Psych (2006–2014): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable - full transcript
Shawn's Uncle Jack leads a hunt for pirate treasure.
Don't say a word.
Fergulous.
Shawn, I said no words.
Oh, I see
how it works.
Two weeks ago, we're playing
Scrabble, it's not a word.
Now, suddenly, it is a word
because it's convenient
for you.
Oh, buddy.
Dude, you've got some
peat moss jammed
behind your ear.
It could be infested
with mites.
Mites?
I lost a $200 shoe.
Your dad almost got a
skull fracture. You're
the one who got us into this,
and absolutely nothing
happened to you.
Would you two stop it?
I've been on the other
side of this table
a thousand times.
You tell them only
what they need to know.
What do we say about
Uncle Jack?
He's not here, is he,
Shawn?
Why don't we take care
of ourselves?
We didn't do anything wrong.
We didn't break any laws.
HENRY: Oh, no.
Oh, no. What...
What did you do, Shawn?
Nothing.
It's just that laws
keep changing.
It's getting very challenging
to keep up with them all.
Did you know, for instance,
that it is now illegal
to give a perm to a possum?
What?
HENRY: Shawn.
Did you or did you not
break any laws?
We impersonated priests.
What?
What? We were
professors.
We were priests, Shawn.
(DOOR OPENS)
You gentlemen have a lot of
explaining to do.
You can bet your ass
I'm gonna get to the
bottom of this.
Don't I get a phone call
or something?
No.
Fine. How about
a text message?
I'll be quick.
I just need to respond
"OMG, LOL.' '
Here's a question.
How do you make the face
that's winking, with the
tongue coming out one side?
Mr. Spencer!
Now, by my estimation,
you may be in some
serious trouble here,
so I'm only gonna
ask you this once.
Where's the gold?
It's not quite
as simple as that.
Right, if we were to
really answer that question,
we'd have to go back
quite a while.
How long?
About 20 years.
As the rain thundered down
from the dark night sky,
and 30-foot waves crashed
over his ship,
the great pirate Bouchard
stood on his bow,
pointed at the
California coast and yelled,
"We shall take this land
as ours, men!"
(ALL CHEERING)
Your dad's awesome.
I know.
I'm so glad my dad
didn't come.
I mean, I don't even know
what a manager of debt
consolidation does, anyways.
Except drink.
Rumor has it that Bouchard
was obsessed with searching
for Spanish gold.
They also say he
may have had syphilis
and went crazy
searching for something
that never existed.
But I say
the gold did exist!
(CHILDREN GASPING)
Okay, my dad has to go now.
Thanks, Dad.
See you later. Bye.
What?
(STAMMERING) What
the heck's going on here?
Officer, we're just
in the middle of a class.
Is there a problem
with something?
Yes, there is a problem.
That's not Shawn's dad.
Because I'm Shawn
Spencer's father.
You're not Shawn's dad?
Ah, well, you know,
technically...
Uh, technically,
that is my brother Jack,
who technically
didn't tell me
he was coming to town
and obviously cooked up
this ruse with Shawn
to fool his new teacher.
What were you thinking?
I don't know. I just
thought it would be cooler
if Uncle Jack spoke.
Look, class, I'm sorry to
break this to you, but...
He's not a real
treasure hunter.
And this
is not real gold.
(DISAPPOINTED GROANS)
Kids, my big brother
Henry is absolutely right.
This is not real gold.
But it is real chocolate!
(ALL CHEERING)
What does this have to do
with the gold?
Relax, Lassidophilus,
we're getting there.
Last night...
What can I say,
the movie didn't
make any sense.
Of course it
didn't make any
sense to you.
You came in 20 minutes late,
fell asleep for an hour,
then woke up and asked me
what happened.
You always do this.
What can I say?
They're making the movie
theaters too damn dark.
It makes me sleepy.
So, basically,
I paid $10 for you
to take a nap.
Uh, basically,
I paid.
Dad, someone's
in the house.
Oh, my God!
Let's call the cops.
We should call the cops.
You keep a stun gun
in the birdhouse?
What's under
the garden gnome,
an M-80?
You want me to poke you
in the eyes on the roof?
We're calling
the cops, right?
(SIGHS)
Why aren't we
calling the cops?
Dad, wait!
Stop!
Uncle Jack!
I knew it was you
as soon as I saw the penny.
(LAUGHS) The kid!
Shawn, my boy!
And by the way,
that's a '59 penny.
It's the first year they used
the Lincoln Memorial on it.
I want you to keep it.
Thanks, man.
(SCREAMING)
Jack?
Dude, a hose? Really?
What were you gonna do?
Give him
a high colonic?
Shut up, Shawn.
No, no, no, no.
I get it.
You bust in here,
you blind him in water,
and then you make your
move, baby! Come here, you!
Ah, boys. It seems like
only yesterday I was
bringing you kids
to the track and we were
betting the ponies.
I was the only eight-year-old
kid who knew what a
trifecta meant.
Uncle Jack, I haven't heard
from you since you sent
that email
from Prince Albert's boat
in the Maldives.
Yeah, well, I had to sign
a confidentiality agreement
there, guys.
I can't really
talk about it. Oh!
JACK: By the way,
I got presents for everybody.
Hey, hey, hey!
Got these when I was
excavating near Machu Picchu.
(EXCLAIMS IN AWE)
Dug them up myself.
(BOTH GROWLING)
It's been three years, Jack.
What are you doing here?
Besides breaking into
my house.
Breaking in?
You gave me a key, Henry.
I didn't give you a key.
I don't give anyone keys,
not even Shawn.
Oh, that's not true.
I actually made a copy
a while back.
It was when I was hooked on
Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! on Noggin.
I didn't have cable.
Oh, I also stole your
toilet paper for about a year.
And a huge box of sporks.
I guess you are wondering
why I came back.
I want you to help me find
Bouchard's treasure.
HENRY: Come on,
not that again, Jack!
I hate to break it to you,
little brother,
but Bouchard's treasure
does not, has not,
and will not ever exist.
It's a pipe dream.
Don't listen to him,
Uncle Jack.
He's a dream killer.
Yeah, I understand
his frustration.
All those years spent
listening to me drone on about
the whole treasure thing,
without even a
semblance of proof.
I get it.
One thing confuses me,
though.
If it is just a
figment of my imagination,
where did I get this?
I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth
I know, you know
They just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end
Why do I feel like
he can see us?
No, it's impossible.
He can't see or hear a thing.
That's just weird.
So, what?
We're just gonna let this guy
listen in on everything?
KAREN: It's out of our hands,
Detective.
Now just get in there
and get to the bottom of this.
You got it.
When are we gonna
find out the deal with
the suit-guy in there?
Let's just get back
to the story.
I can't believe your
Uncle Jack actually had
a treasure map.
I can't believe you actually
pretended your uncle
was your dad.
I wanted Gus' dad to do it,
but there was a genealogy
issue I just couldn't resolve.
What else can you tell us
about the Bouchard guy?
We could only remember
bits and pieces of the
Bouchard myth, but
Jack filled us in
on the rest.
JACK: November, 1818.
Bouchard sailed up and down
the California Coast,
searching desperately for the
mythical Spanish gold.
He ravaged and looted the
Mission at Monterey,
was repelled at
San Juan Capistrano,
and finally made land here,
in Santa Barbara,
where he did battle with
a small Spanish garrison
and the Chumash Indians.
Yeah. I remember
reading about that.
They said he made off
with millions in
Spanish gold coins
but his boat sunk off
the coast north of here.
He disappeared and
years later he showed up
in Argentina.
Superior retention of
historic detail, Gus.
Bouchard was also fond of
hiding clues to the treasure's
whereabouts in the maps.
I stumbled upon this one
while researching him
in Argentina.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
First you say you're in
Machu Picchu in Peru,
and all of a sudden,
now you're in Argentina,
so which one is it?
Dad, he's not a suspect.
(SCOFFING) Oh,
he's suspect all right.
Forget him. Forget him, okay?
My big brother's always been
just a little cynical. And
that's what I love about him.
You still haven't answered
my question.
So, what about it, boys?
Wanna be treasure hunters?
Are you kidding me?
That's like asking me if
I want my own jet pack.
Or if I've ever wanted
to be a koala bear.
Okay, I think he means yes.
You can count him in.
And me too.
(LAUGHS) Superb.
Mmm.
You know, I've been reading
a lot about that
detective stuff you do,
and it seems to me
that having a psychic
might be a real asset.
Who knew I had one
in my own family?
Well, Uncle Jack, I...
I don't know.
I'm not really...
I wouldn't necessarily
say psychic.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Stop that right now.
Don't you do that to yourself,
young man.
Do not sell yourself short.
Do not feel embarrassed,
just because you're
a little different.
Didn't I always tell you,
you'd be great, didn't I?
Yeah, you did.
Okay, now here's the plan.
Everything we find,
we split 50-50...
That's after we donate
most of it to a museum,
right?
We are so gonna do that,
Gus.
Right.
You and I are really,
up here,
in sync. Okay.
So the first thing
we need to do is...
Get matching fedoras?
Get matching fedoras?
You're the one who wanted
the fedoras, not me.
Stop changing the story.
My mistake.
He wanted the yellow gauchos.
I said no to that.
Oh, would you please
put me in a separate room
from these idiots?
I will tell you everything.
Just continue.
SHAWN: Jack had told us to
meet him at the front steps
of the mission,
because that was the
first step on the map.
Gus and I could barely
contain our excitement.
I contained mine
a little better.
Okay. Just follow my lead.
Say yes to everything.
Oh, welcome. Welcome.
I'm Karen Raven,
head of the Santa Barbara
Historical Society.
We are delighted to have such
a distinguished professor
as yourself visiting us.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I am Abner Espinoza.
These are my compatriots,
Ernesto Agapito Garces
con y a de Abelar,
and Juan Priestly.
Oh, now I see where you
got the priest thing.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Well, welcome.
Please, come this way.
Now, as you know, most of our
prized collection pieces
are kept away from the public.
But, well, we're happy
to open our doors
for visiting dignitaries,
such as yourselves.
Yes.
(WITH ACCENT) Yes.
Okay, then. Um...
Take as much time
as you need.
And Bill, here,
will be waiting just outside.
All right, boys. We've got
about 10 minutes before the
real Espinoza shows up.
There's a real Espinoza?
Well, technically speaking,
we used to be partners.
He's a great guy,
but we had a
little falling out
when I had a small
dalliance with his wife.
And his sister.
And his housekeeper, Debbie.
Uncle Jack, what's
really going on here?
My research has told me
that there are clues
about the treasure's
whereabouts hidden
somewhere in this room.
And it all has to do
with the number 152.
Why don't we
just use the map?
Well, technically,
there's, uh,
something I haven't told you
about the whole map.
SHAWN: Uncle Jack!
This is a pretty big thing
to leave out.
Yeah, I know. I know.
I know. It's a long story.
A one-legged woman,
a bottle of Cutty Sark...
The point is that the
missing part of the map
is the first step of the hunt.
Now, come on, kid.
Use that psychic gift
you got. Come on.
Oh, boy!
I'm seeing letters,
swarming. They're zinging!
Oh, they're forming words!
They're forming words!
"Couleur.' '
Couleur.
Couleur.
Couleur?
What does that mean?
French... Color... Paint!
Painting. That's it!
Come on, let's go, hurry up!
More!
There's paintings
over there.
Wait, wait, wait!
Go back! Go back!
Hello, Bouchard.
Let me see the map.
Where did you hide that clue,
you old syphilitic sea dog?
I know where the map starts.
And I know where
the first clue is.
Wait. The map was
actually real?
Oh, yeah. We couldn't
believe it.
The lighthouse was
the first clue.
What happened from there?
We didn't make it
to the second clue.
Why not?
Because we weren't the
only ones who found
the lighthouse.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
All right, Spencer,
tell the Chief what you
just told us.
Okay, Chief.
Here goes.
We're so hungry.
I can't get the burrito place
on Coda Street out of my mind.
They're open late.
Gus, children's burrito,
no sauce,
Dad, I know you're a
fan of the carne asada.
All right, Mr. Spencer,
let me be frank.
As long as I can be Dean
and Gus can be Sammy.
Why do I have
to be Sammy?
Fine. He's Sammy.
That makes you Joey Bishop.
Is that what you really want?
You wanna be Joey Bishop?
Shawn?
I'm sorry, Jules.
How often does someone
set you up with
"Let me be Frank"?
Shawn!
Don't forget that you
are in a lot of trouble here.
And I am probably the only
person in this room who cares
to see you get out of it.
Now, it's 2:30 in the morning,
we've been here for hours,
enough with the jokes,
stop delaying, and tell us
what we wanna hear.
Oh, my God. That was so hot.
Spencer, tell the Chief
what you told us
about the guys who
chased you away from
the lighthouse with the guns.
Not just chasing us.
They found us,
hiding in a cabin.
Who were they?
HENRY: Jack's partners.
Because the one thing
that you could count on
with my brother Jackie,
he always had partners.
Jack! What the hell
are you doing?
JACK: Mark, calm down,
will you?
It's all part of the plan.
Wait a second.
You guys know each other?
Oh, yeah.
We were partners.
I thought
we were partners.
Well, technically,
you're all my partners.
Well, I don't know where you
guys went to partner college
but I'm pretty sure
you're not supposed to
shoot at your partners.
Yeah?
Should partners do this?
(GRUNTS)
Maybe we shouldn't use
the word "partners" anymore.
It seems
to make him mad.
(GROANING) Mark.
Kitten, listen,
this is my nephew
Shawn, okay?
He's psychic.
For real.
Works for the cops sometimes.
Fully legitimate, fully.
I only brought him around
to help with the hunt.
And I was just
gonna pay him
a small finder's fee.
That's it.
What's finder's fee?
Is that like 50%?
Not even close.
No.
Not buying it.
You were gonna
sell us out.
Oh! Psychic things
are happening to me!
Oh!
Running down my legs!
Oh, oh!
Oh. Oh.
Welcome. Welcome.
I'm Karen Raven,
head of the Santa Barbara
Historical Society.
You don't worry about
the pregnancy.
Your girlfriend's gonna
be just fine.
Huh? Huh? Huh?
What'd I tell you?
Now, why don't you just
let us go?
We'll all find the treasure.
We'll be stinking,
filthy rich
and live fabulous lives!
No.
Give us the map.
We don't have the map.
Really?
That's too bad.
Okay! It's
in the backpack.
Thanks.
What are you... What...
Wait, just wait.
Wait.
It's in the side pouch.
Hey, Gus, should we tell Mark
that there's a tear
in the map?
Son of a bitch, Jack!
CARLTON: Hold it!
So you just gave them
the map and told them
everything?
No, not everything.
Okay, everything.
So, they found the treasure?
(SCOFFS) Not exactly.
(HORN BLARING)
SHAWN: Okay, I may have
psychically led them down
the wrong path.
The spirit world is just
one of life's little
mysteries.
Like why the Oxygen Network
airs Goodfellas,
or why fools fall in love.
Ow!
Here you go,
Mr. Guster.
This is all they had in
lost and found in your size.
An Ugg boot?
I can't wear an
Ugg boot with...
It'll be dope with
my one Puma.
Now, Mr. Spencer.
BOTH: Yes.
Oh, I meant the older...
Sorry, not old,
less...
Handsome.
Less hair?
Less friends on Facebook?
Less nose.
Oh!
Henry.
Did you fill out a
burglary report
in your house yesterday?
I did.
But nothing was taken.
Oh. And yet, why do I feel
this somehow plays into this
whole mess, doesn't it?
I was the one who
picked them up.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
How did your dad know
where to find you
if that Mark guy took all
your cell phones?
That is a good question.
I have to pee.
No. No way, Shawn.
Well, what am I
supposed to do?
Hold it like a man.
I'll get a urinary tract
infection.
Like a man.
You know what?
You could link your legs
underneath your chairs
and form a wheel
and roll to the bathroom.
I don't even wanna project
how that's gonna happen.
I'm not rolling anywhere.
I don't know why I listened
to either one of you.
No one is gonna find us.
We're probably gonna die
out here.
Gus?
What?
What is that
on your leg?
Nothing.
Dude, you are strapped
with another cell phone?
Well, just call Henry.
Come on!
No, no, no.
We're not calling anyone.
That is my work phone.
For work.
This is work.
My boss is watching
everything I do, Shawn.
Plus, you already
used up half my minutes
waiting on hold for
concert tickets.
That was Tony, Toni, Tone,
and Wet Wet Wet
playing together!
You know I can't resist that.
The symmetry alone...
All right, Gus,
this is our only choice, man.
Fine.
Shawn, reach down
and get it.
Me? I'm not gonna reach down
and get it. You get it.
With what hand?
Fine.
I'll do it.
Hold still.
(GRUNTS)
Stop it!
You're wobbling!
Hold on, now!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Stop flexing.
Ow!
(GRUNTS)
Hold it.
Okay, it's ringing.
MAN: Fu's Palace.
Want to place order?
You must've dialed
the wrong number.
Hi! We're stuck out in
a cabin on Tunnel Road,
can you send help?
For pick-up or delivery?
This is Jack Spencer,
and I'm willing to offer you
a 50-50 split on
pirate treasure!
GUS: Hang up, Shawn.
Hold on.
While he's on the line,
you guys want anything?
GUS: Will you dial it again?
And this time try to dial
the right number.
Look, man, I'm dialing with a
ten-year old Erasermate
in my mouth.
It's not an exact science.
(DIALING)
(PHONE RINGING)
HENRY: You've reached
Henry Spencer.
Leave your name and number,
but speak slowly
because people talk too fast
in these things and I can
never understand it.
(BEEP)
SHAWN: Hey, Dad.
What's going on?
Uh, I got good news.
Great news!
The electric wrench
you've been wanting,
is in stock at Home Depot.
Uh, what else?
I know there was
something else!
Oh! I know.
If you're not too busy,
Gus, Jack and I
are tied up in a cabin
about 100 yards off
Tunnel Road,
right by where we had the
pulled pork sandwiches
that one time.
Shawn?
Spencer, are you gonna
answer my question or not?
How did your dad know
where to find you?
With some people
I can communicate
through psychic wavelengths.
My father is one of them.
Val Kilmer is another.
Here's something I don't
understand. Jack's partner
wanted the map, right?
So, why would they trash
your dad's house?
They'd know Jack wouldn't let
the map out of his sight.
But Mark and his men,
they weren't looking
for a map.
So, what were they
looking for?
You know you're
my boy, Shawn.
Why did you have to go
and give Mark the map?
Because I don't need it.
Uncle Jack, trust me.
I can recreate the map
psychically in my head.
Hey! Hey.
Spare me, kid, okay?
You can't snow the snowman.
We were so close.
HENRY: Stop!
Oh! I feel jittery.
It starts with beans!
Gus likes it in the morning.
Now, he has gas!
Something having to do
with coffee?
Yes! Coffee!
Coffee, coffee, coffee,
coffee table!
Coffee table!
Mark and his goons
weren't looking for the map,
were they?
No, no.
They were looking for
something else. A different
piece of the puzzle.
Something you didn't want
connected to the map at all.
(GASPS)
Oh!
That is downright scary.
Maybe you really do
have a gift, kid.
My bad for doubting it.
You know, this key is also
from Bouchard's stuff
I found in Argentina.
It was useless without
that map.
But if Shawn can
actually recreate that map,
that plus this key
means we are back on track!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Guys,
I gotta hit the head.
But when I come back,
we are finding us
a treasure.
(SHAWN EXHALES)
Hope he bought that.
With Jack, you never know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if that key is real...
Shawn, come on.
Take a look around.
Haven't you had enough?
These guys...
They've destroyed my
living room.
Mark and his goons
aren't gonna stop!
We gotta get back out there!
Dad!
No! No.
Shawn, no!
Just come with us!
Come with us!
Why do you need me?
It's not that we need you.
We want you.
Plus, we need you.
We need your truck,
because my car is still
at the lighthouse
and Mark has the key.
There you go,
thank you very much.
Sorry, count me out.
Shocker!
(CHUCKLING) Okay, guys, ready?
Good. All we gotta do now
is borrow a car.
Now, technically,
the term is hot-wiring.
However...
I'm in. But I drive,
I'm the one who decides
if and when we go
to the police.
I don't want any
more surprises.
Do you understand?
Yes, Dad!
Big bro! I knew you'd
come around.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, psychic,
what's the next step?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Shawn?
The key will guide us now.
(CHUCKLING) I love this!
50-50 split between me
and you guys!
HENRY: No more surprises,
right, Jack?
Of course.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
GUS: Tell me this, Shawn.
How are we supposed
to find clues
from a bell tower that
hasn't been around for
over 100 years?
The Presidio was huge.
It would've taken up
several blocks.
JACK: So, what should we
do now?
There's only one thing
we can do. Go back in time.
The bell tower's
calling me!
Shawn!
Come on!
Shawn, wait up!
Shawn!
(GRUNTS)
This is it.
This is where the
bell tower stood!
Well, what do we do now?
Let's buy some mufflers.
He doesn't even
own a car.
I bet you,
I end up paying for these.
(SHAWN SIGHS)
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah,
I'll survive.
What're we doing
up here, Shawn?
I'm not sure yet.
But that's part of the fun,
isn't it?
We are good to go.
The manager said we can take
as much time as we need.
Alvin. Good guy.
Filipino.
He loved me.
And Jack offered him
50% of the treasure.
I also gave him an '82 penny.
First year they used
zinc instead of copper.
Okay. What is the deal
with you and all these
pennies?
JULIET: Yeah,
I don't get that either.
So, Jack collects them
and then leaves them places?
What's that about?
Jack was always
interested in history.
Collecting pennies was his way
of being a part of it.
But leaving the pennies was
his own personal philosophy.
See, Uncle Jack
always said...
I leave the penny,
because it's good luck.
And Lord knows,
the world could use
some more good luck.
Are you for real?
HENRY: All right, Shawn,
what're we doing up here?
You think that when
Bouchard captured the fort,
he stood up here,
on the bell tower, gazing out
into the big blue ocean,
looking for a place
to hide the treasure?
If I were a French pirate,
with a bad temper and
at least one venereal disease,
where would I be looking?
(SIGHS)
That's it.
That's it, right there!
We're so close. Let's go!
Hey!
How did he find us?
He's got the map.
He must've figured it out.
Come on! Let's go!
(SCREAMS)
Shawn! Shawn!
(GRUNTING)
I can't lose my Puma, Shawn!
(SCREAMS)
I got it!
This is it!
This is the bluff
from the map!
Uncle Jack!
I know this probably isn't
the right time to say this,
but dude!
I think we're gonna get
to ride in a helicopter.
You're obligated to let me
speak to them.
I'm not obligated to
make you do anything.
Chief, perhaps
you should see this
one more time.
No, I don't need to see
the letter one more time.
Jules. Lassy,
what's going on out there?
What's the deal with that guy?
He didn't say a word to us
when he brought us in.
His name is Andres Candalaria.
He works for the Spanish
government.
Apparently, he's part of
some inter-governmental task
force on stolen antiquities.
(KAREN CLEARS THROAT)
Hello, Mr. Spencer.
I believe you know
why you're here.
And I believe you know
I know why I'm here.
Now, why am I here?
To help us find the treasure
that rightly belongs to
my government.
But we didn't
find anything.
S?.
And my men have been searching
the bluffs all night,
as well, with no luck.
That's because you stopped
us one step short.
Your treasure is not
in the bluffs, che.
(EXCLAIMING)
The spirits are guiding
my man paw!
It's like... it's like that
movie, Idle Hands.
Except with no nudity,
which means, I must be
completely unwatchable
right now.
Do either of these words
mean anything to anyone?
It could be the clue
we're looking for.
"Cueva" is Spanish for cave.
"Couleur" could be French.
I think it means paint.
I spent a semester in Paris.
Got salmonella poisoning
and lost 20 pounds.
Best diet ever!
Painted caves! That's it.
Bouchard was French,
but he was fascinated
with the Chumash Indians.
Whoa, whoa! Chumash Indians.
Well, they used to
paint caves all over the area.
We used to roust punks
in there from drinking
all the time.
"Roust punks"?
Thank you, Jack Lord.
We will now lead you
to the treasure.
I know the cave.
Very well. Let's go.
Stop. You are
not doing this.
The only reason
I brought these men here,
in the first place,
was because Spencer
would not talk with us
unless he was
in the station.
Okay. Look, I said we would
cooperate with you, but they
are employees of the SBPD,
and they're not going anywhere
without my detectives.
Chief, we have been through
this, no? This is from
your Treasury Department,
giving me full power
to call the shots.
Now, I thank you
for your help,
but it will no longer
be needed.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Sorry.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
I can't believe we're actually
digging for buried treasure.
I know, dude.
And you're getting your
pants totally dirty
and you don't even care.
I'm so proud of you.
Keep digging!
(METAL CLANKING)
"HB.' '
That could be for
Hippolyte de Bouchard!
Or Harry Belafonte.
No.
No, that doesn't
make any sense.
Just get it out.
(GRUNTING)
Oh my God.
It's real.
(LAUGHING) S?.
ANDRES: Well done.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You should know the
Spanish government owes you
a great debt of gratitude.
Now, could I please have
the coins?
(EXCLAIMING) Before
we do that,
I should tell you,
I know three things that you
probably don't know.
Uno,
the secret of NIM
and the secret of my success?
Same secret.
Dos, I know that
you don't work for the
Spanish government.
(CHUCKLES)
And tres,
these caves are actually
quite slippery.
(GRUNTING)
What are you doing?
Bag! Bag! Bag! Bag! Bag!
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
What is going on?
Why are we running?
Why did we leave the caves?
Hey!
Shawn! Shawn!
What happened to your
other Puma?
You gotta be kidding me!
I lost another shoe?
Let's go.
This way!
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Jack!
Jack!
Yes!
Hey, guys.
I told you I'd come back.
I've been tracking you
the whole time. You, uh,
have the treasure?
This is it.
(EXCLAIMING) I always
believed in you, kid. I always
knew you were special.
(ANDRES SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Ah, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't come in here.
We gotta split up for safety.
Listen, they're not gonna
hurt you if you don't
have the gold.
Believe me. I know what
I'm talking about.
What?
Come on! Let's have it.
Remember the place
on Foothill,
where I used to take you
when you were a kid,
get you burgers and shakes?
Yeah, it's Red Robin.
It's still there.
That's the one.
Meet you there in an hour.
I'll be there.
Yee-haw!
MARK: Damn it!
You gave him the gold,
didn't you?
Hey! That's my gold.
Who the hell are you?
If there were doves
flying around,
we'd be in a John Woo movie.
MARK: Son of a bitch.
I'm going to kill Jack.
Oh, you know Jack?
He was my partner.
He was my partner!
Uh, technically,
Iron Giant guy,
he was all of our partners.
And the guy who answers
the phone at Fu's Palace.
And the guy at the
muffler shop.
Good catch, Gus.
Look, fellas, we're just
gonna roll on out,
if that's cool.
Let you settle your
business here.
Not so fast.
Why don't we just take the
nephew and ransom his ass
for the gold?
We have no other choice.
No, no, no, no!
(STAMMERING) You always
have a choice.
You could ransom Gus' ass.
You could swirl it up.
You could ransom half my ass
and half his ass.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
Drop it!
Hands in the air!
Shawn, you know I don't
curse very often. So when
I do, you know I mean it.
What the hell just happened?
I thought you weren't
a big fan of the wrap up.
All right,
I'll give it to you.
So, back at station,
I realize Andres' accent
isn't Spanish,
it's Argentinean.
And that's where Uncle Jack
just got back from,
so I figure he's one of
Jack's partners.
How did you know
that?
He worked in that winery in
Argentina for a year.
I kept the postcards.
You did?
I use them as beer coasters.
Okay, Shawn, but...
So that's why I called
Andres "che,"
to see if he'd react.
Which he did.
Because in Argentina,
"che" is slang
for "buddy" or "pal.' '
Sort of like I call you
"black star" or "home skillet"
or "big baby Burton.' '
Don't ever call me
"home skillet.' '
Right.
But why didn't you
tell anybody?
I did.
She knew just what to
do with it.
Sorry, Jules.
HENRY: Doesn't matter
what happened.
The important thing is
you guys are safe
and nobody got hurt.
Now, let's get out of here.
I'm too old to be staying up
all night.
Can't believe
I lost my other shoe.
Dude, I will buy you
another pair.
Just tell me
you didn't really drop
200 bones on sneakers.
No, Shawn.
I was making a point.
How much were
they, really?
80 bucks.
And I had $32 left
on my Foot Locker gift card.
So, what am I looking at,
like 30 bucks?
48.
I'm in for half.
We'll get some jerk chicken
on the way home.
Fine.
HENRY: Hey.
Hey.
Strawberry, huh?
Oh, you gotta taste it.
I'd still go vanilla.
It's good.
Are you kidding me?
That is the best shake
on the planet.
One part ice-cream,
two parts awesome!
It's been a long time
since you called me
for a ride.
Yeah, well, Gus got tired
of waiting for someone
who wasn't gonna show.
All right, look, Shawn.
Here's the thing about
your Uncle Jack.
He'll always come back.
You're not the first to get
duped. You certainly
won't be the last.
Welcome to the club, kid.
I guess I probably owe you
an apology.
I can see now where
Uncle Jack might not have
been the best role model.
Yeah. Maybe not.
Why didn't you say anything
when I was a kid?
Because I always wanted you
to have the...
The "fun uncle"
in your life.
I was only hard on you
because I didn't want
your life to turn out like
the "fun uncle.' '
Well, it didn't.
Not totally.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You know
that penny thing?
Your grandpa
taught me that,
and then I taught it to
Jack when we were kids.
He just took it to
another whole level.
Yeah, he, uh...
He seems to do that a lot.
I still can't believe that
he got away with the gold.
You gotta think that someday
all this stuff is gonna
catch up with him, huh?
Yeah.
And that day might just
be today.
Does Gus know about this?
Oh, yeah.
He's got the rest of it.
Don't worry.
We're donating it
to the museum.
All of it?
Ish.
(STAMMERING)
I saw Jack following us.
I knew he was gonna
show up in the car.
I made the switch when
we were running through
the forest.
So what does Jack have?
(CHUCKLING)
Well done,
Shawnie.
(CHUCKLING) Well done.
Well done.
In between the lines
there's a lot of obscurity
I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity
If it's all right
then you're all wrong
But why bounce around
to the same damn song?
You'd rather run
when you can't crawl
I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth
I know, you know
They just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end
I know, you know
I know, you know
Fergulous.
Shawn, I said no words.
Oh, I see
how it works.
Two weeks ago, we're playing
Scrabble, it's not a word.
Now, suddenly, it is a word
because it's convenient
for you.
Oh, buddy.
Dude, you've got some
peat moss jammed
behind your ear.
It could be infested
with mites.
Mites?
I lost a $200 shoe.
Your dad almost got a
skull fracture. You're
the one who got us into this,
and absolutely nothing
happened to you.
Would you two stop it?
I've been on the other
side of this table
a thousand times.
You tell them only
what they need to know.
What do we say about
Uncle Jack?
He's not here, is he,
Shawn?
Why don't we take care
of ourselves?
We didn't do anything wrong.
We didn't break any laws.
HENRY: Oh, no.
Oh, no. What...
What did you do, Shawn?
Nothing.
It's just that laws
keep changing.
It's getting very challenging
to keep up with them all.
Did you know, for instance,
that it is now illegal
to give a perm to a possum?
What?
HENRY: Shawn.
Did you or did you not
break any laws?
We impersonated priests.
What?
What? We were
professors.
We were priests, Shawn.
(DOOR OPENS)
You gentlemen have a lot of
explaining to do.
You can bet your ass
I'm gonna get to the
bottom of this.
Don't I get a phone call
or something?
No.
Fine. How about
a text message?
I'll be quick.
I just need to respond
"OMG, LOL.' '
Here's a question.
How do you make the face
that's winking, with the
tongue coming out one side?
Mr. Spencer!
Now, by my estimation,
you may be in some
serious trouble here,
so I'm only gonna
ask you this once.
Where's the gold?
It's not quite
as simple as that.
Right, if we were to
really answer that question,
we'd have to go back
quite a while.
How long?
About 20 years.
As the rain thundered down
from the dark night sky,
and 30-foot waves crashed
over his ship,
the great pirate Bouchard
stood on his bow,
pointed at the
California coast and yelled,
"We shall take this land
as ours, men!"
(ALL CHEERING)
Your dad's awesome.
I know.
I'm so glad my dad
didn't come.
I mean, I don't even know
what a manager of debt
consolidation does, anyways.
Except drink.
Rumor has it that Bouchard
was obsessed with searching
for Spanish gold.
They also say he
may have had syphilis
and went crazy
searching for something
that never existed.
But I say
the gold did exist!
(CHILDREN GASPING)
Okay, my dad has to go now.
Thanks, Dad.
See you later. Bye.
What?
(STAMMERING) What
the heck's going on here?
Officer, we're just
in the middle of a class.
Is there a problem
with something?
Yes, there is a problem.
That's not Shawn's dad.
Because I'm Shawn
Spencer's father.
You're not Shawn's dad?
Ah, well, you know,
technically...
Uh, technically,
that is my brother Jack,
who technically
didn't tell me
he was coming to town
and obviously cooked up
this ruse with Shawn
to fool his new teacher.
What were you thinking?
I don't know. I just
thought it would be cooler
if Uncle Jack spoke.
Look, class, I'm sorry to
break this to you, but...
He's not a real
treasure hunter.
And this
is not real gold.
(DISAPPOINTED GROANS)
Kids, my big brother
Henry is absolutely right.
This is not real gold.
But it is real chocolate!
(ALL CHEERING)
What does this have to do
with the gold?
Relax, Lassidophilus,
we're getting there.
Last night...
What can I say,
the movie didn't
make any sense.
Of course it
didn't make any
sense to you.
You came in 20 minutes late,
fell asleep for an hour,
then woke up and asked me
what happened.
You always do this.
What can I say?
They're making the movie
theaters too damn dark.
It makes me sleepy.
So, basically,
I paid $10 for you
to take a nap.
Uh, basically,
I paid.
Dad, someone's
in the house.
Oh, my God!
Let's call the cops.
We should call the cops.
You keep a stun gun
in the birdhouse?
What's under
the garden gnome,
an M-80?
You want me to poke you
in the eyes on the roof?
We're calling
the cops, right?
(SIGHS)
Why aren't we
calling the cops?
Dad, wait!
Stop!
Uncle Jack!
I knew it was you
as soon as I saw the penny.
(LAUGHS) The kid!
Shawn, my boy!
And by the way,
that's a '59 penny.
It's the first year they used
the Lincoln Memorial on it.
I want you to keep it.
Thanks, man.
(SCREAMING)
Jack?
Dude, a hose? Really?
What were you gonna do?
Give him
a high colonic?
Shut up, Shawn.
No, no, no, no.
I get it.
You bust in here,
you blind him in water,
and then you make your
move, baby! Come here, you!
Ah, boys. It seems like
only yesterday I was
bringing you kids
to the track and we were
betting the ponies.
I was the only eight-year-old
kid who knew what a
trifecta meant.
Uncle Jack, I haven't heard
from you since you sent
that email
from Prince Albert's boat
in the Maldives.
Yeah, well, I had to sign
a confidentiality agreement
there, guys.
I can't really
talk about it. Oh!
JACK: By the way,
I got presents for everybody.
Hey, hey, hey!
Got these when I was
excavating near Machu Picchu.
(EXCLAIMS IN AWE)
Dug them up myself.
(BOTH GROWLING)
It's been three years, Jack.
What are you doing here?
Besides breaking into
my house.
Breaking in?
You gave me a key, Henry.
I didn't give you a key.
I don't give anyone keys,
not even Shawn.
Oh, that's not true.
I actually made a copy
a while back.
It was when I was hooked on
Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! on Noggin.
I didn't have cable.
Oh, I also stole your
toilet paper for about a year.
And a huge box of sporks.
I guess you are wondering
why I came back.
I want you to help me find
Bouchard's treasure.
HENRY: Come on,
not that again, Jack!
I hate to break it to you,
little brother,
but Bouchard's treasure
does not, has not,
and will not ever exist.
It's a pipe dream.
Don't listen to him,
Uncle Jack.
He's a dream killer.
Yeah, I understand
his frustration.
All those years spent
listening to me drone on about
the whole treasure thing,
without even a
semblance of proof.
I get it.
One thing confuses me,
though.
If it is just a
figment of my imagination,
where did I get this?
I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth
I know, you know
They just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end
Why do I feel like
he can see us?
No, it's impossible.
He can't see or hear a thing.
That's just weird.
So, what?
We're just gonna let this guy
listen in on everything?
KAREN: It's out of our hands,
Detective.
Now just get in there
and get to the bottom of this.
You got it.
When are we gonna
find out the deal with
the suit-guy in there?
Let's just get back
to the story.
I can't believe your
Uncle Jack actually had
a treasure map.
I can't believe you actually
pretended your uncle
was your dad.
I wanted Gus' dad to do it,
but there was a genealogy
issue I just couldn't resolve.
What else can you tell us
about the Bouchard guy?
We could only remember
bits and pieces of the
Bouchard myth, but
Jack filled us in
on the rest.
JACK: November, 1818.
Bouchard sailed up and down
the California Coast,
searching desperately for the
mythical Spanish gold.
He ravaged and looted the
Mission at Monterey,
was repelled at
San Juan Capistrano,
and finally made land here,
in Santa Barbara,
where he did battle with
a small Spanish garrison
and the Chumash Indians.
Yeah. I remember
reading about that.
They said he made off
with millions in
Spanish gold coins
but his boat sunk off
the coast north of here.
He disappeared and
years later he showed up
in Argentina.
Superior retention of
historic detail, Gus.
Bouchard was also fond of
hiding clues to the treasure's
whereabouts in the maps.
I stumbled upon this one
while researching him
in Argentina.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
First you say you're in
Machu Picchu in Peru,
and all of a sudden,
now you're in Argentina,
so which one is it?
Dad, he's not a suspect.
(SCOFFING) Oh,
he's suspect all right.
Forget him. Forget him, okay?
My big brother's always been
just a little cynical. And
that's what I love about him.
You still haven't answered
my question.
So, what about it, boys?
Wanna be treasure hunters?
Are you kidding me?
That's like asking me if
I want my own jet pack.
Or if I've ever wanted
to be a koala bear.
Okay, I think he means yes.
You can count him in.
And me too.
(LAUGHS) Superb.
Mmm.
You know, I've been reading
a lot about that
detective stuff you do,
and it seems to me
that having a psychic
might be a real asset.
Who knew I had one
in my own family?
Well, Uncle Jack, I...
I don't know.
I'm not really...
I wouldn't necessarily
say psychic.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Stop that right now.
Don't you do that to yourself,
young man.
Do not sell yourself short.
Do not feel embarrassed,
just because you're
a little different.
Didn't I always tell you,
you'd be great, didn't I?
Yeah, you did.
Okay, now here's the plan.
Everything we find,
we split 50-50...
That's after we donate
most of it to a museum,
right?
We are so gonna do that,
Gus.
Right.
You and I are really,
up here,
in sync. Okay.
So the first thing
we need to do is...
Get matching fedoras?
Get matching fedoras?
You're the one who wanted
the fedoras, not me.
Stop changing the story.
My mistake.
He wanted the yellow gauchos.
I said no to that.
Oh, would you please
put me in a separate room
from these idiots?
I will tell you everything.
Just continue.
SHAWN: Jack had told us to
meet him at the front steps
of the mission,
because that was the
first step on the map.
Gus and I could barely
contain our excitement.
I contained mine
a little better.
Okay. Just follow my lead.
Say yes to everything.
Oh, welcome. Welcome.
I'm Karen Raven,
head of the Santa Barbara
Historical Society.
We are delighted to have such
a distinguished professor
as yourself visiting us.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I am Abner Espinoza.
These are my compatriots,
Ernesto Agapito Garces
con y a de Abelar,
and Juan Priestly.
Oh, now I see where you
got the priest thing.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Well, welcome.
Please, come this way.
Now, as you know, most of our
prized collection pieces
are kept away from the public.
But, well, we're happy
to open our doors
for visiting dignitaries,
such as yourselves.
Yes.
(WITH ACCENT) Yes.
Okay, then. Um...
Take as much time
as you need.
And Bill, here,
will be waiting just outside.
All right, boys. We've got
about 10 minutes before the
real Espinoza shows up.
There's a real Espinoza?
Well, technically speaking,
we used to be partners.
He's a great guy,
but we had a
little falling out
when I had a small
dalliance with his wife.
And his sister.
And his housekeeper, Debbie.
Uncle Jack, what's
really going on here?
My research has told me
that there are clues
about the treasure's
whereabouts hidden
somewhere in this room.
And it all has to do
with the number 152.
Why don't we
just use the map?
Well, technically,
there's, uh,
something I haven't told you
about the whole map.
SHAWN: Uncle Jack!
This is a pretty big thing
to leave out.
Yeah, I know. I know.
I know. It's a long story.
A one-legged woman,
a bottle of Cutty Sark...
The point is that the
missing part of the map
is the first step of the hunt.
Now, come on, kid.
Use that psychic gift
you got. Come on.
Oh, boy!
I'm seeing letters,
swarming. They're zinging!
Oh, they're forming words!
They're forming words!
"Couleur.' '
Couleur.
Couleur.
Couleur?
What does that mean?
French... Color... Paint!
Painting. That's it!
Come on, let's go, hurry up!
More!
There's paintings
over there.
Wait, wait, wait!
Go back! Go back!
Hello, Bouchard.
Let me see the map.
Where did you hide that clue,
you old syphilitic sea dog?
I know where the map starts.
And I know where
the first clue is.
Wait. The map was
actually real?
Oh, yeah. We couldn't
believe it.
The lighthouse was
the first clue.
What happened from there?
We didn't make it
to the second clue.
Why not?
Because we weren't the
only ones who found
the lighthouse.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
All right, Spencer,
tell the Chief what you
just told us.
Okay, Chief.
Here goes.
We're so hungry.
I can't get the burrito place
on Coda Street out of my mind.
They're open late.
Gus, children's burrito,
no sauce,
Dad, I know you're a
fan of the carne asada.
All right, Mr. Spencer,
let me be frank.
As long as I can be Dean
and Gus can be Sammy.
Why do I have
to be Sammy?
Fine. He's Sammy.
That makes you Joey Bishop.
Is that what you really want?
You wanna be Joey Bishop?
Shawn?
I'm sorry, Jules.
How often does someone
set you up with
"Let me be Frank"?
Shawn!
Don't forget that you
are in a lot of trouble here.
And I am probably the only
person in this room who cares
to see you get out of it.
Now, it's 2:30 in the morning,
we've been here for hours,
enough with the jokes,
stop delaying, and tell us
what we wanna hear.
Oh, my God. That was so hot.
Spencer, tell the Chief
what you told us
about the guys who
chased you away from
the lighthouse with the guns.
Not just chasing us.
They found us,
hiding in a cabin.
Who were they?
HENRY: Jack's partners.
Because the one thing
that you could count on
with my brother Jackie,
he always had partners.
Jack! What the hell
are you doing?
JACK: Mark, calm down,
will you?
It's all part of the plan.
Wait a second.
You guys know each other?
Oh, yeah.
We were partners.
I thought
we were partners.
Well, technically,
you're all my partners.
Well, I don't know where you
guys went to partner college
but I'm pretty sure
you're not supposed to
shoot at your partners.
Yeah?
Should partners do this?
(GRUNTS)
Maybe we shouldn't use
the word "partners" anymore.
It seems
to make him mad.
(GROANING) Mark.
Kitten, listen,
this is my nephew
Shawn, okay?
He's psychic.
For real.
Works for the cops sometimes.
Fully legitimate, fully.
I only brought him around
to help with the hunt.
And I was just
gonna pay him
a small finder's fee.
That's it.
What's finder's fee?
Is that like 50%?
Not even close.
No.
Not buying it.
You were gonna
sell us out.
Oh! Psychic things
are happening to me!
Oh!
Running down my legs!
Oh, oh!
Oh. Oh.
Welcome. Welcome.
I'm Karen Raven,
head of the Santa Barbara
Historical Society.
You don't worry about
the pregnancy.
Your girlfriend's gonna
be just fine.
Huh? Huh? Huh?
What'd I tell you?
Now, why don't you just
let us go?
We'll all find the treasure.
We'll be stinking,
filthy rich
and live fabulous lives!
No.
Give us the map.
We don't have the map.
Really?
That's too bad.
Okay! It's
in the backpack.
Thanks.
What are you... What...
Wait, just wait.
Wait.
It's in the side pouch.
Hey, Gus, should we tell Mark
that there's a tear
in the map?
Son of a bitch, Jack!
CARLTON: Hold it!
So you just gave them
the map and told them
everything?
No, not everything.
Okay, everything.
So, they found the treasure?
(SCOFFS) Not exactly.
(HORN BLARING)
SHAWN: Okay, I may have
psychically led them down
the wrong path.
The spirit world is just
one of life's little
mysteries.
Like why the Oxygen Network
airs Goodfellas,
or why fools fall in love.
Ow!
Here you go,
Mr. Guster.
This is all they had in
lost and found in your size.
An Ugg boot?
I can't wear an
Ugg boot with...
It'll be dope with
my one Puma.
Now, Mr. Spencer.
BOTH: Yes.
Oh, I meant the older...
Sorry, not old,
less...
Handsome.
Less hair?
Less friends on Facebook?
Less nose.
Oh!
Henry.
Did you fill out a
burglary report
in your house yesterday?
I did.
But nothing was taken.
Oh. And yet, why do I feel
this somehow plays into this
whole mess, doesn't it?
I was the one who
picked them up.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
How did your dad know
where to find you
if that Mark guy took all
your cell phones?
That is a good question.
I have to pee.
No. No way, Shawn.
Well, what am I
supposed to do?
Hold it like a man.
I'll get a urinary tract
infection.
Like a man.
You know what?
You could link your legs
underneath your chairs
and form a wheel
and roll to the bathroom.
I don't even wanna project
how that's gonna happen.
I'm not rolling anywhere.
I don't know why I listened
to either one of you.
No one is gonna find us.
We're probably gonna die
out here.
Gus?
What?
What is that
on your leg?
Nothing.
Dude, you are strapped
with another cell phone?
Well, just call Henry.
Come on!
No, no, no.
We're not calling anyone.
That is my work phone.
For work.
This is work.
My boss is watching
everything I do, Shawn.
Plus, you already
used up half my minutes
waiting on hold for
concert tickets.
That was Tony, Toni, Tone,
and Wet Wet Wet
playing together!
You know I can't resist that.
The symmetry alone...
All right, Gus,
this is our only choice, man.
Fine.
Shawn, reach down
and get it.
Me? I'm not gonna reach down
and get it. You get it.
With what hand?
Fine.
I'll do it.
Hold still.
(GRUNTS)
Stop it!
You're wobbling!
Hold on, now!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Stop flexing.
Ow!
(GRUNTS)
Hold it.
Okay, it's ringing.
MAN: Fu's Palace.
Want to place order?
You must've dialed
the wrong number.
Hi! We're stuck out in
a cabin on Tunnel Road,
can you send help?
For pick-up or delivery?
This is Jack Spencer,
and I'm willing to offer you
a 50-50 split on
pirate treasure!
GUS: Hang up, Shawn.
Hold on.
While he's on the line,
you guys want anything?
GUS: Will you dial it again?
And this time try to dial
the right number.
Look, man, I'm dialing with a
ten-year old Erasermate
in my mouth.
It's not an exact science.
(DIALING)
(PHONE RINGING)
HENRY: You've reached
Henry Spencer.
Leave your name and number,
but speak slowly
because people talk too fast
in these things and I can
never understand it.
(BEEP)
SHAWN: Hey, Dad.
What's going on?
Uh, I got good news.
Great news!
The electric wrench
you've been wanting,
is in stock at Home Depot.
Uh, what else?
I know there was
something else!
Oh! I know.
If you're not too busy,
Gus, Jack and I
are tied up in a cabin
about 100 yards off
Tunnel Road,
right by where we had the
pulled pork sandwiches
that one time.
Shawn?
Spencer, are you gonna
answer my question or not?
How did your dad know
where to find you?
With some people
I can communicate
through psychic wavelengths.
My father is one of them.
Val Kilmer is another.
Here's something I don't
understand. Jack's partner
wanted the map, right?
So, why would they trash
your dad's house?
They'd know Jack wouldn't let
the map out of his sight.
But Mark and his men,
they weren't looking
for a map.
So, what were they
looking for?
You know you're
my boy, Shawn.
Why did you have to go
and give Mark the map?
Because I don't need it.
Uncle Jack, trust me.
I can recreate the map
psychically in my head.
Hey! Hey.
Spare me, kid, okay?
You can't snow the snowman.
We were so close.
HENRY: Stop!
Oh! I feel jittery.
It starts with beans!
Gus likes it in the morning.
Now, he has gas!
Something having to do
with coffee?
Yes! Coffee!
Coffee, coffee, coffee,
coffee table!
Coffee table!
Mark and his goons
weren't looking for the map,
were they?
No, no.
They were looking for
something else. A different
piece of the puzzle.
Something you didn't want
connected to the map at all.
(GASPS)
Oh!
That is downright scary.
Maybe you really do
have a gift, kid.
My bad for doubting it.
You know, this key is also
from Bouchard's stuff
I found in Argentina.
It was useless without
that map.
But if Shawn can
actually recreate that map,
that plus this key
means we are back on track!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Guys,
I gotta hit the head.
But when I come back,
we are finding us
a treasure.
(SHAWN EXHALES)
Hope he bought that.
With Jack, you never know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if that key is real...
Shawn, come on.
Take a look around.
Haven't you had enough?
These guys...
They've destroyed my
living room.
Mark and his goons
aren't gonna stop!
We gotta get back out there!
Dad!
No! No.
Shawn, no!
Just come with us!
Come with us!
Why do you need me?
It's not that we need you.
We want you.
Plus, we need you.
We need your truck,
because my car is still
at the lighthouse
and Mark has the key.
There you go,
thank you very much.
Sorry, count me out.
Shocker!
(CHUCKLING) Okay, guys, ready?
Good. All we gotta do now
is borrow a car.
Now, technically,
the term is hot-wiring.
However...
I'm in. But I drive,
I'm the one who decides
if and when we go
to the police.
I don't want any
more surprises.
Do you understand?
Yes, Dad!
Big bro! I knew you'd
come around.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, psychic,
what's the next step?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Shawn?
The key will guide us now.
(CHUCKLING) I love this!
50-50 split between me
and you guys!
HENRY: No more surprises,
right, Jack?
Of course.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
GUS: Tell me this, Shawn.
How are we supposed
to find clues
from a bell tower that
hasn't been around for
over 100 years?
The Presidio was huge.
It would've taken up
several blocks.
JACK: So, what should we
do now?
There's only one thing
we can do. Go back in time.
The bell tower's
calling me!
Shawn!
Come on!
Shawn, wait up!
Shawn!
(GRUNTS)
This is it.
This is where the
bell tower stood!
Well, what do we do now?
Let's buy some mufflers.
He doesn't even
own a car.
I bet you,
I end up paying for these.
(SHAWN SIGHS)
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah,
I'll survive.
What're we doing
up here, Shawn?
I'm not sure yet.
But that's part of the fun,
isn't it?
We are good to go.
The manager said we can take
as much time as we need.
Alvin. Good guy.
Filipino.
He loved me.
And Jack offered him
50% of the treasure.
I also gave him an '82 penny.
First year they used
zinc instead of copper.
Okay. What is the deal
with you and all these
pennies?
JULIET: Yeah,
I don't get that either.
So, Jack collects them
and then leaves them places?
What's that about?
Jack was always
interested in history.
Collecting pennies was his way
of being a part of it.
But leaving the pennies was
his own personal philosophy.
See, Uncle Jack
always said...
I leave the penny,
because it's good luck.
And Lord knows,
the world could use
some more good luck.
Are you for real?
HENRY: All right, Shawn,
what're we doing up here?
You think that when
Bouchard captured the fort,
he stood up here,
on the bell tower, gazing out
into the big blue ocean,
looking for a place
to hide the treasure?
If I were a French pirate,
with a bad temper and
at least one venereal disease,
where would I be looking?
(SIGHS)
That's it.
That's it, right there!
We're so close. Let's go!
Hey!
How did he find us?
He's got the map.
He must've figured it out.
Come on! Let's go!
(SCREAMS)
Shawn! Shawn!
(GRUNTING)
I can't lose my Puma, Shawn!
(SCREAMS)
I got it!
This is it!
This is the bluff
from the map!
Uncle Jack!
I know this probably isn't
the right time to say this,
but dude!
I think we're gonna get
to ride in a helicopter.
You're obligated to let me
speak to them.
I'm not obligated to
make you do anything.
Chief, perhaps
you should see this
one more time.
No, I don't need to see
the letter one more time.
Jules. Lassy,
what's going on out there?
What's the deal with that guy?
He didn't say a word to us
when he brought us in.
His name is Andres Candalaria.
He works for the Spanish
government.
Apparently, he's part of
some inter-governmental task
force on stolen antiquities.
(KAREN CLEARS THROAT)
Hello, Mr. Spencer.
I believe you know
why you're here.
And I believe you know
I know why I'm here.
Now, why am I here?
To help us find the treasure
that rightly belongs to
my government.
But we didn't
find anything.
S?.
And my men have been searching
the bluffs all night,
as well, with no luck.
That's because you stopped
us one step short.
Your treasure is not
in the bluffs, che.
(EXCLAIMING)
The spirits are guiding
my man paw!
It's like... it's like that
movie, Idle Hands.
Except with no nudity,
which means, I must be
completely unwatchable
right now.
Do either of these words
mean anything to anyone?
It could be the clue
we're looking for.
"Cueva" is Spanish for cave.
"Couleur" could be French.
I think it means paint.
I spent a semester in Paris.
Got salmonella poisoning
and lost 20 pounds.
Best diet ever!
Painted caves! That's it.
Bouchard was French,
but he was fascinated
with the Chumash Indians.
Whoa, whoa! Chumash Indians.
Well, they used to
paint caves all over the area.
We used to roust punks
in there from drinking
all the time.
"Roust punks"?
Thank you, Jack Lord.
We will now lead you
to the treasure.
I know the cave.
Very well. Let's go.
Stop. You are
not doing this.
The only reason
I brought these men here,
in the first place,
was because Spencer
would not talk with us
unless he was
in the station.
Okay. Look, I said we would
cooperate with you, but they
are employees of the SBPD,
and they're not going anywhere
without my detectives.
Chief, we have been through
this, no? This is from
your Treasury Department,
giving me full power
to call the shots.
Now, I thank you
for your help,
but it will no longer
be needed.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Sorry.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
I can't believe we're actually
digging for buried treasure.
I know, dude.
And you're getting your
pants totally dirty
and you don't even care.
I'm so proud of you.
Keep digging!
(METAL CLANKING)
"HB.' '
That could be for
Hippolyte de Bouchard!
Or Harry Belafonte.
No.
No, that doesn't
make any sense.
Just get it out.
(GRUNTING)
Oh my God.
It's real.
(LAUGHING) S?.
ANDRES: Well done.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You should know the
Spanish government owes you
a great debt of gratitude.
Now, could I please have
the coins?
(EXCLAIMING) Before
we do that,
I should tell you,
I know three things that you
probably don't know.
Uno,
the secret of NIM
and the secret of my success?
Same secret.
Dos, I know that
you don't work for the
Spanish government.
(CHUCKLES)
And tres,
these caves are actually
quite slippery.
(GRUNTING)
What are you doing?
Bag! Bag! Bag! Bag! Bag!
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
What is going on?
Why are we running?
Why did we leave the caves?
Hey!
Shawn! Shawn!
What happened to your
other Puma?
You gotta be kidding me!
I lost another shoe?
Let's go.
This way!
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Jack!
Jack!
Yes!
Hey, guys.
I told you I'd come back.
I've been tracking you
the whole time. You, uh,
have the treasure?
This is it.
(EXCLAIMING) I always
believed in you, kid. I always
knew you were special.
(ANDRES SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Ah, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't come in here.
We gotta split up for safety.
Listen, they're not gonna
hurt you if you don't
have the gold.
Believe me. I know what
I'm talking about.
What?
Come on! Let's have it.
Remember the place
on Foothill,
where I used to take you
when you were a kid,
get you burgers and shakes?
Yeah, it's Red Robin.
It's still there.
That's the one.
Meet you there in an hour.
I'll be there.
Yee-haw!
MARK: Damn it!
You gave him the gold,
didn't you?
Hey! That's my gold.
Who the hell are you?
If there were doves
flying around,
we'd be in a John Woo movie.
MARK: Son of a bitch.
I'm going to kill Jack.
Oh, you know Jack?
He was my partner.
He was my partner!
Uh, technically,
Iron Giant guy,
he was all of our partners.
And the guy who answers
the phone at Fu's Palace.
And the guy at the
muffler shop.
Good catch, Gus.
Look, fellas, we're just
gonna roll on out,
if that's cool.
Let you settle your
business here.
Not so fast.
Why don't we just take the
nephew and ransom his ass
for the gold?
We have no other choice.
No, no, no, no!
(STAMMERING) You always
have a choice.
You could ransom Gus' ass.
You could swirl it up.
You could ransom half my ass
and half his ass.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
Drop it!
Hands in the air!
Shawn, you know I don't
curse very often. So when
I do, you know I mean it.
What the hell just happened?
I thought you weren't
a big fan of the wrap up.
All right,
I'll give it to you.
So, back at station,
I realize Andres' accent
isn't Spanish,
it's Argentinean.
And that's where Uncle Jack
just got back from,
so I figure he's one of
Jack's partners.
How did you know
that?
He worked in that winery in
Argentina for a year.
I kept the postcards.
You did?
I use them as beer coasters.
Okay, Shawn, but...
So that's why I called
Andres "che,"
to see if he'd react.
Which he did.
Because in Argentina,
"che" is slang
for "buddy" or "pal.' '
Sort of like I call you
"black star" or "home skillet"
or "big baby Burton.' '
Don't ever call me
"home skillet.' '
Right.
But why didn't you
tell anybody?
I did.
She knew just what to
do with it.
Sorry, Jules.
HENRY: Doesn't matter
what happened.
The important thing is
you guys are safe
and nobody got hurt.
Now, let's get out of here.
I'm too old to be staying up
all night.
Can't believe
I lost my other shoe.
Dude, I will buy you
another pair.
Just tell me
you didn't really drop
200 bones on sneakers.
No, Shawn.
I was making a point.
How much were
they, really?
80 bucks.
And I had $32 left
on my Foot Locker gift card.
So, what am I looking at,
like 30 bucks?
48.
I'm in for half.
We'll get some jerk chicken
on the way home.
Fine.
HENRY: Hey.
Hey.
Strawberry, huh?
Oh, you gotta taste it.
I'd still go vanilla.
It's good.
Are you kidding me?
That is the best shake
on the planet.
One part ice-cream,
two parts awesome!
It's been a long time
since you called me
for a ride.
Yeah, well, Gus got tired
of waiting for someone
who wasn't gonna show.
All right, look, Shawn.
Here's the thing about
your Uncle Jack.
He'll always come back.
You're not the first to get
duped. You certainly
won't be the last.
Welcome to the club, kid.
I guess I probably owe you
an apology.
I can see now where
Uncle Jack might not have
been the best role model.
Yeah. Maybe not.
Why didn't you say anything
when I was a kid?
Because I always wanted you
to have the...
The "fun uncle"
in your life.
I was only hard on you
because I didn't want
your life to turn out like
the "fun uncle.' '
Well, it didn't.
Not totally.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You know
that penny thing?
Your grandpa
taught me that,
and then I taught it to
Jack when we were kids.
He just took it to
another whole level.
Yeah, he, uh...
He seems to do that a lot.
I still can't believe that
he got away with the gold.
You gotta think that someday
all this stuff is gonna
catch up with him, huh?
Yeah.
And that day might just
be today.
Does Gus know about this?
Oh, yeah.
He's got the rest of it.
Don't worry.
We're donating it
to the museum.
All of it?
Ish.
(STAMMERING)
I saw Jack following us.
I knew he was gonna
show up in the car.
I made the switch when
we were running through
the forest.
So what does Jack have?
(CHUCKLING)
Well done,
Shawnie.
(CHUCKLING) Well done.
Well done.
In between the lines
there's a lot of obscurity
I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity
If it's all right
then you're all wrong
But why bounce around
to the same damn song?
You'd rather run
when you can't crawl
I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth
I know, you know
They just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end
I know, you know
I know, you know