QI (2003–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Electricity - full transcript
Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening
and welcome to QI for another
reckless poke of the screwdriver
into the fuse box of the unknown.
Joining me in the cupboard
under the stairs tonight
are the slightly shocking
Sean Lock... Thank you.
The very current Rich Hall.
The positively electro-magnetic
Jo Brand!
And the wiry young shaver socket,
Alan Davies.
Tonight, we cast an eclectic light
on the subject of electricity.
Let's complete the circuit.
Sean goes...
Jo goes...
Rich goes...
And Alan goes...
Good old Alan.
Now, don't forget,
each edition in the E-series
encloses an elephant.
The first to spot it
by waving your elephant card
will win our generous
'Elephant in the room' bonus.
Like so.
Otherwise, simply electrify me
with interestingness.
Anyway, the atmosphere's already
absolutely... Electric.
You'll have to do better than that!
Now, question one, I think.
I'm naked.
It's pouring with rain.
Can you give me a good reason
why I should crouch down
with my bottom in the air?
Jo? Steven, I wouldn't have thought
you'd need a good reason.
Thank you for that. I don't think
you need a reason cos nobody will
ask what you're doing.
It's a clear signal
you want some time alone.
I'm just picturing that image.
One of the most erotic I've ever...
It would make a great Athena poster!
Your buttocks in the rain.
On bedroom walls up and down
the country.
I think it's because your bottom is
the least likely part to be struck
by lightning.
You're sort of in the right...
I'm going with the electric thing.
Right. It's to do with lightning.
It's a good stance to adopt
if you're caught in a lightning
storm. Can't you just moon?
Lightning, everyone!
What should you not do?
Climb to the top of a pylon,
or something like that?
Hold a 40-foot metal pole.
'Come on!'
Don't put on a metal hat on the golf
course. Don't stand under a tree.
What's the problem with being
under a tree?
They're more likely to be struck
by lightning. What happens?
A big flash, a lot of flame.
All the squirrels fall on your head.
You might get burned. The sap boils
in an instantaneous way
and the tree explodes.
You're covered in splinters. The
best thing is to get into a car.
Really? Yeah.
Drive away from the rain.
Close the door and stay in the car.
It acts as a 'Faraday cage'.
It bars electro-magnetic fields.
It's 30 million volts you can get
in a bolt of lightning.
Why can't we harness that power,
Stephen?
Are you more likely to be struck
if you're a man or woman? Man.
Men are out and about a lot more,
aren't they?
You're six times more likely to be
struck if you're a man.
The man has to hold the umbrella,
cos if the woman holds it, it keeps
jabbing the man in the eye.
That's why he's more likely
to be struck.
Is it because women wear more rubber
than men?
It conducts through them. A lot of
women wear rubber pants. Do they?
Did you not know that? No. No.
Not really my area.
The...wire...
Do you have wire in bras?
Does one? You do if you have
massive knockers that are
in danger of injuring people.
I do fall into that category.
You're not doing badly.
Thank you. A fulsome pair
of fun-bags there.
Do you know what?
That was almost heterosexual.
Well. I may be on the turn.
It wasn't, though, was it?
I'd like to hear you whisper that
when you're bent over naked
in the rain!
'A fulsome pair of fun bags'!
People around you are getting struck
by lightning. Never mind!
The wire won't attract the lightning
but it will superheat
when you're struck.
So your bosoms blow up.
How exciting! I'm gonna have a go!
There's an actor I worked with and
he was walking along the street
and a manhole cover next to him got
struck by lightning.
It flew up in the air
and landed on his head.
Instead of being hit by a manhole
he should have been showing
his man hole to the lightning.
The quite interesting thing is,
how often does lightning strike
the earth on an average day?
Four. Four?!
We've got four.
I can say it's more than four.
If anybody would like to...
Is it five?
It's 17 million times a day.
No way! No!
It's about 200 times a second.
Why can't we harness that power,
Stephen?
Perhaps we should.
How many people in Britain
are killed each year
by lightning strikes?
12. 30. Two.
It's between three and six.
Not very many. Four or five?
Four or five would do it!
In America?
Probably a lot more
because there's more of us.
400 Americans a year die of it.
About 1,000 are injured. One
American, seven times he was struck.
A park ranger at the
Shenandoah National Park.
I know that guy!
Well, he did die in 1983.
I knew him in 1982,
the last time he got hit.
Do you know how he died?
He was very testy.
Very irritable.
His name was Roy Sullivan.
That's not what they called him,
though. They called him 'Burnie'.
He shot himself in 1983.
Jeez. He should have just crouched
down with his man-hole in the air!
If you're caught in an electrical
storm, don't shelter under a tree.
The best thing is get into your car.
Failing that, crouch down to a ball
with your head down to your knees
and hands clasped behind your head.
Now, I have a conundrum for you.
Can horses catch eels?
Rather attractive horse, isn't it?
Not a bad looking eel, either!
You prefer the eel? I like the eel.
You can do more with the eel,
but the horse...
It's very hard to get a horse
down your pants.
It genuinely is
a very attractive horse.
Mmm. Nice hair.
I bet he's a wanker, that horse.
Bet he runs round
going, 'Look at me!'
Anyway, can horses catch eels?
That's the question.
I think they can.
How would they go about it?
With a net.
There was this German who observed
in South America
the way humans used horses
to catch eels.
A particular kind of eel.
Was it an electric eel?
It was, because that's our theme
of the day.
An electric eel. How would you use
a horse to catch...
Why can't you catch an electric
eel... Do they hold a fork
with bread on it
and try and get the eels to toast it
with their electricity?
You have to be on a horse
or you'll get electrocuted.
Or something. The problem
with electric eels is you get
a very nasty shock. 650 volts.
Put you right off it. The horses
were sent into the water.
The eels would go crazy and
discharge all their electricity
until their batteries were flat
and they could be harvested.
The poor horses had heart attacks
and died of fright
and drowned and got very upset. So
it was rather mean. Got very upset?
Yes. 'Distressed' is the word
we use of animals.
'Don't like it in the water.
There's eels!'
Oww!
They wouldn't do it
to that nice pretty one, I hope.
You like the tousled hair look.
There are boys all over England
doing themselves in your style now.
They'll send you horsey photos.
Half of an electric eel's
whole physiology is devoted
to creating electricity.
They have a powerful kick, but once
it's used up, they're easy to catch.
They're not actually eels.
They're a knife fish.
69 species there are
of electric fish,
including the torpedo fish.
That comes from the Latin 'torpore'
meaning 'to numb'.
It was used as an anaesthetic
by the Romans
and from that the underwater missile
was named.
Here's a big question.
In 1903, Thomas Alva Edison
released a movie
whose title consisted of three words
two of which begin with 'E'.
What was it, and who starred in it?
I know, we've nearly forgotten them,
but here it is.
You're absolutely right.
It was called
'Electrocuting An Elephant'.
He made a film in which an elephant
was electrocuted. ..Hooray!
You win those points.
How many points? Ten points.
Now why would Edison want to
electrocute an elephant?
He wanted to electrocute
the biggest thing he could,
to show he was good at it.
Actually, it was the reverse,
you see.
He believed his direct current
was safe and wouldn't hurt people
and didn't electrocute.
He wanted to destroy the reputation
of alternating current
which was owned by Westinghouse,
so he used the word 'Westinghoused'
to mean electrocuted.
This elephant Topsy was sentenced
to death on Coney Island
because Topsy had killed
three human beings.
Was he going to be hanged,
poisoned? What would happen
to Topsy?
Hanged?! It's quite a picture,
isn't it?
Oh, poor elephant!
So Edison won the right
to electrocute him in public
to show how dangerous it was.
'This thing in your homes
will kill an elephant.'
He filmed it as a PR film.
Like a snuff film!
A snuff film, exactly.
He gave it 460g of cyanide
and potassium, in carrots,
he had wooden sandals
lined with copper put on her feet -
it was a she elephant -
and then a current of 6,600 volts
sent through her body.
She died without a trumpet
or a groan. He filmed the event.
He wanted electrocution to be known
as 'Westinghoused'.
He trampled... He just went nuts
and trampled people?
No, he hid in their rooms
when they came home. He jumped out,
strangled them...
He got away with it for months.
Nobody would have caught him but...
A cunning disguise! ..he left
tell-tale signs around the flat!
A big elephant-shaped hole
in the wall!
The first murder on Topsy's hands
was killing a trainer
who, frankly, deserved to die
because the trainer gave her
a lit cigarette to eat.
And it killed him? Yeah!
'Don't do that again!'
I like the sound of Topsy.
She's a little bit...
Some elephants are evolving that
don't have tusks. Did you know?
Because the ones with tusks
get poached. Get shot.
So the ones with smaller tusks
don't get shot.
So the small tusk gene lives on
more frequently
and there's elephants
that don't grow tusks.
I like that. I like it.
There's some tigers now
that are being made of Axminster.
Now stop it!
Nice animals. Not as sexy
as certain horses, but...
Raaarghh! Anyway,
let's raise the stakes now
with something more technical.
How fast do the electrons move along
an electric wire?
They don't.
The very words
we thought you might use.
Really?
I would have said something...
It's really very, very fast.
I would have said that.
I didn't say that.
I would have said about 30 or 40
miles an hour. Deceptively slow.
I would have said it's a bit of
a crap question, really. Why so?
Well, because modern physicists see
electrons
as something you would call
probability density functions.
That is an absolutely precise
description
of what quantum physics
does call an electron.
I'm immensely impressed. I have to
give you five points, if not ten!
Astounding!
It was exactly that.
They do call them that.
They are dimensionalist entities
that are quite hard to understand.
They do travel along electrical
wires, and you're right to say slow.
They're actually
0.03 miles per hour.
Snail's pace along the wire.
But electricity itself
is incredibly quick.
Think of waves. If you had
a tube full of marbles,
and you pushed a marble in one end,
another marble would come out
the other end,
almost instantly, but the marbles
inside are travelling slowly.
It's the wave front
that moves very fast.
That's how the electrons
travel along,
literally at a snail's pace,
the speed of a snail. Does that work
if you get ten snails together?
If you push the end snail?
We'll try that later.
It's a lovely experiment.
It must be done.
Now we come on to
our experimental round.
What is the most interesting thing
you can do
with the objects on the trays
beneath your desks?
Oh!
Tell them what you have
in front of you.
I have lasagne... Lasagne.
A gherkin, which I'm liable to eat
cos I'm ravenous.
I've got a bit of cable.
You can heat it up. Heat
the gherkin. Heat the lasagne.
Plug the thing into the thing.
I think this is how
Alan Sugar started Amstrad.
It's one of is first computers.
'There you go, 30 quid.'
You're absolutely right.
You've done the right thing.
It's some kind of... Gherkins
because they're pickled.
And then... I don't know anything.
That's honest, if nothing else.
Jesus!
Yes?
This is part of Kate Moss's
new range at Top Shop.
Size zero!
It's... Nothing's happening!
No, but the gherkin will behave
as a light bulb.
If you put a charge through
a gherkin, it will glow.
The lasagne can provide the power.
Because it's salty, and salt is
an electrolyte,
the two types of metal in the lid
and in the pan,
as long as they don't touch
each other and short out...
One of our elves experimented
over the weekend
demonstrating how a gherkin
light bulb works.
You can see a lit gherkin.
This is one of our elves.
Wow! Isn't that great?
It's like kids' TV in the '70s,
isn't it? Yeah!
Where's the lasagne?
..Then we unplug.
Well, unfortunately,
you would need a lasagne
perhaps appropriately,
the size of the floor plan
of the Gherkin Building.
I'm having one of those
when I get home tonight!
About five football pitches-worth.
If I'm cycling home tonight,
I shouldn't put a lasagne
on the crossbar.
'No, I have got lights, Officer!'
'Careful, it's hot!'
These will be in the shops soon.
The lasagne pod!
As far as trying this at home goes,
wiring a gherkin
to the electric lights,
don't, obviously. Be sensible and
don't do anything because I tell you
to or tell you not to.
Live your own lives!
Be sensible. Try and do that.
Shag horses! Yeah! Come on!
Now, in an abrupt 'volte-face',
we turn face-to-face
with the ghastly spectre
of general ignorance.
Fingers on electrical devices.
What is the difference
between a ship and a boat?
Yes, Jo?
Has a ship got curtains?
That's just about the oddest answer
I've ever heard to any question.
No? It may have curtains,
but so may a boat.
Ships are bigger.
They are bigger. Ships have
lifeboats. Boats don't have any
because they're already a boat.
We're talking navy here.
In the navy,
a ship is any vessel which is...
..Named.
No. Surface.
Ships, frigates, destroyers,
anything like that
except little dinghies and
life-boats, which are boats.
A boat is a submarine?
A boat is a submarine
and some are bigger than
three frigates put together.
So what's the difference?
A boat is a submarine.
A submarine goes underwater.
Sorry, Stephen. What about like a...
But what about...
What about like a rowing boat?
Is that a ship, then?
They don't have them in the navy!
Yes, you do!
They don't have rowing boats in the
navy, do they? They might have oars
on a lifeboat.
But it's not a vessel of the line.
Is it a rowing ship, then?
If it's the navy, yes,
it's a rowing ship.
So the only boats in the navy
are submarines.
Yes. That's complete bollocks!
It's true. The only vessels of the
line that are called a boat
are submarines in the navy.
I... I fail to agree.
I'll tell you something else.
There's not two moons.
In German there's das Schiff
and das Boot. Das 'boht'.
Spelt with two o's, but pronounced
'boat'. No, it isn't. It is.
It's pronounced 'boht'. Not unless
you're from Newcastle!
I was in Germany for the World Cup
and two lads came up and said, 'Do
you know where t' jump house is?'
Jump house. Jump house?
Jump house is the slang term
for a brothel, turns out.
Modern German. Soon as they said it,
I knew. 'Up there'.
There's something so camp
about modern German.
Know what they call a mobile phone?
It's so camp! Handy.
Mein Handy.
Mein handy!
Oh, where is my handy?
Are you hosting the Baftas
this year?
No. No?
It's a shame.
You could do it in that voice.
Hello and welcome to the Baftas.
Stop it! No.
Anyway, it's a purely
naval tradition.
In true English you could call it
a ship or a boat,
and who could say nay.
But that was the nature of our
question, foolish as it was.
As well as inventing the battery,
Alessandro Volta,
after whom the volt is named,
also discovered methane.
Which animal contributes most
methane to the atmosphere?
Yes? The cow.
Ants.
No, termites.
Is the right answer!
Well done!
I only...
I only know that because I had a
swanky business lunch with the
producer and he let it slip!
What do I do? For the honesty,
I'm inclined to let you keep
your points.
What sort of showbiz lunch do you
talk about termite farts?
Where's your career going?
This IS my career, mate.
You're in it!
Can I say, I was there
and I completely ignored it.
Methane is a much worse
greenhouse gas than CO2.
In fact, it's about 23 times worse!
They are staggeringly populous.
Why don't we feed them
on something like a clear soup?
A nice broth that hasn't got pungent
vegetable matter in it. Like that.
You could never make that many
termite bowls.
How do cows produce methane?
What do cows do?
Farting. They don't fart it.
They burp it, oddly enough.
Oh. So if you went round
with a lighter
and they went...
Presumably, yes! Maybe that's where
the dragon myth came from.
Very good!
It burped a bit of methane, set
light to it, 'Oh! The dragon!'
How did you two end up having dinner
with the producer?
Uh-oh! You weren't invited?
Enjoying lunch. You weren't invited?
No. I wasn't either.
Want to see what I got?
That.
Why did they get it?
Back to termites.
They have suicide bombers.
Termites have suicide bombers
who guard the hill.
When predators approach, they
explode and produce a sticky mess
which glues the place up
and prevents ants attacking.
All righty. Now.
Why do thousands of Americans
call the emergency services
on Christmas Day?
Cos they haven't got any friends?
They're lonely and drunk.
They get a touch-tone phone
and go...
'9-1-1 9-1-1 64324'.
Very good.
Is it cos they eat so much
that their fingers chub up...
That's not the reason.
What happens on Christmas Day
in particular?
Presents in the morning? Presents.
Do they phone the fire brigade
to thank them for the presents?
Do they get things that they hurt
themselves with? Or make calls with!
Suppose somebody gave you
a mobile phone. Is it a handy?
Ein Handy... Ein handy.
..fur Weihnacht.
It's your first mobile
and you're excited.
And you slip
and it goes up your arse.
So you phone the emergency service
just to see if it's worked?
You can't call anybody else
cos you haven't got a network.
All phones in America, whether they
have a sim card or not
have to, by law, be able to call
911, the emergency services.
Doesn't that annoy them?
Must drive them frantic.
Lastly, we've come to the end
of our quizlet.
We have one more question on
electricity, our favourite subject.
Why wouldn't a Russian family
call their son Power Station
or Industrialisation?
Cos they're not names.
Don't be stupid. They're not names?
No. They are.
They are names.
Why wouldn't they call them...
They're girls' names.
They're girls' names is the right
answer! Well done!
Power station is 'Electrostanzia'.
It's a girl's name.
'Industrializazia'
is also a girl's name.
But if you had a boy, you could call
him 'Kombine', combine harvester,
or you could call him...
..which is 23rd February.
But this is actually a tradition
in the rustic area. In Ukraine,
there are names like...
..'Don't kill me, Father'
Would you believe?
Is it like the...
It's a Red Indian thing
where you come out the wigwam and
the first thing you see... Do they
see a power station?
Do you know what my husband's
Native American name is?
'Sits in front of telly farting'.
If you say it quickly,
it sounds quite nice.
Especially if you say it
in a Russian accent.
I like your camp German accent
the best.
I'd like you to... Can you just do
Handy again for me?
Where's mein Handy?
Very bad.
Before we close, Stephen,
the horse is actually here!
Now, then, I don't know about you.
But I have, I think, reached...
Neigh!
I have reached the end of my fuse
and it's time to look at the scores.
With her name in lights,
with ten points it's Jo Brand!
In second place with one point,
Rich Hall!
In third place with minus 12 points,
it's Sean Lock!
Thank you!
And finally...
with minus 21 points,
it's Alan Davies!
So with our duties
electrically discharged,
it's goodbye from Rich, Sean,
Jo, Alan and me.
Good night!
good evening, good evening
and welcome to QI for another
reckless poke of the screwdriver
into the fuse box of the unknown.
Joining me in the cupboard
under the stairs tonight
are the slightly shocking
Sean Lock... Thank you.
The very current Rich Hall.
The positively electro-magnetic
Jo Brand!
And the wiry young shaver socket,
Alan Davies.
Tonight, we cast an eclectic light
on the subject of electricity.
Let's complete the circuit.
Sean goes...
Jo goes...
Rich goes...
And Alan goes...
Good old Alan.
Now, don't forget,
each edition in the E-series
encloses an elephant.
The first to spot it
by waving your elephant card
will win our generous
'Elephant in the room' bonus.
Like so.
Otherwise, simply electrify me
with interestingness.
Anyway, the atmosphere's already
absolutely... Electric.
You'll have to do better than that!
Now, question one, I think.
I'm naked.
It's pouring with rain.
Can you give me a good reason
why I should crouch down
with my bottom in the air?
Jo? Steven, I wouldn't have thought
you'd need a good reason.
Thank you for that. I don't think
you need a reason cos nobody will
ask what you're doing.
It's a clear signal
you want some time alone.
I'm just picturing that image.
One of the most erotic I've ever...
It would make a great Athena poster!
Your buttocks in the rain.
On bedroom walls up and down
the country.
I think it's because your bottom is
the least likely part to be struck
by lightning.
You're sort of in the right...
I'm going with the electric thing.
Right. It's to do with lightning.
It's a good stance to adopt
if you're caught in a lightning
storm. Can't you just moon?
Lightning, everyone!
What should you not do?
Climb to the top of a pylon,
or something like that?
Hold a 40-foot metal pole.
'Come on!'
Don't put on a metal hat on the golf
course. Don't stand under a tree.
What's the problem with being
under a tree?
They're more likely to be struck
by lightning. What happens?
A big flash, a lot of flame.
All the squirrels fall on your head.
You might get burned. The sap boils
in an instantaneous way
and the tree explodes.
You're covered in splinters. The
best thing is to get into a car.
Really? Yeah.
Drive away from the rain.
Close the door and stay in the car.
It acts as a 'Faraday cage'.
It bars electro-magnetic fields.
It's 30 million volts you can get
in a bolt of lightning.
Why can't we harness that power,
Stephen?
Are you more likely to be struck
if you're a man or woman? Man.
Men are out and about a lot more,
aren't they?
You're six times more likely to be
struck if you're a man.
The man has to hold the umbrella,
cos if the woman holds it, it keeps
jabbing the man in the eye.
That's why he's more likely
to be struck.
Is it because women wear more rubber
than men?
It conducts through them. A lot of
women wear rubber pants. Do they?
Did you not know that? No. No.
Not really my area.
The...wire...
Do you have wire in bras?
Does one? You do if you have
massive knockers that are
in danger of injuring people.
I do fall into that category.
You're not doing badly.
Thank you. A fulsome pair
of fun-bags there.
Do you know what?
That was almost heterosexual.
Well. I may be on the turn.
It wasn't, though, was it?
I'd like to hear you whisper that
when you're bent over naked
in the rain!
'A fulsome pair of fun bags'!
People around you are getting struck
by lightning. Never mind!
The wire won't attract the lightning
but it will superheat
when you're struck.
So your bosoms blow up.
How exciting! I'm gonna have a go!
There's an actor I worked with and
he was walking along the street
and a manhole cover next to him got
struck by lightning.
It flew up in the air
and landed on his head.
Instead of being hit by a manhole
he should have been showing
his man hole to the lightning.
The quite interesting thing is,
how often does lightning strike
the earth on an average day?
Four. Four?!
We've got four.
I can say it's more than four.
If anybody would like to...
Is it five?
It's 17 million times a day.
No way! No!
It's about 200 times a second.
Why can't we harness that power,
Stephen?
Perhaps we should.
How many people in Britain
are killed each year
by lightning strikes?
12. 30. Two.
It's between three and six.
Not very many. Four or five?
Four or five would do it!
In America?
Probably a lot more
because there's more of us.
400 Americans a year die of it.
About 1,000 are injured. One
American, seven times he was struck.
A park ranger at the
Shenandoah National Park.
I know that guy!
Well, he did die in 1983.
I knew him in 1982,
the last time he got hit.
Do you know how he died?
He was very testy.
Very irritable.
His name was Roy Sullivan.
That's not what they called him,
though. They called him 'Burnie'.
He shot himself in 1983.
Jeez. He should have just crouched
down with his man-hole in the air!
If you're caught in an electrical
storm, don't shelter under a tree.
The best thing is get into your car.
Failing that, crouch down to a ball
with your head down to your knees
and hands clasped behind your head.
Now, I have a conundrum for you.
Can horses catch eels?
Rather attractive horse, isn't it?
Not a bad looking eel, either!
You prefer the eel? I like the eel.
You can do more with the eel,
but the horse...
It's very hard to get a horse
down your pants.
It genuinely is
a very attractive horse.
Mmm. Nice hair.
I bet he's a wanker, that horse.
Bet he runs round
going, 'Look at me!'
Anyway, can horses catch eels?
That's the question.
I think they can.
How would they go about it?
With a net.
There was this German who observed
in South America
the way humans used horses
to catch eels.
A particular kind of eel.
Was it an electric eel?
It was, because that's our theme
of the day.
An electric eel. How would you use
a horse to catch...
Why can't you catch an electric
eel... Do they hold a fork
with bread on it
and try and get the eels to toast it
with their electricity?
You have to be on a horse
or you'll get electrocuted.
Or something. The problem
with electric eels is you get
a very nasty shock. 650 volts.
Put you right off it. The horses
were sent into the water.
The eels would go crazy and
discharge all their electricity
until their batteries were flat
and they could be harvested.
The poor horses had heart attacks
and died of fright
and drowned and got very upset. So
it was rather mean. Got very upset?
Yes. 'Distressed' is the word
we use of animals.
'Don't like it in the water.
There's eels!'
Oww!
They wouldn't do it
to that nice pretty one, I hope.
You like the tousled hair look.
There are boys all over England
doing themselves in your style now.
They'll send you horsey photos.
Half of an electric eel's
whole physiology is devoted
to creating electricity.
They have a powerful kick, but once
it's used up, they're easy to catch.
They're not actually eels.
They're a knife fish.
69 species there are
of electric fish,
including the torpedo fish.
That comes from the Latin 'torpore'
meaning 'to numb'.
It was used as an anaesthetic
by the Romans
and from that the underwater missile
was named.
Here's a big question.
In 1903, Thomas Alva Edison
released a movie
whose title consisted of three words
two of which begin with 'E'.
What was it, and who starred in it?
I know, we've nearly forgotten them,
but here it is.
You're absolutely right.
It was called
'Electrocuting An Elephant'.
He made a film in which an elephant
was electrocuted. ..Hooray!
You win those points.
How many points? Ten points.
Now why would Edison want to
electrocute an elephant?
He wanted to electrocute
the biggest thing he could,
to show he was good at it.
Actually, it was the reverse,
you see.
He believed his direct current
was safe and wouldn't hurt people
and didn't electrocute.
He wanted to destroy the reputation
of alternating current
which was owned by Westinghouse,
so he used the word 'Westinghoused'
to mean electrocuted.
This elephant Topsy was sentenced
to death on Coney Island
because Topsy had killed
three human beings.
Was he going to be hanged,
poisoned? What would happen
to Topsy?
Hanged?! It's quite a picture,
isn't it?
Oh, poor elephant!
So Edison won the right
to electrocute him in public
to show how dangerous it was.
'This thing in your homes
will kill an elephant.'
He filmed it as a PR film.
Like a snuff film!
A snuff film, exactly.
He gave it 460g of cyanide
and potassium, in carrots,
he had wooden sandals
lined with copper put on her feet -
it was a she elephant -
and then a current of 6,600 volts
sent through her body.
She died without a trumpet
or a groan. He filmed the event.
He wanted electrocution to be known
as 'Westinghoused'.
He trampled... He just went nuts
and trampled people?
No, he hid in their rooms
when they came home. He jumped out,
strangled them...
He got away with it for months.
Nobody would have caught him but...
A cunning disguise! ..he left
tell-tale signs around the flat!
A big elephant-shaped hole
in the wall!
The first murder on Topsy's hands
was killing a trainer
who, frankly, deserved to die
because the trainer gave her
a lit cigarette to eat.
And it killed him? Yeah!
'Don't do that again!'
I like the sound of Topsy.
She's a little bit...
Some elephants are evolving that
don't have tusks. Did you know?
Because the ones with tusks
get poached. Get shot.
So the ones with smaller tusks
don't get shot.
So the small tusk gene lives on
more frequently
and there's elephants
that don't grow tusks.
I like that. I like it.
There's some tigers now
that are being made of Axminster.
Now stop it!
Nice animals. Not as sexy
as certain horses, but...
Raaarghh! Anyway,
let's raise the stakes now
with something more technical.
How fast do the electrons move along
an electric wire?
They don't.
The very words
we thought you might use.
Really?
I would have said something...
It's really very, very fast.
I would have said that.
I didn't say that.
I would have said about 30 or 40
miles an hour. Deceptively slow.
I would have said it's a bit of
a crap question, really. Why so?
Well, because modern physicists see
electrons
as something you would call
probability density functions.
That is an absolutely precise
description
of what quantum physics
does call an electron.
I'm immensely impressed. I have to
give you five points, if not ten!
Astounding!
It was exactly that.
They do call them that.
They are dimensionalist entities
that are quite hard to understand.
They do travel along electrical
wires, and you're right to say slow.
They're actually
0.03 miles per hour.
Snail's pace along the wire.
But electricity itself
is incredibly quick.
Think of waves. If you had
a tube full of marbles,
and you pushed a marble in one end,
another marble would come out
the other end,
almost instantly, but the marbles
inside are travelling slowly.
It's the wave front
that moves very fast.
That's how the electrons
travel along,
literally at a snail's pace,
the speed of a snail. Does that work
if you get ten snails together?
If you push the end snail?
We'll try that later.
It's a lovely experiment.
It must be done.
Now we come on to
our experimental round.
What is the most interesting thing
you can do
with the objects on the trays
beneath your desks?
Oh!
Tell them what you have
in front of you.
I have lasagne... Lasagne.
A gherkin, which I'm liable to eat
cos I'm ravenous.
I've got a bit of cable.
You can heat it up. Heat
the gherkin. Heat the lasagne.
Plug the thing into the thing.
I think this is how
Alan Sugar started Amstrad.
It's one of is first computers.
'There you go, 30 quid.'
You're absolutely right.
You've done the right thing.
It's some kind of... Gherkins
because they're pickled.
And then... I don't know anything.
That's honest, if nothing else.
Jesus!
Yes?
This is part of Kate Moss's
new range at Top Shop.
Size zero!
It's... Nothing's happening!
No, but the gherkin will behave
as a light bulb.
If you put a charge through
a gherkin, it will glow.
The lasagne can provide the power.
Because it's salty, and salt is
an electrolyte,
the two types of metal in the lid
and in the pan,
as long as they don't touch
each other and short out...
One of our elves experimented
over the weekend
demonstrating how a gherkin
light bulb works.
You can see a lit gherkin.
This is one of our elves.
Wow! Isn't that great?
It's like kids' TV in the '70s,
isn't it? Yeah!
Where's the lasagne?
..Then we unplug.
Well, unfortunately,
you would need a lasagne
perhaps appropriately,
the size of the floor plan
of the Gherkin Building.
I'm having one of those
when I get home tonight!
About five football pitches-worth.
If I'm cycling home tonight,
I shouldn't put a lasagne
on the crossbar.
'No, I have got lights, Officer!'
'Careful, it's hot!'
These will be in the shops soon.
The lasagne pod!
As far as trying this at home goes,
wiring a gherkin
to the electric lights,
don't, obviously. Be sensible and
don't do anything because I tell you
to or tell you not to.
Live your own lives!
Be sensible. Try and do that.
Shag horses! Yeah! Come on!
Now, in an abrupt 'volte-face',
we turn face-to-face
with the ghastly spectre
of general ignorance.
Fingers on electrical devices.
What is the difference
between a ship and a boat?
Yes, Jo?
Has a ship got curtains?
That's just about the oddest answer
I've ever heard to any question.
No? It may have curtains,
but so may a boat.
Ships are bigger.
They are bigger. Ships have
lifeboats. Boats don't have any
because they're already a boat.
We're talking navy here.
In the navy,
a ship is any vessel which is...
..Named.
No. Surface.
Ships, frigates, destroyers,
anything like that
except little dinghies and
life-boats, which are boats.
A boat is a submarine?
A boat is a submarine
and some are bigger than
three frigates put together.
So what's the difference?
A boat is a submarine.
A submarine goes underwater.
Sorry, Stephen. What about like a...
But what about...
What about like a rowing boat?
Is that a ship, then?
They don't have them in the navy!
Yes, you do!
They don't have rowing boats in the
navy, do they? They might have oars
on a lifeboat.
But it's not a vessel of the line.
Is it a rowing ship, then?
If it's the navy, yes,
it's a rowing ship.
So the only boats in the navy
are submarines.
Yes. That's complete bollocks!
It's true. The only vessels of the
line that are called a boat
are submarines in the navy.
I... I fail to agree.
I'll tell you something else.
There's not two moons.
In German there's das Schiff
and das Boot. Das 'boht'.
Spelt with two o's, but pronounced
'boat'. No, it isn't. It is.
It's pronounced 'boht'. Not unless
you're from Newcastle!
I was in Germany for the World Cup
and two lads came up and said, 'Do
you know where t' jump house is?'
Jump house. Jump house?
Jump house is the slang term
for a brothel, turns out.
Modern German. Soon as they said it,
I knew. 'Up there'.
There's something so camp
about modern German.
Know what they call a mobile phone?
It's so camp! Handy.
Mein Handy.
Mein handy!
Oh, where is my handy?
Are you hosting the Baftas
this year?
No. No?
It's a shame.
You could do it in that voice.
Hello and welcome to the Baftas.
Stop it! No.
Anyway, it's a purely
naval tradition.
In true English you could call it
a ship or a boat,
and who could say nay.
But that was the nature of our
question, foolish as it was.
As well as inventing the battery,
Alessandro Volta,
after whom the volt is named,
also discovered methane.
Which animal contributes most
methane to the atmosphere?
Yes? The cow.
Ants.
No, termites.
Is the right answer!
Well done!
I only...
I only know that because I had a
swanky business lunch with the
producer and he let it slip!
What do I do? For the honesty,
I'm inclined to let you keep
your points.
What sort of showbiz lunch do you
talk about termite farts?
Where's your career going?
This IS my career, mate.
You're in it!
Can I say, I was there
and I completely ignored it.
Methane is a much worse
greenhouse gas than CO2.
In fact, it's about 23 times worse!
They are staggeringly populous.
Why don't we feed them
on something like a clear soup?
A nice broth that hasn't got pungent
vegetable matter in it. Like that.
You could never make that many
termite bowls.
How do cows produce methane?
What do cows do?
Farting. They don't fart it.
They burp it, oddly enough.
Oh. So if you went round
with a lighter
and they went...
Presumably, yes! Maybe that's where
the dragon myth came from.
Very good!
It burped a bit of methane, set
light to it, 'Oh! The dragon!'
How did you two end up having dinner
with the producer?
Uh-oh! You weren't invited?
Enjoying lunch. You weren't invited?
No. I wasn't either.
Want to see what I got?
That.
Why did they get it?
Back to termites.
They have suicide bombers.
Termites have suicide bombers
who guard the hill.
When predators approach, they
explode and produce a sticky mess
which glues the place up
and prevents ants attacking.
All righty. Now.
Why do thousands of Americans
call the emergency services
on Christmas Day?
Cos they haven't got any friends?
They're lonely and drunk.
They get a touch-tone phone
and go...
'9-1-1 9-1-1 64324'.
Very good.
Is it cos they eat so much
that their fingers chub up...
That's not the reason.
What happens on Christmas Day
in particular?
Presents in the morning? Presents.
Do they phone the fire brigade
to thank them for the presents?
Do they get things that they hurt
themselves with? Or make calls with!
Suppose somebody gave you
a mobile phone. Is it a handy?
Ein Handy... Ein handy.
..fur Weihnacht.
It's your first mobile
and you're excited.
And you slip
and it goes up your arse.
So you phone the emergency service
just to see if it's worked?
You can't call anybody else
cos you haven't got a network.
All phones in America, whether they
have a sim card or not
have to, by law, be able to call
911, the emergency services.
Doesn't that annoy them?
Must drive them frantic.
Lastly, we've come to the end
of our quizlet.
We have one more question on
electricity, our favourite subject.
Why wouldn't a Russian family
call their son Power Station
or Industrialisation?
Cos they're not names.
Don't be stupid. They're not names?
No. They are.
They are names.
Why wouldn't they call them...
They're girls' names.
They're girls' names is the right
answer! Well done!
Power station is 'Electrostanzia'.
It's a girl's name.
'Industrializazia'
is also a girl's name.
But if you had a boy, you could call
him 'Kombine', combine harvester,
or you could call him...
..which is 23rd February.
But this is actually a tradition
in the rustic area. In Ukraine,
there are names like...
..'Don't kill me, Father'
Would you believe?
Is it like the...
It's a Red Indian thing
where you come out the wigwam and
the first thing you see... Do they
see a power station?
Do you know what my husband's
Native American name is?
'Sits in front of telly farting'.
If you say it quickly,
it sounds quite nice.
Especially if you say it
in a Russian accent.
I like your camp German accent
the best.
I'd like you to... Can you just do
Handy again for me?
Where's mein Handy?
Very bad.
Before we close, Stephen,
the horse is actually here!
Now, then, I don't know about you.
But I have, I think, reached...
Neigh!
I have reached the end of my fuse
and it's time to look at the scores.
With her name in lights,
with ten points it's Jo Brand!
In second place with one point,
Rich Hall!
In third place with minus 12 points,
it's Sean Lock!
Thank you!
And finally...
with minus 21 points,
it's Alan Davies!
So with our duties
electrically discharged,
it's goodbye from Rich, Sean,
Jo, Alan and me.
Good night!