QI (2003–…): Season 13, Episode 4 - Miscellany - full transcript

Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,

good evening, good evening,
good evening and welcome to QI,

where, tonight, we'll be taking in
a magnificent miscellany

of things beginning with M.

Please welcome
the mundivagant Rhod Gilbert.

APPLAUSE

The marmoraceous Noel Fielding.

APPLAUSE

A woman of great muliebrity,
Cariad Lloyd.

APPLAUSE

And macerating in the corner,
Alan Davies.



APPLAUSE

Their buzzers are...
ALAN MUMBLES

What did you say? I haven't
understood any of the words so far.

Well, macerating, what do
you think that means?

I don't know. Something you would do
in a garden, I'd have thought.

No, that's masturbating. Oh, yes.

You clearly have a much more
private garden than I've got.

Macerating is steeping in liquid
to thin out.

You do it to grapes
to make wine, you macerate.

Oh! So what was mul... Multi...
Muliebrity? Muliebrity.

It means womanliness,
wifely womanliness.

CARIAD: Oh, nice(!)

Oh, like "mujer" in Spanish.

Exactly. Muller Yogurts.



Women eat those.

You are a linguist, aren't you?
You studied languages, didn't you?

Yeah, I did study language.

It sounds like the word I gave you
was rather appropriate,

if you speak languages, because it
sounds as though you're mundivagant,

which is what I called you.
One who wanders the world.

There you are, a world wanderer.
HIGH-PITCHED: That's you!

Oh, that came out oddly.

And I think you were marmoraceous.
Marmoraceous? Noel was marmoraceous.

Wow. Sounds good. Sounds like
a delicious marmalade.

It's called that because a chicken
one day laid an orange. An orange?

Yeah, and all the chicks said,
"Look at the orange mama-laid."

And that's how it got its name.
ALAN GROANS

That was just dreadful.
QI will be replaced in the autumn.

Is it breasty?

No, marmoreal is of marble
and marmoraceous is marble-like.

Right. Marble-like.

Marble isn't really a compliment,
though, is it?

"Oh, I love that Noel Fielding,
he's like marble." I'm like a...

I'm like a bag of marbles.
"He's such a character!

"He's such a character, he is!"
What are you, a world wanderer?

You're a womble and I was a marble.

Not sure I'm happy with that.

Womanly is surely
a compliment for anybody?

I'd be complimented
with being called womanly.

In fact, I often am
because of my breasts.

But on with the buzzers.

They're, frankly, a miscellany
of musical mischief.

Cariad goes...

DRUMROLL

Noel goes...
DRUMROLL

SWING BEAT

Rhod goes...
DRUMROLL

MUSIC: God Save The Queen

And Alan goes...
DRUMROLL

GUILLOTINE BLADE SWOOSHES

CHEERING

Now, then, what was the matter

with the Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy
children's chemistry set?

LAUGHTER

Did it have uranium in it
or something?

LAUGHTER
It sure did.

LAUGHTER

That's what... Kids glowing green.

That's what U-238 is.
Yeah, absolutely.

It contained uranium

and other sources of alpha,
beta and gamma radiation,

including good, healthy polonium...

LAUGHTER
..which was in there.

Yeah. And it included
a Geiger counter

and instructions on
how to mine for uranium and...

LAUGHTER
Wow.

This is the start
of the Iranian weapons programme.

LAUGHTER
Yes, exactly. "We have the kit."

The packaging said it was
completely safe and harmless.

It was sold in 1951, 1952,
for $49.50,

which is about ?300 now. Whoa.

So, it was pricey. It was.

If you wanted your polonium
even then, it'd cost you.

And that's why
they stopped making it.

Cos it was too expensive?

Yeah, the margins
were not good enough

for them to make
much of a profit on it.

As you see, it says along the top,

"Another Gilbert Hall of Science
product" and the...

It also says exciting and safe.
That's right. Absolutely.

I'm not sure
those two things go together.

LAUGHTER
They don't, do they?

My friend in science dared me to eat
some iron filings and I did it.

I got in a lot of trouble...

Cos my teacher was a magnet.
No, but...

I had to go... Could you then draw a
beard?

Could you, like, move it around?

I had to go and see the head science
teacher and stand in front

of the whole class and explain
I'd eaten iron filings.

And for about two years, I was
the boy that ate iron filings.

That's a Channel 4 documentary,
isn't it?

That's fantastic.

Was it uncomfortable
when it came out?

Well, we had to drink
a weird solution

and then I didn't notice
when it came out.

Oh, did it dissolve them
like acid or something?

I was hoping that I would, you know,
maybe have some sort of,

you know, strontium turd come out.

Well, the guy responsible
was called Alfred Carlton Gilbert

and he came up with
a number of sets for children.

I mean, there was a chemistry set
which contained ammonium nitrate,

which is the principle ingredient
for fertiliser bombs.

LAUGHTER
He liked the good stuff, didn't he?

Yeah, he liked, exactly,
the good stuff.

Agent Orange.
LAUGHTER

The first experiment in that kit

was to make gunpowder.
LAUGHTER

He just didn't like children,
did he?

LAUGHTER
His most famous invention

is huge in America.

It's the American equivalent
of Meccano,

which is called Erector.
Erector set. And there it is.

LAUGHTER

Are there giggles from our audience
because it contains the word erect?

LAUGHTER
Well, there you are.

They're still all smiling now.
"Ooh, love that word."

I just love the idea

that you can make a Ferris wheel
out of erections.

LAUGHTER

It interconnects with any penis.
LAUGHTER

Simple docking.

GROANING
Oh.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, Stephen.
I was doing the Ferris wheel

as if it were attached to my cock.

I'm so sorry. Fair enough.
LAUGHTER

I'm lowering the tone again.
I accept that.

But it was all part
of that time - 1950s -

this incredible worship
of the nuclear bomb.

And it even got to the stage
where you could get a cereal toy,

which was an atomic bomb ring,
celebrating The Lone Ranger series.

There it is.
There's the atomic bomb inside a ring

and it contains polonium alpha,

so it gives off
brilliant flashes of light

as part of nuclear disintegration,

so that your little boy
and your little girl

each have one from the cereal packet
and they flash.

But it's weird that this
was for The Lone Ranger,

which you may remember was a
Western set in the 19th century.

Yeah, it's a cowboy. Yeah.

But somehow, he had the atom bomb
in what's a very complicated story.

LAUGHTER
He had an atomic bomb in his ring?

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Wait. Wait.

That's one of my favourite
ever sentences on this show.

LAUGHTER
And that's when he was running

the Erector amusement park.

"I've got an A-bomb in my ring."
LAUGHTER

You sounded like
Jeremy Clarkson then.

LAUGHTER

Jeremy would love
an A-bomb in his ring.

A cowboy with an A-bomb in his ring.

So, he's got an A-bomb in his ring
and then decades later,

James Bond comes along
and all his watch does

is fire a dart into a mouse
or something, isn't it?

It gives you a dead leg.
I've basically got

The Lone Ranger's costume on
tonight. You have!

LAUGHTER
Have you got an A-bomb in your ring?

I have, yeah.

At the end of the show,
I'll let that off...

But this is rather...

..like a small firework display.

We'll all gather round
to see the lights.

This is not like,
"Oh, we found this obscure present

"in some cereal packs
for a four-month period."

Over a million of these were made.
Really? God.

It was a big promotion.

There was a boy
as late as the '90s - '94 -

who tried to construct
a nuclear reactor

in his mother's shed
in his garden in Michigan.

He was the Nuclear Boy Scout.

There are his badges,
including, top left,

he's holding up the nuclear badge.

I didn't know Scouts had one,
but they seem to. Wow.

He can't even fix a blind.

LAUGHTER

They called him
the Radioactive Boy Scout

and when I said he was trying
to construct a nuclear reactor,

I mean it. He was trying
to construct a nuclear reactor.

His safety included
wearing a lead poncho.

Where do you find a lead poncho?

LAUGHTER
Noel's got one. Noel's got one.

Yes, you have one. Yes!
You must have a lead poncho.

You're the only person
who would have a lead poncho.

I keep it next to my strontium turd.

LAUGHTER
He's not going to make a nuclear...

He's got an arrow to show
which way up his top goes on.

LAUGHTER
There is that.

And he threw away his clothes
after each session

that he was in his mother's shed.

He was in the middle
of purifying thorium

when he was rumbled
by the authorities. Wow.

And his shed was found to be
1,000 times more radioactive

than background radiation
and was buried in the desert.

LAUGHTER
It was!

How did they take his shed
to the desert?

That's amazing.
Must have been a chopper. Yeah.

"We're going to have to take
the birdbath as well. This is..."

LAUGHTER

"This washing line -
that's right out, mate."

"And the trellis.
The trellis has got to go."

"Dad's barbecue - gone, mate. Gone."
LAUGHTER

So, if you want to really light up
your children's faces,

you could get them
a radioactive chemistry lab.

Which place, beginning with M,
holds the world's deadest parties?

Milton Keynes.

LAUGHTER
Milton Keynes? Oh, dear.

Michael Gove's underpants.
LAUGHTER

Maidstone.
KLAXON

Oh! How amazing.

You got Maidstone.
Thank you for that.

Well, no, it's an island -
one of the largest islands on Earth.

Oh, erm... Madagascar.
Madagascar. Madagascar.

The Malagasy people.
The Malgache people.

Yeah, every few years,
they dig up their ancestors

and have a party and dance
with them over their heads.

LAUGHTER
Yeah, I know.

Not as weird as a radioactive
chemistry kit. No, it isn't.

They dig them up.

They dress them in silk...
"Hello, Grandad!"

Dress them in silk scarves. Yeah.

It's what we do in Camden.
LAUGHTER

They also spray their
ancestors' bodies with perfume,

perhaps understandably...
LAUGHTER

..and they bathe them
in sparkling wine.

After the dance, the corpses
are placed on the ground like that.

See, there are the corpses
in winding sheets and so on.

Oh, too weird. Too weird. Yeah.
And the elders tell their children

about the significance
of their relatives.

But they also tell the dead ancestors

about the children that have
been born since the ancestors died.

So, they have a sort of
two-way communication, as it were,

about their families.

They should have booked
a bigger hall.

Yeah. Well, yes,
it's full and bouncy.

It's amazing. That's amazing.

We don't talk about death enough,
just to bring up in a comedy show.

I am NOT getting my grandma out...

LAUGHTER
..in a potato sack.

RHOD: I know what you mean.

We hide away from it here.
I'm with you, Cariad.

We don't talk about it at all.
Other cultures are much more open.

I don't. I'm a Goth.
I'm all over it.

LAUGHTER
I sleep in a coffin.

No, you're right, we do.

We don't like to talk about it,
but they celebrate it.

They do. It's rather wonderful.

Do they drink at the party?
You must have to. I think so.

Do they sometimes get home
and think, "Oh, shit,

"I've left Grandma somewhere"?

LAUGHTER
On the bus!

LAUGHTER

Supposedly, they do it
because they've had a dream

in which an ancestor's visited them

and told them
they're cold in their grave

and that they want to come up.

This ceremony,
it's called a Famadihana,

and the whole taboo and folklore
system of Madagascar is called fady

and it's very strong.

It's much stronger than it is
in many other countries

and despite all the pressures
on Madagascar,

as they are on all countries.
It seems a bit grim,

but I think it's fine.
Quite nice, I think. I like it.

Two things they're known for -
that and square guitars.

LAUGHTER
Yes. Yeah, it does.

Well, there you are.

Now, from morbidity to meals.

How could you get out of prison
using nothing but a decent lunch?

Visit the... You know, you get
a last meal, don't you,

if you're going to get
the electric chair? Yeah.

Is it, they do a competition, if you
name the right meal, you get...

If it's vegetarian lasagne,
you're free.

No.

If someone said lasagne
and they were like,

"Are you sure you want BEEF lasagne?
Not vegetarian?"

The prisoner doesn't have the lunch.
Oh, the governor has a good lunch.

It's not the governor.

And he just feels like, "Oh,
let them all go, I feel great!"

It's not someone inside the prison,

it's someone who might have the power
to get you out of prison.

A magistrate type... Yeah,
the parole board. Mao Tse-tung!

It's the parole board. Oh. Not
Mao Tse-tung! That was a wild guess.

Wouldn't that have been amazing
if you'd been right?

That's some judges.
But this is actually...

The experiment was done...
They're so pleased with themselves.

"Your hair looks ridiculous."
"I know!"

Same hairdresser.

They're actually meeting up to say,
"Listen, Bill's a good hairdresser,

"but he can only really do
the spaniel way, we've got to get
someone else."

It was a study that was done on
the Israeli parole board, actually.

At the start of each day,

judges granted about two thirds
of applications for parole.

As time went on, they approved
fewer and fewer and fewer,

until just before lunch,
they approved virtually none.

Then they had lunch and then
they were incredibly generous again

and gave everybody parole. Wow!

So the process was in fact completely
impartial, it was nothing to do

with the ethnicity or even
the severity of the crime.

It just seemed to be generally
repeated day after day after day,

it was to do with how hungry they
were, yeah.

CARIAD: I can understand that.

So if you're in court, what should
you do, then? What's the best...

You would do all in your power for
your case to be heard after lunch,

straight after. After lunch.

So if I say I can't make it in
the morning, for example... Yeah.

But if you're in prison... I'd have
thought it'd be the opposite.

When you're coming to lunch,
you're just getting hungry,

"Let them off, let them off,
quick, let's just get the lunch."

But you're grumpy, aren't you?
So you're more like, "Oh, no."

"Execution, execution, execution!

"When are those fish fingers
getting here? Execution!"

Maybe they should just have
snacks...

you know, little bowls of nuts.
Just keep them going.

Yeah, that would do it.
Some pretzels.

Probably not a good sign
if you're in the dock

and then someone's
looking at the menu.

"Yeah, what is it?

"I'll have the banoffee.
Yeah, yeah, get rid of this guy."

Just take a Kit Kat with you
and say, "Before you sentence me,

"would you like a Kit Kat?"

"You can go!"

Well, one of the really annoying...
"I feel marvellous!"

It's annoying for someone like me,
not for any of you,

is that willpower, it seems,
is driven by glucose,

that your willpower is stronger

if your blood sugar is registering
good levels of glucose.

So if, like me, you're fighting
constantly not to be a fat bastard...

..then you need the
willpower not to eat.

But you get the willpower by eating
lots of sugar. Oh, my God.

So you're in a terrible catch-22.
It's like, "Oh, I can't, oh, no.

"Tell you what, I'll have lots
of sugar, then I'll be able

"to not eat... Oh!
That doesn't work."

It is easier to not eat a cake
after you've eaten a cake.

"I'm not eating any more cakes!
That's it for me!"

Oh, dear.
I'm like that with drinking.

"This is definitely my last time."

The trouble is, plates are too big.

If plates were smaller,
people would eat less.

And when you fill them up,
you're too full.

So you should just have
smaller plates.

But then you should make everything
smaller. We should try that.

The Alan Davies small plate diet.
Smaller plates.

Small plates,
but keep them in the distance.

Long spoons and binoculars!

Takes so long, you get bored.

I'm just going to eat one of
those tiny Brussels sprouts.

All right, so.

Now for a serious medical malady.

Show me the symptoms
of bicycle face.

Bicycle face? Mm-hm.
LAUGHTER

That's with goggles.
No, these are wheels. Oh, they're...

Oh, I see. Sorry.
Of course they're wheels!

Is bicycle...? What is bicycle face?

When you get sucked off
by your Grifter?

LAUGHTER
Wow!

LAUGHTER
Sorry. I'd better go.

No, that's the right answer!

That's what I've got written
on the card.

LAUGHTER
That's amazing!

On my card in THIS universe,
on the other hand...

LAUGHTER
..I've got something else.

The Literary Digest, in 1895,
warned women cyclists...

I don't know why I'm looking at you.
I'm a woman. You are. That's OK.

You've identified me as a woman.

It's going to get worse, I'm afraid.
OK. This thing is.

"Overexertion,
the upright position on the wheel

"and the unconscious effort
to maintain one's balance

"produces a wearied
and exhausted bicycle face.

"The main symptoms..."
No-one will marry you! Yes.

"The main symptoms are a hard,
clenched jaw and bulging eyes..."

I wasn't sure where you were going
to stop at. Yeah, quite.

"..as well as being flushed or pale."

Either of those. I... Yeah.

And, "Wearing a haggard,
anxious expression."

That's just the fear of patriarchy.
LAUGHTER

"I'm under so much pressure."
Well, there was a worry.

Some doctors said that,

"Cycling would irritate
the pelvic organs

"and stimulate women
to disturbing lusts."

LAUGHTER
If you can't get it at home,

you get it on a bike,
right, ladies? Yeah.

Get your stimulated pelvic organs.

Well, there's a downside,
according to a French expert...

Of course. ..who said,
"It would ruin the female organs

"of matrimonial necessity."

LAUGHTER

Now, Cariad, tell me, your organs
of matrimonial necessity...

Excuse me? What are you asking me?

I'm just hoping that they haven't
been ruined by bicycling.

"Hello, Wembley! We're the
Female Organs Of Natural Necessity."

It's funny cos the clitoris...
HE INHALES SHARPLY

LAUGHTER

La-la-la, la-la-la.
Shall we draw a picture?

LAUGHTER
She said it! She said it!

She said it!
SHE IMITATES ALARM

I've drawn a rainbow, everyone.

It's all right.
LAUGHTER

Where's Sue Perkins
when you need her?

The clitoris is actually
a very large organ...

Shush, Cariad!
LAUGHTER

And it's just literally
the tip of an iceberg.

When you say,
"LITERALLY the tip of an iceberg..."?

Yeah. I knew I was looking
for it in the wrong place.

LAUGHTER

There was an artist in New York...
In the Arctic Ocean.

Yeah. An artist in New York.

She made, like, this -
obviously not to scale - clitoris

and she got women to ride on it,
but it literally...it's huge.

It's, like, there's this bit

and then there's these two other
huge bits that are in the body.

I was looking behind you. Yeah.

LAUGHTER
Behind just here.

Wow. It's giant. It's way bigger...
But you have two, don't you?

It's one under each arm, yes?

LAUGHTER
Have I got this wrong?

Alan, help me out. It's OK.

I didn't bring mine with me today.
LAUGHTER

So, to say it damages
the vital organs is...

So, how much more of it
is there, then? Going...?

Oh, my God.
Guys, do we have to, like...?

Is this the bit where I tell you
about...explain it to you?

A woman at some point in your life

should have explained this to you,
but perhaps...

I've never seen such fear
in all your faces.

LAUGHTER

Do you think people will believe it
if I say that my penis

is only the tip of the iceberg?
LAUGHTER

There's a lot more under the surface

you haven't seen.
LAUGHTER

There's a huge nerve ending

coming out
right out of the top of my head.

LAUGHTER

Well, whatever it may or may not
do to the organs of female

matrimonial necessity, bicycling did
cause a lot of men to get

rather angry and concerned about
the fact that women were doing it.

Do you know for what reason?

Cos they were afraid.
They were allowed to move. Exactly.

If they move, what else are
they going to do? Vote? Think?

Be allowed on panel shows? No, we've
got to stop it! That's dangerous.

There's a man coming home
early from work

and the wife's in bed with
a bicycle.

She's got five gears!

Well, early bikes were designed,
some of them, for women to ride...

Side saddle.

Yes, because the idea of women being
astride was considered rude.

Also, the amount of skirts
they had must have made it quite

hard to literally get on a bike. How
the heck do you pedal side saddle?

The pedals were all at one side,
were they? Yeah, I guess.

She's got a woman underneath
that skirt pedalling for her.

Some poor cockney woman going,
"I'll do it, I'll do it.

"It's an 'ard job, ma'am,
but it's worth it."

Anyway, bicycle face
was a medical condition

that would apparently
only affect lady cyclists.

Now for a bit of mid-show magic.

Would you like to learn
the mysteries of the Magnus effect?

Yes, is the answer, yes, you would.
Thank you. Yes, I would.

What is the Magnus effect?
Well, it's about spin.

It's about how spin...
This could work very badly.

I'm not good at this.
Oh, there we are.

Watch out for your organs
of matrimonial necessity.

LAUGHTER

Like that? Yeah, that's it.
No, that's not it.

That'll go into my face.
That's going to hit you, yeah.

Like that? Yeah.

OK, so, the idea is that
this should spin and then...

Whoo!

APPLAUSE

Why don't you have a try?

Behind you I'll show you
an effect of it on a football,

which you may be familiar with -
taking a corner like this.

You'll see the classic bend,
which we're all familiar with now.

David Beckham, of course, a master
of it. And it's the same principle.

We couldn't afford to have
a moving image of him.

Yeah, it's all about the pressure
of the air building up

on the opposite sides of the spin
and pushing the ball.

Cariad's ready. OK.

Oh, well guessed, though! Fine.
It was more of a propel. Yep.

APPLAUSE

Rhod? I can...
Come on, Rhod. Oh, that was good.

APPLAUSE

Alan's got a bicycle-faced look.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that was not bad.

APPLAUSE

Noel, go on, show them how it's done.

Oh, yes! That's the effect.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's the effect there, Noel,
what you did there.

You see, it went up like that.
It was the pressure,

because the spin creates that
and the air pushes it up.

That's how I'm getting home tonight.
Yeah?

So, I'll show you another
version of it

using those two cups stuck together.

Excellent. You see, it jumps up
like that and then goes down.

Noel's was pretty good.
There you are. Well done.

Now, how would this bird
make an offer you couldn't refuse?

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah, that bird.
He does your tax returns.

LAUGHTER

It's called a brown-headed cowbird,
rather unimaginatively.

It's got a brown head
and it's on a cow.

I just don't want to know
how it got the brown head.

I don't want to think about
how it got the brown head.

Oh, stop it!
LAUGHTER

"That's as far as I can go!"
"All right, stop there."

"Now flap. Now flap your wings!"
"I can't!"

LAUGHTER

You haven't seen the cow's legs.
They're blue.

And we have to forget the cow
in this instance,

other than the fact
that it's in its name.

It is a parasitic bird, in a sense.
A brood parasite.

Do you know what
a brood parasite might be?

What's a brood?
A family of parasites.

If you're broody.
You want to have more parasites.

You want to have...
LAUGHTER

The type of parasite it is
is a brood parasite.

That's to say
it's parasitic in the way

that it occupies
a host's birthing place. Womb.

Not womb in this case cos they don't
have wombs, do they, birds?

Oh, I thought it was in the cow.
Oh, no, no. It's the bird.

It's the bird that's the parasite.
Oh, OK. It's a brood parasite.

It lays its eggs
in someone else's nest.

I'd love if it was the cow
that was the parasite!

LAUGHTER
Living off the bird.

That would be such a flaw
for a parasite -

to have to wait for the bird
to land on you.

LAUGHTER

Running around
getting underneath birds.

LAUGHTER

Painting an H on your own back.

Well, that's...
Put a nest on your back.

With a vacant sign.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's a brood parasite,
it lays its egg like that.

As does, more famously, our...?
Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo, yes.

Cuckoo's the Great British
brood parasite.

That nest wasn't on the back
of that cow, was it?

No. I did say, "Forget the cow,"

but I knew that wasn't going to be
a helpful remark.

I couldn't forget the cow, Stephen.
Yeah, well...

It's a question
of why the birds put up with it.

Why does the one that lays
the blue eggs in this instance

allow that to happen?

Why doesn't it just get
rid of the egg?

Is it...?
The answer is it does...once.

If it tries it, a bird
that's laid that egg will come back

and absolutely destroy the nest
and everything in it.

And the mother bird learns this
and next time it builds...

laboriously builds a new nest,
laboriously lays her own eggs...

Next time a brown-headed cowbird
comes along to lay their egg

they go, "Yeah, you can have it,
I'll look after it, it's no problem."

It's basically a protection racket.
They're gangster birds. Oh, my God.

Hence the phrase, "Make you
an offer you can't refuse." Ohh.

But it works.

So which one...was it the one
with the blue eggs or the other one?

The blue eggs is like the nice guy
who runs the Italian delicatessen

for his family all these years.
Exactly, that's it.

And then the other egg is the guy
who comes round going,

"You're going to look after my egg,
otherwise I'll come round..."

Or, "You'll find a job for my boy,
you'll find him a job." Yeah.

"You see this egg? You know
what I'm going to do to this egg

"if you don't look after
the other egg?"

And then he sma...and then
he throws it out.

Eventually, cos it's evolution,
they'll start spraying

their own blue egg
that brown colour. Yes.

"Hey, someone's already
done me. Leave it."

You're right,
that's quite likely, isn't it?

Why haven't they evolved just to lay
enough eggs so there's no gap?

LAUGHTER
Oh, yeah.

That's what I'd do.

Good point. You'd think they would,
wouldn't you?

Stop leaving a gap!

Anyway, that's brown-headed
cowbirds.

Now, what starts with M
and nearly destroyed the world

470 million years ago?

Magneto.

You try... I can feel us
being led by this image...

Yes. ..in a direction.

You're right, I'm going to warn you,
I'm in a good mood,

do not say meteor or meteorite,
or meteoroid.

Don't say either of those. It looks
like the logo for MasterChef.

Which is branding a pterodactyl.
But...

A m-earthquake.
A m-earthquake.

That's what we hope
happens here every week.

Is it mitochondria?
Is it something like bacterial...

Well, it's a life form,
you're absolutely right.

It's a life form that destroyed
all other life forms,

virtually, on Earth.

It was the Ordovician-Silurian
extinction event.

But it begins with M,
this particular life form. Mouse.

It got rid of all the oxygen...
Sorry? Mouse.

It wasn't a mouse.
You've got the right consonants.

Consonants. All right.
M...m...m...

..m... Muh and a suh.

Muh and a suh. It's wonderful how
he's coming on, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

It's moss. Moss! Moss!
Yes, moss is the answer.

How boring. Wow.
Yeah, hard to believe. Moss.

It was like a phage,
it ate away at rocks...

Right. ..even altering
them chemically.

Hey, Cariad, there's
an iceberg like your clitoris.

LAUGHTER
You're learning!

I mean this, Alan, you can get
more...

If you've just joined the show...

I can usually predict
almost everything

that's going to be said
on this show,

but "There's an iceberg like your
clitoris" is a new one for me.

That's exactly what
I was talking about.

Don't just work
with what you see.

You've got to work with
more underneath it.

Not moss on it, is there?
Yes, mate.

Keep the moss on,
what's wrong with you?

You don't want to look like a child.

LAUGHTER

Wear your moss and be proud, ladies.

Interestingly, you only get moss
on the north side of a lady.

LAUGHTER

That seems fair. Oh, Lord.

It depends how long she's
been at the bus stop.

There's types of moss that
destroy other types of moss,

but it takes, like, sort of,
you know, hundreds of years.

Yeah.
But if you were to watch it,

you would see what is
essentially a horrible war...

There's moss that destroys itself,
like Kate Moss.

LAUGHTER
But...

Now...

Yeah.

Well, this moss used to eat the rocks
and it would create

a chemical reaction with phosphorus,
reacted with CO2,

sucked it from the atmosphere.

So it was a whole series
of these reactions.

And that used up almost
all the oxygen,

destroying life forms everywhere.

It took about 35 million
years for this process to work

and it was 470 million years ago.

We should keep an eye on moss now,
in case it ever... We should, yeah.

..gets an idea again to take over.

I've always had my suspicions
about moss.

Have you?

Bitchin' about lichen.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's the nasty moss that
destroyed everything a long,

long time ago, but there's... How
many species, do you think, of moss?

200. Two. Two? Right, OK. 200?

It's, like, thousands, isn't it?
I'm going to give you the points.

There's 14,000, and the rarest
form of moss in the world -

extremely rare -
and it's in Britain.

It's in Derbyshire.

And it's feather moss.

And it's so rare, Derbyshire feather
moss, that there's only

a single yard of it in a stretch
of river in the Peak District.

What, there's one yard? In the world
or...? In the whole world.

There's one species.
And its location is secret.

Have they at least put a little
fence round it?

The location is secret.

How well guarded it is I don't know,
somebody crosses the river...

They don't want to leave that
to chance. They should put

one of the yellow things
they have in the supermarket up.

What if somebody stands on that?
I know, it's amazing, isn't it?

Absolutely incredible.
There you are. Good old Derbyshire.

Now, from moss to moths.

Why would you want to blow up
a moth's penis?

Really the question should be
why wouldn't you?

You've run out of balloons
at a kids' children's party.

Blow it up like destroy it, or...
Inflate it.

Inflate it, yeah.
..like, with a foot pump?

Using... Flotation device.

It takes a certain kind of person
to invent something

to increase
the size of a moth's penis...

It does. It certainly does.
It really does.

It takes an Australian.

And it takes a device
that they've invented called...

"Get your lips round that, fella."
Yeah.

LAUGHTER
And it's called...

"We're going to have to float
downstream or we'll die."

And it's called the phalloblaster.

The phalloblaster is what pumps
up the penis of a moth...

Come here, little fella,

I'm just going to increase
the size of your penis.

Shouldn't hurt.

Did we...did we answer the why...

Why would we? Yeah, why? Why?

I love the idea that
they blow up the penis,

then let it go and it goes...
HE MIMES DEFLATING BALLOON

LAUGHTER
Well, what it is...

And the moths go,
"Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"

There are a lot of species of insect
that are impossible to determine

the actual species except by
an inspection of the genitalia.

Right. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, some doctor said,
"It's the only way I could find out

"if it was a man,
so I blew it and now I know."

They used to use...

"Because otherwise I wasn't sure.
Leave me alone, Mary..."

I thought moths were just
butterflies from the '70s.

LAUGHTER

Ah-ha.

So, forward, the phalloblaster.

It uses a stream
of pressurised alcohol

to fill and inflate
the insect's penis.

And if anyone knows about pressurised
alcohol, it's an Australian.

I don't think that's a...

"Can we have two streams
of pressurised alcohol, please?"

That's not a scientific experiment,
that's an Australian stag do.

It basically is.

When the alcohol evaporates,
you see, it hardens the tissue

and then you're left with one much
larger, hardened organ that...

This is the sort of thing you should
put in a kit for a teenage boy.

Yeah.

How do they do this?
Because the thing is...

Have we come on to
the why yet, as well?

Do they hold the moth
and then do it?

Because you know when you
hold moths, the gold stuff

comes off their wings
and they can't fly any more

and they have to walk home.

It explains why they're always
trying to get to the moon, no?

Bloody hell.
I'd be out of here, as well.

They've been told there's
spare penises up there...

"I've had enough of this, I'm off."

When you said, "I'm off,"
it sounded like "I...moth."

Like I...
Like a very thoughtful moth.

Yeah. I moth. I moth.
Do take thee, other moth.

I thought he was just talking
Welsh. I-moth. I-moth.

I-moth. Well, it's cowin' lush,
either way. So, um...

LAUGHTER

See, I speak Welsh.

Now, this man invented
toilet vinegar.

What other bright ideas did he have?

Waterproof fish and chips?

LAUGHTER

NOEL: The triple beard.
Yes.

Is it Thomas Edison?
It's not Thomas Edison.

With the light bulb. No...
Bright idea, you see.

You're right, very clever, that was
brilliant. Smarter than we've been.

Is it Jack Torch,
inventor of the torch? No.

Is toilet vinegar something
to do with cleaning?

It's toilet vinegar
in the sense of toilet water.

It's supposed to be... Oh, yeah.

But, in fact, it would work
for cleaning.

But if I told you his name,
you might guess what he invented

which is in a related field.

His name was Rimmel.

Oh, did he invent... Oh, make-up.

Particular kind? The lipstick?
Lipstick.

Not the lipstick, no. The blusher?

Not the blusher. Mascara.

Yes. Oh.
Absolutely right, mascara. Yes.

Why weren't things going off then?

If I'd said things,
it would all have gone off.

LAUGHTER

Finally you've worked
out the pattern...

If you start guessing things,
it goes off!

That's how it works.

It's just that fair.
Just cos she's a girl!

Oh, no! Now then.

Ahh, she's a girl who knew
the right answer.

Ahh, I can't believe it.

There's an urban myth
that mascara contains...?

Have you ever heard of this? Dogs.

It is made of dogs.
The French don't care.

You know what they're like.
They're cruel.

Some people think it's made
of bat guano. Bat droppings.

Oh, my goodness. Bat gua...
It's because it has guanine in it

and guanine is made
from fish scales.

Robin, take that
and make some mascara.

He looks like...

Please.

Be proud of yourself.

Is bat guano poisonous? Batman shit.

LAUGHTER

He was very much a perfume-y
sort of person.

In plays in the Victorian era,
as the curtain went up,

there would be a waft of perfume
for each scene, different perfume,

and he would be credited in
the programme - "Perfume by Rimmel."

Talking of inventors,
you mentioned Edison,

but actually, John Logie Baird,
who's best known for...? Television.

His first invention, which you can
guess what it might be... The chair.

He didn't invent the chair.
Chair first, then the television.

LAUGHTER

It's a perfect suite of inventions.

The remote control,
then the television. TV listings.

TV listings, no.

Anger. Jeremy Kyle,
he invented Jeremy Kyle. Anger?

Television first and then anger.

"It's all shit!"

It was actually nothing to do with
television. Toaster. No.

Was it the hairdryer?

It was a pair of socks that went over
the socks you already wore.

I mean under, sorry, they went under.

You've got your socks
and then under them

you've got these socks
that are impregnated with

borax to keep them dry, so that
the borax absorbs the moisture.

Why did they go under
the other socks?

Why didn't he just have those socks?

Why would they love sockses...sockses
that keep your feet dry?

Cos there's a very damp environment.

Where did you have damp feet
as a bad thing? In the river.

LAUGHTER

In the trenches. In the trenches.
The soldiers loved them.

It was the one thing that kept
morale high. Exactly.

While their friends were being
gassed and blown to pieces,

they'd turn to each other and say,
"Mind you, my feet are dry."

LAUGHTER

"It's this borax, I've heard,
it's wonderful."

"I haven't eaten for a week
and Freddie's bought it,

"but my feet feel marvellous."

It's quite a leap to go from socks
to television. It is, isn't it?

That's why we thought it was
interesting.

And now it's time for us
to leave the maelstrom of miscellany

and move into the murky waters
of general ignorance.

Fingers on mushroomoids.

Who invented the motorway?

Oh...

Mr Way.

LAUGHTER

Is it someone like Diddy David
Hamilton? It's someone well known.

That really was drawn out weirdly!

From where...which bottom drawer
of the mind did he arrive?

I'm talking about which country. Oh!
Which country first had a motorway?

Germany. Not Germany!

KLAXON

A lot of people might have
thought it was Germany

because the Nazis were famous
for the Autobahn. Is it us, then?

Is it the M1? It was actually
America, the first one.

It was called the Long Island
Motor Parkway, or LIMP,

and it was opened in 1908.

They want to invent the...

The thingy barrier quite
quickly as well. Look at that!

No cat's eyes there.

Originally they used to just bury
a cat up to its neck.

The what? The first cat's eyes?

The Victorians...
The ladies were going, "Argh!",

the cats were buried in the ground
and the men were furious.

Then they'd dig them up two years
later and dance around with them.

It's all knitting
and fusing together.

It was greeted on its opening
with the headline

"First of the Motorways is Opened",
so I think it definitely counts.

The first motorway in Europe
wasn't German, either.

It was a toll road between Milan
and the northern Italian lakes.

It was built in 1924.
It was pretty basic, though.

Looks like a river. Yes.

What is the definition of a
motorway, then? Motor traffic only.

It's got a Welcome Break.
Yeah, it's got a Welcome Break.

Is that what it is, motor traffic
only? Is that...? Yeah.

No horses, no bicycles,
pedestrians. Yeah.

The Nazis weren't even responsible
for the first German motorway,

in fact, which was built in 1932.

What did the Nazis ever do for us?

The motorway was invented in America,
or Italy, but not Nazi Germany.

After you die, what's the last bit
of your body to stop beating?

The internal section of the clit...

LAUGHTER

Now, you see... RHOD: The foot.

APPLAUSE

It's known as the foot, Alan,
in mountaineering circles.

The foothills are the clitoris.
NOEL: Oh, is it the shadow?

Excuse me?
LAUGHTER

Officially weird.

APPLAUSE

Did those iron filings ever
have any effect on you?

Well, just imagine if you were
lying in a coffin

and your shadow was going,
"Great, what am I going to do now?

LAUGHTER
"I could be someone else's shadow."

Do you know about the little pulsing,
beating hairs we have in our body?

Oh, in your digestive system?

They're tiny.
We have them all over the body.

In the nose, not the nostril hairs,
they're big,

but the tiny, tiny little...

Like moss.

Like moss. They're called cilia.

What, the little hairs in your nose?
Cilia.

No, not the visible ones. I was
going to say, I feel really guilty,

I machined mine out this morning.

They're like little...

Are they the ones
that collect mucus?

Microscopic little bulrushes there,

and they beat in waves to pass
things backwards and forwards.

You can test
if you put saccharin in your nose...

I know it sounds suspicious...

You trying to get us
into trouble or...?

"No, Officer, I'm trying something...

"It's a QI thing. You put..."

Pulling up in a lay-by on
the A40. "It's saccharin, Officer."

If you just dab saccharin
on your nostrils, right...

Right.

And wait, don't push it up or sniff
it up, or anything like that,

just wait until you can taste it
in the back of the throat.

Right. And that's the action
of the cilia pulling it up.

Like tiny elves
passing to each other.

So, yeah, they studied 100 cadavers,
scientists,

and found that not only did the cilia
keep moving for up to 20 hours,

but the beat of them slowed down
at a consistent pace, regardless

of external factors,
like temperature and so on.

That's so sad. It could help
forensic investigators, though,

work out the time of death.
They kept trying to keep...

"Come on, lads. Keep going,
he might come back."

Why would they continue doing that?

Cos they weren't ready
to let it go...

Let it go, cilia.

They even transport molecules to
the retina's light-sensitive cells.

They're very amazing.
Quite useful, aren't they?

They help propel sperm
and waft eggs through the oviduct.

That's...that's one for you.

LAUGHTER

I have ovaries.

Just in case anyone who watched
the programme didn't know that I had

a clitoris, ovaries and a vulva,
we've discussed mine this evening.

Yeah. Thank you. Shall I get
my rainbow out? Yes, please.

I've got a Ferris wheel on me cock
so don't worry too much.

We're both having a good time.
Everyone relax, everyone relax.

Shall I waft my eggs over
to your Ferris wheel...

Yeah, oh-ho! Oh-ho!

I would say your matrimonial
necessities

have had a damn good airing
this evening. Yeah.

They didn't need it,
they definitely didn't need it.

Well, that brings me
to the matter of the scores,

and how fascinating they are.

Actually, really fantastic
because way out in the lead

with a magnificent plus eight
is Cariad Lloyd.

Ah.
LAUGHTER

I win.

In a superb second place,
with plus four - Noel Fielding.

APPLAUSE

And no disgrace to be on
minus seven - Rhod Gilbert.

Incredible. I'm happy with that...

And pretty good for him,

minus 29 - Alan Davies.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Well, that's all from Cariad,
Rhod, Noel, Alan and me.

And I leave you with this quote
about mystery

from Sir Arthur Eddington,
the great physicist.

"Something unknown is doing
we don't know what." Goodnight.