QI (2003–…): Season 18, Episode 9 - Radioactive - full transcript

Hello, and welcome to QI,

where, tonight, we're discussing
rays, radio and radiation.

Joining me are a panel positively
glowing with talent

from across the comedy spectrum.

An alpha male,

it's Josh Widdicombe.

Hard to beta, it's Shazia Mirza.

Gamma for a laugh,
it's Joe Lycett.

And give us a microwave,

Alan Davies.

And let's hear their buzzers.



Josh goes:

Warning.
Radiation level rising.

Shazia goes:

Alert. Radiation
level critical.

Wow. Joe goes:

Meltdown imminent.
Evacuate the area.

And, of any kind of radioactivity,

the most dreaded sound imaginable,
Alan:

Now, before we start, I happen
to know that one of you

encountered a lot of radioactive
material when you were a child.

Do you know who it was?

Warning!

Yes, Josh.

It was me. It was you.



You are positively... What a star.

Positively glowing.

Er, why is that?

Cos I was bitten
by a radioactive spider.

No, I grew up on Dartmoor
and there was... radon?

Yes. So, we used to have these radon
detectors.

Yeah. I had one in my room that was
like a kind of plastic yellow thing

that would kind of sit on a shelf

and would tell you
if there was radon.

Do you really believe that?

It sounds like some toy your
children...

I'm now starting to question
whether my parents just...

Mucking about.
Yeah, were taking the piss, yeah.

No, but you're right.

Especially the middle of Dartmoor
is the worst place in the country

for radon.
Is that why he's so small?

No, because you know that radiation
causes mutations. Mm.

Yes, the largest source of radiation
the UK public gets

comes in the form of gases,
radon and thoron,

and being in the middle
of Dartmoor,

that's absolutely the worst place.

Now, you two are
the Birmingham team.

You both grew up in Birmingham.

It's actually an island of low
radiation, it's very low risk.

A bit like Essex.
Should we be proud of that?

Yes.

I love Birmingham. I think
Birmingham's fab.

Yeah, I do as well.

I love the canal. I think the
canal's fantastic.

We used to go on canal
holidays. In Birmingham?

To Birmingham. God, he is mutating.

You live in the most beautiful
county in England

and you go to Birmingham on your
holidays.

It was a real refreshing change,
actually, to see people.

But erm...

My dad used to say

the great thing about Birmingham

for a canal holiday is, it's got
more miles of canal than Venice.

That's true. It has.

Which implies he considered Venice.

Josh, do you know why residents
in Devon and Cornwall

are exposed to quite
as much radiation as they are?

No, I don't.

It's the ground rock.
It's largely granite.

Granite. So, the granite contains
small amounts of uranium

that decays, and that produces
radon, and you can be exposed

to as much as seven millisieverts
of radiation per year.

So, that's the same
as having a CT scan.

It's the same as taking
85 transatlantic flights.

It is weirdly the same as eating
70 kilos of what, do you think?

Erm, granite.

It's Brazil nuts.

Oh, I eat so many Brazil nuts.

They contain quite a lot of radium

because they have very deep
roots which can get

right down to the soil
that's high in radium.

What's an unsafe amount
of Brazil nuts?

I mean, I, I think
anything under 70 kilos,

you're probably going to be OK.

Now, how would you sell a house
right next to a nuclear power plant?

How do you sell it?

Yeah, how would you sell it?
Rightmove?

Estate agents?
Yes, go to the estate agent's.

Well, when you take photographs...

Yeah? ..face the other way.

Yeah. OK.

And then try and distract people.

You are exactly right.

Have a look at this. This is 2009.

This was a charming three-bedroom
Kent cottage that was for sale.

The estate agent failed
to mention the view

if you stood behind the house.

Let's just have a look
at the view from...

There we are.

Wow! Oh!

It's 100 yards from
Dungeness nuclear power station,

one of the largest nuclear
power stations in Europe,

and they didn't mention it.

When they were asked about it,

they said, "The thing is,
anywhere on Dungeness

"is close to the power station."

If the nuclear power station
are out,

you have to collect
their deliveries as well.

"Could you hold on to this glowing
box for 12 hours?"

It's a bit hot.

But Alan gets an extra point for
saying you would face the pictures

away from the nuclear power station.

Absolutely right.

Which ray changed the world
of fashion for ever?

Billy Ray Cyrus?

Oh!

Why Billy Ray Cyrus?

Terrible dresser.

Ray Winstone was even worse.

OK.

Can I just say how cute that ray
is? Isn't that the sweetest thing?

I'm not sure if it's cute or deadly.

Yeah. Might be both.

Yeah, it might be both.

Is this what we're going
to evolve into?

Is this like something from
a Doctor Who episode?

This is where we'll be
in a billion years.

Well, obviously...
If you live in that house

next to the power station.

Obviously Josh will mutate first.

Lovely, it's lovely colours.

It is beautiful.

Some of the very first beneficiaries
of X-ray technology

were fashionable women.

So, if you have to imagine,
the mid-19th century

it was very, very fashionable...
Oh, that sort of a ray.

Oh... We'd have been here all
night. X-rays.

I've come here to help.

So, mid-19th century, women wore
heavily boned corsetry,

so sometimes more than
100 whalebones.

It was incredibly popular, but it
obviously restricted movement,

breath and so on.

Not for whales.
They were feeling great.

Yeah, they were...

Oh, I feel so much freer. Freedom!

I can't sit up at dinner,
but I don't care.

Anyway, there was lots of concern
for many years,

but people couldn't prove it
until X-rays came along.

So, there was a French doctor
called Ludovic O'Followell.

Anyway, 1908, he took some
photographs and he wrote

a book called Le Corset,

and it showed women's ribs being
displaced by Victorian corsets.

And partly thanks to him,
fashions changed,

and you get the Edwardian basques

with more straight lacing,
and they end higher up.

And that really helped women because
it was... it was killing them.

It saved lives.
It did save lives. Absolutely.

Anybody know who discovered X-rays?

Oh, is that it was that German man.

It was.
And his middle name's Conrad.

Is that right?
Yes, it was a German man.

Yes, indeed. What an interesting way
to remember people's names.

His name was Wilhelm.

See? Yeah, very complicated.
Not easy to remember.

No. Wilhelm Roentgen.

She doesn't like that at all.
That date was going so well.

"And later on, I shall be
introducing this into our play."

Well, you see, it is interesting,
because his wife needed to be there

because the very first X-ray
that he took was of her hand.

Is that his wife? Yes. What?!

Well, I think it's a poor depiction,
if I'm frank with you. Oh, I see.

In 1895, he discovered
the X-ray almost,

it's one of those things
that was almost sort of by accident.

He took an X-ray of his wife's hand

and you can see the dark shadow
on it.

And that is caused
by her wedding ring.

Oh, I thought it was a drone.

It's an Oreo.
It's an Oreo drone in 1895.

Why is it so irritating when your
children take apart an Oreo

or a Bourbon?

Why do I find myself saying,
"Don't pick it apart.

"Just eat it as it is"?

Every time, I can't...
It's the noise.

I think the problem might be with
you rather than them. I know!

I don't doubt that, but, but why?

Of all the many messes
that they make...

They're children, they're curious.

No, I don't wish to turn
this into therapy,

but I'm going to suggest it's
not about the biscuits.

They go like that...

Just eat it!

All right!

Eat your Oreo. It's good for you.

I've never let them have a Hobnob
because of the potential mess.

Anyway, I need you to imagine that
nobody had ever seen an... An Oreo.

Oh, an X-ray.

Nobody had ever seen
an X-ray before.

This was the very first time
that anybody had seen the bones

inside the human body.

And his wife, Mrs Roentgen, looked
at it and said,

"I have seen my death."

I mean, it was really shocking
to people.

He did get the first-ever
Nobel Prize in physics,

six years later, for it.

And there was a kind of mania.
It was known as a Roentgen mania.

In fact, his name is still used
in Denmark for X-rays.

There were 50 books published
on X-rays in a single year,

there were theatre plays
with X-ray-themed plays.

Newspapers advertised special
X-ray-proof underwear for women.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thomas Edison demonstrated
something called a fluoroscope.

You could put your body parts
in and see your bones on the screen.

Is it very dangerous, though?

Yes, darling,
it is really dangerous.

Incredibly dangerous. When did they
find out it was dangerous?

The next year.

23 cases of severe X-ray injury
reported in scientific journals.

And despite that, they used X-rays
to cure things for decades.

And doctors would prescribe sort
of an X-ray seance for cancer

and tuberculosis, acne, ringworm.

I mean, all sorts of things.

They said it could remove unwanted
body hair -

it did but it also left patients
ulcerated, bedridden and...

Dead. Dead. Some dead, yes.

Yeah, but so smooth.

"She slipped straight into
the coffin."

Now, what's the defining
characteristic of Nazi toothpaste?

Whitening? Frightening, depending
where you put it, very tightening.

You must have got your haemorrhoid
cream mixed up with your Savlon.

No.

No, I've never had haemorrhoid
cream. That must be awful.

I had suspected haemorrhoids.

Congratulations. So, I phoned up
the doctor... And he went, "What?!"

..and I was like, "Can I get
an appointment?

"I think I've got haemorrhoids."

They were like, "Oh, we've got to do
an over-the-phone consultation.

"The doctor'll phone you back." And
she phoned back and she was like,

"Could you describe your symptoms?"
I've never really had, like,

an embarrassing illness down
there before.

So, I described my
symptoms downstairs

and it was... I was quite
embarrassed by it.

As you can see, I'm stumbling here.

Don't worry, no-one will know.

And then I got to the end
and she went, "Um...

"..are you the comedian
Josh Widdicombe?"

Oh! I had somebody ask me that
WHILE I was having a colonoscopy.

What, they asked you
if you were Josh Widdicombe? Yes!

They wanted to know if I was
Josh Widdicombe,

and it turned out there'd been a
misunderstanding with a phone call.

I like that idea, they're
in your colon, they're going,

"That looks like Josh Widdicombe!"

"I'd recognise that anywhere!"

Can I just say to everybody
as a health warning,

you do not need a colonoscopy

if all you've had is beetroot.
I'm just going to put it out there.

So, I had basically the same...
..sort of the same thing.

I had a... What, is this like a
haemorrhoid helpline? Yes!

Have your fibre, that's all
I can say.

I went to a GP - I had
a haemorrhoid -

and I sat down next to this quite
elderly lady,

and she went, "You're that comedian,
aren't you?"

She says, "I keep thinking I see
famous people around here.

"I thought I saw the Pope in B&Q."

And then we were we were chatting
a bit and she sort of said,

"What are you in for?" And I tried
to sort of find a euphemism.

So, I said it... And it was
around Christmas.

I said, "I'm growing
a little cranberry,"

is what I said.

And she was like, "Oh..."

And she went, "How festive."

Right. The question was,
what's the...

..what's the defining
characteristic of Nazi toothpaste?

How did we get on to arseholes with
that?! No idea.

It was your fault.

No. And I'm the only one who
hasn't had them!

- I haven't had them.
- She just had beetroot!

I just had beetroot.

So, what happened - in 1944, there
was a German chemist

in occupied Paris, and he'd
been tracking down stocks

of uranium and thorium
and sending it back to Germany.

And there was enormous fear
that the Nazis were about to develop

their own nuclear weapons.

And so a team of spies, who were
collectively known as Alsos,

were tasked with discovering
what the Nazi's nuclear plans were.

And they worked out eventually that
all of this radioactive material

was being stockpiled by a company
in Germany hoping to gain

a post-war monopoly on
radioactive toothpaste. Oh.

That was the plan. There was a very
popular product called

Doramad Radioactive Toothpaste.

It was advertised as making
your teeth shine

with radioactive brilliance,
which it absolutely would do.

But they wouldn't stay
in your mouth for very long.

So, there was a huge boost
in things

that were thought to be radioactive.

There was something called
the Revigator.

It was a water jug
lined with uranium ore,

and it steadily gave off radon gas
as the uranium decayed.

It claimed to "bring back
that lost element

"of original freshness -
radioactivity."

There were lots of things
for sexually weak men.

Keep talking. Mm.

Your ears have pricked up.

Something called
Magic Radium Massage.

It was to be rubbed into
the sex part...

"..for firmness and strength and a
pink, healthful appearance."

I'm sorry, where do we
get this? Sorry.

Well, the thing about it is,
it would seem to work.

So, if your body is exposed to
radiation, it begins to fight it,

and it gives you a sort of
short-term high

as the blood flows around your body.

So, for a brief moment, it probably
would seem rather marvellous.

The long-term effects,
obviously devastating.

Now to a new kind of radio activity.

What did the man who invented
radio really want to hear?

Well, since it's a man,
probably his own voice.

Do you know, I like men.

Me too, darling!

Anybody know who that is?

Marconi?

It is Guglielmo Marconi,
the inventor of radio.

Well, certainly one of the great
pioneers of radio.

He formulated a theory that sound
never died,

it just got weaker and weaker.

And towards the end of his life,
one of the things he wanted

to discover was the right
apparatus to be able to detect

all sounds ever made.

He hoped one day to invent some kind
of apparatus sensitive enough

to hear Jesus delivering
his Sermon on the Mount.

That's Jesus there, in case
there's any doubt.

"It was THIS big." Yeah.

So, would he be right? Is it
possible to detect sound

from the past? JOE: No.
No. Why not?

Because sound travels forward.

To where? Where's it gone?

To the future?

OK. What did you do
before you were a comedian?

I was a science teacher.

My students have done really well.

They've all graduated from Feltham
Institute for Young Offenders.

So, here's the thing about sound
waves - they're gradually absorbed

by air molecules till
they're no longer audible,

they're just absorbed. But he is
astonishing, Marconi.

He got his first wireless
patent when he was just 22.

He had no formal education
in science. I love this -

he was aided by a series
of tutors and man servants.

I know. I suspect his valet came
up with it.

In fact, his very first
transatlantic message

depended on a device called
a coherer.

It seems to have been based
on an unpatented design

by an Indian physicist called
Jagadish Chandra Bose,

who had been
demonstrating wireless -

there he is - wireless telegraphy
two years before Marconi managed it.

But he's from Bengal and he wasn't
allowed to work in a lab

on the grounds of his race,

so he had to build a makeshift
lab at home.

So, did Marconi steal his idea
by listening into the past

when he first said it?

What I love is the detail that
you've grasped in this entire...

They were both at
the Sermon on the Mount, and...

The very first
transatlantic transmission,

so it was from Cornwall to...

Can you remember
if it was "New-fin-land"?

We did this. New-fin-land
or New-FOUND-land. New-fin-land.

It is New-fin-land,
isn't it? Newfoundland.

The very first
transatlantic transmission,

Cornwall to Newfoundland. People
thought it was impossible.

It's Corn-WAHL. Hmm?

"Wahl."

Why did people think it
was impossible to go...?

Curvature of the Earth?
Curvature of the Earth.

Absolutely, because radio waves
travel in a straight line

and the Earth is curved.

Is it? I thought it was flat.

Wow. What a science teacher
you must have been.

What they didn't know, of course,
was that there's a reflecting layer

in the atmosphere, the ionosphere,
which the radio waves bounce,

they bounce off. That's amazing!

Also, if you said something loud
enough, wouldn't the Earth turn

and then people would all hear
it eventually?

Yes. That's right, because sound
travels forward.

It's a good question.

I remember being in a revolving
restaurant with my cousin...

You just said it's a good question
to your own question! Yeah!

And I'll tell you why.

I was in a revolving restaurant
in Sydney with my cousin,

and she put her handbag down, and it
didn't turn up again for 40 minutes.

You're right. Sound is
just like that.

The thing that will please
you, darling, is that Marconi

didn't know why it was working, so
you are not alone in your ignorance!

He won the Nobel Prize in 1989,
and in his acceptance speech

he freely admitted that with many
of his inventions, he had no idea

exactly how it was working.
And I love that.

So, there's lots of good things
about him. Less good -

he fell in with Italy's fascists.

When he died, the largest wreath was
from Hitler.

So, there are bits about him
that I think are less good.

But over a... half a million people
lined the streets

for his funeral procession, and to
commemorate his death

radio stations in Italy, and indeed
in the UK and the United States

and Canada, all went silent
for a minute.

Is that a way to discredit someone
after they've died?

To get someone really objectionable
to send a massive wreath?

Oh, that's a good... I'm sorry,
I couldn't hear you,

the atmosphere was moving. What?

Come back in a year
and it'll still be here.

Right, moving on...

Where does this man
keep his radio transmitter?

Where's his penis?

Well...

That... Who leaves the house without
their penis?

Weirdly...

..that is part of the answer.

Oh...

All of us that have penises...

..keep our radio transmitters in
them? Careful... You could.

Really? What?! You could, yes.

OK... I picked up Classic FM
earlier!

Who are you shagging?!

So, during the Cold War,
the CIA developed a radio...

..obviously just for the boys.

It was a secret radio
hidden in a fake scrotum.

I know, it's a...

Oh, my God! All right, that is
an overreaction to this story...

No, it's not!

Do you know what's offensive
about that? I had to pose

for eight hours for that...

And they airbrushed you out.
Yeah, airbrushed me out...!

They said it'd be tastefully done.

Looks as though you're not the only
comedian with a detachable scrotum!

That's why you got the job...!
It was the pilots who might...

Pilots who might be captured
and searched, for example.

Obviously, our Action Man
could not, uh...

I don't know, couldn't pull this
off, I was going to say,

but I don't know what the...

Anyway, I am told spies
could slip it over an existing...

Oh, right, so it would go...
..scrotum... over the normal...

Yes. And then... I don't think you

could slip anything
over your scrotum...

Well, apparently, you had to put
it on one testicle at a time.

I'm just telling you...!

What, and then staple it?!

I think it would just... Suction?!

Those nuts look like a swimming hat!

I think it... Yeah, I think...
What... I think you pop...

If it's suction, it's not the
getting it on I'm worried about,

it's the getting it off! Yeah...

It's not a one-size-fits-all.

I... I've run out of information.

What I can tell you is that,
tragically,

although built and tested,

it was never, ever used in the
field.

Well, did it overheat?
That's all I'm worried about.

I mean, it looks like a
kitchen timer.

Like it would eventually go...

It would be awful if you hadn't
turned it off and you suddenly heard

the Archers theme tune come on!

You can see this particular
scrotum...

..should you wish,

in Washington DC's
International Spy Museum.

There is also, and I don't know
what I think about this,

there is a tool kit with ten
different drill bits and saws

and knives and so on, and those all
fit in that canister which can go

up a spy's bottom.

What I don't understand is how
meticulous a spy would you be

because the second one from the
right looks like a letter opener.

I mean...

Well, at least three of them look
like they do the same job.

Don't you think? Yeah...

Now it's time for the X-rated round
that we call General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

What's the busiest man-made
waterway in the world?

Evacuate! Yes, Joe?
Birmingham Canal.

I'm so livid.

I'm guessing it's not going to be
one of the really famous ones...

Which ones? ..like Suez...

Suez... or Panama... Panama...

Not those. No. No?

God, see what I did there? Saved us!
Very good.

Eh? It's not those... It's only
taken you 16 series to learn!

Is it in the UK? Give us a clue,
give us a clue.

- Uh, it's German.
- German...

Er, das Canal?

The Kiel Canal. So it cuts across
the north German...

Oh! I was going to say that!
The Kiel...

..it cuts across the north German
state of Schleswig-Holstein,

part of which, can I just say,
actually should belong to Denmark.

Just going to put it out there!

Anyway... So, in 2018, more than
42,500 ships passed through

the Kiel Canal, as well as about,
I don't know,

20,000 yachts and private
motor boats and so on.

It was originally conceived as a
way, inexplicably, for German ships

to avoid Denmark. I mean... Oh...

The Kiel Canal
is the best way of avoiding Denmark.

Not that you would want to...

Now, if you are pregnant, what is
the best way of inducing labour?

Oh, I know this one... Alert!

Vote. Have a curry?

I've heard that works!

What, the curry thing?
Curry doesn't work. Hm...

Yeah. Beckoning with
an Oreo at the opening.

Wow. Weirdly, all the
studies we looked at,

that wasn't one that came out.
No? I don't know why.

Come on! Come on...

There's lots of myths about how to
get labour started

in pregnant women. Most common ways,
there's walking, sex,

ingesting spicy food
and nipple stimulation.

So sex does not work.

This is not a general statement.
It's...

They did a study of about
1,500 women.

It doesn't work, it makes no
difference.

There are no studies which deduce
that spicy food or even walking

definitely would work. I love the
fact there's studies,

like they've been giving pregnant
women curries,

hotter and hotter curries.
Nothing. Um...

So... So... Take it up to a phall!

Women... Is it coming? No.

Women who say it does work,
it may be something we call

confirmation bias, so, you know
it's supposed to help to have curry

and therefore, you say
that was a factor,

but it's very unlikely to be true.

Castor oil, raspberry leaf tea...

There's all sorts of things... There
was that woman that went into labour

after watching Michael McIntyre.

Was it Mrs McIntyre?

Was she watching him do
stand-up? Yeah, yeah!

Just watching him from his garden.
Yeah, just watching...

The one thing that does seem to
work?

Nipple stimulation.

Ooh...

Oh, it's coming!

So, here's the weird thing -
this is from the study, OK?

Women whose nipples
have been stimulated, so...

..rolled between the fingers for
one to three hours a day...

This scientist needs locking up! Oh!

Who can be bothered to do that?!

..and it has to be one nipple at a
time, are 33% more likely

to go into labour within 72 hours

or kill you, I think.

You look like you're tuning
my penis radio, Alan.

Oh! I've got...
I've got Chris Moyles!

According to the largest study on
the subject, this stimulation also

reduces the risk of heavy
bleeding after delivery by 84%.

So this is the thing. Top tip!

Top tip - nipple stimulation.

Can I just say -

always ask your doctor
before spending three hours

rubbing your nipples.

I always do and he hates
answering the calls!

Is that... Is that the comedian,
Josh Widdicombe?

I'm going to say that every time
I ring the surgery now!

"Hello, it's Josh Widdicombe
here..."

So, the entire audience, OK?

Let's all pretend we're ringing the
doctors. Ready? One, two, three...

Hello, it's Josh Widdicombe
here...

My medical history's going
to be a mess!

"It says he has a problem
with his vagina!"

That's nothing, his scrotum
fell off last time he was here...

Right, it's time for the scores.

Glowing with health
in first place...

Oh, my goodness.
With minus one, it's Josh!

In second place with minus eight,
it's Shazia!

And in third place with minus 17 -
Joe!

I'm happy with that.
Yeah, happy with that.

And having an absolute meltdown -

in last place with minus 25,
it's Alan!

And it's thanks to Shazia and Joe,
Josh and Alan. That's it from us.

I'll leave you with the rallying cry
of the protesters from the campaign

to save Radio 4 long wave in 1993.

As they marched, they shouted,
"What do we want?" "Long wave!"

"When do we want it?" "Now!"

"And what do we say?"

"Please, thank you and goodnight."