QI (2003–…): Season 11, Episode 11 - Kinky - full transcript

Gooooooood evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening

and welcome to QI, for a show
that is unashamedly kinky.

Joining me on the top shelf
at the newsagent's tonight are...

dominatrix Janet Street-Porter.

APPLAUSE

Nun-on-the-run Sandi Toksvig.

APPLAUSE

Naughty vicar Johnny Vegas.

APPLAUSE

And kinky Tinky Winky, Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE



Right,
but before we get down to business,
I want you all to give me the horn.

Janet goes...

BUZZER: You've been
a very naughty boy!

Sandi goes...

WHIP CRACKS

Johnny goes...

SCREAM

And Alan goes...

MUSIC: "Match Of The Day Theme"

Whatever floats your boat.
Now, on with our first question.

Describe the technique
of the world's greatest kisser.

- Was there a contest? - There was.
- An actual winner?

- There was, and there was a winner.
Yeah. - Was it a human, or an animal?

It was a human.



Have you been kissed by an animal,
ever? Janet?

Mmmmm... A donkey, maybe.

- I've kissed a... - But only in
a non-sexual... - You didn't know?

Do you know, a tiny, tiny bit of
bile came up in the back of
my throat.

This was a competition,
and as you might imagine,

if cliche were piled upon cliche,
which nationality would win?

- Scandinavia? - The Italians. Italian.

The Scandinavians,
the Italians. No, the...

- The French? - Les Francais. Oui.
- Oh, it was the French.
- It was the Francais.

- I'm thinking it's the Scottish.
- Have you found them particularly
good osculators?

No, I just did a quick
survey in my head.

And I could only remember
four countries.

And it certainly wasn't
the Australians.

No. No. No.

His name was Andre Brule,

he was a famous actor in the first
part of the 20th century.

A rather stylish actor.
And there was a competition.

It was just after the First World
War, and it was in Biarritz.

80 participants as far away
as Russia and America took part.

And American kisses were
described as...? Flaccid.

- Oh. - I would have said forceful.

Forceful, no, you would have
thought. Russians were eruptive.

Italians - burning,
which you'd think was good.

Ardent is another word for burning,
ardent kisses.

I'm still on "erupting" kisses,
what are those like?

- I've no idea. Volcanic. - Yes.

That was the bit of sick
in the back of your throat.

That's not where you think you're
getting a normal kiss

and they stick their tongue out
and you weren't expecting it?

Oh, that can happen, yeah, I know.

Or you kiss something
and you put your hands up
and you shout, "Bingo!"

- But I'm afraid the word that was
described for English kisses is
almost all too predictable. - Cheap.

Oh, wet.

- Frigid. - Wet. - Moist. - Frigid?
- Tepid. - Tepid.

GROANING

I know, wonderful! How disappointed
as a nation we are.

Spanish were vampirish
or "vampeerish",
however you would say it.

Vampire-like. But the winner, who,

although he was a Frenchman, French
kisses were described as chaste.

- Which is most surprising. - Really?
Because French kissing is... - French
kissing itself is far from chaste.

- ..is cataglysm.
- It's cataclysmic. Exactly.

- The actual word for it
is "cataglysm".
- Is that what they call it?

Yes, and it's something pigeons
do, bizarrely. Who knew?

- When you see two pigeons billing
and cooing... - Cooing.

Yes, they're actually sticking their
tongue down each other's...

- Not swapping pigeon milk, which
is...? - No, it's better
to say to somebody

if you want a French kiss, "Do you
mind if we do a bit of catagylsm?"

- They're bound to say yes, because
they've no idea what it is.
- You may be thinking of cataglottism?

- Cataglottism! - Which is the tongue,
the glot. Cataclysm is a disaster.

- No, I think you misheard me,
it's my Danish accent.
- Oh, I see, right! Cataglottism.

Can I ask Sandi a question
about the pigeons?

- Yes. - Do they have sex
through their mouths?

- No, no, no, it's... - Well, how do
they have sex, just by the way?

- The normal way.
- In the normal way, they have a...

The normal way, yes,
is this news to you?

I know you've been married
a few times, but you don't have
children, do you?

No, I don't have children,
but I've never had sex with a pigeon

- either, I just couldn't see which
bit... - Can I just say that...

Call yourself a Londoner!

The pleasure of Janet questioning
two homosexuals on this subject is
just a...

- Yes, it's true. - I'd love to see you
do a nature show.

"They're doing it! They're doing
it!" No, they're feeding.

Do you have any familiarity
with anything kinky, though?

Yeah, I once had a boyfriend who
said he wanted me to tie him up

and be a dominatrix,
and he booked a suite in a hotel

and ordered a load of drinks,

and just as the butler brought
the drinks, he got out a dildo and

a pair of handcuffs, so I had to sit
on both sex toys at the same time.

- Oh, my God! - Anyway...
- Sit on the handcuffs?

I sat on everything!
I didn't want me to be associated
with all this hardware.

- No. Oh, to sit on them
to hide them. Sorry. - Yes!

LAUGHTER

Sorry. Were they furry handcuffs,
the...?

No, they were normal ones, and in
the morning when he was asleep,

- I just handcuffed his foot to
the end of the bed and left. - Wow!

You shouldn't have made him
finish your book first.

Hello?

- Is it just men in the kissing
competition? - Yes, it was.

- I suppose they wouldn't have had
women showing off their kissing
technique. - No.

- That would have been thought to be
appalling. - Not in those days,
- exactly.

- So what was he kissing, the back
of his hand? - No, women,
but HE was kissing THEM, it wasn't

- a mutual kiss,
if you see what I mean. - Oh.

He GAVE them kisses. The idea was,
he would grab their waist and push
himself down.

The whole thing was almost like a
sort of ballet dance. It was not
about the actual sort of long snog,

it was about the elegance
with which you did it.

And that's where he won his awards.

And there's a very famous
photograph,

you probably know,
of a similar kiss, which is

amazingly evocative of a great
victory, VJ Day.

- Oh, the one with the sailor
and the... - The sailor and the woman
in New York, which is hugely famous.

And in 2012, that recently,
they were reunited.

They're both alive,
her name is Greta Friedman.

And he is George Mendonsa.
They had never met.

He just simply saw her
in the street, swooped her up and

kissed her and the photographer got
virtually the photograph of the...

- Didn't she rather famously slap him
afterwards? - She was not pleased
- at all, no. Absolutely. No.

But when they had a reunion in 2012,
they were very friendly, and she
realised it was a fabulous moment.

- He was swept up in the joy of
VJ Day. - So did they shag?

I think not, if she slapped him
afterwards, although you probably...

- No, I mean on the reunion.
- No, that doesn't mean...

- On the reunion! - That's my point.
You know, when there's no, you know,
Victory-anywhere-day

and you're just speed-dating
and you do that.

Then you're not likely
to be thanked. Yes.

No, you're likely to end up in
a court with Injuries 4U lawyers.

Yeah, exactly.

According to Theocritus
in the city of Megara,

they had a version of
the Olympic Games where there was
a kissing competition,

which was only between boys.
Yeah, I know. I know.

- "Too late," they cry.
- They had to overpower one another.

- No, no, it was...
- Back to the Greco-Roman snogging.

No, it's those who so sweetliest
presses lip upon lip.

Sweetliest.

- If they'd had that in the Olympics,
I'd have watched. - Yes!

And they returned laden with
garlands for their mothers.

So, if you win the boys' kissing
competition, you get garlands,

which interestingly, in Greek,
is "stefan" - Stephen.

Just thought I'd mention that.

That's what my name means,
and you give your mother

lots of flowers, saying, "I won
the kissing competition with boys."

And she goes,
"Darling, we have to talk."

"Just don't tell your father."
So there you go.

The world's greatest kisser was
a French actor named Andre Brule,

but who was the most shocking
kisser of all time?

- Oh! - Oh, hello. There we've got two,
they're probably called...

Britney Spears and Madonna. Madonna.

That is, you can just see, is what
pigeons do. That's...

Oh, yes, yeah.

There's only one marshmallow left.

LAUGHTER

I've only ever had one screen kiss,
and it was with the wonderful
American comic Mike McShane.

- Oh, yes, terrific. - Mike McShane.
- You did a sitcom.
- We did a sitcom together.

He knew I was very nervous about
the kiss, because I wanted it

to be...I didn't want it to be
comic, I wanted it to be real.

There's always that worry
when you're doing a comedy.

And he knew this
and so I was very anxious,

and the very first time he leant
down and he kissed me and passed me
an anchovy with his tongue!

I was less nervous after that.

Yeah, I had a film where
I had to kiss Jude Law

and Ioan Gruffudd, it was awful.

And they were nude. Oh, God! Misery.

But anyway, shocking kisses,
that's...

I suppose shocks some people
because it's lesbiotic, but...

- "Lesbiotic"? - Well, yes.

I must go home
and give the good news.

- They had a shocking kiss
in Star Trek. - Really?

There's an episode where Captain Kirk
kisses Uhura, Lieutenant Uhura.

So it's interracial.
Oh, very shocking.

- And that was not thought to go well
in the southern affiliates. - Right.

So they shot it so that one of them
had their back to camera.

You knew they were kissing
but you couldn't actually see it

just in case down south
they didn't kick off.

So are we talking about a screen
kiss, or are we talking...?
An electric shock.

- Thank you, Alan. - Is it something
electrical to do with it?
- Yes. The Venus Electrificata.

It's one of those things, whenever
you invent a new technology,

people experiment with it
in extraordinary ways,

and of course electricity, when
the power to generate electricity

first arrived, people tried all
kinds of exciting things with it.

And one of them was to suspend
a woman such that she was not

earthed, and then get men who WERE
earthed to kiss her,

and you can see, he's winding round
there in order to create

an electric current, and you kissed
them and you get a tingling feeling.

Well, when I was a kid, I grew up
in the States, we used to have
electric shock parties.

- You had very cheap sort of...
- You put your tongue on batteries?

No, you had cheap nylon carpet
and we'd turn the lights out

and everybody would stand and rub
their feet on the carpet, and then
go, "Now!"

And you'd all kiss
and there'd be a little spark.

Yes, we used to do that. At prep
school, we had an area which

was cut off for the ponies to graze,
with an electric fence. Sorry.

You'd grab the electric fence
and the shock would go through,

like a wave,
through the whole line of us.

It was kind of rather fun.

There was also Stephen Gray
and his amazing "orphan boy",

who he hung down,
and put a current through him.

And the current attracted
various objects,

and this became so popular,
he actually made a kit.

You had to provide your own boy,
but...

But otherwise you had the kit
with various glass rods

and things like that, that
the electricity would pick up.

But as with all
new inventions of any kind,
people are going to try...?

- Electric cock. - Yes.

And it was the discoverer of
ultraviolet light, Johann Ritter,

decided he would try...in the early
days there was what was known as

a voltaic pile, ie a battery, and
he basically tried it on his groin.

And he described it,

"His organ began in a state
of medium swelling."

What we call a semi, I guess.

LAUGHTER

"He wrapped it in a piece of cloth,"
I hope you're taking notes at home,

"moistened with lukewarm milk,"
that's lukewarm.

Try, poke your elbow in it and if
it doesn't burn and it's not cold,
like with a baby's bath.

OK, you're following? You're taking
notes, I'm doing it slow enough.

"Then delicately you touch the wire
from the positive pole to the

"cloth and with the other hand,
you close the circuit.

"A shock jolted him,
followed by a pleasant tingling.

"The swelling continued.

"Warmth spread from his groin
and then finally, consummation."

What kind of sex was he having?!

- Electric sex. - Yeah, but I mean
before that. - Oh, before that!

"You're a lovely person,
it's not you, it's me.

"I just like dipping me testicles
in warm milk

"and then running a wire from me
because... No! No! It's great.

"Christmas was fantastic,

"but this might spoil it
for the rest of the family."

- Aren't you going to do a display for
us? - I'm not going to do a display!

- Please! - I thought you were going
to say "demonstration".

Boil a kettle and throw it
on your genitals.

Don't try this at home.

You're sitting in your house
and the lights start flickering

- and you know he's at it next door
with the milk cloth. - Yes!

I mean, I'm sorry, but...

Channel 5's gone off, it'll be him
next door with the milk cloth.

You know how every Christmas
they always say,

when all the lights go down, and you
can't cook your turkey, it's because
we're all watching telly.

It's not, because all over Britain
people are...

- Are trying lukewarm milk on their...
- They've got things, milk on their
willies.

- It's all going on. - Yes?
- I shared a dressing room for
a while with a very short actor,

and I came into the dressing room
one evening. He wasn't expecting me,

he was completely naked and he was
trying to get his entire genitalia
up into the basin.

I said, "What are you doing?"
He said, "I thought it was a good
idea, I thought it was a good idea."

I said, "What?"
I'd got some muscle heat-rub.

- Ow! - He thought, "Well, it feels
so nice on your leg..."

It burns! The men are wincing
already in the audience.

Ah. I'm sure Alan has many
similar stories to tell.

Here's a really weird one.

In 2005, a boy was admitted to
hospital with two neodymium magnets,

the strongest permanent
magnets known to us,

trapping a fold,
shall we say, of his penis.

He claimed that he had fallen down,

or they had fallen down his trousers
while he was playing with them.

But they were so strong that they
didn't know what to do.

Magnets can be
demagnetized by heating them

to a very high temperature,
which wouldn't be very kind.

Or they could be hammered apart.

So they were faced with
a real medical problem,

to save this boy's future,
as it were.

So they tried alternative solutions,
such as bigger magnets.

In the end they managed to remove
them by "shearing the magnets
away from each other, moving them

"perpendicular to the
force of attraction."

So, don't try those magnets at home.

Anyway, let's move on.
What's going on here?

- Oh, are they kissing fish?
- They're not...are they not aware
there's a piece of glass?

- Kissing fish? - They're fighting.
- Are they fighting? - They're fighting.

- They're called kissing fish because
it's what it looks like. - That may
well be, but they don't kiss.

- But they're not kissing,
they're fighting. - Exactly right.
Gourami is their name.

They don't kill each other by doing
that, but one will get knackered and
sometimes dies of exhaustion.

It's never utterly fatal.

It looks like
the end of a balloon, doesn't it?

It does, doesn't it? It's just like
the end of a balloon.

And what other fighting fish
do we know?

- Oh, the... - The what-y fighting fish?

Well, they call them Samurai
fighting fish, but...

Not Samurai, no.
Siamese fighting fish.

Very popular, they're used like
cock fighting as a sport.

They keep each separate in a little,
just alone in a tank

so it doesn't waste its energy
by seeing another male.

There's another version
and they have little swords.

Well, they're really vicious
fighters,

and the one that loses just flees
for its life, basically,

but you bet on them, essentially,
it's like cock fighting used to be.

They're not the fish
that eat all that spare skin

- off your feet, are they?
- Oh, supposedly, that's right.
- Have you done that, Janet?

- Have you done that? - No, I'm a bit
worried that if I put my feet in
hot water with the little fish...

This is for pedicures, where they
put these tiny fish in, and they're
supposed to nibble your dead skin.

I'd be more worried that they
didn't want my feet.

- Yes, that would be such an insult.
- You put your feet in
and they all go for the side again.

Ugh!

And get little mouth washes.

LAUGHTER

I've done it.
At first it's really strange,

and then when you get used to it,

- what's stranger is 15 people
filming you. - Ah.

- Whilst you've got your feet
in a tank going, "Ooh".
- You did it on a TV thing did you?

No, no,
I just did it in a shopping centre.

- And 15 passers-by decided... - Yeah,
just went, "Oh, look..." - There's
Johnny Vegas having his feet...

"There's that Johnny Vegas getting
off on putting his feet in water."

Yeah. They have a lung-like organ in
their bodies, these fighting fish.

Which means that they can
breathe air.

And actually, if we had enough
supersaturated water with oxygen,

we would be able to breathe water.

And some people believe this is
the future of the human race,

you know, for diving
and space travel,

and things like that,
that we actually breathe water.

You do know after this I'm going
to go home and drown in the bath,

- don't you? - No, don't! I'm going
to write out a list...

I take in bits of what you say to me
and then guarantee my family

it's safe, "Stephen said
I can breathe underwater."

There are certain earlier things...

I am the future!

There are some earlier things
I've recommended that you can

certainly do, but not the breathing
underwater. But the lukewarm milk
is fine, you can try that.

- Yeah. - I'd rather...

I'd rather just drink it.

What?! Oh, the milk.

Right. Sorry.

God, yes, I understand. So, good.

When gourami appear to be kissing,
they're actually fighting.

What's so attractive about
ordinary people?

Not the movie, which is a very fine
movie, of course. Mary Tyler Moore.

It's them massive cars they drive,
the... Buses.

Ordinary people drive buses.

- What, you mean ordinary people
are on buses? - Yeah. - Is it symmetry?

Well, it's not quite symmetry,
this is known as koinophilia,

and it seems that if you take
two not very good-looking people

and merge their image, people are
more likely to be attracted to them.

And Galton, who was a famous
criminologist and was interested in
the appearance of criminals, thought

he would try and find the absolute
criminal type by taking photographs

of criminals and merging them and
merging them, and he was astonished

to find the more he did so, the more
pleasant they appeared to be.

So you average-out people's looks

and we are more attracted
to that, it seems.

We've actually done a little
merge of some of our friends

around the table, just to show you
how attractive you look

when you put them together.

- Ta da! - Oh, yeah!

It's Jean from Tenerife.

Oh, no, we look like a tennis player.

You do look like a tennis player,
with an open piano lid.

It looks very nice.
And let's try the other two.

Oh! Oh!

- Serial killer!
- Let's not have children.

- The eyes... - Police are
currently looking for...

There's something a bit odd about
the eyes there.

But it's from your photograph,
Johnny.

We just look like the biggest idiot
in the world.

I think someone took your photograph
and did one of those,

- you know, red-eye things. - No, it
looks like someone who walked in

and caught his parents having sex
and they didn't stop.

He's the sort of man the police say,
"Oh, he was quiet,
always kept to himself."

Yes, he was a loner.

He was just a loner, perfectly nice.

He used to cry a lot at Christmas.

Well, as I say, it's called
koinophilia, and it is this theory.

Recent research, however, from
the Australian National University,

suggests that good-looking men earn
22% more than not good-looking men.

Yeah, because they're attractive
because they're from Australia.

No, within Australia. They're all
Australian. Within Australia.

The 22 better-looking percentage.

A study of female golfers also found
that they were better, they shot

lower scores, and the theory is
that they were more likely to have

offers of sponsorship, and
therefore played that much harder

knowing how much money
they would make.

Surely it's about confidence.

If you look in the mirror
and you think, "Wow, I'm a dish,"

then you get out there and think,
"And I can play golf."

- Yeah, I suppose that's right. - But if
you look in the mirror and weep...

- And think, "What a dog."
- I look in the mirror and I like it.

- And so you bloody well should.
- I never look in a mirror.

My partner's much taller than me
and she put them all up,

so I've never seen...

I have windows at street level and
I just pretend I'm different people.

Just walk past at the same time
and go, "Looking good today.

"Let's get out to that meeting quick
while I've got that nice suit on."

Then I realise I'm
wearing a bin bag.

Anyway, moving on.

Now, what would you keep
in one of these? I have one.

There it is.

Is it a...

- A penis. - Yeah, a penis
is the right answer, Alan.

It usually is the right answer.

- Is it from the...? - Is it hollow?
- Is it an African...

It's hollow, otherwise
you'd have trouble keeping it in.

- Is it from Africa, Stephen?
- It's not from Africa, no.

Where's it from? Croydon.

- It's from Papua New Guinea.
- It's what anteaters wear when
they're going to rob a post office.

"It's just that little bit of
disguise...is that you, Frank?"

"No, no."

I've been to Papua New Guinea
and I've seen it...

- They can be different sizes.
- ..wibbly-wobbling about.

They can be like this.
But, oddly enough, they are not worn
for status, they don't deliberately

have a big thick one like that
in order to suggest greater manhood.

They often have a thin,

rather strangely trailing-away one
with a few hairs on the end.

Like this, exactly.

That would really confuse
Bugs Bunny.

"I'm also de wabbit!

"Or maybe I just wannabe fwiends."

- What's it made of? - It's a gourd.

It's a penis gourd,
and it's a sort of relative of the
squash family, I think, isn't it?

- I went to Papua New Guinea and...
- Amazing place.

It's fantastic, and I was taken
to this remote island on a boat

and then they painted me
with war paint and presented me

with a pig and a pile of yams.

- Oh. - Pig, and then they did these
gourd dances to me.

- To, really, right at you.
- Right at me, yes. I was really,
really impressed.

"They dined on yams and clams and
human hams and vintage coconut wine,

"the taste of which was filthy,
but the after-effects divine,"

- as Noel Coward put it. - I feel just
like that in the taxi rank in Wigan.

But amongst the tribes
that have these kotekas,

as they're called, are, in case
there's any members watching,

and I wouldn't want to leave you
out, the Lani, the Mee,

the Amungme, the Kamoro, the Yali,
the Damal and the Moni.

And the government tried to make
them illegal and sent them
all clothing.

And for so many generations,
they'd gone without clothing

and been totally nude,
except for these penis gourds,

the clothing actually gave them
rashes and all they do now is

they use shorts sometimes
to put on their heads.

But they continue to go naked.

I love the fact that when you read
the tribes out, you went,

"You know, not to offend anyone."

That would be a brilliant
Points Of View when they turn up.

Yes, it would. Yes.

"You missed out my tribe!"

Yes, in an otherwise thoroughly
enjoyable programme, exactly.

So, why is it so difficult

to research the sexual habits
of penguins?

They're very private.

- It's not really that they're
private. - It's cold.

- It's cold, certainly.
- Is it because it's graphic?

Well, it used to be very
difficult to describe

because we used to be very prudish.

Yes, I mean, Scott's trip
to the Antarctic, Levick,

the scientist,
wrote it all out in Greek,

he was so appalled
by what they were up to.

Absolutely right.
He wrote it in Ancient Greek,

knowing that only a gentleman
would be able to translate it.

George Murray Levick, the naturalist
on Scott's ill-fated expedition,

and he discovered what he called
the astonishing depravity

of penguin behaviour, which includes
rampant homosexuality.

Not just homosexuality, but rampant.

To be fair, it's Antarctica -
there's nothing else to do!

Necrophilia and, I'm sorry to say,
paedophilia.

And on their night off,
they dress as pandas.

It just muddies the water.

So he wrote his account in
Ancient Greek, absolutely right,

so that an educated
English gentlemen

would be the only person to
understand it.

The penguins in the London Zoo,
are they doing all this

- in full view of school parties?
- They may well be.

- These particular species...
- You've got to have...

You've got to go to the zoo a lot
before you go,

"Not Kevin!" Generally, you just
go, "There's penguins."

I'm just worried
whether there's a warning
outside the penguin enclosure.

How would you phrase that
for visiting school parties?

"Warning! Penguin might be buggering
auntie, uncle, granddad..."

Stephen, maybe they can't tell,
right, and I just... Don't go mad,

the animal rights people or anyone
else, but maybe if we drug them

and sex them and then we put
tiny bikinis on some of them.

Then the grown-up penguins

can tell who they should be having
sex with and who they shouldn't.

Not bikinis. A nun's habit.

That would confuse the priests!

But the Adelie penguins were
the kind this man looked at,

and it's now thought that his idea
of necrophilia was probably wrong.

- They were asleep. - Yeah, they were!

Was it not that a female lying there
dead with their eyes like that

looked a bit like a "come hither"
look to a penguin?

Yes, they can't tell the difference
between a frozen dead one

and a living one. They look
as if they're coming on to you
if they're lying there dead.

I've had that experience
quite a few times.

It's actually very hard
to sex a penguin,

- by which I mean to determine
its gender. - Give it that stick.

Not for them.
They seem to know instinctively,

either by smell or some other thing.

One of the common ways
of being pretty sure,

assuming it's a straight penguin,
is muddy footprints on the female

tells you that it's a female because
it's been walked on by the male.

The feminists are going to love
this bit. Footprints on a woman.

That's for sex.

It's quite Almodovar, though,
isn't it, if it's high heels.

But I don't think it's high heels
in the case of penguins.

You don't THINK?

I was trying to be, you know,
not too assertive in my knowledge.

Their life is astounding.

I mean, you kind of think they've
drawn the short straw in life.

The miserable cold
they have to endure for so long.

Is it true they used to fall over
during the Falklands? Is that true?

Lots of planes came over,
which they hadn't seen before,

and they went, "Whoa!"

- It's unfortunately a myth. It's not
true. - Oh, it's a lovely story.

It's a nice story,
but it's not true.

Can you imagine in the bird world
if you introduced postcodes?

Penguins would move.

- Yes, they would! SW3.
- Somewhere warmer and bigger wings.

I don't think
they would want to move,

because they've got flippers
and flat feet.

- They need ice to move around on.
- They're born for it.

They're not going to say, "I'm going
to move to the Himalayas,"

- or, "I'm going to move somewhere..."
- You know what, Janet?

You haven't thought this through,
because one,

they wouldn't know
what a postcode is.

And two, they can't fly!

And I doubt one of them
getting on a plane,

by themselves, acting casual after
raping all the family.

I would imagine they'd
be on a no-flight...

APPLAUSE

I'm just saying, in an ideal world,
given the choice, the penguins

would go, "We've had the short end
of the deal." That's all I'm saying.

Don't turn this into Question Time!

- It's like being in a home
for the elderly. - It really is.

They keep taking me stuff!

All right, all right, whatever...

LAUGHTER

Are we having fish?!

- Wheel him into the sun lounge...
- Shut up, Mr Penguin!

So, how did a bunch of choir boys
plan to drive Hitler mad?

We've been very literal there.
There's Hitler in a straitjacket.

It's a, it's a plot. I do know this.

- Yeah? - Porn. - Pornography.
- Pornography, they were going to
drive him mad with pornography.

- That's absolutely right.
- Was the plan. - Yeah.

They had groups called the Cowboys,
who were behind enemy lines,

and the Choir Boys were
the people in Washington.

- That's right.
- And they came up with bonkers ideas.

All kinds of suggestions. I mean, we
did too, bouncing bombs, ridiculous

and yet that was one that worked.

And Churchill chose the date
precisely in May 1943,

when the floods were at
their full height in the dams

and he was in Washington, so that
if it worked he could announce it.

And it would be the first real
invasion into German territory

that caused a massive difference.

And Lord Cherwell, his scientific
adviser, said to him, reportedly,

"But what if it doesn't work?"

And Churchill said, "Then no-one
will ever hear anything about it."

And that's the point
about these mad schemes.

There were all these
really zany plans. But most
of them we don't know about.

And a lot of them were covered up
and probably we never will.
We know about the ones that work.

This is one that didn't work
but we do know about.

- But this was smut.
They were going to drop smut.
- Basically, it was pornography.

- All over Germany, and...
- Well, particularly to drive Hitler
mad, over Berchtesgaden,

his residence.

So leaflets were going to
cascade down from the sky.

- That would drive him mad.
- Absolutely.

The US Army Air Corps described
it as insane and refused to do it.

But it did have an important role
to play, pornography.

And of course, these were
ones that the Germans

dropped on the Allies,
because they did the same thing.

Germans and Japanese.

We didn't have much of a porno
war effort, in Britain.

We were squeamish.
The senior officers,

one was quoted saying he would,
"Rather lose the war
than take part".

Which is simply extraordinary.
Air Marshal Sir Arthur "Bomber"
Harris didn't approve,

said it was just like sending them
free lavatory paper.

What does it say about our troops
that the German troops were willing

to drop the pornography
and ours are going,
"Well, I'm not giving it away.

- "Keep it Frank, we'll sell..."
- I like to think it was a more decent
reason than that, Johnny.

"We'll sell it when we get back."

But dropping leaflets was a big
thing, the first the Danes knew of

the Germans invading was that
the leaflets were dropping over...

Yes, leaflet dropping was
a huge thing. Absolutely right.

It was what's called a black op,
we'd call it now.

Do you know, you must know, Stephen,
about the eavesdropping cat

- that the CIA came up with.
- I've heard about it.

The most brilliant idea.

They got this cat
and they inserted a transmitter

and the aerial was in its tail,
and this was in Moscow,

and the idea was that it would
walk past Russian spies

sitting on a bench
and it would overhear.

And they spent millions on this cat,
and it was terrific

and they'd worked it all out, and on
its very first outing in the park,

it got hit by a taxi.

- It was known as Acoustic Kitty.
- That's right, Acoustic Kitty.

Poor Acoustic Kitty.

The bouncing bomb would be
a war crime now, wouldn't it,

- for the civilians killed? - There
were a lot of civilians killed.

I don't know if it was a legitimate
war target or not, in total war.
I don't think...

- I think since they've agreed.
- There was a good story I came across

when I was writing a script
for the Dam Busters

and there was one of the members
of one of the crews which

crashed after dropping its bomb,
and was picked up by the Germans.

And they were treated pretty well,
and one of them said,

"Well, what do you need? You know,
according to the laws of, you know,

"the Geneva Convention, you know,
are you thirsty?" They said a
glass of water would be lovely.

And he said, "Are you joking?
You have just destroyed
our water supply."

And that was the first time
the guy realised that one of
the bombs had actually worked.

And that's how he found out that
the Mohne had gone, because he was

saying there is no water, which is
quite sweet in its own peculiar way.

- Anyway...
- HE HUMS DAMBUSTERS THEME

One mad idea to win the war
was to use pornography to drive

Hitler mad, as if he wasn't already.

So, what is 80% of the Kama Sutra
about? Back to kinkiness.

- Hygiene. - Hygiene!

Gymnastics. Intercourse.

Oh! Dear me, no.

Well, intercourse
can have the meanings,

but the fact is
only 20% is about sex.

Most of it is about all kinds of
other fascinating subjects.

How to be a good citizen, insight
into relationships between men

and women, tips on tattooing,
the art of making your bed,

playing on musical glasses
which are filled with water,

making lemonade, solving word
puzzles, knowledge of mines

and quarries, the art
of cockfighting. No, don't...

The art of teaching parrots
and starlings to speak.

Nine pages devoted
to the care of wives

and 26 pages on how to seduce
other men's wives.

That's a bit strange.

I love this idea of a child setting
up a lemonade stand and saying,

"Courtesy of the Kama Sutra."

- But on the video, on the film of
the book... - Yes, on 20% of the book.

There's very, very little
starling chat.

I suspect you were getting a video
of 20% of the Kama Sutra.

The author was
a celibate Indian sage,

so what he knew, goodness knows,

but he was called Vatsyayana,

and he lived sometime
between the first and sixth century.

Sometimes, very cleverly, there is
a moral tone that distances itself

between what it tells you...
It says, for example,

all oral sex is wrong.
It then spends pages and pages

telling you how to do it.

- Now, who came up with the missionary
position. - A missionary.

No!

KLAXON SOUNDS

What is the missionary position,
first?

It's the approved position
by a missionary.

Lady on her back, man on top.

Yes, it's a mistake made
by the famous sexologist Kinsey

who named it...

What has been Photoshopped
out of that picture?

Has Mrs Kinsey been removed?

He of course wrote a book on
the sexuality of the American male

and the American female, which
shocked America extraordinarily.

He said that 96% of American males
masturbate regularly

and he was asked what the hell that
said about the American male.

He said, "It says 4% lie."

But as far as the missionary
position is concerned,

it was an anthropologist called
Bronislaw Malinowski

who described an engaged couple
holding hands

and leaning against
each other in what was known as
"misinari si bubunela",

missionary fashion,
and that was just friendliness,
leaning on each other.

It was nothing to do with
man-on-top sex.

He said it was
introduced by white traders,

planters or officials, but never
used the word missionary,

but it was Kinsey who somehow
just got it wrong.

Kinsey himself was a very odd man.

He had an irrational hatred of...
the potato.

- Even chips? - I guess all forms
of the potato. - Do we know why?

No, it was irrational,
that's the point.

I was married to a man that had
an irrational fear of tomatoes.

He was a great big burly film
director, very macho bloke,

but put a tomato in front of him
and he'd start crying.

Day in, day out, you did that. A
cherry won in the medicine cabinet.

Ah!

- Did you know why? - Irrational.

If there was a reason, it would
a rational fear of tomatoes.

There's no such which thing
as a rational fear of tomatoes!
That's ridiculous.

An irrational fear
can have some starting point.

As a child,
a tomato reared up at him.

If I didn't want to have sex,

- I had a tomato sandwich by the bed.
- Very clever.

"Come on, Janet. Oh, God!
A tomato sandwich. Good night."

When Kinsey was nervous,
he would speak in a Scottish accent,

although he was born and raised
in New Jersey.

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"I'm so upset. I'm afraid."

That's right.

And he trained himself to be able
to insert pencils into his penis.

- Into his penis? - Into, into
the urethra. - He trained himself?

You wouldn't train anyone else,
would you, to do that?

He might have put a sign up
and then thought,

"Due to lack of applicants..."

- That not only a pencil, but
a toothbrush, bristles first. - No!

- Yes! - Every year, when his wife's
going, "He's impossible to buy for,"

and he's going, "A travel pouch.
A pencil case!

"I'm tired of carrying things round
in my penis."

"What about a travel iron?" "No!"

His wife actually said,
"I don't see much of Alfred
since he got interested in sex,"

which is a terribly sad thing
for a wife to say about her husband.

- Why he pushed things up his penis,
again, no idea. - Irrational.

So, anyway, which of these foods
would give you the same

number of calories as used
in the average sex session?

- I don't think it's a lot of...
- You don't think it's many calories.

- I think it's quite a lot.
- You think it's a lot. - Do you?
You think it's pizza lot?

I think it's about 400 calories.

400 calories, which would be a good
pizza at least, wouldn't it?

- Maybe a slice of pizza,
not a whole one. - Slice of pizza,
- yeah. You think it's fewer?

I'm going to go for the steak.

- Well, it's interesting.
- I'm going to go for the burger.

- You'll have the burger.
- I'll have a slice of tart.
- You'll have a slice of tart. Hey.

- But without the bread. - And what
about you? - I'll have the courgette
and the shrimp,

- because it's got
quite a lot of possibilities.
- Yes, that is a good ploy.

Well, David Allison, who is a
bio-statistician at the University
of Alabama, looked into it.

And the average sex session
takes only six minutes.

What, from beginning to end?

So the amount of calories
used would be 20,

that's about the same as one egg
white or a very small meringue.

LAUGHTER

There you are. That's...

Does the six minutes include the bit
where you watch the news?

What, to see if you've made it on?

"We've done it,
let's put the news on."

Kinsey showed that it is no easy
task describing people's sex lives,

so these figures are
up for argument.

A 2008 survey by Durex, who might
be regarded as having

a sort of vested interest,
as makers of...

Oh. That's The Graduate, isn't it?
The stage version. Anyway...

She's got that look, hasn't she?

She has. That was a disappointment,
quite clearly.

- Yeah. - That was half a meringue. - Yeah.
- "Are you trying to seduce me,
Mrs Robinson?"

Anyway, Durex reported the average
Briton enjoys 22.5 minutes of
foreplay,

while another survey at around
the same time in Men's Health

claimed that British men
only last 18.64 minutes
from foreplay to climax.

So if we level out those
different statistics, we could argue
that British men take,

in terms of actual intercourse
itself, minus 3.86 minutes.

In the Second World War,

they used condoms to protect
the ends of the rifle.

- In the north, in the final attack on
Norway. - It was so successful

that they decided that
they could do with some

for their 18-inch guns and special
condoms were manufactured by...

- Is this the Churchill story?
- Yes, by Durex.

We've told it on QI, but tell it
again, because it's good.

Well, Churchill insisted that they
be sent out in boxes marked

"for British service personnel
use only. Size small."

He added, "That'll show 'em
who's the master race."

So, if you want to work off
the weight gained by eating

a tiny meringue, sex should do it.

Now it's time for one
of my knick-knacks,

a little scientific experiment.

And all I have to do, yes,
I know, it's terribly exciting,

- isn't it, is bring up this. - Ah ha!

I don't know if you can see in here
the tiny little

grains of a little kind of,
a little crystalline matter.

- And a bottle here.
- Salt and vinegar.

It looks like salt and vinegar.
Bizarrely, that is what is used

for flavouring salt and vinegar,
sodium acetate.

It's got caustic soda and vinegar,
which is what makes sodium acetate.

It's then dissolved slowly in water.
It's very unstable, if I shook it,
it would instantly crystallise,

so I'm going to be very careful
about this. But if you add it to
crystals, it also crystallises,

- and I hope to make a dildo for you.
- Oh, good.

A dildo just out of this liquid.

I'm going to stand up to do it,
if the camera allows me to, because

it needs a steady hand and I need to
keep rising as I'm slowly pouring.

It's a bit like making mayonnaise,
you know, very slowly adding,

adding the oil.

- It's nothing like making mayonnaise.
- No, you very slowly...

You're making a phallus.

You very... No, no, in terms of the
making, but in terms of the pouring.

This could ruin Mothers' Day
for some people.

I'm just going to slowly pour it.

Can you see there's a tiny
bit of crystal on there?

So a really very, very small amount.

- Yeah. - OK. - Here we are.

I've got to have a steady slow
stream, let's just hope it works.

Oooh!

Oh, I say.

- JOHNNY: - It's a snowman dildo.

♪ We're walking in the air... ♪

LAUGHTER

♪ We're going to land
for just awhile... ♪

"Snowman needs his private time!"

"Get off me back!"

It's not very easy
to be very accurate.

I've got to keep doing higher,
otherwise it'll touch itself

and blow back into the bottle.
But there you go. How's that?

Aah!

APPLAUSE

It's exothermic nucleation,

for the science heads out there.

It's slightly warm. It feels rather
gorgeous, and, I mean...

- It's a nice... - He made one earlier.

It's a nice consistency, it's not
poisonous, it's not dangerous, but
it's a wonderful effect, isn't it?

- Yes, I like it.
- It's gorgeous. Yeah, there you are.

It's not an absolutely perfect
dildo, but it's...

What's disturbing
is it looks like mine.

Yes, exactly.

So that was the supersaturated
sodium acetate knick-knack.

And these are the final scores.

And for possibly the first time,
we have three people on plus scores.

- It's thrilling. - What?

The winner, with 11
is Sandi Toksvig.

APPLAUSE

In a very, very fine second place

with three points is Johnny Vegas.

APPLAUSE

And with a shatteringly impressive
plus two, Janet Street-Porter.

Brilliant!

And the only one plunging
into sub-zero conditions,

I'm afraid, is Alan Davies
with minus 15.

APPLAUSE

So it's good night from
Sandi, Johnny, Janet, Alan and me.

Be very, very special with
yourselves, goodbye, bye.