QI (2003–…): Season 17, Episode 12 - Quagmire - full transcript
Sandi Toksvig gets stuck into a quagmire with Alan Davies, Aisling Bea, Sally Phillips and Sindhu Vee.
Good evening and welcome to QI,
where tonight we are wading
through a quagmire of Qs.
Rather than muddy the waters,
let's plunge right in.
Up to her neck in it,
it's Sally Phillips.
Getting bogged down,
it's Sindhu Vee.
Absolutely swamped,
it's Aisling Bea.
And the very emboggyment of QI,
it's Alan Davies.
Let's admire their quagmires.
Sally goes...
FROG CROAKING
That's nice. Sindhu goes...
BUBBLING NOISES
I've had weekends like that,
I have to say.
Aisling goes...
SPLASHING SOUNDS
Wow, so many things come to mind
that I am not going to say.
There's only one thing, really.
Alan goes...
QUAGMIRE: Giggedy Giggedy!
Quagmire? You don't know Quagmire?
No.
It's a character from Family Guy.
Do you not watch Family Guy?
No. OK.
Let's get stuck into some questions.
What's old, cheesy
and found in the Bog of Allen?
That's a good picture.
This is kind of blowing my mind.
Why?
Because I'm from the Bog of Allen.
We used to take school tours
to the Bog of Allen.
To the Bog of Allen?
So it's County Kildare.
Kildare. Yeah. OK.
And we didn't realise how special
it was, growing up,
but it's #realspecial.
Because?
Just because of its bogginess.
I just realised I didn't take
anything in on the day when we went.
OK, that's not really
what I'm looking for. OK.
It's one of the unique places
where you can find something.
A cheesy thing?
A cheesy thing, yes.
Yoghurt?
Keep going in the dairy thing.
Butter. Butter.
It's bog butter. What?
Bog butter.
So this is actual butter, buried...
Only one person enjoyed that.
My seven-year-old would be
on the floor laughing at that.
"Butter in the bog, ah-ha-ha-ha!"
There is a guy on YouTube
who has a whole channel devoted to
flushing different things
down the toilet.
Seriously? Yeah.
Like soft cheese, Cheesy Puffs.
Like a whole beef Wellington.
"And does it flush? Yes, it does."
So, I don't know what
I'm more worried about,
that that channel exists
or that you're watching it.
You're the only subscriber!
And Sally, is he single?
And reader, I married him!
I want to know how you crossed
the bog as schoolchildren.
Did you go on planks?
Do you know what?
There were actually planks,
and I remember one time we also
went on a retreat that we had to
cross it in the dead of night.
It was a Catholic retreat now,
so I think it was trying to make us
feel a bit like Jesus did,
or something.
The story of Jesus and the bog
is one that's not often told.
I know, but now Sandi, you don't
just immediately walk on water.
No. You have to build up to it.
Absolutely.
Anyway, butter.
Butter.
Butter buried in cloth or sometimes
in barrels, and left there,
and some of it has been there
for as long as 2,000 years
so clearly, been forgotten.
Still edible.
Sorry, who ate it?
Allen.
Allen, yes.
Because of the cold temperatures,
because of the high acidity
and the lack of oxygen, it actually
decomposes extremely slowly.
And, well, it makes our sell-by
dates look rather ridiculous,
frankly.
Now, the question is,
why did people decide to
bury their butter in the bog?
To stop the British
stealing the butter, maybe.
Theft is a really good reason.
What else? To preserve it. Yeah.
Preserve it,
particularly in the summer months.
Putting stuff in mud is a really
good preservation thing.
When I was young, in the summer,
my mother would make yoghurt
and say, "go and put it in the mud."
And then you'd forget. And then
she'd say, "bring the yoghurt"
and then you would leave and try and
get someone to adopt you because...
You couldn't remember where it was.
You couldn't be, "I lost the
yoghurt." Because that would be it.
So you would just leave the house.
All summer.
So that's how you've
ended up with us?
That's how I'm here. OK.
Did you have any bog people
come out of the Bog of Allen?
There were.
He went to school with us
for seven years.
Denmark has shed-loads
of dead people in the bogs.
In fact, one of the best preserved
bog bodies was a Dane,
a guy called the Tollund Man. Yes.
And actually, if you have a look,
it is, that is...
Ooh, there he is.
But isn't that extraordinary?
Quite often corpses like this
were found with incredible
signs of violence.
Hanged, beaten, strangled, stabbed.
And I don't mean one of those four,
I mean all of them.
And then thrown in the bog. Yes.
Really, really dead.
That is what you call overkill.
Yeah. Or...
It is actually,
that is the technical term,
it's called over-killing. Oh.
But then Sandi, can I ask,
if we know that people are being
tortured and then thrown
into bogs, what kind of school takes
children on a bog school trip?
An Irish Catholic school!
May I introduce you The Nuns?
That's some school.
"It's only an eighth
of what Jesus went through
for all of you little shits!
Do you understand me?"
Does anyone have any
butter for this roll?
So you get it, you get it wrapped in
cloth, you get it stored in barrels.
And there's a guy called Brian
Kaller, we actually spoke to him.
He recreated bog butter in an
experiment, at the Bog of Allen.
He only kept it for 18 months
in the bog,
which I think is not really
long enough.
It should be 2,000 years
at the minimum.
He says it has an earthy flavour
not unlike Parmesan cheese.
And apparently it's very
good on popcorn. Oh.
In Wales, they came up with
a completely different thing
to do with bogs. Any ideas?
I know this. Oh, right?
Because I play a part who's
the head of the Welsh Tourist Board
and they do bog snorkelling.
Yeah.
It was conceived in the
1970s in a pub, curiously.
Something's got hold of him. Yeah.
A dead body!
He's not alone in that water, is he?
No. No.
He does look startled. Yeah.
I don't know where number one
and number two are,
but they're under the water.
It's essentially a swimming race.
It takes place in a muddy trench
in the Waen Rhydd bog.
And contestants have to swim
110 metres
through the marsh wearing
a mask, snorkel and flippers.
They have to, they have to! Yeah.
But have a look, because some
of them, I think, haven't really
got the hang of it, you know,
your basic snorkelling, I think.
This guy.
This one. a little bit
more proficient,
He's actually got
the hang of using a snorkel.
To keep your butter fresh, you might
want to think outside the bogs.
Here's a tastier question,
where does Quorn come from?
Oh, yes?
No, I do know this for a fact.
Mo Farah makes it.
Do you eat it, Alan? Is it part of
your... Yes, I eat loads of it.
Yeah?
So do you know where it comes from?
Sainsbury's, I get it from.
Isn't it a fungus or something?
It is, it's a mycoprotein. Yeah.
So it's made entirely from fungi.
But why is it called Quorn? Oh.
Branding?
I mean, it's called Quorn
because if you said
"here's some myco-fungi,"
nobody would eat it.
Nobody would eat it.
Well, here's one of the most
delicious pieces of irony.
It's named after one of
the UK's biggest hunts.
Yeah.
I have to say that very carefully.
Yeah.
The hunt used to take place
at Quorn Hall, in Leicestershire,
in the village of Quorn.
It was the home of Hugo Meynell.
He was an MP and he was
an absolutely fanatical huntsman.
But it is a village.
And in 1914, the Quorn Specialist
Company of Leicester
registered the word as a trademark.
They did custard powders
and sauces and stuffings.
Because it's a vegetarian thing,
it's what they...
It is a vegetarian thing.
When you're a vegetarian
and you move here and you say
"I'm vegetarian," they start
presenting you with this stuff.
They say, "here's a Quorn hot dog,
and a Quorn hamburger."
And you're like, "I've never eaten
a hot dog or a hamburger.
Can I just have like, a tomato?
That's enough for me.
And you can spare me."
But you must have hell in Denmark,
because the Danes don't
understand vegetarianism.
Oh, the first time I went to
Denmark, I was going to meet
my future in-laws and my husband was
like, "Oh, let's go to McDonald's."
So it was a drive-in,
and then he said to the guy,
and that time I understood
no Danish,
so he just leaned over and like,
"hurdy hurdy hoo."
And I had no idea.
But you do know what I mean,
you know what I mean.
But you know what I mean.
That's what I heard.
I have a funny feeling you're
not going to win this evening.
That's what I heard.
And I won't say what
the lady said back.
She just said something in Danish.
And then she made two Big Macs,
then she put my husband's in the box
and then she took mine,
opened it, threw out the patty, put
that back on and handed it to us.
And she said,
"Yeah, we have vegetarian here."
And my husband was like,
"yeah, I'm sorry,
they're still catching up
with vegetarians."
But in 2004, the Quorn Hunt tried
to register their name for...
Well done.
Thank you.
You're going to slip up in a minute.
I know.
I can't wait.
I know.
So the hunt from Quorn
tried to register their name
for a range of non-foodstuffs,
and they couldn't,
because Marlow Foods, who own it,
objected and said
they might be adversely affected
by being associated with a hunt.
And they won.
Quorn gets its name
from a famous hunt.
Who searches for scollocks
around a bunny hole?
See, now you've nearly
said bollocks.
Is it Hugh Hefner?
It does sound like it.
We are using historical
slang from Cornwall.
I can tell you that
a hollibubber might search
for scollocks
around a bunny hole.
So, Cornwall,
what's Cornwall famous for?
Pixies. Pixies, I love that. No.
Crabs? Tin. It is quarrying.
We are in the world of quarrying.
Worrying.
Scollocks are small
pieces of stone which you might
find around the edge of a quarry.
The bunny hole is pretty
simple actually,
it's just the entrance to
the mine or the quarry.
And the hollibubber is someone
who makes a living collecting
these stones. So, we've got that.
Hollibubbers,
scollocks and bunny holes.
Can you work out what any of these
pieces of quarrying slang
might be used for in a sentence?
There they are. Oh, ho ho!
Anybody want to make a sentence
out of one of those words?
Dumble-hole is the online porno name
that Dumbledore goes by.
Yes.
Leggo's the most fun
you can have with plastic.
Leggo of me Knob, you Dumble-hole.
Or I'll Throstle you in the breast.
Yeah, there you go.
They're wonderful words.
To Knob is to remove protruding
pieces of stone.
No, no, it isn't.
Throstle-breast is any
kind of stone which has got
a sort of spotted appearance.
Dumble-hole is sweet, isn't it?
It's a derelict quarry.
So one that's no longer in use.
And Leggo is an old word
for a fault in a quarry.
Quarry, of course, comes from
the Latin meaning to make square.
That is, a place where square
blocks of stone were made.
What was the problem with
the biggest stone ever quarried?
It was really heavy.
Yes, is the right answer.
It rolled down the hill
and landed on Wile E. Coyote.
No, it was too heavy to move,
the largest stone ever quarried.
It was found in Lebanon in 2014.
It was named
The Stone of the Pregnant Woman.
It weighs 1,650 tonnes,
which is the same as 500 elephants,
or 8.25...
Um...
Camels.
Brontosauruses.
AUDIENCE: Blue whales!
Blue whales.
Blue whales!
But how can they say
it's the biggest stone ever?
Surely that would be the Earth.
It's the biggest stone quarried.
Or a cliff. Oh, quarried?
Because it had probably been cut
2,000 years ago.
It was intended for a nearby
Temple of Jupiter,
but it was so big
they never were able to move it.
So you can see, it has actually
been cut. Oh, I see.
It's not just a random bit of
earth. OK, yeah.
Right, quarries,
we're going back to quarries.
They can be rather dangerous places,
especially abandoned ones,
because they look rather inviting.
So there was a quarry,
a disused one in Buxton,
and this is not it, actually,
but it had bright blue water.
And it attracted lots of swimmers.
But it gets its colour
from the caustic alkaline
chemicals in the rock,
it gives it a really high PH.
So it's got a PH of 11.3.
So if you imagine bleach
has got a PH of 12.3.
Yeah, painful rashes is
what you're going to end up with.
And they put signs up,
people don't want to read signs,
people kept going,
"Yay, blue water!"
And in the end, in 2013, the council
opted to dye the water black.
And people went,
"Oh, yeah, I'm good.
I'm not going to go in there."
No matter how attractive they may
look, stay away from Dumble-holes.
It's like a lesbian advice night.
We should do a feature,
"Lesbian advice -
holes to steer clear of."
Number one, the Dumble-hole.
I quite like the idea of Alan
hosting a lesbian advice!
Yeah, I'll do it.
I'll say,
"other advice is available."
Right, OK.
Here we go.
How can I be certain
I'm not drunk right now?
Oh, it's very hard.
I once, my body
became a micro-brewery.
What? Yeah.
I felt terrible
and a bit woozy all the time.
Was that just like
a terrible yeast infection?
Yes. Just basically.
In my brain,
I had thrush in my brain.
What? I know that.
Which made me drunk.
Yeah, I went to, I had Salmonella.
Sorry, wait, wait, wait, whoa!
I went to...
Whoa! Yes?
I went to Mexico with Oxfam
and they used me as a kind of
test-run for Coldplay.
And so I went round
and everywhere I went, people would
kill a chicken and cook it in a bin.
And naturally I got incredibly ill
and was hospitalised
with Salmonella.
And for many months after that,
I had like chronic fatigue syndrome,
and no-one could work out
what was wrong.
I was having tests everywhere.
And it turned out that it was
yeast in my brain.
Oh, my God! Yes, so...
You could have produced
sour dough in your head.
Yeah.
I was making my own alcohol.
I was just pissed.
Oh, my God! Wow! All the time.
But did you feel pissed?
I suppose I did, in retrospect,
but I didn't think I was,
because I wasn't drinking.
To be honest, Sally,
you were great fun at the time.
I was very easy.
Can I just say that
none of this is where
I was heading with this question?
Also...
The whole question is about quartz.
Quartz?
Yeah, about quartz,
specifically amethyst.
What was the question again?
How can I be certain
I'm not drunk right now?
Oh, right, OK.
And the answer is
to do with amethyst.
So it's a violet version of quartz
and Anglican bishops traditionally
wear an amethyst ring to remind
themselves that they are not drunk.
Oh, look at this!
Have you got an amethyst on? Yes.
Oh, my word.
And I can tell you now that
mama's been drinking and it's...
Woo! Yeah, always.
But why do you wear it, darling?
Just because you think it's pretty?
No, I basically grew up a Catholic,
shunned Catholicism
because I was like,
that magic isn't real.
And then immediately replaced it
with all sorts of like lady magic,
like crystals and psychics and
crystal healers and energy healers.
And reading my star signs
instead of the news.
The belief that amethyst keeps you
sober dates back to antiquity.
It comes from the ancient
Greek word, amethustos.
It translates as 'not intoxicated'.
Oh.
And what's interesting to me
is that you have something
that is ancient and comes
originally from the Greeks and then
goes into traditional religion.
So bishops traditionally wear
the amethyst ring to remind them
that they are not drunk, that they
are filled with the Holy Spirit,
is the idea.
I believe in the power of colour
and holding something external
to yourself and energy and power.
Because if you look at what powers
a watch, it's just quartz.
So there is a lot of power
in stones.
Other advice is available.
A bishop can tell how squiffy
he is by taking a look at his ring.
But why would a Scotsman
want a glass bottom?
Well, you can see through a glass
bottom, can't you? You can.
Why might you want to see
through a glass bottom?
We are in a particular kind of
drinking done in Scotland.
Whisky drinking?
Yes, what might you drink
whisky out of in Scotland?
A glass? A tumbler.
It's a special kind of cup
called a quaich. A what?
It's called a quaich.
Yes. Oh.
It's a shallow cup, it's used
traditionally to drink whisky,
often made with a glass bottom.
That normally has
mango chutney in it.
OK, so, there's some thought
that Bonny Prince Charlie
supposedly liked to see through
the base of his, of his cup,
just in case his enemies
were up to anything.
You can drink and
still use your eyes. Yeah.
So we thought it would be great
to let everybody have a drink.
Some whisky? Yes, please.
Yes, so, I'm very pleased with this.
It is Toksvig's Finest Whisky.
There you go.
This is the most, like,
rock and roll QI has ever been.
There it is, there you go.
Skol, skol.
Skol. I can't open mine.
Go for it. Slainte.
Slainte. Cheers. Cheers.
But still looking at the bottoms
of drinking vessels.
The ancient Greek kylix.
So, this is a wonderful thing, it's
a shallow drinking cup for wine.
It's similar to one of these cups,
but it had obscene pictures
painted on the inside,
which were gradually revealed.
Oh!
We've censored this,
because, you know.
And they would have
things like a couple having sex,
a man wiping his bottom.
Naked people.
And then an eye cup.
So it's a wide mug with eyes
and sometimes a nose painted on the
outside, and it looked like you were
wearing a mask when you drank it.
That's so great. And sometimes
they painted ships on the inside,
so it looked like the ships were
sailing on the wine as you drank it.
I think we should have
more fun with cups. Yeah.
How great that you're drinking,
you're getting pissed, and at
the bottom of the cup is something
that you're probably going to do,
you know, when you've been drinking.
Like an instruction manual? Yes.
Like, you know what?
This is where this is heading. Ooh.
I feel like that just
kind of cuts to the chase.
I would be really annoyed though,
if I got to the end of my cup,
and I was like, "so what now,
I have to learn the flute as well?"
OK, so I just want to see what
kind of audience we have in tonight.
Who would like us to remove
the pixels? Put your hands up.
"Hey, brilliant."
Who is quite happy with it
being censored?
Oh, my. No-one at all.
The best audience.
All right, let's remove the pixels
and see what's behind.
It's going to be a flute.
Literally nothing.
Aah!
Genuine disappointment.
What a tease!
Well, especially for him.
Conflicts in the 18th century
would end
with a great Scottish quaich-off.
Hey.
I'm working.
Now, that brings us to the round
where things are always
as clear as mud, General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
Other than a dog,
what's the one thing you need
to play a game of Fetch?
Yes? An arm.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Fair enough.
What else do you need?
One of those ball launcher things.
Yes, I love those.
What is the thing you don't need?
You don't need a stick.
You don't need a stick. In fact, the
People's Dispensary of Sick Animals
say it causes horrible injuries
to dogs.
They get lodged in the throat,
they get cuts. Really?!
They get splinters, it can get down
into their digestive system.
What you need is a ball,
and I'm going to just show you,
I think probably the finest dog
in the world just catching a ball.
Let's have a... This is, er...
Aah. That is my dog Mildred.
Aah!
APPLAUSE
Isn't she gorgeous?
I think she's very clever.
What is the general thing? Do we
think dogs are clever or not clever?
Super clever. Super clever.
Doesn't it depend on the dog,
like with humans?
No, it depends on whether
you like dogs, really. Yes.
Fundamentally. So they've done lots
of analysis of all the different
studies of dogs, and they're of
average intelligence, frankly,
compared with similar
animals like...
LAUGHTER
But people who like dogs
will say it's great.
Most authors who want to set out
to prove that dogs are really
smart already think so.
But then that's the same as humans,
isn't it? There are some real
dum-dums out there, guys.
Absolutely.
Many vets say that playing
fetch can be dangerous,
though they can expect to get
a bit of stick.
LAUGHTER
Right, here's another
controversial idea.
What's so wasteful about this fruit?
Yes, darling?
It's all wrapped in things
that are bad for the environment.
OK, so, here's the thing,
we're not going to klaxon this one,
but it is an interesting point,
rather than a trick question.
So, here's one of the biggest
problems in the West is about
throwing away food.
According to some environmentalists,
the carbon release associated
with food waste is a much greater
problem than any pollution
caused by plastic waste.
And here's the thing - sometimes
wrapped in plastic is a GOOD thing.
It can be a very efficient
way to keep food fresh.
So, a shrink-wrapped cucumber
will last four times longer
than one that is just loose.
Bananas in a perforated
plastic bag will last
twice as long as a loose bunch.
And pears in a plastic
bag in a fridge will last
14 days longer than left
loose in a fruit bowl.
So, the best idea is not to buy food
that you're going to throw out
at all.
Also, edible packaging
is the future. Yes. OK.
Now when they deliver the newspaper,
it comes in something made
out of potatoes. Does it?
Yeah, and you have to stuff
it in your veg recycling.
Oh, I did not know people still had
newspapers delivered. There we are.
LAUGHTER
Plastic is undoubtedly bad for
the environment, but it can be good
for making your fruit last longer.
Which Chinese dynasty made
the most valuable vases?
Ming.
KLAXON
Yes? Quing.
LAUGHTER
Well, we will get there eventually.
Bling. It rhymes with "bling". Ping.
SHE LAUGHS
Thing. Thing, I like thing.
Most expensive Chinese item ever
sold at auction is a Qing vase.
It went for £43 million in 2010.
Here's the thing about it -
a brother and sister found it
in their parents' attic
in West London.
Nobody knew how
it had ended up there.
And if you look at it,
it's full of holes.
It's not even a very good vase,
is it?!
The most expensive Ming vase sold
in 2011 for a mere 17.25 million.
Who's paying this money for a vase?
It's insane. In the end, it's only
worth what someone will hand over.
Yeah. So, these are
the different ones.
There's a Ding on the left.
Are you kidding?
A Ming and a Qing.
These are all different types.
Ding are the cheapest,
they're the ones on the left.
There was one bought for 3
at a yard sale in New York,
and it sold for 2.2 million.
SHE GASPS
Whoa!
But you can see the decoration
is strikingly less intricate
than the Ming and the Qing.
And it also has no holes,
so who's going to waste
money on that vase, right?
It is always like when one of those
goes onto Antiques Road Show,
I'm always waiting
for someone to go...
MULTIPLE BLEEPS
What?!
Like, there's no way I would be
like, "Yeah, I bought this
"for three quid in New York
and now it's what, 2.2 million?"
BLEEPS
Are you... kidding me?!
Oh, my...
And by that, I mean,
"lovely stuff, great."
LAUGHTER
Well, they say that, and they say,
OK, we're going to have to do
the reaction again. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So would you mind saying, "Oh,
I wouldn't dream of selling it."
LAUGHTER
"It belonged to my grandmother."
So, the high price is put down now
to patriotism of the newly
wealthy Chinese collectors,
cos a lot of it came to Europe
and now they want to have it back.
But the worst story about these
fabulous vases was in 2006,
I don't know if you remember,
there were three Qing vases in the
Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge.
They were on a staircase
and a member of the public
was coming down the staircase
and stumbled. Oh, stop! Yeah!
Smashed them.
"The visitor tumbled down
the right-hand flight of stairs
"then along the windowsill
from right to left,
"colliding with each vase in turn.
"The impact reduced them to rubble
and scattered them
"across the landing and the stairs."
Was it Fiona Bruce? It wasn't.
LAUGHTER
What is amazing about this picture,
this is the vases after
they've been restored?
Do you not think that is a
remarkable...? They mended them?
Yeah, they mended them. You know,
I have to tell my mum that. Yeah.
She was here. This story had
come out and I was like,
Oh, my God, Mummy, that's terrible.
And she said, "Who fell down?
"Who fell on the vase?
Did they kill him?"
LAUGHTER
So I'm going to tell her.
Yeah, it's all fine.
They look so pretty
now they're back. Yeah.
If you knock something
over in a shop,
the moment you knock it over,
you have to go like this.
"Oh, you little bastard!
Where's he gone?!"
LAUGHTER
There's a little kid, a silly little
kid just knocked something over!
I'll go outside and look for him.
LAUGHTER
Other advice is available.
LAUGHTER,
APPLAUSE
Right, where's the traditional place
for Irishmen to celebrate
Paddy's Day?
In a pub?
KLAXON
Well. Why not the pub?
In England?
Alan, why not the pub?
Why not the pub?
Cos it's a holy day.
Yeah, it's a holy day.
It's St Patrick's Day, March 17th.
All pubs in Ireland used to be
closed, 1927 to 1960.
It usually falls on Lent and all
alcohol sales, under the same kind
of law, were banned on Good Friday,
for even longer, 1927 to 2017.
However, there was one place
in Ireland where you could buy
a drink on that day, and it
was the Royal Dublin Dog Show.
It was historically a Protestant
community event.
But everybody went,
because whether you're
a dog-lover or not...
LAUGHTER
Very funny.
..because you could get a drink.
I love that.
IRISH ACCENT: "I love dogs,
I've always loved dogs.
"I love dogs and St Patrick."
The great Irish poet Brendan Behan
is supposed to have abducted
a stray poodle in order to
get into the members' lounge.
But I love that. Do you think, that
should still be going on now,
I think, don't you? That people
should have to bend the rules,
find a dog to get a drink.
It'd be rather fine.
You know there was that time, that
awful time in British history
where in a lot of pubs and venues
they'd say "no blacks, no dogs,
no Irish". And I always think, that
feels like the stupidest thing
in the world, cos can you imagine
a pub with just black people,
just Irish people and just dogs?
Like, that's the most craic
I've ever heard in my life.
LAUGHTER
Is there still that thing in Dublin
that they have singing
and non-singing pubs?
Irish people naturally all
think they're great singers,
cos of an actual sadness
in our necks.
Like, give me a song, give me any
song that I might know the words to
and I'll show you what I mean.
Twinkle, Twinkle.
# Twinkle, twinkle little star
# How I wonder what you are. #
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
The Danes would just be sitting
in the corner crying, going,
DANISH ACCENT:
"She's absolutely right."
LAUGHTER
Which brings us to the
messy matter of the scores.
In first place,
emerging completely unsoiled, oh,
with five points, it's Sally.
APPLAUSE
In second place,
with four whole points, Aisling.
APPLAUSE
Yay!
In penultimate place,
with minus 17, Alan.
APPLAUSE
And in last place, for Pete's sake,
with minus 27, Sindhu!
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Sindhu,
Aisling, Sally and Alan.
And goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
where tonight we are wading
through a quagmire of Qs.
Rather than muddy the waters,
let's plunge right in.
Up to her neck in it,
it's Sally Phillips.
Getting bogged down,
it's Sindhu Vee.
Absolutely swamped,
it's Aisling Bea.
And the very emboggyment of QI,
it's Alan Davies.
Let's admire their quagmires.
Sally goes...
FROG CROAKING
That's nice. Sindhu goes...
BUBBLING NOISES
I've had weekends like that,
I have to say.
Aisling goes...
SPLASHING SOUNDS
Wow, so many things come to mind
that I am not going to say.
There's only one thing, really.
Alan goes...
QUAGMIRE: Giggedy Giggedy!
Quagmire? You don't know Quagmire?
No.
It's a character from Family Guy.
Do you not watch Family Guy?
No. OK.
Let's get stuck into some questions.
What's old, cheesy
and found in the Bog of Allen?
That's a good picture.
This is kind of blowing my mind.
Why?
Because I'm from the Bog of Allen.
We used to take school tours
to the Bog of Allen.
To the Bog of Allen?
So it's County Kildare.
Kildare. Yeah. OK.
And we didn't realise how special
it was, growing up,
but it's #realspecial.
Because?
Just because of its bogginess.
I just realised I didn't take
anything in on the day when we went.
OK, that's not really
what I'm looking for. OK.
It's one of the unique places
where you can find something.
A cheesy thing?
A cheesy thing, yes.
Yoghurt?
Keep going in the dairy thing.
Butter. Butter.
It's bog butter. What?
Bog butter.
So this is actual butter, buried...
Only one person enjoyed that.
My seven-year-old would be
on the floor laughing at that.
"Butter in the bog, ah-ha-ha-ha!"
There is a guy on YouTube
who has a whole channel devoted to
flushing different things
down the toilet.
Seriously? Yeah.
Like soft cheese, Cheesy Puffs.
Like a whole beef Wellington.
"And does it flush? Yes, it does."
So, I don't know what
I'm more worried about,
that that channel exists
or that you're watching it.
You're the only subscriber!
And Sally, is he single?
And reader, I married him!
I want to know how you crossed
the bog as schoolchildren.
Did you go on planks?
Do you know what?
There were actually planks,
and I remember one time we also
went on a retreat that we had to
cross it in the dead of night.
It was a Catholic retreat now,
so I think it was trying to make us
feel a bit like Jesus did,
or something.
The story of Jesus and the bog
is one that's not often told.
I know, but now Sandi, you don't
just immediately walk on water.
No. You have to build up to it.
Absolutely.
Anyway, butter.
Butter.
Butter buried in cloth or sometimes
in barrels, and left there,
and some of it has been there
for as long as 2,000 years
so clearly, been forgotten.
Still edible.
Sorry, who ate it?
Allen.
Allen, yes.
Because of the cold temperatures,
because of the high acidity
and the lack of oxygen, it actually
decomposes extremely slowly.
And, well, it makes our sell-by
dates look rather ridiculous,
frankly.
Now, the question is,
why did people decide to
bury their butter in the bog?
To stop the British
stealing the butter, maybe.
Theft is a really good reason.
What else? To preserve it. Yeah.
Preserve it,
particularly in the summer months.
Putting stuff in mud is a really
good preservation thing.
When I was young, in the summer,
my mother would make yoghurt
and say, "go and put it in the mud."
And then you'd forget. And then
she'd say, "bring the yoghurt"
and then you would leave and try and
get someone to adopt you because...
You couldn't remember where it was.
You couldn't be, "I lost the
yoghurt." Because that would be it.
So you would just leave the house.
All summer.
So that's how you've
ended up with us?
That's how I'm here. OK.
Did you have any bog people
come out of the Bog of Allen?
There were.
He went to school with us
for seven years.
Denmark has shed-loads
of dead people in the bogs.
In fact, one of the best preserved
bog bodies was a Dane,
a guy called the Tollund Man. Yes.
And actually, if you have a look,
it is, that is...
Ooh, there he is.
But isn't that extraordinary?
Quite often corpses like this
were found with incredible
signs of violence.
Hanged, beaten, strangled, stabbed.
And I don't mean one of those four,
I mean all of them.
And then thrown in the bog. Yes.
Really, really dead.
That is what you call overkill.
Yeah. Or...
It is actually,
that is the technical term,
it's called over-killing. Oh.
But then Sandi, can I ask,
if we know that people are being
tortured and then thrown
into bogs, what kind of school takes
children on a bog school trip?
An Irish Catholic school!
May I introduce you The Nuns?
That's some school.
"It's only an eighth
of what Jesus went through
for all of you little shits!
Do you understand me?"
Does anyone have any
butter for this roll?
So you get it, you get it wrapped in
cloth, you get it stored in barrels.
And there's a guy called Brian
Kaller, we actually spoke to him.
He recreated bog butter in an
experiment, at the Bog of Allen.
He only kept it for 18 months
in the bog,
which I think is not really
long enough.
It should be 2,000 years
at the minimum.
He says it has an earthy flavour
not unlike Parmesan cheese.
And apparently it's very
good on popcorn. Oh.
In Wales, they came up with
a completely different thing
to do with bogs. Any ideas?
I know this. Oh, right?
Because I play a part who's
the head of the Welsh Tourist Board
and they do bog snorkelling.
Yeah.
It was conceived in the
1970s in a pub, curiously.
Something's got hold of him. Yeah.
A dead body!
He's not alone in that water, is he?
No. No.
He does look startled. Yeah.
I don't know where number one
and number two are,
but they're under the water.
It's essentially a swimming race.
It takes place in a muddy trench
in the Waen Rhydd bog.
And contestants have to swim
110 metres
through the marsh wearing
a mask, snorkel and flippers.
They have to, they have to! Yeah.
But have a look, because some
of them, I think, haven't really
got the hang of it, you know,
your basic snorkelling, I think.
This guy.
This one. a little bit
more proficient,
He's actually got
the hang of using a snorkel.
To keep your butter fresh, you might
want to think outside the bogs.
Here's a tastier question,
where does Quorn come from?
Oh, yes?
No, I do know this for a fact.
Mo Farah makes it.
Do you eat it, Alan? Is it part of
your... Yes, I eat loads of it.
Yeah?
So do you know where it comes from?
Sainsbury's, I get it from.
Isn't it a fungus or something?
It is, it's a mycoprotein. Yeah.
So it's made entirely from fungi.
But why is it called Quorn? Oh.
Branding?
I mean, it's called Quorn
because if you said
"here's some myco-fungi,"
nobody would eat it.
Nobody would eat it.
Well, here's one of the most
delicious pieces of irony.
It's named after one of
the UK's biggest hunts.
Yeah.
I have to say that very carefully.
Yeah.
The hunt used to take place
at Quorn Hall, in Leicestershire,
in the village of Quorn.
It was the home of Hugo Meynell.
He was an MP and he was
an absolutely fanatical huntsman.
But it is a village.
And in 1914, the Quorn Specialist
Company of Leicester
registered the word as a trademark.
They did custard powders
and sauces and stuffings.
Because it's a vegetarian thing,
it's what they...
It is a vegetarian thing.
When you're a vegetarian
and you move here and you say
"I'm vegetarian," they start
presenting you with this stuff.
They say, "here's a Quorn hot dog,
and a Quorn hamburger."
And you're like, "I've never eaten
a hot dog or a hamburger.
Can I just have like, a tomato?
That's enough for me.
And you can spare me."
But you must have hell in Denmark,
because the Danes don't
understand vegetarianism.
Oh, the first time I went to
Denmark, I was going to meet
my future in-laws and my husband was
like, "Oh, let's go to McDonald's."
So it was a drive-in,
and then he said to the guy,
and that time I understood
no Danish,
so he just leaned over and like,
"hurdy hurdy hoo."
And I had no idea.
But you do know what I mean,
you know what I mean.
But you know what I mean.
That's what I heard.
I have a funny feeling you're
not going to win this evening.
That's what I heard.
And I won't say what
the lady said back.
She just said something in Danish.
And then she made two Big Macs,
then she put my husband's in the box
and then she took mine,
opened it, threw out the patty, put
that back on and handed it to us.
And she said,
"Yeah, we have vegetarian here."
And my husband was like,
"yeah, I'm sorry,
they're still catching up
with vegetarians."
But in 2004, the Quorn Hunt tried
to register their name for...
Well done.
Thank you.
You're going to slip up in a minute.
I know.
I can't wait.
I know.
So the hunt from Quorn
tried to register their name
for a range of non-foodstuffs,
and they couldn't,
because Marlow Foods, who own it,
objected and said
they might be adversely affected
by being associated with a hunt.
And they won.
Quorn gets its name
from a famous hunt.
Who searches for scollocks
around a bunny hole?
See, now you've nearly
said bollocks.
Is it Hugh Hefner?
It does sound like it.
We are using historical
slang from Cornwall.
I can tell you that
a hollibubber might search
for scollocks
around a bunny hole.
So, Cornwall,
what's Cornwall famous for?
Pixies. Pixies, I love that. No.
Crabs? Tin. It is quarrying.
We are in the world of quarrying.
Worrying.
Scollocks are small
pieces of stone which you might
find around the edge of a quarry.
The bunny hole is pretty
simple actually,
it's just the entrance to
the mine or the quarry.
And the hollibubber is someone
who makes a living collecting
these stones. So, we've got that.
Hollibubbers,
scollocks and bunny holes.
Can you work out what any of these
pieces of quarrying slang
might be used for in a sentence?
There they are. Oh, ho ho!
Anybody want to make a sentence
out of one of those words?
Dumble-hole is the online porno name
that Dumbledore goes by.
Yes.
Leggo's the most fun
you can have with plastic.
Leggo of me Knob, you Dumble-hole.
Or I'll Throstle you in the breast.
Yeah, there you go.
They're wonderful words.
To Knob is to remove protruding
pieces of stone.
No, no, it isn't.
Throstle-breast is any
kind of stone which has got
a sort of spotted appearance.
Dumble-hole is sweet, isn't it?
It's a derelict quarry.
So one that's no longer in use.
And Leggo is an old word
for a fault in a quarry.
Quarry, of course, comes from
the Latin meaning to make square.
That is, a place where square
blocks of stone were made.
What was the problem with
the biggest stone ever quarried?
It was really heavy.
Yes, is the right answer.
It rolled down the hill
and landed on Wile E. Coyote.
No, it was too heavy to move,
the largest stone ever quarried.
It was found in Lebanon in 2014.
It was named
The Stone of the Pregnant Woman.
It weighs 1,650 tonnes,
which is the same as 500 elephants,
or 8.25...
Um...
Camels.
Brontosauruses.
AUDIENCE: Blue whales!
Blue whales.
Blue whales!
But how can they say
it's the biggest stone ever?
Surely that would be the Earth.
It's the biggest stone quarried.
Or a cliff. Oh, quarried?
Because it had probably been cut
2,000 years ago.
It was intended for a nearby
Temple of Jupiter,
but it was so big
they never were able to move it.
So you can see, it has actually
been cut. Oh, I see.
It's not just a random bit of
earth. OK, yeah.
Right, quarries,
we're going back to quarries.
They can be rather dangerous places,
especially abandoned ones,
because they look rather inviting.
So there was a quarry,
a disused one in Buxton,
and this is not it, actually,
but it had bright blue water.
And it attracted lots of swimmers.
But it gets its colour
from the caustic alkaline
chemicals in the rock,
it gives it a really high PH.
So it's got a PH of 11.3.
So if you imagine bleach
has got a PH of 12.3.
Yeah, painful rashes is
what you're going to end up with.
And they put signs up,
people don't want to read signs,
people kept going,
"Yay, blue water!"
And in the end, in 2013, the council
opted to dye the water black.
And people went,
"Oh, yeah, I'm good.
I'm not going to go in there."
No matter how attractive they may
look, stay away from Dumble-holes.
It's like a lesbian advice night.
We should do a feature,
"Lesbian advice -
holes to steer clear of."
Number one, the Dumble-hole.
I quite like the idea of Alan
hosting a lesbian advice!
Yeah, I'll do it.
I'll say,
"other advice is available."
Right, OK.
Here we go.
How can I be certain
I'm not drunk right now?
Oh, it's very hard.
I once, my body
became a micro-brewery.
What? Yeah.
I felt terrible
and a bit woozy all the time.
Was that just like
a terrible yeast infection?
Yes. Just basically.
In my brain,
I had thrush in my brain.
What? I know that.
Which made me drunk.
Yeah, I went to, I had Salmonella.
Sorry, wait, wait, wait, whoa!
I went to...
Whoa! Yes?
I went to Mexico with Oxfam
and they used me as a kind of
test-run for Coldplay.
And so I went round
and everywhere I went, people would
kill a chicken and cook it in a bin.
And naturally I got incredibly ill
and was hospitalised
with Salmonella.
And for many months after that,
I had like chronic fatigue syndrome,
and no-one could work out
what was wrong.
I was having tests everywhere.
And it turned out that it was
yeast in my brain.
Oh, my God! Yes, so...
You could have produced
sour dough in your head.
Yeah.
I was making my own alcohol.
I was just pissed.
Oh, my God! Wow! All the time.
But did you feel pissed?
I suppose I did, in retrospect,
but I didn't think I was,
because I wasn't drinking.
To be honest, Sally,
you were great fun at the time.
I was very easy.
Can I just say that
none of this is where
I was heading with this question?
Also...
The whole question is about quartz.
Quartz?
Yeah, about quartz,
specifically amethyst.
What was the question again?
How can I be certain
I'm not drunk right now?
Oh, right, OK.
And the answer is
to do with amethyst.
So it's a violet version of quartz
and Anglican bishops traditionally
wear an amethyst ring to remind
themselves that they are not drunk.
Oh, look at this!
Have you got an amethyst on? Yes.
Oh, my word.
And I can tell you now that
mama's been drinking and it's...
Woo! Yeah, always.
But why do you wear it, darling?
Just because you think it's pretty?
No, I basically grew up a Catholic,
shunned Catholicism
because I was like,
that magic isn't real.
And then immediately replaced it
with all sorts of like lady magic,
like crystals and psychics and
crystal healers and energy healers.
And reading my star signs
instead of the news.
The belief that amethyst keeps you
sober dates back to antiquity.
It comes from the ancient
Greek word, amethustos.
It translates as 'not intoxicated'.
Oh.
And what's interesting to me
is that you have something
that is ancient and comes
originally from the Greeks and then
goes into traditional religion.
So bishops traditionally wear
the amethyst ring to remind them
that they are not drunk, that they
are filled with the Holy Spirit,
is the idea.
I believe in the power of colour
and holding something external
to yourself and energy and power.
Because if you look at what powers
a watch, it's just quartz.
So there is a lot of power
in stones.
Other advice is available.
A bishop can tell how squiffy
he is by taking a look at his ring.
But why would a Scotsman
want a glass bottom?
Well, you can see through a glass
bottom, can't you? You can.
Why might you want to see
through a glass bottom?
We are in a particular kind of
drinking done in Scotland.
Whisky drinking?
Yes, what might you drink
whisky out of in Scotland?
A glass? A tumbler.
It's a special kind of cup
called a quaich. A what?
It's called a quaich.
Yes. Oh.
It's a shallow cup, it's used
traditionally to drink whisky,
often made with a glass bottom.
That normally has
mango chutney in it.
OK, so, there's some thought
that Bonny Prince Charlie
supposedly liked to see through
the base of his, of his cup,
just in case his enemies
were up to anything.
You can drink and
still use your eyes. Yeah.
So we thought it would be great
to let everybody have a drink.
Some whisky? Yes, please.
Yes, so, I'm very pleased with this.
It is Toksvig's Finest Whisky.
There you go.
This is the most, like,
rock and roll QI has ever been.
There it is, there you go.
Skol, skol.
Skol. I can't open mine.
Go for it. Slainte.
Slainte. Cheers. Cheers.
But still looking at the bottoms
of drinking vessels.
The ancient Greek kylix.
So, this is a wonderful thing, it's
a shallow drinking cup for wine.
It's similar to one of these cups,
but it had obscene pictures
painted on the inside,
which were gradually revealed.
Oh!
We've censored this,
because, you know.
And they would have
things like a couple having sex,
a man wiping his bottom.
Naked people.
And then an eye cup.
So it's a wide mug with eyes
and sometimes a nose painted on the
outside, and it looked like you were
wearing a mask when you drank it.
That's so great. And sometimes
they painted ships on the inside,
so it looked like the ships were
sailing on the wine as you drank it.
I think we should have
more fun with cups. Yeah.
How great that you're drinking,
you're getting pissed, and at
the bottom of the cup is something
that you're probably going to do,
you know, when you've been drinking.
Like an instruction manual? Yes.
Like, you know what?
This is where this is heading. Ooh.
I feel like that just
kind of cuts to the chase.
I would be really annoyed though,
if I got to the end of my cup,
and I was like, "so what now,
I have to learn the flute as well?"
OK, so I just want to see what
kind of audience we have in tonight.
Who would like us to remove
the pixels? Put your hands up.
"Hey, brilliant."
Who is quite happy with it
being censored?
Oh, my. No-one at all.
The best audience.
All right, let's remove the pixels
and see what's behind.
It's going to be a flute.
Literally nothing.
Aah!
Genuine disappointment.
What a tease!
Well, especially for him.
Conflicts in the 18th century
would end
with a great Scottish quaich-off.
Hey.
I'm working.
Now, that brings us to the round
where things are always
as clear as mud, General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
Other than a dog,
what's the one thing you need
to play a game of Fetch?
Yes? An arm.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Fair enough.
What else do you need?
One of those ball launcher things.
Yes, I love those.
What is the thing you don't need?
You don't need a stick.
You don't need a stick. In fact, the
People's Dispensary of Sick Animals
say it causes horrible injuries
to dogs.
They get lodged in the throat,
they get cuts. Really?!
They get splinters, it can get down
into their digestive system.
What you need is a ball,
and I'm going to just show you,
I think probably the finest dog
in the world just catching a ball.
Let's have a... This is, er...
Aah. That is my dog Mildred.
Aah!
APPLAUSE
Isn't she gorgeous?
I think she's very clever.
What is the general thing? Do we
think dogs are clever or not clever?
Super clever. Super clever.
Doesn't it depend on the dog,
like with humans?
No, it depends on whether
you like dogs, really. Yes.
Fundamentally. So they've done lots
of analysis of all the different
studies of dogs, and they're of
average intelligence, frankly,
compared with similar
animals like...
LAUGHTER
But people who like dogs
will say it's great.
Most authors who want to set out
to prove that dogs are really
smart already think so.
But then that's the same as humans,
isn't it? There are some real
dum-dums out there, guys.
Absolutely.
Many vets say that playing
fetch can be dangerous,
though they can expect to get
a bit of stick.
LAUGHTER
Right, here's another
controversial idea.
What's so wasteful about this fruit?
Yes, darling?
It's all wrapped in things
that are bad for the environment.
OK, so, here's the thing,
we're not going to klaxon this one,
but it is an interesting point,
rather than a trick question.
So, here's one of the biggest
problems in the West is about
throwing away food.
According to some environmentalists,
the carbon release associated
with food waste is a much greater
problem than any pollution
caused by plastic waste.
And here's the thing - sometimes
wrapped in plastic is a GOOD thing.
It can be a very efficient
way to keep food fresh.
So, a shrink-wrapped cucumber
will last four times longer
than one that is just loose.
Bananas in a perforated
plastic bag will last
twice as long as a loose bunch.
And pears in a plastic
bag in a fridge will last
14 days longer than left
loose in a fruit bowl.
So, the best idea is not to buy food
that you're going to throw out
at all.
Also, edible packaging
is the future. Yes. OK.
Now when they deliver the newspaper,
it comes in something made
out of potatoes. Does it?
Yeah, and you have to stuff
it in your veg recycling.
Oh, I did not know people still had
newspapers delivered. There we are.
LAUGHTER
Plastic is undoubtedly bad for
the environment, but it can be good
for making your fruit last longer.
Which Chinese dynasty made
the most valuable vases?
Ming.
KLAXON
Yes? Quing.
LAUGHTER
Well, we will get there eventually.
Bling. It rhymes with "bling". Ping.
SHE LAUGHS
Thing. Thing, I like thing.
Most expensive Chinese item ever
sold at auction is a Qing vase.
It went for £43 million in 2010.
Here's the thing about it -
a brother and sister found it
in their parents' attic
in West London.
Nobody knew how
it had ended up there.
And if you look at it,
it's full of holes.
It's not even a very good vase,
is it?!
The most expensive Ming vase sold
in 2011 for a mere 17.25 million.
Who's paying this money for a vase?
It's insane. In the end, it's only
worth what someone will hand over.
Yeah. So, these are
the different ones.
There's a Ding on the left.
Are you kidding?
A Ming and a Qing.
These are all different types.
Ding are the cheapest,
they're the ones on the left.
There was one bought for 3
at a yard sale in New York,
and it sold for 2.2 million.
SHE GASPS
Whoa!
But you can see the decoration
is strikingly less intricate
than the Ming and the Qing.
And it also has no holes,
so who's going to waste
money on that vase, right?
It is always like when one of those
goes onto Antiques Road Show,
I'm always waiting
for someone to go...
MULTIPLE BLEEPS
What?!
Like, there's no way I would be
like, "Yeah, I bought this
"for three quid in New York
and now it's what, 2.2 million?"
BLEEPS
Are you... kidding me?!
Oh, my...
And by that, I mean,
"lovely stuff, great."
LAUGHTER
Well, they say that, and they say,
OK, we're going to have to do
the reaction again. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So would you mind saying, "Oh,
I wouldn't dream of selling it."
LAUGHTER
"It belonged to my grandmother."
So, the high price is put down now
to patriotism of the newly
wealthy Chinese collectors,
cos a lot of it came to Europe
and now they want to have it back.
But the worst story about these
fabulous vases was in 2006,
I don't know if you remember,
there were three Qing vases in the
Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge.
They were on a staircase
and a member of the public
was coming down the staircase
and stumbled. Oh, stop! Yeah!
Smashed them.
"The visitor tumbled down
the right-hand flight of stairs
"then along the windowsill
from right to left,
"colliding with each vase in turn.
"The impact reduced them to rubble
and scattered them
"across the landing and the stairs."
Was it Fiona Bruce? It wasn't.
LAUGHTER
What is amazing about this picture,
this is the vases after
they've been restored?
Do you not think that is a
remarkable...? They mended them?
Yeah, they mended them. You know,
I have to tell my mum that. Yeah.
She was here. This story had
come out and I was like,
Oh, my God, Mummy, that's terrible.
And she said, "Who fell down?
"Who fell on the vase?
Did they kill him?"
LAUGHTER
So I'm going to tell her.
Yeah, it's all fine.
They look so pretty
now they're back. Yeah.
If you knock something
over in a shop,
the moment you knock it over,
you have to go like this.
"Oh, you little bastard!
Where's he gone?!"
LAUGHTER
There's a little kid, a silly little
kid just knocked something over!
I'll go outside and look for him.
LAUGHTER
Other advice is available.
LAUGHTER,
APPLAUSE
Right, where's the traditional place
for Irishmen to celebrate
Paddy's Day?
In a pub?
KLAXON
Well. Why not the pub?
In England?
Alan, why not the pub?
Why not the pub?
Cos it's a holy day.
Yeah, it's a holy day.
It's St Patrick's Day, March 17th.
All pubs in Ireland used to be
closed, 1927 to 1960.
It usually falls on Lent and all
alcohol sales, under the same kind
of law, were banned on Good Friday,
for even longer, 1927 to 2017.
However, there was one place
in Ireland where you could buy
a drink on that day, and it
was the Royal Dublin Dog Show.
It was historically a Protestant
community event.
But everybody went,
because whether you're
a dog-lover or not...
LAUGHTER
Very funny.
..because you could get a drink.
I love that.
IRISH ACCENT: "I love dogs,
I've always loved dogs.
"I love dogs and St Patrick."
The great Irish poet Brendan Behan
is supposed to have abducted
a stray poodle in order to
get into the members' lounge.
But I love that. Do you think, that
should still be going on now,
I think, don't you? That people
should have to bend the rules,
find a dog to get a drink.
It'd be rather fine.
You know there was that time, that
awful time in British history
where in a lot of pubs and venues
they'd say "no blacks, no dogs,
no Irish". And I always think, that
feels like the stupidest thing
in the world, cos can you imagine
a pub with just black people,
just Irish people and just dogs?
Like, that's the most craic
I've ever heard in my life.
LAUGHTER
Is there still that thing in Dublin
that they have singing
and non-singing pubs?
Irish people naturally all
think they're great singers,
cos of an actual sadness
in our necks.
Like, give me a song, give me any
song that I might know the words to
and I'll show you what I mean.
Twinkle, Twinkle.
# Twinkle, twinkle little star
# How I wonder what you are. #
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
The Danes would just be sitting
in the corner crying, going,
DANISH ACCENT:
"She's absolutely right."
LAUGHTER
Which brings us to the
messy matter of the scores.
In first place,
emerging completely unsoiled, oh,
with five points, it's Sally.
APPLAUSE
In second place,
with four whole points, Aisling.
APPLAUSE
Yay!
In penultimate place,
with minus 17, Alan.
APPLAUSE
And in last place, for Pete's sake,
with minus 27, Sindhu!
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Sindhu,
Aisling, Sally and Alan.
And goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING