QI (2003–…): Season 18, Episode 17 - QI VG: Series R Compilation - Part 1 - full transcript

Good evening.

And welcome to a truly remarkable,
rabble-rousing, absolutely ravenous,

really rather rude collection
of my favourite bits of business

from a series of QI
that's all about the letter R.

Here are a few Danish words
just to see if you can see

what they mean.

"Bag-slag"? "Bag-slag".

It's not funny to me at all?

What, "bag-slag"? No, it's bagslag.

Yes. And is it still a slapper?

Just politely!
Dancing round the handbag. Yeah!



Oh, Sandra, come away, you bag-slag!

No, it means backfire.

Bagslag.

So, then, what does...?
Isn't that what fart is?

Yeah, so does fart, yeah.

"Fart" is the Danish word for speed.

So you have to mind your fart.

What about the other one?

Anybody want to try?
Boghandel.

Yeah, how do you pronounce that one?

Boghandel. Bo-handle.

No, no. Boghandel.

Boghandel.

Bo-hand-a.



This is so fun!

"Bo" means book and "handel" is
the handler of the books,

so it's the book shop.

Boghandel. Book shop.

Yeah. Bog-handle.

So you'd go, "I need to go..."

Fart down to the book shop.
"..fart to the book shop."

"I want to read 50 Shades of Grey
because I'm a bag-slag."

Actually, this is one of
my favourite stories.

Does anybody remember Fabio?
Do you remember Fabio?

Oh, yeah. Sexy Fabio?

Sexy Fabio. Sexy Fabio.

There he is, sexy Fabio.

He was often on the, sort of,
cover of romance novels.

Anyway, he went on
a roller-coaster.

It was the inaugural ride of this
roller-coaster in Virginia.

Oh, I remember this.

This was in 1999 and he
killed a goose with his face.

What?!

What do you mean?!

Help!

Everyone thought it was hilarious.

Look at that girl behind him.

This is the thing.

"Oh, Fabio, even when you
do that, it's sexy." Yeah!

Weird question -
do geese like roller-coasters?

No, the goose flew at his face.
It flew into his face.

Here's the thing, is that we're not
really sure whether the goose flew

into the roller-coaster
and then hit Fabio...

"That looks like Fabio, isn't it?"

"It could be, you know."

"He's moving!"

Anyway, he said afterwards,

he said, "It was very dangerous
to go on roller-coasters.

"This was clearly not a freak
accident and it would happen again."

As far as we know, it hasn't.

"This is going to happen again.

"It's a ticking time..."

I reckon, if a bird did fly
in his face, at that speed,

he'd have had much more
serious damage than that.

It was probably pulling up,
wasn't it?

Whoa! Whoa!

I imagine it was right on the belly.

If it was this soft
behind of a goose...

Yeah.
..then perhaps that would have...

You mean he was pursuing the goose?
He was pursuing...

"Get off, Fabio! Get off!"

And then it just went up a loop,
and went right round.

How I wish you two had been
the detectives on this case.

"I'm coming for you!"

"Hey, ladies, watch me get this
goose on my nose. Watch this."

Voo-voo-voo-voo-voof!

"This could happen again."

How would you sell a house right
next to a nuclear power plant?

How do you sell it?
How do you sell it? Yeah,
how would you sell it? Rightmove?

I don't know, I mean, estate agent?

Yes, go to the estate agent.

Well, when you take photographs...

Yeah. ..face the other way. Yes.

And then try and distract people.

You are exactly right.

Have a look at this. This is 2009.

This was a charming, three-bedroom,
Kent cottage that was for sale.

The estate agent
failed to mention the view

if you stood behind the house.

Let's just have a look at the view.
There we are.

Wow!

It's 100 yards from
Dungeness Nuclear Power Station -

one of the largest nuclear
power stations in Europe -

and they didn't mention it.

When they were asked
about it, they said,

"The thing is, anywhere on Dungeness
is close to the power station."

And if the nuclear power station
are out, you have to collect
their deliveries as well.

Yes!

"Could you hold on to this glowing
box for 12 hours?"

Well, we've all done
a motorway mooney.

We haven't all done a
motorway mooney, Holly Walsh.

It's just you. OK, fine.
Who's done a motorway mooney?

Have you done a motorway mooney?

No.

Please say, "No."

You need to back me up here.
You must have done one.

It was in France. It wasn't here.

Oh, that doesn't count?

It's different. An autoroute booty.

I thought,
"No-one will know it's me."

I was on my own.

I wouldn't take my trousers
off in front of anyone.

You were on your own?
Were you driving?

How does that work?

I'm a very talented driver.

I was going to say!

Although, I was being taught how to
drive a tractor once by a farmer...

Right... and I hadn't realised
that the farmer had jumped off.

How could you not notice?
There's not doors, or anything.

He was stood on the
outside and we were talking,

and I thought,
"He's been quiet for a while."

He'd fallen to his death!

We had done gone quite a long way,

and he hadn't yet
taught me how to stop it.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Well, I had to crash into a barn.

You began this story by saying,
"I have many skills."

And then the first thing you say
is you drove a tractor into a barn.

What comes next in this sequence?

That actually looks like Take
That just before Robbie left.

Very good.

Which end are we adding to?
We're adding to the right.

What's the next one?

Is it vomit? It is vomit, darling.

It's known as BARF. Yeah.

It's the Baxter Animated
Retching Faces.

Mm. Hm. Ha. Huh.

Arghh!

What it is, it's used for children

so, when they've got nausea
and they can't explain exactly

how bad they feel... Oh.

..then you use this, usually
with a computer screen so the user

can kind of scroll up and down,

and stop at the one that describes
how they're feeling.

I need to bring that and give
it to my friends for nights out.

"I don't...
Hi, darling. I'm bo-..."

"Oh, is she going to go?" "Darling,
point!" "Ey?" "Point! Point!"

"She's about to spew."
"Hold my hair, John. Hold..."

"You're all right, darling.
You're fine."

"You're all right."
"I'm so sorry."

"It's OK. We still love you."
"I'm so sorry..."

"She'll be fine. She'll be fine."

"Once I get it out, I can go again."

"Yeah." "It's preventative."

"That's why we love you."

"Am I still pretty, John?"

"Yeah, you're always pretty."

"Wipe that off a bit. There you go."

"Best friend I've ever had, John."

"She'll be fine."

This is classic me.

It's normally, "Aisling!"

"Yeah-huh?"

"Aisling!"

"Be out in two minutes."

"Just say something so we know
you're not dead, love."

"I'm not dead, love."

Bridget knows some farmers, or
knew some farmers until they died.

You knew Afarmer.
The one who fell off the tractor.

Was he OK, by the way?

Oh, he was just, like,
waving from two fields away.

Did you hurt yourself
when he went into the barn?

Or did you come out the other
side with a cow on the front?

It was the worst
three days of my life.

You were driving it
round for three days?!

No... For three days,
you couldn't find the brakes?

Going round and round
like Father Ted.

No, I thought there was more to
life than working in an office,

so I thought,
"Oh, I'll be a farm hand."

Just drive for three days?

No, that was the job
on the second day,

but I'd already had to
milk cows with my hand.

Did you do the third day
for being a farmer?

I said, "I'm not cut out for
this, I'm really sorry."

So, day one,
they make you milk a cow.

Day two, they taught you how
to drive, but not stop, a tractor.

What was the third one? They
were like, "There's a haystack.

"Somewhere in it's a
needle. Good luck."

I've just remembered the
worst thing... There's more?

Yeah. When I was milking the cow,
they know from your touch

if you're new.

You're in, like, a swimming pool
that doesn't have water in it.

They don't make you swim
and milk them at the same time.

It's just so you're on the
level with their feet,

and you're here going,
"Oh, come on."

And the cow's tail went up,
and it pooed all over me,

because it was new and it...
Why were you behind it?

No, I was underneath it.

You should have
stood to the side.

No, that's still not the worst...
That's STILL not the worst bit?

The worst bit is that the farmer
made me stand in the courtyard

while he hosed me down with a hose.

That's abuse.
That's what I thought.

I thought, "Oh, I'm sure
I'm sure it's all off now."

Alan.
Yeah?

What is your buzzer?

What's red and roughy?

Ooh!
Ooh, hello!

Who's allowed that photograph
to be taken of themselves?

That's mine.

When I did Strictly Come Dancing,
they said, "It's in high
definition,

"and you wear a leotard."

And I thought, "Got it."

What they were saying was,

"Please do something."

Because the first time I got
the fitting, I was wearing shorts,

and so I had to go, for the very
first time, at the age of 43,

for a bikini wax, and it was
the most terrifying thing

that's ever happened
in my entire life. It really was.

It was exposing and strange,
and afterwards, I was so cold.

To be fair, Susan, if somebody
suggested you have a wax

if you're wearing shorts...

"These are going to
get shorter, babe.

"Unless we are transporting
tarantulas, I think, er..."

Isn't it one of
those things as well,

when you've been married for
17 years, and you just kind of

stop caring because neither of
you is going to find anyone else,

so you just kind of let
it all kind of join up?

But it's also knowing
what's in vogue

if you haven't been on the
"market" for a while, isn't it?

Because, you know, I've been with
my partner for 20-plus years,

and back then,
it was plaits and beads.

Sort of Willie Nelson, if you will.

So, erm, did you...?

OK.

Did you go...?
What's the thing? Bermudan?

What's the thing?
Bermudan!

A Bermuda triangle,
where everything disappears!

Just a ship disappeared up there.

Pilots walking out.

World War II pilots...
"What year is it?"

"The things I seen!"
What's it called when you have...?

Brazilian.
Brazilian!

Not Bermudan Triangle, Brazilian!

So, the Hollywood's nothing.
The Brazilian's the strip.

And then there's something where you
just go, "Just make me a bit..."

The Macclesfield.

"Sod it!"

"Deal with that!"

We... We... Moving along...

Enough! Enough! The question
was, "What's red and roughy?"

And it has nothing to do
with these pants at all.

Why are we looking
at this picture, then?

It was meant to spark conversation
and, weirdly, it did.

I've only once played roulette,
and in extraordinary circumstance.

It was quite recently.

My wife and I went for our
wedding anniversary to Barbados.

We were on the beach, sun was
setting, wonderful golden sand,

and this little old wizened lady
came teetering along the beach

towards us. And it wasn't till she
got to about here that we realised

it was actually Mick Jagger.

This is a true story.

And it turned out he was a really
enthusiastic viewer of Countdown,

so he knew who I was,
and I obviously knew who he was,

and my wife was quite excited.

So, anyway, we went off for
the evening, and we went to a casino

with Mick Jagger, and he very
sweetly gave us the chips,

and of course, we lost, but
it didn't seem to bother him,

which was fantastic.

That's amazing!
Lovely.

There's this really bad Chris
de Burgh song about a death train.

Is there?
Yeah.

Go on.

# And I said, Lord... #

No, because I did this before

with Joseph And The
Technicolour Dreamcoat,

and it ended up
all over the internet.

No, do it again.

# I said, Lord, oh, Lord,
don't let him in

# The sun is down
and the night is coming in

# That train is dead on time

# Many souls are on the line

# Oh, Lord, don't let him win. #

That's not going anywhere.

We're going to play
a game of Beer Hunter.

OK, so I have four cans.

OK, so...
I don't like the look of this.

That's Mark's.

OK.

OK. So here's one for you.
Here's one for you.

That's for Phill,
and then you have that one.

There we go.
Thank you.

OK, let's have a go at opening them.
Sara, you want to go first?

Yeah, I'm going to do some tapping
first. Do some tapping?

Think that's going to help?
Well, this is an Essex trick.

OK. You want me to open mine?
Yes, please.

Go.

OK. So not that one. Alan?

Oh!
OK, not that one. Mark?

Well, the more this game goes on,
the worst feeling I have about it.

No? OK.

Phill?
Wow.

Phill?

What could this man
do in 28 seconds?

Where's the silly
laughter coming from?

Who's sniggering
at the back of the class?

He's Scottish.
His name is Robert Liston.

19th century. 19th century?
He was a surgeon.

He was a surgeon,
famed for his speed.

He could amputate
a leg in 28 seconds.

That's too quick.
Yeah.

I feel like I could
do it quicker, actually.

What's that, half a second?

No, but you have to tie
all the veins together.

Oh, you've got to finish the job?
Yeah, you've got to finish it off.

His catchphrase was,
"Time me, gentlemen."

So...

In those days, theatres
were called that for a reason,

because people sold tickets,
and there were spectators,

so what happened on this
one particular occasion,

it did not go all that well, one
time he accidentally chopped off

a patient's testicles
along with his leg.

No!
Too high up the leg.

I know, right?
Too high!

On one occasion,
he was doing the amputation,

so you have to imagine
he has to be fast,

because there's no anaesthetic.
Yeah. He brought the knife down,

he managed to sever three
of his assistant's fingers.

And as he brought it back up,
he slashed the cloak of a spectator.

The patient and the assistant
both died later of gangrene.

Their wounds became infected,
and the story is that

the spectator died of fright because
he thought he had been stabbed.

It is the only operation on record
with a 300% mortality rate.

So...
Did he lose his licence?

No, darling. People queued up
to see him, they absolutely did,

because his mortality
rate was one in seven,

and... One in seven?!
Well, the average was one in four.

So, you know. But to the idea that
people don't make mistakes now,

let me tell you, in 2019,
a hospital in Leicester

paid out £20,000 to a man
they had circumcised by mistake.

He'd gone in for a procedure
on his bladder. No!

He said he got distracted
chatting to the nurses.

What?
Yeah.

So he didn't notice he was
having the wrong operation

until it was too late.

He described it as
"a real surprise."

20 grand, though.

I'd take it.

I went to the IMAX to watch Gravity.
with Sandra Bullock.Right.

Is this a film, darling?

Because that just sounds like
a really boring thing to do.

It's a film.

You and Sandra Bullock
watching gravity.

You can't tell me...

Wow!

"Sandra! Sandra!"

"Sandra! Oh!"

I mean, you wouldn't need
to go to the IMAX, surely.

"Sandra! Sandra!

"Look at that!"

I rarely stand up for myself.

You cannot tell me that
the star of Miss Congeniality

and Miss Congeniality 2:
Armed And Fabulous,

could not make me
interested by doing that.

But it was a film about space.

It was just her.
She was in her pants and vest.

That's irrelevant to the story.
She was in Gravity.

She was there. I was right up
close because I couldn't get seats

because I was late in booking.

It's huge.
It's the size of this entire studio.

Why couldn't you get seats?
You know Sandra Bullock.

I've not understood this story.

I'm there, I'm sitting,
she's right in front of me.

It was so realistic that I
vomited on myself in the cinema

because I felt like I was
in space with Sandra Bullock,

who's a real person,
who was not doing that,

she was trying to escape.

Humans would be
described as radiators

because 60% of our body heat
leaves us through radiation.

So the heat is transferred to
blood vessels at the body's surface.

Has she got hot boobs or cold boobs?

I'd say those tits
are hot, I would say.

Is she a mermaid?

She's covering her modesty as if...

He's not.

No, he's... He's very happy
with himself, isn't he?

Anyway, so we radiate heat all the
time, so we are a form of radiator.

Toucans radiate even more,
and they are astonishing.

So they use those big bills,
which you would think was

just to attract mates or to identify
toucans of the same species.

Tell you what, Sandi, my radiators
have led to quite big bills.

I like that. I like that.

Very, very good wordplay.

Double meaning, double
meaning of bills, you see.

That really should have got a...

Have you ever had TWO CANS of beer?

Oh.

So fickle.

There was a man who said
that women at 50 are invisible.

Not to men who are 54.

Certainly in a restaurant,
that is true.

Have you tried popping one tit out
and seeing if they can see you then?

Just the one. No need to
come across as loose or fast.

At a certain age, Aisling,
I don't want to compare boobage,

but they just sort of
fall out and drag with you.

You've got to be very careful.

Oh, like you could pop it out
under your skirt. Yeah, anywhere.

You have to pop it out,
and then you have to go, "Oh!

"Oh! Oh!

"Oh, yeah, I'll have soup..."

My forebear, Jeremiah Brandreth,
was a revolutionary,

and the last person to be beheaded
in this country for treason.

I think we have a picture,
actually, of Jeremiah.

There he is.
He was part of the Pendrick... 1817.

He was a revolutionary.
He began as a Luddite.

He realised that the
Industrial Revolution was going to

make people lose their jobs.

He was determined to overthrow
the government of the day.

And, anyway, he led this
revolution up in Derbyshire.

He was known as the Nottingham
Captain, and was arrested,

put on trial, and was not just
hanged, but he was then beheaded.

Yes.
Because he was a traitor.

Because they wanted
to show the head.

I think he was already dead
by the time he was beheaded.

Now, we were trying to see
the family likeness in this,

so we've done a little
bit of Photoshopping

just to see how that would look.

So there you are.

Uncanny!
Uncanny.

I do think, darling, if you were
ever beheaded, just as they lifted

the head up, you'd be going,
"I've got one more story."

"You know, the head can live
on for another 15 sec..."

Which is better - symmetrical
knees or symmetrical nostrils?

Ooh! I know. Who would've
thought there was a choice?

Which is better?
Yeah. Which is better?

I'd say knees.
Why would you say knees?

To have your face exactly
the same on both sides

would actually be really
odd, wouldn't it? Yeah.

I thought the height of beauty
was having a symmetrical face.

OK, let's have a look at
ourselves with symmetrical faces.

Oh, God.
Here we are.

This is...

This is the left side of
your faces replicated.

It's had more impact
than your hairdo.

I look terrifying.
I look like a chipmunk.

That's our left sides.
Let's have a look at our right sides

and see
if we think that's any better.

That's amazing!

Christ, you're straight
out of Star Trek.

"I come in peace."

That is the weirdest thing. Alan,
you don't look like yourself at all.

Oh, look, at Alan. I feel really
sad for him there. I don't know why.

Does anybody know what the world
record is for catching shuttlecocks

with a pair of chopsticks?

I have got a racquet
and a shuttlecock.

We're going to give this a go.

OK, who wants to go first?
Sure.

You going up?

Oh, almost!

Yeah. Aisling, you want a go?
Yeah. Ready? OK.

No.

Phill, get ready.

Oh!
Alan.

Maybe it's not catching it.
You have to stab it a little bit.

I don't know what's the easiest
thing. If I send it high...

Well, why don't...?
Go high, go high.

So this is a thing.

Do you know what the
world record is? 4,000.

"Exterminate Jelly Babies."

"Darling, don't say that!
What a lovely basket you've got."

"Argh!" "Mother!" "Argh!" "Mother!"

"Exterminate!"

"Oh, no, it's come back as a woman."

Oh, my God. Give a bunch
of performers too much sugar...

Oh!

But I didn't hit it to you.

But you didn't say that
you HAD to hit it to me.

No, it's the world record
for catching a shuttlecock,

but I've got to send it to you.

OK, try now. Try now.

Now you've got the hang of it,
I will... I'm going to stand up.

I'll do a gentler one. You ready?
Ready.

Yes!

I did Celebrity Million Pound Drop.

Did you win? Yeah, we won.
We won, like, 25 grand.

Me and Alex from Last Leg.

The last bundle, isn't it?
You what?

25 grand is the last...
You lost loads.

You had one bundle of cash left,

and I know this because I did that
programme, and I also won 25 grand.

We lost 450 grand on, "What was
the first flavour of crisps?"

You've got to go like
this with piles of money.

It's all for charity.
It's all for charity.

It wasn't once you'd finished.

My favourite way to open a
champagne bottle is with...

A sword.
..a sword. Indeed.

Oh, my gosh.
Ho-ho!

So I would like to introduce you
to someone who can do just that.

Please welcome
Julian the Magnificent.

Oh!
Oh, my gosh!

Julian, am I right? You are a member
of La Confrerie du Sabre d'Or.

Is that right? I am.
Have I said it correctly?

You have indeed,
and I'm the ambassador emeritus.

Isn't that fantastic?

Oh, ambassador, you are spoiling us.

How did you come to
be able to do this?

Well, I get a thirst around
about 11.00 every morning.

Yes. Absolutely.

So I take out a bottle of
champagne and one of my sabres,

and I remove the top,
and Bob's your uncle.

Now, here's the thing.

I was told that,
for health and safety reasons,

we cannot actually do this.

Oh, come on!

However, if you all agree,
should we just do it?

Yeah!

"Do you remember we were there
the night at the studio

"when Sandi Toksvig lost her hand?"

Can I just be really clear? You're
not going to extract the cork,

you're actually going to...

I shall remove the glass annulus
and the cork together.

Oh, my God! OK. Are you OK
to stand this close?

No problem at all, because I'm going
to be shooting it over there.

OK! All right.

That is a gentleman!
That is a gentleman!

We've all heard that before.
A gentleman warns you.

"You'll be fine,
I'll shoot over there."

Do not try this at home.

You go ahead. Yeah.
Off we go.

So magnificent, Julian!

Look at that!
Fair play, I mean...

Don't touch the top,
because it's sharp, obviously...

But you could drink that?

You could drink that perfectly,
because no glass will go inside.

As you quite rightly said earlier,

the pressure is about
five times, actually.

OK. And it will just
shoot any glass away.

Can I learn how to do it?
You can indeed.

OK.
Sandi!

It takes three seconds.
Let's do it.

Three seconds?!

"Do you remember you were there the
night Alan Davies lost his hand?"

You're right-handed, Sandi?
I'm right-handed, yes.

Take your left hand...
My left hand, yes.

..with your thumb up the punt.
"Thumb up the punt"? Punt, yes.

Not the first time.

There you are.OK.
"Champagne?" Oh, it's quite heavy.

Right, now the art of sabrage - you
never take the blade off the glass.

No.
It's a shaving motion.

You go straight up there, and
follow through. Don't stop.Right.

Take the glass annulus and the cork
with it. With the sword in this...?

But never take the
blade off the glass.

OK. The straighter you
get it, the more...

Can you hold the bottle as well?
I'll do that for you. Why not? OK.

Off you go.
It's terrifying.

Oh, my God!

That was amazing!