QI (2003–…): Season 13, Episode 10 - Meals - full transcript

Good evening, good evening,
good evening and welcome to QI.

Tonight we're making a meal of it
with a muster of master chefs.

On tonight's mouthwatering menu,
mincing his words, Phill Jupitus.

Mixing her metaphors, Cariad Lloyd.

Marinating in his own juices,
Dermot O'Leary.

And with a soggy bottom, Alan Davies.

So let's hear their buzzers.
Cariad goes...

♪ Food, glorious food. ♪

Nice. Phill goes...

♪ Hot sausage and mustard. ♪

Dermot goes...



# While we're in the mood

♪ Cold jelly and custard. ♪

And Alan goes...

So, what's missing from this menu?

Three tortoises.

Can you imagine the anal retentives
looking at that picture at home?

I just want to say "hare."

Welcome to our world, Cariad.

Thank you. The tortoises
and the hare, not, sadly.

That's 69 tortoises. 69 tortoises,

and the bitch ain't one.

That's what we were thinking of.
Is that a song?

I believe it's popular
in the hit parade right now.

You've had that on Radio 2,
I'm sure.



What do we know about tortoises?

They are old.

There's one that just died that
was around in George III's time.

Yes, there was. How would
you know if it was dead?

It belonged to Clive of India. Sorry?

You'd have to wait a few months
to be sure it's dead or just asleep.

Don't bury it, for God's sake.

Why do you think they have
such enormous shells?

They've got big TVs.

Lot of stuff. Lot of belongings.

That's the thing about getting old,
you look around and you think,

my God, look how much shit I've got.

If you're an agoraphobic tortoise.

Terrifying. It's better than being
a claustrophobic tortoise.

There's three in London Zoo
and the oldest is about 90...

Cos they live to about 150,
right? Oh, indeed.

And as Cariad said, even longer.

There's one that
lived at the time of Mozart

and it only died a few years ago.

Didn't Darwin's tortoise die
recently, or is he still around?

Well, interestingly,
there was a story

that Alan may remember of
Darwin and giant...?

Oh, yeah. Didn't they all get
eaten on the boat? Yeah.

They were so delicious,
that's the point.

Wouldn't it be brilliant
if The Origin Of Species

just halfway through
turned into a cookbook?

"I basically put it to you all,
members of the Royal Society,

"everything is bloody delicious."

Funnily enough, Darwin at Cambridge
was a member of a club

which specialised
in eating rare animals.

Oh. And he loved that. So he
obviously... So that is why he went?

For recipes. Well,
one of his interests was...

"Dear Diary, today I tasted
deli-cious dodo.

"Rare."

Well, to return to our question,
yes, these tortoises...

I was guiding you towards the idea
that they might have been delicious

because they are evidence
of the first ever human feast.

The first ever menu. Rather than
just eating, a real feast.

And there were 71 tortoises
consumed at this feast,

it would seem
from archaeological evidence.

So Alan said there were three
tortoises missing from that list.

In fact, there were two missing,
because it should have been 71

instead of 69, so you're going
to have to have a point for that.

Why not?

I'm plus one,
so I'm not going to speak again.

There was a female shaman's body
discovered

next to all these shells
and it seems there was a giant feast.

It was 12,000 years ago.

Seems just unfair, really.

You're basically born
with a wok on your back.

The original microwave meal.

The tortoise.

Just pierce the top.

It was 12,000 years ago, guys!
I wasn't there!

Too soon!

If it's anything like a micro meal,
you stab it lots of times.

Never sure how many they mean
when they say...

Have you got a set number you do?

Have you got a microwave? Yeah.
The idea of you at the microwave!

I had to do TV dramas where you...

"I was playing a rough type!"

My microwave annoys me, I used
to have one that just went ping,

that was fine. Ping - it's finished.
Simple.

Come and get it, don't get it,

whatever, we're
just letting you know.

Now we've got one that goes, beep,
beep, beep, beep...

As your food slowly reverses
out of the kitchen.

I wish it would!

I'm at the other end going,
"I know! In a minute!

"Sorry, the microwave
is pissing me off."

If we leave the fridge open, it
goes, beep, beep, beep, beep!

The washing machine is going,
"I'm finished! Beep, beep, beep!"

Oh, Jesus. It must be like living
with Kraftwerk.

Get them all synced up right.

These weren't microwaved,
were they, Stephen?

These were not microwaved.

They were roasted in their shells.

Alive, probably? Yeah. Heroes in
a half shell. Very sad.

Very sad.

Leonardo, Donatello...

Is that Splinter
at the bottom, then?

So, when might the first menu
have appeared?

When do you guess that archaeology
discovered the first actual menu

as opposed to signs of a feast?
Oh, the first menu?

The Chinese were the
first people, I thought.

They did discover one in ancient
Egypt. Oh, really?

And it was quite detailed.

It was the celebration feast
for two twins that had been born,

one of whom became Ramses I I,
so it was quite an important event.

This was a menu actually
not for the diners. For the camels.

No. Was it for the chefs?
Yeah, for the kitchens.

The first record that we have of a
menu for diners is actually French.

18th-century French menus,
they used to have,

where people could choose their food.

The oldest known feast was
turtle-y delicious!

That was the menu for the world's
first shared feast.

All right! Back off, you lot.

Tell me, why wouldn't you want
to share a meal with these men?

They'd kill you.

Looks like it.
As you can see they've got napkins.

That doesn't mean
they won't kill you! No, it doesn't.

Well, THEY wouldn't. The meal might.

One of these men invented Pringles!

Was it that one with the moustache?

"I have an idea for
a tubular-based potato snack.

"You laughed at my moustache.

"You won't laugh at my potato-based
tubular snack!"

See if you can place a date on this.

Er, '20s? Early '20s.

1910s. Closer.

1909. Closer still!

1908.

This guy's on fire!

It's between 1902 and 1906,
that picture. OK. Edwardians.

Yeah, Edwardian if it were English,
but it's not. Oh. Are they French?

Not even French. American?

The United States, yeah.

Was it the Americans who
introduced certain cutlery?

They have a word for cutlery.

They do use the word cutlery,
but in certain places in America,

they very rarely use cutlery.
They have another word for it.

Do you know what that is? Hands?

They call it flatware.

Where did they get the plastic
kettle from in the late 1900s?

Morphy Richards, suddenly.
Strangely popped in.

Something odd going on here.

There's a guy from Tefal's got
a TARDIS. He nips back in time.

Share a meal with this lot,
bad idea.

It's a bad idea. Are they cannibals?
Lethal foods.

They... Eat people! No.

They were paid in meals,

three meals a day was
their reward for eating...?

Food? Poison, or at least
eating additives

that could be considered dangerous.

It was the first move on the part of
the US Department of Agriculture

to codify the possibility
of additives being something

that you could regulate,
so they got these volunteers

who swiftly gained
the nickname "The Poison Club."

They ate some extraordinary things.

October 1902 to July 1903, they
experimented with eating borax.

Their Christmas menu was apple sauce,
borax, soup, borax,

turkey, borax, borax,
carrots, green beans,

sweet potatoes, white potatoes,
turnips, borax,

chipped beef, cream gravy,
cranberry sauce, celery, pickles,

rice pudding, milk, bread and butter,
tea, coffee, little borax.

They were well fed.

" I don't like borax! "

"You're having it! I 've told you,
it's Christmas,

"everyone's having borax!
Your dad likes it."

"And now Andy Williams with
A Very Borax Christmas."

Can you name something
that we use borax for today?

Is it an element?
Cleaning. Washing powder.

Cleaning, as a detergent,
but it's used as a fire retardant

and an antifungal compound.

Quite useful to have in
your system then, really?

Resistant to poison and flames.

That's true!

No record of any of them
actually dying but they were weighed

and their blood pressure was taken
and their pulse and everything else.

Until 1912, when they introduced
LD50 testing,

and then it all went tits-up.

And in 1906, Congress passed
a couple of acts,

the Meat Inspection Act
and the Pure Food And Drug Act,

which was to help with food, for the
first time, that's the point.

There you are, never accept a dinner
invitation from The Poison Squad.

Who likes to feast on a breakfast
menu of horse manure,

rancid pickled mudfish, Thai Boy
shrimp and Big Cock shrimp paste?

Vietnamese? This is items...

I got sent some Big Cock paste.

An Amazon order went terribly
wrong in your house.

It exists, Big Cock shrimp paste and
Thai Boy shrimp paste, both exist.

I'm married to a Norwegian,

and they eat a dish
all over Norway called lutefisk,

which is a jellified fish,
and it's cod, really,

but they bury it, I think,
then dry it out,

and then they served this for me,
my in-laws.

Those bastards!

They saw you coming, mate!
They saw you coming.

My mother-in-law made me
a fish pie, it was delicious.

So I ate this thing
and I did what we always do

when you don't like something
and you're round someone's house.

I just ate it really quickly,

at which point my
mother-in-law went,

"This is fantastic,
you must have some more."

And I finished and I thought,
I've got to be honest with them,

and I said at the end, "I'm really
sorry but I really don't like it."

They went, "We hate it, we're only
serving it because you're here."

That's Norwegian...

That's brilliant.

Well, it may be the case that that's
what this particular feaster

on these foods also thinks,

but it seems unlikely
because it's not human.

I was going to say, is it an animal?
It is a living creature.

Very beautiful. Flamingo.

Not a flamingo,
it's one you'd find in Britain.

In fact, it's in Britain that
it's offered this food.

Regularly, once a year as
a sort of tribute to its beauty.

Prince Philip.

Has it got four legs?

Six. Six legs.

Is it an ant?

It's not an ant, but it is definitely
an insect.

Is it a bee? No, but it's
a flying insect.

Is it a fly?

It has the word "fly" in
its family name.

Dragonfly. A butterfly.

A species of butterfly.

There it is.
A very beautiful butterfly.

It's a Purple Emperor.

A cock-hungry Purple Emperor.

Yes. "Settled on my bell-end."

Please! "At four o'clock
in the morning."

"I was out in the garden
the other day

"and I was admiring
a cock-hungry Purple Emperor

"on my red-hot poker."

"There was paste everywhere."

"The poor bugger couldn't take off."

Now, calm down.

Anyway, they live in the trees
high up,

so how do they know they have
a taste for all this?

Well, they've been observed midsummer
coming down from their usual

feeding areas high in the trees
and going for cowpats

and that sort of thing, and other
rotting and horrible things,

and so - because they are so admired
and particularly in Northamptonshire,

a little picnic is spread out
for them in midsummer

including rancid pickled mudfish, fox
guts, stinking Big Cock shrimp paste,

and Thai Boy shrimp paste,
and they seem to like this,

possibly because of
its sodium content.

No-one is quite sure
but it's a weird thing

if you find yourself midsummer in
Northamptonshire, follow the smell.

Lots of those beautiful animals.

In a forest, they lay this out,
did you say? In a clearing.

You could get into real trouble

if you go looking for
a dodgy smell in a forest.

If you go looking for the smell
of sodium and shrimp paste,

you might walk into something other
than a butterfly celebration.

I'm just saying.

Especially in Northamptonshire.

What are you implying, especially
in Northamptonshire?

Just suggesting.

That they indulge in butterfly
dogging, is that what you're saying?

Maybe.

Anyway, a beautiful animal,
the Purple Emperor butterfly.

Likes to start its today with rancid
pickled mudfish,

Thai Boy shrimp paste
and Big Cock shrimp paste.

Mmm.

What are you, 12?

Come on!

When will the phrase "Big Cock
shrimp paste" not be funny?

Never.

All right.

Speaking of mornings,
where's the worst place to be

if you're not a morning person?

Funeral.

Ah-ha!

You see, you know me well enough

to know that I say "moor-ning"
for that kind.

For so many things, love.

Erm...

Is this somewhere where it's morning
all the time or something like that?

Not quite all the time,
but you get a lot of mornings.

Some human beings have experienced
it. The Space Station.

Yes, the International Space Station.
Oh, very good, Dermot.

How many mornings do you think
you get in a 24-hour period?

It goes...
I did a show about it last year.

It goes 17,500 mph and it laps
the planet every 90 minutes.

Someone else do the maths!

Very good info. It's 15 mornings
you get in a 24-hour period. Wow.

An incredible astronaut
called Luca Parmitano,

who I interviewed last year,

almost drowned in his own space suit

because the cooling fluid started
leaking into his helmet.

And just as they said,

"Listen, we've got to get you back
into the air lock," which was...

You know,
he was on a five-hour spacewalk...

The sun went down like that.

And so he immediately was
just in pitch-black, pitch darkness.

He had to find his way all
the way through.

And I said to him,
"How weren't you panicking?"

He said, "It's just training."
You know it so well,

because they've got biggest
swimming pool in the world there

that they train on underwater,

and he said he was just able to feel
every part of the space station.

He knew exactly where he was.

That's absolutely wonderful.
It's a great story of survival.

The best ISS story they told me
when I was over there -

because the Russians
built half of it

and the Americans built half of it,

and so they had to link when it
got 250 miles above the Earth.

And...

Excuse me being crude,
but one half has to be the female

and one half has to be
the male, i.e...

And neither the Russians or the
Americans wanted to be the female.

Oh, pathetic!

Unbelievable, isn't it? Pathetic!

They had to redesign... So it did
a monkey grip? Yeah, pretty much.

Locked in like that.

Childish beyond belief!

Can they redesign everything to...?

We can all... That's just fine.
We can all just monkey grip.

That sounds great.

I was with Dermot as far as that,

but I didn't know what
the clock was.

I mean, I've not been putting
myself through 45 degrees.

Have I been making a mistake? Maybe.

That's why I've got two girls.

Didn't follow through.

When... I didn't carry on
till there was a click.

And here's some more that
Dermot may well know.

How do you brush your teeth in space?

I don't know.
You use a powder or something?

You brush them normally,
but afterwards, obviously,

you can't spit it out.

Swallow it? So you swallow it
or you spit it into a towel.

Showering?

Er, wet wipes. Wet wipes. Yeah,
can't do it. Exactly. Cat's lick.

Space wipes! You can put "space"
in front of everything.

Space wipes!

"Gotta use my space brush
and my space towel!"

It's like Glastonbury,
though. You can't...

You know, quite often you can't get
access to showers at Glastonbury,

so you just take a lot of wet wipes,

or a J cloth and some bleach.

It's called a cat's lick wash.

I like that. That's...a certain
East London... A cat's lick.

You get a flannel. Cat's lick.
You just do the bits that matter.

But they're quite keen on
organics at Glastonbury.

Do you think they have trained cats?

I'm sure they do.

And I'm sure those cats know how
to monkey grip as well.

I have a fact for you that I want you
to explain how this can be true,

and it is true.

The first British woman in space...

Sue Barker.

Helen Sharman, right.

Not just the first British woman
in space, the first Briton in space.

She came from Mars.

OK...

Is Mars a place in Northamptonshire?
No.

It's not. Slough?

That's where they make Mars Bars.

Yes, she worked for Mars before
she worked for the space agency.

She came from Mars.
So, she might have come from...

you know, Walkers crisps or
something, but she came from Mars.

In fact, she worked on the team
that created...

The Milky Way!
..Mars Bar ice cream.

That deserves going into space for.

And the way she became an astronaut
is entirely pleasing.

Competition winner.

She was driving along and she heard
on the radio, the car radio,

she heard an advert that just said,
"Astronauts wanted.

"No previous experience necessary."

And she applied and she got it and
she became the first Briton in space.

I think that's really fabulous.
I missed those adverts.

When did they play those adverts?

Now, from breakfast time
to teatime.

Name two things you can
get from a kangaroo's nipple.

Do you see? When I said "teatime,"
I said "teat time."

Yes. Clever, wasn't it?

I bet they don't lactate.
Oh, they do. Is it a trick?

No, they do lactate and that's what's
so interesting.

Castlemaine XXXX out of one,
Foster's out of the other.

They have little babies that are
born almost still foetuses.

Like little maggots, they're tiny
little wriggly things, called joeys.

And then they have to crawl
to the pouch of their own accord.

And the nipples are in the pouch.

But there might be a much older
brother or sister in there.

They can do something with their
eggs, can't they?

If they're nursing one joey,
they can hold off the egg...

No, actually. Quite the reverse,
they can have two joeys who are

completely different ages
and have different needs.

Yeah. That's the thing.
There they are. All these nipples.

And the nipples know whether
it is a young joey who needs

a kind of semi-skimmed milk,

which is not so very rich and strong
and thick, and there's the older joey

at another nipple, or even the same
nipple later on,

and it will know that it's an older
joey and give it a much thicker...

And that's a rather magical trick.

It's because of the power
of the suction.

The young ones don't suck so hard,

whereas when they really have a go,
which the older ones do, they get...

How do the scientists
find these things out?

What are they doing?

"I'm just popping off
down to the kangaroo enclosure

"for a bit of a suck."

"That's rich,
that's definitely rich."

"I'm going to suck quite
powerfully."

"I'm taking my younger brother.

"My younger brother is going
to suck a little bit less."

If you saw a kangaroo with a tiny,
tiny joey and a really big joey

both still suckling,

you would wonder if they needed
the same sort of proteinous drink.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind,
Stephen, to be honest.

I saw one once and
they're quite fun.

There was a little joey
and the tourists came round

in this wildlife park, and it got
a little bit spooked

so it bounded across to its mother
and just leapt in, headfirst.

Oh, they do that!

The mother went "Oof," like this,

and then it was stuck in the sack.
And you see the legs...

She was going, "Oh, for God's sake!"
Then his head came out.

You think the legs are going
to burst through.

How are they holding that?

A bin liner couldn't hold them.

Stronger than a bin liner.

That's the miracle
of kangaroo suckling.

Who do you think...?

I'm sorry.

This is the only show
where I hear sentences like that.

"That's the miracle of kangaroo
suckling. Next."

Which mammal has the most nipples?

Well... If I said it came from an
M-country, this being an M-series?

Someone from Madagascar. Is the
right answer. One of their monkeys?

A lemur? They don't have
monkeys in Madagascar.

They do have lemurs,
but it's not a lemur.

It is another kind of very small
mammal... The great-titted earthworm.

No... A shrew of some sort?

No, well, it's like a shrew

because they don't have shrews or
anything or hedgehogs,

but they have a class of mammal
that looks exactly like hedgehogs,

exactly... An echidna?

..that have evolved separately
and distinctly

and they're called tenrecs.

T- E- N- R- E-C. Amazing animals.

And this is obviously not
the hedgehog tenrec,

this is the one that boasts a really
bizarre number of nipples.

It's 29.

A prime number.
Maybe it's a mathematical...

Does it have large litters?
Do they have lots of babies?

They do have a lot of babies, yeah.

I don't think they have enough
to justify a whopping 29 nipples.

I'm going to give you
another little teaser.

When human mothers give suck
to their infants,

they are feeding two species.

Right?

So the baby is one of them. Yes.
One is a human child.

Bacteria? Very specifically,
it is the bacteria,

you may say it's feeding the baby
and then of course the bacteria,

but this is not feeding the baby,
it is only feeding the bacteria.

In human breast milk,
there are oligosaccharides

and these are indigestible
to human babies,

but they are adored by the bacteria
in the baby's tummy,

so they bypass the baby's system

to go to the stomach to feed
the healthy bacteria.

That's great. Isn't that pleasing?

It's rather nice.
See? Mothers, always giving.

Always. Always.

"Who else needs feeding?
The bacteria, fine! I'll do it!"

Perfect parasite.

"Well, why didn't you tell me
he was coming for dinner?

"I've only made enough..."

Who would like to see some milky
magic because I want to show you...

Stranger danger!

I wish I hadn't put it like that.

If a man says this to you in
a park, say no.

"Would you like
to see my milky magic?"

You know what I meant.

"Would you like to see
my milky magic?"

OK, I've got some... Mm!

Here we are... Lovely milky things.

Stop saying it!

Well, now, because here we are.

This is just the thing about milk,
there's never enough,

you always want more.

This is what happens when you get
to the clearing in Northamptonshire.

Bear with me. Here we have...

Here we have some milk.
What I'd like to do

is just transfer it along the way.

From smaller to larger
glasses, as you can see.

This will fill it about halfway up,
maybe, just checking the size.

Well, that fills it up completely.
That's weird.

That's all right, that's good,

because we've got more than
we started out with.... No!

Fast forward, fast forward.
With milk...

No! Got to have that, haven't you?

No! That makes sense.

And then see if we can get even more,
because what we're doing

is earning ourselves
lots and lots of milk.

Which has got to be good, surely.
There we are.

Can you do this with wine?

Oh, no! You're Jesus!

There. You like that?

It's quite pleasing, isn't it?

"And that's how we get the
European milk mountain."

Somehow you can find
much out of little

and that's maybe a lesson in life.

Redefines the second coming anyway.
Exactly.

Oh, what? Oh, no.

"And then Stephen
took a can of tuna,

"and lo, he did share it out
amongst the audience."

And that's how much we've now got,
out of nowhere.

Which is very pleasing.

There we are.

Well, from milk to meat...
Whoa, whoa, whoa,

aren't you going to
tell us how you did it?

Oh, Alan, you know well enough,
the milky magician never tells.

Disappointing. Oh, dear!

From milk to meat,
so for a meaty question now,

why did five Royalist men from Milton
fail to eat their own buttocks?

They were trying to?
Yes. That's the weird thing.

That's what that man has just
suggested in the corner.

"Guys, look. I think we should eat
our own buttocks."

And everyone's, "No."

That's what happened
in a pub in Milton.

Too painful for them?
Was it a dare, like a bet?

It wasn't a bet.
How did I describe...?

See how much they love the king?

Yes, I described them as Royalists

so that must mean they came from
the 17th century, Civil War time.

Just to stick it to Cromwell.
"Up yours, Cromwell." Cava-lee-ais?

They were Cavaliers, yes. They wanted
to toast the king's health.

And they wanted to show that
they were more loyal than

just about anyone else, so to hell
with beer, to hell with wine,

we're going to toast him
in our own blood,

and the best way to get a bit
of blood, you'd think,

is just to prick your thumb, but no.

Slice off their buttocks.

But why the bum? How does
the bum show you're loyal?

The biggest muscle, they thought
they'd have some to spare.

The Royal Fat-Arse Regiment,
I don't know.

They probably thought that it
wouldn't hurt too much,

but in fact what happens is they
sliced off a bit of butt cheek

and it bled profusely.
So profusely. It was shocking.

"Men, to the delicatessen.
Onto the slicer with you!"

Argh!

"To the king! Wow!"

As long as they didn't have any
salami, they'll be fine.

I think the idea was they sat
on a gridiron... Ooh!

..and a bit of buttock poked out
and they sliced off...

They must have been so pissed
when they came up with it.

You'd only even come up with it
if you were pissed.

They did that, the blood poured out,
and everyone got in a panic.

Their wives heard about it
and were furious.

"What's he done?"

"I'm feeding two species,
I haven't got time to pick him up!"

There was so much loss of blood,
the whole thing was a disaster.

We know about this... You think
they still talk about it,

Iike, "Oh, that day.
It was such a bad idea.

"From start to finish."
Cut to the pub the next day,

"The special today,
pork medallions."

Well, the village of Milton was in
Berkshire. It's now in Oxfordshire.

And we think the pub is the one
that now calls itself

the Plum Pudding, which is
rather appropriate somehow.

It was called
The Dog at the time of the event.

It's since been called the Red Lion
and the Admiral Benbow.

Yeah, during the Civil War,

five men from Milton got rather
cavalier with their own buttocks.

What's the most expensive
lump of meat in the world?

Royalist buttock.

Very rare. Very rare. Very rare!

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Good answer. He's pricey.

And meaty! Well pricey, well meaty.

Is it the Japan...? Ooh, you're
in the right part of the world.

Wagu beef? Type of...

It's not Kobe or Wagu beef,
although those are very expensive.

Supposedly massaged and fed on beer
and all that sort of thing.

No, this is a piece of art. Oh!

An ancient piece of art.

Qing Dynasty piece of art. Really?!
Yeah. A piece of meat

rendered in jasper. Wow. And there
it is. A piece of pork belly.

You can see the pork... Still looks
great, doesn't it? Yeah, it does.

I would eat that.

I really like pork belly and that...
That looks good.

It's nearly six centimetres tall,

and people come from all over
the place to see it.

It was recently shown in Japan,
where thousands a day came to see it.

When you go to the Far East,
they've always got models

of what you can order
in the window, haven't they? Yes.

Was this done for a restaurant?
Something like that? Maybe it was!

Maybe it was. "Yeah,
we got the pork in jasper this week.

"Would you like one of them?"

This one drew 84,000 people
for its reasonably short exhibition

in Japan, whereas the Qing Dynasty
jadeite cabbage drew even more.

And there it is. Wow.
People were fascinated by it.

That jacket at the back there.
What was she thinking?

"I like EGGS!"

It's in the National Palace Museum
in Taipei.

And there's the meat stone
and the jadeite cabbage both there,

and you can buy souvenirs
for your mobile phone.

Just in 2012, they sold over
a quarter of a million of them,

the museum.

Right, well, there you have it.
Jasper meat and jadeite cabbage.

I can't help wondering
whether it's supposed to be funny,

as an item - jadeite cabbage.

And so I got on the phone
to my friend, Jiang Kun,

who is China's most famous comedian,

and he flew over just to be here
to answer that question

with his daughter, Charlotte.

So, JK, where are you? Hello!
How are you? Nice to see you. Hi.

I really need to know,

and thank you for coming all
the way from China to answer this -

is jadeite cabbage funny in Chinese?

No.

That's answered that.

Well, there you have it.

I like difference in the world.

Now, onto the smorgasbord of smugness
that we call General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, if you please.

I'm going to say this quite fast
so listen carefully.

How much sugar in a sugar-free
Tic Tac?

♪ Custard. ♪

There's no sugar
in a sugar-free Tic Tac.

You'd done so well up to this point.

Is it sugar-free doesn't mean
there's no sugar, does it?

It does, but within certain limits

according to the Food and Drug
Administration.

One calorie.

A little bit.

It's pretty much all sugar,
but they're so small,

the law says that if it's only half
a gram of sugar it doesn't count

as sugar, it doesn't count
as anything.

According to their own website,
Tic Tac "registered trademark" mints

do contain sugar as listed
in the ingredients statement.

However, since the amount of sugar
per serving -

one mint is a serving...

Since the amount of sugar per
serving is less than half a gram,

FDA labelling requirements permit
the nutrition facts to state

that there are zero grams
of sugar per serving.

Unbelievable! And they wonder why
people get killed with hammers.

You're weird.

In America, sugar-free Tic Tacs
are pretty much all sugar.

When you lose weight,
where does most of the fat go?

♪ Mustard. ♪

You exhale it.

Is exactly the right answer.

Far and away, most of it.

Very impressed indeed.
I'm on the balloon diet.

I spend my time quite
light-headed most of the day.

We were going to forfeit you
had you said sweat, urine, faeces,

turns into muscle or energy,
or any of those things.

No, when you lose weight,
your body breaks down the fat cells

and metabolises the compounds
into triglycerides

which are made of carbon,
hydrogen and oxygen.

For every 10kg of fat lost
by your body, 8.4kg are breathed out.

The rest, about 1.6, is fatty water,
what they call fatty water,

which is excreted... Oh, dear.
..in urine and sweat.

Fatty water? Fatty water, yes.

He's a really good blues player,
isn't he?

Fatty Water, over here.

Yeah, when you lose weight,

most fat you lose comes out
of your mouth and nose.

What kind of bird does the Goliath
bird-eating spider consume?

Oh, God! Whoa! That should
have had a warning.

Whoa! That is fucking horrible.

The little furry animal! It's still
there. Still there. Still there.

Oh, my God!
There's a still image of one.

It's not moving any more.
Eyes on me.

Eyes on me, eyes on me.
It's all right, Phill.

It's OK. I'm all right.

That was naughty. What?!

Sorry.

What a pathetic reaction. I'd be
the same if not for all the therapy.

We should have...
No, it's not moving, so that's OK.

They're big - it must be said,
they are very big -

and they are called
Goliath bird-eating spiders.

But it's never eaten a bird
in its life?

Well, that one may not have done

because it's very, very rare
for them to eat birds.

It just so happens the person
who discovered it happened upon one

eating a hummingbird. And so called
it the bird-eating spider.

That's like in your family
when you do something once.

"Cariad always gets sick
on holiday."

You're like, "It was one time!"

Oh, Poland-invading Adolf!

"Once, I invade Poland!"

He was just eating the hummingbird,
just eating it,

and he was like, "Oh, no!
This is not what I normally do.

"What? No, stop writing that
name down! Stop it!

"I was just really hungry."

That's more or less the story of the
Goliath bird-eating hummingbird...

Er, hummingbird eating spider.

They live in South America
and they are a form of tarantula.

They will eat insects

and very small...

Oh, God!

Somebody help her!

Somebody help her, it's on her face
and she doesn't know!

Despite its name,

the Goliath bird-eating spider
usually just eats worms.

Alan. Hello. Let's bring this
to a beautiful conclusion.

Cariad has been bitten by a snake.

What's happening to me?!

This is not I'm A Celebrity!

What should you do?

Suck her.

In every sense, no.

You can't afford it, love!

Even when you've been bitten
by a cobra...

You're going to haggle prices.
Oh, yeah.

You'd soon drop your prices
once you've tried it.

Do you tourniquet it?

Not even a tourniquet.

Guys, I'm dying!
I've been bitten by a snake!

The spider's coming!

Stay still so it doesn't go round
your blood. Is that in there?

Well, if you're not near a car,
but drive her to a hospital.

Take the snake if you can.
Exactly, or a photograph of it.

I didn't say selfie!

It was sort of implicit
in the question

that Cariad and I were alone
somewhere.

Not on the M4 or something.

I had to take drastic actions,

despite her constant demands
for money.

Why am I on the M4 with you?
What happened to me beforehand?

You're going to Reading! Come on!

Where did we find a
venomous snake on the M4?

I suppose... Adder... An adder.

Very unlikely.
My dad got bitten by an adder

on the golf course.

How old is he?
My step-sister, who's a GP, said,

"No, that's just a scratch from a
bramble. It's not a snake bite."

And then his leg nearly came off.
It went black.

So, yeah, my aunt
went down to the golf club

and said "Are there
adders in the golf club?"

to the groundsman.
And he said, "Oh, yes.

"They've been reintroduced."

What sort of backward
thinking is that?!

"This is what
we haven't got enough of,

"venomous snakes in the long rough."

Well, it adds a little, because it
was getting too easy, that par-4.

The answer is if you do go somewhere
where you think there may be

venomous snakes, find out where
the nearest hospital is

that has antivenom, because that's
really the best thing you can have.

But in Britain it's going to be fine.
An adder is not going to kill.

I would still offer
to suck you, Cariad.

It's the right thing to do.

If your friend has been bitten
by a snake, all you need is car keys.

Any other course of action sucks.

Which brings us to the end
of our feast of questions,

and so all that's left for me
to do is to let you know... Ooh!

How the scores are doing.

They're doing rather wonderfully.

In first place with a magnificent
plus four,

wearing plus-fours,

is Phill Jupitus!

And with a very stunning score
of nothing,

wearing nothing -
oh, that doesn't work -

zero, Cariad!

It seems so unfair, because he had
the most information,

but third-place for
Dermot O'Leary with minus ten!

And a very respectable -
for Alan - minus 16!

So it's thank you from Cariad,
Phill, Dermot, Alan and me,

and I leave you
with this mealtime story

about rissoles.

Man goes into a restaurant
and looks at the menu

and says to the waiter, "I'll have
some pissoles, please."

And the waiter says,
"No, sir, that's an R."

He says, "Oh, I'll have some
R-soles then." Thank you.