QI (2003–…): Season 20, Episode 3 - Television - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening! And welcome to QI,

where tonight we are celebrating
100 years of the BBC

in an episode that's all about
television itself.

So for tonight's panel I'm using
words the BBC experimented with

in 1935, to describe viewers
of this brand-new technology.

Let's meet a telly observist,
Greg James!

An opto-viser, Zoe Lyons!

I like it.

A looker-in, Richard Osman!



And...

..a bit of a glancer,
it's Alan Davies!

Thank you very much.

Right, let's hear their TV tunes.
Greg goes...

MUSIC: "Grandstand" THEME
Oh.

Love that. Zoe goes...

MUSIC: "Ski Sunday" THEME
Oh, perfect. That's good, isn't it?

I love the hip action there.
Very good.

Like a mogul field. Richard goes...

MUSIC: "Wimbledon" THEME

And Alan goes...

# Tinky-Winky! Tinky-Winky!
Dipsy! Dipsy!

# Laa-Laa! Laa-Laa!

# Po! Po! #



LAUGHTER

That's all we've got time for.

Right, question number one.
You all spend a lot of time on TV,

but who has spent more time
on television

than anyone else in the world?

I feel like Richard's
got a good shout.

KLAXON

It's good to pop your klaxon
cherry right there. Yes, it is.

Is it the test card girl? She was
always on when I was a kid.

You are absolutely right.

Are you serious?! Oh, wow!
APPLAUSE

Yes. Are you serious? Oh, wow.
It is the most broadcast face

in the history of television.
To be fair, Sandi,

I'm inside that clown costume,
so that's me as well.

She's called Carole Hersee

and it is estimated that Carole
has been on the air

over 70,000 hours. Wow.
That's eight continuous years.

And she is here with Bubbles
the clown tonight. There she is!

Great work, Carole!
APPLAUSE

Wow.

So...questions that we have.

Where did you get Bubbles the clown
from? He was a kit and I made him.

Oh! So your dad, George,
he was an engineer at the BBC.

Yes, and he was helping
to design test cards.

And it was just decided that a child
would be better than an adult

because there would be no fashion,
no make-up to worry about.

Yeah. And it just happened to be
that Dad had sent in some pictures

of my sister and I,

and the committee decided, "We might
as well stick with his children."

You must have the Guinness World
Record, surely, for being... No.

No? Because it's not something
that's achievable to be beaten.

Oh! That sounds like
a challenge. Yes.

I'm honestly trying my best.

I'm free for the next 80,000 days.

But you must
have been incredibly famous.

People must have stopped you
and gone,

"Where's the clown? Get the clown!
Let's play noughts and crosses!"

No, not really. Oh, OK.

OK, well, where's the clown?

Let's play noughts and crosses!

But to anyone under 40, they must
wonder what that picture is.

To us, it's literally like
the Mona Lisa. It's so familiar.

I'm under 40. I know it. But only
from, like, I Love 1977 episodes.

Are these the unused alternatives,
the ones that are on the screen?

It was done in two sessions. These
were taken in the first session.

Then they decided what they were
going to make the picture up as.

And it was decided that
the blackboard was a good foil

for finding
the centre of the screen.

And did you go on into
working in television?

No, I make period costume for
the stage. Do you?

How wonderful. Wow. Amazing.
I'm intrigued by the committee.

Yes, it's the BBC.
There's always a committee.

Thank you so much for coming in!

Thanks to Carole Hersee!

Well, we're delighted to give her

a little bit of screen time
on QI tonight

because, you know,
definitely needs it. Right.

How does the BBC send people
to sleep? What do you reckon?

The Shipping Forecast. Yes...
KLAXON

So there used to be a thing
called The Toddlers' Truce.

1946 to 1957, there was
no television at all in Britain

from 6pm to 7pm.

OK? And this was so that
they could put the children to bed.

It worked really well
until ITV started in 1955.

Why would that scupper
having this hour break?

They could just plough straight
through. But why would they want to?

To suck up... Get all the viewers.
..the audience. Get the viewers.

It's revenue. Advertising revenue.

It's all revenue, this business,
Sandi. It's all revenue. Yeah.

They lost an hour
of prime-time advertising.

And they filled it with Nationwide.

After 17 months of wrangling,

Parliament finally agreed
to abolish it in February, 1957.

We just went to bed when the news
came on. Three-day week,

something about Belfast. Bedtime.

LAUGHTER

When I was a child, my father was
a broadcaster in Denmark.

And television
would come on at seven.

And then my dad would be
sitting there. He read the news.

And he often did it with a pipe
and he always had a telephone

because they couldn't afford
to have filmed inserts.

So sometimes the phone would ring
and my dad would answer the phone

and that went on for an hour
of my dad just reading

and then at eight o'clock they would
have a half-hour documentary

about the Queen's
silver spoon collection,

and then the whole service would
close down. My father was two-thirds

of all available television
in Denmark. Wow. Wow. Wow.

He had a pipe during the news?! Yes!
Sometimes a little beer as well.

I imagine him putting on different
hats and different outfits,

little moustaches. Yeah.
Like a big Edinburgh show.

Yeah. Just, "Yay!"

"Meanwhile, in Germany..."

Are you sure he was on TV?

He might have just been
behind your television.

LAUGHTER

Right, what do you get
on the Blue Peter black market?

Oh! Hmm.

Milk bottle tops. Aww.

What do they collect now?
There aren't any milk bottle tops.

Toenails.

The very first Blue Peter badge was
awarded on the 17th of June, 1963.

It is probably
the world's longest-running

family discount scheme.

So you can get into
over 200 UK attractions for free

and it makes them quite valuable.
For a brief while in 2006,

they had to temporarily suspend
the whole thing

because an online black market
was discovered...

Wow. ..in Blue Peter badges.
The Times' leader -

there's nothing better than a fierce
Times leader - described it as,

"a knife to the national psyche".

LAUGHTER
I've got Blue Peter badges.

Did you say "badges"? Badges?

Yeah. Wow! I've brought them.

I'll give you £5.

What did you get them for, darling?

Well, I got them
about two years ago. Oh.

I got them just for going on.

And you get another one
when you go on again.

I didn't know they got you
into places. I didn't know.

I'd have tried harder as a child.
Legoland, Madame Tussauds...

They're worth their weight in gold.
But now you have to have

an accompanying ID card as well.
Do you?

And they are meticulous
in tracking every child

who's ever had a Blue Peter badge.

Tracking? Oh, yeah? Yes.
That doesn't sound great.

Well, what I mean is
that they have a card index.

The original producer of Blue Peter
was... She's always known as

the legendary Biddy Baxter.

And when she was a child,
she wrote to Enid Blyton twice

and got exactly the same reply
both times. "Eff off!"

She was so angry.

She's just casually sitting there...

With a lion cub. ..with a lion cub.
I know. But she was so angry

about how she was treated
by dear Enid as a child

that she made sure every single
child got an individual response.

And they still have this attitude of
making sure that every child feels

that they are properly cared for.

Renowned, of course,
for the things that they make.

Anybody remember
the Thunderbirds Tracy Island model?

Yeah. I love this.

That's wonderful.
Yoghurt pots, loo rolls and so on.

That's one apparently made by Anthea
Turner in 1993 and she still has it.

Glued to her shoulder.

In the '80s, she had one
on each shoulder, though.

Tracy Island is really
my only childhood memory.

Did you make one? Absolutely, yeah.

Fantastic. The giant cowpat
she's used for the centre part.

It's papier mache! OK.
Then oil and brown paint.

And the grass is sawdust
with PVA glue. It's green paint.

He's a bit touchy on the subject,
I think. Clearly touched a nerve.

Definitely. Stand back!

My kids watched the new Thunderbirds

which is all very exciting.

And then I showed them some old
Thunderbirds episodes and they were

astonished at how long it took
Thunderbird 2 to launch.

Yeah. It took forever. Yeah.

The swimming pool took ages!
"Why is it so slow?!"

And it rumbled out, being pulled
on a bit of fishing wire by some...

The palm trees pulled over
by someone else.

Remember Petra, Blue Peter's
first-ever pet? Oh, man.

Impostor.
I'm just going to say the word.

Impostor. 1962,
on the very last episode -

there's Petra answering the post -
before Christmas...

That should have been a clue,
to be fair.

Petra was a tiny mongrel puppy

and was introduced to the children
as the first-ever pet on Blue Peter.

Unfortunately, her first appearance
was also her last.

She died of a viral disease
two days later.

AUDIENCE: "Awww!"

And the producers raced around
London trying to find a dog

that looked like the one
that had died. No! Yeah.

And they found one
in a pet shop in Lewisham.

That's this one. Fake.

We had exactly the same thing
with Alexander Armstrong.

Same thing.
LAUGHTER

True.

You found him in a pet shop
in Lewisham?

Yeah, we were scouring
the streets looking.

I thought, "OK.
Didn't think to look there."

While we're on the subject
of legendary television dogs,

lovely people,
please give it up for Basil Brush!

Hello! Hello, hello, hello!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at this.

Look at this, eh?

Ooh!

Hello! I can't believe I'm on such
a clever panel. This is wonderful.

First of all, Sandi... Yes? A point
of order if you don't mind. Yes.

Lumping me
into the same category as dogs...

Yes. The last time I looked,
I was indeed a fox.

I'm so sorry. Now I know this is
a very intellectual show,

and you have those elves foraging
away behind the scenes,

hunting for facts, so I have
in fact, panel, brought along

a fun fox factoid... OK.
..for you all.

Right, here we go. Now, did you know

that there is a species of fox

that has evolved to have no ears?

Oh, I didn't know that.
What are they called?

Well, you can call them anything
you like. They can't hear you.

Boom! Boom!

APPLAUSE

You walked straight into
that comedy corridor. Very much.

The real reason you're here, isn't
it, is you're going to clear up

a little bit of general ignorance
for us? Yes, I've got a question

primed for the panel,
so brushes on Basils, please.

Just call me Sandi Foxsvig!

So where do urban foxes get
most of their food from?

OK. Panel?

Yes, Greg? My bins.

KLAXON
Aaaah!

Ugh!

Incorrect and hurtful stereotyping,
if you don't mind.

OK. Shame on you, shame on you.

What do urban foxes
actually like to eat, then?

Well, I'm more urbane,
actually, than urban.

But we're not fussy.
We'll eat rodents. Eurgh!

Worms, birds, rabbits,
even fruit and berries,

if we're feeling vegetarian,
like Mr Alan.

Or we'll eat all the meat if
we're feeling like you, Miss Sandi.

So I'm quite happy to swing
both ways for my stomach

in your back garden.
Now, I've got to say...

Thank you for being present

at one of the most surreal moments
of my life.

LAUGHTER
Promises, promises, Basil.

I mean, we do rummage
in your bins, occasionally.

You can't blame us. No.
You do throw away lovely leftovers

and, Sandi... Yes?
..if you don't mind me saying,

that grilled herring the other night
was delicious.

So I'm looking forward to finding
out what you're making for tea

when I get home tonight!

So I'm going to make a quick exit
to your back garden

down my escalator.

MAKES BUZZING NOISE

The one and only Basil Brush!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anyway, to quote a phrase
first used on Blue Peter,

now for something
completely different.

Who bought nine apartments

just to fill them
with their own TV shows?

Nine apartments? Yes.

So we're going back to videotape,
back to videotape. Ah, OK.

So a tape collection.

Yes, and it's astonishing.

It's a woman
you've probably never heard of.

She was called Marion Stokes.
And she's a legend in television.

She was born in 1929
in Philadelphia.

And, inadvertently, she collected
the only comprehensive archive

of American TV news
from the late 1970s to 2012.

Have you heard of her?
No, it's amazing. It is astonishing.

She began on the 4th November, 1979,
the Iran hostage crisis,

and she started recording the news
on a VCR.

And her son said she hit record
and she never stopped. Wow.

She's a phenomenal woman.
So this is her, co-producing a show

called Input in 1967
about social justice.

She was an amazing person
and she chronicled Fox, MSNBC,

CNN, C-Span, CNBC,
and all of it became

a sort of family obsession.

They'd have to interrupt
dinner to change the tapes.

She just carried on. She filled
71,000 VHS and Betamax tapes.
Wow. My God.

Every minute of US television news
from 1979 to her death in 2012.

She had to buy nine apartments
to store them in... "Had to"!

"I better get another apartment."

"Marion, will you just stop it?"

LAUGHTER

I never learnt how to use
my video player

and to this day I'm really pleased
about that.

Cos...useless now, innit?

I was right just to wait.

Just go, "Yeah, eventually
YouTube will come along

"and all of that knowledge
will be absolutely useless."

So, winning.

What I remember about VCRs,
I had a dog called Bompy,

and he would just shag anything

and I was once at the home
of the founder

of the Born Free Foundation

and Bompy shagged the VCR machine.

LAUGHTER

He didn't get stuck
in the little flap?

I don't believe it worked again.
Anyway... Cos once they're engaged,

you know, they can't withdraw.

The barbs come out
and then you're stuck there.

Oh, ow!
You have to press Eject. Yes.

LAUGHTER

Sometimes there's
a long bit of tape that remains.

"Oh, no, the tape's fucked!
The tape's fucked!

"Gentle, gentle!
Don't pull it, don't pull it!"

I can't believe I'm on a show

where Basil Brush has lowered
the tone for everybody.

Anyway, she was able to buy
all these apartments, Marion Stokes,

because she was
an early investor in Apple.

And she made an enormous amount
of money. Good noise!

Cos you never had
that opportunity, did you?

Anyway, what do dogs
like to watch on TV?

Other dogs, I reckon.

If I'm driving in the car
with my dog,

he loves to see
other dogs in cars. Yeah.

They do that thing where they have
one paw on the window, like...

Yeah.

And then he's a Jack Russell
and he gets that look in his eye.

"Dog! There's a dog! Dog!

"You want some? You want some?

"Yeah, jog on."

Any other thoughts? Basil,
have you got any thoughts, darling?

Yes, I'm glad
you brought me back up there.

How about
The Great British Bark Off?

KLAXON

Oh!

Dogglebox?

Yes, yes.

Or Gogglefox!

Even better. Dogglefox, hello.

Any more? Have you any more?
You'll like this one.

Have I Got Chews For You.

KLAXON

I'm quite good at this.
OK. Any more? The Chase?

LAUGHTER

KLAXON

OK, you stay down there now, Basil.

Ooh!

That was my spare hand.
LAUGHTER

Honestly,
it's like a sort of bad dream.

They don't even have hands!

I know! It's very confusing.

So what do dogs like to watch on TV
was the question.

Humans need a minimum
of 16-20 frames per second

in order to perceive what
we think of as a continuous film.

Dogs need about 70 so,
historically, films were presented

at 24, 25 frames per second,
so to dogs it's like

a sort of series
of flickering images,

but in recent years
frame rates have increased on TV.

So, for example, sports programmes
are up to 60 frames per second,

but we think of the original films,
which are 25 frames per second,

as much slower, as classier.

We think of Casablanca and
all those films as being classier.

And recently they've shot
big-screen films

like The Hobbit
in many more frames

and people have said, "Oh, my God.
It looks like a soap opera."

So people just don't think
it's classy.

Yep, people complain
that the better quality it is,

the less quality. Oh, hello!

Oh, I didn't know what that was.
It's a remote control.

LAUGHTER

He's going to get that stuck
in the VHS player in a minute.

Dogs will happily tune in
to any TV with a high frame rate.

They'll also watch
the National Lottery,

but only if it's a rollover.

What morally dubious activity
takes place

while people are watching TV?

Judging people while pulling
the fluff between your toes out.

Is that you watching TV, Zoe?

And then making socks
out of the fluff that's come out.

I always feel like

if I'm eating a packet of Wotsits
during MasterChef,

I think, "Oh, come on."
They're making this beautiful stuff,

and you're going,
"These are delicious!"

I do like those. They're lovely.

Oh, yeah, they're great.
Frazzles as well.

Oh, I've not had those.
You haven't had Frazzles?!

You haven't had Frazzles?
No. Greg, should I try them?

They're, like, take a breath!

You can't believe it, can you?
She's never had a Frazzle!

The things we've been through
the last two years and that was...

It's like bacon, but kinder.

I like bacon. A Quaver?

Oh, I don't like Quavers.
Oh, come on!

They're delicious!

What's the matter with you?!
Who likes Quavers?

AUDIENCE "Yes!"
Who doesn't like Quavers?

AUDIENCE "Yes!"

Oh. That was more than a third.

That really had the feel
of a 52/48, didn't it? Yeah!

Who likes Quavers...and Brexit?

SCATTERED GROANS
Oh, it's the other lot!

Quavers for Remainers.

So the morally dubious thing.

2002, the head of Turner Broadcasting
System, a man called Jamie Kellner,

he accused television viewers

who ignored or fast-forwarded
through ad breaks of being immoral.

He said that that's the
contract you make with the network.

If you watch a show, then you are
also going to watch the commercials

because if you don't, you're
actually stealing the programme.

Urgh. Yeah. He did say

a certain amount of tolerance is
allowed for going to the bathroom,

but only if you really need to go.

BBC's never carried advertising,
but it still needed programme breaks

so they used what were called
"interlude films".

Anybody remember
The Potter's Wheel?

Oh, the Potter's Wheel, yes.

They also had that penis
that rose right up....

..to fully erect
and then went down again.

I think they only played that once.

"Wrong tape, Nigel! Wrong tape!"

"You didn't put that out, did you?"

"I don't think anyone noticed."

So what they used to
do between shows,

they used to have idents
or moving logos.

Remember this one?
This was the bat wings one.

Let's have a look.
Remember the bat wings? No.

They were proper physical objects
that moved

and, in fact, this one was
so delicate it only lasted

for as long as it was filmed,
then it completely collapsed. Wow.

The one I remember is the globe.
Remember the globe spinning? Yes.

That's my era.
That and Jon Pertwee. OK.

HUMS "Doctor Who" THEME

BLOWS RASPBERRY
Behind the sofa.

You couldn't even pause it!

You couldn't even pause it!

It just went on. Stop it! Stop it!
"We can't stop it!"

Anyway, it's tiny. We have it here.

Right down the front. It's
the real thing? It's the real thing.

We've got the clock as well,
which is absolutely tiny.

And I don't know if you remember
the moving lines,

which was the BBC Two logo
for a very long time.

We've got all three here
and they're absolutely tiny.

Those are all the real ones
right there. Wow.

To be fair, Sandi, if they'd
done the globe actual size...

Yeah.

"What a waste of the licence fee!

"The BBC have made a planet."

What size would you
have liked it to be?

Well, I don't know.
Beach ball? Yeah!

Open it up, fill it with Frazzles.
Lovely. Done.

LAUGHTER

Now, do not adjust your set
as we transition

from the frothy glitz of prime time
to the gritty post-watershed drama

that is General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.

What is the world's
longest-running TV show?

Coronation Street
must be up there, Sandi.

KLAXON
Surely! No!

There it is, right up there.

The longest-running sitcom is
Last Of The Summer Wine, I think.

Isn't it? Great show.

Did you like that? Loved that show.
I watch it every Sunday.

I don't think it's on any more,
Greg. Where are you watching that?

I've got nine apartments'
worth of VHS tapes.

LAUGHTER

Is it a British one or where
are we going? It is British.

The longest-running show ever
in the history of telly

is a British show?!

It's an annual event.
Is it the Queen's Speech?

We're heading in the right
direction.

It's the Lord Mayor's
Show from London.

Ahh! It's so disappointing
when you get the answer.

Especially if the answer's that.
Yeah!

The parade is over 800 years old.

It originated in the 13th century.

And the BBC began televising it
in 1937.

Wow. That's just one year after
they launched their regular service.

And it has broadcast every year
since, apart from World War II.

So there's been a total
of 77 instalments over 85 years.

It makes it the longest-running
television programme.

Do you remember on the horse racing
they used to have a Citroen

with a camera on the roof
driving alongside? Yes! Yes!

It's like early GoPro, isn't it?

Yeah, really early GoPro!
You need a Citroen.

It's driving alongside
the horses and the bloke...

There had to be a bloke
on the top as well!

An absolute health and safety
disaster now!

"It's all right -
I'll go on the roof with it!"

Probably started out the window.

"It's terrible out the window!
I'm too low!

"We're going to put it on the roof!"
"Are you mad?!

"It's not even a proper road -
it's a horse track!

"They go fast, you know,
they're doing 40!" "It'll be fine!"

"Holy shit!"

Just get on the car and go...waaah!

Why would you not just sit
on a horse with a camera?

Oh, yes, that's so easy, Greg,
isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

The cameras are
the size of the horse!

Strap it to his head!
Strap it to the horse's head...!

They've got to keep up
with pure-bred racehorses!

This poor bastard
carrying a camera and a man!

I'm just offering solutions!
I like that, Greg!

The car was a better idea!
The car was a good idea.

It was just profoundly unsafe.
Insanely, madly unsafe.

Inevitably, the driver was pissed.
Everyone's always pissed!

At any races after lunch, the
driver's drunk.

Everyone was drunk,
Greg, in the '70s! Yeah.

All the time!

Another solution - another jockey
on the back of the original horse

who's trained in horses,
train them up as a camera operator.

They're filming behind
on the other horse.

Good idea, but what if
the horse with the camera

gets ahead of himself? Yeah.

He sees the finishing line
and thinks, "I can have this."

LAUGHTER
And then all you see on TV

is just an empty screen

as he moves away from the horses.

"Jesus Christ, he's good!
Look at the speed of him.

"He's filming it and everything!"

What you need to understand, Greg,
is he's waited 50 years

to get this off his chest.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The longest-running television show
began production

hundreds of years before
television was even invented.

What colour is radiation?

Oh, no... Ooh! Green.

Brown.
KLAXON

It's see-through, isn't it?
I thought it was see-through.

It's mostly invisible, colourless.
It's not a colour!

You can't ask what colour something
is if it's invisible! Well...

"What colour is it?" It's invisible!
LAUGHTER

We've reached the point in the show

where Alan's medication
has worn off.

LAUGHTER

It's just kicking in.

It is commonly depicted as green
in popular culture.

That is the point.
But it is not green.

There is something called
Cherenkov radiation... Sure.

..that is seen
in water-cooled nuclear systems

and that makes the water glow,
but it's blue. OK.

And not green.
Didn't I say blue in my list?

No. No.
Second row, "No, you didn't."

I think on that note it's high time
for the scores.

I don't believe it!

In first place, with minus four,
it's Richard!

APPLAUSE

AS BRUCE FORSYTH:
In second place, nice to see her,
to see her nice, it's Zoe!

APPLAUSE

AS ALAN SUGAR:
In third place, with minus 15,
you're fired, Alan.

APPLAUSE

AS ANNE ROBINSON:
In fourth place, with minus 19,
you are the weakest link, Greg.

APPLAUSE

But...he foxed it up completely,

in last place with minus 20,
it's Basil Brush! Thank you!

APPLAUSE
Thank you, thank you.

All that remains is for me to wish
the BBC a very happy 100th birthday

and to thank Greg, Richard, Zoe,
Alan and, of course, Basil!

Thank you!

Here we are, sweetie.

And I leave you with the words
of David Frost.

"Television is an invention
that permits you to be entertained

"in your living room

"by people you wouldn't
have in your home."

People like us. Goodnight.

Say goodnight, Basil.
Goodnight, Basil!