Psych (2006–2014): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Polarizing Express - full transcript

After messing up on a case, Shawn wonders what life would have been like for his loved ones without him in their lives. He is shown by an elf in a dream. He goes through his loved ones lives and makes many surprising discoveries about them... and himself.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
K.S.R.P. 23 has obtained
the video footage in question

that led to the mistrial.

Thanks for that report, Katie.

The person seen in the video

conducting
the unauthorized search

is one, Shawn Spencer,
a psychic consultant

for the Santa Barbara
Police Department.

Hey.

Have I always had
that ducktail?

Your meeting with the chief
starts in 30 minutes.

What are you doing?



I'm trying to perfect a move
called the pull shot,

which should never be confused
with the snake.

Cut the crap, Shawn.

I told you not to go into that
building without the police,

but you never listen
to me, ever.

Now they look like amateurs,
and Psych might be finished.

Gus, don't be the way
Eriq la Salle spells "Eriq."

You know I would never go
snooping around willy-nilly.

Of course I checked
for security cameras.

They must've been hidden.

Damn it, Karen!
Czarsky's gonna walk!

How could you let this happen?

We've been building a case
against Czarsky for months!

I realize that,
district attorney Clark,



but, remember, it was
my detectives who got you

the evidence you needed to
prosecute Czarsky for tax fraud

in the first place.

This guy
is the kind of pond scum

that intimidates good,
hardworking people

into not testifying.

If I weren't a cop,

I would shoot him
in a dark alley

and leave evidence suggesting
his own people were behind it.

And when I say "I,"

I mean a fake,
imaginary detective

to be played by Powers Booth.

Well, none of that matters
now, because your evidence

was obtained by trespassing
on Czarsky's property.

It's fruit
from a poisonous tree,

and as a result, judge Leland
has declared a mistrial.

Stop trying to act like
you've got this under control.

I see the empty monster cans
in the waste basket.

You have no idea
how to fix this.

I was up late, because
I was watching Bad Santa,

the unrated version.

Then I watched
the first Austin Powers.

Then I watched back-to-back
episodes of Jake in Progress,

which is a misleading title,

'cause Jake always makes
the same mistakes.

You do realize there's
not even a ball in there.

Okay, I will be
my charming self.

I will smooth things over
with the chief,

and everything
is going to be fine.

And then we'll go
for dilly bars.

You have nobody to blame
but yourselves...

Particularly when it comes
to this psychic.

Okay.

Instead of pointing fingers,

let's focus on next steps.

Fine.

I strongly suggest that S.B.P.D. take
a long look at their methods.

Duly noted.

But do you think
you can refrain

from making a statement
just long enough

for us to prepare
for the media firestorm

that is about to come down?

This injustice to the people
of Santa Barbara

was a direct result of a lack
of quality control

at the police department,

specifically
with regards to their use

of special consultants.

What will you do now that
your case has been thrown out?

My office, along
with S.B.P.D. Internal Affairs,

vows to hold everyone involved

in this botched investigation
accountable.

No further questions.

Where the hell is he, Henry?

I'm a psychic, chief.

You know I need to be
in the vicinity of objects

and their energies.

I need to pat them, prick them,
mark them with a "B."

That's how it works.

It's like the chicken
and the egg...

minus the egg, I think,
and possibly the chicken.

If we had waited around
for a warrant,

this thing could've gone
the other way.

- Mr. Spencer.
- Whoo!

Our first fight...
I thought it would never end.

Shawn, shut up.

I have been given
an ultimatum by the mayor.

And as a result,

the department has decided
to take preemptive action.

It's about time
I was issued a weapon.

I'm placing you
on suspension, indefinitely.

Indefinitely?
Well, make up your mind, chief.

- Am I suspended or not?
- You made your bed, kid.

I haven't made my bed
in 15 years.

In addition, Internal Affairs
is gonna want to speak with you,

so I'd advise you not
to leave town.

I've been telling you
all along.

Your blatant disregard
for protocol,

your reckless police work...
It was bound to...

Furthermore,
I've notified the mayor

that as a result of you failing

to control
your special consultants,

your position
is being dissolved,

effective immediately.

Meaning what, Karen?

Your services
are no longer required.

What exactly
are you trying to say?

You're fired, Henry.

Dad, you are overreacting.

This kind of stuff happens
to me all the time.

Give me a few days.

I'll figure something out
for the both of us.

Yeah, as usual,

any sense of responsibility
for your actions

is too little too late.

I simply cannot comprehend
how you can be so careless,

considering who your father is.

Beats me.

Must've been
one of those lessons

you neglected to teach me
back when your job

was more important
than your family.

Hey, raising you
was no easy job.

And it's not like I had
your mother around to give me...

Screw it.
Nah, it doesn't matter.

Oh, Shawn.

Ay, yi, yi.

I'm just so tired of the grind.

You and me spinning our wheels,
going in opposite directions.

I can't help but wonder what
our lives might've been like

if you'd just stayed
wherever the hell you were

and not come back
to Santa Barbara five years ago.

Wow.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I shouldn't
have come back.

♪ I know you know ♪

♪ that I'm not telling the truth ♪

♪ I know you know ♪

♪ they just don't have any proof ♪

♪ embrace the deception ♪

♪ learn how to bend ♪

♪ your worst inhibitions ♪

♪ tend to psych you out in the end ♪

As reported earlier, the
peoples' case against Czarsky

relied solely upon
the evidence obtained

from this unlawful search
of his property.

Hey, buddy. I been watching
the news on a loop.

I guess there is such a thing
as bad publicity, huh?

You're still pissed.

All right,
I'll try you back in 20.

I can't help but wonder

what our lives
might've been like

if you'd just stayed
wherever the hell you were

and not come back to
Santa Barbara five years ago.

Wow.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I shouldn't
have come back.

Gus.

Gus, where are your pants?

Are you smoking a pipe?

Say something!
Say anything.

You're really starting
to freak me out here.

What the...

Whoa!

Hey!

All right, okay.
We give up.

We surrender.

Hey, I know you.

You're Tony Cox.
You're Marcus from Bad Santa.

You're awesome.

Kiss my rock-hard bubble
of an ass.

Now, you clearly associate
little people with cookies

and holiday pageantry.

Voila!

I have seen Friday 79 times.

Willow?
Remember that?

Your little warrior
with the long weave.

Thank you.

Disaster Movie?
Check.

Look, the bottom line is,
I'm one of your biggest fans,

so maybe you want to take
that chip off your shoulder.

The bottom line is,
it's snowing styrofoam,

- and I'm stuck here.
- Why?

Because I'm your superego.

No kidding.

Boy, I wish I could show
to all the people that say

I should be more humble.

Look, you picked me because
you think you can bully me.

Now, here...

Oh, look at that.

It's the Psych office.
Look, it's me.

And I'm sitting watching
the Czarsky footage.

Oh!

I'm dreaming.
I get it.

Well, in that case,

do you want to hot-tub
with Paula Patton?

Yes! No.
Look, you don't get it.

You're supposed to go
on a journey

of self-discovery, you boob.

Now let's do this,

because you got me wearing
a dance belt up in here, son.

Oh, sorry about that.

Oh.

Paul Bunyan?
Really?

Look, I'm trying to avoid
all kinds of stereotypes here.

Would you prefer
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

- Pre or post fro?
- Post.

Forget you.
First stop is your dad's place.

I don't want to go there.
This is my dream.

Your journey is to see
what would've happened

to the people you care about

if you had never come back home
to Santa Barbara.

Now, it was your dad's words

that were echoing
in your fat head

as you drifted off, remember?

Oh, yeah.
Those were ugly words.

- Well, you mostly deserved it.
- You deserved it.

- Suck it.
- You suck it.

Just for that,
there's your exit, huh?

Oh, man, that's messed up.

That's what you get
for putting me in suspenders.

What?

What the...

Oh, God!

- Oh, dude, it reeks in here.
- Like Bigfoot's ass.

Oh, my God.

My dad turned into Nick Nolte.

And the throw comes into third...

Ah!

When's the last time
he bathed himself?

Hey, Maddy, it's Henry.

Don't you think maybe you rushed
into this wedding thing?

Wedding?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

My mom's marrying
an African prince?

I was just sitting here
thinking about that time

I took you to the Crystal Palace
over in Bakersfield.

Remember how you accidentally
kneed Buck Owens

right in the whoppers?

Oh, come on, Maddy.

Maddy, don't go.

Madeline?

Man has to have some respect
for himself.

Wow.

He is really taking this hard.

I guess he was dead wrong.

It's a good thing
I came back after all.

You do realize you're pulling
all the strings in these dreams.

You did this to make yourself
feel better.

- It's embarrassing.
- Stop trying to twist this.

I can't help it if my dad
is lost without me.

We should leave now...

Before we're eaten by flies.

- Who's next?
- It's Gus.

His old lady has a kid
from a different baby daddy.

His alcoholic mother-in-law
lives with them too.

And I'm pretty sure they
live next-door to Edie McClurg.

That sounds like a U.P.N.
sitcom from the mid '90s.

Ooh! Ooh-ooh!

Can we watch Gus' life
like it was a sitcom?

It's your dream.

♪ ♪

Whaaaat?

Give your daddy a fist bump.

He ain't my daddy.

What's happenin', Anfernee?

You ain't my daddy.

Is that all he says?

This season.

Last year
it was "sniff this, eunuch!"

Mmm.

That's some sweet sugar, Burton.

Sugar dance!

Wow. You really do that
to your boy?

What, to sitcom Gus?
Absolutely.

This is brilliant.

So how was
your day today, wife?

Oh, you know my cousin
Sh'reethra from the city?

Well, she moved in
with us today.

Oh, and Anfernee learned
that drugs are for thugs.

He ain't my daddy.

Here's the weird thing.

I think this is a rerun.

Okay, now it's time
for us to go.

We've already eaten.

I think there's some cereal
in the pantry.

Oh, and, babe,
would you mind taking a look

at those credit-card bills
and paying them?

Thank you.
Mwah!

Oh! Time to get our fit on.
Let's go.

Still ain't my daddy.

A spokesperson
for the S.B.P.D. found it odd

that the surveillance footage
wasn't submitted earlier

in the proceedings.

Wait, why does she sound like
a news reporter all of a sudden?

You left the TV on, remember?

Oh, yeah, look at that.

Wow.

This is really horrible.

Gus is so underappreciated
around here.

Bingo.
Now you're getting it.

Your imagination is dark
and ridiculous,

but at least the message
is buried in there somewhere.

Oh, you mean that everyone
would be miserable

if I hadn't come back
to Santa Barbara?

I could've told you that.

Boy, are you in for a surprise.

Man, you can't just say
I'm in for a surprise

and then eat a gingersnap.

I can do anything I want.

So now what?

Wait for iiiit!

Told you.

What is this place?

Halt!

Halt!

Don't move!

Don't breathe.
Don't think.

Ze chief wishes to speak.

Why does she fake have
a German accent?

Because we watched
Austin Powers last night,

and you have a thing
for Frau Farbissina.

And now so do I.

Thank you, Frau Vick.

Ow!

Gentlemen...

I will not mince words.

It has been brought
to my attention

that only 31%
of arrested assailants

have sustained gunshot wounds.

Now, this,
I'm sure you all realize,

is entirely unacceptable!

Unacceptable!

We do not provide you

with the heavy firearms
you wear near your hearts

and the endless ammunition

so that
you can finesse justice,

do we, junior detective McNab?

No, sir!

You give them to us
so we can shoot criminals.

As you were.

It is believed Czarsky
has interest

in several small businesses
on Santa Barbara's west side,

though his affiliations
remain unconfirmed.

So because I never came back,
she ends up getting demoted,

and Lassie ends up
with his dream job.

At least they respect him.

Oh, poor McNab.

So, you see,

not everybody's worse off
without you.

All the more reason
I needed to come home.

I'm a savior.
I saved the S.B.P.D.

Wow, you're so insecure.

Wait a minute.

Where's Jules?

Uh, you weren't here
to out Lassiter's secret tryst

with his old partner.

So the timing didn't work out

for her transfer
to Santa Barbara.

What, she's still in Miami?

Well, let's get out of here.
What are we waiting for?

You might want to sit down.

Ah.

- What about you?
- Bye-bye.

Whoa.

We have no backup.
They have heavy artillery.

We called for backup,
Bachynsky.

If we lose them,
we have nothing to back up.

It also means we suck.

Jules, this is so hot.

You're like Heather Locklear
in T.J. Hooker,

which means he's Adrian Zmed.

Wait a minute.
Are you dating Dwayne Wade?

That doesn't even make sense.
He's with Gabrielle Union.

All units, all units!

We are about to engage
in a suicide mission.

Please come and save me.

Aah!
Aah-ha-ha!

Whoa!

Aah!

Cover me!

No way!
I'm going fetal!

Orale! Orale!

- Viva Cuba!
- Come on! Ha ha!

Ah!

Damn it!

Oh, what were you guys waiting
for... Canadian Thanksgiving?

Up the fire escape!
Go! Go!

Hey, why... why couldn't
we just let 'em go?

Because
they're violent criminals,

and they smuggled those cigars.

You know what? I don't think
I'm cut out for this.

I need to transfer
to somewhere like Santa Barbara.

Oh, that'd be nice.

I'd probably be
a detective by now.

Authorities have long since
been investigating

Czarsky's ties
to the Miami-Dade county area.

And now sports
with Collin Hillis.

What the hell happened to you?
You missed all the action.

All I missed
was getting tossed around

like a black lotto ball.

That and Juliet
almost getting killed...

Up here in the 'hood.

She's very lucky I came back.

I had no idea
what a major role I played

in her career development.

How much longer
you gonna stay in denial, huh?

How much more time do we have?

Get out of the car.

Can I be perfectly honest
with you?

I can't feel anything
below my chin.

Oh, no.
Gus is melting.

I need to wake up.

Not until you learn
your lesson.

I did.

I learned how important I am
to everyone.

This isn't about them.

Haven't you seen
It's A Wonderful Life?

No. I can't do
black and white.

How about A Christmas Carol?

I can't do subtitles.

You know what I did see...
Elf.

How come you're not
in that movie?

It's not about me
and which roles

I should've gotten
over Dinklage.

What do you think
you would be doing

if you hadn't come back home,
Shawn, huh?

Working the weinermobile
in Madison

or giving tours at Graceland?

Hey, Elvis has
his own racquetball court.

Those jobs were fun.

It was just you bouncing around

avoiding responsibility
and emotional commitment.

I mean, sure it was fun
back then.

You were a kid.

It's time to grow up,

or you're gonna lose the people
that care about you the most.

I am?

I guess I could afford to make
a stride or two.

Yeah, you could.

Hey!

Don't give in to him,
you sell-out.

Where the hell
did you come from?

- Your butt.
- Who is this?

Us...
As a kid.

Doesn't look like us as a kid.

Well, we changed...

Sometimes
from week to week, huh?

That's true.

We made a deal
to never grow up.

And I held up my end
like a champion.

I know you did,
but you know what?

It was easier for you.

It's... it's acceptable
to act like a 12-year-old

when you're actually
a 12-year-old.

Well, you were doing
just fine, too,

until little Frodo Jenkins here
came along.

- Dude, I will lay him out.
- He didn't mean that.

Uh, yes, I did.

Dude, he's ripping us apart.

He's so dramatic.

Go to your room, or...

Do whatever you want. Go!

You're freaking me out! Go!

You don't have to kill
your inner child.

Just take responsibility
for your decisions

and the way they affect others,
you mutton head.

Hey, you don't have to be
a little bastard.

Yes, I do.

That's the only way I can
penetrate your thick skull.

I think I got it.
I-I really do.

It's about damn time.

- Look, it's a snow bunny.
- Where?

Hey, there's no...

You don't mind the ox, Cox.

Come on, babe.

Don't be a stranger.

I'm kidding.
Be a stranger.

Ahh.

I was right
about those cameras.

There weren't any.

That surveillance footage
was shot from the outside.

Who am I talking to?

Oh, brown snowman Gus...

I think I'll miss you
most of all.

Hey!

Thank you.

Now, Shawn, make this quick.

I had to pick up two extra
routes now that we're suspended.

My case weighs over 60 pounds.

Gus, the lightbulb came on.
I've had a catheter.

Catharsis?

You are my big, sweet,
brown rock,

and you always have been.

I'm not giving you
any money, Shawn.

No, no, no.

I should've listened to you.
I'm sorry.

Of all the relationships
in my life,

ours is easily the most stable

and the only one
I haven't screwed up.

If I hadn't come back
to Santa Barbara,

I don't know
what you'd be doing,

but wherever I was,
I'd be wishing I had you there

to lean on,

just like the first time I got
kicked out of little league

for corking my bats,

just like I am now.

I need you to help me
out of this mess, buddy.

Shawn, look, you're my boy.

And if you hadn't come back,

I'd probably be married
to some kind of material girl

and playing in a men's over-30
dodgeball league.

- They have those?
- Of course they do.

And look, I'm glad you found
your clarity,

but I don't think
there's any way

to possibly get
out of this one.

I have two backstage passes
to Ralph Tresvant next weekend

- that says there is.
- Yes, we can.

- What do we got?
- Stealth mode.

See, I had to go to sleep
and dream

in order to think straight.

But I was right.

There were no security cameras
in that room.

So how did Czarsky's defense
get that footage of you?

- Shot through a window.
- From the outside?

From the angle of the video...

Their surveillance footage
was shot

from that window over there.

Wait a second.

Do you smell that?

I ate a bran muffin.
I needed something quick.

I'm talking about inside
there, Shawn.

Whatever it is,
it's petroleum based.

Hmm. Where do you think
the super sniffer ranks

among other heroes' powers?

Below X-ray vision
and weather control,

but definitely better
than anything Robin

brings to the table.

- Which is nothing.
- Exactly.

- He's a liability.
- So is Batgirl.

Whoever lives here is home

and does not want
to be disturbed.

Census bureau.

So what's our move?

Brace yourself, Gus.

We're going to have to play
by the book.

It'll be difficult, but
I'm gonna help you through it.

- I always play by the book.
- I know.

We are gonna use
impulse control,

which is the practice
of controlling one's impulses.

For instance, I look down
and see that roach there,

and I tell myself,
"I can't eat that."

Do I need to slap you
in the face?

Let's focus.

We're gonna bring the police in
on this lead

before we do anything else.

What are you staring at?

I'm telling myself...

I can't squeeze
your sweet, sweet head.

All right, Dobson.
It was worth a shot.

Lassie?

I know... I know I am
the last person on earth

that you want to see right now,
but I brought you something.

Where's Jules?

If you must know,
she's out trying to find

a new lead on the Czarsky case.

Cleaning up your mess
of epic proportions

has been taking its toll
on everyone.

And while I usually have
no time for you,

today I actually have
less than no time for you.

Lassie, listen,

it's no secret
that we've had our beefs...

- Our rifts, our...
- Static.

In the past,
but I have recently taken

a long look at the man
in the mirror.

♪ Hee hee ♪

What I discovered was...

In spite of always giving you
such a hard time

about being too uptight,
too rigid,

the truth is I could've gotten
a lot further in my own life

if I had even half
of your discipline.

- And posture.
- Sure.

- And the stern bush.
- Absolutely.

And my pursuit-driving ability.

If you need to hear that,
then, yes.

Now, come on, let's hug it out.

I would rather fall in love
with a vegan.

That's fair.

Look, this lack of animosity
between us

is kind of freaking me out
right now.

I've had a psychic vision
about a location

that may yield new evidence
in the Czarsky case.

Spencer, you're on suspension,
and, technically,

I shouldn't even be talking
to you right now.

All we're gonna do
is take a drive.

Once we get there,
we will do everything your way.

That's if you still want
to catch this bastard.

I'll drive.

- This is it?
- Yep.

And I'm sensing
that nobody's home.

S.B.P.D.!

What is that odor?

Whatever it is, it's flammable,

which is something
I like to call...

Cause.

This is it.

This is where the surveillance
footage was shot from.

You stay here
till I clear the room.

I don't think
he was watching me.

He was watching Czarsky.

Hey.

Is it area codes
or state capitals

that you're
all rain man-y with?

I'm Rain Man with area codes.

State capitals,
I'm more like John Nash.

The dude from Clean House?

That's Niecy Nash, Shawn.

And she's a fine,
full-bied woman. What?

Uh, 305.

Miami and all of South Florida.

State capital...
Tallahassee.

Authorities have long since
been investigating

Czarsky's ties
to the Miami-Dade county area.

- Hola. Juan?
- Que?

You guys, you're gonna want
to get in here.

Uh, "trampolina" gigante.
I got to go, man.

Juan?

Here we come.

This seems to be the source
of the odor.

And there's this.

Whoever took
that footage of you

sure seems to have his own ax
to grind with Czarsky,

but it doesn't make sense.

This guy was building a bomb
to kill Czarsky.

I'm getting something.

I think this may go back to
the time Czarsky spent in Miami.

And I'm getting a name... Juan.

It's Miami.
You got anything else?

He lives here now.
He's from Miami.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Get this...

Vice was trying to nail Czarsky
on extortion in Miami for years,

which is why he moved his dirty
business to the west coast.

The night before he disappeared,
a restaurant...

Tacos al Carmen...

that was in the hotbed
of Czarsky's operations,

it burned to the ground.

Dag, I would give anything
for a taco right now.

One of the proprietors
was killed in the fire...

Carmen Verin.

She co-owned the restaurant
with a Juan Lava.

A Juan from Miami with a score
to settle with Czarsky...

Good job, Spencer.

I don't know.
That feels a little weird.

I'm sensing there's something
more to the story.

Our Juan wasn't
the culinary type.

We're gonna stake the place out

till little Billy bomb maker
comes home.

Guster, you take Spencer.
Take your funny little car.

Park it behind Czarsky's lair.

Keep an eye out for that snake
while we wait for Lava.

- Anything new?
- Nope.

He's still playing poker
and drinking absinthe

with the ponytail guys.

You know, they say
the wormwood in absinthe

makes your shadow glow.

We should do shots,
then play laser tag.

Shawn, you need to try
to take a nap.

- You look tired.
- Gus.

Don't be Keith Sweat now.

I'm sharp as a tack.

Hey.

Long time no see.

- Not long enough.
- That's not very nice.

Why am I back here?
Tell me that.

Perhaps your work
on this planet isn't done.

I'm not from another planet.

Well, regardless.

My dad won't take my calls,
and he won't see me.

Not surprising.

Oftentimes on these journeys
of character discovery,

I've found that one relationship
proves more difficult

than the others to rectify.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

How many of these things
have you done?

I don't owe you an explanation.

Answer me this.

Why'd he take that job
in the first place, huh?

I guess he wanted to protect me

during the Yin investigation.

Maybe in his own way,
he's still protecting you.

And maybe he's enjoying working
with you in the process.

You ever think of that?

I'm still here.

Normally,
folks kind of blink me away

when they come
to a realization.

You get it?

Well, Mr. Snowball-Slinger-To-The-Face,

I happen to be a big fan
of the awkward exit.

I hate you.

Aah.

- Shawn!
- Kareem.

- You took off your goggles.
- What?

What?

That was Lassiter.

They've had Juan
in interrogation for an hour,

but he won't talk.

He wants you
to give it a try...

On the D.L., since, technically,
you're still suspended.

I will crack him.

I will crack him
like a chestnut.

You stay here, Gus.

Call if you see
anything weird, okay?

You realize I'm gonna have
to take the blueberry?

Juan, my name is Shawn.

- I know who you are.
- I'm here to help.

And I loved you
in Y Tu Mama Tambien.

I'm a Cuban-American in my 30s.

Those guys
were Mexican teenagers...

Played by guys in their 20s.

That's fair.

One of the proprietors
died in the fire...

Carmen Verin.

She co-owned the restaurant
with a Juan Lava.

Carmen...

She was more than just
your business partner.

She was your fiancée,
wasn't she?

Yes.

You opened that restaurant
for her, Juan.

And Czarsky destroyed it.

He took...

My whole world away that night.

But they ruled it an accident?

If Czarsky goes to jail
for tax fraud,

he can still hurt people.

And if that's the best
you can do,

that's not good enough.

I was casing that guy
for months.

You got in the way.

I had no choice
but to turn over that footage.

He wouldn't have done
any real time.

The only way to stop a guy
like Czarsky...

Is to put him in the ground.

No, Juan, you are not
a murderer.

You are a good man.

And if you kill this guy,

you will spend the rest
of your life in jail.

I will make you a promise.

I will nail this guy

for a hell of a lot more
than tax fraud,

but you've got to give me
a chance, man.

Give me a chance.

It's too late.

Oh, forgive me.

Czarsky's gonna blow up
in 24 minutes.

We've got less than 15.

Tell me exactly where the bomb
is and how to defuse it.

Tell me.
You can still have a life.

Tell me, Juan.

Think of Carmen.

Tell me now.
Now!

It's about time we got
some law and order around here.

Shut up.

I didn't join the force to save
world-class scumbags like you.

All right, 30 seconds!

Secure the perimeter
and brace for impact!

I swear to God...

If I lose one of my people...

Clear!

Clear!

Long time no see.

How's that pretty little lady
of yours, huh?

She's not still smoking I hope.

- Son of a...
- Hey, hey, hey.

Keep laughing...
All the way to San Quentin.

You'll never get anyone
to testify against me,

not in this lifetime.

No...

I will testify.

Haven't you embarrassed
yourself enough already?

Hardly.

I'm just getting started,
you giant cockroach.

You know what?
That was out of line.

I apologize
to cockroaches everywhere,

especially Jiminy Cricket,

although for the first time
in over 30 years,

it occurs to me...
He might be a cricket.

Of course he's a cricket.

I will testify

that, even though
I can't prove it,

Czarsky's extorting
your hard-earned wages,

making you pay
by threatening your lives

and the lives
of your loved ones.

I will testify...

That, even though
I can't prove it,

Czarsky uses your legitimate
businesses as fences

for his criminal operations
and dastardly deeds.

We took an oath
to serve and protect you,

but we can't always do it
on our own.

Sometimes we need your help.

We know this is easy
for us to say.

We don't know how it feels
to be you.

But there is someone who does.

I do.

That man killed my fiancée.

Her name was Carmen.

Her dream was to have
her own restaurant.

She had a gift.

She wanted to share it
with as many people as possible.

They would light up
when they ate her food,

and she would light up
watching them.

We refused to pay him
for nothing,

so he burned
our restaurant down...

While she was still inside.

Think of your families...

Your children.

Anyone of you could be next,
and he's just getting started.

I know you're scared.

But he can't touch us
if we stand together.

Nice try.

Got me right here.

I will testify.

He collects on Thursdays,
and I can prove it.

I'll testify.

He stashes his contraband
in my garage.

I'm done with being afraid.

You bet your ass I'll testify.

Sergei Czarsky...

It gives me great pleasure

to say that you are
under arrest.

You have the right
to remain silent.

All the way to San Quentin.

You...

Lassie,
before you go off on me,

I was way, way off
on the whole bomb thing.

It turns out Juan here was
just counting down the minutes

to tonight's season premiere
of True Blood.

Sookie.

Nice try, Spencer.

But that bomb would've blown us
all to hell

if it weren't for
Captain Lane Scott Thomas here

and the entire bomb squad.

Actually, detective,
it was a false alarm.

What?

We were clear
because there was no bomb.

My team searched every inch
of that building.

Like I said, my bad.

But it all worked out
in the end, huh?

All right.

Let's hit it, O'Hara.
We got a lot of booking to do.

It's best Christmas
I've had since...

Ever.

Catch.

Well, it looks like
you're free to go, Mr. Lava.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

You guys want some eggnog?

Yes.

Juan Lava's
lactose-free eggnog.

Are you guys hearing me?

Do you understand
how jingly it is?

Because as soon as you
hear Lava,

you're not thinking
about lactose.

Okay, Shawn, that's enough...

Seriously.

Juan, that took some
real courage speaking up.

Well, thank you guys
for giving me a second chance.

I think I'm gonna stay here
for a while.

Good for you.

- Yeah, I like it here.
- Really?

- It's super cheap.
- Mm.

- Take care, guys.
- Okay, Juan.

- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah.

All right, let's see it.

Don't you ever, ever ask me
to defuse a bomb again.

- You hear me?
- Whoo.

Take the red wire,
and you cut that one first.

Come on, the instructions
were so simple.

And look at that.

You did it with three and a half
minutes to spare.

You know my thumbs flutter
like hummingbird wings

in high-pressure situations.

Ah, you were brilliant.

As usual, I couldn't have done
it without you.

Where's the rest of the bomb?

In a dumpster
behind the A.M.P.M.

Nice.

Well, let's hit D.Q. country.
I believe I owe you a dilly bar.

- We have no car, Shawn.
- It's not too far.

We can walk it, just like
we did in little league.

Impressive work,
Mr. Spencer.

You really
turned things around.

Well, the truth is
I don't deserve credit

for righting a wrong
that was mine to begin with.

Lassiter and Juliet are the ones
that should be commended.

Which is what I told the mayor.

I also spoke
to Internal Affairs.

Right.

Considering we were able
to get Czarsky

on much more serious charges
than we had before,

they've concluded
their investigation.

Really?

But that doesn't change
the fact

that you caused this department
a great deal of embarrassment.

So I don't want to see your face
around here...

At least until
after the New Year.

That's more than fair.

In the spirit
of, uh, the yuletide,

might I make a request
of my own, chief?

- I'm listening.
- It's not for me.

It's, um...

It's for my dad, right?

I mean, he's... he's kind of been
a different man,

if you hadn't noticed, uh, since
he started working here again.

I mean, his eating habits
haven't changed,

and he still watches reruns
of The Rifleman, but...

Your father can have his job
back if he wants it, Shawn.

Oh.

But the rules
are still gonna be the same.

You're still gonna have
to answer to him.

Oh, I know.

Yes, I know.
I, uh...

Thank you, chief.
Thank you.

Merry Christmas,
Mr. Spencer.

- May I, for the road?
- Please.

Ahh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.