Psych (2006–2014): Season 6, Episode 3 - This Episode Sucks - full transcript

Lassiter is approached by a beautiful woman who seems interested in him, and then she disappears. Shawn and Gus investigate a string of murders which appear to have been committed by a vampire. Lassy's new girlfriend seems mysterious.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
What's your poison?


Bad day in universe, huh?

They also run together.

Unless her corpse resurfaces in a ***.

Oh! Jack Daniels, rocks.

I'll have what he's having..

I hope you weren't saving
this stool for somebody else.

Do I know you?

Or do you think
I'm someone else?

To the night.

So what's your story, Carlton?

How do you know my name?

I asked you first.

Are you a prostitute?

Is that the vibe
I'm giving off?

I'm sorry, no. I'm just...
I don't know, just a little...


Yeah, maybe.
Just a little bit.

So you gonna tell me
about yourself or not?


Well, you already know my name.

I come here to unwind,
'cause my job can be intense.

I often dream
I'm Clint Eastwood.

Even in Bloodwork?

Mostly Heartbreak Ridge.

Please continue.

I am somewhat
recently divorced,

I believe there is little to
no room for interpretation

when it comes to
the United States constitution,

and I have an unusually
high threshold for pain.

That is a fairly
unusual necklace

and it shows off
your clavicle quite well.

For all eternity.

Your turn.

Okay. I'm about
as single as they come,

and I really like a man
with hair on his chest.

And as for Clint, I really
think it's Unforgiven.

Your eyes are swimmable.

Why is your job so intense?

How did you know my name?

Why don't you hold that
thought while I go freshen up?

We're gonna need more whiskey.

Maybe she's on the phone.
You ever think of that?

Maybe she's with a guy.

Hey! You blind, flat Stanley?


You've got to be kidding me.

Listen, Jules, just don't
beat yourself up.

You can't possibly be
expected to control

whether or not Gus and I,

surreptitiously follow
you after you get

a call during breakfast.

But, I specifically
told you not to follow.

She said farrow.

Farrow is not a word.

I said follow,
he knows I said follow.

I wasn't there but, farrow is
most definitely a word.

Thank you.

It means to birth
a calf or a litter of pigs.

Okay, fine. Why would
I tell Shawn not to birth

a calf or a litter of pigs?

I don't know.

What do you got?

Male, early 30s.

Now CSI is on their way,
but I'd say...

The girl, McNab.

What did you find out about
the girl I met last night?

Oh. I might need a little bit
more to go on, sir.

What do you need?
What more do you need?

I told you she's blonde

and pale and perfect
and beautiful and perfect.

So, get me a name and
get me an address,

and get me some aspirin.

Please tell me why
they're at my crime scene?

Lassie, it's not Jules' fault.

She told me not to follow her,

I thought she was telling me
not to be pregnant with swine.


Are you okay?

I haven't beat you
to a call in six years.

Of course I'm okay.

Why wouldn't I be okay?
I had to stop for gas.

All right,

let's see if we got a wallet?

Name of the deceased
is Hamilton Deane,

lives downtown,
about a hundred bucks in cash,

credit cards, AAA.
I'm going to roll him.

This abrasion on his neck?

That dude is awfully pale

abnormally pale.

Especially since
he's only been dead for...

Check the neck.
Check the wrists.

What's this?

Looks like our killer might
have left us a little present.

What a shame.

That is a very usual necklace

and it shows off
your clavicle quite well.

For all eternity.

Gus, no blood, puncture marks.

Abnormally pale!
What?! Do it.

- Okay.
- Do it.


Better yet,
let me do it. I'll do it.

Settle down.
You're not doing it.

I wish I had a bigger audience.

Do it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I must ask you to
brace yourselves.

What I'm about to expunge
is not for the faint of heart.

It is bold with a zesty,
salty finish.

What we're up against
here is no mere mortal.

I'm afraid this very well
may be the work of a vampire. mine!!

What are you thinking partner?

Actually I'm going to have
to go with Spencer on this one.

# I know you know,
that I'm not telling the truth #

# I know you know,
they just don't have any proof #

# embrace the deception,
learn how to bend #

# your worst inhibitions tend
to psych you out in the end #

You know you weren't
nearly this pumped

when you thought we were
chasing a werewolf.

I'm not trying to get
devoured by a hairy,

famished beast, Shawn,
but I will whip me some lithe,

wispy vampire ass.

All right,
and you wreak of garlic.

You look like Omar Epps
from Dracula 2000.

I'll take it.

You don't think it's odd

that Lassie jumped on
our vampire wagon?

You know I have long
since dreamt of Lassie

jumping onboard with
one of my nutty theories,

but now that he's
actually done it,

I don't know why I thought
it would be so cool,

it does feel odd.

It's like the roadrunner
stopping and saying,

"You know what, Wile E.?

You've earned this.
Blow me up."

You saying the coyote
has a first name?


It's not, O-S-C-A-R?

- That's Bologna.
- You're Bologna.

Necro Butcher!

Ryan Phillipe!

We're trying out pet names.
Yours is Bologna.

Can we get started please?

Of course.
For you, my lady.

- Aw, what is it?
- Small intestine of a ram.

Cause of death?

Pulmonary failure
or severe blood loss.

- Whichever came first.
- How severe?

His tank's just about on empty.

A bit of trivia, the human body
when drained of most

its blood will often
times stop working.

Note the puncture
wounds on the neck there

and on the wrists here and here.

Woody, in your
professional opinion,

is it possible that
this poor man

was the victim of
a vampire attack?

Don't dignify that
with a response.

Wasn't planning on it.

- Is it possible?
- Most likely, yes.

- Woody?!
- It's a given really.

All right people.
That's enough.

I think it's obvious
we're after a vampire

who's out there doing
stuff that vampires do.

So, get on this and
find me a lead.

Carlton, have you
lost your mind?

Where are you going?

I have a personal matter
to attend to, I'll catch up.

Since when do you have
personal matters?

Okay, my partner has
gone off the reservation.

I hope that you are
all very happy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to catch a murderer

and I'm fairly certain
that he or she is human.

Well, there goes my night.

This necklace look
familiar to you?

Hey, we used
to sell this piece.

Hey, no kidding?

I'm gonna need
a record of everyone

who's purchased this
thing in the last oh,

I don't know,
let's just say ever.

- Oh, man, that's not possible.
- Come again?

Well it's just this piece,
we only had a few of them,

and it was years ago.

How many years ago?

Three or four maybe.

We don't really keep
records of that kinda stuff.

I mean, look around.
We're not Zales or Jared's.

Okay, I don't suppose
that you would remember

who made these
purchases would you?

Dudes. Chicks.

No, no, not really, no.

Just forget it.

I should have known
a place called Bling Crosby

would be a dead end.
I mean, look at you.

Sorry, man.

That's a killer watch
you have though.

You want to sell it for
way less than it's worth?

This old thing just keeps
on ticking like the heart

of a wounded elephant
just grizzled and...

Why don't you hold that
thought while I go freshen up?

I'll be damned.

This is not funny, Shawn.

I'm the only sane person
working this case

and that makes my time
even more valuable.

Do you know have any
idea how long it took

me to find this
ridiculous place?

It doesn't have an address.

Hello, Shawn.

"I can't help being
a gorgeous fiend.

It's just the card I drew."

What in the hell
are you wearing?

We're on their turf Juliet.

We have to walk the walk
of a true night stalker.

- Night stalker?
- He's right. Look around,

you're the fish
out of water here.

Because they're all
pretending to be dead, Shawn.

Well, perhaps it is us
who pretend to be alive.

Greetings brother.
Three virgin slow gin fizzes.

Make 'em Bloody Marys

and whatever snack mix
you can whip up over there.

I will gladly serve
the two of you,

however the human is not
going to get a drink from me.

You have broken the
cardinal law by allowing

a day walker to enter our realm.

Okay, that's it.

Detective O'Hara, SBPD.
Let's try this again.

Whoa! Hey, okay,
slow it down there, Cagney.

Just a regular guy here, okay,

trying to make a dollar,
that's it.

I play up this whole
character thing

to get some money
out of these freaks.


Who's talking?
Count Chocula over here, please.

Count Chocula? You must be
out of your damn mind!

What did I tell you,

no one remembers Blacula

except for us
and Quentin Tarantino.

we're just wondering if...

if you think any of your
customers here are dangerous

or capable of
attacking someone and

sucking all of their blood out?

You're kidding, right?

Dude, this is
Santa Barbara, okay.

All the people here are like
fashionistas and slam poets.

I'm leaving now.

Oh, wait! I do have
one little piece of info

you might find interesting.

I got a call last week,
I believe on Wednesday,

and it was a customer
who was asking

if I would sell them a pint
of real blood. Weird.

Did you recognize the voice?

No, can't say I did.

You remember when they called?

Yes, as a matter fact,
it was at 1:30.

It was exactly
1:30 on Wednesday,

because I was watching Oprah

and it was right
in the middle of...

what's that this guy, Nate...


Berkus! Love that guy!

He was refurbishing
a Chippendale, amazing stuff.

Caller ID.

Would you like
to do the honors?

We're gonna need
to see that phone.

Marlowe Viccellio.

How did you find me?

Is something wrong?

You don't live alone.

No, it's me and three guys.

Have you ever dated,
thought about dating

or have any casual relations

with these
freeloading parasites?

No. Is this an interrogation?

Believe me, I wish it weren't.

Where's the necklace?

I don't understand.

"For all eternity."
The necklace.

Well, I didn't sleep in it.

Show it to me.

Okay, follow me.

I can't believe you're
already in my bedroom.

You want to tell me what
this is about, detective?

Okay, one more thing
and I promise

we'll be able to
laugh about this.

I need to know exactly
what happened

after you left last night.

I went out the bathroom window

and I ran across the street
and I sat in my car

and I watched you wait for me.

You got into a fight
with the bartender

and then you finished your drink

and you went to back and
eventually you went outside

and exchanged heated
words with a homeless man.

You looked really sad.

I just let you walk away.

Why would you do that?

I just...
it's been tough for me lately.

I just haven't had much luck.
I felt something.

So did I.

The only thing it compares
to is the rush of jubilation

I felt when I heard Chuck
Norris speak at an N.R.A.

convention in Aberdeen.

I was thirteen.

I just got scared.

I'm sorry.

Marlowe Viccellio!
This is the police!

Hold on, guys.
Don't touch anything yet.

Carlton, what's going on here?

Carlton, what exactly is going on here?

I suppose I do owe you
an explanation, partner.

I owe you two nothing
and you look like

a couple of ass hats in
those ridiculous costumes.

I'm dangerous in a sexy way.

More like a gay way.

Well, I'm straight-up iconic.

I wouldn't call
Count Chocula an icon.

I'm Blacula!

And you're going to be
under arrest you succubus.

Hold on.

There's is no way she could
have committed this murder,

she has an airtight alibi.

Carlton, somebody
called a vampire bar

asking to buy a lot of blood.

We traced the call,

and it came from
inside this house.

Can you explain that?

I have three roommates

and they're a quirky
group of guys,

so I wouldn't put
it past any of them

to do something like that.

You live with two dudes
and Mario Lopez.

Oh, but she doesn't have
carnal knowledge of any of them.

What's this airtight alibi?

Go ahead.
You can tell them the truth.

I was with Carlton in a bar

and snuck away to
my car to watch him,

because I was nervous about
the level of attraction

I immediately felt for him both
emotionally and physically.

No, seriously,
what's the alibi?

She recounted my every move
as I sat stoic at the bar.

There is no way she could have
been in two places at one time.

You realize by
corroborating her story?

Yes, O'Hara.
It means I'm her alibi.

And needless to say, I don't
believe in vampires.

You will when she bites you.

Because she doesn't love you
enough "not to condemn you."

You watch that
hairy eyeball Spencer,

this lady's been through

Marlowe, we're going
to need to talk

to each of your roommates and
find out who made that call.

Yeah, I understand.
It's Eddie, Jake and Lucien.

Where is the Lucien?

So, any food allergies
I should know about

before I dazzle you
with dinner?

Nuts, what kind of nuts?
All nuts?

Just filberts, check.

Lucien, our suspect,
is in the interrogation room.

Oh, oh. There will be dessert.

Dude, no dice, it needs to be
garlic to skin contact Shawn.

Are you sure
this water is holy?

Yes, I had Father Wesley
bless it over the phone.

- Over the phone.
- Yes.

I don't think it
works like that.

You don't know how
anything works, Shawn.

So, Lucien, where were you
between the hours of 10:00 pm

and 11:00 pm
on Wednesday night?

And the year 1540.


Take it, creature.

Guys, enough.

Man, I don't think
this is sliver.

- I paid for silver.
- Well, you got hosed.

Wow! You guys
are actually devolving.

Get back over here. Now!


Answer the question, Lucien.

I was working my shift
at King Putt Mini-Golf.

There was a late rush,

and I closed
the course that night.

Hold up.

Will King Putt honor an expired,

two for-one Groupon?
Yes or no.

Shawn, this is serious.

Listen, on the third hole,

I usually putt up
the right side,

bank through the
rubber bumpers,

but I still keep getting nailed
by the swinging mammaries.

Those aren't mammaries.

They're the bells on
the end of a Jester's cap.


Yes, it's putt-putt for kids.

Lucien, we'll need
to verify your alibi

with the management
at King Putt.

Fine, his name is Wayne.

I'm not buying this.
I can see your bedroom, man,

with the cracked mirror
and the kitty litter.

Give it up, shape shifter!

I don't have a bedroom.

I live in the tent out back.
You should be talking to Ed.

We've got the wrong roommate.

I know where we need to be.
We don't have much time.

Why are we at a blood bank?

Well, it's really common
for full fledged vampires

to wander the barrens,
you know, graveyards,

industrial wastelands.

Places of irreversible
urban blight.

The blood bank does
seem likely place

for the undead to
quench the hunger.

Five minutes,
and we are leaving.

There is just 0% chance
that I'm getting

caught up in this fantastical,
vampire nonsense.

So you're saying
there's a chance.

No, Shawn, I said 0%.

Edward has entered
the building.

What? Where?

It's a classic
shifting technique.

It's incognito
man-to-animal maneuver.

That's correct,
it's looks like we may be

dealing with an elder,
or even worse, a diablerie.

- No.
- Yes.

We're leaving.

- What?
- No.

Why did we come all
the way out here?

Edward is in the building.

To investigate,
he's wondering around.

God, I used to be a detective,
now I'm a babysitter.

That makes you Elisabeth Shue
and Gus is Keith Coogan.

- You're Coogan.
- You're Coogan.

Your momma's Coogan.

Hello, Edward.

Just act natural.
Never look a feline in eyes,

lest you want to be a...

Just stop it.

Here we go.

He is looking
right at you, Gus.

He is looking at Juliet.

No, he isn't.

Did I just see what
my brain is telling

my eyes that I just saw?

Was that a cape?

Okay, how did it get from
one end of the building

to the other in two seconds?

Blood products.

Detective, what have we got?

We had good reason
to believe our suspect

was here in the blood bank.

We entered and what we
saw was a hooded figure,

who appeared to move
with inexplicable speed,

as if it were a...

Mr. Spencer, if I may, what
we're looking at is someone

who is capable of vamp speed or
at present-space quantum leap.

Blacula gives
a shout out to Backula.

The truth is,
I don't know what we saw.

Here is the good news,
said suspect is in custody,

and in due time we'll be able
to stick the nails to him.

Let me say that Shawn
and Gus' opinion

does not reflect my own.

What suspect?

That's a feline.

That will drink
you like a juice box.

Don't be deceived.

That's a grown ass man
who feeds off the blood...

Gus, you must stop.

Look, I'm gonna tell the chief

that detective
O'Hara is in full,

undeterred control
of this investigation,

I'll spare the juicy details.

I'm getting something.

Shoot the glass.

Sounds good brother.


Uh-oh, where's Lassie?

I'm pretty sure he invited his

new girlfriend over for dinner.

If he invites a vampire
into his home

it's free to feed
on him at will.

We are the only
ones in the world

that can save him right now.

Let's go.

Hi, Carlton.

Mm, something smells delicious.

Well, I would like
to say it's the elk loin

I've been braising,
but I have a feeling that

intoxicating scent is you,

Would you like to come in?

I'd love to.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Come Lassie,
let the right ones in, buddy.

Unless you're already undead.

In which case would you
kindly impale yourself

with a wooden stake?

Spencer, Guster, go away!

Carlton, open the door!


Give us some sort of
signal that you're okay.

A cough or a thump of some kind.


Should I call for
the battering ram?


What the hell is
wrong with you people?

Can't you see I'm in
the throes of passion?

Contrary to public opinion,

I do not get this kind
of action every night!

Are you wearing garters?

No, you dullard, these are
standard, military issue.

They keep my shirt tucked tight
throughout the day.

We found this press on nail
at the Santa Barbara

blood bank which was
robbed earlier this evening.

Marlowe, you mind showing us
your mitts please?

This is just
a crazy coincidence.

These nails were made
popular by Jersey Shore.

Nice try, Queen of the Damned.

Jwoww does wear those nails
when they go out clubbing.

What? I'm not saying
I buy her story.

But Marlowe said
they're very common.

We certainly need
more evidence than this.

Okay, well then I'm
sure she won't have

a problem with us
searching her house.

Of course she won't.
She's nothing to hide, right?

- Uh-huh.
- That's right.

So let's go over there
and clear her good name.

Got anything?

Not yet.

Don't rush me Shawn,
I'm being thorough.

Uh-oh! I'm sensing something
cold and very unfortunate,

something icy like
Marlowe's aorta.

Spencer, this is
personal for me.

Either conduct
yourself like an adult,

or I will remove you from
these premises by force.

You're right,
that was insensitive.

I'm sorry, come on.
Let's hug it out.

I would rather learn
to play the harp.


This is nice.

Hello, plasma.

Okay, so I did take the blood.

But only because I'm
trying to make ends meet

and they pay really good money

on the black market for that.

But I promise
I didn't kill anybody.

I can't bear what you must
think of me right now.

But you have to believe me.

I can't.

- You're under arrest.
- What?

O'Hara, this case
is officially yours.

I'll be in my apartment
if you need me.

I trust you will not.

What are we supposed to do,

haul all this blood
back to the bank?

No, I think we should
just leave it here.

Would you relax, buddy?
Look, this stuff is locked

and loaded in these
thick rubber baggy...

Is he responsive at all?

No, nothing.

We even held a plate of bean

and cheese nachos
in front of his face.

How much blood was it,
exactly, Shawn?

Just a little stream,

it's not like it was
the end of Carrie,

or the beginning of Carrie.

Look, Jules, did you get
Marlowe to confess

to the murder or what?

No, but it's only a matter
of time before she cracks.

I just feel so bad
for Lassiter.

He seemed to really
care about this girl.

Oh, Shawn, hang on a second.

Sorry to interrupt,
but a man was just attacked

in the parking lot of Lox,

and Two Toasted Bagels,
over on Fletcher Street,

and the perpetrator attempted
to drain him of his blood.

He's at
St. Thomas of the Apostles.

Shawn, did you hear that?

Yes! Greatest name
for a bagel joint ever.

Plus, this means Lassie
is in love with a liar

and a blood thief,
but not a full-on murderer!

Slap Gus as hard as you can,
and meet me at the hospital.

Copy that.

All right dad.
I got this.


All right, listen up, buddy.

This hurts me way more
than it hurts you.


Welcome back, Guster.

Paging Dr. Bender.

Don't you dare.

He's clearly not
gonna eat it, Shawn.

And I'm hungry like a mug.

You're hungry like a what?

Okay, Ron, can you tell us
what happened tonight?


Okay, what happened?

A guy in a cape attacked me.

Did you get a good
look at his face?


Are you sure?


All right, well thanks, Ron.

You've been a huge help so far.

This is the chief,
I'm gonna take it outside.

You are unbelievable.

I haven't eaten
since breakfast.

Another man's sandwich.


Someone is lucky to be alive.

- Who?
- Well, you are son.

- O negative.
- Do what?

How did you know
his blood type?

It's a special gift
that I bust out in rare

occasions and
almost all the time.

Well, yes, Ron here
has one of the rarest

blood types there is.

How rare?

Extremely. In fact...

I've been looking
for a blood donor.

But, there are only
wrote two dozen people

in Santa Barbara who
have O negative blood.

The killer is after O negative.

I need a diversion.

Slip a disc
or start peeing yourself.

Doctor, my friend
has peed himself.

No, I slipped a disc.

Just breathe, young man.
It's probably just a spasm.

It hurts.

Gus, have some
respect for yourself.

Are you all right?

Yes, doctor,
I breathed into the spasm

and it loosened up nicely.

- Thanks doctor.
- Thank you.

Dude, one of the names on
the list is Adrian Viccellio.

I bet you that's
Marlowe's brother.

He has something called
Van Wilder's disease.

Von Willibrand's.
That's a rare blood disorder

that requires its patients
to have transfusions

on a regular basis.

It usually affects humans
and Doberman Pinschers.

That's oddly specific.

There are three types of VWD,

type two is divided
into four subtypes.

Shawn, I bet you anything
that our guy had

the worst type and
lost his insurance.

That's it, he's having
to steal the blood from

the few people that have
his rare blood type.

He probably swiped
the list of matching donors

during his last hospital stay.

Well, that's just conjecture.

It's all conjecture, Shawn.

That's all we're
doing right now.

All right, Ron, we are
gonna need a swab

your clothing
and both your fists.

Jules, Jules, it's Marlowe's
brother Adrian.

He has something called
Don Skarsgard's disease.

He needs a lot of rare
blood, O negative,

and he's having to steal it

because he doesn't
have insurance.

- Did you just say O negative?
- Yeah.

That's Carlton's blood type.
We got to go.

Carlton, please don't hang up.

I begged the police
for this call.

I had to call you to tell you

that you could
in some serious...

There is a cage, Marlowe...

a cage made of brawn and
steel that protects my heart.

I welcomed you
inside that cage,

I offer you a season
pass to the festival

of light that happens
in my chest cavity.

Festival? Like ComiCon?

You don't want it.

What's worse is
you never wanted it.

I do want it, but I need to
warn you that you could...

Now, I'm going to tell
you the same thing

I told my mother and
her new girlfriend

the day I left for the academy.

Why don't you both
just get in your car

and Thelma & Louise yourselves
right into the Pacific?

It was an ugly thing to say
and I wish I could take it back,

but I was confused.

I didn't want my mother
to be a lesbian at 53.

Eventually I came to
realize that Althea makes

her happy in a way
that dad never could.

Carlton, I need you to
focus and listen to me.

Spencer, go away.

Carlton, don't answer the door.

Hang on a second.

What, what, what?

- Is Tamara home?
- Who the hell is Tamara?

Carlton? Carlton?

You're that hooligan
from that awful haberdashery.

It's easier if you
don't talk, detective.

If you just close your eyes,
all of this nasty business

will be over before
you know it, I promise.

Marlowe and her brother
both robbed the blood bank.

We were actually seeing
two people!

So, you see, there is
a rational explanation

for everything, Shawn.

There is no rational

explanation for anything,
until we see the other roommate

and that black cat together
in the same place

at the same time!

I took the liberty
of hanging up on my big sis.

She's pretty upset.

- Marlowe is your sister?
- You didn't know?

I figured she would have
told you, seeing how she's all

sweet on you.

She is?
All right, listen.

You're not going to get away
with this, and your sister...

You're one tough son of a bitch,

and I'm happy for Marlowe.

She's been sacrificing

and taking care of me forever,
and she deserves...

a nice guy who will take care
of her, you know?

I can't really do that
if I'm dead now, can I?

- Just make one smart move...
- I'm not going to kill you.

Nobody was ever supposed to die.

That first guy was alive
when I left him, I swear it.

I wouldn't even be here, see,

except I can only assault
innocent blood donors

when I have my strength
and right now I'm freshly

transfused or...was.

That guy on the list
ahead of you

kicked my ass earlier tonight.

You can say that again.

And in a couple of days,
I'm gonna be clinging

onto life again.

So, here we are,
desperate times

call for blah, blah, blah.

The dude is a real-life
vampire, babe!

I'm not conceding the fact

that vampires don't exist,
and you know you guys could

at least pretend to be a little
bit concerned about Carlton.

Hey, whatever the situation
may be, I'm sure Lassie

is firmly in control.
Danger is his middle name.

I for one, am less optimistic.

You know if you're sick,
we can get you some help.

This is insane.

See, the insurance darlings
no longer feel any

responsibility to help out.

I am a liability, you see.

Think about Marlowe,
and she's an accomplice.

She'll do hard time.

She never laid a finger
on anyone.

You were her first mark,

and we both know how that went.
So she stole some blood.

Big deal.
She did it to save a life.

And that's what it's there for,
isn't it?

Well, isn't it?
No more talking.

Are you okay in there?

Gus, quick...give me
your credit card.

Jules, kick the door in.

- What!
- Carlton! Open the door!

- Are you okay?
- Never better. We need to get

this young man to the hospital,
then the station.

It's possibly in that order,
I'm not entirely sure.

- Oh! What happened here?
- Chloroform, sneak attack.

Unbeknownst to my assailant,
I've slowly

and methodically been building
up a tolerance to chloroform

over the last 15 years.

Dear God, why?

For a night like this, Spencer.

I don't believe it.

It must have been some other
kind of chemical.

Oh, great, now we have

to carry two guys out of here.

I mean, look at him.

He really wore his heart on his
sleeve through all of this,

I mean he's obviously hurting,
and I just think it would be

nice if he knew that we were all
here for him.

- What would you have us do?
- Seriously.

Well, go talk to him.
Give him some encouragement,

let him know there are plenty
of fish in the sea.

- Rock, paper, scissors?
- Fine.

- What is that?
- Spider.

Crap on a cracker.

There is no spider.

There was no spider.
Now he's here, and he's hairy,

and he's venomous
and he is unbeatable.

The other three are all
inanimate objects, Shawn.

A spider can't bite
a pair of scissors.

Yeah, he's right,
scissors clearly have

the advantage and well,
rock crushes spider.

Oh but I suppose spider
crawls on paper?

Go on.

Hey, Lassie.


I just wanted to say,
you know that the sea is vast

and filled with many strange
creatures and corals.

Mostly divorced corals,
probably with a bunch of kids,

and they're just looking
for any old crustacean

- with a steady income so...
- Sorry, Spencer.

No time for your empty,
bone-headed musings.

I'm late for an appointment.

Transport detail,
report to inmate reception.

Transport detail,
report to inmate reception.

I wasn't sure you'd come.

- I am a man of my word.
- I'm so sorry. I wish I...

Look, you did what you
thought you had to do.

If there's an upside to any
of this, it's that your brother

will finally get the care
he needs

now that he's gonna
be in the system

for a long, long, long time.

Can I ask you something?

- Anything.
- Where would you rate

Pink Cadillac
in Eastwood canon?

Not very high I'm afraid.

I mean I suppose it's a good
companion piece

to City Heat but he's much
funnier with the orangutan.