QI (2003–…): Season 16, Episode 18 - Episode #16.18 - full transcript
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thank very you much.
Welcome to QI.
According to the latest research,
the average person has five secrets
which they've never
told to a living soul,
so I'd like tonight to hear
one of yours, please.
Are you looking at me?
I was, darling, but I think
you've given enough.
I'll give you all five. OK, go.
Where I keep my keys... Yes?
..and four murders.
I was once walking home
across Hampstead Heath,
and I got caught short and I had
to do a poo under some leaves.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Did you have to do that five times?
Four other secret poos
I've done, probably.
Sorry, so let's just retrace
our steps. Yeah.
So, you're crossing Hampstead
Heath, trousers down...
No, I didn't have my trousers down
until I needed to go.
He doesn't walk around with
his trousers down... Do you?
But then, then as I went
to pull my trousers up,
I slipped over in it and fell.
GROANING
Excuse me, sorry,
have you not been mocking me?
I'm not mocking you. I've been
sympathetic. No, you haven't!
And you've shat in a bush.
Did you have any paper with you?
No, I used some leaves,
and that's what I slipped on.
And... my glasses fell off,
and I had to go home
and when I got home,
I couldn't properly see my house.
I thought, where am I going?
My glasses have fallen off!
And I had to go back
and look for them.
How drunk were you?
I was pretty pissed. A bit steaming.
The Columbia Business School -
it was a study.
They used 38 categories of secrets,
so there's all the normal ones
that you might have,
you know, stealing,
cheating, fancying somebody
that you shouldn't fancy,
and all that stuff,
but they also had some odd choices,
so a secret opinion,
not liking something that people
think that you like.
Planning a surprise for somebody,
a secret hobby,
and they asked 2,000 participants
if they had any of those kind
of secrets.
Oh, I didn't really realise those
were the parameters, I thought...
Oh...
I thought...
..a terribly humiliating event.
I didn't realise
like a secret opinion.
I like yours as a benchmark.
I think it's very...
Oh, he didn't on the bench
as well, did he?
A gift for you all now. Ooh!
I've got you your very own
QI periscopes, OK?
Have a look.
What are you going to use them for?
OK. Have a look through.
Oh, that's a good idea, yep.
Yep.
It's very clever,
cos even though you're down below,
you can still see the audience,
even though you're below the desk.
You have totally understood
periscopes.
I can't see the audience now,
I can't see the audience.
Now, you need your periscope,
darling, it's the thing...
My periscope doesn't work.
Where's Alan gone?
Alan, Alan! Rhod...
I can see your periscope, Phill.
I can see yours as well!
Are you under the desk? I am!
I'm under the desk, Alan.
Can you see my second L?
I can see... Why, yes,
both of the Ls, Phill, yes.
Both of the Ls.
I've lost your N, Alan.
I'm coming up.
OK.
I'm now above the desk, Phill.
We've toyed with the idea
of having two five-year-old boys
on the panel...
..and then we thought, no need.
This is me going
down the stairs. OK.
I'm coming up now.
Oh, I forgot my phone.
He's having so much fun under there.
you should see his little face.
Really, really enjoyed that.
Can I have this?
Yes, you can have them.
Because we've got quite
a high garden wall,
and I've often wanted to look over.
Didn't you build the high
garden wall, Alan?
Er, yes.
It's true,
so I could have a lower one,
but really I want to go like that.
There was a TV programme on
when I was little called
Why Don't You? Yeah.
Why don't you just turn off
your television set,
and they once had a thing
which you could do at home
called the dying duck.
What was it?
QUACKING NOISES
Pow!
RAPID, FALLING QUACKING
I can remember...
I was five years old, and I've been
doing that duck ever since.
You were wasted in parliament.
That's fantastic.
Can we ask a question, Sandi?
Yes, Rhod.
Is your periscope bigger
than ours because you're the host?
Well, what can you do?
Or was it
because of your diminutive stature?
Yes, I think because I need
the extra help with the periscope.
Imagine how much easier shopping's
going to be for you now with that.
Do you know...?
Alpen! They've got Alpen!
Now here is an astonishing thing -
that is Stephen Wildish,
and he beat Mo Farah.
Whoa! And what did he beat
Mo Farah doing?
Oh, most corn consumed? No.
Yes. Sack race.
He held the world record
in 2014, 39.91 seconds.
In 2017, Steve Wildish smashed that
in just 26.3 seconds.
What's the distance, sorry?
100 metres.
It's 100 metres, yeah.
So he had tried earlier in the year,
but his sack had been deemed
too small.
LAUGHTER
Do you know what...? I say!
In this weather,
I've had the same problem.
So the man who beat Mo Farah
substantially is in our audience.
Please welcome Stephen Wildish. Oh!
APPLAUSE
OK, would you mind having a go for
us and showing us your technique?
Yes! But, wait, we have to have
a competitor,
so I feel the only person
I know who's been
and reported at the Paralympics
is Josh Widdicombe,
I would like Josh to go.
Yes!
APPLAUSE
Don't let us down, Josh. I won't.
Um, I won...
I didn't do the sack race,
I did a race at school called
the dressing up race. Oh, yeah!
I won two years in a row. Really?
And left primary school undefeated.
I now want to see Mo Farah doing the
dressing up race, but there we are.
So, please be careful,
both of you.
Darling, you have to hold the...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Have you got any tips?
I use one arm out, a bit of balance.
Whoa... OK.
Ready, boys?
Imagine if I win,
how amazing this will be.
If you win, darling,
you'll be the world record holder.
Oh, my giddy aunt!
On your marks, get set, go!
Go, Josh, come on!
Thank you, Stephen Wildish.
What's the pizza-litically correct
procedure
for eating a piece of pizza?
What is it, yeah?
Many years ago, I was a friend of
and knew Fanny Cradock.
Oh, dear Fanny. The younger people
won't know who she was -
she was a television chef,
a sort of interesting cross
between Mary Berry
and Jeremy Clarkson.
A wonderful woman,
and she taught me and my wife
how to make pizza,
proper Neapolitan pizza,
and she explained to us,
A - that you cut it up,
but then you don't use
a knife and fork to eat it,
you have to eat it by hand. Yes.
And you have to feed one another.
Yeah, the fact is you can eat pizza
in any way you please,
but there are certain thoughts
and some advice about how to do it.
It's a fold, isn't it?
Thank very you much.
Welcome to QI.
According to the latest research,
the average person has five secrets
which they've never
told to a living soul,
so I'd like tonight to hear
one of yours, please.
Are you looking at me?
I was, darling, but I think
you've given enough.
I'll give you all five. OK, go.
Where I keep my keys... Yes?
..and four murders.
I was once walking home
across Hampstead Heath,
and I got caught short and I had
to do a poo under some leaves.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Did you have to do that five times?
Four other secret poos
I've done, probably.
Sorry, so let's just retrace
our steps. Yeah.
So, you're crossing Hampstead
Heath, trousers down...
No, I didn't have my trousers down
until I needed to go.
He doesn't walk around with
his trousers down... Do you?
But then, then as I went
to pull my trousers up,
I slipped over in it and fell.
GROANING
Excuse me, sorry,
have you not been mocking me?
I'm not mocking you. I've been
sympathetic. No, you haven't!
And you've shat in a bush.
Did you have any paper with you?
No, I used some leaves,
and that's what I slipped on.
And... my glasses fell off,
and I had to go home
and when I got home,
I couldn't properly see my house.
I thought, where am I going?
My glasses have fallen off!
And I had to go back
and look for them.
How drunk were you?
I was pretty pissed. A bit steaming.
The Columbia Business School -
it was a study.
They used 38 categories of secrets,
so there's all the normal ones
that you might have,
you know, stealing,
cheating, fancying somebody
that you shouldn't fancy,
and all that stuff,
but they also had some odd choices,
so a secret opinion,
not liking something that people
think that you like.
Planning a surprise for somebody,
a secret hobby,
and they asked 2,000 participants
if they had any of those kind
of secrets.
Oh, I didn't really realise those
were the parameters, I thought...
Oh...
I thought...
..a terribly humiliating event.
I didn't realise
like a secret opinion.
I like yours as a benchmark.
I think it's very...
Oh, he didn't on the bench
as well, did he?
A gift for you all now. Ooh!
I've got you your very own
QI periscopes, OK?
Have a look.
What are you going to use them for?
OK. Have a look through.
Oh, that's a good idea, yep.
Yep.
It's very clever,
cos even though you're down below,
you can still see the audience,
even though you're below the desk.
You have totally understood
periscopes.
I can't see the audience now,
I can't see the audience.
Now, you need your periscope,
darling, it's the thing...
My periscope doesn't work.
Where's Alan gone?
Alan, Alan! Rhod...
I can see your periscope, Phill.
I can see yours as well!
Are you under the desk? I am!
I'm under the desk, Alan.
Can you see my second L?
I can see... Why, yes,
both of the Ls, Phill, yes.
Both of the Ls.
I've lost your N, Alan.
I'm coming up.
OK.
I'm now above the desk, Phill.
We've toyed with the idea
of having two five-year-old boys
on the panel...
..and then we thought, no need.
This is me going
down the stairs. OK.
I'm coming up now.
Oh, I forgot my phone.
He's having so much fun under there.
you should see his little face.
Really, really enjoyed that.
Can I have this?
Yes, you can have them.
Because we've got quite
a high garden wall,
and I've often wanted to look over.
Didn't you build the high
garden wall, Alan?
Er, yes.
It's true,
so I could have a lower one,
but really I want to go like that.
There was a TV programme on
when I was little called
Why Don't You? Yeah.
Why don't you just turn off
your television set,
and they once had a thing
which you could do at home
called the dying duck.
What was it?
QUACKING NOISES
Pow!
RAPID, FALLING QUACKING
I can remember...
I was five years old, and I've been
doing that duck ever since.
You were wasted in parliament.
That's fantastic.
Can we ask a question, Sandi?
Yes, Rhod.
Is your periscope bigger
than ours because you're the host?
Well, what can you do?
Or was it
because of your diminutive stature?
Yes, I think because I need
the extra help with the periscope.
Imagine how much easier shopping's
going to be for you now with that.
Do you know...?
Alpen! They've got Alpen!
Now here is an astonishing thing -
that is Stephen Wildish,
and he beat Mo Farah.
Whoa! And what did he beat
Mo Farah doing?
Oh, most corn consumed? No.
Yes. Sack race.
He held the world record
in 2014, 39.91 seconds.
In 2017, Steve Wildish smashed that
in just 26.3 seconds.
What's the distance, sorry?
100 metres.
It's 100 metres, yeah.
So he had tried earlier in the year,
but his sack had been deemed
too small.
LAUGHTER
Do you know what...? I say!
In this weather,
I've had the same problem.
So the man who beat Mo Farah
substantially is in our audience.
Please welcome Stephen Wildish. Oh!
APPLAUSE
OK, would you mind having a go for
us and showing us your technique?
Yes! But, wait, we have to have
a competitor,
so I feel the only person
I know who's been
and reported at the Paralympics
is Josh Widdicombe,
I would like Josh to go.
Yes!
APPLAUSE
Don't let us down, Josh. I won't.
Um, I won...
I didn't do the sack race,
I did a race at school called
the dressing up race. Oh, yeah!
I won two years in a row. Really?
And left primary school undefeated.
I now want to see Mo Farah doing the
dressing up race, but there we are.
So, please be careful,
both of you.
Darling, you have to hold the...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Have you got any tips?
I use one arm out, a bit of balance.
Whoa... OK.
Ready, boys?
Imagine if I win,
how amazing this will be.
If you win, darling,
you'll be the world record holder.
Oh, my giddy aunt!
On your marks, get set, go!
Go, Josh, come on!
Thank you, Stephen Wildish.
What's the pizza-litically correct
procedure
for eating a piece of pizza?
What is it, yeah?
Many years ago, I was a friend of
and knew Fanny Cradock.
Oh, dear Fanny. The younger people
won't know who she was -
she was a television chef,
a sort of interesting cross
between Mary Berry
and Jeremy Clarkson.
A wonderful woman,
and she taught me and my wife
how to make pizza,
proper Neapolitan pizza,
and she explained to us,
A - that you cut it up,
but then you don't use
a knife and fork to eat it,
you have to eat it by hand. Yes.
And you have to feed one another.
Yeah, the fact is you can eat pizza
in any way you please,
but there are certain thoughts
and some advice about how to do it.
It's a fold, isn't it?