QI (2003–…): Season 12, Episode 4 - Levity - full transcript
APPLAUSE
Good evening, good evening.
Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
and welcome to QI
and to an evening of levity.
Let's see who's got
the "light" stuff -
the light-fantastic Sue Perkins...
APPLAUSE
..the light-footed Josh
Widdicombe...
CHEERING
..the lightly-armed Frank Skinner...
CHEERING
..and the light's on
but nobody's home, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
So, light up your lamps,
and the Latin L, which is of course
50 in Roman numerals, if you can
tell me what they have in common,
all these little buzzer noises.
Sue goes...
OWL HOOTS
Josh goes...
BEARD CLIPPERS BUZZ
Frank goes...
CLOTH RIPS
And Alan goes...
PIG SQUEALS
Any thoughts?
They're all noises made by Jeremy
Clarkson during the intimate act.
LAUGHTER
We've kept you two apart whenever
we've done a show, for good reasons.
Yeah. Yeah, so you've got an owl.
He howls like an owl.
"He squeal like a pig."
And it definitely,
definitely ends...
RIPPING
That's the final rip to the trouser.
APPLAUSE
It's hard not to say that you've
probably...
That's when
Richard Hammond pops out.
- Oh! - Oh! I must say!
That's the final rip of stonewashed
denim, isn't it, that noise?
Would it help
if I said it was L for law.
- Law with a W, not an O-R-E. - No.
Jewish law, which was known as,
for eating?
For...kosher.
- Kosher, yes. And I said levity
was our theme, levit... - Leviticus.
- Leviticus. Leviticus!
- Oh! So shellfish and...
- Well, we didn't hear any shellfish,
did we? - No, we didn't. - No.
- Unless, I wasn't sure about Josh's.
- But we heard an owl. - Yeah.
A beard being shaved, the rending
of cloth and a pig.
Ah, and a pig. So they're all things
prohibited by...
- Anything to do with a pig is
forbidden. - Brian Blessed!
AS BRIAN BLESSED: No,
Brian Blessed is not kosher, no.
No! Oh, dear, dear.
So that's what they have in common.
All your buzzers are forbidden
by Jewish law.
- That's very awkward, because
I'm Jewish, so... - Also...
- I can't take part in this
for the rest of the show. - No.
- No, I understand. - Also, if I were
to go round and
say, "Josh, can have sex with you?"
- just on the top of my head,
that would also be...
- Sex on the top of your head?
- On the top of his head? - That's not
the bit I had an issue with. No.
- That would be an over-protected
thing. - I've never heard of kosher
sex.
- That would be an abomination,
according to Leviticus.
- It would indeed, Stephen.
So, they're all things forbidden in
the Book of Leviticus - you mustn't
eat an owl, trim your beard,
tear your clothes or have anything
to do with a pig. Sorry.
No, what does it mean
"nothing to do with it"?
What if he comes up to you,
you just have to go...
You have to shun him, Josh.
- Blank him. - Blank him. I know...
Sorry, mate, not interested!
- I just blanked him. - Snub.
- Like a chugger in the street.
- Snub that pig. - Pretend you're on
your phone, sorry. - Yeah, blank him.
Now, one of our questions tonight
is likely lavatorial.
See if you can flush it out by going
for a Spend-A-Penny bonus.
All you have to do is brandish
your baton and buzz your buzzer.
And there are lots of points for it,
lots.
It's really worth risking that
the answer might be something
lavatorial.
But first here's a lark.
You each have a balloon, as I do.
And what I want you to do is, oooh,
is a levitation trick.
It's all to do
with static electricity,
as you might have guessed.
Well, the idea is to...
Oh, that's already, whoa, that's...
Oh, oh, no, that doesn't. Oh, no!
Yes! Yes!
- Wow! - Yes, oh!
Alan got it.
You charge up the plastic
and the balloon,
but you have to charge both of them.
Well, yes, you can use your hair.
If anybody's hair can do this,
it's Alan's.
I take that as a slight.
I can't get it off now.
I know, that's as well, as it sticks
to your fingers, you have to just...
- Oh, and now, oh, not quite.
- Yes! Yes!
Oh, brilliant!
Aargh!
Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner
there, very good.
It's that sort of fatal thing
they get in Star Trek
when they didn't have any money.
Ooh, put some music on,
and they go, "Arrgh!"
Someone in a red top.
Thank you, Alan.
We can show you now...
Zara, one of our runners,
who turned out to be
rather a master of this art,
or a mistress, whichever you prefer.
Here she is.
- No! - Yeah. - That's weird.
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!
- Is that not just the draught
from the balloon? - Yeah...
Well, it looks a bit like it,
but actually,
if you try that without having
charged them, it won't do that.
How's her head staying up?
LAUGHTER
There's somebody fanning
her from below!
It's the Black Theatre of Prague.
The fact is, yes, scientifically,
you should be able to do it
repeatably and predictably,
but it's quite hard.
But I promise you this, I will show
you, before this evening is
over, a levitation effect that will
blow your socks off.
Not literally,
but will really impress you.
That's going to come.
Meanwhile, what's the funny thing
about lightning?
Oh. The funny thing about it?
Well, given that it is a natural
phenomenon that mankind
has been aware of for all the time
that we've been on the planet.
It makes you laugh. We're still
captivated, freaked-out and
surprised by it...
- We're captivated, and surprised
and don't understand it. - Oh!
- No. - We can't explain it.
- We know a little bit about it.
- Oh, we do... - We know
that thunderbolt and lightning
- is very, very frightening.
- Very, very frightening!
- It's white, it's forked. - Yes.
- Or sheet.
- It's electric. - "Or sheet," you say?
No, not "or sheet".
Sheet lightning is
the same as forked lightning,
it's just hidden by a cloud.
Oh, so it's an illuminated cloud
that gives that band of...
- Yeah, it's just basically...
Exactly. - OK.
But one of the myths about it is
that it will always strike
what part of a building?
- Highest. - The highest point,
and that's not true.
We've got a photograph to show you
how untrue that is, of it
hitting Grant's Tomb there. There's
a branch of it hitting the top,
but the huge part of the fork there
is hitting two thirds of the way up.
Half of lightning goes
up from the ground,
and at about 300 feet up
they meet each other.
- I know, it's weird. Yes, so...
- What? Lightning goes upwards?
- Oh, yes, absolutely. - Wrong.
No!
90% of strikes
on the Empire State Building,
for example, are ascending strikes,
rather than descending strikes.
I know it seems astonishing,
but photography allows us to see
this phenomenon of it coming up
from the ground
and meeting with the sky forks,
as it were.
- Wow. - "Sky Fawkes". - "Sky Fawkes".
- Weird.
My dad used to, whenever there was
lightning, we had to open
the knife drawer and put a tea towel
over the knives and forks, to
avoid it coming through the window
and striking, and turn the TV off.
It's the only time the TV was
ever turned off,
it was quite a big thing.
The drawer is closed, is that not
doing it?
He'd open the drawer to cover it
with the tea towel.
- No, there's something about
the tea towel. - Individually cover?
You know, tea towels have got
that earthing quality.
JOSH: Did you not have
anything else that was metal?
Just the knives and forks. The taps.
No, I think that's all we had.
That was it.
And can I say
we had no piercings in our family.
How can lightning be beautiful?
Can you picture a beauty
that comes from lightning?
I mean, obviously, there's
something stark and amazing
about photographs of lightning,
which is not un-beautiful,
but actually, the effect
of lightning can be staggeringly
beautiful.
- Oh! - It's called a Lichtenberg figure,
after a very remarkable scientist
called Lichtenberg,
and he noticed, when people had been
struck by lightning,
there was a very remarkable...
- Pattern. - Yeah. And he...
I don't know if you can see it here.
You can see pictures of it there.
There, I'm holding one.
That's...this is artificially
produced,
and it's like a beautiful
fern-y kind of thing.
But you'd get that level of detail,
- would you, on the skin? - Absolutely.
We'll show it on the human skin.
There.
- ..nipples, as well.
- I mean, it's not...
LAUGHTER
It's not a price worth paying,
though, for that, is it?
It looks like a tattoo where there's
a plant on the side of his face.
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
Round the back,
there's a massive pot.
LAUGHTER
Does that remain like that?
Let's just say one wouldn't
throw it out of bed.
LAUGHTER
That would be cruel
if you'd been struck by lightning!
Let's all just say that.
Yeah, so...
From lightning to lighthouses.
How many men does it take to
crew in a lighthouse?
- "Crew in"? - Work it? - Yes. Crew in.
- JOSH: Oh! - Yeah, go on?
It's zero these days.
You're right, these days it is zero.
But we're talking about the past.
How many used it to be
- before they were automated?
- ALAN: One.
- Well, no... - Two. - The fact is,
there always used to be two, in
the early days of the lighthouses,
until something rather unfortunate
happened off the coast
of Pembrokeshire,
where Thomas Howell
and Thomas Griffith,
who you would never guess were
actually Welsh,
and they were a two-man team
in 1801,
and they were known to quarrel.
And unfortunately,
Griffith fell ill and died,
and Howell was rather worried,
because he thought people might
imagine he killed him,
so he wanted to preserve the body,
so he made a sort of wooden coffin
and lashed it to the
outside of the lighthouse,
and unfortunately, a storm arose
and smashed this coffin,
and so the hand of Griffith
started waving,
- as if beckoning Howell...
- And ships started thinking,
"Oh, that person's calling us
over there!"
LAUGHTER
By the time, weeks later,
he was relieved of his duty,
he'd gone almost insane.
People didn't recognise him,
he was described as
just about demented.
Because he'd just wanted to keep the
body to prove he hadn't killed him.
So he went mad because he was
frightened because the corpse was...
- flailing around?
- He was frightened people would say,
"Oh, well, we all know you had rows
with him and you killed him,"
so he wanted to keep the body
as fresh as possible
to show it hadn't been
poisoned or beaten.
But, of course,
by lashing him to the lighthouse...
- I think that makes him
look more guilty. - I know!
- It's most unfortunate.
- He killed him.
- Yeah. - But people believed him.
It's kind of quite a niche scenario
that you've gone...
"Well, in case that happens again,
"we should get
another person in," surely?
- I know! It doesn't make sense.
- They're all sitting round...
"I'm only here in case one of you
two kills each other!"
Someone to go, "Don't lash him to
the side, his arm will do that!
"We've seen it before!"
"Sorry, I DID kill him
in the night." "Oh, you idiot..."
It does seem potty, I grant you.
Who's the most famous person
who kept a lighthouse?
What about Grace Darling?
THAT'S the one we're after.
Though I think her dad was
the lighthouse keeper.
Her dad was the lighthouse keeper.
And there was a shipwreck
and she rode bravely out...
And there she is in Ladybird book
fashion, doing exactly that,
looking utterly transcendent
and beautiful and lovely.
She's completely dry. Just...
LAUGHTER
Just thinking, "Is that an arm...?"
It was in 1838, and a stormy night
off the coast of...
which part of Britain did
she come from, do you know?
Scotland?
A bit further down.
England.
- Wasn't it Cornwall?
- No, it wasn't Cornwall.
It was Northumberland,
or the Northumbrian coast.
She was awarded the Gold Medal
of the Royal Humane Society,
and she was sent
£50 by Queen Victoria,
and poems were written about her
by William Wordsworth,
Algernon Swinburne, and even more
excitingly, William McGonagall.
Which is fantastic.
And she had crowds of tourists
flocking to see her.
She was the celebrity of her age.
Rescued nine survivors
from a shipwreck
off the Northumbrian coast,
which was what made her a hero,
or heroine.
Well, there you are. They had
three men in every lighthouse
in case one of them died
and gave the other the willies.
What's the most famous
lighthouse...?
LAUGHTER
It's legal now.
It's fine, it's legal.
What is the most famous lighthouse
in the world?
Oh, I don't know, the one
on the Needles is quite famous.
The Needles is quite famous, yes.
I mean, there was one
that was the...
one of the Seven Wonders
of the World.
Oh, which is in Spain, is it not?
Or, is that Hercules's Tower or
something, there's a...
It's something Hercules.
Faros, Faros,
it's the Alexandrian lighthouse.
I love the way you looked at me
as though I got that right,
whilst telling me that every
aspect of it was wrong.
- You were, you know... - I loved that,
it made me feel good about myself.
- You were wrestling the puppy
knowledge with great affection.
- Yeah.
Actually all those lighthouses,
the Eddystone, the Kenilworth,
might be known by quite
a section of the population,
but this one, everyone
knows the name of this one.
What they probably don't know is
that it was originally a lighthouse.
- Empire State Building.
- Not the Empire State Building.
- Statue of Liberty. - Yes! The Statue
of Liberty, well done.
- Oh, of course.
- Absolutely right. There it is.
It was visible from 24 miles
out to sea.
It was a gift to America from...?
France.
From the French, yes.
And originally what colour was it?
- Orange. - Was it?
Not red and white like, oh,
like that!
Well, it was always intended to go
green, because it's copper colour.
That's the gayest lighthouse
I've ever seen. It's copper colour.
You're absolutely right, Alan,
it has a thin sheet of copper leaf,
as it were, over it.
- So it can go that...
- Originally it shone copperly,
- but like all copper does...
- Oxidizes. - Yeah. - Gets verdigris.
And so you get copper carbonate
and verdigris is the name for it,
exactly.
You see those domes and things, that
green colour that is Lady Liberty.
And there's her torch.
And in 1986 was the centenary,
and they decided to give her
a bit of a makeover.
And actually, the one bit that
didn't need the makeover
was the copper skin,
except in the torch.
And it needed a special technique
called repousse or repoussage,
and no American craftsman could be
found who could do it,
so a French team came over.
And Americans, we think of them
as very...you know, capitalist,
- as America is a capitalist county,
obviously... - And fat. - And fat!
It's also very unionised,
and the American labourers
were totally antagonistic.
Da Teamsters?
They gave the French...
yeah, they were like Teamsters.
They gave the French workers
the complete cold shoulder.
The French workers wore uniforms,
and every lunchtime, set up
a long table with a tablecloth
and had wine and fantastic food...
and the Americans sat alone
eating burgers and other things
and letting their stomachs push out
further and further.
And the French used this wonderful
technique of little hammers.
"Marteaux", you know? And someone
from the French team said,
FRENCH ACCENT: "We did everything by
hand. The Americans couldn't believe
"that the best way to rivet
is with hammers.
"It's cheaper, faster and better,
"but they will always
try to find some machine."
And that is absolutely...
You go ice fishing with Americans,
they have these... you know,
extraordinary motor augers
- that drill a hole.
- Oh, yeah, like in Fargo. - Exactly.
- Yeah. In the Titanic museum in
Belfast... - Mmm.
..which is quite good.
LAUGHTER
They'll be using that
on all their promotion.
"Quite good" - Alan Davies.
IRISH ACCENT: You'd better do a bit
better, there, Belfast, now.
Not good enough, really, for Alan!
LAUGHTER
I think that's one of his best ones.
You go there and they've got
the reconstruction of the building
of it, and that's the best bit.
- Yeah. - And lots and lots
of the rivets were done by hand.
- Yes, they were.
- And you'd got hundreds of riveters,
and they would do an incredible
number of rivets in an hour,
and in awful conditions.
Very cramped, hot...and so...
It's really quite absorbing.
Riveting, I meant(!)
LAUGHTER
I was at the airport in Belfast,
and I bought the journal
of the Titanic Society -
a sort of photocopy,
but quite a fat thing.
And I read it. It's about,
I suppose, a hundred pages,
and lots of stuff about the captain
and the way it was put together -
not one reference in the entire
book to the fact that it sank.
LAUGHTER
I love it when people are positive!
LAUGHTER
With the Titanic Society, their ship
is always half-empty of water.
LAUGHTER
There's a wonderful
Thomas Hardy poem
called The Convergence Of The Twain,
and it takes the point of view
of the iceberg and the Titanic,
and the two converge.
And what's rather wonderful is, each
verse is the shape of the Titanic.
It has two or three words
at the top, then a long line,
then a shorter line,
and a shorter line,
so each verse is boat-shaped.
He should have done it so it wasn't
just that, but it animated.
- LAUGHTER
- I know! - The iceberg coming at it.
Yeah! Like a flicker book.
Was it Bill Tidy who did the most
fantastic cartoon of all time?
- And it was a queue of people...
- Oh, I love this one, yeah.
.."information about Titanic",
and people are queuing up
to find out about survivors,
women in shawls, and at the back,
there's two polar bears
standing, calling,
"Any news about the iceberg?"
LAUGHTER
- I love that! So great. - Perfect.
But I've always thought that
had I been on the Titanic
when it hit that iceberg,
even though you know you're going
to perish,
seeing, like, 40 penguins fall over
is probably about as funny...
- LAUGHTER
- I think the possibility of
- seeing penguins in the North Pole,
or the northern reaches
of the planet, is pretty remote.
- But there are...
- They come from Antarctica.
Oh, damn that global warming!
You might have seen
a Fox's Glacier Mint, probably.
JOSH: What did happen to the iceberg?
- Now gone, broken up...
- It moved on with its life.
- Did it? - Yeah. - It didn't face any
punishment, or...?
Now, it would be followed
around by the press!
LAUGHTER
Raking over its life, you know?
"Who is this bastard iceberg?
"He's always been a bastard.
He's foreign..."
LAUGHTER
"Other foreign icebergs we hate
who've ruined our good stuff..."
Nigel Farage, exactly, is...
You don't want an iceberg
moving in next door to you, do you?
APPLAUSE
Anyway, the Statue of Liberty
used to be a lighthouse
and in those days it was brown.
Now for some light relief.
What's the most interesting thing
you can do with a sausage?
Well, she's used hers
for a hairpiece.
- She's coiled that round.
- A lovely little... Yeah.
What's the most interesting thing?
It's got to be something to do...
- With the loo. - It's got to be. - Yes.
I'm going to give you the points,
because there is a way,
which is very lavatorial,
in which you can improve a sausage,
which is quite interesting
and very surprising.
What, poo in it?
- Yes. - Oh... Come on! Really?
Baby faeces in a sausage will
improve a sausage. Now...
Oh, no,
and I've been throwing them away!
- Bear with me here. - You need to get
some casings and eat that. - Yeah.
Bear with me here.
According to a study
in the journal Meat Science -
M-E-A-T Science -
you make sausages healthier
by adding bacteria
extracted from babies' faeces.
Now, the point is,
many sausages, pepperoni...
What are they doing in laboratories,
for God's sake?!
What they try and do is improve
things for us to make us healthy.
And pepperoni and salami are made
with bacterial fermentation.
And the best way you can do that
is to use what are known as
pro-biotic bacteria, ie, bacteria
that are said to be good for you.
And, oddly enough,
this Catalonian team
decided that one of the best types
would be baby faeces,
because, by definition,
they would have
passed through the human system
and passed out again,
and because baby faeces
are easy to obtain -
in fact, the study used nappies
provided by mother and baby
support groups.
Still don't make it right.
Professional tasters confirmed
that sausages tasted the same...
- Oh! - Who does that for a living?!
- I know. - Did they know what they...?
They tasted the same,
you wouldn't notice.
That's a rough day down
the Jobcentre, that is.
They are lower in both fat and salt
and therefore healthier.
But it's poo, Stephen!
It's literally poo!
It gives a new meaning
to potty mouth, doesn't it?
But it does mean that Alan
gets his Spend-A-Penny bonus,
- which is very good news.
- Shut the front door.
APPLAUSE
Though, in fact, that was
a supplementary question,
because the original question
involved the use of sausages
in history.
Sausages...such that a country...
We showed you a photograph
that shows a country that
is really fond of sausages...
- Germany? - Yes.
It's so useful with the sausages,
for Germany, at a particular
time in history, that people
were banned from eating them
and they were banned in Poland,
in Austria,
in northern France, and...
Were they using them
as part of the war effort?
Yes, World War I.
The Germans had a very impressive
weapon, which terrorised London.
GERMAN ACCENT: The Bratwurst lasso.
Which can take a human head off
at 100 paces.
- The Zeppelin.
- The Zeppelin, is exactly right.
The Graf Zeppelin, the Count
Zeppelin invented this dirigible.
Are you saying
that's one enormous sausage?
Well...
They flew and they dropped
baby excrement over London.
What made it lighter than air?
- Helium. - Helium.
- Not helium, no. - Hydrogen.
Hydrogen, that's why they were
so dangerous,
because hydrogen
is very combustible.
And they would go over London
and the chappie at the bottom
in the little gondola
- would drop a bomb...
- You make it sound really lovely.
"The little chappie would go
over London..."
But the thing is, the hydrogen
would easily leak from the patches,
and they found that sausage skins
would go over the joins,
and they would latch onto
each other, a bit like Velcro,
they would stick to each other
and they'd seal the whole thing
so the hydrogen wouldn't leak.
Well, now...
God, more bad news for pigs!
LAUGHTER
It was cattle rather than pigs,
it was beef sausages.
So they would just fly
like an apocalyptic cow balloon
- over the top of London
and just drop... - Yeah.
And bullets would go through
and they wouldn't be enough
to bring it down, and it took
two years for the British to learn
how to use incendiary bullets
to cause the hydrogen to blow up.
Were they ever struck by lightning?
Yes, three Zeppelins
were downed by lightning.
- Yeah, how about that?
- That's brilliant.
It shows that God was on our side.
A quarter of a million cows
they used, per Zeppelin -
that's pretty impressive.
So a quarter of a million cows
went into the making of a Zeppelin?
Per Zeppelin, yeah.
Which is why they had to
stop the Germans,
the Austrians, the Poles
and those in Northern France
at the time
from getting their sausages.
What a shame they didn't do a big
cow's face on the front of it.
Oh, that would have been brilliant,
wouldn't it?
They just don't have those artistic
flourishes, the Germans, do they?
- Everything's very functional. - That
was my problem with the Nazis(!)
We spoke earlier about lightning
and the Empire Strike...
- er, Empire State Building.
- Empire Strikes Back!
Confusing me and driving me...
The Empire State Building.
What's the connection
between the Empire State Building
and big dirigible balloons?
- It was a mooring place.
- Yes, a mooring place.
They originally thought they'd be
able to land passengers on the top.
- I've seen that picture. - Wow. That...
One of these did actually moor
itself, in 40mph winds,
- for a few minutes.
- What they needed to do,
they needed to rub the top of it
with a towel...
LAUGHTER
- Somebody rubbing the airship.
- That would have done it.
And what is the mast for?
Do you know what the mast is...?
The mast was only there to be taller
than the Chrysler Building.
You're absolutely right.
The Chrysler Building,
they didn't know...
APPLAUSE
Were they built at the same
sort of time, and competing?
Yeah, the Chrysler Building was
going to be the taller one,
and they took the mast up the inside
of the Empire State Building
and stuck it on the top at the end.
The Chrysler Building, I think
we can all agree, is more beautiful,
although they're both quite
marvellously decorated.
- They are. - But the
Chrysler Building is stunning.
Well, there we are.
The linings in German airships
caused a sausage shortage
in World War I.
What was the charge for
the world's first charity single?
Oh, it's not going
to be Band Aid, is it?
- Is the clue in charge?
- Yes, it certainly is.
The Charge of the Light Brigade?
Well done, you.
Absolutely. So that's the beginning
of the puzzle opened up.
So, how can the
Charge of the Light Brigade
have anything to do
with a charity single?
You can't really release...
They didn't release a single.
Well, not a single, as it wasn't
called a single in those days.
Tennyson, there are cylinder
recordings of Alfred Lord Tennyson.
- Indeed. Yeah. - So maybe he read
- the Charge of the Light Brigade
onto cylinder. - He may have done.
His voice, "I am Alfred Tennyson,"
you do hear that, absolutely.
He did live into the age of the
phonograph, as it was then called.
But this is actually slightly
more touching, in a way.
There was actually a bugler
who recorded the Charge,
which is a particular call
on the bugle,
and he was himself a survivor
of the Charge of the Light Brigade,
and I'll give you all
the full details of it.
He plays the charge
that he blew on the day,
on a bugle that
was used at Balaclava,
which had also previously
been used at Waterloo.
- It's a heck of a historic bugle.
- That's a pedigree, yeah.
It was recorded
as a charity single to raise money
for veterans of the Charge
who had fallen on hard times.
And we can play it...
That's the last thing
they want to hear, though, isn't it?
They'd be terrified. Oh, my God!
But we can hear it now.
SCRATCHY RECORDING
OF BUGLE PLAYING
There you are.
That was Martin Landfried,
who was a bugler
and he made that recording in 1890,
and the Light Brigade was 1854.
Incredible quality.
It's not bad quality, really, is it?
And that was to help all veterans?
Or just specifically veterans
of that particular failed...?
- Specifically the veterans
of the Charge, yeah. - Yeah.
So the call we hear brought the line
from a canter to an all-out gallop,
but almost all of what we would call
a charge was actually a trot.
So the whole thing was called
an advance until the last 200 yards,
when the Charge was sounded,
and then, bang!
But at Balaclava,
they did more galloping
than they would at a normal
British charge,
which was one thing that made it
so hopelessly extraordinary.
Half a league, which is 1½ miles,
cos a league is three miles.
So "Half a league, half a league,
half a league onward
"Into the valley of Death
rode the six hundred."
Is that why they failed,
because they sort of peaked?
Well, they failed because
they simply rode into guns.
- Yeah. - It was insane.
The fact is, the Charge of the
Light Brigade was pretty disastrous.
But it did cause the first
charity single.
So, bugler Martin Landfried lifted
the spirits of the Light Brigade
at Balaclava.
How did Chicago
get completely screwed up?
They put Catherine Zeta-Jones in it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You are a naughty girl.
- I love that film, it's brilliant.
- Didn't she get an Oscar?
- Yeah, she won an Oscar.
- I'm joking, she was really good.
- I liked it. - It was a cheap shot.
The sort of Bob Fosse-style
choreography.
- They boarded it up with screws.
- Sort of.
- Is it literally screwed up?
- It was.
Is it to do with Prohibition?
Because it's the Windy City?
Not because it's windy, no.
Or Barack Obama. It's always
prohibition or Barack Obama.
- No, it was before either.
- Valentine's Day Massacre.
It's always Prohibition or Barack
Obama or Valentine's Day Massacre.
- Before any of those things.
- So it's, what, Victorian?
Literally the founding of Chicago.
It was a huge stop off on Lake...?
Michigan.
Michigan, Lake Michigan.
And, unfortunately,
it was built on a swamp,
and typhus and typhoid were
absolutely ravaging the population.
So they decided,
with good old American know-how
and sort of optimism,
they would jack the city up,
they would screw it up with
screw jacks, as they're called.
And there you can see the grey bit
all along the bottom,
because they literally
were screwing it up,
while people were living in it.
There was the Tremont Hotel,
for example,
which covered a whole acre,
which they screwed up, there it is.
They screwed it up
and they didn't even close the hotel
while it was being lifted up
off the ground.
And underneath, in the space,
the crawl space, you might say,
they put sewage
and fresh water and so on,
and it was a resounding success.
And Chicago became...
So there wasn't someone
who went to bed in that hotel
and woke up and went,
"What the hell has gone on?"
- "I'm on a different floor!" - Yeah!
And, also, the river
was full of sewage,
it flowed into the clean Michigan,
and so with an ingenious
system of locks they made it
reverse in the other direction.
And once a year they dye the river,
which goes beautifully
like a Venetian canal,
they dye it green.
Why would they do that?
- Paddy's Day. - Indeed.
Cos there are lots of Irish and
they have the bagpipes and so on.
And it's a beautiful city,
I love it.
That is actually for real,
we haven't done that with Photoshop.
- Really? - Yeah. That is how it looks.
So what dye, what...?
Green dye.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'm sorry,
I can't do better than that.
- I'll accept that. No, no.
- I wish I could help.
Probably named viridian
or something, emerald.
The towns and cities
further down the river
get St Patrick's Day
on the wrong day.
LAUGHTER
Yes, the entire city of Chicago
was jacked ten feet in the air
to make room for the plumbing.
Now let's lighten the mood with
a little light General Ignorance.
Fingers lightly
on your buzzers, please.
Name one of the rules
in a walking race.
You're not allowed to run, are you?
Well, you certainly can't run,
but how do you judge that?
Isn't it that some part of your foot
has to be in contact
with the ground?
Oooh...
KLAXON BLARES
There you are, you see.
Are those shorts strictly legal,
though?
- No. - Oh, hello!
- There's a little bit of swinging.
- Oh, God, you can really see it!
- Just cover that with your hand.
- Oh, dear. - Oh, that's really...
Please make that stop. Oh! Wahey!
Please make that stop.
- Oh, that's so wrong. - Oh, dear.
Ah, he's getting nearer! Oh!
Look at the feet!
God, no, no!
- Look at the feet! - God, no!
I feel like we've gone back
to the sausage round.
It's gone, it's gone.
Look at the feet,
don't look at the trunks.
That isn't a tip to one of the rules
we should know, is it?
- No pants. - Yeah. Swinging basket.
Keep the junk in the trunk,
I think is one of the rules.
No, the fact is, I will read you
the rule if you want to know it.
- It's the...
- Why are penises so funny?
From the International Association
of Athletics Federations,
the rule book says, "Race walking,"
as it's called,
"is a progression of steps so taken
that the walker makes contact with
"the ground so that
no visible to the human eye
"loss of contact occurs."
All Olympic walkers, when you
slow them down on TV, have moments,
a few milliseconds, sometimes,
when both feet are off the ground,
but it's not visible
to the human eye.
But, of course, nowadays
you can freeze frame
just about anything
incredibly accurately,
so Olympic Games broadcasters
and Olympic judges
get absolutely bombarded
with calls from people
furious cos they've seen
both feet off the ground
and they're convinced
that must be against the rules.
- But, actually, it isn't. - How do you
get into it? That's... - I know.
Because it looks so silly, the
bottom swinging...
We've all...
I know people that are fast walkers,
but you never go...
"You should go for this."
- No, I know.
- But it's that action with the elbows
- that I find really weird. - It's very
hard to talk about it without...
It's like when you go on a spiral
staircase and you do that.
I'm feeling my bum going now.
I've actually picked several
stitches out of this upholstery.
Have you seen that video,
the two women finishing,
trying to finish the walking race?
I'm not sure if it's the Olympics.
- And they end up crawling. - Oh, no.
- It is absolutely...
- Because they're so exhausted?
They're so exhausted.
Both their legs have gone...
Never seen legs go like jelly.
My legs went to jelly.
I did this thing with Bear Grylls
where I had to do this
rappel down a sheer face.
I have never been
so terrified in my entire life.
- I got there, I... - Sorry, you
rappelled down Bear Grylls' face?
- LAUGHTER
- Kind of(!) If you like.
He chose the face.
LAUGHTER
And then your legs went to jelly.
LAUGHTER
The really frightening thing was,
he took me to the edge
and then there was 45 minutes of...
Sorry, Bear Grylls took
you to the edge...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
APPLAUSE
And then what? Then there was
a tantalising 45 minutes...
I mean, that's a wait.
That is a wait.
- That's high-tensile, that is.
- I'm so sorry.
- The real thing! - Yeah.
Sometimes I don't know
what comes out.
To be on the cusp for 45 minutes...
There was 45 minutes of true
talking about safety things
and about the sound people hiding
themselves in nooks and crannies
so that a helicopter shot
could go round...
Top drawer porn.
LAUGHTER
You don't get many aerial shots,
do you?
You won't get that on Redtube.
So once I'd got down this sheer
face, I found my legs had -
exactly the same - just gave way.
I couldn't stand.
So I had to arse-luge
all my way down this slope...
LAUGHTER
And it ripped the entire outer
layer of trousering.
Did it sound like this?
RIPPING CLOTH
- Yes, it did! - Hang on...
PIG SQUEALS
LAUGHTER
He is terrible. Anyway.
Race walking is often seen
as a comical event
and someone once described it
as like having
a competition to see
who can whisper the loudest.
Now, here's the crew
of the International Space Station.
Why are they weightless?
- Oh... - Yes?
- Because they're in zero gravity.
- Oh, dear!
- A common misapprehension. - Yeah.
No, that's not it at all.
There's a huge amount of gravity,
they're very close to the Earth.
- The moon is... - Oh, so they
weren't in flight at that point?
No, they were orbiting the Earth.
But they're in free-fall,
a bit like sky divers.
And, fortunately, unlike sky divers,
they're also travelling
sideways at the same time.
If they weren't,
they would crash into the earth.
So there's certainly not zero
gravity, there's a lot of gravity.
The Space Station, and the
astronauts in free-fall inside it,
is plummeting towards the Earth
but, because of its curvature,
the ground is falling away
from them at the same speed
as they're falling towards it.
To put it another way, the
Space Station is constantly falling,
but its tremendous horizontal speed
means that it always falls
over the horizon.
They love karaoke, don't they?
They love that.
But it's not that there is
no gravity acting on them.
There's a huge amount of gravity
acting on the spacecraft,
or it would just be lost in space.
So, you didn't do so well on that,
so maybe you'll do better on this.
Why do spacecraft
get hot on re-entry?
Why do they get hot?
- Friction? - Oh, darling Sue, thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- We hoped for that.
Yeah. Well, you came to the right
place if you wanted idiot.
No! You're not idiotic,
most of us would have said friction.
It's not friction, actually.
It's what's called a bow shock.
It's the pressure
on the air in front of it,
like a bow wave of a ship,
and the faster you go
the hotter it becomes, because of
this enormous pressure on the air.
And there are other examples
of that sort of effect,
like a sonic boom, for example,
when you're going faster,
which is also a sort of bow shock.
Everything I know about space
is entirely taken
from Sandra Bullock's performance
in Gravity.
Everything I know about space comes
from reading The Right Stuff,
and I know that if you get it wrong,
when you re-enter,
- you can skip off the atmosphere.
- Oh, absolutely.
No, what, like a stone?
Yeah, then you'll just
never come back.
- Then you just keep going. Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, the fact is, spacecraft
heat up on re-entry
because of the bow shock,
not the friction.
What do beavers eat?
Good beaver shot.
- LAUGHTER
- Yes, Josh.
Erm...wood.
..is the right answer.
We were hoping you might say fish.
They are, in fact, completely vegan.
They just eat wood and plants
and algae, seaweed,
things like that.
Absolute nightmare
at a dinner party.
The wood course. So they dam the
river just for breeding purposes?
They dam the river for breeding,
exactly. For creating a lodge.
I've seen one. I've stood on one.
You stood on one?
- Oh, you can.
They're really solid. - Oh!
Did you deliberately stand on it?
- Yeah, well, it... - You can. You're
invited to. - Is it like surfing?
- It's like a tourist thing. - They don't
mind. They don't seem to mind.
You can get from the bank onto it,
and it's this great construction
of logs and branches.
Oh, I thought you stood on a beaver!
You didn't stand on...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
I thought you were beaver-surfing!
We've all got the internet,
after all!
Beaver-surfing is quite different.
I'll tell you a very interesting
beaver fact, though.
If you take a beaver
out of its natural environment,
which is by a river,
and put it in the middle of
a forest far from a river,
and turn on a tape recorder which
has the sound of a gurgling river,
it will build a dam.
It doesn't need to see or
feel the water.
Unfortunately, in Scotland
and places like that where
there have been attempts to try
and reintroduce the beaver,
people wrongly think they eat fish
and that they'll threaten
the salmon or trout or whatever,
but, of course, they don't eat fish.
- They just destroy forests!
- Well, yeah!
Well, they have a nibble, anyway.
And, finally, who fancies
a quantum-locking levitation lark?
And to help me tonight
we have Professor Andrew Boothroyd
of the Physics Department
of Oxford University.
Hello, Andrew!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
So, here we go, this is going to go
over my head, so I'm going to duck.
Ta-da! There it is.
An exciting tray and what looks
like a bit of sort of Scalextric
and let's just line it up there.
We've got a little bucket here,
what's in this bucket, Andrew?
That's a bucket of liquid nitrogen.
Liquid nitrogen which,
as you know, is extremely cold,
and I'm going to dip a rose into it,
just to show how cold it is.
I'd better put these gloves on
first. Health and safety.
Heston Blumenthal's
making a rose dish!
Oh, and these. All safety.
Safety, safety, safety.
- Yeah, as long as you're safe,
that's the main thing! - Yeah, quite.
Here we go.
So, I'm going to dip a rose into
this, you might have had this...
Ooh! Bubbles away.
It's really cold now.
And it might even shatter.
Oh!
Look at that, like glass.
- Shall I not touch the bit that's
landed on me?! - No, that's fine.
LAUGHTER
Is it burning into your skin?
It shatters like glass.
I've got a little wart on my finger,
is this a chance to burn it off?
- You might get a little cryo...
- And the rest of your hand.
It would be a great way of dumping
someone on Valentine's Day.
LAUGHTER
So, what have we got here, Andrew?
We've got here a piece of
ordinary-looking black ceramic,
which, when we cool it down
to very low temperatures,
acquires a very
extraordinary property.
- OK. - So if you'd just like to cool it
down with liquid nitrogen.
- I shall baste it with liquid
nitrogen. - Oh, my word.
- There we are.
- And we have a second one over here.
- Oh, right. - Do that one, too.
- I'll cool that, as well.
This is like the beginning of
every pop video in the '80s.
Tell me what's particular
about this?
It loses all its resistance,
its electrical resistance,
- and becomes what's known as
a superconductor. - Ah, yes.
That's one thing.
And the other thing is that
it acquires the property
that it can bend
magnetic field lines
in such a way that it
will always try
to resist any motion, even if that
means hovering above the ground.
All right. So let's pick it up
and pop it...
Whoops!
There it goes.
- Whoa! - Oh, wow! - Cool.
- Yeah, it's pretty good, isn't it?
- Literally.
That makes no effect
and you can just give it a tip...
SUE: Oh, that's very strange.
Yeah. There we are.
And as it warms up
it'll slowly sink.
- Oh, wow. - There you go.
Is this what you do most days
at the Oxford University?
Almost every day.
It's not a bad old job.
So this one here,
is very exciting.
And now it's nice and slidey.
But look at this.
Cool. And what's happening there?
- It's the magnetic field, isn't it?
- That's correct. - It's interrupted
- by this superconductivity.
- But it's not like a normal magnet,
cos a normal magnet would repel
when it's up that way
and then it would just fall off.
So this is both repelling
and attracting at the same time.
I'm going to give it one
more little go
and then we can try it
on the track.
I thought you were going to say,
"And then we can try it on Alan."
- LAUGHTER
- That would not be nice.
No!
Upside down in a bucket of nitrogen.
There we go. Pop it there.
- Oh, wow! - Fantastic.
- Round it goes. - That's cool.
- That's amazing. - Isn't it good?
FRANK: Can someone
pass the Sellotape?
- It's like a steam train.
- And it's like a steam train,
it can go the other way.
- We can put the wrong
type of leaf on the track.
- LAUGHTER
And is this going to get us to Mars?
That's the main question.
Well, what do you think, Andrew?
Are there any practical applications
we can think of?
You could use it as a piece
of transport like that,
but it's expensive because
of the cost of cooling the nitrogen.
So it's not efficient.
But if we could find
a superconductor
that worked at room temperature,
then it would be viable.
- Right.
- SUE: Are you working on that?
We are, yes indeed, yes, I am.
I trust you.
JOSH: I bet they're not!
They're just playing with this all
the time, that's what I'd be doing.
I know, isn't it gorgeous?
So you'd think it would almost
be like a maglev train.
That's what it would be like.
- Oh, there we go again.
I love that. - Oh, I love it.
And this, of course,
can go on here, as well.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh! Oh!
Argh! Ahhh!
Don't be too scared. It's all right.
LAUGHTER
What a pussy!
Sorry!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- That's my favourite one. - Boing!
Oh, it's coming round, it's coming
round, it's coming round!
Unfortunately, this one is less
insulated and it'll probably get...
- Oh, that's stopped it.
- It's doing pretty well.
- It is, isn't it? - Oh, my God,
that's coming for me. Oh, no.
Cool.
Oh, there you go. Bless its heart.
That would be like the best
Christmas present in the world.
What is the magnet made of?
It's rather exciting names -
boron and...?
The magnet is made of neodymium,
iron and boron
- and that's what the track
is made of. - Neodymium?
- Neodymium and iron and boron.
- Wonderful.
The superconductor is made
of gadolinium, barium,
copper and oxygen.
SUE: But you can just use
sticky-backed plastic...
LAUGHTER
..and a Fairy Liquid bottle.
Well, there you have the miracle
that is quantum levitation.
- Thanks to Andrew Boothroyd.
- SUE: Amazing, Andrew, amazing.
- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
- Thank you, Andrew.
- Thank you so much.
For once I can say
what could be cooler than that?
That's all the levity
we've got time for,
so let's have a look at the scores.
It's very exciting.
I'm afraid, bringing up the rear
with minus 14 is Sue Perkins.
APPLAUSE
With minus seven, in third place,
is Frank Skinner.
APPLAUSE
Well, in a brilliant second is
Josh Widdicombe, with five.
APPLAUSE
- Be still, my pulsing member,
in first place...
- LAUGHTER
..with 11 points, is Alan Davies!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Well, thanks for watching
and good night
from Sue, Frank, Josh, Alan and me.
We leave you to ponder upon the last
words of the French satirist,
Francois Rabelais, in 1553.
These were his dying words -
"I have nothing, I owe much,
the rest I leave to the poor."
Good night and thank you.
APPLAUSE
Good evening, good evening.
Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
and welcome to QI
and to an evening of levity.
Let's see who's got
the "light" stuff -
the light-fantastic Sue Perkins...
APPLAUSE
..the light-footed Josh
Widdicombe...
CHEERING
..the lightly-armed Frank Skinner...
CHEERING
..and the light's on
but nobody's home, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
So, light up your lamps,
and the Latin L, which is of course
50 in Roman numerals, if you can
tell me what they have in common,
all these little buzzer noises.
Sue goes...
OWL HOOTS
Josh goes...
BEARD CLIPPERS BUZZ
Frank goes...
CLOTH RIPS
And Alan goes...
PIG SQUEALS
Any thoughts?
They're all noises made by Jeremy
Clarkson during the intimate act.
LAUGHTER
We've kept you two apart whenever
we've done a show, for good reasons.
Yeah. Yeah, so you've got an owl.
He howls like an owl.
"He squeal like a pig."
And it definitely,
definitely ends...
RIPPING
That's the final rip to the trouser.
APPLAUSE
It's hard not to say that you've
probably...
That's when
Richard Hammond pops out.
- Oh! - Oh! I must say!
That's the final rip of stonewashed
denim, isn't it, that noise?
Would it help
if I said it was L for law.
- Law with a W, not an O-R-E. - No.
Jewish law, which was known as,
for eating?
For...kosher.
- Kosher, yes. And I said levity
was our theme, levit... - Leviticus.
- Leviticus. Leviticus!
- Oh! So shellfish and...
- Well, we didn't hear any shellfish,
did we? - No, we didn't. - No.
- Unless, I wasn't sure about Josh's.
- But we heard an owl. - Yeah.
A beard being shaved, the rending
of cloth and a pig.
Ah, and a pig. So they're all things
prohibited by...
- Anything to do with a pig is
forbidden. - Brian Blessed!
AS BRIAN BLESSED: No,
Brian Blessed is not kosher, no.
No! Oh, dear, dear.
So that's what they have in common.
All your buzzers are forbidden
by Jewish law.
- That's very awkward, because
I'm Jewish, so... - Also...
- I can't take part in this
for the rest of the show. - No.
- No, I understand. - Also, if I were
to go round and
say, "Josh, can have sex with you?"
- just on the top of my head,
that would also be...
- Sex on the top of your head?
- On the top of his head? - That's not
the bit I had an issue with. No.
- That would be an over-protected
thing. - I've never heard of kosher
sex.
- That would be an abomination,
according to Leviticus.
- It would indeed, Stephen.
So, they're all things forbidden in
the Book of Leviticus - you mustn't
eat an owl, trim your beard,
tear your clothes or have anything
to do with a pig. Sorry.
No, what does it mean
"nothing to do with it"?
What if he comes up to you,
you just have to go...
You have to shun him, Josh.
- Blank him. - Blank him. I know...
Sorry, mate, not interested!
- I just blanked him. - Snub.
- Like a chugger in the street.
- Snub that pig. - Pretend you're on
your phone, sorry. - Yeah, blank him.
Now, one of our questions tonight
is likely lavatorial.
See if you can flush it out by going
for a Spend-A-Penny bonus.
All you have to do is brandish
your baton and buzz your buzzer.
And there are lots of points for it,
lots.
It's really worth risking that
the answer might be something
lavatorial.
But first here's a lark.
You each have a balloon, as I do.
And what I want you to do is, oooh,
is a levitation trick.
It's all to do
with static electricity,
as you might have guessed.
Well, the idea is to...
Oh, that's already, whoa, that's...
Oh, oh, no, that doesn't. Oh, no!
Yes! Yes!
- Wow! - Yes, oh!
Alan got it.
You charge up the plastic
and the balloon,
but you have to charge both of them.
Well, yes, you can use your hair.
If anybody's hair can do this,
it's Alan's.
I take that as a slight.
I can't get it off now.
I know, that's as well, as it sticks
to your fingers, you have to just...
- Oh, and now, oh, not quite.
- Yes! Yes!
Oh, brilliant!
Aargh!
Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner
there, very good.
It's that sort of fatal thing
they get in Star Trek
when they didn't have any money.
Ooh, put some music on,
and they go, "Arrgh!"
Someone in a red top.
Thank you, Alan.
We can show you now...
Zara, one of our runners,
who turned out to be
rather a master of this art,
or a mistress, whichever you prefer.
Here she is.
- No! - Yeah. - That's weird.
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!
- Is that not just the draught
from the balloon? - Yeah...
Well, it looks a bit like it,
but actually,
if you try that without having
charged them, it won't do that.
How's her head staying up?
LAUGHTER
There's somebody fanning
her from below!
It's the Black Theatre of Prague.
The fact is, yes, scientifically,
you should be able to do it
repeatably and predictably,
but it's quite hard.
But I promise you this, I will show
you, before this evening is
over, a levitation effect that will
blow your socks off.
Not literally,
but will really impress you.
That's going to come.
Meanwhile, what's the funny thing
about lightning?
Oh. The funny thing about it?
Well, given that it is a natural
phenomenon that mankind
has been aware of for all the time
that we've been on the planet.
It makes you laugh. We're still
captivated, freaked-out and
surprised by it...
- We're captivated, and surprised
and don't understand it. - Oh!
- No. - We can't explain it.
- We know a little bit about it.
- Oh, we do... - We know
that thunderbolt and lightning
- is very, very frightening.
- Very, very frightening!
- It's white, it's forked. - Yes.
- Or sheet.
- It's electric. - "Or sheet," you say?
No, not "or sheet".
Sheet lightning is
the same as forked lightning,
it's just hidden by a cloud.
Oh, so it's an illuminated cloud
that gives that band of...
- Yeah, it's just basically...
Exactly. - OK.
But one of the myths about it is
that it will always strike
what part of a building?
- Highest. - The highest point,
and that's not true.
We've got a photograph to show you
how untrue that is, of it
hitting Grant's Tomb there. There's
a branch of it hitting the top,
but the huge part of the fork there
is hitting two thirds of the way up.
Half of lightning goes
up from the ground,
and at about 300 feet up
they meet each other.
- I know, it's weird. Yes, so...
- What? Lightning goes upwards?
- Oh, yes, absolutely. - Wrong.
No!
90% of strikes
on the Empire State Building,
for example, are ascending strikes,
rather than descending strikes.
I know it seems astonishing,
but photography allows us to see
this phenomenon of it coming up
from the ground
and meeting with the sky forks,
as it were.
- Wow. - "Sky Fawkes". - "Sky Fawkes".
- Weird.
My dad used to, whenever there was
lightning, we had to open
the knife drawer and put a tea towel
over the knives and forks, to
avoid it coming through the window
and striking, and turn the TV off.
It's the only time the TV was
ever turned off,
it was quite a big thing.
The drawer is closed, is that not
doing it?
He'd open the drawer to cover it
with the tea towel.
- No, there's something about
the tea towel. - Individually cover?
You know, tea towels have got
that earthing quality.
JOSH: Did you not have
anything else that was metal?
Just the knives and forks. The taps.
No, I think that's all we had.
That was it.
And can I say
we had no piercings in our family.
How can lightning be beautiful?
Can you picture a beauty
that comes from lightning?
I mean, obviously, there's
something stark and amazing
about photographs of lightning,
which is not un-beautiful,
but actually, the effect
of lightning can be staggeringly
beautiful.
- Oh! - It's called a Lichtenberg figure,
after a very remarkable scientist
called Lichtenberg,
and he noticed, when people had been
struck by lightning,
there was a very remarkable...
- Pattern. - Yeah. And he...
I don't know if you can see it here.
You can see pictures of it there.
There, I'm holding one.
That's...this is artificially
produced,
and it's like a beautiful
fern-y kind of thing.
But you'd get that level of detail,
- would you, on the skin? - Absolutely.
We'll show it on the human skin.
There.
- ..nipples, as well.
- I mean, it's not...
LAUGHTER
It's not a price worth paying,
though, for that, is it?
It looks like a tattoo where there's
a plant on the side of his face.
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
Round the back,
there's a massive pot.
LAUGHTER
Does that remain like that?
Let's just say one wouldn't
throw it out of bed.
LAUGHTER
That would be cruel
if you'd been struck by lightning!
Let's all just say that.
Yeah, so...
From lightning to lighthouses.
How many men does it take to
crew in a lighthouse?
- "Crew in"? - Work it? - Yes. Crew in.
- JOSH: Oh! - Yeah, go on?
It's zero these days.
You're right, these days it is zero.
But we're talking about the past.
How many used it to be
- before they were automated?
- ALAN: One.
- Well, no... - Two. - The fact is,
there always used to be two, in
the early days of the lighthouses,
until something rather unfortunate
happened off the coast
of Pembrokeshire,
where Thomas Howell
and Thomas Griffith,
who you would never guess were
actually Welsh,
and they were a two-man team
in 1801,
and they were known to quarrel.
And unfortunately,
Griffith fell ill and died,
and Howell was rather worried,
because he thought people might
imagine he killed him,
so he wanted to preserve the body,
so he made a sort of wooden coffin
and lashed it to the
outside of the lighthouse,
and unfortunately, a storm arose
and smashed this coffin,
and so the hand of Griffith
started waving,
- as if beckoning Howell...
- And ships started thinking,
"Oh, that person's calling us
over there!"
LAUGHTER
By the time, weeks later,
he was relieved of his duty,
he'd gone almost insane.
People didn't recognise him,
he was described as
just about demented.
Because he'd just wanted to keep the
body to prove he hadn't killed him.
So he went mad because he was
frightened because the corpse was...
- flailing around?
- He was frightened people would say,
"Oh, well, we all know you had rows
with him and you killed him,"
so he wanted to keep the body
as fresh as possible
to show it hadn't been
poisoned or beaten.
But, of course,
by lashing him to the lighthouse...
- I think that makes him
look more guilty. - I know!
- It's most unfortunate.
- He killed him.
- Yeah. - But people believed him.
It's kind of quite a niche scenario
that you've gone...
"Well, in case that happens again,
"we should get
another person in," surely?
- I know! It doesn't make sense.
- They're all sitting round...
"I'm only here in case one of you
two kills each other!"
Someone to go, "Don't lash him to
the side, his arm will do that!
"We've seen it before!"
"Sorry, I DID kill him
in the night." "Oh, you idiot..."
It does seem potty, I grant you.
Who's the most famous person
who kept a lighthouse?
What about Grace Darling?
THAT'S the one we're after.
Though I think her dad was
the lighthouse keeper.
Her dad was the lighthouse keeper.
And there was a shipwreck
and she rode bravely out...
And there she is in Ladybird book
fashion, doing exactly that,
looking utterly transcendent
and beautiful and lovely.
She's completely dry. Just...
LAUGHTER
Just thinking, "Is that an arm...?"
It was in 1838, and a stormy night
off the coast of...
which part of Britain did
she come from, do you know?
Scotland?
A bit further down.
England.
- Wasn't it Cornwall?
- No, it wasn't Cornwall.
It was Northumberland,
or the Northumbrian coast.
She was awarded the Gold Medal
of the Royal Humane Society,
and she was sent
£50 by Queen Victoria,
and poems were written about her
by William Wordsworth,
Algernon Swinburne, and even more
excitingly, William McGonagall.
Which is fantastic.
And she had crowds of tourists
flocking to see her.
She was the celebrity of her age.
Rescued nine survivors
from a shipwreck
off the Northumbrian coast,
which was what made her a hero,
or heroine.
Well, there you are. They had
three men in every lighthouse
in case one of them died
and gave the other the willies.
What's the most famous
lighthouse...?
LAUGHTER
It's legal now.
It's fine, it's legal.
What is the most famous lighthouse
in the world?
Oh, I don't know, the one
on the Needles is quite famous.
The Needles is quite famous, yes.
I mean, there was one
that was the...
one of the Seven Wonders
of the World.
Oh, which is in Spain, is it not?
Or, is that Hercules's Tower or
something, there's a...
It's something Hercules.
Faros, Faros,
it's the Alexandrian lighthouse.
I love the way you looked at me
as though I got that right,
whilst telling me that every
aspect of it was wrong.
- You were, you know... - I loved that,
it made me feel good about myself.
- You were wrestling the puppy
knowledge with great affection.
- Yeah.
Actually all those lighthouses,
the Eddystone, the Kenilworth,
might be known by quite
a section of the population,
but this one, everyone
knows the name of this one.
What they probably don't know is
that it was originally a lighthouse.
- Empire State Building.
- Not the Empire State Building.
- Statue of Liberty. - Yes! The Statue
of Liberty, well done.
- Oh, of course.
- Absolutely right. There it is.
It was visible from 24 miles
out to sea.
It was a gift to America from...?
France.
From the French, yes.
And originally what colour was it?
- Orange. - Was it?
Not red and white like, oh,
like that!
Well, it was always intended to go
green, because it's copper colour.
That's the gayest lighthouse
I've ever seen. It's copper colour.
You're absolutely right, Alan,
it has a thin sheet of copper leaf,
as it were, over it.
- So it can go that...
- Originally it shone copperly,
- but like all copper does...
- Oxidizes. - Yeah. - Gets verdigris.
And so you get copper carbonate
and verdigris is the name for it,
exactly.
You see those domes and things, that
green colour that is Lady Liberty.
And there's her torch.
And in 1986 was the centenary,
and they decided to give her
a bit of a makeover.
And actually, the one bit that
didn't need the makeover
was the copper skin,
except in the torch.
And it needed a special technique
called repousse or repoussage,
and no American craftsman could be
found who could do it,
so a French team came over.
And Americans, we think of them
as very...you know, capitalist,
- as America is a capitalist county,
obviously... - And fat. - And fat!
It's also very unionised,
and the American labourers
were totally antagonistic.
Da Teamsters?
They gave the French...
yeah, they were like Teamsters.
They gave the French workers
the complete cold shoulder.
The French workers wore uniforms,
and every lunchtime, set up
a long table with a tablecloth
and had wine and fantastic food...
and the Americans sat alone
eating burgers and other things
and letting their stomachs push out
further and further.
And the French used this wonderful
technique of little hammers.
"Marteaux", you know? And someone
from the French team said,
FRENCH ACCENT: "We did everything by
hand. The Americans couldn't believe
"that the best way to rivet
is with hammers.
"It's cheaper, faster and better,
"but they will always
try to find some machine."
And that is absolutely...
You go ice fishing with Americans,
they have these... you know,
extraordinary motor augers
- that drill a hole.
- Oh, yeah, like in Fargo. - Exactly.
- Yeah. In the Titanic museum in
Belfast... - Mmm.
..which is quite good.
LAUGHTER
They'll be using that
on all their promotion.
"Quite good" - Alan Davies.
IRISH ACCENT: You'd better do a bit
better, there, Belfast, now.
Not good enough, really, for Alan!
LAUGHTER
I think that's one of his best ones.
You go there and they've got
the reconstruction of the building
of it, and that's the best bit.
- Yeah. - And lots and lots
of the rivets were done by hand.
- Yes, they were.
- And you'd got hundreds of riveters,
and they would do an incredible
number of rivets in an hour,
and in awful conditions.
Very cramped, hot...and so...
It's really quite absorbing.
Riveting, I meant(!)
LAUGHTER
I was at the airport in Belfast,
and I bought the journal
of the Titanic Society -
a sort of photocopy,
but quite a fat thing.
And I read it. It's about,
I suppose, a hundred pages,
and lots of stuff about the captain
and the way it was put together -
not one reference in the entire
book to the fact that it sank.
LAUGHTER
I love it when people are positive!
LAUGHTER
With the Titanic Society, their ship
is always half-empty of water.
LAUGHTER
There's a wonderful
Thomas Hardy poem
called The Convergence Of The Twain,
and it takes the point of view
of the iceberg and the Titanic,
and the two converge.
And what's rather wonderful is, each
verse is the shape of the Titanic.
It has two or three words
at the top, then a long line,
then a shorter line,
and a shorter line,
so each verse is boat-shaped.
He should have done it so it wasn't
just that, but it animated.
- LAUGHTER
- I know! - The iceberg coming at it.
Yeah! Like a flicker book.
Was it Bill Tidy who did the most
fantastic cartoon of all time?
- And it was a queue of people...
- Oh, I love this one, yeah.
.."information about Titanic",
and people are queuing up
to find out about survivors,
women in shawls, and at the back,
there's two polar bears
standing, calling,
"Any news about the iceberg?"
LAUGHTER
- I love that! So great. - Perfect.
But I've always thought that
had I been on the Titanic
when it hit that iceberg,
even though you know you're going
to perish,
seeing, like, 40 penguins fall over
is probably about as funny...
- LAUGHTER
- I think the possibility of
- seeing penguins in the North Pole,
or the northern reaches
of the planet, is pretty remote.
- But there are...
- They come from Antarctica.
Oh, damn that global warming!
You might have seen
a Fox's Glacier Mint, probably.
JOSH: What did happen to the iceberg?
- Now gone, broken up...
- It moved on with its life.
- Did it? - Yeah. - It didn't face any
punishment, or...?
Now, it would be followed
around by the press!
LAUGHTER
Raking over its life, you know?
"Who is this bastard iceberg?
"He's always been a bastard.
He's foreign..."
LAUGHTER
"Other foreign icebergs we hate
who've ruined our good stuff..."
Nigel Farage, exactly, is...
You don't want an iceberg
moving in next door to you, do you?
APPLAUSE
Anyway, the Statue of Liberty
used to be a lighthouse
and in those days it was brown.
Now for some light relief.
What's the most interesting thing
you can do with a sausage?
Well, she's used hers
for a hairpiece.
- She's coiled that round.
- A lovely little... Yeah.
What's the most interesting thing?
It's got to be something to do...
- With the loo. - It's got to be. - Yes.
I'm going to give you the points,
because there is a way,
which is very lavatorial,
in which you can improve a sausage,
which is quite interesting
and very surprising.
What, poo in it?
- Yes. - Oh... Come on! Really?
Baby faeces in a sausage will
improve a sausage. Now...
Oh, no,
and I've been throwing them away!
- Bear with me here. - You need to get
some casings and eat that. - Yeah.
Bear with me here.
According to a study
in the journal Meat Science -
M-E-A-T Science -
you make sausages healthier
by adding bacteria
extracted from babies' faeces.
Now, the point is,
many sausages, pepperoni...
What are they doing in laboratories,
for God's sake?!
What they try and do is improve
things for us to make us healthy.
And pepperoni and salami are made
with bacterial fermentation.
And the best way you can do that
is to use what are known as
pro-biotic bacteria, ie, bacteria
that are said to be good for you.
And, oddly enough,
this Catalonian team
decided that one of the best types
would be baby faeces,
because, by definition,
they would have
passed through the human system
and passed out again,
and because baby faeces
are easy to obtain -
in fact, the study used nappies
provided by mother and baby
support groups.
Still don't make it right.
Professional tasters confirmed
that sausages tasted the same...
- Oh! - Who does that for a living?!
- I know. - Did they know what they...?
They tasted the same,
you wouldn't notice.
That's a rough day down
the Jobcentre, that is.
They are lower in both fat and salt
and therefore healthier.
But it's poo, Stephen!
It's literally poo!
It gives a new meaning
to potty mouth, doesn't it?
But it does mean that Alan
gets his Spend-A-Penny bonus,
- which is very good news.
- Shut the front door.
APPLAUSE
Though, in fact, that was
a supplementary question,
because the original question
involved the use of sausages
in history.
Sausages...such that a country...
We showed you a photograph
that shows a country that
is really fond of sausages...
- Germany? - Yes.
It's so useful with the sausages,
for Germany, at a particular
time in history, that people
were banned from eating them
and they were banned in Poland,
in Austria,
in northern France, and...
Were they using them
as part of the war effort?
Yes, World War I.
The Germans had a very impressive
weapon, which terrorised London.
GERMAN ACCENT: The Bratwurst lasso.
Which can take a human head off
at 100 paces.
- The Zeppelin.
- The Zeppelin, is exactly right.
The Graf Zeppelin, the Count
Zeppelin invented this dirigible.
Are you saying
that's one enormous sausage?
Well...
They flew and they dropped
baby excrement over London.
What made it lighter than air?
- Helium. - Helium.
- Not helium, no. - Hydrogen.
Hydrogen, that's why they were
so dangerous,
because hydrogen
is very combustible.
And they would go over London
and the chappie at the bottom
in the little gondola
- would drop a bomb...
- You make it sound really lovely.
"The little chappie would go
over London..."
But the thing is, the hydrogen
would easily leak from the patches,
and they found that sausage skins
would go over the joins,
and they would latch onto
each other, a bit like Velcro,
they would stick to each other
and they'd seal the whole thing
so the hydrogen wouldn't leak.
Well, now...
God, more bad news for pigs!
LAUGHTER
It was cattle rather than pigs,
it was beef sausages.
So they would just fly
like an apocalyptic cow balloon
- over the top of London
and just drop... - Yeah.
And bullets would go through
and they wouldn't be enough
to bring it down, and it took
two years for the British to learn
how to use incendiary bullets
to cause the hydrogen to blow up.
Were they ever struck by lightning?
Yes, three Zeppelins
were downed by lightning.
- Yeah, how about that?
- That's brilliant.
It shows that God was on our side.
A quarter of a million cows
they used, per Zeppelin -
that's pretty impressive.
So a quarter of a million cows
went into the making of a Zeppelin?
Per Zeppelin, yeah.
Which is why they had to
stop the Germans,
the Austrians, the Poles
and those in Northern France
at the time
from getting their sausages.
What a shame they didn't do a big
cow's face on the front of it.
Oh, that would have been brilliant,
wouldn't it?
They just don't have those artistic
flourishes, the Germans, do they?
- Everything's very functional. - That
was my problem with the Nazis(!)
We spoke earlier about lightning
and the Empire Strike...
- er, Empire State Building.
- Empire Strikes Back!
Confusing me and driving me...
The Empire State Building.
What's the connection
between the Empire State Building
and big dirigible balloons?
- It was a mooring place.
- Yes, a mooring place.
They originally thought they'd be
able to land passengers on the top.
- I've seen that picture. - Wow. That...
One of these did actually moor
itself, in 40mph winds,
- for a few minutes.
- What they needed to do,
they needed to rub the top of it
with a towel...
LAUGHTER
- Somebody rubbing the airship.
- That would have done it.
And what is the mast for?
Do you know what the mast is...?
The mast was only there to be taller
than the Chrysler Building.
You're absolutely right.
The Chrysler Building,
they didn't know...
APPLAUSE
Were they built at the same
sort of time, and competing?
Yeah, the Chrysler Building was
going to be the taller one,
and they took the mast up the inside
of the Empire State Building
and stuck it on the top at the end.
The Chrysler Building, I think
we can all agree, is more beautiful,
although they're both quite
marvellously decorated.
- They are. - But the
Chrysler Building is stunning.
Well, there we are.
The linings in German airships
caused a sausage shortage
in World War I.
What was the charge for
the world's first charity single?
Oh, it's not going
to be Band Aid, is it?
- Is the clue in charge?
- Yes, it certainly is.
The Charge of the Light Brigade?
Well done, you.
Absolutely. So that's the beginning
of the puzzle opened up.
So, how can the
Charge of the Light Brigade
have anything to do
with a charity single?
You can't really release...
They didn't release a single.
Well, not a single, as it wasn't
called a single in those days.
Tennyson, there are cylinder
recordings of Alfred Lord Tennyson.
- Indeed. Yeah. - So maybe he read
- the Charge of the Light Brigade
onto cylinder. - He may have done.
His voice, "I am Alfred Tennyson,"
you do hear that, absolutely.
He did live into the age of the
phonograph, as it was then called.
But this is actually slightly
more touching, in a way.
There was actually a bugler
who recorded the Charge,
which is a particular call
on the bugle,
and he was himself a survivor
of the Charge of the Light Brigade,
and I'll give you all
the full details of it.
He plays the charge
that he blew on the day,
on a bugle that
was used at Balaclava,
which had also previously
been used at Waterloo.
- It's a heck of a historic bugle.
- That's a pedigree, yeah.
It was recorded
as a charity single to raise money
for veterans of the Charge
who had fallen on hard times.
And we can play it...
That's the last thing
they want to hear, though, isn't it?
They'd be terrified. Oh, my God!
But we can hear it now.
SCRATCHY RECORDING
OF BUGLE PLAYING
There you are.
That was Martin Landfried,
who was a bugler
and he made that recording in 1890,
and the Light Brigade was 1854.
Incredible quality.
It's not bad quality, really, is it?
And that was to help all veterans?
Or just specifically veterans
of that particular failed...?
- Specifically the veterans
of the Charge, yeah. - Yeah.
So the call we hear brought the line
from a canter to an all-out gallop,
but almost all of what we would call
a charge was actually a trot.
So the whole thing was called
an advance until the last 200 yards,
when the Charge was sounded,
and then, bang!
But at Balaclava,
they did more galloping
than they would at a normal
British charge,
which was one thing that made it
so hopelessly extraordinary.
Half a league, which is 1½ miles,
cos a league is three miles.
So "Half a league, half a league,
half a league onward
"Into the valley of Death
rode the six hundred."
Is that why they failed,
because they sort of peaked?
Well, they failed because
they simply rode into guns.
- Yeah. - It was insane.
The fact is, the Charge of the
Light Brigade was pretty disastrous.
But it did cause the first
charity single.
So, bugler Martin Landfried lifted
the spirits of the Light Brigade
at Balaclava.
How did Chicago
get completely screwed up?
They put Catherine Zeta-Jones in it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You are a naughty girl.
- I love that film, it's brilliant.
- Didn't she get an Oscar?
- Yeah, she won an Oscar.
- I'm joking, she was really good.
- I liked it. - It was a cheap shot.
The sort of Bob Fosse-style
choreography.
- They boarded it up with screws.
- Sort of.
- Is it literally screwed up?
- It was.
Is it to do with Prohibition?
Because it's the Windy City?
Not because it's windy, no.
Or Barack Obama. It's always
prohibition or Barack Obama.
- No, it was before either.
- Valentine's Day Massacre.
It's always Prohibition or Barack
Obama or Valentine's Day Massacre.
- Before any of those things.
- So it's, what, Victorian?
Literally the founding of Chicago.
It was a huge stop off on Lake...?
Michigan.
Michigan, Lake Michigan.
And, unfortunately,
it was built on a swamp,
and typhus and typhoid were
absolutely ravaging the population.
So they decided,
with good old American know-how
and sort of optimism,
they would jack the city up,
they would screw it up with
screw jacks, as they're called.
And there you can see the grey bit
all along the bottom,
because they literally
were screwing it up,
while people were living in it.
There was the Tremont Hotel,
for example,
which covered a whole acre,
which they screwed up, there it is.
They screwed it up
and they didn't even close the hotel
while it was being lifted up
off the ground.
And underneath, in the space,
the crawl space, you might say,
they put sewage
and fresh water and so on,
and it was a resounding success.
And Chicago became...
So there wasn't someone
who went to bed in that hotel
and woke up and went,
"What the hell has gone on?"
- "I'm on a different floor!" - Yeah!
And, also, the river
was full of sewage,
it flowed into the clean Michigan,
and so with an ingenious
system of locks they made it
reverse in the other direction.
And once a year they dye the river,
which goes beautifully
like a Venetian canal,
they dye it green.
Why would they do that?
- Paddy's Day. - Indeed.
Cos there are lots of Irish and
they have the bagpipes and so on.
And it's a beautiful city,
I love it.
That is actually for real,
we haven't done that with Photoshop.
- Really? - Yeah. That is how it looks.
So what dye, what...?
Green dye.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'm sorry,
I can't do better than that.
- I'll accept that. No, no.
- I wish I could help.
Probably named viridian
or something, emerald.
The towns and cities
further down the river
get St Patrick's Day
on the wrong day.
LAUGHTER
Yes, the entire city of Chicago
was jacked ten feet in the air
to make room for the plumbing.
Now let's lighten the mood with
a little light General Ignorance.
Fingers lightly
on your buzzers, please.
Name one of the rules
in a walking race.
You're not allowed to run, are you?
Well, you certainly can't run,
but how do you judge that?
Isn't it that some part of your foot
has to be in contact
with the ground?
Oooh...
KLAXON BLARES
There you are, you see.
Are those shorts strictly legal,
though?
- No. - Oh, hello!
- There's a little bit of swinging.
- Oh, God, you can really see it!
- Just cover that with your hand.
- Oh, dear. - Oh, that's really...
Please make that stop. Oh! Wahey!
Please make that stop.
- Oh, that's so wrong. - Oh, dear.
Ah, he's getting nearer! Oh!
Look at the feet!
God, no, no!
- Look at the feet! - God, no!
I feel like we've gone back
to the sausage round.
It's gone, it's gone.
Look at the feet,
don't look at the trunks.
That isn't a tip to one of the rules
we should know, is it?
- No pants. - Yeah. Swinging basket.
Keep the junk in the trunk,
I think is one of the rules.
No, the fact is, I will read you
the rule if you want to know it.
- It's the...
- Why are penises so funny?
From the International Association
of Athletics Federations,
the rule book says, "Race walking,"
as it's called,
"is a progression of steps so taken
that the walker makes contact with
"the ground so that
no visible to the human eye
"loss of contact occurs."
All Olympic walkers, when you
slow them down on TV, have moments,
a few milliseconds, sometimes,
when both feet are off the ground,
but it's not visible
to the human eye.
But, of course, nowadays
you can freeze frame
just about anything
incredibly accurately,
so Olympic Games broadcasters
and Olympic judges
get absolutely bombarded
with calls from people
furious cos they've seen
both feet off the ground
and they're convinced
that must be against the rules.
- But, actually, it isn't. - How do you
get into it? That's... - I know.
Because it looks so silly, the
bottom swinging...
We've all...
I know people that are fast walkers,
but you never go...
"You should go for this."
- No, I know.
- But it's that action with the elbows
- that I find really weird. - It's very
hard to talk about it without...
It's like when you go on a spiral
staircase and you do that.
I'm feeling my bum going now.
I've actually picked several
stitches out of this upholstery.
Have you seen that video,
the two women finishing,
trying to finish the walking race?
I'm not sure if it's the Olympics.
- And they end up crawling. - Oh, no.
- It is absolutely...
- Because they're so exhausted?
They're so exhausted.
Both their legs have gone...
Never seen legs go like jelly.
My legs went to jelly.
I did this thing with Bear Grylls
where I had to do this
rappel down a sheer face.
I have never been
so terrified in my entire life.
- I got there, I... - Sorry, you
rappelled down Bear Grylls' face?
- LAUGHTER
- Kind of(!) If you like.
He chose the face.
LAUGHTER
And then your legs went to jelly.
LAUGHTER
The really frightening thing was,
he took me to the edge
and then there was 45 minutes of...
Sorry, Bear Grylls took
you to the edge...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
APPLAUSE
And then what? Then there was
a tantalising 45 minutes...
I mean, that's a wait.
That is a wait.
- That's high-tensile, that is.
- I'm so sorry.
- The real thing! - Yeah.
Sometimes I don't know
what comes out.
To be on the cusp for 45 minutes...
There was 45 minutes of true
talking about safety things
and about the sound people hiding
themselves in nooks and crannies
so that a helicopter shot
could go round...
Top drawer porn.
LAUGHTER
You don't get many aerial shots,
do you?
You won't get that on Redtube.
So once I'd got down this sheer
face, I found my legs had -
exactly the same - just gave way.
I couldn't stand.
So I had to arse-luge
all my way down this slope...
LAUGHTER
And it ripped the entire outer
layer of trousering.
Did it sound like this?
RIPPING CLOTH
- Yes, it did! - Hang on...
PIG SQUEALS
LAUGHTER
He is terrible. Anyway.
Race walking is often seen
as a comical event
and someone once described it
as like having
a competition to see
who can whisper the loudest.
Now, here's the crew
of the International Space Station.
Why are they weightless?
- Oh... - Yes?
- Because they're in zero gravity.
- Oh, dear!
- A common misapprehension. - Yeah.
No, that's not it at all.
There's a huge amount of gravity,
they're very close to the Earth.
- The moon is... - Oh, so they
weren't in flight at that point?
No, they were orbiting the Earth.
But they're in free-fall,
a bit like sky divers.
And, fortunately, unlike sky divers,
they're also travelling
sideways at the same time.
If they weren't,
they would crash into the earth.
So there's certainly not zero
gravity, there's a lot of gravity.
The Space Station, and the
astronauts in free-fall inside it,
is plummeting towards the Earth
but, because of its curvature,
the ground is falling away
from them at the same speed
as they're falling towards it.
To put it another way, the
Space Station is constantly falling,
but its tremendous horizontal speed
means that it always falls
over the horizon.
They love karaoke, don't they?
They love that.
But it's not that there is
no gravity acting on them.
There's a huge amount of gravity
acting on the spacecraft,
or it would just be lost in space.
So, you didn't do so well on that,
so maybe you'll do better on this.
Why do spacecraft
get hot on re-entry?
Why do they get hot?
- Friction? - Oh, darling Sue, thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- We hoped for that.
Yeah. Well, you came to the right
place if you wanted idiot.
No! You're not idiotic,
most of us would have said friction.
It's not friction, actually.
It's what's called a bow shock.
It's the pressure
on the air in front of it,
like a bow wave of a ship,
and the faster you go
the hotter it becomes, because of
this enormous pressure on the air.
And there are other examples
of that sort of effect,
like a sonic boom, for example,
when you're going faster,
which is also a sort of bow shock.
Everything I know about space
is entirely taken
from Sandra Bullock's performance
in Gravity.
Everything I know about space comes
from reading The Right Stuff,
and I know that if you get it wrong,
when you re-enter,
- you can skip off the atmosphere.
- Oh, absolutely.
No, what, like a stone?
Yeah, then you'll just
never come back.
- Then you just keep going. Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, the fact is, spacecraft
heat up on re-entry
because of the bow shock,
not the friction.
What do beavers eat?
Good beaver shot.
- LAUGHTER
- Yes, Josh.
Erm...wood.
..is the right answer.
We were hoping you might say fish.
They are, in fact, completely vegan.
They just eat wood and plants
and algae, seaweed,
things like that.
Absolute nightmare
at a dinner party.
The wood course. So they dam the
river just for breeding purposes?
They dam the river for breeding,
exactly. For creating a lodge.
I've seen one. I've stood on one.
You stood on one?
- Oh, you can.
They're really solid. - Oh!
Did you deliberately stand on it?
- Yeah, well, it... - You can. You're
invited to. - Is it like surfing?
- It's like a tourist thing. - They don't
mind. They don't seem to mind.
You can get from the bank onto it,
and it's this great construction
of logs and branches.
Oh, I thought you stood on a beaver!
You didn't stand on...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
I thought you were beaver-surfing!
We've all got the internet,
after all!
Beaver-surfing is quite different.
I'll tell you a very interesting
beaver fact, though.
If you take a beaver
out of its natural environment,
which is by a river,
and put it in the middle of
a forest far from a river,
and turn on a tape recorder which
has the sound of a gurgling river,
it will build a dam.
It doesn't need to see or
feel the water.
Unfortunately, in Scotland
and places like that where
there have been attempts to try
and reintroduce the beaver,
people wrongly think they eat fish
and that they'll threaten
the salmon or trout or whatever,
but, of course, they don't eat fish.
- They just destroy forests!
- Well, yeah!
Well, they have a nibble, anyway.
And, finally, who fancies
a quantum-locking levitation lark?
And to help me tonight
we have Professor Andrew Boothroyd
of the Physics Department
of Oxford University.
Hello, Andrew!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
So, here we go, this is going to go
over my head, so I'm going to duck.
Ta-da! There it is.
An exciting tray and what looks
like a bit of sort of Scalextric
and let's just line it up there.
We've got a little bucket here,
what's in this bucket, Andrew?
That's a bucket of liquid nitrogen.
Liquid nitrogen which,
as you know, is extremely cold,
and I'm going to dip a rose into it,
just to show how cold it is.
I'd better put these gloves on
first. Health and safety.
Heston Blumenthal's
making a rose dish!
Oh, and these. All safety.
Safety, safety, safety.
- Yeah, as long as you're safe,
that's the main thing! - Yeah, quite.
Here we go.
So, I'm going to dip a rose into
this, you might have had this...
Ooh! Bubbles away.
It's really cold now.
And it might even shatter.
Oh!
Look at that, like glass.
- Shall I not touch the bit that's
landed on me?! - No, that's fine.
LAUGHTER
Is it burning into your skin?
It shatters like glass.
I've got a little wart on my finger,
is this a chance to burn it off?
- You might get a little cryo...
- And the rest of your hand.
It would be a great way of dumping
someone on Valentine's Day.
LAUGHTER
So, what have we got here, Andrew?
We've got here a piece of
ordinary-looking black ceramic,
which, when we cool it down
to very low temperatures,
acquires a very
extraordinary property.
- OK. - So if you'd just like to cool it
down with liquid nitrogen.
- I shall baste it with liquid
nitrogen. - Oh, my word.
- There we are.
- And we have a second one over here.
- Oh, right. - Do that one, too.
- I'll cool that, as well.
This is like the beginning of
every pop video in the '80s.
Tell me what's particular
about this?
It loses all its resistance,
its electrical resistance,
- and becomes what's known as
a superconductor. - Ah, yes.
That's one thing.
And the other thing is that
it acquires the property
that it can bend
magnetic field lines
in such a way that it
will always try
to resist any motion, even if that
means hovering above the ground.
All right. So let's pick it up
and pop it...
Whoops!
There it goes.
- Whoa! - Oh, wow! - Cool.
- Yeah, it's pretty good, isn't it?
- Literally.
That makes no effect
and you can just give it a tip...
SUE: Oh, that's very strange.
Yeah. There we are.
And as it warms up
it'll slowly sink.
- Oh, wow. - There you go.
Is this what you do most days
at the Oxford University?
Almost every day.
It's not a bad old job.
So this one here,
is very exciting.
And now it's nice and slidey.
But look at this.
Cool. And what's happening there?
- It's the magnetic field, isn't it?
- That's correct. - It's interrupted
- by this superconductivity.
- But it's not like a normal magnet,
cos a normal magnet would repel
when it's up that way
and then it would just fall off.
So this is both repelling
and attracting at the same time.
I'm going to give it one
more little go
and then we can try it
on the track.
I thought you were going to say,
"And then we can try it on Alan."
- LAUGHTER
- That would not be nice.
No!
Upside down in a bucket of nitrogen.
There we go. Pop it there.
- Oh, wow! - Fantastic.
- Round it goes. - That's cool.
- That's amazing. - Isn't it good?
FRANK: Can someone
pass the Sellotape?
- It's like a steam train.
- And it's like a steam train,
it can go the other way.
- We can put the wrong
type of leaf on the track.
- LAUGHTER
And is this going to get us to Mars?
That's the main question.
Well, what do you think, Andrew?
Are there any practical applications
we can think of?
You could use it as a piece
of transport like that,
but it's expensive because
of the cost of cooling the nitrogen.
So it's not efficient.
But if we could find
a superconductor
that worked at room temperature,
then it would be viable.
- Right.
- SUE: Are you working on that?
We are, yes indeed, yes, I am.
I trust you.
JOSH: I bet they're not!
They're just playing with this all
the time, that's what I'd be doing.
I know, isn't it gorgeous?
So you'd think it would almost
be like a maglev train.
That's what it would be like.
- Oh, there we go again.
I love that. - Oh, I love it.
And this, of course,
can go on here, as well.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh! Oh!
Argh! Ahhh!
Don't be too scared. It's all right.
LAUGHTER
What a pussy!
Sorry!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- That's my favourite one. - Boing!
Oh, it's coming round, it's coming
round, it's coming round!
Unfortunately, this one is less
insulated and it'll probably get...
- Oh, that's stopped it.
- It's doing pretty well.
- It is, isn't it? - Oh, my God,
that's coming for me. Oh, no.
Cool.
Oh, there you go. Bless its heart.
That would be like the best
Christmas present in the world.
What is the magnet made of?
It's rather exciting names -
boron and...?
The magnet is made of neodymium,
iron and boron
- and that's what the track
is made of. - Neodymium?
- Neodymium and iron and boron.
- Wonderful.
The superconductor is made
of gadolinium, barium,
copper and oxygen.
SUE: But you can just use
sticky-backed plastic...
LAUGHTER
..and a Fairy Liquid bottle.
Well, there you have the miracle
that is quantum levitation.
- Thanks to Andrew Boothroyd.
- SUE: Amazing, Andrew, amazing.
- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
- Thank you, Andrew.
- Thank you so much.
For once I can say
what could be cooler than that?
That's all the levity
we've got time for,
so let's have a look at the scores.
It's very exciting.
I'm afraid, bringing up the rear
with minus 14 is Sue Perkins.
APPLAUSE
With minus seven, in third place,
is Frank Skinner.
APPLAUSE
Well, in a brilliant second is
Josh Widdicombe, with five.
APPLAUSE
- Be still, my pulsing member,
in first place...
- LAUGHTER
..with 11 points, is Alan Davies!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Well, thanks for watching
and good night
from Sue, Frank, Josh, Alan and me.
We leave you to ponder upon the last
words of the French satirist,
Francois Rabelais, in 1553.
These were his dying words -
"I have nothing, I owe much,
the rest I leave to the poor."
Good night and thank you.
APPLAUSE