Psych (2006–2014): Season 5, Episode 3 - Not Even Close... Encounters - full transcript

Shawn and Gus help on a case involving a seemingly alien abduction. They ask their childhood friend Dennis to help them since he believes in aliens. The three determine it is not aliens so much as a devious corporate man.

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---
It's the Highway Department's
problem, Jerry, not mine.

I'm going to have
to call you back.

All right, what are
you three doing here?

Aren't you supposed
to be in school?

Yeah, well,
we came to see that UFO

you cleared
from that field this morning.

You mean the weather balloon.

They got to him.

Who got to me, Dennis?

The secret government
agency in charge of

extraterrestrial cover-ups.



How much are
they paying you?

All right, that's enough, guys.
Back to school, now.

Do you think this is a game, Mr.
Spencer? I assure you it's not.

Inside that grounded
Cassiopeian death pod,

sits an army of Glornokian mercenaries
intent on colonizing our planet

and propagating
their evil species.

After they probe us.

We should go,
he's packing.

There are no such things
as UFOs, Shawn.

Details are still
coming in from...

So, the plaintiff is
entitled to compensatory and

punitive damages
per article 35-A,

section J, which...

Oh, Jesus! Toby!



Hey, Roy. You okay?

Just came by to drop off
the Patterson file

and some refills.

Oh, yeah, right.

Listen, did you notice any
commotion a moment ago?

No. No. What kind of commotion
are we talking about?

Toby! Toby!

Toby, where are you going?
Toby, no!

Aren't you forgetting
something?

No.

Hey! Hey!

Chief said we were supposed to
let him drive around with us,

get to know our process,
we are not currently driving.

You need to stop taking your
frustration with Shawn out on Henry.

Better him than
the neighbor's cat.

Ow!

I could have
suffocated in there.

Please.
I cracked the window.

I'm glad that Shawn peanut-buttered
your phone the other day.

I knew that was him.

Guys!

I still have Jif
in my ear.

Mr. Kessler, I am Detective O'Hara
and this is Detective Lassiter,

and this is Henry Spencer who helps
us coordinate our investigations.

So, sir, I understand you witnessed
a kidnapping last night.

I'd say it was more
of an abduction.

Do you have any idea
who the perpetrator was?

Yes. An extraterrestrial.

How come the crazies
never live close by?

Listen, I know it sounds
nuts, but I'm telling you,

I saw it with my own eyes!

An alien came down and snatched a
young lawyer that works at my firm.

Toby Shore.

Mr. Kessler, no offense, but I think
you're going to have a hard time

finding anyone to believe
a story like that.

Was he tall and scaly or short
with a huge lollipop head?

Tall, I think.

Reptilian.
Probably hostile.

All right people, we're going
to need a Speak & Spell

and seven pounds
of mashed potatoes.

Enough.

Mr. Kessler, if your co-worker doesn't
show up in the next eight hours,

feel free to file
a missing persons report.

Until then,
stop wasting our time.

You owe me a new phone.

You have a very nice home.

This UFO, was it more like a bright
sphere or two soup bowls glued together?

Ah, no it was a sphere,
definitely.

What are you guys?
Are you UFO chasers?

Nothing
as ridiculous as that.

We're psychic detectives.

And we can help you get to the
bottom of what happened last night.

Oh, fantastic. You're hired.

Shawn, may I have a word?

I really don't think you
should take this case.

Well, I don't think you
should be dropping the dime

on my peanut-butter pranks.

Look, we all know
there's 0% chance

that you don't end up
believing this kook.

How do you figure that?

Because you want
to believe him, Shawn.

Just like you wanted to believe it wasn't
a weather balloon when you were a kid,

and you wanted to believe that it was
aliens that abducted Joe Piscopo.

That remains my theory until someone
can pinpoint the man's whereabouts.

Don't worry,
Mr. Spencer.

I promise you,

we will not let our interest
in UFOs affect our judgment.

Good. Because you run around town telling
everybody that an alien did this,

you're going to look like
a couple of nut jobs.

Shawn, I can't hire nut jobs.

Dad, would you
relax, please?

Obviously, we don't think
aliens are responsible.

Good.

Hold your horses!

Because if aliens did do this,

there'd be signs
of electrical disruptions.

Exactly.

What else would we see, Gus?

Well, there most definitely would
be a visible ground disturbance.

Right.

So, where do you guys
want to start?

How about your terrace?

Whoa.

I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions tend
to psych you out in the end

All those people who gave you, Dennis and
I flack for believing in aliens in school,

Jeff Garrett and that female Russian
exchange student who stole my wallet,

they're going to eat their
words when this goes public.

I've got news, Gus.

Toby Shore was not
abducted by an alien.

What? But what about the
lights and grass and stuff?

Look, it's time we learned
it's never the crazy suspects.

It wasn't a mummy,
it wasn't the devil,

it wasn't even Bigfoot.

Bigfoot?
When did we suspect Bigfoot?

Missing school bus case.

I mean, there were bite
marks in the cushion.

The driver's seat was
pushed back six feet.

Right. Okay, okay.

You're probably right
that it's not an alien,

but why don't we keep
investigating just to be sure?

Because my dad
actually makes a valid point.

It's going to be hard to get
any objective work done

when we're both secretly
hoping that it's an alien.

So we can rub it in
Jeff Garrett's face.

No, Gus, we have
to let that go.

So what are you saying,
that we pass on a case?

No. Your $1,200 balance
on your JCPenney card

is not going to
pay for itself.

We just have to acknowledge our
mutual tendency to think unreasonably

about this topic and police
ourselves accordingly.

How?

All right.

If one of us starts leaning
towards the alien theory,

other one gets to
flick him in the ear.

That's an
incredibly stupid idea.

You have exactly three
seconds to beat it.

Three, two, one.

Now how was that fair?

Now,

let's find out what, if anything,
happened here last night.

Roy?

May I call you Phil?

I'd rather you didn't.

Fair enough.

How many beers did you
have last night?

Just one.

Oh, come on, what?
Are you implying

that I beer goggled
an alien abduction?

Happened to Gus
last New Year's.

I hit the White Zin hard.

I promise you,
I was sober as a judge.

Let me ask you this,

if Toby wasn't abducted last
night, what happened to him?

Maybe he left when
you weren't looking.

His car is still
in the driveway.

And listen to this, when I went
out to move it this morning,

it wouldn't start.

The car's brand new.

Really?

You know, cars often lose battery power
when they come in contact with UFOs.

Ow!

Thank you.

Have you tried calling him?

Yeah, about 50 times.
It just goes straight to voicemail.

Maybe he's out of range.

Ah! What the hell was that for?

You were implying
he's in space.

No, I wasn't.

Yes, you were.

Where are you going?

Mr. Kessler, maybe we should
talk to your neighbors

to see if they
saw anything.

Good luck with that.

Nearest one's about
half a mile away.

Listen, you
got to believe me.

I was just sitting
at the desk last night,

and the whole house
started to shake.

And then there were
these lights and then this...

I was hearing this
weird sound.

It sounded like...

No, it sounded nothing
like that.

Oh, really? I'm sorry.
I was actually trying to make this sound.

That's it. That's it.
That's the sound.

You weren't even close.

You know I struggle with tone deafness.
Why would you...

Now, do you believe me?

Before we answer that question,
we'll need to consult an expert.

Hi, we're looking for
Dennis Gogolack.

Shawn?

Gus?

Dennis?
No.

Get the hell out of here.
I don't believe it!

What an awesome surprise.

What are you guys doing?
It's been forever.

Wow. We didn't even recognize
you now that you're...

What? Not fat and nerdy?

It's okay.
It's the truth.

I credit my personal trainer
and Lasiks.

Losing the wizard's cloak
also helped.

Come on.
Get inside here.

Wow. That's interesting.

Yeah, my wife's into
stuff that dangles.

Looks like the software business
has been good to you, Dennis.

Very good.

Oh, hey, guys.
I'm Dennis' wife, Molly.

That was the creepiest
"very" that I've ever heard.

Hey.
Hey, babe.

Babe, this is
Shawn and Gus.

These are two good friends of
mine from back in grade school,

and now they're
psychic detectives.

How cool is that?

Really cool.
Nice meeting you guys.

Why didn't you tell me that we
were having friends over, Denny?

Actually, we didn't give
Denny much of a heads-up.

Here's the thing.

We're investigating a case that may
have involved an alien abduction.

And being that
your husband is one of

the foremost experts
on the topic...

I'm sorry, guys. I'm afraid I'm
not much of an expert anymore.

It's been 20 years
since I was into that stuff.

Oh, well, that's me...
Same here, bro.

Beer.

Yeah, Denny's
a total jock.

Guilty. I'm guilty
as charged.

Wow.

Oh, good, you did, like, a little...
Explosion.

You guys don't have to
take off yet,

we've got some
catching up to do.

Ah, actually, we're under
a bit of a time crunch.

Ah, let me just give you a
quick tour of the place.

Oh, Denny, I was actually going to
go hang with the girls, though.

Is that okay?
Yeah.

Okay.
Nice meeting you guys.

Very nice.
Stop it.

Come on.
Come check out my office.

All right.

I gotta say, Dennis,

I'm surprised that you of all people
outgrew the whole nerd thing.

I mean, come on, you were a
class three Dungeon Master

with your own set
of custom 12-sided dice.

Let's go.

What?

Oh, my...
You are a closet nerd.

Literally.

Dude.

What?

You have a replica of
Captain Adama's helmet

from the original
Battlestar Galactica?

And LeVar Burton's glasses
from Star Trek!

Those aren't replicas,
gentlemen.

I got those for 15
grand a pop at auction.

I have never been
so motivated to make money.

Wait until I show you
where the magic happens.

And I mean that
literally.

There's another hidden room downstairs
where I practice my magic tricks.

Why all the secrecy?

Well, look,
when I first met Molly,

it was clear she was only
into guys' guys, so,

you know,
that's who I pretended to be.

She ended up buying it.

I guess I've been
pretending ever since.

Sounds exhausting.

You have no idea.
Every day is a new challenge.

Whether it's trying to draw
blanks during Jeopardy!

Or having to sneak in here every time
I want to track some UFO activity

or sew a new
Renaissance Faire costume.

Excellent stitch work,
My Liege.

Thanks, Gus.

The worst is when I'm around
Molly's friends' husbands.

I have to say inane stuff
like, "Beer me," or

"Yeah, I'd totally hit that."

What exactly am I hitting?

Most likely
an attractive lady.

Okay, that's horrible.

Is it really worth it, Den?

Have you seen my wife?

Listen, Dennis, we need your
opinion on this recording.

Gus is convinced it's a UFO.

Let's hear it.

Based on my research,

I'd say that's a voyager pod
from the Serpens Dwarf galaxy

or bad new age music.

But if you had to choose.

Wait a second, wait a
second, wait a second.

If you guys can give me
the time and location,

I could check
the sky activity.

I hacked into the National
Weather Service's computer

a few years back and can pretty
much access their radar database

whenever I want.

All right.
Well, he lives at 25 Buckskin Drive.

And it happened around
11:00 at night.

Nothing.

Well, what do you know?

Wait a minute.

You better try 10:44
just to be safe.

You got
to be kidding me.

What is that?

Ah, Den? Dennis,
you all right there, buddy?

She doesn't even know
that you're asthmatic?

No. And she never will.

All right, Gus, I can't believe
that I'm about to say this.

What?

I think Toby
got abducted.

So do I.
You do?

Yes.
Sweet.

Why are we both
covering our ears then?

I don't know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, tell me you're
not calling Jeff Garrett.

No. Roy. He needs to know
that we believe him.

All right, but make sure you
tell him to keep it on the QT.

I know.
Right.

I'm standing here just outside the home
of prominent local attorney Roy Kessler

who's joined me now and has a rather
shocking announcement to make.

Mr. Kessler.

Well, last night I witnessed
aliens abduct a fellow co-worker.

People are going
to think he's nuts.

And I can prove it thanks to
the fine investigative work

being done by
psychic detectives

Shawn Spencer
and Gurton Buster.

Gurton what?

Oh, my God,
I look like k.d. lang.

Yes, Dad, we'll be
right there.

Look, before you go off on
us, answer me this question,

do you think that picture of me
on the news makes me look like

I should be singing
Constant Craving?

Shawn, what did I tell you
about taking this case?

Mr. Spencer, we have
hard evidence on this one.

Not to mention the fact that Roy
Kessler is a respected attorney,

not some crazy
conspiracy theorist.

Are you kidding?
That's exactly what he is.

Shawn, have you ever heard
of Budding Textiles?

That's the company that had to fork
out millions for the chemical spill.

Uh-huh, it got hundreds
of people sick.

And do you know who thinks
it was done on purpose?

Erin Brockovich!

Roy Kessler.
He's preparing a lawsuit against them.

We didn't know that.

Yeah, I suppose you also didn't know he's
being heavily medicated for anxiety.

He misses a dose and he's
prone to psychotic episodes.

Last year, he claims
to have seen a panda

in his company's kitchen.

That's not
crazy at all.

Pandas are big eaters.

Ten years ago, Kessler
claimed, you got it,

he saw a UFO
while on vacation.

Saucer or sphere?

You know, you two wouldn't
have missed this kind of stuff

if you hadn't been so blinded
by your childish interests.

Okay, first of all,

the only thing
we were blinded by is...

Science!

That never gets old.
Nope.

And tell me this, if
Toby wasn't abducted,

where the hell is he?

Right in there.

He took a cab to his
parents' house that night

after his car
wouldn't start.

Turned off his phone,
and he slept in.

Nice going, man.

Ow!
Ow!

Stop it!

I remember him muttering all this
stuff about lights and ships,

and I thought it was just
Roy being Roy.

And then I turned on the TV today
and heard his insane theory.

I wouldn't
call it insane.

Would you
let it go?

I tried everything I could
to get him to take his meds.

I would even pick them up at
the pharmacy for him

and bring them
to him directly.

Man, he's going to hear it
at the office on Monday.

Actually, your firm just
suspended him until he completes

a month's stay
at a mental health facility.

Wow. Who's going to
get all his cases?

We're available.

Isn't that right,
Mr. Spencer?

Gus here is a whiz
at LegalZoom.

My cousin has a personal injury law
firm called Accidentes.

Heard of it?

No, I haven't.
You will. You will.

Good work, people.
Papa bear.

You know what, Gus?
I really don't appreciate being snickered at.

Never again are we
investigating something

related to one of
our childhood obsessions.

But what if it's
a Pop Rocks murder?

That is the exception.

Excuse me, Spencer,

quick question,
how does it feel

to be so wrong
that you are now

a walking joke?

Just like you, minus the kind
boots and the soft eyes.

Wow.
This is really a big moment for me.

I may even do
a little dance.

Oh, yes, I will.

No, he doesn't...

All right,
that's it, Gus.

We are going to find out
what really happened,

and we are going to
clear our good names.

Let me ask you something,

if you were up and
coming at a law firm,

and you were abducted
by aliens...

Because that happens.

Would you tell anyone?

I know I wouldn't because
they would think I was nuts.

Like I do right now.

That dude was
not abducted, Gus.

Okay, well, you have three seconds
to come up with a better theory

to explain all this weirdness.
All right.

Three, two, one.

That's my trick.

How do you explain the radar,
the recording,

the indentation on the lawn?

Let me tell you,
it was a plane on the radar,

someone cranking
Yanni on the recorder,

and the indentation could
have been a million things.

Shawn, how do you explain the three
strange markings on Toby's arm?

You saw those?

Of course, I did, and
I didn't have to do this.

Are you mocking my
"It's a clue" face?

Yep.
Do it again.

I don't look like that.
Yes, you do.

You're a bastard.
Shawn, you know

that abductees often have
strange markings on their skin.

So do I when I don't
use enough sunscreen.

Now, come here.

Stand still and let me
flick your ear.

He was abducted, Shawn.

Was not.
Yes, he was.

No, he wasn't.
Yes, he was.

Was not. Wasn't.
Yes, he was.

Wasn't infinity!

If you're going to act like a child
about this, then we're going to

have to bring in a third party
to settle this disagreement.

Fine. Who?

He was definitely abducted.

The markings combined with the
other details have me convinced.

Why would I tag in a guy with
a custom-made Ewok costume?

Hey, what's the name of
that law firm he works at?

Wilcox, Kessler
and something.

Why? What are you doing?

Getting his work address so
you can spy on this guy.

Look, fellas, you have to see if he's
exhibiting the other telltale abduction signs.

You know this.

Paranoia, the compulsion
to travel to unknown areas.

Suicidal tendencies.

Spewing nonsense
with authority.

Oh, wait,
that's you guys.

You mock but I'm still waiting
on a better theory from you.

All right, it was Toby.

Why did he just tilt
his head and squint?

It's his
"I got a clue" face.

Think about it, Gus, Toby knew he
stood to inherit all of Roy's cases

if he could just get
him out of the way.

So he arranged for him to have
one of his psychotic episodes.

How?

I would even pick the meds up from the
pharmacy and bring them to him directly.

Tampering with his meds.

And you know what?
It worked like a charm.

Roy goes nuts, the next day,
Toby's a major player at the firm.

Let's go.

Where are we going?

Well, we're going to take
Dennis' advice,

do a little spying
on our boy.

What can I do?

Lend us some
sweet disguises.

Fellas, just tell me
what you need.

I have never
felt cooler.

You've never
looked cooler.

Dennis is going to have to pry this
helmet off my cold dead noggin.

There's Toby.

Dude, he's sweating
and shaking.

Have you been seeing clues
this whole time?

Paranoia is one of the telltale
signs of an abduction.

It's also the sign of a guy
with a guilty conscience.

Stop saying
stupid things.

You're a disgrace
to those glasses.

He's bolting, Gus!

He's wandering into
unknown areas.

This helmet is not
made for running!

I should have borrowed
Charlton Heston's scarf

from Soylent Green!

I can't see out
these glasses, Shawn!

Where'd he go?
Where'd he go?

We lost him!
Son of a...

Hello?

Is this
Shawn Spencer?

Toby?

You got to help me.
They're following me.

Whoa, whoa, calm down, man.
Who's following you?

I don't know. I think it's the
black dude from Star Trek

and some white guy
in a ridiculous helmet.

Which is your opinion.

Where are you?

Listen to me. Roy Kessler
was telling the truth.

I told you.
I told you. I told you.

Okay, you need to
come meet us.

I can't.
It's too dangerous.

Meet me in an hour in
front of the Lansdowne Hotel.

Lansdowne. Got it.

Dude, did you just
break Dennis' helmet?

Well, it clearly wasn't
made for running, Gus.

Was that scarf worth
going back to Dennis'?

Is Soylent Green people?

Now let's go get this
confession out of Toby.

You mean admission that
he was abducted.

Let's start with the
non-bat-crap angle, shall we?

Shawn, you heard him say
Kessler was telling the truth.

Gus, you really putting me
in a tough spot here, man.

You don't think I want to be the guy
riffing on how aliens abducted Toby,

and what they did to him when they
brought him on board the mother ship?

They probed him and placed
an embryo in his stomach

that's going to hatch out
his eardrum in 12 days.

I can't do it.

Someone has to hold the sanity
bag in this partnership

and, quite frankly, I miss the
days when it used to be you.

Shawn, he's exhibiting
all the telltale signs.

Paranoia, check.
Nervousness, check.

Ah!

Oh, my gosh.

Suicidal tendencies.
Check.

Hey, Jules,
what's the word?

We just found out that Toby wired all
of the money from his bank account,

about 500 grand, to a charity
an hour before his death.

We haven't found a note yet,
but it's looking like suicide.

I don't know about that.

You think it's strange
that a junior lawyer

has that kind of
account balance?

Not to mention the fact he was
Roy Kessler's former co-worker?

No, my senses are telling me there
is definitely more to this...

Much more.
Subtle.

Let me guess, you think the
Loch Ness monster did it.

All right, what are
you two doing here?

Came to get going
on the Toby Shore case.

Why? You're not
being hired on it.

Surely you can't
be serious.

Son, I warned you, I can't
stick my neck out for two guys

who are currently viewed
as the village idiots.

Village idiots?
Who here thinks that?

Dirty Larry?

Jules?

Sorry.

Gus and I might
be a lot of things...

Handsome.
Chiseled.

Intelligent.
Urbane.

Whatever that means.
But we are not idiots.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
My bad.

That's all me.
But come on, who needs a fan this big?

Seriously.
Leave now.

Fine. Fine. We're out.
All right.

Smooth move.

Come on, man, give a
brother some credit.

Let's see what
we got here.

Nada, recipe for Juliet's
weird cleanse.

Preliminary coroner's report.

What does it say?

Apparently, they found a strange
object in Toby's stomach.

Embryo.

Come on.

Woodrow!

Hey, boys.

You have got to try these French fries.
They're killer.

We ate. Thanks.
For the last time.

We need to talk to you about the
autopsy you did on Toby Shore.

What about it?

Come on, buddy, we know
you're hiding something.

Fine. I stole his watch.

You did what?

Hmm? Nothing.
Hey, how about some fried clams?

We want to know what you
found in his stomach.

I cannot tell you that.
I will get in trouble.

Really? More or less trouble than
you'd get in for looting corpses?

The object was a flash drive.

Now, when you say flash drive,
is that coroner code for

an alien embryo that
hatches in people's ear?

No. That's the word
"starfish."

This was a legitimate four gigabyte
flash drive. There were...

I take notes.

Abrasions on his lungs,
which implied he swallowed it

moments before his death.

Interesting. What about the
markings on his left arm?

That was birthmark.

Ha! Where is this
flash drive now?

I believe it's with
Detective Lassiter.

Great. Thanks, Woody.
You stay creepy.

You know I will.

You know, Spencer, the
minute you refused to hire

that smarmy fortune-telling
kid of yours,

you officially made it
off my crap list.

Here. See.

You actually have
a crap list?

I like to keep track of people
who've wronged me over the years.

You know people like
your son, my mother.

Olympia freaking Dukakis.

You disturb me.

Do I?

Welcome back, Henry.

But I got to say,
it is really nice

to finally be able to do some
real police work without worrying

about your son interfering.

What the hell?

Can I get somebody
from IT over here?

Johnson,
come help me out!

I'm not sure how comfortable I
am hacking a police computer.

Relax.
It's his personal one.

Which reminds me, check the
Internet search history.

All right.

Let's see.

Grenadefancy. com.
Squirrelassassins. com.

And... That's gross.

That man needs Jesus.

Let's see what's on that
flash drive, shall we?

Sorry, Gus, doesn't look like a
blueprint for an alien fertility lab.

Shocker.

It's just a bunch of legal
documents related to Budding Textiles.

That's that insane case
Kessler was working on.

He believed the Budding chemical
spill was done on purpose.

That is crazy.

I've got something.

We know.

Damn, I really got
to stop doing that.

Denny, where are you?

Quick! Quick, gotta get out of here!
Go, go, go!

Denny?

Denny?

One minute, babe!

Denny?

Ah!
Ah!

Hey, guys, what's
going on in here?

You know, guy stuff.

Steak.

Denny, you can't host a football
party from inside your office.

Come on.
Taylor just got a safety.

Sweet.

I'll be right there, babe.

Okay.

Bye, Molly.

What's a safety?

Really? Look, Dennis, why
don't you blow off this party

and come with Gus and I?

Where are we going?
Yeah, where are we going?

I'm not entirely sure, but I
know it involves a small town

and some potential danger.

Oh, wow, that sounds cool.

How much danger?

But I can't, man.
Molly would kill me.

Dennis, you're never going to know
what it feels like to be a normal guy

as long as you're pretending to
be something that you're not.

Trust me, he knows.

Come on. It's time for you to
get out there and experience

some real life,
non-virtual adventure.

He's right.

It's time to come out
of the nerd closet.

I'm sorry, guys, I just can't.

I really like having
sex with my wife.

Don't say it.

What's wrong with you, man?

Now's the point where you tell me
what the hell we're doing here.

Guess who's now the proud
owner of this home?

Along with the 700 similar ones
that make up this tiny town?

Shawn, if you say us, I'm going
to punch you in the face.

Budding Textiles.
It's the last one they purchased.

Why would Budding want a bunch of
crappy houses on poisoned land?

Here's a better question,

what is the world's
coolest truck doing here?

Looks like
a Decepticon.

It's not
a Decepticon, Gus.

It's made in Fresno.

Whatever it is, I highly
suggest we do not touch it.

Shawn!

Gus, the keys were
already in the ignition.

What was I supposed
to do?

Not start it.
It's not that easy.

Actually, it is.

All right, you know,

when Toby said that Roy Kessler
was telling the truth,

he didn't mean an abduction,

he meant the lawsuit
against Budding.

That makes no sense, Shawn.

Why would they intentionally
spill chemicals?

To get people to leave.

What?

In all the ridiculous science classes
you've taken over the years,

did you ever learn
about hydrocarbons?

Of course I did. They're organic
compounds found mainly in crude oil.

If there's a high
percentage of them in soil

does that mean that
there's oil underneath?

Not necessarily.
You'd have to check using a machine

that sends sonic vibrations
into the Earth, which help...

I think we're in
one of those machines.

Why must you always
touch stuff, Shawn?

It stopped shaking, Shawn.

Oh.

Gus, I feel like
a bobblehead.

You look like an idiot.

Come on. Try it.
I'm not doing that.

Get it on it.
I don't want to.

It's fun!
Fine.

Dude, you look ridiculous.

But think about it,
it all makes sense.

Budding figured out that this
town is sitting on a gold mine

so what does he do?

He orchestrates a chemical
spill to drive everyone away.

That way, he wouldn't have
to share any of the profits.

Exactly. Which I imagine dwarfs the
cost of lawsuits and land purchases.

And Kessler was
on to all of this.

Which sort of
freaks me out.

Why?

Because it makes me wonder what else
he was telling the truth about.

I don't want to get
probed, Gus!

What are you
worried about?

You're the one who's
less exotic!

Wait!

Get in here.

Well, boys, start talking.

About what exactly?

How about a story?
Would you like to hear a story?

Please.
I always enjoy a good one.

All right, once upon there was this
greedy CEO think, uh, what, Stephen Lang?

Esque.

Anyway, he wanted to kill this lawyer
because the lawyer was on the verge

of ruining his evil
master plan, but he couldn't,

because the lawyer had prepared
a legitimate case against him.

Hot start. Please continue.

He figured out that if he could
make the lawyer look whacko,

the case would be dismissed as some
nutty conspiracy theory, but how?

Ten years ago, Kessler claimed
to have seen, you got it, a UFO.

Light bulb.

He would convince the lawyer
he'd witnessed an abduction.

See, he already had this fancy 'copter so all
he had to do was add some extra lighting,

pump some Enya b-sides
through the sound system

and then figure out how to
trip the electricity.

He most likely used
an EMP device.

What is that,
a pregnancy test?

No.

Doesn't make any sense, Gus.
Would you just let me tell the story?

EMP not EPT.

It produces
an electrical pulse.

Okay, you know what?
There is a fine line between being

knowledgeable and arrogant.

Enough. I'm on
the edge of my seat here.

Right.

Well, it all worked like a
charm with one exception.

See, the young lawyer that he
paid 500 Gs to set up this guy,

had a change of heart once he came
across the dismissed case file.

But it was still just
a minor mishap for our CEO

because he is
a problem solver.

I like his style.

Yeah? And he was in the clear

until he came across two young go-getters
and they were onto everything.

Who he then proceeded to let go because
they promised not to tell a soul.

Swore. They swore because
that's stronger than a promise.

That's not going to happen.

It's... It's not? What?

And to think I only picked
you up for trespassing.

Whoops.

Lead them out back.

Don't worry.
I texted my dad.

Cops will be here any minute.

Who is it?

Messenger service.

Hey, I have a delivery
for you to sign.

Dennis?

What's he doing here?
I don't know.

Let's see some ID.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Oh!

And he spent the rest of his
miserable life in jail. The end.

My lip.

Dude, how did you find us?

I cloned Shawn's
cell phone earlier.

I think I did some real
damage to my premolars.

It's okay, Dennis, you
looked like a badass

until you clocked
yourself in the face.

You needed
this, man!

Hands in the air!

You, hands in the air!

Put those down! Put them down!

Lassie! Don't do it!
Wait! Wait!

Put it down now!
No, put the gun down!

He didn't need that.

Yeah, I see it now.

Right? I look like I just
finished a set at Lilith Fair.

Hey, Lassie.

All right,
let me have it.

No. I have other things to do with my
time than gloat about being a hero.

And the fact that you unnecessarily
caused one of our friends

to whizz himself.

I'm actually here
for some police advice.

Really?

No. It's boogie time.

Is there ever a
high road between you guys?

Shawn, Gus.

Jerks.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't
ignore-your-son's-urgent-text man.

It's a good thing you told Juliet
and she took it seriously.

Well, I thought you guys were
still goofing around.

Your credibility hasn't been
too high of late.

That's no excuse. You can make it up
to us by approving these expenses.

What? $7,000 in dental
work for Dennis Gogolack?

And a new pair
of underpants.

Twenty-two packs of Razzles?

Season tickets to the Los
Angeles Sparks of the WNBA?

Are you guys serious
about this stuff?

As a Rebecca Lobo set shot.
Class.

All right, look,
I'll think about it.

In the meantime, Chief Vick wants you to
take a look at this counterfeit thing.

Oh, look at that.

Now you want us.
Well, guess what, it's going to cost you.

How much?

Two grand.
1,500.

Sorry, heroes don't work
for less than two large.

Fine.

Sweet. Now can we
see you make it official?

Yeah, just put it right in
the old bippity, boppity...

Hmm-mmm.

What...

Thanks, Dad.
We'll start tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Why not right now?

Because we've got to visit
some friends.

My god, Shawn, you look like
Billie Jean King.

Detonate the
Pillar of Autumn.

I know how to play.

I got to say, I can't thank you
enough for clearing my good name.

I don't know how
I'll ever repay you.

I do have a coroner buddy who's
in some pretty hot water

over a stolen watch.

Consider him represented.

Thanks, Roy.

I must say, this whole experience
has taught me a really

important lesson when it comes to some
of the crazy stuff that I often see.

There's an explanation
for everything?

No. It's that
the eyes never lie.

Did I tell you guys
I once saw Bigfoot?

What?

Oh, you think
I'm nuts, don't you?

Male or female?

Was he driving
a school bus?

No...

Babe.

Where am I standing right now?

Denny? What's going on?

You know, it's
dudes being dudes.

Cigars.

So, listen, there's something
I need to tell you.

I'm not actually a jock.

I'm a giant nerd.

I don't know what to say.

Are you angry?

No, I'm pissed.

Do you know that
I've seen every single episode

of the original Battlestar
Galactica like 50 times?

I never told you because I thought
you looked down on that stuff.

You gotta be kidding?

No. What do you think I was
watching while you went away

on that business conference
last weekend?

I wasn't at a business
conference.

I was at Comic-Con.

No way.
I wanted to go to that.

I love you.

Aw.

I love you.

She just got even hotter.

What?

I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions tend
to psych you out in the end

I know, you know

I know, you know

I know, you know