QI (2003–…): Season 20, Episode 10 - Telling Tails - full transcript

Good evening.

Welcome to QI, where tonight,
tonight we are

telling tales about telescopes,
telephones and any number of tails.

So let's meet our wags.

Bright-eyed and bushy tailed,
it's Rob Beckett.

Like a dog with two tails,
it's Sarah Millican.

Shaking his tail feather,
it's Daliso Chaponda.

And not making head or tail
of anything, it's Alan Davies.

Let's see what tales
the buzzers tell.

Rob goes...

# Tell her about it



# Tell her everything you feel... #

Oh, we're off. Sarah goes...

# Tell me why
Ain't nothing but a heartache... #

I love this radio station. Really.
This is fantastic.

Daliso goes...

# Tell me why I don't like Mondays

# Tell me why I don't
like Mondays... #

Up and away. And Alan goes...

William Tell Overture
by Rossini

OK, before we actually start,
I'm going to give five points

to anybody who can name
the person that

Alan's buzzer was written about.

William Tell Overture.

Is exactly right, five points.



Do you get points
if you know the words to Alan's?

# Diddle-ih, diddle-ih,
diddle-ih, dih, dih... #

That's the words.

Yeah. # Run away, run away
with William Tell

# Ring your bell
and pedal like hell. #

Is that not right?

I like the way you've called it
Alan's song, like he owns it now.

In the 1960s, it was the theme
tune to the Lone Ranger,

and it was sort of a test to see

where people were kind
of culturally.

Did you think that was the tune
to William Tell,

or did you think it was
the Lone Ranger theme?

So, what was the nationality
of the first figure to shoot

an apple from their son's head?

Danish.

Yes! Yes, yes!

Was it, really?
Yes.

What's telling you...?

You can just tell
it's going to be Danish.

I can just tell, though,
I get a feeling.

It's a funny little radioactive vibe
emanates from a Dane

when they're talking about...

..when they're talking about
another Dane.

It's weird.

Was William Tell Danish?
No, but he wasn't the first person.

William Tell was...?

He was the third person to do it.
No, it was... I was looking for...

Twelfth person.

He was Swiss,
is what I was looking for.

So the very first person
that we know of to do this

was a Dane called Palnatoke.

So he's contemporaneous with
King Harald Bluetooth.

Yes. Is that him? He's very young.

I know, yes.

Also, he used a bow and arrow,
not, like, a crossbow?

Yes, so bow and arrow,
absolutely right.

And he once said
after a few mugs of ale

that shooting an apple off a stick
didn't show much class.

So the King, Bluetooth,
ordered this guy, Palnatoke,

to shoot an apple
off his son's head.

So, he put the apple
on the son's head

and then he plucked three
arrows from his quiver.

Then the King says,
"Why do you take three arrows out?

And he said, "I'm going to tell
you in a sec."

And he shoots the thing,
hits the apple exactly,

and the King says,
"The three arrows?"

And he says, "Well, the other two
were to avenge my son

"against you in case I missed
the apple on the head."

And people say
iPads are bad for kids. Yeah.

It's not surprising that a Dane was
one of the first great archers.

Some of the bows found in swamps
in Denmark,

they're over 8,000 years old.

And Danish archers may also have
used poison arrows.

They would have put
mistletoe on the arrow heads.

Not remotely surprised.

Why mistletoe, though?

Cos it's... Make it more romantic?

Yeah, they're poisonous. Oh...

If you want to kill an auroch...
Do you want to kill an auroch?

I don't know what one is yet.
Are they in Lord Of The Rings?

I know it only
because I was in a schoolhouse

and we had aurochs,
kudus and elands.

So it's a kind of deer.

Well, close - it's a kind of cow.
It's an early kind of cow.

OK. An early cow?
Yeah.

They're called calves.
Buffalo.

That's right.

I don't want to start coming on here
and start running the show, yeah?

Yeah. They don't exist any more,
they're gone.

They're gone?
Yeah, 1627, the last one died.

Oh. We saw some horses in a field...
No, we saw some cows in the field.

My little boy said,
"Look at those funny cows."

But they were horses.

But I can't remember if it was
"look at those funny cows"

and they were horses,

or "look at those funny horses"
and they were cows.

I think it was that. Anyway...

Why don't you find out for real
and then do it in next week's show?

Yeah.

Just a thought.

So probably you're thinking
of oryx - O-R-Y-X.

Yeah, and it's not that,
it's A-U-R-O-C-H-S.

So he was right about them.
Oh, yes.

It was a deer, not an early cow.

I'm going to give you
a point for the misunderstanding.

Wow! I wish that would work
in love...

Take it. Really? Yeah.
..just generally.

Oh?

Misunderstanding - you get a point.

Are you not having a good
time in the love department?

Oh, no, it's dreadful.

Is it?

I mean, what are you looking for?
We could put an ad out just now.

I think it's a problem.

I'm looking for someone
understanding and patient.

Oh, God, you've got no chance.

Why? Why? Are you a dick?

I'm married and I'm
still on the lookout for that.

Another amazing archer
was an American.

He was a guy called Howard Hill.

He's considered to be the greatest
archer in history

and he was also a stunt man.
Here he is teaching Errol Flynn.

And he even shot
a prune from a volunteer's head.

Was it a prune all the time,
or did it just take him ages

and it eventually became a prune?

A bloke in Hollywood with
a grape on his heading,

waiting to do the raisin shot.

Also, the shocking part of that
story is "from a volunteer's head."

That shows both understanding
and patience. Yeah.

"Would you have a prune shot
from your head by an expert archer?"

"I would."
"You're the one for me."

That's a good question to ask on,
what is it? Tinder profile?

What's the...? Tinder...
So what is, swiping...?

Which is it?
Right to like someone?

I don't know, I'm married.
Why are you looking at me?

You're married, I'm married,
you're married.

I don't know. Right is...
Oh, you know. Yes. He knows.

It's not... I've got carpal tunnel.

I just say "Yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes."

Whilst crying and crying and crying.

"Are you patient?!"

"Do you understand me?!"

I love being married. I think
it's just the most marvellous thing.

Oh, yeah, and me too, Lou.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This presupposes, Rob,
that she'll bother to watch.

But her parents will.
Oh...

Now, tell me this, hmm?

What use is a telepathic rabbit?

Oh... What kind of rabbit?
Is it the animal?

Yes, it's a rabbit.
Oh, OK.

I don't have an answer.

For the one you were thinking of,

I suppose it would know when to
speed up, when to slow down.

Oh! Exactly.
Wouldn't it be amazing?

Ann Summers has gone psychic.
Yeah.

In my limited experience,
women don't always want rampant.

No.

They've got to be understanding
and patient and you're rampant.

And battery powered!

I don't think I've ever hit rampant.
No, I've never hit rampant.

Just plugging away.

Rampant's far too sort of...

Yeah. I get to tiring quite early.

Buying your own rabbit. "I'll have
one of the tiring rabbits, please."

Slows down after two minutes.

Well, that's when
your batteries are low.

Anyway, it's too much.

You know what happens
when you book me.

I know, I know
and it's always a pleasure.

So... It is always a pleasure.

So this is a true story,
but you sort of can't believe it.

So, in the 1960s, the Soviets
wanted a method to send

emergency communications to
submerged submarines.

When they're under water, they
cannot receive or indeed send

radio signals,
so they turned to rabbits.

This is a genuine experiment.

The hypothesis was that
the mother-newborn bond

existed as a sort of telepathic
communication, right?

So, they took a mother
rabbit from her offspring

and they put electrodes on her brain
and they placed her in a submarine.

This is a serious experiment.

And then they, on land,
killed the baby.

I know, it's horrific.

Oh, my God! Whoa, whoa,
what did the baby do?

It died.

Just saying, you know, I want to
hear both sides of this story.

Yeah, yeah. The idea is that
the mother would be able to sense

the baby's distress, and that
changes to her brain would signal

to the submariners to surface and to
radio home and receive instructions.

That's a genuine experiment.

But did they have to kill it?

Could they not have just made it
do, like, hard maths or something?

You know, it'd be like "Argh!
My baby's trying to do maths!"

If you've got a claustrophobic
rabbit... Yeah.

..you'll just keep coming up.

It's like, "Up!"

"It's time to go up.
it's time to go to the surface!"

I think they're all right in holes,
though, aren't they, rabbits?

I don't know much about rabbits, but
they don't mind a burrow, do they?

I think they don't mind. Yeah.
I think they're all right with that.

I think that's fair, Rob. You don't
get many rabbits at home going,

"I can't be in here,
I can't be in here."

Yeah, "It's all a bit closed in."
"It's all dark!" Yeah.

"All dark little tunnels everywhere.

"I'm a rabbit -
I can't live like this!"

Do you believe in telepathy?
Do you guys, anybody believe in it?

Yeah.

So, researchers at
the University of Washington

and Carnegie Mellon University,
in 2018,

they demonstrated actual telepathy
while playing the game of Tetris.

They had two players wearing
what's called EEG caps.

That's electroencephalography.

And they can detect electrical
activity produced by their thoughts.

And so they watched a game happening

and they simply thought about what
move should be played, right?

Then there was a third player

wearing the transcranial magnetic
stimulation cap,

and he received the thoughts
and then moved the pieces,

despite not being able to
see the screen.

And the experimenters reported
an 81% accuracy in the moves made.

Now, if it could point to a future

where there is brain-to-brain
interfaces,

imagine the possibility
of direct communication

for people who are deaf
or in other ways impaired.

It would be incredible.

Yeah, that would be amazing,
but I don't want anyone knowing

what's going on in here. Yeah.

The world would fall apart
if people knew

all the deviant thoughts that...

But that's just Twitter, isn't it?

That's exactly Twitter.

I can sometimes tell
when my husband's about to talk.

I don't think that's telepathy,
though.

It's a little breathing thing,
I think. Yeah.

I think that's what it is. You can
hear him behind the tape.

What's that under the floorboards,
Sarah?

Sometimes he's genuinely decided
to not say the thing

he was going to say... Right.
..cos it wasn't worth it.

No. But because I've gone,
"What were you going to say?"

he has to say it, and I go,
"Well, why did you say that?"

And he'll go, "Well, I wasn't going
to say it and you made me say it!"

That's where my marriage is at.

Yeah.

Is it telepathy
when you know you need a poo?

Well, it would be telepathy
if you knew that Sarah needed a poo.

Yeah.

It would depend how far you
were from your own arse.

So, the whole...

Normally keep the same distance.
Yeah.

But if you know you'll need a poo
later, that's precognition.

So if you could time it,
like, you go... OK, stop!

That would be like
if you'd just had Weetabix.

Is Weetabix like instant like that?

No, no, it's, you know you're going
to have one later

and it's going to be decent.

Am I right, am I right? No?

I was at boarding school, and one of
our matrons, she was a cow,

she... Or was it a horse?

She had Weetabix with jam on it.

Oh, what a nutter.
And she'd just chew it?

Yeah. You've got more chance of
building an house with that

than eating it.

Telepathy has finally become
a reality.

Wow, Alan, that's...disgusting.

From telepathy to telescopes.

Why do astronomers hate Alan?

What?! Oh...

Is Alan a cloud?

Oh, that's... We're sort of heading
in the right... Allo.

Oh, I thought it was this Alan.

So, it is an acronym.
So...

Oh! Oh. Oh. Oh...

Is it something to do with
the sky?

You're so quick. Yes.

It's Artificial...
A low something? No.

Low... Artificial Light At Night.

It's a huge problem for astronomers.
Oh.

And that means that telescopes
for astronomers have to be placed

somewhere away from cities.

So, one of the largest telescopes
ever used in the UK

is the Isaac Newton. It's about
2.5m, this telescope.

It was moved to La Palma
in the Canary Islands in 1979.

You can get an app on your phone
now, tells you where everything is.

My first holiday with my
now husband,

he pointed out things and I thought,
"He knows a bit about it."

And I only know a few things.

No, no, he was...

He was allowed to talk then, Alan.

And he said, "There's Orion,"
and I thought, "I know that one."

Then he said, "There's the North
Star." I thought, "I know that one."

Then he said, "There's the Plough,"
and I thought, "That's me done now."

Everything else is learning.
Yeah.

And he stood for ages and then
he went, "There's another Plough."

And I was like, "He doesn't know
any more than I do!"

I saw the Northern Lights
in Iceland,

and it's better on Google.

Because the cameras are so advanced
now, they're seeing more

than my eyes can.
Some bloke showed me his camera.

It was amazing. I thought,

"Why don't I just send him
and look at it in the morning?"

What's the point?

We thought we saw the Northern
Lights. We were driving through

Northumberland where
there's not a lot of Alan.

Yeah. And there was
green and purple.

We're going, "Wow, look! The
Northern Lights! This is amazing!"

And it turned out it was a
nightclub in Newcastle doing lasers.

Right, which are the most
interesting tails of the sea?

I would have said mermaids.

Because, like, oh, a human with fish
at the bottom. With a tail.

It's just, I don't know where this
mythology came from.

It's fascinating.
So, I'm not talking about stories,

I'm talking about a
different kind of tail. Oh. Oh!

Ah, T-A-I-L.

What I nearly said was, "What's that
fish that's shaped like a horse?"

Sea cows! Do you mean a seahorse?

Sea cows?! The funny cow-fish.

Yeah.

My mum didn't think they were real.
What did she think they were?

She thought they were, like, some
sort of magical Disney character

and then we went to
the London Aquarium,

saw a seahorse and lost her mind.

It's like the equivalent of going to
London Zoo and seeing a Shrek.

Yeah. She was like, "What?!"

I was like, "Yeah, it's a seahorse."

And she was like, "No!"
"Yeah, they're things."

Is that her introduction to
the natural world, through Disney?

Well, yeah, pretty much, yeah,
when you grow up in Abbey Wood.

They hang onto things with their
tails, that's what came to mind.

They do, darling. Yeah.
And there are lots of amazing things

that sea creatures can do with their
tails that maybe we didn't know.

So humpback whales, for example,

talk to each other by slapping
their tails onto the water.

So a single whale sometimes jumps
clear out of the water

and slams its body down like that.

And it does it when it's
approaching a large group

and the large group tends to do
smaller, repetitive tail slaps,

just before a new whale
joins the group.

So when you say single,
you mean one on its own, not...?

Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean...
Sorry, I was just thinking for you.

You're looking out for me.

I'm not picky, I'll take a whale.
That's fine.

They also slap more often when
the wind picks up and I guess it's

probably because... I'm the same.

So, what's fascinating is that,
most likely, they could be passing

on information related to migration,
to breeding, to feeding.

This is not something
I ever thought I'd say out loud,

but humpbacks also slap their bodies
on the water to dislodge

pubic lice, which can grow alongside
barnacles on their genital slit.

Wow. Whoa. Oh! Yeah.

I think that is more likely. And
also, how big are whale pubic lice?

They're probably like
this gigantic...

Big as you, Daliso. Big as me?

One of them could be good for you.

He's dating a pubic lice.

Whales are... They can talk
to one another,

they can communicate over vast
distances. Yeah, they're amazing.

Why do we assume that when one
slaps its tail on the water,

that's a conversation?

He's clearly shaking his lice off.

But it feels like gossip, doesn't
it? Yeah. It feels like they were

chatting to each other...
"Come here, come here..." Yeah.

..but it's like,
"Oh, see her over there?

"She's getting rid
of her pubic lice."

They're just sort of cleaning
themselves up to meet a new group,

like a sink wash
at the end of a date. Yeah.

Oh, what are you
putting in the sink?!

I knew that was a risk on this show.

I find a line and the line is
washing your cock in a sink.

Anyway, moving on.

Now, why would a telephone company
ask their customers not to

use the phone?

Well, nowadays, the phone is
just a relic in your flat.

Cos we're all on mobile, but you
still have the physical phone.

I don't have a landline.

I once had to do an
interview on it and it's so awkward,

I had to lie on the floor
because it's just there.

I don't know why it's there, it's...
Pick it up, yeah?

No, it wasn't ring...

No wonder you're
struggling with dating.

"Hello, do you want
to go for a drink?"

Well, then, when he has a drink,

it's just he has to
get down to it.

You know they're going to
phase them out? What?!

The landline,
they're going to phase it out.

I haven't got a landline.

You've said that, Rob.
We ignored it the first time.

Tell us one of your dreams!

Anyway, the question was,
why, a long time ago,

why would a telephone company ask
customers not to use the phone?

Is it something to do with
the phone box in the picture?

Cos I once went into a phone box

and I held the phone up at my ear
and when I pulled it back,

somebody had squashed
half a mince pie into...

Yum. That was a lucky find!

Was it Christmas?

Not that kind of mince pie,
like proper mince. Proper mince?

Yeah. Beef? Yeah.

Gravy and everything. Ugh!

Imagine the angry phone call.

"You're having a pie!" into the
phone. "Don't you shove that pasty

"in my ear! Don't you dare
shove that pasty in my ear!"

We are talking about the Spanish flu
outbreak in the 1910s.

And what happened was,
telephones became such

a crutch for the isolating
population that when operators

started to get sick as well,
the whole system began to creak.

Up until then, lots of US phone
companies, for example,

had encouraged people to chat
and people were encouraged not to

go to the shops,
but to order by telephone.

That had never been done before,
that was brand-new.

Some kids received their
education via the telephone

and people were even encouraged
to - I love this - to ring their

local newspaper to get the
news of what was going on.

And the phone system then
was operated manually by...

..entirely by women, actually,
and when they started to get sick,

there was nobody there to connect
the calls, and so they sent out

cards and even they had
newspaper ads saying,

"Please don't use the phone,

"because the system simply
can't cope with it."

Now, here's something incredible
about telecommunications.

When he was on campaign,

Napoleon had a mobile device
that could send text messages.

How do you think that worked?

Did he have a long line of people
who just passed it down?

Like Chinese Whispers
all the way along.

OK, so you are heading...

Stop it. Stop it. A point, am I...?

Am I sniffing round a point?

It's like having a
labrador on the show. Yeah!

OK, it is to do with
a line of something.

Did he... He watched whales,
so he got the tail of his jacket

and he flapped it?

Then everybody in the army all
flapped it and the message went.

Did he just write on a bit of paper

"I need a poo" and
then pass it along?

Was it flags? Whack up a flag,
pass on the message, another flag,

another flag, all the way home?

OK, I am going to give you a point

cos that's as close as
we're going to get. Yes!

Yes! Yes!

The labrador's in!

Oh, come on, come on!

As early as 1791,
France had means of sending messages

across the country, and they used
a system called optical telegraph.

So, giant wooden towers with long
arms. And at the height of

the optical telegraph's popularity,
there were 556 towers across France,

so on a clear day, you could send
messages 75 miles per minute.

So, basically, each one had
an operator who moved

the arms to represent a letter.

And then the person at the next
tower would spy the symbol

through a telescope and then relay
the message onto the next tower.

But what's amazing, Napoleon took
a small version of this system

with him on his invasion of
Russia and it meant that he

basically owned a mobile device
that could send text messages.

Wow. I mean, it is
astonishing, really.

And the arms of the telegraph
in that instance, the mobile one,

were attached to the tent
in the camp.

I have to say, it had limited
practical use.

You'd need hundreds of
manned stations

if you were going to send a message
from Moscow to Paris or whatever.

And apart from the sketches, we
don't have much evidence that it was

used, but I still
think it's amazing.

Now, it's time for the tall tales
that we call General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

When the temperance movement was
formed, what did they want to ban?

Well, I'm going to say booze, Sandi.

Yeah.

The answer is nothing. They didn't
want to ban anything at all.

They didn't want to ban anything.
Oh! No.

It began in the 1820s and the whole
idea was that they didn't want

to ban alcohol, they just wanted
people to temper their alcohol. Ah.

So that was booze, then.

Well, they didn't want you to...

They were fine with
things like beer.

Yes. Booze.

Ugh... They just wanted you
to drink less, not ban it.

Just less what, Sandi?

Er...

Less booze, was it? Less booze.

You know what you're driving
me to here, don't you?

Anyway, the whole thing about the
temperance movement, it was very

much taken up in the United States
as a sort of proto-feminist issue,

as women were seen
as bearing the brunt

of the problem of male drunkenness,

and the Women's Christian Temperance
Union, they adopted the mantra,

"The lips that touch liquor
shall never touch mine."

That picture does not make you
want to drink the liquor.

"Say cheese!" but they're like...

Have they had the drink
or not had the drink?

Which one do you like
the look of, Daliso?

If I had to, if I had to...
Yeah, if you had to.

Look at that as a picture of

patience and understanding.
If I had to, there is... Yeah.

The lady at the centre with the hat.

With the hat... Yeah, I like...
She's got...

I like Griff Rhys Jones next to her.

This is probably a short
film parody.

Oh, so that's not the original?
I love it. What a great picture.

And I would guess there's a
lot of men dressed up as women.

It was called
the Kansas Saloon Smashers.

It was a satire of an activist
called Carrie Nation.

She was a woman who went round bars
and smashed them up with an axe.

Now, which is the world's
longest animal?

Oh...

# Tell me why. #

The Loch Ness Monster.

We hadn't even thought of that.

Well, I think you need
a new guy on the firm.

Yeah.

# Tell me why. #

I'm going to get a thingy,
but is it a blue whale?

Yeah, there it is.

Oh, for God's sake, Sarah!

At least mine exists! Thanks for
taking that one for the team.

Giraffe? Is it a jellyfish?

Is it... Did you say jellyfish?
Yeah. I said giraffe.

So, Series A, which is
20 years ago, on QI,

the lion's mane jellyfish was
indeed the longest animal.

Yeah, I remember, cos it's got
tentacles that go on for miles.

We keep discovering new things.

So in Series C,
it was the bootlace worm.

But, in 2020... Drum roll,
let's have a drum roll.

OK, here we go. Sausage dog?

A new siphonophore was found
in the deep ocean off the coast

of Australia that is...

..120m long.

A siphonophore? I thought
that was a brass instrument.

One of the big massive ones,
always got backache on the Tube.

Also, how much does length
really matter?

This is why you're single.

Don't put that on your profile!
Daliso, it really does.

Basically, it's a long string
of thousands of smaller creatures

called zooids,

and their only job is to keep
the larger creature alive,

and some of them propel it along and
some might feed the other animal.

Others act like the gonads
and so on.

And they can't live on their own,
which is why the large collection

is seen as an individual, OK?

A saphinophore? A what?

Siphonophore, yeah.

It's in Lord of the Rings.

Lots and lots of little creatures,
but because they can't live

as individuals, they are seen
together as a single...

Like Tottenham supporters.
So, like...

Can't survive on their own. "Er!"

It's a siphonophore.

So, cos they're lots of
different things all together

they make one... Yeah.

..two blue whales mating, what
are we talking about now, then?

If that went over 120 metres,
is that a thing?

Cos it's two together.

Yeah, I don't think whales
mate end to end, that's the thing.

What about, like,
a whale human centipede?

I think that... I didn't want to
bring it up cos of the dick

in the sink stuff earlier,
but that's a fair shout.

Five blue whales banging -
how long are we talking?

A blue whale orgy? Yeah!

Do you know what? It's been my
great first and last appearance.

I've really enjoyed it.

You can just sort of
imagine all these going,

"Left a bit, left a bit,
right a bit, where are you going?

"Where are we going now?
Where are we going now?

"Where are we going now?
Ask the ones down the...

"Where are we going now?!
I can't function on me own!"

Like a big conga.

All of which, plumbing the depths,
leaves us staring at the abyss

of the scores.

In last place, a bit of a wreck
with minus 27 - wow, that is bad -

it's Alan. Oh, what?!

In third place, sailing close to
the wind at times, with minus 12,

it's Daliso!

In second place, barely keeping her
head above water with minus 9,

it's Sarah!

Have you won? Yeah.

And our winner,
who had a blue whale of a time,

with 4 whole points, it's Rob!
What?!

So, it's thanks to
Sarah, Rob, Daliso and Alan.

And I leave you with a thought
from the brilliant Mark Twain -

why shouldn't truth be
stranger than fiction?

Fiction, after all,
has to make sense.

Thank you and goodnight.