QI (2003–…): Season 10, Episode 8 - Jumble - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language

Well, goooooood evening,
good evening, good evening,

good evening, good evening, good
evening, good evening, good evening

and welcome to QI, which tonight
is just a jumble of J things,

and joining me in the land where the
Jumblies live are an owl, Jo Brand.

APPLAUSE

And we have to have a pussycat,
John Sessions.

APPLAUSE

And a beautiful pea-green
Dara O'Briain.

APPLAUSE

And...all at sea, with
a mind like a sieve, Alan Davies.



APPLAUSE

So, let's hear your J buzzers,
if we may. Jo goes:

♪ I'm still Jenny from the block. ♪

Yes, that was obviously
some female artiste.

- ALAN: J-Lo.
- J-Lo. - Yeah. - John goes:

♪ I got 99 problems
But a bitch ain't one - hit me! ♪

I'd give you ten points
if you knew who that was?

Uh...Usher.

- I think J would have helped you.
- Jay-Z?

- It's too late now. But yes,
Jay-Z is the answer. Jay-Z. - Right.

Or Jay-Zed,
as we call him in England.

And Dara goes:

♪ It's not about
the money, money, money

♪ We don't need
your money, money, money... ♪



- And that was? - The lovely Jessie J.
- Jessie J, absolutely. And Alan:

MAN: # J, we're like Jack and Jill

WOMAN: # K, we're so kissable

MAN: ♪ L is the lovelight
in your eyes. ♪

Aw! It's The Alphabet Song.

I think it was Perry Como.
I may be imagining it.

It wasn't a J person, was it?

- No. - I think it might have been
his brother Jerry Como.

Never mind. Those are your J buzzers
and J is our jamboree today.

So, what do jockeys
use their whips for?

- # Hit me! # - Oh, oh, oh...!

Do they have whips?
Or are they not called...crops?

A riding crop is a whip,
so that's not the problem.

Well, recently they have decided
that they can only use the whip,

I believe, on the flat, eight times,

and in the final furlong,

if they use it more than five times,

they forfeit their portion of
the win, if they do, in fact, win.

Wow, this is very impressive.
For all I know, you're right.

LAUGHTER

I know that in Britain, if you
use your whip more than eight times,

there is almost always going to be
a steward's inquiry.

Only if you use it on the horse.
If you're hitting yourself...

Obviously.
I was taking that as read.

If you go, "Argh, argh!"
They don't mind!

Is he being lowered on
like the old kings used to be?

That is Frankie Dettori's
signature leap from the saddle.

- He's wearing Arsenal colours...
- He is? - ..cos he's an Arsenal fan.

- Is that the reason?
- I made it up.

No, of course, it isn't the reason.
He wears the colours of his owner.

There is, also, the very famous
American jockey Robert Mapplethorpe

- who decided... - Arse jockey! - ..to
put his whip UP his arse. - He did.

And photograph it.
The way we all do, I think.

- And it caused rather a stir
in American circles. - It did.
To say the least.

- It's a variation on the photocopier
thing, isn't it? - Absolutely.

Wherein you put
a photocopier up your arse?

- Oh, surely, we've all been there.
- It was a helluva Christmas party!

No, I'm presuming it's some sort of
encouragement to the horse to run?

You used a very important word -
encouragement

because naturally the RSPCA
and those who care for animals

are not particularly,
frankly, pleased

by the sight of animals
being hit for sport.

They don't find it acceptable.

- Quite a weapon, close up, isn't it?
- It's a heck of a thing,

but there's been a study
by the RSPCA at Sydney University.

They found that whipping
does not have the effect
of horsing a speed up.

Er, speeding a horse up.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
These glasses...

I don't want to get
all street on you there,

but when you horse your speed up,
it does, say,

it's when you get your
methamphetamines
and mix heroin in with it.

And that will make you run!

What have you done with Stephen Fry?

OK. Let me start that again. They
found that whipping does not have
the effect of speeding a horse up.

The RSPCAA claims this settles
the case against whipping.

The study has been criticised
by racing authorities.

They say it's too small
a cohort of testings,

only 48 horses in five races, etc.

According to jockeys, speed is not
the main purpose of the whip.

The main uses are safety
of both horse and jockey,

stopping the horse
from veering, losing balance,

backing off from a jump

or prompting it to change
the length of its stride.

They're never allowed
to use it to coerce the horse.

The other is precisely the word
you used - "encouragement -

which, obviously,
the animal lobby says,

- "Come on, that's just
a euphemism for coercion." - Yes.

"It would be delightful if you could
run just a tiny bit faster now,
this race is almost at an end."

I think we've all seen horses being
enthusiastically "encouraged"

in the last furlong of a race.
LAUGHTER

If you were in a race
with somebody alongside you

- like at a parents' day,
for school... - Egg and spoon.

- More the three-legged one where
you have somebody with you. - Oh, yes.

If one of the people had a whip
and felt that you were lagging

and other parents were beating you
and then whipped you,

your motivation wouldn't be to run,

you'd think,
"Stop whipping me, you prick!"

- You'd punch them in the face. - Yes.

And also the notion that "Ow! You
whipped me on the bum, therefore,
I will be propelled forward,"

as opposed to reacting, veering off,
randomly finding out what is...

I was caned in prep school
and I never won a single race.
It was terrible.

There you are,
they whipped you every day.

They whipped me every day.

Did they whip you during the races?
That would have been
an impressive prep school thing,

if they gave you a head start and
then ran after you with the cane.

- It would be a five-legged race.
- I'm not saying that on a...

When you say "a three-legged race,"
you're thinking of two people,

but what we're talking about here,
Dara, is horses and people.

I wasn't saying that the last time
I went to a school sports day,
I brought a horse

in an effort to win the three-legged
race, and nobody sussed it.

LAUGHTER
I would love to see that.

Have you met
my delightful wife, Juniper?

HE SNORTS

LAUGHTER

What happened to the old carrot
dangled in front of the horse?

Ah, the carrot or the stick,
you're absolutely right.

Well, inflicting pain is not part
of the intended method.

The whip currently used
in British horse racing

has an energy-absorbing design,
which means it does not cause pain
if used correctly, supposedly.

The fact is, some people,

and I have to say, I probably
count myself amongst them,

think it would be a nice idea
to have a sport in which

you didn't have to
hit animals at all. Maybe I'm wrong.

However, what does
a robot jockey do?

Ah yes, these robot jockeys
ride camels, don't they?

You are good,
and you've already got the points.

Yeah, yeah, the robot jockeys,

they're a form of racing
in Dubai, in particular,

- and perhaps across the...
- In the UAE, generally.

They have camel racing and camels
at that speed, probably could not
take a human weight on them,

they'd have to be quite small. So
I am presuming that at some stage

they experimented with either
little people or with children.

But it was reintroduced
by King Fahd of Saudi Arabia

in the 1970s, and children were
indeed taken from their parents

and forced to be the jockeys
on these camels.

What do you mean,
"taken from their parents"?

People would just turn up
at a random house?

I'm afraid, as you probably know,
much of the service industries

are performed
by Sri Lankans and Indians.

The Gulf Arab people themselves
don't do much of the basic work.

It was Indian children
who were taken to be jockeys.

It was not a pleasant story, there's
no way of dressing it up nicely.

How much control do they have
over the camels, exactly?

Well, they've got reins and also
GPS, so they know where they are.

Now, you may say, "Why put a face
and a hat and costume on it?"

The fact is, the camels were spooked
out when the robots just looked
like machines.

The camels were much more relaxed
at the idea that it was a human,

- because they've sort of
grown used to the idea. - Right.

So these only weigh a few kilos,
they're not that expensive.

About 500 each. They whip
the camels by remote control,

because the managers
are following in a truck,

so they do whip, I'm afraid.

They're far lighter
than the child jockeys,

and I suppose it's less inhumane.

They were designed in Switzerland.
Ha-ha.

LAUGHTER

Please may I tell you
the only camel joke that I know?

- Please, please. - OK.

There's two guys in the army
out in the desert,

and there's a new recruit, and
there are no women around at all,

and the new recruit says,
"What do we do for sex?"

And the old guy says,
"I'm afraid it's the camels."

And so that evening, they're all
let out towards the camels,

and the old bloke's
running really fast

and the young guy says, "What are
you doing? It's only a camel."

And he goes, "Yeah, but you don't
want to get an ugly one, do you?"

LAUGHTER

So what are those camels
we're looking at?

What sort of camels are they?

Hang on, I'm sorry,
there is another camel joke.

LAUGHTER

Same starting point, taken from the
first couple of minutes and said,

"Oh I'm afraid there are no women
here, I'm afraid it's the camels."

So, late at night, the guy declares
"I can't take it any more,
I'm as horny as hell,"

and he goes out
and he rides the camel.

He comes back in and he goes,
"Well, that's the best we can do."

And the man says, "Well, actually,
when I said 'We've got the camels',

"we normally ride them into town."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

Anybody else got any camel jokes?

- No. - Excellent.
- They are dromedaries, aren't they?

Those are dromedaries,
and how can you tell?

Because they have two humps.

No, because they have one hump.

Oh. Oh, I thought the robots
were sitting between the humps.

It does look a bit like that. No.

Bactrian camels with two humps
are incredibly rare,

- especially in the wild. That's
a Bactrian on the left. - Oh, yes.

You find them in Mongolia and
in China, and there are probably

not much more than 1,000
left in the wild.

They had them at the zoo
when I was a kid

cos that's the sort I've been on.

That's what we think of as
a proper camel, a two-humped camel.

In fact, it only had one hump,
then I sat on it

and it looked like...
LAUGHTER

Oh, nonsense!

So, there's another sport associated
with camels in another country.

Are you familiar with it?

Smoking?

There is Camel smoking,
that is unquestionably...

- I wouldn't say a sport, but it's
an occupation. - It's sport to me!

It is a physical sport
involving the camels.

Water polo?

No, it doesn't involve humans.
It only involves the camels.

Chess?

I sometimes... I look at you and
I wonder where these things grow,

where they come from,
what's going on.

It'd just be nice to see,
wouldn't it?

It would be fantastic
to see camels playing chess.

"Checkmate."

"Thirsty? Me neither."

"Let's go again."

Um, we have to go to Turkey

and in Turkey, they have
two males and a female

- and as often happens with mammals...
- Three-legged races!

- It wouldn't be three-legged,
would it? - No.

You've got two males and a female

and that tends to make
the two males fight,

so you then take the female away

and you have camel wrestling.
It's a Turkish sport.

It's a kind of wrestling they do.

- They kind of push each other over.
- It does look enormously popular.
Look at the crowds. Yes!

- That's good numbers for camel
wrestling. - It's incredibly popular.

This is given to me
as if it's unusual,

but I suppose maybe it is,
maybe it's just me.

When they're in the mood for sex,

they urinate, use their tails
to swish urine onto their own back,

froth at the mouth,
spit and dribble. Isn't that usual?

LAUGHTER

Also our hind feathers flare

and we stamp.

That's right. Apparently, it seems
they deliberately waste water

by this urinating
and frothing and dribbling

as a way of showing their
superiority, because obviously,

water conservation is what
they're all about as desert animals.

Anyway, why does Joe Camel
like Nosmo King?

- # Hit me! # - Whoa!

Joe Camel was the mascot
for Camel cigarettes.

Yes. There he is. Old Joe.

There's old Joe up there.

And Nosmo King was a British
vaudeville act in the 1930s

and I think, obviously
Nosmo King is "No Smoking".

That's right. He saw two doors.

Once said "nosmo", one said "king"

and when they closed in the theatre,
it said "no smoking".

He wasn't tended to call himself
Fi Reexit or something else that...

Emerge Ncyexit!

No, he wasn't any of those.

- It was in the 1920s, as you said,
then the '30s... - Toi Let.

Roy Alcircle.

But you haven't actually
answered my question,

- which is why would
Joe Camel - like - Nosmo King?

- He'd like... - You'd think
he'd dislike him.

Because Nosmo King used to be
sponsored by Camel tobacco.

No. Joe Camel
and cigarette manufacturers

would like something
that said, "No Smoking".

It makes you think of smoking.

Yes! What psychiatrists have found

is that "No Smoking" signs
make people want a cigarette.

It makes you feel rebellious.

Not just rebellious,
it puts it into your head.

- It reminds me... - Putting
signs up saying, "No Smoking"

- is something that makes people want
to smoke. - Reminds me of the tube.

- It worked very well with that bloke.
- Worked very well with him!

The fact is, anyway, the sign, "No
Smoking" makes people want to smoke

so that's why Joe Camel
would like Nosmo King.

That's a rather complex way
of putting it.

- Now, which one of you can imitate
an expectant jackrabbit? - ♪ Hit me! ♪

- Yeah, wow! That's quick.
- It's a kind of hare, a jackrabbit.

It is a hare.
It's American for "hare", basically.

It's an American hare, yeah.
But the female jackrabbit,

when she gives birth to her young,

makes no attempt to suckle them

and they are just left to...
forage for their own.

So she's a bad mother.

- Daily Mail is going to go crazy
with this.
- I would imitate herlike that, with a fag.

LAUGHTER

- I guess. - What you say may be true,

but there is something more
extraordinarily true about the
pregnancy of the female jackrabbit.

And this was something
that was suggested by Aristotle.

I know how you love
to have an Ancient Greek...

I'm distracted by that rabbit
being fisted in the background.

LAUGHTER
Absolutely.

I don't know who did
our little silhouette.

It's not entirely successful.

It's a good effort and we thank them
for it, but Aristotle suggested

that hares could get pregnant
when they were already pregnant,

which in most mammals...
LAUGHTER

Isn't that rather sweet?

I think you'll agree,
is a bit peculiar.

Aristotle thought of it,
and he was scoffed by scientists

until very, very recently,

it was discovered
that he was absolutely right!

- It was discovered in Berlin.
- Cats do this.

A male hare... Cats?

Cats do do this, yeah.

- A cat can have...
- Impregnated by more than one tom.

Yeah, we have two cats
and they have the same mother,
but different fathers.

And humans even can.

There were twins born in 2010, in
Arkansas, conceived two weeks apart.

They were actually conceived
at different times.

So one egg was fertilised,
then another, so they could
have had different fathers.

Twins with different fathers -
it's a weird idea.

All this is recently new knowledge,
but Aristotle was spot on.

It's known as "superfecundation",

when two different ova
are fertilised in the same cycle.

Aww!

Or it's superconception...
"Aw, the little fluffy bunnies!"
LAUGHTER

So, complete the phrase,
"Pregnant mothers should eat..."

JO: Loads.

LAUGHTER

Erm... Burgers...

The equivalent of
two slices of bread extra per day,

and no more is necessary.

That's probably about right
and that's only in
the third trimester.

The fact is, the idea
that you should eat for two,

which you managed to avoid,
is nonsense.

A pregnant woman should eat no more
than she normally eats.

She might have changes in appetite.

Did you have any particular dietary
desires when you were pregnant?

I gnawed my husband's leg
occasionally.

And that was unusual?

LAUGHTER

- Not as far as our marriage was
concerned. - That's what I mean.

So did you have any peculiar
appetites that were

specifically related to pregnancy?

- No, I was very boring, I didn't,
really. - No sort of coal?

They say that you only want to eat
coal if you're lacking vitamins,
don't they?

- Certainly, exactly. - So, no-one
eats coal any more.
- So you wereobviously not lacking anything.

- My mother smoked my father's pipe.
- Could she not get her own pipe(?)

LAUGHTER
Your poor father.

- It was her pregnancy
that made her want to do it?
- Yeah. She just loved pipe tobacco.

- God, that's extraordinary. - Yeah.

There's no more beautiful image
of motherhood than a pregnant woman
smoking a pipe(!)

Just the essentials of nature(!)

A woman going...

Then tapping it out on the table,
and then digging a little bit out.

I thought you were going to say,
"Tapping it out on her belly."

When I got pregnant,
my grandma said to me,

"Oh, eating for two, are we?"

And I went,
"Bog off, I'm not cutting down."

LAUGHTER

Anyway, moving on...

- What have they done to the javelin
to improve it? - ♪ Hit me! ♪

- John, you've got to stop
answering every question. - Sorry!

Let the others get in!

- I'm sorry to be a bore. - No,
you're not being a bore. It's fine.

I like enthusiasm.

It's just like a little puppy
shagging a sapling.

ALAN'S BUZZER
Thank you.

- Alan. - Didn't they
change the javelin because
they were throwing it too far?

- Yes! That's the point.
- Were they in danger of hitting

the long-distance runners
on the other side of the stadium?

You don't want them to be able
to throw it further than 100 metres

and what kept happening was
that they just got better and better

and there was a particular technique
called the Spanish technique

which involved
spinning your body round

like a discus thrower
or a hammer thrower

and Miguel de la Quadra Salcedo

threw a javelin 112 metres
using this system,

so it was outlawed by the IAAF.

If you spear one of the judges
and he staggers backwards...

LAUGHTER

..and is taken into an ambulance
and driven to hospital,

the record's going to be
about five miles!

I think you're right!

That was their problem.
Their problem was simply safety,

especially with
this Spanish style of spinning

because if it went out of control,

there was no net like with
the hammer, you could spear anybody,

so they banned the spinning
business, the turning round.

But then javelin makers used
special paint and dimples
to improve the aerodynamic nature,

- so again, they had to ban that.
- Like with a golf ball?

- I was actually a javelin champion
when I was at school. - Were you?

I was, but I slightly ruined
my career

because on the last sports day,

I was in the toilets having a fag

and I was using Swan Vestas

and I blew it out and put it back
in the box while it was still alight

- and it blew up in my hand. - Ouch.

And so I had to throw the javelin
with my left hand

and it went about three foot.

- Oh, dear! - They should make them
throw underarm. That would be good.

That would certainly make
a difference. At the moment...

At the moment,
all these things have been banned,

all these dimples,
all the special paint

but they'll have to make
the javelin worse again soon

because the world record now,
with the current javelin,

is 98.48 metres.
It's really close to the maximum.

Is there a standard javelin
they all use? It's not like
they arrive at the stadium...

They ought, presumably,
to allow people,

force people to take one at random.

Everyone puts a javelin in
and everyone takes a javelin out.

Like a billiard cue or something,

but I will give you points
if you can tell me,

as far as the javelin is concerned,

almost exactly a third of all
javelin medals awarded since 1908

have gone to competitors
from three countries.

- JOHN: Finland. - Keep going.

- Czechoslovakia. - Poland. - Bulgaria.
The United Kingdom.

No, it's weird. You should have
stayed where you were with Finland

- because the others, it was
Norway and Sweden. - Oh, really?

Scandiwegia, is the answer.

Just, for some reason, they seem to
be very good at throwing sticks.

There you are. Very good.

So, now,

which should you avoid
going to bed with,

a jactitator or a jactitator?

The second one.

LAUGHTER

Why?

Erm...because...

it means, um...

someone that wiggles about a lot.

- Yes! - Oh, does it?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The official name for it
is Willis-Ekbom disease,

also known as "restlessness",

or particularly,
"restless leg syndrome."

That's one meaning of "jactitation".

- The other... - Yes, the other is?

..is speaking unpleasantly
of somebody?

No, nice that you're trying
and don't be put off.

LAUGHTER

I still want to see that puppy
shagging that sapling,

but it's a very specific...

I won't say "crime", exactly.

it's a malfeasance, possibly,
it's a wrongdoing that people do.

- And that is to maintain
that you're married to someone
when you aren't. - That's right.

You are so angry, because...

Wow, you're angry.

If a man says, "Oh, yes,
she's my wife, we're married,"

she goes, "No, we're not,"
you can go to court

and your remedy is a suit
of jactitation of marriage,

in which you ask the court to
declare you are not married to the
person who is claiming that you are.

Is the "jactitation"
the denying of the marriage,

or is it the maintaining you're
still married when you're not?

A "jactitator" is one who claims to
be married to you when they aren't.

So "Ding-dong," "Darling I'm home!"
"You're not married to me."

LAUGHTER

- The bad guy is the "ding-dong,"
"Darling, I'm home!" in this
situation? - Exactly. - Stop doing this!

LAUGHTER

So I could take you to court,
because you never stop...

Saying that we are married.
But we're married in comedy, Alan.

- We're married in comedy.
- There you go again.

Comedy. Comedy and erotic love,
those two, surely...

- Do you... - Hello!

Do you know what the opposite is?
Cos my husband often says
he's NOT married to me.

LAUGHTER

- What's that called? - Shame.
- Embarrassment. - "Embarrassment"!

On the subject of twitchy legs,

why do we dance around

when we need a pee,
why do we do that?

LAUGHTER

To try and keep it moving
so it doesn't come out of the pipe?

No, the odd thing is,
it is the worst thing to do.

If you really want not to pee,
keep as still as possible.

Clench the end of your cock
incredibly hard?

LAUGHTER

I've tried that,
but it doesn't work.

I've found it best to get
someone else to do that.

A full bladder creates a...

"Tie a knot in it". "ANOTHER one?!"

A full bladder creates
a sense of urgency in the mind

and the conflict between
the desire to take action
and relieve the stress

and the fact that
circumstances don't permit it

is translated into various
rhythmic displacement behaviours.

Was it Enoch Powell who used to say,

"I always speak when I'm dying for
a piss, because I do much more..."

It lends urgency.

Yes, and David Cameron thought
he was going to have a crack at it,

- didn't he? - Oh, did he?

- Mm. - Oh, well, no wonder...

Wet himself.

- So, during Enoch Powell's famous
Rivers of Blood speech...
- "Rivers of piss" speech.

- Every time he said,
"Rivers of..." he'd go...
- HE GROANS

"Aah!"
LAUGHTER

That poor fellow.

I do think those urinals
should be done on an obvious demand,

because the guy at the end seems
very relaxed about it, but, man,

the guy number three, really...

- Whoa! He's desperate.
- ..needs to go very soon.

There's a perfectly
good tree, just there.

LAUGHTER

It's probably a pop festival,
so half of them

are actually wanting to go and
ingest drugs rather than urinate.

That's the thing.

"M'lud, they're probably
horsing the speed, m'lud."

LAUGHTER

"They're smacking
themselves with skank!"

"I know all the words, oh yes."
All right.

Who gets most use
from Jacobson's organ?

♪ Money! ♪

Mrs Jacobson gets most use...

KLAXON SOUNDS

APPLAUSE
♪ Hit me! ♪

All right. It's your turn now, John.

Jacobson's organ enables,
particularly lions and deer,

to chemically detect the pheromones
in creatures of the opposite sex.

- In lionesses, or... - Not just
creatures of the opposite sex,
but also prey and predators.

Prey and predators.

Yes. It's an organ.
You see it in snakes,

lions,
it's not just related to mammals,

but it's a patch of specialised skin
on the roof of the mouth.

Many vertebrates have it,
including humans. We have it.

Oh, yes, we do.

Unfortunately,
we seem to have lost the use of it.

But snakes and lizards can tell

when an ant has been present
a week earlier...

- just by using that.
- Well, how useful's that?!

Well, it can tell them
when it comes back again.

- "An ant was here a week ago"(!)
- It might be.

LAUGHTER
That's really improved my life(!)

And they think,
"Aw, I'd love an ant now!"

"No, it was last week."

But in the case of horses, giraffes,
camels, zebras, big animals...

when they do it, there's an
expression you've probably
seen them pull,

where they almost turn their face
inside out and stop breathing.

That's in order to get
the chemicals onto their Jacob...

"An ant! There's been an ant!

"There's been an ant in this stable,
last Tuesday!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

In their case,
it's less likely to be an ant

than there was female or a male

- or a predator or a prey.
- Makes them look gorgeous(!)

It's a funny old look, isn't it?

The one in the middle has had
its hair styled by someone
from Girls Aloud!

LAUGHTER
I think they're rather fun.

He's had the GHDs on that!

A rather fetching
Emma Bunton look, I thought.

Rather touching little bangs.
LAUGHTER

So, what could be as good
as spending eight hours

- sitting on the lavatory?
- Oh, very little.

What could be as good as sitting
for eight hours on the lavatory?

With the seat up or down?

Sitting with the seat down,
I think, probably.

In terms of evacuating yourself?

No, you're not actually pooing
for eight hours.

Sitting on the lavatory for eight
hours, you're expanding calories.

- Are you? - Just by sitting on the loo.

This is not recommended
in any of the books.

- With this, we are all losing weight
now. - We're burning calories.

Plus of course,
we're using our brains,

or some of us are using our brains.
LAUGHTER

Who did you mean by that?

The fact is, eight hours
of sitting on the lavatory

uses the same calories
as one hour of jogging.

- JOHN: Good God. - JO: No! - Yes!

Right, I'm off.

It doesn't have to be a lavatory.
Pretend you're on the lavatory,

unless you want to go for a jog.

Unless you really are pushing,
you're really heaving...

If you are, as they used to say,
straining at stool. Yes.

Now, that takes some clenching.

Unclench, clench, unclench.
That'll be good for you.

But eight hours, that's too much.

You'll have a sphincter
that could grab onto a pool cue

and I don't know what you could do
with a sphincter that could do that.

Don't go any further.
You've gone far enough.

- Can I go further? - Please do.

Well, a friend of mine used to work

as a nursing assistant
in a home for elderly people

and there was one very old guy,
I think he was about 95,

- and he was really constipated.
- Poor soul.

So they gave him
a massive dose of laxatives

and he was kind of left on the loo
to see what would happen,

and this friend of mine
swears this is true,

and he said that when he came back,

this bloke was lying on the floor

and the reason he'd fallen
off the toilet

was cos he had done such a big poo,
it had levered him off.

Oh, my God!

It's a charming story
and I love it, and...

You not getting any cardiovascular
work, are you, sitting on the loo?

- It's not aerobically efficient, no.
- Plenty more where that came from.

There was a man who had
a light bulb screwed up his arse

and this was mentioned
to Alan Bennett

and Alan Bennett said,
"What wattage?"

Where did modern jogging
as a mass movement begin?

Jim Fixx in the 1960s, was it?

No, you're right, he was the first
American to make it popular

but there was actually...
ALAN'S BUZZER

- Yes? - Forrest Gump. - No!

- That is Jim Fixx.
- (ALABAMA ACCENT) "Run, Forrest, run!"

That is Jim Fixx, who was the man
who popularised jogging in America

but who died of a heart attack
while jogging.

That fixed it for Jim!

It did. The man who actually
gets the credit for starting it

is a man called Arthur Lydiard,
a New Zealander in the early '60s.

The police would see people
running in tracksuits

and they would stop them

and it was just an odd sight.
It had never been seen before.

- Now we take it for granted.
- Suspicious activity.
Especially in New Zealand,

people jogging all over the place,
very outdoorsy place,

but then, yes,
they were constantly being arrested.

The father of utilitarianism -

who would you describe
as the father of utilitarianism?

- Jeremy Bentham? - Jeremy Bentham.

- He's stuffed. - He is. - London
University. - They've taken him out.
- The University College, yes.

- They removed him, didn't they?
- He's in a box.

Now you have to make
an appointment to see him.

- Yes, because people kept
stealing him. - They did!

I didn't know. I did a debate
as a student in London University

and I was walking
around the corridors,

trying to get the thing ready
in my head, and I just walked in...

I saw this box
in the middle of a corridor.

It's not like there's a big sign...

- No, and he's dressed. - ..going,
"Body in a box, body in a box!"

You just see this little cupboard

and you look in and there's, like...

a dead man looking at you.

One of the most brilliant men
of his age, of course.

Jeremy Bentham and James Mill
used their utilitarian hypotheses...

- On John Stuart Mill.
- ..on John Stuart.

- James Mill was
John Stuart Mill's father. - I see.

And he and Bentham sort of bombarded
poor John Stuart Mill as a child

with facts, so by the age of four,

he could speak Greek and Latin

and in his teens,
he had an appalling breakdown

as a result of this forced
knowledge feeding,

and the only thing
that brought him back to sanity

was reading the poetry of Wordsworth
and Coleridge, apparently.

- That's so like my own life. - Yes!
LAUGHTER

I thought it was only me.

I just have to do a story
that's worse than the poo story.

- Go on, then. - Well, it's to do with
pranks at medical school.

- Oh, lovely. - My flatmate,

they had a girl in their group at
medical school who was very annoying

so they decided to play
a trick on her, so basically,

they got a hand from the lab

- and put it on her pillow...
- Oh, God.

..in their student digs, and
then they all hid in the kitchen

and she came in from a night out,
went into her room

and they expected that she'd open
the door and go, "Wah!" like that,

and then they would all
go in there and point and laugh

and she went in there

and for ages, there was just
complete silence

and they thought, "Oh, dear,
God, what's going on?"

Please, God, no,
not what I think it is.

LAUGHTER

I hope you're not thinking
what I'm thinking, Alan.

Please, let's not...

- Anyway... - Did she ball it
into a fist? - No, no! Don't!

And then couldn't get it out!

We're all thinking...
It must be the wrong thing.

No, so they went into the room
and she was sitting on the bed
eating it.

- Eating it?! - No!

Oh, that's even worse!

- I know. - Oh!

I'm sorry to have to tell you,
but that's absolutely true.

Why was she eating it?

- She was hungry! - Because...yeah.

Why? What? "She was hungry?"

That's like, I'm hungry right now.

I'm not eating your hand!

Oh, Lord. Well, yeah.
OK, how did we get there? Oh, yes.

We were talking
about jogging, weren't we?

Then we were talking about
the stuffing of Jeremy Bentham.

Anyway, he invented
a kind of trotting jog

that he called
ante-prandial circumgyration...

- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- ..which was his way...

How annoying of him to be
intelligent.

- Yes, very annoying. - If only
everybody were really stupid.

It's not annoying of him
to be intelligent.

- It's quite annoying of us to be
a bit thick. - Ah, now,

don't be. Celebrate the glory
of Jeremy Bentham.
He was one of our greatest men.

However, jogging is apparently very
good for the memory. It does seem

that a few days of running
can lead to the growth

of hundreds of thousands
of new brain cells

in the memory-forming
part of the brain.

I'm getting off the toilet
and going back to jogging.

Yes, but you can also reproduce that
by lying on a mechanised table

that shakes the body
several times a second

- and that will also increase
your memory. - What are those things?

Those things you stand on
that vibrate really quickly.

- Oh, those plates. - Yes, those
are fun. - Little plates. - Th-th-th-th.

I think you sounded
like B-Bruce Forsyth, then.

LAUGHTER

Yes, it's a Forsythificator.

- Well, let's face it...
- Very nice to see you!

An evening here without
Bruce Forsyth or Ken Dodd...

- Oh, you've got a good Ken Dodd
story, haven't you? - Oh, gosh.

Tell me your Ken Dodd story.

Um, a broadcaster
of some description

went to interview a politician,
British politician,

and he saw this wonderful picture,
as he perceived, of Ken Dodd

on the wall,
and the politician came in,

and the guy said,
"Oh, that's wonderful, Ken Dodd,

"I mean, he's just one of
the greatest, greatest comedians

"this country has ever produced,"

and the man said, "Do you mind?
That's my wife."

LAUGHTER

- I want to know who the politician
is! - I want to know, too.

Whose wife looks like Ken Dodd!

It's true.

"My wife, or Doddy, as I call her."

"What a fine day, what a fine day
to marry a politician!"

Then in came the children.
♪ "We are the Diddymen..." ♪

The little Diddymen!

Oh, my God.

Anyway, eight hours on the loo

burns as many calories
as an hour's jogging.

So, what does a cockroach
find absolutely disgusting?

Jeremy Kyle.
LAUGHTER

- Yes! - Yes? - Is the right answer!

Because Jeremy Kyle -
almost, but he does count -
is a human being, right?

We don't like cockroaches
and cockroaches don't like us.

If they see us, they not only
run away, as soon as possible,

they wash themselves
after they've been touched by us.

They find us revolting.

I used to live in a flat
when I was a student nurse

and it was absolutely inundated
with cockroaches.

And one night, I came home from
the pub and I'd left the telly on,

and there were two cockroaches
sitting on the settee,
watching telly.

Wow.

They were looking at the telly
kind of going, "Werr..."

Was it a documentary about insects?

It was Jeremy Kyle.

LAUGHTER

- So they like Jeremy Kyle?
- No, there were people

- in whatever they were watching.
- They really don't like people.

But also, as well,
I was once painting the ceiling

in the flat and a cockroach
actually fell in my mouth.

ALL: Oh!

Cockroaches are everywhere,
aren't they?

In hospitals, particularly,
anywhere where there's sort of...

I mean, it's a huge...

I once went into a hospital kitchen
at night

and turned the light on
and for a split second,

the entire floor was brown.
And then it was white.

It's just astonishing.
And then they disappear.

And they don't do that much damage,
and yet they do repulse us.

And the point is, we repulse them,
hence they disappeared so quickly.

But there is something
that they must hate even more,

and this is a real test
for anybody who's sung,

"All things bright and beautiful,
the good Lord made them all,"

because He also made some things
not very bright and beautiful,

and one of the least bright
and beautiful things imaginable,

which is a parasitic wasp that has
the most extraordinary life cycle.

They're called jewel wasps,

because they're faintly
jewel-coloured.

They go up to the cockroach.

They then impart
a sting into its brain

which turns it
into a sort of zombie.

It doesn't kill it.

But it kind of makes it... "Errh."

And they then saw off
one of its antennae,

and uses the other one as a lead...
literally, and pulls it to its nest.

There it's leading it,
it's now pulling it.

- As you see, it's much smaller
than the cockroach. - Good God!

This poor cockroach, I'm afraid,
will have a pretty miserable time.

He then gets packed into the nest...

and then he lays eggs inside.

And the baby wasp is born in,

and eats the cockroach alive

from the inside, in a very special
order, to keep the cockroach alive.

Because cockroach meat goes off
very quickly and it's very warm.

And that is the life cycle
of the jewel wasp.

Now, if you ask me that
if there's a benign, divine God

who looks down on creation
and loves it all, you just ask him

how the hell he came up
with something so cruel,

so unpleasant, so vile.

Only evolution could cause
that kind of horrible life cycle

for the cockroach.

I mean, it's a pretty grim business.
So, there you go.

I thought I'd leave you
with that charming thought(!)

- If only you could do that
with Piers Morgan. - Yes, oh!

APPLAUSE

STEPHEN LAUGHS

- A very pleasing thought. - Very good.

Here's a simple question.
Why are we all such arseholes?

LAUGHTER

Well, I'm contractually obliged.
LAUGHTER

Well, let me say that there are
two types of living creature.

There are protostomes
and deuterostomes.

"Stoma" is the Greek for "mouth".

If you're a protostome, when
you are just developing as an egg,

and dividing and turning into what
will become a lovely little person,

protostomes start at the mouth
and then grow outwards.

But humans...
we start as an arsehole.

We are deuterostomes,
because we're "second mouths".

We start as a bottom
and then work outwards.

So we begin as arseholes.
We all begin as little botties.

It's a rather nice thing to know,
it puts us all on an equal footing.

Next time you look at George Osborne

saying something grand
about the economy,

say, "You started life,
and continued life, as an arsehole."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, there you are.

Now, this is very exciting,

because we have
a very special finale tonight.

Tonight, entirely alone,
without the aid of a safety net,

I am going to do something that has
never been done by any human being

since the beginning of time.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

- Yes! - Rash claim.

And all I need is...this.

"A simple pack o' cards!" No.

All I need is, indeed,

a simple pack of cards.

What I'm going to do is shuffle
them. I'll shuffle this pack.

There are different ways
of shuffling, as you know,

there's the overhand shuffle...

- Shut up! - ..like that.

There is your standard riffle,

which just...riffle

and push the cards together.
ALAN APPLAUDS

Everyone can do that... Wait, wait!
I haven't come to it yet.

And then there's the weave,
which is rather more pleasing.

Some people can do a weave
that's so accurate,

they actually go
A-B-B, A-B, A-B, A-B, like that.

And there, that gives you
a nice little fan, like so.

It's a beautiful thing.

And now I have produced
a pack of cards...

and that pack of cards, ladies
and gentlemen, believe it or not,

has never before, in the history
of our planet, been in that order.

It's never been
in that order before.

How can you possibly know that?

How can we know that?
It's a simple mathematical fact.

The order of cards
is a gigantic number.

It's a number which is known
by mathematicians as "shriek".

You write it as "52!"
You'll know this.

52 factorial.

It's 52 factorial, which is 52 times
51, times 50, times 49, times 48...

These are all the possibilities
in which a pack of cards can be.

Just 52 of them. And that number
is big. It's this big.

Look how big this number is.

That number is so big
that, were you to imagine

that if every star in our galaxy
had a trillion planets,

each with a trillion people
living on them,

and each of these people
had a trillion pack of cards,

and somehow they managed to shuffle
them all 1,000 times a second,

and they'd been doing that
since The Big Bang,

they would only just now
be starting to repeat shuffles.

So, I can say,

with all the mathematical certainty
that is possible,

that this pack of cards
has never been in this order before.

It's an absolute world first!

Wow, very good.

APPLAUSE

I know that seems amazing,

but that number tells it all.
It is astonishing.

And I have done something, as I say,

that has never been done
by any human being before.

I've produced this pack of cards
in this order.

And for that I'm going to award
myself some points, so there.

Anyway, that comes
to the scores, I think.

We'll go in reverse order from...

Well, from last to first.

It's actually marvellous.
We don't have a single minus number.

We don't even have a zero.

Everybody's on a plus!

We have, equal,

Dara, Jo and Alan with one point.

APPLAUSE

In a clear second place,
with 16, is John Sessions!

APPLAUSE

But the clear winner,
with 52 shriek,

52 times 51,
that number you saw, is me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's all
from John, Dara, Jo, Alan and me.

Thank you, be utterly lovely
unto each other, and goodnight.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd