QI (2003–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - Hocus-Pocus - full transcript

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[Events]
Format: Marked, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:22.91,0:00:26.39,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:30.87,0:00:35.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, hello, hello,\Nhello, hello, hello.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:35.79,0:00:39.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,God rest ye,\Nmerry ladies and gentlemen,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:39.15,0:00:41.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and welcome to QI's Christmas party.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:41.43,0:00:44.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,To celebrate this most\Nmagical time of the year,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:44.27,0:00:49.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,we've conjured up a show\Nabsolutely heaving with hocus-pocus.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:49.03,0:00:53.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Waving their fairy wands\Ntonight are the bewitching
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:53.55,0:00:54.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Graham Norton.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:54.67,0:00:57.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:00.99,0:01:02.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The mysterious Lee Mack.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:02.83,0:01:05.87,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:09.27,0:01:12.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The wizardly Daniel Radcliffe!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:12.39,0:01:15.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:18.27,0:01:22.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And of course, my glamorous\Nassistant, Alan Davies.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:22.27,0:01:25.15,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:29.23,0:01:32.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So, release your incantations,\Ngentlemen.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:32.51,0:01:33.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Graham goes...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:33.55,0:01:35.63,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,'Hey presto!'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:35.63,0:01:38.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Very nice. Lee goes...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:38.19,0:01:40.95,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,'Abracadabra!'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:40.95,0:01:42.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Daniel goes...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:42.43,0:01:44.11,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,'Expelliarmus.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:44.11,0:01:45.39,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:45.39,0:01:46.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And Alan goes...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:46.55,0:01:49.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHILD'S VOICE: 'Please!'\NLAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:49.19,0:01:52.35,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That was the magic word, wasn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:52.35,0:01:57.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So, izzy wizzy, let's get busy\Nwith our first question. What is\Nthe oldest trick in the book?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:57.51,0:02:00.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LEE: Can we take these off now?\NYou can, if you're hot.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:00.51,0:02:03.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Otherwise, I'll have a sudden desire\Nto sort out my pension.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:03.67,0:02:06.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So, what is\Nthe oldest trick in the book?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:06.79,0:02:09.31,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,'Abracadabra!'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:09.31,0:02:10.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Debbie McGee.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:10.83,0:02:12.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,GROANING
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:12.43,0:02:15.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Shame on you, Lee Mack!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:18.71,0:02:20.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's Christmas as well, isn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:20.47,0:02:23.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It is, yeah. Was that charitable?\NNot really, I take that back.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:23.75,0:02:27.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,OK. Is it an ancient Greek book?\NEven older.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:27.55,0:02:28.87,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Ooh - Egyptian? >
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:28.87,0:02:32.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Egyptian is right. I think\NI might... You might know this?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:32.23,0:02:33.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it about a man called Dedi?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:33.95,0:02:36.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Dedi. How do you know about Dedi?\NYou're right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:36.71,0:02:41.23,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He was a man who did the first\Nmagic trick, which was, I think,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:41.23,0:02:44.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,the decapitation of a goose.\NYou're right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:44.59,0:02:48.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And...tore it off and did it\Nto impress the king,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:48.11,0:02:50.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's in an ancient scroll.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:50.75,0:02:53.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It is! Which I do know the name of,\NI think I do.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:53.43,0:02:55.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Go on. The Westcar Papyrus?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:55.75,0:02:58.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The Westcar Papyrus.\NThis man is brilliant.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:58.23,0:03:01.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE\NHow incredible!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:01.67,0:03:08.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, I should say I have had...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:08.11,0:03:10.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, there\Nis a certain amount of...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:10.03,0:03:12.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They teach this at Hogwarts?\NAbsolutely.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:12.55,0:03:16.15,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want you to think... This\Nis going to be a very short show!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:16.15,0:03:20.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Next question! I'm not about the\Njokes. It's all about points for me.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:20.99,0:03:22.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,All about points. I'm here to win.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:22.79,0:03:26.59,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I like that when you\Ngot cast as Harry Potter,\Nthey give you a crash course
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:26.59,0:03:31.39,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,in as much wizardry as they\Npossibly can, then you just topped\Nit off with a bit of acting.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:31.39,0:03:33.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's pretty much it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:33.31,0:03:36.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What part of pulling\Na goose's head off is a trick?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:36.47,0:03:40.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes! And then restored it.\NThat's the point. That's the point.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:40.99,0:03:43.79,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, the old\N"two geese in my bag" trick?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:45.67,0:03:46.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It was very...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:46.95,0:03:48.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you do geese every week?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:48.75,0:03:53.31,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,He did it for King Cheops\Nin 2,600 BC. Cheops, of course(!)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:53.31,0:03:55.63,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The Great Pyramid of Giza\Nwas the Cheops.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:55.63,0:03:58.95,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I can imagine King Cheops going,\N"Seen it."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:58.95,0:04:01.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He did a goose, a duck,\Nthen he moved on to an ox,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:01.99,0:04:05.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and he would wrench their heads off\Nand then they would be restored.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:05.51,0:04:09.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You may say, "I want to see\Nthis trick, if it existed."\NThat's the point,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:09.39,0:04:13.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,because it is the oldest trick\Nin the book, it's recorded then,\Nall that time ago,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:13.59,0:04:15.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,nearly 5,000 years ago,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:15.19,0:04:17.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's still done today.\NAnd do you know what?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:17.95,0:04:21.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a magician who's going to\Ncome on and show you that trick.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:21.95,0:04:23.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,All right?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:23.27,0:04:27.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So... But first - ladies\Nand gentlemen, it's Christmas time -\Nwe have to summon him.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:27.95,0:04:32.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,His name is Scott, so let's say,\N"Accio Scott," all right?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:32.67,0:04:36.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It was all so mystical until then.\N"His name is...Scott!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:38.27,0:04:41.91,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's Scott Penrose.\NHe's the vice president\Nof the Magic Circle.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:41.91,0:04:48.27,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So, after three, two, one, we go,\N"Accio Scott." Three, two, one...\NALL: Accio Scott!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:50.83,0:04:51.87,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Whoa!\NOh, my God!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:52.83,0:04:55.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He wasn't there and then\Nhe was there. What happened?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:55.67,0:04:58.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's magic, Lee, isn't it wonderful?\NScott, welcome.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:58.55,0:05:04.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Lovely to see you, sir. So, I\Nbelieve you can do the Dedi trick\Nthat Dan told us about? Indeed.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:04.83,0:05:08.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Would you like to do it,\Nplease, with...? I'll give it\Na go with Norman.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:08.51,0:05:10.15,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Just give it a bit of a pull...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:10.15,0:05:11.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LEE: No, no, no! Argh!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:11.35,0:05:14.71,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,There we go,\Njust pop his head back on.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:14.71,0:05:16.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,There he goes. Brilliant.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:21.15,0:05:24.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Fabulous. The sensational Scott\NPenrose, ladies and gentlemen.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:24.95,0:05:27.91,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:27.91,0:05:29.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,There you are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:31.35,0:05:33.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The oldest trick in the book.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:33.71,0:05:35.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The other thing, I think,\Nabout that trick,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:35.99,0:05:40.23,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,is that it's the first time a trick\Nwas done that was purely a trick
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:40.23,0:05:44.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and that wasn't done as, you know,\Nsome supernatural powers involved.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:44.63,0:05:47.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That was the first thing\Nthat was written down as a trick.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:48.71,0:05:49.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I can do the first half of it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:49.99,0:05:51.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:51.47,0:05:55.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's really tricky, the second half.\NI practise, I practise, but...\NJust won't go back on?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:55.71,0:06:00.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Won't go back on at all. There's\Nblood everywhere and my wife's\Nscreaming. Children are running out
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:00.79,0:06:05.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,the house, "Where's our budgie?"\NIt's horrible. But was it a trick?\NSo... But...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:05.03,0:06:08.23,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,That was really\Nthe very first trick ever?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:08.23,0:06:10.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That we know of. It's written down.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:10.51,0:06:13.99,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Surely someone did\N"Pull my finger" before that?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:13.99,0:06:19.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe. The oldest trick in the book\Ninvolved pulling the heads\Noff Egyptian animals.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:19.07,0:06:23.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So, what might go wrong if you tried\Nto catch a bullet in your teeth?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:23.23,0:06:26.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I say! Is that you, Lee?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:26.67,0:06:28.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a good-looking lad,\Nwhoever that is.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:28.71,0:06:32.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Abracadabra!' Is the danger\Nthat you will end up
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:32.31,0:06:35.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,turning into one of Britain's\Ntop light entertainers?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:38.27,0:06:39.35,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So charming.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:39.35,0:06:41.67,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Something about your teeth\Ngetting knocked out?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:41.67,0:06:44.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, there is that danger,\NI would imagine. How does it work?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:44.55,0:06:46.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you think someone fires\Na gun into your face?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:46.99,0:06:49.43,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,No, but if you don't\Nopen your mouth properly,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:49.43,0:06:52.91,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,then the bullet would break\Nyour teeth from the other side?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:52.91,0:06:55.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's secreted in the mouth,\Nin some fashion.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:55.07,0:06:58.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,There are other dangers\Nand there have been disasters.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:58.43,0:07:01.91,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,In 1869, Dr Epstein,\Nwho was a magician,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:01.91,0:07:06.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,he used to tamp the gun down with\Nhis wand in this magical fashion,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:06.31,0:07:09.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and he left a tiny bit of wand in.\NSo he had the bullet in his mouth
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:09.55,0:07:11.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and when his assistant\Nfired the gun,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:11.55,0:07:13.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,a bit of the wand went out\Nand killed him.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:13.67,0:07:17.51,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,So that can happen. It must have\Nbeen amazing being in the audience.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:17.51,0:07:23.39,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,"God, this is good! What's going to\Nhappen now?! There's blood spurting\Nfrom the back of his neck."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:23.39,0:07:28.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,There was a man called Raoul Curran,\Nin 1880, made the mistake of doing\Nthe trick in the Wild West.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:28.03,0:07:32.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,A drunk fellow said, "If you can\Nstop a bullet, stop this one"...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:32.59,0:07:34.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and just shot him in the head...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:35.51,0:07:38.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,..right in the forehead,\Nand killed him - stone dead.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:38.67,0:07:41.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Sort of serves him right, though.\NYeah, it's a heck of a heckle.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:41.43,0:07:43.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a rubbish trick, isn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:43.07,0:07:46.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Everyone who watches it must go,\N"Bullet was in his mouth."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:46.35,0:07:49.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well... There's not one bit\Nwhere you go, "I wonder\Nif he caught the bullet?"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:49.83,0:07:55.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There are some amazing ones, though,\Nlike Penn and Teller do a really...\NYes. It's frightening.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:55.55,0:07:58.23,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They get the bullet from the audience\Nand, I know it's a trick, but...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:58.23,0:08:01.91,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You are right. And Penn and Teller\Nare amongst the best.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:01.91,0:08:04.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There was\Na bloke who disembowelled himself.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:04.51,0:08:10.87,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Quite early on, in days of conjuring\Ntricks, they were all fairly gruesome\Nthings, like beheading.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:10.87,0:08:15.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The way it would work\Nwas you would have, kind of,\Na sheep's intestines
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:15.31,0:08:21.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and a prosthetic chest and stomach.\NAnd then behind all of that,\Nyou'd put a metal plate
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:21.51,0:08:26.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and the guy did it one night and he\Nforgot to put the metal plate on. Oh!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:26.55,0:08:31.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So he ended up going straight\Nthrough himself and then dying.\NSo, not funny, but true.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:31.51,0:08:36.67,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, that's important.\NHe'll never make that mistake again.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:36.67,0:08:40.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, he won't. There was a Chinese\Nperformer called Chung Ling So -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:40.87,0:08:45.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,he wasn't Chinese, his real name\Nwas Robinson, William Robinson -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:45.43,0:08:48.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but he performed under\NChung Ling Soo and only spoke
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:48.15,0:08:51.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,a sort of cod Chinese,\Nnever spoke English on stage, ever -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:51.39,0:08:56.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,until a terrible moment, when\Nhe did the trick with the bullet.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:56.95,0:09:01.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The bullet, or fragment,\Nwent into him and killed him,\Nand he spoke English.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:01.59,0:09:06.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He said, "Oh, God, something's\Ngone wrong. Close the curtains."\NThose were his last lines.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:06.87,0:09:12.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you reckon there's a real magician\Ncalled Chung Ling Soo in China that\Ngoes under the name of Bob Robinson?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:12.55,0:09:14.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And he'll only speak cod English!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:14.43,0:09:20.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LANCASHIRE ACCENT: Pick a card,\Nany card you like. Pick a card.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:20.63,0:09:22.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,HE PRETENDS TO SPEAK IN CHINESE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:22.47,0:09:23.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oooh!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:23.51,0:09:27.27,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's when it went wrong, yeah?\NExactly. I've got you.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:27.27,0:09:30.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,If you are tempted to catch\Na bullet in your teeth, don't.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:30.31,0:09:33.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You should, in fact, just probably\Ndisappear as fast as possible.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:33.83,0:09:39.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,First, describe\Nthe Great Lafayette's last\Nand greatest disappearing act.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:39.83,0:09:44.27,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There is the Great Lafayette.\NYou've probably not heard of him. No.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:44.27,0:09:48.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Even though he was the most\Nsuccessful entertainer in Britain.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:48.43,0:09:52.91,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Did he make his\Ngiant horse disappear?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:52.91,0:09:56.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Turn it into a dog? A lazy dog.\NIs that a motor vehicle or...?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:56.75,0:09:58.91,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's an early motor vehicle, yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:58.91,0:10:02.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He was sold out\Nten years in advance,\Nthat's how successful he was.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:02.47,0:10:05.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He earned ?44,000 a year,\Nwhich is the equivalent
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:05.07,0:10:09.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,of about two-and-three-quarter\Nmillion pounds a year.\NHe was hugely successful.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:09.55,0:10:13.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Incredibly famous.\NHe was kind of the Liberace\Nof his day. He wore diamonds,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:13.95,0:10:17.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and that dog you see\Nwas given to him by Houdini\Nand was called Beauty.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:17.59,0:10:21.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He had a private railway carriage\Nand so did Beauty,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:21.15,0:10:25.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and Beauty had a little porcelain\Nbath and his own china and crystal.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:25.75,0:10:27.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, a bit camp, I agree.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:27.95,0:10:31.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Then Beauty died, not surprisingly,\Nfrom being overfed,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:31.07,0:10:36.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and he insisted that\Nhe was embalmed and buried\Nand they said at the cemetery,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:36.03,0:10:41.63,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, only if you promise\Nto be buried there as well."\NIt's a human cemetery not a pet one.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:41.63,0:10:44.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So he said yes.\NAnd four days later he did die.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:44.31,0:10:49.35,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,A lamp got upturned and the stage\Ncaught on fire - the audience\Nthought it was part of the trick.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:49.35,0:10:52.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,By the time they realised,\N11 people had burnt to death.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:52.39,0:10:56.91,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Including... This,\Nincidentally, is NOT funny,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:56.91,0:10:59.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,a midget in a mechanical bear suit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:59.15,0:11:01.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:01.03,0:11:04.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sure I prefaced that with,\N"It isn't funny."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:05.23,0:11:08.91,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What's wrong with you people?\NYou're sick! They are sick.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:08.91,0:11:12.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyway, they found his body,\Ncremated it,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:12.27,0:11:15.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,the bits that weren't\Nalready cremated, obviously.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:15.19,0:11:19.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They pulled the theatre\Ndown where this had happened\Nand they found another body.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:19.67,0:11:24.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They realised from the\Ndiamonds on the ring that that\Nwas in fact the Great Lafayette.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:24.55,0:11:29.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They buried the wrong man? Yeah.\NSo he'd been burnt and buried\Nand he'd been magically restored
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:29.95,0:11:31.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,as another dead body.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:31.83,0:11:33.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's very, very good. It is good!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:33.67,0:11:37.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a good trick. Very good.\N- What did they do? Did they...?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:37.07,0:11:41.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They had to get rid of\Nthe old one... It's Beauty I feel\Nsorry for. Yeah, I know.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:41.15,0:11:43.75,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,In the afterlife going,\N"Who are you?!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:43.75,0:11:48.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyway, yes, you can go\Nto Piershill Cemetery to this day\Nand you can see the Great Lafayette,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:48.59,0:11:52.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,who was - now sadly forgotten -\Nbut in his day,\Nthe most popular performer.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:52.67,0:11:56.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm more saddened about the poor\Nother guy. What happened to him?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:56.55,0:12:01.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The reason is, part of his magic\Nthing was he would appear\Nand disappear very quickly,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:01.11,0:12:04.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,cos he had a lot of stand-ins,\Ndoubles who were exactly like him.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:04.43,0:12:08.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He would go off stage\Nand then suddenly still be on stage.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:08.03,0:12:12.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's cos his stand-in\Nin the same costume had gone on.\NHe was very good at that,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:12.11,0:12:15.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,which is why one of the stand-ins\Nhad been buried instead I suppose.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:15.55,0:12:20.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So the Great Lafayette's final trick\Nwas to turn up intact three days\Nafter being cremated.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:20.23,0:12:23.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, from testing spells - you'll\Nlike this - to spelling tests.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:23.99,0:12:25.91,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,ALL GROAN
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:25.91,0:12:30.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes. "I before E..." Fingers on\Nbuzzers. "..except after...?"\N'Please!'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:30.03,0:12:31.91,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,C. Oh!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:31.91,0:12:34.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,KLAXON SOUNDS
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:34.35,0:12:37.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, that just isn't a rule,\Nand why isn't it a rule?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:37.71,0:12:39.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Because of...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:39.11,0:12:41.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Because of words where...\N- Where it's not!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:41.75,0:12:47.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,E comes before I after C. There are\Nmore exceptions to the rule than the\Nrule itself, by quite a long way.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:47.75,0:12:51.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Who's counted that?\N- "Ceiling"!\NThey've been counted. "Ceiling".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:51.55,0:12:55.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,There are 923 English words
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:55.51,0:12:58.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,that have a C-I-E in them...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:58.79,0:13:01.27,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Do we have to name them all? No.\NYou're let off.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:01.27,0:13:02.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Name some.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:02.31,0:13:04.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ceiling". No, that's C-E-I.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:04.83,0:13:07.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:09.27,0:13:13.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,C-E-I, that's what you said!\NNo. No, the supposed rule is...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:13.35,0:13:15.27,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,ALAN: "I before E, except after C."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:15.27,0:13:20.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm saying, in fact,\Nthere are 923 which break that rule.\N"Receive", "receipt"...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:20.43,0:13:22.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So if it's,\N"I before E except after C,"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:22.67,0:13:25.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,we're looking for words where\NE follows C, aren't we? No.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:25.99,0:13:31.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, the rule is it should be C-E-I,\Naccording to that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:31.15,0:13:33.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, you're saying it's wrong.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:33.03,0:13:38.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There are 923... I know one which\Nit isn't. "Ceiling", that's not one.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:38.55,0:13:40.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ceiling" isn't one. No!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:40.35,0:13:45.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ceiling" isn't one of the ones\Nyou're looking for. Yes.\NI want the ones I am looking for.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:45.35,0:13:50.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Not "ceiling". Lee, I'm looking\Nfor the ones I'm looking for,\Nso give me a C-I-E.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:50.35,0:13:51.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ceiling"?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:51.83,0:13:54.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, God.\NI may explode at any minute.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:54.59,0:13:56.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,C-I-E, um...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:56.43,0:13:59.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"Receipt"... Those are the\Nones that conform to the rule.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:59.87,0:14:03.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, the rule is looking pretty good.\N"Glacier".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:03.43,0:14:05.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"Species".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:05.27,0:14:08.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, but now I know them\Nand I didn't think I knew any.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:08.59,0:14:10.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The point is, there are lots.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:10.71,0:14:14.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,These are ones with E-I,\Nwithout the C in front, obviously,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:14.23,0:14:17.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,as well as the C-I-E...\NYou don't even have to have a C now?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:17.67,0:14:21.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No! They're E-I! Are you incapable\Nof rational thought?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:21.43,0:14:23.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:23.71,0:14:27.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you...? You cannot be\Nthat stupid! You cannot be that...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:27.47,0:14:33.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody... Stephen, can I just say,\Nyou really are going to have to work\Non your Bruce Forsyth patter.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:33.07,0:14:38.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Are you really capable of rational\Nthought? I mean, really." This is not\NThe Generation Game. This is QI.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:38.75,0:14:42.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Are you a human being?\NI don't think you are." Work it out.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:42.19,0:14:46.75,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,These words don't count,\Nthey're not even English words -\N"hacienda" and "concierge".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:46.75,0:14:49.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The point is,\Nthere are 21 times as many words
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:49.67,0:14:54.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that break the rule than don't.\NHowever,\Nif you want to spell "ceiling"...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:54.43,0:14:58.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,If you want to spell "ceiling"...\NOr "receipt". ..or "conceit"\Nor "deceit".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:58.07,0:15:03.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I before E except after C.\NYeah, but if you want\Nto spell "veil" and "weird"...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:03.43,0:15:05.35,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, but there's no C in those.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:05.35,0:15:06.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:06.75,0:15:09.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's "I before E" - every time -\N"except after C"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:09.71,0:15:14.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but in "weir"... That's the point.\NOh, I see! God!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:14.71,0:15:17.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:17.71,0:15:19.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You cannot be that stupid!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:19.23,0:15:21.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He said it\Nand you're looking at me!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:21.63,0:15:24.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,How do I get the blame\Nfor his stupidity?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:24.71,0:15:26.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I've got my own, thank you.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:26.35,0:15:28.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Wow!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:28.67,0:15:33.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Daniel, you're the only person\Non this show who isn't\Na complete idiot. No!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:33.03,0:15:37.15,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's become clear. I assure you, I\Nam. That's why I'm keeping so quiet.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:37.15,0:15:39.23,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,- Anyway, "ceiling" begins with S(!)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:39.23,0:15:44.39,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's why I'm keeping quiet -\NI'm actually on Lee's wavelength,\Nbut I don't want to get a bollocking.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:44.39,0:15:48.11,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, I'm sorry. He's got I before E.\NIs that right? Oh, God.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:48.11,0:15:53.31,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Who? Daniel. That is how you\Nspell my name. How do you spell...?\NBecause it should be I before E!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:53.31,0:15:56.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't...\NCan we count proper nouns?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:56.75,0:16:00.87,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,What about my surname,\Nam I spelling that right?\NThere's an I and an E in that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:00.87,0:16:04.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's I before E always. Yeah,\Nalways. According to the rule.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:04.47,0:16:06.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But the rule's wrong, Stephen. It is.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:06.83,0:16:10.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's now officially no longer taught\Nin schools because it is so clear.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:10.47,0:16:12.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Really? Is it not at all? It's not.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:12.67,0:16:17.11,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,So the rule now is, "It's I before E\Nor sometimes it's E before I."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:17.11,0:16:18.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:18.19,0:16:22.83,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Mostly after a C, it's I-E. If in\Ndoubt, look it up, you lazy git.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:22.83,0:16:26.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"I before E,\Nexcept for the following 923."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:26.31,0:16:31.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And then you reel them all off.\NThank God for spell-check.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:31.35,0:16:33.15,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Number one, "ceiling"...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:33.15,0:16:36.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:36.55,0:16:37.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I am...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:37.75,0:16:39.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Number two, "red ceiling".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:39.59,0:16:42.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Blue ceiling". Help me, lads,\NI'm running out of colours.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:42.63,0:16:47.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I am slightly shocked\Nby my intolerance,\Nand you'll have to forgive me,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:47.79,0:16:50.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think we've got it.\NThe spelling trick "I before E"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:50.67,0:16:53.91,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,is wrong on so many occasions\Nschools have stopped teaching it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:53.91,0:16:57.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That's enough lessons,\Nit's play-time,\Nyou'll be pleased to know.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:57.39,0:17:01.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm very pleased!\NGood. In which game is it the aim
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:01.71,0:17:06.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,to throw a ball like this\Ninto a goal like this?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:06.03,0:17:07.07,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Quidditch!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:07.07,0:17:08.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Ah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:08.71,0:17:12.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,KLAXON\NI thought it had\Nto be cos he's here!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:12.11,0:17:17.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, this is from a genuine,\Nreal-life world sport. Aztecs.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:17.95,0:17:20.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, but... It is...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:20.23,0:17:21.55,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Mexicans.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:21.55,0:17:24.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Are we looking for a nationality\Nor a game name?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:24.47,0:17:27.63,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a French game, and rather\Nrecent. 1970, it was invented. Oh!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:27.63,0:17:29.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's very similar to Quidditch.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:29.59,0:17:33.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It has a goal almost identical\Nto a Quidditch goal. In Quidditch,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:33.99,0:17:35.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,what do you travel on?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:35.59,0:17:38.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,A broomstick. A broomstick.\NThis is... But that is
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:38.03,0:17:41.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,special effects, though, isn't it?\NYeah. And very painful. Painful?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:41.71,0:17:44.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I just say, this is a bit unfair\Nthat my questions are,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:44.67,0:17:50.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"What is I before E except after C?,"\Nand his questions are, "How do you\Nfly around in Quidditch?"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:50.79,0:17:54.87,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, that was just simply me\Nasking him. I'm not getting\Npoints for this!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:54.87,0:17:56.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, no, he's not.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:56.07,0:18:00.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What's kind of odd is that,\Nif you catch the Snitch,\Nwhich is the ball in the films,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:00.63,0:18:02.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,you win automatically. Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:02.67,0:18:03.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That team wins.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:03.71,0:18:07.27,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't matter how many points\Nyou score with the other ball.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:07.27,0:18:12.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It does seem unsatisfactory\Nin that respect. It's almost like\Nit's not FIFA-regulated, isn't it?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:12.31,0:18:15.39,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,And also, how far you can go\Naway from where you're playing.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:15.39,0:18:18.15,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd not thought of that.\NThat annoys me, personally.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:18.15,0:18:19.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Why have a pitch?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:19.67,0:18:24.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Just to return to this one, this is\Ncalled horseball, and it's played\Nnot on broomsticks, but on...?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:24.79,0:18:26.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Horses. Horses!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:26.47,0:18:29.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And we have some footage of it\Nbeing played. There it is.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:29.75,0:18:34.11,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's like a sort of polo,\Nonly in the air. Look how popular\Nit is! Look at the crowd!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:36.11,0:18:40.19,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,And there you are, through there.\NThat's a goal. Wow.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:40.19,0:18:45.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That would be only interesting\Nif only the horses were\Nallowed to catch.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:45.47,0:18:47.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But that's actually\Nclosely related to
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:47.83,0:18:51.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,a game called pato.\NPato being the Spanish for...?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:51.43,0:18:52.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Duck.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:52.87,0:18:57.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead of having a ball,\Nthey would have a basket\Nwith a live duck in it!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:57.43,0:19:02.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And they would throw it,\Nand it became the national game of\NArgentina under Juan Peron in 1953.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:02.23,0:19:06.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He declared it the national game,\Nover football. I love the idea that,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:06.19,0:19:09.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,after the Hand of God, they said,\N"Look, let's just make this a sport."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:09.63,0:19:13.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But what about Quidditch?\NDoes anybody really play Quidditch? \NYes, they do.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:13.51,0:19:17.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Various American universities have\Nnow got Quidditch clubs. Hundreds.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:17.47,0:19:19.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Hundreds of them, yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:19.99,0:19:22.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a lot less exciting than\Nin the films.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:24.95,0:19:27.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They're running round with a broom\Nbetween their legs?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:27.67,0:19:31.39,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And catching and...\NYeah, it's... It's great\Nif you're in it, I'm sure.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:31.39,0:19:33.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're in the sweeper position!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:33.99,0:19:37.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's called Muggle Quidditch,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:37.23,0:19:41.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,not surprisingly, because\Nthey can't fly, and there are\Nover 200 college teams in America.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:41.95,0:19:43.23,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Do they play each other?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:43.23,0:19:48.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So, horseball has similar rules\Nto Quidditch, but the players ride\Non horses instead of broomsticks.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:48.55,0:19:53.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Which of these would you rather have\Non your Quidditch team?\NA Muggle, Hagrid, or Dumbledore?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:53.43,0:19:58.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it the one that looks like Julius\NCaesar about to be sick in a bucket?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:58.47,0:20:00.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know which one that is.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:00.71,0:20:01.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,On the left.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:01.99,0:20:03.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, I see. Yes, he does!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:03.99,0:20:06.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that's...Dudley, is it? Yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:06.59,0:20:09.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The point is, in a lot of JK\NRowling's work, the words are real,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:09.83,0:20:14.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and "dumbledore" is\Na real English word,\Nas is "hagrid", as is "muggle".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:14.83,0:20:17.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want you to tell me\Nwhat they really mean.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:17.27,0:20:20.63,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Dumbledore has got to be some sort\Nof a term for village idiot.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:20.63,0:20:22.63,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Funnily enough, yes, it became that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:22.63,0:20:27.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,In Thomas Hardy's Under The\NGreenwood Tree, it means a slow\Nsimpleton. It's used that way.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:27.39,0:20:29.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But actually,\Nit has an earlier meaning.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:29.67,0:20:33.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Is there a hagrid reference in one\Nof the Thomas Hardy books as well?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:33.59,0:20:36.15,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There may well be.\NOne of them, I don't know which.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:36.15,0:20:39.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sure... The longer form,\Nhagridden, I've seen many times,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:39.75,0:20:42.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but start with... Monster-like.\NStart with "muggle".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:42.71,0:20:45.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know where the word "muggle"\Nmight have been used?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:45.55,0:20:48.91,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Sounds like some sort of woodland\Ncreature or something furry.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:48.91,0:20:52.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Actually, it's an American jazz-age\Nword. It's a drug.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:52.07,0:20:55.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Marijuana?\NMarijuana is the right answer.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:55.11,0:21:00.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a word for marijuana,\Nfor cannabis, and more particularly\Nfor people who smoked it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:00.07,0:21:05.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,People who smoked marijuana were\Ncalled muggles. Hilarious!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:05.03,0:21:09.95,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,In New Orleans,\Nthey're all getting stoned, going,\N"Quidditch is really boring!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:14.15,0:21:17.35,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,In New Orleans, 1920s, that was it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:17.35,0:21:18.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the next word?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:18.51,0:21:22.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,We've got "hagrid", which is used in\NHardy, the Mayor Of Casterbridge.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:22.31,0:21:26.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,GRAHAM: I've seen it in the longer\Nform, hagridden! Yes, hagridden!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:26.07,0:21:29.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER\NVery good - clever of you!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:29.43,0:21:32.59,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,It means... Hagridden...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:32.59,0:21:36.55,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, it means a bony old horse...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:36.55,0:21:39.55,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a MARE. It's a nightmare.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:39.55,0:21:44.31,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes! It's a nightmare\Ninvolving a horse... No?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:44.31,0:21:47.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it something to do with somebody\Nplacing through...?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:47.79,0:21:51.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,If you had bad dreams,\Nyou were said to be hagridden.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:51.03,0:21:55.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Ah, that's great. Witches would come\Nto you in the night.\NThat's fantastic.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:55.67,0:21:59.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What's happened to her?! Is that a\Ndrunk person not finding the toilet?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:59.63,0:22:01.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Since records began...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:01.95,0:22:03.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That's horrible.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:05.71,0:22:09.55,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll feel terrible\Nwhen they wake up!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:09.55,0:22:13.91,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the relationship that's not\Ngoing to survive, isn't it?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:13.91,0:22:16.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,When people sleep badly these days,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:16.39,0:22:19.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,they think\Nthey've been probed by aliens,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:19.87,0:22:24.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but before the idea of aliens came,\Nit was goblins and witches\Nand demons, and hags.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:24.43,0:22:27.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's what hagridden means.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:27.07,0:22:30.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the horse doing?\NThat's the night-MARE.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:30.75,0:22:33.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He's operating the video.\NLAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:33.59,0:22:36.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,ALAN: Early sort of animal dogging.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:36.19,0:22:38.71,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Very good. With his big hooves!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:38.71,0:22:44.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So that leaves us with "dumbledore",\Nwhich, as you say,\Nhas been used to mean a simpleton.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:44.59,0:22:46.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,There's the great Gambon.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:46.71,0:22:50.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But it had an earlier meaning.\NThe first half of it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:50.39,0:22:54.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Dumble. Think of\Na rhyming word for "dumble".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:54.03,0:22:56.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Jumble. Jumble, mumble, crumble...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:56.95,0:22:59.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Not mumble. Ceiling!\NLAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:59.67,0:23:02.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't try me too hard,\NLee Mack. Stumble.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:02.47,0:23:03.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, you're... Bumble.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:03.75,0:23:05.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes. Bumblebee. A type of bee!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:05.79,0:23:08.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It is a bumblebee.\NI've redeemed myself.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:08.11,0:23:12.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,There were different ways\Nof saying it. A dore means\Na humming insect in old English.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:12.47,0:23:15.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,A dumbledore means a bumblebee.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:15.31,0:23:19.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's great. Isn't it? Pleasing.\NI can't believe I didn't know it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:19.03,0:23:22.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm really annoyed.\NI've missed out on precious points.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:22.07,0:23:26.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER\NYou got some points, from knowing\Nit was in Hardy. I'm pleased.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:26.47,0:23:27.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:27.99,0:23:33.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But how did Hogwarts tackle\Ndrinking problems?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:33.07,0:23:35.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that a character,\NDrinking Problems? No!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:35.67,0:23:38.91,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Harry Potter And\NThe Goblet Of Special Brew!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:38.91,0:23:42.91,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:44.67,0:23:48.03,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,The word existed\Nbefore the book, then. Yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:48.03,0:23:53.39,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,When the hog finds that the creek's\Nrun dry, there's nowhere to drink...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:53.39,0:23:56.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, it's drinking problems\Nof an alcoholic sort.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:56.15,0:23:57.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,GRAHAM: It's sailors.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:57.83,0:23:59.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, it is. In the US Navy.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:59.83,0:24:03.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Very good. They came straight\Nto your mind, didn't they?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:03.83,0:24:07.79,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I just thought,\N"Who drinks? Who drinks?" Sailors!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:07.79,0:24:12.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,This isn't fair! He's getting\Nquestions about Quidditch,\Nhe's getting questions about sailors!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:14.07,0:24:17.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And a particular branch of\Nthe US Navy - submariners.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:17.75,0:24:24.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, torpedoes, right,\Nused to run on ethyl alcohol.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:24.39,0:24:29.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That was their fuel. Since 1914,\Nthe US Navy have been dry,\Nyou're not allowed to drink.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:29.71,0:24:36.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,On board,\Nthey had 180% proof alcohol.\NSo, how to stop them drinking it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:36.71,0:24:38.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well... Putting it in...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:38.47,0:24:40.95,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,It would kill you unless\Nyou add tonic, I think.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:40.95,0:24:46.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It wouldn't kill you.\NThey had plenty of juices\Nthey could add to it, and they did.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:46.27,0:24:47.39,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Delicious, then!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:47.39,0:24:52.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, that's the point. You wanted to\Nstop it being delicious,\Nor make it dangerous for them.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:52.59,0:24:55.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Putting it inside a torpedo\Nwould go some way...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:55.19,0:24:57.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It had to be stored as fuel,\Nand it could be got at,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:57.83,0:25:01.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,so what you do is add something.\NThey started by adding methanol,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:01.47,0:25:03.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,known as pink lady,\Nwhich makes you blind.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:03.87,0:25:06.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They said, "If you drink this,\Nyou will go blind."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:06.99,0:25:10.87,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,We've all been told things\Nlike that. It didn't stop us!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:10.87,0:25:12.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the problem!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:12.19,0:25:15.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:16.15,0:25:18.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That's exactly the problem.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:18.31,0:25:20.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyway, it didn't work,\Nso they added...?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:20.59,0:25:22.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Something called croton oil,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:22.27,0:25:26.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,which came from the spurge plant,\Nknown as the hogwart.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:26.47,0:25:29.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So they added hogwart's juice.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:29.15,0:25:32.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And that made you vomit\Nand gave you diarrhoea.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:32.19,0:25:36.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But that didn't work either,\Nbecause they boiled it up,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:36.11,0:25:40.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and it condensed off again,\Nand they would carry on drinking it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:40.11,0:25:45.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They added pineapple juice.\NAnd also, regular alcohol\Nmakes you vomit...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:45.03,0:25:47.55,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a night out, isn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:47.55,0:25:49.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That's probably true.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:49.67,0:25:52.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But that was the role\Nthat hogwarts played, anyway.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:52.79,0:25:57.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,JK Rowling, in interviews, when\Nit was pointed out that there was\Nsuch a thing as hogwart,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:57.39,0:26:01.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,said that she thought she'd\Nmade it up herself, but that maybe\Nshe'd been to Kew Gardens
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:01.95,0:26:06.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and seen it and it just registers\Nin the back of your mind,\Nas these things often do.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:06.31,0:26:13.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I have visions of JK Rowling with\Na bottle of meths - "I made it up,\Nand if anyone says different..."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:13.07,0:26:19.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Roh-ling.\NWhat did I say? Row-ling.\NW before O, except after R.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:21.71,0:26:25.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Like "bowling", not like "howling".\NIt could be either, you're right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:25.59,0:26:29.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm not picking\Non you, Lee. I love you deeply.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:29.19,0:26:31.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LEE LAUGHS\NSorry, mustn't overdo it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:31.71,0:26:35.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,If you were, it would be\Nthe most middle-class way of\Npicking on anyone!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:35.63,0:26:38.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"I think you'll find\Nit's Roh-ling, like "bowling"!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:42.07,0:26:43.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Stop the bully!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:45.19,0:26:49.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,During the war,\NAmerican sailors used to drink\Ntorpedo fuel cocktails,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:49.27,0:26:52.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,though the Navy tried to stop them\Nby adding hogwart oil.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:52.39,0:26:58.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, here's a Harry question.\NWhy does the Domesday Book contain\Nso many empty villages in Yorkshire?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:58.39,0:27:00.47,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,'Expelliarmus!'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:00.47,0:27:04.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it...the Harrowing of the North?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:04.19,0:27:09.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The Harrying of the North. Ah,\Nright, OK. My understanding of it\Nis that there was basically...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:09.67,0:27:15.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In the city of York,\Nthere was an uprising against\Nthe Norman troops that were there,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:15.47,0:27:21.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and then, basically, all the people\Nin the city realised
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:21.79,0:27:25.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that they were vastly\Noutnumbering the soldiers.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:25.07,0:27:27.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He's right, you're doing well!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:27.27,0:27:31.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But then there was a decree sent by\Nthe King after this uprising,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:31.59,0:27:34.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and everything was burnt\Nfrom 100 miles.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:34.35,0:27:40.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You got the salient points, yes.\NWilliam the Bastard, as he was\Nknown, William the Conqueror.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:40.23,0:27:42.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the matter?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:42.99,0:27:46.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't be put off by a young person\Nknowing more than you, Alan.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:46.47,0:27:50.23,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,You must be used to it by now.\NI'm just mucking about, sir, sorry.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:51.79,0:27:54.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So what did he say, what is it?\NI wasn't listening!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:54.43,0:27:57.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER\NOh, you're in trouble!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:57.63,0:28:02.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The Harrying...\NWe weren't concentrating. We were\Nthinking about ten-pin "bow-ling".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:04.83,0:28:10.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Well...the Harrowing of the North,\Nfor those at the back,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:10.11,0:28:14.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,was the worst example of genocide...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:15.03,0:28:20.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E.\NOh, you're in trouble!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:20.43,0:28:24.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,As it's Christmas,\NI'm going to be very lenient.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:24.47,0:28:29.27,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It was actually our worst-ever\Nact of genocide...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:29.27,0:28:31.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:35.07,0:28:37.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You see?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:37.03,0:28:40.91,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I've done tits!\NYes, tits... Fabulous(!)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:40.91,0:28:41.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I've done tits!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:41.95,0:28:45.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Sorry, what about this...?\NIt's Mack, sir. He made me do it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:45.75,0:28:48.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,People from the north were\Nruthlessly killed. Oh.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:48.59,0:28:52.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:57.15,0:29:00.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You say ruthlessly -\Nwith a war-cry of,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:00.43,0:29:03.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"It's Rowling as in bowling!\NOff with his head!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:03.35,0:29:05.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, exactly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:05.79,0:29:09.39,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,They killed them, sir?\NThey killed them in the north?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:09.39,0:29:14.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They killed them. The Normans\Nslaughtered one in ten of everyone\Nin the north, 100,000 people.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:14.03,0:29:17.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And those that survived mostly died\Nof starvation or lived in...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:17.95,0:29:21.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But little did they know\Nhow good we were at breeding! Yes!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:21.83,0:29:25.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But it took decades. It really was\Nlaid absolutely waste.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:25.75,0:29:29.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The Harrying of the North.\NIt sounds gentle,\N"I'll give him a harrying,"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:29.79,0:29:32.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was vile. That's Harrying,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:32.19,0:29:38.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But what about Pottering?\NWhat creature was the subject of\NBeatrix Potter's first work?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:38.39,0:29:40.51,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I bet it's not Peter Rabbit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:40.51,0:29:41.67,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Is the right answer!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:41.67,0:29:43.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LEE: Thank God you stopped me!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:44.95,0:29:46.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Would you have said rabbit?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:46.75,0:29:49.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd have said,\N"Is it not Peter Rabbit?"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:49.19,0:29:52.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No... I would have said rabbit, yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:52.43,0:29:55.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, her first work was not\Na children's book.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:29:55.15,0:29:58.31,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Wasn't it the book that they based\Nthe film Boogie Nights on?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:02.31,0:30:08.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It'd be so lovely if I were to say,\N"Yes! And that's 100 points! How\Nextraordinary you should know that!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:08.47,0:30:11.47,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"Rollergirl was based on\NBeatrix Potter's mother!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:11.47,0:30:15.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, it was a serious work\Nof botanical -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:15.31,0:30:17.95,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,as it was then called,\Nit's now mycological - study.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:17.95,0:30:20.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What is mycology? Does that mean\Nanything to you?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:20.39,0:30:24.03,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,The study of people called Mike.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:24.03,0:30:29.87,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,That would be interesting in\Nits way. No, it's fungus. Fungus.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:29.87,0:30:31.59,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Why did the mushroom go to\Nthe party?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:31.59,0:30:35.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Because he was\Na fun-gi to be with! Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:35.15,0:30:37.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Ah! Anyway,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:37.83,0:30:39.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,yeah, that's what she did.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:39.03,0:30:42.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,She wrote a book, it was presented\Nby her uncle to the Linnean Society
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:42.83,0:30:46.59,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,in the 1890s. Why by her uncle? Why\Nnot by her? Because she was a woman.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:46.59,0:30:51.55,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm afraid that's the case.\NIt took them 100 years to\Napologise for the slight. And also,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:51.55,0:30:55.35,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,she was a mushroom expert -\Nwho wants to meet her?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:30:55.35,0:31:00.51,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Well...! You know what I mean!\NIt was like, "Yeah, talk to Beatrix,\Nshe's great on mushrooms..."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:00.51,0:31:02.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,She couldn't even do the joke,\Ncould she?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:02.59,0:31:05.27,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,She couldn't even say,\N"But I'm a fun-gi to be with." No.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:05.27,0:31:10.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But she did then write a story for\Nthe son of a former nanny\Nabout Peter Rabbit,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:10.47,0:31:13.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and it started with the words,\N"Once upon a time,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:13.75,0:31:15.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"there were\Nfour rabbits, called..."?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:15.75,0:31:18.27,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Flipsy, Bipsy, Dopsy and Flopsy,\Nor something.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:18.27,0:31:20.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Close, but not... Flopsy, Mopsy,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:20.23,0:31:22.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Cottontail and...?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:22.11,0:31:24.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,AUDIENCE: Peter. They know.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:24.71,0:31:28.55,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Exactly. She wrote that after\Nshe's had a massive bag of\Nmagic mushrooms!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:30.23,0:31:33.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And she did the illustrations,\Nand the recipient said,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:33.15,0:31:36.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"You should publish them." She did,\Nand became a gigantic success.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:36.55,0:31:39.15,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Mr McGregor! Agh!\NIn 1903, Peter Rabbit was
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:39.15,0:31:43.39,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,the first merchandised\Nlicensed toy ever. DANIEL: Wow!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:43.39,0:31:45.87,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it fair to say\Nit outsold her mushroom book?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:45.87,0:31:46.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It did! It so did, yeah!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:46.99,0:31:50.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Very fair to say.\NBut she lived in central London,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:50.79,0:31:55.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you go to Brompton Cemetery,\Nin fashionable west London,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:55.11,0:31:59.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,do you know what you see\Non the gravestones there?\NMassive rabbit. No.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:31:59.83,0:32:01.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,GRAHAM: Mushrooms!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:01.59,0:32:05.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You see the inspiration\Nfor some of her greatest works.\NIt's quite fun...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:05.23,0:32:07.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Jemima Puddle-Duck.\NNot that, but there's...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:07.59,0:32:10.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Big bag of crack.\NPeter Rabbett, there's...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:10.59,0:32:13.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a grave for a Peter Rabbett,\Nspelled B-B-E-T-T,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:13.55,0:32:17.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,there's a Jeremiah Fisher, there's\Na Mr Nutkins, there's a Mr Brock
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:17.03,0:32:18.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and a Mr McGregor.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:18.87,0:32:22.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,All there. So it looks like,\Nwhen she was looking for names,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:22.07,0:32:25.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,she just wandered around and\Nchose them from the gravestones.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:25.47,0:32:30.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyway, Beatrix Potter was\Na rather successful botanist\Nbefore becoming a children's author.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:30.39,0:32:32.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Her first publication was\Nabout fungi.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:32.43,0:32:36.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, that's it for magic.\NNow for the tricky bit -\Nit's general ignorance.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:36.19,0:32:41.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Fingers on buzzers, if you'd please.\NWhen should you open the first door\Non your Advent calendar?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:41.43,0:32:43.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Abracadabra.' Yeah?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:43.79,0:32:45.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,First of December. Oh!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:45.51,0:32:46.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,KLAXON BLARES
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:46.99,0:32:49.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't say December the first! Hey!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:49.71,0:32:52.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Nice try to get out of it!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:52.47,0:32:57.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, it's the fourth Sunday\Nbefore Christmas, and that can be\None of a range of days
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:57.15,0:32:59.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,between November 27th\Nand December 3rd.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:32:59.19,0:33:02.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The point is, you open it\Non Advent Sunday.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:02.23,0:33:07.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,To be honest, I don't usually\Nhave one. Aw, don't you?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:07.15,0:33:12.35,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,As your children grow up, you will.\NYou will. They'll love them.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:12.35,0:33:15.55,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I just stopped getting mine.\NDid you stop getting them? Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:15.55,0:33:17.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt 19 was then the last one.\NRight. I'm 20.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:17.83,0:33:20.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So you've got to buy them 20 years'\Nworth of Advent calendars.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:20.95,0:33:23.87,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Can you get them a Kelly Brook\NAdvent calendar? I'm not sure!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:23.87,0:33:25.75,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You cannot!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:25.75,0:33:28.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's very bad. Very bad.\NThat's quite creepy.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:30.15,0:33:33.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you remember when pubs used to\Nhave the peanuts on the card?\NOh, yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:33.83,0:33:35.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And there would be a naked girl.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:35.47,0:33:41.91,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,As you pulled them off, there'd be a\Ngirl beneath, encouraging the blokes\Nto eat more nuts! "Get more nuts!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:44.39,0:33:48.35,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Johnny Vegas told me that\Nin his local pub in St Helens,\Nit was a topless pub,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:48.35,0:33:52.39,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you paid an extra 50p,\Nshe'd dip it in the pint\Nbefore she gave it to you.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:52.39,0:33:55.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Divert your ears!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:33:57.15,0:34:00.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Please! ALAN: How erotic(!)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:02.91,0:34:04.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,More often than not,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:04.87,0:34:08.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Advent actually starts in November,\Nnot on December 1st.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:08.11,0:34:10.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So, who'd like to pull\Na Christmas cracker?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:10.83,0:34:13.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I've got one.\NThey've even got your names on.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:13.31,0:34:15.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That's Lee's...and that's Alan's.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:15.31,0:34:20.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you. There you are, pass them\Non. You can see the names there.\NOne for Graham, one for Daniel.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:20.71,0:34:22.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,With each other?\NShall we do that?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:25.51,0:34:27.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, I lost twice. Great.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:27.31,0:34:31.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That worked quite well. Give him\None of the jokes, Alan,\Nif you'd be so kind.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:31.95,0:34:34.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No way. Oh, you must.\NLet him have a joke.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:34.43,0:34:38.31,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,So, Graham, would you like to\Nread your joke? OK, here we go.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:41.07,0:34:42.99,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh! Did you write these, Stephen?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:45.07,0:34:49.07,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Are they good? It just sounds like\Nsomething you might write.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:49.07,0:34:51.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Knock-knock... Who's there?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:51.71,0:34:54.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,To. To who?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:54.23,0:34:57.47,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,To whom, surely!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:34:57.47,0:35:00.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE\NThat's a good joke.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:03.79,0:35:05.31,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"S Fry."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:05.31,0:35:07.35,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, dear. Lee, what's your joke?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:07.35,0:35:09.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Knock-knock... Who's there?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:09.03,0:35:11.39,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,JK Row-ling...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:12.75,0:35:16.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No. What cheese do you use\Nto coax a bear out of its cave?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:16.99,0:35:21.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What cheese do you use\Nto coax a bear out of its cave?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:21.07,0:35:24.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on, bear! Camembert, brilliant!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:24.43,0:35:27.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Come on, bear!"\NCamembert, very good!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:28.87,0:35:30.63,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that really it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:30.63,0:35:34.15,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. I didn't even know\Nbears liked cheese.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:34.15,0:35:37.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They love it.\NNo. I'm not going to...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:37.83,0:35:40.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not going to fall for\Nthat one, Lee. Daniel.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:40.47,0:35:42.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Who is the most famous\Nmarried woman in America?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:42.83,0:35:44.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS\NI didn't hear that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:44.99,0:35:46.87,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,AUDIENCE MEMBER: Mississippi!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:46.87,0:35:50.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Mrs Sippi!\NThat's really...excellent.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:50.87,0:35:55.91,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Alan. What disease can you get\Nfrom decorating a Christmas tree?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:55.91,0:35:57.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LEE: Syphilis.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:35:59.35,0:36:03.27,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Tinsel-itis. No?\NYes, it is. Tinsel-itis.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:03.27,0:36:09.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, there you are. Now, you'll be\Npleased to know there's a department\Nof the University of Hampshire
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:09.51,0:36:12.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,called the Public Understanding\Nof Psychology,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:12.51,0:36:17.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and Richard Wiseman has\Na theory about cracker jokes,\Nwhich is they SHOULD be bad.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:17.43,0:36:21.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Why... Why is that a good thing?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:21.15,0:36:22.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Alan.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:22.39,0:36:25.67,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Who's speaking?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:25.67,0:36:30.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You're wishing you hadn't had that\Nmethanol now. Jokes should be bad?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:30.19,0:36:33.03,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it because...\NTo make us feel superior? Sorry?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:33.03,0:36:35.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,To make us feel superior?\NSort of the opposite.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:35.75,0:36:39.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They've always been bad and we don't\Nlike change? Partly, maybe,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:39.43,0:36:42.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but his theory is that not everybody\Nwill always find a joke funny.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:42.83,0:36:46.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Therefore, the moment you tell\Na joke, at a party in particular,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:46.19,0:36:47.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,you divide the room into two -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:47.71,0:36:50.07,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,those who liked it,\Nand those who didn't.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:50.07,0:36:54.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And sometimes nobody likes it and\Nthe person who tells it feels bad,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:54.03,0:36:57.87,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,whereas if everybody knows the joke\Nis a terrible, groaning joke,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:36:57.87,0:37:00.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,it's everybody against the joke.\NEverybody's bonded.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:00.79,0:37:05.31,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So yes, cracker jokes are bad\Nbecause they are,\Nand that's why they're not bad.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:05.31,0:37:08.83,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So that's it for\Nthis cracking QI Christmas.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:08.83,0:37:11.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's just check the scores\Nand see how we're doing.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:11.79,0:37:15.75,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, my goodness me.\NI think I've done very well!\NIt's really exciting.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:15.75,0:37:20.23,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Winning, on his first appearance,\Nwith ten points,\Nis Daniel Radcliffe!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:20.23,0:37:22.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:24.63,0:37:27.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And in second place with\Nfour points, Graham Norton!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:27.59,0:37:31.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:34.39,0:37:37.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's pretty tight\Nbelow the salt.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:37.19,0:37:39.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,In third place with -18, Lee Mack!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:39.51,0:37:41.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:41.99,0:37:43.95,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That just leaves you, son!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:43.95,0:37:51.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And, just in last place is our\Nstable donkey, Alan Davies, on -19!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:51.15,0:37:53.87,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:57.67,0:37:59.99,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, it would be\Nno kind of Christmas party
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:37:59.99,0:38:03.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,if it didn't end with tricks\Nand japes and larks of all kinds,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:03.11,0:38:05.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,so have you got a trick or a jape\Nlined up, Alan?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:05.55,0:38:06.79,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I have something, yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:06.79,0:38:10.87,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Ooh, who are you going to\Nplay it on? If I could ask Lee\Nto be my Debbie McGee?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:10.87,0:38:14.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER\NI'm not falling for this again!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:14.07,0:38:16.27,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Take it. Take it away. Come on!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:16.27,0:38:19.15,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,This is my equipment, Lee.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:19.15,0:38:22.67,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,If I could ask you to lie\Nin the box, your head\Nat that end, please...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:22.67,0:38:25.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,This is like the time you told me\Nto smell your hankie.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:25.83,0:38:27.55,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:27.55,0:38:31.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Chloroform joke.\NOh, chloroform. Thank God!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:31.19,0:38:34.79,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:34.79,0:38:37.43,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,All the way back, if you don't mind.\NAll the way in.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:37.43,0:38:41.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Just tuck yourself in under there.\NHang on, sawing? I didn't see that!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:41.83,0:38:44.95,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Just look this way,\Nconcentrate on the audience. Smile.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:44.95,0:38:48.47,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You're very happy, you're relaxed.\NI'm having the time of my life(!)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:48.47,0:38:52.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you sure you're all the way in?\NAre you sure you know\Nwhat you're doing?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:52.67,0:38:56.23,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Ooh, hello! I can see why Phill\NJupitus wasn't invited on this week!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:38:57.87,0:39:01.27,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Ow! Ow!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:04.87,0:39:07.23,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe I should have had Daniel!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:07.23,0:39:10.63,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that would have been more\Nsensible! I can't feel my legs!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:10.63,0:39:13.71,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I used to play\Na magician's assistant, you know?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:15.47,0:39:18.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Ow! That's the bit.\NJust try and relax.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:18.99,0:39:22.19,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,ELECTRIC SAW BUZZES\NOh, my God! Whoa!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:22.19,0:39:24.59,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:25.91,0:39:28.79,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you ready? Just relax.\NIt won't hurt at all.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:28.79,0:39:30.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LEE SCREAMS
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:33.15,0:39:37.55,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you all right? What?\NI said, are you all right?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:37.55,0:39:40.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You're cutting my belly in half!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:40.11,0:39:41.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Wow!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:41.51,0:39:47.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Brilliant. Don't worry, you've worked\Nwith all the professionals -\NDouglas Bader, Heather Mills...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:47.67,0:39:50.39,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:50.39,0:39:53.83,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm under stress! Let's just see,\Nthere's his arm.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:53.83,0:39:57.75,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes. The arm's not the bit\NI'm worried about.\NYes, that's working fine.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:39:57.75,0:40:02.31,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, ladies and gentlemen,\Nif this has worked...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:02.31,0:40:04.07,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:04.07,0:40:06.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, my word!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:06.79,0:40:10.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE\NYes! Look at that!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:13.15,0:40:14.87,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Blimey!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:16.47,0:40:18.03,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Brilliant!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:18.03,0:40:22.11,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Alan Davies and the glamorous\NLee Mack, ladies and gentlemen!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:22.11,0:40:25.31,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:25.31,0:40:30.23,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, all I can say... Hang on!\NSurely you don't leave it like that?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:30.23,0:40:35.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Just hang there for the moment, Lee,\Nand we will see.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:35.19,0:40:38.51,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's going to be hard to top, boys.\NCan you do something similar?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:38.51,0:40:41.39,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Well! Come with me,\NDaniel Radcliffe.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:41.39,0:40:42.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, I say.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:42.43,0:40:45.23,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,This did seem like a good idea,\Nso, er...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:45.23,0:40:47.43,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Shall I? If you want to\Nkneel down there...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:47.43,0:40:48.67,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:48.67,0:40:52.07,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,OK. This feels very wrong,\Ndoesn't it?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:52.07,0:40:54.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:55.23,0:40:57.95,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Children are watching and sobbing!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:40:59.35,0:41:00.75,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"What's he doing?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:00.75,0:41:05.03,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"He found Dorothy,\Nnow he's killing Harry Potter!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:07.55,0:41:10.27,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,OK... Daniel, you have...\NAre you all right, there?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:10.27,0:41:14.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Daniel, have you finished both of\Nthe Harry Potter films by now?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:14.71,0:41:16.27,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It'll be fine, it'll be fine!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:16.27,0:41:19.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They can usually finish them\Nwithout you!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:19.19,0:41:21.83,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm so bad at this,\NI was about to lean through.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:21.83,0:41:24.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:24.59,0:41:27.47,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you all right there?\NAre you comfortable?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:27.47,0:41:30.39,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, it's lovely, thank you.\NNothing can go wrong.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:30.39,0:41:32.47,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Wouldn't it be awful...?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:33.79,0:41:38.15,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,No, you know what I mean? We had\Nthe stuff about the bullet, and...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:38.15,0:41:40.19,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It could go wrong!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:40.19,0:41:46.11,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There'll be a story,\N"Then Graham got distracted by\Na bright light. Oh, he's dead!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:46.11,0:41:48.23,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Have I done...?\NI think I've done it all right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:48.23,0:41:50.59,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:50.59,0:41:54.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You'll live on in films forever.\NLAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:56.11,0:41:59.51,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,DRUM ROLL\NDrum roll! OK, here we go.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:41:59.51,0:42:03.47,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,So, three, two...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:03.47,0:42:05.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,AUDIENCE: One...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:05.11,0:42:07.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,AUDIENCE GASP AND APPLAUD
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:07.99,0:42:11.15,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,On that bombshell,\Nladies and gentlemen...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:13.51,0:42:15.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, Graham.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:18.71,0:42:21.71,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You saw it here. It'll be\Non YouTube before you can speak,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:21.71,0:42:23.79,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but my goodness me,\Non that bombshell,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:23.79,0:42:25.47,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,it's thanks to Lee and Alan...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:25.47,0:42:28.99,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:28.99,0:42:32.43,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,..and it's thanks to Graham and\Nthe late Daniel Radcliffe!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:32.43,0:42:34.71,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:42:34.71,0:42:39.39,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And a very merry Christmas\Nto you all, good night!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:43:01.07,0:43:04.11,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:43:04.11,0:43:07.15,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,E-mail [email protected]