QI (2003–…): Season 16, Episode 16 - Episode #16.16 - full transcript
This programme contains
some strong language
APPLAUSE
Good evening!
Welcome to QI where, tonight,
we're going positively postal.
And what's landed on my doormat
tonight is absolutely first class.
Registered mail - it's Matt Lucas.
Hello, everyone. Thank you.
APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
Thank you.
Handle with care - it's Holly Walsh.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
This way up - it's Susan Calman.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And please do not leave unattended,
he may be removed and destroyed
without warning - it's Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Right, let's hear your buzzers
post-haste.
Matt goes...
# Please Mr Postman,
look and see... #
Like that.
Holly goes...
# I'm gonna sit right down
and write myself a letter... #
This is all very mellow, isn't it?
Susan goes...
# I gave a letter
to the postman... #
And Alan goes...
# Postman Pat, Postman Pat
LAUGHTER
# Postman Pat and
his black-and-white cat... #
APPLAUSE
ALAN HUMS ALONG
Oh, dear, and straight away
some letters have gone missing.
Can you fill in the blanks here?
Who is that, first of all?
That's Tony Blackburn.
It is Tony Blackburn.
Is this like a game of hangman?
Do we guess letters?
You can if you like.
OK. A.
Er...yes.
LAUGHTER
But I'm not going to tell you where!
You won't tell me where?
Right, er... I'll use P...
Po... Po...is good.
Postcodes!
Postcodes!
But there's not enough letters
but postcodes! Yes, I use
W1... Oh! Oh!
W, and do you use your postcode?
Postcode. W1A. Yes.
When did we start having postcodes?
Anybody have any idea?
'60s. '60s, no.
It's earlier than that.
'20s? '30s? So, a man called...
'40s?
LAUGHTER
'50s?
This guy is Sir Rowland Hill,
he first had the idea, 1857.
What? I know! He divided London
into postal districts,
but the actual postcodes
that we have
were not generally introduced
in the UK until,
in fact, the year I was born, 1958.
Shut up, Sandi! What, me being born?
'58? Shut up! Why?
You're the '70s at least,
if ever I saw you!
And tonight's winner is...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But people didn't use them,
so, Tony Blackburn...
That dates from 1980s,
that's 22 years after they'd
been officially introduced.
Why did people not use them?
Because they didn't know them?
Er, no, it wasn't.
Well, sometimes,
I don't know my own postcode.
You don't know your postcode?
You know the way your mind works
when you get older
that you think of a different
postcode where you once lived?
No.
LAUGHTER
Sometimes you get mixed up.
How do you fare with passwords?
Well, I've got a document called
"Passwords" on my computer!
LAUGHTER
And in that document
are all my passwords.
Yes, but presumably your computer
is password protected...
Yes, but I know that one. ..so you
can't get into that document.
I know the password to that one
because it's my name!
LAUGHTER
So, anybody breaking into your home
cos you're on QI at the moment...
..just put your name in and
there's a file marked Passwords
and you're off and running.
She can't remember where she lives,
so... That's true.
Maybe we could get the burglar to
ring you and tell you where it is.
Right, OK, I want you, please,
to tell me
what three words
describe exactly
Alan's current position.
Is it - full of regret?
That's very good - full of regret.
Any other thoughts? Three words.
Is what you're doing there
deliberate,
or is that just the way you sit?
I was just sitting
on my hands, that's all.
Oh, is it - sitting on hands?
So, it could be.
So, in terms of where he is,
his exact location,
the only correct words are,
in this exact order,
joke, proof, value.
It's Alan's precise current address
according to one of the most
exciting things I've ever heard of,
called what3words.
This is a British company, and they
have divided the Earth's surface
into squares which are
three metres by three metres,
so there's 57 trillion squares
in total,
and they have assigned each one
a unique three-word code.
Now, what's amazing about it,
you only need
40,000 words
in order to make the system work.
It was launched in 2013.
It operates in 25 languages
and it has already been adopted
by actual countries.
So, in Mongolia and the Ivory Coast,
they're the first to adopt it
as the official address system.
So, if you have a look here,
Bingerville in Cote d'Ivoire -
glitter.drummers.stepping
is exactly that point.
San Francisco - actors.asking.print
is exactly that point.
But what about all the floors of
the building? How does that work?
It would just be the square
that you are in.
So, the square goes all the way up?
Yeah.
But what it means is that,
for example,
if an ambulance is called
or something,
you can be pretty specific about
exactly where you need to go.
The front doorstep of Buckingham
Palace - sound.manual.lungs.
The top of Ayers Rock or Uluru -
snake.removes.gymnast!
Sorry, I, I...
I, I..er...
Is the air being let out of you?
I can... I can see the fascination.
Could you just put the little thing
in the side again now?
It's popped out.
some strong language
APPLAUSE
Good evening!
Welcome to QI where, tonight,
we're going positively postal.
And what's landed on my doormat
tonight is absolutely first class.
Registered mail - it's Matt Lucas.
Hello, everyone. Thank you.
APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
Thank you.
Handle with care - it's Holly Walsh.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
This way up - it's Susan Calman.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And please do not leave unattended,
he may be removed and destroyed
without warning - it's Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Right, let's hear your buzzers
post-haste.
Matt goes...
# Please Mr Postman,
look and see... #
Like that.
Holly goes...
# I'm gonna sit right down
and write myself a letter... #
This is all very mellow, isn't it?
Susan goes...
# I gave a letter
to the postman... #
And Alan goes...
# Postman Pat, Postman Pat
LAUGHTER
# Postman Pat and
his black-and-white cat... #
APPLAUSE
ALAN HUMS ALONG
Oh, dear, and straight away
some letters have gone missing.
Can you fill in the blanks here?
Who is that, first of all?
That's Tony Blackburn.
It is Tony Blackburn.
Is this like a game of hangman?
Do we guess letters?
You can if you like.
OK. A.
Er...yes.
LAUGHTER
But I'm not going to tell you where!
You won't tell me where?
Right, er... I'll use P...
Po... Po...is good.
Postcodes!
Postcodes!
But there's not enough letters
but postcodes! Yes, I use
W1... Oh! Oh!
W, and do you use your postcode?
Postcode. W1A. Yes.
When did we start having postcodes?
Anybody have any idea?
'60s. '60s, no.
It's earlier than that.
'20s? '30s? So, a man called...
'40s?
LAUGHTER
'50s?
This guy is Sir Rowland Hill,
he first had the idea, 1857.
What? I know! He divided London
into postal districts,
but the actual postcodes
that we have
were not generally introduced
in the UK until,
in fact, the year I was born, 1958.
Shut up, Sandi! What, me being born?
'58? Shut up! Why?
You're the '70s at least,
if ever I saw you!
And tonight's winner is...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But people didn't use them,
so, Tony Blackburn...
That dates from 1980s,
that's 22 years after they'd
been officially introduced.
Why did people not use them?
Because they didn't know them?
Er, no, it wasn't.
Well, sometimes,
I don't know my own postcode.
You don't know your postcode?
You know the way your mind works
when you get older
that you think of a different
postcode where you once lived?
No.
LAUGHTER
Sometimes you get mixed up.
How do you fare with passwords?
Well, I've got a document called
"Passwords" on my computer!
LAUGHTER
And in that document
are all my passwords.
Yes, but presumably your computer
is password protected...
Yes, but I know that one. ..so you
can't get into that document.
I know the password to that one
because it's my name!
LAUGHTER
So, anybody breaking into your home
cos you're on QI at the moment...
..just put your name in and
there's a file marked Passwords
and you're off and running.
She can't remember where she lives,
so... That's true.
Maybe we could get the burglar to
ring you and tell you where it is.
Right, OK, I want you, please,
to tell me
what three words
describe exactly
Alan's current position.
Is it - full of regret?
That's very good - full of regret.
Any other thoughts? Three words.
Is what you're doing there
deliberate,
or is that just the way you sit?
I was just sitting
on my hands, that's all.
Oh, is it - sitting on hands?
So, it could be.
So, in terms of where he is,
his exact location,
the only correct words are,
in this exact order,
joke, proof, value.
It's Alan's precise current address
according to one of the most
exciting things I've ever heard of,
called what3words.
This is a British company, and they
have divided the Earth's surface
into squares which are
three metres by three metres,
so there's 57 trillion squares
in total,
and they have assigned each one
a unique three-word code.
Now, what's amazing about it,
you only need
40,000 words
in order to make the system work.
It was launched in 2013.
It operates in 25 languages
and it has already been adopted
by actual countries.
So, in Mongolia and the Ivory Coast,
they're the first to adopt it
as the official address system.
So, if you have a look here,
Bingerville in Cote d'Ivoire -
glitter.drummers.stepping
is exactly that point.
San Francisco - actors.asking.print
is exactly that point.
But what about all the floors of
the building? How does that work?
It would just be the square
that you are in.
So, the square goes all the way up?
Yeah.
But what it means is that,
for example,
if an ambulance is called
or something,
you can be pretty specific about
exactly where you need to go.
The front doorstep of Buckingham
Palace - sound.manual.lungs.
The top of Ayers Rock or Uluru -
snake.removes.gymnast!
Sorry, I, I...
I, I..er...
Is the air being let out of you?
I can... I can see the fascination.
Could you just put the little thing
in the side again now?
It's popped out.