QI (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Antidotes - full transcript
(applause)
Well, hello and welcome to QI,
the quiz in which nobody dies
and nothing is proved,
save that the universe
is full of quite interesting things.
Albert Einstein once memorably said:
"Only two things are infinite -
the universe and human stupidity."
"And I'm not sure about the universe."
I have the same sinking feeling about
tonight's panel, but let's meet them anyway.
- Alan Davies.
- (applause)
Danny Baker.
- Howard Goodall and Jo Brand.
- (applause continues)
Ladies and gentlemen,
in this world there are celebrities, B-lebrities,
but we've got A-lebrities.
- Each one has a buzzer. Howard goes...
- (buzzer)
- Danny goes...
- (klaxon)
- Jo goes...
- (bell rings)
- Alan goes...
- (cow moos)
- And I go wee, wee, wee, all the way home.
- (laughter)
The rules are simple. I ask the questions,
all of which are impossibly unfair,
and give points for interesting answers,
regardless of whether they're right or not.
In a cruel twist of fate, I also take away
points for answers which are not only wrong,
but pathetically obvious.
The first round tonight is called Answers.
Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, the Victorian
actor manager, once hailed a taxi and got in.
When the cab driver asked,
"Where to, guv?"
Sir Herbert looked up from his work
and answered:
"Do you really think
I would give my address to the likes of you?"
In this round, I shall supply
the questions about the questions
and it's up to you
to answer with the answers.
So, what answer did the Nobel-prize-winning
Danish physicist Niels Bohr give
when asked,
"Why have you got a horseshoe on your wall?"
- Alan.
- Me?
He hung it on the wall
cos he didn't want to lose it.
No. It's good...
The ground was quite damp.
He thought it might get rusty.
- I like both of those.
- It looked nice.
Your previous answer reminded me of a story
which I might as well come out with
about the great Edith Evans
who bought... in the 1930s,
bought a Renoir painting,
which, even in the 1930s,
was a reasonably expensive thing to do.
A friend was having tea with her
and said, "Edith, have they..."
"Have Sotheby's or Christie's delivered
the Renoir yet?" She said, "Yes, it's here."
She said, "Well, can I see it?"
And she said, "It's over there."
And very low down on the wall
was this Renoir.
The person - her friend -
had to lift a curtain to get a proper look at it.
She said, "Well, it's lovely, Edith,
but why did you hang it there?"
She said, "There was a hook."
I think it typifies
the British attitude towards art.
I wonder if it was a horseshoe,
because in Denmark they found in a bog
the world's oldest brass instrument,
which is shaped like that and it's called
a Danish name like, "ooh", or "dooh".
- It's bronze age, and it sounds a bit like...
- (buzzer)
- (Stephen) It really does.
- So maybe that's...
Can I just ask something, Howard?
Bog as in mire or bog as in toilet?
- Bog...
- (laughter)
It's confusing that it would be a brass
instrument from the bronze age, wouldn't it?
- Yes.
- They'd really know what they were playing.
It's certainly worth five points as interesting
material. You definitely get your five points.
Was it anything to do with
Schrodinger's cat?
It wasn't, though he was intimately associated
with the physics behind Schrodinger's cat.
Schrodinger's cat.
It's a sort of quasi-philosophical problem.
- (Danny) Go on.
- (Jo sighs)
- Oh, bollocks.
- (Stephen) I think the idea is to leave...
The idea is that you put a cat
in a lead casket and close the lid
and you can't know for sure
once you've closed that lid
whether the cat is alive or dead.
So it's a sort of philosophical problem
about never being able to know.
Absolutely right. Niels Bohr,
of course, also said of quantum physics
that if you're not shocked by it
then you haven't understood it.
- Yeah. It's like this show, isn't it?
- (Stephen) Some bits. Thank you for that.
The answer, "Of course,"
he said, "I don't believe in it,
but I understand that it brings you luck
whether you believe in it or not."
Now, let's come to a second question.
What did romantic novelist Barbara Cartland
answer when asked in a radio interview:
"Would you say that the barriers of
the British class system have broken down"?
- Who would like to answer that?
- I don't know about the sound barriers,
but I do know that Barbara Cartland
invented the aeroplane-towed glider.
- Did you know that?
- No!
- (Danny) Barbara Cartland did?
- Yes, she was a keen airswoman.
And she invented
pulling gliders by aeroplane.
- This is marvellous. Five points.
- I know one other thing about her,
which is that when she was young,
she moved into this house
and she kept hearing this ghost
of a young woman calling to her.
Everybody said, "Mad novelist",
and all that kind of thing.
And later it was discovered
that a young woman with fair hair
had been bricked into the wall of her house.
Workmen uncovered this skeleton
behind the hearth,
so from that moment on
she believed that she really had heard a ghost
and there really had been a ghost
and that was who was calling out to her.
Yes. That's not worth five points
because almost every old woman
I've ever met has a story like that,
but we'll certainly give you five
for the aeroplane glider.
When you said aeroplane-towed,
I thought you meant a toad.
- Me too.
- I thought she had forced wings on a toad
and was chucking it across Berkshire,
going, "I invented that."
She was asked whether or not she thought
British class barriers had been broken down.
Do you know what her answer was?
I'll tell you.
She said, "Of course they have, or I wouldn't
be sitting here talking to someone like you."
- Quite right too.
- Style.
May not have been one of her properties,
but nonetheless...
She's got a very classy pair of handcuffs on
though, hasn't she? Look at her.
She's been arrested
by someone very posh indeed.
But you've got to say she's made
the best of herself, haven't you, really?
You're not actually seeing her there,
you know. It's like the sun.
You actually see the sun eight minutes ago
cos the light takes eight minutes to get here.
With her, what you're seeing,
cos there's so much makeup,
you're seeing her about 18 years ago.
If you peeled away long enough...
- So she was...
- Like Lionel Richie.
- (Danny) Lionel Richie?
- "Hello?"
Explain Lionel Richie's connection.
Is he very wrinkled?
Because of the clay head.
- The clay head! Of course, the clay head.
- The clay head. "Hello?" "Hello?"
"Is it me you're looking for?"
Mick Jagger's got a great big head
on a little body, if you ever meet him.
He looks like one of those New Orleans
carnival heads when he comes towards you.
I feel we've got an insight into what life
would be like in an old-people's home.
You know what?
I can't wait to be in an old-people's home.
Good. Now...
Howard, what answer
did the Spanish general and political leader
Ramon Blanco y Erenas
give on his deathbed to the priest
when asked,
"Do you forgive your enemies?"
- I'm sure it was in Spanish.
- (Stephen) Yes, it will have been.
- Was it, "I don't speak English"?
- No.
Last words, of course, Hancock: "Too many
things have gone wrong too many times."
What? Nick Hancock's killed himself?
(Stephen) Please.
I was in a room
with Paul Merton and Nicholas Parsons,
just to show off for a moment
my show biz credentials.
I'm gonna change that
and I'm gonna suggest it was a sauna.
Well...
Start again.
"I was in a sauna..."
With a leakproof pen, obviously, because Paul
Merton was writing on this piece of paper
for quite a long time.
And Nicholas Parsons said to him,
"Paul, what are you writing?"
And Paul said, "It's a suicide note."
And Nicholas said, "Oh."
And then Paul said, "Sign here, Nicholas."
Which I thought was rather good.
It's a rather good joke. There we are.
- Now...
- Who's this Spanish fella?
Spanish fellow.
Ramon. Yeah.
He was asked whether he forgave
his enemies. He was asked on his deathbed.
What he actually said was,
"No, I don't have any enemies."
"I've had them all shot."
(laughter and applause)
Well, the patron saint of QI
is the ancient Roman Gaius Plinius Secundus,
better known as Pliny the Elder.
His Natural History is the great encyclopedia
covering all human knowledge at the time.
"Life", he said, "is my subject."
And he estimated that the 37 volumes that
he wrote contained 20,000 important facts
derived from 2,000 books.
The 28th book of his magnum opus
is what concerns us now,
packed, as it is, with antidotes.
State-of-the-art remedies culled from
the great medical minds of the ancient world.
So, Danny,
what does Pliny confidently expect to cure
by recommending that the patient
eats the heart of a black jackass outside -
out-of-doors, that is -
on the second day of the moon.
Mumps.
I have no idea.
So, there was a suggestion once
that the key to eternal life
lies in the elbow,
and if it can be consumed
then you would live forever.
Which is why nobody, no matter how hard
you try, can actually lick their own elbows.
- Even though...
- (Alan) We must all try.
I know the audience
are now desperate to have a go.
It looks so attainable
until you come to here,
and whether the theory came first
or the curse came second -
the idea that you cannot lick your elbow -
but they say if you can, you will live forever.
Is that how socialism was invented? Someone
said, "Come, let us lick each other's elbows".
- It doesn't work.
- (laughter and applause)
See, the thing is
that no young man of licking age
spent any time at all
trying to lick his elbow, did he?
The question was why would you eat the heart
of a black jackass by the light of the moon.
It must be something awfully serious
you'd have wrong with you,
cos the heart of a...
Where do you get a black jackass anyway?
- (Stephen) These days?
- These days.
- Kentucky Fried Jackass.
- (laughter)
- I'll tell you.
- (Howard) Is it gout?
It's not gout. It's not gout.
It's actually epilepsy.
Although he also prescribes for epilepsy
the consumption of
lightly poached bear's testes,
a camel's brain,
dried and taken with honey,
or, in extremis,
a draught of fresh gladiator's blood is good.
He doesn't mention Tegretol then?
- (Stephen) Is that the specific you favour?
- Yes, it is. It's a specific drug for epilepsy.
- (Stephen) Do you have epilepsy yourself?
- No.
- (Stephen) No. You know those who do?
- (Alan) She knows loads about drugs.
- (Stephen) Does she?
- Yes.
- Yeah. Cos she's a nurse.
- And a drug addict.
What would you think... Who shall we ask?
Jo, I think. You're the medical person here.
What would you think if I touched the tips
of your genitals with linen or papyrus?
(laughter)
To be honest, Stephen,
I'd be bloody impressed you found the tip.
(laughter and applause)
I'd say, "Stop trying to make the bed
while I'm still in it."
- I'd think it's something absorbent.
- (Stephen) Yes.
It would suggest to me there was something
coming out of the tip of Jo's genitals
that you were hoping to absorb.
(Stephen) And what affliction...
What affliction might that suggest?
- Stress incontinence.
- (Stephen) That's right. Incontinence.
Although, of course, you might opt,
instead of the linen or papyrus,
for the alternative cure for incontinence,
which is to knock back a glass of sweet wine
mixed liberally with ash of a burnt pig's penis,
then urinating in your,
or your neighbour's, dog's bed.
None of this is made up.
And I like... The pig would be there, going,
"I'm glad to see you're still pissing happily."
"Where's my penis?"
Now, Howard. Howard, Howard, Howard.
Howardy, howardy hustard.
After that, guessing the uses for a cream
made with pig's lard and the rust
from a chariot wheel should be easy for you.
- He liked his pigs, didn't he?
- (Stephen) He did.
Suntan oil.
Is it something to do with the gladiators?
Does it repel lions?
It's... I'll tell you what it is, actually,
because I'd no idea at all myself.
The actual answer is haemorrhoids.
I can tell you anything
you want to know about haemorrhoids.
- (Stephen) Can you really?
- Nothing on the market works.
You might be interested in this,
Alan, for haemorrhoids, is swan's fat.
And you might consider rubbing the afflicted
part with the urine of a she-goat.
You have to find a middle-aged one
that's got stress incontinence, then it's easy.
It's better than supporting
bloody immoral pharmaceutical companies
- that are destroying our globe, actually.
- (Alan) Yeah, they are, actually.
They bloody are.
They take hundreds of pounds off of me.
(Stephen) Do they? Yeah?
Well, there you are.
Now, you might pity the poor Roman with a
headache, for here, Pliny is quite unequivocal.
A fox's genitals tied to the forehead
is the surest route to relief for a headache.
It's all pretty obvious, really.
Where's the fox? Is the fox...
Are they attached to the fox?
I suspect they would be.
Was he ever held up and said, "Rubbish.
Take more water with it. None of this works"?
These days, of course, as we know,
a lot of antibiotics
are beginning to work less and less well,
and a great many people find themselves
with infections that will not clear up.
Two of the most popular cures for it
at the moment are maggots,
which are used in Western hospitals
on a routine basis to clean up wounds,
the other is New Zealand honey.
- (buzzer)
- (Stephen) Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa.
Bees. Did you know the British bee
died out in the First World War?
One of the little-known casualties of the First
World War was the... I only know this cos...
(Stephen) Was it
the Somerset Regiment of bees?
I've been to the cemetery. All those
little white crosses about this big on a...
What happened was all the bees in England
got a terrible cold during the First World War
and practically died out,
and they imported Mexican bees
and bees from all over everywhere else
to start bees again.
So all the bees
that you think are ethnic British bees...
- The British National Party, do they know?
- (Stephen) The Bee NP? Yes.
- The Bee NP.
- Yes. They've changed their name.
- One of my favourite jokes is about bees.
- Oh, here we go.
- It's not very long.
- (Stephen) Good.
Two beekeepers and one says, "How many
bees have you got?" He says, "10,000 bees."
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
He says, "I've got 20 hives."
"20 hives and 10,000 bees?" He says,
"Yeah. How many bees have you got?"
He says, "I've got a million bees."
"A million bees?"
He says, "Yeah." He says,
"How many hives have you got?" "One."
"A million bees, one hive?" He goes,
"Yeah, (beep) 'em. They're only bees."
(Stephen) Very nice.
Very nice.
A fellow goes into the cake shop, "I'd like to
buy a wasp." He says, "We don't sell wasps."
- He said, "There's one in your window."
- (Stephen) There's one in the window!
Alan. Take a question please.
What about a piece of simple first aid
in the home?
How would the great Pliny deal with
a lump of bread caught in the throat?
Lump of bread caught in the throat.
A common affliction.
A cow's testes,
fried lightly in goose fat
with a coulis of monkey brains.
- And then light, feathery, nettle meringue.
- (buzzer)
- Oh, hello.
- I'm the only one using mine.
- (bell rings)
- There you are.
- (Stephen) We're off.
- (Danny) All right, then.
- (klaxon)
- (sheep bleats)
- What was I saying? I'm totally distracted.
- (Alan) Pliny.
Do they send a pigeon in after the bread?
(Stephen) No. What they do is they place a
piece from the same loaf of bread in each ear.
- Brilliant.
- (Stephen) Isn't that good?
It's obvious...
when you think about it.
Sane, practical advice from one of
the great observers of the human family.
Indeed, so dedicated was Pliny
to close observation
that it was to be the death of him.
As Vesuvius erupted in AD 79 -
24 August AD 79, of course -
overcome with curiosity
and keen to save his friends,
he returned by boat
to the about-to-be-engulfed city of Pompeii,
protected by a pillow
tied to his head with a napkin
as an improvised
crash-helmet-cum-gas-mask combo.
He was suffocated by the fumes.
Thus fell the most curious Roman of them all.
Strange, isn't it, that we think of
the Romans as noble architects
and soldiers bestriding the arrow-straight
roads and the coliseums of their vast empire,
when clearly they were mostly at home
with the sniffles,
festooned with the dangly bits of wild animals
and sipping hot toddies made from their piss.
Now, continuing
our ancient Roman theme,
it's quite interesting
that ancient Britain was so unruly
that it was the only province
in the entire Roman Empire
that had a permanent garrison of troops. All
the others more or less governed themselves.
The average strength of the Roman army
was only 150,000 men,
plus about the same number of auxiliaries
recruited from vassal states.
More than a match
for the ancient Danish army,
which between 1104 and 1134
consisted of just seven men.
Here are some questions
about armies through the ages.
You'd think, wouldn't you, that all armies
are pretty much alike? But they're not.
So, Danny, your question.
What did 24 people last year...
What did they have to thank
the Swiss army for last year?
- They have a navy, of course, even though...
- The Swiss do have a navy.
But here's something. The fourth largest navy
in the world if one goes by boats alone -
- Disney.
- (Stephen) Get off.
Disney has the fourth largest flotilla -
navy - in the world.
Good God.
They'll be making films next.
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
I know something about Switzerland.
Switzerland has four official languages,
none of which are used on their stamps.
None of which is used on their stamps.
Is that correct?
- Well.
- (Danny) You've done it again.
- Again with the grammatical.
- Again, already, already.
- They use Latin on their stamps.
- Latin. Helvetica, don't they? Yes.
24 people a year are murdered
by members of the Swiss army.
Switzerland has only
a small standing army,
but the whole male population does
military service as part of the national militia.
Each man is issued with
a fully automatic military assault rifle
which he keeps locked up at home
with exactly 72 rounds of live ammunition.
Last year this resulted in 24 murders,
which, believe it or not,
is the third-highest rate of handgun murder
per head for any country in the world.
How did army medics in the Vietnam war
prevent wounded US soldiers
from swallowing their own tongues?
- Why would they swallow their own tongues?
- (Stephen) It's common when wounded.
- They cut the tongue out.
- No, they were sort of American about it.
- Gave them a hamburger.
- (laughter)
Swallow that instead.
No, they attached them
with safety pins to their cheeks.
- They pinned their tongues to their cheeks?
- They pinned their tongues to their cheeks.
Casualties, you know -
and this is quite interesting -
casualties in Vietnam were considerably
higher than Iraq, but it's extraordinary to note
that more American soldiers
committed suicide after serving in Vietnam
than were killed in combat.
Now, Jo, what's rather attractive
about the army of Costa Rica?
They've got a pulse?
Do they all look like Sir Bernard Ingham?
I can give you an answer on what's attractive
about the army of Costa Rica,
in as much as it's attractive to those of us
who are not that interested in war,
which is that it doesn't exist. The country is
so peaceful, the army was disbanded in 1949.
Costa Rica is the only country in the world
whose constitution forbids a national army.
Instead, they make do with
560 varieties of butterflies,
830 species of birds
and 1200 kinds of orchid. Isn't that
the kind of country you'd like to live in?
Why hasn't somebody invaded them
if they've got all that going on and no army?
- I'm no warmonger, but...
- I think you are. It's a beastly thing to say.
The French statesman Talleyrand,
1754 to 1838 or thereabouts,
once said, "I am more afraid
of an army of 100 sheep led by a lion
than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep."
- Make of that what you will, but...
- (Alan) He's an idiot.
- (Stephen) Yes, well, will we...
- I think he's talking metaphorically.
- (Stephen) Yeah.
- (sheep bleats)
Now, who shall I ask this one to?
Why are there no Alsatians
in this Spanish army? Howard.
I've no idea,
but is it one of these things
where the king made his dog or his donkey
the next heir? Is it something to do with that?
It's not actually. It's a rather bizarre reason.
I'll tell you because it is quite interesting.
The minimum IQ required
to be in the Spanish army is 70,
and Alsatians only have an IQ of 60.
- That's literally true. The Alsatian...
- An Alsatian has an IQ of 60?
If you said,
"If two trains set off from Plymouth,
one going at 30 miles an hour, one at 40
miles an hour, what time will they get there?
(barks)
- They've got dolphins in the American navy.
- Wasn't that funny in the war?
When they let the dolphins out to go
and hunt for mines and they buggered off.
You see, that does prove their intelligence,
doesn't it?
That's enough armies.
Let's move on.
(applause)
Now, it's to the traditional last round,
an assembly of astoundment
entitled General Ignorance.
Fingers on the buzzers, please,
for this intensely competitive finale.
What noise
does the largest frog in the world make?
- (sheep bleats)
- (laughter)
(Stephen) Very good. Very good. That's
your answer. Excellent. Any other thoughts?
- Ribbit. Really loud.
- (alarm bells)
Who said ribbit?
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Ribbit.
- How do you spell ribbit? Oh, like that.
- That's apparently how you spell it.
That's "rabbit" in New Zealand.
(New Zealand accent)
I've been out shooting ribbits.
- (Stephen) I will tell you the sound...
- (Alan) No, don't tell us. I want you to do it.
- I'll give you my party impression.
- Is it a metallic noise?
No, although there are frogs that do that.
No, I'll give you... This is it. It's...
(electronic croak)
No, it isn't that. It's not that at all.
No, that's the sound people being amusing,
because, in fact, the 3ft-long goliath frog
of Cameroon and Equatorial Guinea is mute.
Entirely mute. It makes no noise at all.
There are 4,360 known species of frog,
but only one of them,
in fact, Alan, goes ribbit.
Each species has its own unique call.
The reason that everyone thinks all frogs -
and this is true...
The reason that everyone thinks
all frogs go ribbit
is that ribbit is the distinctive call
of the Southern Pacific tree frog.
This is the frog that lives in Hollywood.
Recorded locally, it has been plastered
all over the movies for decades
to enhance the atmosphere of anywhere
from the Everglades to Vietnamese jungles.
Frogs actually make a huge variety of noises.
They croak, snore, grunt, trill,
cluck, chirp, ring,
whoop, whistle and growl.
They make noises like sheep...
They also say,
"It's not easy being green".
(Stephen) Bless.
Frogs make noises like sheep,
like cattle, like squirrels and crickets.
The barking tree frog yaps like a dog,
the carpenter frog sounds like
two carpenters hammering nails out of sync,
and Fowler's toad makes noises
like a band of Red Indians whooping.
Most female frogs,
like the goliath frog, make no noise at all.
- (bell rings)
- We can't get a bloody word in edgeways.
(laughter and applause)
Next question. Fingers on buzzers.
What is 40 poles long and four poles wide?
- Is it a regiment in the Polish army?
- (alarm bells)
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, dear.
It was considered obvious.
I don't know. That's cruel.
Oh, and all that hard work.
It's quite simple.
It's the acre.
The pole, otherwise known as a rod
or a perch, is five and a half yards.
An acre is 4,840 square yards,
or ten cricket pitches long by one wide.
It's also the same as 11.3 basketball courts
or 3.9 Olympic swimming pools.
As if you care.
Now, what was used to open
the Chicago World Fair in 1933?
- This is a goody.
- Yes.
- (mumbles) What was used to open... Oh...
- No one say anything.
(Stephen) Shall I put you out of your misery?
It's a very good one. If you know, you know.
- The answer is this.
- (Alan) Not booze?
Arcturus.
The brightest star in the northern hemisphere,
and the fourth brightest in the night sky.
The idea was that the 1933 fair
would be opened by light
which had set off from Arcturus in 1893,
the date of the previous Chicago fair,
40 years before,
Arcturus being
40 light years from Earth.
So one end of a telescope was pointed
at the star and the other end at a photocell.
When enough light
had collected in the photocell,
it tripped a switch and turned on
all the lights of the fair. Very cunning.
But not quite cunning enough
because scientists now know
that Arcturus is not
40 light years away from Earth, but 34.
Or 36.7, or 37, or, according to one
typically reliable internet source, 70.
So, it's time for the final scores.
Well, well, well. Alan, I'm afraid,
still in fourth place with eight points.
- Eight points!
- Jo, third with 13 points.
In second place
with 17 quite interesting points is Howard.
- It was the Polish army, wasn't it?
- (Stephen) It was, I'm afraid.
Otherwise you would've been
way out in front.
- However, our winner is Danny Baker.
- Thank you very much.
(applause)
Well, it only remains for me
to remind any young people watching
of the horrendous dangers
of playing truant from school
by pointing at Jo,
Alan, Howard and Danny,
and to say something
quite interesting to finish.
In keeping with tonight's theme
of antidotes and answers,
it's a report of a medical emergency almost
as ancient as Pliny, from the Daily Mirror.
Last Christmas,
shoppers in a local supermarket
were distressed
to see an old lady collapse.
They gathered round sympathetically
and a doctor who happened to be passing
correctly diagnosed her as suffering from
hypothermia. This was later confirmed,
but found to be aggravated by the stolen
frozen chicken hidden in her fur hat.
- Good night.
- (applause)
Well, hello and welcome to QI,
the quiz in which nobody dies
and nothing is proved,
save that the universe
is full of quite interesting things.
Albert Einstein once memorably said:
"Only two things are infinite -
the universe and human stupidity."
"And I'm not sure about the universe."
I have the same sinking feeling about
tonight's panel, but let's meet them anyway.
- Alan Davies.
- (applause)
Danny Baker.
- Howard Goodall and Jo Brand.
- (applause continues)
Ladies and gentlemen,
in this world there are celebrities, B-lebrities,
but we've got A-lebrities.
- Each one has a buzzer. Howard goes...
- (buzzer)
- Danny goes...
- (klaxon)
- Jo goes...
- (bell rings)
- Alan goes...
- (cow moos)
- And I go wee, wee, wee, all the way home.
- (laughter)
The rules are simple. I ask the questions,
all of which are impossibly unfair,
and give points for interesting answers,
regardless of whether they're right or not.
In a cruel twist of fate, I also take away
points for answers which are not only wrong,
but pathetically obvious.
The first round tonight is called Answers.
Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, the Victorian
actor manager, once hailed a taxi and got in.
When the cab driver asked,
"Where to, guv?"
Sir Herbert looked up from his work
and answered:
"Do you really think
I would give my address to the likes of you?"
In this round, I shall supply
the questions about the questions
and it's up to you
to answer with the answers.
So, what answer did the Nobel-prize-winning
Danish physicist Niels Bohr give
when asked,
"Why have you got a horseshoe on your wall?"
- Alan.
- Me?
He hung it on the wall
cos he didn't want to lose it.
No. It's good...
The ground was quite damp.
He thought it might get rusty.
- I like both of those.
- It looked nice.
Your previous answer reminded me of a story
which I might as well come out with
about the great Edith Evans
who bought... in the 1930s,
bought a Renoir painting,
which, even in the 1930s,
was a reasonably expensive thing to do.
A friend was having tea with her
and said, "Edith, have they..."
"Have Sotheby's or Christie's delivered
the Renoir yet?" She said, "Yes, it's here."
She said, "Well, can I see it?"
And she said, "It's over there."
And very low down on the wall
was this Renoir.
The person - her friend -
had to lift a curtain to get a proper look at it.
She said, "Well, it's lovely, Edith,
but why did you hang it there?"
She said, "There was a hook."
I think it typifies
the British attitude towards art.
I wonder if it was a horseshoe,
because in Denmark they found in a bog
the world's oldest brass instrument,
which is shaped like that and it's called
a Danish name like, "ooh", or "dooh".
- It's bronze age, and it sounds a bit like...
- (buzzer)
- (Stephen) It really does.
- So maybe that's...
Can I just ask something, Howard?
Bog as in mire or bog as in toilet?
- Bog...
- (laughter)
It's confusing that it would be a brass
instrument from the bronze age, wouldn't it?
- Yes.
- They'd really know what they were playing.
It's certainly worth five points as interesting
material. You definitely get your five points.
Was it anything to do with
Schrodinger's cat?
It wasn't, though he was intimately associated
with the physics behind Schrodinger's cat.
Schrodinger's cat.
It's a sort of quasi-philosophical problem.
- (Danny) Go on.
- (Jo sighs)
- Oh, bollocks.
- (Stephen) I think the idea is to leave...
The idea is that you put a cat
in a lead casket and close the lid
and you can't know for sure
once you've closed that lid
whether the cat is alive or dead.
So it's a sort of philosophical problem
about never being able to know.
Absolutely right. Niels Bohr,
of course, also said of quantum physics
that if you're not shocked by it
then you haven't understood it.
- Yeah. It's like this show, isn't it?
- (Stephen) Some bits. Thank you for that.
The answer, "Of course,"
he said, "I don't believe in it,
but I understand that it brings you luck
whether you believe in it or not."
Now, let's come to a second question.
What did romantic novelist Barbara Cartland
answer when asked in a radio interview:
"Would you say that the barriers of
the British class system have broken down"?
- Who would like to answer that?
- I don't know about the sound barriers,
but I do know that Barbara Cartland
invented the aeroplane-towed glider.
- Did you know that?
- No!
- (Danny) Barbara Cartland did?
- Yes, she was a keen airswoman.
And she invented
pulling gliders by aeroplane.
- This is marvellous. Five points.
- I know one other thing about her,
which is that when she was young,
she moved into this house
and she kept hearing this ghost
of a young woman calling to her.
Everybody said, "Mad novelist",
and all that kind of thing.
And later it was discovered
that a young woman with fair hair
had been bricked into the wall of her house.
Workmen uncovered this skeleton
behind the hearth,
so from that moment on
she believed that she really had heard a ghost
and there really had been a ghost
and that was who was calling out to her.
Yes. That's not worth five points
because almost every old woman
I've ever met has a story like that,
but we'll certainly give you five
for the aeroplane glider.
When you said aeroplane-towed,
I thought you meant a toad.
- Me too.
- I thought she had forced wings on a toad
and was chucking it across Berkshire,
going, "I invented that."
She was asked whether or not she thought
British class barriers had been broken down.
Do you know what her answer was?
I'll tell you.
She said, "Of course they have, or I wouldn't
be sitting here talking to someone like you."
- Quite right too.
- Style.
May not have been one of her properties,
but nonetheless...
She's got a very classy pair of handcuffs on
though, hasn't she? Look at her.
She's been arrested
by someone very posh indeed.
But you've got to say she's made
the best of herself, haven't you, really?
You're not actually seeing her there,
you know. It's like the sun.
You actually see the sun eight minutes ago
cos the light takes eight minutes to get here.
With her, what you're seeing,
cos there's so much makeup,
you're seeing her about 18 years ago.
If you peeled away long enough...
- So she was...
- Like Lionel Richie.
- (Danny) Lionel Richie?
- "Hello?"
Explain Lionel Richie's connection.
Is he very wrinkled?
Because of the clay head.
- The clay head! Of course, the clay head.
- The clay head. "Hello?" "Hello?"
"Is it me you're looking for?"
Mick Jagger's got a great big head
on a little body, if you ever meet him.
He looks like one of those New Orleans
carnival heads when he comes towards you.
I feel we've got an insight into what life
would be like in an old-people's home.
You know what?
I can't wait to be in an old-people's home.
Good. Now...
Howard, what answer
did the Spanish general and political leader
Ramon Blanco y Erenas
give on his deathbed to the priest
when asked,
"Do you forgive your enemies?"
- I'm sure it was in Spanish.
- (Stephen) Yes, it will have been.
- Was it, "I don't speak English"?
- No.
Last words, of course, Hancock: "Too many
things have gone wrong too many times."
What? Nick Hancock's killed himself?
(Stephen) Please.
I was in a room
with Paul Merton and Nicholas Parsons,
just to show off for a moment
my show biz credentials.
I'm gonna change that
and I'm gonna suggest it was a sauna.
Well...
Start again.
"I was in a sauna..."
With a leakproof pen, obviously, because Paul
Merton was writing on this piece of paper
for quite a long time.
And Nicholas Parsons said to him,
"Paul, what are you writing?"
And Paul said, "It's a suicide note."
And Nicholas said, "Oh."
And then Paul said, "Sign here, Nicholas."
Which I thought was rather good.
It's a rather good joke. There we are.
- Now...
- Who's this Spanish fella?
Spanish fellow.
Ramon. Yeah.
He was asked whether he forgave
his enemies. He was asked on his deathbed.
What he actually said was,
"No, I don't have any enemies."
"I've had them all shot."
(laughter and applause)
Well, the patron saint of QI
is the ancient Roman Gaius Plinius Secundus,
better known as Pliny the Elder.
His Natural History is the great encyclopedia
covering all human knowledge at the time.
"Life", he said, "is my subject."
And he estimated that the 37 volumes that
he wrote contained 20,000 important facts
derived from 2,000 books.
The 28th book of his magnum opus
is what concerns us now,
packed, as it is, with antidotes.
State-of-the-art remedies culled from
the great medical minds of the ancient world.
So, Danny,
what does Pliny confidently expect to cure
by recommending that the patient
eats the heart of a black jackass outside -
out-of-doors, that is -
on the second day of the moon.
Mumps.
I have no idea.
So, there was a suggestion once
that the key to eternal life
lies in the elbow,
and if it can be consumed
then you would live forever.
Which is why nobody, no matter how hard
you try, can actually lick their own elbows.
- Even though...
- (Alan) We must all try.
I know the audience
are now desperate to have a go.
It looks so attainable
until you come to here,
and whether the theory came first
or the curse came second -
the idea that you cannot lick your elbow -
but they say if you can, you will live forever.
Is that how socialism was invented? Someone
said, "Come, let us lick each other's elbows".
- It doesn't work.
- (laughter and applause)
See, the thing is
that no young man of licking age
spent any time at all
trying to lick his elbow, did he?
The question was why would you eat the heart
of a black jackass by the light of the moon.
It must be something awfully serious
you'd have wrong with you,
cos the heart of a...
Where do you get a black jackass anyway?
- (Stephen) These days?
- These days.
- Kentucky Fried Jackass.
- (laughter)
- I'll tell you.
- (Howard) Is it gout?
It's not gout. It's not gout.
It's actually epilepsy.
Although he also prescribes for epilepsy
the consumption of
lightly poached bear's testes,
a camel's brain,
dried and taken with honey,
or, in extremis,
a draught of fresh gladiator's blood is good.
He doesn't mention Tegretol then?
- (Stephen) Is that the specific you favour?
- Yes, it is. It's a specific drug for epilepsy.
- (Stephen) Do you have epilepsy yourself?
- No.
- (Stephen) No. You know those who do?
- (Alan) She knows loads about drugs.
- (Stephen) Does she?
- Yes.
- Yeah. Cos she's a nurse.
- And a drug addict.
What would you think... Who shall we ask?
Jo, I think. You're the medical person here.
What would you think if I touched the tips
of your genitals with linen or papyrus?
(laughter)
To be honest, Stephen,
I'd be bloody impressed you found the tip.
(laughter and applause)
I'd say, "Stop trying to make the bed
while I'm still in it."
- I'd think it's something absorbent.
- (Stephen) Yes.
It would suggest to me there was something
coming out of the tip of Jo's genitals
that you were hoping to absorb.
(Stephen) And what affliction...
What affliction might that suggest?
- Stress incontinence.
- (Stephen) That's right. Incontinence.
Although, of course, you might opt,
instead of the linen or papyrus,
for the alternative cure for incontinence,
which is to knock back a glass of sweet wine
mixed liberally with ash of a burnt pig's penis,
then urinating in your,
or your neighbour's, dog's bed.
None of this is made up.
And I like... The pig would be there, going,
"I'm glad to see you're still pissing happily."
"Where's my penis?"
Now, Howard. Howard, Howard, Howard.
Howardy, howardy hustard.
After that, guessing the uses for a cream
made with pig's lard and the rust
from a chariot wheel should be easy for you.
- He liked his pigs, didn't he?
- (Stephen) He did.
Suntan oil.
Is it something to do with the gladiators?
Does it repel lions?
It's... I'll tell you what it is, actually,
because I'd no idea at all myself.
The actual answer is haemorrhoids.
I can tell you anything
you want to know about haemorrhoids.
- (Stephen) Can you really?
- Nothing on the market works.
You might be interested in this,
Alan, for haemorrhoids, is swan's fat.
And you might consider rubbing the afflicted
part with the urine of a she-goat.
You have to find a middle-aged one
that's got stress incontinence, then it's easy.
It's better than supporting
bloody immoral pharmaceutical companies
- that are destroying our globe, actually.
- (Alan) Yeah, they are, actually.
They bloody are.
They take hundreds of pounds off of me.
(Stephen) Do they? Yeah?
Well, there you are.
Now, you might pity the poor Roman with a
headache, for here, Pliny is quite unequivocal.
A fox's genitals tied to the forehead
is the surest route to relief for a headache.
It's all pretty obvious, really.
Where's the fox? Is the fox...
Are they attached to the fox?
I suspect they would be.
Was he ever held up and said, "Rubbish.
Take more water with it. None of this works"?
These days, of course, as we know,
a lot of antibiotics
are beginning to work less and less well,
and a great many people find themselves
with infections that will not clear up.
Two of the most popular cures for it
at the moment are maggots,
which are used in Western hospitals
on a routine basis to clean up wounds,
the other is New Zealand honey.
- (buzzer)
- (Stephen) Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa.
Bees. Did you know the British bee
died out in the First World War?
One of the little-known casualties of the First
World War was the... I only know this cos...
(Stephen) Was it
the Somerset Regiment of bees?
I've been to the cemetery. All those
little white crosses about this big on a...
What happened was all the bees in England
got a terrible cold during the First World War
and practically died out,
and they imported Mexican bees
and bees from all over everywhere else
to start bees again.
So all the bees
that you think are ethnic British bees...
- The British National Party, do they know?
- (Stephen) The Bee NP? Yes.
- The Bee NP.
- Yes. They've changed their name.
- One of my favourite jokes is about bees.
- Oh, here we go.
- It's not very long.
- (Stephen) Good.
Two beekeepers and one says, "How many
bees have you got?" He says, "10,000 bees."
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
He says, "I've got 20 hives."
"20 hives and 10,000 bees?" He says,
"Yeah. How many bees have you got?"
He says, "I've got a million bees."
"A million bees?"
He says, "Yeah." He says,
"How many hives have you got?" "One."
"A million bees, one hive?" He goes,
"Yeah, (beep) 'em. They're only bees."
(Stephen) Very nice.
Very nice.
A fellow goes into the cake shop, "I'd like to
buy a wasp." He says, "We don't sell wasps."
- He said, "There's one in your window."
- (Stephen) There's one in the window!
Alan. Take a question please.
What about a piece of simple first aid
in the home?
How would the great Pliny deal with
a lump of bread caught in the throat?
Lump of bread caught in the throat.
A common affliction.
A cow's testes,
fried lightly in goose fat
with a coulis of monkey brains.
- And then light, feathery, nettle meringue.
- (buzzer)
- Oh, hello.
- I'm the only one using mine.
- (bell rings)
- There you are.
- (Stephen) We're off.
- (Danny) All right, then.
- (klaxon)
- (sheep bleats)
- What was I saying? I'm totally distracted.
- (Alan) Pliny.
Do they send a pigeon in after the bread?
(Stephen) No. What they do is they place a
piece from the same loaf of bread in each ear.
- Brilliant.
- (Stephen) Isn't that good?
It's obvious...
when you think about it.
Sane, practical advice from one of
the great observers of the human family.
Indeed, so dedicated was Pliny
to close observation
that it was to be the death of him.
As Vesuvius erupted in AD 79 -
24 August AD 79, of course -
overcome with curiosity
and keen to save his friends,
he returned by boat
to the about-to-be-engulfed city of Pompeii,
protected by a pillow
tied to his head with a napkin
as an improvised
crash-helmet-cum-gas-mask combo.
He was suffocated by the fumes.
Thus fell the most curious Roman of them all.
Strange, isn't it, that we think of
the Romans as noble architects
and soldiers bestriding the arrow-straight
roads and the coliseums of their vast empire,
when clearly they were mostly at home
with the sniffles,
festooned with the dangly bits of wild animals
and sipping hot toddies made from their piss.
Now, continuing
our ancient Roman theme,
it's quite interesting
that ancient Britain was so unruly
that it was the only province
in the entire Roman Empire
that had a permanent garrison of troops. All
the others more or less governed themselves.
The average strength of the Roman army
was only 150,000 men,
plus about the same number of auxiliaries
recruited from vassal states.
More than a match
for the ancient Danish army,
which between 1104 and 1134
consisted of just seven men.
Here are some questions
about armies through the ages.
You'd think, wouldn't you, that all armies
are pretty much alike? But they're not.
So, Danny, your question.
What did 24 people last year...
What did they have to thank
the Swiss army for last year?
- They have a navy, of course, even though...
- The Swiss do have a navy.
But here's something. The fourth largest navy
in the world if one goes by boats alone -
- Disney.
- (Stephen) Get off.
Disney has the fourth largest flotilla -
navy - in the world.
Good God.
They'll be making films next.
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
I know something about Switzerland.
Switzerland has four official languages,
none of which are used on their stamps.
None of which is used on their stamps.
Is that correct?
- Well.
- (Danny) You've done it again.
- Again with the grammatical.
- Again, already, already.
- They use Latin on their stamps.
- Latin. Helvetica, don't they? Yes.
24 people a year are murdered
by members of the Swiss army.
Switzerland has only
a small standing army,
but the whole male population does
military service as part of the national militia.
Each man is issued with
a fully automatic military assault rifle
which he keeps locked up at home
with exactly 72 rounds of live ammunition.
Last year this resulted in 24 murders,
which, believe it or not,
is the third-highest rate of handgun murder
per head for any country in the world.
How did army medics in the Vietnam war
prevent wounded US soldiers
from swallowing their own tongues?
- Why would they swallow their own tongues?
- (Stephen) It's common when wounded.
- They cut the tongue out.
- No, they were sort of American about it.
- Gave them a hamburger.
- (laughter)
Swallow that instead.
No, they attached them
with safety pins to their cheeks.
- They pinned their tongues to their cheeks?
- They pinned their tongues to their cheeks.
Casualties, you know -
and this is quite interesting -
casualties in Vietnam were considerably
higher than Iraq, but it's extraordinary to note
that more American soldiers
committed suicide after serving in Vietnam
than were killed in combat.
Now, Jo, what's rather attractive
about the army of Costa Rica?
They've got a pulse?
Do they all look like Sir Bernard Ingham?
I can give you an answer on what's attractive
about the army of Costa Rica,
in as much as it's attractive to those of us
who are not that interested in war,
which is that it doesn't exist. The country is
so peaceful, the army was disbanded in 1949.
Costa Rica is the only country in the world
whose constitution forbids a national army.
Instead, they make do with
560 varieties of butterflies,
830 species of birds
and 1200 kinds of orchid. Isn't that
the kind of country you'd like to live in?
Why hasn't somebody invaded them
if they've got all that going on and no army?
- I'm no warmonger, but...
- I think you are. It's a beastly thing to say.
The French statesman Talleyrand,
1754 to 1838 or thereabouts,
once said, "I am more afraid
of an army of 100 sheep led by a lion
than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep."
- Make of that what you will, but...
- (Alan) He's an idiot.
- (Stephen) Yes, well, will we...
- I think he's talking metaphorically.
- (Stephen) Yeah.
- (sheep bleats)
Now, who shall I ask this one to?
Why are there no Alsatians
in this Spanish army? Howard.
I've no idea,
but is it one of these things
where the king made his dog or his donkey
the next heir? Is it something to do with that?
It's not actually. It's a rather bizarre reason.
I'll tell you because it is quite interesting.
The minimum IQ required
to be in the Spanish army is 70,
and Alsatians only have an IQ of 60.
- That's literally true. The Alsatian...
- An Alsatian has an IQ of 60?
If you said,
"If two trains set off from Plymouth,
one going at 30 miles an hour, one at 40
miles an hour, what time will they get there?
(barks)
- They've got dolphins in the American navy.
- Wasn't that funny in the war?
When they let the dolphins out to go
and hunt for mines and they buggered off.
You see, that does prove their intelligence,
doesn't it?
That's enough armies.
Let's move on.
(applause)
Now, it's to the traditional last round,
an assembly of astoundment
entitled General Ignorance.
Fingers on the buzzers, please,
for this intensely competitive finale.
What noise
does the largest frog in the world make?
- (sheep bleats)
- (laughter)
(Stephen) Very good. Very good. That's
your answer. Excellent. Any other thoughts?
- Ribbit. Really loud.
- (alarm bells)
Who said ribbit?
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Ribbit.
- How do you spell ribbit? Oh, like that.
- That's apparently how you spell it.
That's "rabbit" in New Zealand.
(New Zealand accent)
I've been out shooting ribbits.
- (Stephen) I will tell you the sound...
- (Alan) No, don't tell us. I want you to do it.
- I'll give you my party impression.
- Is it a metallic noise?
No, although there are frogs that do that.
No, I'll give you... This is it. It's...
(electronic croak)
No, it isn't that. It's not that at all.
No, that's the sound people being amusing,
because, in fact, the 3ft-long goliath frog
of Cameroon and Equatorial Guinea is mute.
Entirely mute. It makes no noise at all.
There are 4,360 known species of frog,
but only one of them,
in fact, Alan, goes ribbit.
Each species has its own unique call.
The reason that everyone thinks all frogs -
and this is true...
The reason that everyone thinks
all frogs go ribbit
is that ribbit is the distinctive call
of the Southern Pacific tree frog.
This is the frog that lives in Hollywood.
Recorded locally, it has been plastered
all over the movies for decades
to enhance the atmosphere of anywhere
from the Everglades to Vietnamese jungles.
Frogs actually make a huge variety of noises.
They croak, snore, grunt, trill,
cluck, chirp, ring,
whoop, whistle and growl.
They make noises like sheep...
They also say,
"It's not easy being green".
(Stephen) Bless.
Frogs make noises like sheep,
like cattle, like squirrels and crickets.
The barking tree frog yaps like a dog,
the carpenter frog sounds like
two carpenters hammering nails out of sync,
and Fowler's toad makes noises
like a band of Red Indians whooping.
Most female frogs,
like the goliath frog, make no noise at all.
- (bell rings)
- We can't get a bloody word in edgeways.
(laughter and applause)
Next question. Fingers on buzzers.
What is 40 poles long and four poles wide?
- Is it a regiment in the Polish army?
- (alarm bells)
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, dear.
It was considered obvious.
I don't know. That's cruel.
Oh, and all that hard work.
It's quite simple.
It's the acre.
The pole, otherwise known as a rod
or a perch, is five and a half yards.
An acre is 4,840 square yards,
or ten cricket pitches long by one wide.
It's also the same as 11.3 basketball courts
or 3.9 Olympic swimming pools.
As if you care.
Now, what was used to open
the Chicago World Fair in 1933?
- This is a goody.
- Yes.
- (mumbles) What was used to open... Oh...
- No one say anything.
(Stephen) Shall I put you out of your misery?
It's a very good one. If you know, you know.
- The answer is this.
- (Alan) Not booze?
Arcturus.
The brightest star in the northern hemisphere,
and the fourth brightest in the night sky.
The idea was that the 1933 fair
would be opened by light
which had set off from Arcturus in 1893,
the date of the previous Chicago fair,
40 years before,
Arcturus being
40 light years from Earth.
So one end of a telescope was pointed
at the star and the other end at a photocell.
When enough light
had collected in the photocell,
it tripped a switch and turned on
all the lights of the fair. Very cunning.
But not quite cunning enough
because scientists now know
that Arcturus is not
40 light years away from Earth, but 34.
Or 36.7, or 37, or, according to one
typically reliable internet source, 70.
So, it's time for the final scores.
Well, well, well. Alan, I'm afraid,
still in fourth place with eight points.
- Eight points!
- Jo, third with 13 points.
In second place
with 17 quite interesting points is Howard.
- It was the Polish army, wasn't it?
- (Stephen) It was, I'm afraid.
Otherwise you would've been
way out in front.
- However, our winner is Danny Baker.
- Thank you very much.
(applause)
Well, it only remains for me
to remind any young people watching
of the horrendous dangers
of playing truant from school
by pointing at Jo,
Alan, Howard and Danny,
and to say something
quite interesting to finish.
In keeping with tonight's theme
of antidotes and answers,
it's a report of a medical emergency almost
as ancient as Pliny, from the Daily Mirror.
Last Christmas,
shoppers in a local supermarket
were distressed
to see an old lady collapse.
They gathered round sympathetically
and a doctor who happened to be passing
correctly diagnosed her as suffering from
hypothermia. This was later confirmed,
but found to be aggravated by the stolen
frozen chicken hidden in her fur hat.
- Good night.
- (applause)