QI (2003–…): Season 15, Episode 2 - Organisms - full transcript

Sandi Toksvig looks at multiple organisms with regular panellist Alan Davies and guests Nish Kumar, Cariad Lloyd and Holly Walsh.

Hello, and welcome to QI,

where tonight, I am pleased to say,

we will be enjoying
multiple organisms.

Let's meet our life forms.

The wise Nish Kumar.

The noble Cariad Lloyd.

The amusing Holly Walsh.

And the single-celled Alan Davies!

Right, let's hear
your multiple organisms.

Cariad goes...

Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh!



That's me, that's me.

Holly goes...

Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh!

Nish goes...

It's a really disturbing programme!

And Alan goes...

I do, actually!

What animal gets the lion's share
of online viewing?

I don't know, but that horse
looks like Donald Trump.

We had a cat that used
to watch the telly.

He watched the telly,
he'd watch two things.

He'd watch football because he'd
watch the ball,

so if it went out the picture,

he'd look round the side
of the telly.



And the other thing he watched was
a documentary about urban foxes,

and he watched the whole programme
with his paws up on the back of

the chair, looking at it like this.

And about six months later
they repeated it,

and he watched it all again.

And any time a fox went out of
the side, he went like that.

Probably birds as well, birds
probably watch a lot of TV,

because they're in the room,
aren't they?

A cat can leave. A cat can be like,

"I don't want to watch
a documentary."

Bird's in the room,
he's got to watch it.

What about people who hang their
budgie by the window

so it can see the other birds
outside? Yeah!

Is that not the definition of evil?

Anyway, none of this is
what I wanted to talk about!

Is it lions?

Yes.

No!

It's surprising.

Blue whale.

No. Surprisingly, there are
more dog videos on YouTube

than there are cat videos.
People always talk about cat videos.

65.9 million dog videos,

versus 65.3 million cats.

The dogs just got the edge there.

- Why do we think that might be? Dogs
are better than cats. - Ooh!

Oh, that's the most controversial
thing ever said in this studio!

Wow! Yeah. I'm with you, Cariad.

Thank you.

That's the Brexit of the pet world.

Yeah. In England, people would
care more about that

than they did about Brexit,

if you start slagging off dogs
or cats.

Let's try it. People who like cats,
say "cats".

Cats!

- People who like dogs, say "dogs".
- Dogs!

People who like Brexit,
say "Brexit"!

People who like people,
say "people"!

Nothing.

So there are more dog videos...
Because dogs are better.

No, more people have pet dogs.
Is that true?

Because they're better.
More pet dogs than pet cats.

Why are dogs better than cats?
I am a dog person, right,

and I have a dog
and the dog is at home

and the dog goes out into my garden.

All my neighbours have cats and they
also come and live in my garden.

That is why dogs are better.

They stick to the one garden.

I've got a theory,

I think technically more people have
got dogs,

but actually more people think they
have cats.

Cos cats live in three
or four houses.

I have to say that Google tells
a different story than YouTube.

There are 2.2 billion pages
about cats,

compared to 1.8 billion about dogs.

Yeah, people going,
"Why are cats shit?"

"Why did I get a cat?"
"I can't get rid of this cat."

Did a cat slap you
when you were a baby?!

No, do you know what,

the reason I don't like cats is
I am allergic to them,

and I want to stroke them
and I can't,

so what I've done is develop
a hatred.

Right, right. It worked the same way
for men when I was younger.

This is how Brexit...

So why animal videos, why do
we watch a lot of animal videos,

what's the reason for it?

Because everything's so depressing,
so you're like,

you can't cope, so you think,
"Cat... Cat dying."

No, I'm joking!

I am joking.

I see Brexit is happening, fetch me
a feline snuff video.

I actually do like them, I do,

it's just I have to hate them
because they will kill me,

so it's mutual.

Yeah, but you don't have a fatal cat
allergy.

It's very irritating.

So why animal videos?

Is it because we're, like,

programmed as people
to love looking at animals?

Well, no, the concept is that we just
watch something that's a bit of fun,

and it makes you feel fewer negative emotions.
Anxiety, you know, guilt, that kind of thing.

I was working with an editor once,

and he was telling me that they did
this experiment where, like,

they wanted to see where people's
eyes went on, say, movies.

You know, like, so what people
are looking at.

And they had, like, a shot with a
topless woman, and obviously, like,

most people
watched the topless woman,

and then the only thing that distracted
them was when a dog walked in,

and then they all just
looked at the dog!

In the, like, Top Trumps of
distraction, it goes tits, dog.

And a topless dog is, like...

It's my dream, a topless dog!

Yeah. That's my website.

That's what I'm after.

Well, there are more dog videos
online than cat videos,

and even fewer otter videos.

So who wants to see
a juggling otter?

Yes, yes! Yes!

Let's have a look. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I know!

That definitely trumps tits and dog.

There we go, back with that one.

Ah!

Totally nailing all the moves there.

Has anyone checked he's not trapped
under there?

He's like, "Help! Let me out!"

"Do something!"

Stop it, you're messing my mascara!

That's a juggling otter.

But not everybody loves otters,
all right, like we do.

So tell me, what do
otter hounds hunt?

Yes, Nish.

I mean, I know what's about
to happen.

Yes.

Otters?

OK, it is illegal to hunt otters,
so when otter hunting was banned,

they retrained them to hunt mink,

so what do otter hounds hunt?

Small boys in caps?

Mink.

Mink!

It's illegal to hunt mink.
It's illegal to hunt mink.

But do they hunt mink?

Do they, you know, hunt mink?

Is that, like, a euphemism?
Yeah, that's like...

That's a backhander, guys.

Is it? Oh, backhander.

Oh, it's a backhander?
I thought it was a back entrance.

I thought that was, like...
a backhander was, like,

"I'll take some money
if you don't mention it."

Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, "I'll get the mink
for you." Oh, I thought it was "I've just farted"!

I thought it was, like,
a lesbian euphemism.

My whole life in a club,
I've never gone...

All right, we've got a backhander
in tonight!

Anybody up for some mink hunting?!

Otter hunting was a very, very popular blood
sport throughout the Middle Ages and so on...

That's horrible! There was a

King's Otterer. He had an estate
called Otterer's Fee in Aylesbury.

And then it largely died out, because
the otter was largely dying out,

and so there was a little bit of a
revival in the 20th century until 1978,

and then the otter became a protected
species, and then they tried mink,

and now it's rats. In fact,

only rats and rabbits are exempt
from the ban on hunting mammals

with dogs. What about squirrels?

It's rats and rabbits,
that's your limit.

Yeah, but could you squeeze in
a squirrel?

When you use the expression "squeeze
in a squirrel", what do you mean?

It's another lesbian euphemism,
in the clubs. One of the most prized

things for hunters
was the otter's baculum.

Anybody know what the otter's
baculum is? Something nasty?

Oh, is it the penis bone?

It is the penis bone, yes.
See, something nasty.

Absolutely right.
There is one right there...

It's the length of the otter?!

Oh, my God, I'm going to get
an erection!

Ooh!

Get it off me!

The rest of that video is the otter
struggling under the rocks,

and he goes, "Hold on a second..."
Phodum!

Just throwing up a pebble, and
then whacking it with its cock!

If you've just tuned in,

that's Alan Davies pretending to be
an otter with a troublesome erection.

So... Otter's baculum
was much prized.

You've got one?! Well, what
I've got, these are earrings,

and this is actually
made from a mink's...

Obviously two, there's not one,
he doesn't have two.

They're made from mink baculum.

There's some mink out in the world
going,

"I hope you're enjoying
that earring!"

"I hope it's made you happy,
that earring."

I don't understand how this works.

So they constantly have a hard-on?

Well, no, what it is... Humans
don't have a baculum, I'm told.

Yes, I'd like to beg
to differ there.

Do you know why humans
don't have it?

What's the reason given? Underpants.

Do you want to see them? Thank you.

Not compatible with underpants.

So the mythological reason is that
Eve was taken,

not from a rib of Adam,
but from his baculum.

But the real reason is that the
baculum is needed for what's...

How can I put this politely?
Prolonged intromission,

is what you need it for. So do you
think Sting's got a baculum?

This thing's the exact same shape
as my nose!

There's a good idea for a show -
Nish Kumar - Mink Pleasurer.

I'll watch it.

I love otters, I think
they're amazing.

The sea otter is extraordinary, it
has the densest fur of any mammal.

Oh, my God. They have more hairs per
square centimetre

than are on an entire human head,

so the Chinese used to call it
"soft gold."

They're fantastically easy to hunt,
actually, because they float

in rafts of up to 2,000 individuals
holding hands.

And what the mothers do, because the
baby can float but can't swim,

they wrap the baby in kelp,
almost like a little papoose,

and they put it to one side to make
sure that it's OK.

And they make something called
otter rubs, which is a slide.

I think we've got some video I can
show you of them playing in the snow

and they actually slide down.
Look at them.

Oh, my God!
And they're just playing.

That's all they're doing
sliding down,

apparently just for a laugh.

This is the remake of Cool Runnings.

Otter hounds are now
employed as rat catchers.

But speaking of occupations,
what's the best job for a beetle?

Drummer, because you'll still
be alive.

That's very good.

I am going
to give you an extra point.

Thanks. Even though
it's horribly wrong.

Is it careers advice advisor?

Did you have one of those?

Yeah, they told me to be a
horticulturalist.

Did they?!
You had a nice careers advisor.

Mine's was like, "Sainsbury's is
that way, good luck."

Mine told me prison.

Working or serving?

My daughter's a really brilliant
photographer

and she was told baggage handler
at Gatwick. It was really specific.

So, beetles are employed,
where might they be employed?

Dung moving. It must be dung moving.

It isn't, it is a form of job
that only a beetle can do.

Is it baggage handling at Gatwick?

What can they do?

They can get under things, they can
go through little holes.

Eating, scavengers.

Oh, is it anything to do with
nuclear power stations?

No, not at all!

They work in museums.

So, skeletons contain
a lot of delicate structures,

and the best way to prep them
for a museum display

without damaging them
is the dermestid beetle.

Oh, God! And it lives by stripping
the flesh off rotten corpses.

It's used by museums all over
the world for that purpose.

But before that, how do you think
museums did it before

they worked out that... Did they use
those little tiny fishes

that people have... To make their
feet feel better?

Yeah, no, they just used to boil
the skeletons

and scrape the meat off by hand.

The good news about this horrible
job is that they only work

on six-month contracts, so...

Which is the life expectancy
of a dermestid beetle.

Right, they die on the job.
They die on the job.

But speaking of skeletons,

it's time for a round of that
evergreen parlour game favourite.

OK, let's have a look
at our skeletons,

and who's going to start
with number one?

And be specific, please.

Its teeth haven't come through.

You're absolutely right,
it's a child,

because you can actually
see the adult teeth waiting to...

Oh, no, it's not that kid, is it?!

No, it's not. It's not that child,
is it? It's not that child, OK?!

It's another child
that we don't care about!

That poor kid is a model,

and then his parents might be just
flicking through the TV,

and they're like, "Argh!"

This looks like you've spun
the world's worst fruit machine!

Yeah, you can see the teeth
waiting to come through there,

so the process of the old teeth being
pushed out is called exfoliation.

We moved house recently,

and behind the U-bend under the sink
we found this tobacco tin full of

children's teeth. Oh, my God!

Yeah, yeah. Is that where
the tooth fairy puts them?

And I didn't know
what we should do with them,

and I felt really bad because they were obviously
the people who lived in the house before us,

and it's like a family heirloom, so I asked our
neighbour if they had a forwarding address for them,

and they were like, "Yeah, sure".
And I...

I took them to the Post Office
and I said, "I need to send this."

They were like, "What's in the tin?"
I was like, "It's children's teeth."

Anyway, I sent it to them, and
I felt really good about myself,

and then I was talking to my
other neighbour, and she said,

"That's so weird
because they didn't have children."

Oh, my God!

So I just sent a complete stranger
a tin of children's teeth!

Right, moving on.

Let's go back to our QI ossuary.

Number two, anybody?

Is it a vulture? No, it's not.

It is a bird. Is it an ostrich?

You'd think that because
of the long neck. Yes.

This one is extraordinary,

because it doesn't look as though
it has a long neck.

But it has 14 vertebrae, so twice
as many as a giraffe, and it is...?

A chicken. Turkey.
It's an owl.

So we never think that, because
the owl has got so many feathers,

but it is how they're able to rotate
their heads

through nearly 360 degrees.

That's amazing! So they only appear
short-necked

because of the feathers.

Also, if you have a look at their
eye sockets, they're tubular,

and that's cos the eyes
are so enormous

and the tubular is the only way to
fit such a large eye into the skull.

That is an astonishing shot, isn't
it? It's an awesome tattoo as well.

Let's have a look at number three.

Is that a bat? It is a bat.

Here's something I did not know
before,

is that bats' knees face backwards.

Oh, yeah. But despite this, some of
them are still very good walkers.

They recently discovered that vampire
bats can chase their prey on foot,

and we've got some video
of a bat walking,

which is not something that you see
very often.

Oh, my God. Whoa. Yeah, really whoa.

It's just, like, terrifying that not only can they
fly at you in pitch-black, they can also run!

It's like the worst nightmare.

Yeah. Most nocturnal animals
are ugly,

and that's why they come out
at night.

That's a really offensive thing
to say.

OK. Careful, Alan, you're going to get
some children's teeth in the post!

Number four,
let's have a quick look.

The horns are the giveaway.

Is it a goat? Goat.

No, smaller. Smaller than a goat.

Reindeer.

Yes, those famous small reindeer!

Muntjac. No, it's called a dik-dik.

Oh, yeah. A "dick pic"?

A dik-dik.

No, not a dick pic!

I'd rather get one of those
than a dick pic, to be honest.

Do you know why they're called
dik-dik?

Cos they've got two dicks.
So good they named it twice.

Because they've got two what,
darling? Oh...

No, it's just I thought...

Sorry, the rest of the class
want to hear it now.

I was just saying...

It seemed very important that
you wanted to interrupt Sandi.

I was just... I was just saying
that maybe they have two dicks.

Yeah, no.

It's the sound they make.
It's a sort of warning cry.

Dick! Dick! Yeah.

Dick! Dick!

The thing I like about them, they
are incredibly efficient with water.

They have the driest poo

and the most concentrated urine
of any ungulate.

All right. Well, clearly you've never
spent a night in Wetherspoon's.

And an extra point for that,
because that's true too, so...

Your eyes bigger than your nose,
that's quite a thing, isn't it?

I think they're beautiful.
They're tiny little things.

They live in pairs rather than
herds. Can you buy them?

Like, can you have them as pets?
No. You cannot buy one. Well, I...

Let's look at the next one.
Number five.

Is it a gorilla?
It's really surprising.

It is not a gorilla.

What's the thing that always
gets you, the klaxon, darling?

A blue whale.

It is a whale's fin.

No way! What?! It looks remarkably
like the human hand.

That is amazing. It even has thumb
bones, and it's because, of course,

it's a mammal, and all mammals
evolved from an animal

with the basic skeletal structure

that includes five protrusions
on each hand.

So it's basically got mittens on.
Yeah.

It's just a dolphin
with oven gloves. Yes.

Looking for an oven.

Let's have a look at the final one.

Is that a camel?
It is a camel.

It has a straight spine, because
the hump is, of course, all fat.

How can you tell it wasn't a horse?

It didn't look like a horse, so...
There's no saddle on it.

A camel's got no hoof. Camel toe.

You can use it for
anything, anything.

Anything that's slightly...
Ooh! I'll sort you out.

As the old saying goes,

you can't always tell an organism
from its osseous tissue.

How is that an old saying?!

In what circumstances does
an ant equal a cow?

Is it something to do
with their bone structure or...?

No, it's to do with counting how
many species there are in the world.

How many species do you think there
are in the world of everything,

all kinds of animals, how many?

204.

A billion.

A billion and one! Ha!

Weirdly, you're closer, Nish.

So, we think we know about
8.7 million species.

Well, what they did,

they looked at more than 1,000
different environments

where things live, so you might
take a patch of the ocean,

you might take a cow's rumen,

you might take an acre of meadow
was one

and they counted all of the total
number of species in those areas

and then they
put those into an equation -

these are the scaling laws -
and they were able to estimate

the total number of organisms
in the world.

So that's all the microbes,
that's absolutely everything.

So the ant and the cow are exactly
equal in this instance.

And they concluded that there are
something like 1 trillion species

of organism currently
living on the planet

and that means we have only
discovered one thousandth

of 1% of the species currently
living on Earth.

Well, that's enough,
though, isn't it? Yeah.

Don't you think that astonishing?

But that's how little we
know about what's actually...

But where do they all live?

Like, in that bit under the sea
that no-one ever goes to?

Behind your u-bend in a tin.

It's also estimated
that 99% of all species

that have ever existed on Earth
are no longer with us.

They are extinct.

Which ferocious beast is the world's
most successful hunter?

Wait, hold on. What is happening?

Is that Philip Green?

It looks like you've gone
to a fancy dress party

dressed as Captain Mainwaring!

It's terrifying. So, most
ferocious... Starts with an O.

What ferocious species is the
world's most successful hunter?

Hunter... Starts with an O.

Because hippos are really dangerous,
aren't they?

It starts with an H.

Oh, yeah. Orangutans.

Otters.

Er... Ostrich. No, it's...

The audience have
offered up octopus.

Octopus is not it, either.

Not as easy as it looks, is it?!

It is the creature that belongs
to the order Odonata,

so it is dragonflies.

Dragonflies are...
What, they're killer?

..the most successful hunters.

They are thought to have the highest
hunting success rate

of any hunting creature on Earth.

It's between 90 and 95%
success rate. Wow.

So, if you compare that to other
animals - lions, for example,

lions will kill at a rate
of about 25%.

Bengal tigers about 5%.

No comfort when one's coming
after you, I think.

And the great white shark has
a hit rate of about 50%.

And here is the unbelievable thing,

they don't track their prey,
they intercept it.

They calculate where the prey
is going to be in the future.

So instead of chasing it,
like a lion might,

they fly to where it's going
to be and catch it there.

So let's have a quick look.
So there it is,

it just seems to be minding
its own business,

and off it goes to catch its prey.

Whoa! Oh! Now, let's
have another look,

because let's be really clear about
where the prey was coming from.

So have a look up in the red box,

and you'll see the prey is coming
in, and he's not flying towards it,

he's flying away from it and
over to the right, and catches it.

And it's the same thing
that humans use

to predict the future
when they're catching a ball,

but we don't really know
how they're able to do it.

But they have this
incredible 360 degree vision

so they can see all around.

They have no blindspot whatsoever

and they're able to pick out
a single insect in a swarm

and hunt it and still avoid
the other neighbours.

It is almost like ESP that
they're doing, this...

How can we get them
to control the world?

Well... It seems like
they should be in charge.

Well, the other thing is that
I've got one here

and they have four wings
and the four wings operate

independently of each other. What?!

So they can fly backwards,
they can fly forwards,

they can fly sideways, they can
fly upside down

and they've been shown
that they can still hunt

even when they're missing an entire
wing. If we could work out...

All of that and you still
have to eat flies. Yes.

Anyway, there is a downside
to being a dragonfly, I think,

because the mating is very,
very odd.

So the male has... is a dik-dik. Oh.

What does that mean, the male
is a dik-dik?

Double dick. It's got two dicks!
Yes! Two dicks!

Well done, Nish. So the male has
got two sets of sexual organs,

so before inseminating the female,

he sort of has
to inseminate himself.

He transfers sperm... Yeah, yeah...
I do that as well.

Transfers sperm from his testes
to his sperm pouch,

and then to his penis,

and he's still not ready
to inseminate, because he then...

He's got a, sort of,
shovel-shaped penis,

and he uses it to scrape out
any sperm

from other males, before he then...

Yes. Who is clapping that?!

What the...?

One bloke! There's a theory
that that is why the male penis

is shaped that way,
to remove any sperm,

because they are assuming that woman

probably has had sex with someone
else. So it's a scraper?

Yeah, it's a scraper.
Very useful in the winter,

if your car's frosted over!

That's what it's for!

I could do a wing mirror!

On what other show do you see
dragonfly porn? It's rather fun.

So, 300 million years ago,

the dragonfly first appears
on the Earth.

So, to put that into context...
Really?

..humans appear 200,000 years ago,
so... They're amazing.

300 million years?
So, before dinosaurs.

I mean, this is them obviously
having a laugh with dinosaurs,

but they actually
were on the planet.

So the Carboniferous period.
I mean, they liked the dinosaurs.

They hung out with them,

but when the end came,
they just moved on, you know. Yeah.

Now, what is a zookeeper's
worst nightmare?

Yes? Planet Of The Apes.

I'm going to give you a point
for that, very good. Yes!

Is it an out of the blue redundancy?

No. You've mentioned it already.

Orangutan?
Orangutans is the absolute answer.

Why? Are they always filing,
sort of, sexual harassment cases?

They are so adept at escape.

Oh, really? They work cooperatively,
they learn very easily,

they're very patient,
they're very determined.

They work out your routines.
They do. They absolutely do.

"It takes him 32 minutes
to go and feed the zebras."

"That is our window, my friend."

But you're right, Alan!

They check out the zookeeper's
routine and see if there's a flaw.

And then when he goes,
they all put their caps on.

Put the shirt,

three of them stand on top of
each other as they're walking out.

But if you accidentally left a tool
in an orang-utan's cage,

they won't pick it up straight away.

They'll wait till nobody's watching

and then they'll secrete it
about their person

and wait to use it for future use.
They are unbelievably clever.

There was a wonderful orangutan
called Ken Allen, and in the...

In the 1980s,
he was in San Diego Zoo,

he was known as the Hairy Houdini,
and he used to get out all the time,

and then he'd stroll around having
a look at the other animals.

And he had a fan club
called the Orang Gang,

and they had T-shirts
and bumper stickers...

He printed them all.

He'd just nip out and get good deals
on bumper stickers then come back.

They couldn't work out
how he was getting out,

so they started to send in
plainclothes zookeepers,

sort of wearing touristy gear
and sunglasses

and trying to look casual,
but Ken always spotted them.

There were nine major break-outs
by Ken and his fellow prisoners,

and according to one local paper,

"crowds cheering the apes
on as keepers ran after them."

There's a goat that does that
at London zoo. Is there?

They have this kind of
double gate thing.

It's quite tricky to get out of,
but this goat just goes

and stands by it
as if it's allowed out.

So people let it out.

It has an air of authority
about it.

It's all about confidence.
It's one of the bigger goats.

Goes and stands by the gate
and looks at you. Like, hello?

And they go, "Oh, sorry..."

I think that's the most British
thing I've ever heard in my life.

It's like, "Oh, if it's
queueing properly",

"it must be allowed out."

It's like people
in high-vis jackets.

If you put someone
in a high-vis jackets,

they'll just start doing
what people say.

Do not give that goat
a high-vis jacket!

Quick question - what might an
orangutan see in Nicole Kidman?

Botox.

It's an orangutan called Hsing Hsing
in Perth Zoo in Australia.

Is he thinking,
"I've seen her in Moulin Rouge!"

He is attracted to... The redheads.
..a lovely redhead orangutan

and he saw a photograph
of Nicole Kidman in a magazine.

He ripped it out and thought,
"That'll do. I'll, you know..."

I've been doing that for years.

Can't get enough of the Kidman!

Right, moving on.

Where's this guy going with that ox,

and what's he going to do
when he gets there?

Is it like an early boom box?

I can tell you, as you can see
because he's able to lift it,

that the cow has been hollowed out,
and why might...?

Is it before the invention
of birthday cakes,

people used to get strippers
to jump out of cows?

Yes, it's that.

Not at a Hindu wedding!

I hate to say this, but if someone's
inviting a stripper to a wedding,

that wouldn't...

Is it to scare off another animal?
It's quite the reverse. It's to...

To encourage? It's to be able
to hide. This is Richard Kearton.

He's one of the world's first
wildlife photographers.

So before the telephoto lens,

in order to get a close-up,
you literally had to get close up.

So if you wanted to take,
for example,

a photograph of a birds' nest
with eggs in it,

this is Richard and his brother
Cherry Kearton. Cherry?

Cherry, I know. They went, "Richard,
let's have something different -".

"Cherry!" Richard and Cherry,
pioneers of wildlife photography,

they bought an ox from a butcher.

They got a taxidermist
to hollow it out,

and they hid themselves
in the ox

with a lens sticking through a hole.

One day, apparently, Richard fainted
inside the ox,

and it fell over, and his brother...

That's brilliant! So good!

Cherry turned up an hour later

and took the photo before
he got his brother out!

They more or less invented
professional nature photography.

Their subjects ranged from anything
from flowers in the Yorkshire Dales

to lion hunts in Africa.

And before them,

most nature photographs were
stuffed animals

placed in natural surroundings.

But you can see,
they abseiled down cliffs,

they had those astonishing fragile
box cameras slung to their backs.

He's hot. Like, I'm not going to...
Do you think? Yeah.

Cherry Kearton became
the Attenborough of his age,

he moved into
wildlife documentaries.

Here from inside the ox. Yes.

Photographers at the time
were very interested

in what they called instantaneous
photography.

They wanted to capture moments
that had never been seen

by the human eye alone, so they
got a mule that was apparently old

and awaiting euthanasia anyway

and they wanted to photograph it
while it was exploding.

Oh, no! This is a true story.

The United States School
of Submarine Engineers

strapped 6oz of dynamite
to its forehead...

God, leave men alone long enough,

they'll just blow something up,
won't they?

They put the shutter of the camera

and the fuse for the dynamite
on the same circuit.

It went off simultaneously. It was
written up in Scientific American.

What possible thing...?

What, after it blew up,
they were like, "Well, turns out"

"if you strap dynamite to a mule's
head, it's really blows up." Yes.

Great science, everybody!

It was the pilot of Jackass.

To get the best photos of wildlife,

the Kearton brothers had
to think inside the ox.

Oh!

Terribly pleased with that.
That was good.

I'm going to give myself a point.

What use is an ostrich
in a car factory?

Are they indestructible? So...

You can use them as, like,
a crash test dummy.

No. No, it's not that.
So I'm going to give these out.

Oh, dusters. There you go,
these are ostrich feathers,

so what might you use them for?

Get yourself one of them, love.

What might you use it for
in a car factory?

Are the BBC just trying to cut back
on cleaning,

and just having us
just dust down the set?

Well, cleaning is the thing, Nish.

It is in those hi-tech,
very robotic factories

where they make cars,

ostrich feathers are still
the best thing to dust the cars.

This is the softest I've ever...
Yes, well, there's the point.

So they have these sort of giant
rollers, a bit like a car wash,

made of ostrich feathers.

Female feathers
apparently work best.

Of course. Cleaning, innit?
Bound to be...

I knew you were going to say that!

This from the man who said he could
scrape the ice off a wing mirror

with his cock!

We're doing that experiment in
the next series. I offered to try!

So female feathers are the best.

There are lots of grades,
whose names are fantastic.

Whites are the best.

Come on, Sandi, I'm sat right here!
Jesus!

Just nick that out and make that
a ring tone.

"Whites are the best."

There's whites, feminas, spads,
blues, blacks, drabs and floss.

All wonderful names, aren't they?

Farming,
which began in South Africa in 1838,

allowed the feathers to be taken
annually without killing the bird

and they became
very important for...

What's the biggest product
they were famous for?

Eggs. No, hats. Hats,
ostrich feathers in hats. Yeah.

So meat was almost a by-product.
And they were traded in the City.

A pound of ostrich feathers
during World War I were worth

not much less than
a pound of diamonds.

1990s, there was a boom in Britain
for farming them for their meat,

and a really strange thing happened.

They kept seeing the birds doing
these courtship displays,

which they're famous for,
but they weren't laying many eggs.

So they were doing this
courtship ritual.

Cariad, you've just made
several ostriches very horny.

What they discovered, Nish, was
that be in captivity confused them

and they were trying to seduce
the farmers and not other birds.

And it turns out it didn't matter

the sex of the farmer
or the sex of the bird,

they were not fussed,
whoever was in charge, I'm for you.

This is a funny thing that
happened to someone I know.

Not me.

A friend of mine was in Australia
and there's lots of wildlife parks

where you can mingle with
the kangaroos and the emus.

And they said,
"If an emu should come towards you,"

"you have the become an emu as well
and then they'll back off."

"So you put your arm up and then
do that."

They were messing about. And they
were absolutely messing about.

And this girl
became of interest to an emu

and she started going like this.

"It's still coming for me!
What are you doing?"

And no-one could do anything for her
cos they were crying with laughter.

And if anything it made her
more attractive

and more interesting to the emu,
saying, "What is that?"

So what happened at the end
of this terrible story?

She's married to an emu. She's
been living in the zoo ever since.

The orangutan is going to
bust her out in a bit.

You can't beat a good old
ostrich feather duster,

if you want a nice clean car.

Now, my little organisms,
fingers on buzzers, please,

as we enter the phylum
of General Ignorance.

Cats versus birds - who's winning?

Birds. Oh, why do you say that?

Cos there are bought
more birds than cats.

In a way, that's correct,

but would you not think that cats
were attacking birds in the garden?

Are some birds attacking cats,
is that what you're saying?

No, it's that there's no scientific
evidence that predation by cats

is having any impact on
the bird population of the UK.

If birds are being preyed upon, do
they lay more eggs and breed more?

It's just the ones being caught by
cats would probably die anyway.

They're underweight or sickly.

They're not catching
the good, strong ones.

So it's not really having a
big effect on the bird population.

But they kill millions.

They kill 55 million birds,

but it isn't causing the population
of the birds to decrease.

In fact, blue tits, which are
recorded as the number two thing

that they catch, they've increased
their population

by more than a quarter
in the last century.

So it doesn't seem to have
any great effect.

"You tried to defeat us,
but we got stronger!"

The only time cats seem to be
a major threat is when there's

a new housing development
near a vulnerable population.

They hate new architecture.

They get so and the about it.
Drives them mad.

How did all that oestrogen
get into our water?

Yes, darling?

Um...

What happened was,
I put my hand down on the table,

but I forgot
that it was on the buzzer.

Yeah. So I pressed the buzzer.

So, I guess what I'm saying
is they have two dicks.

Is it cos loads of women take
the pill, and then they piss it out,

and it goes back in?

You did two in one go there,
you did pill and urine.

No is the answer.
Is that not true?

Cos a lot of people claim that.
People do think that.

Is it cos Mother Nature's a woman?

No, well, we reckon that
the pill is responsible

for about 1% only of the oestrogen
found in the water supply,

according to an American study.

90% of the oestrogen
entering into the water

is the run-off
from livestock manure.

The important thing,
although oestrogen is the primary

female sex hormone,
of course men have it as well.

Same as women have testosterone.

And in men didn't have oestrogen,
what would happen to them?

It's the light, it's the light.
Everyone is looking at that picture.

It's the light.
It's not what do you think.

It's just the light.

Yeah, it's just glinting off that
freshly ostrich-buffed car. Yeah.

Why would you have swimming
trunks made out of silk?

I think those two women are going,

"If you could just
leave us two alone."

So, men have to have oestrogen.

If they don't have oestrogen,
what happens to them?

They become ladies. Well, they get
a male menopause is the thing.

They start putting on weight
and have a diminished libido.

It's like babies
when you're breast-feeding them.

In the beginning, little baby girls
can have periods

in the first month because
they've taken your oestrogen.

I did not know that.
Yeah, it's true.

Is that the first time you've ever
had that experience? What?

Not knowing something.

During World War II,

how did the Allies hope to use
oestrogen against the Nazis?

This is a great story,
I love this story.

Is it cos it's really hard
to say in a German accent?

It's the OSS,
the Office of Strategic Services,

the predecessor to the CIA.
And they had a plan.

What were they going to do
with oestrogen?

Were they going to put
oestrogen in their water

cos they thought it would
stop them having babies?

It was one Nazi in particular.
Hitler. Hitler.

He's the one you've got to watch.

He's the one. I'm going to call it.

He's the one you want
to keep your eye on.

They came to the conclusion
that on the male/female spectrum,

Hitler was somewhere in the middle.

And they thought, if they could
just tip him over the edge,

the Germans would
stop following him.

So they were going to get
the Fuhrer's gardeners to inject

the vegetables with oestrogen.

He had food tasters for poison,

but obviously oestrogen is totally
tasteless and odourless

and nobody knows if it was tried
and failed

or what happened to this plot.

Or maybe it was just vetoed
because it was ridiculous.

He just got really weepy
one mealtime.

"It's mine,
and you cooked it for me"

"and I really appreciate it
so much."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Just ignore them, ignore them."

That's what it was like.
Poor Hitler. That's what they...

Poor Hitler.
That's the trailer for this episode.

I love the fact that anything
he's doing, you're like, yeah,

I bet you do that you, you prick.

Yeah, I bet you'd like to have
a picnic on a blanket,

you piece of shit.

Anyway...

I'm trying to work out, it looks
like he's carving an onion.

No, I think he's peeling an apple.

Yeah, peeling an apple,
like an idiot.

Most of the oestrogen in our water
comes from manure

and not women's urine.

Why do cows lie down?

Is it cos they're tired?

Yes, because they can't be arsed
to stand any longer.

It's fair play.

So, some people think that they
lie down because it's going to rain.

The fact is, cows get up and down
14 or so times a day,

and at some point
it may rain, because...

They're a herd animal,
so one of them will lie down,

the others will think,
"That is a marvellous idea."

"Totally going to do that."

Sometimes they do it cos they're cold,
and it keeps their stomachs warm.

They don't want a dry patch, then?
No.

I thought that's why they do it.
They're not that forward-thinking.

Dogs know it's going to rain,
don't they?

They can feel something
in the air that we can't,

and then they'll start
going under the bed.

"The dog's gone under the bed,
go and get the washing in."

I don't think they're that
forward-thinking, if I'm honest with you.

No? I think you're under-estimating
the cow.

I think what we're saying is no cow
is a reliable weather forecaster.

If you see cows lying down,
it means one thing.

Cows enjoy lying down.

And so the scores.

At the bottom of the taxonomic table
tonight with a fabulous -35,

it's Alan!

Just emerging from the primordial
soup with -22, it's Holly!

Slowly developing the ability
to walk on land, with -6, Nish!

Two dicks, two dicks!

And swinging through the trees
like a good 'un,

it's our winner with -5,
Cariad!

And tonight's Objectionable Object
prize

is this lovely pair
of mink penis bone earrings!

There we are, congratulations!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Anyone? Thank you to Holly, Nish,
Cariad and Alan.

And we leave you with the words of
the epigramist Logan Pearsall Smith,

who wrote in one of his books,

"These pieces of moral prose
have been written, dear reader,"

"by a large carnivorous mammal,"

"belonging to that sub-order
of the animal kingdom"

"which includes also the orangutan,"

"the tusked gorilla, the baboon with
his bright blue and scarlet bottom,"

"and the gentle chimpanzee."

From all the animals at QI,
scarlet-bottomed and otherwise,

until next time, goodbye.