Psych (2006–2014): Season 7, Episode 3 - Lassie Jerky - full transcript

Jeez, Chavo, you look
like a giant baby on film.

Make sure that
little red light's blinking.

Thank you for that
amazing advice.

Thank you for being
so sarcastic.

Take it easy.

Ready?

I am currently standing
less than 200 meters

from where Chavo here cowered
like a bitch in a bush,

but somehow managed
to get a picture

of this thing's right calf
and buttock

before it disappeared
into the bush.



And here's a fact:
If I go down,

you're like a dog
without a bone, chica.

Dude, I would pick up
that camera and forge ahead

like Denzel picked up the flag
in Glory.

There have been a spate
of recent sightings

of what has locally
gained traction

as a Bigfoot-type creature.
But wait, there's more.

Yeah, show them
the transmitter.

We have planted a number
of these motivational devices

in order to entice
our favorite squatch

into giving us a little encore.

Calm down, Chavo.

I know how much you love
dark meat and technology.

Careful, that's
a $200 tracking device in there.



What the hell is that?

Would you stop it?
That is a ridiculous sound.

Forget you, Shawn.

You know I'm allergic
to pine needles

and most types of dirt.
Plus, it's raining now.

If I don't start smelling
slow-roasting brisket

in the next two minutes,
we're turning around.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Shawn frigging Spencer?

You really came.
This is the boobs.

Uh, Kate, favor.

Wow, you look just like
your picture on the blog spot.

I thought it was a screen cap

of Angelina Jolie
in Original Sin.

Shawn, who are these people,
and why do they know your name?

We know your name too,
Pootie Tang.

Wa da ta.

Oh, Gus, we're just
joking with you

because you're sweet enough
to melt

and drizzle on two scoops
of me.

This is Chi-Chi--uh, Chavo.

He hid in a bush
when he heard you guys coming

because he thought
you guys were Bigfoot

and he forgot to take
his Midol this morning.

Okay, I was going
for a low, ominous angle,

- and also, I don't have ovaries.
- That's debatable.

- Uh, Bigfoot?
- Yeah, Bigfoot.

Uh, did Shawn not tell you
the deal, or--

What deal? We're on our way
to the Sassy Quatch.

It's a secret barbecue hut
built into the side of a cave

that almost nobody knows about.

It has the best tasting
corn pudding in all of--

Shawn, you son of a bitch.
Why do you have a camera?

Uh, well, buddy,
if I'd told you the truth,

you wouldn't have come.

Here's the thing.
I, uh--I stumbled

upon Kate and Chavo's blog
when I was messing around

on the Harry and
the Hendersons fan site.

- Turns out--
- Shawn...

John Lithgow
is never writing you back.

He's never even heard
of that site.

- Okay, that is your opinion.
- Look.

If Shawn can help us
find the beast

by using his gift, and we can
catch it all on camera,

we will win
the Student Academy Award.

Dude, the Student
Academy Award.

Oh, no.
No, no, no.

I will not get eaten by a bear

to prove that Bigfoot
does not exist. Nope.

No bears eating me.
Not today, not ever.

- Not even in your dreams.
- Okay.

- You just jinxed yourself.
- Suck it, Shawn.

At least stick around
and let us show you

the Bigfoot blind we built.
It's totally rad.

And we have a mondo stash
of beef jerky there.

- Dude, they have meat here.
- Lots of meat.

Fine. I will stay
only long enough

to refuel and put something
in my stomach.

I'm famished, and I'm starting

to see floating protozoa
and whatnot.

I know exactly
what you're talking about.

Okay, great.
Chi-Chi, why don't you, uh,

grab some wood for the fire and
I'll show the boys the blind.

Almost there, boys.

What do you think?

You think that's
her natural gait?

All right, look.

I'm sorry I lied, okay?
But let's be honest.

Shame on you for believing

there was a place
called the Sassy Quatch

built into the side of a cave
in the first place.

Man, you know all I heard

were the key words "dry rub"
and "pone."

What are we doing
out here, Shawn?

We're not gonna be able
to help these fools.

You can say that again.
Hold up.

We should both
be on camera for this.

It's important for story drive.

- What?
- Come on, dudes.

What is more interesting
than a documentary

about finding Bigfoot?

Anything but
Capturing the Friedmans.

A documentary
about a documentary

about finding Bigfoot
that fails.

I will slap you
in the teat, Shawn.

Oh, think about it, Gus.
They're making Don Quixote.

We're making Lost in la Mancha.

- Oh, my God.
- We have never won anything.

Especially you.

Now who do you think's
gonna win

that Student Academy Award now?

Here's a hint: us.

Now pull out your phone
and start shooting some b-roll.

Come on, guys, chop-chop.
Gus to the world.

Here's a news flash, Shawn:
We are not students.

Here's another one:
This is the worst idea

you've come up with
since Odwallapalooza.

Okay, first of all,
organic juices and weird elixirs

that are alive
are the future, Gus.

Just like milk was the future
back in the '50s.

And "B," yesterday,
I enrolled you

in something called
hermeneutics at UCSB.

I think it's the study
of the Munsters,

- so we should be fine.
- You did not.

I sure did.

Shawn, hermeneutics
is the study of theory.

- Well, that feels redundant.
- Oh, my gosh.

I could have an exam on Friday.
I need to find a syllabus.

Pretty dope little setup, huh?

Chavo did it in, like,
15 minutes.

You just helped yourself, huh?

So, Kate, what's the story
with you and Chavo?

It's just a
business relationship,

or are you guys
lovers in the nighttime?

Man, I think we should all
be lovers in the nighttime.

The human libido is way
too powerful to be governed

by a set of rudimentary laws
or a button fly.

Life's not The Notebook,
you know?

It's Wild Orchid.
It's Last Tango in Paris.

It's Jungle Fever.

Holy hell!

He's real.

Oh, my God,
are you seeing this?

Dude, dude, dude!

Shawn, if we get out of here
alive, I will kill you.

So what's my incentive to live?

♪ In between the lines
there's a lot of obscurity ♪

♪ I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity ♪

♪ if it's all right

♪ then you're all wrong

♪ but why bounce around
to the same damn song? ♪

♪ you'd rather run
when you can't crawl ♪

♪ I know you know
that I'm not telling the truth ♪

♪ I know you know
they just don't have any proof ♪

♪ embrace the deception

♪ learn how to bend

♪ your worst inhibitions

♪ tend to psych you out
in the end ♪

She's gonna get eaten, Shawn.

She's gonna get eaten
and then we're gonna get eaten.

Would you--where--
would you relax?

Breathe.

Think about what's happening.

Where's Chavo?

- He's gathering timber.
- Wrong.

He just changed
into a giant dog suit

and came around that corner

with a big fake emu
over his shoulder.

- It wasn't an emu.
- This is brilliant, Gus.

We're no longer making
a documentary about a failure.

We're making a documentary
about a hoax.

They're circulating
the rumors on their blog,

doctoring that photo,

and spreading it
all over the Internet.

Okay, fine, fine.

You're probably right.

But there are still bears
out here, Shawn.

Black bears that feel no kinship
to black men.

- Hey.
- Aah!

Sorry, uh, I don't have
a long enough lens.

Plus, Bigfoot won't come out
of the cave.

I-I think we need
to get closer.

Actually, Kate, I am--
I am sensing

that our best bet
is to head back to the camp,

get some more supplies,

and come back with Chavo.

- Power in numbers.
- All right.

Yeah, it's hard not to get
a little excited

about all this.

We understand.
But let's be smart.

Plus, Chavo will be able to
speak the creature's language.

How do you know
Squatch is Latino?

How do you know he isn't?

Well, gee, I wonder
where Chavo could be.

I'm here, I'm here.

Where's the firewood, Chavo?

Mira, I heard something,
like a muffled scream

coming from
the other direction.

Yeah?

Well, guess what
we motherfrigging saw. It!

Dude, it trudged
towards that cave,

and you can totally see it
from the blind.

But we didn't want you
to miss anything, Chavo,

so we figured we'd all
go back together

as a group
so we can see each other.

Oh, I got it.
And thank you.

Oh, wait till you see it,
baby, oh, my God.

I am so turned on right now.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, we'll be right back.

- We will?
- Yes.

Are they going off to do
what I think they're gonna do?

Make a new plan
because we're on to them?

They better.

I don't think that's
what they--oh, my gosh.

Shawn, I think she's going to--
she is.

Gus, I need to snoop
around this tent, okay?

- Be my lookout.
- Okay.

Viva Mexico, Chavo.

What do we got here?

Huh, that's clever.

What the--

This girl is not
messing around.

What is--

Wait a minute,
who's the big dot?

I'm the big dot?
Then what the hell is that?

Whoa, whoa!

Um, Gus, what's
going on out there, man?

Talk to me, Gus.
Gus?

Dude, what the heck?

In a tree.
Crazy, right?

It's still warm.

I think that turkey leg
was meant for Bigfoot, Gus.

So they went to the trouble
of setting food traps

with tracking devices.

Man, they're really
committing to this hoax.

Wait, I swallowed
a transmitter, Shawn.

What if my body rejects
the alloys in the composite?

- You'll poop it out, it's fine.
- What?

All right, you guys ready
to make some cinematic history?

Get rid of that thing!

I rarely order flan.

If it's there for the table,
sure, I'll partake,

but chances are, something else
on the menu's gonna grab me.

Well, then you just
haven't had good flan.

Uh, good flan, bad flan.

Bottom line:
It's eggy. Period.

- Ugh.
- It can be eggy.

Oh, man, I should've peed
back at camp.

My molars are floating.

All right, well,
just make it quick.

Give me the camera.

You know, he's got the bladder
of a six-year-old girl,

but he can hold most
of the tantric positions

for, like, 45 frigging minutes.

- Wow, that's something.
- Yes.

- We have to go too.
- Yeah, we got to pee.

We are gonna catch him
putting on the costume, Gus.

We're gonna hide, we're gonna
get the whole thing on camera,

and then we're gonna
keep playing along.

Now pull out your phone
and start shooting.

We want as many choices
as possible in the editing room.

You bet.
This is actually kind of fun.

Try and get some geography.

Shawn?
He looks like he's peeing.

Where is the big
furry dog suit?

I'm filming a man
who's peeing, Shawn.

This isn't right.

Who's there?

I've got pepper spray
and Chinese throwing stars.

I mean...
I'm--I'm a ninja.

- What are you guys doing here?
- We had to go too.

What--so you just
left Kate alone at the blind?

It's not like anybody
can see her.

I mean, isn't that the concept?

It's a blind.

Gus, you shouldn't
hold it like that.

You're gonna get black bars
on both sides.

Oh, oh, right.

Katie?

Oh, he saw me, and I saw him!

- We made eye--eye contact.
- Who saw you?

- Who you think, Chavo?
- What the--

Aah!
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Oh, crap!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Aah!

Gus, you okay?

I'm okay.
I'm okay!

Aah!

Gus!

Great move.
Great juke, Gus.

I-I can't say
I feel 100% right now, Shawn.

We lost the monster
and everyone lived.

Even Chavo.

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

Hey, I've got some rope
in my backpack.

I got a flashlight.

So what, am I fodder here?
I'm expendable?

- Hang on, Nutella.
- Don't worry, Gus.

It's not like you're
in the catacombs.

Catch the flashlight, Gus.

- Whoa.
- Ew.

Aah!

I take that back, Gus.

You're in, like,
a miniature version

of the catacombs.

- Ah! It stings.
- Tell you what.

Later on,
you can put one on me,

and then rip it off super hard.

Kate...

You're very open and sensual
and European-seeming.

- I grew up on a commune--
- That's awesome.

But I'm in a fully
committed relationship,

and my lady
and her illegitimate son,

they count on me
to make responsible decisions

in the clutch.

That makes me sad.
And also really hot.

Hey, uh, I don't mean
to set off any alarms here,

but am I the only one
who's troubled

by the three corpses
in the hole?

It seems pretty
cut and dry to me.

We found Bigfoot's
private pantry.

Now we've just got to go back
and wait for snack time.

Or we could be snack time.

Uh-uh, nope,
not today.

Shawn and I
will be leaving now.

Thank you all very much.
It's been real.

Wait, Shawn, I thought this
is what you wanted, man.

The stuff we're getting is epic.
We're gonna make history.

Nope.

He'll want me first.
I'm the sweetest.

What are you saying,
he's gonna start with dessert?

Ooh, good point, maybe not.
Chavo's toast though.

- Son of a bitch.
- Lassie? Jules?

I've never been so excited
to see you ever.

Come on, hug it out.
Hug it out.

I would rather spend all day
at the mall with McNab.

Hey, what are you guys
doing here?

What are we doing here?

We got a call
from a couple of hikers

about an abandoned blue echo

on the side of the road
with Gus's license plate.

You didn't mention
anything about a day trip.

- You two are po-po?
- That's right, Los Lobos.

So get that camera
out of my face.

This had better
be good, Spencer.

I just shined these shoes.
That and the fact

that you and Guster aren't dead,
I am borderline furious.

Okay, listen, listen.
This is Kate and Chavo.

They are film students
making a documentary

about finding Bigfoot
right here in these woods.

They hired me to help them
track the beast psychically.

Hired?
No, you volunteered.

We're not paying you caca.

Needless to say,
we tracked the beast

to its domicile.

It was startled, it gave chase.

We barely made it out
with our lives.

But we did unearth a catacomb

filled with the corpses
of his victims,

which he will presumably
be eating later

- along with Gus for dessert.
- What?

And we got the whole thing
on camera.

That is 0% funny, Shawn.

Please let me shoot
your boyfriend.

Just a flesh wound,
something he can walk away from.

- Please.
- Boyfriend?

This monogamy is really starting
to bum me out.

You say
you got all this on camera?

Yes, we did.

No, way.
Come on, Lassie.

- You saw the footage.
- Impossible.

I know.
It's shocking, really.

But no corpses
can only mean one thing:

It's the zombie apocalypse.

Well, perhaps it's for the best
right here in the woods

- away from the populous.
- That can't be.

They were cold and ashy
and pale and dead.

I think it is painfully clear
what is going on here.

You two Nimrods
have orchestrated a little hoax

so that your film's
not a total waste of time,

and you found the perfect
two chowderheads to fall for it.

That's not true.

Lassie, that's what
we thought at first.

- But it doesn't add up anymore.
- Think about it, Spencer.

Put your finger to your head
and use your brain.

They got a couple
of their bong buddies

to crawl in the hole
and play dead.

You got hosed.

But now they have gone too far,
because my time is money.

Wait a minute. How come
we're ruling out the theory

that the yeti moved
his food stash

- because we found it?
- Yeti is incorrect.

They live in much snowier
climates like Hoth.

You're right.
My bad.

Plus, I found it
by accident, Lassie.

I had to tumble all the way
down a ridge to find it.

Gus has a point.
I mean, the hole was covered.

I don't think those bodies
were meant to be found.

O'Hara, I forbid you
to buy into this load of crap.

We should arrest them
and go back to the city.

Uh, I am sensing
these bodies did not get up

and walk away on their own.

Which also puts the kibosh
on Lassie's zombie theory.

You see...
they were dragged.

Ha! Chupalo!

What does that mean?

You tell me what
that means right now.

Well, this is quite a haul.

Well, this can't be right.

According to
the tracking device,

Bigfoot is...
one of us.

Stop saying Bigfoot
like he's real.

Gus ate a giant turkey leg

- with a transmitter in it.
- Aw, come on.

It wasn't weird to you
that it was just sitting

in a freaking tree?

Someone would have us believe

that these bodies
went into the drink,

which means we've got
to dredge this creek

and bring in some serious
SBPD manpower.

Now you two film geeks...

Think long and hard
about what you say next.

Playtime is over.
I will not be toyed with.

Son of a--
God!

Oh, my--

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Oh, God!

Don't fight the current!

Try to grab onto something!
I'm coming!

Where--
where you going?

Don't worry about it, Shawn.
You do you.

There he is!
Come on, we can go down here.

- Come on.
- Oh.

That's what you get
for calling me Los Lobos.

Dude, this is a total bonus.

- Aah!
- What can I do to help?

- Stay back, Chavo!
- I was hoping you'd say that.

Lassie, grab the branch!

It's right in front of you.

- Thank you, O'Hara!
- Yes! Good work!

Jules, you're amazing!

Hang on, Lassie,
we'll have you out of there

in no time!

Hey!

That lady hawk stole my camera!

How do you know it's a female?

She's circling around.

I think my whole leg
just came off.

Lassie, she's coming
back this way.

I think she's gonna drop it.

Catch it!
You have to catch it!

Catch it!

That was the sexiest thing
I've ever seen.

- Or at least top eight.
- Wow. Wow.

All right, that's the best

we're gonna do
for now, partner.

Stepped in a bear trap.

Oh, what is this?

This is so humiliating.
I can't tell Marlowe the truth.

I've got to come up
with a cover story.

Do you mind?

Does anybody know where we are?

Because I certainly don't,
and this sucks.

Yeah, agreed.

We can follow the river
up a ways,

but the tracks won't be good
once the sun goes down.

Didn't you guys bring a map?

- I kicked it into the creek.
- You did what?

That's the stupidest thing
you could've done, Chavo.

I was just kidding.

We actually never had a map.

Think you can move on that leg?

Not very fast.

Damn it to hell!

It's like we're in
Bridge on the River Kwai

but you get to be Bill Holden.

We're gonna freeze
our pinones off.

Okay.

We are gonna
set up camp for the night.

We're gonna back ourselves up
to the water

so that we don't have to worry
about a 360-degree perimeter.

We will build a fire.

At first light,
I will find my way out of here,

and I will come back
with the cavalry.

Absolutely not.

I'm not letting you go
by yourself.

Shawn, everyone has
to stay here with Lassiter.

- I'll be twice as fast on my own.
- What about me, Juliet?

I'm at least twice as fast
as Shawn.

- That is a lie.
- Shh!

I'm not trying
to be here all night, Juliet.

No, Detective O'Hara's right.

Ow!
No, I'm fine.

Fine.

I'm certainly no
gonna sleep a wink tonight,

so I'll set up a perimeter
and take watch.

O'Hara will set up camp
and protect the herd.

Wait. Please take
one of the cameras with you.

It would mean the world to us.

If you, uh, see anything,
just point and shoot.

What do I look like to you?

The love child

of Matthew Perry
and...Tony Randall.

Here.

It's gonna get
balls-cold out tonight.

- What kind of wool is this?
- It's an angora blend, I think.

- It's delightful.
- I know, right?

Just point and shoot.

This fire is very,
very impressive.

I had no idea that you
were so rugged and outdoorsy.

Well, that is because
you steadfastly refuse

to go hiking, camping,

or mountain biking
with me, Shawn.

Because look
what happens, Jules.

Mother nature
was not meant for us.

It was meant for the animals
and Jeff Probst.

And you know what?
Not really Probst,

because everyone knows
that after wrap,

- he goes to the Marriott.
- Man...

I love the outdoors
more than anything.

We're all animals.

Hey, have you guys ever
seen Cannibal Holocaust?

Nothing's beeping
on the Bigfoot tracker.

Huh?

Oh, my God.

That's what you ran off to do?

How--wait.
What did you use--

We're not talking
about this, Shawn, ever.

You can all suck it.

Stay put.

So...cold.

My ankle's a little
worse off than I let on.

I've lost quite a lot of blood.

It's time to be honest.

I'm no hero.
Not tonight.

♪ Close your eyes

♪ give me your hand, darling ♪

♪ do you feel
my heart beating? ♪

♪ do you understand?

♪ Do you feel
the same? ♪

♪ am I only dreaming?

♪ Is this burning

♪ an eternal flame?

♪ I believe it's meant to be

♪ darling

I would like to apologize.

I'm sorry, Marlowe.

Sorry I wasn't strong enough.

Mom, Althea...

I just want to say
once and for all

that your happiness
is my happiness.

I won't be making any more
off-color LPGA jokes

during the holidays.

♪Watch you
when you are sleeping ♪

♪ you belong with me

♪ do you feel
the same? ♪

♪ am I only dreaming?

- ♪ Or is this burning
- ♪ Burning

- ♪ an eternal flame?
- ♪ Eternal flame

♪ Say my name

♪ sun shines through the rain ♪

- ♪ my whole life was so lonely
- ♪ Flame

Hey, guys.
Hi.

Yeah, how 'bout we don't
attract attention

to ourselves by singing a song?

I'm going to die out here.

O'Hara, you are
the best partner

that I have ever, ever...

That is not possible.

Oh, my gosh.

Bigfoot took Lassie.

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh,
this is really happening.

What are we gonna do?

I-I think there's
only one thing to do here.

Carlton Lassiter
was a decent man.

I'll, uh--I'll never forget
the time he chased Gus

with a samurai sword.

He just about
took his head off.

Although we may have not always
seen eye to eye,

he did have a genuine interest
in upholding the law.

And of course he had
the sweet, sweet stern bush.

Gus, you want to add
anything to that?

- No.
- Stop.

Look, Carlton is not dead.

He can't be, I won't let him.
You understand?

Okay, now we're going
to find him,

and then we're all going
to get out of here.

Chi-Chi, how are we doing
on battery?

Uh, half, and we still
have auxiliary.

Nice, we're ready when you are.

Jules, you're upset.

Why are you
filming this, Shawn?

You're emotional,
and if this was me saying,

"Hey, let's go poke the hornet's
nest with one of Gus's shoes,"

you would say no, and you would
force me to be reasonable.

- Shawn, I smell barbecue.
- No, you don't, buddy.

You're just--
you're distressed,

and you're projecting
a delusion of grandeur.

- No.
- Grandeur.

No, it's smoked meat,
and it's fresh.

It's freshly smoked meat.

That's the direction
Carlton was taken.

Let's go!
Everybody, now!

He sure knows
a lot about smoked meat.

What are we doing?
What--Chavo.

- This is the boobs, man.
- No.

No, this is not the boobs.

Shawn, I said stay behind me.

Three, two...

We are currently tracking
the monster in an attempt

to also find the remains
of one of our own.

- That is overstated.
- Fix it in post.

Needless to say,
we have risked everything

in order to bring the truth
behind this legend

to the rest
of the free speaking world.

Boom, I don't care
how long it's been

since I busted out
the super sniffer.

It's like riding a bike
with my nostrils and cilia.

Look over there.
That's the same cave

we could see from the blind,
which means...

- We've gone in a big circle.
- Shh!

Stay with me, all of you.

Uh-oh.

Oh, my God,
those are Carlton's clothes.

Homes got roasted
rotisserie style.

Okay, uh, in lieu of everything

that we've been through
with that man...

I can't believe
I'm about to say this...

Lassie does smell
absolutely delicious. Gus?

Amen. He's been
dry-rubbed. Ow!

What's the matter with you two?

Look, I refuse to believe
that there isn't

a rational explanation
for all of this,

and I highly doubt that Bigfoot
is dry-rubbing his dinner

- with barbecue sauce.
- Of course he isn't.

It's apples and oranges.
The operative word is "dry,"

- meaning "no sauce."
- Look.

The show must go on, right?
We got to get inside that cave.

All right, I'm sensing
he's not in there.

I'm also sensing that Bigfoot
might have a green thumb.

Which is weird,
because he's Bigfoot.

Huh, these seeds
all took really well.

Huh, well,
this is surprisingly cozy.

What is that?
Is that a solar panel?

- Carlton.
- He's here! He's alive!

Carlton, talk to me.
Tell me you're okay.

Ooh, I don't know.
I may have jumped the gun.

- Is that just his torso?
- You are all heartless!

- Oh, hey, guys.
- Carlton.

Oh, my God,
we all thought that--

- They thought.
- No, I'm fine.

We were gonna come find you
right after brunch.

We?

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Aah!
- Don't shoot! I'm unarmed!

Dear God, you can speak.

Show me your hands!

He's okay, O'Hara.

Okay, I may have fibbed
a little bit

right out of the gates there.

I'm armed,
but I'm not dangerous.

You look dangerous.

I mean, I'm really dangerous.

I'm just not vengeful
or vindictive.

It's okay, Ed.
They're with me.

Carlton, what is going on here?

O'Hara, this here
is Big Ed Dixon.

He saved my life.
Truth is...

my ankle was a lot worse off
than I admitted.

I bled profusely,
and at some point in the night,

I passed out.

Hey, you found my shoe!

I found the trap
with blood on it,

saw Carlton,
put two and two together,

and felt horrible.
It was my trap.

Big Ed picked me up
like a baby fawn

and brought me back here.

He cleaned up my ankle,
redressed my wound.

What's with the furry costume?

And what are you
doing out here?

I've been living in
these woods for over a decade.

Sad truth is, I just lost faith
in the human race.

Now, I was an army ranger
back in the day,

so I knew I could exist
at one with nature.

I don't have to open the paper
every morning and get depressed.

You lost faith in humanity.

You know, Gus and I thought

about doing the same thing
after we saw The Village,

but then we didn't
because that movie was horrible.

In any event, I created
this pelt suit for camouflage.

It allows me
to hunt and move about

without disturbing
the natural order of things.

- Plus, I burn easily.
- God, you're like predator.

But totally doable.

Well, I can't thank you enough
for saving my partner,

and I really hate
to be a buzzkill here,

but there are still three bodies
that are unaccounted for.

I suppose you wouldn't know
anything about that,

would you, Mr. Dixon?

No, ma'am,
I wouldn't hurt a fly.

Anybody hungry?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes.

I've been smoking some venison
outside all morning.

Trust me, my dry-rub is the best
thing you'll ever taste.

Affirmative.

Uh, so it smells.

Oh, my God.
You're unbelievable.

- What?
- Don't you "what?" me.

Show me your teeth.

You sampled the meat.
It's stuck in your teeth.

You tasted the meat when
we all thought it was Lassie?

So what, Shawn?
What difference does it make?

You're the one who said,
"He smells delicious."

I was trying to put a positive
spin on a horrific event.

I certainly wasn't
gonna partake.

I can feel my ribs, Shawn.

Gus, it hasn't even been
24 hours.

Okay, okay, there's plenty
of meat for everyone,

and none of it's human, okay?

I'm gonna hoof it up
to the ranger station,

get an ATV back in here
for Carlton.

I just need to get out
of this suit.

Speaking of suits, yours
should be dry by now, Carlton.

Thanks, Ed.

Oh, this is like crack
made out of deer.

Where is Shawn?

Probably in the back,
snooping around.

You guys aren't at all
suspicious of Ed?

You didn't seem to have
any trouble eating his food.

Ow!

Spencer, you better not
be snooping back there!

Pretty bare bones, huh, Ed?

Well, what do we have there?

I'm just saying, dude's
been living here for how long?

And he's never
seen or heard anything?

- Come on, son.
- Ed Dixon's an angel

in wolf's, bear's,
and elk's clothing.

Why would he nurse me
back to health

if he was a cold-blooded
killer, Guster?

It doesn't make sense.
He's a real man.

He's two men.

Seven feet and what?
Like, 400 pounds?

Did you get a load
of those meat hooks?

- Can you imagine?
- Imagine what?

Hey, you guys,
you should get in here.

Damn it, Spencer,
I told you not to--

I found these buried in the bottom

of Ed's foot locker,
soaking wet.

- It's Jimmy del Ray.
- Titus Clackum.

Both went missing
two weeks ago.

The trail went ice-cold.
They're associated

with the Serbian
crime syndicate up north.

These guys have taken
contract killing

- to a whole new level.
- What did I tell you?

Big Ed is taking out
the trash for mobsters

- who don't even speak English.
- We don't know that for sure.

I mean, they're bound
to have accents.

Wait, there were
three bodies in that hole.

- A woman?
- Not necessarily.

Aah!

I am sensing it was a girl

with a dragon tattoo
on the calf.

A dragon eating something
bloody and heart-shaped.

- Heart.
- Eva Kirilenko.

I've certainly booked her
enough times.

Hooker/stripper, and guess
where she worked the pole.

Clackum's.
I'll be damned.

She must've gotten mixed up
in his business.

She should've stuck to hooking.

All right, there it is.

We know who
the dead people are,

and we know who killed them,
and we're in his house.

Dixon, though?
I mean it doesn't even

sort of sound
like Serbian name.

Unless he changed it
from Dixonovich.

We need to get out of here.

Oh! Aah!

You care to explain these?

I found those netting salmon.

I'm afraid you're gonna have
to come with us, Ed.

I'm afraid you're not
gonna make it

out of here alive, Carlton.

Um, Ed?

I have a pulse.
He's still alive.

But I don't think
he's gonna make it.

- Damn it.
- So does this mean

- that Big Ed isn't a killer?
- Yeah, probably, Kate.

But I don't think now's
the time to make your move.

It's got to be the Serbians.

Aw, come on, man.
Don't tell me that.

How do we know Ed wasn't
already working for them?

Because he saved my life,
and he served our country,

and he lost his wife,
and he's got a garden, Guster.

Why would the Serbs
be out here?

How would they have known Gus
was gonna uncover those bodies?

Right.
I didn't do it on purpose.

Wait.

- The pictures on the blog.
- What about them?

You guys have been
posting pictures on your blog

all over these woods this week.

The Serbs are bound to have
people keeping tabs on the area.

You basically advertised
that you were out here.

Which means they knew
their dumping ground

has been compromised,
so they sent out some mule

to tie up the loose ends
and move the bodies.

- Including me?
- No, Gus, you're probably okay.

Of course including you.

Everyone, all of us,
and poor Big Ed.

He made it all the way
back here to warn us,

that brave sumbitch.

Or they let him go

so they could track him
and see where he goes.

So some cold-blooded
Serbians are coming to kill us?

Has the Student Academy Award
ever been won posthumously?

- We need to get out of here.
- Gus, no, it's too dangerous.

That's like leading
lambs to slaughter.

O'Hara's right.

If they want a fight,
we'll give them a fight.

- I'm really more of a lover.
- We know.

So what the hell
are we gonna do?

Well, look around this place.

Let's get ready.

You do realize we're
in grave danger, right, Chavo?

- People need to know.
- What does that even mean?

I have no idea.
It's just a default excuse

people give
in found-footage movies

for why they keep shooting
no matter what happens.

You guys are using me like
a chest of drawers, aren't you?

- Try to relax, Ed.
- Ow, that's wrong.

Go pro or go home.

All right.

I think we've done
all we can do for tonight.

With any luck, sundown
will come without incident.

We can head out of here
at first light.

I'll be keeping watch out here,
you guys stay

in the back with Lassiter,
and take your cues from him.

We are light on firearms,
but he's got a gun in the back,

and God knows what he used
to do with that morning star.

I'm sorry it's come to this,

but we will make it out of here
if we work together.

Yeah, you know what?
We're sorry too.

No, we're not.

- Chi-Chi! Chi-Chi! Dude!
- Take cover!

Get in the cabin now!

- Chi-Chi!
- Aah! Flip the table over!

- Gus, flip the table!
- Oh, my God!

- What about the camera?
- Kate, what are you doing?

People need to know!

- Oh!
- Katie!

Oof!

Dude, she tried the Denzel.

- We're gonna get shot, Shawn!
- Where did Jules go?

I can't just leave her
out here.

At least she has a gun.

It's the Serbs!

Ah! Ah!

Holy living Mary.

What do you think that means?

It means we need
to get out of here, Shawn.

Shawn! Gus!
Where'd you guys go?

- Shawn!
- Lassie!

Jules knows how
to shoot a crossbow!

Everybody get down!

This is insane!

- Holy crap!
- Uh, Kate.

What are you doing, Lassie?
Shoot that dude.

- You stay down and shut up.
- Uh...somebody help us.

Come to papa,
you son of a bitch.

Katie?

Um...help?
Somebody help us!

- Katie?
- Somebody! Somebody help us!

Thank you! Thanks!
Where's the other one?

Lassie, you got him.
You totally shot that dude.

Of course I got him.
Don't be an idiot.

Where's O'Hara?

I can't see anything
to the west.

This could be
my last meal, Shawn.

Whoa!

Carlton, cover me!

Chavo, Kate, I need you guys

to apply pressure
to each other's wounds.

- Can you do that?
- Chavo, how you holding up?

- I peed. I'm still peeing.
- Oh, Chavo, God! My hair!

Carlton! Shawn!

Oh, my God!
He shot Lassie!

This is gonna
be so hard on my son.

- You don't have a son.
- You know what I mean, Shawn.

Ed, you're alive.
Thank you.

No problem.

I feel...woozy.

- Jules, you're so badass.
- What happened?

That dead Serb shot Lassie.

Carlton? Oh, come on.
Talk to me, Carlton.

This really hasn't
been my day, O'Hara.

It's a damn shame.

Here lies Big Ed Dixon.

He was a gentle giant
with a sensitive soul

and an impressive armament
of medieval weaponry.

If it wasn't for him,

- Gus would be dead.
- So would you, Shawn.

Now that remains open
for debate.

There is no debate.

Bang, bang,
I'm dead, you're dead.

I would've thrown the camera
at his face, Gus.

Oh, please, there's no way
you would've thrown--aah!

- Ow!
- What?

Doesn't anybody check
for a pulse anymore?

Oh, my gosh.
You're still alive.

I-I-I'm sorry.
I didn't know, Ed.

Hold on. I need an EMT
over here right now!

Ed Dixon is alive!
Hang in there, Ed.

We're gonna get you
to the hospital stat.

Um, I kind of turned my back

on modern medicine
ten years ago.

I'm fine.

Can you just pull this axe
out of my spine, please?

Uh, I think you might want to
make an exception for this one.

You don't want to get
a staph infection.

Yeah, I suppose so.

I'm getting woozy.

Didn't anybody hear me?
Ed Dixon is alive!

That's pretty much it, guys.
That's--that's our film.

- Did that just say "Seacrest"?
- Yeah, you know what, Chavo?

I realized, uh,
while I was doing the credits

that I don't know
your last name.

I mean, I assume it's something
like "Cortez" or "Jinjosa,"

or "Ponce de Leon,"
but, uh, I wasn't positive,

so I just, uh--
I went with something safe.

- That is safe.
- It's genius, Shawn.

That is the best film
I have seen

since Love and Basketball.

Wow, that's--

Oh, um, I really liked

some of the nice
editing choices you made.

The dissolve was great.
And, ooh!

The--the flashback?
Nice touch.

Well, uh, that flashback
is actually how it--

how it looks in my head,
this psychic brain of mine.

I thought it might be nice
to give you guys a little peek

into the process
that I am a slave to.

Interesting.

Please remove your arm from
around my shoulder this second.

You got it, chief.

Yes, well, you're all
very lucky to be alive.

The Serbians don't mess around.

Especially when they're wearing
masks and speaking Serbian.

Well said, pop.

I'm also happy to report

that Big Ed will make
a full recovery.

- Mm-hmm.
- God love him.

And if I may just add that,

while I'm not
particularly pleased

with how I'm portrayed
in this film,

Detective O'Hara's heroics
cannot be overstated.

Yeah!

Shawn, thanks
for putting this all together.

It was the least we can do.
I mean, after all,

you are giving up
your Student Academy Award

by offering up this footage
as evidence.

Hopefully it will bring you
some comfort to know

that the remaining killer
will be prosecuted

to the full extent of the law.

Well, it all worked out
about as well as it could

considering that most of you
have gunshot wounds.

You ever been shot, papa bear?

Yeah. Yeah, as a matter
of fact, I have.

Wow. That's super hot.

Okay, well, you know,
some of us do have to get back

to running a precinct, so--

I appreciate that, Karen,
but you're the one

that does the heavy lifting
around here.

Drive safe, if you drove.

"Gopher"?
You credited me as "Gopher"?

You must be out
of your damn mind, Shawn.

I put my life on the line.

I was supposed
to be C-camera operator

and co-producer.
We had a deal.

Not to mention
my points on the back end.

You're right.
This is an outrage.

I'm gonna take this up
with post.

Cool.

Wait a second, you are post.
Get back here, Shawn!