QI (2003–…): Season 17, Episode 6 - Quests: Part I - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good morrow, noble kinsfolk.

I bid you welcome to the
fair realm of QI,

where this day we sally forth upon
a quest with our knights quadruple.

All hail the valiant
and mighty Sir Phillip the Jupitus.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The gallant and audacious
Sir Alan de Carr.

Thank you. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The quiescent and fearless
Lady Alice Levine.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a KNIGHT on the tiles,
Alan Davies.



But hark, list ye
to their knightly noises.

Sir Phillip the Jupitus goes...

FANFARE, HORSE GALLOPS AND WHINNIES

Sir Alan de Carr goes...

GENTLE LUTE MUSIC

ARROW FIRES, MAN GROANS

Oh!

Lady Alice Levine goes...

GENTLE PIPE MUSIC, SWORDS CLANG

And Alan goes...

# Night fever, night fever

# We know how to show it... #

Right, draw your swords
and prepare for combat.

I can't actually move with this on.



It looks nice on you, weirdly.

Don't call me Weirdly. Oh, sorry.

LAUGHTER

Halfway through the show, he's going
to go, "Oh, I feel drained."

Phill looks like he's got
a wind machine on him.

LAUGHTER

I saw a Labrador with its head
out of the car window

looking just like that.

LAUGHTER

You can take them off, darling.

Well, how did they wear glasses
in the olden days?

They hadn't invented glasses
in the olden days, darling. Oh.

You see, I'm going to struggle
on this show.

Shall we start the show
and do a question?

So, what's this man's name?

Is it Don Quixote? Ah.

No.

FANFARE
Yes, darling?

Don "Quix-ote".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So... X is a "ch" sound, isn't it?

It is, well, the X is a "sh",
technically,

cos he was speaking old Castilian
in the book.

And it should be Don "Qui-sh-otay".
Qui-sh-otay.

But I think we can say "Qui-ho-tay",
don't you think?

What, is Don short for something,
like Donald or Donna?

No, it was more of an honorary title.
Oh, really? Like the Don.

Yeah, like the Don, yeah.
Oh, right. But "quiche-o-tea",

that sounds like an Irish order.
"I'll have quiche o tea."

Quiche-o-tea. Yeah.

Actually, technically, he's not
called any of those things,

because the protagonist in the book
is called Alonso Quijano.

So Don Quixote is a name he makes up
for himself when he loses his marbles

and assumes the character
of a medieval knight.

Lots of people argue it is
the world's first modern novel.

Where do they argue?

They... In the literary world,
my darling. Oh.

He wrote it in prison, actually,

which seems to be a good place
to write a book.

And it was an immediate
and roaring success.

In the novel, Don Quixote goes mad
because of reading.

It used to be believed that reading,

or what they called excessive
contemplation, was incredibly bad

for you and it caused the most
astonishing range of illnesses.

So if you read too much,
you could get all of these things,

according to Dr Robert Burton.

All caused by reading too much.

It's like the menu in a gastro pub.

LAUGHTER

I feel like I'm in an exciting
new hipster coffee bar.

"Oh, I'll have the colick, please.
Two shots."

The top ten names in England
in 2035.

"Oh, yeah, so Gout and Wasting
are at camp, but Colick's at home."

LAUGHTER

Can I just say, though, it's
so nice to be with another Alan,

because Alans? They're going...

It's like the white rhino,
they're going extinct.

There's only me,
you and Alan Titchmarsh going.

Did you know that?
Like, there's no other Alans.

You'd think with me being on the
telly, there'd be a few more,

but sadly not. I love you very much,
Alan, but I think you being on

television is not going to encourage
the breeding of children.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Meow!

Backstage she went, "Alan,
I know it's your first time on,

"I'll be very kind and very lovely."

It's like being
back in the playground.

Why don't you stamp on me glasses
while you're at it?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What do you suppose
a collective for Alans is?

I wonder what the collective...?
A pride. A pride.

Are you happy with that, darling?
Yeah. OK, fantastic. I'm pleased.

But Cervantes himself had quite
an adventurous life.

He was in the Spanish Army, during
which he got shot three times.

He's got a sword in him there.

Oh, yes!

"Argh! I'll keep writing,
don't worry."

He lost the use of his left arm.

He was kidnapped and held captive
as a slave for five years.

He was arrested three times,
he was excommunicated three times.

I mean, he really had the most
astonishing life.

Is he from Albert Square?
That's the sort of CV

of someone who's been in EastEnders,

all of those bad things happening to
you. Nasty Nick, isn't he? Yeah.

Now, what's the most thankless job
in history?

It's being a mum, surely.

Yeah. Don't try and get the mum vote.

We have to say thank you to Mum
in our house

or we won't get any biscuits.

LAUGHTER

What's the worst job you ever had,
Alan?

I put the raisins into
Fruit 'n Fibre.

Did you really? Yes. Yes.

Did somebody else do the apple bits?

You were only in charge
of the raisins? Yeah.

They came in a big box, I tipped it,

I didn't put them in individually,
like that.

LAUGHTER

"I wish I'd gone to school!"

Anybody else, a terrible job?

I was once working at a record
company and someone had

a record out with a lyric in it
that mentioned Mr Potato Head.

And so I was asked,
as a promotional device,

to carve faces into 100 potatoes.

LAUGHTER

OK. The most thankless job in history
comes from ancient China.

So we're going to go back
to 400 to 100 BC.

And there were people called Youxia.

And they were on a constant quest

to rescue anybody in trouble
and to help the poor.

But they hated being thanked,
because they were too modest.

In fact, it was part of their
fundamental beliefs that you

should never receive praise.
So they are almost the equivalent

of the knight-errants,
which is what Don Quixote was.

But were they REALLY modest,
or were they like,

"No, please. Please don't,
please, don't.

"Don't. Please, no, I can't"?
No, no, they had codes of chivalry.

So there was one called Chu Chia

and he saved hundreds of people's
lives, but whenever anybody

thanked him, he couldn't bear it,
even when he saved a king's life,

he refused to ever see him again,
just in case he was thanked.

It was absolutely part of who
they were.

There's a period of time in China,

it's the 250-year period of
Warring States

and lots of dynasties
were fighting for control.

In the end, the dynasty called
Qin finally won, that's Q-I-N,

and that is where China gets
its name from, from the Qin dynasty.

So you can see this area
down here on the left.

That only lasted for about 15 years.
But in these times

of untrustworthy government,
instability,

people turned to these more
self-sacrificing Youxia knights

to dispense justice instead.

Now, what's the lowest camping
experience you can think of?

Oh, my God!
Oh, I was there that year.

Where is that? That's Glastonbury.
2006 or 2007.

That was the year when there were
police divers going into the tents

looking for bodies.

Oh! But they didn't find any,
so it's all right.

It looks like a cross between camping
and a soup from Wagamama's.

I went to Glastonbury once. Yeah.

And I got absolutely paralytic.

I woke up on the floor.

Someone must have trodden on me,
because I had two footprints there.

And someone had stubbed a fag out
on my face!

OK... How annoying can I be
if I'm lying on the floor?

I'm talking about the lowest campsite
in the world.

It is 1.6km down, inside the
deepest cave on Earth. Oh!

It is in Georgia, the Krubera Cave.

It is obviously not open
to your average camper.

Ah. This is a genuine picture
from the inside of the cave.

It is 13km long,

it is over 2km deep and
it can fill with water really fast,

with absolutely no warning
whatsoever. Oh, my God!

Nevertheless, people go camping
down inside this cave.

So, in 2018, 56 cavers
from seven different countries

spent four weeks down inside.

They were sleeping six to a tent,
and for fun

they would dive down into sumps,
which are sort of freezing...

Oh, God!

They're freezing cold passages
submerged underwater,

and squeeze as far as they could down
these extremely narrow passageways.

Four weeks, can you imagine?

How much is it for a family of four?

It's not for me.
What do you mean, it's not for you?

You're a perfect size
for underground living.

LAUGHTER

"I can't get in that corridor.
Where's Sandi?

"Sandi, get down there, will you,
tell us if there's any sumps?"

Be like Stuart Little,
we'd get you a little car.

"Go and find the interesting things
underground, Sandi.

"And make sure you come back,

"we'll have a lovely bit of cheese
for you."

So I was listening to that flight
of fancy and you went "cheese",

and I thought, "Oh, I WOULD come
back for cheese, darling."

The deepest point of the cave is
called the Terminal Sump.

Oh. Oh, dear.

And nobody knows how deep it is.
I've got one of those.

LAUGHTER

Only my doctor knows where it is.

Well, I know a Ukrainian diver
who could go and have a look.

There's a man called
Gennady Samokhin,

and he holds the record
for the deepest dive so far.

52 metres down to the Terminal Sump.
Why would you do that?

IN STRONG ACCENT: "I do not want to
go any further down here.

"Sandi, Sandi, go further.

"Where is Sandi in her tiny car?"

LAUGHTER

Camping as a pastime. First
documented, when do we reckon?

Early Victorian.
It's British, so, yeah. Is it?

Yeah, it is.
The Victorians absolutely loved it.

There was a great boating craze,
so it was up and down the Thames,

and some boats even converted
into floating tents.

The person we have to blame
is a British tailor called

Thomas Hiram Holding.

He is regarded as the sort of father
of lightweight camping.

As a boy, in 1853, he and his family

went across to the United States
by pioneer wagon, across the

prairies, and he absolutely loved it
and has inflicted

it on the rest of us for all
eternity that we have to go camping.

Somebody that wears a pussy bow
is not genuinely camping. No.

Like, I feel like he's got
an inflatable mattress in there,

he's got heaters, he's got
a hot water bottle. Mojito.

A little Mojito, yeah.

He rather hilariously produced the
Camper's Handbook and under

meal suggestions, he provides recipes
for blancmange and lobster salad.

Oh, just come out!

LAUGHTER

I can remember getting a vegetarian
cookbook in the '80s

and it had a crisp sandwich in it.

LAUGHTER

It's not much of a tent, is it?

But he has rowed there on dry land,
which is quite impressive, so...

LAUGHTER

Tide's out.

You say that's not much of a tent,

he sold it to Eeyore just after
this photograph was taken.

Camping these days can get
seriously IN-TENTS.

Ah!

Goodnight. OK, moving on.

From the deepest quest on Earth
to the highest.

What do Everest summiters
come down with?

I was offered the chance
to walk to Base Camp.

And I did one day's training
on Hampstead Heath and declined.

They say Hampstead Heath is harder.
So if you can do Hampstead...

You have to talk to the dog walkers.
Oh, the dog walkers. Urgh!

But there's only a fortnight in May
and a fortnight in October

when you can even go to the top.

And the rest of the year,
it's 400mph winds and minus 60.

Why would anyone go up there?
I thought you were going to say

it's all school groups, it's
inundated.

If you do get permission to go,
you have to queue,

and people get really bad-tempered.

There are many fights that break out
as people are waiting.

What do they come down with?

A yeti. A black eye, by the sounds
of it, if everyone's like...

Oh, a fridge magnet,
something like that?

LAUGHTER

One of those pens with
something that slides. Yeah.

A climber!

There's a Sherpa in a bra.
He's at the top, he's down again.

"Sir Edmund. Wow!"

"You can see his Hillary."

LAUGHTER

The Tibetans don't call it Everest,
they call it Qomolangma,

and they employ, in fact, 30 porters.

Their sole job is to carry poo
down the mountain.

Oh! Yes, to special pits
further down the mountain.

You're not allowed to leave
your poo up there?

Well, no, in fact, if you do climb up
now, the Nepalese government,

they require you to bring down 18lb
of rubbish, uh, that includes

other people's poo, or you will lose
your 4,000 deposit.

Just over 26,000lb
of human excrement is

dumped at Base Camp.

Will the poo ever overtake Everest?
That's what they fear.

"We can do this! For Comic Relief."

But the Nepalese porters who carry
it all down, they are astonishing.

They use something called a namlo,

it's a sling that goes across the
forehead. And on average,

the male porters can carry 90%
of their body mass.

And there's female porters as well,
they can carry 66%.

There's one porter who can carry
twice his own body weight.

Hillary went back to the Himalayas
lots of times after climbing Everest.

He led an expedition... For a poo.

He led an expedition to look
for the Abominable Snowman.

Did he find it? He concluded that
it didn't exist. No? No.

But the Nepalese government
has yeti hunting rules.

You have to pay for a permit,
is the first thing.

You have to photograph or capture it,
you're not allowed to kill it.

And you have to turn it over or
turn over the photographs of any

sightings whatsoever. I like the idea
that Edmund Hillary's there at

the press conference. "And this
is what we're looking for."

And there's a bunch of Sherpas
in front of him who'll go,

"Oh, you mean Keith."

LAUGHTER

He's saying, "And you see, no hat.

"This is how you can tell the yeti."

Or the centre parting, do you think
they saw lots of ones with

little side partings, like,
"That's not the one I'm looking for.

"I want the one with the curtains."
"If we cannot find the yeti,

"we will settle for the lead singer
of Herman's Hermits."

Now, how did Britain's greatest
national treasure get here?

Taxi.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What do you reckon? What's Britain's
greatest national treasure?

Crown Jewels?
It is to do with the Crown Jewels.

The Cullinan Diamond.
World's largest diamond ever found.

Oh, Christ! It looks like a molar.
Like a Fox's mint.

It's about the size of an orange.

So if you imagine the average diamond
is about the size of a seed,

and you compare that to the Cullinan
Diamond, it was absolutely massive.

It was discovered in 1905 in
the Cullinan Mine in South Africa.

Probably the most valuable
object in the world at the time.

Now, as you said, it is
in the Crown Jewels.

And so obviously
they want to get it to London.

So did they just,
someone had to pocket it?

Well, what they did was, they wanted
to make sure that it was safe,

so they rather ceremoniously

put it in a package and they locked
it inside the safe of a steam boat

and there was a team of detectives

making sure this huge thing was
absolutely safe.

In fact, that package was a decoy

and the diamond arrived in London
safe and sound by registered post.

No way! Don't you love that?

They just thought, "Oh, stick
a stamp on it, it'll be all right."

I'm very glad that you said that,
because I just imagined

a poor man walking all
the way down the Mall going...

STRAINED: "I've got a delivery
for the Queen."

Well, it was taken immediately
to King Edward VII, to inspect.

In fact, the diamond went unsold
for two years

and the government of Transvaal,
eventually they bought it

for the equivalent of £15 million
today, and they wanted

to give it as a gift to the King,
but the government wasn't sure.

But Churchill was the Colonial
Secretary and he said,

"Absolutely, we need to take this."

And because everybody was
so grateful in Transvaal to him

for doing this,
Churchill was given a replica.

He used to put it on a silver plate

and show it off at dinners to guests.
I like the idea that you'd take it

to the King and the King would
inspect it,

but I'm presuming he doesn't know
loads about the diamond. No.

I mean, what's he looking for?
I don't know.

I would have taken it to
David Dickinson, because he knows.

That's his...
He knows a bit more, doesn't he?

What about HS Samuel and you're
like, "Is that a good 'un?"

Of course, you did have to find
somebody who was good with diamonds,

and the people who really knew
about it

was the Asscher brothers in
Amsterdam.

And again, they made a big song
and dance out of it.

The Royal Navy took
a box across the North Sea.

In fact, Abraham Asscher took the
diamond, put it in his pocket and

caught the train and went by train
and ferry all the way with that.

"Tickets, please."

"Oh, shit!"

His brother, Joseph,
studied the diamond

and he planned the cut for weeks
and weeks and weeks.

Four days before making the initial
groove, he did a thing with

the cutting knife and the knife
broke, rather than the diamond.

I mean,
it really was a massive thing.

He spent nine months cutting it
into nine major diamonds

and 96 what they call brilliant.

"What do you want it to say?
How do you spell it? Argh?"

So Cullinan's I, which is
the Great Star of Africa,

that is at the top of the sceptre.

And Cullinan's II is in front
of the Imperial State Crown.

They are the major components.

That ruby there is Black Prince's
Ruby, the largest one in the world.

Not cut properly,
just given a bit of a polish.

Now, onto the quest for true love.

Who would be interested in this
dating profile?

That's basically me.

KLAXON BLARES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it a human?
No, obviously, it's not a human.

Bald Bolivian creature
beginning with a Q?

It doesn't begin with a Q. Well,
it's in the wrong series. It is.

But we are on a quest
to find this creature a mate.

It is a frog.

A frog.
So this is a very sweet story, OK?

This is the story of Romeo.
A Sehuencas frog.

So he has been living
in a tank in Bolivia,

in the Cochabamba
Natural History Museum.

And it was thought that Romeo
was the last one in his species.

So the last one in a species
is called an endling.

And in 2018, his conservationists
set up an online dating profile

And here is the video that they
made for their search.

Hi, there. I'm Romeo, a Sehuencas
water frog from Bolivia.

I'm a pretty simple guy.

I tend to keep to myself
and love spending nights at home.

I also love eating.
Then again, who doesn't?

Ah, who could resist, right?
Who could resist?

They are good friends to do that.
Didn't want to do it himself. Yeah.

It's embarrassing to do it
for yourself. They're good mates.

Get your friends to do it.

SPANISH ACCENT: "Miguel,
could you do a video for me?"

"Hey, why don't
I put you catching a worm?

"And come out under the rock.
You get your worm."

"I have the tiny arms at the front.

"It is not possible for me
to hold the phone.

"And in the..."
HE CROAKS

"Say what you want me to say."
Yeah.

"Write it down on a big piece of
paper and hold it behind a phone."

The thing is, it worked.
Loads of frogs started turning up.

A toad in a frog bra.

LAUGHTER

"Hello."

They went out on a frog-finding
expedition,

they found three males
and two females.

And he has now been paired
with a female,

who they have obviously named...?
Juliet. Juliet, exactly right.

"Si, because I am called Romeo.

"This photograph was taken of me
at my modern jazz dance class."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"When you dance in Bolivia,
you must never smile."

Here is the thing, is that you're
completely wrong

about Romeo's personality,

cos they put him with Juliet,
and she's really energetic.

She loves to swim, she eats a lot,
she keeps trying to escape.

"She is driving me up the wall!

"She is climbing out of the tank!"

Yeah. He's very...

"Eating my worms!"

He's very shy.

He doesn't like her.
There's no such thing as shyness.

That's an affectation.

He doesn't like her
and he's acting as if he's shy.

LAUGHTER

Only one final challenge
remains for our gallant knights

as we trepidate into the treacherous
kingdom of General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

Which is the closest planet to Earth?

GENTLE PIPE MUSIC, SWORDS CLANG
Alice?

Mars?

KLAXON BLARES

Not Mars. Anybody else?

Venus?

KLAXON BLARES

The moon? No.

KLAXON BLARES

Generally?

Mercury?
Yes, absolutely right. It is Mercury.

But it's not how we
normally think of it.

So the minimum distance between the
Earth and Venus is 24 million miles.

If you have a look at this, this
is how we generally think of it.

That's very near, isn't it?

It is in sort of space terms.

The minimum distance to Mars
is 34 million miles,

and to Mercury
it's 48 million miles.

So you would imagine that it all
goes like that

and everybody stays in the same
line-up.

However, that is not
how orbits work.

So let's have a look at this video,
which explains it a little bit more.

Initially, it looks as though Mercury
is the furthest away,

but the way the orbits function
is that Venus often is right

the other side of the Sun,

making it really, really far away.

And there's a guy called
Oliver Hawkins

and he wrote some computer code
to try and work this out.

And he found that the planet that
spends most of the time closer

to Earth than any other is Mercury.

So it's closest to Earth
46% of the time. Oh.

Venus was closest
36% of the time

and Mars only 18% of the time.

I think I did say all of that. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Anybody have a mnemonic to remember
the planets in order? Yes.

It's Mercury, Venus,

Earth, Mars,

Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune.

Thank you, darling, that's perfect.
That is the order and...

Pluto doesn't count,

it's actually a Disney character.

Yes...

That is the order of the planets and
one is often taught it at school.

So "Many Volcanoes Emit Mulberry Jam
Sandwiches Under Normal Pressure."

Or, "My Very Easy Method Just
Speeds Up Naming Planets."

I couldn't get past Vagina, though.

I've got "Moist Vagina Expected
Might Just Steam Up Nightie."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, weirdly, that's probably
the one I'm going to remember.

LAUGHTER

Anybody else?
Alice, have you got one?

Mine's quite depressing. OK.

"Mum's Vacant Expression
Means Jane Sulks Unless Noticed."

Wow, you were a jolly girl at school.
Yes. My favourite is,

"Mary's Virgin Explanation Made
Joseph Suspect Upstairs Neighbour."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Worth pointing out, of course,

that Pluto is no longer
regarded as a planet. No, not there.

It's now a dwarf.

What is the name of this sword?

Excalibur. It isn't.

KLAXON BLARES

That's the first one he got.
Excalibur's the one later. Yes.

From the Lady of the Lake.

The one he pulled out of the stone
is called Terry. Oh!

Yeah, you're right about...
Terry the sword.

The sword in the stone is likely
called Clarent. Clarent?

Clarent, and it's a sort of peace.

He pulled it out of the stone

shortly before buying
his first pair of trousers.

They're quite a fit, aren't they?
That's what they're all laughing at.

LAUGHTER

And we end
with the quest for eternal life.

So, Sir Alan of Carr,
your final challenge.

Oh, OK.

FANFARE

Upon yonder table lies
the chalice of eternal life.

Prithee, select the one true
Holy Grail and bring it to me.

Oh, OK. Yeah, good luck. Is this my
hat? Oh, yes, of course it is.

I'm meant to look like
Indiana Jones, I look like

Charlie Hungerford from Bergerac.
Do you know what I mean?

LAUGHTER

Right, what am I doing? Right, so,
you are looking for the Holy Grail.

Which one are you going to select?

What's that Indiana Jones one,
where he thinks that Jesus's cup

would be the golden one, but
it's the modest one, innit? OK.

So what do you reckon?

Well, I think it's the wooden one.

KLAXON BLARES

Here is the thing,
you should have picked the tray.

The tray is the Holy Grail.

A grail was most likely
a serving dish.

So would you please bring me
the tray?

And none of the cups whatsoever.

Has it got one of those
beanbag padded bottoms?

Oh, I love those. If I could have
that, please, darling.

The word grail... What, like...?
Thank you, sweetheart.

It comes from the Latin, gradale,
grail, and it means a deep platter

that you would serve food on
during medieval banquets.

It gradually evolved
from the sort of Middle Ages

onwards into people thinking it was
a larger vessel with

an elaborate cover,
and then a drinking cup.

Traditionally, the idea is it gives
immortality to the drinker,

although the Bible gives no special
significance to the chalice

that Jesus uses to
consecrate his blood wine.

Well, I'm afraid you picked wrong,

but you look very
fetching in the hat.

I would love to see a camp
Indiana Jones.

Something terrible happens,
he goes...
SHE SHRIEKS

A grail actually looks like this.

Which means a holy grail
looks like this.

AUDIENCE: Ah!

I'm working my arse off here,
people.

Which brings us to the scores.

In first place, with minus 1,
it's Phill. Phill!

APPLAUSE

In second place, with minus 7, making
a fantastic debut, it's Alan Carr!

APPLAUSE

Thank you. In third place, a
surprising minus 15 - Alan. Oh!

APPLAUSE
Third!

And in last place,
with minus 18, it's Alice.

APPLAUSE

And so, farewell to my noble knights,
Alice, Alan, Phill and Alan and me.

Till we meet again, let us dwell upon
this questing quotation from the late

great Knight of the Realm,
Sir Terry Pratchett.

"So much universe,
and so little time." Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE