QI (2003–…): Season 20, Episode 5 - Testing - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to QI,

where tonight we are testing,
testing, testing.

Now, let's meet our troop of
truants.

The smar-test - Maisie Adam.

APPLAUSE

Me? Smartest?

The brigh-test - Susan Calman.

APPLAUSE
Shut up. No. Come on. Come on.

The swee-test - Josh Widdicombe.

APPLAUSE



And sitting a bad exam-ple -
Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE

So let's get straight back
to school. Maisie goes...

# Remember the days
of the old school yard?

# We used to laugh a lot. #
That is the best thing.

I think that's my internal
monologue. Did you enjoy that?

Susan goes...

# Up in the morning
and out to school

# The teacher is teachin'
the golden rule. #

Josh goes...

# School's out for summer! #

It's pretty on-brand. Alan goes...

PLASTIC RULER TWANGS

"I suppose you think
that's funny, Davies."



LAUGHTER

Now let's test the waters
with question one.

What does Fat Kathy
use her muscles for?

It's a provocative question,
and I would suggest that Fat Kathy

probably uses her muscles as I do,
cos I've started deadlifting.

What is deadlifting?
Picking up dead people.

I very much enjoy World's Strongest
Man, which I'm sure many people do.

In what way do you enjoy him?

LAUGHTER

I like watching World's Strongest
Man because it's full of very

masculine men. I know I'm a lesbian,

I can still appreciate.

So I decided to start deadlifting

so that I have the strength
for fighting the patriarchy.

So that's what I'm doing.

And if Fat Kathy, which I'm assuming
that is not a person...?

I mean, it was a long way
round to get there.

LAUGHTER

I think it's very important
I say at this stage, Sandi,

and I'm going to apologise... Yeah.

..I have entered a special stage
in a woman's life

that's called perimenopausal.

Isn't peri some kind of chicken
preparation?

Yeah, that's peri-peri. Oh,
peri-peri. It's not on the scale.

It isn't lemon and herb,
perimenopause... Mango and lime.

Do you know, I wish to God
it was peri-perimenopausal,

that'd be a lot more fun...
You'd be like,

"Am I getting hot flushes
or is it spicy? I can't tell."

So you're guessing it's not
a person? You're quite correct.

It is a machine? It is
a kind of machine. Machine? Yes.

Fat machine.
Well, so it's a waterworks in Warsaw

and they use eight mussels
hooked up to a computer

to detect toxic pollution
in the water supply.

It's a type of bio monitoring.
It's like... I guess it's like

a modern version of the canary
in the coal mine. Right.

So mussels are filter feeders,
right?

They let water pass through their
open mouths and they filter out,

you know, the plankton and the
tiny plants that they want to eat.

Each one of the mussels in Warsaw
has a coil...

A mussel?! A mussel. Yeah, mussel...
Oh, I'm so sorry...!

To be honest, it took me a while.
I thought you meant a muscle-muscle.

No. Yes. Mussel! No, mussel! Mussel!

Oh, Sandy, you have got
your thickest panel ever.

That is saying something.

Honestly, like being present
at the birth of speech.

It's an ocean creature, OK?

I would've been better off with
three clams going, "Is it a mussel?"

So what's the bit on top?

Like, the Walnut Whip bit?

That's glue. And when you say glue,
you mean glue,

it's not going to turn out to be
a sea creature called glue...?

It has a coil and a magnet
glued to its shell.

So they close down, basically, if
there's any pollutants detected, OK?

So if half of them close down,

they stop the water supply in order
to stop any potential contamination.

Fat Kathy, it's named, actually,

after a rather rotund
18th-century well

in the Polish capital,
has been in operation since 1994.

So have I.

LAUGHTER

Let's glue a spring to her head.

Is that when you were born, 1994?
Yeah. When? '94.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you,
I'm so old. When?!

1994?! Yeah.

'90...? Yes, darling. '94. 94?!

Are you all right, Susan?

So you don't remember...1993.

LAUGHTER

What a Cup Final.

So do you ever remember
not having, like, mobile phones

and stuff like that?
Yeah, it was the '90s.

I wasn't born, like,
just before the pandemic.

I don't think we should
have a go at you.

It's not an evening with Age UK,
you're absolutely fine. Yeah.

I know there's a reputation for QI
on BBC TWO, but to get Maisie on

and treat her like she's an alien
from a different planet

when she was born in the '90s...

No, it's... I'm...
I'm really pleased for her.

LAUGHTER

Well done, dear.

So there are about
50 waterworks in Poland,

but the head brewer
at Timothy Taylor's,

which is in West Yorkshire, he used
to count out exactly 100 grains

of the batch of barley that they
were planning to use for the beer

and leave them out on top of a cask
in the brewery yard.

And if nearly all of the grains were
eaten by pigeons, that meant it must

be a good batch and therefore
it was perfectly OK to use.

That is the most Yorkshire thing
I've ever heard.

"I'm only counting out 100
cos I'm not made of money."

We deserve the stereotypes
we get about us.

I love Yorkshire. Last time
I was in Yorkshire, I cried

I was so happy. Are you sure
it wasn't the peri-perimenopause?

Why were you so happy? Well,
cos it... You know the way people

are really nice
and you're suddenly overwhelmed?

I've been menopausal for a while!

LAUGHTER

Why were the Middle Ages
such a trying time for animals?

Well, as Susan's just said,

the Middle Ages
are a hard time for anybody.

OOHING AND LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Susan. Susan, don't cry.
Don't cry. Don't cry.

She's going to cry. Susan's going
to cry. I'm sorry, I take it back,

Susan, I take it back. I've only
got... The beautiful moors...

Yeah. ..rising up as they
do above Sheffield.

Think of the clogs and the Hovis.

LAUGHTER

The famously kind Yorkshire people!

LAUGHTER

Could they be put on trial, Sandi,
the animals in the Middle Ages?

That is entirely correct! Oh!

CHEERING

Go on, Alan!

You're a lawyer, or
you were a lawyer...

The sad thing is,
that's the one thing I did know. Aw!

But there was something that

happened that slightly knocked
you off your game, wasn't there?

I was thinking about Halifax!

Yes, I remember learning about this
in my law degree. Yes,

this is a question, indeed,
about animals being put on trial.

So, in 1545, there was a group
of winemakers in a town

near Saint-Julien,
so in the southeast of France,

and they brought a prosecution
against an infestation of weevils -

which are a kind of very,
very small beetle -

ravaging their vineyards, requiring
them to be excommunicated.

Oh! Oh!
Yeah. The case went to trial.

It was argued that the weevils
had as much right as man

to the fruits of God's Earth.
And the court found some merit

in this argument,
and they decided that they needed

a stringent programme
of public prayer and penitence

for the local populace.
And that seemed to do the trick

because the weevils went away
for 42 years.

But when they returned, the dispute
was revived and the mayor

offered a compromise. He said,

"I'll tell you what, we'll give the
weevils a plot of land to live on,

"on condition they never
return to the vineyards."

The thing is, we don't know
what happened in the end

because the last two pages
of the court documents... Oh, no.

Had been eaten by weevils? Yes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

Wow. That's no accident.

"Just eat the conclusion.
Just eat the conclusion.

"We'll just eat the conclusion."

But also, weevils only live
two to three months. I don't know

how anybody thought they'd see the
case through. But basically,

God's creatures, humans and animals,

were held to the same moral
standards.

Pigs were frequently tried
for killing or maiming,

including one who killed a child,
even though it was a Friday.

Oh, what? The picture here
is a famous French trial.

It was in 1457. The sow was
convicted of murder and hanged.

It's crying! The pig's crying!
Yeah, pig's crying.

I think they've got the face
of the pig quite well.

But the person on the far left...

LAUGHTER

What's going through that mind?

There's also one at the back
on the right, darling.

Seems to have a tongue out
and cotton wool in his ears.

What is that about?

Anyway, the sow was convicted
of murder and hanged.

The piglets were let off
because of lack of evidence.

Just saying. They hung a pig?!
They hung a pig, yeah.

Oh, my word!
They didn't grill it?!

LAUGHTER

How do you hang a pig?

This show has gone downhill
when you're asking that question.

"How do you hang a pig?" Well,
Maisie, we've all got pigs

under our desks,
so if we get them out...

Now, what smells like a cucumber
but doesn't look like one?

SUSAN: My feet.

Seriously, you have
cucumber-smelling feet? Yes.

I believe my feet are probably,
potentially the most attractive part

of me. I mean, they're gorgeous.
I'll tell you what...

Hoo-hoo! They are lovely.

Susan, you want to be careful
saying this on the show,

people will message you, asking for
pictures of your feet?

Do you know something?
Here's a real thing.

There's an internet site where
people can look at, like, perv over

pictures of celebrities' feet.

Seriously? And my feet are on that.
Shut up! What-What's...?

LAUGHTER

And I know that because I've got
a tattoo on my foot.

It says "I love Grimsby",
so I know that's my feet.

Your feet have a tattoo
that says "I love Grimsby"

and you're saying they're the best
bit of your body? Yes!

ALAN: You should see her other
tattoos.

LAUGHTER

No. They're size four, they're
really attractive. Size four?!

What...what font size
is this tattoo?!

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you something. I'm
actually not a size four, Maisie,

I'm actually a size three.

But if I wear a size three,
my trousers go over my shoes

and it looks like I have no feet!

So I wear bigger shoes...
Clown shoes.

LAUGHTER
Can I just say, I feel...

..I feel the room is going to begin
to demand to see Susan's feet.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ALL: Susan's feet! Susan's feet!
Susan's feet! Susan's feet!

CHEERING

I seriously thought you were
just talking bollocks. No.

My point was,
my feet are beautiful!

I take care of them and I rub
cucumber moisturiser in them!

So that's why my feet smell of
cucumber! There was a point!

I didn't just come here
to show you my feet!

APPLAUSE

They're fabulous. Right, so,

cucumber is one of 16 things

that you do not want your olive oil
to smell like.

You shouldn't be having
your olive oil like that.

LAUGHTER

They taste-test the virginity
of olive oil

against a list of 16
negative flavours or aromas

and three positive ones.
So, positive things - it's fruity,

it's pungent, it's bitter.
Negative traits - whiny...

You know that thing? Whiny...

LAUGHTER

One of the things you don't want,
as well, is if your oil

smells of cucumber, it means
it's been stored for too long

in an airtight container.

So, olive oil adulteration,
it's a huge issue around the world.

There's an agromafia,
an agricultural mafia,

and they push inferior products.

And it is estimated that
80% of Italian olive oil

sold around the world is faked
in some way or other. I know!

80%?! 80%. So they mislabel virgin
as extra virgin, for example.

What's the best way to avoid
buying dodgy olive oil?

Rapeseed oil.

LAUGHTER

From England. Just generally,
or to rub on yourself,

or what are we suggesting with it?

Alan could oil himself up
and send me a photograph.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What is happening?!
I don't know, Maisie.

And you're so young.
I never thought I'd say this,

but the fact Susan's looked
right through me is so hurtful.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Other plans for you. She's going to
deadlift you in a minute.

Right. You've got a little, tiny
speaker beside you. Please...

That's a very rude way
to refer to Susan, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Do you know what?
I'm just so hurt that you haven't...

I've been working out! Yeah.
You know when you're at school

and you ignore the person
you fancy the most? Oh!

Have you thought maybe
that might be what's happening?

Oh!

This is the most erotic QI...

I feel like I've walked in on,
frankly, two sets of parents.

LAUGHTER

Right, so you've got
a little speaker beside you.

I want you to hold it up to your ear

and tell me what tune
is coming from inside.

So, can you hear anything?

No. No. No, it's a trick test.

What we're looking for in the test
is which ear you put the speaker to

because that is your dominant ear.

70% of people are right-eared.
So, what were you? I was right.

You were right. Right, right, right,
yeah, no, it's very common.

Try this other one. OK, look at me.

Keep both your eyes open
and reach out your thumb,

that it hides my face, OK,
and close your eyes one at a time.

If I stay blocked, then that
open eye is your dominant eye.

If you switch and it jumps,
that is your non-dominant eye.

Josh just looks like he's trying
to encourage everyone,

but he's done it...

But he's
absolutely coked up to his eyeballs.

He's like when you go out to the
smokers,

you go, "You all right, Josh?"
"Yeah, mate, I'm fine."

"Can you stand?"
"I can stand."

"Just get us a water, I'll be fine."

How would you test your footedness?
Which is your dominant foot?

Pass a football.
Yeah. Take a free kick.

Football or a stepladder,
any of those things.

Or a stepladder? Which foot
you put on first onto a stepladder.

I used to go downstairs one foot,
like, one foot, and then,

you know the, like...?
Like a bride at a wedding?

LAUGHTER

My parents took me to a chiropractor
or something and I had one leg,

like, an inch and a half longer
than the other leg.

Oh. Oh. And facing the other way.

LAUGHTER

He'd get stuck in the middle
of the stairs for ages.

He'd go down one...

You see, I'm ambidextrous,
so I just go two feet at a time,

all the way down.
Like a kangaroo. Yeah.

I'm conscious of the fact
that as I get older,

you have to be careful
that you don't constantly

use your dominant leg, you have to
use your non-dominant leg,

otherwise there can be
muscle problems.

So I consciously use my non-dominant
leg now to do things.

But with stairs you can't use
just your non-dominant leg.

That is one of the few tasks
where you do have to use both legs.

You can maybe do three steps, Susan,
but soon enough you're going to have

to get that other leg up.

LAUGHTER

"I managed to get 'I love Grimsby'
on the top step

"but we're just waiting
on the other one."

I'm going to move on.
Really? Yeah, I am.

There's a creature called a
rock ant.

They are right-eyed in general.

Now, how do you think they might use
this when they are stuck in a maze?

They put it over the top.

What, just take it out and go...?
LAUGHTER

To get out of a maze... Yes?
..you just stick to the same wall

and just turn right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right.
That is exactly right. What?!

They keep their left eye next to the
wall and they use their right eye
to look out for danger.

Is that the case for all mazes?
Is that all you do? Yeah. Ha-ha!

Well, basically... For all Maisies!

LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Don't clap that!

Just stay to that wall,
or the left one...

Always turn left or always turn
right. Make up your mind which one
you're going to do.

Well, that's the problem
of a maze, isn't it?

You don't know whether to turn
left or right. Just pick one.

Well, I do,
but it's often the wrong one.

I was meant to be on season one
of QI but I got stuck in a maze!

And you were nine.

LAUGHTER

I love mazes and I go to mazes
regularly. We all love Maisie.

LAUGHTER
Stop it!

I go specifically to places because
there are mazes or model villages,

and I like mazes
and I go into them...

You definitely are saying
Maisie now, you're not saying maze!

Is it still Wednesday?

LAUGHTER

Right, what's the noticeable effect
of giving cocaine to a toddler?

Ten years in prison.

LAUGHTER

I don't have any children,
but I have...I have seen children.

LAUGHTER

Oh, well, that'll do!

Mingling with year nine, you are...

Are you sure you were a lawyer?!

My point is... I'm going to posit
a suggestion here. Go.

I suspect it's probably illegal
to give drugs to children

of that kind. Yep. Although my mum
says they used to give us whisky

and brandy to shut us up when we
were younger. Oh, that worked!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not now!

Is there no effect? Is there less
effect than on the grown-up? No, no.

So the thing is that cocaine
eye drops are still in use.

Cocaine eye drops?!
Yes. In ophthalmology,

specifically when testing children
under the age of two.

There's a condition called
anisocoria. So, asymmetrical pupils.

And I've got some here.
These are...

What, that's cocaine eye drops?
Well, we slightly made this up.

These are Sandi's... Oh, God,
I get drug-tested for my work...

If we were going to put cocaine
eye drops in one of our eyes,

it wouldn't be you, Susan.

Frankly, I think you were in the
props room before you came on.

Cocaine is still the gold standard
for infant testing

because it is safe,
it is cheap, it's less stressful.

It's a great way to dilate
the pupils.

Anisocoria is mostly harmless

but it can actually be a symptom
of something. David Bowie had it,

anisocoria. Is that why he had
two different coloured eyes?

He wasn't born with it.
It was a fight. He had a fight,

yeah, absolutely. But the very first
person to use cocaine as a sort of

local anaesthetic was an Austrian
ophthalmologist called Carl Koller,

and he was a close friend
of Sigmund Freud.

They were very big on cocaine.

So there's Sigmund Freud on the left
and Carl Koller on the right.

He became so well known for cocaine,
he was known as "Coca Koller".

But it was hugely popular.
It was marketed for toothache,

you could get cocaine lozenges,
it was good for singers,

it was good for their voice.

It became the official remedy
of the Hay Fever Association.

They said that, "Oh, cocaine
dependency is no different
than tea or coffee."

MAISIE GASPS
Yeah.

So we're talking about Victorian
times, alternative anaesthetics,

like chloroform and ether,

they were problematic in operating
theatres because they were lit

by gas or by candlelight
or whatever.

And this is the days before electric
light, and the flames would interact

with the chloroform to produce
gases, and boom!

Either toxic or explosive.

Yeah.
Have you ever been chloroformed?

LAUGHTER

That's your gift from this show...

Have you ever been chloroformed?

No. So what brought on
that question?!

They used to do it a lot in shows,
didn't they? What? The hankie...

Yeah. Yeah. And I think
it's not in the script so much

because people
don't have hankies any more. No.

It's the hanky that's the problem.
The chloroform...

"I've got the chloroform. Now,
how am I going to apply it?" Yes.

"Kitchen roll?"
"Don't be absurd."

When I was a kid, every old person
had a hanky up their sleeve,

and you never see it these days.

I always have a hanky.
I always have a hanky.

Yeah, I shouldn't have said it.
Yeah.

LAUGHTER

And now it's time for the acid test
that we call General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

How many tonsils do you have?

# Up in the morning. #

LAUGHTER

How many tonsils I have?
Yeah.

Half. What?!

I had my tonsils out when I was 21.

Mm-hm. One of them grew back.

LAUGHTER

Just a little bit.
Let's have a look.

SHE MUMBLES

You're wrong.

Yeah. About her own tonsils?
Yes, you are incorrect.

Why might that be?
You've got 16. You've got 16?!

Well, you're nearer, you're nearer.

15. The back of Josh's mouth
looks like bubble wrap.

If you've had your tonsils out,
you've still got five left.

Eh?! Yeah, we have seven in total.
Look at all those.

The lingual tonsils. The palatine
ones are the most likely

to have been taken out, but they
used to use some terrible tools.

So when I was about five,
so we are talking...1963, Maisie.

Um... I remember learning about
that year in history.

LAUGHTER

Is that when JFK was shot? Yes,
it was exactly when JFK was shot.

So, I mean, nothing to do
with my tonsils.

The doctor sat me on his lap and he
took what looked like a spoon

with a sharpened edge and literally
went in and went like that. Guh...!

Sent me home on the back
of my mother's bicycle.

Yes. And if I could be so bold,

that's when chloroform might
have been used, so...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

They are actually a sort of
front-line immune defence,

and pretty much seven out of eight
childhood tonsillectomies

are unnecessary.

If they're inflamed, there's a jolly
good sign... Is it not just

an indication that you've got
some ailment? Yeah, absolutely.

They're producing antibodies
and white blood cells

to fight infections.

Now, where's the best place
in the UK to get a degree

to be sure of getting a job?
I got a job at Waterstones

and everyone had a degree apart from
my friend James, who lied and said

he had a degree, and he didn't
have a degree.

Yeah, I mean, everyone lies about
how many GCSEs they've got

and whether or not they've done the
Duke of Edinburgh Award. Have you?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

If my former manager
at FatFace is watching!

LAUGHTER

Why would you need

a Duke of Edinburgh
to work at FatFace?!

Because my mum said
it showed resilience.

I said I had the gold one,
the gold Duke of Edinburgh.

Yeah, I was like,
"Go hard or go home."

But in the interview... Did you lie
about having a gold one?! Yeah.

He was like, "Tell me about
your gold Duke of Edinburgh."

And I just told him how hard
camping was and it was, you know,

a testing time on your body
and things like that.

But I was talking about
when I went to Leeds Fest.

LAUGHTER

Come on, best place in the UK
to get a degree? Cambridge.

KLAXON

No, it's the sweetest answer.
OK. Yorkshire!

LAUGHTER

Norland College.

It's a specialist nanny-training
university based in Bath.

Do you have to dress like that?
Well, yes, you do.

That is the Norland Nanny uniform.

And they describe
their graduates as

Mary Poppins mixed with a little
bit of James Bond. Oh! I love this.

They teach childcare, they teach
self-defence, they teach taekwondo,

paparazzi avoidance techniques...

A mixture of
Mary Poppins and James Bond?!

Yeah. Don't let 'em
near your brolly!

LAUGHTER

They've got very rich kids
that they look after.

They might have to deal with
potential kidnappers.

And they boast a 100% guaranteed
employment opportunity

if you get a degree. Whoa!
I had a baby-sitter as a kid,

but I don't think they went here.

My baby-sitter got in trouble
with me mum and dad cos she used

the landline to vote

for Steve Brookstein
to win The X Factor.

And they were more fans
of Diana Vickers?

G4. Wrong year. Um, and, uh...
LAUGHTER

..she ran up the landline bill,
and me dad was furious.

"Oh, Brookstein?!"

It was founded by a woman
called Emily Ward.

She looks really nice. She was
initially ridiculed. Everybody
thought that nobody's going to

want to train for childcare,
incredibly menial job, and so on.

But really wonderful - no Norland
student was ever allowed to use

physical punishment on a child.

She's said to be an affectionate
and motherly principal.

So, what, not hitting a child
is affectionate and motherly?

It was. I would say it's a base.

130 years ago...
Not in those days. No.

..that was considered quite
remarkable that she did that.

Really?
So, see in the old days...

LAUGHTER

..I remember being at school
when teachers

were allowed to hit the children.

Pull the short hairs
on the side of your head.

Imagine me in them schools!

LAUGHTER

"Catch me if you can!"

Right. How many species of plant
are there in this picture?

Oh, now...now...
One.

Yeah, there's one.
You're going to say one? Mm-hm.

No, don't say one!

What are you going to say, Maisie?

Two.

Is correct. Come on! Oh, well done.

Well done. Absolutely right.

So, take a look at the picture.

Cabbage, broccoli,
Brussels sprouts,

kale and cauliflower
are all the same species of plant.

They're called Brassica oleracea.
They're cultivars, basically,

because they are cultivated through
cross-pollination, or grafting,

to bring forward prominent features.

So, for example, kale is bred
for very wide leaves,

broccoli for its flower buds,

and Brussels sprouts
for their hideous taste.

But the odd one out
is Chinese cabbage.

It's really more related to turnips
and pak choi, that kind of thing.

All of which pea-brained
pedantry brings us

to the small potatoes
of the scores. In last place,

he's had quite a testing time,
with -24, it's Alan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.

Maisie is the most competitive
person I've ever met,

and she's leaning forward now
cos she really wants to win,

and now she's pretending
she doesn't care.

In third place with 8 points,
it's Susan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes! Aced it!

In second place... Oh, so it's
between me and him? Yeah.

All right, now I am competitive.
In second place, with 10 points...

Shall we do a little drum roll
from the audience? Ready?

It's Josh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the winner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!

Maisie! 12 points!

So it's thanks to
Josh, Susan, Maisie and Alan,

and as a parting gift, here's an
extract from one of Norman Wisdom's

old school reports.
"The boy is every inch the fool.

"But luckily for him, he's not very
tall." Thank you and goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE