QI (2003–…): Season 13, Episode 11 - Menagerie - full transcript

Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening.

Welcome to QI, which, tonight,

is a menagerie of animals
beginning with M.

Let's meet our man children.

The mammalian Romesh Ranganathan...

..the marsupial Bill Bailey...

..the microscopic Sue Perkins...

..and the missing mink Alan Davies.

So, let's hear it for
the monkeys, please. Sue goes...

Stop, stop.

..Romesh goes...



..Bill goes...

Which, you do, actually, don't you?
I do, yeah.

..and Alan goes...

# Hey hey, we're the Monkees

♪ People say we monkey around... ♪

So, it's a menagerie.

Imagine an imaginary
menagerie manager

managing an imaginary menagerie.

Very good, well done.
Thank you very much.

What's...? What...?
What just happened?

We're imagining an imaginary
menagerie manager

managing an imaginary
menagerie. Boom! Wow.

That certainly is impressive.

It's a menagerie. Animal collections.



That monkey's really
staring you out, Stephen.

All right. Now, do an impression,

if you can, of a moose on the pull.

A moose on the pull? OK.

Very good. Probably. That will
enter into it. When it goes...

"Are you a parking ticket

"cos you got fine
written all over you-ooh?"

Is that a genuine pick-up line?
I love it. I think it might be.

"Fine" written all over you.
I'm not actually sure what...

It's not really the sound.
It's actually a physical...maybe.

It's a physical impression.
Did you do that?

A male moose would do that...?

Does it go up...?

Does it go up on its
rear legs and... Eh?

Eh? See anything
you like, moose lady?

Or moose gentleman.

So, what order of mammals is a moose?

It's an elk, isn't it? Or a deer?

Well, an elk is simply the European
name for what Americans call a moose.

I've seen one. I've seen one.

I went to Canada and I was
staying in a cabin... Yeah?

..and I woke up in the morning,
and I looked out the window,

and it was right outside the window.
They're almost entirely silent.

Yes. They're so stealthy,
you wouldn't think...

I mean, they're huge - they're
like a horse... Oh, right.

..but they hardly make any sound
at all, and they creep about.

Frankly, they're unnerving.
They're surreptitious.

Surreptitious.
I'm amazed it makes any noise...

Would be more like this, then?
Would be more like sort of...?

Don't look. Look away.
Pretend you're a moose

at a disco or something.

Fancy a bunk-up?

Is it something like that?

"Fancy a bunk-up?"

It's a moose. He said,
"Fancy a bunk-up?"

You haven't chatted anyone up
since the '70s, have you?

I sort of feel sorry for animals...

Like, well, moose...because they
haven't got... How do you...?

If you're going on the pull,
as a moose,

how do you stick out from the herd?

If you're a human and you're
struggling on the pull,

you can get, like, a snazzy
haircut or, like, a cool jacket.

Do you know what I mean?

So, the moose does something else.

Ah! It goes on Tinder,
is that right?

There's an equivalent
of tundra... Tinder.

Is there? Tundra Tinder,
I like it. Tindra.

What are they, as an order of mammal?

They are... Deer.
Deer, they are deer.

What the deer's mating season?

The males called it...
Rut. They rut.

One of the things they do
in their rut, the males,

is they dig a hole...

It's the equivalent of
wearing a smart jacket. OK.

..and they urinate into the hole,

and then they pull all the...

pissy mud, let's call it...
Sexy times. Yup.

..all around their legs
and all around their bodies.

They cover themselves
in urine-soaked mud. Dirty.

And they go a little distance
from the hole and they sit down.

They wait for the female to come -

who, as a female would, would go,

"I like the smell of this."

It's muddy and it's...
Pissy!..slightly pissy.

Just a little touch of piss.

And they get in there and
cover themselves in that mixture

and then mating happens. And
then he says, "Fancy a bunk up?"

Yeah.

But before that, they've got to go
through the other rutting procedure,

which is why they've got antlers,
and that's fighting with other males.

So, after they've fought
with the males and won,

then they have the honour
of pissing in the mud.

Is that their prize? It's nature's
way of telling them...

I would just take a dive
if I was in that situation.

If that's the reward, you know,
mate, I don't fancy pissy mud today.

I'm just going to go down.

Are there any female moose
that aren't necessarily drawn in

by the toxic, heady brew of urine,

mud and some slightly wonky antlers?

If there are, unfortunately
they'll probably die out

because the only ones that mate
are the ones that go in for this,

and they pass on their genes.
What does it smell like?

As bad as it sounds, I fear.

Are you moose-curious now?

I am moose-curious.

I want to smell
your mud...moosey boy.

Then you can get extra points
if you can do what a moose can do,

and that's have each eye moving
independently of the other.

No, I can't do that.
I actually thought

you were going to say,
"Urinate in a muddy hole."

I can do that. I don't know
if you can see, but...

Iike that, you go...

What's your mud pissing like?

Am I doing it?

You don't want to do it.
What's the plural of moose?

Moose. Mooses. Moose, yeah,
although it's actually a Cree word,

a Cree Indian word,

and the real plural should be
"moosuch", which is rather good.

One moose, two "moosuch".

Sounds quite Yiddish.

Moosuch! Moosuch!
I like it, good word.

Anyway, to impress the females,
a moose on the pull

really has to splash out a bit.

The moose is the world's
largest deer,

but how might a tiger help
an old deer get home?

Do they organise licensed
minicabs for free after midnight?

This is a set-up, isn't it? It is,
we don't mean an old dear like that.

It's not actually an old lady.

And we can't mention... If we say
zebra crossing, then there's

going to be attraction going off...
You are far smarter than we are.

I fooled the klaxon, finally!

Yes!

It's a dream, isn't it?
It is a dream.

So, it's the word "deer" and the
letter M. We've had moose. A musk.

It may not... Even you...

Muntjac...a fine zoologist,
you may not have heard of this.

No, muntjac is not it.

It's Chinese deer that for 1,200
years... It's Chinese, dear.

Chinese.

Eh? He said it's Chinese, dear.
Chinese, OK.

Is it Wednesday? No, Chinese.

Oh, I like lager.

He'll have chow mein, he likes it.

I like lager. Do I like lager?

Yes, dear. Thank you.

It's been extinct for 1,200 years.
In the wild it's been extinct.

Oh, right. But it was saved
actually by the Europeans,

particularly the British. Mink.

I was saying things
that begin with M.

Is it a Chinese word?

Well, it probably originally was.
Mao Zedong deer.

A good try. A bloody good effort.

Do you know...? It tells
the other deer to really think
about their failings.

It's milu. Milu is a type of deer.

1,200 years ago,
it was made extinct in the wild.

Because the Chinese
the antlers were an aphrodisiac.

Oh, course they did! Here we go.

This poor deer was indeed
rendered virtually extinct.

A few European travellers
smuggled some out of China,

including the 11th Duke of Bedford,

who put them in a park
in Woburn Abbey,

and they've more or less thrived.
Or is it throve?

And...by the time you got to 1985,

it was decided that maybe
they should be reintroduced to China.

Oh, dear!

The primary problem was
they didn't know which part of China

they came from, there was no record.
No, of course not.

Well, it's very diverse as well,
Chinese habitat. Hugely diverse.

So you've got to get it right.
And they knew that the milu

Iiked squashy, marshy places,
they swam very well.

And they had wide feet. And it
suggested a marshy environment.

And then they thought, well,
maybe we should see which animals

they have a little
atavistic memory of.

And they played sound tapes to them,

of different animals,
a whole list of them -

crows, dogs, tigers, leopards,
wolves, bears and lions.

And the one they responded to the
strongest was the sound of the tiger.

So, they found an area of China
where there were tiger fossils,

because amazingly there are virtually
no tigers left alive in China

because their penises
are aphrodisiac.

Yes. That's right,
but you have to kill them first.

And they found the fossils and a
marshy place and they put them there.

Who was responsible?

Is this the Chinese government
responsible for this?

I think it was a cooperative thing
between Woburn Abbey and China

to bring them back.

Because their record on animal
welfare is a little bit shaky.

So I'm amazed
that it's going through.

Now, you were a maths teacher,
weren't you? I was, yeah.

You'll love this.

OK, could you divide 355 by 113?

I can't.

Is that the question you're asking?
We relied on you.

No, it's actually a Chinese number
called milu, same word.

Probably pitched
utterly differently.

And it's the Chinese version of pi.
What we call pi.

It's not quite as accurate
to as many places.

It's easily remembered, actually.

You say how would you remember
355 divided by 113.

If you take the 113
and put it in front,

you've got the first three
odd numbers in pairs - 113355.

And the answer, as you see, is pi.

It proves it because it's in chalk.
It does, doesn't it?

Did you use chalk as a teacher?

No, actually. We had
these interactive whiteboards.

You're so young!

It's so exciting, kids can come up

and press the buttons on the screen,
but it takes so long to plan that.

So I switched off
all the functionality

and just use it as
a regular whiteboard.

I remember when I was at school,
you'd get the whiteboard rubber

thrown at you,
like a discipline tool.

My teachers liked
the blackboard rubber

because they could throw it at you
and draw blood.

Land it on the desk in front of you
so you get covered in chalk dust.

It's rather unfashionable now,
apparently,

violence towards children.

You say it's unfashionable -
it's illegal.

Health and safety gone mad.

You say that, we had a situation
where there was

a kid in one of my classes being
very difficult, so we called

their parents in and said,
"Listen, your kid's out of line.

"I think you've done a bad job
of bringing him up."

No, we didn't say that...

You internalise that.

And then he said,
"Can't you just hit him?"

And I said, "Well, we're not
allowed to do that."

And then he said,
"What if I gave you a letter..."

"..that said you were allowed
to hit him?"

Would it work with the European Court
of Human Rights?

"I've got this."

It's in crayon.

I've got a free pass.
Well, there you are.

We don't really know
what the milu's milieu was,

but we think it involved tigers.

Where would you find the world's
most dangerous moustache?

Oh, look at Selleck there.

Aren't they all dangerous? The
reason I'm saying this is because

I've been told that beards and
moustaches are a haven for...

They carry bacteria...disease
and bacteria and stuff.

I've started shampooing mine.
I use an elderberry shampoo now.

Elderberry? Yeah, and then I...I...

And then I use a mango and vanilla
oil. Oh, lovely. Post shower.

Do you get a lot of fruit-eating
birds collecting round here?

Is it a beard or moustache
you're saying is dangerous?

I wasn't saying, it was Romesh.

But at the start it was -
is a moustache dangerous?

Sorry, that's the question!

Oh, good lord!

Is it...is it...?

Can I just point out that this bit
of Hitler's moustache, is that...?

That's a shadow.

Did he cut a bit off there
or is that a shadow?

That's what tipped him
over the edge. It was, yes.

He was shaving and... So, we're
criticising Hitler now, are we?

Yes.

The more I hear about him,
the less I like him.

Of course,
we're in a menagerie world here

so this moustache is not
belonging to a human being.

A shark. Is it a horse?

A moustache on a shark,
that's dangerous.

Is it the moustached lizard?

No. Is it the Terry-Thomas gecko?

Komodo dragon.

You could go dragon. It's not
a dragon, it's not an iguana.

It's actually...
The KOMODO dragon.

Ba-doing, ba-doing!

A gecko. A leaping lizard.

The Selleck frog.

Amphibious.

The trampolining, amphibious...
Frog!

Other one. Toad!

Is the right answer. It's a toad?!

It's a toad.
It's the moustachioed toad.

Moustachioed toad. The Emei.

Wow. Look at that,
that is seriously dangerous.

Look how he's gelled it up.

Those studs... Again,
we're back in the rutting world.

Oh, God, look at that.
..tear into fellow males

so that you can get the right mate.

And then give
the worst snog of all time.

Well, it lives in China.
Of course it does. Not for long.

And in the mating season...

The moustache has
medicinal properties?

And in the mating season, it builds
up its forearms... Oh, yeah? Right.

..partly for combat,
but also for mating -

for the grasping the female.

And then it grows this moustache
and then they fight a male rival

at the bottom of the river stream
over a particular female -

and they aim for each other's
stomachs to rip at them.

Really, it's nasty business.

90% of toads involved in this
kind of combat are injured,

so it's a really pretty...

God, it make you grateful to be
a human, doesn't it, sometimes?

Yeah. Really? That's your life?

Underwater stomach ripping?

Being intestinally jarred by
someone's weird, pointy moustache.

Not for me.
When they then get the female,

they fertilise the eggs
the female has laid,

they get a little rock
and they have to stay on the rock

or another male might
challenge them for the rock

and fertilise the spare eggs
and then, when they are hatched...

It sheds its horns.
..it sheds its moustache...

Its love horns.
..and goes around clean-shaven.

Oh, wow.

Wow. The Emei. E-M-E-I.

Emei. Yeah.

But there are other
moustachioed animals,

some of them quite extraordinary.
There's the Leucauge mariana

female spider, prefers to mate
with a male with hairy front.

A hairy front!

With a moustache, exactly.
Nobody wants hairy mandibles.

A whiskered front, exactly.

If a male tickles a female
with its little whiskers,

it is more likely to continue mating
and to produce a genital plug.

Oh! A genital plug? A genital plug.

Is that something...
An advert for your genitals?

I could keep my genitals a plug,
they're pretty good.

Let's all Google that now.

"You're here to plug your genitals,
come on."

Just see what comes up if you put
"genital plug" into a search engine.

A genital plug is when the female,
after mating, then produces

this bung at the end of its entrance
to stop other males from mating,

so that it guarantees the successful
male will pass on its genes.

Is it nature's chastity belt?
Kind of, yes.

Afterwards, a male spider that tries
to mount her and mate

will find it's rebuffed
by the genital plug.

Oh, nothing hurts more than a plug!
Exactly.

As you know, the whole aim of a male
is to pass on its genes.

That's what it's all about.
Not with a genital plug, it won't.

No, exactly.
Now available from Tesco.

Because scientists are interesting
creatures, arachnologists,

I suppose, they tested to see how
useful these hairs were on the male

by shaving some of the males

and the shaved males aroused
less interest in the females.

Who's funding this research?

You are!

This must be Lottery winners who
are going, "Yeah, shave a spider.

"Brilliant. That was brilliant."

Surely, on an evolutionary level,

surely the lady spider would want
to get as many men as possible.

What the female wants to do is
to attract the strongest, bravest,

biggest of the species. Yes.

Because the eggs can only
be fertilised once.

But you'd want the spider that goes,
"Bung? That's nothing to me!"

That's true, actually,
that's probably true.

No, no, no. I think
it's probably more like...

A little pucker. I know.
Exactly, but not straight out.

In a few million years,
that will happen.

That the male spiders will evolve...

She can't wait that long
with a bung in her.

"I'm sorry, love, I've got
a plug in, I'm sorry."

A Glade plug-in.

A Glade plug-in!

Well, you won't get...
That's where they got the name from.

There's another spider
with a moustache,

and that's the brown huntsman.

It has a luminous white moustache,
or yellowy white.

Which is... Ginger.
What do you think its purpose is?

Is it a draught excluder?
Arachnid hatch.

Well, there are two things
animals have to do.

Sex and eat. Food. Eat.
This one is food.

Does it attract things?
Moths, because it's luminous.

Oh, I see, right.

So, the moth sees
that little luminous moustache

and ignores the hideousness...

..of the rest of that creature.

It looks like the worst thing
I've ever seen in my life,

"but, oh, it's glowing!

Well, it is night, you see.

Ah. So, by the time the moth is
close up, it's too late. Grrr!

But it's a horrible last
few seconds for that moth.

It's the realisation, "Oh, shit!"

Now, we all know there are
perfectly good reasons

for shaving a toad or a spider,

but why would you want
to shave the monkey?

Do you know it?

To find out
if it was the Antichrist.

Have the 666 or related number,
according to...

Is it some sort of,
like, monkey stag do?

Well... He goes to sleep
and they shave him completely.

And then he'll wake up and go,
"Ha-ha-ha " It's not that.

It's like this with extreme
slowness and laziness...

Sloth. Are you a lazy monkey?

I would be languid...

A langur. A langur.

Oh, hello. Where do you
find langur monkeys?

That one in the middle
does not look lazy.

Psychotic? Yes.

The word is langur. Oh, OK.
That's what they're called.

Do they like Madagascar?
Do they go there?

I don't think so. It's all lemurs,
I think. They're India.

There's a lot of them. Such a lot
that there's a real problem.

They're considered an infestation

and so Indian authorities decided
they would try something,

which is...

You shave the leader of a particular
troop of langurs... Yes.

..the alpha male... Yeah.

..and rather than him being expelled
and another male taking his place,

the group disbands. Oh.

And that sort of solves
the problem of the infestation

because they're a damn nuisance.
Pests, they're considered.

I mean...
In their own place, the jungle...

They can be quite scary.
..fantastic.

Amazing, leaping through trees.

Once they get habituated to humans,
they pull your hair, they bite...

I've got a howler monkey bite here
that still aggravates me.

"Oh, poor Stephen."

Were you trying to shave it?

For your own wicked purposes?

Just horrible.
I like a smooth monkey myself.

Take it away, take it away,
this monkey's too hairy!

Oh, yes, bring him to me.
I will shave him.

No, um...

Oh!

In 2001, several large langurs were
employed by the Indian government.

They were paid,
in the form of bananas,

and they basically had to
police the defence centre

where rhesus macaques were
stealing food and paperwork,

they were pulling women's
saris off... Paperwork? Yes.

Very anti-bureaucracy monkeys. It
was the Ministry of Defence complex.

And so...they were small.

So they got the big langurs
to police them, essentially,

and they did. They pushed them out
to the post office.

And they've worked there ever since.

Doing paperwork.

The thing is,
the baboons in Cape Town,

they have to have monitors
because they're protected,

so they can't actually take them
out and put them on a perch.

No, it's illegal to kill them.

It's like killing a cow,
they are sacred...

in the Hindu religion.

The God, Lord Hanuman, apparently,
is the monkey god.

But they're a damn nuisance, so it's
very difficult to know what to do

but shaving seems a good answer.
Well, there you are!

What's quite interesting about this
macaque, while on the subject?

Oh, this is the one that took
the picture of itself, is it?

Yes, the selfie macaque.

The macaque selfie, yes. Well done,
absolutely right.

This is a macaque type of monkey
in Indonesia

that a British photographer took.

Or he did, or did he?
That's the question.

Ah, so who owns the copyright
of the photo?

That's the question. The US court
decided... I'm glad it went that far.

I mean, that surely is a vindication
of every legal system.

It's a British photographer,
David Slater his name is.

But the Copyright Office said
that to be copyrightable,

a work must owe its origin
to a human being.

And they've decided this wouldn't.

But of course it does
owe its origin to him

because he set a camera up on
a tripod, got the exposure correct,

and it so happened
that the macaque pressed the button.

But to say that therefore he doesn't
have copyright over that picture

seems a bit extraordinary...
So every time they use that photo,

they were suggesting
he consults the macaque?

Well, it's supposedly uncopyrightable

because copyright law only applies
to humans.

But that's human technology, so
that's that guy's phone or camera,

so surely he should have the
copyright. This is our feeling too.

Which is why we have chosen
to pay him for the rights

to the photograph, as you normally do
on television.

If something's copyright, you pay...

So, someone said, "We're not paying
you, you didn't take it."?

Some have said that and he's annoyed
about it. He did a good pose, though.

He did, a terrific pose.

The chap on the right's about to
actually take the camera

and that will end it all.

Anyway, how do you titillate
this ocelot?

Aww! AUDI ENCE: Aww!

Oh, you can't, surely... Do you?

It's probably vicious,
though, isn't it?

I mean, these things will
have your arm off, won't they?

Well done for not saying
the famous thing of

"How do you titillate an ocelot?"
Which is to...?

Oscillate its tit a lot.

You don't do that.

This is tree ocelot,

which actually is better known
by another name

which begins with our themed letter.

There it is. Beautiful animal.

Oh. Oh. I've played with one...

A kitten one.
..they're absolutely extraordinary.

They're called Margays. Margays.

Margay. M-A- R-G-A-Y. Margay.

Margay.

And they are a tree ocelot because,
as you can see from that photo,

they are tree-dwelling.
Have you shaved it, Stephen?

They are almost unique amongst
the cat family in that,

not only can they climb
trees headfirst...

They can fell them with axes.

They can descend trees headfirst -

which no other cat,
except the cloud leopard, can do.

God, look at that. There they are.
He's rappelling.

He's rappelling down...
He is, isn't he? Look at that.

And they do this by revolving
their ankles 180 degrees.

It's astonishing.
Oh, that is fantastic.

They really are extraordinary
and so poised in balance,

but there are not
many tree-living cats.

Are their ankles...?
Margays? Yep.

And the fact that other cats can't
is the reason...

The cat stuck in the tree business.

They are stunning.

They live in central
and southern America.

They can imitate...

The really rare thing about them,
no other cat can do this,

they can imitate...
Paul Daniels.

They can imitate... All the
characters from Coronation Street.

They can imitate Bruce Forsyth.

They imitate
the calls of wild monkeys.

Jimmy Carr laughing.

The pied tamarin is
the famous one there.

Look at that. What is that...

head...submerged in fur?

That's a really cute body

attached to the most hideous head
I've ever seen.

Is that another selfie?

That's a selfie stick
that it's holding.

It's a pied tamarin. I don't think
it usually looks quite as...

Well, odd as that.

A small little...
Like a tree monkey? Yep, exactly.

Yeah. Cats get stuck in trees
because they can't get down again

or they lose confidence. They make
such a fuss about it, don't they?

Miaow! Miaow!

Get down, you twat,
you did it yourself!

I throw things at them.

When they fall through the branches,
scrabbling away, hilarious!

And when they eventually hit the
ground, they'll style it out

as though they meant to do that.
"I wanted to get down, actually."

In our beloved capital city alone,

the fire brigade has
a lot of trouble.

In 2012, they were rescuing
a treed animal every 14 hours.

A waste of public funds.

Pretty much, isn't it? They should do
it with a big stick, just jab 'em.

A lasso. Half of them are cats,
but they've also had

a chimpanzee trapped in a chimney
in Tower Hamlets.

A puppy with its head stuck in
an exercise machine in Hillingdon.

A puppy's got to work out.

A kitten with its head stuck
in a bongo drum in a flat.

Jazzy!

I'd love to see that. I would love
to see that. A beatnik kitten.

Miaow! Miaow!

"You've got to get it out,
it's cruel." "No, not for a bit."

Anyway, now, for a question
about migration,

I'm going to ask you
all to take out a map

that you should find
beneath your desks.

Oh, yeah. There you are.

And you've got some drawing to do
on the map.

I want you to draw the extraordinary
annual migration

of the North American blue grouse

as accurately as you can. Right.
North America. OK, so anywhere...?

Not Alaska, then?
Is it Alaska? Could be Alaska?

The point is
that I don't tell you until...

I've got a feeling...

that they want to get to
another bit of North America,

but they go the wrong way...

..and they end up going
all the way around the world

and landing on the other
kind of... OK, there you go.

Florida for the sun

and then to the Carnival in Rio

and then to Sydney...

By way of Cape Town, is it?

So they go to all the Mardi Gras?

Well, they go to all the Mardi Gras.
They're just mad for it.

And then up here,
where there's, like,

a cheese-rolling in Britain,
they like that.

And then they're just knackered.

and the ones that are still alive,
back home.

It's a fantastic route.

I just think that sort of

they go...
just on a trip round South America

just to have a look -
might as well make a day of it.

I reckon they go about
a mile to the next village. Yeah.

Well, I think what happens is
they start off

and they overshoot, and they end up
going completely round,

not hitting any landmass
at all, and they think,

"We'll give it one more go,"
and they end up in Colchester.

They've no idea, but, for millennia
they've ended up in Colchester.

And yours...
Show the ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, dear.

Well, wouldn't it be funny
if you were right?

You're trying not to smile.

You're trying not to.
I don't want to look at it.

You like it. I don't like it.
I don't like it.

"Do I like these?
I don't like these."

It's funny. I don't like it.

OK... I don't like it!

Stop that. OK.

Incredibly,

closest to the truth was Alan.

Hold on.

Not...in your drawing

but in the remark you... My first
idea that they leave America,

go round the world
and land in America again?

No. In the remark you just made
to Bill. What?

"I reckon they just..."

Go about a mile to the next village.

Yes!

It's even less than that.

Its extraordinary migration
is 300 yards.

My kind of bird.

I love the thought of them
packing their cases...

Leaving a note for the milkman.
Are we nearly there yet?

"Unplug the telly!"

Every spring, it goes down
to its breeding grounds

and then, in the autumn, it schleps
all the way back up the hill again.

That's...
Does it take a long time?

On foot, by the way. Not even flying.

I mean, they are massive, aren't
they? Based on those footprints.

Enormous. Yes.

The name for the insatiable urge
to migrate is Zugunruhe.

It's German for
movement and restlessness.

Zugunruhe!

But anyway, where does a marsh
warbler go for singing lessons?

A marsh warbler...? Marsh warbler.
Do they copy other birds' songs?

Is it one of those?

Take a lot of points.
Come on, points.

You're absolutely right.

Mimicry.

Usually, you think a bird learns its
musical repertoire from its parents

and almost all birds do.

The marsh warbler doesn't,

because its parents stop singing
before it hatches.

It's got 31 European
and 45 African species

in their repertoire.

So, they sound like all the birds
of Africa and Europe to us.

And they can switch
from one to another...?

Yeah, because they're just imitating
all the different ones around them.

Do they have the own distinctive
one, or is just a composite?

No. You can never tell it's
a marsh warbler by listening.

We can hear one.

We might have a bird expert in
saying, "Ah, it is imitating the..."

If you got a marsh warbler in
and you just played it...

Taylor Swift or something,
would it start...?

Because that's your
go-to thing, is it?

I've got a marsh warbler,
I want to see what this can do.

Let's get some Taylor Swift...

Swift, oddly enough, great birdies.

Taylor Swallow.

No, you're going into
dangerous territory there.

Dear, oh, dear.

That's excellent.

"Taylor Swallow."

I'm going to play you
a bird song right now...

I had a dream about that
the other night.

No need. I'm going to
play you a bird song.

No need for that.

What's this?

"Help me. Help me!

"He's shaving me again."

So, we've got it over there.
"You can't park here."

That quite close, "Can't park."

Illegal item in the bagging area.
Morepork!

Got it. Morepork!
Morepork. Morepork.

There it is on the left.

It's also a Tasmanian owl
but it's called a morepork.

I thought you had just translated
what that meant. Yeah.

He said, "More pork." Correct.
He's asking for more pork.

He's asking for more pork. Yes.

And we've heard the marsh warbler.

The monotonous lark is so-called
cos it's monotonous.

A monotonous lark.

"Come on, we're going
on a monotonous lark."

"We're going on
a narrow-boat holiday in Norfolk."

THAT is a monotonous lark.

I went on one of those.

"Oh, that'll will be fun.
Let's go on a narrow-boat holiday,"

and everyone was taking turns
doing the engine.

Cut to a couple of miles later,

everyone downstairs drinking wine.
Me upstairs...

..for three days.

Three days like that...

"Do you want a glass of wine, Bill?"

"No, no, I'm fine up here.
I'll be fine."

Worst weekend of my life.

I just want you to know that nothing
involving Norfolk is ever monotonous.

The marabou stork... Oh, yeah.

..is often given the label,

"the ugliest bird
in the animal kingdom..."

That's not fair.
OK, name an uglier one.

All right. Don't make me say it.

No!

Edwina Currie. Oh!

Avian...

One of the reasons
it's considered so ugly is...

Edwina Currie, really?
I wouldn't have gone straight there.

It was a good choice, wasn't it? I
went through a couple. It was safer.

It was like you had it...

"Don't make me say it -
Edwina Currie."

And I DIDN'T make you say that.

The reason the marabou stork
is considered so ugly, perhaps,

is not just its appearance.
It's because of its behaviour.

It's peevish.

Well, it squirts its excrement
onto its legs,

such that... They are black,

but they become white because
they get dried on, caked on...

That's laziness, isn't it?

If Montgomery Burns, from
The Simpsons, was a bird...

That would be! You're right.
That would be it, yeah.

It dumps on its own leg...

Poo on my legs, excellent.

They'll eat just about
any creature, living or dead,

along with faeces, scraps, carrion,

human rubbish
including shoes and pieces of metal.

They're pretty dodgy creatures.

Marsh warblers just make it up
as they go along.

Now for a question about metamor...

What happened while I was reading...?

I had my back turned to you and
I was looking at the blackboard.

Honestly, sir. Nothing, sir.

No, sir, Davies showed me
a picture of a penis, sir.

He showed me that, sir. Sir, sir.

That is not a penis. Sir, sir, look
at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir.

I never drew a thing, sir.

What's wrong with his penis
if he draws one like that, sir?!

He drew a penis on the world.

He drew a penis on the world!

That's got...
That's illegal, isn't it?

Oh, Lord.

Now it's time to stumble blindly
into the morass of General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers. All right.

Where does a mosquito
go to concentrate?

Yes, Bill.

A blood bank.

Very good.

Library. Library? Oh, no, Sue!

Of course, the word "concentrate"
can mean different things

and we mean a concentrate...

Where's the greatest
concentration... Oh, I see.

..of mozzies? Where?

A marsh. Near rivers and things.

Yeah, well... Swamps. Where?

Africa?

Not Africa.

Scotland. Mediterranean.

Loads of midges in Scotland.

Midges, yes,
but these are mosquitoes.

Specifically mosquitoes. Portugal.

It's that quantity,
you don't get that in Africa,

you don't get that in...
Where's that?..Panama,

you don't get that
in south-east Asia.

You get that only in the Arctic.

Oh. The Arctic. Oh.

In Alaska and Manitoba.

Where there's virtually nothing
alive with no blood anywhere.

I've never seen...
I've been to Alaska lots

and never seen a mosquito.

Well, you have to be there at...
The right time.

Or wrong time, really, yeah.

There's the beauty that is Alaska,

and the standing pools of water

are perfect for mosquito breeding.

Yes, the densest concentrations
of mosquitoes in the world

are in the Arctic.

Including all the animals,

on average, how many legs
does an animal have?

What's the average number of legs
that animals have?

Oh, you... That's tough...
All living things.

..because you've got to balance...
Three!

..a millipede...

My guess is that most numbers
will be in the system.

I mean, there are billions
of things like ants, aren't there?

There are. Insects.
Gigantic. They have six.

That must bump the average right up.

There are huge numbers of mites
and they all have eight.

And then you've got millipedes
and centipedes.

But lots of them have none.
Worms have got none.

Stick with that thought. So, worms
have got no legs. Slugs have none.

One! One leg!

That's it.
That the closest we've got.

I'm afraid it's not...

Is it no legs?

Well, it's... 0.01 is the average.

Because there's that many worms.

Because... Is this cos of fish?

No, it's because of nematodes.

Oh.

Yeah, they're a sort of worm.

There are ten to the power of 22,

which is a vast number, on Earth.

What is that?!

100 times more than there are mites

and 1,000 times more than
there are insects.

There's a parasitic nematode
that lives in the human eye...

Oh! My God.

..and it can grow to
seven centimetres long,

which is... What?!..serious.

Wahey!

No, we don't want to see that.
Come on.

How can you tell if you've
got a nematode in your eye?

Would you feel it wriggling around?

Would it be wiggling...? Would
you see it moving, for example?

You'd hear it talking. If it's
like that, a friend would see it.

A friend would say, "Oh, just a sec
till I get the corner of my hanky,

"you've got an...
enormous worm in your eye!"

Yes. Hypocrite. First cast out
the nematode in your eye. Yes.

Judge not that you be not judged.

Yes, so many animals
are completely legless

that the overall average
is about 100th of a leg each.

Finally, a question about macropods.

How many legs does a kangaroo have?

Oh, don't say any numbers.

Don't say any numbers.

Do you know my favourite bit
in Toy Story?

Go on. It's the dinosaur that's
got little arms, right? Yeah.

And he doesn't want
to see something -

something terrible is
happening - and he goes,

"Somebody cover my eyes!"

That is a brilliant moment.

I love that bit.

Two. Two.

It won't be nought or four either.

"How many legs...?"

How many LEGS has it got?

Well, you won't like
this answer, but...

Simon Fraser University
in Burnaby, Canada,

corralled red kangaroos
through a chamber

which measured the downward forces.

They discovered that kangaroos
put their front legs on the ground

and move their back legs forwards

at the same time as they
push their tail onto the floor

and use it to propel
themselves forward.

The team found that
the amount of force from the tail

was as great as that from
the other four limbs combined...

So it's five?..making it
effectively a fifth leg,

so not just a fifth leg,
but the most important of the five.

Yeah.

It's a tail, though, isn't it?

It is a tail,
but it's a kind of limb.

Well, if you'd said limbs...

♪ Hey hey, we're the Monkees. ♪

Yes, sir? Five.

No, no, you can't have that.
No, he can't. He can't.

He can't have that.

Absolutely not.

Minus 5 for rank
standing impertinence.

The point is, you could cut off -
not that you should, obviously -

a kangaroo's forearms or arms

and it could get around
perfectly happily

and you could cut off
one of its rear legs and even

it could still hop and get around -

but if you cut off its tail,
it couldn't...

You'd be a sadistic bastard.

Which scientist
conducted that experiment?

Kangaroos have almost five legs
above average,

which brings me to,
miraculously, the scores.

Oh, no. Oh, dear.

Oh, my good night.

Well, nobody managed to push through
into a positive number, I'm afraid.

But our least successful
on minus 28...

Aww.

I know why, and it's...
Oh, Sue Perkins.

"I know why."

In third place, on minus 8,
is Romesh.

Oh, yes!

And please don't fall off
these dizzy heights.

Alan Davies on minus 3.

Pretty pleased with that.

And our super soaraway winner
on minus 1 is Bill Bailey.

So, it's goodnight from Romesh,
Sue, Bill, Alan and me.

You have been magnificent,
and I want you to stay that way.

Many thanks, and goodnight.