Psych (2006–2014): Season 1, Episode 14 - Poker? I Barely Know Her - full transcript

I'll raise.
I've got a good feeling about this hand.
Too rich for me. Fold.
Big surprise, rookie. That's all you ever do is fold.
Call. What do you say to that, big shot?
l say...
The last card didn't make Mr. O'Grady's flush.
Mr. Duritz was smart to fold 'cause he missed his straight.
And you, Mr. Hastings, your cards just stink.
You're bluffing. l call.
Two pair, Jacks and 7 s. Oh! Damn it!
(ALL LAUGHING) Every time.
FRANK: You'd think we'd know better by now.
HENRY: What the hell is goin' on here?
HENRY: Poker, Shawn? Poker?
What were you thinking?
l don't know. l get bored waiting.
Oh, well, why didn't you just say so?
l mean, if you're bored, l guess it's okay.
What is wrong with you?
How do you even know how to play poker?
Mr. Hastings taught me.
Hastings, uh?
Well, l want it to stop. Do you understand?
No more poker, no more gambling. You're too young.
Dad, l don't gamble. l win.
You win? Oh, uh-huh.
And approximately how often do you lose?
l don't know. You don't know.
Well, l haven't lost yet.
How much? How much did you win?
ls that it?
All right, son, listen to me.
Just because you can do something
doesn't always mean that you should do it,
do you understand what I'm saying?
No.
Hey, that's mine!
Not anymore.
Yes, it is!
Uh-uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm giving it away.
Giving it away. Why? Because l can.
And according to your little philosophy, your poker philosophy,
if l can, then l should, right?
l know it might seem like you're gonna win every time, Shawn,
but no matter how good you are,
there's always somebody who's better.
And there's one rule in gambling,
the house always wins. Eventually.
Do you understand what l'm saying?
Don't gamble.
Not for money.
GUS: l got 10 bucks says you can't make this shot. Ooh!
(GUS EXHALING)
Gus, l can't take your money.
That's right. 'Cause you can't make the shot.
l could easily make the shot,
which is why l can't take your money. There's no sport in it.
l say you're all mouth.
I'm all mouth? Yep.
All right.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Sail straight, my precious.
Okay. Double or nothing.
Trivia question this time. History.
Grover Cleveland. Damn!
How do you do that? It's the sweetness.
So, this is how you spend your days.
Oh, my God! Dad, what are you doing here?
Nice. ls that the way you greet all the people that come through your door?
That's exactly how l greet everyone.
Maybe that's why business is down. Hmm.
Are you gonna invite me in?
Oh, yeah, please... No!
This could be a trick.
What's the rule with vampires, don't they have to be invited in?
What are you talking about, Shawn?
Gus, you've seen Lost Boys 14 times. What's the rule?
You're on your own.
Is this all there is?
Actually, this is the, uh, satellite office.
Main headquarters is in an underground ice cave
Gus and I sculpted last winter.
What about your license?
Ahem, my pilot's license? It's out back in the Cessna.
Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill.
Revoked. Problems at the Kazakhstan border.
I could give you the details, but then I'd have to kill you,
which l can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.
I'm talkin' about your private eye license.
Well, you need one, don't ya?
Psychics are exempt from the requirements.
Oh, well, hurray for loopholes!
A little dark.
Probably could use a couple more lamps, you know, probably killing your eyes.
That outlet... Ah, yeah, looks a little overloaded.
Yeah, l think that plasma, you'd probably do better by puttin' it on that wall,
you'd have less glare comin' in through the window in the afternoon.
You know what, Dad, l really appreciate you makin' the long drive down
and Feng Shui it up sweet for us,
but we're kind of in the middle of something here.
What would that be, Shawn? Would that be NBA
garbage can hoops, or trivia super challenge?
Believe it or not, we have an 11:00.
So maybe we should wrap this up.
Yeah, it's a little too late for that, Shawn.
l am your 11:00.
♪ ♪ I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception Learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♪ ♪
HENRY: Bill Peterson. He owns Peterson Motors.
Met him about 20 years ago when I grabbed a couple of punks
boosting tires off of his lot.
Shawn, shouldn't you be writing some of this down?
Why would I do that? Will there be a quiz?
Just shut up and pay attention.
I got a call from him yesterday. He's got a kid, Brandon.
He's just a little younger than you.
He thinks his son might be mixed up in something.
Like what? Well, he'll fill you in when he gets here.
The point is, he doesn't want the cops involved. So, he called me.
And you said... I said I'm retired
and he should definitely involve the cops.
Sweet. You came all the way down here to tell us that. Awesome.
No, Shawn. He doesn't want his son in trouble,
and I might have mentioned to Peterson accidentally that, you, uh...
You might be able to help.
Whoa, time out! Flag on the play! Did you vouch for me?
No, I wouldn't say I exactly vouched for you.
Gus, Henry vouched for me. I did not vouch for you!
You were bragging on me. You have a dad-crush on me.
Shawn, I was not bragging on you.
I merely restated stats about your track record that are in the newspaper.
Let's hug it out. Put your arms down.
Gimme a hug. Put your... No, I'm not gonna give you...
If I'd known that Peterson was gonna insist on hiring you,
l would've blasted your character outright
and I would've mentioned your unnatural fear of pointy things.
Ah! Distaste for pointy things.
Please, just do me this one favor.
Would you listen to the man's story, tell him you can't help?
Send him to the cops, and whatever you do,
don't do it with all that rolling your eyes around
and all that floppy crap.
What is this?
First of all, I don't flop around all the time, okay?
My game is predicated on finesse.
How dare you criticize my job? He's here, he's here.
Okay, don't tell him I came by.
You got a back way out of this place? You came through it.
Oh, right.
(PETERSON CLEARING THROAT)
Excuse me, you Shawn?
Yes, that's correct, Mr. Peterson.
Wow, that is my name.
Don't be too impressed, Bill,
l could have gotten that information anywhere.
After all, Peterson Motors is gigantic.
Yeah, well, I'm suitably impressed.
Don't be. Burton Guster.
Pleasure to meet you.
Look, I'll get right to it. l have a son, Brandon.
Up until a few weeks ago, he worked for me. Now he's disappeared.
What happened a few weeks ago? I fired him.
He was lazy, directionless.
I thought I could get him to buckle down, focus in on something.
How did that go?
Well, he's been evicted from his apartment, his cell phone's been cut off
and he forged a check from my account to the tune of $30,000.
I need to find my son. Can you help me?
Well, Mr. Peterson, this sounds like a case for the police.
Let me get you a number.
Gus, don't be a gooey chocolate chip cookie. What?
This is precisely what we do here, sir.
We find people. We'll find your Brandon.
Okay, make sure we are not disturbed.
I need five minutes uninterrupted. Make sure no one comes in.
Yeah.
VICK: What's with all the secrecy, O'Hara?
I've got a real mind-bender.
Problem with the railway theft?
No. It's a detective.
Is this something for Internal Affairs?
It's Detective Lassiter.
What's the problem with our Head Detective?
Well, it's his birthday.
Oh, that's not a problem.
Yeah! It is! He seems quiet.
He is quiet. That's who he is.
Look, O'Hara, I think it's nice that you care for your partner,
but he is a grown man. He'll be fine.
l just thought it would be nice to surprise him.
Oh...
Detective Lassiter does not like surprises.
Of course he likes surprises. Everybody likes surprises.
Detective Lassiter has a very particular comfort zone.
And you don't even wanna know what we now call the Secret Santa Debacle of 2005.
l just wanted to do something nice for him,
but nobody seems to know what he likes!
Well, you're his partner, shouldn't you know?
Well, we don't really talk.
l mean, he doesn't.
He nods and responds mostly. He never really poses a question.
Although sometimes he asks if we can ride in silence.
O'Hara, your heart is in the right place,
but l am very sure that you're gonna have to do this yourself.
Okay, fine.
Shawn, what are we doin' here?
Brandon's dad said he was evicted.
Gus, let me ask you something.
When's the last time you were evicted from your apartment?
Never!
Exactly. You wouldn't understand.
This is my world.
So the landlord keeps Brandon's stuff as collateral.
Brandon comes back, the landlord gets paid,
Brandon doesn't, there's a garage sale.
Well, the buzzer upstairs says that his is 227.
227? Marla Gibbs. Regina King.
Jackée! Hal Williams.
Hal Williams? Hal Williams as Lester Jenkins.
Yeah, right.
Looks like somebody took a screwdriver to this thing.
Lemme see.
Okay, so Brandon needed something inside here, but he couldn't get in.
If you were in his shoes, what would you do next?
First of all, l'd feel very ashamed of myself.
Tell me about it.
But then,
l think l'd come back with some scissors.
(SHAWN GRUNTlNG)
Let's see if we can find what he's reaching for.
Yeah, lemme reach. My reach is better.
Excuse me? What?
When exactly did we have a reaching contest?
My reach has always been better.
But my arms are slender-erer. Slender-erer?
What? Slendererer...
Skinnier? Yes.
You know what? You're right. My biceps probably wouldn't fit through this thing anyway.
l knew you'd fall for that!
(GRUNTlNG)
Let me see.
Hmm. Final notice, final notice, final notice, plus an eviction?
Gosh, this kid has some serious cash flow problems.
No wonder why he stole from his pops.
What do you got? A bunch of pawnshops.
Whoa! Wait a second.
If you're a guy with an apartment,
what's the one thing you definitely don't have?
l don't know. A horse?
A horse, that's true!
(lMlTATlNG BUZZER)
Answer we were looking for was yard or garden.
l would have accepted both yard and garden.
l was joking, Shawn.
So if you're a guy without a yard or a garden... Shawn!
...why would you have a business card for a garden supply store?
What is R-R-L-R-L-L?
Rrlrll. Rrlrll.
Of course. Rrlrll.
No, no. Rrlrll! Rrlrll.
What does it mean?
We should probably figure that out, huh? You think?
GUS: How long are we gonna sit here?
Brandon might not even show up.
When l suggested we do a stakeout, you were, like,
''No, no, we need to do something active.''
l am doing something active. What?
l'm preparing to try and enjoy this chalupa.
Odd.
No, what's odd, the customers that keep driving into this place.
Look at these cars. They're ridiculous!
They're all fancy and what not.
Not exactly what you'd use to pick up shrubs and fertilizer.
Let's see what these people are up to.
Let's go!
SHAWN: Ah!
Wrong turn.
What the...
Dude, it's a maze.
What is ''R-R-L-R-L-L''?
Shawn, what are you doing?
Right, right.
Dude, the letters on the back of that card were directions.
Follow me. All right.
Right.
Rrlrll...
Rrlrll, rrlrll. Shawn!
Right.
Left...
Left...
(SlGHlNG) Yes!
Whoa, wait a second. Wait a second.
Maybe we should take a peek and see what we're getting into, Shawn.
Ooh, you know what this is, Shawn?
It's one of those underground poker games.
My poker buddies talk about them.
SHAWN: Since when do you have poker buddies?
My online poker buddies, Shawn.
l'm good. l'm up $7 million dollars.
You have $7 million dollars and you failed to mention it to me till just now?
It's not real money, Shawn. That's illegal.
Rough luck there again, huh?
Yeah, a bit of bad luck.
Dude, you should get in this game. How?
These games are tight. You gotta know somebody to get in.
Well, let's just throw Brandon's name around, maybe they'll let us in.
Uh, yeah, one more hand, l'll get it.
It's just not working out for you today, is it? No. Not right now.
l'll tell you what. Why don't you stand up here?
l'm just gonna... Come on. Come here.
It's okay. It's okay.
Okay. Just relax now.
Put your hand up like this. Why?
Just hold it up. There you go.
Now, maybe next time, you won't force me
into such a barbaric form of retribution.
Good news, there appears to be a seat opening up.
Still, l think our best course of action would be...
Get the hell outta here! Go!
Go! Go, go!
l want you to know l cannot hear anything you say!
Shawn, what the hell is going on?
What the... Shawn, what are you doing?
It's his ongoing sensory-deprivation experiment,
sharpening one sense by denying others.
In this case, he can't hear, which only amplifies his sense of smell.
What? Amazing!
That's one word for it.
l need complete and utter silence.
What do you need silence for, Shawn, if you can't hear anything?
Shh! Please! Henry, let the boy work.
l smell chips!
Potato, po-tah-to!
Let's call the whole thing off!
Mr. Peterson, l want you to grab my arm.
Both hands, like you're doing a pull-up.
Feel the burn.
l will now become a conduit to your son's thoughts.
Please, clear your mind and your nasal passages.
Think of nothing but Brandon and those chips.
Gus, present spuds!
l'm getting something.
It's not clear.
That's a shocker.
Oh, ah, l'm wrong! It's not potato!
Gus, lose the spuds!
Chips! Ponch! John!
Striker! Cracker! Poker!
Poker? l hardly know her!
Shawn. Poker chips!
Well, what the hell do poker chips smell like, Shawn?
They smell like butterflies.
Poker chips...
And playing cards.
Ah! What?
What about the poker chips and the playing cards?
Ah! Gus, it burns!
(GRUNTS)
(PANTlNG)
The link has been broken.
l'll have to read the cards,
see what they say.
Shawn!
There's your son.
Notice there are no diamonds around him.
Well, diamonds represent wealth.
So Brandon lost his wealth playing poker?
That's correct, Gus.
Yeah, well, what do all these clubs around him mean, Shawn?
Clubs, clubs are like
clover.
He's been playing poker in a garden.
With this guy.
We need a name.
Has he mentioned any of the guys he plays poker with?
DumbLuck2.
That was his online screen name.
l kept seeing it on his computer
when he was supposed to be working.
DumbLuck2.
Here, you can have Brandon.
Thanks.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
MRS. LASSITER.: Hello? Hi, Mrs. Lassiter?
Yes? Who is this? What do you want?
It's about your son.
Oh, no! It's the phone caII!
Oh, no! No, no, no, no! It's not... It's not that.
Well, then, who the hell are you?
l'm his partner.
But you're a woman.
Yes. Shocking, isn't it?
What are you, fulfilling a quota?
If you get him shot... I'm not getting him shot!
l just need to ask a few personal questions.
PersonaI questions?
You're not a cop.
This is some kind of Internet scam, isn't it?
You'II want my Social Security number next, right?
Well, suck lemons, Cookie-puss!
You're gettin' nothin' out of me!
No. No, no, no. It's just...
It's his birthday. It's coming up and l...
Who told you that?
Excuse me?
Booker doesn't celebrate his birthdays.
(SNlCKERS) Booker?
Damn it! Oh, you're good, Tricky-pants.
Well, l just want you to know
this phone call is now being recorded.
Um, l just need to get some inside information because l wanna surprise him.
Why are you asking me? Why don't you ask his wife?
Well, l didn't exactly think that was appropriate
with them being separated and all.
They're what?
Nothing.
My son is separated? No...
l mean, l don't know.
Uh, please don't tell him that you know.
Please don't tell him that l told you. l really...
l had no idea. Can we please just pretend
this conversation never happened?
(DlAL TONE BUZZlNG) Hello?
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Lassiter.
Mother?
What?
What do you mean you want your wedding ring back?
SHAWN: What are you doing?
l'm playing online poker, Shawn.
l know l knew that name, DumbLuck2.
l've played Brandon before, right here, and l beat him.
l figured l'd hang out, see if he logs on.
Hmm. Looks like a full house, huh?
How did you know that?
You went...
l don't do that, Shawn.
l didn't do that!
Two pair.
l'd call. And raise.
You're sitting on pocket rockets.
You're not gonna do any better than that.
Seriously, how do you do that?
It's a good thing you're not a real poker player, Gus.
You'd lose more money than Brandon.
l'm a stellar player, Shawn. And don't think...
Wait a second. What?
He's on now! Brandon.
Great! Bring him in.
Bring him in how?
Say, ''Hey, Brandon, your dad's looking for you''?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second here, time out.
What?
You're ''BigKitty75''?
Yeah, as in the kitty, you know, the pot.
The kitty? Yes, 75.
7 4 other ''Big Kitties'' came before you?
Yeah, Shawn, there were 7 4 of 'em. All right. All right.
Does Kitty have a profile?
It's Big Kitty, and no, l don't!
Perfect. Scoot over. Give me some room to operate here.
What are you doing? Baiting the hook, Gus.
Baiting the hook? How?
You can't do this, Shawn! This is my account! Shh, relax.
Don't you tell me to... You don't have a profile.
They don't know if ''Big Kitty'' is a man or... l'm a man!
The players l play poker with, chat with, know that l'm a man, Shawn!
That's funny,
'cause it appears Brandon thinks that you're a...
A cheerleader?
''Where does a girl go around here for fun and games?''
Stop it, Shawn! Get the...
Relax! l can't transfer my bank!
l have 7 million bucks! Oh!
Oh, what's my name?
Oh, l don't know. Shawn...
BigKitty75. Shawn...
You know, Kitty? The Kitty... Kitty-Cat? Feline!
Ah! Felicia.
''Felicia Fancy-bottom''?
What am l, a James Bond villain?
Look, he's inviting us into a private chat.
Don't do it, Shawn. l'm telling you, don't do it!
Buy me a drink?
l think that question's for you, Felicia.
Where?
l don't know. l--l can't...
Dude, where do you go to hook up with dudes you meet online?
(SNlCKERlNG) That's not funny, Shawn.
Coffee with Attitude Coffeehouse?
Bring a flower?
What do you think? Poinsettia?
That's a plant, not a flower.
And it's out of season. Perfect.
We'll see just how badly he wants to impress
Big Felicia Fancy-bottom.
(SHRlEKlNG)
Ah! He's punctual.
l like that in a date.
Whoa, guys, l'm expecting somebody, actually.
We know. Felicia.
Yeah, how do you know...
Huh. She's not comin', is she?
He's Felicia.
And l'm Felicia.
Great! Yeah, l knew it.
All hot internet women are guys!
Of course, you're two guys, which makes it doubly weird.
Sorry, Brandon, but your Dad's lookin' for you.
SHAWN: That's the rub. He hired us.
Oh, yeah? Well, the joke's on you 'cause l'm outta here.
Hey, we just wanna talk.
What's goin' on? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You, uh, you know these guys?
Hey, relax. Brandon and l are friends.
l just wanna talk to him for a minute.
So how's it goin', you good? BRANDON: Yeah.
(GROANS)
Hey! Whoa!
(COUGHlNG) It's just so you don't forget. You have until Monday.
Oh!
You were saying?
Well, it looks like your dad's not the only one who's lookin' for ya, huh?
All right, look. You guys gotta give me a break, okay?
l stole $30,000 dollars from my dad
and then l lost it, and more, to that jerk, J.P. Berger.
So l can't go home, not until l win enough to pay everybody back.
What'd he say, you've got till Monday?
Yeah, he did, but see, the thing is,
l'm a better player than he is. l am much better.
And yet he bent you over his knee
and spanked you in front of the whole class.
But he shouldn't have!
l just... l just gotta figure out how he did it.
Look, Brandon, it's simple.
You go to your dad and convince him to give you your job back.
And then you figure out a way to pay this Berger back his money.
Yeah, that sounds really great.
But, guys, l can't go back to work for my dad.
Nothing l do is ever good enough for that man, nothing is right.
You have no idea what that's like.
Look, here's some brutal truth.
We're the only reasons you're not in jail, or worse.
Your dad's done.
It took someone cashing in a very old favor to get us involved at all.
Now, you are not gonna be able to play your way out of this hole, baby boy!
So pack it in! Pull the plug! Shut it down!
Leave the dead meat in the freezer and put on your Sunday best,
'cause it's Arbor Day, baby!
Okay. Fair enough.
Let's get this over with.
Take me to my father.
BRANDON: What'd l tell ya?
Morning till night, the old man never stops selling.
Want some advice?
Yeah, sure.
When you owe a man $30,000 dollars,
l'd be careful about criticizing his work ethic.
That's a good point.
You want us to come with you?
No. No, you know what?
l screwed up on my own, l am gonna face him on my own.
That's very Cameron Frye of you.
It's Cameron who?
Wow, are we that much older than you?
What's that?
That's nothin'. It's a good luck charm.
l mean, used to be. But you know what?
Here. l don't need it.
l've given up cards, l got no use for it.
Whoa! No, thanks. Not really a jewelry guy.
Gus here is. No, l'm not.
Sure you are.
Right.
Phew! Let's get this over with, right?
You tryin' to pass that thing off to me?
You liked it. You like the sweet turquoise.
So you're telling me that you've been working with him for 15 years,
but you have no idea what kind of food he likes?
He orders separate when we get take-out.
Something about poison.
What are you doing?
Looking.
For what?
A mint.
l'm allergic to mint. Ah-ha!
What?
Nothing.
l'm just happy.
Now l know you don't like mint.
HENRY: Well, well.
Don't you look like hell.
l know l look like hell, Dad.
Everyone who gets up at this hour looks like hell.
With the possible exception of Matt Lauer and Diane Lane.
Mr. Peterson, how are you, sir? Something wrong?
No, no, Shawn, everything is great.
That's why l woke your ass up, had you zip down here so Bill and l could tell you
how terrific everything is.
It's Brandon. Brandon?
Well, he seemed fine when we dropped him off yesterday, maybe a little nervous.
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You found him?
Well, yeah, we did.
When was this? Yesterday.
l'm sorry, sir, l should have told you.
It was right before closing. We could clearly see you from Gus' car,
and he said he wanted to come in by himself,
do this man-to-man, you know, just you and him.
He didn't come in? You never saw him?
Oh, we saw him, all right.
l got the reunion right here. You wanna see it?
PETERSON: There he is, there's my boy.
Guess he couldn't face me, so he waited until after l went home.
Not the safe? He's breaking into your safe?
Breaking in? No, he didn't have to break in.
He's too smart for that.
He knows the combination!
There you have it. Not quite the reunion l imagined.
So tell me, psychic,
where's my son now?
SHAWN: Something's bothering me, dude.
l'm never wrong!
You're always wrong, what are you talkin' about?
That this kid should be a better poker player, Gus.
That was a pretty good bluff.
Oh, dude, look!
What? Right there. That necklace thing.
That's horrible.
He wears his ridiculous good luck charm into battle
the way that Superman wears his cape,
or Rocky Balboa wears his belt.
l bet you he's on his way back to the maze to take on Berger.
No, Berger's not gonna be at the lawn and garden center. Not this weekend.
Why not?
There's a tournament goin' on where the winner gets a buy-in to the World Poker Derby.
You know where that is?
Of course l do! Phew!
Ooh! Phew! Ah! Oh, it's flipping!
Ah, it wants to flip! Oh, it wants to flop! Dad!
(GRUNTlNG)
T.P.
Toilet paper... No.
Teri Polo. Shawn...
T.P. Tee-pee.
Tee-pee with a chimmy...
Chimmy, chimmy-changa, chimi-changa, Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan.
Chimi-changa. Cha-changa?
Cha-changa! That's it.
You say tomato, l say to-mah-to.
Cha-changa.
The Indian casino?
Cha-ching!
Damn it! You were right, Henry.
How's that?
Maybe getting the police involved is the only way to get his attention.
May l have that DVD, please?
(SHAWN EXCLAlMS)
No.
Excuse me? Shawn!
Not yet.
Why?
Let's give him another chance.
l'm sensing there's more to this story, sir.
He's actually a pretty good poker player.
l'm getting a very, very strong psychic vibration
he's gonna lose
big!
Not with my money he's not.
Let's go. Oh, God.
We're outta here. No, Dad. Dad, l can't.
Would you rather l call the police
and show them a certain video of you looting my safe?
l know, l'm sorry about all that.
No, Brandon. Let's go.
No, Dad, Dad, l'm in more trouble here than you think.
l'm already in! And they don't give refunds here.
Fine.
l'll play. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You?
You know what? Actually, sir, this is your call.
l work for you. But keep in mind that l am a psychic
and, unlike any of these other players,
l come with a money-back guarantee.
What do you think, Henry? Can he win?
Dad, I don't gamble. I win.
Yeah. He can win.
So, what's the deal?
GUS: Shawn and Berger drew opposite tables.
The only way for him face Berger is if he beats everyone at his table,
makes it to the finals, and wins.
Check.
God, must be rough.
Sorry?
You picked the wrong week to quit smoking, dude.
There's a tournament happening here.
What are you talking about?
What is this about? ls this about your lady friend, huh?
Your special girl back home? She doesn't like it?
Look at the cards, guys, huh? Lot of possibilities on the table right now.
Lot of possibilities.
Fifty thousand.
(WHlSTLES) Midnight oil says no! No!
Call.
Ay-ay-ay, action.
Action in my fanny pack. All right, l'll call you both.
SHAWN: You didn't catch your straight, did you?
Hundred thousand.
Fold.
You let me down. You let me down.
Ronnie!
What?
This can be your time, right here, right now.
You think you can mess with my head, too?
Here's the thing, l'm a psychic.
So if l had to guess, which l don't, l'd say yes.
Yes, l can mess with your head and l can put an entire sandwich in your hair.
Well, you know what? l'm not playing with a psychic.
It's against the rules.
Against the rules? No, guys, guys, l checked the rulebook.
l looked in the index under ''P''.
It mentioned polygamy, pancakes, and pterodactyls.
Who knew pterodactyl started with a ''P''?
l bet you did. You did.
It's not against the rules, Ronnie. It's cool.
No, it's not cool.
Look at your stack, man.
Everything's here. Everything's here.
l need you here. Take a risk, man! Bluff it up!
l'll raise you two hundred thousand.
You just bluffed to prove to me that you could bluff.
Ronnie...
l call this move the all in.
Ronnie with the origami.
(LAUGHlNG)
Oh! Oh!
ANNOUNCER.: Center tabIe showdown,
Shawn Spencer and J.P. Berger.
All in.
All in?
CROUPlER: All in?
Yeah, but he shouldn't have. I just gotta figure out how he did it.
Wait!
Wait, wait, wait.
The chips demand we stop the game.
What the hell is going on here?
Shh! l can't hear them if you're talking, Berger.
What?
Really?
You guys sure about this?
Chips say you're a cheater-cheater pumpkin-eater!
(SHAWN LAUGHlNG)
ls that right? SHAWN: Yeah.
And how do they know that?
We're really supposed to believe that you're psychic or something!
If you were psychic, l wouldn't be cleaning your clock right now.
Cleaning my clock? What does that mean, Berger?
What, you'd take time out of your day to clean another man's timepiece?
And if so, that would be a bad thing?
No, l would be gracious. l would say, ''J.P., dude,
''thanks for spritzing my watch.''
Besides, it doesn't matter.
Doesn't take a psychic to figure out that these cards are marked.
You know what, if you had been paying attention,
you'd realize that the decks were all sealed.
Shh! He's saying the decks are sealed. What do you got for me?
Well, come on, guys, speed it up!
Check the...
Oh!
For shame!
You dirty filthy rascal with the suede-suede head.
Ah-ha!
SHAWN: Face card. Face card.
Well, how's that possible? These are brand-new decks.
We got spotters on every table.
But you didn't check your dealers!
Okay, l'm on the dealer. What do you got for me?
Hair clip? Hair clip! Of course.
You! You stand up!
l'm sorry, ah... Wait, let me...
Hold on! This...
Oh, my, there's some kind of invisible ink on this hair clip,
and every time she fussed with her ponytail,
and l think we can all agree it's a fetching tail, it's a silky tail,
she got the ink on her fingers and then she put her fingers on the cards!
And then her special partner with his special rose-colored glasses
could see that everything is turning up faces.
All right. We're not partners.
Put a hold on all these chips here. This is ridiculous!
Take these two into custody until we sort this out.
This is ridiculous! You're ridiculous!
For shame!
That is so much money.
l'll, uh, l'll let you guys make it right.
(SlGHS) Well, now l know why l always lost to Berger. It wasn't me.
But, um,
it was me stealin' from you and lying to you,
and, Dad, for that, l really am sorry.
Well, l appreciate the apology, Son.
But you're gonna have to do a lot more than that to earn my trust back.
Thank you.
No, thank, thank you, Mr. Peterson!
No, thank you. SHAWN: No, seriously, thank you.
Shut up! Okay.
Dude! $7,500?
Peterson is a generous man. This is our most profitable case ever!
l know, l got plans!
Pay off the flat screen, consolidate our loans,
and pay off the bulk in a lump sum!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh!
Or... What...
We double up, right here, right now. What?
Come on, Gus, think about it, seriously, fifteen large?
What are you talkin' about, Shawn?
We could go to Aruba. Shawn...
Cozumel. Shawn!
lbeeza. lt's lbiza!
Dude, we could rent a jet to lbiza.
Don't even think about it!
Rule number one of gambling, do not think.
That's not a rule, Shawn!
Rule number two,
always bet on black.
Money plays. Whoa, but...
Isn't that right, Steve?
l can't believe you did that!
(SlGHS) Look, l told you that's why l don't gamble, Gus.
Shut up, Shawn!
What did Wesley say in Passenger 57? l don't want to talk about it!
He said, ''Always bet on black.'' So l did!
Yeah. Here you go. They're cold.
Um, Lassiter leads a really different private life.
Yeah... l mean, who'd have thought he was into bikes?
l guess.
Hi.
Well, some of these people look really familiar.
Yeah! l know, to me, too! But l haven't had a chance to talk to any of them yet.
l see his car! l see his car!
What? Oh! Everybody hide! Hide!
(JULlET WHlSPERlNG)
What the hell?
ALL: Surprise!
JULlET: Whoa! Whoa! No, it's okay.
MAN: Whoa! Move it!
JULlET: Oh! Oh, my gosh, no, no, no! No, no, no, Carlton!
Hey! lt's a party, it's a party!
lt's what?
For your birthday! Surprise!
Why are these people at my house?
They're your friends.
No, they're not.
Yeah, they are! l got 'em out of your address book.
You took my book?
Yes, l admit it, l opened your desk.
l didn't want to load you up with a bunch of work people,
so l just invited the ones with stars by their names.
These are all people l put in jail.
The stars are repeat offenders.
You keep a little black book of people you've arrested?
Of course l do.
Why?
To drive by and check on them.
Um, um, oh, Carlton, where are you going?
To pack! Why?
Because now they know where l live!
Happy Birthday, dude!
Happy Birthday!
MAN: Nice house!
(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)
♪ ♪ In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I'm not inclined to resign to maturity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ If it's aII right then you're aII wrong ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ But why bounce around to the same damn song? ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ You'd rather run when you can't crawI ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception Learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪