QI (2003–…): Season 18, Episode 3 - Road and Rail - full transcript
Sandi Toksvig gets railroaded into a road and rail themed episode, with Alan Davies, Aisling Bea, Cally Beaton and Holly Walsh.
This programme
contains some strong language.
Good evening and welcome to QI.
Tonight, we head out on the highway
and take the nation to the station
as we go by road and rail.
Let's meet my fellow roadies.
Off the "Beaton" track,
it's Cally Beaton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Travelling down a "Bea"-road,
it's Aisling Bea.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On a driving "Holly-day",
it's Holly Walsh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'll take it!
And having a blue whale of a time,
it's Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And their buzzers
are really rail-y.
Cally goes...
TANNOY CHIME PLAYS
See it.
Aisling goes...
Say it.
Holly goes...
Sorted.
Alan goes...
Oh, OK, so I think you're
going to be needing this.
So this, rather pleasingly,
it is a...
ENGINE REVS
..a rail replacement buzz service.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
BELL DINGS
How cool is that?
That's very pleasing.
Yeah. I'll just back her up...
Oh.
Oh... Do you want to be able
to control it?
No, that's a terrible idea!
Isn't it great?
Uh-oh.
That cost 5.99, I'll have you know!
Thanks, Holl.
I love the fact it's called
Toksvig Transit,
presumably cos it's
just about your size.
Yeah, well...
LAUGHTER
OK, let's get the road on the show.
In which country can you drive
from east coast to west coast
on Route 66?
Oh, no, come on.
We're not going down there.
Oh, everybody's done the show
before.
BUZZER: Say it. Yes?
America. America!
KLAXON
APPLAUSE
Yeah. You'd think, right?
Yeah, because it's the answer!
This is the wrong answer.
OK, so we want to drive
from coast to coast.
There is only one country
with a coast to coast Route 66.
Any thoughts where it might be?
BUZZER: See it.
Yes, Cally? Armenia.
Armenia, weirdly,
is not a klaxon,
because we hadn't thought of it.
Australia? Australia, no.
France. Closer to home. Ireland.
Closer to home.
Scotland. England.
It's the UK. Yes. What?
It is the UK. Yeah. What?
So the A66, which I'm sure
you've all thought,
"Let's take a driving holiday,"
it goes 115 miles, coast to coast.
It is from Middlesbrough in the east
to Workington in the west.
It passes through, actually,
lovely places, Darlington.
Keswick, Cockermouth.
Sounds weird, doesn't it?
It does. Yeah.
Coming out of your mouth...
Out of my mouth? ..it sounds weird.
Rolls off the tongue, of course.
You know the way in America,
people are always like,
"Do you know what? Let's give up
our jobs and go on Route 66
"and take a car and just
discover ourselves"?
It doesn't feel like people
have been going, like,
from Darlington to Cockermouth...
Yeah, finding remote jazz clubs...
..and counterculture,
experimenting with new drugs...
"We've been to every Greggs
along the A66!"
"It's not the same since
they shut the Little Chef!" No!
So the A66 in 2018 was
named Motorway of the Year.
What's the...? But it's an A road!
Thank you. Yes.
So why might it suddenly be
named Motorway of the Year,
the A66?
Was it transitioning?
Did it identify as a motorway?
Well, yes, weirdly, yes.
Oh, that's it?
For one single mile, it identifies
as a motorway. Does it? Yeah.
That's all it takes? Yeah.
it's A66(M) for a single mile,
and apparently, in the great contest
to be Motorway of the Year,
that's enough. Is it? I know.
The American Route 66,
which we know about,
it never ran coast to coast.
Route 66 starts in Chicago,
which is about 700 miles
from the Atlantic.
And then it travels through
Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas,
New Mexico and Arizona, all the way
to Santa Monica in California.
I actually drove part of Route 66...
Oh, right?
..with my children, and that is
a lot of games of I Spy. Yes!
I can tell you, it's a long road!
But in Missouri,
there's a fudge factory
called Uranus.
And they have, obviously,
the usual
"Welcome to Uranus,
life's pretty sweet in Uranus."
It's, yeah.
Oh, I need to go. And we got
divorced a year later.
But it was a nice...
You and the children.
Me and the children!
They're still in Uranus.
There are some fabulous
things to see on the way.
There's a wonderful ghost town
in Oatman, Arizona,
where you can still see
one of the former brothels.
It's called Fast Fanny's.
There it is. There is a thing,
Alan, that I discovered on the route
that I think you would like,
which is in Catoosa, Oklahoma.
There was a guy whose wife
collected miniatures of blue whales.
He was a retired zookeeper
called Hugh Davis,
and for their wedding anniversary,
he decided to make a blue whale
that is 20 foot tall
and 80 foot long.
CALLY: Whoa. Yeah.
For a wedding anniversary?
For a wedding anniversary present,
yeah. How disappointing.
I know.
It took him nearly 3,000 hours
to complete.
Imagine the jobs he
could've done around the house.
Route 66 was almost Route 62.
But it doesn't have the same...
doesn't have the ring to it,
does it?
You can't rhyme it with kicks,
can you? No.
You can rhyme it only with poo.
Yeah.
Should have called it Route 69.
Although that would have gone
from the top to the bottom
and back again.
The road was officially removed
from the US highway system in 1985
and replaced by Interstate
highways.
But there are signs up now that say
"historic route" or "state route",
that kind of thing.
You can follow it.
It is actually worth doing,
it is a fantastic route.
So many Route 66 road signs
were stolen for souvenirs
that in some places, they painted
the signs on the road instead.
But what's the best way to stop
people from stealing road signs?
Oh, I... See it.
I'm from Dorset.
North Dorset, two points.
And there's... No, I give out the
points!
Well, I just didn't want to
leave anything to chance.
So I'm from Dorset and there's
a place called Shittington.
It's hilarious... It's actually
called Shitterton, yes.
Shitterton, even, yes. And the local
residents, so what they did was,
because hilarious people kept
stealing the sign that said...
There it is.
Oh, there you go, Shitterton.
So they clubbed together,
and instead of buying the people
who were stealing the signs a life,
they decided they would buy
a big, heavy, rock-formed sign,
so no-one could steal it.
Yeah, it weighs a tonne and a half,
and so far it's not gone.
And I have to say,
they've done the same
in the Austrian town of Fucking.
But what they've done in America,
particularly in one particular
county, Colesville in Maryland,
they've started taking the
vowels out of signs.
So anything to do with drugs,
for example,
so there was a place called
Stoner Drive
and that sign kept getting stolen.
It now looks like this.
They've just taken the vowels out,
and it stops people taking them.
The other problem is mile markers
that say 69 on them.
Those kept getting stolen.
They now say 68.9.
Just to keep them going.
I'll tell you what, let's see how we
are at road signs.
Let's play What's That Sign?
COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS
What's that sign?
OK, have a look at this first sign,
and can you tell me what it is for?
Wobbly truck? Wobbling trucks.
Is it toasters in use?
So they did a survey by Kwik Fit.
They surveyed 45,000 drivers.
26% could not identify this sign.
100% of you on the panel.
Anybody in the audience,
put your hand up if you think
you know what this is.
Yes, darling, with the beard?
Adverse camber.
It is adverse camber.
Wow.
Wow, I bet you're fun!
"Oh, yes, that'll be adverse camber,
yeah, that'll be."
That's his safe word.
"Adverse camber!"
That sounds like a town in Dorset,
doesn't it?
"Oh, yes, she's living in
Adverse Camber at the moment!"
Try this one.
What does this one mean, anybody?
No waiting.
Mm...
Does it mean no waiting, sir?
No?
No, what's it mean?
Is that the Swedish flag?
No, the Swedish flag
is blue and yellow.
I don't want to be shamed
for just guessing, Sandi.
Does anyone in the audience... does
literally nobody know what this is?
Yes, the gentleman in the
red shirt? Clearway.
It is a clearway.
Absolutely right.
Same thing! Same thing!
Well, it means no...
You can't even stop and...
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, that's
what he said, no stopping!
No, you said no waiting. Yes!
He said no stopping!
But you can't wait, you can't
even stop! No, you can't!
I'm going to give you an extra point
so that you don't have a seizure.
You know, Alan's the first person
to get road rage
sitting in a studio!
In the survey, 33% of people
could not identify this sign.
It is indeed a clearway.
And the final one, let's have a look
at this. Anybody know what this...?
BUZZER: Say it. Yes?
AISLING: Is that one,
"Don't take offence?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Don't take a fence from
the top of a barber's shop.
That is what it looks like.
Anybody know what it identifies?
Is it to do with a level crossing?
Is it to do with a level crossing.
What do the bars below it mean?
I'm just trying to lip-read
the man in the audience
who knows everything.
His wife's having the best
afternoon of her life.
Nice to be out of the house, is it?
Yeah.
Hands up, anybody who knows
what this one means?
I bet you whoever knows the next
answer will have a white beard. Yes?
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
No stopping on a level crossing?
No stopping on a level crossing, no.
You need a sign for that?! Yes.
Here, shall we...?
We're going to be parked
so close to the station!
HE IMITATES A TRAIN HORN
No waiting...!
The man over there.
Crossing in 200 yards.
Yeah, so it is. It's counting down
the distance to the level crossing.
Oh! Very well done!
This round should have been
christened
the Middle Aged White Man Round!
I know.
Because that's just been...
It's extraordinary.
You're living in a middle aged
white man world, my friend.
From roads in Britain
to Rhodes in Greece,
describe the pose of
the Colossus of Rhodes.
BUZZER: See it.
It's a sort of a manspread,
a sort of...
KLAXON
How do they know?!
It's like a... like a sort of power
stance, that kind of thing. Yeah.
Is it not there any more?
It isn't there any more.
That is absolutely true. So we are
trying to imagine
what it would have looked like.
Oh, so every answer is right.
Except the one where
it's astride the harbour.
I went to Rhodes once, and they
made a big play of this bloke
who used to stand across the harbour
with his legs either side
of the opening. Yeah.
So, you know, someone needs to
tell them. I know. It's a myth.
Oh, that looks sore.
That does look uncomfortable.
If the statue had been built
over the harbour in that way,
they would have had to close
the harbour for 12 years,
which, you know what construction's
like. You're going,
"Are we going to finish
any time soon?"
"I'll be a little bit longer,
getting his leg..."
"Can't get his underwear on.
We started him..."
And then the statue, we do know,
fell down in the earthquake
of 225 BC,
just 50 years after it was built.
It was made of bronze sections,
it had an iron and stone framework.
It could not have been built
with its legs apart.
It would have absolutely
collapsed under its own weight.
There's also a clue in its name,
Colossus.
So Colossus was a particular
type of statue that was found
in Asia Minor, which always
had its legs close together.
So it's like Angel of the North,
sort of thing.
Yeah, more like the Angel of the
North. Exactly right. Yeah.
In fact, the harbour-straddling
idea came from an Italian visitor
called Nicolas de Martoni...
Ooh, Sandi!
I know, right?
Shall I do the whole thing in an
Italian accent? Yeah, do it, go on.
IN ITALIAN ACCENT: He said,
"This statue, the people told me,
"one foot...
"One foot on the wharf where
the church of St Nicholas stands
"and other end on the wharf
where the windmills are."
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
Anyway, not only was this
second-hand information,
it was 1,500 years out of date,
it just, it stuck.
There's that wonderful bit
in Julius Caesar.
"Why, man, he doth bestride
the narrow world like a Colossus
"and we petty men walk
under his huge legs
"and peep about to find ourselves
dishonourable graves."
I mean, it's beautiful, isn't it?
Mm.
We've all been there, haven't we?
Yeah.
The things you can quote
and the things I can quote
are just totally...
"I'm not a girl,
not yet a woman,"
of course, as Britney Spears
once sang in her hit,
I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman.
If you have a look at the modern
attempt, though, this is a design,
they have thought many times
to try and redo this.
Oh, wow. That's...
That's very tasteful.
If I saw that on a dating app,
I'd be like,
"No personality, come on, now."
Just going, "What's in the bowl?
What's in the bowl?
"£1 a guess,
what's in the bowl?"
Why would that be a desirable
thing for ships to go under?
Like, that would be...
Wouldn't you just be like, "Oh...
"We're fine."
I think it'd be more fun if
it was a bit like a thing
where you'd come towards it and
the legs open as you...
Or...
..his cock was like a massive
rope swing.
It's possible we've gone too far.
Every morning, you went, whoa...
I'm moving on.
Britain is home to the world's
oldest working model railway.
It was first built in 1912.
But what was the point?
Was it so a ten-year-old Rod
Stewart
had something to play with
on his birthday?
There is an astonishing railway
that Rod Stewart has built.
This, which looks like a proper
railway station
with all the buildings, this is
Rod Stewart's model railway.
And he has been working
on it for 26 years.
He's handcrafted all the buildings.
And when he's on tour,
he has a special room set aside
where he can build his railway.
Isn't it funny that someone
who puts out so much sexuality
can destroy it all with
something so...?
LAUGHTER
I also, it's good for the lady
there with the road sign expert
to know things could be worse.
LAUGHTER
I absolutely love model railways,
and I have a little train
that runs around the skirting boards
in my office.
But after I saw Rod Stewart's,
I realised that mine needs
a little bit of work.
So this is Rod's. This is mine.
Aww!
I love that. That's amazing. So does
it go right the way round your room?
Yeah, around on the skirting board.
I want to get a bridge at the door
that'll open and close like that.
A bridge at the door? Yes,
so that we could open the door
and the bridge would go up
like that.
What about if you had a colossus
with a swinging dick
opening and shutting?
So let's go back to this particular
railway, built in 1912.
Were they making a plan, designing
something?
It is certainly to do with a plan.
It was in use until 1995.
Was it a training device?
It was a training device.
So the Lancashire and Yorkshire
Railways Signalling School
at Victoria Station in Manchester,
they used a model railway,
because you do not want to practise
your signalling
on an actual railway.
No, you... No.
Wouldn't want to get a mistake.
Did they have a model buffet car
where they could practise saying
"No more cheese toasties
after Milton Keynes"?
So model trains are still used
to train railway staff.
TfL have a place called
Ashfield House in Kensington,
and the Tube stuff use model...
Are stupid! Look at them.
In the way... It's behind you!
Move!
How to use the platform.
Now, what am I doing wrong here...?
It's a mock-up of a Tube station,
it's called West Ashfield.
It's on the third floor,
complete with tracks and signals
and barriers and a train and so on,
and they train 1,500 to 2,000
drivers
and operational staff there every
year.
The very first model railway
was built in 1859,
and was built for the three-year-old
son of Emperor Napoleon III.
Le Monde reported...
I should do this in French.
Oh, please do. Sandi, take us
on another journey!
Oui, oui, oui. Oh, la, la.
IN FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, la, la.
Ze railway built for ze
amusement of the Prince Imperial
is a real toy, as well as a
masterpiece of mechanical science!
Its track is in ze shape
of the figure eight, ze huit,
and the caricature of its tiny rails
is reminiscent of the
surprising curves
of the railway from Paris to Sceaux.
Right, moving on,
what's the secret to catching
the invisible rail?
I'm 50.
I'll take your silence
as stunned. That's fine.
No! No!
Thank you!
What? OK, let's do it again.
Everybody's going to say no.
Ready? Go ahead. So I'm 50.
What?! AUDIENCE: No!
None taken.
So... But there was a man who said
that women at 50 are invisible.
Not to men who are 54.
So I thought maybe
it's a 50-year-old woman.
Certainly in a restaurant,
that is true. Yeah.
Have you tried popping one tit out
and seeing if they can see you then?
Just the one! No need to
come across as loose or fast.
At a certain age, Aisling,
they just sort of fall out
and drag with...
You've got to be very careful not
to...
Oh, like, you could pop it out
under your... Yeah... Yeah.
You have to pop it out and
then you have to go, "Oh! Oh! Oh!
"Oh, yeah, I'll have soup..."
I'm going to ask again.
It's not the word for the overhead
power cable, is it?
No, it isn't. In fact, we are being
misleading with our illustration.
CALLY: Oh, I think I know it.
BUZZER: See it.
It's a bird. It is a bird.
You're absolutely right.
HOLLY: An invisible...?
AISLING: What's a bird?
So they're small, often rather
dull-looking birds, frankly.
But they live on the ground.
They live in marshy areas in very,
very difficult to reach places.
I mean, that one's dead.
You know that one's dead. No!
No, so these are the largest
of the flightless birds.
So it's probably about... it's
probably about this big.
Cousin of a chicken, perhaps, Sandi?
A chicken is definitely bigger
than that.
I meant to say it's the
smallest of the flightless birds!
APPLAUSE
I'll be completely honest with you,
I'm still stuck on your tit
coming out from under your dress.
It's the smallest of the flightless
birds,
and one of the most elusive
is called the invisible rail,
so-called because of its ability
to hide in the long grass.
There was a guy, a German biologist
called Gerd Heinrich,
and he's the very first person
to have caught an invisible rail.
And he said, "I am solidly confident
"no European has ever seen
this rail alive,
"for that requires such
a degree of toughening
"and such demands on oneself
"as I cannot so easily attribute
to others."
And he wasn't exaggerating.
So he went to this Indonesian
island called Halmahera,
and this terrible, dense,
bug-ridden thorn wilderness,
and in order to get himself ready
and toughen himself up,
he rolled naked in beds of nettles.
AISLING GASPS
I know, he was keen.
He was very, very keen.
Just shouting, "Adverse camber!
Adverse camber!"
They tend... He should
have left his pants on.
You don't want a nettle sting
on your penis. No. Yeah.
I mean, you might as well just keep
everything else on
and just roll your penis in the
nettle.
As long as you've got one
on your penis,
you're not going to think
about any of the other...
Just sting your penis
and leave your clothes on.
If I was there, I'd just swing
one breast into the nettles,
and they'd all be happy.
Swing it!
All right, Aisling,
we're not all 32 any more.
Rails tend to live in places
where human beings don't,
because human beings bring
dogs and rats and so on,
so they tend to live
in inaccessible places.
Now, back to the railways.
Tell me, who wouldn't be
seen dead in first class?
Who wouldn't be caught dead?
There's a clue in the question.
I dated a pilot for a bit, you know.
An ex-Red Arrow, actually.
When you say you dated him for
a bit, a bit of what, exactly?
Well, I... Free air miles?
I asked him once,
I did say to him, "Will you...?
"Will you land?!"
When we were in a bit of
a saucy situation, I said,
"Will you do the pilot's voice?
"Will you pretend you're
landing the plane?"
And he said, "Where are we landing?"
And I said...
And you said, "Brazil!"
APPLAUSE
He didn't enter
into the spirit of things at all.
He started asking if we'd
had clearance from the tower.
But he said to me...
What's it got to do with railways?
It has got something to do... OK.
Well, I just thought
you'd like that image.
And then... This whole show
has been a delight for me!
He said to me that
they have cupboards
for if people die in the plane.
They put them in a holding area,
because people do die in the air.
And they put them in a...?
In a sort of, you know,
where they might put your bags
or your coat. They put cadavers.
If someone dies in mid-air... What,
they put them in overhead lockers?
They have... Not...!
Not overhead.
Can you imagine trying
to stuff that, like...?
That's impressive.
Whose leg is that? Sorry, I'm
just trying to get my bag, like...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK.
So you get home and you're like,
"Oh, I picked up a dead body,
not my bag!"
We were talking about the railways.
It was a specific railway
that ran from Waterloo
out to Brookwood in Surrey.
Why would it do that?
It's the largest cemetery in
the whole of the UK. Oh.
And there used to be the
London Necropolis Railway,
and it was built in the 1850s,
and it was to transport bodies out.
They had a real problem with where
they were going to put dead bodies.
"I know, Surrey!" Yes.
The churchyard of St
Martin-in-the-Fields
was only 200 foot square,
and yet it had 60,000 people in it.
So they really needed...
What? Is that the one
off Trafalgar Square?
Off Trafalgar Square, yeah.
Is "necro" dead people?
Yes, it is.
I recognised that from another
phrase! As in... Yes.
LAUGHTER
So the trains had first, second and
third class carriages for the dead.
The main sell of the first one
was that your loved dead person
did not have to be anywhere
near a lower class person
as they left London. God.
It was open between 1854 and 1941.
An estimated 203,000 people made
that particular one-way trip. In...
In coffins? Yes,
so there was a hearse carriage,
and then there was a mourners
carriage. Hearse-t class.
There was a hearse class, yes!
First and second-class mourners
had their own waiting room
away from the third class, and
then Anglicans and non-Anglicans
had separate stations
at the cemetery.
And actors would always get off
at the non-conformist stop,
because it was the only one that
would perform funerals on a Sunday,
and that's the only day
that actors got a day off,
and so they were buried in
the special section on a Sunday.
And now I'm afraid I'll have to
railroad you onto the road to ruin
that we call General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
Have you got your bell?
What is the most
expensive metal on Earth?
BELL DINGS
Yes? I didn't mean to do that.
It just went off.
The most expensive? Yes, the
most expensive metal on Earth.
I don't know.
I'm going to give five points
for absolute honesty.
It's one of the noble metals.
It is incredibly expensive because
it is both useful and rare.
Foil.
Yes, foil is a noble metal.
Rhodium is the answer.
So, for example, gold at the moment,
costs about 50,000 a kilo.
Platinum is about 27,000 a kilo.
This costs 350,000 per kilo. Whoa.
That sounds like something that
a rapper would get his teeth
done in... In rhodium. Yeah.
..just for the sake of it.
I mean, whether you could or not,
I don't know.
There's hardly any of it mined
in the world. It's so expensive.
AISLING: What's it used in?
Catalytic converters.
About 80% of all rhodium is
used in catalytic converters.
The amount you'd have in a car,
it's the same weight
as about a quarter of what a
postage stamp weighs,
but it adds £70 to the price of your
car. So, rather than nicking a car,
all I need to do is prise it open,
go through it...
And get the rhodium out.
..and get the rhodium out.
That's what people do.
I had mine stolen.
What, just for the rhodium?
The catalytic converter out of a
car.
They pull up with a power tool,
go underneath it, cut it off,
and they've gone in two minutes.
And you're just driving along?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No.
You're not in the car!
You've parked it,
gone about your business,
and when you come back,
your car's going "brrrrr".
Are they going to start making them
into, like, rings for weddings
and stuff like that?
Well, yes, darling,
because it is in jewellery.
So it's used especially as
a plate for white gold.
It can give that sort of
reflective surface.
So it is used in that. It's also
used in heart pacemakers.
They get nicked all the time
as well. Yeah.
Going about your business,
20 seconds later
they've nicked your pacemaker.
Right, moving on.
How many terminals
are there at Heathrow Airport?
BUZZER: See it.
Well, I'm going to say five,
and you're going to...
KLAXON
Alan, what do you reckon?
Three are in the airport,
the other two are further
away, is that what it is?
No, it's that there are four.
There is no Terminal 1.
But there is, because look,
there's a sign for it. Yes.
The sign is incorrect.
Terminal 1 closed down in 2015
and all flights were diverted
to Terminal 2.
It's sort of sad, really,
because when it opened in 1969,
it was the biggest passenger
terminal
in the whole of Western Europe,
and by the end, it was
sort of tragic.
There were, like,
five shops and 20 planes.
And they did it to expand
Terminal 2.
So there is no longer a Terminal 1.
So when they're always on
about building a third runway,
they could just get
the one out of 1?
CALLY: Put a runway in a terminal.
Yeah. Yeah, just do that.
Has anybody here heard of
Terminal 6 at Heathrow?
Oh, is that the one you run at,
and if you're a wizard,
you get through?
No, that's 5 and a half!
It's supposedly reserved for
famous people, royals,
heads of state, and so on.
Have you been in it, Sandi?
I have never. It is a posh lounge
behind an unmarked door
in Terminal 5, apparently.
Sandi, when you fly, do you
get whisked off, like...?
Yeah.
..not with the normal people?
You have to pay.
It's £2,750 plus VAT.
Could any of us get whisked for...?
Anybody could get whisked,
anybody at all,
as long as you've got the money.
So you pay that on top of your
normal ticket? Yeah.
There's no shops there at all,
but, you know, big brands like
Dior will bring stuff to you.
And what I love is, you get
taken to the plane by a BMW.
So you have been whisked?
I've read and salivated.
Right, let's look at the scores.
Our winner today, leaving everyone
in their dust with nine points,
is Holly!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In second place, I'm not surprised,
with three points,
because it was an excellent
contribution, the audience!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In third place with -9,
it's Alan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Third's not bad.
In fourth place with -25,
Aisling.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And in last place,
broken down on the hard shoulder
with -30, it's Cally.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks to Cally and Aisling,
Holly and Alan,
and I leave you with this
from one of the greatest
motor racing drivers of all time,
Juan Manuel Fangio:
"Driving fast on the track
does not scare me.
"What scares me is when
I drive on the highway,
"I get passed by some idiot who
thinks he's Juan Manuel Fangio."
Thank you and goodnight.
APPLAUSE
contains some strong language.
Good evening and welcome to QI.
Tonight, we head out on the highway
and take the nation to the station
as we go by road and rail.
Let's meet my fellow roadies.
Off the "Beaton" track,
it's Cally Beaton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Travelling down a "Bea"-road,
it's Aisling Bea.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On a driving "Holly-day",
it's Holly Walsh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'll take it!
And having a blue whale of a time,
it's Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And their buzzers
are really rail-y.
Cally goes...
TANNOY CHIME PLAYS
See it.
Aisling goes...
Say it.
Holly goes...
Sorted.
Alan goes...
Oh, OK, so I think you're
going to be needing this.
So this, rather pleasingly,
it is a...
ENGINE REVS
..a rail replacement buzz service.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
BELL DINGS
How cool is that?
That's very pleasing.
Yeah. I'll just back her up...
Oh.
Oh... Do you want to be able
to control it?
No, that's a terrible idea!
Isn't it great?
Uh-oh.
That cost 5.99, I'll have you know!
Thanks, Holl.
I love the fact it's called
Toksvig Transit,
presumably cos it's
just about your size.
Yeah, well...
LAUGHTER
OK, let's get the road on the show.
In which country can you drive
from east coast to west coast
on Route 66?
Oh, no, come on.
We're not going down there.
Oh, everybody's done the show
before.
BUZZER: Say it. Yes?
America. America!
KLAXON
APPLAUSE
Yeah. You'd think, right?
Yeah, because it's the answer!
This is the wrong answer.
OK, so we want to drive
from coast to coast.
There is only one country
with a coast to coast Route 66.
Any thoughts where it might be?
BUZZER: See it.
Yes, Cally? Armenia.
Armenia, weirdly,
is not a klaxon,
because we hadn't thought of it.
Australia? Australia, no.
France. Closer to home. Ireland.
Closer to home.
Scotland. England.
It's the UK. Yes. What?
It is the UK. Yeah. What?
So the A66, which I'm sure
you've all thought,
"Let's take a driving holiday,"
it goes 115 miles, coast to coast.
It is from Middlesbrough in the east
to Workington in the west.
It passes through, actually,
lovely places, Darlington.
Keswick, Cockermouth.
Sounds weird, doesn't it?
It does. Yeah.
Coming out of your mouth...
Out of my mouth? ..it sounds weird.
Rolls off the tongue, of course.
You know the way in America,
people are always like,
"Do you know what? Let's give up
our jobs and go on Route 66
"and take a car and just
discover ourselves"?
It doesn't feel like people
have been going, like,
from Darlington to Cockermouth...
Yeah, finding remote jazz clubs...
..and counterculture,
experimenting with new drugs...
"We've been to every Greggs
along the A66!"
"It's not the same since
they shut the Little Chef!" No!
So the A66 in 2018 was
named Motorway of the Year.
What's the...? But it's an A road!
Thank you. Yes.
So why might it suddenly be
named Motorway of the Year,
the A66?
Was it transitioning?
Did it identify as a motorway?
Well, yes, weirdly, yes.
Oh, that's it?
For one single mile, it identifies
as a motorway. Does it? Yeah.
That's all it takes? Yeah.
it's A66(M) for a single mile,
and apparently, in the great contest
to be Motorway of the Year,
that's enough. Is it? I know.
The American Route 66,
which we know about,
it never ran coast to coast.
Route 66 starts in Chicago,
which is about 700 miles
from the Atlantic.
And then it travels through
Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas,
New Mexico and Arizona, all the way
to Santa Monica in California.
I actually drove part of Route 66...
Oh, right?
..with my children, and that is
a lot of games of I Spy. Yes!
I can tell you, it's a long road!
But in Missouri,
there's a fudge factory
called Uranus.
And they have, obviously,
the usual
"Welcome to Uranus,
life's pretty sweet in Uranus."
It's, yeah.
Oh, I need to go. And we got
divorced a year later.
But it was a nice...
You and the children.
Me and the children!
They're still in Uranus.
There are some fabulous
things to see on the way.
There's a wonderful ghost town
in Oatman, Arizona,
where you can still see
one of the former brothels.
It's called Fast Fanny's.
There it is. There is a thing,
Alan, that I discovered on the route
that I think you would like,
which is in Catoosa, Oklahoma.
There was a guy whose wife
collected miniatures of blue whales.
He was a retired zookeeper
called Hugh Davis,
and for their wedding anniversary,
he decided to make a blue whale
that is 20 foot tall
and 80 foot long.
CALLY: Whoa. Yeah.
For a wedding anniversary?
For a wedding anniversary present,
yeah. How disappointing.
I know.
It took him nearly 3,000 hours
to complete.
Imagine the jobs he
could've done around the house.
Route 66 was almost Route 62.
But it doesn't have the same...
doesn't have the ring to it,
does it?
You can't rhyme it with kicks,
can you? No.
You can rhyme it only with poo.
Yeah.
Should have called it Route 69.
Although that would have gone
from the top to the bottom
and back again.
The road was officially removed
from the US highway system in 1985
and replaced by Interstate
highways.
But there are signs up now that say
"historic route" or "state route",
that kind of thing.
You can follow it.
It is actually worth doing,
it is a fantastic route.
So many Route 66 road signs
were stolen for souvenirs
that in some places, they painted
the signs on the road instead.
But what's the best way to stop
people from stealing road signs?
Oh, I... See it.
I'm from Dorset.
North Dorset, two points.
And there's... No, I give out the
points!
Well, I just didn't want to
leave anything to chance.
So I'm from Dorset and there's
a place called Shittington.
It's hilarious... It's actually
called Shitterton, yes.
Shitterton, even, yes. And the local
residents, so what they did was,
because hilarious people kept
stealing the sign that said...
There it is.
Oh, there you go, Shitterton.
So they clubbed together,
and instead of buying the people
who were stealing the signs a life,
they decided they would buy
a big, heavy, rock-formed sign,
so no-one could steal it.
Yeah, it weighs a tonne and a half,
and so far it's not gone.
And I have to say,
they've done the same
in the Austrian town of Fucking.
But what they've done in America,
particularly in one particular
county, Colesville in Maryland,
they've started taking the
vowels out of signs.
So anything to do with drugs,
for example,
so there was a place called
Stoner Drive
and that sign kept getting stolen.
It now looks like this.
They've just taken the vowels out,
and it stops people taking them.
The other problem is mile markers
that say 69 on them.
Those kept getting stolen.
They now say 68.9.
Just to keep them going.
I'll tell you what, let's see how we
are at road signs.
Let's play What's That Sign?
COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS
What's that sign?
OK, have a look at this first sign,
and can you tell me what it is for?
Wobbly truck? Wobbling trucks.
Is it toasters in use?
So they did a survey by Kwik Fit.
They surveyed 45,000 drivers.
26% could not identify this sign.
100% of you on the panel.
Anybody in the audience,
put your hand up if you think
you know what this is.
Yes, darling, with the beard?
Adverse camber.
It is adverse camber.
Wow.
Wow, I bet you're fun!
"Oh, yes, that'll be adverse camber,
yeah, that'll be."
That's his safe word.
"Adverse camber!"
That sounds like a town in Dorset,
doesn't it?
"Oh, yes, she's living in
Adverse Camber at the moment!"
Try this one.
What does this one mean, anybody?
No waiting.
Mm...
Does it mean no waiting, sir?
No?
No, what's it mean?
Is that the Swedish flag?
No, the Swedish flag
is blue and yellow.
I don't want to be shamed
for just guessing, Sandi.
Does anyone in the audience... does
literally nobody know what this is?
Yes, the gentleman in the
red shirt? Clearway.
It is a clearway.
Absolutely right.
Same thing! Same thing!
Well, it means no...
You can't even stop and...
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, that's
what he said, no stopping!
No, you said no waiting. Yes!
He said no stopping!
But you can't wait, you can't
even stop! No, you can't!
I'm going to give you an extra point
so that you don't have a seizure.
You know, Alan's the first person
to get road rage
sitting in a studio!
In the survey, 33% of people
could not identify this sign.
It is indeed a clearway.
And the final one, let's have a look
at this. Anybody know what this...?
BUZZER: Say it. Yes?
AISLING: Is that one,
"Don't take offence?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Don't take a fence from
the top of a barber's shop.
That is what it looks like.
Anybody know what it identifies?
Is it to do with a level crossing?
Is it to do with a level crossing.
What do the bars below it mean?
I'm just trying to lip-read
the man in the audience
who knows everything.
His wife's having the best
afternoon of her life.
Nice to be out of the house, is it?
Yeah.
Hands up, anybody who knows
what this one means?
I bet you whoever knows the next
answer will have a white beard. Yes?
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
No stopping on a level crossing?
No stopping on a level crossing, no.
You need a sign for that?! Yes.
Here, shall we...?
We're going to be parked
so close to the station!
HE IMITATES A TRAIN HORN
No waiting...!
The man over there.
Crossing in 200 yards.
Yeah, so it is. It's counting down
the distance to the level crossing.
Oh! Very well done!
This round should have been
christened
the Middle Aged White Man Round!
I know.
Because that's just been...
It's extraordinary.
You're living in a middle aged
white man world, my friend.
From roads in Britain
to Rhodes in Greece,
describe the pose of
the Colossus of Rhodes.
BUZZER: See it.
It's a sort of a manspread,
a sort of...
KLAXON
How do they know?!
It's like a... like a sort of power
stance, that kind of thing. Yeah.
Is it not there any more?
It isn't there any more.
That is absolutely true. So we are
trying to imagine
what it would have looked like.
Oh, so every answer is right.
Except the one where
it's astride the harbour.
I went to Rhodes once, and they
made a big play of this bloke
who used to stand across the harbour
with his legs either side
of the opening. Yeah.
So, you know, someone needs to
tell them. I know. It's a myth.
Oh, that looks sore.
That does look uncomfortable.
If the statue had been built
over the harbour in that way,
they would have had to close
the harbour for 12 years,
which, you know what construction's
like. You're going,
"Are we going to finish
any time soon?"
"I'll be a little bit longer,
getting his leg..."
"Can't get his underwear on.
We started him..."
And then the statue, we do know,
fell down in the earthquake
of 225 BC,
just 50 years after it was built.
It was made of bronze sections,
it had an iron and stone framework.
It could not have been built
with its legs apart.
It would have absolutely
collapsed under its own weight.
There's also a clue in its name,
Colossus.
So Colossus was a particular
type of statue that was found
in Asia Minor, which always
had its legs close together.
So it's like Angel of the North,
sort of thing.
Yeah, more like the Angel of the
North. Exactly right. Yeah.
In fact, the harbour-straddling
idea came from an Italian visitor
called Nicolas de Martoni...
Ooh, Sandi!
I know, right?
Shall I do the whole thing in an
Italian accent? Yeah, do it, go on.
IN ITALIAN ACCENT: He said,
"This statue, the people told me,
"one foot...
"One foot on the wharf where
the church of St Nicholas stands
"and other end on the wharf
where the windmills are."
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
Anyway, not only was this
second-hand information,
it was 1,500 years out of date,
it just, it stuck.
There's that wonderful bit
in Julius Caesar.
"Why, man, he doth bestride
the narrow world like a Colossus
"and we petty men walk
under his huge legs
"and peep about to find ourselves
dishonourable graves."
I mean, it's beautiful, isn't it?
Mm.
We've all been there, haven't we?
Yeah.
The things you can quote
and the things I can quote
are just totally...
"I'm not a girl,
not yet a woman,"
of course, as Britney Spears
once sang in her hit,
I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman.
If you have a look at the modern
attempt, though, this is a design,
they have thought many times
to try and redo this.
Oh, wow. That's...
That's very tasteful.
If I saw that on a dating app,
I'd be like,
"No personality, come on, now."
Just going, "What's in the bowl?
What's in the bowl?
"£1 a guess,
what's in the bowl?"
Why would that be a desirable
thing for ships to go under?
Like, that would be...
Wouldn't you just be like, "Oh...
"We're fine."
I think it'd be more fun if
it was a bit like a thing
where you'd come towards it and
the legs open as you...
Or...
..his cock was like a massive
rope swing.
It's possible we've gone too far.
Every morning, you went, whoa...
I'm moving on.
Britain is home to the world's
oldest working model railway.
It was first built in 1912.
But what was the point?
Was it so a ten-year-old Rod
Stewart
had something to play with
on his birthday?
There is an astonishing railway
that Rod Stewart has built.
This, which looks like a proper
railway station
with all the buildings, this is
Rod Stewart's model railway.
And he has been working
on it for 26 years.
He's handcrafted all the buildings.
And when he's on tour,
he has a special room set aside
where he can build his railway.
Isn't it funny that someone
who puts out so much sexuality
can destroy it all with
something so...?
LAUGHTER
I also, it's good for the lady
there with the road sign expert
to know things could be worse.
LAUGHTER
I absolutely love model railways,
and I have a little train
that runs around the skirting boards
in my office.
But after I saw Rod Stewart's,
I realised that mine needs
a little bit of work.
So this is Rod's. This is mine.
Aww!
I love that. That's amazing. So does
it go right the way round your room?
Yeah, around on the skirting board.
I want to get a bridge at the door
that'll open and close like that.
A bridge at the door? Yes,
so that we could open the door
and the bridge would go up
like that.
What about if you had a colossus
with a swinging dick
opening and shutting?
So let's go back to this particular
railway, built in 1912.
Were they making a plan, designing
something?
It is certainly to do with a plan.
It was in use until 1995.
Was it a training device?
It was a training device.
So the Lancashire and Yorkshire
Railways Signalling School
at Victoria Station in Manchester,
they used a model railway,
because you do not want to practise
your signalling
on an actual railway.
No, you... No.
Wouldn't want to get a mistake.
Did they have a model buffet car
where they could practise saying
"No more cheese toasties
after Milton Keynes"?
So model trains are still used
to train railway staff.
TfL have a place called
Ashfield House in Kensington,
and the Tube stuff use model...
Are stupid! Look at them.
In the way... It's behind you!
Move!
How to use the platform.
Now, what am I doing wrong here...?
It's a mock-up of a Tube station,
it's called West Ashfield.
It's on the third floor,
complete with tracks and signals
and barriers and a train and so on,
and they train 1,500 to 2,000
drivers
and operational staff there every
year.
The very first model railway
was built in 1859,
and was built for the three-year-old
son of Emperor Napoleon III.
Le Monde reported...
I should do this in French.
Oh, please do. Sandi, take us
on another journey!
Oui, oui, oui. Oh, la, la.
IN FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, la, la.
Ze railway built for ze
amusement of the Prince Imperial
is a real toy, as well as a
masterpiece of mechanical science!
Its track is in ze shape
of the figure eight, ze huit,
and the caricature of its tiny rails
is reminiscent of the
surprising curves
of the railway from Paris to Sceaux.
Right, moving on,
what's the secret to catching
the invisible rail?
I'm 50.
I'll take your silence
as stunned. That's fine.
No! No!
Thank you!
What? OK, let's do it again.
Everybody's going to say no.
Ready? Go ahead. So I'm 50.
What?! AUDIENCE: No!
None taken.
So... But there was a man who said
that women at 50 are invisible.
Not to men who are 54.
So I thought maybe
it's a 50-year-old woman.
Certainly in a restaurant,
that is true. Yeah.
Have you tried popping one tit out
and seeing if they can see you then?
Just the one! No need to
come across as loose or fast.
At a certain age, Aisling,
they just sort of fall out
and drag with...
You've got to be very careful not
to...
Oh, like, you could pop it out
under your... Yeah... Yeah.
You have to pop it out and
then you have to go, "Oh! Oh! Oh!
"Oh, yeah, I'll have soup..."
I'm going to ask again.
It's not the word for the overhead
power cable, is it?
No, it isn't. In fact, we are being
misleading with our illustration.
CALLY: Oh, I think I know it.
BUZZER: See it.
It's a bird. It is a bird.
You're absolutely right.
HOLLY: An invisible...?
AISLING: What's a bird?
So they're small, often rather
dull-looking birds, frankly.
But they live on the ground.
They live in marshy areas in very,
very difficult to reach places.
I mean, that one's dead.
You know that one's dead. No!
No, so these are the largest
of the flightless birds.
So it's probably about... it's
probably about this big.
Cousin of a chicken, perhaps, Sandi?
A chicken is definitely bigger
than that.
I meant to say it's the
smallest of the flightless birds!
APPLAUSE
I'll be completely honest with you,
I'm still stuck on your tit
coming out from under your dress.
It's the smallest of the flightless
birds,
and one of the most elusive
is called the invisible rail,
so-called because of its ability
to hide in the long grass.
There was a guy, a German biologist
called Gerd Heinrich,
and he's the very first person
to have caught an invisible rail.
And he said, "I am solidly confident
"no European has ever seen
this rail alive,
"for that requires such
a degree of toughening
"and such demands on oneself
"as I cannot so easily attribute
to others."
And he wasn't exaggerating.
So he went to this Indonesian
island called Halmahera,
and this terrible, dense,
bug-ridden thorn wilderness,
and in order to get himself ready
and toughen himself up,
he rolled naked in beds of nettles.
AISLING GASPS
I know, he was keen.
He was very, very keen.
Just shouting, "Adverse camber!
Adverse camber!"
They tend... He should
have left his pants on.
You don't want a nettle sting
on your penis. No. Yeah.
I mean, you might as well just keep
everything else on
and just roll your penis in the
nettle.
As long as you've got one
on your penis,
you're not going to think
about any of the other...
Just sting your penis
and leave your clothes on.
If I was there, I'd just swing
one breast into the nettles,
and they'd all be happy.
Swing it!
All right, Aisling,
we're not all 32 any more.
Rails tend to live in places
where human beings don't,
because human beings bring
dogs and rats and so on,
so they tend to live
in inaccessible places.
Now, back to the railways.
Tell me, who wouldn't be
seen dead in first class?
Who wouldn't be caught dead?
There's a clue in the question.
I dated a pilot for a bit, you know.
An ex-Red Arrow, actually.
When you say you dated him for
a bit, a bit of what, exactly?
Well, I... Free air miles?
I asked him once,
I did say to him, "Will you...?
"Will you land?!"
When we were in a bit of
a saucy situation, I said,
"Will you do the pilot's voice?
"Will you pretend you're
landing the plane?"
And he said, "Where are we landing?"
And I said...
And you said, "Brazil!"
APPLAUSE
He didn't enter
into the spirit of things at all.
He started asking if we'd
had clearance from the tower.
But he said to me...
What's it got to do with railways?
It has got something to do... OK.
Well, I just thought
you'd like that image.
And then... This whole show
has been a delight for me!
He said to me that
they have cupboards
for if people die in the plane.
They put them in a holding area,
because people do die in the air.
And they put them in a...?
In a sort of, you know,
where they might put your bags
or your coat. They put cadavers.
If someone dies in mid-air... What,
they put them in overhead lockers?
They have... Not...!
Not overhead.
Can you imagine trying
to stuff that, like...?
That's impressive.
Whose leg is that? Sorry, I'm
just trying to get my bag, like...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK.
So you get home and you're like,
"Oh, I picked up a dead body,
not my bag!"
We were talking about the railways.
It was a specific railway
that ran from Waterloo
out to Brookwood in Surrey.
Why would it do that?
It's the largest cemetery in
the whole of the UK. Oh.
And there used to be the
London Necropolis Railway,
and it was built in the 1850s,
and it was to transport bodies out.
They had a real problem with where
they were going to put dead bodies.
"I know, Surrey!" Yes.
The churchyard of St
Martin-in-the-Fields
was only 200 foot square,
and yet it had 60,000 people in it.
So they really needed...
What? Is that the one
off Trafalgar Square?
Off Trafalgar Square, yeah.
Is "necro" dead people?
Yes, it is.
I recognised that from another
phrase! As in... Yes.
LAUGHTER
So the trains had first, second and
third class carriages for the dead.
The main sell of the first one
was that your loved dead person
did not have to be anywhere
near a lower class person
as they left London. God.
It was open between 1854 and 1941.
An estimated 203,000 people made
that particular one-way trip. In...
In coffins? Yes,
so there was a hearse carriage,
and then there was a mourners
carriage. Hearse-t class.
There was a hearse class, yes!
First and second-class mourners
had their own waiting room
away from the third class, and
then Anglicans and non-Anglicans
had separate stations
at the cemetery.
And actors would always get off
at the non-conformist stop,
because it was the only one that
would perform funerals on a Sunday,
and that's the only day
that actors got a day off,
and so they were buried in
the special section on a Sunday.
And now I'm afraid I'll have to
railroad you onto the road to ruin
that we call General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
Have you got your bell?
What is the most
expensive metal on Earth?
BELL DINGS
Yes? I didn't mean to do that.
It just went off.
The most expensive? Yes, the
most expensive metal on Earth.
I don't know.
I'm going to give five points
for absolute honesty.
It's one of the noble metals.
It is incredibly expensive because
it is both useful and rare.
Foil.
Yes, foil is a noble metal.
Rhodium is the answer.
So, for example, gold at the moment,
costs about 50,000 a kilo.
Platinum is about 27,000 a kilo.
This costs 350,000 per kilo. Whoa.
That sounds like something that
a rapper would get his teeth
done in... In rhodium. Yeah.
..just for the sake of it.
I mean, whether you could or not,
I don't know.
There's hardly any of it mined
in the world. It's so expensive.
AISLING: What's it used in?
Catalytic converters.
About 80% of all rhodium is
used in catalytic converters.
The amount you'd have in a car,
it's the same weight
as about a quarter of what a
postage stamp weighs,
but it adds £70 to the price of your
car. So, rather than nicking a car,
all I need to do is prise it open,
go through it...
And get the rhodium out.
..and get the rhodium out.
That's what people do.
I had mine stolen.
What, just for the rhodium?
The catalytic converter out of a
car.
They pull up with a power tool,
go underneath it, cut it off,
and they've gone in two minutes.
And you're just driving along?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No.
You're not in the car!
You've parked it,
gone about your business,
and when you come back,
your car's going "brrrrr".
Are they going to start making them
into, like, rings for weddings
and stuff like that?
Well, yes, darling,
because it is in jewellery.
So it's used especially as
a plate for white gold.
It can give that sort of
reflective surface.
So it is used in that. It's also
used in heart pacemakers.
They get nicked all the time
as well. Yeah.
Going about your business,
20 seconds later
they've nicked your pacemaker.
Right, moving on.
How many terminals
are there at Heathrow Airport?
BUZZER: See it.
Well, I'm going to say five,
and you're going to...
KLAXON
Alan, what do you reckon?
Three are in the airport,
the other two are further
away, is that what it is?
No, it's that there are four.
There is no Terminal 1.
But there is, because look,
there's a sign for it. Yes.
The sign is incorrect.
Terminal 1 closed down in 2015
and all flights were diverted
to Terminal 2.
It's sort of sad, really,
because when it opened in 1969,
it was the biggest passenger
terminal
in the whole of Western Europe,
and by the end, it was
sort of tragic.
There were, like,
five shops and 20 planes.
And they did it to expand
Terminal 2.
So there is no longer a Terminal 1.
So when they're always on
about building a third runway,
they could just get
the one out of 1?
CALLY: Put a runway in a terminal.
Yeah. Yeah, just do that.
Has anybody here heard of
Terminal 6 at Heathrow?
Oh, is that the one you run at,
and if you're a wizard,
you get through?
No, that's 5 and a half!
It's supposedly reserved for
famous people, royals,
heads of state, and so on.
Have you been in it, Sandi?
I have never. It is a posh lounge
behind an unmarked door
in Terminal 5, apparently.
Sandi, when you fly, do you
get whisked off, like...?
Yeah.
..not with the normal people?
You have to pay.
It's £2,750 plus VAT.
Could any of us get whisked for...?
Anybody could get whisked,
anybody at all,
as long as you've got the money.
So you pay that on top of your
normal ticket? Yeah.
There's no shops there at all,
but, you know, big brands like
Dior will bring stuff to you.
And what I love is, you get
taken to the plane by a BMW.
So you have been whisked?
I've read and salivated.
Right, let's look at the scores.
Our winner today, leaving everyone
in their dust with nine points,
is Holly!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In second place, I'm not surprised,
with three points,
because it was an excellent
contribution, the audience!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In third place with -9,
it's Alan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Third's not bad.
In fourth place with -25,
Aisling.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And in last place,
broken down on the hard shoulder
with -30, it's Cally.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks to Cally and Aisling,
Holly and Alan,
and I leave you with this
from one of the greatest
motor racing drivers of all time,
Juan Manuel Fangio:
"Driving fast on the track
does not scare me.
"What scares me is when
I drive on the highway,
"I get passed by some idiot who
thinks he's Juan Manuel Fangio."
Thank you and goodnight.
APPLAUSE