QI (2003–…): Season 17, Episode 5 - Questions and Qualifications - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language.

Good evening and welcome to an
episode of QI where I'll be asking

quite interesting questions about
questions and qualifications.

I will be invigilating.

The panel's phones
have been confiscated.

And joining me are the neatly
underlined Nish Kumar...

..the slightly smudged
Ade Adepitan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Asking for extra paper,
it's Holly Walsh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, no, you can't
go to the bathroom,



Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And their buzzers are all asking
the really big questions.

Holly goes...

# Where have all the flowers gone? #

Yeah, it's a good question, right?

Ade goes...

# Is this the real life?

# Is this just fantasy? #

LAUGHTER

Nish goes...

# Is there life on Mars? #

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER



Alan goes...

# What's new pussycat?
Whoa, whoa, whoa... #

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

Ah! There's the school bell.

There are eight questions
tonight and you should attempt

three of them.

Please show your working.

You can turn your papers over
and start now.

This is my worst nightmare. Is it?

Oh, my God. This is just terrible.
Oh, God.

Does it makes you actually
feel slightly anxious? Yeah.

I feel physically sick.
I am sweating.

These have been made up for us.

And it says on the inside,

"This page has been left
intentionally blank."

Then it says here,
"This one was an accident."

LAUGHTER

Quite a good list of equipment
required on the paper.

Oh, yes. What have you got?

Well, it says you need
a Walther PPK with silencer.

LAUGHTER

Mine's got for equipment required,
disposable gloves

and a schematic of Dungeness B
Power Station.
LAUGHTER

I've got a kilogram
of self-raising flour

and a map of Sheffield town centre.

LAUGHTER

Mine just says
"bring your own booze".

LAUGHTER

Let me ask you a question
that is not on paper.

What is the hardest exam
in the world?

I mean, I hope the answer's
"doctor".

No. This is actually, apparently,
tougher than that.

Oh, isn't it a vet is harder
than being a doctor?

Cos that's what vets always say,
they're like,

"Oh, doctors do it in seven.
And we do it in nine... or eleven."

Yeah, with our hands up
a cow's arse. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

What are you diagnosing there?

LAUGHTER

I'm not a vet, darling.
I've no idea.

You're blagging your way
through the exam.

Yes! Stick it up there! Exactly!

Sandi, I don't know why in your
thing of you putting your hand up

a cow's arse, you're also
doing a bhangra move.

LAUGHTER

Inside the cow, reaching out.

LAUGHTER

Isn't it to get a job at Apple
or Google or one of those places?

No.

It's the test to become a commander
of a Royal Navy submarine,

is thought to be the hardest
exam in the world.

It is, in fact,
known as The Perisher.

Officially, it's called

the Commanding Officers
Qualifying Course

but it's so tough
that officers from other nations

think it's the thing to take.

The failure rate, it varies from
year to year, but it's about 30-45%.

Wow.

And if you fail, you cannot serve
on a sub in any capacity.

You can serve in Subway, though.

LAUGHTER

The elves have just told me that
it's a myth about the nine years

for a vet training -
it can be done in four.

I don't believe that. When you're
a doctor, you only have to know

how one, like, organism works.

But when you're a vet... Yes.

..people come in with, like,
"Oh, my stick insect's got eczema."

And then someone else is, like,
"This horse is going to explode!"

LAUGHTER

It's going to blow!

Is it ticking?

LAUGHTER

That's the ultimate Trojan horse,
isn't it? Yes!

LAUGHTER

Absolutely.

It's simple, you just stick
your hand up its arse and give
it one of these.

LAUGHTER

That's me unscrewing the bomb.

I think animals are like cars.

They all work the same way, really.

We've spent a fortune on my cat.

I've spent over £1,000
in the last two years on my cat.

£1,000? Yeah.
Trying to make it into a dog.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what's wrong with the
bloody thing, apart from it's a cat?

LAUGHTER

Hard to come by, cats,
aren't they, after all?

LAUGHTER

You know those bits of elastic
that keep chicken legs together

like that?

It swallowed one of those
and it went all through its system,

tied up, like, tied it all up.

That's why you need to go up, go...

Exactly! Get in there!

LAUGHTER

Anyway, she died, so that's fine.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.

Well, I wasn't going to pay a grand.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right, so, submarines.

They do three months
of theoretical work.

There are simulations
and exercises at sea.

And they're kept sleep-deprived
and stressed.

They get them drunk and see how
they operate with a hangover.

And, nevertheless, right
on the very last day you can fail,

and if you do fail, you get called
into the captain's cabin,

you're given a glass of whisky,
and you're escorted to land

and you never serve on a submarine
again.

At least you get a glass of whisky.
Yeah.

In America, you have to pass
a 150-question exam to become

a certified cheese professional.

You need - I love this -
4,000 hours of working with cheese.

I've got that already.

I just stand in front of the fridge
and, like, eat it cos there's

no calories if you take it
straight out of the fridge.

Is that right?

LAUGHTER

There is a reading list of at least
32 books that you have to read.

A cheese reading list?
Cheese reading list, yes.

Is that the sort of health
and safety reading list?

It's about origins,
manufacturing, pasteurising,

all of the different elements.

I reckon after about 3,000 hours,
you get cheese BORED.

LAUGHTER

To get a Master Sommelier
Diploma, so in other words,

to know everything there is
to do with wine,

you have to identify a wine by
its grape, by its region, the year,

and since 1940, only 200 people
have passed the exam.

Don't they get their noses
insured for, like, hundreds

of thousands of pounds?

It's all about having a good nose.

You can't smoke as well,
cos that kills all your taste buds

and smell buds.

Who wants to have a glass of wine
without a fag, eh? Booze and fag!

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah, Master Sommelier, me.

LAUGHTER

This is absolutely true.

I've never done cocaine and I told
a friend of mine that and he said

it's a real waste of that nose.

LAUGHTER

Right, moving on.

Exam papers away, please.

Ah! Phew!

Can you name the question
in the least successful poll

of all time? Oh, God!

Should the United Kingdom leave
or remain in the European Union?

KLAXON

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Take that, people on the internet

who say I bring everything back
to Brexit.

LAUGHTER

It is not that. Not that.
Although it is to do with Europe,

I can tell you that.

So, when's the last time there was
a massive bust-up with Europe? 1939.

The war. Yeah, so,
the Second World War...

That was a bust-up, wasn't it?

LAUGHTER

It was a to-do. It was.

LAUGHTER

A carry-on. It was a fracas.

We had a poll?

There was a wonderful and eccentric
scientist call Geoffrey Pyke

and he tried to avert World War II
using an opinion poll.

They'd tried everything.

What he was interested in
was having some kind of plebiscite

finding out what the public wanted.

And Hitler had frequently relied
on plebiscites to gauge opinions,

and they were rather fashionable
and plausible, and Pyke thought

that he could sway opinion.

So in 1933 the Oxford Union had
held a debate in which the student

audience had declared they would not
fight for king and country

and the press reported that Hitler
had taken a very close interest

in the result.

In 1939, Pyke sent ten specially
trained volunteers to Germany

to question the populace
to work out how they felt,

and then he was going to present
Hitler with the detailed findings

and hopefully, he thought, it would
put Hitler off from going to war.

Well, that worked, didn't it?

Well, it's such a British idea,
because he said he didn't want

the men to openly say
why they were doing it.

They all went disguised as golfers.

LAUGHTER

And each one interviewed ten Germans
a day, asking whether Germany

could win the war... Dressed as
golfers? Dressed as golfers, yes.

And then Pyke wanted to meet them
and find out what they were doing

and he thought it was too much

to also go as a golfer, so he
sneaked in... He went as a sheep.

LAUGHTER

He went as a canary buff
complete with a caged canary.

LAUGHTER

And he had code names. He used to
write to his spies as Aunt Marjorie.

And they did find the results
that they were looking for.

Most Germans didn't want
to go to war.

They were ambivalent about the Nazis
but sadly it was a bit late.

They went in August 1939,

and, of course, war broke out
in the start of September.

But don't you love that a man
thought, "I know what we'll do,

"we'll go disguised as golfers,
to sort it out"?

Just so... so random. Yeah.

Geoffrey Pyke went to the polls
to try and prevent Hitler

going... to the Poles.

AUDIENCE GROANS

The war's not happening now,
you know?

LAUGHTER

Now, some people are introverts,
some are extroverts.

What kind of "vert" are you?

I think I'm a bit of both, actually.

I think you would be right.

I think, as far as we can tell, most
people are, in fact, a bit of both.

Does anybody know
who came up with the idea

of introverts and extroverts?

Mr Vert. Mr Vert.

First name, Per.

LAUGHTER

HOOTER

APPLAUSE

I really hope they use
that as the still for radio.

LAUGHTER

Me and Alan with just "pervert"...

LAUGHTER

People'll be, like,

"I knew it. I knew they'd
catch up with them one day."

It was Carl Jung,
the great Swiss psychoanalyst.

Oh, what a portrait! Great glasses!

Yeah, it's good, isn't it? I don't
know how he could see through them.

That's weird.
LAUGHTER

So, it's about your motivation.

So, either you get your motivation
from within yourself and that makes

you an introvert, or from your
surroundings and your relationships

and that makes you an extrovert.

But Jung himself said
that introverts and extroverts

are the minorities
and we're mostly ambiverts.

Ambiverts.

Ambiverts. You're an ambivert. Yeah.
Yeah.

You can vert with both hands. Nice.

But it's very bad news
for something called

the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.

Oh, that's insanity.
Is that personality types?

It's a personality test.

So, it was invented by a woman
called Katharine Briggs

and then her daughter Isabel Myers,
and they worked on it together.

They had no particular expertise
in this area and they developed

it because Katharine Briggs
met her future son-in-law,

didn't think he fitted with the
family and wanted to find out why.

So she developed this
personality test, and basically

it divides people into
particular types of categories.

So, you get extroverts versus
introverts, which we already know -

not really a thing -
and then sensing versus intuitive,

thinking versus feeling,
and judging versus perceiving.

The thing about it is,
it's really sort of nonsense

but it is used by HR departments
around the world.

Two million people take this test
every year

in 26 different countries.

In the USA alone,
200 federal agencies use it,

and it really is ridiculous.

It's a bit like the horoscope.

You just can't divide the whole
world up into 12 categories.

Oh, that's classic Libra, that is.

LAUGHTER

My dad was forced
to take it at work.

I don't know how he managed this
but I think he failed.

LAUGHTER

He said, "The guy said I was a,
you know, basically, a sociopath,"

and he told me, my mother,
and my brother.

And we took - in his words -
"too long to respond".

LAUGHTER

"Oh! No, Dad!"

The problem with it is
it's too binary.

It's an "either or" thing
that you have to use

to determine personality -
ridiculous.

It's also self-reporting.

So if you think, for example,
that you're an extrovert,

that is pretty much the result
that you're going to come out with.

The real problem is that about
half the people who take it a second

time come out with a completely
different result.

So it clearly doesn't work.

The one I think is most
extraordinary

is the Minnesota Multiphasic
Personality Inventory.

It was first written in 1943
and it's been updated a few times.

But you basically
just have to say true or false.

OK? So, I'm going to ask those
of you who are able, please,

will you stand up so that we can see

whether you can pass my test here,
please?

There's a couple of people
here dressed as golfers.

LAUGHTER

So, hands on your head for true.
Hands on your bottom for false.

True or false?

At times, I have a strong urge
to do something harmful or shocking.

Oh, my God!
Everyone put their hands!

OK. True or false?

I have never indulged
in any unusual sex practices.

LAUGHTER

Wow. There was a...

Unusual is a loose word.

Yeah, it is. I mean... Yeah, I had
a wank in a Portakabin once.

Is that...?
LAUGHTER

That was my dressing room,
you bastard!

LAUGHTER

These are genuine questions
from this test.

I would like to hunt lions
in Africa.

True or false?

Hardly anybody. A few. Quite a few.

True or false?
I am fascinated by fire.

Oh, wow!
We've got a lot of maniacs in!

OK. And finally, true or false?
I am a special agent of God.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.
Right, applaud yourselves.

That was very good. Very well done.

APPLAUSE

But those are genuine questions to
try and decide whether or not

somebody would be suitable
for a job as a clerk.

Now for a bit of role play.

Three of you have got police
hats under your desk.

Ade, I want you to play good cop.
Holly, you play bad cop.

Alan, you're going to be normal cop.
It's good, here we go.

I don't have the voice
to play a bad cop.

Go for it. I can't...

Like, I just can't swear
with this voice.

It doesn't...
Give me your fucking secrets!

It just sounds delightful.

LAUGHTER

Nish has a secret.

I want the three of you to find
out what it is, please.

You look like a traffic warden.

LAUGHTER

It looks like someone
from the Village People.

LAUGHTER

I think he's about to go
to a hen night and strip.

LAUGHTER

Right, Nish is in the spotlight.

Oh, my God.
He's got a secret. Come on.

This is American immigration
all over again!

LAUGHTER

I know you've got something
going on, mate.

No, leave it!
You've gone too far!

Oh, we're a comedian, are we?

Actually, yes!

Now, be nice, be nice.

It's a lovely beard you have there,
Nish.

Thanks very much, Ade.

I've had it combed and
I also really love the fact

that you've turned
your policeman hat backwards

and are wearing it like
Samuel L Jackson's Kangols!

That's what I'm talking about!

Hashtag time's up.
We can't flirt at work any more!

Hang on, you're supposed
to be the bad cop.

All right, Sonny Jim.

Sonny Jim? It's just bizarre!

I'm sorry about this, Mr Kumar.
It's an absolute nightmare.

It's like being interrogated
by Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins!

Just tell us what the secret is
and I'll call her off.

I haven't got a secret.
I'm an upstanding member of society.

I've not even taken cocaine in spite
of the size and volume of my nose!

Good cop.

Er... tell us your secret.

That's not good. Good would be like,
"Listen, sir, I'm terribly sorry..."

We've switched round,
we're switching round.

TELL US YOUR SECRET, YOU...!

Sonny Jim!

Are you going to confess?

I-I will confess to...

..farting in Sandi's dressing room.

Oh, my God!

"Nish farted in Sandi's..."

Are you getting him to sign it?

You have a right to remain
silent but violent!

I'm really worried, Holly,
you're getting into it now.

Shut your face!

APPLAUSE

So, here is the thing about
the good-cop-bad-cop thing.

What we do know
is it's a very, very good way,

if you want to prize a confession
out of somebody.

It is not a good means of
actually discovering the truth.

So, somebody will just confess
but it's not...

So, Nish wasn't telling the truth,
then?

No, darling, he's never been
allowed in my dressing room!

It's been tested by scientists
and they carried out all sorts

of experiments to emotionally
destabilise their subjects

and then try to manipulate them,
but it doesn't work.

Anyway, good cop bad cop
is not much cop.

Why do English paintings
have so many squirrels in them?

I've never noticed a squirrel.
Well, with her...

Are they sort of like symbols
for nut-hoarding?

Is it because they had
amazing agents

and they just managed to get them
in all the big paintings?

Like the Kate Moss of squirrels.
Exactly. Yeah.

It's specifically
18th-century paintings.

And there's a possible reason.

At the time it was common to keep
squirrels as pets.

Apparently they often walked around
with their owners

and they would have little chains
and that kind of thing.

But why would I ask
you this question?

Where do you think this question
has come from?

Oh, is this one of the first
questions in the citizenship test?

This is the one they should
have asked instead of,

"Do you want to be
in or out of the EU?"

Squexit means Squexit!

Before the internet,
people used to go to the library

to ask questions and there is
a wonderful list of questions

that the New York Public Library
has been asked since the 1940s.

They keep a record of them.
This is one of the questions.

Why do 18th-century English
paintings

have so many squirrels in them?

And there was a follow-up question.

How did they tame them
so they wouldn't bite the painter?

I like these other questions.
Where can I rent a guillotine?

Don't want to buy one... Yeah.

..don't want to borrow one.
I'm prepared to pay a reasonable
hire fee.

Used once!

And sometimes the questioner
could write back.

This one is from 1967.

The question, "What is
the natural enemy of a duck?"

The librarian, "What do you mean?"

Reply, "Well, a whole flight of them
landed in my pool

"and I have waved a broom at them

"but all they do is look at me
and quack.

"I thought I could introduce the
natural enemy into the pool area."

Surely the natural enemy of the duck

is some small pancakes
and hoisin sauce.

No, it's a dog with a canoe.

The library continues this service.
They receive about 30,000 calls

a year and they can even
outfox the experts.

They were asked, "Could you tell me
the thickness of a US postage stamp

"with the glue on it?"

And the library replied, "Sorry,
we couldn't tell you that quickly.

"Why don't you try the post office?"

And they got the reply,
"This is the post office."

In 1967, they got a call
from a woman saying,

"When you meet a fellow and
you know he's worth 27 million

"and you know his nationality,
how do you find out his name?"

Now, to really test who's qualified
for the job, we come to the question

of General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.

What's the best thing
for an exhausted bee?

Nish? Honey?
KLAXON

Oh!

Honey! What do you reckon, Ade?

Sugar water?

KLAXON

Speed.

LAUGHTER

So, here's the thing.
Never give it honey.

The RSPB say feeding
a tired bee honey,

it's really a short-term solution.
It needs nectar.

Why are the RSPB wading in on this?

That's not a bird!

Keep their beaks out of it!

It can do all sorts of damage
because, first of all,

honey contains spores of bacteria
and it's perfectly possible the bee

may pick those up and take them home
and infect the entire hive.

It needs nectar, is what it needs.
Who's got nectar?

I mean, really...
Um, they're called flowers.

The thing is, darling, it either
needs a rest or it needs

to be left alone so it will be
encouraged to go and pollinate.

Or it could just be dying.

In which case, the kindest thing
is to sit with it

and give encouragement, I think.
If you make the sugar too thick,

you could block up
the bee's proboscis.

You could then stop it
being able to get the nectar at all.

I mean, there's nothing really good
about giving any honey water

or any sugary water whatsoever.

Have more bee-friendly flowers
in your garden,

is the best thing you can do.

That's not something you can do
there and then.

No, that's tricky,
just suddenly planting a buddleia

just for the sake of it.

Here's a few bee facts.
Bees have furry tongues.

They have long hairs
to trap the nectar.

But what sort of bees make milk?

What sort of bees make milk?

Boo-bees.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I try all series to raise the tone!

Sorry. Boobies.

One for the kids!

They've got furry tongues,
they've also got furry eyes.

That's quite weird, right?
Urgh. Yeah.

So, they have those big
compound eyes.

They've got hairs between them.

They grow at the intersection
of the lenses.

What I particularly love about bees,
they can really take their alcohol.

OK, so, scientists fed them
pure ethanol

and they can drink
the human equivalent

of ten litres of wine
in a single sitting.

Wow. Yeah, I know.
Give it up for the bees!

Oh, come on, we've all done
that when we've been dumped!

The best thing you can do for a bee

is stock your garden
full of flowers.

What do bears do in winter?

Shit in the woods.

KLAXON

APPLAUSE

Nice!

Obviously hibernate, right?

KLAXON

Watch TV?
No, they're not true hibernators.

So, there are a few species
that go into a deep sleep.

It's called a torpor.
But it's not hibernation.

So, a hibernating animal
will not wake

if there's a loud noise
or if you touch it or you move it.

But bears in torpor,
they can wake really easily.

And hibernating animals,

their temperatures drop
a tremendous deal,

whereas the bears' just decreases
a little bit in torpor.

Much less dramatic.

So the only British mammals
which truly hibernate

are things like hedgehogs
and dormice. Middle-aged men.

Middle-aged men.

Bats.

So, bears don't shit in the woods
in the winter. Why?

Why do they not do that?
Cold, innit?

Yes, that is true.
So what do they do instead?

They pay you good money to just...

Push it out! Bhangra it out!

Either they go or they don't go.
They don't go at all.

They keep in it. They keep it in.

So their first poo of the spring...
Good lord! Woo! Is... Yeah.

It must be like that bit
in Ghostbusters

when all the ghosts escape
out of the safe.

But there's a particular way
they keep it in.

Does anybody know what
the particular way is?

Cork. HOLLY: Cross their legs.

OK. You are the closest.
Really? Yes.

A cork!
I thought you said pork.

They use a small pig!

Imagine my confusion when he says
"pork" and you go,

"You're very close!"

They make a faecal plug
that's called a tappen.

It's sort of faeces dried out and
hardened and then they bung it up

inside and it stays that way
for six, seven months.

Oh!
And then shoots out in a mass...

It is... Let's say it's jettisoned
in the usual way.

Apparently it's not
a terrible smell.

The North American Bear Center
insists the odour is light

and not unpleasant.

Anyway, moving on.

Have a look at this sequence.

It goes 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 31...

What is wrong with the sequence?

Hmm. Well, they're all doubling up,
aren't they,

and then there's one...?
Apart from the last one.

So it should be what?
32. It should be 32.

KLAXON

I love this because it is a sort
of philosophical thing.

The fact is, we simply don't
have enough information here

in order to give
a single unique solution.

So, it would be that
if everything was doubled...

Sorry, I'll get my stick out.

So, if you have a quick look at
this. So the sequence is actually

the number of regions in a circle
and divided by the lines

connecting a number of points.
So, if you have a look here,

here's the one and there's one
point, so we have just one region.

Here is the two,
so we have two points

and we have divided it
into two regions.

When you get three points, like
that, it divides into four regions.

Four points like this,
eight regions.

Five, it becomes 16 regions.

But when you have six points,
there are 31 regions

and therefore it is a completely
correct sequence

that it should go
1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 31.

So there are at least
two valid answers.

32 just seems to us to be
the more obvious one.

That's because of the darts.

What? 32.

In darts, it's very important,
if you can... Yeah.

..to try to get to a double 16.

OK.
Because if you miss it,

your next dart is probably
going to be on a double 8.

And if you miss that,
you'll be on a double 4. Right.

But if you're on another double,
double 17, for example,

and you miss it and you hit
the 17... Yeah.

..you're not now on a double.

You've got to get
another odd number... Yeah.

..and then you can go onto a double.
Yes. How many people...?

It's best if you can...
Yes. ..to work to 32. Right.

Are there any darts players in
who'll back me up?

Yeah. Yeah. Three.

The QI audience
and the darts audience...

Is it an Olympic sport, darts?
No. Should be, though.

Anyway, I really, really like that
we just didn't know enough

to say what comes next so
it's a nice QI philosophical point.

1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 31
is a perfectly sensible answer

as long as you're asking
the right question.

If you hold your breath underwater,

what is it that makes you
want to come up for air?

I mean, the obvious thing is
lack of oxygen. To breathe.

KLAXON

It's not lack of oxygen.

Too much carbon dioxide. It is
too much... Yeah, exactly right.

Yes!

It's our body sensing
an excess of carbon dioxide,

not a lack of oxygen.

You can actually last
more than twice as long

as the CO2 reflex makes us think.

So, competitors of something called
static apnea - it's an inexplicable

thing you do, lying face-down in
the water and holding your breath,

they learn to completely ignore
this reflex

and they force themselves to
stay underwater

until their oxygen has genuinely
run out rather than coming up

when your internal CO2 sensors
go off.

So, there's a guy called
Branko Petrovic of Serbia.

He currently holds
the static apnea record.

Imagine this, he's lying
face-down in the water.

His record is 11 minutes and
54 seconds. Wow. Ridiculous.

I know, it doesn't sound like
it's going to be possible.

Why would you do that? Ridiculous.
It is a proper sport.

So, here's the thing.

If you breathe pure oxygen first,
it forces CO2 out of your body

so you can last longer.

I mean, some people consider
it cheating

but it is a way of doing it.

Aleix Segura of Spain
holds the record.

24 minutes and three seconds.
Holding his breath?!

Can he breathe
through his bumhole?

Not if he's a bear! No.

SANDI'S SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

Stay in your seats.
The bell doesn't dismiss you. I do.

Let's take a look at the scores.

In first place,
graduating summa cum laude...

Oh, my word, with minus 13,
it's Holly!

APPLAUSE

In second place, scraping through
on a 2:2, frankly, with minus 14,

Ade!

APPLAUSE

In third place with a fictional
diploma from Trump University,

on minus 19, Alan!

APPLAUSE

Third!

And in last place, with minus 27,

barely qualified
to wipe his own bottom...

..it's Nish!

APPLAUSE

That's it for this edition of QI.
Thanks to Ade, Holly, Nish and Alan.

And I leave you with a quaint
thought on qualifications

from Rita Mae Brown.

"Education is a wonderful thing.

"If you couldn't sign your name,
you'd have to pay cash." Goodnight.