QI (2003–…): Season 18, Episode 14 - R Animals - full transcript

*Q I*
Season 18 Episode 14 IMDB
S18E13 Video Release

Episode Title: "R-Animals"
Aired on: January 07, 2021

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to QI.

Tonight we'll be regaling you with
remarkable research regarding

animals starting with the letter R.

And we'll be doing it with these
magnificent beasts.

A rollicking rockfish,
Maggie Aderin-Pocock.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A roguish Rottweiler, Ed Gamble.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



A ravenous raven, Tom Allen.

Oh, a ravenous raven,
that's who I am.

And Roger my Rabbit, Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's hear
their beastly buzzers.

Maggie goes...

ROARING

You bet!
Yeah, that's very good.

Ed goes.

FROG CROAKS

Fair enough, yeah.
Yeah. Tom?

MONKEYS CHATTER

That's what's happening
inside my head all the time.

Alan goes...



WHALE SONG

What animal do you reckon it was?

It sort of sounds like a blue whale,
surely?

KLAXON SOUNDS

I mean, what kind of boy
doesn't know his blue whale

from his humpback?

Oh, a humpback, of course.

Right, now, today's show all about
animals but, Maggie,

you work on The Sky At Night,
you're a scientist,

you're always looking up into space.

What animal can you see here,
if I show you this picture?

There are people in the world,
mostly Japan, China,

other Far Eastern countries.
Ah, yeah. Ooh, ooh... Rabbit?

It is. It is a rabbit.
I can't see it myself.

Tom, are you seeing rabbit?
What do you reckon?

I feel like it's when somebody shows
you their baby scan.

Yes. And you go like,
"Oh, yeah, that's...

"Wow! It looks just like you!"

It's just like...
It just looks like that.

Yeah. No, I can't see anything.

Sometimes even when the baby's
been born,

you think, "No, I'm still not..."

Just, "What's that?"
Like a turnip.

I don't see it,
but we can superimpose...

Oh, please superimpose.
..the thing on the top of it.

Oh, yeah.And then.
See? I mean, that's. Yeah. What?

Even that doesn't look
like a rabbit.

It looks like a sorrowful rabbit.

It looks like the rabbit's going,
"Oh, I'm on the Moon.

"I've no friends."

It looks like a map of the UK
in a high wind. Yeah.

It looks like a rabbit trying to do
a magic trick

where it pulls a smaller rabbit out
of a hat.Yes.

Apparently it's meant to be a mortar
and pestle and it's grinding,

I don't know, herbs for the gods.

In some stories the rabbit
is a companion

of the Goddess of the Moon,
who's called Chang'e,

the Chinese Goddess of the Moon.

She floated up to the Moon
after drinking too much

elixir of immortality.

Oh. Oh, I've...
I've had that evening.

Yeah. I've been there.
People who peddle these things,

do you think
they ever run out of steam?

"She floated up to the... oh,
it doesn't matter."Yeah.

She was married to a celebrated
archer, who was called Hou Yi,

and it was too hot.

There were ten suns in the sky,
and he shot nine of them

out of the sky,
so that we only had one left.

And the goddess in charge was
so thrilled with this

that she gave him the elixir
of immortality,

but only enough for one.

So he thought, "I'm not
leaving my wife, that's not nice,"

so he put it under the bed.
She drank it. Yeah. Ooh...

I know, it's not a happy marriage
story, is it? Not really.

They couldn't split it?

Well, anyway,
she floated off to the Moon,

because he was so cross with her.
Oh. Wow.

That's a bitof a downer,
that story, OK.

What do they think the Moon is?

I mean,
does she think you get up there

and it's like sort of a
Four Seasons hotel or something?

Well, it's a really good question,
what do you think the Moon is?

Because the Samoan people believe
that there was a girl called Sina,

and she was a beautiful girl
who thought that the Moon

was made of breadfruit
and there was a terrible famine,

and so she asked the Moon to come
and feed her.

The Moon was annoyed,
so it kidnapped Sina into the sky.

And so she lives in the Moon.
It's crowded up there, isn't it?

Terribly busy. Everybody living
up there.It's terribly busy.

So she thought the Moon
was breadfruit?Yes, she did.

So she asked the breadfruit
to come to her

so she could eat the breadfruit?

And then the breadfruit kidnapped
her because it was annoyed?

"Hey, breadfruit!"
"Yes?"Yeah, yeah.

"Come down!" "Yeah, sure, OK."

MAGGIE: "Now you're coming with me!"
Yeah, exactly.

It's not a good story. When I see...
..when I hear about planets

with more than one moon,
I'm quite envious.

Like Jupiter has got several moons,
hasn't it?

Well over 60,
and we're finding more.

Well over 60? Oh, yeah. Oh. The
outer planets tend to sort of be...

..they're bigger and there's sort of
more gravity and stuff like that.

But, you see,
our moon is the best moon.Why?

Well, compared with Earth,
our moon is very big.

And so it helps protect us,
so asteroids, meteorites,

things like that, the Moon will take
some of those knocks.

You can see it on the craters.

So the Moon takes some of the knocks
for us.Like a bouncer.

Yeah, that's it. "Oi, step away.
Yeah, I'll take that. Move away."

If the Earth and the Moon perhaps
were formed at a similar time

and the Earth is in the Goldilocks
zone with the water

and the environment
and the atmosphere. Yes.

And so is the Moon,
but the Moon, nothing. No.

A really harsh environment.

But the Moon's so much smaller.

If you took the surface
area of the Moon,

it's about... Slightly smaller than
the surface area of Asia.

So it's quite small in comparison.

And also, being small, it's got lots
less gravity, and so, yeah,

if it did ever have an atmosphere,
it's long gone.

So it's the size and the lack
of gravity

that stops it forming an atmosphere?
Yeah. Also, as a result,

it means the sun's rays blast it
really hard.

And so, for instance,

the temperature on the moon
goes from minus 150 to plus 150.

So in...
Oh, I had a boiler like that once.

Just can't get it right.No.
Nothing in the middle.

So, tell me something, while we're
delving into your knowledge here,

if there was an actual
rabbit on the Moon... Yes?

...would we have been able to
detect it, in theory,

if we had had the Planck spacecraft?
Yes.

Am I right that they were able to
detect variations in temperature...

Yes...to, like, a millionth
of a degree? Yes.

So you could, through temperature,
have picked up a rabbit on the Moon?

Yes, but assuming a rabbit
could survive on the Moon,

and maintain its temperature,
then it could have picked it up.

Right. Sorry, I'm getting
so carried away.I know.

No, we want people... No, I'm quite
interested in this stuff.

Generally on this show
we know nothing,

so this is a very exciting
move into actual facts.

At the moment this feels
like the morning of a science exam

and Maggie is the only child
who's done any revision.

I've done more than you guys!

There may be some actual animals
living on the Moon,

that is a possibility,

so in 2019 an Israeli spacecraft
crash landed on the Moon.

The payload contained tardigrades.
Do you know about tardigrades?

Yeah, water bears.

Yes. Yes. Argh!

Oh! Very, very robust.

They were encapsulated,
I think, in amber,

but they can hibernate for sort
of decades at a time.

And they can experience
sort of very cold temperatures.

So they could survive.

They could bring them back to Earth
and see if they sort of wake up.

They're amazing,
they're micro animals.

Do you not think they're
extraordinary?

I think they're kind of cute,
actually.

No, it's horrible. It's like some
horrible alien dick pic.

Let's Google that,
"horrible alien dick pic."Dick pic.

See what comes up.

They were desiccated, the ones
that landed on the moon.

Presumably if they... Like coconut?
Yes, darling, exactly like coconut.

I'm going to... Chewy, but.
Delicious.

If you drop you drop them in water,
whether they'd come back to life.

I don't know enough about
tardigrades.

Tom, this is not Bake Off.

Right. How might small pants
affect your sex life?

Oh, my!Any thoughts?

I'm very much enjoying the dungaree
version on the far left.

I don't know quite what he's going
to put in that pocket.

Yeah. Yeah. What's going to go in
there? But imagine if a...

If a painter/decorator turned up
dressed in that,

you'd be like, "Oh, no, you're not
taking this seriously at all."

I don't think you would be either,
darling. No.

I have a little prop here
to see if this assists you.

So I'm talking about very, very
small pants, OK

Aww!

These are polyester underpants
and they have been used to -

not these particular ones,
obviously -

but pants this size used
examining the sex life.

You're not asking how it would
affect my sex life?

It would, it might. Those might?
Notthese ones, but...

Well, I'd imagine...
I bet they would!

It would completely destroy it,
I'd imagine, Sandi.

This is a pair of tiny trousers,
a little bit like the ones

that were used by an Egyptian
neurologist called Ahmed Shafik,

and he wanted to study
the impact of various textile

materials on the sex life of rats,
OK?

Oh.Why might he think that this
was a good idea?

Funding?

Yes, it's how you get...
how you get grants, isn't it?

Research grant?Yeah.

Well, rats are quite similar
to humans, well, in some ways.

We often use them...
Well, "we," - I don't, no.No.

They have been used. They have been
used, yes.That's absolutely right.

So they had different groups
of male rats

and some of them
had tiny pants made of wool,

some had cotton, some had polyester.

Some had a polyester/cotton mix,
which I don't approve of, darling.

Oh, no, that sounds very sweaty.
Yes.

And then there was a control group

who were obviously commando,
clearly. Of course, yes.

Clearly the commando rats.
Letting it out there. Yeah.Yeah.

And I don't know if I can say
it on here,

but they had little
openings made for the anus

and for the penis and for the tail.

You've said it,
you just said it straight out.

I know, did it sound all right?
Yeah, it sounded fine.

You really ran with it.
Fine. Yeah. I just...

You're saying it with
a pair of tweezers in your hand.

I know, I was trying to...

Didn't want to touch it.

Have you got a picture of a rat
wearing those?

Sort of, "Hey!"
No. Unfortunately, we don't.

Samuel Whiskers is the best that we
could do wearing a pair of pants.

Anyway, the rats were selected
based on their high potency, OK?

Ooh-hoo!I know.

And so they had their sexual
activity...

They fill in a form.

"High potency?" "High."
"Oh, yes, that's me."

So they had their sexual activity
checked four times.

So it was once before the study,

then once after six months
of wearing the pants, whichever.

Six months of wearing the pants?!
I know, wow.

And then once after 12 months
of wearing the pants. 12 months?!

And then finally, at six months
after the pants had been removed.

So these are the four
times that they checked.

A year of wearing the same pants,
what were they, students?

So here's the bit of the graph
that I don't care for.

It's the insertion to mount ratio.

TOM GASPS

So, the control group, the wool
group and the cotton group,

didn't seem to make any bloody
difference to them at all.

Their sex life seemed
exactly the same.

They don't have to take their
pants off, they're ready to go?

No, there's a hole...
I tried to show you. Oh, yeah.

A little... Don't make her do it
again, Alan, it's very unpleasant.

If their partner's got the tweezers,
they're all right?Yes, exactly.

How do the pants with
the hole in the front and the back

for the tail relate to human
trousers?

Because I've only got two to three
pairs of trousers

with a hole in the
front and the back.

No, so what I'm saying is, the wool
was fine, the cotton was fine,

the commando, they were all fine.

It's the polyester and polyester mix
pants. We said that.

So they showed an increase
in attempted mounts,

but a decrease in successful
insertion. Oh.

Is it because they just
slid right off?

MAGGIE: "Wheeee!"
Well, it may...

Was the other rat wearing
polyester as well and just...?

"Wahey! Wow" Terrible friction.
Get a bit of friction there.

It could cause a fire.
Yeah, there was a...

Does anybody remember nylon sheets?
That was a very bad idea.

You got into bed
and slid out the other side.

If you did it in the dark, you could
stroke them and they'd spark up.

Spark up? Really?!
Yeah, it is, like a light show.

So, darling, this is some
of the issues

with these polyester pants, right...
Oh, really?!

...is that it generated electrostatic
charges in the scrotal area.

Do you see how I'm saying
all of these things?

Oh, everything about that
is so sexy. Yeah.

I'm going to Google that one first!

Wow! When you say things like that,
Sandi,

I mean, I don't know if they'll
be able to broadcast this.

It was very good, I...

Electrostatic
charges in the scrotal area.

I'm just committing it to memory.

I'm going to make up a poem.
I'm going to use that one.

I've never seen a pornographic film.
Do they have voice-over?

I could do the voice-over. I think
that... I think you just did.

No, they don't have voice-over.
I wish they did have voice-over.

Do you think it's like a David
Attenborough nature documentary?

"And here we have the plumber."

"No, that's not the tool I thought
he meant at all!"

Surely there's audio description?

Pornography for the
visually impaired.

It's possible that this
electrostatic field,

I'm trying to be serious about it,

is responsible for reduced
sexual success.

That is the possibility. Well, it
would put you off, wouldn't it?

Yes. With the light and sparks.
So why...?

Yeah, the sparks coming off it,
I think I'd probably say,

actually, "Let's just have
an early night."

"Another time." Let's, yeah.

So anyway, you know,
don't wear them.

I think that's fundamentally
what we're saying.

Or do wear them, if you want
an electric shock in your balls.

Anyway, moving on.

What is powdered rhino horn used
for in traditional Chinese medicine?

I'm going for it. ROARING

Yes? Aphrodisiac?

KLAXON SOUNDS

Oh. I know, I know.

Ah.ED: Yeah, that's obviously
what we were all thinking.

Yeah. But I'm always thinking that
with everything.Are you?

"That could be an aphrodisiac,
I'll give that a go."

In official Chinese traditional
medicine, rhino horn -

or xi jiao - has never been
prescribed as a sexual stimulant.

It's a myth which the western media
seems happy to run with,

and it's not true at all.

Most often seems to be
prescribed for fever.

But there's a whole list of things
that you might suggest it for.

I imagine the horn,
if it wasn't powdered,

I imagine the horn could be quite
a sexual stimulant.

What, so you could just literally
say, "I've got the horn?"

Yeah.Yeah. Da-da!

Is that where that comes from?
Here it is!Got the horn? No.

In these socially distanced times,
it might be better.

Oh, Alan! Here's a rhino horn!

What are you doing there,
Harry Potter?

What are you doing,
conducting the Proms?

I haven't got the point... The
pointy end's pointing out.Right.

I want... and I'm...
Tempting a woman.

Yeah, I'm being tempting.
It doesn't have to be a woman,

could be a rhino.
But being very alluring.

I don't think a rhino
would be tempted

by the disembodied horn
of its friend.

That's Uncle Albert!

"Come on!"

You go, "There's a rhino over
there," and they come over

and then they think,
"Well, actually, now I'm here."

Have a look at all these diseases
that in traditional Chinese medicine

they reckon you can cure
with some rhino horn.

Of which my favourite, I think, is,
"The evil miasma of hill streams."

Classic, yeah.
When you get it, it's...

That's very bad.
Can't get rid of it.

Although rectal bleeding... Well,
you would get that with a rhino.

Yeah. Yeah.

China isn't the only culture

to attribute special properties
to the rhino horn.

So the Greeks believed that you
could detect poisons if you drank,

because it would produce bubbles,
or by the horn changing colour.

So there may be something
in the poison detection thing,

because rhino horn is mostly
made of keratin,

and it chemically reacts with strong
alkaline solutions,

which many poisons are.

But it's a nonsense, isn't it,
the medicinal thing?Yeah.

I mean, they did a study in 1990
at the Hong Kong University,

and they used very large
doses of rhino horn and it very...

Again rats, very slightly lowered
fever in them, but not worth it,

I think, to kill a rhino to get
a rat to feel a tiny bit better.

The trade-off is not good. Just take
its pants off, it'll be fine.

Call me an animal rights mad person,
but I think that's probably...

Put some cotton briefs on.

You'll be right as rain.

But the reason that they come to
a point is that the outer keratin

is softened by the sun,
and then it's worn away

when they clash horns and rub and
so on, and the solid core remains.

And if their horns were hard
all the way through,

then it would have
a cylindrical horn,

it wouldn't be shaped in any way.

If they looked after it,
they could have like a Coke can,

a little stump.It would look great!

A flat top.Yeah. Yes.

"Just back off, I'm growing this!"
Yeah.

"I don't want one of those pointy
ones, I want a stumpy one."

Well, there are some that have a
different shape to it,

because most of them tend to grow
in that shape

and that's because keratin...
Look at him!

The keratin on the front grows
faster than the keratin in the back.

But you do see the occasional rhino
with a forward curving horn.

Oh.And this one just looks
depressed, doesn't it?

Because it's always...

Yeah, it's like he had a normal horn
and then it went, "Oooh!"

I know! Aww!

Right. Which part of a race horse
anatomy needs to be really big

if it's going to win?

His nose.

KLAXON SOUNDS

A long nose is going to get you
there first.Yeah.

Well, it depends how long, right?
Yeah. But ahead by a nose.

A couple of feet.Yeah.

And just the whole length
of the track and just go...

Yeah. Yeah.I don't think this one's
a winner, particularly. No.

But... It can read though, so.Yeah.

What's the feature that most
directly links

to success on the track?

Oh, is it...?

It'll be testicles or something
again, won't it?

KLAXON SOUNDS

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that wouldn't work at all,
if...No.

If you had big testicles, that would
be like bongos going down the track.

Yeah. It would be like that

executive toy, wouldn't it?
When they...

Yeah, true,
and the jockey gets relaxed.

Yes. Yes, or if they
swing up and hit you on the head,

I mean none of it's...
None of it's...

No, darling, not testicles.

It's not that, OK, fine.
Anybody else? Anybody?

Lungs? Sort of capacity? Oh.

It is sort of to do with lungs.
It's... ED: Brain.

So it can outfox the rest
of the competitors.

Takes the short cut round!

It is to do with
the size of the heart. Ah.

So the way that gamblers
used to predict...

Are you... Do you follow
the horses at all?

Do you ever bet on the horses?

Your name's Gamble,
that's why she's asking you.Yes.

That was quite accusatory,
"Do you follow horses?"

No, sorry.
"No, I just leave them alone."

Well, I love a bit of a gamble,
but I don't know anything about it.

But it used to be whether the horse
was from good stock,

so whether the parents
or the siblings

had won lots and lots of races -

but, in fact,
they did some analysis.

There's a man called Jeff Seder,
he's a racehorse analyst.

So he collected
lots of data from young racehorses

and about how many races
they had won,

and the size of the left ventricle
was the most telling physical trait.

So the left ventricle
is obviously the bit

that pumps oxygen back out
into the body, right? Oh.

Right ventricle puts it back
into the lungs,

but then pumps it out into the body.

And the size was the most
critical thing.

So he examined them all
using ultrasound.

Not surgery, because
that would be... Yes.

That would be...
"This one was great!"Yeah.

"He would have been really fast!"

And it led him to predict

the greatness of a horse
called American Pharoah.

It was an extraordinary horse, went
on to win the 2015 Triple Crown,

which is a sort of Grand Slam
of racehorsing success.

So this is American Pharoah.

And there was also a famous
racehorse called Phar Lap,

he was a sort of national celebrity
in Australia

during the Great Depression.

And it was discovered
he had a heart

that was twice the size
of an average horse.

In fact, that heart is now displayed
in the National Museum of Australia.

I do hope they have other
things, as well, because...

It just doesn't...

The most successful racehorses are
the ones with the biggest hearts.

When the ravens leave the Tower
of London, where do they go?

They're not allowed to leave,
are they?

The throw of the monarchy, or...
I think something horrible happens.

Yeah, is it kingdom of rule?
Well, it's a myth.

So the notion is that they've
consistently lived at the Tower

since the reign of Charles II

and that he was warned the Crown
would fall if the ravens ever left.

In fact, the earliest record that we
can find of ravens at the Tower

only goes back as far as 1895,

and probably it was to do with
the sort of raven craze

that followed Edgar Allen Poe's
famous poem in the 1850s,

and we can't find any evidence of
them being further back than that.

Really?So usually there are six
ravens, right, in the Tower,

and they get...
They get raw meat and dead mice.

Special treat, biscuits
soaked in blood. Anybody?

There was one called George
who was a repeat offender,

and in 1981 he disappeared
but was recaptured at the local pub

and made to return to duty.

But his bad behaviour continued
and eventually he was retired.

The Tower announced on Saturday
13th September, 1986,

"Raven George, enlisted 1975,

"was posted to The Welsh Mountain
Zoo, conduct unsatisfactory."

They posted him?!

Died in the envelope
on the way there.

But he's not the only raven
to have gone AWOL.

There are wonderful stories that
Christopher Skaife,

current Ravenmaster of the
Tower, recounts in his book,

The Ravenmaster: My Life with the
Ravens at the Tower of London.

And he talks about how raven
Munin escaped in 2010,

but you don't need me to tell you
about that,

because he is here himself.

Ravenmaster, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for coming.

Tell me about Munin's escape,
what happened?

Hmm, I was a little bit
worse for wear one morning,

when I was getting the ravens up.

And it was at a time when
I was going through

some minimum wing trimming and Munin
herself wasn't trimmed-up very much,

and when I opened up the enclosure,
she got out and flew off.

And was it OK?

No.No.

No, she flew off
and she disappeared for seven days.

She was eventually found in
Greenwich on the Royal Observatory.

MAGGIE: Astronomy.Yeah.

Yeah.

And did she come back then?
Did you take her back?

Well, she did eventually, she was
caught by a member of the public

and eventually returned back to the
Tower of London under an ASBO,

and that's where
she spent the rest of her life.

Is it true that ravens play
KerPlunk?

Yes.

But not with plastic straws.

I use spaghetti straws, because it's
obviously better for them.Yeah.

And, in fact, Munin was very, very
good at it,

it would take her about 45 seconds
or so to get the mouse out,

with going around
and pulling out all the spaghetti.

And did you use a real mouse?

Yes, I did, yes.

OK, moving on.
With very small pants.

TOM: Very small pants.!
Well, because there are sort of...

There are ravens, there are crows
and what's the other one?

Rooks. Rooks. Rooks, yes.

And I don't know how to tell
the difference between them.

Well, they're different species,
really.

A raven happens to be about twice
the size of a crow,

so it's like the daddy of them,
all the birds, really,

and the most intelligent.

And they have excellent memories,
do they not? Is that right?

They do, they remember for life,
yes.

For good and bad reasons, as well.

Some of them like me,
some of them, like Munin,

who I chased around Greenwich,
didn't.

Now, we've talked about having
a very good memory,

so here's the thing, you were
supposed to be on the show

before we had lockdown. I was.

And you were supposed to be
here on your wedding anniversary.

I was.So we were very
excited about this,

and you've got your wife Jasmine
with you.

Hello, Jaz, welcome to the
show. How many years is it? 32.

32, wow, that's fantastic.

So, anyway, because you were coming
in on your wedding anniversary

and you were both going to be here,
we thought we'd get you a cake.

So we are now here, finally doing
this show, five months later,

we found the cake,
it was still backstage.

TOM: Mm, delicious!
CHRISTOPHER SKAIFE: Lovely. Yum-yum.

The cake is there,
shaped like your hat.

It was a light sponge.

We're going to get Tom
to decide later on.

I'll judge it, yes.

I feel like it might be quite
a heavy sponge now. Yes.

I think the ravens might need it
soaked in blood.

But thank you both very much for
coming in. How fantastic.

Absolute pleasure, thank
you for having us.It's lovely.

APPLAUSE

Raven George was dismissed for being
stark raven mad.

Now, what's the most reliable way
to recognise a rattlesnake? Oh...

FROG CROAKS
Go for it, Ed.

Its rattle.Yay!

KLAXON SOUNDS

No. And why not?

They're all the same?

No, no, they're not all the same.

Not all rattlesnakes rattle...

Ooh...is the problem.

Wouldn't that be annoying if you
were a rattlesnake

and you didn't rattle?
Yeah. One thing!

None of the other rattlesnakes
would hang out with them.

No, you would just be embarrassed,
wouldn't you? Yeah. Yeah.

The Santa Catalina rattlesnake,
it's...

Santa Catalina is an island off the
coast of southern California,

doesn't have a rattle at all.
And nobody knows why.

Maybe because it lives on an island

where there aren't any
large-hoofed mammals,

there's very few humans
that might stumble on it.

It basically doesn't need one.

So what makes it a rattlesnake?
Yeah. It's just a snake.

No, you can tell a rattlesnake
by its head,

by its triangular head and
its slitty eyes and so on.

It just doesn't have this
particular thing.

Let's have a quick look at one
that does have a rattle.

RATTLE HISSES
That'swhat the rattle sounds like.

But this is obviously not
living in Santa Catalina.

It is quite distinctive,
you'd run away from that.

You would, yeah.
I wouldn't like that.

So, the other possibility is,
if it doesn't have a rattle,

is that it's a baby rattlesnake.

Oh.Yes.

They're born with venom
but without the rattle.

So the bit that we saw there
is a segment of, again, keratin,

and those grow bit by bit.

It sheds its skin,
when it's young, every few weeks,

and then each time a new
segment of this keratin is added.

And the snake needs at least two
or three of those,

if you imagine, in order to make
that distinct rattling sound.

And it comes from those
keratin segments

knocking against each other.

Weird, because if you're a human and
you've got a rattle,

you're definitely a baby.

Yes, I know! Opposite.

And also an adult could lose
the rattle through injury

or through, you know, just old age,
bloody annoying.

Oh, that's upsetting for them.

If you have a look at the one
coming towards you,

you can see it's distinctive,
even without the rattle.

You can see the triangular head

and it's got these rather...
MAGGIE: Oh!

Yeah, I mean, it's slightly creepy,
isn't it? Sorry.Yeah.

Oh, you don't like it, Tom?

I do have a pathological fear of
all snakes,

so it's no big deal that
there's a massive one on the screen,

but I'm not going to look at it.

Heading straight towards you.

I just might not look
up at that, if that's all right.

Tom, it's gone, Tom,
it's gone, don't worry mate.

Tom, you're all right Tom.
Tom, you're fine.

Yeah, just look up now.
No! You're all horrible!

There's not one coming in,
though, is there?

It's not like,
"Oh, we've got one here now"?

Here's one we made earlier.
We've got a cake.

I don't want to run all the way
home. And a cake.

And now the keeper of
rattlesnakes. The cake!

If you are bitten by a snake,
what should you do?

Oh, I'd just die. I would just die.
No, you probably wouldn't, darling.

Really? Would I not?
Probably not, no.

In the United States,

about 9,000 people a year
are bitten by a snake,

and about five die.
So statistically you're unlikely to.

You're supposed to...
Wee on it.

Yeah, you get someone to wee on it.
Are you confusing jellyfish?

Spreads quickly.ED: I just think
it's always worth a go.

Stung by anything, wee on it.
Have a quick wee on it.

And then you get a cowboy
from a film

to suck out the venom
and spit it out.

Oh, is that what it was?
Yeah, yeah. Oh.

I always get those two muddled.

Do you wee on it or do you
suck out the venom?Yes, I know.

Standing there having a debate with
yourself, trying to work it out.

Ooh! Just try it all.
Have a wee, have a suck, why not?

TOM: "Excuse me, cowboy, would you
mind having a wee or a suck?

"I've been bitten by a snake.

"No, it's not a chat-up line."

We'll get you to do
the voice-over, Sandi.

Yeah, I was, "At this point...

"..a large handsome cowboy."

Call an ambulance, you fools!

Don't... Oh.

In America?! No, thanks,
I can't afford that!

Just suck it!

Stay calm, basically. You don't want
to raise your heart rate.

"Stay calm, you're dying!"
Yeah.

You've got about...
About 12 hours to 18 hours

before it turns too serious.

You'vegot time to go,
and the main thing is,

if it's on a limb,
apply some pressure to the bite.

You don't want it
spreading through you,

but certainly you don't want to.
Like a tourniquet?

You certainly don't want to suck it,

because you'll get it in your mouth,

and you might have a
cut in your mouth and die that way.

I think that's a terrible idea.
Wouldn't that be terrible?

Now, why did the Japanese import
so many raccoons?

Thank God we're talking about
something else - I can look up!

You're all right with racoons?

Oh, God!

The only thing I can't stand more
than rattlesnakes

are racoons!

So, why did the Japanese import
loads and loads and loads of them?

Must be something to do with
some problem that they had,

that a raccoon could help with.

A computer virus?

No, it all goes back... It all
goes back to a single raccoon.

There was a raccoon called
Rascal the Raccoon,

and it was found and raised
by author Sterling North

when he was a child,
and he wrote a book about it

and it was called
Rascal: A Memoir of a Better Era.

Back in 1963,
Disney made a film of it,

and then in 1977
it was released in Japan

as an animated television series.

I have to say, the Japanese
animated version

looks less raccoon-like to me...
Oh. Yeah, it's a cat.

It's got a bottle!
It's a Pokemon, yeah.

Yeah. It's a drinker -
it's a big drinker.

But it was incredibly popular,
so Japanese families thought,

let's import North American raccoons
and have them as pets.

Clearly, they had not reached
the end of the series beforehand,

or they would have realised this
is a terrible, terrible mistake.

Rascal the Raccoon ends up
released into the wild

because they make terrible pets.

They are unbelievably destructive
and vicious.

I understand they're quite
violent...Quitevicious, yes.

But by then, over 1,500 raccoons
a year had been brought into Japan,

until they eventually banned them.

And they're not suited
to domestic life at all.

They released them into the wild
in droves, and they're now pests.

About 80% of all temples in Japan

have suffered
raccoon-related damage.

The clue was there
when he was called Rascal.

Ah, yes. I don't know how
that translates in Japanese.

Oh, maybe it means adorable. Cute.

The Japanese name for them
is "araiguma",

which means "washing bear",

and it's thought that they wash
their food,

because they so often
dip it in water

and roll it around in
these incredibly dextrous hands.

So they have an incredible
sense of touch,

and two thirds of their
sensory data comes from touch,

and water is thought to help
this tactile ability

to retrieve the information
that they're holding.

Why do you think they have a mask?

Why do you think they have that
thing around the eyes?

Coronavirus.
Yeah, to protect them, yeah.

Yeah. Just, they have it
on public transport.

Yeah. They only wear it...
Take it off when they get there.

They take it off when they're just
walking along. So responsible. Yeah.

They knew about it before we did.
Yeah.

But it's on their eyes, rather
than... Yeah, they got it wrong.

That's why they're always
washing their hands.

They've got an in and out... burrow.

Yeah!

One way. It's one way.

Any thoughts?
Dark mask around the eyes.

There's something
camouflagy about it.

Well, we're not really sure,
but it may reduce glare.

Oh, they do that, the American
footballers, don't they?

They put dark...Yeah.
Yeah. Yes. ..black under there.

It reduces the glare
from the floodlights.

I thought it was just to look mean.
Yeah, I thought it was!

"Grrr. "That sort of thing. Yeah!
I think it has gone a bit war paint.

But that was the original idea.

The Japanese do have a native
population of raccoon dogs,

which are totally unrelated to
raccoons, despite their appearance.

And they call them tanuki.

So the one on the right
is a raccoon dog

and the one on the left's a raccoon.
They are not in any way related.

They're very important
in Japanese mythology.

Sometimes outside shops,
you see statues of raccoon dogs,

and they... Here are your
huge testicles, OK?

Not yours, sorry,
I don't know why I... Hold on!

I knew there was a reason I'd
been booked for this!

LAUGHTER

Here are your huge testicles!

Ahh!

Who ordered the huge testicles?

What I meant was, huge testicles
we talked about on horses.

I can't sit comfortably any more,
now you've said that!

So these statues outside shops
sport huge testicles,

and... There we are.

And... Unmistakably you, Ed.
Yeah, there I am.

There's a children's song
and the song goes,

I mean I'm translating roughly here,

"Tan-tan, the tanuki's testicles
ring, the wind has stopped blowing.

"But still they swing-swing."

I mean, what child
in the world doesn't want to...

Who wouldn't love that?
Lovely song. I know!

"Swing, swing."
Even with no breeze at all.

Keep on swinging!

Wafting in the wind.

Those testicles are all
the better for the fact they move

when there's no wind.

He doesn't look well, does he?
He doesn't look well at all.

Constantly horrified by the size
of his own testicles.Yeah.

Or just exhausted
from dragging them around.

Argh!

Right, moving on.

Name a rock singer
who doesn't have a scrotum.

LAUGHTER

Do you like the width and variety
of the questions I'm asking?

Yeah! I mean, when I said about
the balls earlier on the horse,

everyone was like,
"No! Don't be so disgusting!

"Why are you obsessed
with talking about scrotums?"

Every question!
It's a reoccurring theme! Yes.

Right. What are we going to do next
year when it's the S series?

We'll have no scrotums. No scrotums,
you'll have run out of scrotums.

Yes!Name a rock singer
who doesn't have a scrotum.

Well, Avril Lavigne, Pink?

Yes, darling, quite right!

No boy comes up with this.

Debbie Harry, Janis Joplin,
Stevie Nicks...

It does sound like an interview
question from 1960s Q magazine.

"Go on, name one rock singer
without a scrotum. Go on!"

It isn't an actual rock singer,
although it kind of is.

It's a creature called
the rock hyrax,

also known as the rock rabbit.

It's found in Africa
and in the Middle East.

So the male does not have a scrotum,
it keeps its testes in its abdomen.

What it does have
is the most fascinating

system of communication, which
is communicating through singing.

I'm not surprised, if it's balls
are... It must be high pitched!

"Aaah." There's a chorus
there, isn't there?Yes!

It's got about 30 syllables
that it can do.

Wails and chucks and snorts
and squeaks and tweets.

And it turns it into a song
that can last several minutes.

And it's a bit like bird song - it's
a sort of form of self-advertising.

So you can tell about its size,
of its age, its social status,

even its hormonal state,
that kind of thing.

So we have a rock hyrax singing.

Please do not think,
as soon as you've heard this,

you're going to rush out
and get the album,

it's on the edge of disappointing,
just going to put it out there.

OK, let's have a listen.

SQUAWKING

Andy Kershaw would play that...

Yeah. ..on the radio.

It's like something written by.

"Now a new one from the rock hyrax."

And he looks so grumpy.
Yes, he does.

I was sort of looking for something
a bit more romantic, at least.Yeah.

A bit more swingy. Yeah!

That is all to do with having
its bollocks stuck in its tummy.

That's nothing to do with
singing or its social status.

Yeah, that's why he's so angry.
That's, "I want a scrotum!"

It could also be to do
with its childhood, I think,

because baby hyraxes
have to eat their parents' poo.

Which is, in the long...

They don't have to, come on.
Yes, they do have to, darling.

They don't have the necessary
bacteria to digest plant stuff,

so, a bit like baby koalas,

the solution is to eat
the mother's faeces.

There's got to be another solution.

Get it while it's hot.

Tuck in, kids.

Eat that before it goes cold!

So, a hyrax is about this big.

About that big.
And its poo is THIS big!

What would you guess
their closest relative to be?

Meerkat.

Yeah, you would think that,
but it's not that.

Well, it's not their parents, if
they're making them do that.Yeah.

That's upset you, hasn't it?
Yeah! It's just not on.No.

You'd think they could just have
a yoghurt or something.Yeah.

Yeah, something with
friendly bacteria. Yeah!

Yeah, that would be
much more civilised.

The nearest relative to a hyrax?
Pick an animal.

Is it a dog?
Mouse, rat, cat, dog, raccoon?

Huge... Huge.

Elephant?Elephant. Tiger?
An elephant?! No, an elephant?

Elephants and sea cows, or manatees.

They share a fairly recent
common ancestor.

This is going to come up
in a couple of years' time.

"When science got it wrong." Yes.

LAUGHTER

"Can you believe we ever thought
these three things were related?"

One geneticist, one wrong...
Rogue geneticist.

One drunk geneticist...

Yeah! "I'll have that one,
that one and that one!"

That seems right...Can I just
say that I think the Elves

were a little bit drunk because
I said what was the common ancestor

and they did a picture for me.
Just have a look at this.

This is their view of what the
common ancestor looked like.

LAUGHTER

Elephants and hyraxes have certain
characteristics which they share.

So elephants don't have scrotums -

they keep their testes near their
abdominal cavity, near the kidneys.

I thought you were going
to say in a suitcase, or something.

I thought they are meant
to have their scrotums outside,

to keep the testes cooler,

because otherwise the sperm
doesn't produce properly.

Humans keep them outside for that
reason, but elephants don't. Oh.

Both have tusks,
and instead of claws,

they have the same flattened
hoof-like nails that elephants do.

So if you look at the feet of the
hyrax, they're sort of sweet...

They look like they've got
slippers on.Yes!

Actually, look at the ends
of the flippers on the manatee,

or the dugong. Yes.It has a similar
sort of look to it, doesn't it?

Yes.And both female hyraxes

and female elephants have a
pair of teats near their armpits.

I beg your pardon?
I know, it's not pleasant, is it?

"Tuck in kids, help yourselves!"

After you've had your shit!

Yeah! "Eat your shit first!"

Then you can have milk.

Now it's time for the relentless
rat-race that is General Ignorance,

so fingers on buzzers please. Ooh.

What does Allen's swamp monkey
use its tail for?

I'm not answering that.

Well, that would be good if...

Dangling from trees.
Dangling from trees?

KLAXON SOUNDS

No. So, it can't swing from trees
or dangle from trees.

Why not? It's a fish.

There's a picture of it,
right in front of you!

It's in the water, could be a fish.
It's behaving like a fish!

The other one was like an elephant.
Why is that not a fish?!

Yes. Er, no...

Its tail is not prehensile -
it's not able to grasp anything.

So the tail would need to be
prehensile

if you're going to swing
through a tree.

So there are different monkeys.

There are Old World monkeys
and New World monkeys,

and the swamp monkey
is an Old World monkey,

so, native to Africa and Asia.

And the New World
monkeys are in the Americas.

Most Old World monkeys
do have tails,

but the tail is not prehensile -
it's mainly for balance.

So only New World monkeys,
the ones from the Americas,

have prehensile tails
and can grab things

and swing through the trees.

In fact, we can have
a look at a New World monkey.

There we are. Ah!

Look at that, it's astonishing,
isn't it? Yeah.

So monkeys from the Americas can do
that, but African monkeys can't?

No, they don't have that ability
with the tail, to grab things.

There are lots of creatures that
do have prehensile tails, so...

But why? Why, Ed?

Why not give them that gift?
I don't know.

They can't hang from... I could have
sworn I've seen them doing that.

You think it's a conspiracy?

Well, I'm trying to think
of the monkeys in London Zoo.

They're neither here nor there.
They're in London.

They're not... Yeah, they're...
They're London monkeys, right?

They're the London monkeys.
Yes. They're big city monkeys.

Yeah, they're just very chilled.

Yeah. They've got controlled
parking zones.

There are lots of creatures
with prehensile tails.

There's seahorses and anteaters,
harvest mice,

the tree pangolin.

And there are also creatures
with extraordinary things.

So creatures with prehensile lips.

Rhinos have that.

Harvest mice
have the prehensile tail.

Cats have prehensile claws,
so they can grab and grasp things.

The giraffe, if you have a look,
has got a prehensile tongue.

Oh, yes. Yes!

But most extraordinary,

and I'm not going to look at Ed
as I say this,

tapirs have prehensile penises.

Yes, I knew someone was going
to have one! Ed.

Me too. There's no way...

No way, with all the evolution
that's gone on,

someone was going to get one.

As soon as we finish here,
I'm going to swing home.

What do they do with it?

Yeah, why did that make them
survive?They stay...

When you're watching the telly
and you can't reach the snacks!

Before the remote was invented.

It keeps them coupled.

Put the Nachos a bit nearer. Oh,
I see! It keeps them coupled?Yeah.

Yeah. Like barbs on foxes.

Yes, or the pig,
which has a corkscrew penis.

There's a... I know.

Yeah, you have to get one pig
and then spin the other pig into it.

Yes!I think even worse than that,
well, for me anyway,

the leaf beetle larvae,
they have prehensile anuses, OK?

It's like a sort of anal turret,
and what they can do is,

they can build shields
out of poo on their backs.

And they place each piece of poo
on their backs

and it becomes this sort
of growing structure,

and they can even move it slightly.

I'm just pleased for them
that they don't know that's weird.

Yeah. If they had any
sort of consciousness

that they were shitting
on their own backs,

and nobody else was doing that...

Yeah!

"I've got an anal turret. Why?
I could have had a prehensile cock!"

I could have had massive bollocks
like Ed Gamble!

Right, moving on.

What should you call this
if you are in Wales?

FROG CROAKS

Yes, Ed? Rarebit.

KLAXON SOUNDS

Cheese on toast. Yeah.

No, so it's been around
since the 1500s,

but the idea of calling it
Welsh rarebit comes in in 1785.

It's a corruption of Welsh rabbit,
which you find much earlier.

You find that in 1725.

So, according to
Fowler's English Usage, in 1926,

"Welsh rabbit is amusing and right.

"Welsh rarebit is stupid and wrong."

I like a dictionary that just tells
you straight out how things are.

Why have you put up
a picture of the moon?

Yes, that's a large
picture of the moon.

But it's possible they were making
a joke at the Welsh's expense,

which is mean, isn't it?
Oh, that is mean.

So I've been asking
for Welsh rarebit

and it turns out I've
been offensive, right?

Offensive, yeah. To say "Welsh"
in the Middle Ages was a slur -

it sort of meant fake
or poor or foreign,

and there were lots of
stereotypical jokes

about the Welsh love of cheese.

Right, speaking of rabbits,
let's go back to the moon.

Can you name a star that is
the same size as the new moon?

A star that is the same size?

Same size as the new moon.

It's a slightly trick question.

Yes.

Well, the stars are massive.

OK.

At the time of recording, the planet
Earth has acquired a new moon.

It's a tiny asteroid,
which we think has been circling

the Earth for about three years.

It's known as 2020 CD3,

and it's somewhere between
1.9m and 3.5m in diameter.

So it's about the same size
as Richard Osman,

this, this... Object.

That's our star, that's our star,
that I was trying to say.

Good idea for what
to do with Richard Osman.

A star that is the same size
as the new moon -

has this not made space news, this?

Well, I think
one of the challenges

is what do you define as a moon?
Ah, OK.

We've had lots of things
on this show, when we...

Oh, we've had so many moons,
honestly.

Yes, right. How many moons
would you say the Earth has?

And we have variously
said there are two,

which include Cruithne,
a co-orbital body of the sun.

Yes. I can remember Rich Hall
sitting in that very chair saying,

"It's called THE moon."That's it!

We've had many moons, as an answer,
because of the small asteroids.

Yes.And we've had no moons at all,
because, in fact,

the moon and the Earth
are twin planets.

Yeah, because the moon is so large,
it could be like a binary system,

and not actually sort of
seen as a separate...Right.

So if we were to ask the question,
how many moons

would you say the Earth has,
what would your answer be?

Yes, as a self-certified lunatic,

I'll say there's only one moon
and it's the best. Boom!

Yeah, yeah. I'm with that.

What do you think Ed? I love
that answer. Yeah, one moon.

Yeah. Yeah.Yeah, we don't want
to muck about.

I know. One moon and one Osman.

You could call anything a moon,

because there's no
cut-off on the size of a moon.

As astronomers,
we're a bit namby-pamby really.

We only recently defined planets.

I mean, we...Yes, because
poor Pluto lost out, didn't it?

Yes, well you see, that's it!Yeah.
Pluto was a planet for ages,

then someone went, "Sorry, mate.
You're a dwarf planet."

Yeah. Is that because
it's just gases?

No, no, it's actually a solid rock.

Oh. But it's not big enough?

It's actually smaller than our moon.

Oh, really? Yes.

It's probably the size of Wales.
That's what people say, isn't it?

Yeah, everything's
the size of Wales.Yeah.

Especially Wales.

There's a suggestion from the Elves,
which I think you'll like, Alan,

that you get 20 restorative points

to make-up for all the previous
moon questions

that you've suffered on QI.

Does that... Now we've had an
expert tell us there's just the one.

Yeah. Well, as an opening offer,
I'd like to go back...Oh, right!

Right, thanks to Maggie we finally
know how many moons the Earth has.

At least till
we move the goalposts again.

All of which lunar lunacy
brings us to the

hair-raising business of the scores.

So over the moon, in first place,
with minus five,

it's Maggie!

CHEERING

In second place,
with minus nine, Tom!

Oh.

In third, even following
the restorative points,

you've got minus 16, Alan.

APPLAUSE

And in last place, not a happy
bunny at all I would imagine.

No. With minus 17, it's Ed.

Yeah.

CHEERING

So, my thanks to Maggie,
Ed, Tom and Alan.

I leave you with this quote
from the High Times Encyclopaedia

of Recreational Drugs.

"A drug is a substance that,
when injected into a rat,

"produces a scientific paper."

Goodnight.