QI (2003–…): Season 19, Episode 3 - Shady & Shaky - full transcript

Cheering and applause

good evening and welcome to qi,

where tonight we'll be
pirouetting our parasols

and mixing martinis in our
shady & Shaky show.

Joining me are a shady
lady, Victoria coren Mitchell...

Cheering and applause

..the shadow minister
of mirth, eshaan akbar...

Cheering and applause

..the sheikh of shenanigans,
John barrowman...

Cheering and applause

..and shaking it all
about, it's Alan Davies.



Cheering and applause

right, let's hear their shady,
shaky signature tunes.

Victoria goes...

♪ cos I'm slim shady
yes, I'm the real shady

♪ all you other slim
shadys are just imitating. ♪

Eshaan goes...

♪ the shadow of your smile... ♪

nice! Really nice!

Oh, be careful,
eshaan, you'll pull.

John goes...

♪ I see you, baby
shakin' that ass

♪ shakin' that ass. ♪

Perfect.

He comes to life!
Perfect. And Alan goes...



♪ put your left arm
in your left arm out

♪ in, out, in, out you
shake it all about. ♪

Right.

Name something that was invented
in either shaky town or shady town.

I mean, I'm hoping this is
a shakin' Stevens question.

Oh! Oh.

Because I know a lot
about him. Why? Yeah.

Because I was a big
fan of him as a child,

and you know the stuff you learnt
- well, child - as a teenager. Yeah.

It's inexcusable. Yeah.

It's not inexcusable! Well,
he was, let me tell you,

tomorrow is shakin'
Stevens' 73rd birthday.

No!

And I still would. Because...

Yes.

..Not only is he gorgeous,
but when you're young,

those kind of things go in.

I know his birthday,
favourite colour, indigo,

real name Michael barratt.

Stage name, taken from his old
school friend Steven vanderwalker,

he took the name.

Can I just say, I've no
idea how we got here.

That's what's slightly...
I-I wanted to get

to seismology and geology.

And we...

Is it something to do with,

is shaky town something to do
with, like, an earthquake machine?

It's exactly right. So modern
seismology began in comrie village,

so it's in perthshire. It's your
part of the world, is it not?

Up in Scotland.

Yeah. An earthquake
machine in Scotland?

Yes. It's known as...

In Scottish accent: "Shaky
toon." How was that?

Very good. That was
good. That was brilliant!

"Shaky toon." So an incredible
number of earthquakes,

which you maybe wouldn't
even think of in Scotland.

The late-18th to the mid-19th
century, thousands of earthquakes.

There is a thing called
the highland boundary fault,

and the position of this
town is astride the fault.

And it still records more

and stronger tremors than
anywhere else in britain.

It is officially britain's
shakiest town.

And so they wanted to measure it
and it's the very first purpose-built

seismology station in the world,
known as earthquake house.

It's basically a hut in a
field, if I'm honest with you.

It looks like a
public toilet! I know.

It does! It's so British -
"look what we've made!"

I bet you open the door and you
can see to the core of the earth.

It was instigated by
the comrie pioneers,

basically the local postmaster.

He devised one of the earliest
measures for earthquakes.

So a ten was a quake that
they had in October of 1839,

which was felt over
most of Scotland.

In Scottish accent: That's
when the teapot rattles!

Yeah. So the comrie scale
is different scales of quake.

So number ten,
massive quake in 1839.

And then number one, I
like, is called just sensible.

What? What? Yeah.

Just capable of being sensed.

It's a quiver. Oh.
It's more of a...

Oh. We've all had those.

That's a different kind of
earthquake! That is, yeah.

So incredibly simple mechanism
- you get two wooden beams,

you get one going north and
south and one going east and west,

like that, with wooden
cylinders of various sizes on top.

And it took various sizes of
quake to get the cylinders to fall off.

It's not very complicated.

And then sod's law stepped in,
they built the earthquake house

and that coincided pretty much

with the end of the great
era of earthquakes in comrie.

It's as if the earthquake
had just moved on.

Yeah. "Oh, they've built
something, let's go." Yeah.

But, we now realise that this hut
is of historic significance, and they

have in fact updated it with modern
equipment so sensitive, it picked up

the Tsunami on boxing day 2004
in Indonesia, so that is extraordinary.

Wow. Wow. No way.

Right, so we've shaky
toon, let's go to shady town.

It is, I can tell you, also
in Scotland. Any thoughts?

A place where the
sun never shines?

Yes, darling, it is.
Lochranza on arran.

It is the UK's, possibly
the world's, shadiest town.

It gets fewer annual hours of
sunshine than anywhere else,

because it sits on a sort of
north-facing Glen on a rainy island.

It has no street lights.

I have to say, I've been there,
and it is extremely beautiful.

But it is also the birthplace
of modern geology.

So we've got two places
in Scotland that have done

wonders for the
study of the planet,

and the man is known as
the father of modern geology,

James hutton,
he visited in 1787,

and he discovered, it
was the very first example

of what's called
hutton's unconformity.

And I love this, because I
notice it and don't know what it is,

but it's a junction between
different types of rock formation.

And he developed the idea that
such formations could only have

resulted over unimaginable time,

so the earth could not be
young, as the Bible claimed.

So I think we can just show
you, with some writing on the top.

Can you see how you've got
the ones that are the structures

that are going up, like that?
Yeah. And isn't it incredible?

Anyway, he wrote a line
in a 1788 paper which has,

well, it's echoed through
geological science ever since.

"The result therefore of
our present enquiry is that

"we find no vestige of a
beginning - no prospect of an end."

It's really lovely. Modern
seismology and geology

were invented 60 miles
from each other, in Scotland.

Describe the dark
side of puppeteering.

Well, surely it's
everything that goes on...

Yeah. Underneath.
..Below the desk!

"That's the way to
do it!" I dread to think.

Alan, stop playing with
your puppet under the table.

Yeah. What do all the other
puppets do when you put them down?

Yes, keep the hands up here!

It's a specific kind of
puppetry that we're thinking of.

The dark side of
puppetry. Any thoughts?

Shadows? Shadows.

What about Hank Marvin?
Would you or wouldn't you?

I tell you what, cliff
Richard I definitely would.

Don't say anything - I would.

We're talking about a specific
type of shadow puppetry.

I've got some examples here.

So it's java, Indonesia,
Southeast Asia.

Oh, wow. Oh, right.

It's a 1,000-year-old form of
shadow puppet theatre called

wayang. So they
often tell hindu epics.

The only thing is, the shows
can last eight or more hours, right.

Of course they can.

I mean, have you seen a
bollywood film? They last 16 days.

Yes, exactly that. I mean,

all puppet shows feel like
they've lasted eight or nine hours.

Yes, that's true. The ninth hour
of the punch & Judy epic.

Unfortunately, it is a skill
which is very slightly dying out,

so some of the puppeteers
have taken to performing

star wars themed shows, for
example, to younger audiences.

And they take some Liberty.

So there we've got
Chewbacca and Han Solo.

I am all for that.
You think that's ok?

Love it, still have my
original star wars toys.

I have a whole section of the garage
devoted to star wars memorabilia.

I even have my star wars

pyjama, you know,
pants. Chuckling

and I go to... don't laugh at me!
I go to bed dressed in star wars.

Where else is he going to
keep his lightsaber at night?!

You see? I mean,
I've got nothing.

But, yeah, massive
star wars fan.

I think that's a great idea.
Do you only have the trousers?

No, I have the top too, but
it's, like, I have one that's

Darth Vader pants and
then on the top it says,

"I'm your daddy."

Laughter

That is just so wrong. I've never
watched star wars. Did you want

to confess anything? I'm turning
it into therapy. Well, yeah, maybe.

I don't know. I think not seeing
star wars is a confession in itself.

That's a big confession,
isn't it? That is quite big.

Alan, anything you want to reveal
to the rest of the world? Oh, many.

Actually, I asked you
this once and you told me

you'd pooed on hampstead
Heath or something. Oh, yes.

That's right. And I'm not
falling into this trap again.

Lovely.

Anyway, they are now
using wayang shows, which is

what this puppetry is, to
explain all sorts of things.

They've used it for COVID-19,

they use it for the
destruction of coral reefs.

I mean, all sorts of
kind of educational stuff.

It's quite complex and traditionally
there's just one puppet master,

who's called a dalang,

and they are highly respected,

and it used to be that Indonesian
children wanted to grow up

and be a dalang. Ah.

Usually boys would work the
puppets and girls play the "gender",

which a bit like a glockenspiel.

And the puppets, as you
can see, are really intricate.

And, perversely, considering
they're there to create shadows,

they're very brightly painted.
Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?

Yes. It's just a curiosity.

I've got a very, this is
a move. "Yas queen!

"Yas queen, yas!

"Yas queen, yas,
yas, yas! Yas queen!"

And the puppeteer, it's improv.
They improvise most of the play.

Do they come out and say, "so
can someone give me an object?

Yes. "An object, situation,
then let's have a feeling,

"let's have an emotion."

Unusual occupation. Yeah.

Let's go for that.
"Gynaecologist!"

Yeah.

Can I tell you this, about
when I first took my daughter

to a puppet show? I found
this very, very annoying.

The puppeteer came out
and, you know, had the puppets

and spoke to the audience,
and I wanted to say, "look, fine.

"After the age of
about 30, magnificent,

"break it down, deconstruct it."

She, my child is three,
she thinks it's real.

Just bring it up
behind a hay bale.

It's fine. Let it be
a talking creature.

Yeah. Have you ever worked
with the muppets? I have.

Yeah. Yeah. It's very difficult
not to reference them if you don't.

But Kermit's the weirdest
one, cos it's, like, on his head.

It's on his head. Yeah. And
he's working the hands like that.

I still would. Of course.

Laughter and applause

come on!

Now, what's shady and two
dimensional about this guy?

So, if I give you his
name it may help,

he was the French minister
of finance for just eight months

under Louis xiv and he was
called etienne De silhouette.

Is that why... Silhouette, because
he's thought of as a shadowy figure?

It's why shadow portraits, you
know the portraits where you just get...

Yes... The sort of outline of a
person done in black? Yes. Yeah.

They're known as silhouettes and
it is because his, well, the normal

explanation, his austerity policies,
which eventually got him fired,

caused his name to be associated
with sort of general thriftiness.

And these were cheaper portraits

for people who couldn't
afford to have oil portraits. Oh.

I think they're very beautiful,
but it's not for me to say.

We have an expert with us,

please welcome master silhouettist
Charles burns. There he is.

Applause

Charles, tell me, how did
you learn to be a silhouettist?

How did that happen?

When I left art college, I
worked for a number of years

as a street portrait
artist in covent garden,

and drawing
portraits originally.

And then I started cutting
silhouettes more or less

as a sideline, but they
completely took over my life.

They became very
popular in Europe,

and they came over,
didn't they, from France?

They did, they
became very popular

throughout the 18th
and early 19th centuries.

But they died out, really,
when photography was invented

and all the silhouette
artists went out of business.

Which I think is a great shame.
In fact, studios used to be

equipped sometimes with
a physio... Physionog...

A physiognotrace... physiognotrace.
..Is the word you're looking for.

The physiognotrace
was like an arm,

like a metal bar, which used to be
passed around someone's profile,

and at the other end of the bar
was a little pencil which, on a small

piece of paper, would draw upside
down and in reverse, their profile.

But you don't do
anything as a...?

No, I rely entirely
on a pair of scissors.

A pair of scissors. And a
technique I call "cut and hope".

Ok. I like that!

So, so you're going
to do our silhouettes,

while we're
carrying on chatting.

Yes. So can I get you to
sit and carry on with your...

I shall go and explore your
profile. ..Cutting away. Oh, ok!

Imagine you're on a coin.

While he's cutting away,

I can tell you there was even an
automaton called prosopographus.

So prosopon is Greek for face,

and it was set up in the
1820s on the strand in London

by a silhouette artist
called Charles herve.

And it was a sort of small
robotic figure sitting on a box

with a tablet in one hand
and a stylus on the other.

And it drew an
outline of your face

which could then be
cut into a silhouette.

We have no idea how this,
the automaton worked, although

some visitors reported seeing
"human eyes behind the curtain".

So... we are assuming
there was a human inside.

Have a quick look at this
and tell me what you see here.

Two faces looking at each other.
Two faces looking at each other.

I can see both. All right!
I see two faces or a vase.

Or a vase. What do
you see, Victoria? Um...

Shakin' Stevens...

A sort of goblet or two
people. Yeah. Yeah.

It is in fact known
as rubin's vase.

So, Danish psychologist
Edgar rubin, 1915.

And it's very interesting how
the brain decides what is an object

and what is the background.

So, an object sometimes
has a sharper colour,

there are visual clues.

Maybe it's closer, or it gives
you an emotional response.

If you remove all of those things,
the brain cannot consistently

distinguish the object
from the background. Right.

So, depending on how we look at
it, might think it's a face immediately,

might think it's a vase
immediately. Really?

Yeah. There are two British
artists, Tim noble and sue Webster,

they developed a technique,

and they create silhouettes
from heaps of junk.

They started their work in 1997.

This is one of their pieces
that was at the royal academy.

So that's just junk. Shut up!

It's old wood and rusty tools and
toilet roll and all sorts of things.

And that's them in silhouette.
That is great. That's amazing.

I think it's one of the best
things I have ever seen.

People are so creative. I mean,
as an Asian kid growing up,

imagine if I told my dad,

"dad, I want to do stuff with
rubbish and make silhouettes."

Yeah. He'd be like, "what are
you talking about? Just go on qi."

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Don't even need
to make silhouettes.

Although tonight we can
make rubbish and silhouettes,

because I think Charles
has finished. Darling,

are you going to reveal for
us? I can reveal for you, yes.

Oh, right. So we'll
have Victoria first. Ok.

There she is. There
we are, there you are.

Oh! Wow!

Cute. Ah, clever. Yeah,
amazing. Applause

could you just, just take a
couple of inches off the nose?

Just bring...

Laughter

right, shall we do Alan?

Oh! Oh, wow! Yes. That's great!

Oh, that's very good. Wow,
you look at the little hair detail

at the top, even. That's
amazing. Applause

that's very clever. Uh, eshaan.

As long as I don't look like
romesh in this one. Right.

Laughter

pff! Laughter

I-I look so much older.

But the glasses are so brilliant.
Yeah. Yeah, the glasses are great.

That's so clever. Right,
Johnny, let's try you darling.

Oh! Oh, look at that.
You handsome devil.

So handsome. Yeah, amazing.

That's brilliant.

You're so handsome, even
as a cut-out. Lovely. Wow!

I think those are
brilliant. That's so clever.

You were literally just doing
that with a pair of scissors?

Yes, I have, yes. It's amazing.
A freehand cut with scissors.

Because I can't even cut a
straight line on wrapping paper.

Straight lines are much harder.

I think you're a
secret doctor who.

You've got the coat, you've got
the look. You're a secret doctor.

Yeah. Now, this contains
everything I need. See?!

Charles, it's been such a
pleasure. Thank you for coming in.

Cheering and applause
thank you. Thanks awfully.

Right. What's a McKinley grip?

Ooh. Oh...

So, the whole show
is shade and shake.

A shaky grip? A shaky grip...

Is it? A shaky grip,
yeah. So what do we do?

We shake parts of
our body, we shake...?

The only McKinley that I
know is William McKinley,

the president of
the United States?

Absolutely right, is the McKinley
grip, yeah. He was assassinated.

Yes, he was, yeah. I don't know
if he was a Mason or whatever,

but I know he's a republican.

So there might have
been a secret handshake?

It wasn't a secret,

it was that he was fantastically
good at shaking hands.

There was a tradition
throughout the 19th century

in the United States that if
anybody wanted to, they could turn up

at the white house on new year's
day and shake the president's hand.

And president McKinley was,
he was in office 1897 to 1901,

he was an enthusiastic
hand-shaker, said to have once shaken

5,000 hands in a single
session, but it had to be quick.

So he developed something
called the McKinley grip.

What you do is, you give a beaming
smile, you grab somebody's hand

before they have a chance to take
yours, you give it a swift squeeze.

In your other hand you take hold
of the elbow and push them away.

Ah. Oh, yeah. Ok.

This was the McKinley grip,
just get rid of them, like that.

What a metaphor for all
social interaction! I know.

How hysterical.
"Come here, go away."

But you're quite right, he was
engaged in just such a thing

when he was murdered.
September 6th, 1901,

he was in buffalo, New York,

at the pan-American exposition,
when an anarchist called Leon czolgosz

turned up and he had his right
hand covered with a handkerchief.

And the president thought
he had some injury or other,

but in fact he shot
him point blank.

He died of infection
about eight days later.

Now, here's the thing, we shake
hands, we also shake heads.

I think we've said this
before on this show, Alan.

Some countries, like Bulgaria,
they shake for yes and nod for no.

So we're going to
try a little experiment.

I'm going to ask you a
series of quickfire questions

with yes or no answers, right?

You have to answer immediately,
but whatever answer you give

with your voice, you have to
give the opposite with your head.

Ah... ok. And I'll ping my
pinger if you get it wrong.

Does everybody understand?
Are you pinging your pinger?

No, I'm just asking. Yes,
I do understand. Yes.

Yes. Just I'm trying to catch
you out, that's all. Yes, damn it.

Ok, all right, ready. John,
was the first James Bond film

the one about the doctor?

Yes.

I don't know. That's right.

Is it right? Yes. What was the
name of the doctor? Yes, doctor no.

Laughter and applause

eshaan, do you know
what band featured

the keyboard player
Rick wakeman?

Laughter

no. You don't know?

No. Ok.

But it's... it's...
it's... it's...? It's...

Yes.

The band is called yes.

Yes is the band. But
you didn't know. I... no.

This would be a great
drinking game! It is.

Yeah, very weird. Victoria, do you
know what it means when you nod?

Do I know what it
means when you nod?

Yes, I know what it means.

Or, yes, I know what it
means. Know what it means.

Alan, have you
stopped kicking the dog?

Yes. I never kick the dog! Yeah.

It's quite complicated, isn't
it? It's quite, it's quite weird.

Yes. Nobody knows why the
Bulgarians do it the other way round.

So, there's a folk tale
that they were forced to

change their religion by
invaders, and so they pretended

no meant yes when they were
interrogated about their faith.

It's a bit like crossing your
fingers when you tell a lie.

That's great. I did
a movie in Bulgaria,

and I was diving in the movie,

and that was part of the
reason I also got the movie,

because I was, I'm
a registered diver.

They said I had to
go in this big tank.

And I was given a small
canister with oxygen in it.

I would breathe, put the oxygen
away, then escape from the tank.

But I went down and I said
to the guy, "is it unlocked?"

And he went, "yes."

Like I'm not going down.

And he's like... I'm, "is
it locked?" "Yes, it is."

What was the film, darling?
Oh, you don't want to know.

No, I really want to
see it. Yeah, we do.

It's called shark
attack 3: Megalodon.

Laughter

oh, my.

All I'll say is that it
bought me my first place.

There's an even more, apparently
ambiguous, is the head bobble.

So this is a form of
non-verbal communication.

It's commonly found in
India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka.

So, according to...

Hi, guys!

I'm looking at John.

According to a behaviourist from
tamil nadu, pradeep chakravarthy,

it may have evolved to give a
deliberately ambiguous signal.

So it's sort of you can disagree
with somebody while not saying

anything. Yes, that's the head
bobble. It means, yes, no, maybe.

It means everything, really. Ok.
They do it in Bangladesh as well.

Right. But you're being
noncommittal, is that it?

Yeah, and... just do it
and I'll give you the verbal.

The movement is more from the
chin, actually. Right. So it's just a...

Yas queen. But, this
neck move is very clearly

kind of like a no, isn't it?
You know it's a no. Hm.

Well, I would, in the
gay world we'd disagree.

That's like, "get over here!"

That's pretty good!

That is great. Yas queen.

Yes. No.

Is there any gesture
that isn't that?!

So the head bobble. Yeah, the
head bobble is from the chin, I think.

From the chin. It's really hard.
That's pretty good actually, Alan.

That's a good one.
It's a very relaxed thing.

No. I mean, I
look like I'm trying

to decide which kind of herring

to have for dinner.
That's really, that's...

Right, here's a pretty
shady way to carry on.

What's the best way to
sabotage a sewage system?

♪ Shadow... ♪

♪ of your smile. ♪
It begins with s, I'm going to say.

S? Yes. Shit. Oh, I was
going to say blocking.

Laughter shit! I was not going
to say that, but there you go.

Oh, you're not going to
flash "shit" at me, are you?!

What were you going to say?

It was similar to that, let
me have a drunken kebab.

Right, and that would be
the way forward? Yeah.

In 1944, the us office of
strategic services, that's

the sort of predecessor
organisation to the CIA, produced this.

And it's a simple
sabotage field manual.

Oh. And it's a guide to a
range of different ways where

you can undermine the enemy's...
Their economy, their morale,

their military
offensiveness, and so on.

And it's fantastic in the scope
of stuff in this rather narrow book.

Demolishing Bridges,
how to cause trouble,

quarrels on public
transport, that kind of thing.

So here's how to
sabotage a lavatory.

So, what you do is you
saturate a sponge, ok,

with a thick starch or
sugar solution, right?

You squeeze it
tightly until it is a ball.

You wrap it with string to keep it
in the ball and then you let it dry.

And once it is dry,
you remove the string

and you flush it
down the lavatory.

The sponge will gradually
expand back to its normal size

and it will entirely plug
the sewage system.

Oh. And why would
you want to do that?

Yeah, I was just... If you
want to mess with your enemy,

mess with their
toilets. Oh. Yeah.

So, some of the stuff they suggest,
it's like schoolboy pranks in here.

Yeah. But it's just stuff
that the enemy would go,

"oh, now the toilets are
backed up in the main office!

"It's just annoying."
So let's try.

The lighting
system in a factory,

how would you sabotage the
lighting system in a factory?

Cut a wire? No, it's got to be
more subtle than that, you see. Oh.

So what you do is, you turn the
lights off, unscrew a light bulb,

put a coin into the socket,
put the light bulb back in again.

As soon as somebody turns it
on, the whole system will blow.

Because of the copper. Yeah.

I mean, it's... I'm going to do that
to some of my mates' houses. Don't,

I mean, it's terrible. Electricians
and plumbers back in the day would

have been making an absolute
killing. Yeah, just stick a coin

in it. "Oh, it's a sponge, it's a
coin," and they charge you 600 quid

for the privilege. What about
the petrol tank of a vehicle?

Oh, that's sugar, isn't it?

You can do sugar or you can
urinate in it, if you haven't got sugar.

Oh. Urine?!
Yeah, just wee in it.

I don't know why I'm
giving all this away.

Please don't do
any of these things.

I've heard of them putting,
like, a potato in the exhaust.

Yeah, I've heard of that.

I like this, the one in here that I
think would only work in britain.

"To start an argument on a
train, if you work for the railway,

"issue two tickets for
the same seat." Ah, yes.

That's every day. Yeah. Yes.

And so we descend into the shadowy
realm of shaky misunderstandings

that we call general ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

I'm looking forward
to my summer holiday,

how can I prepare to get a nice,
deep suntan without burning?

Sun lotion? Would
you not, sun cream?

Yes, probably the very
correct answer, my darling, yes.

People used to think that the idea
was to lay down a sort of base tan,

possibly in a tanning
salon or something.

And it's a widespread
thought, but it is entirely wrong.

The only way you can protect
yourself is with suntan lotion.

Or clothes. Clothes, but not, or
you and I would just sit in the shade,

wouldn't we, Alan?
Drinking heavily.

So they wanted to demonstrate
this, so they needed some skin that

had zero exposure to the sun,
so they chose British bottoms.

Yeah. And they were
exposed to simulated sunlight.

They replicate conditions
at the centre of the earth.

I know, exactly. Can I
just say what an awful

representation of the United
States of america that picture is?

Yeah. It's not
pretty, is it? No! No.

Would you or
wouldn't you, Victoria?

I think he looks all right.

Anyway...

Two weeks they spent with
simulated sunlight on naked buttocks,

and the resulting tan gave
them a tiny bit of protection.

Basically it meant you could spend
an extra ten minutes in the sun.

And tanning parlour sun
beds are really as bad

if not worse than
natural sunlight.

Indeed, indoor tanning causes
about 420,000 cases of skin cancer

a year in the us
alone. What?! Yeah.

Now, this is exciting,

we've done a bit of research
on who is in line for the throne,

and we know the correct
answer to this question.

Which of you on this panel is
closest to inheriting the crown?

I look good.

I think we all deserve
a "yas queen."

Yas.

Klaxon, laughter

I love it, I'm a klaxon!

It must be Alan.

Klaxon

well... well, it must be.

Explain how it's not Alan.

Here's the truth of it, it's
none of us. No, it can't be

none of us, you said, "who's
the closest?" Yeah, closest.

We could all be far away,
but somebody must... no. No?

Nobody. No. Most
people think that

we're all somehow
in line to the throne

eventually, even if you're number
52 million and 14 or whatever.

Yeah. In fact, the list of
succession is extremely limited.

You have to be a
direct descendent

of Princess Sophia,
electress of Hanover,

who was born in
the hague in 1630.

Oh, great-granny Sophia?!

That's where the
family hair began.

It could be as well!

This was painted just a week
after she shat on hampstead Heath.

Do you not think it's weird
that she looks surprised

to be having her portrait
done?! She's going, "oh, really?!"

I like the look of her.
She is rather fine.

She was the
granddaughter of James I,

so she was chosen as heir to
the throne to ensure a protestant

lineage in the event that William
or queen Anne died without issue.

And it was to block the
old pretender, James Stuart,

who was a catholic.

Unfortunately, she died two months
before she was due to take over,

so we got her son, George I.

And it's a shame because
she was extraordinary.

She spoke five languages,
she was educated in theology,

history, mathematics, law.

She was buried in the
berggarten mausoleum in Hanover

and ironically,

considering that all British royalty
is descended from her, that was

almost completely destroyed by
allied bombers during world war ii.

Wow. Which brings
us to the scores.

Looking distinctly
shaky in last place,

with minus seven,

it's Alan.

Thank you. Thank you.
Cheering and applause

third place, with minus
three, Victoria. Hooray!

Cheering and applause

second, with one point, John.

Cheering and applause
yas queen, yas queen!

Yas queen, yas, yas, yas queen.

But overshadowing everybody is
tonight's winner, with five points,

eshaan! Cheering and applause

no!

My thanks to Victoria,
eshaan, John and Alan.

I leave you with
this shadowy sign-off

from Chinese
philosopher lin yutang.

"When small men begin
to cast big shadows,

"it means that the
sun is about to set."

Goodnight.

Cheering and applause