QI (2003–…): Season 12, Episode 9 - Ladies and Gents - full transcript
Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening and welcome,
ladies and gentlemen, to QI,
where this week we're looking at
ladies and gentlemen.
And we have a pair of each.
A decorous Kathy Lette.
APPLAUSE
A distinguee Sue Perkins.
APPLAUSE
A dashing Ross Noble.
APPLAUSE
And a-dorable Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
So let's listen to the ladies.
Kathy goes...
♪ Three times a lady... ♪
Ah. And that's Lionel,
who has two Ls himself.
- And Sue goes... - It's also libellous.
- Yeah, libellous.
Sue goes...
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
And the feeling's right
♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night... ♪
And lo, the gentlemen.
Ross goes...
# I'm a man
♪ I spell M-A-N... ♪
LAUGHTER
Good blues harping.
- No, no, that was me
adjusting my dentures. - Oh, right.
And Alan goes...
# Boys and girls come out to play
♪ The moon is shining
as bright as day... ♪
Aw, that's sweet.
Now don't forget our L series
Spend A Penny joker.
JINGLE
FLUSHING
So, if you play your joker
because you think that
the answer to the question
is something to do with the
lavatory, you'll get extra points.
Right, now, ladies first.
Oh, you smoothie.
Oh! Why shouldn't you have the vote?
- LAUGHTER
- That's a nice way to
- start, isn't it?
Finally. Your true colours, Stephen.
Because we'll find out
the size of your election? No.
Hey, hey, very good.
You must be talking about, are you
talking about in suffragette days?
- What they... - Yes. - OK.
What were the reasons advanced
for women not being given the vote?
Well, I mean, it's
unnecessary, isn't it?
I imagine it was the aristocracy
that were the most fervently against.
Oddly enough, in the days of
the suffragette movement, possibly,
you could argue, it was socialists
who had the most objection.
Because the suffragette movement
only asked for votes
for property-owning women.
And the socialists regarded
that as deeply wrong.
Because they said, well, that
would just stuff parliament
- with even more bourgeoisie.
- We wouldn't want that. - Yeah.
And, in fact, a lot of the enemies
of the votes for women were...?
- Were women. - Were women, exactly.
- Yeah. - There you are.
These are the women against it
and they didn't want it.
It's the one behind going...
LAUGHTER
I'm late, I'm late!
- For a lobotomy. - Yeah, the one
behind has a hammer, which is
- obviously trying to suggest...
- Yes, she's off to perform a...
But there was sort of the
Stockholm Syndrome.
That they were brainwashed.
- They'd been brought up to
be decorative and demure. - Yeah.
And they had this idea
they had to be home
looking after the children
and being domesticated
and doing the home cooking.
- Home cooking, that place where
a husband thinks his wife is. - Yes.
So... And also I think they were,
the women who thought that way,
obviously they were also a bit
braindead because of the corsetry.
Their corsets were so tight,
it had cut off all
circulation to the brain.
Do you know where Constance Wilde,
Oscar Wilde's wife, comes into this?
- No. - She was a very,
very leading figure
in a movement which was a
precursor to Votes For Women,
which was called the
Rational Dress Society.
- Oh, yes. - Oh, right. - Yeah. - Yeah.
Women in Victorian eras,
as you say, were corseted
to within an inch of their life.
They could barely breathe.
And they wanted to loosen out.
And that's why they
would faint so often,
in hot dinners and parties
and things, balls.
But what you could do is,
as the blood was cut off,
you could turn them upside down...
LAUGHTER
- And then it would rush to their
legs... - And make an egg timer.
- And you could have a lovely egg.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- The three-minute lady. - Yeah.
And Constance Lloyd, then Wilde
as she was, very intelligent,
splendid woman,
she was one of the first to say,
well, we should wear
rational dress, you know.
Straight, loose clothing
that doesn't constrict us.
And that kind of was symbolic
of a wider constriction
that existed in society, in terms
of what they were allowed to do.
And it was a self-fulfilling
prophecy.
Because women were not in
engineering, were not in politics,
were not in anything
involving the colonial system...
Therefore it was said, well, but
they know nothing about politics.
They know nothing about...
Therefore they shouldn't vote.
But it's because they...
But there should have been
something, when she sort of,
you know, brought this up as
a thing, rational dress,
she should have gone,
"But in the future, leggings must
be approached with caution."
- LAUGHTER
That's the... - That's true. Yeah.
Because there are certain
people who, I think,
if you're not fighting crime -
no, thanks to the Spandex.
Well, look at Spanx. Spanx are back,
like corsets, aren't they?
- What are Spanx? - Oh, Spanx are
life-savers.
- They just move it around.
- What are Spanx?
It's basically anatomy roulette.
It's like, put them on,
who knows where it'll end up?
What is a Spanx?
They're these tight pants
that some women wear
to hold all their little
bits of flesh in.
But, honestly, they're
a contraceptive,
because once you get them on,
you can never get them off again.
But the best thing about
Spanx is, is if you go to a wedding
and at the start
of the night there's these,
loads of women just looking amazing,
then they get a few drinks in them,
have a bit of a dance
and then just boobs start
appearing in different places.
LAUGHTER
And you go,
"Have you got leg boobs?
"I didn't know you could
have leg boobs."
It does, it moves the boobs.
It just, whoa, there's one.
And then you, look, I've got,
I've got a side boob,
and then push that
and then boom, out there.
And you get a nice shoulder tit.
What, hey? Oh, oh, oh!
So what is it,
is this like a body tube?
- Yeah. - Yes. - Yeah. - Wow!
So, anyway, just to sort of sum up
what's happening here.
- Um...
- LAUGHTER
Are you referring to what's
happening in my Spanx right now?
The pro-suffrage movement was
divided against itself.
There was the suffragists,
who followed the Liberal Party,
and then there were the
suffragettes, as you can see there,
Mrs Pankhurst being the most famous,
and they believed in
smashing windows,
chaining themselves to railings,
and in the worst possible case,
Emily Davidson, deliberate
or not, throwing herself
- in front of the King's horse and
dying. - It looked pretty deliberate.
Although I don't suppose
she intended to die.
I think she intended
to stop the horse.
There's the saddest thing,
at the British Library
they've got her purse
and in her purse is a return ticket.
Which, was she... But was
she just being female and thinking,
"Oh, it's cheaper
to get the return"?
Presumably, I don't know if this is
true, but if, but pre-suffrage,
would women have been seen as sort
of goods and chattels?
So if they did something wrong, would
it then, would the husband be liable?
- What a fabulously good idea.
- No, no, they'd just be...
- Speaking as criminal stock,
you know. - They'd just be burned.
Well, burned is...
That's going a long way back.
They would be burnt or ducked.
Or tried as witch or
something like that.
But actually, Stephen,
I don't think...
It's amazing women got the vote,
it's amazing they went
out to protest.
Women weren't supposed to go
out without a chaperone.
If you did, you were seen
as a prostitute.
We're a couple of slappers
being here right now.
I suppose the most amazing thing
is those women who existed
before the vote,
who managed to achieve things.
The trouble is, you could name them
almost on the fingers
of a pair of hands,
the women who managed
to break through,
what was not a glass ceiling, but
basically a rock ceiling, you know.
Yeah, and they had crazy ideas.
There was one professor who said
that women shouldn't be educated
and shouldn't vote because it would
mean their brains would grow.
And if their brains grew,
- their wombs would shrink.
- They would vote for Nigel Farage.
And he based that evidence on the
fact that women who were educated
didn't have children, mainly
because we were smart enough
to know that, you know,
our careers would end.
He clearly didn't foresee the
Katie Price scenario then, did he?
Well, we seem to have
covered that very well.
The fact is, strange as
it seems to us today,
many women were
against votes for women.
When did women first get the vote in
Britain, do you know? Either of you?
- Either side? - '21. - '21?
1920, I think.
'20...
- KLAXON
- Oh, the '20s generally,
- I'm afraid, get the klaxon.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
It's actually rather surprising.
You may think, of course, they were
enfranchised, more or less
by the 1920s after the contribution
they clearly gave
to the First World War.
It was nigh on impossible to doubt
that they had earned the right.
But the first was in 1867.
The first woman to vote,
so far as we know,
in the entire United Kingdom, was
one Lily Maxwell in Manchester.
And she was a ratepayer.
And the law then was that ratepayers
were allowed to vote.
And it never occurred to the good
burghers of Manchester
that a female ratepayer would
take it up and vote
because there just wasn't a rule.
It's like saying rabbits
cannot vote.
And if a rabbit turned up and voted,
you'd say, "Oh, gosh, there's no law
"that says rabbits can't vote."
That's what it was like to
the Victorians. They closed that
loophole very quickly, but a few
women snuck in under the wire
and voted, 1867.
When did the law that prohibited
women from doing that come in?
- Very shortly afterwards?
- It was the following year, 1868.
- That is quick. They really stamped
that out. - And they burned them. - Yep.
Get on the pyre.
Is that fella there,
in the blue shirt,
is he wearing a false beard,
by any chance?
You can see the straps there.
That's a woman.
He's there going, "Yeah,
yeah, you can have the vote there!
"Don't tell anyone. I'm a woman."
Must be a woman because she's got
a box of chocolates next to her.
- We can't go to the polling station
without confectionery. - Absolutely.
Who said this?
"Nothing would induce me to vote
for giving women the franchise."
Said in 1905.
- Churchill. - Who? - I bet
it's a woman. - Churchill.
Is the right answer!
Yes, I'm afraid so.
Yes, he did say that.
He was not, let's face it,
the most liberal and progressive man
when it came to Empire
and things like that,
marvellous as he was in all
kinds of other ways.
So, "We will fight them on the
beaches" was originally something
- he said about women, he just
modified it. - We'll fight them
- on the bitches. Bitches!
ALAN: Supposedly, he did not say,
"Golf is a good walk spoiled."
- That was somebody else.
- Mark Twain, I've always heard.
Apparently not Mark Twain either.
It's what's known as
Churchillian drift.
It's all these witty remarks
get attributed to
people like Churchill, Noel Coward,
Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain...
- Stephen Fry. - George Bernard Shaw.
- It's always, like...
it's always the real highfalutin
one, isn't it,
the real amazing bits of wit that
then get attributed to somebody else.
- It's never, like,
Cannon and Ball, is it? - No!
I think it was Churchill
who once said,
"Oh, Tommy, you've got me skin."
IMPERSONATES: I've got my eye
on you! I've got my eye on you!
Rock on. Right.
I mean, that was Churchill,
wasn't it?
I believe it was...
Now, I've got some little toys
for you to play with.
- What would you use them for?
- Oh, hello.
You can have the blue one.
- Well... - Hello? Hello?
- It's an alarm key.
LOUD WHIRRING
Ah, you've pressed the button.
That's a very good start.
It's the world's worst rape alarm.
If you're wearing a microphone,
it sounds like a million voles
having a heart attack.
If you can hold them away
from the mics,
because you're sending
the audience mad.
- I can't turn it off! - No.
- Yes, you can. Just leave it.
It's a tiny stadium
audience in a box.
And you just go,
"Good evening, Wembley!"
It seems to be white noise.
- This is what it's trying
to do. - Oh, go on.
SOUND OF RUSHING WATER
That's just frightening.
Oh, that's better.
That's like a toilet.
- Yeah. - Why, is the word?
Why would you want to replicate
the sound of a flushing toilet
wherever you go?
More to the point, why has Stephen
got an app on his phone?
LAUGHTER
Because there is nothing I wouldn't
do to make things clear for you,
because of my love for you all.
Is it to make people urinate
after an operation or something?
Yes, it's not exactly
to make people urinate.
It's designed by the Japanese
for the Japanese.
Oh, to cover the sound of yourself
in the toilet, you put it on.
Yes, I bet that's it.
You could have played
your Spend A Pennies here.
- Oh, I could have done.
- Oh, we could.
It's to cover the noise of peeing.
Because Japanese are
traditionally rather pee-shy,
and it's called a Sound Princess.
- A Sound Princess!
- LAUGHTER
Oh, that's marvellous.
They're actually built into
some lavatories in Japan,
but these are the ones for
if you don't have a built-in one.
"This clever little key chain
gadget from Japan
"solves a real problem
for those that are shy,
"namely the embarrassing sounds of
our noises as we go to the bathroom.
"Push the button and 25 seconds
of continuous sounds
"of a running refilling toilet
permeate the room
"in a natural, unobtrusive way."
25 seconds!
It's just going to run out.
- 25 seconds is not going to do it.
- "Masking the sounds you make..."
It finishes and then you hear...
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
Yeah. Do they do another
one for sort of number twos,
- the sound of sort of an avalanche
or something? - You'd think so.
"Press it again, press it again."
RASPBERRY
Well, push the button again
for another 25 seconds of bliss.
"I've dropped it!"
RASPBERRY
You mean in the cubicles.
I thought you had to hang it
off your downstairs.
Oh, no!
And then you're stood at
the urinal, just weeing.
The fella next to you hears.
"Why is there cheering
coming from the...?"
"We will rock you!"
Imagine that
whacking off your plums.
It comes in three
colour-ways. We've got two.
"It comes pink with
a cute little heart,
"for the inner girl in every woman."
- But this is... I don't want...
- Do you have an inner girl?
- Well, not with that in it, no.
- No, you don't. - No.
- "Baby blue with a ribbon for that
free and fresh feeling." - Yeah.
"And a white Save The Earth unisex
model for both men and women."
But it's an Eco Otome,
because it saves you having to flush
the loo to disguise your noise.
So you're saving water, in theory.
Why don't you just
go into the cubicle, close the door,
you hear somebody come in,
just go, "Brace yourself!"
He'll go, "Oh, no,
I'm not having this." And leave.
But also the sound of that,
you turn that on and you hear...
MAKES FAINT GROWLING NOISE
The person - it's Japan, isn't it -
what's the first thing
they're going to think of?
"Hang on, I can hear Godzilla."
Another person might be
halfway through their business.
"Oh, my God, Godzilla's here."
And then runs out.
The floor gets slippy,
they fly over, smash their head,
and it leads to all kinds of...
It's a health and safety nightmare.
This should be banned.
It should be off the shelves.
I'm writing to Watchdog.
I took my children to the
toilet today...
- Yes? - They're 18 and 19.
And we all went in, we were all
in a cubicle together.
- They're two and four. - Right.
And then someone went into the
next door cubicle and started
going about some, obviously some
quite serious business.
After about four minutes of this,
my little girl started saying,
"Oh, oh, that stinks!
"Oh, that's terrible!
It's really smelly in here! Oh!
"That's awful!"
- If only you'd had this! - Princess
poo! - If only you'd had your princess.
And I could hear the person
in the next cubicle laughing.
Where was the loo?
The O2 Centre on the Finchley Road.
- Oh, no. - Oh, look, was it you?
It was me. I know the very one.
Well, there's only one other thing
that's vaguely connected to this,
and that's the architect, Sir Edmund
Beckett, the 1st Baron Grimthorpe,
and he was considered the best
locksmith of the century.
And he hated it when people didn't
pull the flush in his lavatory.
So he set it up such that
if you went into his loo
and locked the door, then if you
didn't flush, you couldn't get out.
It was locked.
Only when you flushed
did it unlock the door.
- Isn't that brilliant?
- That is quite brilliant. - Yeah.
And maybe, for the ladies' sake,
it would be the same
if you lifted the seat or
lowered it, rather than lifted it.
Which is it you like?
I always forget.
- Well, we like it where you do
the wee in the hole bit. - Oh, really?
- As opposed to all the way round.
- That never occurred to me.
Just the rest of the toilet,
anywhere in the rest of the toilet.
It takes all the fun out of it.
I suppose we could try that,
couldn't we?
The difference between the sexes
here is that men seem to think
sitting on the toilet
is a leisure activity,
- which women just don't get that, do
we? - No, you're quite quick about it.
Yes. Who wants to stay in there?
Well, maybes if you weren't outside
the door giving it all that...
- Well now... - I am joking.
I am joking. I am joking.
Of course you are.
Who made the ladies' toilet,
was it George Bernard Shaw?
I think he definitely was the one
who pushed for it, as it were.
Because they'd previously...
Previously there'd been lots of
public conveniences for men,
but never for women, because it was
thought rather... Women didn't wee.
..inappropriate for women to go,
you know, outside their own home.
Well, the building of theatres
in the 19th century
did not take women
into account, did it?
And to this day, you can see it
at the intervals of plays,
women are having to queue up,
while men are just peeing
all over the place.
Just one bog and a tannoy bellowing,
- "You've got one minute till the..."
You know. - Minute to go, yeah.
Till View From A Bridge starts
and you've got a bladder
the size of a spaceship
and then you just do it
on the seat and cry.
And go home with a wet bottom
on the night bus.
- LAUGHTER
I imagine. - Aw!
That's the title
of your autobiography already,
- Wet Bottom on the Night Bus. - Wet
Bottom on the Night Bus. - I love it.
Anyway, next question.
What can you catch
from a lavatory seat?
A tennis ball.
If you position it right,
so that they're just serving
through a slightly open window.
- Yeah, you can just get it. - Very good.
- Lob it through. Nothing.
- Nothing? No, that's not right.
- KLAXON
It's so not right, you get a klaxon.
Something.
- Everything. - Not good enough.
Everything is not right either.
There are quite a few diseases.
Gonorrhoea.
- Um... - Syphilis.
Is it the crabs?
Is it the tiny crabs?
Well, there are a number that
are very much known to be caught.
- Hepatitis, dysentery, fungal
infections, puerperal fever. - Ugh!
Viral gastro-enteritis,
but the only way you catch it
from the loo seat
is from the loo seat to your hand
- to what is nicely known
as a "soft entry point." - Oh.
Which tends to be the nose
or the mouth.
So as long as you wash your hands,
you're perfectly safe.
You don't get it through
the thighs and bottom.
- Yes, that would be weird.
- That would be weird.
Surely the bottom is something
of a soft entrance, isn't it?
It is, but unless you're doing
it very, very wrong,
it should be hovering over
a nice hole in-between the seat.
Well, you just stand up. I tend to
slide off onto the floor like that.
Do you? Well, I advise you
from now on not to.
That is why they have
a gap under the door.
- Just so your feet can go through.
- No, what I do, what I do is...
That's brilliant. So you
leave all your doings,
and then get out with
the door locked.
- What's happened here? - Yes.
So somebody goes, "Oh, my God,
he didn't even flush it."
"I don't need to flush it.
"It will not unlock the door."
Whoosh! Like that.
In fact sometimes,
if you time it right...
Don't you catch your testicles,
as they go under?
No, no, it's a sort of a reverse
limbo, you pull them in like a sumo.
Oh, right, OK.
But what you do is,
you time it right so that
when the fella or the lady
is mopping the floor,
I slip out from under the door,
it's like the curling, like that.
And then somebody opens
the door, all the way down,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine."
And then as you're moving,
it pulls your trousers up.
- Superb. - KATHY: That should be an
Olympic category, I think.
- It should be an Olympic category,
that is superb. - Yeah, excellent.
Never do it on the ice though,
never on the ice.
- No. - Never. - Those of us who use
lavatories in a more,
- shall we say, normal...
- Conventional.
..usual, conventional way,
tend not to do that.
We tend to keep the soft entry
points of our bottoms...
That is why I'm riddled
with disease.
- Yes. - Riddled, riddled with disease.
That would explain it.
Yeah, absolutely.
But who was responsible for
the myth that you can catch
sexually transmitted diseases
from lavatory seats?
It's, erm, Brian Blessed. Brian.
- "Yes!" "Oh, you can!"
- "No, I don't think... No, no, no."
"My soft entrance has been violated!
"Yes! I can't believe it!"
"It's hairier than the rest of me."
- So who put it about?
- My grandmother, I think.
Your grandmother may have...
Would it be a pharmaceutical company
with profits to be made?
No, it's actually doctors. Doctors
suggested that you could catch it.
I love that show.
They suggested you could catch
it from lavatory seats.
- There's something very, very wrong
with that torso. - There is.
- I think she's past hope.
- Is it a she or a he?
It's very hard to tell.
Your problem is...
It's Tilda Swinton.
It's beautiful Tilda Swinton
with gangrene of the upper rib.
Yeah.
"Your head is much too small
for your body."
That's not a usual... It's not
a usual soft opening part,
that he's poking his tube into.
I don't know what...
He's draining it, presumably.
He's harvesting tit juice.
- All right. He's harvesting tit
juice. - Gangrenous tit juice.
No, it was doctors. Doctors
suggested it because they thought
it would make more people
come forward with STDs,
because they would be less
embarrassed to say they caught it
from a lavatory seat than
- that they caught it from a whore,
strumpet, harlot. - Sex worker.
- Or parent. - Puttanesco.
Or parent. Parent?!
Don't make me repeat things
without thinking. It's all wrong.
This is a thing that's
happened to me.
- I'll share, cos I feel I'm
amongst friends. - All right.
I went to the doctor,
had terrible, like a sort of a...
- It was almost like welts...
- Did you say whelks? - Welts.
- Welts. Not whelks. - It was a red...
- No, welts with a T, not with a K.
I thought you said whelks,
as in cockles and...
There was... You know, whelks.
I was bothered by Cockneys.
And all the time
I had chimney sweeps around me,
I was batting them off.
"Feed the birds."
Went to the doctor and I thought,
I've got some sort of...
MUMBLES: ..sexually
transmitted disease.
Went into the doctor,
he went, "Pants are too tight."
That's what he said.
- He said "Your pants are too tight."
- You had your Spanx on. - Just had...
So you were kidding yourself
that you were a medium
and in fact you were
an extra, extra large.
I've done it, I've been there. Yeah.
And you do get welts, you get
awful webbing marks, you get...
- Webbing? - Yeah, well, the...
You know, the webbing of the...
You need to just loosen that
banana hammock and let it fly.
I got the larger...
I went for the larger pant,
- and since, trouble-free.
- It's been simple. Yeah, I know.
What a wonderful, wonderful thing.
So, there you are.
So, there you are. Now,
here's one for the gentlemen.
How could your mother-in-law help
you run things at tiny bit better?
Well, my mother-in-law...
There's a rather classy
version of Deal Or No Deal going on.
- It's the picnic special.
- The wicker version. Exactly.
Fortnum and Mason Deal or no Deal.
"Oh, chutney."
It's a hell of an episode of
Blind Date as well.
"Who'd date number one?
The older lady..."
They look like they've just
emerged from them.
Put them back in them.
Anyway, they're two daughters-in-law
with their mother-in-law,
- but that's just an example,
obviously. - Run things? - Yes.
- Talk about running things, I mean
runs companies and things. - CEOs.
CEOs is exactly
what we're after, actually.
A study of 6,753 deaths among CEOs
and their families found they caused
a statistically significant
and economically large decline
in the profitability
of their companies.
But there was one exception.
The death of a CEO's mother-in-law
led to a positive
effect on performance.
You're now advocating that
mother-in-laws of successful CEOs
should do the decent thing,
ladies, and top yourselves.
It was marked as positive
but statistically insignificant,
which makes it rather,
sort of, peculiar.
But there is one feature
that CEOs should have in America,
which WILL make them
the more successful.
- Do you know what that is?
- A face. Is it a face?
It's not a face, but it is physical.
It's rather good news for me.
- Height. - Height is the answer.
Height is more important
than race, sex,
or ability when it comes to CEOs.
Only 14.5% of US men
are over six foot.
But 58% of CEOs are.
Which is going to piss on
Janette Krankie's attempt to lead.
You'd think it'd be
a towering intellect they'd need.
I always think the only important
organ in a man is the big,
throbbing organ between the ears.
The only place
where size does count.
- Stephen has a big throbbing organ.
- Bless you, darling.
And, in the US, there's also
the issue of the pay differential
between large company CEOs
and their average employees.
But the fact that I haven't yet
given you is that CEOs anyway,
no matter how much they're paid,
have absolutely no effect
on the performance of a company.
So the idea that they are worth
what they're paid,
which apparently
only applies to them
and not to average workers anyway,
is complete nonsense.
And there are perfect examples
of this which I can give you.
A report in 2013 found
that during the years 1993-2012,
40% of the highest paid CEOs
in the US had either
had their companies bailed out
by the taxpayer,
or had their companies charged with
fraudulent activity,
or been fired for poor performance,
or overseen the death
of their companies.
These are people
paid millions a year.
So the fact is, 40% of them have
been shown to have
a disastrous effect
on their companies.
In the UK, women get 58p
for every pound that men get.
I know. 100 years since
Emmeline Pankhurst tied herself
- to the railings, and we still don't
have equal pay. - She never called for
equal pay, of course.
That only arrived in the '70s.
Should we do a riot? Let's do a riot.
- Do a riot. - Do a riot. There's three
people that are ready to take arms.
So, the death of the CEO's
mother-in-law helps businesses
a little bit. Now, staying
with lady relatives for a moment,
can you finish these real
suggestions from agony aunts?
Here they are.
"There is no more harm
in a kiss than...?"
Shaving a monkey
and pretending it's a woman.
I don't know where that's
coming from or where it's going.
Sorry. Sorry, I'm so sorry.
Is it the common cold?
It's actually a loaded revolver.
It's from Ally Sloper's
Half Holiday of 1911.
Next one. "Kidney troubles, coughs,
colds, toothache and neuralgia,
"diarrhoea and stomach catarrh
are frequently brought on by...?"
- Kissing? - Exposing one
of your soft entrances.
In a public convenience.
I tell you, it's true.
"Kidney troubles, coughs, colds,
toothache and neuralgia, diarrhoea
"and stomach catarrh are frequently
brought on by...paddling, rowing."
Paddling is the right answer!
Yes. Bizarrely.
It's Mother and Home, 1910.
And finally, "If your friend
is too fat, she should..."
- Only be seen...
- Try presenting Bake Off.
KLAXON
Ta-dum, boom!
Well, well, we...
Should not live in glass houses.
This is a very strange 1928
cure for obesity, which is,
"She should try doing
rolling exercises on the floor."
For the amusement of the family.
The world's first agony aunt was
actually a man.
He was called John Dunton.
He started a twice weekly periodical
called the Athenian Gazette...
How could a man with hair
like that give advice to anybody?
Everybody had a perruque in
those days.
- What kind of advice did the agony
aunts give? - Quite interesting.
- Mostly literary, political,
scientific or religious.
- "Never bathe."
He got a letter from a lady
and he was rather surprised.
She asked
if she could submit questions.
This led to a spin-off,
"Reasonable questions sent in to
us by the fair sex,"
and the spin-off was called the
Ladies' Mercury, not surprisingly.
the first women's magazine.
Yeah! Its mission was "to answer all
most nice and curious questions
"concerning love, marriage,
behaviour, dress and humour
of the female sex,
"whether virgins, wives or widows."
- Is there any other type?
- LAUGHTER
There are no other types. Stephen,
no lady will ever touch you or
hurt you.
It only lasted a month
but things would never be the same.
He was asked at one point by a
woman saying she was lonely,
he advised her to go down to the
docks and find a randy sailor.
He didn't use the word "randy",
but said there would be sailors
aplenty to oblige her.
Another asked for "the opinions you
have met concerning the capricious
"and extravagant humours of women."
And he replied,
"The word 'capricious'
is used to signify the extravagant
"humours of most women,
because there is no animal
- "they resemble more than a goat."
- LAUGHTER
Which is pretty odd,
because he actually dressed up
as a woman to avoid tax and debt.
- Yeah. - Gary Barlow didn't think
of that one!
- No! - Did he look like a goat
when he dressed up as a woman?
"How shall I do it? They look like
this, don't they?"
Horns, four hooves
and going up a mountain.
But that's fascinating that he
gave such ribald advice.
in Victorian times agony aunts
were dipped in penicillin.
Telling her to go down
and look for a sailor...
A horny sailor who just
wants anything with a hole
and a heartbeat, is quite...
It's very impressive.
- That's the second volume of my
autobiography. - A Hole And A Heart.
- LAUGHTER
They're all collected in a book,
Never Kiss A Man In A Canoe,
Words of Wisdom From The Golden Age
Of Agony Aunts, by Tanith Carey.
Who's collected them
all for your pleasure and enjoyment.
So now let's man the lifeboats.
What was the seventh most
common cause of death among German
submariners in World War I?
Was it banging their heads on
low doorways?
Bulkheads, I believe
they are called.
- Being shot? - Shot, yes, kind of,
but shot in a particular way.
Can I do one? I think toilets,
the water coming in
rather than flushing out, maybe.
How ironic to die of an overflowing
toilet in a submarine!
- Being fired out of a torpedo tube?
- Friendly fire.
Well, not friendly fire.
Very unfriendly fire and deeply
unsporting unfriendly fire.
Soft tissue access,
so communicable diseases...
No, I'll tell you what it is.
The Germans, who were very
sporting and gentlemanly,
they used protocols which meant
that if they
approached a merchantman,
in other words, not a warship,
what they would do is
rise to the surface
and they would give an opportunity
for everyone on board to
get into the lifeboat
and sail away to safety.
Then they would sink the ship
and its supplies, because that was
a legitimate war target.
So the Royal Navy got these
ships that they disguised as
merchant ships
and they got their sailors to dress
up in drag and walk up and down
as if they were women...
- Like goats! - As if they were
perfectly natural civilians,
and the German U-boat would
approach and call out and say,
"Man your lifeboats!"
The captain of the boat would pull
a lever, reveal all the weapons
and shoot down and destroy
the U-boat.
- And it was mean. - That's not
the Marquess of Queensbury!
- It's not cricket.
So did they learn their lesson
and perhaps disguise themselves
as a hen party, a sort of...?
They should have done,
but 14 German submarines
were felled that way,
making cross-dressing
sailors the seventh leading cause.
- That's hilarious! - Amazing, isn't it?
In 1927, HMS M2 was the very
first submarine to carry aeroplanes.
- Carry aeroplanes? - Yeah.
- Not only carry them, but they had
a deck. - A slightly flawed plan.
Yeah, obviously they would only
allow them to land and take off when
they'd risen to the surface.
A small, specially designed seaplane
took off next to the sub
and could be winched aboard and
stowed in the hangar.
Unfortunately they once opened the
hangar too early and the whole thing
was sunk. Very sad.
Now, ladies, you should be
covering your ears, because you're
very sensitive, I know.
Can you name an Anglo-Saxon
swearword?
- BLEEP. - I would say... - Oh.
- KLAXON
That's...
We've covered all bases there.
In for a penny.
BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP...!
KLAXON CONTINUES
- Knob-gobbler. - Knob-gobbler?!
Knob-gobbler is Anglo-Saxon.
It's also a delightful wading bird.
The amount of times Bill Oddie's
gone after a knob-gobbler on the...
He does spend a lot of time
on Hampstead Heath,
it's certainly true.
That's where he comes from.
Yeah. "Ooh, look at the plumage
on that knob-gobbler."
- This isn't rude, it's a type of...
- No. - It's a type of bird.
You know, who wouldn't want
to stroke a knob-gobbler?
But no, you see the fact is,
we have no knowledge whatsoever
of Anglo-Saxons swearing,
because the only Saxons
we know of are those who wrote.
And those who wrote were in Holy
Orders, and tended not to swear.
And didn't swear, of course.
- But we have no evidence for them.
- There must have been swear words.
But we do know that Vikings swore,
because we actually know,
there's a particular word,
and this is rassragr.
It's such an appalling word that
if one Viking called
another Viking rassragr,
the Viking who was called it
- would be entitled to kill the man
who called him that. - Gosh!
And indeed, if he didn't try
and kill him,
he would be expelled
from the community
and indeed be proved
to be a rassragr.
- I've been told what rassragr means,
but I just cannot tell you. - Aw!
- Is it... - I just can't.
- Rassragr. - Rassragr. - Rassragr.
- Is it to do with colouring?
- I just can't.
- Russet beard or something? - My mind
has got the idea of it in its head
- and I will never be the same.
- He must tell us!
- I don't know what it means. - We all
want to know, right? - Rassragr.
Anyway, the fact is, there are
no known Anglo-Saxon swear words,
in the sense that Anglo-Saxon
peoples use them.
It's time for a maths test
and it's ladies versus gents.
Which team will let itself down?
- Oh, lord. - What happened to our
faces?
- You're eating your thumb.
- Disturbing, isn't it? Which team
- will let itself down?
If it's the pair of us, we will
lose because I'm really bad
at maths.
- Because women are always told
that that's ten inches.
- LAUGHTER
- That isn't ten inches?
- Exactly, yeah.
And also, on our team
the little boy at the back has
had a severe head injury.
LAUGHTER
Look at him, he's concussed.
He's sat there going, "I can do
maths but I've been smashed in
the face with a ruler."
- This is a gender fulfilling...
- It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Because women are told we are bad
at maths.
And we did it - we said,
"We'll never be able to do it
because we are rubbish."
Indeed, yes. and it's been
tested because there is
a general feeling
that seems to be,
again, self fulfilling,
that Asian people are very good
at maths.
So if you take a group of
Asian women and say,
"You're women and you're going to do
a maths test
"and the men are going to do a
maths test," they tend to get 60%.
And then you take a group of Asian
women and say, "You're Asian
"and you're playing against a group
of European men,"
they tend to get,
at the same level of difficulty,
80% or 90%. So it's really about
being told what you are,
and the very fact that you're told
you're a woman makes you think,
"Oh, God, I'm no good at this."
And your self-esteem is lower than
Lady Gaga's bikini line.
I'm rubbish at maths, but when I go,
"You're an Asian woman," boom!
Brilliant, honestly.
I'm on Countdown next week.
Now, some might say that's
borderline racist,
what I've got planned,
but I'm going to win,
that's all that matters.
It's about tribal affiliations.
So if you are oriented to affiliate
with a more successful...
You could be a woman or you could be
a redhead or a European or
an Antipodean or whatever,
so you find the right one.
Similarly, some retailers have
tried to make their toy displays
gender neutral, but they have a toy
tool box and a toy handbag
and one is blue
and the other is pink!
How is that in any way neutral?
Lego has a pink brick box.
"It has everything young girls need
to create a world of building fun."
- And it includes a female mini
figure. - A mini finger? - Mini figure!
LAUGHTER
Just a slightly smaller version
of your own finger.
"This is a shit gift.
"I've got five and now I've just got
a really small one."
OK. Women who are reminded they are
women do worse at maths.
And now hold your horses, ladies,
fingers on buzzers, gentlemen,
because it's time for a bit
of General Ignorance.
- Right, what did Lady Godiva do?
- # A lady... #
- Yes? - Well, of course she rode
naked through the town,
because she wanted to... I forget,
what was it she was doing it for?
- She had... She wanted... No.
- KLAXON
- Whoa. - No.
No, which town was it that she
didn't ride naked through?
- Birmingham, I think.
- Birmingham! No.
Coventry is the one that
people suppose that she...
- She owned Coventry, interestingly.
- Did she? - Yes, she owned it.
And the first story of her riding
naked is the early 13th century,
but actually, that's some
200 years after she lived.
And this story was a fellow
called Roger of Wendover,
who was a notoriously unreliable
purveyor of anecdotes and gossip.
In fact, the story that he gave
was that her husband,
who was the Earl of Mercia,
had put large taxes on
the citizens of Coventry,
and she thought this was unfair,
and she said, "You must get rid
of these taxes."
He said, "I'll do it if you
ride naked through Coventry."
And so she thought, "All right,
"I like the people
of Coventry, I'll ride naked."
And they all obediently
closed their eyes.
But there's no evidence for any of
this. All this is later.
Do you think that would work today
if we suggested that
to Boris Johnson,
if we rode naked through the town,
we could stop paying our taxes?
To bicycle on a Boris bike
through the streets of London.
- Yeah. - Yes, naked.
Yeah. The story of Lady Godiva
is horseshit, frankly.
So what did Mary Magdalene
do for a living?
Mary Magdalene,
what did she do for a living?
- Ah... - Oh. - Are we? Do we dare?
♪ Ladies' night... ♪
I just want to hear that again,
- because I am so in the
groove with that shit. - Yay.
She was a...
- DUTCH ACCENT: Sex worker.
- A sex worker, a prostitute?
- KLAXON
We call them sex workers now.
Sex workers.
They are called sex workers.
The sex workers, like prostitutes.
No. In as much as we know
anything about her,
or anything about anybody
in the "Bibble".
- She's got jaundice, that's what we
know about her. - Well, that's true.
I think we've taken faces
from some sort of Sienese school
rendering of her.
But she's mentioned in each
of the four Gospels, Mary Magdalene.
And not one of them says she was
a prostitute or even a sinner.
All you need to do is
to have sex once.
If you're a girl, then you are
a prostitute.
It did say that she spent a lot of
time on the docks, wink, wink.
At some point she became
confused with two other women
in the Bible -
Mary, the sister of Martha
and the unnamed sinner
from Luke's Gospital, chapter...
Gospital?!
Gospel, both of whom washed Jesus'
feet with hair, if you remember.
That's the third chapter of
your book, The Unnamed Sinner
From Luke's Gospel.
In the sixth century,
Pope Gregory the Great made this
confusion official by declaring
in a sermon that these three
characters were the same person.
This remained the official
line for over 1,000 years
until the Catholic church finally
ruled that Mary Magdalene
was not the penitent sinner in 1969.
And the whole world went, "Ooh!"
Oh, I've been calling her
a slag for 2,000 years.
Can I just ask, right?
I'm no art historian,
but why is there a severed baby's
head with no body attached, just...?
It's like a flying tray
with a head on it, isn't it?
Just the wing ears.
You will get these in baroque
paintings, putti, as they're called.
It... But how do
we know that that is a cherub
and not just, like,
a fat-faced bird?
That's a knob-gobbler,
that's what that is.
Well, it's...
The Baroque did go rather crazy,
and there's no real excuse for it.
It's overdone, to say the least.
But the one thing that we know
about Mary Magdalene
is that she wasn't a prostitute.
- What happens nine months
after a blackout? - Ah.
♪ A lady... ♪
Many, many babies.
- Ah... - No, no...
- KLAXON
- Oh, you've been doing so well. - Aw.
Is it the power company finally
give you the cheque for a refund?
- That's probably right. - Yeah.
- Yes, you finally get your refund.
No, there is no evidence, although
it is a commonly held belief,
absolutely no evidence
whatsoever from demographers
and other such people
that this is true.
There was a famous 1965 blackout
in New York and everybody said,
nine months later, including
the New York Times,
that there was a sharp
increase of births.
But they then, after it was proved
to be inaccurate,
issued an acknowledgment that
they had made a mistake.
I mean, lights do go out every night.
I mean, it's not like we're
permanently in sort of spotlights.
- Precisely, exactly. No. - And so
it's such a rare thing we go,
- "God, the lights are finally off.
We can have sex!" - Exactly.
"Oh, telly's not working.
Go on, then."
I always go to the main fuse box.
"Sorry, love."
"Our leccy's gone."
- That's your foreplay, is it?
- Clever, clever, clever. - Yeah.
No, there is no evidence that people
have more sex during a power cut.
So, not with a boom, but a whimper,
we come to the scores.
- Oh, my good night.
- HE CHUCKLES
Well, we're going to start in last
place, and I'm sorry to say,
because of her filthy mouth,
in last place with minus 48,
- it's Sue Perkins. - Oh.
APPLAUSE
And hardly less Anglo-Saxon,
with minus 28 is Kathy Lette.
- APPLAUSE
- Thank you. Thank you.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
And not losing again,
with minus 8, it's Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
Second place,
you must be very proud.
It only means there's one winner,
with plus 2, Ross Noble.
APPLAUSE
So, all that's left for me to do is
to thank Kathy, Sue, Ross and Alan.
And I leave you with
the last words of former
British Prime Minister,
Pitt the Younger.
"I think I could eat one
of Bellamy's meat pies."
What greater last words could
you ever have? Good night.
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening and welcome,
ladies and gentlemen, to QI,
where this week we're looking at
ladies and gentlemen.
And we have a pair of each.
A decorous Kathy Lette.
APPLAUSE
A distinguee Sue Perkins.
APPLAUSE
A dashing Ross Noble.
APPLAUSE
And a-dorable Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
So let's listen to the ladies.
Kathy goes...
♪ Three times a lady... ♪
Ah. And that's Lionel,
who has two Ls himself.
- And Sue goes... - It's also libellous.
- Yeah, libellous.
Sue goes...
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
And the feeling's right
♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night... ♪
And lo, the gentlemen.
Ross goes...
# I'm a man
♪ I spell M-A-N... ♪
LAUGHTER
Good blues harping.
- No, no, that was me
adjusting my dentures. - Oh, right.
And Alan goes...
# Boys and girls come out to play
♪ The moon is shining
as bright as day... ♪
Aw, that's sweet.
Now don't forget our L series
Spend A Penny joker.
JINGLE
FLUSHING
So, if you play your joker
because you think that
the answer to the question
is something to do with the
lavatory, you'll get extra points.
Right, now, ladies first.
Oh, you smoothie.
Oh! Why shouldn't you have the vote?
- LAUGHTER
- That's a nice way to
- start, isn't it?
Finally. Your true colours, Stephen.
Because we'll find out
the size of your election? No.
Hey, hey, very good.
You must be talking about, are you
talking about in suffragette days?
- What they... - Yes. - OK.
What were the reasons advanced
for women not being given the vote?
Well, I mean, it's
unnecessary, isn't it?
I imagine it was the aristocracy
that were the most fervently against.
Oddly enough, in the days of
the suffragette movement, possibly,
you could argue, it was socialists
who had the most objection.
Because the suffragette movement
only asked for votes
for property-owning women.
And the socialists regarded
that as deeply wrong.
Because they said, well, that
would just stuff parliament
- with even more bourgeoisie.
- We wouldn't want that. - Yeah.
And, in fact, a lot of the enemies
of the votes for women were...?
- Were women. - Were women, exactly.
- Yeah. - There you are.
These are the women against it
and they didn't want it.
It's the one behind going...
LAUGHTER
I'm late, I'm late!
- For a lobotomy. - Yeah, the one
behind has a hammer, which is
- obviously trying to suggest...
- Yes, she's off to perform a...
But there was sort of the
Stockholm Syndrome.
That they were brainwashed.
- They'd been brought up to
be decorative and demure. - Yeah.
And they had this idea
they had to be home
looking after the children
and being domesticated
and doing the home cooking.
- Home cooking, that place where
a husband thinks his wife is. - Yes.
So... And also I think they were,
the women who thought that way,
obviously they were also a bit
braindead because of the corsetry.
Their corsets were so tight,
it had cut off all
circulation to the brain.
Do you know where Constance Wilde,
Oscar Wilde's wife, comes into this?
- No. - She was a very,
very leading figure
in a movement which was a
precursor to Votes For Women,
which was called the
Rational Dress Society.
- Oh, yes. - Oh, right. - Yeah. - Yeah.
Women in Victorian eras,
as you say, were corseted
to within an inch of their life.
They could barely breathe.
And they wanted to loosen out.
And that's why they
would faint so often,
in hot dinners and parties
and things, balls.
But what you could do is,
as the blood was cut off,
you could turn them upside down...
LAUGHTER
- And then it would rush to their
legs... - And make an egg timer.
- And you could have a lovely egg.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- The three-minute lady. - Yeah.
And Constance Lloyd, then Wilde
as she was, very intelligent,
splendid woman,
she was one of the first to say,
well, we should wear
rational dress, you know.
Straight, loose clothing
that doesn't constrict us.
And that kind of was symbolic
of a wider constriction
that existed in society, in terms
of what they were allowed to do.
And it was a self-fulfilling
prophecy.
Because women were not in
engineering, were not in politics,
were not in anything
involving the colonial system...
Therefore it was said, well, but
they know nothing about politics.
They know nothing about...
Therefore they shouldn't vote.
But it's because they...
But there should have been
something, when she sort of,
you know, brought this up as
a thing, rational dress,
she should have gone,
"But in the future, leggings must
be approached with caution."
- LAUGHTER
That's the... - That's true. Yeah.
Because there are certain
people who, I think,
if you're not fighting crime -
no, thanks to the Spandex.
Well, look at Spanx. Spanx are back,
like corsets, aren't they?
- What are Spanx? - Oh, Spanx are
life-savers.
- They just move it around.
- What are Spanx?
It's basically anatomy roulette.
It's like, put them on,
who knows where it'll end up?
What is a Spanx?
They're these tight pants
that some women wear
to hold all their little
bits of flesh in.
But, honestly, they're
a contraceptive,
because once you get them on,
you can never get them off again.
But the best thing about
Spanx is, is if you go to a wedding
and at the start
of the night there's these,
loads of women just looking amazing,
then they get a few drinks in them,
have a bit of a dance
and then just boobs start
appearing in different places.
LAUGHTER
And you go,
"Have you got leg boobs?
"I didn't know you could
have leg boobs."
It does, it moves the boobs.
It just, whoa, there's one.
And then you, look, I've got,
I've got a side boob,
and then push that
and then boom, out there.
And you get a nice shoulder tit.
What, hey? Oh, oh, oh!
So what is it,
is this like a body tube?
- Yeah. - Yes. - Yeah. - Wow!
So, anyway, just to sort of sum up
what's happening here.
- Um...
- LAUGHTER
Are you referring to what's
happening in my Spanx right now?
The pro-suffrage movement was
divided against itself.
There was the suffragists,
who followed the Liberal Party,
and then there were the
suffragettes, as you can see there,
Mrs Pankhurst being the most famous,
and they believed in
smashing windows,
chaining themselves to railings,
and in the worst possible case,
Emily Davidson, deliberate
or not, throwing herself
- in front of the King's horse and
dying. - It looked pretty deliberate.
Although I don't suppose
she intended to die.
I think she intended
to stop the horse.
There's the saddest thing,
at the British Library
they've got her purse
and in her purse is a return ticket.
Which, was she... But was
she just being female and thinking,
"Oh, it's cheaper
to get the return"?
Presumably, I don't know if this is
true, but if, but pre-suffrage,
would women have been seen as sort
of goods and chattels?
So if they did something wrong, would
it then, would the husband be liable?
- What a fabulously good idea.
- No, no, they'd just be...
- Speaking as criminal stock,
you know. - They'd just be burned.
Well, burned is...
That's going a long way back.
They would be burnt or ducked.
Or tried as witch or
something like that.
But actually, Stephen,
I don't think...
It's amazing women got the vote,
it's amazing they went
out to protest.
Women weren't supposed to go
out without a chaperone.
If you did, you were seen
as a prostitute.
We're a couple of slappers
being here right now.
I suppose the most amazing thing
is those women who existed
before the vote,
who managed to achieve things.
The trouble is, you could name them
almost on the fingers
of a pair of hands,
the women who managed
to break through,
what was not a glass ceiling, but
basically a rock ceiling, you know.
Yeah, and they had crazy ideas.
There was one professor who said
that women shouldn't be educated
and shouldn't vote because it would
mean their brains would grow.
And if their brains grew,
- their wombs would shrink.
- They would vote for Nigel Farage.
And he based that evidence on the
fact that women who were educated
didn't have children, mainly
because we were smart enough
to know that, you know,
our careers would end.
He clearly didn't foresee the
Katie Price scenario then, did he?
Well, we seem to have
covered that very well.
The fact is, strange as
it seems to us today,
many women were
against votes for women.
When did women first get the vote in
Britain, do you know? Either of you?
- Either side? - '21. - '21?
1920, I think.
'20...
- KLAXON
- Oh, the '20s generally,
- I'm afraid, get the klaxon.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
It's actually rather surprising.
You may think, of course, they were
enfranchised, more or less
by the 1920s after the contribution
they clearly gave
to the First World War.
It was nigh on impossible to doubt
that they had earned the right.
But the first was in 1867.
The first woman to vote,
so far as we know,
in the entire United Kingdom, was
one Lily Maxwell in Manchester.
And she was a ratepayer.
And the law then was that ratepayers
were allowed to vote.
And it never occurred to the good
burghers of Manchester
that a female ratepayer would
take it up and vote
because there just wasn't a rule.
It's like saying rabbits
cannot vote.
And if a rabbit turned up and voted,
you'd say, "Oh, gosh, there's no law
"that says rabbits can't vote."
That's what it was like to
the Victorians. They closed that
loophole very quickly, but a few
women snuck in under the wire
and voted, 1867.
When did the law that prohibited
women from doing that come in?
- Very shortly afterwards?
- It was the following year, 1868.
- That is quick. They really stamped
that out. - And they burned them. - Yep.
Get on the pyre.
Is that fella there,
in the blue shirt,
is he wearing a false beard,
by any chance?
You can see the straps there.
That's a woman.
He's there going, "Yeah,
yeah, you can have the vote there!
"Don't tell anyone. I'm a woman."
Must be a woman because she's got
a box of chocolates next to her.
- We can't go to the polling station
without confectionery. - Absolutely.
Who said this?
"Nothing would induce me to vote
for giving women the franchise."
Said in 1905.
- Churchill. - Who? - I bet
it's a woman. - Churchill.
Is the right answer!
Yes, I'm afraid so.
Yes, he did say that.
He was not, let's face it,
the most liberal and progressive man
when it came to Empire
and things like that,
marvellous as he was in all
kinds of other ways.
So, "We will fight them on the
beaches" was originally something
- he said about women, he just
modified it. - We'll fight them
- on the bitches. Bitches!
ALAN: Supposedly, he did not say,
"Golf is a good walk spoiled."
- That was somebody else.
- Mark Twain, I've always heard.
Apparently not Mark Twain either.
It's what's known as
Churchillian drift.
It's all these witty remarks
get attributed to
people like Churchill, Noel Coward,
Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain...
- Stephen Fry. - George Bernard Shaw.
- It's always, like...
it's always the real highfalutin
one, isn't it,
the real amazing bits of wit that
then get attributed to somebody else.
- It's never, like,
Cannon and Ball, is it? - No!
I think it was Churchill
who once said,
"Oh, Tommy, you've got me skin."
IMPERSONATES: I've got my eye
on you! I've got my eye on you!
Rock on. Right.
I mean, that was Churchill,
wasn't it?
I believe it was...
Now, I've got some little toys
for you to play with.
- What would you use them for?
- Oh, hello.
You can have the blue one.
- Well... - Hello? Hello?
- It's an alarm key.
LOUD WHIRRING
Ah, you've pressed the button.
That's a very good start.
It's the world's worst rape alarm.
If you're wearing a microphone,
it sounds like a million voles
having a heart attack.
If you can hold them away
from the mics,
because you're sending
the audience mad.
- I can't turn it off! - No.
- Yes, you can. Just leave it.
It's a tiny stadium
audience in a box.
And you just go,
"Good evening, Wembley!"
It seems to be white noise.
- This is what it's trying
to do. - Oh, go on.
SOUND OF RUSHING WATER
That's just frightening.
Oh, that's better.
That's like a toilet.
- Yeah. - Why, is the word?
Why would you want to replicate
the sound of a flushing toilet
wherever you go?
More to the point, why has Stephen
got an app on his phone?
LAUGHTER
Because there is nothing I wouldn't
do to make things clear for you,
because of my love for you all.
Is it to make people urinate
after an operation or something?
Yes, it's not exactly
to make people urinate.
It's designed by the Japanese
for the Japanese.
Oh, to cover the sound of yourself
in the toilet, you put it on.
Yes, I bet that's it.
You could have played
your Spend A Pennies here.
- Oh, I could have done.
- Oh, we could.
It's to cover the noise of peeing.
Because Japanese are
traditionally rather pee-shy,
and it's called a Sound Princess.
- A Sound Princess!
- LAUGHTER
Oh, that's marvellous.
They're actually built into
some lavatories in Japan,
but these are the ones for
if you don't have a built-in one.
"This clever little key chain
gadget from Japan
"solves a real problem
for those that are shy,
"namely the embarrassing sounds of
our noises as we go to the bathroom.
"Push the button and 25 seconds
of continuous sounds
"of a running refilling toilet
permeate the room
"in a natural, unobtrusive way."
25 seconds!
It's just going to run out.
- 25 seconds is not going to do it.
- "Masking the sounds you make..."
It finishes and then you hear...
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
Yeah. Do they do another
one for sort of number twos,
- the sound of sort of an avalanche
or something? - You'd think so.
"Press it again, press it again."
RASPBERRY
Well, push the button again
for another 25 seconds of bliss.
"I've dropped it!"
RASPBERRY
You mean in the cubicles.
I thought you had to hang it
off your downstairs.
Oh, no!
And then you're stood at
the urinal, just weeing.
The fella next to you hears.
"Why is there cheering
coming from the...?"
"We will rock you!"
Imagine that
whacking off your plums.
It comes in three
colour-ways. We've got two.
"It comes pink with
a cute little heart,
"for the inner girl in every woman."
- But this is... I don't want...
- Do you have an inner girl?
- Well, not with that in it, no.
- No, you don't. - No.
- "Baby blue with a ribbon for that
free and fresh feeling." - Yeah.
"And a white Save The Earth unisex
model for both men and women."
But it's an Eco Otome,
because it saves you having to flush
the loo to disguise your noise.
So you're saving water, in theory.
Why don't you just
go into the cubicle, close the door,
you hear somebody come in,
just go, "Brace yourself!"
He'll go, "Oh, no,
I'm not having this." And leave.
But also the sound of that,
you turn that on and you hear...
MAKES FAINT GROWLING NOISE
The person - it's Japan, isn't it -
what's the first thing
they're going to think of?
"Hang on, I can hear Godzilla."
Another person might be
halfway through their business.
"Oh, my God, Godzilla's here."
And then runs out.
The floor gets slippy,
they fly over, smash their head,
and it leads to all kinds of...
It's a health and safety nightmare.
This should be banned.
It should be off the shelves.
I'm writing to Watchdog.
I took my children to the
toilet today...
- Yes? - They're 18 and 19.
And we all went in, we were all
in a cubicle together.
- They're two and four. - Right.
And then someone went into the
next door cubicle and started
going about some, obviously some
quite serious business.
After about four minutes of this,
my little girl started saying,
"Oh, oh, that stinks!
"Oh, that's terrible!
It's really smelly in here! Oh!
"That's awful!"
- If only you'd had this! - Princess
poo! - If only you'd had your princess.
And I could hear the person
in the next cubicle laughing.
Where was the loo?
The O2 Centre on the Finchley Road.
- Oh, no. - Oh, look, was it you?
It was me. I know the very one.
Well, there's only one other thing
that's vaguely connected to this,
and that's the architect, Sir Edmund
Beckett, the 1st Baron Grimthorpe,
and he was considered the best
locksmith of the century.
And he hated it when people didn't
pull the flush in his lavatory.
So he set it up such that
if you went into his loo
and locked the door, then if you
didn't flush, you couldn't get out.
It was locked.
Only when you flushed
did it unlock the door.
- Isn't that brilliant?
- That is quite brilliant. - Yeah.
And maybe, for the ladies' sake,
it would be the same
if you lifted the seat or
lowered it, rather than lifted it.
Which is it you like?
I always forget.
- Well, we like it where you do
the wee in the hole bit. - Oh, really?
- As opposed to all the way round.
- That never occurred to me.
Just the rest of the toilet,
anywhere in the rest of the toilet.
It takes all the fun out of it.
I suppose we could try that,
couldn't we?
The difference between the sexes
here is that men seem to think
sitting on the toilet
is a leisure activity,
- which women just don't get that, do
we? - No, you're quite quick about it.
Yes. Who wants to stay in there?
Well, maybes if you weren't outside
the door giving it all that...
- Well now... - I am joking.
I am joking. I am joking.
Of course you are.
Who made the ladies' toilet,
was it George Bernard Shaw?
I think he definitely was the one
who pushed for it, as it were.
Because they'd previously...
Previously there'd been lots of
public conveniences for men,
but never for women, because it was
thought rather... Women didn't wee.
..inappropriate for women to go,
you know, outside their own home.
Well, the building of theatres
in the 19th century
did not take women
into account, did it?
And to this day, you can see it
at the intervals of plays,
women are having to queue up,
while men are just peeing
all over the place.
Just one bog and a tannoy bellowing,
- "You've got one minute till the..."
You know. - Minute to go, yeah.
Till View From A Bridge starts
and you've got a bladder
the size of a spaceship
and then you just do it
on the seat and cry.
And go home with a wet bottom
on the night bus.
- LAUGHTER
I imagine. - Aw!
That's the title
of your autobiography already,
- Wet Bottom on the Night Bus. - Wet
Bottom on the Night Bus. - I love it.
Anyway, next question.
What can you catch
from a lavatory seat?
A tennis ball.
If you position it right,
so that they're just serving
through a slightly open window.
- Yeah, you can just get it. - Very good.
- Lob it through. Nothing.
- Nothing? No, that's not right.
- KLAXON
It's so not right, you get a klaxon.
Something.
- Everything. - Not good enough.
Everything is not right either.
There are quite a few diseases.
Gonorrhoea.
- Um... - Syphilis.
Is it the crabs?
Is it the tiny crabs?
Well, there are a number that
are very much known to be caught.
- Hepatitis, dysentery, fungal
infections, puerperal fever. - Ugh!
Viral gastro-enteritis,
but the only way you catch it
from the loo seat
is from the loo seat to your hand
- to what is nicely known
as a "soft entry point." - Oh.
Which tends to be the nose
or the mouth.
So as long as you wash your hands,
you're perfectly safe.
You don't get it through
the thighs and bottom.
- Yes, that would be weird.
- That would be weird.
Surely the bottom is something
of a soft entrance, isn't it?
It is, but unless you're doing
it very, very wrong,
it should be hovering over
a nice hole in-between the seat.
Well, you just stand up. I tend to
slide off onto the floor like that.
Do you? Well, I advise you
from now on not to.
That is why they have
a gap under the door.
- Just so your feet can go through.
- No, what I do, what I do is...
That's brilliant. So you
leave all your doings,
and then get out with
the door locked.
- What's happened here? - Yes.
So somebody goes, "Oh, my God,
he didn't even flush it."
"I don't need to flush it.
"It will not unlock the door."
Whoosh! Like that.
In fact sometimes,
if you time it right...
Don't you catch your testicles,
as they go under?
No, no, it's a sort of a reverse
limbo, you pull them in like a sumo.
Oh, right, OK.
But what you do is,
you time it right so that
when the fella or the lady
is mopping the floor,
I slip out from under the door,
it's like the curling, like that.
And then somebody opens
the door, all the way down,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine."
And then as you're moving,
it pulls your trousers up.
- Superb. - KATHY: That should be an
Olympic category, I think.
- It should be an Olympic category,
that is superb. - Yeah, excellent.
Never do it on the ice though,
never on the ice.
- No. - Never. - Those of us who use
lavatories in a more,
- shall we say, normal...
- Conventional.
..usual, conventional way,
tend not to do that.
We tend to keep the soft entry
points of our bottoms...
That is why I'm riddled
with disease.
- Yes. - Riddled, riddled with disease.
That would explain it.
Yeah, absolutely.
But who was responsible for
the myth that you can catch
sexually transmitted diseases
from lavatory seats?
It's, erm, Brian Blessed. Brian.
- "Yes!" "Oh, you can!"
- "No, I don't think... No, no, no."
"My soft entrance has been violated!
"Yes! I can't believe it!"
"It's hairier than the rest of me."
- So who put it about?
- My grandmother, I think.
Your grandmother may have...
Would it be a pharmaceutical company
with profits to be made?
No, it's actually doctors. Doctors
suggested that you could catch it.
I love that show.
They suggested you could catch
it from lavatory seats.
- There's something very, very wrong
with that torso. - There is.
- I think she's past hope.
- Is it a she or a he?
It's very hard to tell.
Your problem is...
It's Tilda Swinton.
It's beautiful Tilda Swinton
with gangrene of the upper rib.
Yeah.
"Your head is much too small
for your body."
That's not a usual... It's not
a usual soft opening part,
that he's poking his tube into.
I don't know what...
He's draining it, presumably.
He's harvesting tit juice.
- All right. He's harvesting tit
juice. - Gangrenous tit juice.
No, it was doctors. Doctors
suggested it because they thought
it would make more people
come forward with STDs,
because they would be less
embarrassed to say they caught it
from a lavatory seat than
- that they caught it from a whore,
strumpet, harlot. - Sex worker.
- Or parent. - Puttanesco.
Or parent. Parent?!
Don't make me repeat things
without thinking. It's all wrong.
This is a thing that's
happened to me.
- I'll share, cos I feel I'm
amongst friends. - All right.
I went to the doctor,
had terrible, like a sort of a...
- It was almost like welts...
- Did you say whelks? - Welts.
- Welts. Not whelks. - It was a red...
- No, welts with a T, not with a K.
I thought you said whelks,
as in cockles and...
There was... You know, whelks.
I was bothered by Cockneys.
And all the time
I had chimney sweeps around me,
I was batting them off.
"Feed the birds."
Went to the doctor and I thought,
I've got some sort of...
MUMBLES: ..sexually
transmitted disease.
Went into the doctor,
he went, "Pants are too tight."
That's what he said.
- He said "Your pants are too tight."
- You had your Spanx on. - Just had...
So you were kidding yourself
that you were a medium
and in fact you were
an extra, extra large.
I've done it, I've been there. Yeah.
And you do get welts, you get
awful webbing marks, you get...
- Webbing? - Yeah, well, the...
You know, the webbing of the...
You need to just loosen that
banana hammock and let it fly.
I got the larger...
I went for the larger pant,
- and since, trouble-free.
- It's been simple. Yeah, I know.
What a wonderful, wonderful thing.
So, there you are.
So, there you are. Now,
here's one for the gentlemen.
How could your mother-in-law help
you run things at tiny bit better?
Well, my mother-in-law...
There's a rather classy
version of Deal Or No Deal going on.
- It's the picnic special.
- The wicker version. Exactly.
Fortnum and Mason Deal or no Deal.
"Oh, chutney."
It's a hell of an episode of
Blind Date as well.
"Who'd date number one?
The older lady..."
They look like they've just
emerged from them.
Put them back in them.
Anyway, they're two daughters-in-law
with their mother-in-law,
- but that's just an example,
obviously. - Run things? - Yes.
- Talk about running things, I mean
runs companies and things. - CEOs.
CEOs is exactly
what we're after, actually.
A study of 6,753 deaths among CEOs
and their families found they caused
a statistically significant
and economically large decline
in the profitability
of their companies.
But there was one exception.
The death of a CEO's mother-in-law
led to a positive
effect on performance.
You're now advocating that
mother-in-laws of successful CEOs
should do the decent thing,
ladies, and top yourselves.
It was marked as positive
but statistically insignificant,
which makes it rather,
sort of, peculiar.
But there is one feature
that CEOs should have in America,
which WILL make them
the more successful.
- Do you know what that is?
- A face. Is it a face?
It's not a face, but it is physical.
It's rather good news for me.
- Height. - Height is the answer.
Height is more important
than race, sex,
or ability when it comes to CEOs.
Only 14.5% of US men
are over six foot.
But 58% of CEOs are.
Which is going to piss on
Janette Krankie's attempt to lead.
You'd think it'd be
a towering intellect they'd need.
I always think the only important
organ in a man is the big,
throbbing organ between the ears.
The only place
where size does count.
- Stephen has a big throbbing organ.
- Bless you, darling.
And, in the US, there's also
the issue of the pay differential
between large company CEOs
and their average employees.
But the fact that I haven't yet
given you is that CEOs anyway,
no matter how much they're paid,
have absolutely no effect
on the performance of a company.
So the idea that they are worth
what they're paid,
which apparently
only applies to them
and not to average workers anyway,
is complete nonsense.
And there are perfect examples
of this which I can give you.
A report in 2013 found
that during the years 1993-2012,
40% of the highest paid CEOs
in the US had either
had their companies bailed out
by the taxpayer,
or had their companies charged with
fraudulent activity,
or been fired for poor performance,
or overseen the death
of their companies.
These are people
paid millions a year.
So the fact is, 40% of them have
been shown to have
a disastrous effect
on their companies.
In the UK, women get 58p
for every pound that men get.
I know. 100 years since
Emmeline Pankhurst tied herself
- to the railings, and we still don't
have equal pay. - She never called for
equal pay, of course.
That only arrived in the '70s.
Should we do a riot? Let's do a riot.
- Do a riot. - Do a riot. There's three
people that are ready to take arms.
So, the death of the CEO's
mother-in-law helps businesses
a little bit. Now, staying
with lady relatives for a moment,
can you finish these real
suggestions from agony aunts?
Here they are.
"There is no more harm
in a kiss than...?"
Shaving a monkey
and pretending it's a woman.
I don't know where that's
coming from or where it's going.
Sorry. Sorry, I'm so sorry.
Is it the common cold?
It's actually a loaded revolver.
It's from Ally Sloper's
Half Holiday of 1911.
Next one. "Kidney troubles, coughs,
colds, toothache and neuralgia,
"diarrhoea and stomach catarrh
are frequently brought on by...?"
- Kissing? - Exposing one
of your soft entrances.
In a public convenience.
I tell you, it's true.
"Kidney troubles, coughs, colds,
toothache and neuralgia, diarrhoea
"and stomach catarrh are frequently
brought on by...paddling, rowing."
Paddling is the right answer!
Yes. Bizarrely.
It's Mother and Home, 1910.
And finally, "If your friend
is too fat, she should..."
- Only be seen...
- Try presenting Bake Off.
KLAXON
Ta-dum, boom!
Well, well, we...
Should not live in glass houses.
This is a very strange 1928
cure for obesity, which is,
"She should try doing
rolling exercises on the floor."
For the amusement of the family.
The world's first agony aunt was
actually a man.
He was called John Dunton.
He started a twice weekly periodical
called the Athenian Gazette...
How could a man with hair
like that give advice to anybody?
Everybody had a perruque in
those days.
- What kind of advice did the agony
aunts give? - Quite interesting.
- Mostly literary, political,
scientific or religious.
- "Never bathe."
He got a letter from a lady
and he was rather surprised.
She asked
if she could submit questions.
This led to a spin-off,
"Reasonable questions sent in to
us by the fair sex,"
and the spin-off was called the
Ladies' Mercury, not surprisingly.
the first women's magazine.
Yeah! Its mission was "to answer all
most nice and curious questions
"concerning love, marriage,
behaviour, dress and humour
of the female sex,
"whether virgins, wives or widows."
- Is there any other type?
- LAUGHTER
There are no other types. Stephen,
no lady will ever touch you or
hurt you.
It only lasted a month
but things would never be the same.
He was asked at one point by a
woman saying she was lonely,
he advised her to go down to the
docks and find a randy sailor.
He didn't use the word "randy",
but said there would be sailors
aplenty to oblige her.
Another asked for "the opinions you
have met concerning the capricious
"and extravagant humours of women."
And he replied,
"The word 'capricious'
is used to signify the extravagant
"humours of most women,
because there is no animal
- "they resemble more than a goat."
- LAUGHTER
Which is pretty odd,
because he actually dressed up
as a woman to avoid tax and debt.
- Yeah. - Gary Barlow didn't think
of that one!
- No! - Did he look like a goat
when he dressed up as a woman?
"How shall I do it? They look like
this, don't they?"
Horns, four hooves
and going up a mountain.
But that's fascinating that he
gave such ribald advice.
in Victorian times agony aunts
were dipped in penicillin.
Telling her to go down
and look for a sailor...
A horny sailor who just
wants anything with a hole
and a heartbeat, is quite...
It's very impressive.
- That's the second volume of my
autobiography. - A Hole And A Heart.
- LAUGHTER
They're all collected in a book,
Never Kiss A Man In A Canoe,
Words of Wisdom From The Golden Age
Of Agony Aunts, by Tanith Carey.
Who's collected them
all for your pleasure and enjoyment.
So now let's man the lifeboats.
What was the seventh most
common cause of death among German
submariners in World War I?
Was it banging their heads on
low doorways?
Bulkheads, I believe
they are called.
- Being shot? - Shot, yes, kind of,
but shot in a particular way.
Can I do one? I think toilets,
the water coming in
rather than flushing out, maybe.
How ironic to die of an overflowing
toilet in a submarine!
- Being fired out of a torpedo tube?
- Friendly fire.
Well, not friendly fire.
Very unfriendly fire and deeply
unsporting unfriendly fire.
Soft tissue access,
so communicable diseases...
No, I'll tell you what it is.
The Germans, who were very
sporting and gentlemanly,
they used protocols which meant
that if they
approached a merchantman,
in other words, not a warship,
what they would do is
rise to the surface
and they would give an opportunity
for everyone on board to
get into the lifeboat
and sail away to safety.
Then they would sink the ship
and its supplies, because that was
a legitimate war target.
So the Royal Navy got these
ships that they disguised as
merchant ships
and they got their sailors to dress
up in drag and walk up and down
as if they were women...
- Like goats! - As if they were
perfectly natural civilians,
and the German U-boat would
approach and call out and say,
"Man your lifeboats!"
The captain of the boat would pull
a lever, reveal all the weapons
and shoot down and destroy
the U-boat.
- And it was mean. - That's not
the Marquess of Queensbury!
- It's not cricket.
So did they learn their lesson
and perhaps disguise themselves
as a hen party, a sort of...?
They should have done,
but 14 German submarines
were felled that way,
making cross-dressing
sailors the seventh leading cause.
- That's hilarious! - Amazing, isn't it?
In 1927, HMS M2 was the very
first submarine to carry aeroplanes.
- Carry aeroplanes? - Yeah.
- Not only carry them, but they had
a deck. - A slightly flawed plan.
Yeah, obviously they would only
allow them to land and take off when
they'd risen to the surface.
A small, specially designed seaplane
took off next to the sub
and could be winched aboard and
stowed in the hangar.
Unfortunately they once opened the
hangar too early and the whole thing
was sunk. Very sad.
Now, ladies, you should be
covering your ears, because you're
very sensitive, I know.
Can you name an Anglo-Saxon
swearword?
- BLEEP. - I would say... - Oh.
- KLAXON
That's...
We've covered all bases there.
In for a penny.
BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP...!
KLAXON CONTINUES
- Knob-gobbler. - Knob-gobbler?!
Knob-gobbler is Anglo-Saxon.
It's also a delightful wading bird.
The amount of times Bill Oddie's
gone after a knob-gobbler on the...
He does spend a lot of time
on Hampstead Heath,
it's certainly true.
That's where he comes from.
Yeah. "Ooh, look at the plumage
on that knob-gobbler."
- This isn't rude, it's a type of...
- No. - It's a type of bird.
You know, who wouldn't want
to stroke a knob-gobbler?
But no, you see the fact is,
we have no knowledge whatsoever
of Anglo-Saxons swearing,
because the only Saxons
we know of are those who wrote.
And those who wrote were in Holy
Orders, and tended not to swear.
And didn't swear, of course.
- But we have no evidence for them.
- There must have been swear words.
But we do know that Vikings swore,
because we actually know,
there's a particular word,
and this is rassragr.
It's such an appalling word that
if one Viking called
another Viking rassragr,
the Viking who was called it
- would be entitled to kill the man
who called him that. - Gosh!
And indeed, if he didn't try
and kill him,
he would be expelled
from the community
and indeed be proved
to be a rassragr.
- I've been told what rassragr means,
but I just cannot tell you. - Aw!
- Is it... - I just can't.
- Rassragr. - Rassragr. - Rassragr.
- Is it to do with colouring?
- I just can't.
- Russet beard or something? - My mind
has got the idea of it in its head
- and I will never be the same.
- He must tell us!
- I don't know what it means. - We all
want to know, right? - Rassragr.
Anyway, the fact is, there are
no known Anglo-Saxon swear words,
in the sense that Anglo-Saxon
peoples use them.
It's time for a maths test
and it's ladies versus gents.
Which team will let itself down?
- Oh, lord. - What happened to our
faces?
- You're eating your thumb.
- Disturbing, isn't it? Which team
- will let itself down?
If it's the pair of us, we will
lose because I'm really bad
at maths.
- Because women are always told
that that's ten inches.
- LAUGHTER
- That isn't ten inches?
- Exactly, yeah.
And also, on our team
the little boy at the back has
had a severe head injury.
LAUGHTER
Look at him, he's concussed.
He's sat there going, "I can do
maths but I've been smashed in
the face with a ruler."
- This is a gender fulfilling...
- It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Because women are told we are bad
at maths.
And we did it - we said,
"We'll never be able to do it
because we are rubbish."
Indeed, yes. and it's been
tested because there is
a general feeling
that seems to be,
again, self fulfilling,
that Asian people are very good
at maths.
So if you take a group of
Asian women and say,
"You're women and you're going to do
a maths test
"and the men are going to do a
maths test," they tend to get 60%.
And then you take a group of Asian
women and say, "You're Asian
"and you're playing against a group
of European men,"
they tend to get,
at the same level of difficulty,
80% or 90%. So it's really about
being told what you are,
and the very fact that you're told
you're a woman makes you think,
"Oh, God, I'm no good at this."
And your self-esteem is lower than
Lady Gaga's bikini line.
I'm rubbish at maths, but when I go,
"You're an Asian woman," boom!
Brilliant, honestly.
I'm on Countdown next week.
Now, some might say that's
borderline racist,
what I've got planned,
but I'm going to win,
that's all that matters.
It's about tribal affiliations.
So if you are oriented to affiliate
with a more successful...
You could be a woman or you could be
a redhead or a European or
an Antipodean or whatever,
so you find the right one.
Similarly, some retailers have
tried to make their toy displays
gender neutral, but they have a toy
tool box and a toy handbag
and one is blue
and the other is pink!
How is that in any way neutral?
Lego has a pink brick box.
"It has everything young girls need
to create a world of building fun."
- And it includes a female mini
figure. - A mini finger? - Mini figure!
LAUGHTER
Just a slightly smaller version
of your own finger.
"This is a shit gift.
"I've got five and now I've just got
a really small one."
OK. Women who are reminded they are
women do worse at maths.
And now hold your horses, ladies,
fingers on buzzers, gentlemen,
because it's time for a bit
of General Ignorance.
- Right, what did Lady Godiva do?
- # A lady... #
- Yes? - Well, of course she rode
naked through the town,
because she wanted to... I forget,
what was it she was doing it for?
- She had... She wanted... No.
- KLAXON
- Whoa. - No.
No, which town was it that she
didn't ride naked through?
- Birmingham, I think.
- Birmingham! No.
Coventry is the one that
people suppose that she...
- She owned Coventry, interestingly.
- Did she? - Yes, she owned it.
And the first story of her riding
naked is the early 13th century,
but actually, that's some
200 years after she lived.
And this story was a fellow
called Roger of Wendover,
who was a notoriously unreliable
purveyor of anecdotes and gossip.
In fact, the story that he gave
was that her husband,
who was the Earl of Mercia,
had put large taxes on
the citizens of Coventry,
and she thought this was unfair,
and she said, "You must get rid
of these taxes."
He said, "I'll do it if you
ride naked through Coventry."
And so she thought, "All right,
"I like the people
of Coventry, I'll ride naked."
And they all obediently
closed their eyes.
But there's no evidence for any of
this. All this is later.
Do you think that would work today
if we suggested that
to Boris Johnson,
if we rode naked through the town,
we could stop paying our taxes?
To bicycle on a Boris bike
through the streets of London.
- Yeah. - Yes, naked.
Yeah. The story of Lady Godiva
is horseshit, frankly.
So what did Mary Magdalene
do for a living?
Mary Magdalene,
what did she do for a living?
- Ah... - Oh. - Are we? Do we dare?
♪ Ladies' night... ♪
I just want to hear that again,
- because I am so in the
groove with that shit. - Yay.
She was a...
- DUTCH ACCENT: Sex worker.
- A sex worker, a prostitute?
- KLAXON
We call them sex workers now.
Sex workers.
They are called sex workers.
The sex workers, like prostitutes.
No. In as much as we know
anything about her,
or anything about anybody
in the "Bibble".
- She's got jaundice, that's what we
know about her. - Well, that's true.
I think we've taken faces
from some sort of Sienese school
rendering of her.
But she's mentioned in each
of the four Gospels, Mary Magdalene.
And not one of them says she was
a prostitute or even a sinner.
All you need to do is
to have sex once.
If you're a girl, then you are
a prostitute.
It did say that she spent a lot of
time on the docks, wink, wink.
At some point she became
confused with two other women
in the Bible -
Mary, the sister of Martha
and the unnamed sinner
from Luke's Gospital, chapter...
Gospital?!
Gospel, both of whom washed Jesus'
feet with hair, if you remember.
That's the third chapter of
your book, The Unnamed Sinner
From Luke's Gospel.
In the sixth century,
Pope Gregory the Great made this
confusion official by declaring
in a sermon that these three
characters were the same person.
This remained the official
line for over 1,000 years
until the Catholic church finally
ruled that Mary Magdalene
was not the penitent sinner in 1969.
And the whole world went, "Ooh!"
Oh, I've been calling her
a slag for 2,000 years.
Can I just ask, right?
I'm no art historian,
but why is there a severed baby's
head with no body attached, just...?
It's like a flying tray
with a head on it, isn't it?
Just the wing ears.
You will get these in baroque
paintings, putti, as they're called.
It... But how do
we know that that is a cherub
and not just, like,
a fat-faced bird?
That's a knob-gobbler,
that's what that is.
Well, it's...
The Baroque did go rather crazy,
and there's no real excuse for it.
It's overdone, to say the least.
But the one thing that we know
about Mary Magdalene
is that she wasn't a prostitute.
- What happens nine months
after a blackout? - Ah.
♪ A lady... ♪
Many, many babies.
- Ah... - No, no...
- KLAXON
- Oh, you've been doing so well. - Aw.
Is it the power company finally
give you the cheque for a refund?
- That's probably right. - Yeah.
- Yes, you finally get your refund.
No, there is no evidence, although
it is a commonly held belief,
absolutely no evidence
whatsoever from demographers
and other such people
that this is true.
There was a famous 1965 blackout
in New York and everybody said,
nine months later, including
the New York Times,
that there was a sharp
increase of births.
But they then, after it was proved
to be inaccurate,
issued an acknowledgment that
they had made a mistake.
I mean, lights do go out every night.
I mean, it's not like we're
permanently in sort of spotlights.
- Precisely, exactly. No. - And so
it's such a rare thing we go,
- "God, the lights are finally off.
We can have sex!" - Exactly.
"Oh, telly's not working.
Go on, then."
I always go to the main fuse box.
"Sorry, love."
"Our leccy's gone."
- That's your foreplay, is it?
- Clever, clever, clever. - Yeah.
No, there is no evidence that people
have more sex during a power cut.
So, not with a boom, but a whimper,
we come to the scores.
- Oh, my good night.
- HE CHUCKLES
Well, we're going to start in last
place, and I'm sorry to say,
because of her filthy mouth,
in last place with minus 48,
- it's Sue Perkins. - Oh.
APPLAUSE
And hardly less Anglo-Saxon,
with minus 28 is Kathy Lette.
- APPLAUSE
- Thank you. Thank you.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
And not losing again,
with minus 8, it's Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
Second place,
you must be very proud.
It only means there's one winner,
with plus 2, Ross Noble.
APPLAUSE
So, all that's left for me to do is
to thank Kathy, Sue, Ross and Alan.
And I leave you with
the last words of former
British Prime Minister,
Pitt the Younger.
"I think I could eat one
of Bellamy's meat pies."
What greater last words could
you ever have? Good night.