something else
to give you here.

I'm going to hand these
blank ?2 coins.

Just try and draw the Queen's
head as she is on the coin.

The Queen's head on a coin?
Yeah, wearing a crown,
you know, an outline.

Which way does she look?

No-one knows.

Don't ask for help.

Oi! Alan Davies, I'm going to take
points away if you cheat.

How do you think
I got through school?

I asked for help.

Is everyone done? Yes.

She looks like Lenny Henry on mine,
unfortunately.

That's all right.

OK, done.

OK, hold them up.

I like it.

Mine looks like a triceratops.

And let's have a look at yours.

Extraordinary.

The point is, you've all -
especially Bill, somehow -

you've all made the fundamental
error that everybody makes,

in thinking she faces left.

She faces right.
KLAXON

You said left!

Because most people think that.

I'm sorry, it's too late now.

88% of people think the
Queen faces left on her coins.

On every coin that ever was stamped
since she was Queen, it's always
faced the right. Never ask for help.

Do they take it in turns?
So did her father face the other way?

Yes. And Prince Charles...

He's full-on with the ears
like that.

They've alternated since Charles II.

But does she not face the
other way on the paper money?

No, on the stamp. All right.

One theory as to why 88% of people
seem to think she faces left is
because she does on the definitive

edition of the stamps, which
we can see here. But on the other

hand, that's true in Denmark -
Queen Margrethe,

they also think she faces left,
but on the stamp she looks out and
on the coin she looks to the right.

If you ask a Dane which way she
faces on their coins, they will say,
as most of us would, left.

It's something to do, probably,
with right-handedness.

We just picture a profile that way.

It's really strange,
cos we handle these things

every day, unless you're Giles when
you have someone to do it for you.

It's bizarre that we just
don't notice, isn't it?

The worst I ever saw,
and it was just me and I did want to
help, was on a cross-Channel ferry.

We've all been there when it's a
terrible storm and everybody was
being sick, really badly sick, and I

went in to the loos and you know the
doors have got those sort of ships'
doors so there's a lip at the bottom?

The entire lavatory was sick and, as
the ship rolled, there was a man,

a businessman, you know,
a suit, a tie,

respectable-looking
man, lying and the sick...

Oh!

..would come across him,
break over his head.

I stood at the door looking at this
sight and he was being sick

and he just looks straight at me
and just went,

"Kill me."

LAUGHTER

And I thought,
"If I had a heart, I would."

Moving on. The
point is, it isn't easy predicting
what the future will look like

beyond saying that hopefully we'll
all have jet packs and smoke pipes.

Sorry, did you just say Beyonce?

Probably. I usually do.

It isn't easy to predict what the
future will look like beyond saying
that hopefully we'll all be riding

round on jet packs and smoking
pipes. He said Beyonce!
Did he not say Beyonce?

APPLAUSE

Where did I say Beyonce?

"Beyond saying." Oh, golly.

Oh.

What are you actually trying to say?
Beyond saying. "It's difficult to

predict what the future would be like
beyond saying..." You can't say

that without saying Beyonce.

You can't! OK.

OK, I'm watching, I'm listening.

It isn't easy to predict what
the future will look like beyond
remarking that hopefully...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You have to get up pretty early
in the morning. He's got the
big money in the middle there.

Now it's time for a round
of quick-fire hypotheticals.

So, all you have to do is tell me
the first thing that comes
into your head, basically.

Let's say you found a
fallen tree in the forest.

Obviously,
it fell down before you arrived,
but did it make a sound as it fell?

Ooh, um... No.

KLAXON BLARES

Well,
no-one's going to say yes, are they?

Yeah, you're right. Do you know
where this question comes from?

It's a famous... Bishop Berkeley.

Yes. If there's no-one to hear
a sound, is there a sound?

It depends so much what you
mean by sound, doesn't it?

Well, there isn't because sound is
the vibration of the eardrum. Is it?

Well,
it depends, though, cos part of the

definition of sound is that there
has to be a recipient for the sound.

There's the thing that makes the
noise and there's the transmission
of the noise and then

the reception of the noise. But if
there's no reception,
maybe the noise doesn't exist.

Other things are still vibrating,
but whether that vibration
counts as a sound or not...

The definition of sound
is what happens in the ear.

There isn't any sound if
there's no-one to hear it.
It's a mooty point.

There's the speed of sound and
it's only what happens in the ear.

How do you get that speed
between that and your ear?

LAUGHTER

No. I'm...

Maybe by the time that tree's
fallen and you've got there, that
sound's halfway round the world

and making someone
else very nervous. "Argh!"

Stephen, are you sure about this?

Well, no-one is sure.
That's why it's a hypothetical.

To a semanticist or a neurologist,
they may say that sound is that, but

to a physicist, they would say the
propagation of sound waves is sound.

Whether or not there is an ear
to vibrate, it is a sound wave.
And if it's a sound wave...

I disagree that they are
sound waves because...

You may disagree, but that's...
You're welcome to.

They only become a sound wave
when there's an ear to receive it.

Do you remember we talked about
that thing that really astonished me?

Did you know that light's invisible?
In a dark vacuum,

if you shoot a beam of
light across the eyeballs like that,

you can't see it, because you
can only see what light hits.

But people said, "But that's a stupid
answer because the definition of

light is something that goes into
your eye and is then received.

Until it does that, it's not light.
Mmm.

But we have all kinds of things
like, not ears, for example.

Are you saying that it's not sound
if it registers on a recording
device that is left there without

a human there, that it's bending
the needle of a recording device?

Does the machine not hear? Is it
not a sound wave that is actually
causing the machine to register?

Yes, but in Bishop Berkeley...
I talked about you, not
about Bishop Berkeley.

The point is, it's not as
simple as just to say yes or no.

Go on, Stephen, go on!

You've got him! You've got him!

APPLAUSE

I've swam with dolphins
as well and it is quite an
extraordinary experience.

SEAN: It's terrible when
they reject you.

That's horrible
and all your family and all your
therapists are standing on the beach

and it's freezing cold
and there's loads of dolphins just
pissing off back to the sea.

And then you look
round and you go, "Hmm...

"I suppose we'd just better carry
on with the medication, then."

No, Sean. If they rejected you...

"I mean, at least we tried.

"Can I have a towel?"

There was a Frenchman who
had nothing better to do than to

electrocute people's faces, in order
to make their lips turn upwards

without their eyes moving.
There we are.

That's what he liked to do.

It's a job.
He's only ten years old, that boy.

"As you can't have real sideburns,
have these electric ones."

His name was Guillaume Duchenne
and he defined a true smile
as having to involve the face

and the eyes and what he discovered
was that you can't control your
eyes, can't make your eyes smile -

it's involuntary - whereas
you can make your lips smile.
Here are some rather

horrifying attempts
to try and make people smile.

These are all the QI researchers.
Bending over backwards for the show.

It's disturbing.

Couldn't he get
a different volunteer?

Poor Barry. Day 60...

Urgh! Day 61...

Uragh!

The second one from the bottom,
looks like the bloke's
come in from the side.

He's been surprised, I suppose.

No, there is actually, Andy,
a third probe you can't see.

Mr Duchenne actually
gave the numbers out. 58 is,
"I forgot my mother's birthday".

61 - "Left the gas on".

That's not "Left the gas on".
That's "I've just trodden
on a cat and it's died".

The real smile is called the
Duchenne Smile, and with only
the mouth smiling, it's known

in the trade of happiness studies,
gelotology, it's known as...
A Gordon Brown.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There have been things like yokes,
you put them on your shoulders.
There, look at that.

Splendid. And it's extraordinary
how much they did give you
a slight advantage.

It looks silly, but I find myself,
more and more,

as I enter my 30s now...
LAUGHTER

..doing that. Yes.

And it makes a hell of a difference.
Take them away, David.

Hello, David... Not yet.

Hello, David, it's lovely to see you.
Now try them. Sorry, what?

Put them there.

Hello, David.

Oh, sush! You see. Practical proof.

He's misunderstanding,
for comic effect, but it's...true.

Hello, David, lovely to see you.

It genuinely makes a difference.

It sounds much better.

That's very disorienting.

And when you talk yourself with them,
you almost fall over.

So don't talk yourself like this.
Also, you look like an idiot.

I feel like I'm in front of myself.
Yes.

What's nice is it also has
a nice warming effect on the ears.

It's really a win win win
win win win win, isn't it?

I find it very comforting,
and also it means you can't hear

all the horrible things
people behind me are saying.

You have to reverse it like that.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I've just had a bizarre
realisation that I know loads
about hedgehogs and I don't know why.

When did that happen?
I think it's rather nice.

You know those tapes that
you get, when you listen to them
subliminally... During the night?

..to learn foreign languages?
I think that Chinese one
was a hedgehog tape.

It was, cos a hedgehog
snuck in and swapped tapes.

Didn't even change tapes.
It just sat by the bed going,
"For many years, we were feared

and despised by the British public
and then along came
Beatrix Potter..."

I'll be getting you back
for the cheese.

I wouldn't call
your hedgehog knowledge "loads".

You know a couple of things,
but compared to what you know
about other stuff, it's loads.

All right,
let's compare my hedgehog knowledge
with your hedgehog knowledge. OK.

OK, Sean, here's a chance for you
to pound him into the dust.

It's a hedgehog slam down!

What do you call a baby hedgehog?

FOGHORN

Tiggy-Winkle Junior.

There is a name. Two names.

A...hoglet.

Yes, it's the right answer!
In your face!

In your face!

Nothing like a
graceful winner, is there(?)
You could have said urchin.

They're also known as urchins.
There's saliva coming out.

Graham. Come with me,
Daniel Radcliffe. Oh, I say.

This did seem like a good idea. So if
you want to kneel down there. Right.

This feels very wrong, doesn't it?

Children are watching and sobbing.

"What's he doing?!"

"He found Dorothy,
now he's killing Harry Potter."

Are you all right there? Yeah.

Daniel, have you finished
both of the Harry Potter films?

It'll be fine, it'll be fine,
it'll be fine.

They can easily finish them
without you.

I'm so bad at this.
I was about to lean through.

Are you all right there?
Are you comfortable?
Yes, it's lovely, thank you.

Nothing can go wrong.
Wouldn't it be awful?

We had the stuff about the bullet
and soon there'll be some story -

"and then Graham got distracted
by a bright light".

Have I done it..?
I think I've done it all right.

You'll live on in films for ever.

DRUM ROLL

Drum roll. OK, here we go.

So, three...two...

AUDIENCE: One...

Argh!

On that bombshell,
ladies and gentlemen...

..it's thanks to Graham
and the late Daniel Radcliffe.

Goodnight!