Psych (2006–2014): Season 5, Episode 8 - Shawn 2.0 - full transcript

Yes!

Uh-huh uh-huh

I cannot be defeated.

Who else wants some?

I do.

Why can't I ever beat him?

'Cause you got no game, Gus.

I'd stick to tapping.
Ball up.

All right, Shawn,
first one to 11 wins.

How much are you spotting me?

Nothing.
Winners don't need spots.



- You know what they need?
- Steroids.

Nobody's using that stuff, Gus.

That's just a rumor.

I'll tell you what they need,
Shawn.

They need to believe that they
can be victorious

no matter how tough
the challenge.

Now...

Start believing.

Get that weak-ass crap
out of my face!

This is my house!

Technically, it's the bank's.

You're never gonna
improve in life

if you keep competing
with people who stink.

No offense, Gus.
None taken.



You've got
to challenge yourself.

If you don't,
complacency sets in.

And bad things happen
when we become complacent.

"If you tell anyone
my secret, Eden,

"my career will be over.

We will be over," said Chase.

Eden replied, "I'd die before
I'd tell anyone

you're a shapeshifter,
doctor."

If only Eden knew how prophetic
those words would be.

End of disc five

of Internity.

Look, there's a reason those
books have sold

almost 30 million copies, Gus.

Mostly to teenage girls.

And adult males who enjoy
reading stories

about vampire doctors and their
dysfunctional dating lives.

- You're one to talk,

Mr. "I bought win a date
with Tad Hamilton on DVD."

There were 15 deleted scenes,
Shawn.

15.

You said you were going
to the office last night

to catch up on work.

Which I did, then I saw
those beers in the fridge.

Our fridge doesn't work.

- Yes, but 7-11's does.

It is there that I saw the
Internity audiobooks for sale

and decided that the paperwork
would have to wait.

Hey, how'd your date go
with that chick

who spells her name weird?

- Her name is Kim
and she spells it k-i-m.

Which is just obnoxious.

It's like if I was "Shawn"
with three Ss.

You're just jealous
'cause I'm in a relationship.

Please.
You've known her for six days.

Which have been pure magic.

You know when you just know?

Great.
You guys.

Well, good morning
to you too, Minka.

Gus will have his usual.

Six chocolate chip muffins
and a chocolate milk.

- Extra chocolate-y.

I'll take down a baked good
that I will

be choosing momentarily
and a latte

that your fine establishment
will be paying for

once I nail the trivia question
that you put on that board

just like I do every morning.

Oh, except this one.

I'm afraid your confidence
reeks falser

than your boyfriend's I.D.,

which, FYI, I saw taped
to the counter at 7-11.

Good luck to you.

Wait till you get a chance

to meet Kim at the wedding
on Saturday.

You are going to love her.

If you think that I'm gonna
be a third wheel

to you and Kim with one "I,"
then you're nuts.

I'm bringing my own date.
Who?

- I'll give you a hint.
It rhymes with "goo-liet."

Juliet?

You nailed it
on the first guess.

That's tight.
When did you ask her?

I haven't yet.
I'm not worried.

It's a lock
she'll say, "yes."

How do you know?

"A," she has
no plans that night.

"B," there's always been
a sort of unspoken,

sometimes spoken thing
between the two of us.

And, four, I happen to know
she loves spontaneity.

You know why?
Because I can read women.

And she used to have that
on her Facebook page.

Which I read.

Eh, I think it's time
to roll the dice.

Order's ready.

And so is today's question.

"How many times is the 'f' bomb

used in the usual suspects?"

Whoo!
Minka.

Taking things up a notch.

That might actually require
a sip of coffee.

Ah! Ah!
No googling.

Don't insult my intelligence.

Shawn?

Ahem.
97.

Actually, I believe it's 98.

Fenster dropped one after
that lineup scene.

Often gets mistaken
for the word "gug,"

which isn't even a word.

But let's be honest.
It should be.

What's happening right here?

He's right.
It's 98.

What?

What can I get you?

It's on the house.

Oh, I'm actually good.

I just came in to use
your recycling bin.

Who the "gug" is that guy?

That'll be $14.95.

I'm still annoyed, Gus.

Who cares about the question?

I can't believe we're working
on the lord's day.

And Sunday, for that matter.

Sunday is the lord's day,
Shawn.

Lassie, I didn't know you were
playing golf today.

I wasn't.

Jules, what do we got?

- Lucy Friedman,
70-year-old female

found dead on her blanket after
the philharmonic last night,

but she wasn't discovered
until this morning.

We don't know the cause yet.

I do.
Redom.

I love the philharmonic.

Oh, me too.
I'm just kidding.

Not.

- Stop trying
to single-handedly

bring "not" back into vogue.

Okay.
Not.

I'm also gonna bring back
"said the liar."

- That one is even dumber.
- Said the liar.

There's no visible marks
or signs of a struggle.

Doesn't look like
foul play to me.

Oh, whoa, Lassie.
The psychic gods disagree.

I'm sensing that there
is a direct link

between this poor woman's death

and the deaths
of a Peter Hodges

and a Veronica Miller
earlier this week.

And what link would that be?

All three died within
close proximity

of an aerosol can.

All right, who are you?

And why do you keep
stealing my moments?

I'm sorry.
Declan Rand, criminal profiler.

Right.

Chief Vick said you'd
be stopping by.

I'm Detective Carlton Lassiter.

This is my partner
Juliet O'Hara and...Eh.

Criminal profiler, huh?

Sounds like one
of those job titles

that only exists
in cheesy tv shows.

No argument here.

What is it that you do?

I'm a psychic Detective.

You know what?

He's right about
the aerosol cans.

Hodges died holding a thing
of vinyl protectant

and Miller was found within feet
of a can of hairspray.

So you're saying this is
a serial killer?

Well, the consistencies
at each scene

combined with the close timing
of the deaths

certainly makes it
a possibility.

Definitely recommend checking
the contents of those cans.

I'm gonna make a call.

- Thanks for the tip.
- Oh, no.

It's my pleasure, Detective.

Wow.

Why don't I like this guy?
I don't know.

Maybe 'cause he keeps
stealing your thunder.

Because his name is "Declan."

Don't you find that
utterly ridiculous?

No.

That's because
your name's "Burton."

Can we get out of here?

Not until I ask Jules
to be my date to the wedding.

- Now is not the time.
- Why not?

Well, for starters,
there's a dead body

ten yards away.

- Don't be so old-fashioned.

Jules?

May I have a word?

Yeah, what's up?

Well, uh...

I know this is totally
short notice,

but I was wondering if, uh, uh,

you'd like to be my date to
a friend's wedding on Saturday?

Are you asking me out next
to a dead person?

- Told you.
- Yes.

But I thought it would be okay,
since it doesn't really smell.

Saturday?

Uh, I would love to...
Fantastic.

But I literally just made
plans with someone else.

What?
Who?

Oh, come on.

- But if I had known...
- No.

That's fine.

O'Hara, need you over here!

Okay, um, well, we should talk
about this later, yeah?

Yes, later.

Hmm.

Really don't like the cut
of that guy's jib, Gus.

Something about him.
What is it?

Let see.
He's smart.

Knowledgeable of film.

Crime-solving machine.

He's Shawn 2.0.

In between the lines

there's a lot of obscurity

I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity

if it's all right

then you're all wrong

but why bounce around
to the same damn song?

you'd rather run
but you can't crawl

I know you know

that I'm not
telling the truth

I know you know

they just don't have
any proof

embrace the deception

learn how to bend

your worst inhibition's

gonna psych you out
in the end

I don't understand
why you're giving Declan

all the credit for coming up
with the fact

that there was poison
in those cans

when you know I had
the exact same take.

So why didn't you say anything?

Because he beat me
to the punch, Gus.

Just like with Juliet
and the trivia question.

- You're a big, fat person.
- No, I'm not.

I know.

I was trying to get you back
for making me feel bad.

- Shawn, hey.
- Hey, Jules!

Why are you talking like that?

- Sometimes he over-enunciates
when he gets uncomfortable.

I do not.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Um, listen, about yesterday,

you know,
I was thinking about it

and I barely know Declan.

I will reschedule with him
if you really need a date

to this wedding.

No, no, Jules,
I don't need a date.

I only asked you that
'cause I thought you might

be looking for something
to do this weekend, you know?

Finding another date will be
no problem, trust me.

Oh, good.

I'm glad.
Yeah.

Did you hear that?

Every ill-conceived word.

Now I have to find
a date to this thing.

Yeah, you do.

Okay, listen up.

If you haven't heard already,

we have a potential
serial killer on the loose

who has poisoned three victims
within five days.

Now, your department heads
will brief you

on the specifics, but what
you need to know right now

is that every officer here
is on this case.

All precinct resources will
be made available to you,

including outside consultants.

Specifically we'll
be bringing in psych

because of their experience
working with serial killers.

- We help them write and produce
one-act plays on the weekends.

They're usually very dark.

We're also hiring Declan Rand.

Hello.

- Highly-trained
criminal profiler

who also brought us our first
big break in the case.

You've got to be kidding me.

He's gonna share with us his
initial profile of the suspect.

We will not have another serial
killer loose on our streets.

Thank you.
Thank you, Karen.

Now, each of the victims
was killed by hemlock,

a poison that in addition
to being a lot of fun to say...

don't take my word for it.
Come on.

Hemlock.

Works by slowing shutting down
the immune system,

creating an almost
peaceful death.

Hemlock.

And given that the victims
were all over the age of 60

and suffering from
major illnesses,

I believe our killer could have
euthanistic intentions.

You mean like mercy killings?

Exactly and it's my estimation

they were committed by
a female in her mid-30s

most likely suffering from an
overwhelming compassionate side.

- I know who it is.
- Who?

Alicia Silverstone.

By the way, Declan,
her first role

was in the movie the Crush.

Actually, that was her
second role.

She first did an uncredited
appearance in the Wonder Years.

N...

She did.
He's right.

He's good.
Hemlock.

Okay, now that we've got
that all cleared up,

let's go out there
and get this guy...Or girl.

What are you doing, Shawn?

First, you hire
two geriatric cops.

Fine.
Now you bring in this

hacky profiler with
the world's worst name

and the most impossibly
dark eye lashes

on any man ever.
Hemlock.

Stop it.

When are you gonna realize
that Gus and I

are all you need?

All right, first of all,
I agree about the name,

but this guy is not
a hack, Shawn.

I have got glowing
recommendations

from two different
chiefs of police.

Check out his resume.

He has a masters in psychology
and criminology from Harvard

and an MBA?
Get out of here.

He's got a monkey
basketball league?

Shawn, this guy is good.

I hope you're up
to the challenge.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, come on, kid.

Let's face it.
You've been sloppy lately.

You're showing up at crime
scenes after a late night out.

Or in.

And you mailed in the last
case I gave you, literally.

My email was down.

Besides, I was right, wasn't I?

It doesn't matter.

How does that not matter?

The point is, if you
want to hang with this guy,

you're gonna have
to up your game.

Please.

Declan Rand can't touch my game.
You know why?

Because it's on fire
and it's covered

with those little things
that porcupines have.

Quills.

You watch while I smoke
this arrogant fool.

Hey, guys, I just wanted to say

I am blown away
by the numbers of cases

you've solved over the years.

I just looked it up.

It's an honor and a pleasure
to be working with both of you.

Someone likes themselves.

Thanks, Declan.

Yeah, man, I got to be honest.

I'm just not a big believer
in the ability

to psychologically profile
a complete stranger.

Well, I respect that,
but I do it successfully

all the time.

Really?

Try me.

I'd really prefer not to.

Because you can't.

- Well, the truth is I...
- You're not able.

You're highly intelligent,
but you're shameful

of that fact,
so you play it down

with the use
of inappropriate behavior,

and you live in fear
of showing weakness

so you hide behind a constant
barrage of jokes and sarcasm.

I agree.

Not.
Said the liar.

Not sure those two go together.

"Said the liar"
cancels "not" out.

So does your face.

What else?

I've noticed you overly
enunciate words at times,

which I suspect is some
kind of nervous reaction

to confrontation
or awkwardness.

Yeah.
Couldn't be further off.

Well, I tried.

Take care.

He wasn't off.

I know.

As you can see, we have
the body of our victim

from the park right here.

And right here we have
Ms. Miller and Mr. Hodges.

What about that one?

Oh, that's a photo my
15-year-old daughter's taken

for her photography class.

Is that dead person you?

Very observant.
Yes.

It's amazing what just a...
really...

a little ketchup
and baby powder can do.

Anyway, I think that I agree
with Declan's theory

that these are all mercy
killings.

What?
Look, Woody,

we're just looking
for the facts here.

Since when?

You see, each of these victims

was suffering from
a life-threatening disease.

Cirrhosis and advanced
hepatitis, respectively,

and Mrs. Friedman here was
suffering from Wilson's disease.

Wilson's disease?

"Your patient dying
of Wilson's disease

is going to get a liver
from the donor list,"

exclaimed Chase.

Eden was ecstatic.

"But if I do the surgery,
the blood loss

"will be enormous,
because I will most likely

drink half of it."

Eden was in a bind.

Yeah, she was.

You are never allowed to mock me

for listening
to those books again.

I'm getting something.

What is it?

Those were not mercy killings.

I don't know what
in Sam's hell this has to do

with a transplant list,
but I'm fairly certain

it's a waste of time.

I say we trust Shawn's
instincts on this one.

Said the liar.

He was supporting you.

Really?
I jumped the gun.

Excuse me, Detective?

I believe this is what you
were asking for.

It's a list of all
of the people in the area

waiting for a liver transplant.

- Oh, crap.
- What?

Look at the first three names.

Peter Hodges, Veronica Miller,
Lucy Friedman.

Someone could
be killing people off

to move up the list.

Exactly.

Nice try though, buddy.

Hmm.

Just out of curiosity,
who's the next person in line?

Catherine Bicks.

- Age?
- 35.

She totally matches
your profile.

Well done, Declan.

"Well done, Declan"?

Since when do you use
first names?

We need to track
this girl down.

Hey, I'm the one that came up
with the list thing.

Good work, Shawn.

Shut up, Declan.

Krista, hey.
Shawn Spencer here.

Yes, I am the one that took you
to that Dodgers game.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back up.

I did not run onto the field.

I merely took a few steps
to follow a foul ball.

Ended up in center field after
it ricocheted off a divider

where I proceeded to make like
Billy "White Shoes" Johnson.

I realize that reference
is lost on you.

What are you doing on Saturday?

Hello?

Please tell me you did not
sleep here again last night.

Nope.

Got here half an hour ago
to get stuff done.

What?

Tried to make some Joe,
but our coffee maker's busted.

We don't have a coffee maker.

What was I fiddling with
for the last half hour?

What is all that?

This?
This right here?

This is research I dug up
on all the people

that make up
the transplant list.

Hmm.

I got to say, Shawn,
this is pretty impressive.

Mm-hmm.

I guess your dad should
hire ringers more often.

Trust me on this.

Declan is no ringer.

Once I've proved that the killer
is someone on this list

not named Catherine Bicks,
everyone,

including Juliet,
will realize that.

Okay, I get it.

So you figure if you can win
this case,

then you'll win Juliet.

No, but if making Declan
look sucky

somehow diminishes his appeal
in Juliet's eyes, I'll take it.

Look, Gus, this isn't personal.

You do realize everything
you just said

is the definition
of "personal," right?

Not.

Hello, dad.

Catherine Bicks was spotted
entering her house

about an hour ago.

You two have to get
over there immediately.

Shawn?

Are you listening to me?

My humidifier looks
nothing like a coffee maker.

I'll buy you a new one.

To Catherine, she was
justified in killing

the people ahead of her
on that list

because unlike them, she has
entire life ahead of her.

We call it sociopathic
rationalization.

Ugh, I find that
stuff fascinating.

- Me too.
- Don't say, "not."

None of those stupid expressions
are coming back.

That's what they said about
hammer pants.

Which never came back.

Then why did I just
buy three pair?

- Because you're an idiot.
- Because it's hammer time.

It's never hammer time, Shawn.

Dare you to tell hammer that.

Can I help you?

Catherine Bicks,
we'd like to ask you

a few questions about a recent
string of murders in this area.

Wow.

Okay, come on in.

I'm not a suspect, am I?

I don't know.
Should you be?

Listen, I don't know what's
going on here, but I...

Ma'am, please keep your hands
where I can see them.

No, I just need to grab...

Put your hands in the air now!

Catherine, hi.

I'm sensing that you recently
spent some time

in Switzerland.
Is that correct?

Yeah.

I was visiting my liver
specialist there.

- Mm-hmm.
Good two weeks or so?

2 1/2.

You can prove that?

My passport's in my purse.

That's what I was reaching
for before he pulled

this giant gun out at me.

It's stamped.

Catherine, I am so sorry.

Um, you have yourself
a great day, okay?

Oops.

You play softball?

I play.

Feels fun.

This is probably
a weird time to ask,

but do you have plans
on Saturday?

Are you sure we don't want
to ask her more questions?

She was a precise match
in my profile.

Your profile can kiss my big,
round, white dumper, Declan.

I do not enjoy pointing
my gun at innocent women.

- You don't?
- No.

I'm not 29 anymore.

It was a good effort, deck.

I guess we should check
the next person

on the transplant list.

Yeah, that is
a Leonard Jimenez.

He lives at 19 Willow Street.
That's 10 minutes from here.

Let's go.

Gus and I will meet you there.

Why the hell are we at a hotel?

Because Leonard Jimenez died
of liver cancer three days ago.

I learned that in my research
this morning.

So why didn't you tell that
to Lassiter and Juliet?

Must have slipped my mind, Gus.

Look, in the hour or so it takes
them to put it together,

I figure we'll bust
the next person on the list,

who I know is the real killer,

and Declan can't swoop
in and steal my thunder

like the little
thunder-stealer he is.

You are an unbelievable person.

Who's the next person
on this list?

That guy.

Everyone here has
a handful of stories

about old Fitzy.

I know I have about
three handfuls,

which doesn't make any sense.

Fitz looks scary, Gus.

That doesn't mean
he's guilty, Shawn.

- You looking at him?
- Yes.

Pure evil.

Strong enough to overwhelm
any one of our victims.

Plus, he has an arrest record
and we've gone on far less.

Well, how do you plan
on apprehending him?

It's not like we have guns.

No, but I have this.

What are you gonna do?
Check his reflexes?

- It was the only weapon-like
thing you had in the car.

Well, you better do something,

'cause we're not being
very discreet.

You're indiscreet.

And he's one of the kindest,

most generous souls
we've ever come acr...

I have a different kind
of story about Fitz!

Do you mind, Donny?

My name's Greg.

One of illness both mental
and physical

and unrelenting greed.

On the outside,
he may look warm, kind,

and like the coach
from white shadow,

but on the inside
is a cold, dark soul

capable of taking
the lives of others

in order to save his own.

I am afraid,
members of the JOBA society,

that your Fitzy...

- Uh-oh.

- Is a cold-blooded murderer!

That's not Fitzy.

Where's Fitzy?

- You embarrassed
a well-respected,

not to mention seriously ill
member of our society,

Shawn, at his own
award ceremony.

Who had an arrest record.

It involved a peaceful
protest in the '60s.

That was not specified
in the Google info I received.

Plus, the fact
that you lied to us.

It was a lie of omission,
Lassie.

There's a difference.
Come on.

We made a mistake.
"We"?

You're right.
Gus made a mistake.

Look...

It doesn't make any sense
to dwell on mistakes

when there is a murderer
on the loose.

You don't hear me bringing
up Declan's

erroneous profile that resulted

in Lassiter scaring the crap out
of an innocent woman.

- Appreciate that.
- All right, listen up.

We just got a big break.

We just had a man who came
forward who claims

to have witnessed
a stranger switching

Lucy Friedman's insect repellent
last night.

Let me guess...
He was homeless.

Yes, well done.

He just sat with
our sketch artist and I believe

we have the first
look at our suspect.

Looks like Catherine Bicks
to me.

Damn it, we had her.

You had her and you
just walked away

without any further questions?

I pulled my gun on her.

She had a stamped
passport that said

she'd been out of the country
for two weeks.

Clearly, it was a phony.

No wonder she refused
police protection.

Come on, people.

And that was good work, Declan.

Thank you.
Thank you, chief.

Yes, good work, Declan.

We never should have
doubted you.

Gug.

No, it is.
It's gonna be a blast and white.

Okay, look forward
to seeing you too, Gina.

Bye-bye.

You did not just invite crazy
Gina Rapach to that wedding.

Look, dude,
I didn't have a choice.

Last girls I asked are either
out of the country,

recently married, or wanted
for poisoning people.

When was the last time you
even spoke to her?

I don't know.
I guess the night I was shot.

Gina is not the kind of girl
to be messing with, Shawn.

She is obsessed with you.

Would you relax?
It's fine.

She knows we're only friends.
It's a one-off.

He's gonna marry me.

- Any luck?
- No.

It looks like she took off
about an hour ago.

She could be halfway
to China by now.

Pretty sure somewhere
outside of Vegas.

I'm betting she's
still close by.

Why is that?

This isn't a person
driven by fear

or any emotion for that matter.

I strongly suspect
she's suffering

from a major depersonalization
disorder.

Where have I heard
that term before?

- DPD?
- No.

The depersonalization thing.

It's a disorder characterized

by feeling detached from one's
mental or emotional process.

Catherine's currently going
through the motions of life

without actually
experiencing them.

Chase suffers from
depersonalization disorder,

characterized
by feeling detached

from one's mental
or emotional process.

He's currently going through
the motions of life

without experiencing them.

It's as if he were
a character in a movie.

It's as if she were
a character in a movie.

Therefore, I anticipate
her next move

to be more logical
than emotional.

Do you, Declan?

You got it.

Chief wants us to regroup
back at the station at 4:00.

All right,
let's break till then.

All right,
I'll see you guys there.

Not if we see you first, buddy.

- What do you got?
- Three things.

One, I'm not the only closet
chick-lit lover around here.

Two, Declan is a complete fraud.

And "h," he may just
be our murderer.

While you were annoyingly
talking to Kim

for the ninth time today,
I was on the phone with Harvard,

who said that there is no record
of Declan going there.

So the guy lied on his resume.

If that makes someone a killer,
then you're Ted Bundy.

Look, Gus, this isn't about me

or the fact that I wasn't really
a background dancer

in the Thriller video.

This is about Declan,
a crazy serial killer

who targeted the people
on that list

because he knew someone else
would look guilty.

This guy is pretending
to be a criminal profiler

so that he can steer
us in that direction.

But you were
the one who figured out

they were all in need
of a liver.

Oh, now you want to admit that.

Declan had the same
information I did.

He just let me get there first.

I know this man because he also
listened to Internity.

Or read.

I just said he didn't go
to Harvard, Gus.

I don't know, Shawn.

Maybe you have a thing
against profilers.

He's guilty, all right?

And for the record,
Lassie agrees.

I ran the theory by him.
Why would you consult Lassie?

Because unlike you and Jules,
he's not smitten with this guy.

I'm not smitten.

You're Jimmy Smitten.

Trust me, Gus.

Everything you think you know
about this guy is a lie.

Where the heck is he going?

Once again,
we're on the verge of trying

to apprehend a potential killer
without a weapon.

Don't worry.

I came prepared this time.

Hello, Declan.

Hey, guys.

Welcome to the barbecue
I didn't know I was throwing.

Come on in.

Sweet place.

Whose is it, Declan?

If Declan's even your
real name.

If it's not, by the way,
you made a ridiculous choice.

- It's mine.
- Right.

Did you pay for it with
all your profiler money?

I think he's telling
the truth, Shawn.

Come on, Gus.

What about this place would
possibly make you say that?

Other than the giant portrait
of him hanging on the wall

behind me now.

Holy crap.
You're rich, huh?

Filthy, actually.

Sorry, that's a crass way
of putting it.

I'm seriously loaded.

That painting kind of makes
you look like John Stamos.

Thank you.

When do you plan on dropping
that grill fork?

Soon as you agree
to tell us your real story.

Fair enough.

Walk with me, gentlemen.

When they do I'll be
right behind you

So about six years ago,
I was just running

a small hedge fund
and I just decided

to make a bunch of bets
against the housing market.

Few months later, bam!

They were backing a truck up
to my house.

Had to fade it

everybody wants
to rule the...

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Excuse me!
Yes?

Why is there a man who looks
exactly like Curt Smith

from tears for fears playing
an acoustic set

next to that tree
and your swimming pool?

I'm sorry.
I should have introduced you.

Curt, meet Shawn and Gus.

Afternoon, gentlemen.

Oh, dear God.
It's you.

The real you.
The fleshy you.

I love you.

Do you have any idea

how much I love you?

I think I do now.

Yeah, I flew Curt in

to play a party I was throwing
this past weekend

and he just decided to stay
a few extra days

'cause we really hit it off.

And he's paying me.

Yeah, but it's mostly because
we enjoy hanging, right?

It's been a ball of fun.

You are paying me, right?
Yes.

- Well, because, um...
- Mad world.

Mad world.

All around me
are familiar faces

What can I say?

It gets a little lonely around
here.

Anyway, so there I was
in my late 30s,

never having to worry
about money again,

so I decided to pursue
the childhood dream.

- Criminal profiler?
- No, Sushi chef.

But the whole seven-year thing,
it was just too much.

So then I thought,
"how cool would it be

to solve crime all day?"

And I knew all this stuff
about psychology

'cause my dad used
to be a therapist.

Sounds familiar.

So I fudged a few
qualifications

and I gave it a shot and turns
out I have a gift.

He had a gift for...

Curt, please!

What did I say about
going off book?

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

Listen, you guys aren't gonna
tell chief Vick, are you?

No, but you better
damn well tell Juliet.

She's into you.
Cool, man.

I'm into her.
She's awesome.

But if I tell her,
my career could be over.

What would I have left?

Millions and millions
of dollars?

What's your plan exactly?

Just keep dating Juliet
and keep the fact

that you're
a complete phony secret?

- Isn't that your plan?
- Not talking about me now.

I really haven't
thought it out that far.

Well, let me help you out.

She is not the kind of girl
you mess with, all right?

She is the real deal.

You either tell her you're
a fake criminal profiler

or I will.

You do that,
and then I'll be forced

to tell her you're
not a real psychic.

Mad wor...

A dramatic pause?
Really?

Come on, Curt.

That's beneath you, man.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, come on, Shawn.

I've been on to you since
the beginning.

Don't forget we read
the same books.

They have the same taste in...

Curt, for chrissake.

I say one thing,
you do the other.

Don't sweat it.
I still love you.

Could you just stop saying
you love me?

Done and done.

I do though, love you, that is.

- Shawn?
- What?

I love Curt Smith
and I don't care who knows.

I will sing it
from the rooftops, Gus.

Everybody

wants to rule the world

Dad, you have got
to fire this guy.

He is a fraud.

So are you.

Yeah, but I'm a productive one.

So is he.

And he knows tears for fears.

Half. He knows half
of tears for fears.

The half that I love.
The half that I would do any...

Shawn.

All right, look, Shawn,
I can't just fire him.

There are no legal requirements
one needs

to call themselves
a criminal profiler.

Look, dad, if this was about
lighting a fire under me,

it worked, okay?

He gets results.

And why don't you quit
complaining to me,

get your ass out
there like Declan,

and start tracking down
our murderer?

You're loving this, aren't you?

They just spotted
Catherine Bicks

walking through
a parking garage.

Ahh.

- Uh-oh.

We were right, Spencer.

Declan Rand,
you're under arrest

for the murder
of Catherine Bicks.

You, take this joker down
to interrogation room "a."

Yep.

I always knew he
was a no-good murderer.

Shawn, you know very well
he didn't do it.

Fine.
I was wrong, probably.

The best kind of wrong.

The kind that makes you feel
good about yourself.

What, Gus?
What do you want me to do?

Help prove his innocence.

All right, starting Sunday
after the wedding.

Shawn.

Okay.

Lassie?
What?

- Before you start your
legally-questionable

interrogation techniques,
may we have

five minutes with Declan?

All right,
you've got five minutes,

but then you tell him
I'm coming

and hell is coming with me.

All right, what?

Hey.

Guys, I'm so glad you're here.

Will you do me a huge favor?

Will you check in on Curt
and make sure

he isn't throwing a bender?

'Cause I think he and that
dude from crowded house...

I think they're plotting
something.

Neil Finn?

There's no way we're missing
that.

What happened in that garage?

I don't know.

I heard on the police radio
Catherine was spotted there.

I wanted to be there first
to show you up a little,

and then I arrived
to find her laying dead.

But why would the police think
I was a murderer?

That is not important
right now.

Do you have any idea
who else it may have been?

I wish.
There's no pattern

to the murders anymore.

The first three were poisoned

and Catherine died from
a blow to the head.

- Yeah, that's weird.
- Yeah, and get this.

Catherine almost
appeared healthier

than she did when
we first saw her.

You know,
minus the whole dead thing.

I've got something.

Oh, come on, Shawn.
It's just us.

There's no need
for this anymore.

Seriously?
You're challenging me right now?

I'm trying to help you.

I just thought
it was ridiculous.

So is your face.

Okay, sorry.
What'd you get?

Stay tuned.

Come on, Gus, let's go
have a conversation

with our favorite weirdo.

I don't know how you do it,
Shawn,

but you were spot on.

About what?

A lot of things.

My wife, for example,
wasn't just friends

with that college freshman,
and Catherine here

wasn't suffering from cirrhosis
of the liver.

In fact, prior to the head
trauma that ended her life,

she was the model of health.

She applied makeup under her
eyes the day that we saw her

in order to appear sick.

Why?

Same reason
a middle-aged woman

sleeps with
a star lacrosse player.

Those are completely
unrelated, Woody.

And better yet, why would she
want to get on a list

for a new liver when hers
was perfectly healthy?

How did she get on
is the better question.

There's an intense screening
process one has to go through.

There is no way someone that
healthy would get that far.

Woody, is she a lefty
or a righty?

Oh, definitely a righty.

Muscles in that arm
are much more developed.

That wasn't Catherine
in the photo.

Who uses the parking garage
where she was killed?

- An apartment complex, why?
- I'll tell you on the way.

Your wife's also sleeping
with her personal trainer.

Yeah, it's okay.
I approved that one.

I'm sensing the killer
is in apartment five.

- You positive about this?
- Absolutely.

Open up!

Better be right about this,
Spencer.

Put your hands up.

Put your hands in the air.

Put 'em up!

Catherine?

What the hell is going on?

Not Catherine.

This is Maddy.

- Her sister.
- Exactly.

See, Maddy is the one with
the severe liver problems.

But she can't qualify
for a transplant list

on account of her alcoholism.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Clearly.
My apologies.

So she and Catherine
hatched a plan.

Maddy took her
sister's I.D. to a doctor

so she could get put
on the list.

As Catherine.

Now all she had to do was wait

for her number to be called and
her life would be saved.

But Maddy was getting sicker
and more impatient.

When Catherine left the country,
she decided

to start killing people
on the list above her,

so that she could move up.

They had all lived long lives.

Not the most sympathetic
defense.

Then Catherine got home,
found out what she was doing.

She confronted you
in that parking garage.

We have got to go to the cops.

We are not going to
the cops and if you think...

You are so selfish!

I will not let you!

And in a rage,
you pushed her down.

She banged her head.

She died.

Catherine?

I don't know what happened.

You pushed her down.

She banged her head.

Shawn.

A common side effect of severe
liver failure is psychosis.

She probably doesn't even
know what she's doing.

I owe you huge.

No, I mean huge, Shawn.

And as a token
of my appreciation,

I'm gonna loan out Curt Smith
for your buddy's wedding.

What?
Now don't play with me.

Fair warning though.
He's an angry drunk.

I mean, who throws
a keytar into a jacuzzi?

Oh, that's money.

Listen.

I've been thinking about what
you're saying about Juliet,

and it's silly for anyone
to keep a giant secret

about themselves from someone
they could potentially

fall for, you know?

I do, actually.

- So I'm gonna come clean.
- Really?

'Cause I was thinking about
doing the same thing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I was thinking maybe it's time.

Time for what?

Jules.

Uh...

Here's the thing.

Will you take a walk with me?

Can you give us a sec?

I'm a fraud.

What?

I don't have any, uh,

fancy degrees from Harvard

or years of experience
as a profiler.

I'm just a guy with a little
knowledge of psychology

and a love for catching
bad guys.

This whole persona I've
been putting on is just...

It's a complete fake
and I just thought

it was important
to tell you this,

'cause you strike me
as the kind of person

who appreciates honesty.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

Well, let's talk about it.

Or not.

Well, that didn't go very well,
did it, Shawn?

Shh.
Just give me one second, deck.

Let me just... one second
here and...

Done.

This is actually the first time

that I'm glad you
beat me to the punch.

I can't thank you enough, man.

Well, you'll get other
opportunities to talk to her.

Me?
Not so much.

Listen, Declan...

You're right about one thing.

There's nothing I value
more than honesty

and it does really bother me
that you would lie like that,

but I'm also just blown away
that you could be

just so forthcoming.

Took a lot of guts.

Should we talk it out
over coffee?

I don't think so.

Sure.

But if you're sitting
on any other life secrets,

now is the time to tell me.

Okay.

I'm really rich.

Okay, I can deal with that.

Wow.

Curt's really losing it.

Blah blah blah blah

wants to rule the...

world

Gus, there you are.

You missed the entire ceremony.

Where's Kim?

Man, we broke up.

What?
You're kidding me.

What happened?
I don't know.

We were out having
a nice lunch today,

when out of nowhere she goes,

"it's like we don't know
each other anymore."

That's because as
of a week ago, you didn't.

Man, this sucks.

I can't believe
I'm single again.

You know who can?

Anyone who met you
eight days ago.

How about showing some
compassion, Shawn?

Absolutely not.
That whole thing was absurd.

You're a ridiculous person.

You're a ridiculous person.
How about that?

What's the latest with Gina?

Has she tried to kill you yet

for uninviting her
to this wedding?

No, because I came up
with a fix.

This buffet is so good.

Hi, Gus.

Hello, Gina.

You have problems.
Help me.

You have got to try the
bruschetta, Shawn, seriously.

I'd really prefer not to.

Oh, well, then I'll be
the only one with garlic breath

and it'll be really gross
when we make out later.

Yes, it will.

Mmm.

Oh.

Oh!

He had a gift involving

problem solving

never backing down

It's really garlic-y.
Ugh!