QI (2003–…): Season 18, Episode 8 - Reflections - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to QI.

This week, we are looking through
the looking glass

for a show that's all about
Reflections.

On reflection, it's Joe Lycett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Reflecting on what she's done,
Liza Tarbuck.

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Good evening. Thank you.

Reflecting the mood of the nation,
it's Zoe Lyons.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



And next year's Reith Lecturer,
Reflecturer... OK, Alan Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Their buzzers are reflecting
off a rock face.

Joe goes...
ECHOING: Joe. Joe. Joe...

Liza goes...
ECHOING: Liza. Liza. Liza...

Zoe goes...
ECHOING: Zoe. Zoe. Zoe...

And Alan goes...

ECHOING: Alan. What?
Alan. What? What?!

As you can see, we have made this
episode a mirror image

of what you usually see,
which is to say that, Alan,

we have put you on the
opposite side to usual.

- ALAN SINGS THEME TO
- THE TWILIGHT ZONE

I know! How many years
in the other chair? 18.

Does it feel weird?
It does feel weird, yeah. Yeah.



You look a little bit
different from this side.

Is that a good thing, or...?
Yeah, yeah. OK.

No, it's not like, "Oh, my God!"
Yeah, "Argh!"

Right, here is a question.

Why do mirrors flip you side to side
and not upside down?

That's very good, yes.

Yes. Why is it?

Two eyes. Yeah. Two eyes, it must be
because your eyes are level.

OK. Let us imagine that we are
looking at writing on a T-shirt.

OK? Yeah. And you can read it
perfectly well.

And then you look in a mirror,

the writing on the T-shirt
appears to be flipped.

That way. Back to... Yeah.
Like that,

so you can see it as back to front.
Oh. Yeah, why is that?

Why does the mirror do that
and why does it not flip us

upside down as well?

Why does it only
flip as apparently left to right?

Is it not what Alan said about your
eyes being left and right?

I like your eyes are on the side
of your head when you do that.

Yes. Like a fish.

Is your eye seeing actually
what it is? Does your brain...

Does your brain flip it?

Have you had a stroke? Yeah.

When it comes in your eye,
it's already flipped. Right.

And your brain flips it around.

What he said. What he said. Right.

I think everybody is making it
much too complicated.

So, here's what we're going to do.

We're going to try this, and Joe
is going to be my assistant.

Joe, I want you to take a piece
of card that we have got here. Yes.

And write a large clear word
in capital letters on it, please.

Oh, my God, are you going to try
and guess it?

No, I don't want to guess it,
it's not a magical trick.

I'm going to look at it.

Well, what's the point, then?
I want a magic trick!

OK, Liza, could you...?

Just write the word. Write...
Any word? Any word, darling.

What about the word boss,
for example?

Which, you know,
lots of people have a boss, right?

- APPLAUSE
- I think that's... Yes. Boss.

There we are. Nicely done, madam.
OK. Slippy.

Looks like we're off to court.

Right. And can you write the same
word on this piece of glass? OK.

So I am going to go over here
and stand in front of the camera

and the glass,
and you can see, hopefully.

Are the audience able to see this?

Can you see it on the monitors,
everybody? AUDIENCE: Yes.

So you can see that it says, "BOSS."

Now, when I have it,
as it were, on my T-shirt

and I look in the mirror, it is?

"SSOB."

It's flipped round, OK. Yeah. Yeah.

So the question is,
why does it do that?

Well, the mirror hasn't done
anything.

It was me who flipped it round.

There is absolutely nothing
happening in the mirror.

If you look at the card,
I am flipping it around.

The mirror has not done anything.

And in fact, if you bring the glass,
darling,

bring the piece of glass over here.

Have you written the same
word on the piece of glass? Yeah.

OK, so come here, my darling.

Let's put the card behind it.

Let us imagine, there it is, can you
see that perfectly well?

There it says, "BOSS."

But if I don't flip it around now,
because it's written on glass,

when we look in the mirror
it is perfectly fine.

The mirror has not done anything.

It is ME who did the
flipping around.

Thank you, my darling.

The most brilliant magician's
assistant there. Fantastic.

APPLAUSE

So try and imagine if you were a
fish and you had your eyes

on either side of your head,
and the fish...

Have we got a picture of a fish
swimming? There we go.

So a fish swimming alongside
a mirror would see the eye

exactly where it's supposed to be

and the tail exactly where it's
supposed to be.

It would know that the mirror
has done nothing.

The flipping is done by us
and not by the mirror.

I don't think I've ever
questioned that. No.

And then actually,
once you do start thinking about it,

it does slightly do your head in.
So hang on, is Alan over there

because I've done it in my head?
Yes. Yeah.

Everyone's done me
in their head, Joe.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what? I haven't,
but I am now and, whoo!

Is there a mirror?

There is another thing
that is curious about mirrors.

You've got, you should each
have a mirror there. Hm.

If you, and you could try this
when you have a mirror at home.

Hold it quite close
to your face, OK?

Look at one or other of your eyes
in the reflection, just choose one.

If you then transfer
your gaze to the other eye,

you will not see your eyes move,

although somebody watching would see
the movement quite clearly.

Oh, that's so weird.

That is quite strange, isn't it?

It bulged forward as well.
What, your eye?

No, my whole, the whole
part of that part of me face.

I think that's a medical condition.
Yeah.

So, I mean, try it, it's a
very, it's a curious thing.

Aaah! Aaah.

Argh!

ALAN CACKLES

Scream!

HE CACKLES

ALAN LAUGHS AND SCREAMS

Do you know what?

I've suddenly realised,
this is my fifth year hosting

and I expect all trouble
to come from my right

and today it's from my left.

It's a very strange thing.
Here's a question for you.

If I made a box with a mirrored...

You'd be much taller.

If I made a box
with a mirrored interior

and we shone a light into it
and we closed it,

does the light keep
bouncing around forever?

Are you in the box?

Yeah, I'm in the box
with a small torch.

Right. Let's try,
let's work it that way. Yeah.

We'd just, we'd just bang
on the box and go, "Sandi?

"Sandi, can you see a light?"

If I turn the torch on
and then I turn it off again,

will it bounce around forever?
No. No. Why not?

Well, I... I don't know.

And I'd love you to tell me.

It's because no mirror reflects
100% of the light striking it.

So some of it is absorbed
and, eventually,

I mean, actually,
unbelievably quickly,

because it's millions of times
per second, it would be absorbed

by the mirror and it would leave
the interior completely dark.

It's a MIRROR-cle,

miracle...

GROANING

..that we can work out what's
going on in a reflection at all.

What can this fish do
that a baby can't?

Stay underwater?

Yeah, swim underwater
is absolutely true, yes.

There used to be a myth
that babies could do that,

but that is not believed to be true.
No, I learnt that out the hard way.

Yeah.

Three nieces was too many, anyway.

Yeah. Yeah. No, fair enough. Yeah.

Anybody know what
kind of fish this is?

Stripy. Stripy fish. Cleaner fish.

It's a cleaner fish, yes, it is.

It is, it's a cleaner wrasse.

Is it something to do with
reflections,

because that is the topic? Yes.

Well done, Joe,
for paying attention! Can... Oh!

Yes? Can it recognise itself in a
mirror? Because babies can't.

Correct.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're good! Oh, my God!

It's one of the very few animals -
in fact, it's the very first fish

to pass what's called
the mirror test,

to recognise its reflection
of itself. How do you test that?

Well, so what you do is,
you mark the animal in a place

where it can only see
the mark in a mirror.

So, for example,
the forehead would be a good place,

and then see
whether or not it observes it

and whether or not it tries to
scratch it to remove it.

It'll have a job though,
Sandi, won't it?

Trying to scratch
that off with no hands.

Except that cleaning off marks, Zoe,
is what it does for a living.

For a living? Yeah.
They do actually have stations

and the clients, as it were,
come to the station to be cleaned.

They work for about four hours a day

and they clean about 2,000
"clients".

So it does seem like,
when you're looking at them,

as if it's a job, but that's
what they do for a living.

That's it inside the mouth
of a Rankin cod.

Look at that picture!

I think it's so exciting.

There's got to be a lot of trust,
hasn't there? A lot of trust.

Except that all of the fish that
are cleaned end up living longer

and they tend to be smarter, because
they don't have the parasites.

I mean, there is a sort of a caveat
with this,

it's possible that
what the wrasse is actually doing

is signalling to the other wrasse,

in the mirror, if you see what I
mean, that it ought to clean itself.

It actually doesn't see
that it's itself,

it's going to the other wrasse,
"You've got a little something,

"you've just got, you've got
a little something here."

So it may not be aware that
it's a mirror image of itself.

When do babies start to recognise?

About the age of two. Right.

I really think it'd be sooner
than that.

My daughter, she knew the way
to the city farm

when she was one and a half.

Was she trying to get away?
I think she was.

There's actually very few species
that pass the test.

Great apes mostly do,
but not gorillas.

And what I love is that animals do
exactly what humans do.

When they discover a mirror for the
very first time, first of all,

an animal would look behind it to
see if there's an animal behind it.

And then they'll do funny movements,
like we do in the funfair,

to see what it is.

And then they will indulge in the
same behaviour as an office worker

left alone with a photocopier.

They will see parts of their body

they've not been able to
look at before.

I know, yeah.

It's a miracle we don't have more
mirrored seating, really, isn't it?

No, I don't think it is, really.

LAUGHTER

Some people would like
a mirrored chair, you know?

Hm.

You'd get some very odd selfies
then, wouldn't you?

You would, wouldn't you?
How's that for a dick pic?

Could you get a mirrored
internal bowl of a toilet?

Because that would be, that would be
like a funfair mirror

for your undercarriage, wouldn't it?

Because that would have a,
that would have a curve to it.

You could definitely have
a mirrored urinal.

I can't see why
you couldn't have that. Yes.

Because honestly...
Sort of shooting at yourself.

What is wrong with men?!
Why can't...?

APPLAUSE

Well, it just shows a sense of fun.

A sense of fun, darling?

You've actually got an aiming device
that doesn't seem to work!

Oh, no, mine does.

Mine does, because there's a...
in one pub in London that I went to,

there's like a game and it's got
sensors in the urinal,

and I got the top score
on the thing,

and it asks you to put your name in,

but I didn't want to put my name in,
so I put Adrian Chiles.

There's a pub in central London

where Adrian Chiles
has got a real reputation.

Recognising yourself in a mirror is
a sign of exceptional intelligence,

so well done to all our panel
for getting through make-up tonight.

Right, now I'm going to make you
write like Leonardo da Vinci.

How do you think
I am going to do that?

Did he... Teach us Italian.
Did he write reflectively?

He wrote, he wrote what's called
mirror writing.

So we are going to see if we can do
this without thinking about it.

Underneath the table you will
feel a piece of paper.

And you should have a pen.
Take the pen. Yeah.

And I want you to write your names
on the piece of paper

as it is under the desk.

So write your first
name on the piece of paper. Ooh.

This looks so weird.
Have all of you got...?

OK. So, done? OK, let's take them
out and have a look.

Let's start with Zoe.

Let's have a look at yours. Oh.

That's pretty good for me.

OK, but what is the thing about it
that's interesting? Is it's...

It's back to front.

Some of it is.

But some of it isn't.

The O is not. Yeah.

The O is...

LAUGHTER

And how about you, Alan?
Same for you?

Oh, wow! Are you left-handed, Alan?

No. That is...
I'm just a fucking genius!

What have you done? Oh, yes?
I've done mirror.

You've done mirror writing. Yeah.

And what about you, Joe?
Wow, the boys...

I am left-handed, though.
You are left-handed?

Does that affect it?
Yes, I think it does.

The brain is wired slightly
differently. Better?

It's an unusual demand,
so it confuses our brain,

so it's not unusual to do
it as mirror writing.

It's common in children
who are learning to write.

I've gone half and half, then,
does that -

because that one's back to front,
but that one's the right way round.

You're right to be disappointed,
that's shit.

It is a bit shit, isn't it?

Three letters, and one of them's
the same either way! Yeah!

So what's all this got to do with
Leonardo da Vinci?

Well, he wrote his personal
notes in mirror writing

and nobody really knows why.

Possibly for privacy,
that is a possible thing,

maybe just to amuse himself -
but he was left-handed.

And my son is left-handed,
and I asked him

and he said it's possible
he was just more comfortable.

When the pen goes away from the
body, as it does for a right-handed

person when you're writing,
it just feels better.

Well, no, also I found,
when I was at school,

particularly when
you're using a fountain pen,

that you smudge it
as you go over it. Yeah.

So that's... He was smart, wasn't
he, Leonardo da Vinci? Yeah, well.

I think we haven't given him
enough credit, I think.

We have a generally poor memory
for the configuration of objects.

So we're going to do a couple
of quick tests to demonstrate.

So, the audience,
let's start with you.

You've all seen
the Statue of Liberty, I am sure.

You've seen a picture of it,
a thousand times.

I want you to vote

whether the statue holds the torch
in the right or the left hand.

Oh, God!

So, hands up for right.

And hands up for left?

Well, I think left pretty much had
the edge there,

and the answer is
it's in the right hand.

OK, let's try the panel.

So we see fonts all the time now,
that's the thing.

Which of the four lower case Gs
written on the screen is correct?

Number one. Three.

One, three, any more? Four.

One and two, one and two.

Two... Let's have the audience
vote for number one? Hardly anybody.

Number two? Quite a lot.

Number three? Even more.

Number four? Oh, dear.

Well, so none of us
can really remember.

The answer is number two.

Number two is the correct way.
Is it? Yeah.

But these are things we see all
the time,

and we have an inability
to correctly recall

the configuration of things.

Now, which is better, symmetrical
knees or symmetrical nostrils?

Oh. I know - who would have
thought there was a choice?

Which is better?
Yeah, which is better?

I'd say knees.

Why would you say knees?

To have your face exactly the same
on both sides... Is weird.

..would actually be really odd,
wouldn't it? Yeah.

I thought the height of beauty
was having a symmetrical face.

OK, let's have a look at ourselves
with symmetrical faces. Uh-oh.

Oh, no. Oh, God! Here we are.

LAUGHTER

So... Alan! This is...

This is the left side of your faces
replicated.

It's had more impact on your hairdo
than anything. Oh, my good God!

I look terrifying,
I look like a chipmunk.

So that's our left sides.

Let's have a look at our right sides
and see

if we think that's any better. Oh!

That's amazing! Wow! Oh!

Christ, you're straight out of
Star Trek. Yeah.

"I come in peace." Yeah. Yeah.

That is the weirdest thing.

Alan, you don't
look like yourself at all.

Aw, look at Alan, I feel really
sad for him there, I don't know why.

They say that part of the
attraction of a person

is the symmetry of their face,
but I'm not sure... No!

..I'm not sure that that is
entirely true.

Let's go back to knees and nostrils.

So the answer is,
it depends what you want to do.

So knees for a sprinter
and nostrils for a distance runner.

There's a man called Robert Trivers
and lots of his colleagues,

and they looked into Jamaican
athletes in particular,

and they found that symmetrical
knees and ankles

characterise sprinters

and symmetrical nostrils
did the same for distance runners.

Why might that be?

Well, a sprinter, you are up and
down and forward, aren't you? Yeah.

It's an efficiency of movement.
How are you sprinting?

Like that.

Like that.
Like a train, like a train.

You're so symmetrical,
you can go round corners.

This is why I didn't make Team GB.

But you are a runner.
Yeah. I am a runner, but a plodder.

Symmetry is inherently efficient,

so that's very useful for sprinting,

and breathing much more important
the longer distance that you run,

so you're going to need
better nostrils.

Symmetry of feet, apparently,

doesn't seem to matter
to runners at all.

Longer distance runners tend to have
relatively asymmetric feet,

actually. I couldn't work out
whether that's

because they go round on the track
all the time...

But in all of the groups,

the left foot tends to be larger
than the right in runners. Wow.

My left foot's bigger than my right.

Is it? Considerably?

About half a size.

Good to know. Yeah.

Weirdly, it's all on the back
of the foot.

The front of the foot's the same.
What, your heel? Hm.

You've got a big bulging heel,
is that what you're saying?

It goes back about six inches.

I've never noticed that.

I've got the effect of a kind
of a rocking chair. In one foot?

If I wait at a bus stop,
I can be quite alarming on one foot.

Anyway, you might think that
symmetrical knees

are caused by sprinting,

but in fact it can be used as a
predictive measure.

If you look at the relevant symmetry
of a child at the age of eight,

you can predict whether or not
they're going to be a good sprinter.

So it's not the training programme
that has changed their physiology,

it's the fact that they already had
symmetrical knees

that's made them good at sprinting.

Back in the day,

what was the problem with watching
snooker in the mirror?

It was in black and white.

Well, that is,
that is in a way correct.

Do you know, in football
they used to have a rule

that if it was an international
game, you couldn't have teams,

even if they were in red and blue
shirts, one of them had to change,

because in many of the
developing countries

they hadn't yet got
colour television

and they wanted to expand football
around the world,

and if you were
watching in black and white,

you couldn't tell the difference
between one team and another.

Yeah, so television sets
in the early days were monochrome

and so were the earliest mirrors.

The reflections that they gave were
effectively monochrome. What?! Yes.

Because strong, bright colours were
sort of dimly distinguishable,

but subtle colour distinctions
were really difficult.

So a game of snooker watched
in an early mirror

would have been
practically impossible.

Sorry, the mirror... Whoa there!

The mirror made things
black and white?

So the earliest mirrors
are made of volcanic glass.

It's something called obsidian.

Have a look in this, darling,
and you will see.

So you have to imagine,

this was before the invention of
being able to put silver on glass.

Before the invention
of snooker, surely? Well...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm trying to explain that the way
snooker was viewed on television...

On obsidian. ..would have been

a bit like looking
in an early mirror. OK. OK.

So, here you are, this is a piece
of volcanic glass.

It's naturally occurring.

That's a piece of obsidian
glass up there

and you can see some bright colours,
you can see some shapes dimly,

but you are not able to distinguish
subtlety of colour in any way. Hm.

That's the sort of mirror
I want in my house.

That's what you look in before you
go out and go, "I look cracking.

"I look like a shadow." Yeah.

So this is the sort of early stuff
and it's made when...

It's lovely, isn't it?
Beautiful, isn't it?

John Dee, who was the astrologer
to Elizabeth I,

and his assistant Edward Kelley,
used to use one for scrying.

This, in fact, is his piece
of glass that he used for scrying.

Does anybody know what scrying is?

When you look at it
and you're telling the future,

so you'd scry with a crystal ball.
Yeah. Exactly.

Or you'd scry with a goblet
with some water in it,

or something like that. Yeah.
It's a form of divination.

They called it a shew stone.

The process for actually
silvering mirrors

the way that we know them today
was not invented until 1835.

So before then, if you put hot metal
on glass it just basically broke.

And that means that most people,
before mid 19th century,

had very little idea what
they looked like.

What a relief. I know, right?

I mean, that famous picture
of Narcissus looking in the water,

it's very rare that you'd get that
fantastically detailed

picture of yourself. Where did...

Where did she get that outfit from?

Is that a Zara number? Yeah.

Half a Zara number.

That is Echo looking at Narcissus.

She's going, "I've got my boob out,
look at me." Yeah.

"Please, stop looking at yourself."
"No, no, don't want to."

Here's a very...
"It's right out, it's fully out."

Right, how do these scientists know
how far away the moon is?

We measure how long it takes
the light to get to us

using a mirror thing?

Yes, but where's the mirror?

They put a mirror on the moon. Five.

They put five mirrors on the moon.
Did they? Yeah.

Three American, two Russian
were left behind by the various...

There's one.
..various manned Apollo missions,

the unmanned Soviet missions.

The very first one, Neil Armstrong
and Buzz Aldrin,

the first men on the moon
planted it.

That just looks like a bit
of fly-tipping, doesn't it?

Yeah. "I know where you can get
rid of a fridge." Yeah.

"Leave that there, that'll be
gone in the morning." Yeah.

There'll be a mattress further on.

These retro-reflectors, astronomers
used them for 40 years

to precisely measure the distance
between here and the moon.

So what they did was, they fired
laser beams from equipment in Texas

and they timed how long it took to
get there and bounce back again,

and what they worked out is that
the moon is moving away from us

by about 3.8cm per year.

It'll be back.

It's like the children, isn't it?
Yeah.

Yeah, when it sees
what it's like out there,

it'll be back. It'll be back.

It would be more alarming if it was
coming towards us 3.8cm a year.

Yeah, that would be scary.

Eventually it would be there,
wouldn't it?

But the accuracy that you need
from Texas

to hit this mirror with a laser,

it's comparable to using a rifle
to hit a moving penny

two miles away.

It's the equivalent of measuring
the distance

between New York and Los Angeles
to the nearest 0.25mm.

Now for the part of the show which
reflects poorly on everybody,

General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.

What's the best way to pull
the pin out of a grenade?

Joe. Joe?

I know they're going to go,
"Woo-woo!", but I would love,

if I ever throw a grenade,
which I'm hoping I won't have to,

but if I do, I'd love to go like,
click, with my teeth and throw it.

KLAXON

OK, so the classic design is that
you hold the lever like that,

you pull the pin out and that is
going to release the lever,

and then you'd chuck it.

It springs open, it triggers
a time fuse and boom!

If you pull it out with your teeth,

which they do in the movies,
don't they?

Yeah. Because they're busy firing
a gun with the other hand.

They're busy. Yeah.

"God, I'm so busy firing this gun!"
I know.

You'd be terrible in the army,
wouldn't you?

"No, not now, I'm busy."

"I've got such a lot on, actually."
I know.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
all day. Bang, bang, oh, loud.

The pin is bent so that you can't
pull it out accidentally. Oh. Oh.

So, it isn't straight. Ah.

The amount of force that you would
need, which is between...

"Oh, hang on, will you?" Yeah.

It's between 3kg and 5kg, at least.

The amount of force could very
well break your teeth.

Oh. Yeah.

It is a complete misconception that
you could, at any time, do this.

Is that Adrian Chiles?

If a grenade is thrown at you,
what should you do?

Should you try and throw it back?
Yeah. Why?

Because it'll blow up over there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah.

There isn't time.
I'd run, if I was you.

You've got three to five seconds.

Three to five seconds
from lobbing it, or...?

From the moment the person
has thrown it.

Because as I say, I'm not much of a
sprinter, more of a plodder. "Boom!"

Yeah. So you just wonder.

Yeah, from the moment the person
has thrown it, you've got...

Don't throw it back, that's the
thing. Don't throw it back.

That's rude. Leave it. Yeah.
Leave it. Leave it, walk away.

Yeah. That's your last thought.

Quickly. Sandi said don't
throw it back. Yeah.

"I haven't got time for this,
I'm busy, actually."

What happens when you have a bump
on your head

and you wake up with
Foreign Language Syndrome? "Que?"

You don't speak in a foreign
language,

you speak in a foreign accent.
Clever. Is correct. Clever.

Is exactly right. Exactly right.
Ooh!

You could just feel the trap door
opening and closing. Yeah.

Because if you could speak another
language,

then all I'd have done at school
is just bash my head off the desk

and gone, "Oh, bonjour."

"Ca va? Oui, ca va bien, merci."

No, it's just you just
speak in the accent. Yeah.

Why do you do that face when
you're French? I don't know.

I was imagining smoking
a Gauloises cigarette, as well.

That was very odd. "Ca va bien."

Good!

Thank you. Merci beaucoup.

It's just so weird how you
turn into a cartoon!

But you're absolutely right, they
simply have an impairment,

a speech impairment,

and the notion that they speak
a foreign language

is, it's in the ear of the listener,

rather than in the mouth
of the speaker.

Sufferers have included
George Michael.

I don't know if you remember this.
In 2012, he had pneumonia

and he was briefly in a coma and
he woke up with what sounded like...

BAD ITALIAN ACCENT:
"You've gotta have faith-a."

"You've got to rock ya body."

No, he had a West Country accent.
Oh! He had a West Country accent.

WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
"You've got to have faith."

"Faith, you've got to have
faith now."

"Oh, aye, I heard a careless
whisper, I did." Yeah.

This is a terrible story -

there was a Norwegian woman
called Astrid L,

and she was hit in the head
by shrapnel

during World War II in an air raid,

and it left her
with a German accent,

but it was a speech impairment,

and it resulted in her being
ostracised by other Norwegians,

because they thought
that she had somehow

been associating with the Germans.

I heard someone, someone
on This Morning went on,

they'd had some organ transplant,

and when they woke up,
they were really into vacuuming.

Well, so this is
not as weird as it sounds.

The answer may be that
some memory exists in cells

where we didn't know
they resided before. Wow!

That you would pass on vacuuming
is really annoying. Yeah.

Yeah.

If someone starts speaking French
after a knock on the head,

it probably means they're French.

That brings us to the
grim matter of the scores,

which naturally are in
reverse order.

In last place, he should take
a long, hard look at himself,

with minus 13, it's Alan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In third place, with minus seven,
it's Liza.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

In second place,
with minus three, it's Joe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So close, so close.

In first place,
it's an absolute miracle,

I mean, it's astonishing,
with eight points...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!
..eight actual points, it's Zoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's thanks to Liza and Joe, Zoe and
Alan, and I leave you with this

from US comedian Rodney Dangerfield.
"I went to see my doctor,

"Doctor, every morning when I get up
and look in the mirror,

"I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said,

"I don't know," said the doctor,
"but your eyesight is perfect."

Thank you and goodnight.