QI (2003–…): Season 16, Episode 17 - Episode #16.17 - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.
Welcome to QI.

Who fancies a ride in my Spike Away
non-social transient behaviour vest?

LAUGHTER

Transient behaviour?

So, non-social transient behaviour
is the way people...

Oh, it's something you wear to make
people not stand next to you.

Yes! A spiky thing.
It is a spiky thing, yeah.

I find my personality
does the trick, but...

LAUGHTER



..if there's a clothing version...

So, it is the way in which people
on public transport try and keep

the seat next to them free.

So, there was a designer
named Kathleen McDermott,

she created a dress,
and it senses when people

are standing too close
and it inflates.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that is great. Yeah.
I love this. Like a puffer fish?

Yes.

So, the other thing to have is
a Singaporean design student called

Siew Ming Cheng made the Spike Away
vest, so, what it is,

it's flexible spikes that you
put in the garden, you know,

to keep animals away from plants.

We have a couple,
so, what I'd like is Phill



and Bridget, if you would
put on the Spike Away.

And then I've got for you, Alan...

So, it just goes over the...

The spikes, they're really
hurting me, the spikes.

I think they're supposed
to go on the outside, Bridg.

OK, so if you stand here, Alan.
Yeah.

And you two, so, imagine
you're minding your own business

on the Tube. In a lift.

And you two
wish that he wasn't there,

so, just to see if you could
use your Spike Away vests to...

Wow. They're not...

I'm loving this!

Welcome to niche porn.

And now the Danish lady
will burst the balloons.

Oh, yeah, that's how we like it.

This is a dream,
I've had this dream!

ALAN SHRIEKS

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

CHEERING
PHILL: Come on!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You got me in the shoulder!

LAUGHTER

Come on, one more, one more jump.

He's asking for it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, which former Top Gear presenter
failed a drugs test last year

and how on Earth
did they get away with it?

Stig? Oh, is it the white guy, yeah?

ALARM BLARES

Is it the white guy?

The white guy.

LAUGHTER

Five white guys!
Any more for any more?

So, are we are just to guess those
guys' names?

Well, it's up to you. It's not
going to be any of those names,

they're all a trap.
Is it all a trap? It's all a trap.

Yes, watch this - Jeremy Clarkson.

ALARM BLARES

James May.

Richard Hammond.

Chris Evans.

Carry on.
You just body guarded us.

You just jumped in front
and took the bullets.

I'll take the bullet. Matt LeBlanc.

ALARM BLARES

Lots of birds can see ultraviolet,
and they can see...

..animals' urine on the ground.

And that's how they know
there's a burrow.

How about that? That's very good.

So, when they're swooping around
looking for prey,

they think, "Oh, look,
they're over there,"

cos lots of
small rodents are incontinent.

This is all God's will, right?

I'm going to set this up.

That one can see wee,
that one keeps pissing itself.

LAUGHTER

Let the games begin!

Let the games begin.

Oh, I can't stop pissing.

Look at all the wee,
look at all the wee!

Get in the hole, get in the hole!
That's the only thing,

if they can't get in the hole...
If you're a little vole

and you're running with your mummy
like that and you look up

and you see one you go, "I'm
terrified! I'm going to wet myself."

"DON'T WET YOURSELF!
Do not wet yourself!"

What's the most unrealistic thing
about this picture?

Yes.

That bra.

That is a pointless bra. Yeah, I
don't know what that's doing for her,

really, nothing. She's done a pump
out of her front bottom.

Only a man with children
would call it a pump.

Or indeed the front bottom.
Yes.

What is the most unrealistic
thing about this picture?

She's got her eyes open.

OK. No, people are allowed
to have their eyes open

underwater, that's OK.

No, but if she's in the sea,
you wouldn't have your eyes open.

Yeah, but she is a merlady.
She's a merperson. Well, she's not

a merperson. I mean, it's a woman
dressed up as a merperson.

OK, I need you to imagine it's a
merperson. Well you didn't say that.

OK. Right. So the most
unrealistic thing for you

is that it doesn't seem like
a real merperson?

LAUGHTER

Weirdly, we don't have
a picture of a real merperson.

So, if you think about
the classic depictions of mermaids,

try and think about how fish swim.

So, when fish swim,

they have their tail
in the same plane as their body,

and they moved their tails from left
to right to propel themselves.

Most depictions of merfolk show them
just like that with a tail fin

perpendicular to
the plane of the body.

Yeah, but a lot of whales
have that, don't they?

Well, this is the thing.
So, if mermaids swam like fish...

Mm. ..then they would have
to swim on their side.

They'd swim like a mammal,
the mermaid, wouldn't they?

Right, so if they're going to swim
like a whale or a dolphin,

they're mammals, not fish.

However, most merpeople
are depicted with scaly and shimmery

lower halves, which is
a fish characteristic. Yes.

And not the smooth skin
of a cetacean,

so, a whale or a dolphin.

And, so, either - this is
what really irritates me -

the tail orientation is wrong
and a merperson is half-fish,

or the scales are wrong
and the merperson is half-cetacean -

you can't have it both ways.

LAUGHTER

So, your point is,
just to be clear...

Yeah. That they shouldn't have scales
if their tail's like that.

You can't have both ways.
You can't have it both ways.

You can't have it both ways?
You can't have it both ways.

Well, um...

LAUGHTER

That's not what we're talking about.
Oh, sorry!

And this has really
upset you, hasn't it?

Yeah. It's my show,
I thought we'd talk about it.

LAUGHTER

We're going to place a tray
of finds, there they are,

you've got them. And I would like you
to identify the fossil.

So, now, you can use
any part of your body,

except your hands.

Thank you.

So, how might you identify
any of them?

They told me
I wouldn't need my glasses.

OK, do you want to borrow mine?
Here. Yes. There you go, sweetie.

Well, these are all pebbles
from a standard British B Road.

LAUGHTER

So, Phill is heading
in the right direction.

TERI: Can I put it in my mouth?

No, you can't.

Teri!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Teri is exactly right,
Teri has got the right answer.

Good, good. Good for her.

So, we've got various ways
of distinguishing fossils from plain

old rocks, but one of the ways
you do it is to lick them.

Oh, Jesus.

I'm going to just...

Pay no attention,
I'm going to lick this long one.

LAUGHTER

That's actually a British sweet.
OK... That's...

I really want to touch it.

No, no...

That's the ringtone I want.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I want you to experiment
with the disc and see

whether your fingers or your tongue
are better at working out

the size of the holes in the disc.

It's the tongue.