Psych (2006–2014): Season 1, Episode 6 - Weekend Warriors - full transcript
Someone is shot during one of Lassiter's Civil War reenactment rehearsals, and Shawn and Gus join the group to solve the murder.
"For every action,
there is an opposite
and equal reaction."
Who? Isaac newton, third law of motion.
And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone? Shawn.
You push, they push back.
Correct. Why?
Because man is a stupid creature
who'd rather fight than use his brain.
And what idiot said that?
Both: You did.
The name of the game is survival, sports fans.
In order to survive, you've got to fight.
And if you fight, you better damn well win.
Because if you don't win, and you don't use your brain, then what happens? Gus?
You lose?
And for this troop, that is not an option. Comprende?
Both: Sir, yes, sir!
Because losing is for lowlifes. Losing is for quitters.
Are you boys lowlifes? Are you boys quitters?
Both: Sir, no, sir!
Troop 101, ten-hut!
Gentlemen, we are about to embark on
the junior bobcat manual's infamous exercise number 32,
the launching of a solid fuel rocket.
Now, one of you lucky grunts is gonna nab this thing
and you're gonna haul ass back to me.
The prize? A hot fudge sundae.
But if you lose? What does the loser get, Shawn?
He gets to look on with envy.
That is correct. He gets to look on with envy.
Because that, gentlemen, is the American way.
On your marks.
(TICKING)
Ready.
Set.
Go!
What's this?
A parachute.
I sent you after a rocket.
Shawn? Where's my rocket?
I thought he had it.
A shortcut! You took a shortcut!
A shortcut, huh?
Prove it.
I'll tell you what, I beat you this time,
I'm eating the sundae.
Ooh, just in time.
For what?
The annual civil War re-enactors meltdown.
The event isn't until next weekend.
Yeah, but this is the best part, the rehearsal.
This is what they should charge for.
Form battle lines!
Prepare muskets!
Is that Lassister? Yes, it is.
What died on his face?
Charge!
(MEN YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
Stop, stop, stop! Stop!
(HORN BLOWING)
Okay, guys, that was better.
(STAMMERING) Really. It was good, actually.
Okay, it wasn't good.
Look, guys,
I know I promised last week that I wasn't going to give any more notes.
But, guys, come on, that last charge, it was...
how do I say this?
It was a soul-sucking embarrassment
that made me ashamed to wear the uniform.
(MEN SCOFFING)
Luke Bauer? Where's Luke?
Colonel Lassister, sir!
Luke, what did I say about the bayonet gag, huh?
Too much. There's gonna be kids watching this, all right?
We don't want the people in the grandstands to vomit.
Okay, I know we haven't reenacted this one for a while.
But the battle at Piper's cove, Kentucky, 1864,
is special to me.
It ended Confederate Quantrill's plot to assassinate Lincoln.
And it involved my great-great-grandfather, Colonel Muscum T. Lassister...
Muscum?
What the hell is a Muscum?
It was a very common name of the era.
History channel.
ESPN, Gus. Channel 206. I'm begging you.
Hey, Jules! Wanna join?
Oh, can i?
I don't know. Do you have your own hoop-skirt?
I rent one.
Sally Reynolds, front and center.
You missed your cue, Sally.
The cannon fired, yet no Sally.
I got stuck in the hospital tent.
Sergeant Menish had a quick question about his homeowner's policy.
How touching. However, today you are not here to sell insurance, Sally.
Today you are here to help me win the civil War.
And according to our battle plan,
when the fifth cannon fires you exit the hospital tent
and you shoot Captain Quantrill off his horse.
There's no need to get nasty.
I agree. It was totally out of line.
Sorry, I didn't think you could hear that!
Sally, sweet Sally.
If you do not point your gun at Captain Quantrill
and fire at the prescribed moment,
the audience will not be able to make heads nor tails of what we are doing.
And it will appear as if the evil Captain Quantrill,
now being portrayed by our horrifyingly method-acting Nelson Poe
who happened to roll way off his mark, by the way,
fell off his horse
and is lying here for no apparent reason at all.
Get up, Nelson.
Nelson, I swear to god, if you're sleeping through rehearsal again...
I said get up!
Okay, either that guy is a phenomenal actor
or he's dead.
♪ ♪ I know, you know that I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know they just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♪ ♪
oh, come on, let me in on this. No.
I was there. Inexplicably drawn to the scene.
I was meant to solve this case.
It's sort of like a miracle.
You have been out there every weekend we've rehearsed.
And don't think I didn't see you
trying to throw m&ms in the injured soldiers' mouths.
Okay, first of all, those were skittles,
and they have a rainbow of flavors.
The answer is still no. Beat it.
Oh! Hold it! I'm suddenly seeing Nelson.
The bullet, traveling through the air,
tearing, ripping, pain...
the bullet went straight through his heart.
This was not an accident, detective!
I don't know how you know that, and I don't give a rat's ass.
This case is personal.
One of my soldiers was killed on my watch.
And i, not you, am going to clean it up.
We clear?
I wouldn't have gone with something as traditional as "we clear? "
You could've gone foreign, right? Comprende? Capisci?
Could have had a little fun with it. You dig my gist, sweet pants?
These are just suggestions.
...and to you, the central reenactment committee,
I say as of today, the event next weekend is still on,
pending an investigation.
Now, most of you are cops.
Should we find any evidence that this was not an accident and do not make an arrest,
we will re-evaluate at that time.
Now that said, detective Lassister,
I want to know how, I want to know who, I want to know why.
(GROANS)
Oh, it...
It's kind of hard to get off. It takes a long time to unstick the glue.
All right.
(RIPPING)
Ooh! Man: Oh, yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thank you, Chief.
Pending the coroner's report,
I'd have to say there are no indications of foul play.
The general consensus is that a live round got mixed in with our blanks.
Mr. Mahoney is the regiment's munitions expert and jeweler,
one of Santa Barbara's finest. He can expand on this.
Mr. Mahoney.
As you know, detective, we had live-round target practice
this past weekend.
Along with you, we assumed a musket ball
got stuck in one of our rifles,
laid there unseen,
and then a blank was inserted during the last rehearsal...
poor Nelson. A terrible, terrible, tragic accident.
The battles meant so much to him.
Anyway, this is an official police investigation.
So let's focus on our schematic and nail down the specifics.
Detective O'Hara, please.
Hey.
What's the deal, why do you keep staring at me?
One. It's our understanding
that the victim was shot off his horse
at the top of the creek bank here...
(GUNSHOT)
And then rolled
to the creek bed here.
Two. We know Nelson was facing west,
so we're gonna focus our attentions here
on the opposite bank where we assume the shot originated.
Assume.
Detective? Spencer?
What about three, the missing bullet?
I saw it ripping through Nelson's body,
in through the front, out through the back.
And it still hasn't been found.
Wait. How do you know all that?
Lassy, you wanna take this one?
He had an "episode" in the hallway.
Look, I can handle this myself.
Nelson, Nelson, you're going to have to speak up. You're teeny!
You were shot through the heart?
Now, that was privileged information!
I didn't say anything.
(SHUSHING) Are you sure about this?
It's bold, but I'll run with it.
He says people don't get shot through the heart by accident.
He says he was murdered.
You're hired.
You told them what?
Gus, she was hot, and she was dressed as a nurse.
You know how I feel about that.
Oh, come on, what was I supposed to do, not impress her?
Plus, the tiny figurine made a very convincing argument.
I don't know how you're gonna prove murder with two lousy bullet holes.
Oh, relax. I did some checking on Nelson Poe, nobody liked him.
Ever. And second of all...
What?
Dude, I don't have a second of all.
And we know Nelson was on top of the ridge, facing the union soldiers
over here when he was shot. So SchWartz, take team a,
check out that high grass.
O'Hara, take team b, start going over the ridge.
Do it.
Men: Yes, sir.
(CHUCKLING)
Find something amusing?
Mildly amusing. More odd.
Delightful, in a queer sort of way.
For your edification, the reenactment of the battles...
edification?
Yeah, edification.
Is that legal? Like, in public. Public edification's legal?
It means for your information...
why didn't you just say that?
For your edification, the reenactment of battles,
battles fought by our forefathers to preserve this union,
is a sacred trust.
What are you guys doing here, anyway?
I'm a bit of a civil War buff.
I'm reading the dirt.
The trees. The hot dog stand.
No real information there, but they do great sauerkraut.
I may even be able to help you name a suspect.
Look, I told you, we're 95º% sure this was an accidental shooting.
What about the other 5º%?
If I am wrong, we will hold a press conference,
you two will be cordially invited to say "I told you so."
Seems fair. Hey... can I wear your face wig?
What are you doing?
Shockingly, Lassister is holding out on us.
I do not think that he thinks that this was an accident.
What do you mean?
I saw three names checked off the roster on his clipboard.
What names?
Gus, I thought you'd never ask.
What is this? The battlefield.
Based on what? The briefing room board at the police station.
You did this from memory? Yes.
You said you saw it for two minutes.
Right, two whole minutes.
You got problems.
Factoid! The musket is accurate from 30 yards.
Poe.
G.c.
G. C?
George Cheslow.
George Cheslow? From sixth grade?
Little Georgie!
He's, like, a dentist now.
Really?
See you in six months.
We go in, we check it out.
See if George Cheslow had any reason to murder somebody.
Pop out.
Mr. Guster. The dentist will see you now.
Sweet. Whoa!
Me? My teeth are gorgeous. You said the appointment was for you.
Right. For me to do some snooping.
Because I'm a much better snooper than you are.
You just keep him occupied.
Occupied how?
(MUMBLING UNINTELLIGIBLY)
Gus, stop it. Be a man.
What's he saying? He says his teeth are gorgeous.
I'm sorry, Shawn, but the reason you have to be here, too, is?
George, Gus has phobias. And being alone in a dentist chair is one.
He could snap at any moment.
This is actually for your own protection.
Last time he bit off an index finger.
Thankfully, I was there. They were able to save everything but the nail.
Oops. Pardonne-moi.
Honey, can I talk to you for a minute?
Oh, sure. Gentleman, duty calls.
Oh, and the credit card won't go through. Do you have any cash?
Oh, sure.
I've got tennis, then dinner with Karen.
Okay, I'll hit an ATM, that's...
don't wait up if I'm late.
Oh, okay. All right. Bye, sweetie. Good shopping.
(GROWLS AFFECTIONATELY)
Ah, yes.
George, I heard you got married, but, wow, huh?
I know what you're thinking, "what's wrong with this picture? "
But, you know, where is it written
that the ugly guy never gets the girl?
Everywhere, man. Yeah.
(THUDDING)
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
No, we're fine. We're better, you're fine. Don't worry about it.
Let's see here.
So how is married life treating you these days, George?
Everything... everything solid?
Why are you snooping around here, Shawn?
You think I did this
because Erlene was having an affair with Poe?
Huh? You didn't know.
Of course I knew, George. I'm a psychic.
It was over, completely over.
I'm beyond it and Erlene's beyond it.
At least, I think she is. I...
I had some gauze...
it's right... if I could just...
oh, there you go. Thank you.
George, do you wear your glasses out on the battlefield?
Oh, I want to, but Lassister won't let me.
He says they're not of the period.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
Gus here doesn't think you did it.
Neither does Shawn.
Well, thanks, guys, I appreciate that. Oops!
Oops? Small cavity.
I don't have any cavity in my mouth...
it's right on the surface. Don't worry about it.
(EXCLAIMING)
There we go. There's my trooper.
Listen, Georgie, nobody's drilled my mouth for anything...
(MUMBLING UNINTELLIGIBLY)
George?
Why am I surprised?
It is a funny coincidence. Hey, Jules.
George, I hate to say this,
but you're under arrest for the murder of Nelson Poe.
What? On what grounds?
You said it was an accident.
We discovered a stack of love letters at Nelson's house
indicating he was having an affair with your wife
and that you had threatened to kill him.
(SCOFFING) Oh, come on.
I am so disappointed in you.
All right. Okay, okay, okay.
(MUMBLING) You got the wrong man.
What did he say?
You've got the wrong man.
First, I told you so.
Secondly, I think George Cheslow is an innocent man.
Yeah, you know, he's right. We do have a paper-thin case.
I mean, all we've got is motive, means and opportunity.
Look, guys. I had a dream last night.
I was sipping iced wine with a baby tree monkey.
And I fell and I landed in a wooded area.
And that's where I saw Nelson Poe get shot.
Only, in my dream, the shooter was much closer than I originally thought.
This is a Minie' ball, am I right?
Where did you get this? Your desk.
Now, it's common knowledge that Minie' balls cause huge gaping holes in human flesh
which leads to a quandary in my dream.
Why was Nelson Poe's exit wound so small?
If George Cheslow had been in that wooded area,
he was way too far to make a shot that caused such a little hole.
Whoever shot Nelson was much, much closer.
And this "whoever" would be...
Engelbert Humperdinck.
So you've got nothing.
Thank you for the random speculation. Goodbye.
Mr. Spencer, if you can't name names, I'm afraid he's right this time.
Fine, I'll get you a name.
And I'm gonna get you a woman.
"Afraid he's right"? "This time"?
It's a gift, actually, for my son. A surprise of sorts.
This way he, my son, will be able to keep track of time for a change.
Kid was late at birth, he's been late ever since.
Now, he is going to have a gold pocket watch just like mine.
I've had mine for 30 years.
I see. Now, the inscription. What would you like it to say?
"Shawn,
"don't lose this watch, Henry Spencer."
Spencer.
What, too much?
No, no. It's just that your son is no doubt familiar with your last name.
It might contradict the sentiment.
All right, what would you suggest?
"Love, dad"?
"Love, dad." well, why don't you just put "kissy, kissy"?
Right, too mushy. No problem.
So, before we go any further, let's see.
Vintage gold pocket watch. Gold chain.
Taxes and engraving, comes to a total of...
wait, wait, wait.
Where's my discount? I'm ex-cop. Half the regiment's cop.
I thought we agreed on $400.
Oh, yes, we did. But at $4 per engraved letter,
that adds a total of $210.
All right, take away "Shawn," "this watch", "Spencer."
How much does that come out to?
$56 for the engraving plus tax,
$460 even.
And what does the revised inscription read?
"Don't lose, Henry."
Clean, to the point. I like it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
Mr. Guster, I know you said you didn't want to be interrupted,
but there is a lieutenant crunch here to see you.
Crunch?
Actually, I've been promoted.
It's Captain crunch.
Thank you.
Not in a thousand years.
Dude, we're joining that regiment. No, we are not.
They're down to 30 guys. Please, I have a meeting in...
and this mystery is still wide open.
Gus, think about it. Camping out under the stars.
Living history. Eating beans and rotten meat with men who reek of valor.
There's just one thing you haven't considered
in this perfect scenario of yours, Shawn.
That's not true. I've considered everything.
Really? And what role would I play in this production of yours?
I don't... what do you...
what role would I play
in the midst of all those hardcore
down-to-the-last-detail civil War re-enactors?
Would I be... no.
Gus, no.
Okay, then maybe would I be... never.
Who are you talking to? You're talking to me. This is me.
Then what, Shawn? What would I be?
Because I tell you, there is no way, no way, that I would ever, never ever...
may I please tell you what I was thinking?
What?
I was thinking glory.
I was thinking Denzel.
Did you just say Denzel? As in Denzel Washington?
No, the other Denzel.
Of course. And we'll put you on a horse,
and we'll give you your own sword.
You're gonna have a chestful of medals.
You can be anything you want. You can be a pilot.
The air force wasn't formed until World War 1.
That's fair. So you can't be a pilot.
Look, I called Mr. Mahoney, he's Mr. Uniform,
and I told him to make you something spectacular.
Denzel Washington.
Captain Mahoney, you said we needed recruits? Voilà.
Welcome aboard, son. I didn't expect you back so soon.
Don't know if the uniforms are ready yet.
But it is spectacular?
You saw glory? This is the best we had.
Well, come along.
I told you.
Gus: Wow, Captain, it's quite an establishment you've got here.
My sanctum sanctorum.
Fine jewelry, yes. Even my vintage pocket watch collection.
But above all, the finest civil War memorabilia
and props west of the Mississippi.
I can attest to that. I've repaired nearly half of them.
Sally. I am so happy to see you,
though I'm a little disappointed you're not wearing your nurse's uniform.
Griffin called me, frantic, saying we needed one more outfit.
You okay with that?
I sure am. It's just a shame you didn't dress me.
Still time for that.
Aside from reenacting,
Sally insures half the regiment.
Auto policies, homeowners. Even theft.
Speaking of which, griff, I'm thinking of insuring my legs.
Sort of like Mary Hart.
What do you think, three, five million a haunch?
Keep in mind my calves are like carved marble.
That's not the kind of policy she writes.
So she wrote yours?
Of course. And it's worth more than both your legs put together.
Does that policy include plastic explosives?
'Cause I see that you're packing C-4. Is this authentic?
Better yet, is it even legal?
For the reenactments. We fudge the fireworks sometimes.
Our audience goes wild every year
when the fake cannon fire showers them with dirt.
What do we have here?
C.S. Richmond high hump. .58-caliber percussion loader. Iron Ramrod.
Good lord, Burton, you are a wonk.
What the heck?
Sorry. Sorry. The battlefield can be pretty messy at times.
What about these jars with the buttons in them?
For the super hardcores. They soak their brass in urine.
You ready to try this thing on?
Sure.
Dude, you look awesome.
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
Gus: Are you sure there's not another uniform?
Yeah. But, I'm checking with the Ventura Association.
Personally, I think you look dashing.
I always loved the marching band.
It's not so much me as it is Mickelson. He's good.
Shawn, we're supposed to be roughing it.
Gus, for your edification, they don't have Tivo out here.
Hi, Sally Reynolds.
Keep an eye on those patties.
Shall we?
Let's go somewhere dark. You can give me a history lesson.
Captain Quantrill, he's the guy that burned down the abolitionist town?
Lawrence, Kansas, 1863.
A year later they were hell-bent on assassinating Lincoln.
But Lassiter's great- great-granddad, Muscum,
he stopped 'em cold on the bridge, yeah?
Sort of like a noble calling, right?
Something like that.
And the nurse you portray, who's that?
Jenny Winslow.
She lost her husband and two sons at Lawrence.
She wanted revenge, and she got it.
And what about you, Sally Reynolds?
What do you want?
Shouldn't you already know?
Why, because I'm psychic?
My aunt used to think she was a psychic.
She got predictions wrong all the time.
Then she'd get the smallest random detail right,
and she'd say, "you see? "
So, what you're saying is that you doubt me?
That hurts my feelings.
Well, you still haven't guessed what I want.
Damn it!
Shawn? What happened?
Gus.
I know how Nelson Poe was killed.
Good morning, father.
Good morning, your highness.
I lost your pocket watch.
(BEEPING)
The truth, Shawn, you're not really my son, are you?
Because I gave you a watch with the inscription "don't lose."
And what is the first thing that you do?
I lose the watch. You lose the watch!
Well, here's a news flash, dad. My birthday wasn't yesterday, okay?
It was four months ago.
Yeah, well, here's a newsflash for you, kid.
After you were born, it took you four months to smile at me.
That's when the clock started ticking.
Look, Shawn, I appreciate this newfound respect that you've got for time,
but what the hell are you doing out here in the boonies
with an antique gold pocket watch?
I don't know, trying to clear an innocent man named George Cheslow?
(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)
It's a button.
All right, look, this case of yours, I...
I've been thinking about it and...
really?
What? No, I haven't been "thinking."
Look, killing your wife's lover is something that's rarely planned.
It usually just happens.
So even if this dentist Cheslow did plan it,
he's not gonna be some numb nuts hanging around waiting for love letters
that are gonna point the cops in his direction, right?
Exactly. He's not gonna hang around like a numb nuts.
So here's the deal. I think Nelson rolled into this creek
and was shot from that tree right up there.
And you figured this out last night
when you fell on your ass down here by yourself.
Right on my ass.
Now all I need to do is find the missing bullet.
And how and where do we find this missing bullet?
(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)
How about right here?
Shawn, what about the watch?
You mean this watch?
Hey, I needed a metal detector.
Target was out of stock. And you won't let anyone use yours, so...
hey, I found the bullet.
Well, hey, you didn't find the killer, did you?
You need to find the killer.
Hell of an exit.
P.S., you look like an idiot.
I am Warning you, he'd better not be wasting my time.
Honestly, detective, I've never seen him so excited before.
"Four score and seven years ago... "
Shawn!
"Ask not what your country can do for you... "
Gus: Shawn! "... but what you can do for... "
Gus? Is that you? Shawn!
Yellow! All I see is yellow.
Yellow and the number two.
I'm already getting a bad feeling here.
There's lead. No, graphite.
Fine, I'll play. A pencil?
Yes, a yellow pencil.
You see a yellow pencil?
Yes. Where?
I'm not sure. Please, help me, detective, please.
A little to your left.
Back to your right.
Oh, you are getting Warm, you are so Warm!
Oh, gosh!
You're burning up! How can you stand that?
Great, you found a pencil. Now we can all take the S.A.T.'s.
There's more. The evidence, the critical evidence,
it's there, just look closer.
Look closer.
(GROANING)
Shawn: That's it. Gus.
That's it. That's the bullet that killed Poe.
And I bet when I run it through ballistics, it's gonna match
(CELL PHONE RINGING) George Cheslow's musket.
No, you're wrong, it's not Cheslow.
O'Hara. Yeah. We're on our way.
It's a 439 in progress.
Four thirty-nine? Yeah.
We gotta go.
(STUTTERING) wait, I was...
I'm not finished! There's more!
E-mail me!
Juliet! I found the bullet! I...
should we go?
No.
No. Let's run through this
from the killer's point of view.
Okay, Nelson was shot from up here.
Let's do a list.
Okay. One.
The killer climbs the tree, like so.
Right. Two?
He gets ready to shoot from here.
Three.
Three. Nelson rolls down the creek, way past his mark.
Four.
Looks up, sees the bad guy.
Okay, which means Nelson wasn't the original target!
Bingo. He interrupted the plan.
Okay, look up there and see if you see a notch.
You know, that would steady a gun.
A notch.
Yeah, like a notch.
It should lead us to the intended target.
That's not a notch.
That's a notch.
The hospital tent.
Dude, I think I got it. What?
Sally Reynolds.
Sally Reynolds? Sally Reynolds.
Why would someone want to kill Sally Reynolds?
I have no idea.
Man: Folks, our Civil War re-enactment has begun.
Hey, what's up, guys?
You're going to get a call from a very irate Sally Reynolds
saying two guys just drove by and stole her dress. Just ignore it, okay?
What the hell are you guys doing? Sally was the target.
Shawn's gonna put on that dress and wait for someone to shoot him.
Right, but the plan sounds a lot better when you don't say it like that.
Listen, detective, we have reason to believe
that the intended target was Sally Reynolds.
Now, we've stolen her dress
and we're gonna catch the yellow-bellied son of a bitch red-handed.
I forced the ending, that's horrible.
So, risking getting shot is the only way to solve the case?
Absolutely. Then we should stop the battle.
No, we can't. It's too late.
They're gonna start in less than a minute. Listen, Juliet,
please let us go?
I can't let you do that.
(GROANING)
You're a civilian. It's too dangerous.
It's fine.
We'll spot the guy well before he gets a shot off.
I'll do it. I'll do it. What?
Juliet?
Charge!
(ALL YELLING)
(Juliet EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
Careful, Gus! Sorry!
Just take a deep breath. Okay.
Gus: I don't think these dresses were intended to fit over a bulletproof vest.
Remember, we will be out there watching. Got you.
To catch the bad guy before you get shot. I understand.
But just in case, I want you to bob left, weave right.
Traditional bob and weave, no reason to get fancy out there.
And don't become an easy target.
I did go to the academy.
Or you could die.
Right.
Now remember, the fifth cannon boom is your cue
to shoot whoever's playing Quantrill.
Shawn: Right. Wait, how do you know that?
Gus: I read the manual. Didn't you?
I didn't open the manual, it was like War and peace.
There were 17 chapters. It's the manual, Shawn.
It was this thick... Juliet: Hey.
Hey. Gus: Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. All about you right now. All right, you're a champion.
Now go out there and catch us a killer.
Juliet, please be careful.
And don't die.
Shawn: How many times you gonna say die? Shawn, just get...
you're putting the word "die" into her head. She knows there's a killer!
Juliet: Guys? Yeah?
A favor. Sure! Name it.
Kick me.
Do what?
Kick me! Shawn: Okay!
(GUNS FIRING)
Now what?
Now we get ready to find a killer.
(MEN SHOUTING)
Shawn: Here it comes. The moment of truth.
Gus: Where's our killer?
That's weird. Nobody came.
Well, at least Juliet is out of danger now.
Shawn: What?
Well, I wonder where this leads.
Watch your head.
Oh, did you get sewage on your feather?
We've crossed to the other side of the creek bed.
Yeah, the police accounted for all of the union soldiers.
But nobody's considered that the murderer could have come from this side.
After all, this was the bad side, right?
You know that's right.
May I ask, who goes out on the battlefield without their boots?
Maybe someone has bunions.
Bunions, Gus? Really? That's what you're bringing to the table?
I'm trying to solve a murder here.
I deal with bunions at work every day, Shawn.
They hurt... they hurt people.
That's a perfectly logical assumption.
Oh, yeah? What about this? No tunic.
This is Mahoney's!
What?
The brass button.
(WHISPERING) Mahoney did it.
That's why he had that sticky musket.
He must've gotten sap on it from that notch in the tree.
Wait. This doesn't track. Why kill Sally? She's hot, they're friends.
She even wrote his insurance policy.
(EXPLODING)
That was C-4!
That didn't come from the battlefield, it came from the south.
I solved the crime. No, I did.
I said it first. I identified the uniform.
I found the button near the tree. I said it first. Tap, tap, no take-backs.
That's not fair, Shawn. I was identifying the C-4 sound.
Dude, you snooze you lose, Gus. I don't have to tell you.
That manhole we found connects to the sewer.
It's going to lead us right to our killer. Let's go.
We're going in by ourself?
What, are you crazy?
Where you going, Mahoney? Hey, griff!
Hello, boys.
Back off. Back off.
Back off. This gun is loaded.
(GUNS COCKING)
Yes, but mine are so much bigger.
Carlton: Get out of the way, I'm coming through.
What the hell is going on down here?
Colonel,
arrest this traitor.
I'll have that weapon, Captain.
Okay, hold on, I'm gonna need you to walk me through this.
Mahoney blew up his own vault?
Mahoney: That is an absolutely outrageous... shut up!
Not only did he blow it up,
he used the battle as a cover to rob his own store.
Then, he'd collect a multi- million dollar insurance policy in a couple of weeks,
then slip back to the battle during the cannon fire
with no one ever being the wiser.
Oh, ye immoral man of low fiber!
You should really eat more bran.
I want to see my lawyer.
In due time.
Wait, but I still don't understand. Why kill Nelson Poe?
That is the rub, isn't it?
Sally Reynolds was the intended target.
The question is why?
Hi, Juliet. Got your message.
What the hell is going on?
Oh, I can see it clearly now.
Sally wrote Mahoney's multi-million dollar insurance policy.
That means she...
she was in on the fraud from the start.
That's a lie.
But Mahoney here didn't want to share those millions, so he gets an idea.
What if sweet, sweet Sally with the filthy mouth
and the bedroom eyes had a little accident
out on the battlefield during the rehearsal?
You mean Griffin tried to kill me? That's right.
This is a lie. You are fabricating everything you're saying.
Now you hold on a second, Mr. Mahoney.
Oh, hey, Gus, you see, when Nelson rolled down the creek bed
and landed too close to the river, he looked up
and he saw Griffin in the tree with his trusty musket, who said,
"Griffin, now you must kill Nelson Poe
"to keep his stinking mouth shut."
Told you you had the wrong person, Lassister.
I know.
Detective O'Hara... lose the hoop skirt before you hurt someone.
Read 'em their rights and book ' em.
Carlton: Excuse me, gentlemen.
Hey, it was good work, detective. We got 'em.
"We"?
We're a team, right?
Shawn: Gus. When we grow up, think I'll ever be as cool as you?
You're better at kickball.
Not what I asked.
We talking about your dad again?
Mmm-hmm.
Come on, dude. The guy respects you.
Not like he does you.
I'm not his son.
I mean, he might like me okay, but he loves you.
Did he say that?
No.
Then how can you be sure?
You mean he's never said it?
Come on, Gus. We're guys.
Charge! Charge!
♪ ♪ In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I'm not inclined to resign to maturity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ If it's all right then you're all wrong ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ But why bounce around to the same damn song? ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ You'd rather run when you can't crawl ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know that I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know they just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪
Who? Isaac newton, third law of motion.
And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone? Shawn.
You push, they push back.
Correct. Why?
Because man is a stupid creature
who'd rather fight than use his brain.
And what idiot said that?
Both: You did.
The name of the game is survival, sports fans.
In order to survive, you've got to fight.
And if you fight, you better damn well win.
Because if you don't win, and you don't use your brain, then what happens? Gus?
You lose?
And for this troop, that is not an option. Comprende?
Both: Sir, yes, sir!
Because losing is for lowlifes. Losing is for quitters.
Are you boys lowlifes? Are you boys quitters?
Both: Sir, no, sir!
Troop 101, ten-hut!
Gentlemen, we are about to embark on
the junior bobcat manual's infamous exercise number 32,
the launching of a solid fuel rocket.
Now, one of you lucky grunts is gonna nab this thing
and you're gonna haul ass back to me.
The prize? A hot fudge sundae.
But if you lose? What does the loser get, Shawn?
He gets to look on with envy.
That is correct. He gets to look on with envy.
Because that, gentlemen, is the American way.
On your marks.
(TICKING)
Ready.
Set.
Go!
What's this?
A parachute.
I sent you after a rocket.
Shawn? Where's my rocket?
I thought he had it.
A shortcut! You took a shortcut!
A shortcut, huh?
Prove it.
I'll tell you what, I beat you this time,
I'm eating the sundae.
Ooh, just in time.
For what?
The annual civil War re-enactors meltdown.
The event isn't until next weekend.
Yeah, but this is the best part, the rehearsal.
This is what they should charge for.
Form battle lines!
Prepare muskets!
Is that Lassister? Yes, it is.
What died on his face?
Charge!
(MEN YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
Stop, stop, stop! Stop!
(HORN BLOWING)
Okay, guys, that was better.
(STAMMERING) Really. It was good, actually.
Okay, it wasn't good.
Look, guys,
I know I promised last week that I wasn't going to give any more notes.
But, guys, come on, that last charge, it was...
how do I say this?
It was a soul-sucking embarrassment
that made me ashamed to wear the uniform.
(MEN SCOFFING)
Luke Bauer? Where's Luke?
Colonel Lassister, sir!
Luke, what did I say about the bayonet gag, huh?
Too much. There's gonna be kids watching this, all right?
We don't want the people in the grandstands to vomit.
Okay, I know we haven't reenacted this one for a while.
But the battle at Piper's cove, Kentucky, 1864,
is special to me.
It ended Confederate Quantrill's plot to assassinate Lincoln.
And it involved my great-great-grandfather, Colonel Muscum T. Lassister...
Muscum?
What the hell is a Muscum?
It was a very common name of the era.
History channel.
ESPN, Gus. Channel 206. I'm begging you.
Hey, Jules! Wanna join?
Oh, can i?
I don't know. Do you have your own hoop-skirt?
I rent one.
Sally Reynolds, front and center.
You missed your cue, Sally.
The cannon fired, yet no Sally.
I got stuck in the hospital tent.
Sergeant Menish had a quick question about his homeowner's policy.
How touching. However, today you are not here to sell insurance, Sally.
Today you are here to help me win the civil War.
And according to our battle plan,
when the fifth cannon fires you exit the hospital tent
and you shoot Captain Quantrill off his horse.
There's no need to get nasty.
I agree. It was totally out of line.
Sorry, I didn't think you could hear that!
Sally, sweet Sally.
If you do not point your gun at Captain Quantrill
and fire at the prescribed moment,
the audience will not be able to make heads nor tails of what we are doing.
And it will appear as if the evil Captain Quantrill,
now being portrayed by our horrifyingly method-acting Nelson Poe
who happened to roll way off his mark, by the way,
fell off his horse
and is lying here for no apparent reason at all.
Get up, Nelson.
Nelson, I swear to god, if you're sleeping through rehearsal again...
I said get up!
Okay, either that guy is a phenomenal actor
or he's dead.
♪ ♪ I know, you know that I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know they just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♪ ♪
oh, come on, let me in on this. No.
I was there. Inexplicably drawn to the scene.
I was meant to solve this case.
It's sort of like a miracle.
You have been out there every weekend we've rehearsed.
And don't think I didn't see you
trying to throw m&ms in the injured soldiers' mouths.
Okay, first of all, those were skittles,
and they have a rainbow of flavors.
The answer is still no. Beat it.
Oh! Hold it! I'm suddenly seeing Nelson.
The bullet, traveling through the air,
tearing, ripping, pain...
the bullet went straight through his heart.
This was not an accident, detective!
I don't know how you know that, and I don't give a rat's ass.
This case is personal.
One of my soldiers was killed on my watch.
And i, not you, am going to clean it up.
We clear?
I wouldn't have gone with something as traditional as "we clear? "
You could've gone foreign, right? Comprende? Capisci?
Could have had a little fun with it. You dig my gist, sweet pants?
These are just suggestions.
...and to you, the central reenactment committee,
I say as of today, the event next weekend is still on,
pending an investigation.
Now, most of you are cops.
Should we find any evidence that this was not an accident and do not make an arrest,
we will re-evaluate at that time.
Now that said, detective Lassister,
I want to know how, I want to know who, I want to know why.
(GROANS)
Oh, it...
It's kind of hard to get off. It takes a long time to unstick the glue.
All right.
(RIPPING)
Ooh! Man: Oh, yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thank you, Chief.
Pending the coroner's report,
I'd have to say there are no indications of foul play.
The general consensus is that a live round got mixed in with our blanks.
Mr. Mahoney is the regiment's munitions expert and jeweler,
one of Santa Barbara's finest. He can expand on this.
Mr. Mahoney.
As you know, detective, we had live-round target practice
this past weekend.
Along with you, we assumed a musket ball
got stuck in one of our rifles,
laid there unseen,
and then a blank was inserted during the last rehearsal...
poor Nelson. A terrible, terrible, tragic accident.
The battles meant so much to him.
Anyway, this is an official police investigation.
So let's focus on our schematic and nail down the specifics.
Detective O'Hara, please.
Hey.
What's the deal, why do you keep staring at me?
One. It's our understanding
that the victim was shot off his horse
at the top of the creek bank here...
(GUNSHOT)
And then rolled
to the creek bed here.
Two. We know Nelson was facing west,
so we're gonna focus our attentions here
on the opposite bank where we assume the shot originated.
Assume.
Detective? Spencer?
What about three, the missing bullet?
I saw it ripping through Nelson's body,
in through the front, out through the back.
And it still hasn't been found.
Wait. How do you know all that?
Lassy, you wanna take this one?
He had an "episode" in the hallway.
Look, I can handle this myself.
Nelson, Nelson, you're going to have to speak up. You're teeny!
You were shot through the heart?
Now, that was privileged information!
I didn't say anything.
(SHUSHING) Are you sure about this?
It's bold, but I'll run with it.
He says people don't get shot through the heart by accident.
He says he was murdered.
You're hired.
You told them what?
Gus, she was hot, and she was dressed as a nurse.
You know how I feel about that.
Oh, come on, what was I supposed to do, not impress her?
Plus, the tiny figurine made a very convincing argument.
I don't know how you're gonna prove murder with two lousy bullet holes.
Oh, relax. I did some checking on Nelson Poe, nobody liked him.
Ever. And second of all...
What?
Dude, I don't have a second of all.
And we know Nelson was on top of the ridge, facing the union soldiers
over here when he was shot. So SchWartz, take team a,
check out that high grass.
O'Hara, take team b, start going over the ridge.
Do it.
Men: Yes, sir.
(CHUCKLING)
Find something amusing?
Mildly amusing. More odd.
Delightful, in a queer sort of way.
For your edification, the reenactment of the battles...
edification?
Yeah, edification.
Is that legal? Like, in public. Public edification's legal?
It means for your information...
why didn't you just say that?
For your edification, the reenactment of battles,
battles fought by our forefathers to preserve this union,
is a sacred trust.
What are you guys doing here, anyway?
I'm a bit of a civil War buff.
I'm reading the dirt.
The trees. The hot dog stand.
No real information there, but they do great sauerkraut.
I may even be able to help you name a suspect.
Look, I told you, we're 95º% sure this was an accidental shooting.
What about the other 5º%?
If I am wrong, we will hold a press conference,
you two will be cordially invited to say "I told you so."
Seems fair. Hey... can I wear your face wig?
What are you doing?
Shockingly, Lassister is holding out on us.
I do not think that he thinks that this was an accident.
What do you mean?
I saw three names checked off the roster on his clipboard.
What names?
Gus, I thought you'd never ask.
What is this? The battlefield.
Based on what? The briefing room board at the police station.
You did this from memory? Yes.
You said you saw it for two minutes.
Right, two whole minutes.
You got problems.
Factoid! The musket is accurate from 30 yards.
Poe.
G.c.
G. C?
George Cheslow.
George Cheslow? From sixth grade?
Little Georgie!
He's, like, a dentist now.
Really?
See you in six months.
We go in, we check it out.
See if George Cheslow had any reason to murder somebody.
Pop out.
Mr. Guster. The dentist will see you now.
Sweet. Whoa!
Me? My teeth are gorgeous. You said the appointment was for you.
Right. For me to do some snooping.
Because I'm a much better snooper than you are.
You just keep him occupied.
Occupied how?
(MUMBLING UNINTELLIGIBLY)
Gus, stop it. Be a man.
What's he saying? He says his teeth are gorgeous.
I'm sorry, Shawn, but the reason you have to be here, too, is?
George, Gus has phobias. And being alone in a dentist chair is one.
He could snap at any moment.
This is actually for your own protection.
Last time he bit off an index finger.
Thankfully, I was there. They were able to save everything but the nail.
Oops. Pardonne-moi.
Honey, can I talk to you for a minute?
Oh, sure. Gentleman, duty calls.
Oh, and the credit card won't go through. Do you have any cash?
Oh, sure.
I've got tennis, then dinner with Karen.
Okay, I'll hit an ATM, that's...
don't wait up if I'm late.
Oh, okay. All right. Bye, sweetie. Good shopping.
(GROWLS AFFECTIONATELY)
Ah, yes.
George, I heard you got married, but, wow, huh?
I know what you're thinking, "what's wrong with this picture? "
But, you know, where is it written
that the ugly guy never gets the girl?
Everywhere, man. Yeah.
(THUDDING)
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
No, we're fine. We're better, you're fine. Don't worry about it.
Let's see here.
So how is married life treating you these days, George?
Everything... everything solid?
Why are you snooping around here, Shawn?
You think I did this
because Erlene was having an affair with Poe?
Huh? You didn't know.
Of course I knew, George. I'm a psychic.
It was over, completely over.
I'm beyond it and Erlene's beyond it.
At least, I think she is. I...
I had some gauze...
it's right... if I could just...
oh, there you go. Thank you.
George, do you wear your glasses out on the battlefield?
Oh, I want to, but Lassister won't let me.
He says they're not of the period.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
Gus here doesn't think you did it.
Neither does Shawn.
Well, thanks, guys, I appreciate that. Oops!
Oops? Small cavity.
I don't have any cavity in my mouth...
it's right on the surface. Don't worry about it.
(EXCLAIMING)
There we go. There's my trooper.
Listen, Georgie, nobody's drilled my mouth for anything...
(MUMBLING UNINTELLIGIBLY)
George?
Why am I surprised?
It is a funny coincidence. Hey, Jules.
George, I hate to say this,
but you're under arrest for the murder of Nelson Poe.
What? On what grounds?
You said it was an accident.
We discovered a stack of love letters at Nelson's house
indicating he was having an affair with your wife
and that you had threatened to kill him.
(SCOFFING) Oh, come on.
I am so disappointed in you.
All right. Okay, okay, okay.
(MUMBLING) You got the wrong man.
What did he say?
You've got the wrong man.
First, I told you so.
Secondly, I think George Cheslow is an innocent man.
Yeah, you know, he's right. We do have a paper-thin case.
I mean, all we've got is motive, means and opportunity.
Look, guys. I had a dream last night.
I was sipping iced wine with a baby tree monkey.
And I fell and I landed in a wooded area.
And that's where I saw Nelson Poe get shot.
Only, in my dream, the shooter was much closer than I originally thought.
This is a Minie' ball, am I right?
Where did you get this? Your desk.
Now, it's common knowledge that Minie' balls cause huge gaping holes in human flesh
which leads to a quandary in my dream.
Why was Nelson Poe's exit wound so small?
If George Cheslow had been in that wooded area,
he was way too far to make a shot that caused such a little hole.
Whoever shot Nelson was much, much closer.
And this "whoever" would be...
Engelbert Humperdinck.
So you've got nothing.
Thank you for the random speculation. Goodbye.
Mr. Spencer, if you can't name names, I'm afraid he's right this time.
Fine, I'll get you a name.
And I'm gonna get you a woman.
"Afraid he's right"? "This time"?
It's a gift, actually, for my son. A surprise of sorts.
This way he, my son, will be able to keep track of time for a change.
Kid was late at birth, he's been late ever since.
Now, he is going to have a gold pocket watch just like mine.
I've had mine for 30 years.
I see. Now, the inscription. What would you like it to say?
"Shawn,
"don't lose this watch, Henry Spencer."
Spencer.
What, too much?
No, no. It's just that your son is no doubt familiar with your last name.
It might contradict the sentiment.
All right, what would you suggest?
"Love, dad"?
"Love, dad." well, why don't you just put "kissy, kissy"?
Right, too mushy. No problem.
So, before we go any further, let's see.
Vintage gold pocket watch. Gold chain.
Taxes and engraving, comes to a total of...
wait, wait, wait.
Where's my discount? I'm ex-cop. Half the regiment's cop.
I thought we agreed on $400.
Oh, yes, we did. But at $4 per engraved letter,
that adds a total of $210.
All right, take away "Shawn," "this watch", "Spencer."
How much does that come out to?
$56 for the engraving plus tax,
$460 even.
And what does the revised inscription read?
"Don't lose, Henry."
Clean, to the point. I like it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
Mr. Guster, I know you said you didn't want to be interrupted,
but there is a lieutenant crunch here to see you.
Crunch?
Actually, I've been promoted.
It's Captain crunch.
Thank you.
Not in a thousand years.
Dude, we're joining that regiment. No, we are not.
They're down to 30 guys. Please, I have a meeting in...
and this mystery is still wide open.
Gus, think about it. Camping out under the stars.
Living history. Eating beans and rotten meat with men who reek of valor.
There's just one thing you haven't considered
in this perfect scenario of yours, Shawn.
That's not true. I've considered everything.
Really? And what role would I play in this production of yours?
I don't... what do you...
what role would I play
in the midst of all those hardcore
down-to-the-last-detail civil War re-enactors?
Would I be... no.
Gus, no.
Okay, then maybe would I be... never.
Who are you talking to? You're talking to me. This is me.
Then what, Shawn? What would I be?
Because I tell you, there is no way, no way, that I would ever, never ever...
may I please tell you what I was thinking?
What?
I was thinking glory.
I was thinking Denzel.
Did you just say Denzel? As in Denzel Washington?
No, the other Denzel.
Of course. And we'll put you on a horse,
and we'll give you your own sword.
You're gonna have a chestful of medals.
You can be anything you want. You can be a pilot.
The air force wasn't formed until World War 1.
That's fair. So you can't be a pilot.
Look, I called Mr. Mahoney, he's Mr. Uniform,
and I told him to make you something spectacular.
Denzel Washington.
Captain Mahoney, you said we needed recruits? Voilà.
Welcome aboard, son. I didn't expect you back so soon.
Don't know if the uniforms are ready yet.
But it is spectacular?
You saw glory? This is the best we had.
Well, come along.
I told you.
Gus: Wow, Captain, it's quite an establishment you've got here.
My sanctum sanctorum.
Fine jewelry, yes. Even my vintage pocket watch collection.
But above all, the finest civil War memorabilia
and props west of the Mississippi.
I can attest to that. I've repaired nearly half of them.
Sally. I am so happy to see you,
though I'm a little disappointed you're not wearing your nurse's uniform.
Griffin called me, frantic, saying we needed one more outfit.
You okay with that?
I sure am. It's just a shame you didn't dress me.
Still time for that.
Aside from reenacting,
Sally insures half the regiment.
Auto policies, homeowners. Even theft.
Speaking of which, griff, I'm thinking of insuring my legs.
Sort of like Mary Hart.
What do you think, three, five million a haunch?
Keep in mind my calves are like carved marble.
That's not the kind of policy she writes.
So she wrote yours?
Of course. And it's worth more than both your legs put together.
Does that policy include plastic explosives?
'Cause I see that you're packing C-4. Is this authentic?
Better yet, is it even legal?
For the reenactments. We fudge the fireworks sometimes.
Our audience goes wild every year
when the fake cannon fire showers them with dirt.
What do we have here?
C.S. Richmond high hump. .58-caliber percussion loader. Iron Ramrod.
Good lord, Burton, you are a wonk.
What the heck?
Sorry. Sorry. The battlefield can be pretty messy at times.
What about these jars with the buttons in them?
For the super hardcores. They soak their brass in urine.
You ready to try this thing on?
Sure.
Dude, you look awesome.
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
Gus: Are you sure there's not another uniform?
Yeah. But, I'm checking with the Ventura Association.
Personally, I think you look dashing.
I always loved the marching band.
It's not so much me as it is Mickelson. He's good.
Shawn, we're supposed to be roughing it.
Gus, for your edification, they don't have Tivo out here.
Hi, Sally Reynolds.
Keep an eye on those patties.
Shall we?
Let's go somewhere dark. You can give me a history lesson.
Captain Quantrill, he's the guy that burned down the abolitionist town?
Lawrence, Kansas, 1863.
A year later they were hell-bent on assassinating Lincoln.
But Lassiter's great- great-granddad, Muscum,
he stopped 'em cold on the bridge, yeah?
Sort of like a noble calling, right?
Something like that.
And the nurse you portray, who's that?
Jenny Winslow.
She lost her husband and two sons at Lawrence.
She wanted revenge, and she got it.
And what about you, Sally Reynolds?
What do you want?
Shouldn't you already know?
Why, because I'm psychic?
My aunt used to think she was a psychic.
She got predictions wrong all the time.
Then she'd get the smallest random detail right,
and she'd say, "you see? "
So, what you're saying is that you doubt me?
That hurts my feelings.
Well, you still haven't guessed what I want.
Damn it!
Shawn? What happened?
Gus.
I know how Nelson Poe was killed.
Good morning, father.
Good morning, your highness.
I lost your pocket watch.
(BEEPING)
The truth, Shawn, you're not really my son, are you?
Because I gave you a watch with the inscription "don't lose."
And what is the first thing that you do?
I lose the watch. You lose the watch!
Well, here's a news flash, dad. My birthday wasn't yesterday, okay?
It was four months ago.
Yeah, well, here's a newsflash for you, kid.
After you were born, it took you four months to smile at me.
That's when the clock started ticking.
Look, Shawn, I appreciate this newfound respect that you've got for time,
but what the hell are you doing out here in the boonies
with an antique gold pocket watch?
I don't know, trying to clear an innocent man named George Cheslow?
(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)
It's a button.
All right, look, this case of yours, I...
I've been thinking about it and...
really?
What? No, I haven't been "thinking."
Look, killing your wife's lover is something that's rarely planned.
It usually just happens.
So even if this dentist Cheslow did plan it,
he's not gonna be some numb nuts hanging around waiting for love letters
that are gonna point the cops in his direction, right?
Exactly. He's not gonna hang around like a numb nuts.
So here's the deal. I think Nelson rolled into this creek
and was shot from that tree right up there.
And you figured this out last night
when you fell on your ass down here by yourself.
Right on my ass.
Now all I need to do is find the missing bullet.
And how and where do we find this missing bullet?
(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)
How about right here?
Shawn, what about the watch?
You mean this watch?
Hey, I needed a metal detector.
Target was out of stock. And you won't let anyone use yours, so...
hey, I found the bullet.
Well, hey, you didn't find the killer, did you?
You need to find the killer.
Hell of an exit.
P.S., you look like an idiot.
I am Warning you, he'd better not be wasting my time.
Honestly, detective, I've never seen him so excited before.
"Four score and seven years ago... "
Shawn!
"Ask not what your country can do for you... "
Gus: Shawn! "... but what you can do for... "
Gus? Is that you? Shawn!
Yellow! All I see is yellow.
Yellow and the number two.
I'm already getting a bad feeling here.
There's lead. No, graphite.
Fine, I'll play. A pencil?
Yes, a yellow pencil.
You see a yellow pencil?
Yes. Where?
I'm not sure. Please, help me, detective, please.
A little to your left.
Back to your right.
Oh, you are getting Warm, you are so Warm!
Oh, gosh!
You're burning up! How can you stand that?
Great, you found a pencil. Now we can all take the S.A.T.'s.
There's more. The evidence, the critical evidence,
it's there, just look closer.
Look closer.
(GROANING)
Shawn: That's it. Gus.
That's it. That's the bullet that killed Poe.
And I bet when I run it through ballistics, it's gonna match
(CELL PHONE RINGING) George Cheslow's musket.
No, you're wrong, it's not Cheslow.
O'Hara. Yeah. We're on our way.
It's a 439 in progress.
Four thirty-nine? Yeah.
We gotta go.
(STUTTERING) wait, I was...
I'm not finished! There's more!
E-mail me!
Juliet! I found the bullet! I...
should we go?
No.
No. Let's run through this
from the killer's point of view.
Okay, Nelson was shot from up here.
Let's do a list.
Okay. One.
The killer climbs the tree, like so.
Right. Two?
He gets ready to shoot from here.
Three.
Three. Nelson rolls down the creek, way past his mark.
Four.
Looks up, sees the bad guy.
Okay, which means Nelson wasn't the original target!
Bingo. He interrupted the plan.
Okay, look up there and see if you see a notch.
You know, that would steady a gun.
A notch.
Yeah, like a notch.
It should lead us to the intended target.
That's not a notch.
That's a notch.
The hospital tent.
Dude, I think I got it. What?
Sally Reynolds.
Sally Reynolds? Sally Reynolds.
Why would someone want to kill Sally Reynolds?
I have no idea.
Man: Folks, our Civil War re-enactment has begun.
Hey, what's up, guys?
You're going to get a call from a very irate Sally Reynolds
saying two guys just drove by and stole her dress. Just ignore it, okay?
What the hell are you guys doing? Sally was the target.
Shawn's gonna put on that dress and wait for someone to shoot him.
Right, but the plan sounds a lot better when you don't say it like that.
Listen, detective, we have reason to believe
that the intended target was Sally Reynolds.
Now, we've stolen her dress
and we're gonna catch the yellow-bellied son of a bitch red-handed.
I forced the ending, that's horrible.
So, risking getting shot is the only way to solve the case?
Absolutely. Then we should stop the battle.
No, we can't. It's too late.
They're gonna start in less than a minute. Listen, Juliet,
please let us go?
I can't let you do that.
(GROANING)
You're a civilian. It's too dangerous.
It's fine.
We'll spot the guy well before he gets a shot off.
I'll do it. I'll do it. What?
Juliet?
Charge!
(ALL YELLING)
(Juliet EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
Careful, Gus! Sorry!
Just take a deep breath. Okay.
Gus: I don't think these dresses were intended to fit over a bulletproof vest.
Remember, we will be out there watching. Got you.
To catch the bad guy before you get shot. I understand.
But just in case, I want you to bob left, weave right.
Traditional bob and weave, no reason to get fancy out there.
And don't become an easy target.
I did go to the academy.
Or you could die.
Right.
Now remember, the fifth cannon boom is your cue
to shoot whoever's playing Quantrill.
Shawn: Right. Wait, how do you know that?
Gus: I read the manual. Didn't you?
I didn't open the manual, it was like War and peace.
There were 17 chapters. It's the manual, Shawn.
It was this thick... Juliet: Hey.
Hey. Gus: Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. All about you right now. All right, you're a champion.
Now go out there and catch us a killer.
Juliet, please be careful.
And don't die.
Shawn: How many times you gonna say die? Shawn, just get...
you're putting the word "die" into her head. She knows there's a killer!
Juliet: Guys? Yeah?
A favor. Sure! Name it.
Kick me.
Do what?
Kick me! Shawn: Okay!
(GUNS FIRING)
Now what?
Now we get ready to find a killer.
(MEN SHOUTING)
Shawn: Here it comes. The moment of truth.
Gus: Where's our killer?
That's weird. Nobody came.
Well, at least Juliet is out of danger now.
Shawn: What?
Well, I wonder where this leads.
Watch your head.
Oh, did you get sewage on your feather?
We've crossed to the other side of the creek bed.
Yeah, the police accounted for all of the union soldiers.
But nobody's considered that the murderer could have come from this side.
After all, this was the bad side, right?
You know that's right.
May I ask, who goes out on the battlefield without their boots?
Maybe someone has bunions.
Bunions, Gus? Really? That's what you're bringing to the table?
I'm trying to solve a murder here.
I deal with bunions at work every day, Shawn.
They hurt... they hurt people.
That's a perfectly logical assumption.
Oh, yeah? What about this? No tunic.
This is Mahoney's!
What?
The brass button.
(WHISPERING) Mahoney did it.
That's why he had that sticky musket.
He must've gotten sap on it from that notch in the tree.
Wait. This doesn't track. Why kill Sally? She's hot, they're friends.
She even wrote his insurance policy.
(EXPLODING)
That was C-4!
That didn't come from the battlefield, it came from the south.
I solved the crime. No, I did.
I said it first. I identified the uniform.
I found the button near the tree. I said it first. Tap, tap, no take-backs.
That's not fair, Shawn. I was identifying the C-4 sound.
Dude, you snooze you lose, Gus. I don't have to tell you.
That manhole we found connects to the sewer.
It's going to lead us right to our killer. Let's go.
We're going in by ourself?
What, are you crazy?
Where you going, Mahoney? Hey, griff!
Hello, boys.
Back off. Back off.
Back off. This gun is loaded.
(GUNS COCKING)
Yes, but mine are so much bigger.
Carlton: Get out of the way, I'm coming through.
What the hell is going on down here?
Colonel,
arrest this traitor.
I'll have that weapon, Captain.
Okay, hold on, I'm gonna need you to walk me through this.
Mahoney blew up his own vault?
Mahoney: That is an absolutely outrageous... shut up!
Not only did he blow it up,
he used the battle as a cover to rob his own store.
Then, he'd collect a multi- million dollar insurance policy in a couple of weeks,
then slip back to the battle during the cannon fire
with no one ever being the wiser.
Oh, ye immoral man of low fiber!
You should really eat more bran.
I want to see my lawyer.
In due time.
Wait, but I still don't understand. Why kill Nelson Poe?
That is the rub, isn't it?
Sally Reynolds was the intended target.
The question is why?
Hi, Juliet. Got your message.
What the hell is going on?
Oh, I can see it clearly now.
Sally wrote Mahoney's multi-million dollar insurance policy.
That means she...
she was in on the fraud from the start.
That's a lie.
But Mahoney here didn't want to share those millions, so he gets an idea.
What if sweet, sweet Sally with the filthy mouth
and the bedroom eyes had a little accident
out on the battlefield during the rehearsal?
You mean Griffin tried to kill me? That's right.
This is a lie. You are fabricating everything you're saying.
Now you hold on a second, Mr. Mahoney.
Oh, hey, Gus, you see, when Nelson rolled down the creek bed
and landed too close to the river, he looked up
and he saw Griffin in the tree with his trusty musket, who said,
"Griffin, now you must kill Nelson Poe
"to keep his stinking mouth shut."
Told you you had the wrong person, Lassister.
I know.
Detective O'Hara... lose the hoop skirt before you hurt someone.
Read 'em their rights and book ' em.
Carlton: Excuse me, gentlemen.
Hey, it was good work, detective. We got 'em.
"We"?
We're a team, right?
Shawn: Gus. When we grow up, think I'll ever be as cool as you?
You're better at kickball.
Not what I asked.
We talking about your dad again?
Mmm-hmm.
Come on, dude. The guy respects you.
Not like he does you.
I'm not his son.
I mean, he might like me okay, but he loves you.
Did he say that?
No.
Then how can you be sure?
You mean he's never said it?
Come on, Gus. We're guys.
Charge! Charge!
♪ ♪ In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I'm not inclined to resign to maturity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ If it's all right then you're all wrong ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ But why bounce around to the same damn song? ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ You'd rather run when you can't crawl ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know that I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know they just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪