Psych (2006–2014): Season 1, Episode 14 - Poker? I Barely Know Her - full transcript
Henry couldn't convince buddy Bill Peterson to turn to he police to find his missing adult son Brandon, who was evicted for stealing from the family car dealership, so Henry grudgingly recommends Shawn. He soon works out that the knave is desperate to pay off debts from illegal poker games. He finds Brandon, only to hear he pretended to make up just to steal from father's home safe. Shawn is convinced that the poker game is tricked and offers to prove so.
I'll raise.
I've got a good feeling
about this hand.
Too rich for me. Fold.
Big surprise, rookie.
That's all you ever do
is fold.
Call. What do you say to that,
big shot?
l say...
The last card didn't make
Mr. O'Grady's flush.
Mr. Duritz was smart to fold
'cause he missed his straight.
And you, Mr. Hastings,
your cards just stink.
You're bluffing. l call.
Two pair, Jacks and 7 s.
Oh! Damn it!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Every time.
FRANK: You'd think
we'd know better by now.
HENRY: What the hell is
goin' on here?
HENRY: Poker, Shawn? Poker?
What were you thinking?
l don't know.
l get bored waiting.
Oh, well,
why didn't you
just say so?
l mean, if you're bored,
l guess it's okay.
What is wrong with you?
How do you even know
how to play poker?
Mr. Hastings taught me.
Hastings, uh?
Well, l want it to stop.
Do you understand?
No more poker,
no more gambling.
You're too young.
Dad, l don't gamble.
l win.
You win? Oh, uh-huh.
And approximately
how often do you lose?
l don't know.
You don't know.
Well, l haven't lost yet.
How much?
How much did you win?
ls that it?
All right, son,
listen to me.
Just because
you can do something
doesn't always mean
that you should do it,
do you understand
what I'm saying?
No.
Hey, that's mine!
Not anymore.
Yes, it is!
Uh-uh, no. No, no, no, no.
I'm giving it away.
Giving it away.
Why? Because l can.
And according to
your little philosophy,
your poker philosophy,
if l can,
then l should, right?
l know it might seem like
you're gonna win every time,
Shawn,
but no matter
how good you are,
there's always somebody
who's better.
And there's one rule
in gambling,
the house always wins.
Eventually.
Do you understand
what l'm saying?
Don't gamble.
Not for money.
GUS: l got 10 bucks says
you can't make this shot. Ooh!
(GUS EXHALING)
Gus, l can't take your money.
That's right.
'Cause you can't
make the shot.
l could easily
make the shot,
which is why
l can't take your money.
There's no sport in it.
l say you're all mouth.
I'm all mouth?
Yep.
All right.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Sail straight,
my precious.
Okay. Double or nothing.
Trivia question this time.
History.
Grover Cleveland.
Damn!
How do you do that?
It's the sweetness.
So, this is how
you spend your days.
Oh, my God!
Dad, what are
you doing here?
Nice. ls that the way
you greet all the people
that come through your door?
That's exactly
how l greet everyone.
Maybe that's why
business is down.
Hmm.
Are you gonna invite me in?
Oh, yeah, please...
No!
This could be a trick.
What's the rule with vampires,
don't they have to be
invited in?
What are you talking about,
Shawn?
Gus, you've seen
Lost Boys 14 times.
What's the rule?
You're on your own.
Is this all there is?
Actually, this is
the, uh, satellite office.
Main headquarters is
in an underground ice cave
Gus and I sculpted
last winter.
What about your license?
Ahem, my pilot's license?
It's out back in the Cessna.
Or perhaps you're referring
to my license to kill.
Revoked. Problems
at the Kazakhstan border.
I could give you
the details, but then
I'd have to kill you,
which l can't do because
my license to kill
has been revoked.
I'm talkin' about
your private eye license.
Well, you need one, don't ya?
Psychics are exempt
from the requirements.
Oh, well,
hurray for loopholes!
A little dark.
Probably could use
a couple more lamps, you know,
probably killing your eyes.
That outlet... Ah, yeah,
looks a little overloaded.
Yeah, l think that plasma,
you'd probably do better
by puttin' it on that wall,
you'd have less glare
comin' in through the window
in the afternoon.
You know what, Dad,
l really appreciate
you makin' the long drive down
and Feng Shui it up
sweet for us,
but we're kind of
in the middle
of something here.
What would that be, Shawn?
Would that be NBA
garbage can hoops,
or trivia super challenge?
Believe it or not,
we have an 11:00.
So maybe
we should wrap this up.
Yeah, it's a little too late
for that, Shawn.
l am your 11:00.
♪ ♪ I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know
They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end ♪ ♪
HENRY: Bill Peterson.
He owns Peterson Motors.
Met him about 20 years ago
when I grabbed
a couple of punks
boosting tires
off of his lot.
Shawn, shouldn't you be
writing some of this down?
Why would I do that?
Will there be a quiz?
Just shut up
and pay attention.
I got a call
from him yesterday.
He's got a kid, Brandon.
He's just a little younger
than you.
He thinks his son might be
mixed up in something.
Like what?
Well, he'll fill you in
when he gets here.
The point is, he doesn't want
the cops involved.
So, he called me.
And you said...
I said I'm retired
and he should definitely
involve the cops.
Sweet. You came all the way
down here to tell us that.
Awesome.
No, Shawn. He doesn't want
his son in trouble,
and I might have mentioned
to Peterson accidentally
that, you, uh...
You might be able to help.
Whoa, time out!
Flag on the play!
Did you vouch for me?
No, I wouldn't say
I exactly vouched for you.
Gus, Henry vouched for me.
I did not vouch for you!
You were bragging on me.
You have a dad-crush on me.
Shawn, I was not
bragging on you.
I merely restated stats
about your track record
that are in the newspaper.
Let's hug it out.
Put your arms down.
Gimme a hug.
Put your...
No, I'm not gonna give you...
If I'd known that
Peterson was gonna
insist on hiring you,
l would've blasted
your character outright
and I would've mentioned
your unnatural fear
of pointy things.
Ah!
Distaste for pointy things.
Please,
just do me this one favor.
Would you listen
to the man's story,
tell him you can't help?
Send him to the cops,
and whatever you do,
don't do it with all that
rolling your eyes around
and all that floppy crap.
What is this?
First of all,
I don't flop around
all the time, okay?
My game is predicated
on finesse.
How dare
you criticize my job?
He's here, he's here.
Okay, don't tell him
I came by.
You got a back way
out of this place?
You came through it.
Oh, right.
(PETERSON CLEARING THROAT)
Excuse me, you Shawn?
Yes, that's correct,
Mr. Peterson.
Wow, that is my name.
Don't be
too impressed, Bill,
l could have gotten
that information anywhere.
After all,
Peterson Motors is gigantic.
Yeah, well,
I'm suitably impressed.
Don't be. Burton Guster.
Pleasure to meet you.
Look, I'll get right to it.
l have a son, Brandon.
Up until a few weeks ago,
he worked for me.
Now he's disappeared.
What happened
a few weeks ago?
I fired him.
He was lazy,
directionless.
I thought I could get him
to buckle down,
focus in on something.
How did that go?
Well, he's been evicted
from his apartment,
his cell phone's been cut off
and he forged a check
from my account
to the tune of $30,000.
I need to find my son.
Can you help me?
Well, Mr. Peterson,
this sounds like a case
for the police.
Let me get you a number.
Gus, don't be a gooey
chocolate chip cookie.
What?
This is precisely
what we do here, sir.
We find people.
We'll find your Brandon.
Okay, make sure
we are not disturbed.
I need five minutes
uninterrupted.
Make sure no one comes in.
Yeah.
VICK: What's with
all the secrecy, O'Hara?
I've got a real mind-bender.
Problem with
the railway theft?
No. It's a detective.
Is this something
for Internal Affairs?
It's Detective Lassiter.
What's the problem
with our Head Detective?
Well, it's his birthday.
Oh, that's not a problem.
Yeah! It is!
He seems quiet.
He is quiet.
That's who he is.
Look, O'Hara, I think
it's nice that you care
for your partner,
but he is a grown man.
He'll be fine.
l just thought
it would be nice
to surprise him.
Oh...
Detective Lassiter
does not like surprises.
Of course he likes surprises.
Everybody likes surprises.
Detective Lassiter
has a very particular
comfort zone.
And you don't even wanna
know what we now call the
Secret Santa Debacle of 2005.
l just wanted to do
something nice for him,
but nobody seems to know
what he likes!
Well, you're his partner,
shouldn't you know?
Well, we don't really talk.
l mean, he doesn't.
He nods and responds mostly.
He never really
poses a question.
Although sometimes he asks
if we can ride in silence.
O'Hara, your heart
is in the right place,
but l am very sure
that you're gonna have to
do this yourself.
Okay, fine.
Shawn, what are we doin' here?
Brandon's dad said
he was evicted.
Gus, let me
ask you something.
When's the last time
you were evicted
from your apartment?
Never!
Exactly.
You wouldn't understand.
This is my world.
So the landlord keeps
Brandon's stuff as collateral.
Brandon comes back,
the landlord gets paid,
Brandon doesn't,
there's a garage sale.
Well, the buzzer upstairs
says that his is 227.
227? Marla Gibbs.
Regina King.
Jackée!
Hal Williams.
Hal Williams?
Hal Williams
as Lester Jenkins.
Yeah, right.
Looks like somebody
took a screwdriver
to this thing.
Lemme see.
Okay, so Brandon needed
something inside here,
but he couldn't get in.
If you were in his shoes,
what would you do next?
First of all,
l'd feel very
ashamed of myself.
Tell me about it.
But then,
l think l'd come back
with some scissors.
(SHAWN GRUNTlNG)
Let's see if we can find
what he's reaching for.
Yeah, lemme reach.
My reach is better.
Excuse me?
What?
When exactly did we have
a reaching contest?
My reach has always
been better.
But my arms are slender-erer.
Slender-erer?
What?
Slendererer...
Skinnier?
Yes.
You know what? You're right.
My biceps probably wouldn't
fit through this thing anyway.
l knew you'd fall for that!
(GRUNTlNG)
Let me see.
Hmm. Final notice,
final notice, final notice,
plus an eviction?
Gosh, this kid has
some serious
cash flow problems.
No wonder why
he stole from his pops.
What do you got?
A bunch of pawnshops.
Whoa! Wait a second.
If you're a guy
with an apartment,
what's the one thing
you definitely don't have?
l don't know. A horse?
A horse, that's true!
(lMlTATlNG BUZZER)
Answer we were looking for
was yard or garden.
l would have accepted
both yard and garden.
l was joking, Shawn.
So if you're a guy
without a yard or a garden...
Shawn!
...why would you have
a business card
for a garden supply store?
What is R-R-L-R-L-L?
Rrlrll. Rrlrll.
Of course. Rrlrll.
No, no. Rrlrll! Rrlrll.
What does it mean?
We should probably
figure that out, huh?
You think?
GUS: How long are we
gonna sit here?
Brandon might not even
show up.
When l suggested
we do a stakeout,
you were, like,
''No, no, we need to do
something active.''
l am doing
something active.
What?
l'm preparing to try
and enjoy this chalupa.
Odd.
No, what's odd,
the customers that keep
driving into this place.
Look at these cars.
They're ridiculous!
They're all fancy
and what not.
Not exactly what you'd use
to pick up shrubs
and fertilizer.
Let's see what
these people are up to.
Let's go!
SHAWN: Ah!
Wrong turn.
What the...
Dude, it's a maze.
What is ''R-R-L-R-L-L''?
Shawn, what are you doing?
Right, right.
Dude, the letters on
the back of that card
were directions.
Follow me.
All right.
Right.
Rrlrll...
Rrlrll, rrlrll.
Shawn!
Right.
Left...
Left...
(SlGHlNG) Yes!
Whoa, wait a second.
Wait a second.
Maybe we should
take a peek and see what
we're getting into, Shawn.
Ooh, you know
what this is, Shawn?
It's one of those
underground poker games.
My poker buddies
talk about them.
SHAWN: Since when do you have
poker buddies?
My online poker buddies,
Shawn.
l'm good.
l'm up $7 million dollars.
You have $7 million dollars
and you failed to mention it
to me till just now?
It's not real money, Shawn.
That's illegal.
Rough luck there again, huh?
Yeah, a bit of bad luck.
Dude, you should get
in this game.
How?
These games are tight.
You gotta know somebody
to get in.
Well, let's just throw
Brandon's name around,
maybe they'll let us in.
Uh, yeah, one more hand,
l'll get it.
It's just not working out
for you today, is it?
No. Not right now.
l'll tell you what.
Why don't you stand up here?
l'm just gonna...
Come on. Come here.
It's okay. It's okay.
Okay.
Just relax now.
Put your hand up
like this.
Why?
Just hold it up.
There you go.
Now, maybe next time,
you won't force me
into such a barbaric form
of retribution.
Good news, there appears
to be a seat opening up.
Still, l think our best
course of action would be...
Get the hell outta here!
Go!
Go! Go, go!
l want you to know
l cannot hear
anything you say!
Shawn,
what the hell is going on?
What the...
Shawn, what are you doing?
It's his ongoing
sensory-deprivation
experiment,
sharpening one sense
by denying others.
In this case, he can't hear,
which only amplifies
his sense of smell.
What?
Amazing!
That's one word for it.
l need complete
and utter silence.
What do you need
silence for, Shawn,
if you can't hear anything?
Shh!
Please! Henry,
let the boy work.
l smell chips!
Potato, po-tah-to!
Let's call
the whole thing off!
Mr. Peterson,
l want you to grab my arm.
Both hands,
like you're doing a pull-up.
Feel the burn.
l will now become a conduit
to your son's thoughts.
Please, clear your mind
and your nasal passages.
Think of nothing but Brandon
and those chips.
Gus, present spuds!
l'm getting something.
It's not clear.
That's a shocker.
Oh, ah, l'm wrong!
It's not potato!
Gus, lose the spuds!
Chips! Ponch! John!
Striker! Cracker! Poker!
Poker? l hardly know her!
Shawn.
Poker chips!
Well, what the hell do
poker chips smell like, Shawn?
They smell
like butterflies.
Poker chips...
And playing cards.
Ah!
What?
What about the poker chips
and the playing cards?
Ah! Gus, it burns!
(GRUNTS)
(PANTlNG)
The link has been broken.
l'll have to read the cards,
see what they say.
Shawn!
There's your son.
Notice there are no diamonds
around him.
Well,
diamonds represent wealth.
So Brandon lost his wealth
playing poker?
That's correct, Gus.
Yeah, well,
what do all these clubs
around him mean, Shawn?
Clubs, clubs are like
clover.
He's been playing poker
in a garden.
With this guy.
We need a name.
Has he mentioned
any of the guys
he plays poker with?
DumbLuck2.
That was his online
screen name.
l kept seeing it
on his computer
when he was supposed
to be working.
DumbLuck2.
Here, you can have Brandon.
Thanks.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
MRS. LASSITER.: Hello?
Hi, Mrs. Lassiter?
Yes? Who is this?
What do you want?
It's about your son.
Oh, no! It's the phone caII!
Oh, no! No, no, no, no!
It's not... It's not that.
Well, then,
who the hell are you?
l'm his partner.
But you're a woman.
Yes. Shocking, isn't it?
What are you,
fulfilling a quota?
If you get him shot...
I'm not getting him shot!
l just need to ask
a few personal questions.
PersonaI questions?
You're not a cop.
This is some kind of
Internet scam, isn't it?
You'II want my Social Security
number next, right?
Well, suck lemons, Cookie-puss!
You're gettin' nothin'
out of me!
No. No, no, no. It's just...
It's his birthday.
It's coming up and l...
Who told you that?
Excuse me?
Booker doesn't celebrate
his birthdays.
(SNlCKERS) Booker?
Damn it!
Oh, you're good, Tricky-pants.
Well, l just want you to know
this phone call is now
being recorded.
Um, l just need to get
some inside information
because l wanna surprise him.
Why are you asking me?
Why don't you ask his wife?
Well, l didn't exactly think
that was appropriate
with them being separated
and all.
They're what?
Nothing.
My son is separated?
No...
l mean, l don't know.
Uh, please don't tell him
that you know.
Please don't tell him
that l told you. l really...
l had no idea.
Can we please just pretend
this conversation
never happened?
(DlAL TONE BUZZlNG)
Hello?
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Lassiter.
Mother?
What?
What do you mean you want
your wedding ring back?
SHAWN: What are you doing?
l'm playing online poker,
Shawn.
l know l knew that name,
DumbLuck2.
l've played Brandon before,
right here, and l beat him.
l figured l'd hang out,
see if he logs on.
Hmm.
Looks like a full house, huh?
How did you know that?
You went...
l don't do that, Shawn.
l didn't do that!
Two pair.
l'd call. And raise.
You're sitting
on pocket rockets.
You're not gonna do
any better than that.
Seriously,
how do you do that?
It's a good thing you're not
a real poker player, Gus.
You'd lose more money
than Brandon.
l'm a stellar player, Shawn.
And don't think...
Wait a second.
What?
He's on now! Brandon.
Great! Bring him in.
Bring him in how?
Say, ''Hey, Brandon,
your dad's looking for you''?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a second here,
time out.
What?
You're ''BigKitty75''?
Yeah, as in the kitty,
you know, the pot.
The kitty?
Yes, 75.
7 4 other ''Big Kitties''
came before you?
Yeah, Shawn,
there were 7 4 of 'em.
All right. All right.
Does Kitty have a profile?
It's Big Kitty,
and no, l don't!
Perfect. Scoot over.
Give me some room
to operate here.
What are you doing?
Baiting the hook, Gus.
Baiting the hook? How?
You can't do this, Shawn!
This is my account!
Shh, relax.
Don't you tell me to...
You don't have a profile.
They don't know
if ''Big Kitty'' is a man or...
l'm a man!
The players l play poker with,
chat with,
know that l'm a man, Shawn!
That's funny,
'cause it appears
Brandon thinks
that you're a...
A cheerleader?
''Where does a girl
go around here
for fun and games?''
Stop it, Shawn! Get the...
Relax!
l can't transfer
my bank!
l have
7 million bucks!
Oh!
Oh, what's my name?
Oh, l don't know.
Shawn...
BigKitty75.
Shawn...
You know, Kitty?
The Kitty...
Kitty-Cat? Feline!
Ah! Felicia.
''Felicia Fancy-bottom''?
What am l,
a James Bond villain?
Look, he's inviting us
into a private chat.
Don't do it, Shawn.
l'm telling you,
don't do it!
Buy me a drink?
l think that question's
for you, Felicia.
Where?
l don't know.
l--l can't...
Dude, where do you go
to hook up with dudes
you meet online?
(SNlCKERlNG)
That's not funny, Shawn.
Coffee with
Attitude Coffeehouse?
Bring a flower?
What do you think?
Poinsettia?
That's a plant, not a flower.
And it's out of season.
Perfect.
We'll see just how badly
he wants to impress
Big Felicia Fancy-bottom.
(SHRlEKlNG)
Ah! He's punctual.
l like that in a date.
Whoa, guys,
l'm expecting somebody,
actually.
We know.
Felicia.
Yeah, how do you know...
Huh. She's not comin', is she?
He's Felicia.
And l'm Felicia.
Great! Yeah, l knew it.
All hot internet women
are guys!
Of course, you're two guys,
which makes it doubly weird.
Sorry, Brandon,
but your Dad's
lookin' for you.
SHAWN: That's the rub.
He hired us.
Oh, yeah?
Well, the joke's on you
'cause l'm outta here.
Hey, we just wanna talk.
What's goin' on?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You, uh,
you know these guys?
Hey, relax.
Brandon and l are friends.
l just wanna talk to him
for a minute.
So how's it goin',
you good?
BRANDON: Yeah.
(GROANS)
Hey!
Whoa!
(COUGHlNG)
It's just so you don't forget.
You have until Monday.
Oh!
You were saying?
Well, it looks like
your dad's not the only one
who's lookin' for ya, huh?
All right, look.
You guys gotta give me
a break, okay?
l stole $30,000 dollars
from my dad
and then l lost it,
and more, to that jerk,
J.P. Berger.
So l can't go home,
not until l win enough
to pay everybody back.
What'd he say,
you've got till Monday?
Yeah, he did,
but see, the thing is,
l'm a better player
than he is. l am much better.
And yet he bent you
over his knee
and spanked you
in front of
the whole class.
But he shouldn't have!
l just... l just gotta
figure out how he did it.
Look, Brandon, it's simple.
You go to your dad
and convince him
to give you your job back.
And then you figure out a way
to pay this Berger back
his money.
Yeah,
that sounds really great.
But, guys,
l can't go back to work
for my dad.
Nothing l do is ever
good enough for that man,
nothing is right.
You have no idea
what that's like.
Look,
here's some brutal truth.
We're the only reasons
you're not in jail, or worse.
Your dad's done.
It took someone cashing in
a very old favor
to get us involved at all.
Now, you are not gonna
be able to play your way
out of this hole, baby boy!
So pack it in!
Pull the plug! Shut it down!
Leave the dead meat
in the freezer
and put on your Sunday best,
'cause it's Arbor Day, baby!
Okay. Fair enough.
Let's get this over with.
Take me to my father.
BRANDON: What'd l tell ya?
Morning till night,
the old man
never stops selling.
Want some advice?
Yeah, sure.
When you owe a man
$30,000 dollars,
l'd be careful about
criticizing his work ethic.
That's a good point.
You want us
to come with you?
No. No, you know what?
l screwed up on my own,
l am gonna face him
on my own.
That's very
Cameron Frye of you.
It's Cameron who?
Wow, are we that much
older than you?
What's that?
That's nothin'.
It's a good luck charm.
l mean, used to be.
But you know what?
Here. l don't need it.
l've given up cards,
l got no use for it.
Whoa! No, thanks.
Not really a jewelry guy.
Gus here is.
No, l'm not.
Sure you are.
Right.
Phew!
Let's get this over with,
right?
You tryin'
to pass that thing
off to me?
You liked it.
You like the sweet turquoise.
So you're telling me that
you've been working with him
for 15 years,
but you have no idea
what kind of food he likes?
He orders separate
when we get take-out.
Something about poison.
What are you doing?
Looking.
For what?
A mint.
l'm allergic to mint.
Ah-ha!
What?
Nothing.
l'm just happy.
Now l know
you don't like mint.
HENRY: Well, well.
Don't you look like hell.
l know l look
like hell, Dad.
Everyone who gets up
at this hour
looks like hell.
With the possible exception
of Matt Lauer and Diane Lane.
Mr. Peterson,
how are you, sir?
Something wrong?
No, no, Shawn,
everything is great.
That's why l woke your ass up,
had you zip down here
so Bill and l could tell you
how terrific everything is.
It's Brandon.
Brandon?
Well, he seemed fine when
we dropped him off yesterday,
maybe a little nervous.
Wait, wait, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
You found him?
Well, yeah, we did.
When was this?
Yesterday.
l'm sorry, sir,
l should have told you.
It was right before closing.
We could clearly see you
from Gus' car,
and he said he wanted
to come in by himself,
do this man-to-man,
you know, just you and him.
He didn't come in?
You never saw him?
Oh, we saw him, all right.
l got the reunion right here.
You wanna see it?
PETERSON: There he is,
there's my boy.
Guess he couldn't face me,
so he waited until
after l went home.
Not the safe?
He's breaking into
your safe?
Breaking in? No,
he didn't have to break in.
He's too smart for that.
He knows the combination!
There you have it.
Not quite the reunion
l imagined.
So tell me, psychic,
where's my son now?
SHAWN: Something's
bothering me, dude.
l'm never wrong!
You're always wrong,
what are you talkin' about?
That this kid should be
a better poker player, Gus.
That was a pretty good bluff.
Oh, dude, look!
What?
Right there.
That necklace thing.
That's horrible.
He wears his ridiculous
good luck charm into battle
the way that Superman
wears his cape,
or Rocky Balboa
wears his belt.
l bet you he's on his way
back to the maze
to take on Berger.
No, Berger's not gonna be
at the lawn and garden center.
Not this weekend.
Why not?
There's a tournament goin' on
where the winner gets a buy-in
to the World Poker Derby.
You know where that is?
Of course l do!
Phew!
Ooh! Phew! Ah!
Oh, it's flipping!
Ah, it wants to flip!
Oh, it wants to flop!
Dad!
(GRUNTlNG)
T.P.
Toilet paper... No.
Teri Polo.
Shawn...
T.P. Tee-pee.
Tee-pee with a chimmy...
Chimmy, chimmy-changa,
chimi-changa, Chaka Khan.
Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan.
Chimi-changa.
Cha-changa?
Cha-changa!
That's it.
You say tomato,
l say to-mah-to.
Cha-changa.
The Indian casino?
Cha-ching!
Damn it!
You were right, Henry.
How's that?
Maybe getting the police
involved is the only way
to get his attention.
May l have that DVD, please?
(SHAWN EXCLAlMS)
No.
Excuse me?
Shawn!
Not yet.
Why?
Let's give him another chance.
l'm sensing there's
more to this story, sir.
He's actually
a pretty good poker player.
l'm getting a very,
very strong
psychic vibration
he's gonna lose
big!
Not with my money
he's not.
Let's go.
Oh, God.
We're outta here.
No, Dad. Dad, l can't.
Would you rather
l call the police
and show them a certain video
of you looting my safe?
l know,
l'm sorry about all that.
No, Brandon. Let's go.
No, Dad, Dad,
l'm in more trouble here
than you think.
l'm already in!
And they don't give refunds
here.
Fine.
l'll play.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You?
You know what?
Actually, sir,
this is your call.
l work for you.
But keep in mind
that l am a psychic
and, unlike any of these
other players,
l come with
a money-back guarantee.
What do you think, Henry?
Can he win?
Dad, I don't gamble. I win.
Yeah. He can win.
So, what's the deal?
GUS: Shawn and Berger
drew opposite tables.
The only way for him
face Berger is if he beats
everyone at his table,
makes it to the finals,
and wins.
Check.
God, must be rough.
Sorry?
You picked the wrong week
to quit smoking, dude.
There's a tournament
happening here.
What are you talking about?
What is this about?
ls this about
your lady friend, huh?
Your special girl back home?
She doesn't like it?
Look at the cards, guys, huh?
Lot of possibilities
on the table right now.
Lot of possibilities.
Fifty thousand.
(WHlSTLES)
Midnight oil says no! No!
Call.
Ay-ay-ay, action.
Action in my fanny pack.
All right, l'll call you both.
SHAWN: You didn't catch
your straight, did you?
Hundred thousand.
Fold.
You let me down.
You let me down.
Ronnie!
What?
This can be your time,
right here, right now.
You think you can mess
with my head, too?
Here's the thing,
l'm a psychic.
So if l had to guess,
which l don't, l'd say yes.
Yes, l can mess with your head
and l can put an entire
sandwich in your hair.
Well, you know what?
l'm not playing
with a psychic.
It's against the rules.
Against the rules?
No, guys, guys,
l checked the rulebook.
l looked in the index
under ''P''.
It mentioned polygamy,
pancakes, and pterodactyls.
Who knew pterodactyl started
with a ''P''?
l bet you did. You did.
It's not against the rules,
Ronnie. It's cool.
No, it's not cool.
Look at your stack, man.
Everything's here.
Everything's here.
l need you here.
Take a risk, man!
Bluff it up!
l'll raise you
two hundred thousand.
You just bluffed
to prove to me
that you could bluff.
Ronnie...
l call this move
the all in.
Ronnie with the origami.
(LAUGHlNG)
Oh! Oh!
ANNOUNCER.:
Center tabIe showdown,
Shawn Spencer
and J.P. Berger.
All in.
All in?
CROUPlER: All in?
Yeah, but he shouldn't have.
I just gotta figure out
how he did it.
Wait!
Wait, wait, wait.
The chips demand
we stop the game.
What the hell
is going on here?
Shh! l can't hear them
if you're talking, Berger.
What?
Really?
You guys sure about this?
Chips say
you're a cheater-cheater
pumpkin-eater!
(SHAWN LAUGHlNG)
ls that right?
SHAWN: Yeah.
And how do they know that?
We're really supposed to
believe that you're psychic
or something!
If you were psychic,
l wouldn't be cleaning
your clock right now.
Cleaning my clock?
What does that mean, Berger?
What, you'd take time out
of your day to clean
another man's timepiece?
And if so,
that would be a bad thing?
No, l would be gracious.
l would say, ''J.P., dude,
''thanks for
spritzing my watch.''
Besides, it doesn't matter.
Doesn't take a psychic
to figure out that
these cards are marked.
You know what,
if you had been
paying attention,
you'd realize that
the decks were all sealed.
Shh! He's saying
the decks are sealed.
What do you got for me?
Well, come on, guys,
speed it up!
Check the...
Oh!
For shame!
You dirty filthy rascal
with the suede-suede head.
Ah-ha!
SHAWN: Face card.
Face card.
Well, how's that possible?
These are brand-new decks.
We got spotters
on every table.
But you didn't check
your dealers!
Okay, l'm on the dealer.
What do you got for me?
Hair clip? Hair clip!
Of course.
You! You stand up!
l'm sorry, ah...
Wait, let me...
Hold on! This...
Oh, my, there's
some kind of invisible ink
on this hair clip,
and every time she fussed
with her ponytail,
and l think we can all agree
it's a fetching tail,
it's a silky tail,
she got the ink on her fingers
and then she put her fingers
on the cards!
And then her special partner
with his special
rose-colored glasses
could see that everything
is turning up faces.
All right.
We're not partners.
Put a hold on
all these chips here.
This is ridiculous!
Take these two into custody
until we sort this out.
This is ridiculous!
You're ridiculous!
For shame!
That is so much money.
l'll, uh,
l'll let you guys
make it right.
(SlGHS) Well, now l know
why l always lost to Berger.
It wasn't me.
But, um,
it was me stealin' from you
and lying to you,
and, Dad, for that,
l really am sorry.
Well,
l appreciate the apology, Son.
But you're gonna have to
do a lot more than that
to earn my trust back.
Thank you.
No, thank, thank you,
Mr. Peterson!
No, thank you.
SHAWN:
No, seriously, thank you.
Shut up!
Okay.
Dude! $7,500?
Peterson is a generous man.
This is our most
profitable case ever!
l know, l got plans!
Pay off the flat screen,
consolidate our loans,
and pay off the bulk
in a lump sum!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh!
Or...
What...
We double up, right here,
right now.
What?
Come on, Gus, think about it,
seriously, fifteen large?
What are you talkin' about,
Shawn?
We could go to Aruba.
Shawn...
Cozumel.
Shawn!
lbeeza.
lt's lbiza!
Dude, we could rent
a jet to lbiza.
Don't even think about it!
Rule number one of gambling,
do not think.
That's not a rule, Shawn!
Rule number two,
always bet on black.
Money plays.
Whoa, but...
Isn't that right, Steve?
l can't believe
you did that!
(SlGHS) Look, l told you
that's why l don't gamble,
Gus.
Shut up, Shawn!
What did Wesley say
in Passenger 57?
l don't want to talk about it!
He said,
''Always bet on black.''
So l did!
Yeah. Here you go.
They're cold.
Um, Lassiter leads
a really different
private life.
Yeah...
l mean, who'd have thought
he was into bikes?
l guess.
Hi.
Well, some of these people
look really familiar.
Yeah! l know, to me, too!
But l haven't had a chance
to talk to any of them yet.
l see his car!
l see his car!
What? Oh! Everybody hide!
Hide!
(JULlET WHlSPERlNG)
What the hell?
ALL: Surprise!
JULlET: Whoa! Whoa!
No, it's okay.
MAN: Whoa! Move it!
JULlET: Oh! Oh, my gosh,
no, no, no!
No, no, no, Carlton!
Hey! lt's a party,
it's a party!
lt's what?
For your birthday! Surprise!
Why are these people
at my house?
They're your friends.
No, they're not.
Yeah, they are!
l got 'em out
of your address book.
You took my book?
Yes, l admit it,
l opened your desk.
l didn't want to load you up
with a bunch of work people,
so l just invited the ones
with stars by their names.
These are all people
l put in jail.
The stars are
repeat offenders.
You keep a little black book
of people you've arrested?
Of course l do.
Why?
To drive by and check on them.
Um, um, oh, Carlton,
where are you going?
To pack!
Why?
Because now they know
where l live!
Happy Birthday, dude!
Happy Birthday!
MAN: Nice house!
(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)
♪ ♪ In between the lines
there's a lot of obscurity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ If it's aII right
then you're aII wrong ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ But why bounce around
to the same damn song? ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ You'd rather run
when you can't crawI ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know
They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪
I've got a good feeling
about this hand.
Too rich for me. Fold.
Big surprise, rookie.
That's all you ever do
is fold.
Call. What do you say to that,
big shot?
l say...
The last card didn't make
Mr. O'Grady's flush.
Mr. Duritz was smart to fold
'cause he missed his straight.
And you, Mr. Hastings,
your cards just stink.
You're bluffing. l call.
Two pair, Jacks and 7 s.
Oh! Damn it!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Every time.
FRANK: You'd think
we'd know better by now.
HENRY: What the hell is
goin' on here?
HENRY: Poker, Shawn? Poker?
What were you thinking?
l don't know.
l get bored waiting.
Oh, well,
why didn't you
just say so?
l mean, if you're bored,
l guess it's okay.
What is wrong with you?
How do you even know
how to play poker?
Mr. Hastings taught me.
Hastings, uh?
Well, l want it to stop.
Do you understand?
No more poker,
no more gambling.
You're too young.
Dad, l don't gamble.
l win.
You win? Oh, uh-huh.
And approximately
how often do you lose?
l don't know.
You don't know.
Well, l haven't lost yet.
How much?
How much did you win?
ls that it?
All right, son,
listen to me.
Just because
you can do something
doesn't always mean
that you should do it,
do you understand
what I'm saying?
No.
Hey, that's mine!
Not anymore.
Yes, it is!
Uh-uh, no. No, no, no, no.
I'm giving it away.
Giving it away.
Why? Because l can.
And according to
your little philosophy,
your poker philosophy,
if l can,
then l should, right?
l know it might seem like
you're gonna win every time,
Shawn,
but no matter
how good you are,
there's always somebody
who's better.
And there's one rule
in gambling,
the house always wins.
Eventually.
Do you understand
what l'm saying?
Don't gamble.
Not for money.
GUS: l got 10 bucks says
you can't make this shot. Ooh!
(GUS EXHALING)
Gus, l can't take your money.
That's right.
'Cause you can't
make the shot.
l could easily
make the shot,
which is why
l can't take your money.
There's no sport in it.
l say you're all mouth.
I'm all mouth?
Yep.
All right.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Sail straight,
my precious.
Okay. Double or nothing.
Trivia question this time.
History.
Grover Cleveland.
Damn!
How do you do that?
It's the sweetness.
So, this is how
you spend your days.
Oh, my God!
Dad, what are
you doing here?
Nice. ls that the way
you greet all the people
that come through your door?
That's exactly
how l greet everyone.
Maybe that's why
business is down.
Hmm.
Are you gonna invite me in?
Oh, yeah, please...
No!
This could be a trick.
What's the rule with vampires,
don't they have to be
invited in?
What are you talking about,
Shawn?
Gus, you've seen
Lost Boys 14 times.
What's the rule?
You're on your own.
Is this all there is?
Actually, this is
the, uh, satellite office.
Main headquarters is
in an underground ice cave
Gus and I sculpted
last winter.
What about your license?
Ahem, my pilot's license?
It's out back in the Cessna.
Or perhaps you're referring
to my license to kill.
Revoked. Problems
at the Kazakhstan border.
I could give you
the details, but then
I'd have to kill you,
which l can't do because
my license to kill
has been revoked.
I'm talkin' about
your private eye license.
Well, you need one, don't ya?
Psychics are exempt
from the requirements.
Oh, well,
hurray for loopholes!
A little dark.
Probably could use
a couple more lamps, you know,
probably killing your eyes.
That outlet... Ah, yeah,
looks a little overloaded.
Yeah, l think that plasma,
you'd probably do better
by puttin' it on that wall,
you'd have less glare
comin' in through the window
in the afternoon.
You know what, Dad,
l really appreciate
you makin' the long drive down
and Feng Shui it up
sweet for us,
but we're kind of
in the middle
of something here.
What would that be, Shawn?
Would that be NBA
garbage can hoops,
or trivia super challenge?
Believe it or not,
we have an 11:00.
So maybe
we should wrap this up.
Yeah, it's a little too late
for that, Shawn.
l am your 11:00.
♪ ♪ I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know
They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end ♪ ♪
HENRY: Bill Peterson.
He owns Peterson Motors.
Met him about 20 years ago
when I grabbed
a couple of punks
boosting tires
off of his lot.
Shawn, shouldn't you be
writing some of this down?
Why would I do that?
Will there be a quiz?
Just shut up
and pay attention.
I got a call
from him yesterday.
He's got a kid, Brandon.
He's just a little younger
than you.
He thinks his son might be
mixed up in something.
Like what?
Well, he'll fill you in
when he gets here.
The point is, he doesn't want
the cops involved.
So, he called me.
And you said...
I said I'm retired
and he should definitely
involve the cops.
Sweet. You came all the way
down here to tell us that.
Awesome.
No, Shawn. He doesn't want
his son in trouble,
and I might have mentioned
to Peterson accidentally
that, you, uh...
You might be able to help.
Whoa, time out!
Flag on the play!
Did you vouch for me?
No, I wouldn't say
I exactly vouched for you.
Gus, Henry vouched for me.
I did not vouch for you!
You were bragging on me.
You have a dad-crush on me.
Shawn, I was not
bragging on you.
I merely restated stats
about your track record
that are in the newspaper.
Let's hug it out.
Put your arms down.
Gimme a hug.
Put your...
No, I'm not gonna give you...
If I'd known that
Peterson was gonna
insist on hiring you,
l would've blasted
your character outright
and I would've mentioned
your unnatural fear
of pointy things.
Ah!
Distaste for pointy things.
Please,
just do me this one favor.
Would you listen
to the man's story,
tell him you can't help?
Send him to the cops,
and whatever you do,
don't do it with all that
rolling your eyes around
and all that floppy crap.
What is this?
First of all,
I don't flop around
all the time, okay?
My game is predicated
on finesse.
How dare
you criticize my job?
He's here, he's here.
Okay, don't tell him
I came by.
You got a back way
out of this place?
You came through it.
Oh, right.
(PETERSON CLEARING THROAT)
Excuse me, you Shawn?
Yes, that's correct,
Mr. Peterson.
Wow, that is my name.
Don't be
too impressed, Bill,
l could have gotten
that information anywhere.
After all,
Peterson Motors is gigantic.
Yeah, well,
I'm suitably impressed.
Don't be. Burton Guster.
Pleasure to meet you.
Look, I'll get right to it.
l have a son, Brandon.
Up until a few weeks ago,
he worked for me.
Now he's disappeared.
What happened
a few weeks ago?
I fired him.
He was lazy,
directionless.
I thought I could get him
to buckle down,
focus in on something.
How did that go?
Well, he's been evicted
from his apartment,
his cell phone's been cut off
and he forged a check
from my account
to the tune of $30,000.
I need to find my son.
Can you help me?
Well, Mr. Peterson,
this sounds like a case
for the police.
Let me get you a number.
Gus, don't be a gooey
chocolate chip cookie.
What?
This is precisely
what we do here, sir.
We find people.
We'll find your Brandon.
Okay, make sure
we are not disturbed.
I need five minutes
uninterrupted.
Make sure no one comes in.
Yeah.
VICK: What's with
all the secrecy, O'Hara?
I've got a real mind-bender.
Problem with
the railway theft?
No. It's a detective.
Is this something
for Internal Affairs?
It's Detective Lassiter.
What's the problem
with our Head Detective?
Well, it's his birthday.
Oh, that's not a problem.
Yeah! It is!
He seems quiet.
He is quiet.
That's who he is.
Look, O'Hara, I think
it's nice that you care
for your partner,
but he is a grown man.
He'll be fine.
l just thought
it would be nice
to surprise him.
Oh...
Detective Lassiter
does not like surprises.
Of course he likes surprises.
Everybody likes surprises.
Detective Lassiter
has a very particular
comfort zone.
And you don't even wanna
know what we now call the
Secret Santa Debacle of 2005.
l just wanted to do
something nice for him,
but nobody seems to know
what he likes!
Well, you're his partner,
shouldn't you know?
Well, we don't really talk.
l mean, he doesn't.
He nods and responds mostly.
He never really
poses a question.
Although sometimes he asks
if we can ride in silence.
O'Hara, your heart
is in the right place,
but l am very sure
that you're gonna have to
do this yourself.
Okay, fine.
Shawn, what are we doin' here?
Brandon's dad said
he was evicted.
Gus, let me
ask you something.
When's the last time
you were evicted
from your apartment?
Never!
Exactly.
You wouldn't understand.
This is my world.
So the landlord keeps
Brandon's stuff as collateral.
Brandon comes back,
the landlord gets paid,
Brandon doesn't,
there's a garage sale.
Well, the buzzer upstairs
says that his is 227.
227? Marla Gibbs.
Regina King.
Jackée!
Hal Williams.
Hal Williams?
Hal Williams
as Lester Jenkins.
Yeah, right.
Looks like somebody
took a screwdriver
to this thing.
Lemme see.
Okay, so Brandon needed
something inside here,
but he couldn't get in.
If you were in his shoes,
what would you do next?
First of all,
l'd feel very
ashamed of myself.
Tell me about it.
But then,
l think l'd come back
with some scissors.
(SHAWN GRUNTlNG)
Let's see if we can find
what he's reaching for.
Yeah, lemme reach.
My reach is better.
Excuse me?
What?
When exactly did we have
a reaching contest?
My reach has always
been better.
But my arms are slender-erer.
Slender-erer?
What?
Slendererer...
Skinnier?
Yes.
You know what? You're right.
My biceps probably wouldn't
fit through this thing anyway.
l knew you'd fall for that!
(GRUNTlNG)
Let me see.
Hmm. Final notice,
final notice, final notice,
plus an eviction?
Gosh, this kid has
some serious
cash flow problems.
No wonder why
he stole from his pops.
What do you got?
A bunch of pawnshops.
Whoa! Wait a second.
If you're a guy
with an apartment,
what's the one thing
you definitely don't have?
l don't know. A horse?
A horse, that's true!
(lMlTATlNG BUZZER)
Answer we were looking for
was yard or garden.
l would have accepted
both yard and garden.
l was joking, Shawn.
So if you're a guy
without a yard or a garden...
Shawn!
...why would you have
a business card
for a garden supply store?
What is R-R-L-R-L-L?
Rrlrll. Rrlrll.
Of course. Rrlrll.
No, no. Rrlrll! Rrlrll.
What does it mean?
We should probably
figure that out, huh?
You think?
GUS: How long are we
gonna sit here?
Brandon might not even
show up.
When l suggested
we do a stakeout,
you were, like,
''No, no, we need to do
something active.''
l am doing
something active.
What?
l'm preparing to try
and enjoy this chalupa.
Odd.
No, what's odd,
the customers that keep
driving into this place.
Look at these cars.
They're ridiculous!
They're all fancy
and what not.
Not exactly what you'd use
to pick up shrubs
and fertilizer.
Let's see what
these people are up to.
Let's go!
SHAWN: Ah!
Wrong turn.
What the...
Dude, it's a maze.
What is ''R-R-L-R-L-L''?
Shawn, what are you doing?
Right, right.
Dude, the letters on
the back of that card
were directions.
Follow me.
All right.
Right.
Rrlrll...
Rrlrll, rrlrll.
Shawn!
Right.
Left...
Left...
(SlGHlNG) Yes!
Whoa, wait a second.
Wait a second.
Maybe we should
take a peek and see what
we're getting into, Shawn.
Ooh, you know
what this is, Shawn?
It's one of those
underground poker games.
My poker buddies
talk about them.
SHAWN: Since when do you have
poker buddies?
My online poker buddies,
Shawn.
l'm good.
l'm up $7 million dollars.
You have $7 million dollars
and you failed to mention it
to me till just now?
It's not real money, Shawn.
That's illegal.
Rough luck there again, huh?
Yeah, a bit of bad luck.
Dude, you should get
in this game.
How?
These games are tight.
You gotta know somebody
to get in.
Well, let's just throw
Brandon's name around,
maybe they'll let us in.
Uh, yeah, one more hand,
l'll get it.
It's just not working out
for you today, is it?
No. Not right now.
l'll tell you what.
Why don't you stand up here?
l'm just gonna...
Come on. Come here.
It's okay. It's okay.
Okay.
Just relax now.
Put your hand up
like this.
Why?
Just hold it up.
There you go.
Now, maybe next time,
you won't force me
into such a barbaric form
of retribution.
Good news, there appears
to be a seat opening up.
Still, l think our best
course of action would be...
Get the hell outta here!
Go!
Go! Go, go!
l want you to know
l cannot hear
anything you say!
Shawn,
what the hell is going on?
What the...
Shawn, what are you doing?
It's his ongoing
sensory-deprivation
experiment,
sharpening one sense
by denying others.
In this case, he can't hear,
which only amplifies
his sense of smell.
What?
Amazing!
That's one word for it.
l need complete
and utter silence.
What do you need
silence for, Shawn,
if you can't hear anything?
Shh!
Please! Henry,
let the boy work.
l smell chips!
Potato, po-tah-to!
Let's call
the whole thing off!
Mr. Peterson,
l want you to grab my arm.
Both hands,
like you're doing a pull-up.
Feel the burn.
l will now become a conduit
to your son's thoughts.
Please, clear your mind
and your nasal passages.
Think of nothing but Brandon
and those chips.
Gus, present spuds!
l'm getting something.
It's not clear.
That's a shocker.
Oh, ah, l'm wrong!
It's not potato!
Gus, lose the spuds!
Chips! Ponch! John!
Striker! Cracker! Poker!
Poker? l hardly know her!
Shawn.
Poker chips!
Well, what the hell do
poker chips smell like, Shawn?
They smell
like butterflies.
Poker chips...
And playing cards.
Ah!
What?
What about the poker chips
and the playing cards?
Ah! Gus, it burns!
(GRUNTS)
(PANTlNG)
The link has been broken.
l'll have to read the cards,
see what they say.
Shawn!
There's your son.
Notice there are no diamonds
around him.
Well,
diamonds represent wealth.
So Brandon lost his wealth
playing poker?
That's correct, Gus.
Yeah, well,
what do all these clubs
around him mean, Shawn?
Clubs, clubs are like
clover.
He's been playing poker
in a garden.
With this guy.
We need a name.
Has he mentioned
any of the guys
he plays poker with?
DumbLuck2.
That was his online
screen name.
l kept seeing it
on his computer
when he was supposed
to be working.
DumbLuck2.
Here, you can have Brandon.
Thanks.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
MRS. LASSITER.: Hello?
Hi, Mrs. Lassiter?
Yes? Who is this?
What do you want?
It's about your son.
Oh, no! It's the phone caII!
Oh, no! No, no, no, no!
It's not... It's not that.
Well, then,
who the hell are you?
l'm his partner.
But you're a woman.
Yes. Shocking, isn't it?
What are you,
fulfilling a quota?
If you get him shot...
I'm not getting him shot!
l just need to ask
a few personal questions.
PersonaI questions?
You're not a cop.
This is some kind of
Internet scam, isn't it?
You'II want my Social Security
number next, right?
Well, suck lemons, Cookie-puss!
You're gettin' nothin'
out of me!
No. No, no, no. It's just...
It's his birthday.
It's coming up and l...
Who told you that?
Excuse me?
Booker doesn't celebrate
his birthdays.
(SNlCKERS) Booker?
Damn it!
Oh, you're good, Tricky-pants.
Well, l just want you to know
this phone call is now
being recorded.
Um, l just need to get
some inside information
because l wanna surprise him.
Why are you asking me?
Why don't you ask his wife?
Well, l didn't exactly think
that was appropriate
with them being separated
and all.
They're what?
Nothing.
My son is separated?
No...
l mean, l don't know.
Uh, please don't tell him
that you know.
Please don't tell him
that l told you. l really...
l had no idea.
Can we please just pretend
this conversation
never happened?
(DlAL TONE BUZZlNG)
Hello?
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Lassiter.
Mother?
What?
What do you mean you want
your wedding ring back?
SHAWN: What are you doing?
l'm playing online poker,
Shawn.
l know l knew that name,
DumbLuck2.
l've played Brandon before,
right here, and l beat him.
l figured l'd hang out,
see if he logs on.
Hmm.
Looks like a full house, huh?
How did you know that?
You went...
l don't do that, Shawn.
l didn't do that!
Two pair.
l'd call. And raise.
You're sitting
on pocket rockets.
You're not gonna do
any better than that.
Seriously,
how do you do that?
It's a good thing you're not
a real poker player, Gus.
You'd lose more money
than Brandon.
l'm a stellar player, Shawn.
And don't think...
Wait a second.
What?
He's on now! Brandon.
Great! Bring him in.
Bring him in how?
Say, ''Hey, Brandon,
your dad's looking for you''?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a second here,
time out.
What?
You're ''BigKitty75''?
Yeah, as in the kitty,
you know, the pot.
The kitty?
Yes, 75.
7 4 other ''Big Kitties''
came before you?
Yeah, Shawn,
there were 7 4 of 'em.
All right. All right.
Does Kitty have a profile?
It's Big Kitty,
and no, l don't!
Perfect. Scoot over.
Give me some room
to operate here.
What are you doing?
Baiting the hook, Gus.
Baiting the hook? How?
You can't do this, Shawn!
This is my account!
Shh, relax.
Don't you tell me to...
You don't have a profile.
They don't know
if ''Big Kitty'' is a man or...
l'm a man!
The players l play poker with,
chat with,
know that l'm a man, Shawn!
That's funny,
'cause it appears
Brandon thinks
that you're a...
A cheerleader?
''Where does a girl
go around here
for fun and games?''
Stop it, Shawn! Get the...
Relax!
l can't transfer
my bank!
l have
7 million bucks!
Oh!
Oh, what's my name?
Oh, l don't know.
Shawn...
BigKitty75.
Shawn...
You know, Kitty?
The Kitty...
Kitty-Cat? Feline!
Ah! Felicia.
''Felicia Fancy-bottom''?
What am l,
a James Bond villain?
Look, he's inviting us
into a private chat.
Don't do it, Shawn.
l'm telling you,
don't do it!
Buy me a drink?
l think that question's
for you, Felicia.
Where?
l don't know.
l--l can't...
Dude, where do you go
to hook up with dudes
you meet online?
(SNlCKERlNG)
That's not funny, Shawn.
Coffee with
Attitude Coffeehouse?
Bring a flower?
What do you think?
Poinsettia?
That's a plant, not a flower.
And it's out of season.
Perfect.
We'll see just how badly
he wants to impress
Big Felicia Fancy-bottom.
(SHRlEKlNG)
Ah! He's punctual.
l like that in a date.
Whoa, guys,
l'm expecting somebody,
actually.
We know.
Felicia.
Yeah, how do you know...
Huh. She's not comin', is she?
He's Felicia.
And l'm Felicia.
Great! Yeah, l knew it.
All hot internet women
are guys!
Of course, you're two guys,
which makes it doubly weird.
Sorry, Brandon,
but your Dad's
lookin' for you.
SHAWN: That's the rub.
He hired us.
Oh, yeah?
Well, the joke's on you
'cause l'm outta here.
Hey, we just wanna talk.
What's goin' on?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You, uh,
you know these guys?
Hey, relax.
Brandon and l are friends.
l just wanna talk to him
for a minute.
So how's it goin',
you good?
BRANDON: Yeah.
(GROANS)
Hey!
Whoa!
(COUGHlNG)
It's just so you don't forget.
You have until Monday.
Oh!
You were saying?
Well, it looks like
your dad's not the only one
who's lookin' for ya, huh?
All right, look.
You guys gotta give me
a break, okay?
l stole $30,000 dollars
from my dad
and then l lost it,
and more, to that jerk,
J.P. Berger.
So l can't go home,
not until l win enough
to pay everybody back.
What'd he say,
you've got till Monday?
Yeah, he did,
but see, the thing is,
l'm a better player
than he is. l am much better.
And yet he bent you
over his knee
and spanked you
in front of
the whole class.
But he shouldn't have!
l just... l just gotta
figure out how he did it.
Look, Brandon, it's simple.
You go to your dad
and convince him
to give you your job back.
And then you figure out a way
to pay this Berger back
his money.
Yeah,
that sounds really great.
But, guys,
l can't go back to work
for my dad.
Nothing l do is ever
good enough for that man,
nothing is right.
You have no idea
what that's like.
Look,
here's some brutal truth.
We're the only reasons
you're not in jail, or worse.
Your dad's done.
It took someone cashing in
a very old favor
to get us involved at all.
Now, you are not gonna
be able to play your way
out of this hole, baby boy!
So pack it in!
Pull the plug! Shut it down!
Leave the dead meat
in the freezer
and put on your Sunday best,
'cause it's Arbor Day, baby!
Okay. Fair enough.
Let's get this over with.
Take me to my father.
BRANDON: What'd l tell ya?
Morning till night,
the old man
never stops selling.
Want some advice?
Yeah, sure.
When you owe a man
$30,000 dollars,
l'd be careful about
criticizing his work ethic.
That's a good point.
You want us
to come with you?
No. No, you know what?
l screwed up on my own,
l am gonna face him
on my own.
That's very
Cameron Frye of you.
It's Cameron who?
Wow, are we that much
older than you?
What's that?
That's nothin'.
It's a good luck charm.
l mean, used to be.
But you know what?
Here. l don't need it.
l've given up cards,
l got no use for it.
Whoa! No, thanks.
Not really a jewelry guy.
Gus here is.
No, l'm not.
Sure you are.
Right.
Phew!
Let's get this over with,
right?
You tryin'
to pass that thing
off to me?
You liked it.
You like the sweet turquoise.
So you're telling me that
you've been working with him
for 15 years,
but you have no idea
what kind of food he likes?
He orders separate
when we get take-out.
Something about poison.
What are you doing?
Looking.
For what?
A mint.
l'm allergic to mint.
Ah-ha!
What?
Nothing.
l'm just happy.
Now l know
you don't like mint.
HENRY: Well, well.
Don't you look like hell.
l know l look
like hell, Dad.
Everyone who gets up
at this hour
looks like hell.
With the possible exception
of Matt Lauer and Diane Lane.
Mr. Peterson,
how are you, sir?
Something wrong?
No, no, Shawn,
everything is great.
That's why l woke your ass up,
had you zip down here
so Bill and l could tell you
how terrific everything is.
It's Brandon.
Brandon?
Well, he seemed fine when
we dropped him off yesterday,
maybe a little nervous.
Wait, wait, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
You found him?
Well, yeah, we did.
When was this?
Yesterday.
l'm sorry, sir,
l should have told you.
It was right before closing.
We could clearly see you
from Gus' car,
and he said he wanted
to come in by himself,
do this man-to-man,
you know, just you and him.
He didn't come in?
You never saw him?
Oh, we saw him, all right.
l got the reunion right here.
You wanna see it?
PETERSON: There he is,
there's my boy.
Guess he couldn't face me,
so he waited until
after l went home.
Not the safe?
He's breaking into
your safe?
Breaking in? No,
he didn't have to break in.
He's too smart for that.
He knows the combination!
There you have it.
Not quite the reunion
l imagined.
So tell me, psychic,
where's my son now?
SHAWN: Something's
bothering me, dude.
l'm never wrong!
You're always wrong,
what are you talkin' about?
That this kid should be
a better poker player, Gus.
That was a pretty good bluff.
Oh, dude, look!
What?
Right there.
That necklace thing.
That's horrible.
He wears his ridiculous
good luck charm into battle
the way that Superman
wears his cape,
or Rocky Balboa
wears his belt.
l bet you he's on his way
back to the maze
to take on Berger.
No, Berger's not gonna be
at the lawn and garden center.
Not this weekend.
Why not?
There's a tournament goin' on
where the winner gets a buy-in
to the World Poker Derby.
You know where that is?
Of course l do!
Phew!
Ooh! Phew! Ah!
Oh, it's flipping!
Ah, it wants to flip!
Oh, it wants to flop!
Dad!
(GRUNTlNG)
T.P.
Toilet paper... No.
Teri Polo.
Shawn...
T.P. Tee-pee.
Tee-pee with a chimmy...
Chimmy, chimmy-changa,
chimi-changa, Chaka Khan.
Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan.
Chimi-changa.
Cha-changa?
Cha-changa!
That's it.
You say tomato,
l say to-mah-to.
Cha-changa.
The Indian casino?
Cha-ching!
Damn it!
You were right, Henry.
How's that?
Maybe getting the police
involved is the only way
to get his attention.
May l have that DVD, please?
(SHAWN EXCLAlMS)
No.
Excuse me?
Shawn!
Not yet.
Why?
Let's give him another chance.
l'm sensing there's
more to this story, sir.
He's actually
a pretty good poker player.
l'm getting a very,
very strong
psychic vibration
he's gonna lose
big!
Not with my money
he's not.
Let's go.
Oh, God.
We're outta here.
No, Dad. Dad, l can't.
Would you rather
l call the police
and show them a certain video
of you looting my safe?
l know,
l'm sorry about all that.
No, Brandon. Let's go.
No, Dad, Dad,
l'm in more trouble here
than you think.
l'm already in!
And they don't give refunds
here.
Fine.
l'll play.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You?
You know what?
Actually, sir,
this is your call.
l work for you.
But keep in mind
that l am a psychic
and, unlike any of these
other players,
l come with
a money-back guarantee.
What do you think, Henry?
Can he win?
Dad, I don't gamble. I win.
Yeah. He can win.
So, what's the deal?
GUS: Shawn and Berger
drew opposite tables.
The only way for him
face Berger is if he beats
everyone at his table,
makes it to the finals,
and wins.
Check.
God, must be rough.
Sorry?
You picked the wrong week
to quit smoking, dude.
There's a tournament
happening here.
What are you talking about?
What is this about?
ls this about
your lady friend, huh?
Your special girl back home?
She doesn't like it?
Look at the cards, guys, huh?
Lot of possibilities
on the table right now.
Lot of possibilities.
Fifty thousand.
(WHlSTLES)
Midnight oil says no! No!
Call.
Ay-ay-ay, action.
Action in my fanny pack.
All right, l'll call you both.
SHAWN: You didn't catch
your straight, did you?
Hundred thousand.
Fold.
You let me down.
You let me down.
Ronnie!
What?
This can be your time,
right here, right now.
You think you can mess
with my head, too?
Here's the thing,
l'm a psychic.
So if l had to guess,
which l don't, l'd say yes.
Yes, l can mess with your head
and l can put an entire
sandwich in your hair.
Well, you know what?
l'm not playing
with a psychic.
It's against the rules.
Against the rules?
No, guys, guys,
l checked the rulebook.
l looked in the index
under ''P''.
It mentioned polygamy,
pancakes, and pterodactyls.
Who knew pterodactyl started
with a ''P''?
l bet you did. You did.
It's not against the rules,
Ronnie. It's cool.
No, it's not cool.
Look at your stack, man.
Everything's here.
Everything's here.
l need you here.
Take a risk, man!
Bluff it up!
l'll raise you
two hundred thousand.
You just bluffed
to prove to me
that you could bluff.
Ronnie...
l call this move
the all in.
Ronnie with the origami.
(LAUGHlNG)
Oh! Oh!
ANNOUNCER.:
Center tabIe showdown,
Shawn Spencer
and J.P. Berger.
All in.
All in?
CROUPlER: All in?
Yeah, but he shouldn't have.
I just gotta figure out
how he did it.
Wait!
Wait, wait, wait.
The chips demand
we stop the game.
What the hell
is going on here?
Shh! l can't hear them
if you're talking, Berger.
What?
Really?
You guys sure about this?
Chips say
you're a cheater-cheater
pumpkin-eater!
(SHAWN LAUGHlNG)
ls that right?
SHAWN: Yeah.
And how do they know that?
We're really supposed to
believe that you're psychic
or something!
If you were psychic,
l wouldn't be cleaning
your clock right now.
Cleaning my clock?
What does that mean, Berger?
What, you'd take time out
of your day to clean
another man's timepiece?
And if so,
that would be a bad thing?
No, l would be gracious.
l would say, ''J.P., dude,
''thanks for
spritzing my watch.''
Besides, it doesn't matter.
Doesn't take a psychic
to figure out that
these cards are marked.
You know what,
if you had been
paying attention,
you'd realize that
the decks were all sealed.
Shh! He's saying
the decks are sealed.
What do you got for me?
Well, come on, guys,
speed it up!
Check the...
Oh!
For shame!
You dirty filthy rascal
with the suede-suede head.
Ah-ha!
SHAWN: Face card.
Face card.
Well, how's that possible?
These are brand-new decks.
We got spotters
on every table.
But you didn't check
your dealers!
Okay, l'm on the dealer.
What do you got for me?
Hair clip? Hair clip!
Of course.
You! You stand up!
l'm sorry, ah...
Wait, let me...
Hold on! This...
Oh, my, there's
some kind of invisible ink
on this hair clip,
and every time she fussed
with her ponytail,
and l think we can all agree
it's a fetching tail,
it's a silky tail,
she got the ink on her fingers
and then she put her fingers
on the cards!
And then her special partner
with his special
rose-colored glasses
could see that everything
is turning up faces.
All right.
We're not partners.
Put a hold on
all these chips here.
This is ridiculous!
Take these two into custody
until we sort this out.
This is ridiculous!
You're ridiculous!
For shame!
That is so much money.
l'll, uh,
l'll let you guys
make it right.
(SlGHS) Well, now l know
why l always lost to Berger.
It wasn't me.
But, um,
it was me stealin' from you
and lying to you,
and, Dad, for that,
l really am sorry.
Well,
l appreciate the apology, Son.
But you're gonna have to
do a lot more than that
to earn my trust back.
Thank you.
No, thank, thank you,
Mr. Peterson!
No, thank you.
SHAWN:
No, seriously, thank you.
Shut up!
Okay.
Dude! $7,500?
Peterson is a generous man.
This is our most
profitable case ever!
l know, l got plans!
Pay off the flat screen,
consolidate our loans,
and pay off the bulk
in a lump sum!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh!
Or...
What...
We double up, right here,
right now.
What?
Come on, Gus, think about it,
seriously, fifteen large?
What are you talkin' about,
Shawn?
We could go to Aruba.
Shawn...
Cozumel.
Shawn!
lbeeza.
lt's lbiza!
Dude, we could rent
a jet to lbiza.
Don't even think about it!
Rule number one of gambling,
do not think.
That's not a rule, Shawn!
Rule number two,
always bet on black.
Money plays.
Whoa, but...
Isn't that right, Steve?
l can't believe
you did that!
(SlGHS) Look, l told you
that's why l don't gamble,
Gus.
Shut up, Shawn!
What did Wesley say
in Passenger 57?
l don't want to talk about it!
He said,
''Always bet on black.''
So l did!
Yeah. Here you go.
They're cold.
Um, Lassiter leads
a really different
private life.
Yeah...
l mean, who'd have thought
he was into bikes?
l guess.
Hi.
Well, some of these people
look really familiar.
Yeah! l know, to me, too!
But l haven't had a chance
to talk to any of them yet.
l see his car!
l see his car!
What? Oh! Everybody hide!
Hide!
(JULlET WHlSPERlNG)
What the hell?
ALL: Surprise!
JULlET: Whoa! Whoa!
No, it's okay.
MAN: Whoa! Move it!
JULlET: Oh! Oh, my gosh,
no, no, no!
No, no, no, Carlton!
Hey! lt's a party,
it's a party!
lt's what?
For your birthday! Surprise!
Why are these people
at my house?
They're your friends.
No, they're not.
Yeah, they are!
l got 'em out
of your address book.
You took my book?
Yes, l admit it,
l opened your desk.
l didn't want to load you up
with a bunch of work people,
so l just invited the ones
with stars by their names.
These are all people
l put in jail.
The stars are
repeat offenders.
You keep a little black book
of people you've arrested?
Of course l do.
Why?
To drive by and check on them.
Um, um, oh, Carlton,
where are you going?
To pack!
Why?
Because now they know
where l live!
Happy Birthday, dude!
Happy Birthday!
MAN: Nice house!
(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)
♪ ♪ In between the lines
there's a lot of obscurity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ If it's aII right
then you're aII wrong ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ But why bounce around
to the same damn song? ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ You'd rather run
when you can't crawI ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know
They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪