QI (2003–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - Hocus-Pocus - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.

God rest ye,
merry ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to QI's Christmas party.

To celebrate this most
magical time of the year,

we've conjured up a show
absolutely heaving with hocus-pocus.

Waving their fairy wands
tonight are the bewitching

Graham Norton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The mysterious Lee Mack.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



The wizardly Daniel Radcliffe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And of course, my glamorous
assistant, Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, release your incantations,
gentlemen.

Graham goes...

'Hey presto!'

Very nice. Lee goes...

'Abracadabra!'

Daniel goes...

'Expelliarmus.'

LAUGHTER

And Alan goes...

- CHILD'S VOICE: - 'Please!'
- LAUGHTER



That was the magic word, wasn't it?

So, izzy wizzy, let's get busy
with our first question. What is
the oldest trick in the book?

- LEE: Can we take these off now?
- You can, if you're hot.

Otherwise, I'll have a sudden desire
to sort out my pension.

So, what is
the oldest trick in the book?

'Abracadabra!'

Debbie McGee.

GROANING

Shame on you, Lee Mack!

It's Christmas as well, isn't it?

- It is, yeah. Was that charitable?
- Not really, I take that back.

- OK. - Is it an ancient Greek book?
- Even older.

Ooh - Egyptian? >

- Egyptian is right. - I think
I might... - You might know this?!

Is it about a man called Dedi?

Dedi. How do you know about Dedi?
You're right.

He was a man who did the first
magic trick, which was, I think,

- the decapitation of a goose.
- You're right.

And...tore it off and did it
to impress the king,

and it's in an ancient scroll.

- It is! - Which I do know the name of,
I think I do.

- Go on. - The Westcar Papyrus?

The Westcar Papyrus.
This man is brilliant.

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- How incredible!

I mean, I should say I have had...

Yes, there
is a certain amount of...

- They teach this at Hogwarts?
- Absolutely.

- I don't want you to think... - This
is going to be a very short show!

Next question! I'm not about the
jokes. It's all about points for me.

- All about points. - I'm here to win.

I like that when you
got cast as Harry Potter,
they give you a crash course

in as much wizardry as they
possibly can, then you just topped
it off with a bit of acting.

That's pretty much it.

What part of pulling
a goose's head off is a trick?

- Yes! And then restored it.
- That's the point. That's the point.

Oh, the old
"two geese in my bag" trick?

It was very...

Do you do geese every week?

- He did it for King Cheops
in 2,600 BC. - Cheops, of course(!)

The Great Pyramid of Giza
was the Cheops.

I can imagine King Cheops going,
"Seen it."

He did a goose, a duck,
then he moved on to an ox,

and he would wrench their heads off
and then they would be restored.

You may say, "I want to see
this trick, if it existed."
That's the point,

because it is the oldest trick
in the book, it's recorded then,
all that time ago,

nearly 5,000 years ago,

but it's still done today.
And do you know what?

We have a magician who's going to
come on and show you that trick.

All right?

So... But first - ladies
and gentlemen, it's Christmas time -
we have to summon him.

His name is Scott, so let's say,
"Accio Scott," all right?

It was all so mystical until then.
"His name is...Scott!"

It's Scott Penrose.
He's the vice president
of the Magic Circle.

- So, after three, two, one, we go,
"Accio Scott." Three, two, one...
- ALL: Accio Scott!

- Whoa!
- Oh, my God!

He wasn't there and then
he was there. What happened?!

It's magic, Lee, isn't it wonderful?
Scott, welcome.

- Lovely to see you, sir. - So, I
believe you can do the Dedi trick
that Dan told us about? - Indeed.

- Would you like to do it,
please, with...? - I'll give it
a go with Norman.

Just give it a bit of a pull...

LEE: No, no, no! Argh!

There we go,
just pop his head back on.

- There he goes. - Brilliant.

Fabulous. The sensational Scott
Penrose, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There you are.

The oldest trick in the book.

The other thing, I think,
about that trick,

is that it's the first time a trick
was done that was purely a trick

and that wasn't done as, you know,
some supernatural powers involved.

That was the first thing
that was written down as a trick.

I can do the first half of it.

LAUGHTER

- It's really tricky, the second half.
I practise, I practise, but...
- Just won't go back on?

Won't go back on at all. There's
blood everywhere and my wife's
screaming. Children are running out

- the house, "Where's our budgie?"
It's horrible. - But was it a trick?
So... But...

That was really
the very first trick ever?

That we know of. It's written down.

Surely someone did
"Pull my finger" before that?!

Maybe. The oldest trick in the book
involved pulling the heads
off Egyptian animals.

So, what might go wrong if you tried
to catch a bullet in your teeth?

I say! Is that you, Lee?

That's a good-looking lad,
whoever that is.

- 'Abracadabra!' - Is the danger
that you will end up

turning into one of Britain's
top light entertainers?

So charming.

Something about your teeth
getting knocked out?

Well, there is that danger,
I would imagine. How does it work?

Do you think someone fires
a gun into your face?

No, but if you don't
open your mouth properly,

then the bullet would break
your teeth from the other side?

It's secreted in the mouth,
in some fashion.

There are other dangers
and there have been disasters.

In 1869, Dr Epstein,
who was a magician,

he used to tamp the gun down with
his wand in this magical fashion,

and he left a tiny bit of wand in.
So he had the bullet in his mouth

and when his assistant
fired the gun,

a bit of the wand went out
and killed him.

- So that can happen. - It must have
been amazing being in the audience.

"God, this is good! What's going to
happen now?! There's blood spurting
from the back of his neck."

There was a man called Raoul Curran,
in 1880, made the mistake of doing
the trick in the Wild West.

A drunk fellow said, "If you can
stop a bullet, stop this one"...

and just shot him in the head...

..right in the forehead,
and killed him - stone dead.

- Sort of serves him right, though.
- Yeah, it's a heck of a heckle.

It's a rubbish trick, isn't it?

Everyone who watches it must go,
"Bullet was in his mouth."

- Well... - There's not one bit
where you go, "I wonder
if he caught the bullet?"

- There are some amazing ones, though,
like Penn and Teller do a really...
- Yes. - It's frightening.

They get the bullet from the audience
and, I know it's a trick, but...

You are right. And Penn and Teller
are amongst the best.

There was
a bloke who disembowelled himself.

Quite early on, in days of conjuring
tricks, they were all fairly gruesome
things, like beheading.

The way it would work
was you would have, kind of,
a sheep's intestines

and a prosthetic chest and stomach.
And then behind all of that,
you'd put a metal plate

- and the guy did it one night and he
forgot to put the metal plate on. - Oh!

So he ended up going straight
through himself and then dying.
So, not funny, but true.

- Well, that's important.
- He'll never make that mistake again.

No, he won't. There was a Chinese
performer called Chung Ling So -

he wasn't Chinese, his real name
was Robinson, William Robinson -

but he performed under
Chung Ling Soo and only spoke

a sort of cod Chinese,
never spoke English on stage, ever -

until a terrible moment, when
he did the trick with the bullet.

The bullet, or fragment,
went into him and killed him,
and he spoke English.

He said, "Oh, God, something's
gone wrong. Close the curtains."
Those were his last lines.

Do you reckon there's a real magician
called Chung Ling Soo in China that
goes under the name of Bob Robinson?

And he'll only speak cod English!

LANCASHIRE ACCENT: Pick a card,
any card you like. Pick a card.

HE PRETENDS TO SPEAK IN CHINESE

Oooh!

- That's when it went wrong, yeah?
- Exactly. I've got you.

If you are tempted to catch
a bullet in your teeth, don't.

You should, in fact, just probably
disappear as fast as possible.

First, describe
the Great Lafayette's last
and greatest disappearing act.

- There is the Great Lafayette.
You've probably not heard of him. - No.

Even though he was the most
successful entertainer in Britain.

Did he make his
giant horse disappear?

- Turn it into a dog? - A lazy dog.
- Is that a motor vehicle or...?

It's an early motor vehicle, yes.

He was sold out
ten years in advance,
that's how successful he was.

He earned ?44,000 a year,
which is the equivalent

of about two-and-three-quarter
million pounds a year.
He was hugely successful.

Incredibly famous.
He was kind of the Liberace
of his day. He wore diamonds,

and that dog you see
was given to him by Houdini
and was called Beauty.

He had a private railway carriage
and so did Beauty,

and Beauty had a little porcelain
bath and his own china and crystal.

Yeah, a bit camp, I agree.

Then Beauty died, not surprisingly,
from being overfed,

and he insisted that
he was embalmed and buried
and they said at the cemetery,

"Well, only if you promise
to be buried there as well."
It's a human cemetery not a pet one.

So he said yes.
And four days later he did die.

A lamp got upturned and the stage
caught on fire - the audience
thought it was part of the trick.

By the time they realised,
11 people had burnt to death.

Including... This,
incidentally, is NOT funny,

a midget in a mechanical bear suit.

LAUGHTER

I'm sure I prefaced that with,
"It isn't funny."

- What's wrong with you people?
You're sick! - They are sick.

Anyway, they found his body,
cremated it,

the bits that weren't
already cremated, obviously.

They pulled the theatre
down where this had happened
and they found another body.

They realised from the
diamonds on the ring that that
was in fact the Great Lafayette.

- They buried the wrong man? - Yeah.
So he'd been burnt and buried
and he'd been magically restored

as another dead body.

- That's very, very good. - It is good!

- It's a good trick. - Very good.
- What did they do? Did they...?

- They had to get rid of
the old one... - It's Beauty I feel
sorry for. - Yeah, I know.

In the afterlife going,
"Who are you?!"

Anyway, yes, you can go
to Piershill Cemetery to this day
and you can see the Great Lafayette,

who was - now sadly forgotten -
but in his day,
the most popular performer.

I'm more saddened about the poor
other guy. What happened to him?

The reason is, part of his magic
thing was he would appear
and disappear very quickly,

cos he had a lot of stand-ins,
doubles who were exactly like him.

He would go off stage
and then suddenly still be on stage.

It's cos his stand-in
in the same costume had gone on.
He was very good at that,

which is why one of the stand-ins
had been buried instead I suppose.

So the Great Lafayette's final trick
was to turn up intact three days
after being cremated.

Now, from testing spells - you'll
like this - to spelling tests.

ALL GROAN

- Yes. "I before E..." Fingers on
buzzers. "..except after...?"
- 'Please!'

- C. - Oh!

KLAXON SOUNDS

No, that just isn't a rule,
and why isn't it a rule?

Because of...

Because of words where...
- Where it's not!

- E comes before I after C. - There are
more exceptions to the rule than the
rule itself, by quite a long way.

- Who's counted that?
- "Ceiling"!
- They've been counted. - "Ceiling".

There are 923 English words

that have a C-I-E in them...

- Do we have to name them all? - No.
You're let off.

Name some.

- "Ceiling". - No, that's C-E-I.

LAUGHTER

- C-E-I, that's what you said!
- No. No, the supposed rule is...

- ALAN: - "I before E, except after C."

- But I'm saying, in fact,
there are 923 which break that rule.
- "Receive", "receipt"...

So if it's,
"I before E except after C,"

- we're looking for words where
E follows C, aren't we? - No.

No, the rule is it should be C-E-I,
according to that.

Oh, you're saying it's wrong.

- There are 923... - I know one which
it isn't. "Ceiling", that's not one.

- "Ceiling" isn't one. - No!

- "Ceiling" isn't one of the ones
you're looking for. - Yes.
I want the ones I am looking for.

- Not "ceiling". - Lee, I'm looking
for the ones I'm looking for,
so give me a C-I-E.

"Ceiling"?

Oh, God.
I may explode at any minute.

C-I-E, um...

- "Receipt"... - Those are the
ones that conform to the rule.

- OK, the rule is looking pretty good.
- "Glacier".

"Species".

Yes, but now I know them
and I didn't think I knew any.

The point is, there are lots.

These are ones with E-I,
without the C in front, obviously,

- as well as the C-I-E...
- You don't even have to have a C now?

No! They're E-I! Are you incapable
of rational thought?

LAUGHTER

Are you...? You cannot be
that stupid! You cannot be that...

- Nobody... - Stephen, can I just say,
you really are going to have to work
on your Bruce Forsyth patter.

- "Are you really capable of rational
thought? I mean, really." - This is not
The Generation Game. This is QI.

- "Are you a human being?
I don't think you are." - Work it out.

These words don't count,
they're not even English words -
"hacienda" and "concierge".

The point is,
there are 21 times as many words

- that break the rule than don't.
- However,
if you want to spell "ceiling"...

- If you want to spell "ceiling"...
- Or "receipt". - ..or "conceit"
or "deceit".

- I before E except after C.
- Yeah, but if you want
to spell "veil" and "weird"...

Yeah, but there's no C in those.

No.

It's "I before E" - every time -
"except after C"

- but in "weir"... That's the point.
- Oh, I see! - God!

APPLAUSE

You cannot be that stupid!

He said it
and you're looking at me!

How do I get the blame
for his stupidity?

I've got my own, thank you.

Wow!

- Daniel, you're the only person
on this show who isn't
a complete idiot. - No!

- It's become clear. - I assure you, I
am. That's why I'm keeping so quiet.

- Anyway, "ceiling" begins with S(!)

That's why I'm keeping quiet -
I'm actually on Lee's wavelength,
but I don't want to get a bollocking.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - He's got I before E.
Is that right? Oh, God.

- Who? - Daniel. - That is how you
spell my name. - How do you spell...?
- Because it should be I before E!

You can't...
Can we count proper nouns?

What about my surname,
am I spelling that right?
There's an I and an E in that.

- It's I before E always. - Yeah,
always. - According to the rule.

- But the rule's wrong, Stephen. - It is.

It's now officially no longer taught
in schools because it is so clear.

- Really? Is it not at all? - It's not.

So the rule now is, "It's I before E
or sometimes it's E before I."

LAUGHTER

- Mostly after a C, it's I-E. - If in
doubt, look it up, you lazy git.

"I before E,
except for the following 923."

- And then you reel them all off.
- Thank God for spell-check.

Number one, "ceiling"...

LAUGHTER

I am...

Number two, "red ceiling".

"Blue ceiling". Help me, lads,
I'm running out of colours.

I am slightly shocked
by my intolerance,
and you'll have to forgive me,

but I think we've got it.
The spelling trick "I before E"

is wrong on so many occasions
schools have stopped teaching it.

That's enough lessons,
it's play-time,
you'll be pleased to know.

- I'm very pleased!
- Good. In which game is it the aim

to throw a ball like this
into a goal like this?

Quidditch!

Ah.

- KLAXON
- I thought it had
to be cos he's here!

- No, this is from a genuine,
real-life world sport. - Aztecs.

No, but... It is...

Mexicans.

Are we looking for a nationality
or a game name?

- It's a French game, and rather
recent. 1970, it was invented. - Oh!

It's very similar to Quidditch.

It has a goal almost identical
to a Quidditch goal. In Quidditch,

what do you travel on?

- A broomstick. - A broomstick.
This is... - But that is

- special effects, though, isn't it?
- Yeah. And very painful. - Painful?

Can I just say, this is a bit unfair
that my questions are,

"What is I before E except after C?,"
and his questions are, "How do you
fly around in Quidditch?"

- No, that was just simply me
asking him. - I'm not getting
points for this!

No, no, he's not.

What's kind of odd is that,
if you catch the Snitch,
which is the ball in the films,

- you win automatically. - Yeah.

That team wins.

It doesn't matter how many points
you score with the other ball.

- It does seem unsatisfactory
in that respect. - It's almost like
it's not FIFA-regulated, isn't it?!

And also, how far you can go
away from where you're playing.

- I'd not thought of that.
- That annoys me, personally.

Why have a pitch?

Just to return to this one, this is
called horseball, and it's played
not on broomsticks, but on...?

- Horses. - Horses!

And we have some footage of it
being played. There it is.

- So it's like a sort of polo,
only in the air. - Look how popular
it is! Look at the crowd!

- And there you are, through there.
That's a goal. - Wow.

That would be only interesting
if only the horses were
allowed to catch.

But that's actually
closely related to

a game called pato.
Pato being the Spanish for...?

Duck.

Instead of having a ball,
they would have a basket
with a live duck in it!

And they would throw it,
and it became the national game of
Argentina under Juan Peron in 1953.

- He declared it the national game,
over football. - I love the idea that,

after the Hand of God, they said,
"Look, let's just make this a sport."

- But what about Quidditch?
Does anybody really play Quidditch?
- Yes, they do.

- Various American universities have
now got Quidditch clubs. - Hundreds.

Hundreds of them, yeah.

It's a lot less exciting than
in the films.

They're running round with a broom
between their legs?

And catching and...
Yeah, it's... It's great
if you're in it, I'm sure.

If you're in the sweeper position!

It's called Muggle Quidditch,

not surprisingly, because
they can't fly, and there are
over 200 college teams in America.

Do they play each other?

So, horseball has similar rules
to Quidditch, but the players ride
on horses instead of broomsticks.

Which of these would you rather have
on your Quidditch team?
A Muggle, Hagrid, or Dumbledore?

Is it the one that looks like Julius
Caesar about to be sick in a bucket?

I don't know which one that is.

On the left.

Oh, I see. Yes, he does!

- I think that's...Dudley, is it? - Yes.

The point is, in a lot of JK
Rowling's work, the words are real,

and "dumbledore" is
a real English word,
as is "hagrid", as is "muggle".

And I want you to tell me
what they really mean.

Dumbledore has got to be some sort
of a term for village idiot.

Funnily enough, yes, it became that.

In Thomas Hardy's Under The
Greenwood Tree, it means a slow
simpleton. It's used that way.

But actually,
it has an earlier meaning.

Is there a hagrid reference in one
of the Thomas Hardy books as well?

- There may well be.
- One of them, I don't know which.

- I'm sure... - The longer form,
hagridden, I've seen many times,

- but start with... - Monster-like.
- Start with "muggle".

Do you know where the word "muggle"
might have been used?

Sounds like some sort of woodland
creature or something furry.

Actually, it's an American jazz-age
word. It's a drug.

- Marijuana?
- Marijuana is the right answer.

It was a word for marijuana,
for cannabis, and more particularly
for people who smoked it.

- People who smoked marijuana were
called muggles. - Hilarious!

In New Orleans,
they're all getting stoned, going,
"Quidditch is really boring!"

In New Orleans, 1920s, that was it.

What's the next word?

We've got "hagrid", which is used in
Hardy, the Mayor Of Casterbridge.

- GRAHAM: - I've seen it in the longer
form, hagridden! - Yes, hagridden!

- LAUGHTER
- Very good - clever of you!

It means... Hagridden...

Oh, it means a bony old horse...

- It's a MARE. - It's a nightmare.

- Yes! - It's a nightmare
involving a horse... No?

Is it something to do with somebody
placing through...?

If you had bad dreams,
you were said to be hagridden.

- Ah, that's great. - Witches would come
to you in the night.
- That's fantastic.

- What's happened to her?! - Is that a
drunk person not finding the toilet?

Since records began...

That's horrible.

They'll feel terrible
when they wake up!

That's the relationship that's not
going to survive, isn't it?!

When people sleep badly these days,

they think
they've been probed by aliens,

but before the idea of aliens came,
it was goblins and witches
and demons, and hags.

And that's what hagridden means.

- What's the horse doing?
- That's the night-MARE.

- He's operating the video.
- LAUGHTER

- ALAN: - Early sort of animal dogging.

- Very good. - With his big hooves!

So that leaves us with "dumbledore",
which, as you say,
has been used to mean a simpleton.

There's the great Gambon.

But it had an earlier meaning.
The first half of it.

- Dumble. - Think of
a rhyming word for "dumble".

- Jumble. - Jumble, mumble, crumble...

- Not mumble. - Ceiling!
LAUGHTER

- Don't try me too hard,
Lee Mack. - Stumble.

- No, you're... - Bumble.

- Yes. - Bumblebee. A type of bee!

- It is a bumblebee.
- I've redeemed myself.

There were different ways
of saying it. A dore means
a humming insect in old English.

A dumbledore means a bumblebee.

- That's great. - Isn't it? Pleasing.
- I can't believe I didn't know it.

I'm really annoyed.
I've missed out on precious points.

- LAUGHTER
- You got some points, from knowing
it was in Hardy. - I'm pleased.

Yeah.

But how did Hogwarts tackle
drinking problems?

- Is that a character,
Drinking Problems? - No!

Harry Potter And
The Goblet Of Special Brew!

LAUGHTER

- The word existed
before the book, then. - Yes.

When the hog finds that the creek's
run dry, there's nowhere to drink...

No, it's drinking problems
of an alcoholic sort.

- GRAHAM: - It's sailors.

Yes, it is. In the US Navy.

Very good. They came straight
to your mind, didn't they?!

I just thought,
"Who drinks? Who drinks?" Sailors!

This isn't fair! He's getting
questions about Quidditch,
he's getting questions about sailors!

And a particular branch of
the US Navy - submariners.

Now, torpedoes, right,
used to run on ethyl alcohol.

That was their fuel. Since 1914,
the US Navy have been dry,
you're not allowed to drink.

On board,
they had 180% proof alcohol.
So, how to stop them drinking it?

- Well... - Putting it in...

It would kill you unless
you add tonic, I think.

It wouldn't kill you.
They had plenty of juices
they could add to it, and they did.

Delicious, then!

No, that's the point. You wanted to
stop it being delicious,
or make it dangerous for them.

Putting it inside a torpedo
would go some way...

It had to be stored as fuel,
and it could be got at,

so what you do is add something.
They started by adding methanol,

known as pink lady,
which makes you blind.

They said, "If you drink this,
you will go blind."

We've all been told things
like that. It didn't stop us!

That's the problem!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's exactly the problem.

Anyway, it didn't work,
so they added...?

Something called croton oil,

which came from the spurge plant,
known as the hogwart.

So they added hogwart's juice.

And that made you vomit
and gave you diarrhoea.

But that didn't work either,
because they boiled it up,

and it condensed off again,
and they would carry on drinking it.

- They added pineapple juice.
- And also, regular alcohol
makes you vomit...

That's a night out, isn't it?

That's probably true.

But that was the role
that hogwarts played, anyway.

JK Rowling, in interviews, when
it was pointed out that there was
such a thing as hogwart,

said that she thought she'd
made it up herself, but that maybe
she'd been to Kew Gardens

and seen it and it just registers
in the back of your mind,
as these things often do.

I have visions of JK Rowling with
a bottle of meths - "I made it up,
and if anyone says different..."

- Roh-ling.
- What did I say? - Row-ling.
- W before O, except after R.

Like "bowling", not like "howling".
It could be either, you're right.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm not picking
on you, Lee. I love you deeply.

- LEE LAUGHS
- Sorry, mustn't overdo it.

If you were, it would be
the most middle-class way of
picking on anyone!

"I think you'll find
it's Roh-ling, like "bowling"!"

"Stop the bully!"

During the war,
American sailors used to drink
torpedo fuel cocktails,

though the Navy tried to stop them
by adding hogwart oil.

Now, here's a Harry question.
Why does the Domesday Book contain
so many empty villages in Yorkshire?

'Expelliarmus!'

Is it...the Harrowing of the North?

- The Harrying of the North. - Ah,
right, OK. My understanding of it
is that there was basically...

In the city of York,
there was an uprising against
the Norman troops that were there,

and then, basically, all the people
in the city realised

that they were vastly
outnumbering the soldiers.

He's right, you're doing well!

But then there was a decree sent by
the King after this uprising,

and everything was burnt
from 100 miles.

You got the salient points, yes.
William the Bastard, as he was
known, William the Conqueror.

What's the matter?

Don't be put off by a young person
knowing more than you, Alan.

- You must be used to it by now.
- I'm just mucking about, sir, sorry.

- So what did he say, what is it?
- I wasn't listening!

- LAUGHTER
- Oh, you're in trouble!

- The Harrying...
- We weren't concentrating. We were
thinking about ten-pin "bow-ling".

Well...the Harrowing of the North,
for those at the back,

was the worst example of genocide...

G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E.
Oh, you're in trouble!

As it's Christmas,
I'm going to be very lenient.

It was actually our worst-ever
act of genocide...

LAUGHTER

You see?

- I've done tits!
- Yes, tits... Fabulous(!)

I've done tits!

- Sorry, what about this...?
- It's Mack, sir. He made me do it.

- People from the north were
ruthlessly killed. - Oh.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You say ruthlessly -
with a war-cry of,

"It's Rowling as in bowling!
Off with his head!"

Yes, exactly.

They killed them, sir?
They killed them in the north?

They killed them. The Normans
slaughtered one in ten of everyone
in the north, 100,000 people.

And those that survived mostly died
of starvation or lived in...

- But little did they know
how good we were at breeding! - Yes!

But it took decades. It really was
laid absolutely waste.

The Harrying of the North.
It sounds gentle,
"I'll give him a harrying,"

but it was vile. That's Harrying,

But what about Pottering?
What creature was the subject of
Beatrix Potter's first work?

I bet it's not Peter Rabbit.

Is the right answer!

LEE: Thank God you stopped me!

Would you have said rabbit?

I'd have said,
"Is it not Peter Rabbit?"

- No... - I would have said rabbit, yes.

No, her first work was not
a children's book.

Wasn't it the book that they based
the film Boogie Nights on?

It'd be so lovely if I were to say,
"Yes! And that's 100 points! How
extraordinary you should know that!"

"Rollergirl was based on
Beatrix Potter's mother!"

No, it was a serious work
of botanical -

as it was then called,
it's now mycological - study.

What is mycology? Does that mean
anything to you?

The study of people called Mike.

- That would be interesting in
its way. No, it's fungus. - Fungus.

Why did the mushroom go to
the party?

Because he was
a fun-gi to be with! Yeah.

- Ah! - Anyway,

yeah, that's what she did.

She wrote a book, it was presented
by her uncle to the Linnean Society

- in the 1890s. Why by her uncle? Why
not by her? - Because she was a woman.

- I'm afraid that's the case.
It took them 100 years to
apologise for the slight. - And also,

she was a mushroom expert -
who wants to meet her?!

- Well...! - You know what I mean!
It was like, "Yeah, talk to Beatrix,
she's great on mushrooms..."

She couldn't even do the joke,
could she?

- She couldn't even say,
"But I'm a fun-gi to be with." - No.

But she did then write a story for
the son of a former nanny
about Peter Rabbit,

and it started with the words,
"Once upon a time,

"there were
four rabbits, called..."?

Flipsy, Bipsy, Dopsy and Flopsy,
or something.

Close, but not... Flopsy, Mopsy,

Cottontail and...?

- AUDIENCE: Peter. - They know.

- Exactly. - She wrote that after
she's had a massive bag of
magic mushrooms!

And she did the illustrations,
and the recipient said,

"You should publish them." She did,
and became a gigantic success.

- Mr McGregor! Agh!
- In 1903, Peter Rabbit was

- the first merchandised
licensed toy ever. - DANIEL: Wow!

Is it fair to say
it outsold her mushroom book?

It did! It so did, yeah!

Very fair to say.
But she lived in central London,

and if you go to Brompton Cemetery,
in fashionable west London,

- do you know what you see
on the gravestones there?
- Massive rabbit. - No.

- GRAHAM: - Mushrooms!

You see the inspiration
for some of her greatest works.
It's quite fun...

- Jemima Puddle-Duck.
- Not that, but there's...

- Big bag of crack.
- Peter Rabbett, there's...

There's a grave for a Peter Rabbett,
spelled B-B-E-T-T,

there's a Jeremiah Fisher, there's
a Mr Nutkins, there's a Mr Brock

and a Mr McGregor.

All there. So it looks like,
when she was looking for names,

she just wandered around and
chose them from the gravestones.

Anyway, Beatrix Potter was
a rather successful botanist
before becoming a children's author.

Her first publication was
about fungi.

Well, that's it for magic.
Now for the tricky bit -
it's general ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, if you'd please.
When should you open the first door
on your Advent calendar?

- 'Abracadabra.' - Yeah?

- First of December. - Oh!

KLAXON BLARES

- I didn't say December the first! - Hey!

Nice try to get out of it!

No, it's the fourth Sunday
before Christmas, and that can be
one of a range of days

between November 27th
and December 3rd.

The point is, you open it
on Advent Sunday.

- To be honest, I don't usually
have one. - Aw, don't you?

As your children grow up, you will.
You will. They'll love them.

- I just stopped getting mine.
- Did you stop getting them? - Yeah.

- I felt 19 was then the last one.
- Right. - I'm 20.

So you've got to buy them 20 years'
worth of Advent calendars.

- Can you get them a Kelly Brook
Advent calendar? - I'm not sure!

You cannot!

- That's very bad. Very bad.
- That's quite creepy.

- Do you remember when pubs used to
have the peanuts on the card?
- Oh, yes.

And there would be a naked girl.

As you pulled them off, there'd be a
girl beneath, encouraging the blokes
to eat more nuts! "Get more nuts!"

Johnny Vegas told me that
in his local pub in St Helens,
it was a topless pub,

and if you paid an extra 50p,
she'd dip it in the pint
before she gave it to you.

Divert your ears!

- Please! - ALAN: - How erotic(!)

More often than not,

Advent actually starts in November,
not on December 1st.

So, who'd like to pull
a Christmas cracker?

I've got one.
They've even got your names on.

That's Lee's...and that's Alan's.

- Thank you. - There you are, pass them
on. You can see the names there.
One for Graham, one for Daniel.

- With each other?
- Shall we do that?

Oh, I lost twice. Great.

- That worked quite well. - Give him
one of the jokes, Alan,
if you'd be so kind.

- No way. - Oh, you must.
Let him have a joke.

- So, Graham, would you like to
read your joke? - OK, here we go.

- Oh! - Did you write these, Stephen?

- Are they good? - It just sounds like
something you might write.

- Knock-knock... - Who's there?

- To. - To who?

To whom, surely!

- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- That's a good joke.

"S Fry."

Oh, dear. Lee, what's your joke?

- Knock-knock... - Who's there?

JK Row-ling...

No. What cheese do you use
to coax a bear out of its cave?

What cheese do you use
to coax a bear out of its cave?

- Come on, bear! - Camembert, brilliant!

- "Come on, bear!"
- Camembert, very good!

Is that really it?

Yeah. I didn't even know
bears liked cheese.

- They love it.
- No. I'm not going to...

I'm not going to fall for
that one, Lee. Daniel.

Who is the most famous
married woman in America?

- AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS
- I didn't hear that.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Mississippi!

Mrs Sippi!
That's really...excellent.

- Alan. - What disease can you get
from decorating a Christmas tree?

LEE: Syphilis.

- Tinsel-itis. No?
- Yes, it is. Tinsel-itis.

Well, there you are. Now, you'll be
pleased to know there's a department
of the University of Hampshire

called the Public Understanding
of Psychology,

and Richard Wiseman has
a theory about cracker jokes,
which is they SHOULD be bad.

Why... Why is that a good thing?

Alan.

Who's speaking?

- You're wishing you hadn't had that
methanol now. - Jokes should be bad?

- Is it because...
To make us feel superior? - Sorry?

- To make us feel superior?
- Sort of the opposite.

- They've always been bad and we don't
like change? - Partly, maybe,

but his theory is that not everybody
will always find a joke funny.

Therefore, the moment you tell
a joke, at a party in particular,

you divide the room into two -

those who liked it,
and those who didn't.

And sometimes nobody likes it and
the person who tells it feels bad,

whereas if everybody knows the joke
is a terrible, groaning joke,

it's everybody against the joke.
Everybody's bonded.

So yes, cracker jokes are bad
because they are,
and that's why they're not bad.

So that's it for
this cracking QI Christmas.

Let's just check the scores
and see how we're doing.

- Oh, my goodness me.
- I think I've done very well!
- It's really exciting.

Winning, on his first appearance,
with ten points,
is Daniel Radcliffe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And in second place with
four points, Graham Norton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But it's pretty tight
below the salt.

In third place with -18, Lee Mack!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That just leaves you, son!

And, just in last place is our
stable donkey, Alan Davies, on -19!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, it would be
no kind of Christmas party

if it didn't end with tricks
and japes and larks of all kinds,

so have you got a trick or a jape
lined up, Alan?

I have something, yes.

- Ooh, who are you going to
play it on? - If I could ask Lee
to be my Debbie McGee?

LAUGHTER
I'm not falling for this again!

- Take it. Take it away. - Come on!

This is my equipment, Lee.

If I could ask you to lie
in the box, your head
at that end, please...

This is like the time you told me
to smell your hankie.

What?!

- Chloroform joke.
- Oh, chloroform. Thank God!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All the way back, if you don't mind.
All the way in.

- Just tuck yourself in under there.
- Hang on, sawing? I didn't see that!

Just look this way,
concentrate on the audience. Smile.

- You're very happy, you're relaxed.
- I'm having the time of my life(!)

- Are you sure you're all the way in?
- Are you sure you know
what you're doing?!

Ooh, hello! I can see why Phill
Jupitus wasn't invited on this week!

Ow! Ow!

Maybe I should have had Daniel!

- I think that would have been more
sensible! - I can't feel my legs!

I used to play
a magician's assistant, you know?!

- Ow! That's the bit.
- Just try and relax.

- ELECTRIC SAW BUZZES
Oh, my God! - Whoa!

Yes!

Are you ready? Just relax.
It won't hurt at all.

LEE SCREAMS

- Are you all right? - What?
- I said, are you all right?

You're cutting my belly in half!

Wow!

Brilliant. Don't worry, you've worked
with all the professionals -
Douglas Bader, Heather Mills...

LAUGHTER

- I'm under stress! - Let's just see,
there's his arm.

- Yes. - The arm's not the bit
I'm worried about.
- Yes, that's working fine.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
if this has worked...

- AUDIENCE: - Ooh!

Oh, my word!

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Yes! Look at that!

Blimey!

Brilliant!

Alan Davies and the glamorous
Lee Mack, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- Well, all I can say... - Hang on!
Surely you don't leave it like that?!

Just hang there for the moment, Lee,
and we will see.

It's going to be hard to top, boys.
Can you do something similar?

Well! Come with me,
Daniel Radcliffe.

Oh, I say.

This did seem like a good idea,
so, er...

- Shall I? - If you want to
kneel down there...

Right.

OK. This feels very wrong,
doesn't it?!

LAUGHTER

Children are watching and sobbing!

"What's he doing?!

"He found Dorothy,
now he's killing Harry Potter!"

- OK... - Daniel, you have...
- Are you all right, there?

Daniel, have you finished both of
the Harry Potter films by now?

It'll be fine, it'll be fine!

They can usually finish them
without you!

I'm so bad at this,
I was about to lean through.

LAUGHTER

Are you all right there?
Are you comfortable?

- Yes, it's lovely, thank you.
- Nothing can go wrong.

Wouldn't it be awful...?

No, you know what I mean? We had
the stuff about the bullet, and...

It could go wrong!

There'll be a story,
"Then Graham got distracted by
a bright light. Oh, he's dead!"

Have I done...?
I think I've done it all right.

LAUGHTER

- You'll live on in films forever.
- LAUGHTER

- DRUM ROLL
- Drum roll! - OK, here we go.

So, three, two...

- AUDIENCE: - One...

AUDIENCE GASP AND APPLAUD

On that bombshell,
ladies and gentlemen...

Thank you, Graham.

You saw it here. It'll be
on YouTube before you can speak,

but my goodness me,
on that bombshell,

it's thanks to Lee and Alan...

APPLAUSE

..and it's thanks to Graham and
the late Daniel Radcliffe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a very merry Christmas
to you all, good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd