QI (2003–…): Season 13, Episode 6 - Marriage and Mating - full transcript
Stephen Fry makes merry with marriage and mating with Jo Brand, Greg Davies, Bill Bailey and Alan Davies.
Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening -
and welcome to QI.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
today to celebrate
Marriage and Mating.
To help me tie the knot,
I've brought along a few mates -
the ministerial Bill Bailey...
APPLAUSE
..the matchmaking Greg Davies...
APPLAUSE
..the Maid of Honour, Jo Brand...
APPLAUSE
Maid of Honour?
..and the "Must We Really Invite
Him?" Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
So, let's hear your mating calls.
Bill goes...
TOAD CROAKS
You'll recognise that, Bill,
being an animal man.
Oh, should I? Is that an animal?
It's an amphibian.
I thought it was a...
Oh, it's a frog of some kind?
It's a marine toad.
LAUGHTER
And Jo goes...
MOOSE CALL
I do actually go like that.
Well, that was a moose.
And Greg goes...
MONKEY CHATTERS
It's been a few years
since I did that.
That is a spider monkey.
Of course it is.
Two animals for the price of one.
Wonderful.
So, Alan goes...
MALE ESSEX ACCENT:
'Hello, darling, you all right?'
LAUGHTER
And that's the mating call of...
Where do you come from, Alan, again?
Essex. Yeah. There we are.
And then you have sex,
that's how it works.
LAUGHTER
Everybody wins. Fantastic.
But what's the recipe
for a disastrous marriage?
MOOSE CALL
Oh, Jo?
Dead vicar?
It would be, you're right.
MONKEY CHATTERS
Yeah?
Live vicar, lovely couple,
escaped Bengali tiger.
Yeah, that would be tricky.
You've painted a word picture,
Greg, there.
Let's think first about budget.
The price of the wedding?
The price of the wedding, yeah.
Isn't it about 20 grand now?
To get...
Yeah, is that a good thing?
I mean does that affect the
long-term... Oh, I see.
So the more you spend
doesn't necessarily mean you're
going to have a happier marriage.
It's actually the more you spend,
the shorter the marriage.
Oh. Yes. Oh. Really?
Isn't that extraordinary?
It IS extraordinary.
Mine should be
over in a couple of weeks.
LAUGHTER
Cost a bloody fortune.
It was economists at
Emory University, Atlanta,
who discovered this.
They found an inverse
correlation between money spent
and how long it lasts.
Those who spent less than $1,000 -
which is what, £700? -
had divorce rates 53% below average,
while those who spent more than
20,000 -
you were talking
about that as a sum -
had divorce rates 46% above average.
What about numbers who attend
weddings?
Is that a similar inverse
correlation?
The more who come,
the shorter the marriage?
I presume so, because of the cost
factor. Expense, yeah.
Oddly enough, the reverse is true.
The more people who witness
the wedding, the longer it lasts.
So you've got to have a cheap
wedding with lots of people.
That seems to be the key.
This is Randy Olson,
a PhD student at Michigan State.
He found that couples who marry in
front of more than 200 people are
92% less likely to get divorced than
those who only have a few witnesses.
So really you want to get married
in Selfridges on Christmas Eve. Yes!
Or maybe, if you want to have it
cheap and cheerful,
but lots of people, maybe somewhere
like McDonald's, you might think.
In Hong Kong.
For $900, you can get
200 guests at a McDonald's.
McDonald's Happy Marriage.
It's a Happy Marriage, yes!
LAUGHTER
You get a two-hour venue rental,
you get 50 McDonaldland
character gifts.
You get two McDonald
balloon wedding rings.
Yeah,
but how many burgers do you get?
LAUGHTER
Come on, give us that info,
I'm thinking about getting
remarried there.
It's a very simple ceremony,
isn't it?
You point to the bride,
"Do you love it?" "I'm loving it."
"All right..."
APPLAUSE
It's all over in five minutes.
Yeah. Put a ring on it.
Yeah, that's right. Oh, onions,
lovely, put a ring on it.
Onion rings.
If you love it,
put an onion ring on it.
Randy Olson from Michigan State,
who discovered that we should be...
I can't get a picture of an erection
with an onion ring on it
out of my head. Oh!
LAUGHTER
I get that. How do you get
a thought out of your head?
What, like onion ring quoits?
LAUGHTER
I used to do a bit of stand-up
about this thing that I found...
About onion rings? That sounds
great. That sounds brilliant.
What it was,
we were doing a secret Santa, right,
and it was a £10 limit.
And I went in... There was quite
a good adult shop on the Essex Road,
and for under £10 the only
thing they offered was anal hoopla.
LAUGHTER
Anal hoopla consists of a stick,
which goes, guess where... Oh, yeah.
And three hoops.
LAUGHTER
That's...that's the actual game.
It's an ice breaker.
It's an ice breaker.
If things have gone a bit flat, you
know, in the bedroom area. Come on!
I mean, the tone of this show is SO
difficult to get right. I'm sorry!
I'm just... I'm recalibrating.
All this anal hoopla. Who would have
predicted anal hoopla?
On the front of it, on the front
of the packet is a cartoon drawing,
a bit like a saucy postcard.
Two people playing,
as if they couldn't get anyone to
actually demo it.
Oh, my goodness, yeah.
I dare say it doesn't work.
Where was this for sale?
At the ARSE-nal football ground?
Wahey!
BILL SHOUTS GIBBERISH
Thank you.
That's Klingon for, "Anal hoopla?"
LAUGHTER
SHOUTS GIBBERISH AGAIN
"No, thanks."
"Let's play Scrabble."
Now, what's the longest anyone
has ever gone without sex?
I went for a whole panel show once,
but I...
It's not over yet, Greg.
I can't see that happening again.
A bit of hoopla? You know...
I just think you get to a certain
age and you're up for new
experiences, Bill.
Yeah, go on.
MONKEY CHATTERS
That's it, once you've been with
a beardy, you never go back.
I don't know. Is it human?
Are you talking humans here?
No, we're not talking humans.
Of course not.
Something buried in the ground,
like a lungfish for something.
Is a tortoise? Yeah.
I'm just trying to think of things
that live for a long time
that could not have sex.
Trees.
HE MOUTHS
Well, no. I beg your pardon?
I wasn't doing an impression of you.
It's like... I didn't think you were.
But now I do.
No, I had an aunt who couldn't say,
"...ex", like that. "...ex".
I love aunts like that.
A friend of mine,
his aunt was in hospital having
an operation on her leg,
and the surgeon came round to check
how it was and she said to him,
"It's the first time I've
had my legs together for years."
Of course everyone
around the bed went...
SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER
Like that, and she had no idea what
we were talking about.
Yes, but this is an animal.
What it is about is,
when we say species have sex,
what do we mean by that?
Actually... Conjoin. Conjoin.
Yeah. We're going back hundreds
of millions of years.
Dinosaurs.
Yes, we're going back to that.
Shrews! Shrews!
We're under the sea. The first
animal known to have sex...
Barnacle. No.
The first species to do it was a
fish called Microbrachius dicki.
Come on.
JO: Microbrachius what?
Dicki. Dicki. D-I-C-K-I.
The old dicki. The old dicki.
Microbrachius means small arms.
Small arms dick.
Small arms dick.
Dick small arms. OK.
Dicky small arms.
The Microbrachius dicki,
380 million years ago was the
first creature that we
know of to engage in
internal organ sex.
Penetrative.
Yes, penetrative, exactly.
Fortunately, it kept a diary.
They had bony protrusions running
down both sides of their bodies,
and during copulation the male's
bony bits stuck to the female's
Iike Velcro, which held them
together.
Aw. It looks quite sweet, though.
So, they had sex sideways.
But it didn't really catch on.
And the species' descendants then
evolved to stop having sex.
No creature attempted to have
internal sex again for between
20 and 40 million years,
as far as we know.
I'm not sure how evolution works.
Will it have been one of these
fish who just suddenly went,
"I think I'm going to try
this today"?
Maybe it started with the lady one
laying the eggs
and the man one
fertilising the eggs,
and then one day he saw the eggs
coming out and he decided to get
ahead of the game.
To beat the others.
I think you're probably right.
And those that did that passed on
their genes more successfully.
Until it got further
and further inside.
It looks like they're wearing
blindfolds.
It's a bit 50 Shades, isn't it?
"What's that? What that?"
"It's my male claspers."
Looks like it's been superimposed
on an ice lolly.
Yeah, happy face. Yeah.
Anyway, animals first had sex
380 million years ago,
then give it a rest
for around 30 million years.
Who's still having sex?
Not me. Not me.
I'll tell you what, these toads.
TOAD CROAKS
They're begging for it.
Begging for it.
But are they having it?
Are they having it?
Who's still having sex?
What, long-term? Some animals lock
together for ages, don't they?
Are we still...
are we in the animal kingdom?
Well, Alan,
you're in absolutely the right area,
in as much as
you've spotted our phrase,
"Still having sex," as being having
sex in a still position.
Ah!
So it is the species that most has
to be utterly motionless
when having sex
that we could discover.
Is it nuns?
LAUGHTER
It's not nuns.
Prehistoric nuns.
It's a moth. A moth?
It's a moth. It's a moth.
And so... There it is. Oh, right.
There it is, beautiful, beautiful
moth. It's the gold swift moth.
And it's at its most vulnerable
when mating.
Because it might
move and exhibit ecstasy.
So what it does instead is keep
incredibly still,
so that the bat doesn't spot
the twitch, any movement.
But it has a wonderful repertoire
of positions...
(sexual positions.)
(Why are we whispering?)
Unique amongst...
Because we don't want to disturb it.
Look, there they are. OK.
Do you know what, you went all
David Attenborough, then.
As though we were sort of...
(just about to watch it.)
I think Stephen's worried about
being attacked by a bat. I was.
AS ATTENBOROUGH: On the left there
is the standard, facing position.
And in the middle,
an extraordinary upside down...
See the tiny moth cock.
Mr Moth and Kate Moth...
LAUGHTER
Wahey! Thank you.
But they are a marvellous species,
I think you'll agree.
Yeah, the gold swift moth,
it has to remain completely still
when having sex.
Now for something completely
different.
Who's still having sex?
The, erm, gold...fish moth?
What was it called?
God, dementia already.
The swift. Gold swift moth.
The gold swift.
Oh, the gold swift moth.
JAUNTY TUNE
Well done.
You get points for remembering. Oh.
We are so impressed, because it's
very rare that anyone on QI
can remember the question
that's just been asked.
Oh, I was so close,
I said goldfish moth.
You were close. I know.
Is this a new thing, then? Master Of
Memory? Yes, that's right. Wow!
Yeah, well done you.
Will we get some slightly easier
ones, like our names?
Because my memory's terrible.
Mine's terrible. Yeah, really bad.
Such a fabulously
middle-aged new feature.
Isn't it?! I love it. I know.
Master of Memory!
Well done for remembering
something seconds ago.
LAUGHTER
FRAIL VOICE: Is it
Neville Chamberlain?' Anyway...
IN POSH VOICE:
One of those rave parties.
LAUGHTER
So, what was the question?
Eh? What? Eh? What, what?
What was the question?
Who's still having sex?
Yes, well done.
You remembered that, good.
POSH ACCENT: I like a bit of
kedgeree in the morning...
LAUGHTER
So, it's another question,
who's still having sex?
Is it anything to do with that
lady in the picture?
No, the picture, as always,
is a complete distraction.
She's washed her smalls.
Oh, I suppose that's what it is.
Old ladies don't wear underwear
like that.
That one does.
I think they're her husband's.
Do you?
LAUGHTER
So, who's still having sex?
It's a fetish.
A cult. Another animal?
A fetish about having sex with
things that are still.
Oh, oh... Oh, I see. Statues?
Yes. Oh.
Absolutely right. Is it? Really?
Yeah, yeah.
And what's the Greek myth of someone
who fell in love with a statue?
Oh, thing. "Thing," yes.
Can we do better?
What's it begin with?
It begins with, well, the...
Pygmalion.
The sculpture begins with
P, Pygmalion, exactly.
Pygmalion is the sculpture of...
Yes! Memory, memory!
ONE PERSON APPLAUDS
Thank you. That one person.
APPLAUSE
Well, no, but...
Pygmalion made a statue of Galatea
and he fell in love with it.
And in the myth, the gods took pity
and breathed life into her.
But it does seem to be a genuine
passion people have.
Even in Greek times, the first
recorded case, Pliny claimed...
And we love Pliny, don't we?
Yeah. Oh, yes, yes.
Pliny claimed that Praxiteles'
naked statue of Aphrodite of Cnidus,
which is the first naked female
statue of that time... Yes.
Apparently she had a permanent
stain on her leg from where
a sailor got carried away.
Wow. Ugh.
What you might call seaman stains.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Seaman stains, yeah, well, it's true.
Quite literally.
But Cleisophus was a man who
tried to make love to
a statue in the temple of Samos.
When he found the marble very, very
cold, he changed his mind
and laid out a piece of meat on the
floor and made love to that instead.
AUDIENCE GROANS
It's an incredible jump to make,
isn't it? It is, a species...
"Oh, this statue's not working for
me, get me down the butcher's."
It is a bit odd, isn't it?
That would make...
But surely a statue is only
a kind of less giving blow-up doll,
really, isn't it? Don't you think?
This is a really good point, Jo,
because you've absolutely...
APPLAUSE
Yeah, thank you.
Sex psychiatrists have -
sexologists as they like to call
themselves - were early on puzzled by
the fact that this particular fetish
seemed to die away in the 1950s,
until they'd considered that maybe
it was replaced by the love
of blow-up dolls,
as they arrived on the market.
So it is, whatever that fetish is,
that desire to...
I suppose it's to...
so often the case, men's control,
power and all that sort of thing,
that you can control and have power
over something that
can't answer back, that is inanimate.
Well, I saw... Yeah?
I saw a picture in the paper the
other day of a very lifelike
woman robot.
And I must admit thinking to myself,
it's not going to be long.
It isn't, is it? No.
Wait a minute, that was Theresa May.
APPLAUSE
It was recognised as an illness
until the mid-20th century
when it was dropped because no
actual cases presented themselves.
What was it called?
It was called agalmatophobia.
Sorry, -philia, rather.
Phobia is the fear of things.
What's that, sorry? Agalmatophilia.
Philia. Yes, agalmatophilia.
The proclivity of having sex with
statues. Extraordinary word.
OK, agalmatophobia is the fear of
having sex with statues.
Yes. Well, the fear of statues.
Oh, I see. Right.
Now, who married
Big-Mouthed Margaret?
Denis.
KLAXON BLARES
Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.
Well, how can you know
Big-Mouthed Margaret?
Was it Tiny-Todger Tony?
LAUGHTER
If I said Muckle-Mou'ed Meg,
would that help?
Muckle being big and mou'ed being
mouthed, Meg being Margaret.
Is it Rabbie Burns?
Well, no, but, astonishingly,
you're in the right area,
in as much as it involves a very -
probably after Robbie Burns -
the most famous Scottish writer.
Wee Willie Winkie.
The most famous Scottish writer
after Robbie Burns.
Walter Scott? Walter Scott, yes,
brilliant. Bloody hell!
APPLAUSE
Really good.
You're on fire. I'm on fire!
You are on fire.
Yeah, and there you can see
William Scott and the woman herself,
Muckle-Mou'ed Meg.
And William Scott was Walter Scott's
great-great-grandfather,
and he stole some cattle off a man.
And he was sentenced to be hanged,
or to marry the man's
incredibly, apparently,
ugly daughter, Muckle-Mou'ed Meg.
I know, it's...
What sort of a court was this?
And William Scott said,
"I think I'll be hanged."
LAUGHTER
But at the very last minute he
changed his mind and he married her.
And they had a very happy marriage.
And because of it,
they had Walter Scott as a...
Even Robert Browning wrote
a poem on it, because they all
worshipped Walter Scott
in a way that we don't any more.
Jane Austen venerated him,
particularly the European writers,
Balzac and others venerated him.
Yes, William Scott said, "I do,"
to Muckle-Mouthed Meg.
And it's a good thing he did,
or we wouldn't have Sir Walter.
But who advised dissecting
a woman before marrying one?
I think my husband said
something similar,
when we were a bit pissed one night.
Some great, one of the Victorian...
He was a great,
and he was 19th century.
Oddly enough,
I've mentioned his name today.
He was a great writer.
Walter Scott. No.
Balzac. Honore de Balzac.
Pliny. Honore de Balzac is
the right answer.
I just said Balzac! I said Balzac!
No, he did just say that. He did.
You didn't say the first name!
All right, calm down. There he is.
There he is, I'd know him anywhere!
Did his fiancee hang herself?
Bless him. Well, his fiancee
stayed his fiancee
for a very, very long time.
He fell in love with a countess,
who said, "You can't marry me
"until my husband dies,"
because she was already married.
And it took 17 years.
Eventually they got married.
Five months later, Balzac died.
So, he didn't get much use
out of her,
if that's the right word.
I don't think it is. No.
He wrote a book in 1829 called
The Physiology Of Marriage,
in which he said, "A man ought not
to marry without having
"studied anatomy
and dissected at least one woman."
So, I mean a dead woman, he's not...
Oh, that's such a creepy suggestion.
It is a bit creepy.
I guess it's so he knows what's...
the bits, where they all go.
And where everything is. Really?
No, I hand my mother
a cup of tea without knowing
the workings of her hand.
That's a very good point.
It's not very romantic, is it? No.
"Darling..." Well, I don't want it
to be, she's my mother.
LAUGHTER
There's a lot worse coming,
which I'm not going to read you,
because you'll never read Balzac
again. Ooh, great. Oh, please.
He said that
"A man should weaken the will
"and strength of a wife by tiring her
out under the load of constant work,
"so that she has no energy left
to cause trouble."
He deserved a big spank, didn't he?
He was an early founder of Ukip.
LAUGHTER
And, very weirdly, he said, "Never
allow her to drink water alone.
"If you do, you are lost."
I mean, it's interesting,
within a few sentences,
he is clearly just a
fucking nutter, isn't he?
Yeah. He's having a laugh, surely.
I'd find him hard to forgive
if he wasn't such a looker.
LAUGHTER
Do you know the Rodin sculpture
of him, which is fantastic?
It's one of the great works of art.
I've rubbed against it.
Have you? No!
LAUGHTER
Balzac drank 50 cups of coffee a day.
I don't know if that excuses him.
There's a cup of coffee, in case
you didn't know what one looked like.
He drank 50 cups of coffee a day?
Yeah, and when he found that didn't
quite hit the spot,
he then took to eating the grounds,
coffee grounds. It was really weird.
Well, I'm amazed he was
as coherent as he was.
If I drank 50 cups of coffee I'd be
jumping off buildings. Incredible.
Well, Beethoven always counted out
exactly 60 coffee beans
for every cup he drank.
Kierkegaard, on the other hand,
the philosopher,
had 50 different coffee cups.
Whenever he wanted a cup of coffee -
I really want to kill him so much -
he instructed his secretary
to select one of these cups
and provide a valid philosophical
reason for doing so.
He sounds like a right knob.
"Invalid. Invalid reason."
"No, no." "Take it away."
Anyway, Balzac thought that you
should dissect a woman before
marrying one.
What do monkeys spend their
money on?
It depends on the monkey,
doesn't it?
Your macaque will spend it
on cigarettes and drink.
Your mandrill, DIY.
LAUGHTER
Clever!
Very good. Man-drill.
Surely the macaque would spend
it on lavatory paper. Of course!
Oh, we're going that way, are we?
Oh, OK. I see.
Food, I bet this...
Is this going to be some sort of
experiment where they got rewarded
with something and they had to take
it somewhere to get something else?
Like sort of a monkey thing?
Well, they actually were taught...
they were taught the principles
of money, monetary exchange.
They were given silver discs
and taught that they could
exchange them for food.
These are capuchins.
So called because of their colours,
the creamy top...
They really do look at a camera
lens, monkeys. Those do, yeah.
You see those shots of loads of
monkeys all staring at
a camera lens. Yeah.
If you've noticed, there's one of
them who's not looking
at the camera lens.
LAUGHTER
Quite notably, yes.
Unless that monkey has had a very
unfortunate accident with a camera.
Or he's looking for a game
of anal hoopla.
Why are capuchins called capuchins?
Isn't it something to do with...
Cappuccino.
Cappuccino?
Because they're coffee-coloured?
Because they are the same
colour as cappuccino,
cream colour at the top,
dark at the bottom.
But that's why... Monks.
That's right,
it starts with the monks.
APPLAUSE
What is going on today?
Something's gone wrong with me,
I tell you, because normally...
Capuchin monks have a cream-coloured
cowl and dark habit.
And so the coffee was named
cappuccino,
because it was creamy at the top
and coffee below. Oh!
And similarly, capuchin monkeys
have that colouring.
It's impossible to take your eyes
off that one, I want to.
I just imagine what's
going on in his head.
It is so severely inspecting,
isn't he?
"Mate, you've got a problem back
here, seriously."
"Something's just
crawled into your arse."
LAUGHTER
Researchers at Yale taught capuchin
monkeys that in exchange
for a certain number of tokens,
they could buy a certain number
of grapes or little cubes of jelly.
Once they grasped this,
the extraordinary thing was,
they really got the whole concept.
One of the monkeys used their new
currency to give to a female
to have sex with him -
essentially a prostitute.
And the female would then take
the disc and buy herself a grape.
So the money had gone, you know,
through the system, as money does.
But there is a separate piece
of research in 2005 which
involved macaques,
that showed that they pay
to look at porn.
It's true. Wow. But the extraordinary
thing is, only classy porn.
Oh, that's all right. Yeah.
They forfeited their usual reward,
which was a glass of cherry juice,
for pictures of the faces and bottoms
of what are known as high-ranking
females within the troop of macaques.
But they wouldn't look at pictures
of the bottoms and faces of
Iower ranked females unless they
were GIVEN a glass of juice.
So, they would give up their juice
to look at the porn of the higher
ranking ones,
but they had to be paid in juice
to look at the other ones.
It's extraordinary. They're monkeys.
It is not a moral thing.
Again, I know I say this a lot,
but who is funding this?
What kind of twisted...
"Go on, give them money..."
HE LEERS
Anyway, what uses can you think of
for a parachute on your wedding day?
Dress?
Yes! It's that simple.
APPLAUSE
You're running away with it.
Well, normally I'm thick as shit,
I can't really understand
what's going on. Anyway.
It was particularly in World War II,
and parachutes were made out of...?
AUDIENCE: Silk.
BILL: Silk, yes.
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen, exactly.
And any spare, or ones that were
found in fields,
were grabbed by grateful people
to turn into wedding dresses.
There was a village in 1941
where a German soldier
Ianded in his parachute and he...
Didn't have a swastika on it,
did it?
No, no, fortunately not!
Or if it did...
ALAN SINGS THE WEDDING MARCH
"I say, she's got a bloody
swastika!"
LAUGHTER
"I think that's in very bad taste."
Even if they were, it was great,
because that village
turned them into bloomers,
you known, into long knickers.
Oh, that's all right, to have
a swastika on your bloomers, though.
Well, no-one would see. I think it's
positively encouraged, actually.
"There's something you don't
know about me..."
LAUGHTER
But there you see a wedding dress,
and the majority of wedding dresses
were not white until after the war.
White was a more
common colour than any other,
but it still wasn't the majority.
Jane Austen's mother wore a bright
red dress, for example.
And Queen Victoria had a white
wedding dress,
and that was quite a sort of fashion
statement that people copied.
But things didn't get really white
until the age of the washing machine
and things like that.
Right, it was a luxury,
afforded by the rich.
And even in the '50s, people
expected to wear their wedding dress
again, it wasn't a one-off thing,
as it is now.
But I'll tell you an interesting
thing about Queen Victoria.
Yeah? Yeah.
When she died,
towards the end of her life...
LAUGHTER
No, it's gossip and I feel guilty
about telling you. Go on.
She won't find out.
She was wider than she was tall.
Really? So?
APPLAUSE
I wore my wedding dress again,
actually. Did you?
Yeah. I went to a fancy dress
party as Alaska.
Yeah. I went to a fancy dress
party as Alaska.
LAUGHTER
Anyway...
Tell us about...more about old...
She was 59 inches tall,
and she was 66 inches wide.
Wow! Bless her. Really? Yes.
But wide or in circumference? In
circumference. Yeah, I was going to
say. Sorry, not wide.
She can't possibly have been...
No, no. Sorry.
LAUGHTER
That's circumference. Yeah.
I don't mean width, but I mean...
"Here she comes."
All the way round was 66.
"We're going to have to
knock through." Yeah.
Can't get through any of the doors.
And that's how the
Victoria Line was started.
She needs a pew of her own.
The Albert Hall was just
a cast of her body.
This is her bust size,
I'm talking about. 66.
Wow! 66 bust? Yeah. Crikey!
Good Lord!
She was very short.
Oo-hee, there's some lovin' there.
Her bloomers were sold,
quite recently, for over £6,000.
Must have been an enormous
swastika on there.
Almost certainly a swastika.
What do you think their waist was?
Bloomers start at the waist,
they're like pants...
80 inches. Well... XXXL.
Yeah, they were XXX... There were
lots of Xs, 56 inch waist.
56. 56. I'm so sorry. I got it all
wrong. It's 52. 52.
I completely exaggerated.
And she was what, how tall?
4'11".
59 inches.
4'11". Aw. Bless her heart.
A tiny, little Queen. Yes, she was!
So, what uses can you think of
for a half-naked Frenchman
on your wedding night?
If it was the other half, hoopla.
IN FRENCH ACCENT:
There is an half-naked Frenchman.
That is Gerard Depardieu.
He is about three times that size
now, he is enormous.
He's gone all Victoria, hasn't he?
He is a little bit tubbier than
that now, it must be said.
It is not actually
a question about Depardieu,
it is a question about an
half-naked Frenchman.
So, what are we talking about?
Would you use him to give you a bit
of a run out, first, as it were?
Practice?
We're going back in this case to the
16th century, and we're thinking
about how a marriage can be shown to
work, especially in royal circles.
Le droit du seigneur? No, it's
not that, that's one thing, but...
Not the old blood on the sheet
routine?
Well, the blood on the sheet
demonstrates what?
Consummation. Consummation.
And without consummation,
a marriage
is considered invalid, ultimately.
Without consomme...
Yeah, without consomme.
So, if the man has not done his duty
by the woman... Done the biz.
Henry VIII again.
Well, exactly, and precisely, we are
talking about Henry VIII's family.
But it doesn't have to be
on the first night, does it?
It doesn't have to be
the first night,
but the first night gets it
all out of the way. Fair dos.
So, we are in royal circles here.
You mentioned Henry VIII,
and we're actually in the world
of Henry VIII's sister.
She was a Tudor, and her name
was Mary,
but she is not to be confused with
Mary Tudor who was Henry's daughter,
or Bloody Mary,
as she was also known.
There she is.
She married Louis XI I of France.
Louis XI I had better things
to do on the wedding night,
so Mary went into the bedroom,
she took off her clothes,
and the Duc de Longueville pulled
off his hose and his doublet
and he laid a bare leg and thigh
on the bed till it touched hers
under the covers.
HE YELPS
All the people there - there was
a crowd - applauded.
HE APPLAUDS
And that was consummation. Even
though it wasn't even the husband.
That's how mad the period was.
He was proxy. Ah, I see.
So that was a gig, then?
You could get that as a gig,
to touch legs?
Being the proxy? Yeah. The leg
toucher. Leg toucher to royal brides.
Yeah. You'd be in the taverns,
"Yeah, I'm leg toucher to the
Royals, yeah".
"I've touched them all, you know."
"Touched them all."
I think they had to check them
medically before they were
allowed to do it, though, to make
sure they didn't have any
venereal disease,
cos they didn't want a poxy proxy.
APPLAUSE
Thank you.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Like after a walk on a windswept
cliff,
but there was a beautiful cake at
the end of it.
Yes, Mary Tudor got a bit of a leg
over, but it wasn't her husband's.
Now it's time to enrol in the
dreaded school of General Ignorance.
Describe the sex chromosomes
of the Queen.
Xs and Ys. Ys. Two Ys?
Erm... An X and a Y.
TOAD CROAKS
One doesn't have chromosomes.
One has a chromosome proxy,
you know.
Well, you've just given me very
seriously male chromosomes. Right.
I was having a go, though,
wasn't I? I was trying. You were.
I'm under pressure up here.
You've actually done rather well.
Have I? Yeah.
Generally speaking, human beings have
how many pairs of chromosomes?
One? Two? We have 23, which is
not as many as a potato.
We have 23 pairs, and one of those
pairs determines our sex, gender.
And if you are a female you're...
XX. XX.
And if you're male... XY. XY.
And there are variations...
I thought it was YY.
..but generally speaking,
we've got the Y.
If you've got YY, what are you,
then?
Boy George.
LAUGHTER
But the Queen has given birth to
males. And does that change you?
There is a little bit of two-way
going on in the womb,
up and down the placenta, as it were,
and that is that if you have a male
child inside you, it has XY
chromosomes, of course, and a little
bit of that XY chromosome will lodge
inside the mother and stay there.
A 93-year-old woman recently
was found to have the XY
chromosome in her head from a male
child she had had decades ago.
Oh! So the Queen will have, having
had three male children, namely...
Er...
She's had Charles, Andrew
and Edward. That's right, very good.
Lucky, Lucky and Lucky.
And somewhere there will be
remnants of the XY chromosomes.
Makes you more likely
to like football.
Prince Philip was in a school,
children were showing him,
saying if you inspect the genes
you can tell the gender,
and Prince Philip said,
"Can't you just pull them down?"
Ah, bless him. Here's a card,
isn't he?
Totally. Here is an easy one.
How many legally recognised political
parties are there in China?
MONKEY CHATTERS
Yes, Greg? One.
KLAXON BLARES
Oh, dear. No, it's not one. None.
Ah, you see, you've played
this game a lot.
You think you can... No.
LAUGHTER
Two.
KLAXON BLARES
We could have fun here, couldn't we?
There are actually eight
other parties other than
the Communist Party.
Isn't that extraordinary?
They are a multiparty state.
There they all are.
Day release from prison.
So, what is the maximum number
of children allowed in
every family in China?
Oh... Ah... Ah!
Hold on. Who is going to go?
Do it, do it!
TOAD CROAKS
Have a plump. One.
KLAXON BLARES
They had a policy.
They did have a policy.
But it was never all
the people of China,
all the families of China
who were affected.
For example, if you were an ethnic
minority it didn't apply to you.
Ethnic minority meant anyone
who wasn't Han Chinese.
36% of the population were subject
to a one child rule,
but never the whole of China.
The average number of children
a Chinese woman bears is 1.4.
That's weird, isn't it?
HE CHUCKLES
What do you think it is in Britain?
I thought it was 2.4 children?
1.7. 1.8.
1.9. 1.9. You were nearly there.
And I'd be very impressed
if you knew the country in the world
with the highest birth rate.
This country is in anagram of what
Queen Elizabeth does.
Niger. Yes!
Wow! Very quick.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Did he just ask you what
she had for breakfast? Yes.
Because I want to know what
combination of things
she's had that make her brain
work so well today.
Yes, the Queen reigns, and it is
Niger. "Niger". Seven is the average.
Good Lord.
Quite a burden for a woman in Niger.
Now, name a monogamous bird?
Me.
LAUGHTER
Swan.
KLAXON BLARES
Sorry, we just had to get you there.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Penguin.
Penguin. Penguin from the audience.
Oh, does the audience want one?
KLAXON BLARES
APPLAUSE
That's what happens...
We've got a dumb audience.
Yeah, you see. Not so clever now!
LAUGHTER
ANOTHER MAN: Magpie.
No, it's a nun, it's a nun.
APPLAUSE
Almost no birds are monogamous,
even ones that are thought of as
monogamous are not truly monogamous.
They misbehave. They cheat.
I mean, the only one we've come up
with is the black vulture.
Where you do genetic tests...
Nobody... Nobody will have him. No.
Ugh!
A proud, handsome fellow.
Or girl. He is monogamous?
He is, yeah. Not by choice. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
No infidelity is
found by DNA testing,
whereas in almost all
the other birds...
Ducks are... They're dirty sods,
aren't they?
Swans have also...black swans in
particular - one in six cygnets is
the result of extra-pair copulation,
what we would call extra-marital.
Yes. Despite the love hearts
and the beautiful romantic
shape that they make.
Other orders or classes of animal
that are genuinely monogamous,
apart from black vultures, are the
flatworm Diplozoon paradoxum.
When a male meets a female,
they actually fuse together,
so they don't really have any
choice in the matter.
So they remain faithful till death.
And voles.
That's very sweet. Look at that.
Aw!
How can you not love a vole?
Everything eats them as well,
it's such a shame for them. Yeah.
Owls in particular. Yeah. An owl can
hear the heartbeat of a vole or...
Or a shrew...or something, from,
when it's four feet underground,
when it's flying overhead.
I know, it's amazing.
And they've got their concave face,
the owls,
it's like an echo chamber, and they
can hear the heartbeat underground.
Isn't that amazing?
They say they can, anyway. Yeah.
"Yes, I heard it underground. Hmm."
I was like that
when I had my ears waxed
and it was like that, you know,
coming out of the surgery.
"Oh, my God, I can hear a vole
four miles away!"
I saw an owl flying for the first
time in my life this year.
And they make no noise at all,
do they? No.
And apparently they're really thick.
Are they?
They're not as wise as people have
been going on about, are they?
No, apparently not.
Barn owls are really stupid, they
don't even know where they live.
They have to have the habitat
built into the name.
"Where do I live?
Barn, barn! That's it. Oh, yes."
LAUGHTER
Well, voles are monogamous
and charming
and indeed their names
are an anagram of?
Love. Yes. Isn't that nice?
Well, many supposedly monogamous
birds have a little tit on the side.
Who can marry you at sea?
The captain of the ship.
KLAXON BLARES
A vicar who happened to
be on the ship.
Ship's entertainer?
No. No, I don't think so.
That would be great, wouldn't it?
"Des O'Connor's marrying you."
The thing is, a ship's captain
can't, and never has been able to.
It's a total myth. Oh.
Where's that come from, then?
Why do I know that to be true?
It seems to come from films,
you know, all kinds of things.
The Amorous Adventures
of Moll Flanders, it happens.
Look, Bill, there's your pipe
character made flesh. Oh, yes.
Oh, yes. It is, yeah.
Look at that moustache.
"Good God!
"I can't marry you, but I'm going to
have a bloody good go."
LAUGHTER
"The things I can do with this
moustache,
"you wouldn't believe, madam."
"Extraordinary."
"Ooh, oooh!"
"You can actually play hoopla
with this moustache."
"And once I bring the pipe
into play...
"..you'll be begging for mercy."
"Ooh, ho-ah!"
The only country we could find
where it is true that the captain
can marry is Japan. Japan. Yeah.
But the couple has to be
Japanese, as well.
The captain can if the couple
is Japanese. All right.
He's punching above his weight,
that fella, isn't he? Blimey.
Aren't they the ones that
were in McDonald's earlier?
I think they do look like it,
we may have just put
the different backdrop on.
I think you have. The horrible
truth. I think it's right, yeah.
A ship's captain is no more
qualified to marry you than I am.
So, to the scores. Oh, my actual.
Well, in first place,
the blindingly, anagrammatically,
factually gifted Jo Brand
with seven points!
APPLAUSE
Well done, Jo.
Plus 7, that's a rare plus.
In second place, what a debut,
with minus 4, it's Greg.
Well done, Greg Davies.
APPLAUSE
In third place, with a mighty
minus 13, is Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE
But never knowingly out-hopelessed,
with minus 32, is Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
It only remains for me
to thank Greg, Bill, Jo and Alan.
And I leave you with this wise old
adage off a bumper sticker.
"Marriage is like a hurricane,
"it starts with all that
sucking and blowing,
"and, in the end,
you lose your house."
Goodnight.
Who is this dangerous renegade,
this maverick,
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening -
and welcome to QI.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
today to celebrate
Marriage and Mating.
To help me tie the knot,
I've brought along a few mates -
the ministerial Bill Bailey...
APPLAUSE
..the matchmaking Greg Davies...
APPLAUSE
..the Maid of Honour, Jo Brand...
APPLAUSE
Maid of Honour?
..and the "Must We Really Invite
Him?" Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
So, let's hear your mating calls.
Bill goes...
TOAD CROAKS
You'll recognise that, Bill,
being an animal man.
Oh, should I? Is that an animal?
It's an amphibian.
I thought it was a...
Oh, it's a frog of some kind?
It's a marine toad.
LAUGHTER
And Jo goes...
MOOSE CALL
I do actually go like that.
Well, that was a moose.
And Greg goes...
MONKEY CHATTERS
It's been a few years
since I did that.
That is a spider monkey.
Of course it is.
Two animals for the price of one.
Wonderful.
So, Alan goes...
MALE ESSEX ACCENT:
'Hello, darling, you all right?'
LAUGHTER
And that's the mating call of...
Where do you come from, Alan, again?
Essex. Yeah. There we are.
And then you have sex,
that's how it works.
LAUGHTER
Everybody wins. Fantastic.
But what's the recipe
for a disastrous marriage?
MOOSE CALL
Oh, Jo?
Dead vicar?
It would be, you're right.
MONKEY CHATTERS
Yeah?
Live vicar, lovely couple,
escaped Bengali tiger.
Yeah, that would be tricky.
You've painted a word picture,
Greg, there.
Let's think first about budget.
The price of the wedding?
The price of the wedding, yeah.
Isn't it about 20 grand now?
To get...
Yeah, is that a good thing?
I mean does that affect the
long-term... Oh, I see.
So the more you spend
doesn't necessarily mean you're
going to have a happier marriage.
It's actually the more you spend,
the shorter the marriage.
Oh. Yes. Oh. Really?
Isn't that extraordinary?
It IS extraordinary.
Mine should be
over in a couple of weeks.
LAUGHTER
Cost a bloody fortune.
It was economists at
Emory University, Atlanta,
who discovered this.
They found an inverse
correlation between money spent
and how long it lasts.
Those who spent less than $1,000 -
which is what, £700? -
had divorce rates 53% below average,
while those who spent more than
20,000 -
you were talking
about that as a sum -
had divorce rates 46% above average.
What about numbers who attend
weddings?
Is that a similar inverse
correlation?
The more who come,
the shorter the marriage?
I presume so, because of the cost
factor. Expense, yeah.
Oddly enough, the reverse is true.
The more people who witness
the wedding, the longer it lasts.
So you've got to have a cheap
wedding with lots of people.
That seems to be the key.
This is Randy Olson,
a PhD student at Michigan State.
He found that couples who marry in
front of more than 200 people are
92% less likely to get divorced than
those who only have a few witnesses.
So really you want to get married
in Selfridges on Christmas Eve. Yes!
Or maybe, if you want to have it
cheap and cheerful,
but lots of people, maybe somewhere
like McDonald's, you might think.
In Hong Kong.
For $900, you can get
200 guests at a McDonald's.
McDonald's Happy Marriage.
It's a Happy Marriage, yes!
LAUGHTER
You get a two-hour venue rental,
you get 50 McDonaldland
character gifts.
You get two McDonald
balloon wedding rings.
Yeah,
but how many burgers do you get?
LAUGHTER
Come on, give us that info,
I'm thinking about getting
remarried there.
It's a very simple ceremony,
isn't it?
You point to the bride,
"Do you love it?" "I'm loving it."
"All right..."
APPLAUSE
It's all over in five minutes.
Yeah. Put a ring on it.
Yeah, that's right. Oh, onions,
lovely, put a ring on it.
Onion rings.
If you love it,
put an onion ring on it.
Randy Olson from Michigan State,
who discovered that we should be...
I can't get a picture of an erection
with an onion ring on it
out of my head. Oh!
LAUGHTER
I get that. How do you get
a thought out of your head?
What, like onion ring quoits?
LAUGHTER
I used to do a bit of stand-up
about this thing that I found...
About onion rings? That sounds
great. That sounds brilliant.
What it was,
we were doing a secret Santa, right,
and it was a £10 limit.
And I went in... There was quite
a good adult shop on the Essex Road,
and for under £10 the only
thing they offered was anal hoopla.
LAUGHTER
Anal hoopla consists of a stick,
which goes, guess where... Oh, yeah.
And three hoops.
LAUGHTER
That's...that's the actual game.
It's an ice breaker.
It's an ice breaker.
If things have gone a bit flat, you
know, in the bedroom area. Come on!
I mean, the tone of this show is SO
difficult to get right. I'm sorry!
I'm just... I'm recalibrating.
All this anal hoopla. Who would have
predicted anal hoopla?
On the front of it, on the front
of the packet is a cartoon drawing,
a bit like a saucy postcard.
Two people playing,
as if they couldn't get anyone to
actually demo it.
Oh, my goodness, yeah.
I dare say it doesn't work.
Where was this for sale?
At the ARSE-nal football ground?
Wahey!
BILL SHOUTS GIBBERISH
Thank you.
That's Klingon for, "Anal hoopla?"
LAUGHTER
SHOUTS GIBBERISH AGAIN
"No, thanks."
"Let's play Scrabble."
Now, what's the longest anyone
has ever gone without sex?
I went for a whole panel show once,
but I...
It's not over yet, Greg.
I can't see that happening again.
A bit of hoopla? You know...
I just think you get to a certain
age and you're up for new
experiences, Bill.
Yeah, go on.
MONKEY CHATTERS
That's it, once you've been with
a beardy, you never go back.
I don't know. Is it human?
Are you talking humans here?
No, we're not talking humans.
Of course not.
Something buried in the ground,
like a lungfish for something.
Is a tortoise? Yeah.
I'm just trying to think of things
that live for a long time
that could not have sex.
Trees.
HE MOUTHS
Well, no. I beg your pardon?
I wasn't doing an impression of you.
It's like... I didn't think you were.
But now I do.
No, I had an aunt who couldn't say,
"...ex", like that. "...ex".
I love aunts like that.
A friend of mine,
his aunt was in hospital having
an operation on her leg,
and the surgeon came round to check
how it was and she said to him,
"It's the first time I've
had my legs together for years."
Of course everyone
around the bed went...
SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER
Like that, and she had no idea what
we were talking about.
Yes, but this is an animal.
What it is about is,
when we say species have sex,
what do we mean by that?
Actually... Conjoin. Conjoin.
Yeah. We're going back hundreds
of millions of years.
Dinosaurs.
Yes, we're going back to that.
Shrews! Shrews!
We're under the sea. The first
animal known to have sex...
Barnacle. No.
The first species to do it was a
fish called Microbrachius dicki.
Come on.
JO: Microbrachius what?
Dicki. Dicki. D-I-C-K-I.
The old dicki. The old dicki.
Microbrachius means small arms.
Small arms dick.
Small arms dick.
Dick small arms. OK.
Dicky small arms.
The Microbrachius dicki,
380 million years ago was the
first creature that we
know of to engage in
internal organ sex.
Penetrative.
Yes, penetrative, exactly.
Fortunately, it kept a diary.
They had bony protrusions running
down both sides of their bodies,
and during copulation the male's
bony bits stuck to the female's
Iike Velcro, which held them
together.
Aw. It looks quite sweet, though.
So, they had sex sideways.
But it didn't really catch on.
And the species' descendants then
evolved to stop having sex.
No creature attempted to have
internal sex again for between
20 and 40 million years,
as far as we know.
I'm not sure how evolution works.
Will it have been one of these
fish who just suddenly went,
"I think I'm going to try
this today"?
Maybe it started with the lady one
laying the eggs
and the man one
fertilising the eggs,
and then one day he saw the eggs
coming out and he decided to get
ahead of the game.
To beat the others.
I think you're probably right.
And those that did that passed on
their genes more successfully.
Until it got further
and further inside.
It looks like they're wearing
blindfolds.
It's a bit 50 Shades, isn't it?
"What's that? What that?"
"It's my male claspers."
Looks like it's been superimposed
on an ice lolly.
Yeah, happy face. Yeah.
Anyway, animals first had sex
380 million years ago,
then give it a rest
for around 30 million years.
Who's still having sex?
Not me. Not me.
I'll tell you what, these toads.
TOAD CROAKS
They're begging for it.
Begging for it.
But are they having it?
Are they having it?
Who's still having sex?
What, long-term? Some animals lock
together for ages, don't they?
Are we still...
are we in the animal kingdom?
Well, Alan,
you're in absolutely the right area,
in as much as
you've spotted our phrase,
"Still having sex," as being having
sex in a still position.
Ah!
So it is the species that most has
to be utterly motionless
when having sex
that we could discover.
Is it nuns?
LAUGHTER
It's not nuns.
Prehistoric nuns.
It's a moth. A moth?
It's a moth. It's a moth.
And so... There it is. Oh, right.
There it is, beautiful, beautiful
moth. It's the gold swift moth.
And it's at its most vulnerable
when mating.
Because it might
move and exhibit ecstasy.
So what it does instead is keep
incredibly still,
so that the bat doesn't spot
the twitch, any movement.
But it has a wonderful repertoire
of positions...
(sexual positions.)
(Why are we whispering?)
Unique amongst...
Because we don't want to disturb it.
Look, there they are. OK.
Do you know what, you went all
David Attenborough, then.
As though we were sort of...
(just about to watch it.)
I think Stephen's worried about
being attacked by a bat. I was.
AS ATTENBOROUGH: On the left there
is the standard, facing position.
And in the middle,
an extraordinary upside down...
See the tiny moth cock.
Mr Moth and Kate Moth...
LAUGHTER
Wahey! Thank you.
But they are a marvellous species,
I think you'll agree.
Yeah, the gold swift moth,
it has to remain completely still
when having sex.
Now for something completely
different.
Who's still having sex?
The, erm, gold...fish moth?
What was it called?
God, dementia already.
The swift. Gold swift moth.
The gold swift.
Oh, the gold swift moth.
JAUNTY TUNE
Well done.
You get points for remembering. Oh.
We are so impressed, because it's
very rare that anyone on QI
can remember the question
that's just been asked.
Oh, I was so close,
I said goldfish moth.
You were close. I know.
Is this a new thing, then? Master Of
Memory? Yes, that's right. Wow!
Yeah, well done you.
Will we get some slightly easier
ones, like our names?
Because my memory's terrible.
Mine's terrible. Yeah, really bad.
Such a fabulously
middle-aged new feature.
Isn't it?! I love it. I know.
Master of Memory!
Well done for remembering
something seconds ago.
LAUGHTER
FRAIL VOICE: Is it
Neville Chamberlain?' Anyway...
IN POSH VOICE:
One of those rave parties.
LAUGHTER
So, what was the question?
Eh? What? Eh? What, what?
What was the question?
Who's still having sex?
Yes, well done.
You remembered that, good.
POSH ACCENT: I like a bit of
kedgeree in the morning...
LAUGHTER
So, it's another question,
who's still having sex?
Is it anything to do with that
lady in the picture?
No, the picture, as always,
is a complete distraction.
She's washed her smalls.
Oh, I suppose that's what it is.
Old ladies don't wear underwear
like that.
That one does.
I think they're her husband's.
Do you?
LAUGHTER
So, who's still having sex?
It's a fetish.
A cult. Another animal?
A fetish about having sex with
things that are still.
Oh, oh... Oh, I see. Statues?
Yes. Oh.
Absolutely right. Is it? Really?
Yeah, yeah.
And what's the Greek myth of someone
who fell in love with a statue?
Oh, thing. "Thing," yes.
Can we do better?
What's it begin with?
It begins with, well, the...
Pygmalion.
The sculpture begins with
P, Pygmalion, exactly.
Pygmalion is the sculpture of...
Yes! Memory, memory!
ONE PERSON APPLAUDS
Thank you. That one person.
APPLAUSE
Well, no, but...
Pygmalion made a statue of Galatea
and he fell in love with it.
And in the myth, the gods took pity
and breathed life into her.
But it does seem to be a genuine
passion people have.
Even in Greek times, the first
recorded case, Pliny claimed...
And we love Pliny, don't we?
Yeah. Oh, yes, yes.
Pliny claimed that Praxiteles'
naked statue of Aphrodite of Cnidus,
which is the first naked female
statue of that time... Yes.
Apparently she had a permanent
stain on her leg from where
a sailor got carried away.
Wow. Ugh.
What you might call seaman stains.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Seaman stains, yeah, well, it's true.
Quite literally.
But Cleisophus was a man who
tried to make love to
a statue in the temple of Samos.
When he found the marble very, very
cold, he changed his mind
and laid out a piece of meat on the
floor and made love to that instead.
AUDIENCE GROANS
It's an incredible jump to make,
isn't it? It is, a species...
"Oh, this statue's not working for
me, get me down the butcher's."
It is a bit odd, isn't it?
That would make...
But surely a statue is only
a kind of less giving blow-up doll,
really, isn't it? Don't you think?
This is a really good point, Jo,
because you've absolutely...
APPLAUSE
Yeah, thank you.
Sex psychiatrists have -
sexologists as they like to call
themselves - were early on puzzled by
the fact that this particular fetish
seemed to die away in the 1950s,
until they'd considered that maybe
it was replaced by the love
of blow-up dolls,
as they arrived on the market.
So it is, whatever that fetish is,
that desire to...
I suppose it's to...
so often the case, men's control,
power and all that sort of thing,
that you can control and have power
over something that
can't answer back, that is inanimate.
Well, I saw... Yeah?
I saw a picture in the paper the
other day of a very lifelike
woman robot.
And I must admit thinking to myself,
it's not going to be long.
It isn't, is it? No.
Wait a minute, that was Theresa May.
APPLAUSE
It was recognised as an illness
until the mid-20th century
when it was dropped because no
actual cases presented themselves.
What was it called?
It was called agalmatophobia.
Sorry, -philia, rather.
Phobia is the fear of things.
What's that, sorry? Agalmatophilia.
Philia. Yes, agalmatophilia.
The proclivity of having sex with
statues. Extraordinary word.
OK, agalmatophobia is the fear of
having sex with statues.
Yes. Well, the fear of statues.
Oh, I see. Right.
Now, who married
Big-Mouthed Margaret?
Denis.
KLAXON BLARES
Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.
Well, how can you know
Big-Mouthed Margaret?
Was it Tiny-Todger Tony?
LAUGHTER
If I said Muckle-Mou'ed Meg,
would that help?
Muckle being big and mou'ed being
mouthed, Meg being Margaret.
Is it Rabbie Burns?
Well, no, but, astonishingly,
you're in the right area,
in as much as it involves a very -
probably after Robbie Burns -
the most famous Scottish writer.
Wee Willie Winkie.
The most famous Scottish writer
after Robbie Burns.
Walter Scott? Walter Scott, yes,
brilliant. Bloody hell!
APPLAUSE
Really good.
You're on fire. I'm on fire!
You are on fire.
Yeah, and there you can see
William Scott and the woman herself,
Muckle-Mou'ed Meg.
And William Scott was Walter Scott's
great-great-grandfather,
and he stole some cattle off a man.
And he was sentenced to be hanged,
or to marry the man's
incredibly, apparently,
ugly daughter, Muckle-Mou'ed Meg.
I know, it's...
What sort of a court was this?
And William Scott said,
"I think I'll be hanged."
LAUGHTER
But at the very last minute he
changed his mind and he married her.
And they had a very happy marriage.
And because of it,
they had Walter Scott as a...
Even Robert Browning wrote
a poem on it, because they all
worshipped Walter Scott
in a way that we don't any more.
Jane Austen venerated him,
particularly the European writers,
Balzac and others venerated him.
Yes, William Scott said, "I do,"
to Muckle-Mouthed Meg.
And it's a good thing he did,
or we wouldn't have Sir Walter.
But who advised dissecting
a woman before marrying one?
I think my husband said
something similar,
when we were a bit pissed one night.
Some great, one of the Victorian...
He was a great,
and he was 19th century.
Oddly enough,
I've mentioned his name today.
He was a great writer.
Walter Scott. No.
Balzac. Honore de Balzac.
Pliny. Honore de Balzac is
the right answer.
I just said Balzac! I said Balzac!
No, he did just say that. He did.
You didn't say the first name!
All right, calm down. There he is.
There he is, I'd know him anywhere!
Did his fiancee hang herself?
Bless him. Well, his fiancee
stayed his fiancee
for a very, very long time.
He fell in love with a countess,
who said, "You can't marry me
"until my husband dies,"
because she was already married.
And it took 17 years.
Eventually they got married.
Five months later, Balzac died.
So, he didn't get much use
out of her,
if that's the right word.
I don't think it is. No.
He wrote a book in 1829 called
The Physiology Of Marriage,
in which he said, "A man ought not
to marry without having
"studied anatomy
and dissected at least one woman."
So, I mean a dead woman, he's not...
Oh, that's such a creepy suggestion.
It is a bit creepy.
I guess it's so he knows what's...
the bits, where they all go.
And where everything is. Really?
No, I hand my mother
a cup of tea without knowing
the workings of her hand.
That's a very good point.
It's not very romantic, is it? No.
"Darling..." Well, I don't want it
to be, she's my mother.
LAUGHTER
There's a lot worse coming,
which I'm not going to read you,
because you'll never read Balzac
again. Ooh, great. Oh, please.
He said that
"A man should weaken the will
"and strength of a wife by tiring her
out under the load of constant work,
"so that she has no energy left
to cause trouble."
He deserved a big spank, didn't he?
He was an early founder of Ukip.
LAUGHTER
And, very weirdly, he said, "Never
allow her to drink water alone.
"If you do, you are lost."
I mean, it's interesting,
within a few sentences,
he is clearly just a
fucking nutter, isn't he?
Yeah. He's having a laugh, surely.
I'd find him hard to forgive
if he wasn't such a looker.
LAUGHTER
Do you know the Rodin sculpture
of him, which is fantastic?
It's one of the great works of art.
I've rubbed against it.
Have you? No!
LAUGHTER
Balzac drank 50 cups of coffee a day.
I don't know if that excuses him.
There's a cup of coffee, in case
you didn't know what one looked like.
He drank 50 cups of coffee a day?
Yeah, and when he found that didn't
quite hit the spot,
he then took to eating the grounds,
coffee grounds. It was really weird.
Well, I'm amazed he was
as coherent as he was.
If I drank 50 cups of coffee I'd be
jumping off buildings. Incredible.
Well, Beethoven always counted out
exactly 60 coffee beans
for every cup he drank.
Kierkegaard, on the other hand,
the philosopher,
had 50 different coffee cups.
Whenever he wanted a cup of coffee -
I really want to kill him so much -
he instructed his secretary
to select one of these cups
and provide a valid philosophical
reason for doing so.
He sounds like a right knob.
"Invalid. Invalid reason."
"No, no." "Take it away."
Anyway, Balzac thought that you
should dissect a woman before
marrying one.
What do monkeys spend their
money on?
It depends on the monkey,
doesn't it?
Your macaque will spend it
on cigarettes and drink.
Your mandrill, DIY.
LAUGHTER
Clever!
Very good. Man-drill.
Surely the macaque would spend
it on lavatory paper. Of course!
Oh, we're going that way, are we?
Oh, OK. I see.
Food, I bet this...
Is this going to be some sort of
experiment where they got rewarded
with something and they had to take
it somewhere to get something else?
Like sort of a monkey thing?
Well, they actually were taught...
they were taught the principles
of money, monetary exchange.
They were given silver discs
and taught that they could
exchange them for food.
These are capuchins.
So called because of their colours,
the creamy top...
They really do look at a camera
lens, monkeys. Those do, yeah.
You see those shots of loads of
monkeys all staring at
a camera lens. Yeah.
If you've noticed, there's one of
them who's not looking
at the camera lens.
LAUGHTER
Quite notably, yes.
Unless that monkey has had a very
unfortunate accident with a camera.
Or he's looking for a game
of anal hoopla.
Why are capuchins called capuchins?
Isn't it something to do with...
Cappuccino.
Cappuccino?
Because they're coffee-coloured?
Because they are the same
colour as cappuccino,
cream colour at the top,
dark at the bottom.
But that's why... Monks.
That's right,
it starts with the monks.
APPLAUSE
What is going on today?
Something's gone wrong with me,
I tell you, because normally...
Capuchin monks have a cream-coloured
cowl and dark habit.
And so the coffee was named
cappuccino,
because it was creamy at the top
and coffee below. Oh!
And similarly, capuchin monkeys
have that colouring.
It's impossible to take your eyes
off that one, I want to.
I just imagine what's
going on in his head.
It is so severely inspecting,
isn't he?
"Mate, you've got a problem back
here, seriously."
"Something's just
crawled into your arse."
LAUGHTER
Researchers at Yale taught capuchin
monkeys that in exchange
for a certain number of tokens,
they could buy a certain number
of grapes or little cubes of jelly.
Once they grasped this,
the extraordinary thing was,
they really got the whole concept.
One of the monkeys used their new
currency to give to a female
to have sex with him -
essentially a prostitute.
And the female would then take
the disc and buy herself a grape.
So the money had gone, you know,
through the system, as money does.
But there is a separate piece
of research in 2005 which
involved macaques,
that showed that they pay
to look at porn.
It's true. Wow. But the extraordinary
thing is, only classy porn.
Oh, that's all right. Yeah.
They forfeited their usual reward,
which was a glass of cherry juice,
for pictures of the faces and bottoms
of what are known as high-ranking
females within the troop of macaques.
But they wouldn't look at pictures
of the bottoms and faces of
Iower ranked females unless they
were GIVEN a glass of juice.
So, they would give up their juice
to look at the porn of the higher
ranking ones,
but they had to be paid in juice
to look at the other ones.
It's extraordinary. They're monkeys.
It is not a moral thing.
Again, I know I say this a lot,
but who is funding this?
What kind of twisted...
"Go on, give them money..."
HE LEERS
Anyway, what uses can you think of
for a parachute on your wedding day?
Dress?
Yes! It's that simple.
APPLAUSE
You're running away with it.
Well, normally I'm thick as shit,
I can't really understand
what's going on. Anyway.
It was particularly in World War II,
and parachutes were made out of...?
AUDIENCE: Silk.
BILL: Silk, yes.
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen, exactly.
And any spare, or ones that were
found in fields,
were grabbed by grateful people
to turn into wedding dresses.
There was a village in 1941
where a German soldier
Ianded in his parachute and he...
Didn't have a swastika on it,
did it?
No, no, fortunately not!
Or if it did...
ALAN SINGS THE WEDDING MARCH
"I say, she's got a bloody
swastika!"
LAUGHTER
"I think that's in very bad taste."
Even if they were, it was great,
because that village
turned them into bloomers,
you known, into long knickers.
Oh, that's all right, to have
a swastika on your bloomers, though.
Well, no-one would see. I think it's
positively encouraged, actually.
"There's something you don't
know about me..."
LAUGHTER
But there you see a wedding dress,
and the majority of wedding dresses
were not white until after the war.
White was a more
common colour than any other,
but it still wasn't the majority.
Jane Austen's mother wore a bright
red dress, for example.
And Queen Victoria had a white
wedding dress,
and that was quite a sort of fashion
statement that people copied.
But things didn't get really white
until the age of the washing machine
and things like that.
Right, it was a luxury,
afforded by the rich.
And even in the '50s, people
expected to wear their wedding dress
again, it wasn't a one-off thing,
as it is now.
But I'll tell you an interesting
thing about Queen Victoria.
Yeah? Yeah.
When she died,
towards the end of her life...
LAUGHTER
No, it's gossip and I feel guilty
about telling you. Go on.
She won't find out.
She was wider than she was tall.
Really? So?
APPLAUSE
I wore my wedding dress again,
actually. Did you?
Yeah. I went to a fancy dress
party as Alaska.
Yeah. I went to a fancy dress
party as Alaska.
LAUGHTER
Anyway...
Tell us about...more about old...
She was 59 inches tall,
and she was 66 inches wide.
Wow! Bless her. Really? Yes.
But wide or in circumference? In
circumference. Yeah, I was going to
say. Sorry, not wide.
She can't possibly have been...
No, no. Sorry.
LAUGHTER
That's circumference. Yeah.
I don't mean width, but I mean...
"Here she comes."
All the way round was 66.
"We're going to have to
knock through." Yeah.
Can't get through any of the doors.
And that's how the
Victoria Line was started.
She needs a pew of her own.
The Albert Hall was just
a cast of her body.
This is her bust size,
I'm talking about. 66.
Wow! 66 bust? Yeah. Crikey!
Good Lord!
She was very short.
Oo-hee, there's some lovin' there.
Her bloomers were sold,
quite recently, for over £6,000.
Must have been an enormous
swastika on there.
Almost certainly a swastika.
What do you think their waist was?
Bloomers start at the waist,
they're like pants...
80 inches. Well... XXXL.
Yeah, they were XXX... There were
lots of Xs, 56 inch waist.
56. 56. I'm so sorry. I got it all
wrong. It's 52. 52.
I completely exaggerated.
And she was what, how tall?
4'11".
59 inches.
4'11". Aw. Bless her heart.
A tiny, little Queen. Yes, she was!
So, what uses can you think of
for a half-naked Frenchman
on your wedding night?
If it was the other half, hoopla.
IN FRENCH ACCENT:
There is an half-naked Frenchman.
That is Gerard Depardieu.
He is about three times that size
now, he is enormous.
He's gone all Victoria, hasn't he?
He is a little bit tubbier than
that now, it must be said.
It is not actually
a question about Depardieu,
it is a question about an
half-naked Frenchman.
So, what are we talking about?
Would you use him to give you a bit
of a run out, first, as it were?
Practice?
We're going back in this case to the
16th century, and we're thinking
about how a marriage can be shown to
work, especially in royal circles.
Le droit du seigneur? No, it's
not that, that's one thing, but...
Not the old blood on the sheet
routine?
Well, the blood on the sheet
demonstrates what?
Consummation. Consummation.
And without consummation,
a marriage
is considered invalid, ultimately.
Without consomme...
Yeah, without consomme.
So, if the man has not done his duty
by the woman... Done the biz.
Henry VIII again.
Well, exactly, and precisely, we are
talking about Henry VIII's family.
But it doesn't have to be
on the first night, does it?
It doesn't have to be
the first night,
but the first night gets it
all out of the way. Fair dos.
So, we are in royal circles here.
You mentioned Henry VIII,
and we're actually in the world
of Henry VIII's sister.
She was a Tudor, and her name
was Mary,
but she is not to be confused with
Mary Tudor who was Henry's daughter,
or Bloody Mary,
as she was also known.
There she is.
She married Louis XI I of France.
Louis XI I had better things
to do on the wedding night,
so Mary went into the bedroom,
she took off her clothes,
and the Duc de Longueville pulled
off his hose and his doublet
and he laid a bare leg and thigh
on the bed till it touched hers
under the covers.
HE YELPS
All the people there - there was
a crowd - applauded.
HE APPLAUDS
And that was consummation. Even
though it wasn't even the husband.
That's how mad the period was.
He was proxy. Ah, I see.
So that was a gig, then?
You could get that as a gig,
to touch legs?
Being the proxy? Yeah. The leg
toucher. Leg toucher to royal brides.
Yeah. You'd be in the taverns,
"Yeah, I'm leg toucher to the
Royals, yeah".
"I've touched them all, you know."
"Touched them all."
I think they had to check them
medically before they were
allowed to do it, though, to make
sure they didn't have any
venereal disease,
cos they didn't want a poxy proxy.
APPLAUSE
Thank you.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Like after a walk on a windswept
cliff,
but there was a beautiful cake at
the end of it.
Yes, Mary Tudor got a bit of a leg
over, but it wasn't her husband's.
Now it's time to enrol in the
dreaded school of General Ignorance.
Describe the sex chromosomes
of the Queen.
Xs and Ys. Ys. Two Ys?
Erm... An X and a Y.
TOAD CROAKS
One doesn't have chromosomes.
One has a chromosome proxy,
you know.
Well, you've just given me very
seriously male chromosomes. Right.
I was having a go, though,
wasn't I? I was trying. You were.
I'm under pressure up here.
You've actually done rather well.
Have I? Yeah.
Generally speaking, human beings have
how many pairs of chromosomes?
One? Two? We have 23, which is
not as many as a potato.
We have 23 pairs, and one of those
pairs determines our sex, gender.
And if you are a female you're...
XX. XX.
And if you're male... XY. XY.
And there are variations...
I thought it was YY.
..but generally speaking,
we've got the Y.
If you've got YY, what are you,
then?
Boy George.
LAUGHTER
But the Queen has given birth to
males. And does that change you?
There is a little bit of two-way
going on in the womb,
up and down the placenta, as it were,
and that is that if you have a male
child inside you, it has XY
chromosomes, of course, and a little
bit of that XY chromosome will lodge
inside the mother and stay there.
A 93-year-old woman recently
was found to have the XY
chromosome in her head from a male
child she had had decades ago.
Oh! So the Queen will have, having
had three male children, namely...
Er...
She's had Charles, Andrew
and Edward. That's right, very good.
Lucky, Lucky and Lucky.
And somewhere there will be
remnants of the XY chromosomes.
Makes you more likely
to like football.
Prince Philip was in a school,
children were showing him,
saying if you inspect the genes
you can tell the gender,
and Prince Philip said,
"Can't you just pull them down?"
Ah, bless him. Here's a card,
isn't he?
Totally. Here is an easy one.
How many legally recognised political
parties are there in China?
MONKEY CHATTERS
Yes, Greg? One.
KLAXON BLARES
Oh, dear. No, it's not one. None.
Ah, you see, you've played
this game a lot.
You think you can... No.
LAUGHTER
Two.
KLAXON BLARES
We could have fun here, couldn't we?
There are actually eight
other parties other than
the Communist Party.
Isn't that extraordinary?
They are a multiparty state.
There they all are.
Day release from prison.
So, what is the maximum number
of children allowed in
every family in China?
Oh... Ah... Ah!
Hold on. Who is going to go?
Do it, do it!
TOAD CROAKS
Have a plump. One.
KLAXON BLARES
They had a policy.
They did have a policy.
But it was never all
the people of China,
all the families of China
who were affected.
For example, if you were an ethnic
minority it didn't apply to you.
Ethnic minority meant anyone
who wasn't Han Chinese.
36% of the population were subject
to a one child rule,
but never the whole of China.
The average number of children
a Chinese woman bears is 1.4.
That's weird, isn't it?
HE CHUCKLES
What do you think it is in Britain?
I thought it was 2.4 children?
1.7. 1.8.
1.9. 1.9. You were nearly there.
And I'd be very impressed
if you knew the country in the world
with the highest birth rate.
This country is in anagram of what
Queen Elizabeth does.
Niger. Yes!
Wow! Very quick.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Did he just ask you what
she had for breakfast? Yes.
Because I want to know what
combination of things
she's had that make her brain
work so well today.
Yes, the Queen reigns, and it is
Niger. "Niger". Seven is the average.
Good Lord.
Quite a burden for a woman in Niger.
Now, name a monogamous bird?
Me.
LAUGHTER
Swan.
KLAXON BLARES
Sorry, we just had to get you there.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Penguin.
Penguin. Penguin from the audience.
Oh, does the audience want one?
KLAXON BLARES
APPLAUSE
That's what happens...
We've got a dumb audience.
Yeah, you see. Not so clever now!
LAUGHTER
ANOTHER MAN: Magpie.
No, it's a nun, it's a nun.
APPLAUSE
Almost no birds are monogamous,
even ones that are thought of as
monogamous are not truly monogamous.
They misbehave. They cheat.
I mean, the only one we've come up
with is the black vulture.
Where you do genetic tests...
Nobody... Nobody will have him. No.
Ugh!
A proud, handsome fellow.
Or girl. He is monogamous?
He is, yeah. Not by choice. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
No infidelity is
found by DNA testing,
whereas in almost all
the other birds...
Ducks are... They're dirty sods,
aren't they?
Swans have also...black swans in
particular - one in six cygnets is
the result of extra-pair copulation,
what we would call extra-marital.
Yes. Despite the love hearts
and the beautiful romantic
shape that they make.
Other orders or classes of animal
that are genuinely monogamous,
apart from black vultures, are the
flatworm Diplozoon paradoxum.
When a male meets a female,
they actually fuse together,
so they don't really have any
choice in the matter.
So they remain faithful till death.
And voles.
That's very sweet. Look at that.
Aw!
How can you not love a vole?
Everything eats them as well,
it's such a shame for them. Yeah.
Owls in particular. Yeah. An owl can
hear the heartbeat of a vole or...
Or a shrew...or something, from,
when it's four feet underground,
when it's flying overhead.
I know, it's amazing.
And they've got their concave face,
the owls,
it's like an echo chamber, and they
can hear the heartbeat underground.
Isn't that amazing?
They say they can, anyway. Yeah.
"Yes, I heard it underground. Hmm."
I was like that
when I had my ears waxed
and it was like that, you know,
coming out of the surgery.
"Oh, my God, I can hear a vole
four miles away!"
I saw an owl flying for the first
time in my life this year.
And they make no noise at all,
do they? No.
And apparently they're really thick.
Are they?
They're not as wise as people have
been going on about, are they?
No, apparently not.
Barn owls are really stupid, they
don't even know where they live.
They have to have the habitat
built into the name.
"Where do I live?
Barn, barn! That's it. Oh, yes."
LAUGHTER
Well, voles are monogamous
and charming
and indeed their names
are an anagram of?
Love. Yes. Isn't that nice?
Well, many supposedly monogamous
birds have a little tit on the side.
Who can marry you at sea?
The captain of the ship.
KLAXON BLARES
A vicar who happened to
be on the ship.
Ship's entertainer?
No. No, I don't think so.
That would be great, wouldn't it?
"Des O'Connor's marrying you."
The thing is, a ship's captain
can't, and never has been able to.
It's a total myth. Oh.
Where's that come from, then?
Why do I know that to be true?
It seems to come from films,
you know, all kinds of things.
The Amorous Adventures
of Moll Flanders, it happens.
Look, Bill, there's your pipe
character made flesh. Oh, yes.
Oh, yes. It is, yeah.
Look at that moustache.
"Good God!
"I can't marry you, but I'm going to
have a bloody good go."
LAUGHTER
"The things I can do with this
moustache,
"you wouldn't believe, madam."
"Extraordinary."
"Ooh, oooh!"
"You can actually play hoopla
with this moustache."
"And once I bring the pipe
into play...
"..you'll be begging for mercy."
"Ooh, ho-ah!"
The only country we could find
where it is true that the captain
can marry is Japan. Japan. Yeah.
But the couple has to be
Japanese, as well.
The captain can if the couple
is Japanese. All right.
He's punching above his weight,
that fella, isn't he? Blimey.
Aren't they the ones that
were in McDonald's earlier?
I think they do look like it,
we may have just put
the different backdrop on.
I think you have. The horrible
truth. I think it's right, yeah.
A ship's captain is no more
qualified to marry you than I am.
So, to the scores. Oh, my actual.
Well, in first place,
the blindingly, anagrammatically,
factually gifted Jo Brand
with seven points!
APPLAUSE
Well done, Jo.
Plus 7, that's a rare plus.
In second place, what a debut,
with minus 4, it's Greg.
Well done, Greg Davies.
APPLAUSE
In third place, with a mighty
minus 13, is Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE
But never knowingly out-hopelessed,
with minus 32, is Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
It only remains for me
to thank Greg, Bill, Jo and Alan.
And I leave you with this wise old
adage off a bumper sticker.
"Marriage is like a hurricane,
"it starts with all that
sucking and blowing,
"and, in the end,
you lose your house."
Goodnight.
Who is this dangerous renegade,
this maverick,