QI (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Bears - full transcript

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[Events]
Format: Marked, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:06.28,0:00:08.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,THEME MUSIC
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:26.92,0:00:28.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:31.60,0:00:34.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Hello, hello, hello, hello,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:34.36,0:00:35.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and welcome to QI.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:36.16,0:00:38.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Once again, we trawl the trackless\Nocean of knowledge
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:38.68,0:00:41.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,only to find that everything\Nsmells fishy.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:41.44,0:00:43.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm joined on the seafront\Nof understanding tonight
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:43.68,0:00:46.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,by three winklepickers\Nand a cockle-warmer.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:46.72,0:00:50.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Bill Bailey, Jimmy Carr,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:50.32,0:00:53.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Jo Brand and Alan Davies.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:56.80,0:01:01.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this evening's QI brainteaser\Nis on your little podia beside you,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:01.60,0:01:05.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Year 5 QI module,\Nand the theme is letters.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:05.92,0:01:07.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Letters.\NShow the boys and girls.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:08.20,0:01:09.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,BILL: Oh, right.\NThere.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:09.80,0:01:12.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Throughout the show,\Nyou have the time, we hope,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:12.76,0:01:15.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,to make up some interesting phrases\Nfrom your letters.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:15.28,0:01:17.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,To keep you occupied.\NJust work on them as we go?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:17.56,0:01:18.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's right.\NBILL: Oh, OK.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:19.00,0:01:20.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Just something to do.\NWhen do we show them?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:20.80,0:01:22.08,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Whenever we've got one good?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:22.28,0:01:23.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,If you'd like, or towards the end.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:24.04,0:01:25.32,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,All right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:25.60,0:01:28.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I've got one too, and I'll show you\Nsomething I came up with earlier.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:28.44,0:01:30.20,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm trying to make "vagina"\Nimmediately.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:30.52,0:01:33.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There, you see? That came\Nfrom my array of letters, you see.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:33.92,0:01:36.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a little play on the initials.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:36.64,0:01:38.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:38.68,0:01:39.92,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,We've already got "quim".\NJo's done "quim".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:40.24,0:01:44.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Have you?\N(ALL LAUGH)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:44.80,0:01:46.68,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.\NYou put the "QI" in "quim".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:46.96,0:01:49.68,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the first- (LAUGHS)\NVery good.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:49.96,0:01:53.16,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the first time\Nmy quim's got a smattering.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:53.44,0:01:54.68,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Look at that!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:54.88,0:01:56.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Vagina doom".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:56.32,0:01:57.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, Lord!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:58.00,0:02:00.56,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It might get in the way of the game,\Nbut do ask a question.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:00.76,0:02:02.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I will do.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:03.12,0:02:05.20,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"Fox!"\NVery nice.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:05.52,0:02:07.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. Yeah.\NI think we get the idea.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:07.56,0:02:10.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You must be a blast by the fridge.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:13.00,0:02:15.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Erm, but first, we ought to do\Nan equipment test.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:15.52,0:02:18.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Jo, how do you go?\NBUZZER HONKS ALARMINGLY
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:18.64,0:02:19.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Very good.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:20.16,0:02:22.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Jimmy goes...\NSHIP's HORN
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:22.80,0:02:25.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Bill goes...\NFOGHORN
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:25.72,0:02:30.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Alan goes...\NWOMAN SAYS, "AHOY! HELLO, SAILOR"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:30.64,0:02:33.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There you are. To please you.\NAPPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:33.40,0:02:34.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:34.96,0:02:37.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, we're gonna start with-\NHang on, hang on, hang on.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:37.72,0:02:39.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Who was that?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:39.88,0:02:43.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,WOMAN SAYS, "AHOY! HELLO, SAILOR"\NHell's bells!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:43.36,0:02:45.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyway, let's start firmly\Non dry land.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:46.24,0:02:49.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Question one - would anyone like\Nsome koala soup?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:49.88,0:02:51.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,SHIP'S HORN\NJimmy.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:51.60,0:02:53.40,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Presumably, a hungry koala.\NIt'd be a hungry koala.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:53.64,0:02:56.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It would be a hungry baby koala.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:56.20,0:02:58.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause koalas are the only animals
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:58.60,0:03:00.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,to make what is called a soup,\Nor pap.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:01.00,0:03:02.64,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What, in a bowl?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:02.96,0:03:05.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Hmm, they make it in a bowl of their\Nbody, and it comes out of their...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:06.16,0:03:07.40,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Mouth. Ears.\NArse.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:07.60,0:03:09.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Their bottom. Yes, their arse.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:09.64,0:03:11.00,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Arse. Do I get a point for that?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:11.24,0:03:12.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You get a point for knowing "arse".\NThank you.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:13.12,0:03:14.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, very good indeed.\NThey make soup with their arse?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:15.12,0:03:17.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They make a soup for their young\Nwith their arse.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:17.80,0:03:19.80,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,That's just... I mean, that's\Ncareless parenting, isn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:21.28,0:03:23.40,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd just quite like to ask\Nwhy haven't they had that
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:23.68,0:03:26.60,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,on the bush-tucker trial\Nin I'm A Celebrity?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:26.92,0:03:29.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(LAUGHS) A very good question!\NAPPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:30.16,0:03:33.00,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They'd bring a koala out\Nand hold it over your bowl.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:33.28,0:03:35.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It lends a horrible-\N"Here's your koala soup, sir."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:35.40,0:03:36.88,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Pfffff!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:37.20,0:03:40.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It lends a horrible new meaning to\N"Waiter, there's a hair in my soup!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:40.96,0:03:43.92,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a koala there, behind you!\NAh, there you are!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:44.20,0:03:46.40,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They're not koala bears.\NThey're not bears. Well done!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:46.72,0:03:48.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They're not bears, are they?\NThey're marsupials.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:48.40,0:03:49.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, what are they most closely\Nrelated to?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:50.20,0:03:51.36,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Kangaroos. Other marsupials.\NThe fish.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:51.64,0:03:52.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,A wombat, in fact.\NA wombat.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:53.20,0:03:54.88,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Are they brothers and sisters?\NWombats don't have soup.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:55.16,0:03:56.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They have cubical faeces.\NDo they?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:57.00,0:03:58.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Rather oddly, yes. Little dice.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:58.80,0:04:00.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Cubicular?\NCubical.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:00.36,0:04:01.56,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He can't get that leaf down, there,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:01.84,0:04:03.40,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,he's been chewing it\Nfor ten minutes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:03.68,0:04:06.40,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, no, isn't that because\Nhe's eating
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:06.64,0:04:08.08,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,the leaves of the eucalyptus tree?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:08.32,0:04:09.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He is eating them.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:09.88,0:04:12.28,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Which acts as a powerful\Nhallucinogen on the koala.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:12.56,0:04:16.56,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,So a lot of the time, they're just\Nsaying, "Eh-heh. Whoaaaa."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:16.84,0:04:19.52,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,(LAUGHS)\N"What'd I come up here for?"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:19.80,0:04:22.32,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that where they got the idea\Nof making things out of their bums?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:22.60,0:04:24.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, it's an analgesic,\Nrather than a hallucinogen.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:24.64,0:04:26.36,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,No, I've always got those two\Nmixed up, you know.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:26.64,0:04:27.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It makes them sort of numb.\NA painkiller.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:28.24,0:04:29.40,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes.\NIt's poisonous.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:29.68,0:04:33.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well... They have an incredibly long\Nintestine, about a mile long,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:34.08,0:04:36.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,to digest all that poison\Nthat would kill a human.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:36.88,0:04:38.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, what it is,\Nit's really quite interesting -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:38.52,0:04:41.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's what we're here for,\Nto be quite interesting -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:41.76,0:04:45.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,they can tell, which scientists\Ncan't, the age of a eucalyptus leaf.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:45.72,0:04:48.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It has to be between a year\Nand 18 months.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:48.76,0:04:51.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,If it's any younger,\Nif has no value whatsoever to them.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:52.12,0:04:54.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They sleep for 20 to 22 hours a day.\N22 hours a day.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:54.88,0:04:56.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I've gotta give you two points\Nfor that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:56.48,0:04:59.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You're absolutely right.\NI won a night out with a koala.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:59.68,0:05:01.92,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you?\NYeah, we were out all night.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:02.20,0:05:03.72,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,We went to a restaurant,\Nthen to a club.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:03.96,0:05:05.36,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you have the soup of the day?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:05.64,0:05:07.92,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And then...\NLAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:08.20,0:05:10.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What do they drink?\NWhat did your koala drink?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:10.32,0:05:11.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Becks.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:11.80,0:05:14.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Hmm. No, they don't drink that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:14.56,0:05:18.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In the Dharuk language,\Nkoala means "no water".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:18.52,0:05:21.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But the main thing we have\Nto remember about koala bears
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:21.28,0:05:22.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,is that they are not bears.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:22.84,0:05:27.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So that leads us to - where do bears\Ndo their business in the winter?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:27.88,0:05:29.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,AHOY!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:29.60,0:05:31.68,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,In the woods.\N"In the woods," did you say?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:31.92,0:05:33.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,KLAXONS
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:34.96,0:05:37.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm afraid it is.\NThat's minus 20 points, Alan Davies.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:37.84,0:05:39.80,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,20?! For f(BLEEP)!\NWell, yes, but-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:40.08,0:05:41.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,SHIP'S HORN
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:42.04,0:05:44.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, Jimmy? Is it the Cayman Islands,\Nfor tax purposes?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:44.88,0:05:47.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No. No.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:47.28,0:05:48.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Erm, the fact is,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:48.76,0:05:51.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,for the seven months of the year\Nthat they're hibernating,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:51.52,0:05:54.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,bears do not either urinate\Nor defecate.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:54.52,0:05:56.84,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,God, they must be busting to go\Nwhen they get up! You'd think.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:57.16,0:05:58.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They have a very clever\Nlittle device.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:58.80,0:06:01.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Firstly, they recycle the urea\Nas protein in the body,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:02.08,0:06:03.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,so they don't need to pee.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:03.60,0:06:05.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And then their body makes\Na little thing called a tappet,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:06.04,0:06:09.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,which is composed of faeces and hair\Nand various other things,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:09.40,0:06:12.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's a sort of butt plug that\Nseals up their anus for the winter.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:12.84,0:06:14.72,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Are they available in the shops yet?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:17.24,0:06:19.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,She-bears give birth\Nwhen they're hibernating.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:19.72,0:06:21.00,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,When they're asleep?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:21.28,0:06:23.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, they sort of wake up,\Nrather briefly, to give birth.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:23.68,0:06:24.88,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They're like, "Oh, Jesus."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:25.24,0:06:27.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And apparently forget about it\Nafterwards.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:27.96,0:06:29.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They go straight back to sleep again.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:29.48,0:06:31.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And they can give birth\Nto up to four cubs,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:31.96,0:06:34.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,from four different fathers.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:34.40,0:06:36.00,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Sounds like the royal family,\Ndoesn't it? Do they...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:36.28,0:06:38.84,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Do they live on an estate,\Nby any chance?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:39.12,0:06:41.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you just say,\N"Do they live on an estate?"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:41.44,0:06:45.44,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, yeah.\NThe white trash of bears.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:45.76,0:06:49.52,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. They do sound a little bit\Nwhite trash to me. Yeah!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:49.84,0:06:53.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So now, bear in your bathroom -\Nwhat shouldn't you squeeze?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:54.04,0:06:55.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:55.92,0:06:57.40,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Toothpaste.\NToothpaste.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:57.72,0:07:00.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes! It will make it crazy\Nwith desire.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:00.40,0:07:01.92,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Crazy with desire. Lust!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:02.20,0:07:03.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, a sort of lust\Nfor the toothpaste.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:03.76,0:07:08.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You'd be safer carrying\Na freshly-butchered elk leg,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:08.68,0:07:10.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,in terms of it would just-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:10.72,0:07:12.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There was a recent-\NWhat, in the bathroom?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:12.76,0:07:15.44,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Marks & Spencer.\NSix butchered elk legs.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:15.72,0:07:18.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,For some reason,\Nbears go crazy for toothpaste.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:18.80,0:07:22.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They trashed a tourist camp in the\NArctic, some polar bears, recently.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:22.96,0:07:26.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But toothpaste does something\Nto dogs as well, gets them going.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:26.44,0:07:29.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You're absolutely right.\NEven though they're close relations.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:29.68,0:07:31.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There are dog toothpastes\Nto look after their teeth,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:32.20,0:07:33.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,but they're flavoured\Nin all kinds of odd ways.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:34.12,0:07:36.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Cat flavour. Peanut butter, beef,\Nthings like that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:36.40,0:07:39.04,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Trouser leg.\NSo, there you are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:39.32,0:07:41.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't go round the toothpaste\Nnear a bear.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:41.88,0:07:45.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What has huge teeth\Nand only one facial expression?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:45.40,0:07:47.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,FOGHORN\NJanet Street-Porter.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:47.68,0:07:49.56,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Janet Street-Porter!\NKLAXONS
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:49.84,0:07:51.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear,\Noh, dear!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:52.12,0:07:53.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, dear, oh, dear.\NAPPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:54.16,0:07:55.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We've got that written up somewhere.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:55.96,0:07:58.56,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, I knew that was-\NI took a fall, but it was worth it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:58.84,0:08:00.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, there you are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:00.32,0:08:02.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, it's an animal.\NOh.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:02.60,0:08:04.40,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Huge teeth and one facial\Nexpression? Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:04.72,0:08:08.12,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,A shark...that's just had\Nquite a bad stroke.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:08.40,0:08:10.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:13.12,0:08:15.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,On both sides of the brain.\NThat'd be quite interesting.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:15.64,0:08:18.00,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Only on one side, so it just swims\Nin a circle, like that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:18.28,0:08:20.64,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, a Botoxed panther.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:20.80,0:08:23.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That would do it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:23.40,0:08:24.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That would qualify.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:26.20,0:08:27.96,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What about a beaver?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:28.24,0:08:30.36,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Beavers have big teeth,\Nand they don't vary their face much.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:30.64,0:08:32.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,This has the biggest teeth\Nof any mammal, actually.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:33.04,0:08:34.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's recently been discovered\Nto be a bear.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:35.08,0:08:37.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It was thought for many years\Nto be a member of the raccoon family,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:37.84,0:08:39.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's not; it's a member\Nof the bear family. Oh.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:40.12,0:08:41.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a giant panda.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:42.00,0:08:44.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And the giant panda's teeth\Nare so enormous,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:45.04,0:08:47.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and it constricts its face,\Nwhich is as stiff as a board.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:47.80,0:08:49.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You can see one there.\NA giant panda.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:49.68,0:08:50.88,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Ah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:51.16,0:08:53.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It was only in 1996\Nit was discovered to be a bear.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:53.52,0:08:56.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a cat! In a bear suit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:57.88,0:09:00.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is where science goes\Nvery odd, because, erm,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:00.76,0:09:04.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,it was designated a carnivore,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:04.32,0:09:06.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,although everybody knows\Nthat it doesn't- Doesn't eat meat.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:06.44,0:09:09.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,So most living pandas are actually\Nvegetarian by choice.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:09.88,0:09:11.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes.\NThey should be eating meat.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:12.24,0:09:13.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They eat bamboo, as we know.\NBamboo shoots.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:14.08,0:09:16.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And they have to do that\Nfor 12 hours a day,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:16.60,0:09:19.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,because it's so lacking\Nin any nutritive quality.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:19.60,0:09:21.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They said, therefore, that they're\Nthe only bears that don't hibernate.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:22.00,0:09:24.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Because they can't afford it,\Nsort of, calorifically.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:24.64,0:09:27.20,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Why are they so cute?\NThey are cute, aren't they?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:27.40,0:09:28.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They're absolutely adorable.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:28.96,0:09:31.28,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, aesthetically, what's\Ngoing on there that makes it so-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:31.60,0:09:34.16,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Look at the eyes. They're just\Npissholes in the snow, aren't they?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:34.36,0:09:35.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They certainly are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:35.92,0:09:38.96,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Have they ever been sort of\Nsuccessfully bred with other bears?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:39.28,0:09:42.36,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Why are they so un-libidinous?\NWell, I don't know.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:42.64,0:09:44.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you want to know\Nabout their penises?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:44.68,0:09:46.92,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Are they those barbed ones\Nthat lock in... Bifurcated?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:47.20,0:09:48.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No.\N..and don't come out again?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:48.64,0:09:50.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No. They point backwards.\NInto themselves?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:50.44,0:09:53.00,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They're ejaculating up\Ninto themselves?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:53.24,0:09:55.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It may be-\N"Ohh! Sorry, love!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:56.72,0:10:00.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Hence the old joke about\N"eat, shoots, and leaves". Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:00.64,0:10:03.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know whether that is\Nthe reason for them-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:04.24,0:10:06.20,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Ingrowing genitals.\NThat won't help breeding.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:06.52,0:10:08.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. It won't help with breeding.\NThat's obviously it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:08.44,0:10:10.76,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Surely, that must be\Nsuch a turn-off.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:11.08,0:10:13.44,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"Do you fancy...?"\N"No, not really, no."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:13.72,0:10:17.28,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't really fancy it at all.\NIn my species."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:17.56,0:10:19.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What can you tell me about bamboo?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:19.40,0:10:21.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,MAN SAYS AHOY!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:21.64,0:10:23.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Hullo!\NHang on!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:23.80,0:10:25.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You've attracted someone else\Nfrom the dark side!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:25.84,0:10:27.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know, in Hong Kong,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:27.88,0:10:30.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and probably elsewhere\Nin Southeast Asia,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:30.40,0:10:31.68,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,they use bamboo as scaffolding.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:31.96,0:10:33.20,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,That's right.\NYou're quite right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:33.48,0:10:36.36,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's incredibly lightweight,\Nbut it's extraordinary strong.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:36.64,0:10:38.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And they use it over vast buildings.\NYou're right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:38.44,0:10:40.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It has a tensile strength\Ngreater than steel.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:40.36,0:10:43.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, over 5,000 uses of bamboo\Nhave been recorded,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:43.48,0:10:45.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,including desalination uses,\Ndiesel fuel-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:46.00,0:10:47.64,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Tarzan uses it\Nfor swimming away from people.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:47.88,0:10:49.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Exactly right. Yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:49.60,0:10:50.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Breathing underwater.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:51.28,0:10:53.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,As a cane, to give people\Na damn good thrashing!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:53.76,0:10:55.68,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Have you been bamboo-caned?\NCertainly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:55.96,0:10:57.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,At prep school,\NI was caned almost daily.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:57.84,0:10:59.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Two uses of bamboo.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:59.84,0:11:01.52,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That was just by yourself!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:01.72,0:11:03.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Never did me any harm!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:04.88,0:11:07.80,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Are we going through all 5,000 uses?\NNo, we're not.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:08.04,0:11:10.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It grows incredibly fast.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:10.72,0:11:13.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Some species grow up\Nto four foot a day.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:13.84,0:11:15.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You can actually watch it grow.\NQuite astonishing.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:15.72,0:11:17.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It was used as a torture\Nby the Japanese.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:17.48,0:11:18.68,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Four foot a day?\NYes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:19.00,0:11:21.32,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,A torture in the sense that they\Nwould make someone sit on it
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:21.56,0:11:23.28,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,while it was growing?\NIt would be a torture, yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:23.56,0:11:26.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They'd tie you down over a bamboo\Ncane and it would grow into you.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:26.40,0:11:28.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Imagine how horrible.\NBut what is bamboo? What sort of-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:28.48,0:11:29.84,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a plant.\NWhat sort of plant?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:30.16,0:11:32.16,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is used for growing\Nrunner beans, feeding pandas...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:32.40,0:11:33.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What class of plant?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:33.92,0:11:35.12,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Tree.\NTree, bark.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:35.44,0:11:37.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, it's a grass.\NWood, grass. A type of a grass.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:37.60,0:11:40.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It is a type of a grass. Well done.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:40.68,0:11:42.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They flower. Well done!\NSome of them flower, only...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:42.52,0:11:44.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..it takes them 120 years.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:44.92,0:11:47.00,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Bill used to have a cactus.\NYep.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:47.32,0:11:50.72,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,A huge cactus thing\Nthat was all knobbly. Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:51.04,0:11:52.52,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And it flowered, how often?\NOnce every 25 years?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:52.72,0:11:54.00,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Once every 25 years.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:54.36,0:11:56.24,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And he only had it two weeks\Nand it flowered! Yep.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:56.56,0:11:59.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, you are a blessed man.\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:59.68,0:12:00.96,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I know.\NI remember.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:01.24,0:12:03.20,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,We took it,\Nwe didn't take it off an old couple,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:03.40,0:12:05.00,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,we bought it off an old couple.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:05.32,0:12:07.32,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You left them lying in the passage,\Ndidn't you?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:07.60,0:12:08.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You swine!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:09.04,0:12:12.56,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,"Quick! Get away!\NThey're coming around! Quick!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:12.88,0:12:15.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"You bastards!\NIt's gonna flower any minute!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:15.40,0:12:18.00,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,"It's gonna flower!"\N"We've waited 23 years!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:18.28,0:12:20.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:20.32,0:12:21.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And speaking of bamboo,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:22.00,0:12:25.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,how many Edisons does it take\Nto change a light bulb?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:25.64,0:12:28.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,HORN HONKS ALARMINGLY
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:28.52,0:12:29.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, Jo?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:31.84,0:12:33.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you. Very good.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:33.64,0:12:35.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Great joy.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:36.24,0:12:37.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Erm, well, the answer's\Nvery peculiar -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:37.96,0:12:41.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,he had a belief that in the human\Nmind, there were little people.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:41.44,0:12:43.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,15 to 20.\NOh, for God's sake!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:43.72,0:12:45.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He really believed that.\NHe did not.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:45.36,0:12:47.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And he believed when you died,\Nthey move into someone else.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:48.16,0:12:50.48,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,When you were a psychiatric nurse,\Nif someone came to you and said,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:50.68,0:12:53.04,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"I believe there are little people\Nliving in me," what would you do?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:53.28,0:12:55.16,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Punch them to the ground!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:56.76,0:12:59.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Very good. What a loss\Nto the profession you are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:01.56,0:13:03.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Edison did use bamboo as a filament.\NDid he?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:04.24,0:13:05.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In his light bulb.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:07.00,0:13:09.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Very good.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:09.64,0:13:12.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Very good.\NMiddle-earth tabloids.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:12.40,0:13:16.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So, Edison believed there were little\Npeople in the part of the brain
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:16.24,0:13:18.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,called the "convolutions of Broca",
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:18.28,0:13:21.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,where memory, amongst other things,\Nwas housed.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:21.40,0:13:24.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And he believed that this is\Nwhere 15 tiny little people were.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:24.48,0:13:25.68,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sorry -\Nthe 15, 20 little people,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:25.96,0:13:27.44,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,did they have 15 tiny little people\Nin them?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:27.76,0:13:29.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a good question. I don't think\NEdison ever got that far.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:30.04,0:13:31.32,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,And so on and so forth?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:31.60,0:13:34.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Edison, you know, was reckoned\Nto be one of the great inventors.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:34.48,0:13:38.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There are 1,093 patents\Nfiled to his name.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:38.76,0:13:40.28,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Really?\NWhat did he invent?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:40.56,0:13:42.84,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm so ashamed - I don't know\Nanything he invented.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:43.12,0:13:44.48,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought the light bulb.\NNo.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:44.80,0:13:46.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That was-\NIt gives off more heat than light.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:47.16,0:13:50.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,a long-forgotten German\Ncalled Walter Globel.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:50.92,0:13:53.12,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Does Alan not get a point for that?\NFor what?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:53.40,0:13:55.28,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause that was interesting.\NIt gives off more heat than light?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:55.60,0:13:57.68,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,That was a guess though, wasn't it?\NIt was not a guess!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:58.00,0:13:59.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,COCKNEY MALE VOICE:\N"HELLO, SAILOR"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:59.92,0:14:01.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:02.92,0:14:06.32,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I learned that in physics.\NWhat, "Hello, sailor"?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:08.20,0:14:10.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, the point about Edison,\Nwhich is quite interesting,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:10.02,0:14:11.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,is that he was like-\NTypewriter!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:12.14,0:14:13.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He developed the typewriter.\NPhonograph!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:14.18,0:14:15.82,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He developed the typewriter!\NThe phonograph is, again...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:16.10,0:14:17.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..he is credited\Nwith inventing the phonograph.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:18.26,0:14:19.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But one thing, one thing...\NYes?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:20.30,0:14:23.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..Edison did invent,\Nfor 100% genuine Edison invention,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:23.78,0:14:25.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that we use every day, probably,\Nmost of us.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:25.70,0:14:28.42,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it nasal hair clippers?\NNo, it's not even an object.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:28.70,0:14:30.18,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,JO: It's not an object.\NNo.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:30.38,0:14:33.30,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's a way of being - sarcasm.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:33.50,0:14:35.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, he invented sarcasm.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:35.90,0:14:37.34,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, yeah, yeah. Like...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:37.58,0:14:39.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Suuure! Oh, yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:39.38,0:14:40.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Erm, it's actually a word.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:40.94,0:14:43.02,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,A word? Yeah.\NHmm.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:43.26,0:14:44.70,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it "zugzwang"?\NNo.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:44.94,0:14:46.34,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The Germans had that, but very good.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:46.58,0:14:48.38,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Do people use that every day?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:48.62,0:14:50.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You wouldn't use "zugzwang" every day\Nunless you were a chess player.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:51.10,0:14:53.58,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I've used it four times today.\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:53.90,0:14:55.30,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, you're fine till Thursday,\Nthen, aren't you?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:57.86,0:14:59.22,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"Crikey."\NEr, "crikey"?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:59.54,0:15:01.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, not "crikey". No.\NIt's...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:01.70,0:15:03.50,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Floccinaucinihilipilification.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:03.74,0:15:05.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He didn't invent that word,\Nbut well done for knowing it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:05.90,0:15:07.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Which means?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:07.46,0:15:09.22,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,The act of assessing something\Nas worthless.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:09.46,0:15:10.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Very correct. Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:11.02,0:15:12.90,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Ooooh!\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:13.10,0:15:16.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The word is, er,\Na simple word of greeting.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:16.58,0:15:18.06,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hello". "Hello"?\NThat's the word.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:18.38,0:15:20.58,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He invented "hello"? I heard\Na different story about that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:20.78,0:15:22.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He invented "hello". H-E-L-L-O.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:22.46,0:15:25.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The word had existed before\Nas "hullo", H-U-L-L-O,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:25.46,0:15:26.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,which never meant a greeting.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:27.14,0:15:28.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It just meant an expression\Nof surprise.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:29.18,0:15:30.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hullo, what have we got here?\NHullo, what's this?"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:31.18,0:15:32.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We still use it in that sense.\NDo we?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:33.02,0:15:35.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hullo, what's that?"\NDon't we, Bill?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:35.42,0:15:36.58,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes!\NALAN: "Hullo!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:36.86,0:15:39.82,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,When we live our life\Nlike a 1950s detective film, yes!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:40.10,0:15:42.66,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,(BABBLES)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:42.98,0:15:46.98,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I often go to my fridge and say,\N"Hullo! We're out of milk!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:47.18,0:15:49.66,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,"I say, mother, where's the milk?"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:49.94,0:15:53.02,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You beast, you beast,\Nyou utter, utter beast!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:53.30,0:15:55.30,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,When they went\Nto Jeffrey Dahmer's house,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:55.58,0:15:58.18,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and they found a human head\Nin the fridge, they went, "Hullo!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:58.46,0:16:00.78,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,It may be just a little camp,\NI think. Oh, is it camp?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:01.06,0:16:03.10,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, hello."\NNo! Not like that!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:03.38,0:16:05.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's...\NI said that was a greeting!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:05.42,0:16:06.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,When people say, "Hello, sailor."\NHello!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:06.90,0:16:08.82,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, no, I think it's a bit\Nof surprise as well.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:09.14,0:16:10.94,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, hullo." Yeah, that's more\Nsurprise than greeting in there.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:11.18,0:16:12.42,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's been appropriated by the gays.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:12.62,0:16:14.02,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, hullo!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:14.30,0:16:17.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"HI, SAILOR" SEXILY\NThere you are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:17.90,0:16:20.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Originally, it was the word "halloo".\NHullo!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:20.82,0:16:22.90,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,(LAUGHS)\NOriginally... All right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:23.18,0:16:25.02,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Very good. There was a story\Nabout "hello", though.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:25.34,0:16:27.58,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There was a competition in The\NEvening Standard, and they said,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:27.86,0:16:29.78,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"We wanna find out what's the thing\Nthat you're gonna say
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:30.10,0:16:31.66,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,when you answer the phone."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:31.94,0:16:33.46,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,And they had a competition,\Npeople voted on it,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:33.70,0:16:34.94,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,and "hello" came out number one.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:35.18,0:16:37.30,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,And what came second was "ahoy hoy".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:37.58,0:16:39.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's-\NWhich, if you watch The Simpsons,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:39.98,0:16:41.50,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,is how Mr Burns answers the phone.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:41.78,0:16:42.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, absolutely.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:43.34,0:16:46.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Actually, that was Alexander\NGraham Bell's favoured method
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:46.70,0:16:48.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,of answering the phone.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:48.34,0:16:49.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ahoy hoy!"\NWhich I still use!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:49.90,0:16:51.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you?\NOh, yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:51.38,0:16:54.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Good for you. Whereas I get mocked\Nfor using "Hullo!" like that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:54.74,0:16:57.10,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Not on the phone!\NNo, that's perfectly acceptable.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:59.58,0:17:01.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's for when people are surprised!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:01.58,0:17:04.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hullo, what's going on here?"\N"Good Lord!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:04.46,0:17:07.18,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Stephen, what was the last thing\Nthat made you go, "Hullo!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:09.02,0:17:10.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a genital wart.\NWas it a genital-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:10.94,0:17:13.74,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew! I knew it would be something\Nto do with genitals!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:14.06,0:17:15.18,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew it!\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:16.34,0:17:19.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, "hello" happened to be one\Nof Edison's favourite words.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:19.86,0:17:22.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,When he first recorded sound,\Nhe shouted "halloo!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:22.58,0:17:24.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,which is actually a cry\Nfrom the hunting fields.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:24.70,0:17:25.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"View halloo."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:26.30,0:17:27.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So "halloo"\Nwas the first recorded word.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:27.82,0:17:30.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And he reckoned, Edison,\Nthat it sounded very clear.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:30.78,0:17:33.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He discovered this while testing\NAlexander Graham Bell's prototype.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:34.10,0:17:36.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So the first written use of "hello",\Nspelt with an E,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:36.82,0:17:40.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,is in a letter from Edison in 1887,\Nactually,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:40.82,0:17:43.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and Alexander Graham Bell\Npreferred "ahoy hoy".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:43.70,0:17:46.70,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,In our house, if you ring my dad,\Nhe answers it like that, "What?"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:46.98,0:17:48.94,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER\NVery good!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:49.14,0:17:50.42,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yes?" Like that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:50.70,0:17:52.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Actually, of course, a telephone\Nis a fantastically rude thing.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:52.94,0:17:54.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, it's like going,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:54.46,0:17:56.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Speak to me now, speak to me now,\Nspeak to me now!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:56.90,0:17:59.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,if you went into someone's office\Nand banged on their desk and said,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:59.54,0:18:01.34,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"I will make a noise\Nuntil you speak to me,"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:01.62,0:18:03.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,it would be considered\Nunbelievably rude.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:03.50,0:18:06.42,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, and, that's what they had\Nbefore the telephone, wasn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:06.74,0:18:08.06,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,The...\NSpeak to me now!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:08.30,0:18:09.66,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Talk to me now!\NSpeak to me now!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:09.86,0:18:11.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. Exactly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:11.50,0:18:14.06,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, it goes,\N"Call waiting! Call waiting!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:16.34,0:18:17.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Exactly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:17.98,0:18:19.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh. So, there we are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:19.58,0:18:21.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Edison's really useful invention -\Nthe word "hello".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:21.74,0:18:22.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, how do you know-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:23.18,0:18:24.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like, I dunno.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:24.98,0:18:26.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like occupational therapy\Nin an old people's home.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:27.02,0:18:28.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Extraordinary.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:29.18,0:18:30.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Now. Oh, hullo.\NWhat have we got here?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:30.98,0:18:35.70,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,"Put Smarties tubes on cats legs\Nmake them walk like a robot".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:35.98,0:18:38.38,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Brilliant!\NAPPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:41.90,0:18:43.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That is absolutely wonderful.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:45.74,0:18:47.82,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He's used all his letters!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:48.10,0:18:50.98,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That is unbe-f(BLEEP)-lievable.\NYeah, that is.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:51.26,0:18:53.10,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It makes sense.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:53.34,0:18:55.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You're saying-\NIt doesn't make a lot of sense.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:56.06,0:18:57.46,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They would walk like a robot.\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:57.74,0:18:59.98,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's an idea,\Nit's like giving people an idea.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:00.14,0:19:01.62,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,It's fantastic.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:01.94,0:19:04.02,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know if you saw,\NI was on Countdown last week.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:04.34,0:19:05.50,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,It puts this completely to shame.\NWhat?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:05.74,0:19:07.02,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,"Gay elf romp"!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:09.50,0:19:11.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:11.82,0:19:14.98,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But I can't even imagine\Nhow you managed to do that!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:15.22,0:19:17.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, I'm sure you can't, Alan.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:17.50,0:19:19.26,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd like to try that!\NIt does work, actually.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:19.58,0:19:21.66,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a lovely way\Nto spend an afternoon. Yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:21.98,0:19:24.58,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,If you make them go down the stairs,\Nit's especially good.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:27.94,0:19:30.82,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It would make a very good splint\Nfor a broken cat's leg, wouldn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:31.10,0:19:33.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,A tube of Smarties. Sometimes,\Nit's how they break their legs.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:33.26,0:19:34.54,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,You just leave it on.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:34.82,0:19:37.14,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hullo, the cat's broken its leg!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:41.70,0:19:45.78,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,"I say! Mother, do we have\Nany empty Smarties tubes?"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:47.86,0:19:49.94,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What's with the biro in your mouth,\Nthough? (LAUGHS)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:50.30,0:19:52.42,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He's given up smoking, the bloke.\NHe needs a substitute.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:52.70,0:19:55.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,One of my proudest facts\Nis that I am, possibly,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:55.58,0:19:58.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,the last ever\NPipe Smoker of the Year.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:58.30,0:19:59.58,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,That's right. I saw, actually...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:59.90,0:20:01.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause new government rules\Nhave meant it unlikely
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:01.54,0:20:02.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that there ought to be another one.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:03.02,0:20:05.14,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw a very interesting article,\NI believe you were in it,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:05.42,0:20:06.70,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,in The Chap magazine.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:06.98,0:20:08.62,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,And you were talking\Nabout pipe-smokers
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:08.82,0:20:10.34,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,and the fact that, actually,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:10.58,0:20:13.14,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,the act of having a pipe does\Nbestow a certain trustworthiness.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:13.34,0:20:14.62,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Out of two builders,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:14.90,0:20:16.86,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,you would choose the builder\Nwho's smoking a pipe. Yeah, somehow.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:17.06,0:20:19.34,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause they'd look more...\NThere's a kind of classy, edgy-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:19.58,0:20:21.58,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,(MUMBLES)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:25.62,0:20:27.06,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,(MUMBLES)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:27.06,0:20:28.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Absolutely right! Brilliant.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:30.26,0:20:32.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You've brought it alive\Nin a little tableau. Thank you.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:32.98,0:20:34.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Wonderful.\NPleasure.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:34.50,0:20:36.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, our weekly report\Nfrom the frontiers of knowledge,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:36.42,0:20:39.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,the round that those who ought to\Nknow better call General Ignorance.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:39.90,0:20:42.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So, fingers on buzzers.\NName a dinosaur beginning with B.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:42.70,0:20:44.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,SEXY WOMAN SAYS, "AHOY!"\NAlan.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:44.94,0:20:47.06,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Brontosaurus!\NOh, Alany, Alany, Alany!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:47.34,0:20:48.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,KLAXONS
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:48.90,0:20:51.02,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Brontosaurus.\NIs a dinosaur!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:51.30,0:20:52.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, it isn't.\NWas a dinosaur!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:52.74,0:20:54.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It never was. It never was.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:54.90,0:20:56.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,A misnomer.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:56.46,0:20:58.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There has never been a category\Nof dinosaur called "brontosaurus".
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:58.86,0:21:00.22,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, where does brontosaurus\Ncome from, then?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:00.54,0:21:03.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, it's a complicated story,\NI'll try and take you through it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:03.54,0:21:07.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There was a skeleton who was once\Nlabelled with the name brontosaurus,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:07.86,0:21:10.82,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,but it turns out to have been\Na misidentified apatosaurus.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:11.10,0:21:12.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The mistake arose in part\Nbecause the apatosaurus body
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:13.26,0:21:15.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,was mixed up with the skull\Nof a camarasaurus.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:16.26,0:21:18.58,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you mean they just got\Na load of bones in a crate...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:18.90,0:21:21.94,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. But it was the apatosaurus\Nthat had been named first.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:22.26,0:21:24.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Tiberius can look mad".\NVery good.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:24.90,0:21:27.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,HORN HONKS ALARMINGLY\NOh, hullo.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:27.86,0:21:30.66,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,A pterodactyl.\NThat...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:30.90,0:21:32.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,A "bpterodactyl"!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:32.70,0:21:34.66,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,ALAN: A btyrannosaurus rex!\NI've got one here.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:34.94,0:21:36.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the property-\NThat's a brontosaurus!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:36.42,0:21:37.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No.\NThat's a brachiosaurus!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:37.94,0:21:40.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a brachiosaurus.\NFive points for you, young master.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:40.30,0:21:42.14,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.\NYou brought your toys in to class.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:42.42,0:21:43.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It actually belongs\Nto young Luke Fletcher,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:44.22,0:21:46.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,who is the son of one\Nof our researchers and scriptwriters.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:46.38,0:21:47.62,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Isn't, er-\NLittle Lukey Fletcher's.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:47.82,0:21:49.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We thank him very much\Nfor lending it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:49.50,0:21:50.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, Luke.\NIsn't Barney a dinosaur?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:50.98,0:21:52.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Barney! Very good.\NI'll give you two points for Barney.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:52.98,0:21:55.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Very good, indeed.\NAPPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:55.62,0:21:59.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Barney - the purple dinosaur\Non the play mat.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:59.82,0:22:03.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You could have had barosaurus,\Nbarapasaurus,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:03.42,0:22:04.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,bagaceratops, obviously.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:04.98,0:22:06.86,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,We didn't want to go\Nfor the obvious ones, did we?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:07.14,0:22:08.38,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Becklespinax!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:08.58,0:22:10.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Becklespinax, byronosaurus,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:10.38,0:22:13.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and my personal favourite,\Nwhich is bambiraptor.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:13.50,0:22:15.38,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Aww.\NBambiraptor.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:15.66,0:22:18.62,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,A savage baby deer.\NYes. It's a sweet idea.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:18.90,0:22:21.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,All right, fingers, again,\Non your mushroomoids. All right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:22.14,0:22:24.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,How long can a chicken live\Nwithout its head?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:25.14,0:22:27.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,SEVERAL BUZZERS BEEP\NAlan?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:27.42,0:22:29.78,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Er, 15 to 30 seconds.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:30.06,0:22:32.78,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,(LAUGHS)\NNo.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:33.06,0:22:34.94,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Does it have private medical cover?\NHORN HONKS ALARMINGLY
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:35.22,0:22:37.94,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,As long as it takes it\Nto cross the road.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:40.18,0:22:41.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The answer is surprising.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:41.94,0:22:44.18,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I know how long it takes\Na live chicken to become
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:44.38,0:22:46.34,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,A Pret A Manger sandwich.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:46.62,0:22:48.02,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know that?\NNo, tell.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:48.30,0:22:50.26,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,55 minutes.\NGood Lord.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:50.46,0:22:52.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's fresh. Really.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:52.82,0:22:55.34,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That is fresh.\NThat's a fresh sandwich. That is.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:55.62,0:22:57.14,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't you mean "Hullo!"?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:58.86,0:23:00.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Not always.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:00.54,0:23:02.26,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They run around for up\Nto half an hour afterwards.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:02.54,0:23:03.82,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, you'll be amazed.\N48 hours.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:04.10,0:23:05.82,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it about a week or two?\NNo. Much longer.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:06.10,0:23:08.06,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Seven years.\NTwo years.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:08.38,0:23:09.62,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Two years?!\NTwo years.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:09.90,0:23:11.94,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,JO: Two years?!\NALAN: Oh, please, Fry.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:12.18,0:23:13.46,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,No!\NIt's famous.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:13.74,0:23:16.02,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I give you Mike the Headless Chicken,\Nfrom the town- Where is he?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:16.26,0:23:17.78,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Mike?\NThe town of Fruita.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:17.98,0:23:20.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The town of Fruita, in Colorado.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:20.94,0:23:23.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He was on Time Magazine,\NLife Magazine, he travelled America.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:23.42,0:23:24.82,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Was he a really big, like,\Nsix-foot chicken,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:25.10,0:23:27.90,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,that looked a bit like a bloke,\Nyou know?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:28.14,0:23:30.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No. His head was chopped off
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:30.98,0:23:33.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,but enough jugular vein and brain\Nstem remained for him to stay alive,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:33.94,0:23:35.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and he trotted around.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:35.46,0:23:39.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There is still a website called\Nwww.miketheheadlesschicken.org.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:39.78,0:23:42.10,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, wait a second!\NI promise you. Check it out.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:42.38,0:23:44.54,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm just gonna check that out.\NHave a look. Do.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:44.70,0:23:47.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He was fed with an eye-dropper.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:47.42,0:23:49.42,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Why didn't they just cook him?\NWell...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:49.62,0:23:52.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..he lived a happy and famous life!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:52.50,0:23:55.06,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Where Colonel Sanders was after him\Nall that time.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:55.38,0:23:56.58,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,You know what?\NYeah?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:56.82,0:23:59.90,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,In "Mike the Headless Chicken",\Nthe very first thing
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:00.18,0:24:03.98,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,to come up in the search engine\Nis miketheheadlesschicken.org,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:04.26,0:24:06.34,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's "Mike the Headless Chicken\Nfor President!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:06.62,0:24:08.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There you are!\NAPPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:08.50,0:24:10.02,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He is a cult.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:10.26,0:24:11.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a song.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:11.98,0:24:13.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a Mike the Headless\NChicken song.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:13.86,0:24:15.34,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"Mike the Headless Chicken..."\N"Lived by the sea!"
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:15.54,0:24:16.82,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"A Legend of the West
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:17.06,0:24:19.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No farmer's axe could stop his heart
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:19.98,0:24:22.10,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,A beating in his breast."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:22.38,0:24:24.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Fingers on buzzers.\NWho discovered penicillin?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:24.78,0:24:27.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,ALL BUZZERS BEEP\NFleming.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:27.54,0:24:29.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!\NObviously.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:29.82,0:24:32.38,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He did! No, he didn't.\NKLAXONS
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:32.66,0:24:33.94,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He did!\NNo, he didn't!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:34.22,0:24:37.42,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He did on mouldy bread, which you\Nrub in your cuts in the outback.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:37.62,0:24:38.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No. Alexander Fleming-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:39.18,0:24:40.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,HORN HONKS ALARMINGLY\NYes?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:40.86,0:24:43.54,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Was it Bob Fleming\Nfrom The Fast Show?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:43.82,0:24:46.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It wasn't.\NAppropriate, isn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:46.50,0:24:47.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It wasn't Bob Fleming.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:48.06,0:24:49.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Nor was it Ian Fleming.\NAlexander the Great.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:49.86,0:24:51.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Nor was it any other Alexander, no.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:51.78,0:24:54.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to think\Nof young Arab stableboys
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:55.14,0:24:56.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,rubbing things\Ninto their inner thighs.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:56.94,0:24:58.46,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Mouldy bread!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:58.74,0:25:00.94,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Lumberjacks, when they cut\Ntheir fingers - mouldy bread.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:01.22,0:25:03.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:03.42,0:25:07.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Ernest Duchesne, who was a Frenchmen,\Nwho liked watching Arab stableboys
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:07.50,0:25:08.70,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,rubbing things\Ninto their inner thighs...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:09.06,0:25:11.50,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,But how would we have known that?\NHe noticed that what they rubbed
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:11.70,0:25:13.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,to get rid of saddle-sores
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:13.70,0:25:16.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,was the mould\Non the side of the saddle.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:16.62,0:25:20.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The nomadic Bedouin of Arabia had\Nbeen doing this for a thousand years,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:20.54,0:25:22.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they were observed\Nby Ernest Duchesne,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:22.58,0:25:24.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,who wrote a very lengthy paper\Nabout it,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:24.42,0:25:26.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,submitted it\Nto the Institute Pasteur, in Paris,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:27.18,0:25:28.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,who didn't even acknowledge\Nreceipt of it,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:28.78,0:25:31.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and he died completely uncelebrated.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:32.10,0:25:35.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But it was only in 1949,\Nfive years after Alexander Fleming,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:35.46,0:25:38.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that he was posthumously awarded\Nwith rediscovering it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:38.54,0:25:39.82,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So Alexander Fleming\Ncould only be said really
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:40.14,0:25:42.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,to have re-rediscovered it.\NWhat did he die of? Do you know?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:42.42,0:25:43.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Ironically, he died of TB,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:43.98,0:25:46.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,which would have saved him\Nhad he had penicillin!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:46.82,0:25:49.70,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Ahh. So it's just one\Nof those sad things.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:49.98,0:25:51.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There we are.\NNow, here are some pictures for us,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:52.02,0:25:53.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:53.94,0:25:56.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Er, four famous brain boxes -\Nwhich is the odd one out?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:56.82,0:25:58.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We have, reading left to right -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:58.70,0:26:00.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Arthur Conan Doyle, creator\Nof Sherlock Holmes, of course;
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:00.74,0:26:02.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Niels Bohr,\NNobel Prize-winning physicist;
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:03.06,0:26:05.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Dmitri Shostakovich,\NRussian composer;
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:05.46,0:26:08.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and another Nobel Prize winner,\NAlbert Camus, the novelist.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:08.70,0:26:11.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Who is the odd one out? Yes, Jo?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:11.34,0:26:13.82,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There's only one with glasses on.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:14.10,0:26:15.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,LAUGHTER
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:16.14,0:26:17.90,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Camus is the only one smoking?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:18.18,0:26:19.66,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,No, there's two smoking.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:19.98,0:26:22.66,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Is he the only one that played\Nin goal for Algeria?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:22.98,0:26:24.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Ah, now, you're in the right area.\NNot the only one.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:25.14,0:26:27.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He was the only one who played\Nfor the University of Algiers.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:27.54,0:26:29.06,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Didn't Shostakovich play in goal\Nfor Algeria as well?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:29.26,0:26:30.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, he didn't. Forget Algeria.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:30.90,0:26:32.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They were all first-team...\NSports.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:32.70,0:26:33.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..goalkeepers, three of them were.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:34.26,0:26:36.62,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Ohh. Conan Doyle was the only one\Nwho believed in fairies.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:36.90,0:26:38.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He also played in goal\Nfor Portsmouth.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:38.82,0:26:40.22,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Did he?\NJO: Did he?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:40.50,0:26:41.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, he did!\NBILL: Yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:42.06,0:26:44.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He was a proper goalkeeper.\NAnd his stance was like that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:44.46,0:26:46.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Niels Bohr played in the University\Nof Copenhagen first team.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:47.22,0:26:48.58,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Presumably,\Nwhen the goal went in, he did.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:48.86,0:26:51.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Albert Camus, as you rightly said,\Nwas goalkeeper as well,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:51.42,0:26:53.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,for the University of Algiers\Nnational.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:54.18,0:26:56.06,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Could that just be acknowledged\Nthat I got that?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:56.46,0:26:57.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I will be giving you five points\Nfor raising-
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:58.14,0:26:59.42,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Shostakovich was a centre-forward.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:59.70,0:27:02.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, we wasn't. Banged in 40 a season\Nwith Spartak Moscow.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:02.82,0:27:04.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, he didn't!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:04.34,0:27:05.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He was an official official.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:06.06,0:27:07.22,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,A referee.\NHe was a qualified referee.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:07.50,0:27:09.10,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There he is.\NThere he is.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:09.38,0:27:11.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Imposed upon the body\Nof Pierluigi Collina, I think.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:12.02,0:27:13.66,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He's got tunes going round his head.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:13.98,0:27:15.94,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Who knows a Shostakovich tune?\NBill, I bet you do.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:16.26,0:27:18.50,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I could give you one\Nof his goalkeeping moves.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:18.78,0:27:21.02,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Even though he was a referee.\NOh, yeah, sorry.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:21.22,0:27:22.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:22.98,0:27:25.30,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I apologise.\NThat's all right. Just keep up.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:25.50,0:27:27.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And so, for the final whistle.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:27.46,0:27:30.94,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In...last place...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:32.10,0:27:34.18,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Any reason for that intonation?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:34.38,0:27:36.38,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,With minus 35 -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:36.66,0:27:37.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Alan Davies.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:38.10,0:27:41.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:41.46,0:27:42.70,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:42.98,0:27:45.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In third place, with minus five,\Nit's Bill Bailey.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:47.94,0:27:51.02,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In second place, with eight points,\Nit's Jo Brand.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:51.30,0:27:54.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But thanks to his way\Nwith an anagram,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:54.50,0:27:56.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,in first place, with 15 points,\NJimmy Carr!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:56.82,0:27:58.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, there we are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:59.10,0:28:01.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,JINGLE MUSIC PLAYS
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:04.98,0:28:07.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's it from QI,\Nthis week, at least.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:08.10,0:28:09.38,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,To Bill, Jimmy, Jo, and Alan,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:09.66,0:28:12.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,there's nothing left to say but\Nthe words of the immortal Swedes -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:12.42,0:28:14.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,"The winner takes it all,\Nthe loser standing small."
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:15.18,0:28:16.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Goodnight.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:16.62,0:28:18.82,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:20.58,0:28:23.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Closed Captions by CSI -\NClemence Duprat