QI (2003–…): Season 20, Episode 4 - Thrills & Spills - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to QI.

Tonight we're in topsy-turvy turmoil

as we tackle thrills and spills.

And here to spill the beans
are the thrilling Nish Kumar...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..the titillating Suzi Ruffell...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..the tantalising Mark Steel...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and, tickle my fancy,
it's Alan Davies.



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, please keep your hands
and arms inside the vehicle

at all times as Nish goes...

SYNTH VOICE: # Down and up and down
and up and down and up and down... #
LAUGHTER

..Suzi goes...

STEADY POP BEAT PLAYS
# Up. And down
Up. And down

# Up. And down
Up. And down... #

LAUGHTER
..Mark goes...

MUSIC: Upside Down by Diana Ross
# I said upside down
You're turning me

# You're giving love
Instinctively... #

LAUGHTER
..Alan goes...

MUSIC: Dizzy by Tommy Roe
# You're making me dizzy... #

RETCHING
SPLATTERING

LAUGHTER



APPLAUSE

Right, then. Question one.

LAUGHTER

Which is the most thrilling
part of a theme park?

Well, when you don't die, isn't it?

Yeah. I never die,
as I only ever do the thing

with the hook and get the duck
with the number on it.

Is that because you're not
tall enough for the rides?

Yes.

I can't imagine why people
are thrilled at all.

The thrill for me would
just be driving past it.

We're talking about roller-coasters,

and your thrill level
over the course of a roller-coaster

reaches its peak moment

when you're first strapped
into the seat.

Oh. So really you could
just get out then. Really?

Yes, that's the moment.
It's all over at that point.

It's the thrill of anticipation.
It's that moment when you think...
SANDI GASPS

Have you been on The Big One, Sandi?
I beg your pardon?

There's a massive one in Blackpool.

About 20 years ago I was
filming something in Manchester

and I tried to get some people
to come from the local crew

and none of them would come. And
that should have told me something.

It's absolutely terrifying.
And you think you're going to die.

You're absolutely certain
you're going to die.

It feels like, well, one day
there'll be the final ride.

Yeah. Why not this one?

You go over it
and the kid next to me

who's been on it loads of times,

when we went down
about the fifth bend, he said

he'd tell me when to smile
and he went, "Now!"

And we went like that
and then the thing went flash!

And I've got a keyring of me...

I've never seen him since,
of course.

Me and this lad who was about 14,

going, "Ah!"

NISH: You have given someone
an anecdote for their entire lives

that they've been
dining out on since that,

because there's a 14-year-old boy
who presumably now

is, like, in his, like, late 20s,
early 30s, who's like,

"I've got a key ring with me
and Jonathan Creek."

Either that or he's watching this
now, going,

"That's the bloke
from the roller-coaster!"

No, "That's the bloke
from my keyring!"

"That's weird.
What's he doing on there?!"

But there's a guy called
Professor Brendan Walker

at Middlesex University, he's
the world's only thrill engineer,

and he has done studies about
what people's responses are

to these huge vertical drops.
So he measures them.

And the level of excitement
when you're on the ride

is only ever about 80%
of the peak that you hit

when you put the seatbelt on.
Two things he was looking for

is looking for level of arousal
and level of pleasure.

And apparently -
and I think we all know this -

not always the same thing.

So they... I'm like that
in a baker's.

So true, isn't it?

You just think, "Ooh!"

You never like a nice slice more
than when you first see it. Yeah.

Yeah. There's one at
Alton Towers, isn't there,

where you go along in
a kind of wide sort of car

and then it stops
and you think, "Oh..."

There's no track in front of you,

and then it tips you forward

and then it hangs you
over a hole. Yeah.

Oblivion. Oblivion.
Hangs you over a hole. Yeah.

And if you sit in the cafe,
which is nearby,

and you can see the thing go and tip
and then you hear...

ALAN SCREAMS

So you're having your lunch
and about every three minutes...

ALAN SCREAMS
Just down into the hole.

Well, this guy who
is the thrill engineer,

he worked out that
the calorific value expended

on a roller-coaster ride due to,
you know,

you've got an increased heart rate
and you're sweating and so on,

is equivalent to
a single chip shop chip.

Oh. I was hoping you were
going to say, like,

a spin class. Yeah...
I could've been like,

"Let's cut the record.
Let's get to Alton Towers."

Let's go straight to EuroDisney.

I remember taking
my children to Disney

and my four-year-old met Pluto.

Now, Pluto is played by
a 6ft tall man, OK?

And there's a mesh... What?!
Well... He's not...?

Oh. Huh?! It's not a talking dog?

Well, there's a mesh
where you can see his face.

He's 6ft tall and he comes over
and he talks to my daughter.

She pats him like that.

And then she said as he left,
she said, "That's not a real dog."

And I said... "How could you tell?"

She said, "His nose wasn't wet."

LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE

When I was at school
and Mr Blobby was at his heyday...

Ah. Those were the days, eh?

..one of my friends
had a little brother

and for his birthday his dad
dressed up as Mr Blobby,

had the mesh thing,
but it was in his mouth,

and the little boy lost his shit
and was like...

SUZI GASPS
"Blobby's eaten Dad!"

A quick supplementary question.

Why might it be good to go on
a ride with a lot of jerks?

Ooh. Is it because a bit of
the point, a bit of the seat

goes up your butt
and that feels nice?

I'm going to go with
that's a personal fantasy, Nish.

There are roller-coaster architects,

and speed is not
necessarily the thing.

Acceleration is more important,
but it's the changes of speed.

Cos it makes your heart go...
Yeah, absolutely.

So if it accelerates and then
suddenly accelerates a bit more,

that's called a jerk. And that
apparently is the thing

that makes you
even more kind of...upset.

I was on the Ghost Train once and it
went wrong, it actually broke down,

almost as if it was run by
Southern Rail, and...

Yeah, "There will be a skeleton
replacement service..."

And...

And the bloke did come through,
"Yeah, sorry, er...

SNIFFS
"Er, yeah, you'll
all have to get out."

And we had to just walk through
and push the doors open and then,

"Who-hoo-hoo!" and all,
just walking through.

It's not quite the same, is it?
It wasn't quite the same, no.

I was once on a ghost walk thing
with my dad,

and there were all these,
there were all these pictures of,

like, famous serial killers
around this, like, haunted house.

And then we got to the one
with the guy in the Scream mask,

and he flinched,
and it wasn't a picture.

And then the guy
climbed out of the picture frame

and my dad ran,

kicked open the emergency exit...

Just like...

SUZI VOCALISES DOOR BASHING
Like that.

And we found him in the gift shop.

Did he not even take you with him?

No! Gone? Just gone?

Aww... He was like,
"I'm going to start a new life."

You're always safe in a gift shop.
They never go in the gift shop.

The best bit of a roller-coaster
is the beginning,

and it's all downhill from there.

AUDIENCE GROANS
LAUGHTER

Describe a really dangerous
trumpet, please.

Is it going to be
an instrument trumpet

or is it going to
be a trumpet flower

or a trumpet frog or something?
Yes. It's a flower.

Absolutely right. Oh...
A lethal one?

A lethal flower. Yeah, if you
eat any of it, you're a goner.

Do you know about this?

I've heard of them.
They're quite pretty to look at.

Very pretty.
It's called the Angel's Trumpet.

It's a flower that's native
to Central and South America.

Oh, look at it. It's stunning.
Isn't it pretty? It's deadly.

I mean, it's a beautiful...

Go out the fire exit, Suze!

Go to the gift shop!
Run! Run for your life!

Imagine him at Kew Gardens.

There is a place in Alnwick
in Northumberland...

Yep. The Poison Garden in Alnwick.

The Poison Garden!
Oh, it's a magnificent place.

And there's this marvellously
sort of officious woman

who takes you around.

And she's one of
these sort of guides -

"Right. Now, assemble here.
Whatever you do,

don't do anything
unless I tell you to do it

because if you touch
something and it's poisonous,

then you'll end up dead and it will
jolly well be your own fault, OK?

I would recommend it.
Definitely. The Poison Garden.

Well, so, the owner of
the Poison Garden in Alnwick Castle

has described this particular flower
as "an amazing aphrodisiac,

"before it kills you." Wow!

And there were Victorian women
who would keep Angel's trumpets

and they would tip a little bit
of the pollen into their tea,

it would induce a sort
of LSD kind of trip,

even though it was rather risky.
And those who did take it,

who died, before they died,

they possibly succumbed
first of all to sexual excitement,

then restlessness,
then overtalkative,

then aggressive behaviour,
convulsive sobbing, psychosis,

intense dream experiences.

Like Glastonbury, isn't it?

There's a story about a young man
who amputated his own tongue

and penis after drinking
just one cup of tea

infused with Angel's trumpet.
What? Oh...

Did the tongue,
and not content with that...

I know! Went for something bigger -

or presumably bigger.
I wouldn't know.

Now, why is it a good idea

to make a pensioner
walk the tightrope?

To cut state spending.

APPLAUSE

New scheme based on the Squid Game.

And, you know, they've had it easy,
haven't they, for too long?

But genuinely,
it is a medical thing.

And why might it be good
for pensioners?

NISH: Helping their balance?

So, it's a really good way to detect
early muscle degradation.

Is the way that you detect it
them falling to their death?

Yeah, I think.

Come on, Grandma!

Yeah, "Oh...
Yeah. Muscle degradation." Yeah.

God, that's the 15th today!

If you think about tightrope
walking, so it involves

much more muscle control,
coordination and strength

than walking on solid ground,

so it can reveal potential issues
that ordinary walking can't.

Now, clearly, what you do is

you don't do it very high up.

But by doing this, geriatric
health care professionals

can check and see whether
they're unsteady in any way.

In fact, they use a thing
called a force plate.

It has the same sort of effect
as walking on a tightrope.

But one of the best things
you can do to ward off dementia,

not the top thing,
but one of the things you can do

is to work on your balance.
And so it's recommended that

while you're brushing your teeth,
you stand on one leg

and it just keeps reminding you
to keep your balance at all times.

Does it work with other
circus things, like lion taming?

Yeah, lion taming...
Lion taming, juggling...

But here is a sort of strange thing.

So there is a village
called Tsovkra in Dagestan

and every able-bodied person
in this village

can walk the tightrope.

So that is curious, isn't it?
What? Yeah, every single one.

It's about a 100-year-old tradition

and nobody's really sure
how it started.

It's rumoured that it was a shortcut
so that villagers could

go and court potential lovers
on the other side of a ravine.

Always a motivation.

Yes, that'll do it. Yeah.

"We're going to the other side
of the ravine."

"How are we getting there?

Yeah.

"Don't worry.
I've got a real horn on,

"so I won't need the big stick."

Every single one of
the village's children

study tightrope walking at school.

It's a whole village that
can tightrope walk. What?!

Is it anything to do with altitude?

No, it's just literally
trying to get about.

I think cos they're on top
of a hill, they think,

"How're we gonna get down
from here? Oh, I know."

Haven't they heard
about roly-polys?

There's another village
in Turkmenistan

where they all do roly-polys.

Grade 3... They go to
the next village... Yep?

..and there's a bridge.

They're all like, "Oh..."

"What d'you call that?"
"It's a bridge!"

"Bloody hell.
That's a brilliant idea."

Right. Moving on...

You've all got beside you
a loo-roll holder like this.

I want you to put it
on your right-hand side,

imagine you're sitting
on the lavatory,

and I want you to tell me which way
do you correctly hang the loo roll?

Do you hang it this way -
very controversial -

or do you hang it...?
So, imagine the wall is here, OK?

Oh... Do you hang it?
NISH: You gotta hang it this way.

Why? Why have you got
to hang it that way?

Just because, like, otherwise

you're a godless prick.

APPLAUSE

That'd be a fantastic religion,
Nish.

The only commandment,
"Thou shalt hang the toilet paper

"down from the left-hand side."

So, the toilet-roll holder
was invented by an American engineer

called Seth Wheeler in 1891.

And you can see from his patent
that he has made a decision

and it goes this way.

The truth is, there are advantages
to both ways of doing it.

So if the loose end hangs
in the front, it's easier to grab.

But if you hang it the other way
around, there is less chance of,

I don't know, a child or a cat
or indeed yourself

accidentally unravelling the roll.

I always used to think
it should be at the back,

and then in recent years
I've changed. I've gone front.

You've gone to the front?
Yeah. Well, what you could've done

is you could've installed something
called a Tilt-A-Roll. Oh, yeah?

A Tilt-A-Roll was invented
in 1999 and the holder swivels,

and you can orientate
the paper as you please.

Wow.

I have, I have a toilet-roll butler.

Just...

Just stands there, and let him
just hand me, you know...

Give you a little sheet.
"From your expression, sir,

"I would say that's four sheets
that you'll be wanting."

I've got a doubler with
a magazine rack underneath.

Wow. That's horrible.
That's Jonathan Creek money.

SUZI: Yeah.

'90s, innit?

Cha-ching.

People actually think...
I've got a bidet in my house

and people say that you're posh.

Like it's some sort of...
Washing your arse is posh?

..act of social climbing.

Sometimes paper just won't do it.
No!

Won't shift it.

Here he is. Jonathan CRACK.

APPLAUSE

You need some hot, soapy water.

Have you tried those Japanese
toilets that wash your arse for you?

Oh, my... Oh! That is the greatest
thing that has ever happened to me

in my entire... I saw God the first
time I used a Japanese toilet.

It's... Oh, it's...

Oh, God.

Just thinking about it now
is giving me a semi.

Is it powerful? It's basically
calling a drone strike

on your own hole.

So is it like a jet wash
at the garage?

Yeah. Yeah.

And you know how much fun they are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are.

Has it got five sort of...

Has it got a cycle of all
the foamy stuff...

You can do the heat.

I'll do the Platinum Supreme.

I want my hubcaps buffed.

SUZI: Wax on, wax off.
That's what happens.

But I still don't understand,
what does it do?

It washes your arse, like, there's
a jet of water that comes out

and you can aim it
and control the temperature

and control the force of it.

And honestly, I...

You could eat dinner
off my arsehole.

Anyway, moving on...

What can you do with 20 tonnes
of unwanted hair trimmings?

Make an awful sandwich.

Make wigs?

Well, it's an astonishing story,
really.

It's used to clean up oil spills.

What? Yeah.

So the idea came from
a hairstylist in Alabama,

a guy called Phil McCrory,
and he was watching the news -

I don't know if you can remember
the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill -

and he saw how difficult
it was for volunteers to clean

the fur of otters that
were matted with oil.

And he's watching this
and he thought,

if animal fur can trap the oil,

then I wonder if human hair
could do the same.

So what he did is
he conducted an experiment.

He poured oil, motor oil
into his son's paddling pool

and then he stuffed his salon's hair
trimmings into his wife's stockings.

And those things that he made,
these kind of hair booms,

it's still made the same way today
with nylon tights and cable ties.

There they are. It's a fantastic way
to clean up oil spills.

It's also a great way to recycle
all the hair cuttings.

And in fact, until 2021,

when 550 salons
in the UK and Ireland

signed up to donate spare hair

to oil spills, 99% of the cuttings
went into landfill,

but now the leftover hair
is used to clean up oil.

Do you not think that's so clever?
Incredible. Yeah.

It's just brilliant. Now, hair...
Someone wants to applaud.

Is it a hairdresser?

APPLAUSE

So here's a supplementary question.

Hair is so good at taking up the oil
because it's very...

NISH: Hairy.

Oh, no, it's not absorbent, is it?

That's... Did you say absorbent?
KLAXON

No. Ooh. AUDIENCE: Ooh!

OK, it's not ab-sorbent,
it's ad-sorbent.

Oh, I'm adsorbent.

What it means, rather than sucking
the oil in, it sits on top...

What's the word again?
Adsorbent.

Oh, I said that.
It's just my accent.

It sits on top of the hair
and covers the entire surface area,

rather than being sucked
into the hair,

so it doesn't absorb it.

And there's now a charity called
Matter Of Trust

and they co-ordinate donations
of hair and wool

and so on from salons
and pet groomers and farmers.

And they specifically ask
only for head hair.

Gonna put that out there.

That's a real shame,
cos I'll be honest with you...

..the hair and face
is just the beginning.

Oh, really?

I could clean up a few oil spills,
if you know what I mean.

Could we keep it on Nish' body
and just sort of...

Grab his feet.
I'm here, everyone! Relax!

Send some hairy people in -

"Swim! Swim!

"Until you can swim no more."

Right.

You have glasses of water
next to you.

I want you to pop your finger
in your glass of water

and tell me if it feels wet to you.

Uh-oh. Is this going to make me wee?

What d'you reckon, Mark? Feel wet?

Yeah, it feels wet. Did you say yes?

Yeah. What?
KLAXON

Here's the thing.

Human beings can't technically
feel wet at all.

Oh... So if you think you are
detecting wetness on your skin,

what you're actually feeling is
a change in temperature and texture.

Other animals like spiders
and insects and so on,

they have hygro receptors,
so sensors in the skin

that tells you if something is wet
or not. And we don't have that.

If you're blindfolded and you fall
in a swimming pool... Yep?

..you'd think...

You'd just think, "Oh, I've landed
in a skip full of rubble."

"Oh, my God, it's colder
than I expected,

"and therefore it's wet."

It's a perceptual illusion.

You're exactly right. It's a change
of temperature and touch,

and we have receptors for that.

We just don't have receptors for
saying, "Oh, my goodness, it's wet."

So, you know that thing if you try,
I don't know,

to take laundry in
on a chilly evening

and the T-shirt is still damp?

Mm-hmm? Yeah. Or is it just cold?

Yes. This is the point.
What about when you wee yourself?

I mean, that... That feels wet.

That does feel wet.

No, it feels...

It feels warm.

Some skin receptors are
also triggered by menthol,

so the chemical in mint,

and that's why that gives us
an illusion of coldness.

So drinking cold water after
brushing your teeth, for example,

with minty toothpaste. Yeah, that
shower gel with the tea tree in it.

Ooh, yeah. Ooh.

That's like a party
for the body, isn't it?

It really is, but sometimes you use
a little too much, don't you?

Just don't put that in your bidet.

Woo!

Oh, yeah. You could really
ruin someone's Japanese toilet.

Unscrew the top.
Little bit of that in there.

ALAN SCREAMS

Nish would love it.

I'd love it. Yeah.

Would that touch God?

You can't feel Wet Wet Wet
in your fingers and your toes.

AUDIENCE GROANS

But you can feel
if Love Is All Around.

How could you make a trapeze
more terrifying?

Put loads of those trumpet flowers
underneath it.

That would do it.

Wouldn't it?
Or a Japanese toilet?

Yes. Underneath.

So, this is turn of
the 20th century.

We're talking about
a particular stunt.

So you might choose to strap
your trapeze to a hot-air balloon.

What? Yeah.

So the turn of the 20th century,
there were stunt performers,

and they combined ballooning,
trapezing and parachuting

into a single act.

Right?

They did acrobatics on a trapeze
attached to a parachute

hanging from a hot-air balloon
thousands of feet in the air.

Then they'd cut loose
from the balloon,

still on the trapeze,
with the parachute attached

and then hopefully it would open
as you came back down to Earth.

Hopefully. Yeah. Well...
Was there a sort of little point

where, as you were falling,
it went...

..and if you were really clever,
you did it at the right time,

you ended up on a keyring?

I have to tell you about
this particular stunt.

Fatalities were common.

Not a phrase you want
to hear, is it?

It's the same as being
a stand-up comic.

But I tell you this to introduce you
to a marvellous entertainer

who was called Dolly Shepherd.
She was an amazing woman.

She was carrying out
a double jump in 1908

when her partner
Louie May's parachute failed,

and she was hanging
from a trapeze at 11,000 feet

and she swung over
to her friend's trapeze,

who was, she was hanging from
the same balloon, and grabbed it

and she got Louie
to wrap her legs around her.

And they both descended
on Dolly's parachute.

And the heavy landing
paralysed Dolly,

and they said
she would never walk again.

Four months later,
she was back skydiving.

I think it's outrageous
that WE'RE called entertainers,

and that's what they did.

I just think she's
so worth knowing about.

During one jump, she nearly landed
on an express train,

but the driver,
with some forethought,

puffed the steam on his engine
and blew her into a ditch.

Just...puff!

Was she a cartoon?

Yes, she does sound
like the Road Runner.

Yeah, yeah. There was another one
where she used to run

off the edge of a cliff
and dangle her...

And she lived to the age of 96,
died in 1983,

and flew with the famous
Red Devils Parachute Troop

to celebrate her 90th birthday.

Oh, wow! I just love that.
I know. It's just so wonderful.

We should pay tribute to her.
Right, after that thrilling ride,

we're crashing back down to
terra firma with a round

of General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.

What do the Germans call those big
mugs of beer that they drink from?

SYNTH VOICE: # Down. Up and down. #

Is it a Stein?

KLAXON
Yeah.

If you asked a German shopkeeper
for a Stein,

they wouldn't really know.

It's what the English call
the German beer mugs.

It is not what the Germans call it.
Oh. Oh.

They call it Humpen, or Krug.

Easy for you to say.

Yeah.

So Stein means stone, basically,

and it's the ceramic ware
that the stuff is made of.

But it's not what they call it.

But a Humpen or a Krug is made
from all sorts of materials.

But it has a handle
and sometimes a lid.

You don't have to be Ein-stein

to know Germans don't call
a beer mug...
AUDIENCE GROANS

Don't listen to them, Sandi.
I thought it was very good.

I... You lot. Next time, Pointless.

That's where you...

If you're not appreciating this...

APPLAUSE

You don't have to be Einstein
to know Germans

don't call a beer mug ein Stein.

20 points if you can tell me
the country

where snowboarding was invented.

Oh, well, it's going
to be some wacky shit

because that's,
this show just loves a,

"Ooh, here's the obvious answer."

IMITATES KLAXON

So I'll say Egypt.

APPLAUSE

Yeah. Down the Pyramids.

No, it's a particular village
in Turkey.

It is... What? Turkey?

Yeah. Mesekoy, it's called.

And it's in the Kachar mountains.

OK? There it is on the map.

So, this village
used to be called Petran.

And the story goes that there was
a boy who was given the job

of cleaning his father's prayer mat

and he realised that if you placed
the mat on a snowy slope,

he could glide, and a hobby took off
in this particular village.

What? The problem was he crashed
into a bloke on a tightrope.

But the Petran board has got
a string on the front to help

with steering and balance
and they'd mould the wood

using the steam from a kettle

and then they'd put cow fat
on the bottom.

And apparently it's fantastic.

The only thing is
it's sort of dying out

because the kids of the village now
don't think it's cool.

Wow. They're not really
doing it any more.

It's SNOW joke...

AUDIENCE GROANS
LAUGHTER

Snowboarding was originally
a Turkish delight.

Er...

AUDIENCE GROANS

No, no, you're trying
to build up your part now.

OK.

When did almond milk
become so bloody popular?

When we found their nipples.

APPLAUSE

Oh, it's either going to be 2015,
or the year 2000 BC.

Which are we going to go for?

Is it a recent thing
or is it an old thing?

Really old. It is really old.
It's gonna be really old. Well old.

We have been replacing dairy
with almond milk

since at least the 12th century.
What?! I was going to say that.

12th century, would've been my
guess.

At least the 12th century. Yeah...

Aww... Some poor sod,
when it first happened.

"Cor, a cup of tea, please,"

in 1183. Yeah.

"What sort of milk do you want?"

"Oh, I don't know."

"Well, do you want coconut milk?

"Sheep milk?

"Ewe milk? Iguana milk.

"Llama milk.
"Milk expressed by Sandra,

"who sits in the back office
squirting it..."

You have full fat in the morning,
semi-skimmed in the afternoon.

Milk! Milk!

But it's the 12th century now.
We've got this.

Well, here's the thing.
There are food historians who say

it was the single most important
ingredient

in medieval European cookery.

So one of the reasons for it
is that cow's milk,

often very unappetizing.

You have to imagine,
it's pre-pasteurization days

and apparently
you could pull strings of bacteria

and clumps of earth from your glass,

and you couldn't eat animal products
on various fast days.

So almond milk, absolutely perfect.

And almonds, of course,
the world's oldest domesticated tree.

We think human beings started
cultivating them to eat

somewhere around 9000 BC.
I mean, it's amazing.

That's what I thought, 9000 BC. Yep.

I should have asked you first.

Can I just say, if you see almonds
in the wild, do not eat them.

They're bitter and toxic.

There's enough cyanide in them
to kill a child.

I mean, don't do that either.
Don't, don't...

There's cyanide in apple pips.

Yeah. The Poison Garden woman,
this was part of her...

Part of her thing.

She said, "Look at that,
look at that, apples.

"They look innocent enough,
don't you? But just a few pips

"and that could absolutely
wipe someone out.

"How many pips do you think you
would need to give somebody

"enough cyanide to kill them?"

And a woman put up her hand
and went, "I reckon it's 50."

And she said, "You know,
you're absolutely right.

"How did you know that?"
And she said,

"Well, I tried 49 on me husband
and it didn't quite work."

All of which ancient nuttiness

brings us to the real kernel
of the show.

It's time to reveal the scores.

Ooh.

Thrashing the competition

with -2...

..today's winner is Mark!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Winner?

Try being in second place with -5,

Suzi!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In third place with -15 -

and this has surprised me -

it's Nish!

Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which means in last place,

crying over spilled almond milk,

with -17, it's Alan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And it's thanks to
Nish, Mark, Suzi and Alan,

and I leave you with this
from Irish thriller writer

and former Marine Victor O'Reilly.

"If at first you don't succeed,

"well, so much for skydiving."
Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE