QI (2003–…): Season 13, Episode 17 - QI VG: Part One - full transcript
Very goooo-oo-ood evening,
good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
and welcome to QI.
Now, a magpie's real name
is a pie. It's a pie.
Then where does the "mag" come from?
Margaret. Yeah, Margaret. Was it?
Yeah. Margaret pie?
Where did that come from?
Margaret pie.
In medieval England,
it was common to give birds
a Christian name, sometimes,
and the ones that have survived
have included magpie.
Which other ones can you...?
Robin. Robin.
Robin redbreast.
Robin redbreast.
Robin's the only one where the
first name is the one that's kept...
Dave Starling. Sorry?
Joseph Starling?
No, big Dave Starling.
Joseph would have been funny.
Joseph Starling is good, yeah.
I like that. I prefer that.
Not as funny as Dave,
but it's better. Yeah.
Tomtit. Jenny Wren. Tomtit, yeah.
Charlie Crow.
Jackdaw. Jackdaw.
Oh, jackdaw. Yeah, yeah.
So, there are a few of them.
Christopher Chaffinch.
We had an injured bird
in the garden yesterday... Oh.
..and it looked like a magpie,
and it couldn't take off,
and I was watching it for ages.
I didn't know what to do with it,
so I opened the back gate
and shooed it out.
Oh, dear.
What do you think it was, then?
What make? "The back gate."
I think it was a young crow... Yeah.
..that was having a bit
of trouble with flight
cos it flew into a bush... Oh, dear.
..and I presume it's dead by now.
That's it? You...?
And that's the end
of tonight's Springwatch. Yes.
What could you have done with it?
I don't know. What are you going
to do with a bird? Shoot it.
Take it out. Shoot the...
Sniper's rifle through the brain.
I could have gone after it
cos it was in the garden
and couldn't get out.
I could have easily got it
with a tennis racket.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Just scoop it up
with a tennis racket
and hit it with a frying pan...
..and chuck it over the wall.
That's what I would do.
Then its parents would have come
and ate it, wouldn't they?
Yeah, that's right. Let's face it,
it is the wild. Yeah. Exactly, yes.
Even if it is Hampstead.
It's wild for them, though.
They'd have had it in a coulis.
A crow couscous.
With some quinoa.
I wonder what its name was.
Clive, I expect.
No, I think it was Vel. Vel?
Vel-crow. Velcro. Oh!
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Now, what begins with M that
you could shoot with one of these?
Those guys are tiny.
A mallard.
Mallard is very good. Absolutely.
You recognise what that is?
It's a punt gun.
It is indeed a punt gun.
There's a few punters in.
You're good on guns,
aren't you, Jeremy?
Well, I shot one of those,
but I shot a clay pigeon with it...
Oh!..and proved that
a man can actually fly.
So, don't tell me
you weren't on a punt?
No, I wasn't on a punt, and there's
a sort of momentum thing goes.
You get it going
and then you just can't stop it,
and I was airborne for 20 minutes.
That's one of the reasons
they have them on punts is...
I mean, the boat goes backwards.
That's the point.
You could fire that at Norfolk
and you would wind up in Stavanger
three weeks later.
More or less true. But also,
more distressingly, perhaps,
if you like the waterfowl, one shot
can destroy up to 50 at a time.
So, you've got to have the...
Is it shot like a shotgun?
Yeah, it's just
a huge amount of blast.
No, but, I mean,
I know you're a vegetableist,
which is fine, but...
..what I don't understand
about these
is that if you actually hit a duck,
it vaporised it.
And apart from licking
the lake or the grass...
..there's no nutritional value
from an atomised...
You're pretty much right.
What are your monsters called?
We've got... On Dartmoor? Yeah.
We've got the Hairy Hand.
Are you aware of the Hairy Hand?
Which is a... No.
You get it when you're about 15.
The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand
that would appear from nowhere
if you were driving along
the B3021... Pissed.
..and it would steer you
off the road.
But there's... "Officer!" "Officer!"
It smelt
of cider, didn't it?
It dropped
its pint on me,
and then it drove me off the road.
One of the people that claimed
he'd been steered off the road
by the Hairy Hand,
he described it as invisible.
Oh, bless him for trying.
There are lots of places in the UK
named after mammaries.
Can you name one? Boob Town.
"Boob Town!"
No, can you name some real ones?
Great Tit-chfield.
The Mountains of Boob.
"The Mountains of Boob!"
Press your buzzer.
'Man United!' Manchester? Yes!
It was Mam-chester originally. No.
As in mammary, yes.
And it's got "chest" in it as well.
Yeah.
It's an incredibly rudely-named
place. It's double.
Full breasts - the mammaries
and the chest. Yeah.
And there's Nippleton as well,
isn't there?
Yes, from the Celtic "mam",
you've got Mam Tor
in Derbyshire. Jugsford.
Racksbury.
Memford.
Great Titi. Bazookaville.
Rackton.
Oh, dear. Gracious.
The Paps of Anu in Ireland
are named after the breasts of...
And there's a Pap of Glencoe
and a Maiden Pap in Scotland.
There's Papworth.
Papworth. Absolutely, yes.
There's a hospital there.
And what about Titty Hill
in West Sussex? What about it?
It exists,
but it's not named after breasts.
No, of course not.
What's it named after?
Sir Malcolm Titty.
It's so silly, it's funny.
His assistant named it
when they both discovered it.
"What do you think
we should call this?"
"I think we should name it
after you, Titty." "Titty Hill?"
"You found it, Titty."
"We're not going to name it
after you, Big Dick."
Silly Carry On lines. Oh, dear.
I used to do a bit of stand-up
about this thing that I found.
That sounds great. Sounds brilliant.
What it was,
we were doing a Secret Santa, right?
And it was a £10 limit.
And I went in...
There was quite a good adult shop
on the Essex Road,
and for under £10, the only thing
they offered was anal hoopla.
Anal hoopla consists of a stick...
..that goes... Guess where.
And three hoops.
That's...that's the actual game.
It's an icebreaker.
It's an icebreaker.
If you think things have gone
a bit flat in the bedroom area...
"Come on!" I mean,
the tone of this show
is so difficult to get right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just...I'm recalibrating.
All this anal hoopla. Who would
have predicted anal hoopla?
On the front of it -
on the front of the packet -
is a cartoon drawing
a bit like a saucy postcard
of two people playing it,
as if they couldn't get anyone
to actually demo it.
I dare say it doesn't work.
Where was this for sale?
At the Arsenal football ground?
Thank you. That's Klingon for,
"Anal hoopla?"
"No, thanks."
"Let's play Scrabble."
Now, on the subject of probability,
you've got this...
It's really interesting.
It's a probability issue.
You want a pack of cards each.
I can't catch. Oh, well caught.
We've got some for you.
So, I want you to take the cards out
and give them a good shuffle.
Good shuffle.
I'm going to do the same. Ooh.
Beautifully done. Sorry, boys.
And Sandi has been... Look at her.
She's like a croupier. Jesus!
Very good.
Very good. Yes, I've shuffled.
I've riffled, shuffled.
Yeah. Not a gambler?
So, can you shove
your cards in here?
Oh. All right, then.
All right, thank you.
I'll give them a really good shake.
Is this going to be
one of those Derren Brown ones
where we all can't eat for a week
or something? No, no, no.
Anyway, there you go. All right.
It's just about probability.
It's not a big deal.
Is there anything you can't turn
your hand to, Stephen?
Now it's magic. You haven't seen me
turn my hand to anything yet.
OK, and I'll put my cards in
as well. There we go.
All right, give them all
a good shake.
All right, so,
you take one card out. Don't look.
And if you can put it close
to your chest, but not...
No, no, don't look.
I've looked. I know what it is.
Well, it doesn't matter.
The point is to shove it close
to your chest so that that's...
That's not your chest, darling.
The reason to shove it
close to your chest
is so that when you reveal it,
it's camera height. Oh, right.
That's all it is, all right?
So, take one out. Feel it.
Yeah, very good. Very good.
All right, I'll do the same.
All right, all right,
I'll do the same.
OK, so, there is a possibility,
but a very unlikely possibility,
that two of the cards
will be the same. OK.
So, Sandi, you'll reveal your card.
Yours is the six of clubs.
All right. OK.
And you'll reveal your...
Oh, my God.
Oh! Alan?
Oh! Oh, no. You reveal yours.
Surely not.
No. Oh, my God.
And mine as well.
Oh, there you go. Funny.
How can that happen?
There it is.
Burn him. He's a witch.
There you are. OK. He's a witch.
That's a very good trick.
Thank you very much. Very good.
Very good at cards. Thank you.
Now, what kind of bird does the
Goliath bird-eating spider consume?
Oh, God. Whoa!
That should have had
a warning. Whoa.
That is...fucking horrible, sorry.
Whoa!
He's a little furry animal.
Still there. OK. Still there. OK.
Still there. Oh. Ah!
Oh, my God.
OK, now there's a still image
of one. Yeah.
It's not moving any more. Oh!
I'm just going to look at Phil.
Eyes on me. Eyes on me. Eyes on me.
It's all right, Phil. It's OK.
OK, I'm...
That was naughty.
Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.
What a pathetic reaction. That's...
No, please. I'd be the same,
if not for all the therapy.
We should have asked.
We should have asked
if you had a problem.
It's not moving, so that's OK.
It's not moving. No. They're big.
It must be said they are very big
and they're called
Goliath bird-eating spiders.
But it's never eaten
a bird in its life.
Well, that one may not have done
because it's very, very rare
for them to eat birds.
It just so happens
the person who discovered it
happened upon one
eating a hummingbird
and so called it
a bird-eating spider.
That's like, in your family,
when you do something once.
Yeah, exactly.
It's like, "Oh, Cariad always
gets sick on holiday."
And you're like, "It was one time."
Oh, Poland-invading Adolf.
"Once, I invade Poland!"
Now, here's an interesting effect.
Listen to this.
What was being said?
Is that the Devil?
It was the Devil,
but do you know what he was saying?
"I'm going to be late.
Put the dinner on."
Have another listen.
Now, the chances are you just didn't
understand what he was saying,
but if you heard it said, clearly,
then listen again
to that distorted sound.
And so this is what was being said.
'Try saying "blue whale".
'That's bound
to come up eventually.'
Isn't it extraordinary? Wow!
Hear that again.
'Try saying "blue whale".
'That's bound
to come up eventually.'
Yeah! You really can hear it,
can't you?
It just sounds like he's saying it
with a cold. That's right.
It's amazing what
the human brain can process.
But it needs a little bit
of information.
From that apparently random sound
that you thought you could never,
ever understand,
once you're told what it is,
you can instantly imprint
the structure of it.
It's amazing, I think.
Now, who has the best teeth
in the world?
I really like this question
and the answer. The Bee Gees.
The Bee Gees. They had good teeth.
John Bishop.
I'm looking for a nation.
I'm looking for a people. Americans.
Did you say Americans?
No, I didn't say it.
Is it Scandinavians?
It must be the Scandinavians. No.
Oh, no, it'd be... The English.
Yes, the British! Yeah!
The British have the best teeth
in the world.
It's true.
We win again!
Yeah, according to the OECD -
the Organisation of Economic
Co-operation and Development,
the international body...
Well remembered.
..they looked at
all the different nations
and they found that,
according to fillings and decay
and so on, that British children
had the best teeth on planet Earth.
Did they just go to one
particular school in Nottingham?
I don't think so.
Yeah, but they said that's cos
we've got less fillings.
Maybe it's cos we don't go
to the dentist at all.
Fewer fillings. Fewer fillings.
No...
I'm just being silly.
Stephen, knock, knock.
Yeah, who's there? To.
To who? No, it's "to whom".
Yes! Touche! Tou-bloody-che! Yes.
Alan. Hello. Let's bring this to
a beautiful, beautiful conclusion.
Cariad has been bitten by a snake.
What's happening to me?
This is not I'm A Celebrity...
What should you do?
Suck her.
In every sense, no.
You can't afford it, love.
Even when you've been
bitten by a cobra,
you're going to haggle prices.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'd soon drop your prices
once you've tried it.
Oh, dear. All right.
You tourniquet it. You... No.
Nor even a tourniquet.
Guys, I'm dying. You haven't
told me. What's happened?
I've been bitten by a snake.
Stay still. The spider's coming.
If you stay still
so it doesn't go round your blood.
Is that in there?
Well, if you're not near a car.
But drive her to a hospital.
Where are you taking me?
Take the snake if you can.
Yeah, exactly.
Or a photograph of it.
No, I didn't say a selfie.
Is this when...? You know when
you HAVE to be awake at ten to five?
Oh, yeah. No matter what happens,
you HAVE to be awake at ten to five.
And miraculously,
you are awake at ten to five.
That's an alarm clock, love.
No, I have that too. I do,
definitely. It's extraordinary.
So, is that the same kind of...?
Works very well.
At school, if we were going on a,
you know, little dawn raid
or something like that,
you know, they'd say... Sorry?
Do a raid on the kitchens
and steal jelly and things.
I forgot you grew up
in an Enid Blyton novel.
To get your catapult back
from the teacher?
You would do this onto the pillow.
You'd go, "One, two, three, four,"
like that,
and you'd wake up
at four in the morning.
It always seemed to work. No!
I can't remember a time when
it didn't work. That is bullshit.
I totally agree, Sarah.
It may be a false memory I've got,
but it's a very clear one.
If it's so true,
I want you to give us your phone
and alarm clock... Mm-hm.
..and never use it again
to wake yourself up...
..and just use the head hitting.
It all changes when you get
an enlarged prostate.
And do you still hit it
four times on the pillow?
Something that Blyton didn't
cover much. She didn't, did she?
Not lashings of enlarged prostate.
No. Oh, dear.
Marsh warblers just make it up
as they go along.
And now for a question
about metamor...
What happened?
What happened
while I was reading the...?
I had my back turned to you when
I was looking at the blackboard.
What...? Nothing, sir.
I don't know, sir.
Sir, David showed me
a picture of a penis, sir.
And then he showed me that, sir.
Not that one. That is not a penis.
Look at Bailey's drawing of a penis,
sir. I never did that.
That is nothing like a penis.
What's wrong with his penis
if he draws one like that?
He drew a penis on the world.
That's got to be...
That's illegal, isn't it?
Oh, Lord.
I'm going to get a glass of water
and I'll get a teaspoon.
Right. Oh, I'll just... To prove
that it is water, I'll drink it.
That just proves it might be vodka.
It proves at least that it's not
sulphuric acid or something... Yeah.
..because what I'm going to do
is try and make
this teaspoon disappear.
It may not work.
I'm not a good magician.
I'm a great magician.
And so we stir it here and I...
Oh, don't... Oh, no...
Oh, it might not work,
it might work, I don't know.
I'm, oh...
Yeah, it seems to have worked.
Ooh.
Wow!
There you are. Thank you.
That's rather good, isn't it?
Rather good. That's good. That is.
In fact, on this occasion,
it wasn't a magic trick
and it's something you can do.
I'll give you your water and you'll
notice the water is rather warm.
Ooh, it's warm.
It's warm water. Warm water.
And I'll give you
a couple of spoons.
They are metal, they're metal
spoons, but the metal...
Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer?
They might as well be.
They're made out of gallium.
And gallium is a metal...
A very useful metal.
Let's have a look.
..but it has the quality
that it melts,
as Alan is showing,
in water. Good Lord.
Oh, you wouldn't want that
of your teaspoon, would you?
No, it wouldn't make
a practical teaspoon.
That's lasting less time
than a biscuit. Yeah.
That's it. Look at that.
Now, if you stir it,
it'll happen more quickly.
Oh, good Lord, look at that.
Ah, jeez. That is...
That would be the most annoying
teaspoon in the world.
It really would, wouldn't it?
"Now... Oh."
But it's, like,
Terminator's teaspoon.
Yeah, exactly. Terminator 2,
it should be said.
Yes. Terminator two-spoon.
Hey!
Scuba diving. When they go caving
with scuba diving... Oh, yeah.
..they take tanks with them
because you can't get
all the way in in one tank.
Scary. So, you do
this incredibly dangerous thing
where you lug down some tanks
and you leave a tank.
You've got to remember where
you've left them. Exactly.
If you can't find it
on the way back, you'll die.
So, very important
that you remember...
"Just once..."
"You were supposed to remember
where the tank was.
"That was your only job." "Well,
what's the worst that could happen?"
"Cooee! I moved it. Guess where."
"Hilarious. I'm moving his tank.
This'll be funny. Watch this."
"I tell you what, then he died.
"You should have seen the look
on his dead face."
So, now, how would this bird
make an offer you couldn't refuse?
Oh, yeah. That bird.
He does your tax returns.
It's called a brown-headed cowbird,
rather unimaginatively.
It's got a brown head
and it's on a cow.
I just don't want to know
how it got the brown head.
I don't want to think about how
it got the brown head. Oh, stop it.
"That's as far as I can go!"
"All right, that'll do.
Now flap your wings."
"I can't!"
You haven't seen the cow's legs.
They're blue.
We have to forget the cow
in this instance,
other than the fact
that it's in its name.
It is a parasitic bird in a sense.
A brood parasite.
As I say, it's parasitic in the way
that it occupies a host's
birthing place. A womb.
Not womb in this case cos they don't
have wombs exactly, do they, birds?
Oh, I thought it was in the cow.
Oh, no, no, it's the bird.
It's the bird that's the parasite.
Oh, OK. It's a brood parasite.
It lays its eggs
in someone else's nest.
I'd love if it was the cow
that was the parasite.
Living off the bird.
That would be such a flaw
for a parasite to have to wait
for the bird to land on you.
Just running around
getting underneath birds.
Yeah, it's a brood parasite.
It lays its egg like that, as does,
more famously, our... Cuckoo.
Cuckoo. Cuckoo, yes. Cuckoo's
the great British brood parasite.
That nest wasn't on the back
of that cow, was it? No.
I did say, "Forget the cow,"
but I knew that wouldn't be
a helpful remark.
I couldn't forget the cow, Stephen.
It's a question of why
the birds put up with it.
Why does the one that lays
the blue eggs, in this instance,
allow that to happen?
Why didn't they just
get rid of the egg?
The answer is it does...once.
If it tries it, the bird
that's laid that egg will come back
and absolutely destroy the nest
and everything in it. Wow.
And the mother bird learns this
and next time laboriously
builds a new nest,
Iaboriously lays her own eggs.
Next time a brown-headed cowbird
comes along to lay their egg,
they go, "You can have it.
Honestly, I'll look after it.
"No problem."
It's basically a protection racket.
They're gangster birds,
hence the phrase,
"Make you an offer
you can't refuse." Oh.
But it works. So, which one...?
Was it the one with the blue eggs
or the other one?
The blue eggs is, like, the nice guy
who runs the Italian delicatessen...
Exactly...with his family
all these years,
and then the other egg
is the guy who comes round going...
"You
gonna look after my egg?"
"You'll
find a job for my boy."
"You see this egg? You know what
I'm gonna do to this egg?
"If you don't look after
the other egg..."
And then he throws it out.
Eventually, cos it's evolution,
they'll start spraying their own
blue egg that brown colour.
"Hey, someone's already done me.
Leave it."
You're right.
That's quite likely, isn't it?
Why haven't they evolved just to lay
enough eggs so there's no gap?
That's what I would do.
Good point.
So, pay attention now. It's time for
a magical, money-making moment. Oh.
Yes. I've got a proper, proper
printing press here. It's very...
It's a rather exciting one,
and as you can see,
it's got all the bells and whistles.
And it's even got a little
calibration here. Can you see?
It's on ten. I'm going to move it
up to 20. So, I've got a 20...
..sized one here. I hope this works.
It takes a long time
to fill it with ink,
so if it doesn't work,
I'm not going to do it twice.
Oh, yes. That works. Oh, good.
There you are. Oh, wow.
There you are.
Oh, there we go.
Stephen, one of the options
is a 100.
I just want to see what
one of them looks like. OK.
Um... Oh. Oh.
There we go. And...
Oh. Oh, it's a 50. It should be 100.
Oh, it is 100. Ah.
There you are. 100.
Now, how many paintings
did Vincent Van Gogh,
or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go"...
How many did he sell
while he was alive?
Don't say none.
None! I'm going to say none.
D'oh! D'oh!
Really, I'm afraid...
One. A few, maybe?
"A few."
It was lots.
He sold hundreds of paintings.
Hundreds?! Yeah, when he was 15,
he used to work in an art gallery.
Oh, shut up!
It's true. I just asked you
how many paintings...
This is the closest I've come
to walking out of this show.
I'd like a recount on those two.
It was a horribly mean question,
but the fact is
he did sell hundreds.
They just weren't his own.
I know, I'm sorry,
but, look, I did say...
Oh, the chairman of
the Pedantic Association.
"It's actually
the Society of Pedantics,
"but I'll let that go."
Yes, exactly. In fact.
I've never had, in 14 years,
people eating sweets
in the front row.
What the hell? And I can't think
about anything else except...
Well done.
Thanks. You can have them back
at the end of the lesson.
I feel really bad for those people
cos obviously,
you're just sat there
watching an episode of QI
and then, suddenly,
the telly gets up...
..and nicks your sweets.
It should happen more often!
"I didn't press the red button.
What's going on?"
Now, describe the plot of,
or sing a song from,
the popular musical
The Bathrooms Are Coming.
# The bathrooms are coming
♪ Thank God, I need a shit. ♪
How about...?
Bill, can you do me Cisterns
Are Doing It For Themselves?
Oh, there we go.
No, I can't.
# The bathrooms are coming
Lock up your pipes
# The bathrooms are coming
Where are your knives?
# Kill, kill, kill them
They'll be coming
# Kill them, kill them
# The bathrooms are coming
for your lives
# They're coming for your souls
# I've had it installed now
♪ But there's nothing
to pay till September... ♪
# I am on a HP high
♪ And ain't no debt collector
ever gonna bring me down... ♪
Water may be very hot.
♪ Don't let the grout
go mouldy on me. ♪
Do country and western.
If you're going to do country
and western, it's got to be...
♪ Fixed shower head
driving me wild... ♪
# Can't find my crevices
# No matter how hard I try
♪ Then I put my leg up... ♪
No, don't.
♪ Pull my junk to the side... ♪
Thank you.
good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
and welcome to QI.
Now, a magpie's real name
is a pie. It's a pie.
Then where does the "mag" come from?
Margaret. Yeah, Margaret. Was it?
Yeah. Margaret pie?
Where did that come from?
Margaret pie.
In medieval England,
it was common to give birds
a Christian name, sometimes,
and the ones that have survived
have included magpie.
Which other ones can you...?
Robin. Robin.
Robin redbreast.
Robin redbreast.
Robin's the only one where the
first name is the one that's kept...
Dave Starling. Sorry?
Joseph Starling?
No, big Dave Starling.
Joseph would have been funny.
Joseph Starling is good, yeah.
I like that. I prefer that.
Not as funny as Dave,
but it's better. Yeah.
Tomtit. Jenny Wren. Tomtit, yeah.
Charlie Crow.
Jackdaw. Jackdaw.
Oh, jackdaw. Yeah, yeah.
So, there are a few of them.
Christopher Chaffinch.
We had an injured bird
in the garden yesterday... Oh.
..and it looked like a magpie,
and it couldn't take off,
and I was watching it for ages.
I didn't know what to do with it,
so I opened the back gate
and shooed it out.
Oh, dear.
What do you think it was, then?
What make? "The back gate."
I think it was a young crow... Yeah.
..that was having a bit
of trouble with flight
cos it flew into a bush... Oh, dear.
..and I presume it's dead by now.
That's it? You...?
And that's the end
of tonight's Springwatch. Yes.
What could you have done with it?
I don't know. What are you going
to do with a bird? Shoot it.
Take it out. Shoot the...
Sniper's rifle through the brain.
I could have gone after it
cos it was in the garden
and couldn't get out.
I could have easily got it
with a tennis racket.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Just scoop it up
with a tennis racket
and hit it with a frying pan...
..and chuck it over the wall.
That's what I would do.
Then its parents would have come
and ate it, wouldn't they?
Yeah, that's right. Let's face it,
it is the wild. Yeah. Exactly, yes.
Even if it is Hampstead.
It's wild for them, though.
They'd have had it in a coulis.
A crow couscous.
With some quinoa.
I wonder what its name was.
Clive, I expect.
No, I think it was Vel. Vel?
Vel-crow. Velcro. Oh!
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Now, what begins with M that
you could shoot with one of these?
Those guys are tiny.
A mallard.
Mallard is very good. Absolutely.
You recognise what that is?
It's a punt gun.
It is indeed a punt gun.
There's a few punters in.
You're good on guns,
aren't you, Jeremy?
Well, I shot one of those,
but I shot a clay pigeon with it...
Oh!..and proved that
a man can actually fly.
So, don't tell me
you weren't on a punt?
No, I wasn't on a punt, and there's
a sort of momentum thing goes.
You get it going
and then you just can't stop it,
and I was airborne for 20 minutes.
That's one of the reasons
they have them on punts is...
I mean, the boat goes backwards.
That's the point.
You could fire that at Norfolk
and you would wind up in Stavanger
three weeks later.
More or less true. But also,
more distressingly, perhaps,
if you like the waterfowl, one shot
can destroy up to 50 at a time.
So, you've got to have the...
Is it shot like a shotgun?
Yeah, it's just
a huge amount of blast.
No, but, I mean,
I know you're a vegetableist,
which is fine, but...
..what I don't understand
about these
is that if you actually hit a duck,
it vaporised it.
And apart from licking
the lake or the grass...
..there's no nutritional value
from an atomised...
You're pretty much right.
What are your monsters called?
We've got... On Dartmoor? Yeah.
We've got the Hairy Hand.
Are you aware of the Hairy Hand?
Which is a... No.
You get it when you're about 15.
The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand
that would appear from nowhere
if you were driving along
the B3021... Pissed.
..and it would steer you
off the road.
But there's... "Officer!" "Officer!"
It smelt
of cider, didn't it?
It dropped
its pint on me,
and then it drove me off the road.
One of the people that claimed
he'd been steered off the road
by the Hairy Hand,
he described it as invisible.
Oh, bless him for trying.
There are lots of places in the UK
named after mammaries.
Can you name one? Boob Town.
"Boob Town!"
No, can you name some real ones?
Great Tit-chfield.
The Mountains of Boob.
"The Mountains of Boob!"
Press your buzzer.
'Man United!' Manchester? Yes!
It was Mam-chester originally. No.
As in mammary, yes.
And it's got "chest" in it as well.
Yeah.
It's an incredibly rudely-named
place. It's double.
Full breasts - the mammaries
and the chest. Yeah.
And there's Nippleton as well,
isn't there?
Yes, from the Celtic "mam",
you've got Mam Tor
in Derbyshire. Jugsford.
Racksbury.
Memford.
Great Titi. Bazookaville.
Rackton.
Oh, dear. Gracious.
The Paps of Anu in Ireland
are named after the breasts of...
And there's a Pap of Glencoe
and a Maiden Pap in Scotland.
There's Papworth.
Papworth. Absolutely, yes.
There's a hospital there.
And what about Titty Hill
in West Sussex? What about it?
It exists,
but it's not named after breasts.
No, of course not.
What's it named after?
Sir Malcolm Titty.
It's so silly, it's funny.
His assistant named it
when they both discovered it.
"What do you think
we should call this?"
"I think we should name it
after you, Titty." "Titty Hill?"
"You found it, Titty."
"We're not going to name it
after you, Big Dick."
Silly Carry On lines. Oh, dear.
I used to do a bit of stand-up
about this thing that I found.
That sounds great. Sounds brilliant.
What it was,
we were doing a Secret Santa, right?
And it was a £10 limit.
And I went in...
There was quite a good adult shop
on the Essex Road,
and for under £10, the only thing
they offered was anal hoopla.
Anal hoopla consists of a stick...
..that goes... Guess where.
And three hoops.
That's...that's the actual game.
It's an icebreaker.
It's an icebreaker.
If you think things have gone
a bit flat in the bedroom area...
"Come on!" I mean,
the tone of this show
is so difficult to get right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just...I'm recalibrating.
All this anal hoopla. Who would
have predicted anal hoopla?
On the front of it -
on the front of the packet -
is a cartoon drawing
a bit like a saucy postcard
of two people playing it,
as if they couldn't get anyone
to actually demo it.
I dare say it doesn't work.
Where was this for sale?
At the Arsenal football ground?
Thank you. That's Klingon for,
"Anal hoopla?"
"No, thanks."
"Let's play Scrabble."
Now, on the subject of probability,
you've got this...
It's really interesting.
It's a probability issue.
You want a pack of cards each.
I can't catch. Oh, well caught.
We've got some for you.
So, I want you to take the cards out
and give them a good shuffle.
Good shuffle.
I'm going to do the same. Ooh.
Beautifully done. Sorry, boys.
And Sandi has been... Look at her.
She's like a croupier. Jesus!
Very good.
Very good. Yes, I've shuffled.
I've riffled, shuffled.
Yeah. Not a gambler?
So, can you shove
your cards in here?
Oh. All right, then.
All right, thank you.
I'll give them a really good shake.
Is this going to be
one of those Derren Brown ones
where we all can't eat for a week
or something? No, no, no.
Anyway, there you go. All right.
It's just about probability.
It's not a big deal.
Is there anything you can't turn
your hand to, Stephen?
Now it's magic. You haven't seen me
turn my hand to anything yet.
OK, and I'll put my cards in
as well. There we go.
All right, give them all
a good shake.
All right, so,
you take one card out. Don't look.
And if you can put it close
to your chest, but not...
No, no, don't look.
I've looked. I know what it is.
Well, it doesn't matter.
The point is to shove it close
to your chest so that that's...
That's not your chest, darling.
The reason to shove it
close to your chest
is so that when you reveal it,
it's camera height. Oh, right.
That's all it is, all right?
So, take one out. Feel it.
Yeah, very good. Very good.
All right, I'll do the same.
All right, all right,
I'll do the same.
OK, so, there is a possibility,
but a very unlikely possibility,
that two of the cards
will be the same. OK.
So, Sandi, you'll reveal your card.
Yours is the six of clubs.
All right. OK.
And you'll reveal your...
Oh, my God.
Oh! Alan?
Oh! Oh, no. You reveal yours.
Surely not.
No. Oh, my God.
And mine as well.
Oh, there you go. Funny.
How can that happen?
There it is.
Burn him. He's a witch.
There you are. OK. He's a witch.
That's a very good trick.
Thank you very much. Very good.
Very good at cards. Thank you.
Now, what kind of bird does the
Goliath bird-eating spider consume?
Oh, God. Whoa!
That should have had
a warning. Whoa.
That is...fucking horrible, sorry.
Whoa!
He's a little furry animal.
Still there. OK. Still there. OK.
Still there. Oh. Ah!
Oh, my God.
OK, now there's a still image
of one. Yeah.
It's not moving any more. Oh!
I'm just going to look at Phil.
Eyes on me. Eyes on me. Eyes on me.
It's all right, Phil. It's OK.
OK, I'm...
That was naughty.
Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.
What a pathetic reaction. That's...
No, please. I'd be the same,
if not for all the therapy.
We should have asked.
We should have asked
if you had a problem.
It's not moving, so that's OK.
It's not moving. No. They're big.
It must be said they are very big
and they're called
Goliath bird-eating spiders.
But it's never eaten
a bird in its life.
Well, that one may not have done
because it's very, very rare
for them to eat birds.
It just so happens
the person who discovered it
happened upon one
eating a hummingbird
and so called it
a bird-eating spider.
That's like, in your family,
when you do something once.
Yeah, exactly.
It's like, "Oh, Cariad always
gets sick on holiday."
And you're like, "It was one time."
Oh, Poland-invading Adolf.
"Once, I invade Poland!"
Now, here's an interesting effect.
Listen to this.
What was being said?
Is that the Devil?
It was the Devil,
but do you know what he was saying?
"I'm going to be late.
Put the dinner on."
Have another listen.
Now, the chances are you just didn't
understand what he was saying,
but if you heard it said, clearly,
then listen again
to that distorted sound.
And so this is what was being said.
'Try saying "blue whale".
'That's bound
to come up eventually.'
Isn't it extraordinary? Wow!
Hear that again.
'Try saying "blue whale".
'That's bound
to come up eventually.'
Yeah! You really can hear it,
can't you?
It just sounds like he's saying it
with a cold. That's right.
It's amazing what
the human brain can process.
But it needs a little bit
of information.
From that apparently random sound
that you thought you could never,
ever understand,
once you're told what it is,
you can instantly imprint
the structure of it.
It's amazing, I think.
Now, who has the best teeth
in the world?
I really like this question
and the answer. The Bee Gees.
The Bee Gees. They had good teeth.
John Bishop.
I'm looking for a nation.
I'm looking for a people. Americans.
Did you say Americans?
No, I didn't say it.
Is it Scandinavians?
It must be the Scandinavians. No.
Oh, no, it'd be... The English.
Yes, the British! Yeah!
The British have the best teeth
in the world.
It's true.
We win again!
Yeah, according to the OECD -
the Organisation of Economic
Co-operation and Development,
the international body...
Well remembered.
..they looked at
all the different nations
and they found that,
according to fillings and decay
and so on, that British children
had the best teeth on planet Earth.
Did they just go to one
particular school in Nottingham?
I don't think so.
Yeah, but they said that's cos
we've got less fillings.
Maybe it's cos we don't go
to the dentist at all.
Fewer fillings. Fewer fillings.
No...
I'm just being silly.
Stephen, knock, knock.
Yeah, who's there? To.
To who? No, it's "to whom".
Yes! Touche! Tou-bloody-che! Yes.
Alan. Hello. Let's bring this to
a beautiful, beautiful conclusion.
Cariad has been bitten by a snake.
What's happening to me?
This is not I'm A Celebrity...
What should you do?
Suck her.
In every sense, no.
You can't afford it, love.
Even when you've been
bitten by a cobra,
you're going to haggle prices.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'd soon drop your prices
once you've tried it.
Oh, dear. All right.
You tourniquet it. You... No.
Nor even a tourniquet.
Guys, I'm dying. You haven't
told me. What's happened?
I've been bitten by a snake.
Stay still. The spider's coming.
If you stay still
so it doesn't go round your blood.
Is that in there?
Well, if you're not near a car.
But drive her to a hospital.
Where are you taking me?
Take the snake if you can.
Yeah, exactly.
Or a photograph of it.
No, I didn't say a selfie.
Is this when...? You know when
you HAVE to be awake at ten to five?
Oh, yeah. No matter what happens,
you HAVE to be awake at ten to five.
And miraculously,
you are awake at ten to five.
That's an alarm clock, love.
No, I have that too. I do,
definitely. It's extraordinary.
So, is that the same kind of...?
Works very well.
At school, if we were going on a,
you know, little dawn raid
or something like that,
you know, they'd say... Sorry?
Do a raid on the kitchens
and steal jelly and things.
I forgot you grew up
in an Enid Blyton novel.
To get your catapult back
from the teacher?
You would do this onto the pillow.
You'd go, "One, two, three, four,"
like that,
and you'd wake up
at four in the morning.
It always seemed to work. No!
I can't remember a time when
it didn't work. That is bullshit.
I totally agree, Sarah.
It may be a false memory I've got,
but it's a very clear one.
If it's so true,
I want you to give us your phone
and alarm clock... Mm-hm.
..and never use it again
to wake yourself up...
..and just use the head hitting.
It all changes when you get
an enlarged prostate.
And do you still hit it
four times on the pillow?
Something that Blyton didn't
cover much. She didn't, did she?
Not lashings of enlarged prostate.
No. Oh, dear.
Marsh warblers just make it up
as they go along.
And now for a question
about metamor...
What happened?
What happened
while I was reading the...?
I had my back turned to you when
I was looking at the blackboard.
What...? Nothing, sir.
I don't know, sir.
Sir, David showed me
a picture of a penis, sir.
And then he showed me that, sir.
Not that one. That is not a penis.
Look at Bailey's drawing of a penis,
sir. I never did that.
That is nothing like a penis.
What's wrong with his penis
if he draws one like that?
He drew a penis on the world.
That's got to be...
That's illegal, isn't it?
Oh, Lord.
I'm going to get a glass of water
and I'll get a teaspoon.
Right. Oh, I'll just... To prove
that it is water, I'll drink it.
That just proves it might be vodka.
It proves at least that it's not
sulphuric acid or something... Yeah.
..because what I'm going to do
is try and make
this teaspoon disappear.
It may not work.
I'm not a good magician.
I'm a great magician.
And so we stir it here and I...
Oh, don't... Oh, no...
Oh, it might not work,
it might work, I don't know.
I'm, oh...
Yeah, it seems to have worked.
Ooh.
Wow!
There you are. Thank you.
That's rather good, isn't it?
Rather good. That's good. That is.
In fact, on this occasion,
it wasn't a magic trick
and it's something you can do.
I'll give you your water and you'll
notice the water is rather warm.
Ooh, it's warm.
It's warm water. Warm water.
And I'll give you
a couple of spoons.
They are metal, they're metal
spoons, but the metal...
Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer?
They might as well be.
They're made out of gallium.
And gallium is a metal...
A very useful metal.
Let's have a look.
..but it has the quality
that it melts,
as Alan is showing,
in water. Good Lord.
Oh, you wouldn't want that
of your teaspoon, would you?
No, it wouldn't make
a practical teaspoon.
That's lasting less time
than a biscuit. Yeah.
That's it. Look at that.
Now, if you stir it,
it'll happen more quickly.
Oh, good Lord, look at that.
Ah, jeez. That is...
That would be the most annoying
teaspoon in the world.
It really would, wouldn't it?
"Now... Oh."
But it's, like,
Terminator's teaspoon.
Yeah, exactly. Terminator 2,
it should be said.
Yes. Terminator two-spoon.
Hey!
Scuba diving. When they go caving
with scuba diving... Oh, yeah.
..they take tanks with them
because you can't get
all the way in in one tank.
Scary. So, you do
this incredibly dangerous thing
where you lug down some tanks
and you leave a tank.
You've got to remember where
you've left them. Exactly.
If you can't find it
on the way back, you'll die.
So, very important
that you remember...
"Just once..."
"You were supposed to remember
where the tank was.
"That was your only job." "Well,
what's the worst that could happen?"
"Cooee! I moved it. Guess where."
"Hilarious. I'm moving his tank.
This'll be funny. Watch this."
"I tell you what, then he died.
"You should have seen the look
on his dead face."
So, now, how would this bird
make an offer you couldn't refuse?
Oh, yeah. That bird.
He does your tax returns.
It's called a brown-headed cowbird,
rather unimaginatively.
It's got a brown head
and it's on a cow.
I just don't want to know
how it got the brown head.
I don't want to think about how
it got the brown head. Oh, stop it.
"That's as far as I can go!"
"All right, that'll do.
Now flap your wings."
"I can't!"
You haven't seen the cow's legs.
They're blue.
We have to forget the cow
in this instance,
other than the fact
that it's in its name.
It is a parasitic bird in a sense.
A brood parasite.
As I say, it's parasitic in the way
that it occupies a host's
birthing place. A womb.
Not womb in this case cos they don't
have wombs exactly, do they, birds?
Oh, I thought it was in the cow.
Oh, no, no, it's the bird.
It's the bird that's the parasite.
Oh, OK. It's a brood parasite.
It lays its eggs
in someone else's nest.
I'd love if it was the cow
that was the parasite.
Living off the bird.
That would be such a flaw
for a parasite to have to wait
for the bird to land on you.
Just running around
getting underneath birds.
Yeah, it's a brood parasite.
It lays its egg like that, as does,
more famously, our... Cuckoo.
Cuckoo. Cuckoo, yes. Cuckoo's
the great British brood parasite.
That nest wasn't on the back
of that cow, was it? No.
I did say, "Forget the cow,"
but I knew that wouldn't be
a helpful remark.
I couldn't forget the cow, Stephen.
It's a question of why
the birds put up with it.
Why does the one that lays
the blue eggs, in this instance,
allow that to happen?
Why didn't they just
get rid of the egg?
The answer is it does...once.
If it tries it, the bird
that's laid that egg will come back
and absolutely destroy the nest
and everything in it. Wow.
And the mother bird learns this
and next time laboriously
builds a new nest,
Iaboriously lays her own eggs.
Next time a brown-headed cowbird
comes along to lay their egg,
they go, "You can have it.
Honestly, I'll look after it.
"No problem."
It's basically a protection racket.
They're gangster birds,
hence the phrase,
"Make you an offer
you can't refuse." Oh.
But it works. So, which one...?
Was it the one with the blue eggs
or the other one?
The blue eggs is, like, the nice guy
who runs the Italian delicatessen...
Exactly...with his family
all these years,
and then the other egg
is the guy who comes round going...
"You
gonna look after my egg?"
"You'll
find a job for my boy."
"You see this egg? You know what
I'm gonna do to this egg?
"If you don't look after
the other egg..."
And then he throws it out.
Eventually, cos it's evolution,
they'll start spraying their own
blue egg that brown colour.
"Hey, someone's already done me.
Leave it."
You're right.
That's quite likely, isn't it?
Why haven't they evolved just to lay
enough eggs so there's no gap?
That's what I would do.
Good point.
So, pay attention now. It's time for
a magical, money-making moment. Oh.
Yes. I've got a proper, proper
printing press here. It's very...
It's a rather exciting one,
and as you can see,
it's got all the bells and whistles.
And it's even got a little
calibration here. Can you see?
It's on ten. I'm going to move it
up to 20. So, I've got a 20...
..sized one here. I hope this works.
It takes a long time
to fill it with ink,
so if it doesn't work,
I'm not going to do it twice.
Oh, yes. That works. Oh, good.
There you are. Oh, wow.
There you are.
Oh, there we go.
Stephen, one of the options
is a 100.
I just want to see what
one of them looks like. OK.
Um... Oh. Oh.
There we go. And...
Oh. Oh, it's a 50. It should be 100.
Oh, it is 100. Ah.
There you are. 100.
Now, how many paintings
did Vincent Van Gogh,
or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go"...
How many did he sell
while he was alive?
Don't say none.
None! I'm going to say none.
D'oh! D'oh!
Really, I'm afraid...
One. A few, maybe?
"A few."
It was lots.
He sold hundreds of paintings.
Hundreds?! Yeah, when he was 15,
he used to work in an art gallery.
Oh, shut up!
It's true. I just asked you
how many paintings...
This is the closest I've come
to walking out of this show.
I'd like a recount on those two.
It was a horribly mean question,
but the fact is
he did sell hundreds.
They just weren't his own.
I know, I'm sorry,
but, look, I did say...
Oh, the chairman of
the Pedantic Association.
"It's actually
the Society of Pedantics,
"but I'll let that go."
Yes, exactly. In fact.
I've never had, in 14 years,
people eating sweets
in the front row.
What the hell? And I can't think
about anything else except...
Well done.
Thanks. You can have them back
at the end of the lesson.
I feel really bad for those people
cos obviously,
you're just sat there
watching an episode of QI
and then, suddenly,
the telly gets up...
..and nicks your sweets.
It should happen more often!
"I didn't press the red button.
What's going on?"
Now, describe the plot of,
or sing a song from,
the popular musical
The Bathrooms Are Coming.
# The bathrooms are coming
♪ Thank God, I need a shit. ♪
How about...?
Bill, can you do me Cisterns
Are Doing It For Themselves?
Oh, there we go.
No, I can't.
# The bathrooms are coming
Lock up your pipes
# The bathrooms are coming
Where are your knives?
# Kill, kill, kill them
They'll be coming
# Kill them, kill them
# The bathrooms are coming
for your lives
# They're coming for your souls
# I've had it installed now
♪ But there's nothing
to pay till September... ♪
# I am on a HP high
♪ And ain't no debt collector
ever gonna bring me down... ♪
Water may be very hot.
♪ Don't let the grout
go mouldy on me. ♪
Do country and western.
If you're going to do country
and western, it's got to be...
♪ Fixed shower head
driving me wild... ♪
# Can't find my crevices
# No matter how hard I try
♪ Then I put my leg up... ♪
No, don't.
♪ Pull my junk to the side... ♪
Thank you.