Psych (2006–2014): Season 6, Episode 5 - Dead Man's Curveball - full transcript

Shawn and Gus investigate the death of baseball coach for the minor league. Shawn says the way to do it is to become part of the team. Gus becomes the mascot.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Ball four and that loads them
for the reigning Double A

player of the year, Cal Eason.

This is the exact guy manager Mel
Hornsby wants up in this situation.

Way to go! Way to go!
Good eye.

Thanks, Mel. Some day
I'm going to be just like you.

Well, not just like you,
I won't chew tobacco.

That's murder on the gums.

And I'll get a different haircut,
not that yours is that bad.

It just won't work with
my head, you know?

And I definitely won't grab my
crotch so much during games.

It's weird.

Go get 'em, Cal.
You got it!

Wait for your pitch, Cal.
Wait for your pitch, Cal!

Be patient.
Patient. Be patient.

Play ball!

There's a high drive,
way back and gone.

Cal Eason has done it again!


Let's go, Shawn!
Let's go!

All right, Spencer, we're down
by one. Just get on base.

Come on, Brenda, bring me
that weak sauce. Bring it!

That a boy!

You got any more Creamsicles?

I'm going!

All right, hold on.
Hold up!

Hold up! Hold!
Come on, Shawn!

No, no, stop!
What is wrong with you?

You're out of there!
Game over!

Son of a...
This guy.

What? That is the worst call I have ever seen.
What do you have, dolls' eyes?

You mocking me?
No. I am stating a fact.

You need glasses. Last week you
mistook me for Michael Chiklis.

That's because you were
dressed like Michael Chiklis.

First of the month, Gus and I
play The Commish. You know that.

Don't blame me for your stupid base-running.
Even in sports, you've got no discipline.

I was safe by a yard
and you know it.

You called me out because
you were jealous.

Jealous? Jealous of what?

I am something that you never
were. I am a bona fide star

in the class C municipal Santa
Barbara co-ed softball league,

you son of a bitch! That's it!
You're out of here!

You can't toss me!
The game is over!

I'm going to leave before he does
anything truly embarrassing.

Too late.

Pick it up.
Suck it!

Out! Get out!

- Suck home plate!
- You suck it.

Suck it.

Want the last bite
of my Creamscicle?

Yes, I would actually.
I bet you would.

That's messed up.

That was one hell of a swing.



Look at you. My former
bat boy all grown up.

Gus, it gives me great pleasure
to introduce Mel Hornsby,

manager of the Seabirds.

Oh, wow. Sounds like
the coolest job ever.

Minor league baseball team,
not the actual birds.

Shawn, the reason
why I'm here is...

I know, Mel. I'm a psychic.
You need me to play shortstop.

No. I want you to do some
investigative work for me.

Slash play shortstop.

No. I definitely
don't need that.

Look, I am willing to move
positions only because it's you,

but I'd like to pick my
spot in the batting order.

What do you need investigated?

My longtime hitting
coach, Grady Barrett,

dropped dead the other day
of a heart attack.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry, Mel.
Grady was a good man.

Yes, he was. But there's a
little bit more to the story.

They found a large amount of
amphetamines in his system.

Greenies, as we call them in
the baseball world.

Yeah. Greenies?
That doesn't sound

like Grady.

Do you think someone on the team
slipped him drugs and murdered him?

Perhaps. Whatever happened,
I just need to know.

The man was
like a brother to me.

Yeah, of course.
We'll help you, Mel.

But in order for me to
investigate properly,

I'm going to have to get
on the inside, I mean,

deep on the inside.

I'm not making
you my shortstop.

Third baseman.

Utility infielder?

Lefty situational reliever?

You are right handed, Shawn.

Here's the thing, when I get hired
by a professional sports franchise,

it is customary that I go
undercover as one of the players.

What if I make you a coach?

I could say you're my roving hitting instructor
until the organization finds a new one.

I can rove.
I feel like I can rove.

And then I'll get to work
with Cal Eason again.

That's right.
It's amazing.

After 20 years, he's right back
where he started. Poor guy.

We'll need to find something for my
partner, Gus, here. We're a package deal.

Well, we do have
one position available.

Sounds good. Yeah.

Come on! Make him work
up there! Make him work!

Make him work up there.
Make him work.

I can't believe I let you
talk me into this.

Are you kidding me?
You're killing it up there.

Hey, come on, Ump!
You call that a strike?

Come on, Ump!
You call that a strike?

You'll never get to the majors!
Never get to the majors!

In between the lines
there's a lot of obscurity

I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity

If it's all right
then you're all wrong

But why bounce around
to the same damn song?

You'd rather run
when you can't crawl

I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions tend
to psych you out in the end

I know, you know

I know, you know

I'm not dressing up as that mascot again.
That was humiliating.

Oh, come on, Gus,
you killed it, man.

Did you hear the crowd go
nuts when you did the worm?

That wasn't the worm.
I'm sorry, the centipede.

It wasn't the centipede, either. I was
dealing with an itch on my stomach.

I think that suit has fleas.

So this is where
Grady lives, huh?

Not bad. Let's find these drugs so we
can put an end to this stupid case.

We're not going to find any
drugs in there, Gus.


If Mel says Grady was clean,
that means he was clean.

All I know is that people who
die with drugs in their system

are usually the ones who put
drugs in their system.

Check it out.

Come on inside.

You know what, man? Doesn't even bother
me that we're spinning our wheels.

Gives me more time to work on
getting my one professional at-bat.

That's not going to happen.
Ooh. Macadamias.

I'm pretty sure those
are old chickpeas.

Why would he leave those out?

Because he's dead.
That's no excuse, Gus.

Oh, look, Gus, Grady really did
coach with some of the greats.

Picture of him and Tito Jackson
in a baseball uniform.

That's Rod Carew.

Agree to disagree. Keep looking.
I'm going to check upstairs.

Sounds good, bro.

Will you stop goofing around?

I'm not goofing around. You're goofing around!
By the way, is it hot in here?

Not really.
I gotta be honest, man,

it seems a little warm to me.

Let's see...

Nothing in the kitchen.

Are you feeling okay?

Actually I feel pretty terrific,
like super duper focused.

Why are you staring at my ear?

I don't know, but I can't
take my eyes off it.

Why are you talking so fast?
Why are you hearing so slow?

Why are you doing
everything so slow?

Why are you so slow all
the time, Gus?

You know we should
get out of here, man.

If there were greenies in this house, I
think we would have found them by now.

Dude, not necessarily.


I had a friend of mine at the lab
run a quick test on the water

and it is, in fact, laced
with amphetamines.

Now what made you suspect
this, by the way?

47, 48, 49, 51!

Oh, no.

He memorized the entire owner's manual
to my car on the way over here.

Hey, Jules. Did you know that the
Toyota Echo has a 1.5 liter inline,

four-cylinder engine with
multi-locking brakes?

What's wrong with Shawn?

He accidentally ingested speed.

Okay. Are you working on anything
we should be involved with?

Not yet.

Hey, it's the bald, blind
umpire of Santa Barbara.

You were out by a foot.

Come on, you two. Shawn,

I think we should tell
Mel Hornsby about the bottle.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, that's
who you're working for?

Yep. He hired me to investigate
the tragic death of Grady Barrett

and he made me a coach.

You're kidding.
Why didn't he contact me?

I've been a season ticket
holder for 15 years.

Probably because he
wanted somebody good,

but I'm sure he appreciates
the 40 bucks

you shell out
for those tickets annually.

Shawn, enough. I need you
to focus right now.

Buddy, I'm not sure
I'm capable of anything else.

I'm locked in
on your ear again.

Shawn, listen,

I think Mel was right about
somebody slipping Grady greenies

without his knowledge.

I'm not so sure about that, Gus.
Dad, who wears number 42?

Izzy Jackson.
Organization's top prospect.

He signed a massive
contract last year.

Sweet. Let's go!
To where?

How long until this
stuff wears off?

Hopefully in about
half an hour.

Shawn, wake up.

Where are we?

At the address you told me to drive
to right before you passed out.

Oh, man!

Those things will really
slap you on the way down.

Why are we at a bar?

It's not just any bar, Gus. It's the
favorite hangout of the Seabirds.

For real, where?
The team.

Oh. Why do I keep doing that?
Because you're a fool.

By the way, these guys
have really taken to me.

I mean, they really
love me. I'm serious.

Good game today, man.

Thanks, towel boy.

You see?
We're just like family.

This is where I'm betting
we'll find Izzy Jackson,

the actual owner
of that water bottle.

So he killed Grady?

Yeah. But not
necessarily on purpose.

He had a hitting session
with Grady

about an hour and a half
before he died.

This is what I think happened.

Izzy's popping greenies
to improve his performance.

They get their bottles
mixed up during the session.

Grady goes home with the wrong
bottle, takes a few more swigs,

his old heart just gives out.

Wait a second. Izzy's taking greenies?
Don't they test for that stuff?

Yeah, but it's pretty easy
to get around those tests.


I could pass one tomorrow by
simply taking some of your urine,

putting it in a cup and
swapping it out with my urine.

I would not let you
touch my urine.

You're not the friend I
thought you were. Well.

So, what's our plan?

Simple. We approach Izzy, get him
to admit to popping greenies.

That doesn't sound
simple, Shawn.

Gus, don't be
Pete Rose's haircut.

What's up, man?

What is up?

Shawn Spencer.

Yeah, we met earlier today.
I'm your new hitting coach.

Really? I thought you were the...
New shortstop? No.

Towel boy.

Actually... Hey, you're
the new mascot, right?

You do a killer worm.

I actually had an itch.

Listen, Shawn, don't take this the wrong way,
but I'm on a bit of a hot streak of late.

I don't want you coming in,
messing with my swing.

Because I have a tendency
to over-think things.

That surprises me.

But it doesn't matter because if it
ain't broke, don't fix it, am I right?

Yeah. God, you look so focused
at the plate these days.

I mean, just really,
really focused.

What are you implying?
Nothing, man.

Though if you were getting a little
extra something from Uncle Greenie,

I wouldn't be mad at that. Lord
knows I used it when I was playing.

Yeah, I never touched that
stuff and I never will.

Well, I can respect that.

You know, I think this
conversation is over.

Oh, come on, Izzy, the party's
just getting started.

No, I said it's over.

Hey, settle down.
Take it easy.

Hey, hey, it's all good, Cal.

Hey, bartender, let's get another round
of drinks for this man on me, all right?

This guy.

Let's get our drink on!

This guy... Yeah!


It's never wise to mess
with a drunk idiot, Shawn.

You should know that.

Oh, man, are you a sight
for sore eyes, Cal.

Man, I can't believe you're back
here playing for the Seabirds.

Yeah, nor can I.
After the Rangers cut me,

it was either sign up here or get some
lousy job like selling pharmaceuticals.

That's a noble profession.

Well, you look good, man.
Real good.

I gotta tell you, I've been a
fan, a big fan over the years.

Well, listen, I appreciate you
being such a big fan and all,

but I'm not sure I'm worthy of it,
especially after the career I've had.

Are you kidding me?

If it wasn't for your knees, you would
have been a perennial all-star.

You hit over 300, all
four years in Baltimore,

your 36.2 percentage for
thrown-out base runners

was one of the best
of your era.

You really are a fan, huh?

I gotta tell you, man, I would do anything
to get back into the big leagues.

I just feel like I got something
left in the tank, you know?

You bet your butt you do. I'm
going to help you get back, Cal.

You are not a real coach.

You're not a real person.

And you will be catching again
in the bigs in no time.

Well, I appreciate
your enthusiasm, Shawn,

but if it is going to happen, it's
not going to be as a catcher.

My knees can't take it anymore.

What I got to do is I got to
transition to first base,

but I got that
drunk moron ahead of me.

Wow. That's actually impressive.

It's disgusting.

Yeah, Mel wants me to whip him
into shape. I don't know.

Care to dance?

I would absolutely love to.
Excuse me, gentlemen.

Could he be any more awesome?

Shawn, how are we going to
prove Izzy's taking greenies?

I don't know, man. There's gotta
be a way to test this guy.

Izzy, we have a game tomorrow.

You have another one of those, you're
going to end up whizzing yourself again.

Hey, drunk...

No. No. No.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

No, Shawn.

Oh, excuse me.

Can we have another round of
drinks for my boy Izzy there?

And some shots.

Keep them coming all night long.
Big night for him. Big.


Not again.

Stealing the pants off a drunk
guy for a urine sample?

Really, Shawn?

Hey, hey, look for the record,
he removed them himself, okay?

I just hooked them with a stick and ran
off as he tried to set Gus on fire.

That guy parties hard.

Hey! I am your coach!
I am not the towel boy.

I have my own windbreaker!

Yeah, well, it was a hair-brained
idea, but shockingly it worked.

The lab was able to run a test
on the urine found on the jeans.

Nice. And?

The guy had a blood alcohol level of.29.
He was loaded.

Okay. What about greenies?

No. Nothing.

Where's Jackson?

I'm sorry.
I haven't seen him, Mel.

Shawn, if Izzy wasn't taking the pills
himself, maybe it's time to consider

that he was trying
to kill Grady.

Damn prima donna. Eason?

Yeah. You're starting tonight.
First base.

All right. There's one
more possibility.

If Izzy tested positive for amphetamines,
how long would he be suspended?

First offense,
30 games. Why?

What I need to do is
transition to first base,

but I got that drunk
moron ahead of me.

I gotta tell you, man, I would do anything
to get back into the big leagues.

Last night, you said, "Let's steal this guy's
pants and the investigation will be over."

Look, just for the record,

usually when I say that, it
turns out to be the case, okay?

I just need a little more time.
For what?

To prove that the drugs that killed
Grady were placed there by Cal.

I know. He's trying to get Izzy suspended
so that he could take his playing time.

Doesn't that suck?
The man used to be my idol.

You know what really sucks? Being
a classically trained tap dancer

and being forced to dance The Macarena in
front of a bunch of liquored up townies

while wear a flea-infested
Seabird suit.

Since when are you classically
trained in anything?

This is the last game that I'm doing, Shawn,
and if these folks want The Macarena,

they're fresh out of luck.

Say it ain't so, Cal.

What are you talking about?

Man, I believed in you.

You believed in me?

That's right, because I
believe in a lot of things.

I believe in fresh tennis balls,
the healing power of bunnies

and that the novels of Susan Sontag
are something I'll never read.

In fact, I don't even know
who Susan Sontag is.

What is she, like a painter?

I believe in Crystal Light
because I believe in me.

I believe in the movies of Val Kilmer,
though these days it ain't so easy.

I believe in Darren
Sproles, the word dabble,

the first season
of Silk Stalkings

and big, warm, moist, gooey, chocolate
chip cookies that melt in your mouth

and all over your face.


I believe that you secretly tried
to drug Izzy so that you could

steal his playing time,
you son of a bitch.

Oh, my.
That was a stupid speech.

Can you deny it?

Let me tell you
something, Shawn.

First of all, Izzy doesn't need any
help getting in trouble, okay?

Secondly, if I was cheating,
I wouldn't be stuck in A-ball.

Wow, you really
got a hold of that.

You suck!

It's called real dancing.

You suck!

Something just bit me.
Stop! Stop!

Get! Get! Get off!

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Let's have some good
at-bats out there!

Good at-bats out there!

Since when did you
chew tobacco?

I don't. This is all
pretzel, my friend.

Snyder's of Hanover.

You want a pinch of this?
No, I'm good.

Now batting,
number 35, Wilson Henze.

You have any updates for me?

Let's just say I'm zeroing
in on a suspect.

Good. Because I don't know how much
longer I can keep up this charade.

All season.

Turn your back, the GM of the
whole organization is coming.


Mel, I'd like a word.

Why isn't Izzy Jackson playing?

Manager's decision.

I mean, the guy shows up two
hours late to the park.

It's not the first time. He
has a major attitude problem.

I don't care. My scout's here,
so I want him playing.

Is that clear?


you're batting for Henze.

Batting for Henze.

Cal, you're moving
back to catcher.

Back behind the dish, Cal.


Oh, man, that guy gets
on my nerves.

Had it with him.

Now batting,
number 42, Izzy Jackson!

Next pitch is a curveball.
Doubt it.


How'd you know?

I have the gift.

How about the next pitch?

Ah, it's a slider.


Jackson, who's been hot lately, has
not had good luck against Holander.

There's a long drive.

Oh, that's going to carry.

Gone. It's a home run.

Thanks, towel boy.

All right, all right,
who wants a T-shirt?

Who? This guy?
Who wants it? Hey! Hey!

Hey, Seabird, you can't
dance for crap!

Dance with this, buddy.

Want some more?

Gus. Gus. Dude,

I think I know who
did it for real now.

Good. Then can you bust him so
we can get the hell out of here?

First, I need to
make an apology.

To who?
Hey, Ump! I need a time.


Hey! Hey,
you can't do that.

Oh, this can't be good.

This is something you rarely see, the pitcher
is getting a visit from the hitting coach.

What the hell are you doing?

Cal, damn it, man,
I'm so sorry.

I was wrong to accuse you of
trying to sabotage Izzy.

The whole time,
it's been Ricky.

And he's trying to get Izzy back
for sleeping with his wife.

Ricky isn't married.

Yeah. You sure about that?

He was awfully lovey dovey at the bar
the other night with that smoking hot,

filthy, slutty blonde
in the red.

Hey, that's my wife.

Look, Rodriguez, I need you to focus
on pitching strikes out here, okay?

What's going on?
Ricky's sleeping with my wife.

And Izzy, too, possibly. That's
an issue for another time.

She told me she was going to the
movies with your wife the other night.

That's what Lilly told me. So if she wasn't
at the movies either, where was she?

You guys really get around.
Oh, man.

This has got to be the weirdest
mound meeting I have ever seen.

Good talk. Come on,
Rodriguez, come on.

We're all good, Mel.

Looks like we're ready to get back to the
action here with the Seabirds up 2-0

in the top of the sixth.

He throws the ball
at Izzy Jackson.

No. You come back here.

Well, in all my years, this is a first.
A bench-clearing brawl

consisting of one team.

Gus, what...

Everybody, calm down! There's no reason to fight.
There's no reason to fight.

You think this is Shawn's doing?
No doubt.

Break it up.

I'm too old for this crap.

Fight, fight, fight!

I guess now's not the best time
to talk about me pinch hitting.

That, men, was
a total disgrace.

Total disgrace.

Only a bunch of damn idiots fight
on the field with their own men.

Bunch of damn idiots.
Will you stop that?


There's going to be some major
changes around here, do you hear me?

Izzy, where do you think
you're going?

I'm out. It's Friday night.

Hey, I had enough...
Get back over there.

Damn it, I said get back here.

All right, guys, listen, about
the changes Mel referred to,

I will be hitting
third tomorrow. On...

Where is he?
Where is he?

Yeah, this ain't over,
Cahoon. Come on.

Where's Mel?
He just went after Izzy.

Thanks. By the way, I don't know
who you are but you're fired.

I'm your new hitting coach. No,
this is the new hitting coach.

That's Wade Boggs.
Oh, my God.

Gus, Gus, stop it.

Wade Boggs is here.

Do you have any idea what
this man has accomplished?

For 17 seasons, he ate chicken
before every single game.

I also won five batting titles
and was a 12-time all-star.

Grilled or crispy?
Very funny.

No, no, Gus never kids
around about food. Nope.

Mostly crispy.
Wow. That's impressive.

See what I'm saying?

Can we go already?

Yeah, just as soon as
we apologize to Mel.

You mean after you apologize.

Dude, check it out,
I stole Wade Boggs's belt.

Because he's Wade Boggs.

Poor Izzy.

You guys really believe
I hit Izzy Jackson

over the head with a
baseball bat and killed him?

Well, we've got 10 of your
players that have gone on record

saying that you had
it out for the guy.

And you were seen running after
him minutes before his death.

I wanted to give him
a piece of my mind.

I'll admit that.
But I never found him.

Hey, you guys gotta believe me.

We don't.

I believe him. I mean, why would he
hire us to investigate his players

and then kill one the next day?

Throw us off the trail.
I agree.

You'd say anything to keep from
wearing that Seabird suit again.

I cannot deny that.

It does make sense, Shawn.
He wants Izzy off the team.

What does he do? He tries to get
him to test positive for drugs.

And that doesn't work,
so he snaps and kills him.

Come on, you know how many jerks Mel's
coached over the last 30 years?

He didn't kill any of them.
This is a reach.

Really? Then why did we find a bag full of
amphetamines in his apartment this morning?


I'm sorry, Shawn.

I can't believe it.

Hey, Dad, Mel bat
lefty or righty?

Righty, why?

Yes. Izzy was hit
from behind on the left.

Now you tell me how a right-handed
hitter could have done that?

Easily. Swinging

Are you kidding me right now?

It's like you want
Mel to be guilty.

Come on, let's go talk to
Woody. Mel needs your help.

Oh, yeah, he needs my help now. Why
didn't he call me in the first place?

Oh, my God, this is about him
hiring me instead of you.

I have been a season ticket
holder for 20 years, Shawn.

Oh, he'll call me up when he
needs a speeding ticket fixed,

but call me for real
investigative work? Nah.

Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you sound?

Yes, I do, now that
I've said it out loud.

So, I've put together a
demonstration for you guys,

but I'm going to need
a volunteer first.

I have to warn you,

it involves me whacking you in
the head with this baseball bat.

No takers. Well, thank God, I
packed a watermelon for lunch.


Woody, how is watching you hit a
watermelon going to help us with the case?

Well, Gus, first of all,
watermelon is high in vitamin C,

which is good for the brain.
That's true.

And secondly, it will support Shawn's claim
that Mel didn't kill this young man.

As you can see, excuse me, Gus,

the fracture on Izzy's skull
is nearly four inches,

which means that somebody
clubbed him hard.

Harder than a 60-year-old man swinging
back-handed would be capable of.

Correct. And that will be clear once I
do exactly that to one of your heads.

I mean, this melon.

And keep in mind
I am well south of 60.

I'm no slouch
at the plate myself.

I was all-coroners' league for three seasons.
Played the hot coroner.

I also embalmed Sparky
Anderson. One of my thrills.

Woody, can we just get on with it?
Of course.

Okay, batter up.
Here we go.

Yeah, I'm going to state the obvious here.
This is a complete waste of time.

I agree. Mel did it, plain and simple. He's
the only one with the motivation to kill him.

You can do this, Woody.
Here we go.

Nailed it.

First of all, Izzy doesn't need
any help getting into trouble.

We, as an
organization, are devastated

over the death of Izzy Jackson.

Our hearts go out to him
and his family.

Excuse me, Mr. Spencer,

I've been given instructions not
to let you on the premises.

Cheryl, I only need a minute
to get the rest of my things.

You got one minute.
You're a good woman.

What things? What the
hell are we doing here?

Gus, the bat that
killed Izzy was 35 inches.

The only player on the team
that uses that size was Cal.

So you think he killed him?
No, of course not.

I'm sure he has a logical
explanation for all this.

Hey, where's Cal?

Gone. His locker was
cleared out when I got in.

Where you headed, Cal?

Where do you think
I'm headed, Shawn?

Oh, I don't know,
Canada, maybe.

Some other lawless country where the
authorities won't be able to catch up to you.

So I see I've gone from being your
idol back to cold-blooded killer?

Just like OJ and Jamie Farr.

Jamie Farr never
killed anyone, Shawn.

You're so naive.

All right,

this is where I'm headed.


Oakland, Oakland?
They called me this morning.

You're going back to the show?

And we're back.

Cal! Wait a minute,

why weren't you in the locker
room when Izzy was killed?

I was having my knees iced by the
trainer and yes, he can confirm that.

Oh, I will never doubt you
again. Damn it, Cal!

Oh! I wish that was true!

Oh! I'm so proud of you, man. I'm just so
proud of you for playing your way back.

Yeah, well, it has nothing to
do with the way I play, Shawn.

I was the cheapest option.

Nowadays, it's all about
the money, Shawn.

You take care.


Hey, buddy.
Shawn, where are you?

And why do you sound muffled?

Must be coming down with something, buddy.
I'll call you later.

Wait, Shawn!

What's happening, baby?
Afternoon, Mr. Guster.

Oh, you hear about Pluto?

That's it.


There's been a break-in
in the main office.

Hey! Come back here! Stop!

Look out!

Here comes the pain!

Shawn, where are you
and where is my car?

I'll explain it all when I see you.
I'm only a couple minutes away.

What are you doing?

Driving around for a bit to make
sure no one was following me.

Your left blinker is out,
by the way.

Get this, I have some good news and
some bad news and some good news.

Here's the good.
I know who killed Izzy.

What was the bad?

The killer may know
I'm onto him.

And what was the other good?

He may think that
me is actually you.

What? How is that good news?

I meant good for me.

Hello. Gus?

You still there or what?

I know you think
that I know stuff,

but I can assure
you that I don't.

In fact, if you promise
not to shoot,

I can take you to the guy
who really knows stuff

and then you can shoot him.

In fact, I may even help you.

Come with me.

Come on, man! I don't know
anything about this.

I'd be happy to bring
you up to speed.

You're right, Gus, this suit does have fleas.
It's very unpleasant.

You were the one who
broke into our offices.

Indeed, I was. And while I was there, I
did some pretty interesting reading.

Gus, did you know that Neil here is
the youngest GM in team history?

And that his first big move
was signing Izzy Jackson

to one of the richest
rookie contracts ever

to the tune of
$12 million dollars?

Yeah, that's pretty bold.

I believe in taking risks.

Yeah, you do. But this one hasn't quite
worked out for you, has it, Neil?

You see, Izzy's immature and, worst
of all, he can't hit a curveball.

Which is a problem that
simply doesn't go away.

Now luckily, most of the
money was to be paid out

after Izzy's
promoted to the big leagues.

Certainly you weren't stupid enough to
guarantee that promotion after 60 games.

No, wait, you were.

If I didn't offer him that,
another team would have.

Yeah, if the team shelled out $10
million more dollars to that stiff,

you knew your career would be toast.
So what did you do?

First, tried to rig it so Izzy would fail
the drug test. And that didn't work.

Then you tried to trade
him to anybody.

Even the Pirates
weren't interested.

I guess just injuring him
would have been, what? Too...

Too Tonya Harding-ish
for you?

So you took the ultimate step.
You killed him.

I deserve to say that, Gus.

Did you hear all the
pipe I laid to get that?

And you were going to pin it all on a
guy who managed the team for 30 years.

I dreamt of being a GM my entire life and I
wasn't going to let Izzy Jackson ruin it.


Come on, Neil, you'll never get away
with this, man. You're not a killer.

You were already spotted
breaking into my office.

I'll explain that I acted
in self-defense.

Nobody's going to buy that.

My alibi should be the least
of your concerns right now.

Drop it, Neil.

You're not going to shoot me.

Why aren't you in
Oakland, Eason?

I was gearing up for the game and
something just kept eating at me.

Mel couldn't have hit Izzy
because he bats right-handed.

Came back on a hunch.
Turns out I was right.

And all you brought
was a baseball bat.

I said it was a hunch.
Give me a break, huh?

Come on, Neil,
you're not a killer.

No, we already tried that.
We're about to die, Shawn.

Oh, no, we're not.
Wade Boggs is here.

What the hell? Whoa.

Get out of here, Wade.

Hey, you're the guy
who stole my belt.

Yes, sir, I am.

I can't shoot Wade Boggs.


Nice, Dad.

Wade Boggs, I'm a giant fan.

I am never coming back here.

Hey, Wade, when is Steve Garvey
getting in the hall of fame?

Fair question.
That's fair.

Now remember,
extend those arms, Shawn.

Keep that back elbow up.

The elbow's fine.

No, it isn't. Keep it up.

You know what, Dad? I think I'm going
to go with Wade Boggs on this one.

Why? He's been retired for
20 years. No offense.

All right, Shawn,
what's this all about?

Mel, great. Look, I'm going to
prove to you once and for all

that I have the skills
necessary for at least

one minor league
at-bat. You disagree,

all you gotta do is tell
me I'm not good enough,

I promise I'll never
bother you again.

Sounds like a deal.
"Sounds like a deal," he said.

You heard it.
All right, Rodriguez,

you bring me that soft stuff.

Bring it to me like soft bread.

Keep your head down, Shawn.

Elbow up.

I didn't quite get all that.

You're not good enough. Let's go,
Wade, we got a game to plan for.

Oh, come on, Mel.
Give me one more shot.

If it wasn't for me, you'd be
managing in the prison leagues.

I appreciate all your help.

So, is it true you once drank 64 beers
on a team flight to the West Coast?

That's something
I'm not proud of, Mel.

Besides, that number gets
distorted each and every year.


Let your old man
have a couple of cuts.

Man, you got an underhand setting
on that thing, Rodriguez?

Hey, how'd you know
it was Neil, by the way?

I didn't. I got to the
ballpark early for the game,

saw a guy pointing
a gun at you.

I'm so tired of that happening.

Why don't you try to swing without
your gut looking so large?

You know, I must say,

I've enjoyed working
this case with you.

Yeah, yeah, I guess it

brought us together
and whatnot.

Yeah. Yeah, baseball's
good that way.

Hey, what's my wife doing?

Wow. It's time that
dude got a new lady.


I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions tend
to psych you out in the end

I know, you know