QI (2003–…): Season 13, Episode 8 - Merriment - full transcript

Goooooood....

..rest ye merry, merry, merry, merry,
merry, merry gentlemen,

let nothing you dismay

and welcome to
the QI Christmas panto,

with an evening of Merriment.

Let's see who's under my tree.

It's Baron Hardup, Johnny Vegas.

And here's Buttons Bill Bailey.

Widow Twankey, Jenny Eclair.

And a horse's arse, Alan Davies.

So, let's hear your panto noises.



Johnny goes...

BUZZER: "OH, YES, IT IS."

Bill goes...

BUZZER: "OH, NO, IT ISN'T."

Jenny goes...

BUZZER: "HE'S BEHIND YOU!"

And Alan goes...

BUZZER: "WHY IS THAT MAN
WEARING A DRESS, MUMMY?"

Good question. Have a sweet, dear.

Right, now, I've sent you all
a Christmas card and here they are.

I've got one for Johnny.
And one for Jenny.

Thank you. One for Bill.
And there's one for Alan.

- Thank you.
- Now, my question is quite simple -

whose card is most like
the first card ever sent?



Well, mine's like that. Yeah.

- OK, well, I've got a robin.
- You've got a robin.

- A lovely cock robin. - Cock - maybe.
How do you know it's a cock robin?

Er, well, um...

I mean, I don't mean cock robin...

Is that what Batman said?

That's terrible.
ALAN LAUGHS

- He likes that - you like that,
don't you? - I like that.

He's very pleased with himself.
Have another sweet.

- Sorry? - "How do you know
it's a cock, Robin?"

I didn't actually...

"How do you know it's
a cock, Robin?"

So you've got the robin
and the robin is certainly

a traditional Christmas card
picture and image.

You've got a Roman statue?
In a Christmas jumper.

Which seems unlikely,
though, of course,

the Roman Empire had hundreds of
years as a Christian empire... No.

But you still... If it had been
a Christmas toga, maybe, but no.

That's not the original
Christmas card.

Well, fair point.

You've got a little baby.

I'm struggling to think
this is the original.

It's very close to my upbringing.

- But it's not...
- "I saw this and thought of you."

Well, we saw that
and thought of you, Alan.

There we are.
It does look a bit like me.

It looks very like you.

I would say that is Alan Davies,
there.

- In a production of Puss In Boots.
- Puss In Boots.

In 1916.

So was that the very first
Christmas card?

No, it wasn't, but we were just
fascinated to see Alan in it

and to see that you were
working in panto then

and wondered, you know,
whether you had a good experience?

- Loved it.
- You loved it, yeah.

It's demanding,
cos it's five shows a day.

Yes, five.
That's what they always say.

But financially, it's the best
gig of the year, so...

And can I say, I don't think we're
getting the best out of my costume.

Show the ladies and gentlemen.

Look, I've got a tail.

Hey!
AUDIENCE: Hey!

And I've got...I've got feet
and everything.

- But it's all out of sight
below the desk, Stephen. - Yes.

It looks like you're just wearing
a pair of large grey trousers,

for no reason at all.

They are retaining all the moisture,
that's all I'd like to say...

- Is it a ventriloquist's donkey?
- It is now.

- Oh, yeah...
- "Happy new year."

- That's a scary-looking...
- "Rubbish Stephen, more points."

You look like you're wearing
boiler lagging.

- You do! You've been lagged.
- I've been lagged.

All right, so yes, that was one
Christmas card, it was 1916.

I vote the robin as the early one.

Robins were very early
on Christmas cards.

It's probably the most common
depiction of Christmas, isn't it?

Do you know why they were common?

- Why were they considered
a symbol of Christmas? - Uh...

What it is, is that when the first
Christmas cards were delivered,

they were delivered by postmen
who wore red tunics

and were known as "red breasts".

- Oh, yes.
- Robin red breasts.

And so the sight of the postman
coming up the path in the snow...

..was a harbinger of doom.

..was a harbinger of doom,
of doom / Christmas.

- A harbinger of postal orders.
- Yeah.

That's the most commonly
accepted theory.

What is also interesting is that
in the last...20 years, maybe,

the number of robins
on Christmas cards in Britain

has declined enormously.

Well, that's because that one looks
like he's been doing Charlie.

No, that...

It just looks like
he's been abusing drugs.

BILL: It does, doesn't it?

JOHNNY: He's the reason
you can't get in a cubicle.

Only you would notice, only you.

I'm perhaps one of
the last humans in Britain

who use cubicles to have a poo.

And at Christmas, the thought of
a little robin red breast in there

- just going...
- HE SNIFFS

HIGH-PITCHED: "I'll be out
in a minute."

..whilst I'm touching
Christmas cloth.

Oh, gracious.

BILL: # "Touching Christmas cloth..."

HE HUMS TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS"

This is already going
slightly out of control.

I think he's just... He's been at
the Gold Top, that's all that is,

he's been at the Gold Top
on your doorstep.

- Yes, that's right.
- That's true, yes.

I think the first picture
on a Christmas card

was a furious middle-aged woman
scrubbing at a roasting tray

with a think bubble
coming out of her head

which reads,
"The ungrateful shits!"

It would be... it would be
very accurate.

I'll just finish my robin point,
which was reasonably interesting,

- at least to me, if no-one else. - Yes.

And that is,
that over the last ten years,

the number of robins appearing
in Christmas cards...

YAWNING

Over the last ten years,
the number of robins

appearing on Christmas cards
has declined by a quarter.

But the number of robins in Britain,
as the real birds,

has increased by nearly a half.

- Exponentially. - Yeah.
- Oh, right.

And the question of
how you sex them,

- how you tell them apart,
it's not easy at all. - No.

But it's something to do with
the hairline they have there,

where the red turns into grey.

That one on the right
is wearing Just For Men.

It's said that
if it's a kind of quite strong V,

it's likely to be a female.

And if it's more of a U,
it's a male,

but even ornithologists
find it difficult.

- No, it's very true, it's impossible.
- Yeah. So, we'll turn to Jenny.

What did Romans do at Christmas time?

Rome...? What did Romans...?

Well, they would feast and fornicate
and puke up afterwards. Exactly.

Nothing's changed, really,
over the years, has it?

- That's Christmas, basically.
- That's Christmas, yeah.

Christmas tends to happen...
Once a year.

Once a year.

Thank you.
I'm trying to help.

APPLAUSE
You are.

- She can't get points for that.
- No points for that.

You think that's too obvious?
It's not for me...

A perfectly legitimate point
has been scored.

- Christmas is for life... - All right.
- ..not just for...

Oh, hang on, no, no.

- There are midwinter feasts -
Christmas is one. - Pagan feasts. - Yeah.

- And the Roman one was Saturnalia.
- Saturnalia. - Saturnalia,

after the god Saturn.

- And there you can see...
- Oh, the debauchery.

You can see him throwing up
in the middle, in fact.

We did that in the stockroom
at Argos.

At Christmas.

But the card that is closest
to the first card ever sent

is Johnny's.

- Oh, the drinking baby.
- Baby with a drink?

It was similar to the first card,

which had a whole family with drinks,
including a baby there.

- That's the original.
- JOHNNY: Let me get this straight.

For years, I've thought
that I was raised

in an unstable environment,

when actually my dad, every day,

has just been trying to promote
the original Christmas card.

Yes, there you are, exactly.
Exactly.

JOHNNY LAUGHS

It was designed by
John Callcott Horsley,

Royal... Royal Acad... No, now I'm
going to have one of these moments...

- Royal Acadamadition.
- A Royal Acadamadition.

A Royal Academician.
ALAN BABBLES

It was designed
by John Callcott Horsley, RA.

And he...

- Very good. - Nice. - Safe.

And, as you see, it depicts a family

all toasting Christmas
and the New Year,

including the toddler, there,
in green, in front,

and there's on the left a sign
of feeding the poor,

and on the right,
a sign of clothing the naked,

- all the good things you should do
on Christmas. - Ah, yes.

- If you see any naked people,
clothe them. - Yes.

Do not approach them.

No. So there we are.

Now, the Queen has
a Christmas message, as do we.

In fact,
as we approach the end of series 13,

it's time for us to reveal
that every episode of QI,

every single one,
since the very first,

has included a secret message
which nobody has spotted.

Where do you think it's hidden?

Is it on your face?

Have you just encrypted

some of your delightful
laughter lines into some...?

Perhaps it's in Klingon.

HE SPEAKS KLINGON

- Merry Christmas.
- It's not on my face.

Is it in the credits
or the theme tune?

- Theme tune. - The theme tune?
- Ah! The theme tune.

BILL: What? No!

Yes. It's in code.

What sort of code do you think
it might be in? Morse code.

Morse code is the right answer.
No, really?! Yes. Yes!

JENNY LAUGHS, APPLAUSE

It was composed by the prolific
Howard Goodall,

whom people will know from
Vicar of Dibley and Blackadder

and many other theme tunes,
as well as serious work,

and his colleague, Simon Nathan,
decoded this,

and this is what it actually says.

And that is actually
a decoding of the...

HE KNOCKS ON DESK
..the long and the shorts,

I know, I'm sorry. I didn't...

APPLAUSE

- BILL: He never told you.
- No...

Years, you've been, like,
in the stocks.

Oh. Poor Alan.

Well, I didn't know it
until I was told either, Alan.

It's not my...

A STUDIO LIGHT BLOWS
Oh! My God!

- What happened there?
- What the hell was that?!

- It was a light.
- BILL: Was it a lamp?

- It might be a lamp.
- No, no, he's got a bad ankle,

I'm just taking him out.

I can't afford to keep him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

I absolutely shat myself.

ABSOLUTELY shat yourself? My God.

including panelistas,

that that is a real URL,

a real web address, that you can find
a little QI Easter egg in

if you visit it.

Wow, if you've got nothing better
to do with your lives.

I think it's a jolly exciting thing
to do with your life.

Yes, it is, of course.

BUZZER: "OH, NO, IT ISN'T..."

So this...

BUZZER: "OH, YES, IT IS."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I knew there'd be trouble.

I mentioned to you that that hidden
code was discovered by Simon Nathan.

He's in the audience.
Where are you?

Is he wearing an anorak?
There he is, over there.

He's not wearing an anorak.
APPLAUSE

Well done. Thank you very much.

There you are.

- Other TV shows have also hidden
Morse code inside them. - Have they?

Yeah. Do you know of one?

One quite well-known example,
pretty obvious when you
think about it.

- Loose Women.
- BILL: Morse.

Morse. Of course.
Morse, yeah.

The composer, Barrington Pheloung,
liked to...

Never!
That's his name, yes.

Barrington Pheloung, nice chap.
Very nice fellow.

He used to hide the name
of the murderer very often

in the opening...

HE HUMS BEAT
..there.

Yes. Wasn't it like this?

- Hang on, I've actually,
look, look... - Oh, hello.

Right. It was like this, wasn't it?

HE PLAYS NOTES

- Yes. - He'd tap it out and then when
the murderer appeared, he went...

SINISTER MUSICAL STING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And you went, "That's him!"

They never understood why everybody
could guess the murderer, could they?

Another one which used Morse
might surprise you.

It had titles that came over

as a sort of ticker-tape
kind of thing at the end,

with a piccolo giving the tune
of a famous sitcom.

BILL WHISTLES

- Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.
- Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.

- That one. - That one.
- Exactly. - I'll stop whistling now.

That was brilliant, you're right,
that was the tune.

And there's a building
that gives off Morse code,

a very famous building in Hollywood.

- How? Tapping it? - Well, it's got
a light flashing at the top.

- It's not sound.
- Oh, I thought it was...

Because of course, Morse code
can be visual as well.

There it is. Capitol Records.
It's like a stack of discs.

And it flashes out this message here,

"Hollywood", in Morse code -
very simple.

But in 2013, it changed to announce
Katy Perry's new album Prism

and its release date
came out in Morse code.

Nobody noticed.

Not like the demographic of
Katy Perry's fans, not...

They're not really into Morse.
I'm just...just saying, just saying.

Bletchley and Katy Perry,

there's no real cross-over,
is there? Not really.

There's 200,000 fans sitting there
with carrier pigeons.

"If only I'd known it was Morse."

In 2004, Morse code added its first
addition since World War II,

which is di-dah-dah-di-dah-di.

See if you can guess what it is?

It's an addition to
the Morse alphabet.

It's going to be a hashtag
or an @ sign.

It's an @ sign, well done.

Exactly right, so that people
can spot e-mail addresses.

Samuel Morse invented Morse code,
as you probably know.

But do you know anything about him,
other than that he was the inventor
of Morse code?

He had another job,
which was rather interesting.

He was a painter and he liked,
or was commissioned, to paint...

- Dot-dot-dot, dash...
- ..to paint paintings...

Dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot...

He wasn't a pointillist, but he was
commissioned to paint paintings.

It seems very odd, why would he be
commissioned to paint paintings?

Whoa! There's a fly on my hand!

Argh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Oh...!

You've killed it, Alan!

- I never thought I'd get it in
a million years! - How could you?!

It was just looking
for somewhere to sleep

- and you just killed it,
you...you brute! - I'm so sorry.

Never mind.
Merry Christmas, everybody.

Samuel Morse was a painter

and he was commissioned
to paint paintings.

- Paint paintings.
- Because he lived in an era

when there were no catalogues.

- Of course. - Of museums, for example.
So he painted...

- The Argos catalogue.
- He painted one famous...

He painted one famous painting,
six foot by nine,

of the most well-known exhibits
at the Louvre Museum.

So you could see them
if you hadn't visited it.

You can see the Mona Lisa,
down there, famously.

- The best-known of...
- He was quite good, wasn't he?

- Yeah, he was.
- So as a sort of copyist...

Yeah. To give you an idea
of what was in the museum,

the best-known ones there,
if you didn't have a chance of
getting to Paris, for example.

So next time you think
of Samuel Morse,

you can think of that as well
as the dots and dashes. Oh.

I will - I'll think of him
as...as a public spirited...

I think that's genuinely
interesting. Thank you.

Yes. That's all we hope for. Good.

So by that logic,
he invented the internet?

- He didn't. - He didn't? - No.

BILL: Wait, the fly's coming
back to life!

Hold that thought, though.

I have to hold these thoughts,
I have nothing else.

No, they're good thoughts.
Thank you.

Anyway... We'll move on,
we'll move on.

And we may come back to that.

I very much doubt it, but we may.

Describe the plot of, or sing a song
from the popular musical,

"The Bathrooms Are Coming".

# The bathrooms are coming

♪ Thank God, I need a shit! ♪

Nice. Bill, can you do me

CISTERNS Are Doing It
For Themselves?

Oh, very good.
APPLAUSE

# The bathrooms are coming
Lock up your pipes

# The bathrooms are coming
Where are your knives?

# Kill, kill, kill them
They'll be coming

# Kill them, kill them

♪ The bathrooms are coming
for your lives... ♪

AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG

♪ They're coming for your souls... ♪

# I've had it installed now

# And there's nothing to pay
till September

# I'm on an HP high

# And ain't no debt collector
ever gonna bring me down

# Water may be very hot

♪ Don't let the grout
go mouldy on me... ♪

APPLAUSE

It was country and western.

BILL PLAYS A TUNE

If you're going to do country
and western, it'll be...

# Fixed shower head, driving me wild

# Can't find my crevices
no matter how hard I tried

- # I'm going to put my leg up... #
- No, don't!

- # Pull my junk to the side... #
- Oh...!

BILL PLAYS AN END NOTE

Thank you.

Well, that was a big surprise,
thank you very much.

Do you know what that might be?
The Bathrooms Are Coming?

- The Bathrooms Are Coming? - Written by
a Broadway musical composer.

But not for Broadway.

- Was it a bathroom company?
- A commercial or something?

Yes. American Standard,
they were called,

and this was one of many, many,
many industrial musicals,

which had their heyday
in between 1950 and 1980,

30 years of exciting musicals

for conventions of various companies
and their salesmen, all over America.

And they would write specialist
musicals just for the salesmen,

just for the conventioners,
not for the members of the public.

But they had big budgets
and they were written by Broadway,

serious Broadway composers,
who hid their names, I think.

- Yeah. - But that's an example of one,
The Bathrooms Are Coming.

An original musical, presented by
American Standard, as you can see.

The Sound of Selling.

B F Goodrich's
1966 sales meeting musical.

Isn't that exciting?

The Saga of the Dingbat.
The Saga of the Dingbat?

- This is the weirdest thing
I've ever seen. - Isn't it?

- Truly astonishing. - Mental, innit?
- These were huge. - What's going on?

Well, when it started in the '50s,
by about 1955,

- America...
- ..had gone mad.

..made two-thirds of
the world's goods.

Two-thirds of manufacturing industry
in the world was American.

Was this at the height of,

"This week's show was brought to
you by Lorimar cigarettes..."?

- There was all that sponsorship
going on... - Yeah.

..on the Ed Sullivan Show
and things like that, yeah.

- So wait, hang on, if you want
to hang on a second. - Excellent!

# If you've a hankering
for knowledge

# But can't be arsed with college

♪ Then this is the show for you. ♪
Something like that, I don't know.

Yeah. That's the one!

That's the QI show.
APPLAUSE

♪ This really
Quite Interesting show! ♪

- Something like that.
- Yes, The Quite Interesting Show.

We've got our own musical.
APPLAUSE

Thank you, Bill.

# Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan
Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan

♪ Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan
I'm aghast! ♪

- LAUGHTER
- # And he's won! No, he's last. #

You know.

We could, we could do this,
I don't know,

- like funded by some kind of
light bulb company... - Yeah.

LAUGHTER
..and put it on ice.

- Yes. - Yes!

Don't need to skate properly -

just skate out, deliver your lines
and skate off.

- QI on Ice. - On Ice.
- Q Ice! - Just, just...

Stephen, don't look at your cards,
think about it just for a second.

- Please!
- Quite pleased with that - Q Ice.

We've got reality shows
filling arenas, QI on Ice.

- Do you think that would work?
- I think so. - No.

I would...
Wouldn't you pay to see yourself...?

Would I pay to see myself on ice?

Skate out...
LAUGHTER

- BILL: In a horse costume!
- In a horse costume!

- No, I will not part with any money
under any circumstances. - Come on!

So...

QI on Ice, just think about it,
just overnight,

don't write it off straight away.

I'll put it on... on ice.

LAUGHTER
So...

Here are some lines from musicals,

in this golden era of the industrial
musical, as it was called,

and you have to tell me
who the company was, really.

- Go on. - "I can sell a wiener!
My school..." Sausages!

Yes, wieners are sausages.

But it goes a little further,
you see. Oh, I see.

"My school supplies are cleaner!
I sell candy!"

- So, OK, can sell a sausage
and candy? - Wal-Mart.

- Wal-Mart. - You're in the right area,
it's a very well-known brand,

sells things, from early in the
morning to quite late at night.

- 7-Eleven. - 7-Eleven is the right
answer. That was a good clue!

- Well, you know... - That was a bit of
a hint, wasn't it? I was helping you.

This one you won't necessarily know
the name of the company, but it's,

"Any cola tastes so much colier.
Holy water is somewhat holier."

- They weren't trying, really,
then, were they? - No!

LAUGHTER

- Something that contains liquids.
- Very much phoning it in!

- It's the Scott paper cup company,
that's what it is. - Oh, right.

This one is weird,
because it makes Mad Men

look positively modern in its
attitude towards women and bosses.

"Though our boss never beats us,
for that he'd never do

"It always looks as though he does
'cause we are black and blue.

"With ribbons!
Ribbons! Ribbons! Ribbons!"

Typewriters, typewriters, isn't it?

Monroe Calculators. Oh! Yeah.

"I really enjoyed my appendectomy.
Loved my hysterectomy."

LAUGHTER

- Um... - BUPA?

- It's Surg-O-Pack, who are disposable
surgical implements and so on. - Right.

- Implying that you sort of did it
yourself, really, sort of... - Yeah!

Exactly. "I gave myself
a lovely hysterectomy."

Yes, I draw it on -
how hard can it be? Yeah.

Well, there you are. Industrial
musicals were made to motivate.

Whose music do cats like best?

Um, is he, that cat, listening
to Purr-ple Rain perhaps?

GROANING
Purr-ple Rain!

You've made a cat joke!
I liked it. No, no, good.

It looks like he's in Old Smokey,

- he looks like he's in
an electric chair being... - Oh!

LAUGHTER

Sparky, I think,
rather than Smokey, wasn't it?

They're electrocuting that cat.
He's not listening to anything.

- Is it jazz? - Is it...?
No. Well, not jazz, actually.

Perhaps unsurprisingly,

cats are not that interested
in human music of any kind.

- They're pretty much indifferent
to it. - Really? - Yeah.

But they do like music
specially composed for them.

Do they like birdsong?
Cat music is...

Well, it sounds like mouse and bird
and indeed cat sounds.

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

- These are cats enjoying
themselves, are they? - Yeah.

- Wow. - Not being tormented?

No! No cats were tormented
in the making of this sequence.

- If you listen to the music...
- It's quite lovely.

PIANO TINKLING

It has slight calls and slight birds
and purring things. It's got hums.

Yeah, cat noises in it as well.
MUSIC CONTINUES

Yeah, but is it true that cats don't
meow to other cats, only to humans?

BIRDSONG ON MUSIC

LAUGHTER

I don't know. I'm being genuine!
I was told this. No, I'm fascinated!

- I don't know. - I'll go along
with that! - Yeah, yeah?

I've had cats and then,
you don't see them meow.

- They just kind of hiss,
they just grunt. - Yeah.

Their body language says enough.

- They hiss if they're fighting.
- They go up very close to them

and going, "Yeah, you get the food,
I'll go out the back." Yeah.

They're just whispering and hissing
and all sorts of other noises.

Yeah, but it's only with humans

- that they go, "Meow." - Yeah.
- "Meow." - You're right.

Younger cats are more receptive

to that sort of music
than middle-aged ones,

and, some like it so much, they rub
their faces against the speakers.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw!
- They get very, very excited by it.

- The same cat music composer...
- Well, we've all done that!

..is working with
the Smithsonian National Zoo

- on cotton-top tamarins... - Aw!
- ..who like silence more than music.

- How do they get the funding? - Yes!

LAUGHTER

But isn't...? Shouldn't there be a
cut-off point where you're suddenly

going, "Oh, the cat doesn't like
my music, I'll change my music."

And then, you go, "Well,
the cat can't work my cooker."

I'll devise a cooker
that the cat can use. Yeah.

And then, essentially, you end up
living in the cat's house.

LAUGHTER

And you're sitting there
on a bed of dead robins,

wondering why they don't feature
on Christmas cards any more.

Isn't there a point where we should
maintain the human/pet relationship?

You're right, you've painted
a nightmare scenario there.

Well, I just don't know
how big the roof will be.

No! No none of us, none of us does.
LAUGHTER

- Um... - When you come home
and you go through a flap,

you know it's gone too far.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, cats prefer their own music

to Atomic Kitten or Cat Stevens.
JENNY LAUGHS

Now time for a short interval.
Who wants an ice cream?

- Yes, please. - Me, me, pick me.
- Oh, there we are. Yeah, go on.

There, take a couple.

- We've got some left over,
of course. - Thank you very much. Wow!

- There you go. Johnny?
- Oh, yes, please. Thank you, my love.

Chocolate, I've got chocolate,
I don't really like chocolate.

- I've got raisin, I don't like
raisin. - Do you want to swap? - Yes.

- No, I'd like vanilla, please. - Oh?

- LAUGHTER
- Do you like chocolate?

- Do you want to swap? - Yes!
You can have another flavour.

- I've got strawberry.
- That'll do me! - All right.

- Oh, you already had a bit! - Yes!

LAUGHTER

How else would I know
I didn't like it!?

- Well, do what I did - just sniff it
and lick it. - Don't do that!

- People who sniff...
- Don't take a lump out!

You must have very warm hands,
cos this is already melted!

I'm having a hot flush!

APPLAUSE
It's one of my super-powers!

- Mine's turned into a slushy! - Yes!

You're going to a dinner party
and they've forgotten to get

the ice cream out of the freezer,
just hold it against my neck!

LAUGHTER
And it's spoon soft in seconds!

- Well, there's barely any...
- THEY BOTH SHOUT

LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT

- Right... - I don't want to do
this in front of Stephen. - No.

But the next time
we're having ice cream, just...

LAUGHTER

- Don't have her on my team! - Do you
have any HRT-flavoured ice cream?

No, this is delicious.
Thank you very much. Good.

This is what I think life
will be like in a nursing home.

LOUD LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
Anyway...

What flavour have you got?!

Bingo! So what was
the biggest nuisance

- in the Victorian theatre?
- I like peas! I had a fly in mine.

What was the biggest nuisance...?
I've got to tell this.

What was the biggest nuisance
in the Victorian theatre?

No... What was the biggest nuisance
in the Victorian theatre?

APPLAUSE
Please!

SHOUTS: What was the biggest nuisance
in the Victorian theatre?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah?

Any thoughts?

Ice-cream?

I, genuinely... Don't worry,
you don't need to press them.

- Was it people interrupting?
- That was one of them.

Was it the infamous female flasher

who'd invade a Victorian stage
without her bloomers,

and she was
called Fanny by Gaslight.

Was it her? It wasn't that, no.

Was it things going wrong,
like machinery?

Well, those were all bad things,
they are bad today,

but what is actually still one of
the worst things that can happen?

- People eating sweets. - That's bad.
Was it a bulb breaking?

If you're in the audience,

what is one of the most annoying
things for you, not just...

Cholera.

LAUGHTER

Being stabbed in the neck
by someone.

You're stretching, Bill.
It's good that you're thinking.

TB.

Rickets.

LAUGHTER

If you stayed in for a very
long time. No, what it is...

Let's imagine, for example,
the Victoria Theatre, in London.

- Yeah. - It had 2,200 people.
When it came to the interval?

- Oh, the lavatories? - The lavatories.

- How many lavatories do you think
it had? - Four. - Two. - One.

- One lavatory.
- One lavatory, 2,200 people.

This is an issue, isn't it?
It's not good. Nothing's changed.

Well, things were even more
problematic up north,

certainly in the Theatre Royal
in Newcastle, in the Victorian era,

where they actually installed lead
lining on the floor of the balcony

because urine was dropping down
on to the people in the stalls,

because people just peed
where they sat

cos there was nowhere else to go.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Lovely,
lovely Geordies!

LAUGHTER

Now, now, careful, careful. Just be
careful, that's all I'm saying.

- Aye aye, we'll piss on't floor!
- It's pretty grim. That was in 1837.

That was a serious problem and it's
still a problem today, is it not?

I think particularly for women?
Absolutely.

Sometimes you just have
to invade the men's. Yeah.

We always hear of these
Japanese funnels

that are supposed to allow women...
The Shewees. ..yeah, to stand up,

but they haven't caught on.
I just go for the side swipe. OK.

LAUGHTER

Am I going to be able to picture
this? It's sort of a dance move...

and a relief. Oh, yes.

But I'm not going to
demonstrate it now.

This is a nice programme.

But is not the male urinal,
couldn't you not...

I mean, is that usable as a lady?

I can't see what is wrong with
just going sort of like that.

- A squat, like that. - Yeah.

Or you could hold yourself
up between two parked cars.

LAUGHTER

Yes.

Not that I've ever done that!

Weren't the girl guides taught
to pee standing up, as a form of...

Self-defence?

LAUGHTER

What changed then were intervals.

Intervals came more or less in time
to coincide with the desire

of people to, you know...

They had what they called
the Broadway Bladder,

which is supposedly 75 minutes,

which is the maximum, averagely, that
people can go without having a pee.

And cinemas often had
intermissions in our childhood.

Do you remember any particular ones?

- Zulu, I saw Zulu...
- Zulu had an intermission.

..and it was very frightening
and there were masses of Zulus

- coming over the hill,
and then they had a break... - Yeah.

- ..and when we came back, wasn't
quite so frightening after that. - No.

Well, the one I remember best was

where there's a car going along
some green towards a cliff

and then suddenly they're going,
"Argh!" as they go over the cliff,

just going straight down
and then it just goes - Intermission.

And my brother and I were absolutely,
just terrified,

and we had our choc-ices
and our Kia Ora orange drink,

and all these other things, and came
back, and then it picked it up from

there again, the car goes down
and then suddenly it flies.

♪ Um Chitty, um Chitty, Chitty-Chitty
Bang Bang, we love you. ♪

And it was just the most heroic
moment in all cinema

and we went back again
and again and again.

- Nothing will ever recapture
that moment. - No? - So wonderful.

I was happy then, you know.

LAUGHTER

And now this. This!

- Aah, that's a lovely story. - Thank
you, yes. - And quite interesting.

Yeah, well, we hope.

Other films,
The Godfather, Sound of Music,

they all had intermissions too.
Really big movies.

Hitchcock said, "The length of a film
should be directly related

"to the endurance
of the human bladder."

- About seven minutes with me, then.
- Oh, dear.

Now, who's the worst person to sit
next at a silent movie?

ALAN BURPS

Alan Davies.

I rather bolted my ice-cream.
I'm very sorry.

You did, didn't you? Disgusting!

STEPHEN TUTS

- Alan, have you? Did you? Could you?
- No, I just, I slightly belched.

- Would it be someone telling you
the plot? - Someone talking?

- Telling the plot, yes, kind of.
That is very annoying. - Yes.

How were plots laid out
in silent movies?

- Obviously there was no dialogue
as such. - Cards? - Cards.

- Cards were showed. - Cards would come,
these captions, which would...

- Oh, reading out the captions.
- Reading out the captions. - Memoing.

The number one annoyance in the days
of silent movies, apparently.

There were various others.

They were very concerned about how
people should behave

so they put out these things.

And the cinemas themselves had these
cards at the beginning, telling

people, as you can see - "Loud
talking and whistling not allowed."

"Please applaud with hands only."

LAUGHTER

I suppose it means don't cat-call
and don't, you know, stamp your feet.

Or slap your buttocks
together or something.

And "Madam, how would you like to
sit behind the hat you are wearing?"

- That's another issue. - Yes.

So people would actually go,
"Look out!"

- and would all shout, "Look out!"
- Yes, probably, exactly. Annoying.

- Yeah. - But then watching
films in America is great, though,

in New York particularly, because
the whole crowd get involved,

and they all shout.

I went to see Lord of the Rings
in New York.

Just the best experience,
cos in the fight scenes,

people are shouting out,
"Kick that Orc's ass!"

LAUGHTER

- "Go get it! Damn!"
- It's true, they do.

- "Damn you, that Orc!"
- It's fantastic.

Well, there are certain other
bits of cinema etiquette which

now are very common, which is

if you happen to know how a film
turns out, you're not

supposed to tell anybody on social
media, or at least if you do...

- No spoilers. - ..and you blog or
review, you put in capital letters?

- Spoiler alert. - Spoiler alert.

And yet, there's a thing
called the Spoiler Paradox.

- Do you know about this? - It's more fun
if you know what's happening?

It's more fun if you know.

If you actually know how
a film turns out,

you are more likely to enjoy it,
quite appreciably.

The films I like the most are the
ones where you've no expectation,

you haven't been tainted
in advance in any way

and then it all unfolds
before you.

- I think I prefer that. - I forget
anyway. People tell me stuff.

Anyway, make sure you
mind your manners at the movies.

Now, Christmas comes and goes,
but one thing that's never

out of season is General Ignorance,
so fingers on buzzers, please.

It's a moonlit Christmas night in
the city, and you can see just fine.

But then the moon
goes behind a cloud.

What happens next?

BILL'S BUZZER: 'Oh, no, it isn't!'

You turn into a wolf.

LAUGHTER

- Wouldn't that be when the moon
came out? Or maybe not. - Yes.

Oh, yeah.

That's right. That's why it's not
working out for me.

The moon goes behind a cloud.
JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Oh, yes, it is!

Does it actually become brighter?

Yes. Very good. Spot on.

APPLAUSE

Extra extra points
if you can tell me why?

There's already light
bouncing off the earth.

Ah ah ah ah ah, yes.

I mentioned
we were in the city there.

London is burning huge
amounts of light.

If the moon goes behind a cloud
and the clouds are covering the sky,

then the light bounces back
from the clouds and it increases,

it magnifies the light
by a considerable amount.

Whereas if it's a completely
cloudless night, even with a bright

big full moon, that's less light
than you get in the reflection.

And this has been found to be true
even in the countryside.

Ice-cream makes you intelligent!

LAUGHTER

The brightest area was
in Schipliden in the Netherlands,

where the sky was 10,000 times
lighter than the darkest night sky.

Tomatoes were grown there
and the greenhouse lights were on.

- Good lord.
- Too incredible for words.

Right, time for some
Christmas music.

What did the boys in
the NYPD choir sing?

BILL'S BUZZER: 'Oh, no, it isn't!'

Galway Bay.

KLAXON

- D'oh! - Don't you know by now?

Oh, I thought
I'd take one for the team.

Firstly they can't have done,

because there is
no NYPD choir at all.

The NYPD people they brought
in for the video were the pipe band

in fact, of the New York
Police Department.

And we're talking about the
Pogues' Shane MacGowan singing

Fairytale of New York,
the great Christmas single.

- Yes, the greatest Christmas song.
- Ever. - Brilliant, yeah.

- It's a very thin competition
now, isn't it, really? - Eh?

It's pretty thin competition.

Well, it's Mistletoe
and Wine and that.

LAUGHTER

So the pipe band came in
and they didn't know Galway Bay.

- Right.
- They were supposed to sing it.

And so instead
they sang the Mickey Mouse Club

and it was slightly slowed down

and it fitted to the
words of Galway Bay, apparently,

so you couldn't tell.

But there are more points if you can
tell me, Shane MacGowan's band,

The Pogues, of course,

why is it called The Pogues and what
does that mean? Oh, I know this.

Oh, we revised it.
I knew it would come up!

No, I DID once know this.

Well, it's Pog mo thoin.
That means "kiss my arse".

That's it. That's it. Kiss my arse
in Irish. Rather pleasing.

I had one night out with him and my
thumb has never been the same again.

I can't bend it properly.

I'm just picturing a night out
with Johnny Vegas and Shane MacGowan.

- That is something. - He was reading
a book on architecture

and I was just in a foul mood
and we got drinking together.

- Good times! - And I, yeah,
I fell and I couldn't get up.

I fell in a little gully
and my head was trapped,

so I just laid there for three
hours going, "Help!"

LAUGHTER

And then I fell asleep after saying,

"Some kind of neighbours you are,"
in my sleep.

- Well, that's absolutely amazing.
- Yeah.

Now, on which bank holiday
is it most likely to snow?

Easter Monday.

Is the right answer.

No!!!

APPLAUSE

Yes! Come on!

Very good.

Bloody hell. I'm impressed.

Absolutely.

Statistically it is more likely to
snow at an Easter bank holiday

than it is over the Christmas,
even though it moves.

Well, the weather here is rubbish,
isn't it?

I was out with the old man
on a hot June day

and there were lots of people
driving in their open-top cars

down the King's Road, as they would.

And the old man,
who knows everything, said,

"Do you know that there
are only six days a year

"where people with open-top sports
cars could put their tops down."

Wow. That made me feel better...
And that was one of them? Yeah, yeah.

There's so few good days
in this country,

and so that's why I thought it was
quite likely to be on Easter Monday.

That's true, cos we, as a nation,
we, per capita,

own more convertible cars than
any other country in Europe.

No, that's so hopeful! Durrr!

- Optimistic. - Oh, bless us.
Driving with an umbrella, yeah.

Yeah, December averaged 3.9 days
of snow and March had 4.2.

You are more likely to see a white
Easter than a white Christmas.

Can you give me a line from
the world's first panto?

Go on, go on...

He's behind you.

KLAXON

Yay! Oh, you MADE me do that!

- Why did you do that?
- It's your buzzer, isn't it?

She did so well on Easter Monday

and you've just sabotaged it
out of spite!

Anyway, no, first pantoMIME,
what were pantomimes originally?

- Oh, silent. - They WERE silent.
- They were mime.

Yeah, unlike mimes, oddly enough.

The pantomime was a character
in a Roman play, who represented

all kinds of mythological things
and he never spoke.

- Wow. - Terrifying.

You'd be hard pressed to shift
tickets for that, though,

wouldn't you?

LAUGHTER

My God, look at that.
That's an Ood and Lady GaGa.

Well, isn't it
Zoidberg from Futurama?

Nothing screams "festive"
like a shin-kicking contest

between two people for whom life
has gone very wrong.

The first pantomimes were silent
and only had one person in the cast.

So let's take a look at the scores.

Oh, my actual actual.

In fourth place,
a brilliant first appearance,

and actually an incredibly high score
by any QI standards.

On minus two it's Jenny Eclair!
Did quite well.

APPLAUSE

In third place, with minus one,
Bill Bailey!

APPLAUSE

I still don't understand why.

When two giants meet at Christmas,
who can it be?

Who's the winner,
who's the winner here?

In second place,
with eight points, it's...

Johnny Vegas!

APPLAUSE

Oh, my stars,
the winner on 11 is Alan Davies!

APPLAUSE

QI JINGLE PLAYS

So, that's all
from Jenny, Johnny, Bill and Alan,

but before we go,
I have one more trick up my sleeve.

Right, let's see.

Now, here's the box in which
I keep my luggage.

There we go, like so.

Let's see. That's...

Now, in my luggage
I keep a very Christmassy item.

It's what everyone should keep
in their luggage, really.

It's a big surprise.

APPLAUSE

- Do you need a hand? - Thank you.

There you go.

Splendid.

- Oh, hello, Scott? - I have a surprise
for you, Stephen. - Oh, no.

My name is Scott Penrose. I am
the President of the Magic Circle,

and if you're
a member of the Magic Circle,

you have to have taken a test.

And throughout this series of QI,
you've been doing various

- magical experiments, so it's with
a great deal of pleasure... - No!

..to announce that Stephen Fry
is now formally

a member of The Magic Circle.

Oh, my God!
APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Magic Moments by Perry Como

Merry Christmas, everybody!