Psych (2006–2014): Season 7, Episode 2 - Juliet Takes a Luvvah - full transcript

- Shawn...
- Maybe, don't...

Stop calling me that.

You have
to take it easy, Father.

Shawn, would you let me go?
Build up your strength.

Do you know
how annoying you are?

Calling me "father" like it's
some black and white movie?

But I'm just trying
to help you, Father.

Henry, let him help you.

I don't need any help walking.
I'm fine.

Both of you.
Just... I'm fine.

When was the last time
you cleaned this thing out?



Look, Mom. You didn't have to fly
all the way here just for this.

Is this a corn dog?

I don't know. But there's one
way to find out. Take a bite.

I'm not biting into this.

Just get a little baby bite...
No. I don't want any.

It's disgusting. Now, I
only made a few meals.

I'm only here a couple of days,

somebody's got to check on him.

I get it. You want me
to swing by,

make sure he has
fresh water, you know...

Change his colostomy bag.

He doesn't have
a colostomy bag.

Are you sure about that?
Because I think he might.

Goose, do you realize
he almost died?



I'm sorry, Mom, I just...

I can't take you seriously while
you're holding that thing.

I know you may
find this hard to believe,

but some day you're going
to want these times back.

Maybe this is your chance to get
to know him in a different way.

Mmm, I don't know if I need to get
to know him in any additional ways.

I mean, the one way seems solid.
It seems sufficient.

I am not
making any promises.

But I will take your words
under advisement.

Insert plank J into peg H.

There is no peg H. Peg H doesn't exist.
I am going to kill somebody.

You just don't know how to
take a Swedish practical joke.

You can go home, Shawn.
I can't.

I have to tell you why I'm here.
There's a reason. It's this.

Jules, I just had
a major epiphany.

Mmm.

You know my lease is almost up.

I... Yes. I

may have been vaguely aware of that fact.

Right.
Well, I'm thinking...

"Shawn, it's time to move
forward in your life."

As a man...
Yeah.

You know? It's... It's not
just about me anymore.

I think that is a very
mature thought, Mr. Spencer.

So you know
what I'm going to do?

What are you going to do?

I am going to move in

with my dad.

Mmm.

Shawn.

I know, right?

How many more times
is my father

going to be recovering from a
gunshot wound in my lifetime?

Maybe once, maybe, if I'm lucky.

What?
You're cool, right?

Don't lie to me, because I can
always tell when you're lying.

Oh! I am so cool, Shawn.

Oh, good! Whew!
Yeah.

For a second you
had me worried there.

Mmm.

Uh, what are you doing?

Look, it's not
what it looks like.

I'm just taking
additional photos

for my SoulMateConnect. Com
online dating profile.

Whew.

I thought there was something truly
embarrassing going on in here.

Look, I need to be
in love, Shawn.

Everyone I've gone after over the last year
has either been a killer or dating a killer.

Oh, well, by all means,
let's scour the Internet.

A place where everyone knows it's
just decent, normal, sane people

looking for true love.

You think you know
so much, Shawn?

Take a look at this.

Boom. She's perfect.

She's like an Indian Princess
who bakes pies.

And I have a date with her.

So suck it!

Buddy, you know
I'm in your corner, right?

But everyone lies
on these things.

Of course she looks
all pretty online!

And you show up
at the restaurant.

Guess who's waving
at you from the bar,

the New Delhi version of
Colonel Sanders with a wig.

What are you doing here
on a Sunday anyway, Shawn?

I was supposed to have privacy.

I need to borrow your suitcase.

What's wrong with yours?
And where you going?

Yours has wheels
and the zipper works.

And I'm moving in with my dad.

You're doing what now?
Does Juliet know about this?

Yeah, I told her last night.

And you're still alive?

Gus, my dad was shot.
Mmm-hmm.

Okay? He's going to need help
doing normal everyday activities.

Right.

Juliet understands that.

She knows that someday, eventually,
we will move in together.

You don't know her like I do.

She's not a reactive person.
She's cool.

Juliet is cool?

Yeah, she's cool like that.

But it looks like Helene is
back on the market, like that.

Helene?

What...

I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions tend
to psych you out in the end

I know, you know

Okay. Um, well, I guess
I became fascinated

with sea horses
when I was about eight

but then I became very serious
about them in my 20s.

Uh, little known fact.

You know, they don't
actually wear saddles,

like they do in cartoons.

Can I show you
some of them?

Sure.
Yeah? Okay.

This is a photo of me
with my long snouted seahorse.

His name is Herschel.

Oh, great name.
Thanks.

He's sort of,
like, the grandpa of the group.

He's got a very fragile
lower G.I. System.

You have to be
very careful, actually.

'Cause they're not omnivores,
which some people think...

Uh, I did.
...herbivores but...

Wow.
Oh, sir?

Sir! Sir! Sir, excuse
me, what the hell?

Oh, gee. I'm sorry.
Hello, Helene.

Do you have something
to say for yourself?

- Who is this guy?
- Who am I?

Who are you?
I...

I'm the boyfriend. So stop staring
creepily into her green eyes, Jack!

Uh, actually, my name is Mike.

My eyes are blue.

How do you know?
You can't see them.

Mike, this is
my ex-boyfriend.

Ex? Oh that's how we're
going to play this?

Oh, come on! He's not
even good-looking!

I mean, he's...
He's okay.

You know what, it's not great.
I'm sorry.

It's not.
You know, I'm not sorry.

Do you have something
to say for yourself?

Wow, uh...

You have got to effin'
be kidding me!

McNab! Get out there and
do something about this!

I wish I could, sir, but I'm
in the weeds right now!

You get...

Get Spencer out of there before
he blows this whole damn thing!

Go!

Leave the spaghetti!

I'm sorry, Mike.

Look, my ex-boyfriend,
he's a little unbalanced...

Unbalanced?

...and very immature.
He just moved back home.

All right, we're going to
play dirty ball, huh?

We're going to play old
school nasty ball?

Well, good luck finding
more garlic sticks!

What? What?

McNab?

What are you doing here?
This is my table.

This is your...

Hmm. You know what? I've had
some time to think about this.

And, uh,
I'm way out of line here.

I'd like to apologize.

You are both lovely.
You are especially lovely.

Thank you.
Dessert's going to be on me.

I'm going to go
hit my side work.

Marry some ketchups.

We have a chocolate flourless cake like
every other restaurant on the planet.

But ours really is amazing.

It really is
and it's coming your way.

You don't work here, McNab.
Not yet, but...

Lassie, I need a flourless
chocolate cake on the fly.

Good going, Spencer. You may
have just blown O'Hara's cover

and six weeks' worth of work!

So no cake?

Okay, listen up.

In the past three months

two women in their late 20s
were killed.

Both of these women
were strangled.

Their bodies both found
in a dense wooded area.

However, we were unable
to find any other evidence

which connected
these two women.

Until we found this.

Both of these women had
profiles on the dating site

SoulMateConnection. Com.

Now, in addition, they dated a
cross-section of these six men in common.

So we believe that one of these
men is the possible killer.

So, we sent Detective O'Hara
undercover

to help draw these men out.

Bottom line,
great news, people.

Allow me to clarify, Chief.

What I mean to say,

is simply that thank goodness

it turns out it might just be a
maniacal serial killer on the prowl,

and not that Detective O'Hara
was truly out there

dating strange men.

Shawn, I have
another date tomorrow.

Are you insane? Have you
completely lost your mind?

What, are you kidding?

You went on a television dating
show and made it to the finale.

Because I am a man, and I do
what needs to get done.

Okay, enough, the two of you.

And don't get me wrong,

it's not that Detective O'Hara
hasn't done a bang up job,

Jezebelling herself out
to half of Santa Barbara.

But it would appear to me,

that you are dealing primarily
with circumstantial evidence.

So, Chief, you are going to
need me to come in here

and read these men.

Or assault them.

Pulling needles out of haystacks
is Shawn's specialty.

So...

You can work together on this.

Hey! Dude, where
have you been?

I need you. There's major stuff
going down on the Jules front.

You just abandon me
in the field now?

That's your new thing?

What?
Shawn, this is Rachael.

Hi.
Rachael, this is Shawn.

Ah, yes. You're the girl from Internet
with the picture and the thing.

She knows who I am.

Is this is a friend of yours?

Friend? Best friends
from childbirth.

Actually from before
we were both born.

We took our first poops together.
What?

Mine was adorable.
His was way too formed.

See, I knew there was something
you were holding out on me

from that baby album.

Wait a minute.

He showed you his baby album?

He's kidding, about the poop.

He kids.
Usually inappropriately.

What, as inappropriate as you
last night telling that waitress

she looked like
a young Eleanor Roosevelt?

She's so funny.

Well, it was loads of fun
for everyone.

But, uh, Gus and I have to tend
to some serious matters now.

Rachael, so,
if you don't mind...

I mean, I don't know if you
walked or drove or what,

but it's a lovely jaunt
down the beach path back

to wherever it was
you came from.

Did you have a jacket?

Shawn.

Uh, I think the date
is still going.

Oh, I get it. You guys
need to say your goodbyes.

Okay. First date, last date.
I'll wait.

I think the first date
was last night, Shawn.

Technically,
this is the second, no?

Technically,
you would be right.

So, technically, this
wouldn't be inappropriate.

Ooh!

Wait a minute,
you guys didn't...

What?

What are you doing?

I used the do-it symbol.

Don't worry. She doesn't
know what it means.

I know what
the do-it symbol means.

I just haven't seen it
since I was 12.

The question is, what is...

What is this
gesture supposed to be?

What are you telling me, man, that
you're seriously into this chick?

She is amazing, Shawn.

She is amazing and beautiful!

You don't know
anything about this girl.

I know she went to Oxford,
is a nutritionist

and she has a voice like the
angels from the British heavens.

The Brits don't get
their own heaven.

She is different, Shawn. She's
not like any of the others.

Really? Because that
doesn't seem fair.

Shawn.

I think she
could be the one.

Well, I don't think
she's the one for us!

Really?

Ugh! Ow!

Gus, don't be the "B"
from apartment 23!

You're better than that.
We're all better than that!

At least I think we are.

Is there anything
I can do for you, Pop?

You want to help,
go clean out the garage.

How about you let me
borrow the truck instead?

And where are you going, what
time you going to be back?

It's a date with Jules.

Oh, that's so sweet! Henry,
let him borrow the truck.

Where are you taking her?

Oh, it's actually not my date.

I have to go to a date that Juliet
is having with another dude.

It's a long story, guys.
It's complicated.

But don't worry. There's no
touching above the knees

and absolutely none of this.

What?

Is that opening a can?

Mom! Everybody
knows what that is.

I want it back by midnight.

What am I, Cinderella?

You want to make it
11:30?

No.

Oh, hey, Mom, what time's your flight tomorrow?
I'll take you to the airport.

Oh, actually, those bags
are going upstairs.

Your mother's going to stick
around for a little while.

Just for a while, make sure you're okay.

I told her that I'll be fine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're moving in?

Oh, my God.

I'm living with my parents.

All right, the movie should be out.
We're back up and running.

All right, this is work time.

I can't believe
you got that out of me.

I normally don't tell people
I'm a Mensa member.

Then they won't play me
in Words With Friends.

Oh, I am so not
intimidated by that.

I bet I could give you
a run for your money.

There's a lot of heat
coming off these two.

No, Jules is a much better actress
than I give her credit for.

Pretending to be into this
Lordan joker, come on.

Please, you're the only one in
this van who isn't into this guy.

Oh, ha-ha!

Oh, come on. You know that
girls are better spellers than guys.

Really? Because I have won every
spelling bee I've ever been in.

Oh, so you're a nerd!

Spell xylophone now. X...

Wow...

So this is how
you're going to play my boy?

Is that Guster?

You didn't tell Guster
about this?

He's going to ruin
the whole operation!

Uh, I don't even know
what you're talking about.

I don't know
who this is, really.

Okay.
Yeah.

Oh. Okay.
I see how this is.

Girl, that is cold. And if I
wasn't on a date myself right now,

we would be having words.

Know that.

That's my boy right there, son.

Let me ask you something. Who...

Who came up with these panic
code words for Jules, huh?

"I feel hot?"

What would you prefer?

Oh, I don't know. How about something
semi-conversational, like, "You have a butt chin"?

Well, here we are. The
end of the date goodbye.

Hmm.

Now, I know that
this is a bit strange,

but I have a surprise for you.

Oh?
Okay.

Now, I need you to turn around.

Oh, no.
Come on, come on.

Just play along. Just play along.
Surprise.

What's he talking about?

She needs us, let's bounce.

No, no, no. Hold up. She
knows what she's doing.

We go out too soon we blow our cover.

Come on, come on, just play along.
That's right, there you go.

You know what, I don't think this...
Uh-uh-uh.

You're going
to ruin the surprise.

Okay. Now close your eyes.

You know what?
I feel hot.

Very hot.

Get out of the way!
Out of the way!

Come on, move! Easy!

Whoa!

Ugh! Get off!

Hey!

A necklace!

You said on your profile
that you liked turtles.

It looks just like the ones I saw on
my trip to the Galapagos Islands.

Wow, that is, uh...

I know. I know.
...just unexpected.

So you said
you were feeling hot?

Oh. Yeah, I, uh...

Uh, I am feeling cold.
I am feeling really cold.

What are you doing? Get
your meat hooks off of me.

What, do you want to blow her cover?
Put your arms around me.

Come on, sell it!

Rub my back at a medium pace.

You're an idiot.
Make it tender!

I'm being tender.

Wait, this just in.

Love is in the air, huh?

Huh, yeah! Something...
Something's in the air.

I'll beat you within an inch of
your life when this is over.

How was the date?

Well, uh, Juliet's guy turned
out to not be a serial killer,

so that was a buzz kill.

But I did get
a little action off Lassiter.

You know, over the clothes,
middle school stuff.

Come sit.

Guys...

I think we need to talk.

This is not a normal situation.

You see that.

I don't see how all of us
living together is going to work.

You're divorced.

I'm in my 30s.

It's weird.

You guys can see that...

Is that The Boy Who Could Fly?

Ow.

Nobody understood him
but Milly.

And then he just flew away
into the clouds, you know?

Sometimes, I feel
like that little boy.

I did some of your laundry today.
It's on your bed.

Mom, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

I don't need you
to do my laundry.

But I couldn't remember if you liked your
socks folded or rolled them into balls.

I like my socks in balls!
I did balls.

Well, that's fortuitous.

Fly, Eric.

Fly.

Uh, O'Hara.

Spencer, this is
Mr. Fielding Mellish.

He is a technical rep
from SoulMateConnection. Com

who is going to help us
track our profiles

and the correspondence
of our suspects, hmm?

Hi, Mr. Mellish.
I'm Detective O'Hara.

And you may not recognize me,
but I'm also Helene,

the undercover decoy
working the case.

I think I'm caught up.

Sweet. I'm Shawn Spencer. I'll be
playing myself the whole time.

Uh. Now that Lordan
is less probable,

our next likely
of the six original suspects

goes on the site with the
name of Mr. Possibilities.

Can you pull him up, please?

Mr. Possibilities,
try Mr. Perfect.

Wow, he looks like
a male model.

I was a hand model.

You want to buy this pen?

No?

Now, you do.

Oh, he's also an art dealer,
a ski-instructor

and he runs his own
nonprofit children's charity?

And, um, this guy's single?

Wow, I really missed out
on this online thing.

And I am going to
let you go back to work.

Okay!
Thank you.

So, you wrote to this guy four
times under your cover profile.

Yes! And I cannot
get a date with him!

Easy there, Debbie
Does Santa Barbara.

Listen, if you ask me, I think your
profile needs some sprucing up.

Sprucing up?

Well, yeah. You seem sort
of middle of the road.

I mean, who lists The Mentalist
as one of their favorite TV shows?

You need to get more spicy.

Why would you do that? Why would
you make fun of The Mentalist?

I don't really have any...
I'm serious.

Why would you possibly
take a shot at that show?

I've never actually seen it.

Okay.

Well, I'll check it out.

You have to tailor-make your profile
to attract this Mr. Possibilities.

What will it take?

I think we're looking at
a complete overhaul here.

I mean, we're not trying to attract
a 30-something-year-old guy

who lives with his parents.

That is so true!

Pathetic.

Well, I have to
say this is the first time

I've ever been
fingerprinted on a date.

Ma'am, just keep cooperating

or I'll have to take you back
into the interrogation room.

Gus! What are you doing?

I'm in the middle of a date!

How can this possibly
still be going on?

He's booking me.

Some of us are in there
doing real detective work.

There, in the conference room, while you
two are acting like children out here.

What?

This is my lunch, which was
packed for me by my mother.

It is clearly labeled Goose.
And now it cannot be stolen.

Which happens!

Even here, at a police station.

All right, Shawn.

What do you think?
Wow.

You...

look like you're late for
a Whitesnake video shoot.

Shawn, relax. I don't actually
want to date any of these guys.

I'm trying to solve a murder.

Helene?
Lordan!

Come on, this guy?

He's a lame chop!
Slathered in fail sauce.

Hey, did you get
the flowers I sent?

Yes. Yes, um, I did. They
were gorgeous, thank you.

This guy has been
eliminated as a suspect.

Therefore, there is no
need for flirtation.

Eliminated? Shawn, just because
he didn't kill me at the time,

doesn't mean
he doesn't want to.

You're right. Okay, we do this together.
I'm your wingman.

Shawn, I don't need
a wingman. Lay back.

Who's this?
A friend.

Friend? Really? That's me?
I'm at friend status?

Yes, what else would you be, Shawn?

What is that? Is that a
suit for a school picture?

No.

Every time I close a big
deal, I buy myself a suit.

Hmm.

I'm in the commercial
real estate business.

I build skyscrapers.

What business are you in?

I'm a psychic, Jack.

And I build...

Swedish furniture.

And he lives with his parents.

They're old and frail, and
I have to care for them.

And one of them
has a colostomy bag.

Oh.

Hey, goose!
Come try these on.

I want to see how
they fit in your seat.

Look, I really appreciate
the ride over here

but I am in the middle
of an investigation.

Well, at least hold this
up to your shoulders

so I can see about
the sleeve length.

Mom, did you hear what I just said?
I'm investigating a...

Oh, look at that.
That is nice.

Do you want to
go out again sometime?

No. Um...

Look, Lordan, you are...

Wonderful.

But I'm not your girl.

That's actually my ex, and...

We're trying
to get back together.

Really? That guy?

That's his mom.

He's a lucky guy.

Good luck, Helene.

Thank you.

You know, you're going to make a
really handsome baby-daddy.

Yeah.

So, bye, you know...

Whoa!
Yep, that's there.

For now.
See you.

What the hell is all of that?

I know what this is about.
It's not about this dude.

This is about you competing
with those girls

that Mr. Possibilities
did go out with.

Well, what is it?

Am I not as attractive?
Is that what it is?

I don't know, Jules.
Those girls are dead.

You are competing with girls
who were murdered.

So that's it.
So, I'm not as attractive.

Wow, it kind of makes me
hate those girls.

The dead girls.

The murdered girls.

Yeah, you're right, it's kind of
inappropriate and disrespectful

that I said that.

Actually, it's great
that you just said that.

Hang with me, Mellish.
I know you can.

We have been concentrating this whole
time on the men these women are dating,

but what if, what if

it's one of the other women?

One who's jealous?

Women? When they smell your
pheromones, their claws come out.

I've seen it firsthand.

I bet you have. You strike
me as a real swordsman.

I was a fencer in high school.

That's not
what I'm talking about.

But seriously, what if one of these women
is literally killing off her competition?

I'm doing a search right now of all
correspondences with Mr. Possibilities.

There were several women
who wrote to him,

but one woman wrote to him multiple,
multiple times with no response.

Wow, this chick really
went off the charts to get this guy.

Kind of creepy.

Even for creepy online
dating people.

Bingo! Who is she?

Uh-oh.

See, it's all about
the follow through.

You done this move before?

First time, actually.

Is it working?

Well, let's see
if I make this shot.

Mmm.

Fore!

Ah!

Sorry about that.

The mouth on that evil clown head
is so much wider than I thought.

Shawn, what are you doing here?

Don't worry, Gus.
I come in peace.

I'm here to apologize.
Not to you, to Rachael.

Clearly, you and I
got off on the wrong foot,

or whatever you guys call it
across the pond.

We call it a foot.

Well, it was my fault
and I'd like to start over.

Well, that's big of you,
me, too.

Rachael, you seem like a very sweet
girl with a lot of love to give.

Thank you, Shawn. That's
very generous of you to say.

Unfortunately, you are
also a serial killer.

That's right, Gus,
a killer of women.

At least two, with blond hair.

No, no, no. You will not
do this again, Shawn!

You will not take this
beautiful budding relationship

and destroy it by accusing
the girl of murder!

Not again!
Not this time.

What... This has
happened before?

Once or twice, yes.

Look, Gus.
I didn't pick her.

I can't help it
if she likes to kill.

Shawn, while you are accusing
my girlfriend of murder,

there is a real
serial killer out there

maybe getting ready
to kill again!

Wait, did you just
call me your girlfriend?

I'm sorry.
No, no. Don't be.

You wanted a date with
Mr. Possibilities, remember him?

You should. You wrote to him over eight
times in a period of three weeks.

Each time, he rejected you.

You got jealous and you
went after those two women

who were able to capture
his attention for revenge.

Because if you couldn't have him,
then no one could. Am I right?

Wait, you wrote to some white
dude, like, eight times?

You're a psychic? And you
make money off of this?

It's very simple, Rachael. Just
prove to me that you have an alibi

for the night of the first
murder, April 11th at 9 p.m.

And you stay out of it.

Do not be the Tom Selleck
to her Paulina Porizkova.

What are you talking about?

From Her Alibi, 1989.

Rotten Tomatometer, 15%.

Audience meter, 38%.

If anything, Gus would
be my James Farentino.

Who is that? Some other white dude
you tried to get a date with?

This

is me receiving an award for a school
nutritional program I initiated.

Look at the time stamp.

7:30 p. M? So, what?

We're to believe that you
gave a speech about nutrition

that lasted an hour and a half?

You could have been anywhere you
wanted in this city in 20 minutes.

I wasn't in Santa Barbara.
I was in New York.

This is me in front
of the Statue of Liberty.

Okay, look. Obviously
I'm going to have to, uh,

verify all this information
down at the station,

but for now it would appear that
you're okay to keep putting.

Just don't try to skip town.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

Well, I am.

If it's all right with you,
I'm just going to...

I'm just going to play through.

Hey, Jules.

Hey, I just accused Gus' girlfriend
of being a serial killer

and now I'm playing
mini-golf by myself.

And I just feel like I may
be going down a bad path.

So let's make this
a date night, shall we?

Ooh, Shawn, I can't because I
got a date with Mr. Perfect!

Yes, I guess
the new profile worked.

You sound genuinely excited
about this?

I am...

As a detective.

For the break, Shawn.

But, uh, look I really
need you in my ear for surveillance.

I cannot do this without you.

I...

Shawn, I need you to find a
way to be okay with this.

Do you have any idea
what I'm going through?

My girlfriend
has a new boyfriend.

My best friend
has a girlfriend.

My mom bought me shorts.

Look, I just... I need
somebody to talk to here.

Shawn, I would and
I'm really, really sorry.

But we are just so busy right now.
Yeah, can you go back?

I get it.

Mom? Dad?

Think I could use a quick chat.

Mom?

Look, Dad...

No!

Goose!

Fly, Eric!

Fly high,

high into the clouds.

I want you to feel like
you can ask me anything.

There are no silly,
stupid questions.

Please stop making sounds
with your mouth.

It all happened
very organically.

I'm still trying to
process it myself.

I think maybe it grew out
of our history or...

Maybe even my new outlook
on life post being shot.

Plus,

your mother is
a very attractive woman,

and I'm a man, with needs.

Dad?
Yeah?

When I was a kid...

That's good, that's good.
Keep going.

I had a recurring
nightmare that

aliens came down
and abducted me.

And they did experiments
on my brain.

Where are those aliens now?

Shawn, look...
Please, take me away!

I don't know
anything about aliens.

But I do know that lovemaking
can be a very beautiful thing.

And it's a product
of a loving relationship.

Holy crap!

Dad, look at this guy.

Whoa, whoa, Shawn. I don't think I'm
ready to have this conversation.

No, no. Dad, look!
It's the same guy!

It's the same man!

Look, these pictures were taken
straight from the catalog

and then Photoshopped
with different backgrounds.

Like this one. With, uh,
him in the ski gear.

Look, it was shot
in the studio, right?

Now look at this.

On the profile, it's in front of a
ski lift, like he's actually skiing.

Shawn, how long have you
been obsessed with this man?

Dad, I got to go.

This talk of ours will have to
wait until well after we're dead.

And even then, the dead version of me
is not going to have any questions

for the dead version of you,
'cause it wasn't organic.

And you don't know
anything about lovemaking.

Thanks for joining
the case, buddy.

Not a problem.

And I'm sorry I accused
your new girlfriend

of trying to pull
a Bride of Chuckie thing.

It's cool. I know what it's
like to be lonely and single.

Well, I'm not single, Gus!

And that was you
as of yesterday.

All right, Shawn, you don't seem
to be in a healthy head space.

I'm sorry.

Maybe it's because I walked in on my
divorced parents having sex, Gus.

And then my dad sat me down and told
me that my body was a wonderland.

Shawn, are you sure you saw
what you think you saw?

Yes, I'm positive.

What about you?
What?

Did you ever walk in
on your parents?

My parents
never had sex, Shawn.

Of course they did.
Didn't happen.

Look. You're looking at one of God's
perfect little miracles right now.

Oh, yeah?
Well, what about Joy?

I'm still not sure
she isn't adopted.

Where is she, by the way?
I don't know.

Man, why are we sitting in
front of some dude's house?

'Cause he's not just some dude, Gus.
He's Mr. Possibilities.

And Mr. Possibilities
isn't who he says he is.

His real name is Ken Dowling.

Fabricated an entire profile

to try and create the perfect
single man living in Santa Barbara.

Why would he do that?

Because he's already married.

What?

And Lassie confirmed
that he has a record.

And he's the only one
left of the original six.

Uh-uh.

Man, I would never
cheat on Rachael.

I can't imagine not having
her in my life right now.

Really? Just think back
to yesterday at about 6 p.m.

Come on.

We have a marriage to destroy.

My husband is having an affair?

If only it were
that simple, Miranda.

All right. He's gone
down for his nap.

What's going on?
Who are these guys?

Shawn Spencer,
psychic detective.

This is my partner,
Immaculate Conception.

We are both not married.

Although,
he has a new girlfriend,

and my girlfriend is currently
seeing other people,

but strictly for professional reasons.
She's a pro.

You have a profile
on a dating website?

Go ahead, Ken. Tell her.

You used online dating
to re-live your single days.

Tell her how you created this Mr. Possibilities
profile and started living a double life.

Ken?

Only thing you didn't count on
were those two poor blond girls

figuring you out and threatening
to expose you to your wife.

Isn't that right, Gus?

I'm really hearing most of
this for the first time, so...

You had no choice but to get rid
of them, the old-fashioned way.

Goose!

Who is Goose?

What? I don't know! I mean, I would
never use those pictures to get dates!

How could you do this to us?

Yes, Ken.
How could you?

Look at that pug's face!
Look at it!

Shame on you.
Shame on you!

I can sense it.
Your infidelity...

Your extracurricular activities,
possibly office-related.

I'm not sure.

Ken?

I went out with my secretary
for lunch once. Once.

Did you order dessert?

Did you order desert?

Yeah. Maybe, I don't know. What...
What does this matter?

I'll tell you what
I'm going to do, Ken.

I'm going to call a car
to come here and arrest you.

McNab, hey. I need one paddy
wagon, one patty melt,

some yellow crime scene tape
and, uh, two cinnamon rolls,

delivered to
the following address.

Jules?
So this thing is off?

I got good news
and I got better news.

The good news is you don't have
to go on a date with Mr. Perfect,

because Mr. Perfect
is married.

Married?

Don't sound so disappointed.
That was the good news.

I'm sorry, O'Hara.

Why is everybody so sorry?

Look, I busted this guy by figuring
out that he murdered those women

when they discovered his scam.

Did he look as good
as his pictures?

Honey, please!

Yeah, I guess so.

Hello?

It's a tough break, O'Hara.

But tell you what, I'll go
snatch this guy up and book him.

Why don't you go home, watch a couple
of episodes of Sex and The City

and shake this whole thing off?

Uh. What is she
shaking off, exactly?

Hello?

Hello, my dear. You know what I
think might make you feel better

is if you go home tonight,
change into your Helene outfit,

do a little dance to
Pour Some Sugar On Me.

It isn't Jules,

but I'd be willing to wear what I'm wearing
right now and drop it like it's hot.

Mellish?

I know you told me to call you if there was
any activity on Mr. Perfect's account.

Well, that is
no longer necessary,

because Mr. Possibilities, a.k.a.
Mr. Perfect has been arrested. He's done.

Well, then I don't know
how you explain this.

Mr. Possibilities just sent
an e-mail 10 minutes ago.

Well, unless he used
his teeth or, uh,

or hit the little keys with
his nose while handcuffed,

that's not possible.

Unless the guy you have in cuffs
is not Mr. Possibilities.

Hmph.

Mike?

Hello, Helene.

You weren't expecting
to see me here, Helene?

Are you waiting on a
date or something?

No. Uh, you know,
to be honest, I sort of,

gave up on that whole dating thing.
It's just too much drama.

Yeah.
Me, too. Me, too.

Uh, so you're not here expecting
to see a Mr. Possibilities?

Who? No. No, I
don't even know who that is.

Oh.

Helene.

What? Who is he?

Well, he's nobody.
Yeah, he doesn't exist.

I'm sorry, did you think...

Yeah, the really bad news for
you is that I created him,

to prove a point.

Lassie, we got to go!
Jules is in trouble.

What are you talking about?

I'll explain on the way.
Gus, come on.

Such a beautiful day, isn't it?

Let's go look at some ducks.

Come on, nice and easy.

Nice and easy.

It'll be just like a date.

To prove a point to who?

Oh! To all of you women!

Because you lie.
Watch your step.

You say you want the nice guy,

you say you want the good guy,

but then,
you're all so shallow

and I just proved it.

I hate this.

This is just...

This is just a terrible, horrible
thing you're making me do, Helene.

Mike, no one
is making you do anything.

Yes, you are!

Mike, Juliet's date
from the Italian restaurant.

Oh, yeah, I dated both those
girls that were killed.

Yeah, they rejected me,

they gave excuses why they weren't
ready for a relationship.

And then they turned around

and they were totally interested
in my, uh...

Fictitious alter-ego, Mr. Possibilities,
because he's good-looking

and he seems flawless.

You see, women don't want
what they say they want.

And you're the same.

All right, this was
the meeting spot.

She can't be far off.
Let's split up!

Remember on our date at the restaurant,
remember what you told me?

Do you remember how you told me
that things were... What was it?

What was it, Helene?
They were too complicated?

They were
too complicated for you,

and then you turn around

and you write
to Mr. Possibilities.

You're practically begging...
Beg to go out with him.

I almost gave you a
pass, but then you kept writing.

You were relentless.

You just had to go out with him.
Didn't you?

No, I didn't!
Don't turn around!

But I'm not like
those other girls.

I did like you.

Maybe a little too much.

I just didn't think
that you were into me.

I mean, you actually... You made
me a little nervous because

I just didn't think that someone like you
would take someone like me seriously.

It's true.

I just wondered the whole time

what you looked like
without those glasses.

May I?

See?

That is so much better.

When I look into your eyes,

I see how deeply
you feel things.

And I understand why you had to
do what you did to those girls.

You do?

And now

it can just be you

and me.

Jules, I'm coming! Okay.

Oh, come on, you guys!
Get a room!

Really?

You see? Fake dating isn't
all it's cracked up to be.

It had its moments.

You made-out
with a serial killer.

You made-out
with Lassiter.

Okay, I guess
that makes us even.

Jules, I had a startling
revelation this week.

I'm ready to cohabitate
with someone.

Really?

Someone?

I was going to put an ad on
Craigslist, but I mean, if...

I mean, if you know
somebody, I'm wide open.

I, uh, like the way we fit.

And I'm not just talking about when
we spoon it up, half-moon style.

Although, that's tight.

I think it's time
that we moved in together.

That doesn't scare you?

I've thought about it,
believe me, I...

I just realized that I haven't
lived in the same apartment

for more than three months
since I've met you.

Mmm.

And home

should be wherever you are.

And the dogs we're going
to get relatively soon.

So, wherever you
and the fleet of pugs are,

that's where I want to be.

I feel the exact same way.

About pugs.
Good, good.

'Cause you can fit their little
faces right in your mouth.

God, they just squish
right in there.

Just eat their
little faces right off.

So what made you so sure?

I learned a lot this week,
moving back in with my dad. I...

I learned you can't go back
to your childhood home.

No, that's just a place
that lives in your head.

No, I mean literally, I can't go
back to that house ever, ever again.

Under any circumstances.
Ever!

I saw my parents doing it.

What?
Yeah.

You're kidding.
It was horrifying.

It was just a series of limbs,
like, more limbs than made sense

and old person's skin
and primal noises.

Noises?
It was just like an aardvark.

I am so sorry.

You want to know
something else crazy?

Yes.

I'm going to kiss you
on the mouth now.

Live with me.

Okay.

Boom.

Good bye, single Gus.

I know I may have felt a little threatened
by you and Rachael at the beginning,

but I...

I am very happy for you.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I only half mean it. I still
feel a little threatened.

I know. But my relationship isn't
quite where you and Juliet's are yet,

but we're getting there.

Easy, tiger.
Baby steps. Right?

These things are delicate.
Mmm-hmm?

You know, take it slowly.
Get to know each other.

Mmm-hmm.
Maybe break up.

Hey! Look who's here!

I'm not interrupting
anything, am I?

Not at all.
Not at all.

Mmm.

We were sort of...

Mmm.
That's fine.

Hello, boo!

Mm! That's the sweet kind of
kisses I was looking for.

Mmm.

Hello, boo.

You don't get
to use boo, Shawn.

Oh, all right.

Look, Rachael, I just
wanted to say that, uh,

I'm not going to be accusing you
of murder again anytime soon.

And I was wrong
about you and I'm sorry.

And it's clear that not everyone
on the Internet is a liar and a...

thief and a harlot.

Thanks. And I want you to know that I
recognize you and Gus pooped together.

You're a good friend. And I'd never
interfere with that friendship.

I'm going to go get some snacks.
Who'd like snacks?

I'd love an apple, thanks!

I said snacks, which...

...means an apple.

You know,

this is weird.

I know it's a brand new relationship,
but I feel so close to you.

It's not weird.
I feel the same.

I feel comfortable,
like I can tell you anything

that I wouldn't have the
courage to say to other guys,

and certainly not so soon.

Boo, you can tell me
anything you want.

I'm ready for it all.

Mmm!

Hey, Max! Gus, this
is my son, Maximus.

Maximus, I told you
so many times

not to do it indoors
on the floor, little man!

All right, I found some
green apple Jolly Ranchers.

But that's the best
that I could do.

Holy crap!
Who is that?

I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions tend
to psych you out in the end

I know, you know